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welllpthisishappening · 3 years

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Hello there, I see you're back on blue-line drabbles! I love them, I am obsessed with this universe. I don't know if I ever came back to say hi after I read all your big fics, but somehow I liked each even better than the last! I don't know how that's possible! But anyway, I think one of the best signs of a good writer/good story is when you're not ready to leave the world once you've finished, and Blue Line is one of the few fanfics I've read where even well after I've finished it, (cont)

(cont) I want to keep living in it and I end up writing my own fic of it in my head (strange, I know). Anyway, for whatever reason, I got really invested in Roland and Lizzie's relationship. Like, how did they end up dating after knowing each other for literally Lizzie's entire life? How did the adults react? Do you have any Lizzie/Roland stories up your sleeve? They would not go unread :)

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Hello, yes, listen, this ask has lived rent free™ in my head since I first got it and I cannot properly convey how absolutely, goddamn wonderful it is. I am a broken record of outdated references , but it continues and will always amaze me that people are not only interested in Blue Line (more than three years!!! after I originally started posting) but are also interested in other characters in the story who are, for all intents and purposes, original characters at this point. Like the overall size my heart becomes when reading something like that could potentially cause a serious medical condition.

But, like, in a nice way.

So thank you, thank you, thank you. It genuinely warms the cockles of my entire soul. And, like, if you wanna share those fic ideas of the fic, you’ll never hear me say no. Just like I will never turn down the opportunity to write more stuff. Which is what’s under the cut. This stuff includes:

Roland and Lizzie’s first kiss, what I hope is some legitimate banter, more kissing, obvious flirting, and Roland being something of a sap.

Also, uh, it’s entirely possible that I have also already written: Roland and Lizzie’s first “I love you,” their wedding and some other stuff where their kid is involved. Seriously, guys, I am always down to write other relationships in this ‘verse.

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It was, she figured, something almost passably close to, sort of resembling, definitely inching somewhere nearer to—

Assured.

Unavoidable.

Inexorable

Inevitable.

That was a bad word. That last word. The third one was pretty impressive, honestly. Vocabulary, wise. She’d have to remember that one later. The last one, though. Made teeth Lizzie wasn’t even aware she possessed ache as she ground them together, a pronounced tension in her jaw that was likely affecting her shoulders as well. That word. An awful word. Boasted less-than-positive connotations, letters practically dripping with lack of self-control and overtly aggressive infatuation, but if the world expected her not to be a little in love with Roland Locksley by the time she turned fourteen and noticed that slight indentation in his right cheek every time he smiled, well, then the world had another thing coming.

Dimple, that was the appropriate description. Another word. More words. Too many words. All of them bouncing off the slope of her skull and scratching at the back of her brain, nearly distracting her from what should have been the very pleasant buzz lingering beneath whatever biological thing made up her top and bottom lips.

Which were parted in an emotion very similar to overwhelming surprise.

That was stupid.

The whole thing was stupid. God, maybe she was stupid. No, that wasn’t true. She’d made Dean’s List last semester. Stupid was—

A stupid word, really. Despite the blush rising in her cheeks and the wide eyes practically boring into her soul, bated breath that didn’t make any noise because that was what bated entailed, and no one else glanced in their direction. Not once. No one else noticed.

That the whole world had flipped upside down.

Or right-side-up, maybe. Depending on how the next five minutes or so went.

Because the last two minutes and twelve seconds, give or take, had seen Roland Locksley tilt his head and let his eyes flutter closed before his mouth found hers for the very first time — at midnight for God’s sake. On New Year’s Eve. Or New Year’s Day, she supposed. His parents were standing on the other side of the room.

Suggesting that Lizzie had ever been just a little in love with Roland was a rather monumental lie.

As far as those things went.

“So, uh—” she started, only to find blood in her mouth. From her teeth. Wayward and unpredictable, as they were. Biting down on the side of her tongue and Lizzie hated going to the dentist. Doing irreparable damage to her teeth on what was now legitimately New Year’s Day, in the middle of an annual party, was not on her schedule.

Metaphorical as it might have been.

She liked schedules. Had plans. Focus, even. People always said that about her — how focused she was, liked to throw around the word drive with startling regularity, as if they were amazed she wasn’t simply willing to rest on her laurels or the pair of last names she proudly toted around with her. As if Lizzie expected doors to swing open on a glance.

Rather than consistently preparing herself to knock them down.

She liked the challenge of it all. Appreciated the way disbelief always spiked something in her blood, and that was likely equal parts genetic predisposition and a product of her childhood, but right now, Lizzie was simply prepared to fight for the schedule she’d never allowed herself to mention to anyone else before and it wasn’t like they weren’t friends.

Talked outside the group chat, even.

That meant something. Definitely meant something. Had to mean something. Her lips felt like they’d been doused in liquid nitrogen.

She didn’t know all the scientific properties of liquid nitrogen, but it always made that rather impressive cloud of steam-type stuff on cooking shows. So, it seemed very likely that it did something similar to cause whatever was happening in the region directly surrounding her mouth. Buzzing and tingling, and whatnot.

When had Roland last blinked? Lizzie couldn’t remember. That would have been impressive in any other situation. Right now, it was sort, kind of, totally— Pissing her off.

Color dotted his cheeks, no sign of the goddamn dimple because he wasn’t smiling, presumably couldn’t do that when it was clear he was so intent on pulling his lips into his mouth, and that felt a little insulting. Her tongue had just been in that mouth.

Lizzie was fairly confident in the abilities of her tongue, so she wasn’t all that pleased to be replaced by a pair of lips that could have been doing much better work against the side of her neck.

“If you sit here right now and tell me that you are,” Lizzie lifted a finger, “one, sorry,” another finger, “two, anything even remotely resembling regretful,” another finger, wiggling close enough to Roland’s nose to make him just a bit cross-eyed, “or, three, too old for me, I will throw my heel at that bruise I know exists on the back of your left calf.”

His lips twitched.

He really had impossible eyelashes. Seemingly made so he could glance up from underneath them, to meet Lizzie’s steely expression with what she refused to believe could be cautious hope. Passable optimism, maybe. She’d have to look up what liquid nitrogen did, later.

“I’m standing.” “I hate you.”

“You wanna go in order, or how do you want to work this?” “Where else are you bruised?” Roland laughed softly, a shift of his shoulders and tiny burst of air between barely parted lips. Feeling that tiny burst meant they were standing very close to each other. How they were standing remained another mystery.

One of those great ones, Lizzie figured. The kind referenced when people talked about the sweeping potential of life and love and— Ah, fuck.

“Please don’t threaten to attack me anywhere else,” he muttered, before quickly adding, “you gotta know this was not my end game, Liza.” Narrowing her eyes did nothing to temper the…tempest. Swirling in her gut. Threatening the back of her throat. Eating away at vocal cords and vocal boxes and the structural integrity of her entire goddamn larynx. Possibly her tongue, too, just to be especially efficient.

“Really? Might’a been mine, actually.”

She’d always liked his eyes.

How they could widen, and it wasn’t like...a normal brown. Nothing about the way he looked was ever dull. Drifted toward regularly excited, and the sparkles were probably a figment of her over-active teenage imagination, but Lizzie liked to think sometimes the sparkle came from her. Because of her, even. When she’d call because he always wanted to hear about her latest lecture and he’d call because sometimes Western swings were exhausting and loneliness-inducing and—

She knew.

He knew.

They knew each other.

Grand scheme, the sparkle-prone eyes still weren’t particularly close to the dimple. On the list of things Lizzie liked. What left butterflies fluttering in her stomach and her heart hammering against her chest. Sparkle was probably a solid fourth. Behind the precise way his curls fell toward his eyebrows when he didn’t have time to get his hair cut. Which rarely happened during the season. Right now, it was happening right now. Well-defined strands that Lizzie knew felt even smoother than she’d ever theorized between her fingers, and she wasn’t sure what she was going to do with that information.

Obsess over it, probably.

For at least the next week, or so.

Still. Eyes. Eyelashes. Too long and too bright, and that was the wrong description order and she was starting to teeter. On the edge of a rather dramatic free-fall. Into feelings and possibility, and this was way too dramatic. For both of them.

“Don’t do that,” she mumbled, a scrunch of her nose that apparently demanded his thumb. Brushing against the bridge, and there wasn’t any caution there. No obvious fear or concern. For the way it left Lizzie’s lungs pinched, and there must have been a limit.

To everything her internal organs could cope with in a limited span of time.

“What was the last one on the list?” She swallowed. “Too old.” “Yuh-huh.” “Pretty flimsy as far as excuses go. You realize I’m not asking you to marry me right now, right?” He choked. On what, she wasn’t entirely sure. Only that it made her stomach heave and her teeth dig into her lower lip, and that was— “Because I know I said, end game,” Lizzie continued, giving in to the need to fill empty space with the sound of her own voice, “but that sounds like several pop culture references all at once, and you know how much I—”

“Hate to come across as disingenuous.” “Mattie’s the pop culture reference machine, anyway.” “Please don’t talk about Matt when I keep thinking about how much I want to kiss you again.” Her eyes, that time. Widened. Bugged. Did something unnatural. “Yeah?” “You’re kidding me, right?” “You’re not an old man.” Rolling his eyes, Roland’s tongue dragged across the front of his teeth. To torture her, apparently. “I was in college when you were a freshman in high school.” “Yuh-huh.” “Liza.” “Nah, nah,” Lizzie shook her head. Crossed her arms. Tried to stand up to her full height, but even the heels didn’t do much to add to the overall intimidation factor. Roland was doing an awful job of fighting off his smile. “Pulling out ancient nicknames is not—” “—It’s not a nickname; it’s literally letters in your name.” “Nick,” she leaned forward, “name. All personal-like.”

Making mistakes was not something she enjoyed very much. It was that Jones competitive streak. Plus, the Vankald stubborn streak. Created a monster of determination, who knew what she wanted, and feeling Roland’s fingers graze her cheek as a strand of hair hung limply in the minimal space between them was the result of Lizzie’s mistaken movement.

Even as much as she might have wanted it.

Goosebumps prickled her arms. Stole whatever oxygen she’d managed to get in the last forty-six seconds, or so. Her eyes fluttered. Head tilted. Towards the touch and the warmth, and for someone who spent so much time on the ice, he really was impossibly warm.

“This is your fault.”

He didn’t move his fingers. Cupped her cheek, instead. “You were doing that eyebrow thing.” “Expand on that for me.” “Lifting ‘em. Happens sometimes. When you’re listening intently. Like you’re a little amazed by new information. They’re these stupid little arches on your face. Drives me nuts.” “The compliment was in there somewhere, I’m sure of it.” “I am so much older than you, Liza.” “Shouldn’t’a played out a bunch of teenage daydreams at once, then.” She was legitimately worried about the state of his tongue. Barely biting back her laugh, Lizzie let her eyes lift. To find Roland gaping at her, drooped shoulders and puppy-dog eyes. And that goddamn dimple. “C’mon, this isn’t...do you think I haven’t made out with people before?” “Wouldn’t classify what we just did as a makeout.” “No?” His eyes darkened. Shivering was probably not a good move, right? Right. Definitely. She wasn’t shivering. It was just...January. And inside. With dozens of people around them. “I would not, no,” Roland said, and the drop in overall volume was some sort of trick. Or, something.

“How many people do you think you’ve made out with? Ballpark it for me.” “No.” “Is the issue a lack of appropriate numbers to tally that mark, or—” She bit her tongue, again. At the flash of amused frustration sweeping his face and polluting the molecules of whatever air was hovering between them. Permeating was a better word. Lizzie really needed to work on all of that. Words. Being slightly less jealous of potential make outs that didn’t have anything to do with her and definitely happened because there had to be other people out there in the world who simply could not cope with the existence of that dimple.

“How many people have you made out with, then?” “Scores,” Lizzie snarled, only to get immediately scoffed at. “I’m really, incredibly popular.” “Oh, I’ve got no doubt.” “Boatloads of guys. Lining up to,” she pointed an imperious finger at her mouth, “make out with this.” “Your well-defined chin?” “I’m going to take my shoe off.” “Draw attention with a move like that.” Whatever fight she had didn’t immediately die. It just, sort of, fell. At her feet, threatening all the bones there and there were too many. All of them far too fragile. For whatever metaphor she was running with at the moment. “And we’re not trying to do that, huh? Draw attention.” “Shouldn’t you be out sowing wild oats?” “Really know how to charm a girl,” she grumbled, and that got her a smile. No scoff. Not even the hint of a smile. The whiplash was hurting her neck. “Trust me, the oats have appropriately sowed. If I was ever particularly inclined to farm work.” “I’m starting to be vaguely embarrassed by all of this.” “Good.” Wasn’t quite a scoff. Was more like a half-hearted laugh, and a tinge of desire and that was better than the other emotions, but the decreasing level of Roland’s eyebrows gave her pause. “What about the status of your oats?”

“Well sowed, rookie season,” Roland said.

“You’re going to change the name on your jersey.” “Not sure that particular fact has a lot to do with anything else. Seven years, Liza.” “I’m perfectly capable of doing math, you know I took that stats class once.” “Because I double checked everything you turned in.” “Makes you slightly less of an idiot than the vibe you're giving off right now.” “A freeway or compliments.” Pulling in a deep inhale through her nose, Lizzie didn’t miss the way Roland’s gaze fell. To the neckline of her dress, lingering on the jut of her collarbones for a few seconds longer than a strictly platonic friendship should allow, and they were friends. Still. She knew that as well as she knew that he believed she thought he was simply being clever with nicknames.

And not making vaguely incorrect My Fair Lady references.

Because he’d always been a little annoyed that Eliza had gone back to Henry Higgins. Instead of Freddie.

It was really impossible not to be a little in love with him at all times.

“You’re really going to hyphenate?” Roland nodded. “Think of all the new jerseys they’ll sell.” “By the box-load, and Gina’s gonna buy the entire stock. She’s—that’s really nice, you know.” “Just a fact. Little late, but—” He shrugged. Lizzie’s smile threatened to split her face. In that same nice way, she’d been talking about. Her lips were still buzzing. She might have been buzzing. With adrenaline. Happiness. The near-desperate desire to find some type of closet and get her fingers back in Roland’s questionably long hair.

“Of naming conventions.” She couldn’t begin to guess what the record was for shoulder shifts in an emotionally charged conversation between two people who were simultaneously ignoring the point of the conversation, but Lizzie also knew her eyebrows had been halfway up her face as he’d detailed the reasons for making his jersey say Mills-Locksley. From here on out.

Maybe that was the top of the list, actually.

He was a good guy.

Had always been a good guy. The best guy, really.

Falling into that chasm wasn’t nearly as terrifying as Lizzie expected it to be.

“Why’d you do it?” Roland’s lips disappeared. His tongue moved, again. She was staring at the area around his tongue. So, like, his mouth. Directly at his mouth. “Because, I uh—have wanted to?” “Oh, don’t phrase that like a question.” “Wanted to,” he repeated, a statement of fact with a certain amount of conviction. Enough to make Lizzie’s pulse sputter. “Which is kind of freaking me out.” “Come back with more compliments.” “Your dress nearly made me fall over.” “Better, actually,” she laughed.

He ran his fingers through his hair. “Made sense at the time.” “Be more specific.” “Kissing you,” Roland said, enough emphasis that he leaned forward half an inch as well. It was a miracle their noses didn’t collide. Not the most impressive miracle, but—counted. “If I tell you that you might be my best friend does that make the lamest professional hockey player alive?” “Yes, absolutely.” “Matt might challenge you to a duel if he hears me talking like this, you know.” “God, Locksley, didn’t we just talk about the Mattie rules? Also, that made it sound like Mattie wants to kiss you too, so...”

He chuckled. Fingers still tugging on the back of his hair, like he was trying to ground himself in the pull and the self-inflicted tension, Roland looked up. Back at her. And Lizzie didn’t flinch. Didn’t blink. Held her position and prepared herself to defend the schedule she’d only ever allowed herself to hope for in the silence of that one corner in her brain.

Filled, as it was, with memories. Of conversations that didn’t have anything to do with hockey. Others that did. Arguing over blue line placement in the brownstone and college rankings. Of movies watched on two different laptops in different corners of the country, bad jokes, and consistent updates, that deep-rooted understanding that came from a life full of expectations and the exact opposite. No overt pressure, but the need to prove yourself anyway, if only because of the name on the back of the jersey, and Lizzie was going to have to buy a new jersey.

“You like me? Yes, or no?” Roland smiled. Wide and honest, the kind that ensured the dimple was on prominent display. “Yes.” “I am a grown adult? Yes, or no?” Crinkles appeared around his eyes. From the smile.

“Yes.” “Meaning I get to make my own choices. Romantically, or otherwise. Yes, or no?” “Obviously.” “Wasn’t one of the options.” “Yes,” Roland corrected, fingers trailing over the bend of her elbow. Lizzie hadn’t uncrossed her arms. Or remembered when she’d crossed them in the first place.

“Ok, good. Same page, then.” “Liza.” “Locksley.” Lifting her eyebrows wasn’t a challenge, per se. Was closer to instinct, really. Specifics didn’t matter, honestly. She did that thing with her eyebrows, and he did that thing with his mouth, the same one she was staring at and hoping would move closer to her, and then—

Well, it did.

Hands found Lizzie’s hips, pulling her forward sharply enough that she let out a soft grunt. From the feel of hips bumping against hers, and she honestly wasn’t sure who hissed in their next inhale, only that it did something to the flutter-like state of her pulse and the erratic nature of her heart, and it was slow and fast and good and great and not a single person noticed.

Miracles were arriving en masse, apparently.

Pushing her fingers into Roland’s hair got Lizzie another hum of approval, the first brush of his tongue making her lips part and her head fall to the side, but then his hand was wrapped around the back of her neck, and she could not be expected to pay attention to anything except the semi-consistent swipe of his thumb against her skin. It left more goosebumps. Caused another chuckle, the kind that rumbled through her and resonated around her, a tiny bubble of that same cautious optimism from before.

Like a spark.

Fanning flames and threatening to burn everything because if this didn’t work, then Lizzie wasn’t sure what would, and that was scary and overwhelming and terrifying was a synonym, but she really was working with very limited word-based resources when Roland’s thumb kept moving. Tracing her. Committing the feel to memory, and she wasn’t sure when they’d established the rocking pattern they were moving in, but something deep in the center of her trusted it.

Someone who regularly strapped knives to his feet and raced around at top speed knew how to stay balanced. And she was a stubborn idiot. Who got what she wanted.

“Is part of liking me because I told you I didn’t think it was embarrassing that you still got a little emotional about Miracle on 34th Street?” Laughter pushed past her lips. Took root in the pit of her stomach and the spaces between her ribs. Laced through her heart. In the kind of way that cemented itself. Right in the middle of Lizzie. Right in the middle of this. Them.

There was a them, now.

“Was definitely a factor, yeah,” Roland said, not bothering to pull away. “You, uh—you snuck up on me a little, Liza.” “Peak romance.” “Want me to talk about your dress some more?” She shook her head. “Unnecessary. And you didn’t.” “That might be part of the problem.” “Nursing old crushes, you mean?” Her hair hit her cheek. And his hand. He couldn’t seem to let go of her. “Nah, this wasn’t like...there was no torch, not really. I—I wasn’t hanging posters of you on my wall if that’s the picture you’ve painted for yourself.” “Kinda disappointing, admittedly.” “Pick a lane, babe.” No sparkle, that time. Just flash and want and the very thin line Lizzie’s lips had become. “Be more specific,” Roland repeated softly. “You’re not standing on a pedestal. Just you, Rol, as is.” He waited. That was fair. There should have been more. Should have been a detailed list of all the reasons the grown-up version of her liked so many parts of the grown-up version of him, but that all felt a little extraneous when she was still thinking about closet-type possibilities and that stubborn streak was a mile wide, anyway.

Roland nodded once. “Good.”

Both of them jumped. At the pop of another champagne bottle and Lizzie never understood how Regina managed to order so much champagne every year, but she felt a bit like she was floating on the bubbles, and they didn’t decide. Explicitly. To keep the whole thing—

Secret.

Another bad word. With bad connotations and shadows that clung to the definition, but this was them and only them and, for right now, that was enough. And if no one noticed the way Roland’s hand drifted over the small of Lizzie’s back during David’s speech, then that was a miracle she was willing to accept.

#blue line rambles #blue line one shots #these really are just original characters at this point #i have also written:#matt and claire meeting for the first time #henry and ella meeting for the first time #stuff about peggy and jeremy humbert #and i've got a whole list of will x belle stuff #in case it wasn't ovbious people still aren't responding to my emails #oh! also roland and lizzie's engagement #i wrote that too #also if you are so inclined: wilder days by morgan wade played like four times while i wrote this #mylifeisalifestyle #laura rambles

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eaglehealthworks · 3 years

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Lots of words, lots of meanings Pt. I

This entry is intended to bring a little educational understanding to those who are unsure of what all the different terms mean in the world of people with drug/alcohol/behavioral issues. For the sake of discussing the individual, he/she/they are known as such and will be in active use, active recovery, or active wellness (complete remission, perhaps). There are those that will state that one cannot be cured and there is only a state of recovery because the individual is never not addicted to whatever caused problems. I contend that an individual can achieve active wellness which would include complete abstinence and a life without psychoactive substances and/or other excessive repetitive patterns know as behavioral addictions (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping &c.) in healthy, sustainable, and satisfying ways.

Yes, if someone who has been in the throes of chemical dependency or behavioral disorder return to the substance and/or behavior, the cycle begins where it left off for many biological reasons. The point is it is absolutely possible and very much achievable to never return to that way of existing. If you follow medical orders after realizing a high blood pressure diagnosis, the problem becomes completely manageable. If you get your blood pressure down then revert back to a lifestyle which caused it to increase then guess what, it will return with a vengeance. Same exact thing.

I’ll step off of my “You can live well” pulpit and get into the terminology because the layers to wellness are many, deep, and worthy of their very own post(s) .

What is drug addiction, and should we use the term or its derivatives?

According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA, 2019), it is “a chronic disease characterized by compulsive, or uncontrollable, drug seeking and use despite harmful consequences and changes in the brain, which can be long-lasting”. Note how it is considered a medical disease by the established medical community. This gets some people in a tizzy and those are often heard exclaiming, “You did this to yourself!, It’s not a disease!, Cancer is a disease!”, &c. The number one cause of death in these United States is heart disease caused largely by; you guessed it, the sufferer (Weatherspoon, 2019). Smoking, diet, overweight, sedentary, all contribute significantly to this problem. Those previously mentioned anger mongers will often retort “Yeah, well it is also genetic!”, and so is chemical dependency (Johns Hopkins, 2021).

Whether or not the term is used or not is always up for debate, and only time will determine its existence. Addiction as a term is fairly straightforward and accurate; however, the term addict is filled with negative connotation, stereotype, and stigma. I can assure you that easily half of everyone I have ever treated looks and behaves just like every other citizen walking around in any neighborhood anywhere. Rich, poor, elderly, young, and all points in between describe people with substance use disorders and behavioral addictions, many of whom you would never guess. I have also known many straight edge folks who the average American might easily mistake for someone who abuses drugs based on appearance alone.

How does someone get diagnosed?

Well, it must be done by a licensed and qualified medical professional who has spent many years in study and has the student debt to prove it. Or you can generally ask someone who is suspected of having a problem with drugs, alcohol, or circumstance and they will know if it can be controlled or if help is needed. This does not take into account those in denial or fear of losing something by the very nature of the question (like safety, shelter, liberty, &c). In the case of the former, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-V) by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) uses the following criteria to determine whether a problem exists and/or the degree of severity if present (APA, 2013):

A. A problematic pattern of [insert substance or circumstance] use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least two of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

1. [insert substance or circumstance, e.g., alcohol, opioids, gambling, &c.] are often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.

2. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control [insert substance or circumstance] use.

3. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the [insert substance or circumstance], use the [insert substance or circumstance], or recover from its effects.

4. Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use [insert substance or circumstance].

5. Recurrent [insert substance or circumstance] use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home.

6. Continued [insert substance or circumstance] use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of [insert substance or circumstance].

7. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of [insert substance or circumstance] use.

8. Recurrent [insert substance or circumstance] use in situations in which it is physically hazardous.

9. Continued [insert substance or circumstance] use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance.

10. Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

a. A need for markedly increased amounts of [insert substance or circumstance] to achieve intoxication or desired effect.

b. A markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of an [insert substance or circumstance]. (Note: This criterion is not considered to be met for those taking [insert substance or circumstance] solely under appropriate medical supervision.)

11. Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:

a. The characteristic [insert substance or circumstance] withdrawal syndrome (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria set for [insert substance or circumstance] withdrawal).

b. [insert substance or circumstance] (or a closely related substance) are taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms. (Note: This criterion is not considered to be met for those individuals taking [insert substance or circumstance] solely under appropriate medical supervision.)

NONE – Presence of 0-1 symptoms

MILD – Presence of 2-3 symptoms

MODERATE – Presence of 4-5 symptoms

SEVERE – Presence of 6 or more symptoms

Questions? Anyone? Let’s keep moving. Now with this information held firmly in your mind, you still need to be properly credentialed in order to affix a legitimate diagnosis to anyone, so this is for informational purposes only. Here are a few more terms to add to your lexicon though:

1. Drug Intoxication. This is elusive because many people with a substance use disorder(s) have been using for so long that their strange and erratic behavior has become accepted traits. Often the presence of intoxication is a sudden change in demeanor, i.e., one moment a person is restless and anxious, they go to the bathroom and after emerging proceed to pass-out after sitting down anywhere (opioids). Or an individual is nervous and even a little shaky but after a few moments alone returns happy, smooth in gait, and chatty (alcohol). Perhaps a loved one is lethargic and grumpy, but after returning from the bathroom is full of energy and talking a mile a minute (cocaine, methamphetamine). Of course, there are many indicators, but you get the point.

2. Drug Abuse. The continued use of a psychoactive drug or behavioral patterns despite the knowledge that it is causing social, occupational, psychological, or physical problems (APA, 2013). Put simply, doing something to excess where the consequences outweigh the benefits; An ice cream cone is great, a half-gallon makes you vomit (in most cases).

3. Drug Dependence. Maladaptive pattern of use resulting in significant impairment or distress, as shown by compulsive use, increased tolerance, withdrawal, and obsessive thoughts about it (APA, 2013).

You know, the word withdrawal has been presented several times in this post and it deserves its own little section because it is this experience alone that keeps more people in active use than any other single precipitating factor. The human mind is in a constant state of seeking homeostasis or normal acceptable functioning. All people, not just those with drug/alcohol issues seek the avoidance of pain. Ok, somewhere there is a body builder claiming no pain no gain but let that pain be a sciatic or tooth nerve and he/she is reduced to a tower of gelatin seeking immediate relief.

This next sentence is a value statement directly from the horse; withdrawal is an exquisitely harrowing experience engulfing the entirety of the human experience and reducing it to the most detestable overall sensation of prolonged living death. The only relief which is desperately sought and despised simultaneously is more of the substance that caused it. I really don’t know a better way to explain it. I know of septuagenarian Rockwellesque grandmothers who have sold themselves for heroin because their medical provider overprescribed opioids for years and due to pressure from governing authorities cut them off, just to avoid withdrawal. People question this but its sadly true, and not even the worst of the stories.

If you ever want to chat with me about this or anything else related to relief from substance and/or circumstance please contact me here or at the clinic. Feel free to click on any of the links provided for more reading. Thanks for taking the time, enjoy.

- Edesepam

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Johns Hopkins. (2021). Substance Abuse / Chemical Dependency. Retrieved from https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/substance-abuse-chemical-dependency on 2021, June 30.

NIDA. (2019, January 17). Treatment Approaches for Drug Addiction DrugFacts. Retrieved from https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/treatment-approaches-drug-addiction on 2021, June 30

Weatherspoon, D. (2019, March 29). What Are the 12 Leading Causes of Death in the United States? Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/leading-causes-of-death on 2021, June 30.

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littlestsnicket · 3 years

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sometimes i forget that i’m more than a bit obsessive.

like... today i came across the information that some very small segment of people think that lauren hissrich got her position as netflix!witcher showrunner because of nepotism. probably a normal person would go ‘well that’s silly, people think all kinds of stupid things on the internet, moving on’.

instead, i spent a good 30 minutes trying to get to the bottom of this and have discovered that lauren, in her role as executive producer/show runner, hired her husband to be one of the many producers on the show. so that is technically nepotism (but also really not, because nepotism has a strong connotation that the person getting the position is under qualified which is not the case here--he’s won multiple emmys producing other things (actually that was supposedly the evidence of nepotism even though he has no ties to netflix and she had already been an executive producer on MULTIPLE successful netflix shows, so that’s CLEARLY television works)). but even that is not close to what was being alleged.

yes lauren is an extremely wealthy white woman, and i’m sure there are some legitimate criticisms of her work and she’s not a perfect ‘woke’ person, but by god will people jump through some hoops to be weird and sexist.

(also anyone who claims yennefer having her tits out is misogynistic is on my shit list. casually naked women who don’t ever once get creepy once-overed by the camera is a GOOD thing.)

#i'm not going to tag this

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mischiefiswritten · 4 years

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What are some other broad motivations for characters to do things besides: Duty, Freedom, Guilt, Love, Or Fear? Thanks! Talya

Hey Talya! Thanks so much for the question! Thinking about my answer got me through the end of the school week ^^

This is kind of a tough one! I found that all the motives I came up with are really nuances/subcategories under the motivations you listed, so I ran with it!

Duty:

- Obligation There’s a lot of overlap between duty and obligation, but I think there are some nuances. Duty carries a greater connotation of choice or proactivity, to me at least. It doesn’t sound as exciting as other motivations, but it can be just as powerful. Sometimes characters do things simply because they have no other choice, morally or socially speaking. I especially like seeing this as an original impetus for a character’s actions, but while they’re addressing their obligations, they begin to take action by choice, reluctantly or not. It’s a good setup to let your audience see some critical character development as well. (After all, what says more about us than the reasons behind our actions?)

Freedom:

- Independence To me, independence is somewhat different from the concept of freedom. Rather than being associated with a desire for an escape, or a way to pull away from some oppression, the desire for independence is about standing on your own. Often this goes hand in hand with a character who wants to prove themselves, either to someone of perceived importance or just for their own sake. In my fantasy WIP, The Calm Before, the scheming and emotionally isolated prince, Aldrich, is motivated in large part by a desire for independence. His mother’s shadow is a large one, and between what he fears she’s done and his fear of becoming her, he wants little more than to prove he is his own man, worthy in his own right.

Guilt:

- Redemption This one goes hand in hand with guilt, no doubt. I love – love – a good redemption arc. Zuko from The Last Airbender. Loki from the MCU. Thomas Barrow of Downton Abbey. I LOVE seeing redemption play out, no matter the scale or the genre. I think, as human beings, we like to see people becoming better – it gives us hope – so redemption is a great character motivation. It can be for so many reasons too, and the path to redemption can look very different for different people. Do they resist it until a long and difficult journey draws them gradually onto a better path? Do they undergo cycles of near-redemption until they hit rock bottom? Is the journey rife with inner conflict and anguish, or is there a near 180 degree turn in their path?

Love:

- Obsession You could argue that obsession is an extreme of love, gone wrong. Obsession arises when something is loved above all else and at all costs. It overshadows everything and can twist the best of intentions into the reason behind great atrocities. This is exactly what happened to Aldrich’s aforementioned mother! This can also be the opposite of the redemption arc, a way for a morally decent character to descend into irrationality and cruelty. Though it’s a painful arc to watch, it can be so remarkable.

Fear:

- Desperation A close cousin of fear, since desperation can of course involve or lead to fear. Desperation, however, is someone pushed into a corner. It may be there’s a dire and imminent consequence these characters are desperate to avoid, but perhaps there’s something these characters need very badly. The ending of The Last of Us is pretty famous, and its entirely driven by desperation – on both sides. Everyone in that scenario needs something, badly, and since they’re both legitimate, mutually exclusive needs, the generated desperation is a compelling motive.

Thank you so much for sending in an ask!!

#character motivations #writing #writeblr #character development #characterization #mischiefiswritten

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balioc · 6 years

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Talkin’ About Outsiders

Riffing on my recent post:

If you wanted to keep something like the traditional D&D Great Wheel cosmology, and you wanted all the planes on the Wheel and all the various alignment-oriented races of outsiders to be cool and thematic and not-shoehorned-in, what would it look like? Let’s give it a shot. Maybe this will be useful someday, if I ever run a planar-savvy D&D campaign. Or if you do.

Guiding Principles:

* All groups of outsiders should feel narratively resonant. Players should have an intuitive sense of what they’re about, what role they would play in heroic fantasy stories, etc. We want to avoid “oh yeah, those guys over in that corner, because of course there have to be some guys over in that corner.”

* Outsiders should feel otherworldly and mystical, like the spirits they are, not like Another Race of Monsters that’s been jammed into a planar role by fiat.

* Outsiders should strongly reflect their associated alignment, but, like, in a cool way.

I’m also going to be working with my own personal gut-level sense of how the alignment grid “should” work on a cosmic scale, which suggests that the “corner planes” -- LG, CG, LE, and CE -- are going to be the strongest, most magical, most populated, etc. In a metaphysical sense, a strong good/evil commitment and a strong law/chaos commitment reinforce each other rather than diluting each other. In a demographic sense, while in fact the plurality of mortals are TN due to vacillation or apathy, most noteworthy mortals with plane-defining levels of soul power have corner alignments. In a pragmatic storycrafting sense, three of those four corners are way cooler and better-developed than anything else on the Wheel, so we should probably run with that. The upshot is that the NG, NE, LN, and CN outsiders can and should be constructed such that they just have less impact on the universe overall. The in-betweeny planes...well, they’re afterthoughts, we’ll get to them (briefly) but can ignore them for now.

OK. Diving in:

Chaotic evil demons from the Abyss and lawful evil devils from Hell are being kept, more or less intact. They’ve gotten more attention than any other planar races, by like an order of magnitude; they’ve got lots of existing lore and monster-design that people know and love; it would be a crime to throw that stuff away. Fluff should probably try to present them with a somewhat more-philosophical, less-Flanderizing spin than they usually get. The conceptual heart of demon-ness isn’t “graaaargh kill smash consume defile” (even if that is a popular instantiation), it’s something like “literally nothing matters except my desire and my vision.” Similarly, devils would benefit from a little less “we’re all legalistic treacherous assholes” (even if many of them are) and a little more “the order of the universe is legitimate, the infernal hierarchy is legitimate, we follow the rules but we play to win.” But fundamentally these are the creatures you know and love, don’t fix what ain’t broke.

Neutral evil yugoloths can stay, too, more or less. They’ve gotten a fair amount of good monster design too, and they’re popular, although I confess that I have no idea why. A race of fiendish mercenaries who manipulate and prolong the Blood War? Sure, why not? I do want to give them a bit more character, though, and not the inexplicable apocalypse-obsessed death-spirit thing from Pathfinder. Rather: as I understand it, neutral evil as an alignment is mostly about pure selfishness. It’s not hard to capture the idea of “selfishness” in spiritual cosmic form -- that’s the gaki, the hungry ghost. Yugoloths should be driven by intense insatiable cravings, presumably with each kind having a different general category of craving. This will do a lot to define their politics internal and external, the means of treating with them, etc. (Also, to be clear, “daemon” as an importantly-separate thing from “demon” is very silly and I have no truck with it.)

The collective term for demons, devils, and yugoloths is of course “fiends.”

The lawful neutral outsider race has already been covered in my previous post: that’s the fae. Inhumanly perfect spirits obsessed with rules, oaths, codes-of-honor, etc. Dangerous, and certainly not benevolent, but also not inimical to the flourishing of mortals in the way that fiends are. Hard to understand, as all outsiders must on some level be, but probably easier to deal with than any other spirits if you know the right codes and protocols. Probably we play down the “capricious nature spirit” thing and play up the bit where they have courts, monarchs, diplomatic ties to Heaven and Hell, etc.

The chaotic neutral race should be...well, something better than the slaadi, that’s for sure. “They’re infinitely variable and unpredictable, except that they’re all magic frogs who speak in word salad.” Gee. Useful for storytelling, that. I don’t have any super-brilliant ideas here (and am open to suggestions), but I have what I believe to be a good-enough idea: genies. Proud, wild, tempestuous spirits who treasure their own freedom and dignity above all else. Binding them can be a road to great power, since they’ll do pretty much anything to escape, but it’s also unbelievably risky. You can make up some cute lore about their anarchic ad-hoc anything-goes society.

I’d like to use “angels” as the collective term for good-aligned outsiders, the equivalent of “fiends.” We could go with “celestials,” I guess, but it’s awkward that the LG plane specifically is (sometimes) called Celestia, and really “angels” has a connotative punch like nothing else.

Lawful good gets archons. Yay archons. Tiered choirs, divine armies, holy holy holy, the whole shebang. The fluff for these guys could stand to be fleshed out some -- as far as I know it hasn’t been touched since the 3.5e Book of Exalted Deeds, and that version was kinda lame -- but there’s like infinite amounts of Christian angelology lore on which to draw, so I’m not worried.

Neutral good needs something better than guardinals, since “benevolent animal dudes” really had no spiritual resonance at all. Fortunately we can do some conceptual repurposing here. I think we can just grab the beings that D&D currently calls “angels,” start calling them all “devas” -- even the planetars and solars, which I guess become “planetary devas” and “solar devas” -- and stick them all in NG. No one really uses them as all-purpose divine servants anyway, as far as I can tell. They are beings of pure benevolence, protectors and guardians and healers, etc. etc. Possibly we call the NG plane “Celestia,” to fit with the celestial-objects theme of the devas, and just go with “Heaven” for the LG plane.

And then we come to chaotic good, which is definitely the hardest row to hoe. CG has a very important spot on the Great Wheel, the CG outsiders need to have something akin to the narrative power of the demons and devils and archons, and...I just don’t think there’s any pre-existing thing that fits the bill. “Chaotic good” is not the kind of idea that has been traditionally associated with mighty spiritual mysteries, which is probably why all the existing CG outsider races suck so much. (Seriously, as far as I can tell, it’s always either “we’re elf knights who fight for freedom! but, like, planar!” or “uh, we’re spirits of art and beauty, I guess, sorta?”) We’re going to have to develop these guys from scratch.

Rather than trying to come up with an “archetypically CG outlook” or something, I think it would make sense to start with an image of their world and society. This is a good, lovely, beneficent version of the Abyss. This is a place of tremendous diversity, where outsider lords carve out their own domains according to their own idiosyncratic specifications. Which means you have, like, a million conflicting little paradises each defined by its own vision. (But not, like, at war, the way demon lords always are, we’re all very Good here. Just...different from each other.) It probably adds up to a sort of hipster’s-vision-of-the-big-city vibe. You imagine a race of cosmic Manic Pixie Dream Girls, essentially, always flowing into and out of each other’s circles, descending to the Prime Material Plane in order to experience delights / inspire greatness / find adoring mortal fans who will validate their coolness.

I think it would be a mistake to give these guys a single strong visual theme, the way that the guardinals are “animal people” and the eladrin are “pretty elves.” They’re a menagerie of weird-but-beautiful monsters, the way that demons are a menagerie of weird-but-ugly monsters. The race needs a name, but right now I don’t have a good one.

For true neutral outsiders, I think we can just go with elementals and call it a day. They’re mindless! They do as they’re commanded, unless they don’t, in which case they have incredibly simplistic urges like “burn” or “flow!”

The in-between planes -- y’know, Gehenna, the Beastlands, Acheron, etc. -- are cool, in some vague theoretical sense, and I don’t think we should scrap them entirely. But I also think it’s a mistake to try and give them their own full-fledged native outsider races, to pretend that they’re going to have the same depth of inherent character as the main eight outer planes, etc. Instead, I suspect it’s best to use them as divine domains. Because they don’t have powerful native outsider races, they’ve all been taken over by gods. Exactly which gods live on which ones is a matter of your particular setting’s theology, but it makes a lot of intuitive sense to say “these are the places where you’d expect to find gods by default, a god who lives on one of the main eight planes is doing something kinda weird and probably has a close relationship with the local outsiders.”

#roleplaying #d&d

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the-call-of-magic · 6 years

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It’s always interesting to hear from Snape apologists, since I myself used to be one. That is, until I realized that people can act heroic and yet be bad people. In my opinion, though I doubt it will change any minds, the pattern of behavior that is canonically described in Severus’ case is nothing short of abusive and dangerously misguided. My latest anti-Snape post got a lot of angry responses defending his use (or at least creation) of sectumsempra. Many more defended his “love” of Lily. It is these two arguments I feel compelled to join, as my third bit of evidence, being Severus’ enlistment in a terrorist organization, seems to be indefensible. At least I would hope.

As far as the self-defense theory behind the creation of sectumsempra goes, I admit to being intrigued. The behavior of the Marauders was obviously cruel and excessive, and bullying in any way should have been acted upon by those in authority. If Snape did create the spell for self defense then he should be credited for his genius, but I argue that he did not. “For enemies” simply doesn’t have the same connotation as “for protection.” Also, while cruel and emotionally damaging, the pranks pulled by the Marauders never canonically sought to physically harm Snape (please correct me if I’m wrong. It’s been a while since I read the last few books.) Even Sirius luring Severus to the Whomping Willow was meant to scare the daylights out of Snape, not get him hurt or killed. Remus killing Snape even on a full moon would have ruined everything the M’s had. Expulsion would be the least of their worries. That was a bit long-winded, but my point is that a modified cutting curse is a bit worse than say... a bit of spellwork that pulls someone’s pants down. If Snape had, for instance, caused James or Sirius to lose all their hair or become troll-like in appearance in front of a crowd, I would not have as significant of an issue with the eye-for-an-eye mentality. This however was a case of an-eye-for-a-bruise. Again, I’m sure many will disagree.

Moving on to the relationship with Lily, I have far more anger directed at people who forgive or even romanticize Snape’s behavior. Snape specifically asked for Lily to be spared. He asked Voldemort for that privilege, and Voldemort presumably agreed, hence giving Lily the chance to step aside. to cover all his bases, Severus also contacts Dumbledore to beg protection for Lily. Just Lily. Remember this scene? I’ll emphasize the important bits.

“That is why — it is for that reason — he thinks it means Lily Evans!” “The prophecy did not refer to a woman,” said Dumbledore. “It spoke of a boy born at the end of July —” “You know what I mean! He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down — kill them all —” “If she means so much to you,” said Dumbledore, “surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?” “I have — I have asked him —” “You disgust me,” said Dumbledore, and Harry had never heard so much contempt in his voice. Snape seemed to shrink a little, “You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?” Snape said nothing, but merely looked up at Dumbledore. “Hide them all, then,” he croaked. “Keep her — them — safe. Please.” “And what will you give me in return, Severus?” “In — in return?” Snape gaped at Dumbledore, and Harry expected him to protest, but after a long moment he said, “Anything.”

Lovely. Now thats out of the way, you may have noticed a few things in the same way I did. First, Snape was willing to sacrifice Lily’s son to keep her safe, though he was responsible for Voldemort’s targeting of them. Second, Dumbledore was disgusted by Severus for that same thought. He then asked Snape if he even cared about the others, an innocent child and a man who by all accounts had matured beyond his arrogance and was now the beloved husband and father we hear praised repeatedly by others. Snape, of course, made no reply. A confirmation that he cared would be a lie most foul. “They can die, as long as you have what you want?...” My my. it would seem that Albus has Stumbledored upon an inconvenient truth. All Snape wanted was for Lily to be alive. Not happy. Not surrounded by family. Not truly even allowed to live. Just alive, for his own sake. I thought we all agreed that love meant wanting others to be happy. How dare Severus claim to love a woman whose very happiness and reason for living he is willing to sacrifice to Voldemort?!

The worst, and possibly most damning part of this scene is the end. Snape is shocked that he may have to give something up to protect Lily. He assumes that Dumbledore would do it because it was right, and that may have been the case, but Albus was nothing if not pragmatic. Even Dumbledore bashers would agree. Greater Good and all that. Snape only fights for the Light to guarantee protection for Lily, and when that fails, he fights Voldemort because he killed Lily. Not because it’s the right thing to do, but because of Lily. That is an obsession, plain and simple.

If you believe I should respect your right to believe Snape is a good person in addition to being an interesting character, it would be appreciated if you didn’t attack anti-snape bloggers for their arguments. Feel free to disagree, but don’t feel free to hate those of us with differing opinions. Some people are legitimately disgusted by Snape, and as this post should make clear, we are justified in that standing.

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fanguine · 6 years

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the reason i'm so invested in pointing out the unfairness in feminism is because every day i see more and more evidence that especially western cultures (coming with western feminism) are using men as scapegoats for anything.

if there's a report about a paedophile you'll instantly think of a gross old man molesting little children, but rarely does anyone pay attention to the cases of adult women raping and abusing boys, playing it off as that they should enjoy it/be happy they got laid instead of recognizing that it's still a paedophile who traumatized (probably repeatedly and many) by sexually abusing them.

when you hear about domestic violence, you’re most likely to think of a man beating his girlfriend, wife, or life partner. so: usually a man physically assaulting a woman. yet many people don’t know that more than 40% of domestic violence victims are men (and those are just the numbers that came forth with the abuse they experienced). not only that, but if they call the police, it’s as certain as death that they’re going to be arrested even though they’re not the perpetuator. recently, shelters for battered men are opening, after an insane amount of time of few to none existing. so what happens? women complain that since male shelters are opening, the money isn’t going to female shelters, of which there are plenty and receive quite a lot attention already. then claim that men could just seek shelter in women’s shelters, which is nearly impossible considering that most male domestic violence victims are going to get laughed at and brushed off, or sent away as they’re seen as a threat, rather than a victim in need of the support that women are granted.

“Maybe I am wrong about this, and maybe this is a super feminist men's shelter. I hope that I am. Even though all survivors of domestic violence deserve safe spaces to heal and services that will help them with whatever needs they have, in a reality where resources are scarce, we need to be careful with what we prioritize. It is also crucial that the gendered aspects of domestic violence are at the forefront so we can attack the toxic elements of masculinity at its roots as we work towards a world without interpersonal violence.”

this is the last paragraph of the link above. to sum it up: women are more important than men, they should be prioritized at all costs, they’re humans of higher value and men are not. instead of just sharing and trying to help everyone, we’re supposed to let male shelters run out of support so that they soon won’t exist anymore, and men are back to having absolutely no support, right? that’s a great priority there, really...

masculinity is also not toxic. it’s been made to be seen as toxic, but the only unhealthy thing i can see here is the extreme narcissism and self serving attitude that comes with femininity (for women, of course, because men who are feminine get called pussies anyway). besides, lesbian couples have the highest domestic abuse rates of all, yes, higher than heterosexual couples, whereas gay couples have the lowest rates, so i doubt that toxic masculinity is really that real. but i won’t be getting further into that.

now, back to the abuse.. we see it in media and in real life: when a woman defends herself from a man who is attacking her, she will be applauded even if she kills him (sometimes especially, but i understand that most people get that sense of “got what they deserved” when such a thing happens).

when a man acts in self defense, he’s called a monster. this is one of the more scary and, to me personally, stomach churning topics. not only does this render the victim helpless and unable to fight back at all, forcing them to bear the abuse. when they do fight back it’s usually because they’re pushed to their limits. just like women, right? except for a few little details, because the woman can accuse the man of having hit her first and the majority of people will believe her and condemn him. she could also call the police, hell, the victim could call the police, and it would be the victim that gets arrested.. not to mention that everyone knows the connotations of hitting girls. the man could get blackmailed, the woman could hurt herself and claim it was him who did it, alienate him from friends and family who want nothing more to do with him, etc etc... not to mention that this “men aren’t allowed to hit women” thing isn’t something that goes both ways. never have i ever heard someone say that women aren’t allowed to hit men, to hurl things at them, and ruin their self worth with verbal abuse.

you see this double standard often. it manifests in many shapes and forms. one of them is that when a man checks his partner’s phone, it’s a red flag (that it is, indeed), but when a woman does it, it’s okay because “she’s just making sure he’s not cheating!” not only am i a firm believer in that if you can’t trust someone, you shouldn’t be with them, but also that this is invasion of privacy regardless of who does it and what gender they are. it’s weird, it’s scary, and a bad sign generally if someone is obsessed with knowing anything and everything you do. it’s not okay for men, so it’s not okay for women either.

another thing would be sexualization and objectification. we’ve seen it everywhere: feminists fighting for women to be seen as more than just sex objects, as people of their own right. this sounds great, doesn’t it? i fully support it! what i don’t support however, is the sheer hypocrisy in it. for every article or story you find about how gross this objectification is, you’ll see one about men’s bulges, stars revealing the size of a man’s penis, and there’s various other examples like women grabbing men’s asses or crotches without a warning, demanding they take off their shirt/show their abs, and so on..

another sexist thing that many will not notice until they go through divorce is how the mother always gets favored when it comes to child custody, regardless of whether or not she is fit to raise a child (or more). around 82.2% of custodial parents are mothers, whereas only 17.8% are fathers. towards the middle/end of the documentary “the red pill” you can see more on this. though i recommend the movie as a whole, which is about a feminist getting involved with the men’s rights movement to find out what they are fighting for, first skeptical, but then realizing that it’s not just a bunch of fedorabros protesting for their right to make kitchen jokes - these are men, people, with legitimate issues that are being shut down entirely by a feminist movement that claims to fight for equality, but really only aims to empower women. in the end, she no longer considers herself a feminist (neither did i, after that movie), and i believe also joined the men’s right’s movement.

now there’s so much more than i have mentioned, this is just a scratch on the surface of a mountain of issues. i don’t believe in screaming the loudest in order to be the most right. but these are real issues men face, and it’s heartbreaking that they get ignored because “women need it more” or “women are more important” or even “men don’t deserve support”. i hope that someone listens.

#feminism #men's rights #men's issues #men are wonderful #it really says a lot that the popular suggestions to 'men are' were #'men are trash' and 'men are slaves'#so im going to add more #men are beautiful #men are important #men matter #men are human #men have feelings

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overthinkingkdrama · 6 years

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Exit Rave: Money Flower

I didn't really realize this about myself until fairly recently, but I need my quotient of crazy sauce makjang melodrama to keep my passion for dramas alive. Last year it was Ms. Perfect coming swooping in to save me from my drama dryspell, this year it was Money Flower. This became a crack drama for me week over week from the premier. I need something just this twisted and dysfunctional in order to live my best life.

Money Flower is a Jang Hyuk helmed revenge melo that feels a little bit like a dark and gritty reimagining of Baker King Kim Tak Goo. There are a staggering number of plot similarities between the two shows. The primary difference being this: In Baker King our hero is a Human Cinnamon Roll way too obsessed with actual cinnamon rolls to bother avenging himself on anybody. In Money Flower, Kang Pil Joo is a reptilian chess master, way to obsessed with avenging himself to bother with literally anything else (including love, friendship or actual cinnamon rolls). Also, Baker King is slightly less murdery. Slightly.

I picked up Money Flower almost entirely on the strength of the poster (the one above on the left). Well, and because of Jang Hyuk's involvement. But that pretty much goes without saying as far as this blog is concerned. I wasn't sure how I felt about the match up with Park Se Young since in my head she's still that top student from School 2013, but it's not even Jang Hyuk's most mismatched pairing in recent memory (ahem, Beautiful Mind) so it didn't give me more than a momentary pause. That poster just has such an intriguing dark energy to it. Promising a heavy melodrama about a manipulative, deeply unhappy man, who uses his intelligence to ruin his life and the lives of everyone around him to his own ends. Which is exactly what this drama delivered.

I really think that's the best mindset to take into this. Come for Jang Hyuk playing an almost preternaturally competent chess master type character and stay for the makjang madness and the unaccountable chemistry he has with nearly every other character.

A couple provisos I will make before recommending Money Flower to anyone. You definitely want to know what kind of thing you're getting into here.

I often have a knee-jerk defensive reaction to anyone who would refer to Kdramas as "Korean soap operas" because the term "soap opera" at least in the United States has a distinctly unflattering, low-rent connotation. As we all know Kdrama has a lot to offer narratively, rhetorically, and each show can vary wildly in terms of production values. I don't judge every drama using the same rubric. In fact, I am admittedly much harder on dramas with very obvious merits (My Just Between Lovers and First Life reviews are good examples of this pattern) than I am on trashier fare. There is definitely a sliding scale at play here.

Money Flower is one of those dramas you can pretty legitimately classify as a soap. A compelling one. A very well paced one, but a soap nonetheless. I'm not too proud to admit that. I liked the soapiness and the insanity. This is good schlocky fun. For best results you probably don't want to fully engage critical thrusters. Something about this drama feels very old school, like it could have been made any time in the past 15 years. Although the critique of the corrupt conglomerate system feels pretty contemporary. If you enjoy dramas along the lines of Baker King, That Winter the Wind Blows, or even something like I'm Sorry, I Love You then this is probably be to your taste.

Moving into the actual review, I will say that I was impressed at the writers ability to maintain the tension and continue serving up cliffhanger after juicy cliffhanger week after week. Consider the dramas 24 episode run, that's no mean feat. Whether all those turns added up to a fully realized story is up for debate, but I think so.

As to the characters, I won't lie to you, they're all terrible people. Every single one of them twisted or greedy or obsessive but most of the time all three. (All of them except for Mo Hyun, who is kind and pure and didn't deserve to be mixed up with any of this.) But they’re very interesting terrible people, and therein lies the fun. Pil Joo especially walks that tenuous line of ruthless anti-hero that made me frequently question his actions and his justifications for them. At times I didn't even know if I wanted him to succeed, but the drama always managed to bring me around in the end. It was supremely satisfying in that way.

I think the character with the most wholly engaging dynamic arc was Jang Boo Cheon. My attitude about him changed from hostility, to ambivalence, to genuine interest and concern by the end of the drama. I'm well aware I'm in the minority on this one, but by the end of the drama Boo was my favorite character. He was just full of narrative possibilities. What side he'd ultimately land on was up in the air until the very last episode. He reminds me very much of Ma Jun from Baker King. A spoiled and unlikable character with unexpected emotional depth who makes you root for his redemption. Shout out to actor Jang Seung Jo who I thought really knocked his role out of the park, I hope he gets more and better roles moving forward. The extended cast, most particularly Lee Mi Sook as the truly fascinating Jung Mal Ran, all do a great job.

I liked the ending of this drama, though not as much as I wanted to. I think in the end they wanted to have everything at once and it made some of the choices in the finale feel a bit slapdash and manipulative. The fact that that's pretty much the worst thing I have to say about the writing is frankly a miracle.

For the hours of sheer enjoyment it furnished me and keeping that sliding scale of quality in mind, I give Money Flower a 8/10. A solid addition to the sizable Jang Hyuk filmography and to the revenge-melo genre in general.

#money flower #mbc money flower #kdrama review #exit rave #exit rant #jang hyuk #park se young #kdramas #guys #look!#I finally leaned how to gif #I'm thrilled with my newfound power

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mbti-notes · 7 years

Text

On Perfectionism

I have received many questions that relate to or boil down to problems with perfectionism, so here are some thoughts for the archive.

Perfectionism is the tendency to desire “flawlessness” as defined by an individual’s conception of it. This implies that "perfect" is often in the eye of the beholder, though a person can of course be influenced by external or societal factors in the standards that they choose for defining/envisioning perfection. For the purposes of this article, perfectionism is assumed to be a negative characteristic. Although the word "perfect" sometimes carries a positive connotation with regard to a simple desire for "betterment" towards an "ideal" state, the aim here is to explore how this seemingly innocent desire might go very wrong or take an ugly turn into dysfunction.

What Motivates Perfectionism?

It is important to distinguish between "needs" and "wants" because many people feel as though they "need" perfection rather than simply desire it. Using the word "need" as a substitute for "want" lends the concept of desire a greater air of legitimacy, which can easily turn into an unhealthy sense of entitlement. If something is a "need", then it is implied that you must have it in order to "survive", then it is assumed that people shouldn't stand in your way whenever you want to satisfy your need, further, it would even be morally wrong for them to stop you. Imagine that you were starving and about to die but there was somebody preventing you from eating, they would certainly be considered culpable for your death. The confusion of needs and wants go some way to explaining why perfectionists tend to be obsessive and/or aggressive. They implicitly treat the desire for perfection as a "need" and thus feel justified in doing whatever it takes to achieve it.

A "need" has two possible components: 1) it is necessary for survival, and 2) beyond mere physical survival, it is necessary for flourishing or thriving in life. For example, people have a need for food, water, clothing, and shelter, which satisfies the first component. However, once those basic physical needs are achieved, there are other needs that become important, such as the needs for safety, stability, respect, validation, belonging, competency, freedom, opportunity, achievement (see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as an example). Generally speaking, you can identify a "need" by whether you 1) require it for living a good life, as well as 2) whether it leads to you fulfilling your personal potential in positive ways. Needs are defined as universal (true for all human beings), so it is an essential concept to understand for anyone with an interest in living a fulfilling life.

A "want" is not something that you need but something that you desire, i.e., it belongs to you, is tailored to your unique life circumstances, and is not necessarily important to everyone. It is not the purpose of this article to argue that personal desires are wrong or even morally problematic. Desires can be legitimate when satisfying them would result in living a good life and/or you fulfilling your personal potential, i.e., when they are connected to important human needs. However, many people don't understand their desires at all, specifically, they are unaware of the origin/cause of their desires and thus cannot successfully determine whether satisfying a particular desire is leading them in the right direction over the long run. Worse, people often know full well that satisfying a desire is going to produce negative consequences yet they can't help themselves, in which case the desire has become more of a compulsion.

Perfectionism is a compulsion. A compulsion is an intensely strong desire that is motivated by unconscious emotional reactivity, which includes things like: deep-seated fears, insecurities, painful memories, unresolved traumas, defense mechanisms. Generally speaking, people are not inclined to directly acknowledge and confront unconscious activity because it provokes unpleasant feelings and tends to threaten self-esteem, therefore, humans are emotionally motivated to keep unconscious activities in the unconscious. However, the more one tries to repress or suppress such activity, the "louder" it becomes, until one cannot help but be compelled by dark emotional forces.

For example, a perfectionist is often unable to handle criticism gracefully when it threatens their self-esteem. Self-esteem problems are often rooted in unconscious fears about being inadequate and/or being rejected by others for being inadequate. When the unconscious fear gets loud enough to rise into consciousness, it might compel the person to eliminate the external trigger of the fear, e.g., they might aggressively shut down the criticism/critic or make excuses to deflect the criticism. You may not be able to observe the perfectionism at first glance, but when you dig deeper into their motivations for shutting down the criticism, it is because the criticism interferes with their conception of the "perfect" self who magically "never makes mistakes".

When perfectionist behavior is motivated not by a pure desire for betterment but rather by dark and unknown unconscious activity, it becomes unhealthy, and a person is likely to manifest dysfunctional and problematic behavior that interferes with thriving and flourishing in life. Therefore, one important key to understanding perfectionism is to understand the dark emotional content which underlies it. There is rarely one neat cause when it comes to complicated human behavior; perfectionism can be learned from many possible sources and for a variety of reasons. Since perfectionism serves to address an emotional problem, people continue it even when they are aware of the negative effects, because they are not addressing the underlying emotional problem itself.

On average, Intuitives are more likely to be perfectionists than Sensors. Accepting and honoring facts and being able to adjust one's expectations in accordance with reality naturally serve to inoculate a person against developing perfectionist tendencies. This is not to say that it is impossible for Sensors to be perfectionists, it is just less likely. Intuitives are often dissatisfied with reality, refuse to accept facts that limit their imagination, and they aren't as adaptable to unexpected reality checks. Since they are heavily invested in achieving their hopes, dreams, or ideals, they are more likely to slide into perfectionist behavior in order to force reality to conform to the images that they envision. In other words, an unhealthy N function is often the culprit behind perfectionist tendencies. Since everyone has an N function, everyone is capable of perfectionism under the right circumstances. Perfectionism takes slightly different forms according to the health and development of the N function as well as its position within the functional stack.

Ni Perfectionism (NJs & SPs)

Ni wants to envision one perfect future that will come into being, and a person runs into problems when that vision is out of touch with reality. NJs are the most likely to become perfectionists and tend to suffer terribly because of the extremes that they often go to in order to achieve their ideals. SPs don't tend to be as prone to perfectionism because higher Se allows them to be more adaptable and easygoing, but perfectionism might creep in when an individual is prone to tertiary Ni loop or inferior Ni grip, or when they meet a situation that activates low Ni insecurities.

No matter the functional stack position, when one's Ni perceptions are too narrow, too rigid, too poorly defined, or too extreme and removed from reality, it is quite likely that Ni types will display self-sabotaging behavior. To use Ni appropriately: 1) one must understand the difference between perception and reality, 2) one must be willing to examine the truth of one's perceptions about the world, and 3) one must be able to step back from negative events in order to put them into a big picture or longer term perspective. Therefore, when Ni is used inappropriately: 1) one often treats their twisted perceptions as absolute truth, 2) one tends to become lost in wishing that ideal visions come true, and 3) one is easily led astray by the trivial and the negative because of lacking big picture or long term perspective.

Individuals who aren't able to use Ni maturely often suffer from hair-trigger frustration and, if they lack a healthy outlet for their negative feelings, they tend to utilize Se to dump their frustrations out into the world. For example, unhealthy Se behavior often looks like: emotional overreactions, impulsive overcompensation for negative events/setbacks, unreasonable demands and expectations, aggressive and controlling behavior, insufferably whiny and self-pitying attitude, arguing uselessly about which "facts" are true/false, selectively picking out “evidence” to support/prove problematic ideas, wasting time redoing tasks in order to perform them perfectly. Of course, such behavior is hardly conducive to flourishing and realizing one's positive potential. When Ni perceptions are too distorted/extreme or when Ni types have difficulty setting healthy ideals to guide them towards positive self-actualization, it is likely that they eventually suffer from depression or cynicism because they see nothing in the world that is worth committing themselves to.

- Immature INTJs often struggle with auxiliary Te development, which means that the methods and strategies they choose for achieving goals lack efficiency and effectiveness, thus increasing the chances of failure or disappointment. INTJ perfectionism often takes the form of aggression as they try to make the world conform to their ideals and expectations for how things "should" turn out perfectly. However, the more they try to force reality to change (rather than adapting themselves to reality), the more likely they are to create new problems, which then gradually saps their willingness to engage with the world.

- Immature INFJs often struggle with auxiliary Fe development, which means that they have difficulty fitting in and establishing emotional intimacy with others, thus suffering the loneliness and unhappiness of lacking a good social support system. INFJ perfectionism often takes the form of self-flagellation and trying to contort oneself into a false image of perfection so that one can side-step fitting in by taking solace in being whatever definition of perfection one believes is necessary for feeling self-confident. However, the more they strive to be a false image of perfection as a means to build fake self-esteem (rather than solving the root of the problem in their emotional insecurities or social anxieties), the more they lose touch with the authentic self and their own emotional needs, to the point of feeling completely lost in life and not understanding why.

- Immature ENTJs often struggle with auxiliary Ni development, which means that their ideals are often unhealthy or misguided, thus increasing the chances of feeling empty or dissatisfied even when they do manage to achieve their desired goals. ENTJ perfectionism often takes the form of tackling every challenge aggressively, such that one can efficiently reach imagined ideals of success every time. However, the more easily they rack up achievements and use them to define personal success (rather than reflecting on the larger meaning and value of those achievements), the more inflated their ego becomes and the less likely they are to admit to any existential emptiness or confusion, which makes it all too easy to continually defer questions of health and integrity.

- Immature ENFJs often struggle with auxiliary Ni development, which means that their ideals are often unhealthy or misguided, thus increasing the chances of feeling underwhelmed or unhappy even when they do manage to fulfill their aspirations. ENFJ perfectionism often takes the form of blindly pursuing ideals that they believe help increase social regard and/or social harmony. However, the more aggressively they chase the positive feelings of affirmation or harmonization (rather than reflecting on whether those social rewards are truly meaningful, universally good, and lead to spiritual fulfillment), the more likely they are to lose their authentic self because of only defining themselves through the rewards and punishments of social life.

- Immature ISTPs often struggle with auxiliary Se development, which means that their attitude and understanding of the world is severely limited and circumscribed by their preexisting system of judgment, thus making them narrow-minded and unable to learn new things well. ISTP perfectionism often takes the form of gerrymandering facts and details to match up with one’s oversimplistic and reductive beliefs about the world, obtaining self-confidence by exerting control and influence over outcomes. However, the more they must dismiss important and relevant information in order to keep their belief system intact (rather than integrating new facts and broadening their knowledge base), the more likely they are to encounter failure and contradiction, which causes them to feel a growing disillusionment with the world.

- Immature ISFPs often struggle with auxiliary Se development, which means that their attitude and understanding of life is severely limited and circumscribed by their own narrow preferences and emotional instability. ISFP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to make the world conform to one’s own personal value system in hopes of resolving underlying feelings of incongruency or dissatisfaction. However, the more stubbornly they hold on to their own beliefs, values, and opinions (rather than opening up their value system to proper critical scrutiny and correction), the more they feel compelled to run from every perceived insult or invalidation of their values, sometimes to the point of resorting to self-imposed isolation as a means to feel better about themselves.

- Immature ESTPs often struggle with auxiliary Ti development, which means that their ability to make sound judgments is easily compromised by pointless or irrelevant distractions, thus unable to formulate an accurate conception of their own strengths and weaknesses. ESTP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to "stay ahead of the pack" such that one can maintain a sense of competency and even claim superiority. However, the more they overreact to every little thing that challenges their sense of competency (rather than focusing on the challenges that would help them become a better person), the more likely they are to sow chaos and produce negative consequences that hold them back in life, sometimes to the point of paranoia and believing that the world is conspiring against them.

- Immature ESFPs often struggle with auxiliary Fi development, which means that their ability to make healthy and moral choices is easily compromised by pointless or trivial distractions. ESFP perfectionism often takes the form of using trial-and-error to pinpoint exactly which behaviors are going to efficiently achieve the most pleasure and validation. However, the more they chase after fleeting highs or superficial validation (rather than reflecting on how best to live a life of authenticity and integrity), the more likely they are to feel empty and unsatisfied as they too easily sacrifice their integrity for things that never seem to fully sate their desires, which opens the door for depressive thoughts to overtake their positive and trusting nature.

Ni perfectionism is essentially a misalignment between what one wants the world to be (Ni) and what the world is (Se). When Ni and Se are imbalanced, Ni types only see what seems to be lacking, they sense imperfections, falsehoods, gaps, voids, and they hyperfocus on those things, unable to visualize let alone actualize meaningful positive potential. The remedy to Ni perfectionism is to bring one's expectations and reality closer together. The world is under no obligation to meet your expectations, rather, if you are serious about living your life well, you must learn to adapt your expectations to the realities of the world. It is not healthy to aim too high or too far, nor is it healthy to aim too low or have no aims. An ideal is simply a concept that provides direction, and progress should be made incrementally by carrying out realistic plans and learning from setbacks, but focusing too much on the destination means that you miss out on the fun of getting there or you miss out on other more interesting paths. Remember that the rigid way you define “perfection” does not reflect the truth of the world and how it should be. When you stubbornly hold on to problematic ideas and ideals despite the negative effects and consequences, how can you ever learn, feel, experience, and appreciate ALL that life has to offer? The meaning of life is a subjective construction, a mere concept, so it can be changed at any time should you will it, but you can't do that when you want to believe in comfortable falsehoods and close your mind off to other valid interpretations.

Ne Perfectionism (NPs & SJs)

Ne wants to remain open to new possibilities in hopes that pursuing them can keep life interesting or progressing, and a person runs into problems when they have trouble envisioning and pursuing the right possibilities. NPs are similar to NJs in that they can exhibit perfectionism when they become fixated on only one particular possibility that they are heavily invested in bringing to life, though they tend to take setbacks/challenges in greater stride than NJs because of being able to access a greater number and variety of potential possibilities. SJs don't tend to be as prone to perfectionism because higher Si allows them to be more easily content with reality as it is, but perfectionism can develop when an individual is prone to tertiary Ne loop or inferior Ne grip, or when they meet a situation that activates low Ne insecurities.

No matter the functional stack position, when Ne envisions possibilities that are too limited by poor imagination, too detached from logistical reality, or too unreasonable in expectations, it is quite likely that Ne types will display irrational behavior. To use Ne appropriately: 1) one must understand the relationship between hope and success, 2) one must be willing to temper/adjust one's hopes to accommodate important facts and details, and 3) one must be able to envision positive possibilities even in the face of negative setbacks. Therefore, when Ne is used inappropriately: 1) one frequently encounters disappointment because their hopes and dreams are easily dashed, 2) one tends to become too idealistic or uses fantasy for escape, and 3) one feels easily destroyed by every little setback/mistake because of being unable to muster a positive and resourceful attitude.

Individuals who aren't able to use Ne maturely often suffer from fear of disappointment and, if they lack a stabilizing force in life, they tend to utilize Si as a means to express their irrational anxieties about loss or regret. For example, unhealthy Si behavior often looks like: pedantic nitpicking, obsessing over small insignificant details that don't match preexisting expectations, compulsive comparisons that serve no useful purpose, circular ruminating on past missteps, incessant complaining about how the present/future can never live up to a mythologized past, pessimistic projections of past mistakes into future failure, making lame excuses to shut down new ideas and possibilities (and stay within comfort zones), preemptive self-handicapping or lowering expectations in an attempt to avoid/blunt future disappointment, anxious micromanaging behavior that tries to catch up with constantly fuzzy/moving goal posts. Of course, such behavior is hardly conducive to flourishing and realizing positive possibilities. When Ne visions are unrealistic or when Ne types have difficulty accessing feasible and inspiring possibilities, it is likely that they eventually suffer from depression or resignation because they see no opportunity for real progress.

- Immature INTPs often struggle with auxiliary Ne development, which means that their outlook and understanding of the world is severely limited and circumscribed by their preexisting system of judgment, thus making them unable to achieve substantial intellectual growth. INTP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to twist and turn facts to fit their closed system of logic, struggling until they feel as though their knowledge has reached an "ideal" state of "making sense". However, the more stubborn and narrow-minded they are (rather than entertaining new ideas or incorporating alternative possibilities), the more pessimistic they become as their knowledge of the world becomes less and less accurate and reliable, which creates a growing fear of engaging with a world that seems intent on exposing one’s every flaw.

- Immature INFPs often struggle with auxiliary Ne development, which means that their outlook and understanding of life is severely limited and circumscribed by their narrow preferences and emotional instability. INFP perfectionism often takes the form of wishful thinking which imagines it is possible to remake the world into an ideal image that eases one’s feelings of incongruency or dissatisfaction. However, the more fixated they become in believing that the self can only be expressed in one perfect and "acceptable" way (rather than opening up the mind to other new and interesting paths for potential growth), the more they feel compelled to retreat into the comforts of fantasy each time the world makes them feel small or invalidated, eventually unable to escape from the small comfort zones they have drawn for themselves.

- Immature ENTPs often struggle with auxiliary Ti development, which means that their ability to make sound judgments is easily compromised by useless or irrelevant distractions, thus unable to formulate an accurate conception of their own strengths and weaknesses. ENTP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to prove oneself "innovative" through exploring various new ideas and possibilities. However, the more they indulge random ideas only for the sake of getting attention as a "nonconformist" thinker (rather than accepting well-established ideas that are proven to produce tangible progress), the more they reveal themselves as fraudulent and empty, sometimes to the point of feeling irrationally persecuted or chronically unappreciated by the world.

- Immature ENFPs often struggle with auxiliary Fi development, which means that their ability to choose the right path in life is easily compromised by useless or trivial distractions. ENFP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to live up to an image of oneself as "special" or “unique” by exploring various ideas and possibilities to use as personal identifiers. However, the more they rely on ideas with no tangible worth to define and express the self for the sake of obtaining validation (rather than accepting the path of humble self-development through hard work and commitment to sound values), the more they reveal themselves as rather superficial and even predictable in their “countertrend” tastes, which only serves to exacerbate the low self-esteem that triggers their hunger for validation.

- Immature ISTJs often struggle with auxiliary Te development, which means that the rules and methods they follow for achieving goals lack efficiency and effectiveness, thus increasing the chances of failure or disappointment. ISTJ perfectionism often takes the form of micromanaging details and plans in hopes of making them conform with preexisting expectations for how things "should" be. However, the more they try to prevent situations from moving too far outside their comfort zones (rather than being more amenable to change and novelty), the more likely they are to encounter situations that threaten their competency, and the growing fear of getting in over their heads tends to produce extreme risk-aversion that cuts off new paths to growth and fulfillment.

- Immature ISFJs often struggle with auxiliary Fe development, which means that they have difficulty adapting fluidly to social norms and establishing emotional intimacy with others, thus suffering the loneliness and unhappiness of lacking a good social support system. ISFJ perfectionism often takes the form of unnecessary nitpicking or criticizing in an effort to keep situations aligned with one’s emotional comfort zones. However, the more strict and inflexible they are in defining their boundaries of emotional comfort (rather than learning to accept vulnerability and embrace new experiences), the more likely they are to encounter threatening situations, and the growing fear of facing potential discomfort tends to produce extreme risk-aversion that cuts off new paths to love and fulfillment.

- Immature ESTJs often struggle with auxiliary Si development, which means that they have difficulty accepting their own weaknesses and limitations, thus increasing the chances of overextending in unhealthy or harmful ways. ESTJ perfectionism often takes the form of high expectations for everyone and everything to be competent and efficient. However, the more aggressively or anxiously they try to their enforce their rules and standards (rather than reflecting on whether those standards are reasonable, realistic, necessary, or truly a good fit for the person/situation), the more likely they are to cause harm or create new problems that inadvertently reveal how unfit and incompetent they are, which serves to exacerbate their micromanaging behavior in a vicious cycle.

- Immature ESFJs often struggle with auxiliary Si development, which means that they have difficulty handling their own uncomfortable emotions and establishing proper emotional boundaries, thus increasing the chances of sacrificing their well-being for little gain. ESFJ perfectionism often takes the form of managing observable behavior to be more socially “proper” and acceptable (both their own and others’). However, the more aggressively or anxiously they push themselves/others to conform with strict moral beliefs or social values (rather than reflecting on whether those beliefs/values require some adjustment or critique), the more likely they are to create relationship discord/conflicts that further trigger their fears and insecurities, thus making it harder for them to be the socially proper and acceptable person that they hope to be.

Ne perfectionism is essentially a constant tension between aspiration (Ne) and contentment (Si). When Ne and Si are imbalanced, Ne types only visualize the supposed best or the supposed worst case scenarios, unable to find any healthy middle ground, or unable to establish rational consistency in how they approach learning and planning in life. The remedy to Ne perfectionism is to recognize that there is always room for improvement BUT without losing sight of all the good things that you already have. It is not healthy to always be chasing greener pastures, nor is it healthy to always let fear stop you from branching out into greener pastures. Hopes and dreams are there to guide and motivate you, but you will turn them into sadness and disappointment when you focus too much on the destination rather than appreciating how you grow and mature along the way. Remember that progress in life should be gradual and incremental as you learn from each step as well as each misstep. When you expect to make progress too quickly, you'll be easily duped by “shortcuts” that backfire on you; when you don't expect that progress is even possible for you, you'll resign yourself to bad/undesirable circumstances for no good reason. At any point in time, you can choose to make a decision that changes your life direction and you ought to try to be a better version of yourself, but you won't be able to choose the right path if you believe that the past defines who you are or if you are unwilling/incapable of looking forward to positive future possibilities.

As mentioned in the introduction, perfectionism is an expression of unconscious emotional reactivity. Lack of awareness of unconscious activity makes it likely that a person confuses their needs and wants, i.e., they treat their perfectionist desires as “needs” and then become irrationally driven to satisfy them.

When you feel compelled to “perfect” something, ask yourself honestly:

is it a need or want?

is my behavior harming myself or someone else?

are my “standards” or “expectations” reasonable and appropriate?

where do my “standards” or “expectations” come from?

what do I fear might happen if I were to “let things be”?

can I confront and articulate the fear itself rather than acting out?

can I envision, as objectively as possible, both the pros and the cons of “letting things be” (rather than just assuming the worst)?

can I put negative events into a big picture perspective?

The first step in addressing perfectionism is to develop better emotional intelligence so that you can be more aware of your perfectionist behavior and its emotional origins. Hopefully, the short descriptions for each type above help to illuminate how poorly developed functions can create unconscious fears that compel perfectionist behavior. Consult the sections about Emotional Well-Being and Type Development on my blog for more advice.

last modified: March 25th, 2019

#perfectionism #defense mechanisms #emotional intelligence #development #controlling #anxiety #pessimism #need vs want #ask

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marvelandponder · 7 years

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M.A. Larson Roasts the Fandom

Well, originally it was his, at least. From what we can gather, it seems this was an old script they had lying around from when Larson worked on the show, and they’ve retooled it to work for the current season.

Who exactly did the rearranging is still a mystery, although if I had to throw a guess out there, it would make sense that this season’s story editors Joanna Lewis and Kristine Songco (otherwise known as the Lady Writers) were the ones giving the script its updates.

If so, that explains why it came out so fantastically despite Larson saying he wasn’t happy with the final product.

From what very little I know about the industry, it’s not uncommon for writers to watch their scripts be turned into something totally, soul-crushingly different from their original vision. So, I’m hoping that behind-the-scenes communication issue is fixed. Even if it doesn’t always affect episode quality, we ended up losing a good writer over it, and I can’t imagine it feels good to put your heart and soul into something only for it to be changed before it airs.

That being said, it’s almost ironic that it happened with such a meta episode. Larson usually gets blamed for the Twilicorn fiasco despite his original script being totally different. So it’s kinda funny that Magical Mystery Cure got him flak for years and this episode — which ended up being sort of an encore after his grand finale with Amending Fences — is yet another episode that was changed without his consent but this time it ended up being pretty well loved (on the whole).

Life has a weird sense of humour like that.

I had to start with that behind-the-scenes stuff because I’m shocked—shocked—that they managed to make an episode that’s somehow even more meta than Slice of Life.

Not only that, but because of its weird production history it’s an episode that perfectly blends the old feel of MLP with the new. I really can’t tell you how much of Larson’s script they kept intact (he seemed to imply not a lot, but it feels so much like classic MLP that I almost refuse to believe some of this stuff wasn’t from him), but this is such a weirdly perfect episode because it brings that Return of Harmony feel to the season 7 version of these characters and this world.

And to top it all off, as a long-time fan of the show whose been in the fandom since season 2, the ponifed mirror it holds up to the fans is just hilarious.

Pictured above: us rn

Like, actually the best thing. It’s a funny episode for causal fans, but for hardcore fans, it’s amazing—and any commentary that can add a layer for those in the know, but not detract anything for the little fans or casual viewers, is just golden.

It also sort of exemplifies what there is to love about Larson. Even if nothing but his original concept ended up being used (still don’t believe that), it makes perfect sense that this came from him. The smart edge he was willing bring to Pony will forever be missed.

But, at least we have one last hurrah! Sort of. So without further introduction, allow me to fangirl over and pretend to analyze an episode about the dangers of missing the point by over-analyzing!

… wait.

Not Just a “It’s Just a Kids Show” Argument

Okay, so when you’re a huge fan of cartoons made for children, you tend to come across this argument a fair bit: it’s just a kids show. Why are you looking so deep into it? Don’t over-analyze it, it’s made for kids.

At glance you might think that’s what this episode is arguing, too, that if adult fans want to watch, they should keep in mind that it’s just for kids and not overthink it.

But that argument tends to come with the connotation that kids shows aren’t deep at all and can’t be meaningful because they’re made for kids. And it doesn’t take me to tell you, a cartoon fan, that that’s just not the case.

This episode isn’t devaluing what kids enjoy, or even saying all deep thought over what was intended to be fun, silly, and heartfelt is bad. But it is a reminder not to get so lost in that overthinking that you miss out on what the show’s really about: the fun, silly, cute horses learning cheesy, but still incredibly earnest lessons on life, love, and (of course) friendship.

And this isn’t exactly a middle finger to the fandom, either---I’ve seen it taken that way a few times, too. If you remember Slice of Life and even the convention scenes of Stranger than Fanfiction at all, you’ll remember M.A. Larson (who wrote Slice of Life) and the rest of the staff actually love our creativity and world-building. They dedicated an entire episode, the show’s 100th, to characters the fans created themselves.

And yes, even our analysis community is well-loved by the staff if Quibble Pants is anything to go by (his character may grate on Dash’s nerves from time to time, but he’s also portrayed as incredibly smart, inventive, and learns a lesson in the end to become a better pony).

So, please don’t misunderstand: they do still love our passion and even our crazy, overly-deep ideas, and you can even make criticisms if you want (I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s an anti-criticism thing, either), but the point is that we need just need to keep things in perspective, or else miss out on the fun of it all.

And, that this show is meant for kids. Not “just for kids,” like that’s a bad thing, but that kids are, have been, and will forever be the target audience, and that’s something we should always have a respect for.

I’ve always loved that about the staff. That they have a great love for the young fans of the show, and they’ll always put them first. It’s the way it should be, even with a an older fanbase that they also love dearly (despite our many, many flaws; which come to think of it mirrors the lesson the mane 6 are trying to teach).

So, yeah, this is one of the funniest lessons the show has had to date, and but also one that carries a lot of meaning, for fans young and old.

I warned you that this would be a lot of fangirling.

Character Growth, Comedy, and Criticisms

God, this episode has so much going for it… I’m just sitting here trying to think of where to start and remembering just how much there is to enjoy here.

Okay, for starters, he nailed the fanbase’s biggest hangups over the years:

Fluttershy: Learning the same lesson over and over Pinkie Pie: Considered flanderized when she seems too silly/not grounded in the moment (think Filli Vanilli, the colouring book in Princess Twilight Part 1, or the balloon distracting her in Three’s a Crowd) Rainbow Dash: Hardcore fans claim she’s perfect, is best pony Twilight: Was better before the wings, or would’ve been better if ____ had happened Applejack and Rarity are hilariously switched. Rarity is the background pony getting all the criticism every time she does anything (has an episode), and Applejack is the one that’s praised to the point of obsession.

Spike, ironically, doesn’t have a role in this episode, and you can tell just based on some of her lines that Starlight took his spot in the rewrites (Spike totally would’ve stayed behind with Rarity in the exact same way). I’m a bit bummed they didn’t put in a joke or two for him, because he did write in that journal, too. They could’ve even commented on whether or not he’s considered part of the friend group (a major character or a supporting character), but there’s only so much running time.

I love that the CMC just got popular on the playground for their entries. Like, no drama there, they’re just loved because they’re adorable and sweet, and isn’t that accurate though?

Also: they actually are going to have an episode later this season about that summer camp idea they had, called Marks and Recreation. And some people wonder why I love the later seasons.

And I like that by calling some things out in-episode, like Fluttershy’s baby steps or Pinkie’s silliness, they actually get a chance to say, yeah, you might be legitimately right, but here’s how they’ve grown as characters.

Even just listening to some of the lyrics of the song: Rainbow Dash’s ego is huge, but it gives her the courage to fail, Pinkie might seem overly excited on the outside, but it’s just because she’s so excited to be with her friends. Twilight’s was a bit rushed to get to the chorus, but aside from hers, they each get at the heart of why these characters are so compelling and endearing and I just?

I just really love that.

Oh and I want to take a moment to appreciate the design of the song, because Daniel Ingram puts in so much freakin’ thought to these sometimes. The point of the song is that their flaws are what make them who they are, and by extension make them friends, so what does Ingram do?

Not only gives them each a verse to detail one of their biggest flaws, but lets them come together in perfect harmony for the chorus. That perfectly matches the meaning of the song.

If it sounds similar to another season 7 song because of that harmony, you’re not wrong: it’s similar in structure to Until the End of Time (or was it When We’re with Our Team?), only that was half a joke song: the point was that in comparison to Starlight and Trixie, the girls have a ridiculously easy time getting along. Super catchy and upbeat, but also a lot more vague than Flawless because it’s focusing on just how well they get along after all this time of being friends. So, this episode’s song ends up being the more meaningful of the two.

Oh, and then there’s Starlight Glimmer in a supporting role! See, this season has been letting her play the supporting role instead of always being the star or costar in her appearances, which really helps integrate her more and more into the cast. Even though she comes up with the idea of showing the girls they’re appreciated, she doesn’t overshadow their efforts to solve the problem.

A part of me doesn’t like that she had to take Spike’s role in the episode to do it, and again, that would’ve been remedied if Spike had a small joke about being on the run from crazy fans asking how close he is to Twilight and the girls really. It’s not like whoever revised this episode didn’t have a great sense of humour too---if nothing else, our Mystery Editor(s) definitely must’ve put in Starlight’s line about needing to copy the Communist Manifesto, so I’m sure they also could’ve reworked something funny for Spike quickly.

But at least we have a Spike episode this coming week to help make up for it.

Back to this episode, can we just.

Can we JUST appreciate the comedy?

Not even ‘oh this episode made the giggles’ but just like... the sheer variety of kinds of jokes? We had slapstick, we had sight gags, we had things floating into frame, we had the frame moving over to the punchline, we had ridiculously hilarious expressions, character humour, smartly written lines, and to put the cherry on the cake of course, we had meta humour.

Like, this episode is a comedic gold mine.

It makes me appreciate the different kinds of humour the show has to offer. Dr. Wolf just recently made a video on the lack of slapstick in MLP in recent seasons, and as a fan of director Edgar Wright (Scott Pilgrim, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, At World’s End, Baby Driver, etc), I recently watched a video on how he does visual comedy like no other director. Give it a watch if you’re interested.

So, yeah, since most episodes have one or two styles of comedy they rely more heavily on, it’s just refreshing to get a full buffet.

Oh, but even after the lesson, I should probably still say something critical in this this critical analysis, shouldn’t I?

Well, fine.

For one, the townsponies viewing the mane 6 differently once they know their personal thoughts is somewhat reasonable, but if you take a step back from the meta of the episode, it does put this episode in the category of: the town acts like jerks for an episode... episode

I find it hilarious and don’t have much of a problem with it, but I realize that for some, this is an actual problem because this is supposed to be such a loving, kind world.

At least this time there’s a reason for them to go total Jerk---unlike, say the marketplace in Putting Your Hoof Down or the squabbling delegates of Princess Spike---but for some this is going to be an issue.

Also, you have to wonder if they censored some things in the journal, because otherwise, everyone now knows Daring Do is A.K. Yearling...

... unless that’s what upcoming episode Daring Done is about. Have I mentioned I love the continuity in this show?

Oh, and I think I might make the details section its own post this time. Normally save a space at the bottom to highlight small details I liked in an episode, but this post has already become a huge love-letter, so I should probably spare your dash from being eaten alive.

So, overall, to me, this episode is kind of masterful. Larson was definitely the man for the job: I can’t think of anyone else who could so eloquently put the fandom in their place without straight up insulting them---or have the cojones to try! All while reminding the fandom of all the reasons there are to like the show in the first place!

Brilliant in concept, and in execution, so even though I spent this post praising Larson himself, I’ve also gotta give some love to the current staff members for this one. Like I said, it blends classic MLP sensibilities with all the polish, development, and emphasis on continuity of the current seasons, and for that, it’s a truly unique, wonderfully insightful episode.

And right off the heels of The Perfect Pear, which was an emotional masterpiece in my eyes, too! Right now, I’ve gotta say, it’s good to be an MLP fan.

Need more pony? I always do. That’s why I have all these episode reviews and editorials for you! And to make it easier, have the last three things I’ve done:

Hard to Say Anything Review, Honest Apple Review, and SciTwi v.s. Twilight

Year of the Pony

Special Thanks to Millennial Dan on Deviantart, who made the Microphone vector for the logo! And Kishmond for the book vector!

Is MLP Officially the Most Meta Cartoon Yet or What?

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pianosmasher · 7 years

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Polyamory thoughts:

What I want to explore - and what I meant by making this post last week - is what would be an inescapable contradiction in the cultural consciousness. Everywhere I look, I’m seeing two polar attitudes in romantic relationships: passionate monogamists and wholehearted polyamorists.

One of the things you’ll read in the updated edition of The Ethical Slut is Easton and Hardy relishing in how commonplace the word “polyamorous” is in the queer community - to the point where its abbreviation, “poly,” actually signifies the whole word when said aloud. To give proper context to this statement, it’s worth noting that the queer lexicon is (as was once described to me) a labyrinth from which there is no escape, with words falling in and out of use and connotation on an almost daily basis. I myself am only able to keep up with the language by being connected to those within the community through this platform and others, and it’s amazing to watch things come and go. (For example: it’s been a full year since I’ve heard the word “pansexual.” Most people have allowed “bisexual” to absorb the connotations of the word, and those that identify as such often expect others to understand that they do mean all genders, and not just two at the ends of the gender binary). So the fact that a word and its abbreviation have made it out of the fringes and into the commonplace even within its own community is certainly worth celebrating. Easton and Hardy are right to mention it as significant.

And to speak further to polyamory’s legitimacy: unlike the “free love” of the sixties, which was mainly used to describe behavior after the fact, “poly” describes a set of principles, a lifestyle with definite rules and opportunities for trust among its individuals. In this way it is nearly identical to monogamy. And also like monogamy, common acceptance of the term in a cultural arena legitimizes these principles. In both polyamory and monogamy, we agree not to “cheat.” We agree to be honest. We agree to be intimate. We agree to be passionate. We agree to love so long as the expectations that go along with the labels attached to love - “lover,” “boyfriend,” “partner,” etc. - have agreed-upon meanings and rules between the two of us. In other words, if we can recognizably talk about it, we can participate in it publicly. When people ask about our behavior whenever it seems out of the ordinary, we will simply inform them that we are together, partners, dating, whatever the practice tells us will make the most sense to say.

This is all not to say that polyamory is “normal.” This is just to say that enough people know what it is to know what to expect out of polyamorous individuals without needing a separate explanation of the practice. Enough people know that it is a possible arrangement, and so it becomes an institution of sorts. It holds gravity in the form of its meaning. And to clarify, just because a pathway is available doesn’t mean it’s often taken, or even considered on equal terms - look no further than the cultural spike of interest in polygamy during the mid-2000’s as an example, and how even today it’s held in a negatively transgressive light. What this all is to say is that polyamory has become known. It is here more than it has ever been before.

And I find that fascinating.

I find it fascinating during a time when marriage equality - a monogamous institution - has been strengthened by the supreme court with nationwide power. I find it fascinating whenever I see “wholesome” cultural content (memes, etc.) about how love and support really can be true from one person to another. I find it fascinating when I remember how many dating apps are out there (Tinder, OK Cupid, Grindr, etc.) specifically with the goal of connecting one person to one other person for a romantic interaction, and that those using these apps looking for a third or a fourth are ridiculed for being outliers (though, admittedly, often this is rightfully so). I find it fascinating that, at a time when monogamy couldn’t be more permeable, powerful, and popular, polyamory has, in however small a capacity, risen into the cultural consciousness.

One would think that the idea would be shoved down in disgust, waiting its turn until monogamy could be deconstructed for its flaws on a grand public scale (again). But a good number of my friends are polyamorous, and so are a few minor celebrities I follow on social media. It’s here. Against the odds, a new identity has arrived in parallel to the strengthening of its converse. And I’ve been obsessed with that seemingly impossible thing for some time now. I can’t stop thinking about how strange that is.

For an example of what I mean: I consider a part of the gray area in between to be hookup culture. Now I’ve been to several parties in my life, and had several men and women hit on me pretty hard at these parties. But consistently it’s never been a matter of hooking up once and maybe we’ll do it again. It’s “I’m in love with you, let’s get coffee Sunday morning.” And after talking to my friends that are similarly approached, they encounter similar difficulties even when the physical aspect of the hookup does happen: emotions and expectations intervene shortly after the tryst begins, and the whole thing spectacularly derails. Hookup culture is the one being pushed around.

‘And then there are Tinder dates, which too often happen once and go nowhere. There are bars and clubs, but everyone is on their phones or with their friends. We don’t connect the way we used to. We read situations differently and we don’t talk about how until it’s too late. And if you ask me, we want structures to help ourselves understand how to interact with each other again.

And there’s monogamy, a structure with an infinitely-long history of expectations and behaviors. And there’s polyamory, an equally-thorough but barely established structure, sitting in the corner ready to answer your questions if only you’d just ask.

I know all of this is anecdotal. I know I don’t have the facts to back this up. But these are my observations, my intuitions that I cannot deny. It is what I feel is true. And I may not be alone in that.

And so I wonder what will happen, should polyamory continue to rise. With a whole new set of values and expectations opened up to our realm of possibility, who would we be? What would our problems be? Who would our lovers be? And how would we love differently, if at all? Because you could be poly and only have one partner your whole life. It’s a question of opportunity. It’s knowing you could have more if the opportunity came. What would that knowledge, resting in the back of your mind, do to how you would see your partner? What would it do to you?

If I could love the whole world, one person at a time, who would I be? In a world like that, who would you be? And who would you be to everyone else in your life? To me?

#Ross writes things #I know it's long but please read if you have the time #I'd love to hear your thoughts on this

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ibetita · 7 years

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On what's wrong with judaism in colombia

One of the most edifying experiences I got here in america was interacting, for the first time, with the modern orthodox community.

Modern orthodoxy, as per is often understood here, is almost exclusively a high/middle class american phenomenon . I doubt it could be related with the dati leumi community in Israel and their leadership is probably irrelevant outside the american bubble. And it’s understandable , considering that american socioeconomic conditions are singular, and the fact of being a prestigious minority integrated in the society helps a lot.

In america I experienced orthodoxy from another angle, even though there are still aspects of that community that in my opinion are particularly toxic. It’s, without doubts, a learned community who cares a lot about Torah study beyond rabbinic matters, finding modern orthodox laymen with gemara skills is relatively easy, and also, the so called “jewish values” just flow, there is a lot of anxiety in the orthodox community, but it’s about being or not orthodox, not about being a legitimate expression of Judaism.

Modern orthodox people is also more prone to believe in halachic authonomy . Which is in my opinion an obvious consequence of being learned in an open society. That, sadly, is something hard to replicate in the place from where I from, but the difference impress me.

I mentioned that the orthodox community in America seems to feel a huge anxiety regarding being considered orthodox or not. Pandering to the agudah, insisting in extra halachic requirements in order to “look frum”, silly chumros, intellectual dishonesty (I hardly believe in “Torah u'madda”) and a lot of minor details that I’m not gonna mention. There are a lot of issues, but at least is bearable.

Emergent Judaism in Colombia is just obnoxious. The obsession with being orthodox is promoted but without a proper guidance. There is a huge lack of Torah, and in my opinion, this problem is not assessed properly by the leadership.

But the biggest problem of Colombia is that people , maybe following their hope of being authentically frum some day, don’t know how to wait. They don’t understand that things like getting a smicha could take years and that is a big exercise of humility (I’m considering pursuing smicha in the future), they don’t understand that tittles like “rosh yeshiva” have big connotations in the orthodox world (and also outside the orthodox world) and that it requires a degree of knowledge that is hardly seen in the leadership. In certain way, they wanna replicate the leadership model they experienced when they practiced and believed in evangelical christianity, the problem is that orthodox judaism as a sociological phenomenon is more sophisticated.

I think there is a huge religious potential in Colombian emergent Judaism . We just need less pseudo titles and more torah.

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officetime02-blog · 5 years

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7 Middle School Status Symbols That Still Haunt My Dreams At 27

Peter and I have started keeping a running tally of the Canada Goose jackets we see in New York City. (When I say “running tally” I mostly mean we squawk at each other whenever we see one. Because it’s a goose!) They are easy to spot, once you know what they look like, because they are everywhere. One morning while out in the West Village, a neighborhood full of quaint facades hiding extremely expensive interiors, we counted more than 20. And it’s truly shocking to me how ubiquitous they’ve become among a certain faction of New Yorkers — I’m sure they are incredibly warm, but they are all but devoid of any kind of personality. Out in the wild, I only ever see them in black, despite being manufactured in a few different (though subdued) colors. Plus, most of the bomber jackets and parkas start around $800.

Of course, I can’t speak to the quality of this specific brand, and I do think a high-quality winter coat is a super important investment if you live somewhere cold (and can afford the splurge). But I just see so many of these coats specifically. The point of wearing a Canada Goose jacket is probably to stay warm, but it’s also undeniably to be seen with that red patch on your shoulder — to let the people know just how much you probably spent on that one coat.

I recently realized how much these coats’ popularity reminds me of the status symbols in my middle and high school. I grew up in the Northeast Atlanta suburbs in a pretty upper-middle class neighborhood. (My high school was pretty diverse, my middle school less so, and the neighborhood where I lived was mostly white.) My parents certainly did well for themselves, but they didn’t spend their money in the same ways others seemed to — we were one of the comfortable minivan families, not one of the Lincoln SUV ones. My mom has always loved shopping and clothes and certainly passed that on to me, but she never let me buy something simply because everyone else had it. I’m grateful for this now, but there were so many specific things that it seemed all the other (and usually “popular”) kids had that I was jealous of.

I’m often reminded of the often bizarre items that ended up being status symbols in my own adolescence, so thought it might be fun to take a little stroll down memory lane. (For reference, I was in middle school 2003-2006, and I graduated high school in 2010.) Here are seven specific middle school status symbols that still personally haunt me, despite the fact that I never owned most of them:

1. Tiffany heart lock necklaces.

I’m talking very specifically about the chunky chainlink ones that clasped in the front (like this one). I’m not sure which came first — the opening shot of Elle Woods fastening her Tiffany heart necklace in Legally Blonde, or the same necklace being worn on the necks of WASPy 13-year-old girls everywhere. The closest I ever got was a knockoff version from Claire’s, which is definitely for the best considering the probably dozens of jewelry items I have misplaced in the last decade and a half. Now looking back, it feels like the entire point of them was to be instantly recognizable while still boring enough to fit with pretty much any outfit. Also, they were probably an excuse to buy something with the Tiffany logo without having to shell out for a diamond. (Chanel logo earrings definitely fall into the same category.)

2. Northface fleece jackets.

Yes, in my Atlanta suburb, where we got about two and a half weeks of “winter” each year, bland-ass Northface jackets were a dime a dozen on kids from wealthier white families — most often black for boys and the powder blue color for girls. Occasionally you’d see an eggplant color or something, if the person was feeling super edgy. Kids also definitely took note if you were wearing a fleece jacket that happened to not have the Northface logo connoting a $100+ price tag. Why a bunch of well-off children in Atlanta really took to the aesthetic of an athletic wear/outdoor gear company while spending the majority of their time in air conditioning, I do not know. Northface still makes these jackets and they look almost exactly the same, which probably says something both about the timelessness of good sportswear and just how obsessed with blending in teenagers can be.

3. Birkenstocks.

This one became particularly hilarious to me after I left for college in Vermont and found out the William H. Macy caricature of a Vermonter from Thank You For Smoking was quite based in reality. Again, why a bunch of suburban kids in Georgia grabbed onto a brand synonymous with granola outdoorsy-ness, I’m not sure. I actually did convince my parents I needed a pair of these and got some chocolate-brown mules for Christmas one year. They were invariably comfortable, and I wore the crap out of them for several years — at which point they really started looking like crap.

4. Polos with an Abercrombie & Fitch moose or a Hollister seagull.

Now here’s where you could inject a bit of personality: into the color of your polo shirt! I’m thinking specifically 2005-2006. Some kids would even double-layer their polo shirts and pop the collars up. The Abercrombie and Hollister brands were the lowest price tier to be deemed acceptable in certain circles. I never even loved polo shirts, but I’m sure I asked for one of these at some point. I definitely would not have bothered trying to acquire a logo-less polo shirt, because what on earth would even be the point?

5. Polos with the actual Ralph Lauren polo horse.

Everyone seemed to notice the kids who took it a step further and wore “legitimate” polo shirts — another bland, unchanging institution of a wardrobe item that can easily cost you $80-100. Lacoste alligators were a dime a dozen, too. Maybe a lot of the kids I knew actually shopped at outlet malls, and I just never knew about it?

6. Multicolor print Dooney & Burke purses.

As with the Canada Goose jackets that have virtually taken over Manhattan, you’ll probably note that all of the items on this list up to this point are a little on the neutral/purposely inoffensive side. Not these purses, bitch! They came in all kinds of cartoonishly colorful patterns that I think back on fondly the way one might think of a Lisa Frank trapper keeper — like yeah that was fun but also, yikes! (I think I’m specifically thinking of the cartoon heart pattern, which I absolutely lusted after and, sadly, never obtained.) Granted, they made sure you still knew exactly who made each bag, either with a full-on repeated-logo print (ripping off the even-more-expensive Louis Vuitton print, I’ve always assumed?) or a decent-sized “Dooney & Bourke” metal plaque.

7. Velour Juicy Couture tracksuits.

I actually did get one of these! My mom and I found it at the Saks outlet for like 70% off. It was dark purple and had an angel, and also the word “angel,” embroidered and bedazzled on the back. It was extremely comfortable and I wore it constantly. But I also can’t deny that, like every other girl in my school who had one, its biggest draw was that everyone seeing you wearing it would know exactly what brand it was. These were particularly popular among the girls I danced with, as the “sportswear” aspect made more sense for us. Though I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to wearing this ensemble to school, like, at least once a week.

*****

This was trip down ~memory lane~, but I’ve realized just how big a part conspicuous consumption plays in our society and social lives — and just how early it starts. Of course, if you really want to buy yourself a Canada Goose jacket, by all means, do so. I just hope we all — myself included — realize what (and who) influences the personal spending decisions we make at every point in our lives.

Holly is the Executive Editor of TheFinancialDiet.com. Follow her on Twitter here, or send her your ideas at [email protected]!

Image via IMDB

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Source: https://thefinancialdiet.com/7-middle-school-status-symbols-that-still-haunt-my-dreams-at-27/

#read more #see more #check it out #interesting #learn more

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