#like sometimes i think ive forgiven him and then i remember that he triggered so much of my mental health issues lolllll | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hearts4juzi · 4 months

Note

can you pass the golden duo headcanons i think you would have good ones

🤲🤲🤲my hands are open ready to catch them

RUBS MY FUCKING HANDS TOGETHER IVE BEEN THINKING ABT THEM SM UVE COME AT THE RIGHT TIME

echolalia. i already said that but. ECHOLALIA. shit gets tossed around. funny words youd find in a dr seuss book.

holding hands, leaning on each other, and lots of hugs!!!! best friends 2 me :(

cassidy wasnt super nice to him when they were alive and she regrets it a lot because of how things turned out and shes super defensive of him now

that being said, she never bullied him and was actively rude to anyone who did. she didnt particularly like him but she wasnt gonna stand for the harassment. if shed known about his party, she couldve saved him and i think she thinks about that a lot

i think eventually she apologized formally and he assured her it was fine and that he forgave her. because she of all people deserved it

he listens to her vent her frustrations. sometimes she reminds him of michael with how angry she is, but he knows how to calm her down and he always remembers shes nothing like michael was

he keeps her company in ucn when being around everyone is too much. hes forgiven them but sometimes things are hard still. sometimes he cant be around them. and she really needs company too. he knows she wont come to him, so he goes to her.

he doesnt like the gore or blood so cassidy will talk to him when theyre stuffing nightguards

hes still scared of animatronics so none of the kids greet him as animatronics. they care about him sosoososo much

evan would do fucking anything for cassidy. anything.

she knows his anxiety triggers pretty well by this point and she knows how to distract him. and vice versa.

casisdy doesnt panic as much as she gets over emotional and freaks out. does that make sense? she has more anger than fear and it fucks her up and hes always there when she gets tired of it.

he does her hair because he died before he could ever do his own. he wishes hed grown out his hair before he died

she encourages any behaviors he hid because of michael. she encourages anything that goes against michael.

shes a terribly influence on evan but its because she lvoes him and thinks he deserved better. he thinks she has enough anger for the both of them. she knows hes right and she hates it because HE deserves this anger.

they fight a lot but its never like cassidy and charlie. if cassidy fought with evan like she fought with charlie itd ruin both of them.

if theyd lived they probably wouldve run away together and been roomates

they like to joke that theyre soulmates (platonically) in both a figurative and literal sense. get it? because their souls are connected in golden freddy? they are my world

when they first meet in GF its tense. they end up caring about each other but theres lots to figure out and understand. she cant yell too loud at him because it reminds him of his dad, she cant play certain pranks on him like she might with her friends because it reminds him of michael.

she learns when to be loud and open with him and when she has to be gentle. he gets used to her shenanigans but sometimes things are too much

shes jokingly mean to her friends but not as much to evan because he doesnt always get its a joke

shed have loved to do his makeup and his nails. if theyd lived and moved out together the first thing they wouldve done is dye their hair and paint their nails and do their makeup and buy clothes they KNOW their parents would hate.

thats all i have in my brain rn they make me sad

#tzu rambles #tzu asks #headcanons

20 notes · View notes

gabessquishytum · 3 years

Text

Someone teach me how to lucid dream, I promise it's not so I can shift to Hogwarts

#i had another dream about **** last night. he was married to some woman and we can into eachother #he showed me this crappy lizard clay model he made and stuck over the door of his house?#and we had dinner with a bunch of people and in the dream i was jealous of his wife but she seemed really detached from the whole thing #woke up feeling anxious #i hate having dreams about him. theyre always happy and its like im trying to get with him #in real life if i saw him id run away #like sometimes i think ive forgiven him and then i remember that he triggered so much of my mental health issues lolllll

1 note · View note

goblinmanifesto · 3 years

Text

Ive already accidentally deleted this once so fucking kill me (I forgot to save it).

⚠️TW FOR ANXIETY, TOURETTES, SLIGHT SELF HARM⚠️

But this is my post for @doinmybesthere Mental Health Awareness May collab! I will be doing Bokuto Koutarou. To explain a bit, to cope with bullshit that is life, I accidentally made myself a coping mechanism that I loving refer to as the ‘Klaus Hargreeves‘ (if you know anything about that character, you already know where my mental state is) because I can’t remember what my therapist said the actual name for it was. To put it simply, it’s like overactive day dreaming. I act out and create scenarios in my head to comfort myself, most of the time using characters or real people as an enabler for the comfort I wish to gain. Side effects being; if caught, considered crazy, sometimes don’t realize I’m doing it which can lead to awkward situations, sometimes I fuck up what’s real and what’s not. So, in these little stories, I will be retelling scenarios I have created through this coping mechanism that relate to both Bokuto and my mental problems! Each will be labeled with what they deal with so you can skip the one that might trigger you. Enjoy and happy reading! (I WILL ALSO BE MENTIONING AND USING STIMMING) ((I will probably use this to make other fics like this in the future mentioning my other ~stuff~ but in the meantime this is all I want to do so enjoy!))

⚠️LAST TW⚠️

1. ~Anxiety, Self harm, Mentions of Stimming~ He should’ve been home an hour ago! I was pacing in the living room, shaking hands holding my phone. It was 7:13 and Koutarou was supposed to be home at 6:00. I was spiraling and I could feel it, but I didn't know what to do about it. Id sent him text after text, but he was yet to respond. I glanced at my cell, only stopping my frantic shuffling to focus my attention on reading the screen;

Hey, is practice running late? [6:11] When do you think you’ll be home? [6:15] Are you there? [6:19] Koutarou??????? [6:23] Kou pick up your damn phone! [6:27] Did something happen???!! [6:34] Is everything okay?! [6:39] Are you mad or something??? [6:47] Bokuto Koutarou I’m dead serious where are you?!?!?! [6:53] Bo-ku-to!!!! [6:59] Koutarou it’s been hour please text me [7:07] Koutarou!!! [7:12] -Unread-

My eyes scanned the messages again, not leaving the blue screen until until my shin collided with the side of the coffee table. I hadn’t even realized I had started pacing again. I checked the texts I had sent to Akaashi as well, since I knew he was at that practice too, but I hadn’t gotten any responses from him either. Slipping my phone screen up onto the table I continued my pacing, not even processing when my finger nails found their way under my teeth, and how when they left my mouth to scratch at my neck or claw at my shirt, my teeth resorted to gnawing at my lip instead, tearing up the thin skin. All habits I was trying to kill but didn’t have enough brain power to focus on not doing them. My eyes constantly searched the driveway for the headlights of any car, any car at all, but they always came up with nothing. It was 7:24 when my phone struck with the sound of text, the bing of anticipation sent me diving for, and consequently almost dropping, my phone in an attempt to find out if it was Koutarou. It was!

-Read-

Im so sorry!! Yes practice did end up running late! But something else happened and I

wasn’t able to text you! I’m not mad about

anything I promise!! What happened is also

minor and nothing to worry about and I’ll explain when I get home in about ten

[7:21] minutes!! I’m so sorry!! -Read-

I sighed, relieved, the weight on my chest and in my head dissolved and I felt like I could finally breathe again. Though, as I came down from my anxiety rush, I became aware of a lot of things all at once. The first was a good deal of pain. From knocking my leg into a table and pacing for over an hour, to bitten lips and nails, and my scraped neck. I groaned, I need to get a better handle on this.

But that wasnt important. Koutarou was okay and on his way home! I waited at the window, feeling a bit like a dog waiting on its owner (that was a kink joke yes), and leaped to the front door when I saw his car in the driveway. Throwing open the door, I pulled him inside the second I could get my hands on him and pulled him through the doorway. The moment he was inside, I shoved myself into his arms in a tight hug, so glad he was okay. He returned the hug and held me tightly, I let out a shuddering breathe and he let out comforting sounds I sometimes use to stim. “Hey, hey, hey, I’m so sorry to have you worry, it was about Akaashi! We were running extra practice with a handful of the other guys and I literally had half a text to you written out when he a spike to the face! I was the only one left with a car so I drove him to hospital! I’m so sorry you are so worried you sent like 15 texts! I’m so-“ I cut him short with a hand over his mouth since that was one of the only ways to get him to stop talking. “Kou, it’s okay, I understand, it just really scared me ‘is all-“ he pried my hand off his face but held it in his own.

”I know, but that doesn’t mean I can’t apologize for it, whether I was in complete control of the situation or not! Which I was not, by the way, no control what-so-fucking-ever, I had four other guys in the car and one of them was bleeding and concussed, it was chaos!!” His eyes were wide and he went off on the stress of the situation and, for a moment, I forgot that it was 7:26 at night on a Thursday and I had a biology test in the morning, and that Koutarou just got home and I hadn’t even eaten yet and all the other things that werent right in the world. Everything was fine in that moment. But that ended when Koutarou took a good hard look at me. The redness and scratch marks on my neck, the bitten to bleeding finger nails, the small bruise forming on my shin, my blotchy face and my probably-way-too-red lips. He stopped dead in his words and I felt my eyebrows scrunch up.

“Whats wrong?-“

“You did the things again didn’t you?!” He sounded distressed and his broad shoulders sunk. Koutarous hands rubbed my shoulders as he stared into my eyes with the most concerned look I’d ever seen. He pulled me back to his chest again and promised it wouldn’t happen again.

7:46, Koutarou insisted on taking care of my ‘injuries’ since he was who I was having anxiety over anyway. I protested a little, but gave up when he gave me the baby-owl eyes.

First, he had wrapped bandaids on my fingers. Thankfully, they were black, and I made a comment on it was like a 2-second manicure just to hear him chuckle.

Then, Kou applied a moisturizer to my neck. “Kou, I can do this myself-“

”Nope! I insist!”

”I’m not a child-“

”Don’t care, I’m doing it so just shush up and let me do what I need to do!”

Next, he made me apply ice to my bruise even though it was tiny and caused by a damn two-foot-tall coffee table.

Lastly, he gave me chapstick. Again, wouldn’t let me do it myself, so I made several sarcastic remarks to make him blush, all working quite well. Koutarou had to tell me to stop giggling multiple times so I could stay still.

”Alright, are you done playing nurse?”

”Forgive me for wanting to take care of you!!” He stuck his tongue out at me with an audible “bleh!” and I cackled.

”You are forgiven, Nurse Bokuto.”

2. ~Tourette’s, Stimming~ My neck painfully popped when it jerked to the left, my tics had been bad all day and I no clue why. Could be exams, or the fucking toaster for all I knew. I hissed, rubbing at my neck and adjusting the water can I almost dropped, trying to continue about my Saturday.

It was obnoxious, really, having to me-proof everything around in case I end up kicking it, dropping it, or hitting it. My joints constantly cracking and snapping and jolting in the strangest ways at any given moment. Sometimes repeating what people say back at them in perfect mirror-like fashion. Though that last one can be kind of funny.

Clicking my toungue to make nice noises to try and stim the tic away, I returned back to my plants. I could feel them chuckling at me and, in that moment, I understood everything about Crowley from ‘Good Omens’.

I heard the door unlock in the other room and I put my can down as a precaution and peeked out of the doorway.

A moment later, Koutarou popped through the door after his morning jog. He called out; “Hey, hey, hey!” as a greeting.

I felt my hands go up behind my head and I thought Oh gods dammit, and then my jaw jutted forward in a very unattractive way and I repeated his phrase in the same manner as him, then immediately dropped, as my body decreed.

I groaned, looking up at him, who looked slightly bewildered at my little madness ritual. His hair laid flat on his head, he had chosen not to mess with it this morning, much to my delight, his amber eyes a little wide and his eyebrows raised. He was barely even in the house yet.

We just kind of stared at each other for a hot second before I awkwardly waved ‘hello’ and cracked a weird grin. He grinned back, his more pleasant than mine. Walking over, he opened his arms for a hug, and I accepted, since he wasn’t all that sweaty this time around, and it was the least I could do since he had to witness that.

Koutarou planted a kiss on the top of my head, cheering “Good morning!”

I muttered a response into his shirt.

“One of those days, huh?” I nodded.

“Coffee? I think we have muffins in the cabinet?” I nodded again and he lead me into the kitchen to set up some breakfast. It was 9:00 am on a Saturday after all. A weird Saturday, but watching Koutarou finagle through the cabinets, it couldn’t be that bad.

That is all for now! Have a wonderful day and I am going to sleep for three years see y’all (edited: June 18 2021, because I can’t spell)

11 notes · View notes

ofthemuses · 5 years

Text

Area 11 Sentence Meme; from all their released albums

All the Lights In The Sky (2013)

i. vectors

One day I will find you I saw that you were lonely too You reached out and you took me I repressed that time Everything that I forgot, I see it clearly can’t you see that you’re losing your mind A shot to the head leaves it all behind I’ll tear you apart Reach out your hands to catch me reach out your hands and you tear me apart But we are simply killing time I wish I’d see inside your mind I wish I’d seen inside you Almost the same, but not enough Never forgiven, but still in love

ii. euhpemia

Memories of fallen dreams and all those that have died. Demons are possessing me. I feel my hate take flight. I'm choking on my own words and I'm scared of backing down the hope within us all is up in flames Twisted by my warring conscience. The situation's pushing onwards. This can't be, was this me? I think I've lost control. I caused this, I forced this, Can I continue on? I caused this, I forced this, I caused this! Betrayed by trust, forever left to scream. Oh hold me closely and die in my arms, then take this secret with you. I became your puppet master This could fuel The Revolution! This could be my last solution! And all good victories come with a price. Just take my secret with you.

iii. knightmare / frame

What is life but a burden for me? All this anger, burning inside but buried deep One step forward and two to the side, every single time I fall asleep and I feel I'm falling Nightmare comes without warning I can't seem to sleep In my dreams I feel I'm running towards her/his shining light She/he shines for me Just like glass I saw right through Something I couldn't see until I changed my point of view I cannot let you go inside of me, the will to change the world Can a mask be the face of reason? You will answer, to the pieces left behind Well I watched her/him die in your arms Freed but they'll never understand

iv. tokyo house party

I know that this will never work out So it shouldn't even start Cause I'm just a kid at heart And you know that it's such a waste Cause I hate that bitter taste and your bittersweet embrace I feel this has gone to my head I'll never drink again But fuck it, I don't care I don't know what you came here for This is where we are from (The town where nothing goes on) Waiting for our own special moment to die I got lost to find myself I wanna be with you tonight Cause everything's gone; it's been wiped out I feel a change in the pace I know I should run and I should fight But the look in your eyes: I could die here tonight Fear of failure, we're moving so slow

v. shi no barado

I saw your face in the LED's It's something that I can never repay, but I will try anyway. I sent a message I know you'd see Now fate led you down a path to me You're all I ever wanted you can use me, you can kill me My body will be a fortress I will keep you safe from pain My losses are your gains Together we can burn this to the ground, rebuild it into something right I'm not afraid and I'm not alone because you're with me in my dreams I won't give up on this perfect love

vi. cassandra pt. 2

Although it doesn't really matter now You use me, and I use you I'm your savior, you're my muse The best friend that you been to me but I wanna be your enemy You want a reaction You wear a red dress when you're in a bullfight You're drawing attention to your double life In dreams, I'm coming to find you and when I wake I want anyone else. 'Cause I don't love you, It's what I'm telling myself I’m hiding from you, ‘cause we are the same Wait, just wait for me and I'll come around My best friend that I've never seen That's turned you into my enemy No, it's all in my mind I feel I should save myself before this gets too real

vii. the strays

I'd still cheer for you ten years down the line Time stepped away from me Stray from this boring dream What must it be like with your world alight? How could I stay here and rust when I'm set to explode? You can outrun everything but the debts that you owe I'm numb from the distance If it's just the bored asking this kind of thing, where do we fit in? Take what you want from it We're the last ones left Get the others and cut to the next Scene To be truly free Freedom comes not from, but through me Do you remember when the stars were much higher? You would try to count them all But you grew tired - tired - tired

viii. dreams & reality

Dreams... are realities. You mean so much to me I can't forget the way, the choice that we made that day. Is it worth the risk that we take? Waiting and hoping from the side-lines But this is our moment, it's our chance to shine. 'Cause this feels better than the best thing 'Cause we are stronger than anything We've grown from all the things we've been through, And they couldn't break us if they wanted to. Your smile is brighter than the lights in the skies wont you tell me what is real? Lets write our names in history, Let's make these dreams reality,

ix. heaven-piercing giga drill

you came and dug me up into a world full of violence. So many faces, so many trials. They won't stop our evolution. Who do you think we are? Fight against your execution. Trust me and we'll fly, not fall. Tip the balance to risk it all. Together we can go so far. All the lights in the sky are stars. It follows everywhere I go. It carries the hope of humanity, and everything we know. Believe in me, who believes in you.

x. bōsōzoku symphonic

There's three parts to love, or so I believe. There's a part of you you lose, and another you receive. Here I break with the concept, though it's central to the piece. Leave my mark on the canvas, that only you can see. I deferred my happiness, for loneliness and time. But once I'm where I wanna be, you'll be far behind. And the chains that pull me down, slacken off when you're around. And it's comforting to know I'll rip out all the hooks from my skin so I can grow. Sometimes I disagreed, just to hear you scream. You were right, but I needed you to give emotion back to me. I'm not leaving you, I'm not leaving you!

Underline (2014)

i. are you listening?

All aboard this sinking ship No business here it's just relationships Should this mean more to me? Just join the tribe and feel accepted But cool don't come for free The rope that pulled me from the pit now hangs around my neck Is this the clue you wanted? Too cryptic for the rest Play the part of the victim if it puts your mind at ease Put all the blame on me So what you feel, is it nostalgia or love? Tell me now, are you really listening? When everybody tells you to stop, and that you’re never good enough; tell me now, are you really listening? Reach out for help, and she lets you down So gild your pockets, we'll watch you drown Cause this means more to me It's hard when all I see Now we take control We fade into hindsight Can this be realized?

ii. in the blind

I redesign, I realign. I redefine, and yet resign. My only hope: to feel. And when I phased out the "privileged" and the "purpose" I realized that art can never true be separated That should define who I will never be. Sorry. Cause this is the new way Still spinning cycles in my mind Hold me back and keep me down! Drop the weights, accept my fate, and trigger the explosion. Now keep the faith as illusions break and we'll show you something real. And when I reach out into event horizons will there be light and sound, or will it be just me?

iii. override (a)

Willing and wishing to break This won't be over so soon You'll claw yourself out of the womb Are you willing to die? To be born in the spotlight? I won't let you drown Are you willing to die? To be something? We patiently wait your return Rejecting your pitiful life You'll crawl on your hands and your knees You'll feast on the fear you receive And here in the alter you'll give your life for a reason to live Are you ready to die? Are you ready to die? To be more than they say you are? You'll be a mistake The child of the void and the ghost in the tape Can the ego you've sculpted endure the escape? I am willing tonight. I am willing to die to be something; trigger the override

Modern Synthesis (2016)

i. override [C]

Lay the new foundations; reprise Strange are the things that will come around Return to the question, I'm willing to die If this is real and this is anticipation Know it in your mind, hear it once and now you bear the load Are you ready for life? Make a stand in afterglow

ii. the contract

You’ve spent a lifetime locked in the same mindset You break the contract, and smile away your debt I play for closure, through the fear and the thrill of the fight Move a little bit closer, ‘cause you’re in for a jagged night I close my eyes; a toxic calling Just let it resonate, we call it suffering We know just who to trust this time I want you to give me what I need Lay waste to your beliefs, rebuild yourself for me I want you to come alive again I feign obsession, and abbreviate my views You're my possession, until I'm done with you I want you to feel as I feel I want you; submit yourself to me Your body and your mind; give it willingly Just sign the contract

iii. watchmaker

Serve or break the patterns that would be Middle child of eternity The creeping vines of anomie I never wanted to believe I never asked if I could stay Switch the pressures you relieve Sketching parallels to understand why I can't share your love I’m only building what I meant to do so many lives ago

iv. versus

I dream of it; am I a psycho? Watching you burn nothing else feels this perfect to me “Hands in the air”; salute or surrender? We adapt, mutilate, replicate and survive But choose a side The truth, the war; the rise, the fall The virus in our heads that infects us all Do you need it once more? Can you remember what it is we’re dying for? (Fighting for?) Little soldier, little girl/boy who used to love this fucking world To love, to despise: such a fine line The hardest strikes always land when hands are tied The virus in our heads infects, manipulates our thoughts

v. processor

I took a chance to fly I want no role in your altercation I feel panic arise as rhetoric voices are feeding back again Blocking out vitriolic accusations: Was I listening? Because I want to be better on the inside I want to be better on the outside I fall asleep in the vestige I once called my home I pray for you, abide with the hopeless Regretting the choice but I can't turn away The modern synthesis compels me to start again I will have my way, I told you, I told you, I told you As I dispersonalise I taste a real life far from the pacifist you believe I exemplify I am the fury, I am hypocrisy The day I take control. The day you'll believe in me The path back home, the path I'll show you The path back home, where you'll wait for me, wait for me

vi. red queen

I said I don't mind, but you've touched a nerve The way you frame it, well, I got all I deserved Breathe deep and comfort the disturbed In the cave you fear what would you find? We played our hands together You lose me in your blood chemistry So we'd better try to match her/his speed Toast to the red queen/king and all she has seen Is it time to drink at your table? We can only wait and watch for so long Where you fall is not where you belong Unify behind false enemies Down other lines we would have been the same Beauty fades but still my charm deceives This night is shared and so we use each other ‘cause misery loves company And so it goes again A wasted day to vie for my affection Soon you'll come undone Can't fake a smile so they draw it on

vii. angel lust

how far did you deviate? The bridge collapsed but you took the stone From the ash an altar raised, you rebuilt your home And cynics they will try to tempt and change our minds We'll keep our faith alive, we'll raise our voices And scream it from our hearts: God loves her/his children we wait to receive a sign and the scraps of truth of what we believe The passion, the pain, our bodies ache, we cry your name

viii. the life of a ghost

Living the life of a ghost, there is no comfort for the mind Some sights we've tried to leave behind Always looking backwards down the road I will retain composure Lost in thoughts of where I am Stay 'til dawn, begin anew? With all honesty I want to be selfless To be human, but I'm beat and I'm worn-though I'm lost tonight I'm an ember, will you take my story? Pull back the curtain and walk towards the truth There is no comfort for the mind

ix. after the flags

Come on son do your country proud! Lead us down to the ocean and wash our hands of campaigns for the self-assured now Fading white in surrender and weary from the beating sun that blinds you Take a hit for catharsis Take a hit for them all After the flags they're selling off the wall I wanna die for a reason I wanna kill for a cause The fall won't kill but it's gonna hurt do you watch just to wince at this? we have been misled Straighten out your fiction As means to ends and ends to meaning guide you After the flags I'm nobody at all If I could reach you with reason You set us up for a fall After the flags you're nobody at all

x. nebula

This is my suffering, stuttering the words As all I can see is you Hey there you lost boy/girl, just look at what they've done to you They've poisoned the well of your mind but you'll make it through I'm falling to the call of you To love just an action, we overplay and overdo But now, there's no one beside me They've fallen behind

xi. panacea and the prelogue

Wait inside we'll talk a while I didn't mean to let the years go by Have we come to terms with the lesson that our fathers learned? Everything goes away I'd follow you, but not this time I'm sorry that I let you down, let you down, a lifetime ago I wanna say to all I leave behind, and to those I'll never find. That I need you to understand, understand, you're not on your own. What you value, is it worth the time? The only melodies that I could ever call mine were friendship and lust Will I feel absolved at the moment when we have it solved? Still it's never enough Lines fade out, but you illuminate the path back home, the path you've shown me

all your friends / new magiks / everybody gets a piece (2018)

i. all your friends

Habits tend to crystallize Did you waste it in the dark? Why were you sure it was real? you let all your friends tell you how to feel The archetypes; the ideal will soon embrace you when you let yourself heal Who are we to cauterise bleeding hearts that synchronise? Did he/she waste you in the dark? Choose your friends just to canonize you, as you let them fantasize

ii. new magiks

I'm watching the mirror crack to face my addiction This all feels a little strange, (A life fearing fiction) I better step outside It's all fine, from the shoreline The weight crushing down my heart, you don't want it, you don't wanna know A head full of dying stars, the shoulders that bear the load The wave crashes down on my heart You don't wanna know My mind's a rogue nation Just look how we weaponise carnal accusation It's all fine, a drop in the skyline Make it hurt Percolate emotion Boys/Girls lost to the ocean drown You were the bright newcomer I fucked you up that summer I didn't know, you let me know my mind is loaded

iii. everybody gets a piece

In time you'll grow, I fucking hope I'm outside looking in at all the time we're putting in Think I know what it means I won't say the right things just to open doors Don't waste your time in the studio I've been told to beg, steal and borrow I'm told it's not the way to go Nobody listens to the radio Everybody gets a piece Did you honestly say it might have been me? But all this while did you think of me, you know All this while, we were pure potential energy, dreaming Don't ask, you'll never get You never asked so you never got nothing Did you get all you wanted from me? You don't ask so you'll never receive Can't lose when you're playing for free

#sentence meme #long post #area 11 #inbox meme #roleplay meme #ask meme #askbox meme

18 notes · View notes

barbiecookies · 6 years

Text

I be telling myself my next relationship imma be faithful and I truly feel like its gonna be a struggle for me. Like, as soon as I see my boyfriend or whomever following or liking other females pictures it makes me feel insecure and I automatically am just like "Let's just do our own thing and not have a title."

Like, idk. I feel like having a title is so complicated and its nothing to lie and make it seem like youre being honest when you're not.

Having boundaries is great but sometimes regular reassurance is needed. Like, i want to have a boyfriend but also still have freedom to not necessarily be with other men but just not feel constrained by one.

Lol. I feel like i dont make a lick of sense. I think my biggest fear is finally falling madly in love with someone again, after not being in love since I was 21, and them disappointing me as much as my sons dad did.

That's literally one of the worst emotional feelings ever. Finding out someone you have deep feelings for and trust deceive and disappoint you. It takes a long time to come back from that, and when you think you're over it little triggers will remind you that you're not.

Even though I no longer speak on what I experienced in my relationship with my sons dad and ive forgiven him, I definitely still have a lot of insecurities from the emotional trauma I went through.

Like, just thinking about the shit he's done over 6 years ago to this day still mentally exhausts me. I havent even spoken on it on here and probably wont. I wrote a list ages ago of all the shit hes done that I could remember. I know there's A LOT ive blocked out of my memory for my own mental self preservation.

Sometimes I fear i'll never find mutual love ever again and will be perpetually single the rest of my life 😂😂😂 but I still kinda keep hope alive cause I'm in love with the idea of being in love. So like, one day it'll happen for me.

I've been trying so hard for over a year to heal. Ive come such a long way from where I was this time last year, but I definitely still have a long way to go.

#bottom line i have fucking issues #and i need to stay single a bit longer or just go really slow with whomever i connect with eventually

5 notes · View notes

arachnexdragoon · 7 years

Note

☁ five times my muse has thought about yours, and the one time they do something about it.

send me a symbol for…

“It��s not working, Lady A!”

Damn – what was it again? The last timeAranea and Dave found a necromancer, he had known right away the weakness. Itwasn’t lightning energy, that much she was sure – but which one worked? Gosh,she missed the head hunter in times like these. He was a friggin’ daemon encyclopedia.

“Try fire energy!” she yelled back, andWedge nodded before using it… Only for it to have next to zero effect. Sighing,the dragoon realize they were going to need to go old school on that bastard,because she had no ice energy and by exclusion it was the solely thing thatcould wo-

“Captain, look ou-“

A shove to the side and Aranea fell to theground, rolling over and avoiding the petrification beam. Wedge, however, wasn’tso fortunate – and he turned into stone, his face the picture of urgency andworry for his commanding officer. Aranea groaned, cursed her luck and got toher feet – she would fight this ugly bastard herself then.

II.

It was a desolating scenario – hungry andhopeless people, some of them so weak and frail that getting them to trust thathelp had finally arrived was nothing short of a miracle. She was comfortablyprotected by the snow in her warm clothes, face hiding behind a crimson scarfto ward off the biting wind – but still, work to be done. They needed to movethem into the carriers as quickly as they could because they were sitting ducksotherwise.

A small child was by herself, crying; sheseemed to have no relatives, and Aranea frightened her with the magitek lance.The ex-commodore had tried it all – smiles, soft words, dropping the weaponaltogether, even making silly faces at the small kid… But nothing. She steppedaway from Aranea every time, and apparently no one felt well enough to help.

She was at a loss at what to do. Dave,though… Dave would know how to get that girl in his arms in seconds. He’d knowthe right words, do his magic and have the child laughing and safe. Well, howone couldn’t feel safe with the head hunter protecting you from everything?

Sighing, the ex-commodore dropped the lanceand opted for dirty tactics – she jumped into the air, landed near thescreaming girl and threw her over the shoulder, marching back to the ship withthe girl and ignoring her squealing.

III.

“You guys suck so, so hard.”

Aranea and a couple of young recruits wereby the Taelpar Rest Area; the local tipster had called and she had volunteeredto go, dragging along three new and fresh boys. Two of them refugees fromTenebrae, one of them used to be a farmer near Old Lestallum. They were allshowing some promise, but they still needed to be put to the test.

So when the flan infestation happened, theytravelled south to take care of it. Battle had been swift and good, despite thefact that one of the guys got his foot stuck into the jelly-like creature andthe way he screamed had been less than dignified; but Aranea took care of itand they returned to the outpost safely, and were now playing a game of darts.

Only everyone sucked and she had nocompetition – well, either that or they were too afraid of putting up a decentchallenge for the famed ex-imperial commodore. Throwing her arms into the air,she shook her head when one of the guys protested, saying that there was areason none of them had elected to be archers.

“Well, I use a damn spear and I have someaim. Y’all just lazy,” she said with a grin, suddenly missing Dave. Well, therewas a guy who had never held back on the field or anywhere else, really… Exceptmaybe on the flirting game. That one was entirely on Aranea’s hands… And itlooked like she was winning.

IV.

“This place used to be so nice,” Araneacommented, earning twin ‘aye!’ exclamations from her men. Chuckling, theymerely stared into the eternal dark ahead – before, when starlight and the moonallowed for it, they could see all of the Alstor Slough and the lake, and itmade for a very beautiful landscape when camping at that haven.

The radio was on, just a couple of feetbehind them. The three Niff-born mercenaries turned army officers turnedunofficial hunters had been sharing some beer and talking when the radio wentsilent from the usual chatter, making Biggs frown and reach for the settings,working on them. And somehow, they found a station which wasn’t broadcastingdaemon updates – but music.

Actual music.

“Haven’t listened to that in ages…” Wedgecommented, turning his head around, “You remember this one, Lady A? Hunters andfolk used to sing it back in the day.”

“Yeah…” A song about resting when the workwas finally done… She didn’t know it had been ever recorded, let alone playedin the radio. Maybe this is why it was on right now – a hymn to unify andmotivate all people across Eos, regardless of wherever they were. But sheremembered the night Dave picked up his guitar and played that melody while shesung along to it.

“You think Dave is listening to this?”

A smile appeared on her lips before Araneaactually looked at Biggs to answer him. “I hope so, honey.”

It was getting harder and harder to keep intouch, in a sense. Dave was everywhere – his face was the one people knew andtrusted; he needed to go to places and running HQ fell to Kaleb and hisdaughter, sometimes other trusted folk. Aranea missed being out in the fieldwith him – for someone who had been a solo fighter in most of the instances,she had adapted wonderfully to his strong presence and his keen knife work.

But she couldn’t very well ask for hiscompanionship because she felt lonely – and she wasn’t even sure that was theword for what she felt. It was just… Weird. Returning to what she had beenbefore. Dave had been a partner where she had never one – she had either beenabove or below the others, giving or obeying others. Never an equal. And shefucking missed all that.

Aranea grabbed her phone – more than acompanion in the darkness, to fight off daemons, she missed him. His lowlaughter, his worried glances, the touch of his calloused hands on her skin…They had been brief and all too professional, but damn him. He respected thewoman too much to make any advances and limited himself to being the most chivalrouspartner ever, even when she made it crystal clear that he was welcomed to crossthe lines.

Well. There was a daughter, there was ahunter group, there was a fucking continent for him to organize. She understoodit all – so she dropped her phone before texting him and having him using hisphone battery for that. It wasn’t urgent anyway.

VI.

The look of surprise on Dave’s face couldprobably be attributed to the fact that he had found Aranea on his couch, bootskicked off and a book on her lap – meaning she had been there for some time –while he had just stepped outside of the bathroom in nothing but a towelwrapped around his waist. Aranea knew his surprise was justified – he probablythought himself to be alone.

But the front door was open, so…

“Well. Maybe I should have knocked?” sheinquired with a smile, but the way her gaze ran over his body was shameless andappreciative; these tattoos – she had only seen the suggestion of some of them.It was damn nice to have a full picture.

“Personal boundaries not a strong point yet?”he asked, but he had a small smile on his face and he appeared to have forgivenher trespassing. She just grinned back, watching as he toweled off his hair,and then made a motion of his hand to ask her for a minute – but as soon as heturned around to make for the room (probably to get dressed), Aranea moved fromthe couch and soundlessly approached him from behind, hugging him.

“Wait.”

“Aranea…?” his voice was different. A bitshaky and his body tensed under her grasp. Her mind was calculating the odds ofsuccess there, whether she had interpreted things correctly or not but… Oh fuckthat. Aranea had never been a strategist, she didn’t plan things ahead. Shejust had the guts to after what she wanted.

And that thing happened to be DaveAuburnbrie.

“I miss you,” she breathed into his back,feeling him shiver and his hands slowly making for hers, but if he wanted todisentangle himself from his arms or not remained to be seen, “I have beenthinking about you a lot. And I miss a lot of things.” His voice, his guitarplaying, his accent, the way he looked at her whenever she jumped into the sky,his gentleness with the refugees…

“I’m here, darlin’,” he replied, and whenhis hand settled over hers, they didn’t try to push her arms away. He gave hera gentle squeeze, and he turned around gently, using his thumb to bring herface up – and Aranea’s eyes were unclouded and clear, almost unnaturally so. Nowinks, no mischievous twinkle, no nothing.

“Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I’m saying now,” she smiled, and her handsmoved from his hips to his neck; Dave appeared surprised at her actions, butnot displeased; if anything, he pulled her a bit closer and she felt something increasing– tension; and her own heartbeat. “You were always too busy and doingtoo many things. It wasn’t right to interrupt.”

“Aranea, one of the reasons I was too busyand doin’ too many things… Is because I was trying to get y’all off my mind,”he said with such unguarded simplicity that Aranea almost had to ask for aconfirmation – what? When? She had dropped so many hints and clues, how couldhe…?

“I’m not one of them younglins, honey. Youcould have anyone so I just thought you were…”

“Oh, shut up Dave,” she laughed and movedforwarded, finally stealing the kiss she had hungered for so much. And that meretouch triggered it all – suddenly they were walking backwards, with Araneafalling into the couch and the hunter on top of her, their hands no longerprudish.

“Gladly.”

#Dave #meldaciomartyr #five times #meme #one that's not ridiculously long!#or nsfw!#or angsty!#or with plot twists!#...guess I'm getting tired haha

1 note · View note

itsjustmeg97-blog · 7 years

Text

its not your fault.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Todays topic is rape. So if you do not feel comfortable with this topic, please stop reading now. This is a topic that is very real and affects so many people. And today it set heavy on my heart and well here we are. So if you would like to continue reading, then here it goes, and if not, please stop now.

I was five.

He was thirteen.

He knew, I didn't.

it was the day of my baby sisters baby shower. well the day it finally ended. It was time for us to go home, and my dad came upstairs to come get me. The door was locked and so he knocked and tried to get him to open it, but he was in the middle of something and knew that if that door got opened he would be caught. I somehow managed to fall off the bed and thats when my dad walked in. The next thing I remember is being at the hospital and getting tests done and just being really confused as to what is going on and what has happened. I was oblivious to the fact of what he did was wrong. I was so innocent, but he took that from me. The one thing you should have absolute control over, he took from me. After that, I had countless talks with the police, I had to repeat and repeat and repeat what had happened so many times, until finally they recorded it.

Sadly, that wasn't the only time it happened, but it was the last. There are countless times of it happening, it went on for months. At the beginning I was told it was a game. What five year old doesn't love playing games? As time went on, I started realizing that I didn't want to play this game anymore. It made me uncomfortable and I didn't understand it. There was one incident in particluar that I remember, it only happened once, but it happened. Him and his friends tackled me onto the bed, and said “we’re gonna play a game.” I laughed and was like “what game?”, they then went on to say that they were going to leave the room, and when they do they want me to take my pants off before they come back. So they left, I sat there and was really confused as to why I needed my pants off, I didn't want to take them off, so I didn't. They came back, my pants were on. So they said they’re gonna leave again, but this time when they come back they want my pants and panties off. So they left, and again I was like I don't want my pants off, but I didn't want to lose the game so I thought I would be clever and take off my panties but leave my pants on, so thats what I did. They came back and were upset that I didn't follow the rules but I said no I did, I took of my panties. Then my grandparents came home and I grabbed my panties and ran down the stairs. I don't know why I didn't say something then, but Im glad they came home. I know that they had something in mind, and if my grandparents hadn't came home when they did, no telling what they would have done.

That incident and the last one are the ones that have burned in my head every day for fifteen years. No matter how much I try, the flashbacks to what happened never leave. The affects as to what he did will never leave. I cringe nearly any time anyone hugs, let alone touches me. But one of the worst parts of it for me is when people find out. Which people have guessed it, and Ive told people, etc. But the feeling of knowing that someone else knows makes me feel like they look at me differently, like I'm fragile and about to break. Like I'm sensitive and they have to watch what they say or do around me. And thats not true. Yes, sometimes I get uncomfortable talking about the topic of rape, but that doesn't mean don't talk about it around me. Its just frustrating honestly when people look at me differently once they know.

Now, yes I have forgiven him. But it will not and will never make what he did to me okay tho. But in order to move past it, I had to forgive. I will never forget what he did to me, ever. My grandma thinks I lied about it. And claims I ruined his life. But in reality, he ruined mine, to an extent. He took something from me that he had no right to. He didn't have permission. But thats okay, right? I ruined his life.

I’ll never understand why he did it. And I think thats how it is in most cases. Us, the victims, never fully understand why they did it. And in a lot of cases Ive seen, the victims, for whatever reason think its their fault. And its not. I don't care what the hell you were wearing, thats not a reason to do what they do. Nobody asks for it to happen to them, and especially not an innocent child.

So if you are a victim of rape, just know that first of all, I love you and if you want to talk, feel free too. And second, it wasn't your fault. They knew what they were doing.

Alright guys, thats all for now. If you any questions about any of this or anything, feel free to ask.

xx meg.

#tw #life experience #deep thoughts #life #my life #deep conversations #my past #my story #ask me anything

0 notes