#mental health etc etc im just thinking about it just thinking about it

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Okay here's one. I really dont think I'm the asshole but my ex sure does.

AITA for refusing to buy my partner a jar of pickles?

So this story has like, a little background and some confounding factors i think but i really could go both ways on whether i was the asshole.

Ill start with both my ex (21nb) and i (23f) had severe mental health issues and were working on treatment when we were together. Theyd been in and out of inpatient stays throughout our three year relationship. Towards the Day of Pickles, i had my first inpatient stay where i got help i desperately needed to keep myself safe. This happened to be about a week after my 23rd birthday, but about two and a half weeks before their 21st birthday.

Anyway, at that time i had just gotten out of the hospital and started a new job at Joanns Fabrics (i outlived that retail fucker and im proud of it). I had been unemployed for the previous year and a half because of the pandemic and so the retail job was really my saving grace to have some sort of income to buy gas and groceries. My parents let me live rent free with them in their basement but i spent a LOT of time essentially squatting at my ex's dorm because my situation with my parents was not great.

Now my ex was also being financially abused by their mom so they had a monthly "allowance" of 200$ (of their own money they made at their on campus job) and no access to their bank statements. So i spent a lot of my own money on gas and groceries for both of us, and anything we wanted to do for fun, like visit the city. Without an income, this was SUPER stressful for me and i spiraled pretty hard with feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Supporting two people, even minimal living expenses, on an income of exactly 0$ is the WORST.

Anyway, i got out of the hospital and pretty much immediately went back to picking up as many shifts as i could at work because id been on staff for all of two weeks before hospitalization. Knowing retail, i was probably on the precipice of losing hours or being fired altogether.

My ex wanted me to take time off to celebrate their 21st birthday (they didnt celebrate my birthday that year) and travel to see their family and drink etc. I got scheduled for an inconvenient time. I would have to miss their birthday if i didnt find someone to cover. I managed to switch shifts with another coworker who was nice enough to let me have her morning shift, so i was able to at least travel separately and be a little late to dinner.

The night of their birthday my ex wanted to get drunk and so we went to the liquor store. Now im generally pretty picky about alcohol but if i get anything special i always get enough to share. Mysteriously, no one ever offers to share the expense or pay me back. So with all of 150$ in my account, i purchased enough alcohol for myself and the rest of the party, and a bottle of (cheap af) liquor for myself. I was broke af until my next paycheck and was pretty much planning on giving up meals and staying at home because the commute to work was shorter and meant less gas.

My ex picked out a jar of boozy pickles and asked if i would get it for them for their birthday. I should note that with all the stress i was under i had found a birthday present for them but hadnt actually placed the order (was waiting to get paid). I also didnt lie to them about this and had told them that i hadnt gotten their birthday present yet. They were upset by this and told me they felt like i didnt care about them, to which i snapped and raised my voice a little.

I gave them a bit of a reality check. I told them in no uncertain terms that i was under a lot of stress, from nearly killing myself to being flat broke with little to no help from my family other than a conditional roof over my head, ordering their birthday present wasnt super high on my list of things to do and that i knew what i was going to get them and that i intended to order it as soon as i had the money to do so. After years of the sole attention being focused on keeping them alive, i needed some support and acting like i didnt care completely ignored EVERYTHING i did to keep us both afloat.They cried and played the victim as they tended to do and i was too stressed to do anything but be angry.

So when they asked for the pickles i told them no. I have NOTHING left in my bank account, and anything that was in my account was already allocated for something else.

They told me i was being selfish for buying myself alcohol on THEIR birthday, not even getting them a present, yelling at them, and then refusing to buy the one thing they asked for, especially after i refused to take off work the day before to hang out with them and their family. In front of our friends.

I told them that i was purchasing the alcohol for the whole party, that the present had slipped my mind, and that they were accusing me of not caring about them when i snapped. Then i walked out.

My bff went outside to help me cool down and i told him what was going on and how stressed i was and he said that he agreed with me, it was childish to expect me to pay for everything with no help from anyone and then act like im unreasonable for having to put limits on what i can purchase.

My ex ended up getting so pissed by all of this they broke up with me two days later, saying that their birthday was the final straw for them after I'd been so codependent and relying on them too much to survive.

I think its all ridiculous given all of the stress factors i was dealing with at the time. I feel like we're all entitled to the occasional emotional outburst/bouts of forgetfulness when we're stressed. But my ex seems to think im a selfish asshole. We've been no contact for the last two years so this isnt like a pressing concern or anything but it does make me roll my eyes occasionally.

So tumblr, aita?

(Btw im also much more financially stable now that I'm fully and properly medicated and away from them.)

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

[psiirockin]

do you have any advice for opening commissions? i feel like you have them very professionally set up, and i have pretty bad social anxiety, so it might be helpful to hear tips for communicating with customers and such, or setting up a fair tos!

hi so, maybe i do have some advice!!! <33 thank you so so much for the kindness & seeing me as professional lol i’ve been doing comms for 2-3 years and i must say.. still getting the hang of a lot of things. you go through a lot of trial + error trying to figure out what works best for you, so remember theres no truly right way to go about comms! they should all fit the needs, pace, and benefit of you and your work ethic!

what i did personally is start off at some lower prices just to test the waters and get the ball rolling. i priced rendered characters at i think, $24 per character? possibly lower, i cant quite remember. and then i gradually went up as i started to progress in my art style more + had more people coming in.

with customers, i have a lot of anxiety as well! im autistic, so i never like making a customer feel like i dont truly care abt the commission by accidentally sounding too flat or anything. i tend to RLLY overthink it lol so we make sure we are extra talkative + kind about their comm! giving them compliments on the character, showing genuine excitement so they know theyre in good hands! (we love engaging esp when the customer seems VERY excited or enthusiastic abt the commission!)

a lot of irl turmoil tends to happen in our life which can make a comm delayed sometimes. could be severe mental health problems, just being busy w/ shit in general. its important to just keep your customers up to date, especially if its going to take a realllyyy long time or the customer likes frequent updates.

i used to be able to get shit done in like a night. but, with an actual line up/queue of comm work we progressively started taking longer and longer esp as we transitioned from a teenager starting out and into a busy adult with persistent mental health issues. (plus our art becomes more complex as time goes on, so that has to be taken into account) tbhs, depending on your availability and how much effort goes into your work, and as the demand grows, you need to charge accordingly and just be honest with your clientele.

as for TOS do what makes you comfortable! make your limits known and put your foot down when a request or any topic makes you uncomfortable. dont let your customers get inappropriate with you or try to make you feel bad if they dont wanna pay for what they ask for, etc. i also recommend requesting payment after sketch/half and half when starting out just so you can get some experience under your belt + assure future clients that youre professional n wont scam them! (if you plan on switching to payment upfront in the future)

just remember that u are not a machine, you are a human being making art for someone else. putting love n effort into your craft, time and effort. take your time getting the hang of comm stuff, things dont have to be perfect in your setup at first.

#asks #asks open #commissions

[ravenbloodshot]

some of these idols do amuse me in terms of what they look for in a woman/man. for example mingi is so young yet hes insecure that he wont find a supermodel gf? bruh hes got eons of time to find someone whom he should love for more than their looks. like im 30 and dont ever plan on dating any time soon or never.

it feels like with some idols it just about how someone look or if theyre sexy or hot. thats why a lot of fans never stand a chance with most idols they often seem to be very verrrrrry specific ideals sometimes average isnt enough these days sadly. which is fair enough bc everyone has preferences but when groups have young members i think they should let fate decide for them at the right time.

if i were an idol i wouldnt even bother with dating until much later on personally id be too busy and concentrated on what i wanted to achieve or my own goals would take all my attention that its the last thing that id be fretting about is who id date lol.

Well, you do have to understand that these are a bunch of ultra hot, famous, young adult men and women surrounded by other gorgeous celebs. The temptation must be out of this world, to flirt, entice, and date these idols/actors, etc.... Add on the fans that will give their last just to get a whiff of these idols. No surprise that their ideal types are supermodel-like men and women.

I will say most of the time I read on these idols, they are single. Which alot of them should be, with how bad their mental and physical health, how insecure a lot of them are (even the most beautiful ones hold onto a lot of insecurities, that's why I be really surprised to come across confident idols like Theo P1h etc...). So maybe they should stay single, but I get why some don't.

Also, fans have more of a chance than they realize. Of course, body type matters and how good-looking you are matters, but I've seen somewhat average looking fans have idols drooling over them. Take a look at this video.... Nct is something else.

https://youtu.be/cDR5AiDRyuM?si=ctUPdSEs2oINbU6m

#kpop

[annatorv]

#👉😐👈 #GIVE ME ONE GOOD MOVIE KISS AND I'LL BE ALRIGHT.MITSKI #anna torv #helen norville #the newsreader #mental health etc etc im just thinking about it just thinking about it

[mariemariemaria]

Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality

#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh #like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good #but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees #the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support #and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well #like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people #maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a #whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously #women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women #or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak #like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years #but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people #i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse #drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so* #and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles #+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries #and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation #isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote #*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now #and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad #but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing #and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this. #love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol

[dandyshucks]

i get slightly annoyed when people make community posts that tell ppl to stop doing xyz and use the phrases "they're a FICTIONAL character, theyre NOT REAL" to justify whatever theyre saying because:

1) everyone knows that already, we're all aware these are blorbos from our media;

2) if someone is genuinely struggling to grasp that because of a delusion or similar, a forceful reality check is only going to cause harm rather than help;

3) it just feels so needlessly patronizing;

4) most of the time whatever I see people complaining about is either smth that I never see anyone doing or if it is smth somebody is doing then the block button is a very quick and effective fix for the issue (or even a quick convo w the person in DMs can resolve issues!)

(granted I keep my following circle very small and probably miss a lot but if i can do that then perhaps... perhaps other people can do it too fhfkdl like just prune back whatever u dont like seeing! unfollow or block as needed!)

#speaking as someone who has experienced and occasionally still experiences delusions!!! #reality checks do not help unless we ask for them directly! it's only going to make things worse if u force one on us! #also yes im aware of the hypocrisy of me making a post complaining abt things #but its often just this one phrase that i will see in otherwise decent posts that go around #and im not about to unfollow ppl just bc of this one phrase being used in a post or two that they might've rbed fhfjdl #also this is a niche thing to know about i think? like i dont think most ppl know a lot about delusions #.... as evidenced by ppl using delulu as a quirky meme word. god that one makes me tired and frustrated fjfkdl #but yeah normally i keep complaints and annoyances to myself but this one i figured might actually be helpful to talk about here #since i know theres probably a lot of ppl who have no idea that this is a thing that can actually make things worse rather than better #and like. theres bigger fish to fry i know that! this is a relatively small thing all things considered #but i feel like perhaps if i can make life a little easier for one other person who struggles w mental health then its worth it #if i can convince one person to be more mindful of their language to make the world slightly safer for fellow mentally ill folks then yay! #and i know the internet doesnt need to cater to us crazies but fhdkdl it'd be cool if ppl could just be a tad kinder or more thoughtful #again! not shaming or blaming and I'm not even upset w anyone #ppl genuinely just do not know abt this stuff unless a loved one or they themselves struggle w delusions or psychosis etc #and even then oftentimes its such a stigmatized topic that even ppl who struggle w it themselves might not know or realize it #anyways. climbing down off my soapbox like a kitten clumsily climbing off of a tall couch SBDJSKL #dandy.cmd

[futurewife]

thoughts on set dressing in my s/i’s world

In my old age (joke) I have become one of those boring black and white minimalist home people where I used to be a jewel tone gold trinket loving clutter on every surface maximalist. It’s not all bad, somehow I feel this is partly a reflection of C.able in me cause I always thought he’d live super spartan just because he just strikes me as a guy that is content with the bare basics and he’s like...kinda zen about it... so at least I think we could live in peace with our mutual living space design options HAHA

When I first started envisioning the environment my s/i might live in, at first I had this messy, dark jewel tone, random stuff hanging everywhere block out curtains, kind of environment in mind. Like candle wax and incense ash on the shelves and stuff, clothes in piles, five lamps for no reason etc 

e.g.

Now, some of you may think I've majorly downgraded and that is valid. I still think maximalism looks amazing, romantic, lush and cozy. I've just started to personally want an environment that is simple and low maintenance, plus I started to get a little more conscious about material consumption/value/functionality. This is not an attack on people that enjoy trinkets, it's more like I have come to some realisations about myself and what I can realistically achieve, mentally deal with and maintain. now I swoon at bedrooms like these HAHAHHA

well that’s my boring interior set dressing story ig xx What kind of living environment do you envision for your s/i?

#also i discovered im way too lazy to dust all that and it personally helps my mental health to not have so much stuff or choice HAHAHA #I think that's why the all black wardrobe also works so well for me. I don't have to think about it!!! What a relief. hahaha #I used to have an ~aesthetic~ that was much more like historical glamour informed and extra. esp. the 20s and 30s. art nouveau etc #I do believe there is no part of the self discovery journey that isn't real and important and valid though #just a little personal musing ig

[dyketubbo]

i will say i do think this is a dick move to ctommy and that yeah cwilburs a jerk for leaving ctommy crying and alone. i just think the concept itself of cwilbur being a utah gas station attendant that pretended to be british whose story ends with him going back to utah is funny and that that is not something to get heavily upset about

#also im just generally tired of watching a stream and then going on tumblr just to shittalk and complain and say it was shit #i just dont really think its been good for my mental health to go right into complaining #him going to utah made me laugh and ill just like.. wait a while to really criticize the stream #esp since twitch lagged out for me for so much of it #but i guess in summary it was a good ending for cwilbur but it wasnt necessarily a good ending for ccrimebois #and does not bode well for ctommy at all which does dampen wilbur talking about protecting tommy etc etc #but thats all youll hear of me on here about that for now #mask mews #dsmp spoilers #dsmp #wilbur #tommy

[hawkeyedflame]

.

#im not vagueing anyone specific so if u think this is abt you don't get your underwear twisted okay this is about like. so many ppl. #but it's so fucking frustrating seeing people i know (friends/family/coworkers/etc) going thru so much mental health struggle #often accompanied by physical health issues like weight/skin/pain problems #and knowing their diet is absolutely dogtrash #and trying to come up with a way to tell them that is nice but will maybe get them to think or change their ways #i know i know. you can lead a horse to water and all but it's just fucking agonizing knowing that people are suffering so needlessly #and it would go away if they just put the right food in their bodies #and no this isn't even an injunction to carnivore you can recover significantly with meat-heavy noncarnivore ketogenic diets #but people are so resistant to the idea that they can eat their way out of mental illness even though this is well documented #it just makes me want to rip my hair out that people would really rather stay the same than try something that could make them better #like i really can't fucking relate the whole reason i ended up a carnivore is because i was so *desperate* to be healthy #and trying something for a month just to see sounds so much better than letting everything get worse until i'm literally dying #but then i see so many sick people with garbage diets just completely resist the suggestion that the solution could possibly be so simple #like what more can i do for you? i dont want you to be sick. YOU dont want you to be sick. what do you lose from just trying?? #ugh i cant. im so. i know this is going to be my career path but god fucking damn if it isn't infuriating

[formulapisces]

i just went out with my friend and it went better than i thought it would because i don’t talk to her often - until right at the VERY end when we walked past this girl and she whispered to me ‘omg i know her…’ so i asked how and she explained how they go to the same college and she has autism and has meltdowns that are apparently ‘really funny’ and ‘like a 2 year old.’ she said she and my ex-friend has to hold back laughing at her having a meltdown and yeah… i’m going to send her a few texts about autism etc so if she has the heart to do it she can learn and be better, but i’m not going to talk to her again after that, i’m so annoyed.

#i said to her that’s really horrible and i do that exact same thing she’s struggling and etc etc #and she just went haha no but you don’t understand how bad it is #i just spilled my heart out to her about my mental health and stuff #and then she said that… #to a neurodiverse person… #and thought i was going to laugh? #tw ableism #im so pissed what was she thinking and why does she think that’s okay #she just went silent and i was sticking up for the girl like how did she think that’s okay #im so annoyed with her i can’t deal with ittttt #bleh #the things she described is literally the same exact things that i do #WHAT WAS SHE THINKINGGGGG?????!!!!!

[theygender]

I'm doing it. I'm gonna get a fucking hysterectomy

#its something ive talked about half jokingly for years bc the idea of ever being pregnant or giving birth makes me INCREDIBLY dysphoric #so it seems completely fucking pointless to have to go through so much pain and sickness every month for absolutely no reason #this past month where i couldnt get my medication already had me seriously thinking about it tho #bc even if im managing my endometriosis okay with BC i dont want to have to worry about going through hell if i cant fill my prescription #i was looking into the side effects and etc bc i was thinking about asking my doctor about it next time i went in #and the only thing that had me concerned was that a full hysterectomy or oophorectomy sends you into menopause which seems like itd suck #(but smaller surgeries like tube ligations dont actually stop you from having periods) #BUT i was complaining about this at work and one of my coworkers told me she had a hysterectomy for endometriosis #and her doctor gave her a partial hysterectomy so it stops periods and prevents pregnancy but doesnt send you into menopause #and that sounds fucking GREAT honestly so i wanted to ask my doctor about it even more #but now that roe v wade has been overturned? the deal is sealed im getting this hell machine out of me one way or another #im hoping that my doctor will be understanding as a woman herself but if not my coworker said she'll give me her doctors info #and if THAT doesnt work. i just checked out r/childfree and theyve got a list of doctors in my area who are willing to help #i dont want to keep suffering through chronic illness symptoms every month for absolutely no reason #i dont want to run the risk of getting pregnant and having to live through my worst nightmare as someone with dysphoria #AND like my gf just pointed out to me. ive got other health issues that im trying to get sorted out #im chronically underweight and i either have pots or some kind of hypertension. plus a low immune system and etc etc etc #being forced to carry a pregnancy could fucking kill me for all i know. AND i would have to go off of a lot of my meds?? #all this thing does is cause me chronic pain and put my already precarious physical and mental health at risk #im GETTING it fucking taken out #rambling #ive got an appointment with my therapist on tuesday and i think im gonna ask about getting an official diagnosis of gender dysphoria #and im already in the process of getting tested for pots with my primary care doctor #so hopefully those diagnoses combined with my endometriosis will help speed it along... 🙏

[icewindandboringhorror]

Daily Log 7

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Finished all of the little things I carved out of avocado pits, will maybe post pictures at some point? I painted some sections (like for the eye I carved, I made part of it white for contrast, etc.) and then generally glazed them with some shiny paint stuff. Now I really wish I had more avocado pits, I was unsure at first, but I have some new ideas.. I want to try inlaying stones like I've seen in some pictures, similar to the same ones I use for eyes in my sculptures. >:3 (random google image example of the stones inside, like this sort of thing V)

Low effort/small house cleaning tasks, did a few dishes, put up laundry, organized things, put up the recycling, paid bills, etc.

Still extremely sleepy and unfocused, it was hot last night and the cats woke me up multiple times so I only got a few hours of sleep and barely had any energy to do anything and also had a headache and back pain a lot of the day. ToT

Finally made an appointment I was supposed to make like 4 days ago lol..

Gave wet food to the cats (this is an ordeal because George eats way faster than Noodle, so I have to separate them and stand guard so George doesn't vacuum his up immediately then run over and try to eat all of his brothers food.. evil boy must be watched to prevent his crimes )

Edited videos for like.. 15 minutes but still have not been very productive on that front (or editing costume photos or anything) due to shoulder pain and stuff making it hard to type/use mouse much on the computer. grrbbb >:V

Spent 10 minutes looking up a weird pendant I had in my rock collection area and found out it's an old piece of costume jewelry from the 60s(?) and could be worth like $200 potentially, which is cool. I'm not sure if I'll sell it though because I do think it's quite unique and good for a prop when making wizard character inventories, etc, and I'd never be able to find anything like it again (it's this one below.. it's very weird.. looks like something a mage would have lol)

Translated the tapestry text for 5 minutes, and got out some tubs of clothes to start organizing them to sell outfits and stuff online, but then felt ill and had to go lay down so now the tubs are just sitting out on the floor ghgh..

Notable sights: It rained a bit and the sky was very pretty at one point. Didn't get to go outside today due to schedule/low energy, so no clovers or anything. Saw a fat squirrel out the window once though. Also when I was looking through my "rock collection" (which also includes marbles, dice, pieces of glass, stones, gems, rubber balls, seashells, smooth wood, jewelry scraps, etc. ggh.. really more "shiny things collection" but it's mostly rocks, so) for interesting stones to possibly put into avocado pits in the future, I saw a lot of pretty rocks I hadn't thought about in a while, so that was nice.

Goals moving forward: Focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.

Notable foods: Nothing really.. but it's an asparagus day tomorrow I think so.. >:)c hehehehe... Oh, I did try a bite of corn, which I really really love corn but am not supposed to have it on my diet. The miniscule morsel was sufficiently cherished. Still craving hearty stuff despite resuming my iron supplements lol..

#just posting these publicly since it feels more like I'm doing something or easier to hold yourself accountable if you make public #declarations of goals and progress or etc. .. perhaps.. for now #just want to do worldbuilding I want to work on the language I want to do these sorts of things #furstrating to just walk around in a haze all day unable to focus on mental tasks like that #One of the most important things in my entire life actually is being able to think about little elves and magic and etc. #annoying to have multiple days in a row where I make very little progress on that aside from thinking of a few little story #ideas or something here and there. I should have had the text translated already and finished the worldbuilding slideshow #already and made a game set in my world already and so on and so forth.. grr #There's another upcoming heatwave again and summer is soon so I think it will only get worsw #the more often I feel warm and sick or cant sleep due to the temperature etc. #But I am trying to catch up somehow.. a little.. lol #I think it's very common to feel like you're not making enough progress in life on the things that matter the most to you #especially during capitalism and with low income and mental/physical health issues and during a still ongoing pandemic #threat and etc. etc. etc. like.. Logically I get it and I know it's not something to be too worked up over because that's just how #probably half of the population feels at all times especially people who are in similar situations to me #but still.. my brain is like Yes i know the facts of the situation No i do not care #if someone else came to me like 'ough Im feeling so unproductive for xyz reason' I'd reassure them and talk about how #it's situational and a lot of people feel that way and it's the system we live in and blah blah #but when it's ME it's like.. No.. This Situation Is Different Of Course. Surely It Is Much More Terrible #If You Haven't Finished Your Entire ToDo List By The End Of The Week Then The World Will Explode #ANYWAY.. #daily log

[lilowoof]

Chilling in bed thoughts

This year has just basically been the eerie realization that I am the most unhappy I have every been in my life, and I am basically doing nothing about it.

LIKE, literally, I am just waiting to die, and have been for the last 7+ years, but on top of that, the mental and physical health is slowly getting worse. And despite that.....????? NOPE, not getting out of this chair!

It’s important to recognize that I’m doing this so maybe by airing out my chilling thoughts, I can hold myself accountable to try and like.........make it better? Cause everything that I used to love to do makes me feel nothing and this loneliness is getting unbearable!! I need to get out and try things or make new friends or......something!!!!! AUGH!!!!!!!

I have been trying to attend to some things and making sure I do basic hygiene and also getting back into exercising regularly, so maybe there is hope yet. I just need to keep on trying, no matter what :)

#though I will say this: the wrong kid died. and NO I will not elaborate unless I get paid big bucks $$$ #but yeah. the bleakness of the near future is scaring me and Im just like hhhahahahahaaahaahahaahha I wish I could just die #but that is not a solution #hopefully I can get therapy in the near future but that will have to wait for now cause no insurance to pay for it and my shitty home life- #-will basically mitigate any benefits from it me thinks. also I am not allowed to take meds for mental health things according to dad so - #-YEAH. THERES THAT! #seriously tho sometimes I think about that like. he will take horse meds to prevent covid but I am not allowed to get meds for mental health #anyways that's a rant for another day #me at future me: I hope one day you start to smile again at being alive because I don't want you to feel how I am feeling #text le text #don't get me wrong: there are a lot of good things that happened this year (den/game sessions/etc). but the bad things are getting worse too #idk #idk....... #we'll see what happens I guess

[dooodle-bug]

Are you ok?

You've been a little bit off.

I have been??

#I mean. i appreciate you asking thank you #its been going alright so far for me. the normal ups and downs and thoughts n stuff etc- #but i didnt think ive been acting off? sorry im just a bit confused- #also if this is cris or marcus we can talk about this in the dms if u want its cool <:o) #but uhhh yeah. thank u for asking but i Think im doing at least not horribly- #ask #i-use-my-words-to-express-myself #well actually if im honest my mental health has been kinda eh. but thats bc of stuff thats happened a while ago. i am trying to be better- #its just kinda hard bc i keep thinking about the Past n getting a little bummed out-

[orcelito]

like ok

> has very definite Trauma Things from various times in life > has difficulty remembering some of them for Various Reasons, while others are. way way way too vivid. > has continuous difficulty sleeping, including a variety of reoccurring disturbing dreams coupled with a general apathy about them (refusal to call most of them nightmares bc most of them im not actually scared in, which kinda rly says smth about me mentally, i think) > general avoidance of Trauma Things > general negative reactions when Trauma Things r brought up

uhmmmm yea ok

#speculation nation #negative/ #I Guess . im just kinda sorting it out lol #i can think of like. three or four ish things for sources of these #and like. Childhood. which i remember but also it's spotty. comes largely in assorted memories & me being like 'wow thats fucked up' #Teenage Time. bad relationship etc etc yea it fucked me UP. doing a lot better nowadays but it still permanently altered my brain. like ok #... cat thing. which is probably the most classic sense of ptsd if you consider how i reacted to tally having a bloody poop lmaooo #plus Sudden Death is a stated semi-common ptsd cause. so it. makes sense. #& honestly id probably count covid as a source too. a bit more iffy since it's less personalized. but Man #im definitely somehow even more neurotic now than i was pre-covid so like. that sure says smth. #am i oversharing rn? probably. but it's vague enough so whateverrr #ur following me on the Trauma Sharing Website so if youve read this far that's on u #anyways yea i guess i probably do have ptsd. whoooopssss #still not gonna do anything about it. i dont got time for taking care of my mental health lmaoo

[dyketubbo]

hey. reminder to tag the fucking shipping for the love of god

#mask mews #sorry i just. im realizing the qpr discourse genuinely did traumatize me #n the. son line n seeing glimpses of how people reacted is actually makking me like #really anxious. i thjnk i might have to take a stepp back sorry #editt i am going to step back like try to get off of tumblr for a bit etc etc #but like. idk i think that reacting to a charavcter saying someone is like another persons son by. posting untagged shipping #is. weird. and uncomfortable. n i get it i get why ppl reacted like that but this fandom is already so bad at tagging shit #and like. of course we dont know if slime n quackity agree w what purpled said #but i feel like. at fhe very fucking least. people could tag quacksicle if theres voing to be #official fucking lore where charlie is said to be like a son to quackity even if it wasng by those two ccs #considering. it was still in quackitys lore stream. ajd he still was the one to edit this togetjer #but thats all im going to add onto it i dontt. want to discuss this further thinkking about what happened lats time #is genuinely making me want to trhow up so. mental health break. sorry