#most i remember it being a normal day

[front-facing-pokemon]

#something is very obviously different about these two compared to my normal images on this blog. i acknowledge this #also the sv model is Really good. and since they always stare straight at the camera anyway… and no one pays attention to the background… #and the only high-quality phantump model i could find was so horribly shiny that its eyes were just white voids #in my defense‚ phantump always just stare straight at you in game #the lighting is different‚ yeah. that's probably the dead giveaway. beyond the background. but like. i'm the only being on the planet who #really likes phantump anyway. i feel like it's a generally forgettable pokémon to most folks #phantump #HELLO this one is a weird one. i have some explaining to do. so when i did this one i didn't know how to edit models really at all #and when i got the models for these‚ the xy models were super shiny. shiny to the point that it made their eyes fuckin invisible #and i decided that since you could barely tell it was phantump‚ i needed a different way to get these images #i remembered that in the SV dlc‚ every time you find a wild phantump‚ it just fucking. stares. at you. and i was like. aha #i kinda remembered because of the test stream that i did. tumblr user alligayytorr (am i getting the right amount of Ys) said #“haha i am getting a sneak peek” when i zoomed the camera in on a phantump. and i remembered that. and i was like. i can utilize this #and ended up using just an in-game screenshot of SV in replacement of the regular content. later on‚ after that #once we got into gen 7 and it became less and less reliable to find models‚ i had to learn how to edit them manually to remove the shine #i am a software dev. not a 3d modeler. this ended up coming down to editing the code of the models directly (which i ended up writing a #script to automate). now‚ today‚ january 22nd (the day of me writing these tags and updating this post)‚ i remembered this post was in the #queue and was not normal. so i went back‚ ran the script on the phantump and trevenant models‚ and unshinified them #then edited these two posts to be normal. i have left the original pictures i took under the cut for reference and as bonuses #because i really enjoy phantump. so that's why those images are there‚ and that's why these tags are here #just for posterity's sake‚ the folks who come here mostly for my commentary‚ i've left the ORIGINAL tags of the post when i initially #made it with the SV pictures up at the top (i wanted to rearrange them‚ but tumblr makes that Very difficult‚ so i left them as-is) #so if these tags are confusing to read i Apologize. but i hope now that you're at the bottom you understand what happened #i'm gonna go edit the trevenant post now

[torments-my-obelisk]

DSOD is such a funny movie. Kaiba comes on screen in his giant fucking space station molded into his company logo and I just laughed. He’s so dramatic. He misses his rival and is so obsessed with getting some closure for once in his goddamn life that he spent well over a billion dollars to excavate a cursed puzzle and build a space elevator to the afterlife but the minute anyone says anything about ‘hey maybe that’s a little unhealthy’ he’s snapping and snarling and telling them to fuck off. Except the cube guy. He’s has a duel disk and is also full of unprocessed grief so he can stay. Yugi Moto looks them dead in the eye and says “first of all, I’m only here because you both blackmailed me. Secondly, fuck you both for that, by the way. Thirdly, I’m gonna kick your ass”. Card games ensue, meanwhile Yugi tries his absolute best to show Kaiba the pharaoh is gone and maybe he needs to spend some time reflecting on his emotions and yes the invitation is still open to talk about Him BUT THEN THE NARRATIVE PROVED KAIBA RIGHT?!! AND THE PHARAOH COMES BACK AND YUGI HAS TO LOOK KAIBA IN THE EYE AND TELL HIM THAT HES SORRY FOR DOUBTING HIM?? WHAT. What Kaiba takes from all this is that a) his horrid coping mechanisms work after all, b) if he just fucks around enough and spends all his money he really can be king of the world and c) the best option is definitely to finish that space elevator and fucking. Go to the afterlife I guess. To duel his “hated rival” or whatever. Fuck off

#dsod #seto kaiba #dark side of dimensions #yugioh #yugioh duel monsters #ygo dm #ygo #I just rewatched this movie and it really is the story of kaiba failing to deal with loss #making it everyone’s problem #and eventually he made it so much of a problem that even atem had to come back and be like ‘for fucks sake kaiba if you’re going to be #‘such a bitch about it FINE.’ #and like the plana’s power being taken away once the pharaoh is resurrected means that kaiba putting the Millenium puzzle back together #to see atem again inadvertently saved the day #like holy shit the entire narrative really was shaped around letting him be insane while yugi is the most normal person ever in comparison #hmm also diva and kaiba’s grief being juxtaposed… hmmm #dsod is such a movie #and I just remembered he literally COUKD HAVE DIED AND LEFT MOKUBA IN CHARGE?? HELLO #thank god for the kaiba/yugi in space illustration takahashi did bc leaving things off with the end of dsod is just. #not great. except for prideshippers I guess 😭

[heartslobbf]

the thing about rgu episodes 35&6 is its just like...... everything is veering towards a car crash but more than usual. and everyone is more aware of how car-crashy things are going to get than usual, but its like. no one is like ‘hey what if we didn’t get into a car crash though’, or if they are, they’re expressing that sentiment in the worst way possible (shoutout anthy and touga). you have so many tiny and horrendously fucked up moments in those episodes like juri saying utena ‘looks like a girl now’ and making miki consider whether or not that’s a ‘good’ thing, or utena falling asleep at the table with her earrings as anthy just Watches, or the scene where touga holds a carrot in various initially amusing and then promptly emotionally devastating ways as both he and the audience make a series of crushing realisations neither of us are totally comfortable accepting

its like. throughout all of this acknowledgement of ‘hm. this is bad’ everyone is filled with inaction. we are all trapped in our coffins!!! people are prosing but that’s about it. all of the student council know who end of the world is, and they don’t tell utena. im not blaming them for this because its masterful, compelling writing that serves to elevate the show and its themes, but i am pointing it out because what’s endlessly relevant in utena analysis is recognising when characters make choices that ohtori frames as a natural progression or event that is immutable. anthy and touga voice wow i cant believe at least one person has to die at the end of this duelling game, which we like have to do btw. yeah. what do you mean this is all constructed and therefore can be dismantled. oh my god im going to kill you what the fuck. i dont want to kill you. i dont know how else to get you out of this situation. guess ill try and remove you from the system, thereby proving it is a structure that can be left behind and undermining my fragile worldview ive believed to have kept me ‘safe’ all this time. why are you guys talking about coffins so much omgggggggg shut up shut up shut up

#one day ill write my essay about anthy and touga and their dynamics w nanami and utena. bc it makes me BONKERS #i mean generally one day ill write my anthy and touga essay bc its like. god im so autistic #theres a reason my pinned post is anthy's 'betrayal' theres a reason i have probably watched eps 35&6 the most #theres a reason im obsessed w aou's symbolism ESPECIALLY in the movie manga actually #anyway normal normal normal (lie) (am thinking about birdcages and eggs) #remember in episode 11 when touga was like hey anthy one day im going to own the key to this birdcage that youre in. and its like #touga. touga youre in the birdcage too rn #touga kiryuu will be like if a chick cannot hatch from its egg's shell it will die without being born 10 minutes later me and the coffin <3 #and then u have anthy loml anthy the character of all time..... cannae even make little jokes about her arc bc its like. Oh #have u ever killed something good for u just to be certain ure the reason u can no longer have it.......... #have you ever died and been dying over and over again have you ever been so numb and yet so angry. so bitter. so resenting. #everything the same over and over and over again. and then something changes a bit. wahhhhhhhhhhhh #i PROMMY i am normal about anthy himemiya (i cant think about her without crying) #revolutionary girl utena #rgu #shut up daisy

[best-enemies]

I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:

(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)

[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]

Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)

Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.

[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]

(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)

(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)

LIKE!!!!!!!

Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.

#csi #gsr #i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything #need to talk more about these two here #because im obsessed about them in a Normal way #sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together #i would not though #i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far #also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what #i could talk about her forever she's everything to me #and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever #i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them #and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line #nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it #but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know #but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life #you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too #he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it #and his smirks #AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA #im losing my mind #i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ #ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic #one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone #or this persons' lifestyle #he's always trying to understand them and not judge them #like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people #and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much #like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara #they're a perfect match for me

[milkweedman]

Bought a pair of pants at goodwill earlier but all the ones I've been to have had their changing rooms closed the whole pandemic so couldn't try them on... did pull out my measuring tape that's on my keys and they were pretty much my size, but I have discovered that while they would fit well if they had a normal waistband, they actually have a stretchy waistband (like, strip of elastic sewn the whole way around) and thus are so big that they're falling off me, because their own weight kind of pulls them down so that the cuffs drag on the ground. Unclear if they're intended to be high waisted and just too big or for someone bigger in all dimensions than I am, but not the point.

I've been trying to figure out how to fix this, bc they're very comfy. I kinda wish I could just take out the elastic and do a drawstring but there's 2 buttons and a zipper that would definitely complicate things. Could also wear a belt, if I had one and if they weren't the worst sensory experience since not wearing socks.

#my first pair of pants that wasnt jeans in... potentially ever. probably not tho i bet i had cargo pants at some point #the first that i remember tho. i love jeans but i walked by this section of pants that were all so colorful and was entranced #these are purple... #there might be a way to add further elastic to the back to encourage it not to stretch... #better yet maybe line the waistband and sew thru it and the elastic a lot to try and stop it all from stretching #or most ? i guess if some parts stayed stretchy that might be okay #im incredibly bad at eyeballing whether clothes will fit me or not. i do not know what size my meat suit is at All #my jeans normally have no stretch which is what i need bc otherwise they stretch out so much i start washing them every day #just to try and make wearing them feel consistent so i dont lose my mind #point being no stretch is ideal but these dont seem as robust as jeans so idk if they can necessarily take that #*guy who has only worn jeans* idk not really getting jeans vibes from these pants... #alterations #anyway yes i meticulously measured the inseam and the waist no i didnt try stretching the waist or notice the obvious stretch design #such is life

[topaztimes]

Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that

#Giving time... #Still more time... #Wouldn't want to plague any previews #Maybe another filler. Just for some fun #Is this enough? #It certainly is now #Alright start: #I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight #'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state / #/of constant self-loathing #I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea #What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not / #/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed #I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore #I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done #I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though #I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I / #/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward #I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme #Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way #God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs #It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my / #/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days #Literally what am I doing this for #And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with / #/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life #Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me #Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus #I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore #It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until

[criscura]

I wish I wasn't so exhausted and I could make more art.... I even planned out a whole prompt-a-day month for Saigenos/Genosai, TWICE, but the first time no one seemed like they could participate when I asked about it, and the second time I friggin lost the damned plan. I could remake it a third time, but I just....I don't know.

I've been really struggling to get along for a while, and I think if it didn't hit it off--or even if I just got really productive and it seemed like I was reaching crickets--I'd be so incredibly discouraged that it would bring me down even further. It usually takes my stuff a few months to a year to get reach, and that really doesn't do anything for me when I need the support immediately.

It's not that I don't have a billion ideas for so many different things, but my battery has been taking longer and longer to charge up and it's been running out faster and faster, and it's been like this for....a year?? Ish?? Maybe longer, I don't know.

I wish I could just stop needing so much fucking time to bounce back.....

#written from my bed as I'm almost crying from exhaustion and hopelessness #I'm PMSing and I had a really tiring day so i know this feels worse than normal #but when you've been struggling to fall asleep for months because waking up means being disappointed in yourself #for everything you failed to do the day before and everything you know you're going to fail to do again today #it's really hard not to feel like shit about yourself #trying to be constantly hopeful but never living up to your expectations #and then the few times that you do you completely crash for days #and then the only way to not crash is to have your big accomplishment be 'i went to the gym' 'i took a shower' 'i answered a message' #and just. again #to have the be the way you're living for months and months and months #it's so embarrassing to admit how little i can do and it makes me so ashamed knowing how much I've done and see what everyone else around me #is constantly doing #and then when i do share things it just kind of dies off because I've been too exhausted to maintain most relationships #which ALSO makes me feel like absolute fucking shit because i think people think i just don't care about them #when it's really that it takes me hours to get out of bed and I'm lucky if i remember to eat before 4 #and I hate so much of myself and see it as such a huge waste of time that it uses up almost all the energy i have to take care of myself #but if i don't do it I'll just hate myself even more #i know i keep on complaining about this but I'm. I'm trying to fix it #i have BEEN trying to fix it actively for so fucking long #but it's.....i think I've stopped believing anything i do has significant worth and it makes it hard to keep trying #and i know people will read this and say take something for it but when you're only interactions with medications and drugs #are one experience that scarred you so bad you didn't go to the doctors for ten years and one experience so bad #that you couldn't even explain it at first without HARDCORE disassociating #it's hard to convince yourself that anything will ever be any better and that it won't make everything intensely worse for years

[robinsnest2111]

idly wondering with what experts would diagnose me if I was 100% truthful and could remember every single thing that happened to me and every single quirk I developed because of it <3

#like esp. at the start my mother would sit in on all my therapy sessions #and i didn't yet grasp what therapy was for at age 11 so i just talked about my day #and showed the nice lady my latest drawings orz #all that got me was a 'oh that kid is just shy and a little scared going to school just force him to go it'll be fine <3' #never said anything about the nefarious bullying or the things going on at home #because at that point i was so naive i thought it was NORMAL #and other therapists later on only ever focused on my weight and how sloppy i dressed. never addressing all my other issues so i gave up #never talked about all the other stuff for a while. #also that ONE situation i can barely remember but that fucked me up the most i think back in kindergarten... never told anyone about it #except a friend last year. wondering what therapists would say about that if i ever opened up about that to them #after a bit of thought it'd also explain my aversion to being touched/examined by doctors in that area. great. #ANYWAY just wondering <333 #also all the 'negative' feelings i immediately throw in the repression bin. like jealousy frustration anger annoyance entitlement etc #been told one too many times that these things are ugly and shouldn't be displayed. should stop acting like a spoiled brat #never learned how to handle any of that <333 #recently have taken to being overly analytical about it all. trying to find what triggers these emotions and then rationalising them away <3 #they do still fester deep in my soul tho <333 #good thing i'm so good at repression that i forget about it all eventually until something makes me remember and then i suffer #but then i repress again and i can live in blissful ignorance again <333333 #wish i could be a dumb silly billy more often and not think about things too much like i usually do haha #maybe that's why i'm so drawn to and fadcinated by the bimbocore subculture/movement...... 🤔 #anyway anyway just thinking haha

[quietwingsinthesky]

(Transgenderdoctorwhomst) hi. Hi. I am immediately invested in the mechanics. Is it a straight pacific rim au? Why are time lords chosen as pilots? How does one rope the doctor into climbing into a big fuckoff mech numerous times? I am so so so curious I want to hear All the thoughts.

good questions! no idea! im just making this shit up as i go along. im not even sure if we’ve got two different species here, or if this is a human AU where ‘time lord’ is a title the way companion is. but that would be kind of cool. a reference maybe to the time dilation of piloting, because there’s a delay between your own muscles and the weight and swing of a massive machine that’s almost impossible to master except for a select few.

reasons you can get the doctor into that machine over and over again instead of just letting him study the monster brains like he would want to: 1) you say to him ‘do you really want the master in there alone? or worse, with someone who can’t wrangle them like you can?’ (<- which. let’s say that’s more like a success rate of 60% against a success rate for everyone else of 0%. its. an Improvement.) and 2) If You Don’t Get In The Massive Fuck-Off Robot And Kill Things, More People Will Die And That’ll Be On You. guilt that man into getting in there. this definitely will not have consequences when he needs to hook his brain up with other people.

#also letting them keep their stupid names in this au <3 no human names for thme. #well. maybe they normal names once. but not anymore. #something something gives them identity issues too. forget who you are when you’re locked in day after day for years. so pick something to #be called that will remind you what you are. #and the master picks the master because. he is. (because the nature of piloting is to be simultaneously the most powerful thing in the world #and the most vulnerable person in the room. and i really dont think he’d like to acknowledge one of those things.) #and the doctor picks the doctor because he has to hold on to being something that is Not This. has to remind himself that this has to be #temporary. and maybe he can find another way to fix this. if he just remembers what he is. #ask

[blueish-bird]

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy #been feeling weird as hell these past few months #like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days #or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day #idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this #just thinking #meposting #I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying #I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult #I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad. #whatever #I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that #dissociation #me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though #she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety #and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’ #I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time #I’m so solid now #so stuck in the ruts of capitalism #fuck capitalism #I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled #sorry I love talking #and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn? #it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing #I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence. #like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5. #overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names. #can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school #bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude #I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time

[br1ghtestlight]

"you have low blood sugar" dont i know it brother

#not bcuz of an eating disorder just being starved for like most of my teenage years. i eat a normal-ish amount now #but my body still has weird side effects & chronic low blood sugar and severe painful symptoms if i dont eat for a few hours is one of them #its like diabetes but weirder?? probably should talk to a doctor at some point #also ALWAYS craving sugar. i should probably get better about actually having a supply of sugar/sweets nearby #we have sweet stuff but it isnt enough....... its never enough #remembering when i used to bribe myself to eat disgusting ass flavorless moldy food for my One meal a day with like a single candy #or piece of chocolate. That actually kinda worked tbh thats also why i hoarded candy for a long time #txt

[spiderwebd]

my amazing mutual who reblogs everything at 4 am my time so i wake up to 99+ notifications :3

Hehehehehe yw <3 /silly

#That one time I got 99+ ACTIVITY notifications/lh #<- also not a bad thing keep em coming/silly #Also I LIED I'm answering asks BEFORE showering because I'm feeling EVIL!!! /silly #dawnleaf37 #Hello Tumblr mutual dawnleaf37 thank you for still being alive and my mutual I missed you muah/silly+p #Dude my teacher gave us 50 question assignments and another gave us 40 like what/lh #I spent most of the day trying to finish that skkfkglkd #Then reblogged right after #the grind never stops guys #this is what you guys followed em for right/j #Man I feel bad for my non phighting mutuals at this point I'm like half hoping they blocked the phighting! tag at this point KSNGJFMSLDKF #IT'S FUNNY I SWEAR GUYS I'M DOING IY BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY I'M SUPER NORMAL/j+silly #Like one of my friends once said (I'm sorry I don't remember who SOBS) #Illumina sends his best phighters to the phighting tag... /silly #Polkka posts #asks #okok shower time #UPDATE: WE FOUND THE F(R)IEND #IT WAS SUNNY #HI SUNNY

[arcaneyouth]

not having my adhd meds really is so fucking painful why is it so hard to do literally anything

#I CAN'T! FOCUS!!!!! #vent post #negative #not that serious tho i'm just wailing #i've been on a streak of being really productive and getting a lot of shit done and now 3 hours have passed since i got out of bed and #i don't even remember most of it #god i hope my adhd meds come in soon #i technically have some spare of the wrong dosage but i kinda hate taking those ones #everything feels wrong and bad rn tho the brain fog is fucking getting me #i normally only miss 1 day of my meds at a time this is day 2 and my brain fucking explode #all because my psychiatrist is so hard to get a hold of so my pharmacy didn't approve a 90 day dose....

[toastsnaffler]

told my coworker I just started elden ring and he was like fuck me playing souls games is more stressful than a full time job I had to quit ER when I started this job so I could just chill out when I got home instead.... 💀

#I didnt even start the conversation he just remembered im into rogues/souls and was making small talk.. sweet guy #i think ive won his respect by being a souls fan 🫡 #ive only played a couple hours so far (and lets be real. most of that was in character creator) but its really fun ive been thinking abt #it at work all day.... the fights are challenging but actually not as difficult as i thought considering how much ppl complain #like it feels very fair + the fight patterns are easier to pick up than most rogue bosses tbh. im a little clumsy bc i dont play many #3d games but ill get the hang of it.. #also looooove the visuals + music. goes without saying tbh #i wanna make fanart of the character im playing as already teehee #if i get home and eat and shower relatively quickly i can probably play another 2 hours lets goooo #feeling so much more normal today i love mondays my best friend mondays. my period did start at work tho which suuucked #me titrating this substrate w a white knuckle grip on the pipette trying not to crumple in half over the bench and weep #ibuprofen does nothing for me..... i need to get some more cocodamol even if it does make me kinda drowsy #i dunno how im gonna survive periods when im back titrating meds again bc i cant take any nsaids... well. cross that bridge ig #anywaaay. bus was on time so should be home before 6 today woohoo #.diaries

[meteoritesystem]

just remembered this time in line to go to lunch in 5th grade when people were being super fucking loud so i just dissociated on purpose (as one does) and the girl next to me got my attention and was like "how r u so calm rn its so loud" and i was like "oh! i just turned off my brain so i couldnt hear it ^_^" and she was like. what. and i was like yknow. when u just check out of a situation and go inside ur head so u dont have to experience it. and she was like. .....nnnno?

#text #this isnt the exact phrasing cuz yknow it was a decade ago #but those were the vibes #i remember mentally being like ah. thats not normal. gotta write that down so i remember not to say it again #this was probably like. after winter break cuz that was when i realized i could just check out #LIKE I WAS LITERALLY . AT THE KITCHEN TABLE FIRST DAY OF WINTER BREAK #like. well i guess i can just turn off my feelings and go in my head so i dont have to be here #my friend most people cannot do that ❤️ #Also. throwback to talking to my therapist and she was asking questions abt dissociation (without saying the word) #and i was like yeah ive done that ^_^ that too yeah. and she was like Is gthere a certain time of ur life that u did it most? #and i was like. idk i dont remember. but deginitely a lot in 6th grade tho ^_^ and she was like. what happened in 6th grade #and i was like. No idea 🙂 #that was when i was like. 15 byw #god . so many things make so much more sense now LMAO

[mrfoox]

The fact I refuse to confront/inform the people who have basically ruined my mental state and my ability to function bc that would make them feel bad is honestly bonkers

#miranda talking shit #I cant say id be having a good and normal life if i wasnt abused as a young child but im 90% sure I'd not have this must trouble #Id still have my autistic and add problems but my anxiety and depression would definitely be a lot better #Its... Insane. That my older brothers probably have no idea how much they have actually ruined my life/mental state from such an earlh age #As 4 yrs old... Hell they might not even remember it or even think it was a 'big deal'. I know my second oldest brother probably falls into #The latter. I know now that they both most likely have undiagnosed adhd/autism and they used me as a way to act out/feel better #But being told youre stupid. Fat. Ugly. Useless from the age of 4 like... I cant stress how much it have ruined my self image #Ive tried to build confidence in myself and love myself since my teens and i can barely say im 'avarge' without doubting it #Like they also hit me but that's nothing compared to the mental torture i had to go through on an almost daily basis #Funniest thing is that bc it happened/started when i was so young i didnt think it was... Bad or weird or abnormal. #I started crying when my parents told me to go tell my brothers it was dinner time. I was terrified of knocking on their doors #I still to this day 20 years later am still incredibly uncomfortable and anxious talking with them and i havent been able to make much of #An relationship with them bc of it. Im scared to say anything to them even if its simple shit. And men/boys in general ive thus been #Terrified of since i was young. Once again i thought it was normal to mistrust and be scared of men until i was in my teens #I wish i could hate them i wish i could be angry i wish i had someone to blame #But no my brain is too nice and give excuses to them. Their actions are excused. They have ruined me mentally but thats not their fault #Fuck that might be true but they were still 6 and 11 years older than me. I didnt have a chance to protect myself in any way #I wish someone saw i wasnt okay. I wish someone understood that i wasnt well. I wish someone saw me. #Negative #Abuse