#I wish i could hate them i wish i could be angry i wish i had someone to blame

[crookenbeer]

! Matt was SO RIGHT in this scene btw !

I remember when a 'certain group of people' got mad at Matt for this scene....when he literally has every right to be pissed off?? That certain group of people feels like Matt needs to baby Karen's feelings or else he's 'mistreating her' lmao they are so CRINGE. Matt literally had every right to be pissed off for Karen's ill-advised decision (which Foggy also thinks was ill-advised).

For someone who gets mad at Matt for being reckless, Karen sure does make sure to do the most reckless thing possible at every turn 😁 I guess to that certain group of people only Karen is allowed to be reckless. And that everyone around her should treat her like a baby when it comes to her feelings and Matt and Foggy has no right to call her out, but she can call everyone out at any time lmao!

Matt Murdock you were so right to be angry in this scene, you're a real one and not a spineless fuck like someone and tells things like they are. They could never make me hate you 😙

I wish someone could tell that certain group of people that Karen is a grown woman. They think she should be babied at every turn and that's why "[redacted] is the right man for her" Like eww what an ick. Treat the grown woman like a grown woman maybe? They just want her to be given positive affirmations at every turn and get praised for her bravery even when it literally gets people killed 💀

Btw that certain group of people use this scene as an evidence that "Matt is an asshole and mistreats her" 🤣 telling the truth and calling dumb shit out is being an asshole now I guess. This is the same Karen whose 80% of screentime is calling people, particularly Matt out btw.

Like they cannot give a legitimate reason as to why Matt isn't allowed to be mad in this scene other than "because it hurts Karen's precious feelings" lmao. Well sorry not sorry if you're hurt over him keeping it real. And let's not forget he did SAVE Karen's life (for the 3rd time this time) but I guess he is not permitted to be pissed off or feel some anger and emotions according to #THEM

#oh matt murdock the truth spiller that you are #'they' call you an asshole i call you a real one with a spine to tell a grown woman what she did was dumb #a REAL MAN and not someone who just brainlessly gives positive affirmations to someone who DOESNT deserve it #daredevil #matt murdock #karen page

[illdowhatiwantthanks]

The Kumquat (The Surprise, Part 4)

Emily Prentiss x fem!reader Warnings: pregnancy times, established relationship, fluff on fluff on fluff, some references to past sexual trauma (nothing graphic), a Pap smear (aka the WORST medical exam and I will stand by that) Word Count: 1.4k

Summary: It's Emily's first non-local case since finding out you were pregnant, and you're both struggling. Especially because it means she'll have to miss you first prenatal appointment–and the first sound of your baby's heartbeat. Maybe there's still a way to share the moment, though...

Week 10: The Kumquat

Your heart beat wildly as you pulled into the parking lot of the OBGYN’s office. You wiped your sweaty palms on your jeans and checked your phone. Nothing. You groaned and rubbed your forehead.

You had a hard time with doctors, particularly with gynecologists–a stubborn remnant of past trauma. Emily knew that. Emily knew it was your first appointment and that you’d be scared. She’d wanted to come along; she would have asked all the questions you'd forget.

But duty called. It always did. You’d gotten lucky over the last month since finding out you were pregnant. The BAU hadn’t caught any huge cases and, even the cases they did catch had been local enough that Emily still made it home to you most nights. But, of course, your luck had run out.

You were angry with Emily for leaving, but you knew that was unreasonable. This is what you’d signed up for. Her job was important to her. It was important to you. The fact that she was so passionate about and dedicated to her team and the work they did was one of the things you loved most about her. You were always sad to see her leave and, yes, sometimes frustrated when she had to miss things you’d planned together, but at the end of the day, you knew she loved you, and that was all that mattered.

But this time. This time you were struggling. You tried not to take it out on Emily too much; it wasn’t her fault that your hormones were going wild. You were more everything than usual. More angry at her for leaving, more sad while she was gone, more terrified of going to the doctor.

You glared at your message-less phone for a few minutes before taking a deep breath and texting Emily.

Headed into the OBGYN🤞 I wish you were here. Be safe love 💗

You waited a few minutes with no response, taking a deep breath to swallow your rage. For all you knew, she could be in a bulletproof vest trying to talk down a murderer right now. She loves you, you reminded yourself. If she could be here, she would.

In the office, you were assaulted with the smell of rubbing alcohol and Lysol. You filled out what felt like a full novella of personal and family medical history. When they finally called you back, you felt like a science experiment–poked and prodded and measured. When the doctor pulled out the stirrups, you flinched.

“Is that necessary?” you asked.

She nodded at you. “Sorry. It’s just been long enough since your last Pap smear that I’d rather be safe than sorry.”

You hated it. Hated the whole process, you always did. It was painful and invasive and it made you remember things you’d really rather not remember. Emily usually went with you, to let you squeeze her hand and to whisper that it was okay, you were safe.

You clenched and felt tears prick at your eyes as the cold metal forced its way into you. Hands gripping at the paper covering the seat, you tried your very best to imagine Emily’s voice, her face, the smell of her hair. And you tried not to feel too furious that she wasn’t there. It’s not her fault, you repeated like a mantra.

They took some blood, they asked about running tests to screen for the baby’s health.

“Yes,” you said. “Run all of them.”

“The good news,” the doctor continued, “about these tests is that you also get to find out the gender earlier if that’s something you want.”

You knew you’d need to talk to Emily about it, but part of you didn’t want to know. Emily stubbornly calling the baby he, so sure was she that it was a boy, and you calling the baby she out of pure spite, had become an endearing part of your pregnancy to you. You might just rather be surprised.

“Now for the fun part!” the doctor said, clapping her hands together. “Would you like to try and find the heartbeat?”

Your stomach fluttered with excitement. “Really!? Isn’t it too early?”

“Sometimes we can hear it early with Doppler.”

You nodded vigorously, lifting up your shirt. It was the only time in your life you’d voluntarily had a doctor examine you.

She pressed the device to your lower belly, searching for sound. You waited rapt, barely breathing, so scared were you that you’d miss it.

But then: a whooshing sound and a quick, urgent, pattering heartbeat. Your baby’s heartbeat. You grinned wide.

“That’s her?” you asked, giddy.

The doctor nodded.

You felt like crying, from pure joy, but also because you wished Emily was here. She would be so sad, so sad, to have missed this. But maybe you could bring the heartbeat to her.

You took out your phone. “Can I record this?” you asked. “I want to send it to my wife.”

“Of course,” the doctor said.

You pressed the record button on your Voice Memos, and recorded a good thirty seconds of the baby’s heartbeat, knowing that Emily would listen to it again and again and again.

When you finally left the office, proud of yourself, you hopped in the car and checked your phone. Still nothing. You sent off another text to Emily.

Must be a hard day. ❤️Here’s something to cheer you up! 👶🏻🫀I miss you. Call when you can.

Later that night, as you lay in bed reading, your phone started buzzing. You smiled wide. Emily.

“Good evening, Agent Prentiss,” you joked.

��The heartbeat!” she squealed, so loud you had to hold the phone away from your ear.

You grinned and gushed. “Isn’t it the most beautiful heartbeat you’ve ever heard!?”

“Yes! After yours, of course.”

“Wow, you’re laying it on thick.”

“I’ve got a lot to make up for.” Emily sounded genuinely sad. “Honey, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”

“It’s okay,” you said, most of your anger dissipating the moment the words I’m sorry left her mouth.

“It’s not okay. I should’ve been there. You hate going to the doctor, and it’s our baby. It’ll get easier after we tell my team. Then I can take a step back.”

“It’s really okay, Em.”

She sighed, and you could tell there was nothing you could say that would alleviate her guilt. She’d carry it with her until she was home again, until she could scoop you up and hold you and take care of you the way she wanted to.

“Was everything okay? With you and Little Kumquat?”

“Kumquat looks good. Healthy as a horse. I–” You thought about the Pap smear, the taste of metal seeping into your mouth. “I’m okay, too.”

“You’re lying.” Emily’s voice shifted, now deep and concerned. “Y/N, what happened?”

“I’m not lying!” Sometimes you really hated being married to a profiler.

Emily grew more panicked. “Is something wrong? Honey, do I need to come home?”

“No! Em, it’s just…” You sighed, picking at your fingernails. “They had to do a Pap smear.”

The line was quiet for a moment before Emily spoke, her voice thick with emotion. “Oh, honey. Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you answered, shaky, afraid if you tried to say more you might start crying.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I know how hard those are for you.”

You stayed quiet, willing yourself not to cry. Emily felt guilty enough; you crying would make it ten times worse.

“Listen, I’m at a hotel tonight, okay? I’ll have my phone by me all night. I know sometimes you get nightmares after, so just call me if you wake up, okay?”

“Emily, you don’t have to do that,” you said softly. “You need sleep.”

“I won’t sleep one wink if I’m worried about you all night, so promise me you’ll call.”

“Okay. I promise.”

“Thank you. Ugh, Rossi’s waving me over. I gotta go, but I love you so much, and I miss you every second, and I can’t wait to get home to you.” 

“I love you, too.”

You slept with your phone on the pillow next to you that night, and it wasn’t the same as having Emily there, especially when you woke up gasping in a cold sweat. But her voice lulling you back to sleep was pretty close, and you were so, so glad to have her–even from far away.

#emily prentiss #emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss x fem!reader #emily prentiss drabble #emily prentiss fluff #emily prentiss fanfic #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic

[funnywormz]

I think this shitshow with Toshiro stems from the trend of people INSISTING that interpersonal conflict must be a moral failing. Like I think there's something to be said about how people afford so much less patience to people who are autistic in the "wrong" ways, but also Laios and Toshiro just clash on a fundamental level that has nothing to do with that. Hell, you could read Toshiro as autistic as well. People related to Laios' side of the argument but instead of getting any nuance out of it they started projecting their experiences with ableist people onto Toshiro.

AGREE AGREE AGREE. i think that Fandom Brain gets people very used to thinking of conflicts in terms of "who is the bad guy and who is the good guy", so when they encounter a more nuanced conflict they don't really know what to do. i don't think toshiro is a bad person at all, in his conflict with laios he's just exhausted and starving and has been pushed to the limit and from his perspective, laios doesn't even seem that emotionally affected by the situation. i don't think what he said was right and it was pretty cruel, but i don't think he's a villain or deserves to be permanently hated as a character just bc he fucked up this time lol

also yeah you could definitely read him as autistic, and i think that highlights an issue in the autistic community in general bc like....... a lot of autistic people have conflicting needs which can lead to conflict between them/make them unable to stand being around each other. and it's not because either of them are neurotypical or bad people, they're just incompatible. like autistic people who loudly stim vocally and autistic people who meltdown when they have to be around loud noises, for example. it doesn't mean either of them is bad or not autistic, just that they have conflicting needs

i 100% agree with the last part too. i disliked toshiro at first myself bc i had been (and still do ngl) projecting onto laios hard and the conflict they had reminded me of times when people have been mean or angry at me irl for social blunders i've made unintentionally, or when someone i thought liked me/was my friend turned out to actually hate me. it's a common experience for autistic people and that scene resonates with that! but i think it also helps to take a step back from projecting our own traumatic experiences onto the scene and just look at it objectively. laios isn't perfect either and he's the one who actually starts the physical fight by slapping toshiro (i feel like i don't see many people mention this lol). i feel super bad for him in that scene but he's not a perfect victim and has done things wrong himself too

as an autistic person i've also been in situations where i can relate to toshiro too lol, like where someone is overly physically and emotionally familiar with me when we don't know each other well and i've wanted them to back off but haven't been sure how to say it without hurting their feelings. this kind of conflict is far from just being a "neurotypical vs neurodivergent" thing as a lot of people portray it in the fandom

idk i just wish people would think a little more deeply about the scene and put their own emotions and experiences aside to instead consider the conflict with the added context of the individual characters and their respective cultures + the situation they're in. people don't have to like toshiro but i wish they wouldn't paint him as a villain or make up awful shit about him just to justify their feelings when he isn't even that bad of a dude in canon yknow 😑. also we literally see him at rock bottom struggling and freaking out and i think that's important to remember. in a different context i doubt he would have ever said those things to laios

#dungeon meshi #laios touden #toshiro nakamoto #ask #tysm for the ask btw!

[jankwritten]

Jasico Bingo Challenge: love letter

A sheet of paper, folded into thirds, dotted in places with what must be water and grass stains. The handwriting is legible in some places, and shaky in others. In the margins are small doodles of birds, clouds, trees, and other miscellaneous, abstract shapes, as if the writer’s mind kept wandering. 

TO: Nico di Angelo 

FROM: Jason Grace 

Hey, Nico. If you’re reading this, something probably happened to me. Maybe I hit my head again and lost my memories, or something, and you went through my stuff to try and find things to remind me of who I was. Maybe this fell out while we were hanging out, one day, and you saw it was addressed to you and you picked it up. Maybe I died—

However you found this, I guess, surprise! :) 

First thing’s first: I’m sorry for leaving. I know I begged you to stay, and then turned around and left, and I really hope you understand - I didn’t leave because of you. I needed to find Leo, and leaving with Piper was the easiest way to do that. I had to try and get him back. 

I wanted you to come with, but you were still healing and things were going really well with you and Will. I hope things still are, in fact. Wherever I am, I’m so proud of you for how far you’ve come, and how much I’m sure you continued to grow even after I left. 

I really love you, man. I never got to tell you that, but you’re one of my best, closest friends. You mean so much to me. You showed me a side of the world that I never would’ve seen otherwise, and gave me a space to be myself, and I will never, ever know how I deserved that. How I deserve you. 

Is that out of left field? Haha it definitely is. Sorry. 

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Nico. I didn’t want to leave. I’m so sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry I had to go and I’m sorry it had to be me, but it couldn’t be her, Nico, it can’t be her, it can’t be. It has to be me. 

It has to be. 

Here, some of the words are smeared from the water marks. Lines cross through some words that have then been re-written, as if in after-thought the author realized they were too important to delete. 

If you really are reading this, after the worst case scenario, I understand if you’re angry. I understand if you never want to think about me again, after what I’ve done. I’ll understand if you storm to your father’s palace and demand I be placed in the worst of the worst punishments for being so stupid. 

Gods. Gods, Nico, I’m never going to get to tell you how I really feel. About all of this, about everything I’m going through, I’m never going to be able to tell you and that hurts. It hurts more than knowing I’m going to die, it hurts more than getting stabbed and poisoned. I’m going to die loving you and you won’t even know until it’s too late. 

Maybe this is a stupid bad idea. Maybe I should let it die with me. Is it cruel, to tell you how I feel if I’m gone? Does this make me an awful person? 

Shit. I think I’m an awful person, Nico. I’m awful and I’m selfish and I can never choose things for myself, it always has to be for the greater good, so this is it. This is as selfish as I can be. This is all I can be for you. 

I want to see you on the other side. I want you to punch me for getting myself killed and hate me for being a hero and I want you to know that I didn’t want this but it needed to be me. It has to be me. 

I’m still wrapping my head around it, but it has to be me, okay? So if I’m really gone when you’re reading this, okay, you have to let me stay gone. Please. If you get hurt, if you die, and it’s my fault, I could never— 

Here, the letter abruptly stops. Then, it continues: 

That’s all I wanted to say, anyway. That I love you. I love you in any way I can, and even if I’ve done it silently, and stupidly, from a distance, just know that it was there, the whole time. It’s still there, wherever I am. Dead, or lost, or whatever. I love you, Nico. I’m sorry.

-- Jason Grace :)

#jasicobingochallenge2024 #love letter #tw major character death ment #tw suicidal ideation #i haven't read TOA so I don't really know what Went Down with this shit but I think Jason did journal-type letters to people #he wrote down whatever it was he wished he could say to them before he died #I think there's one to Piper about how much he loves her and wishes things could've been different for them #I think there's one to Leo where Jason pours his guts out about how much he hates him and needs him and wishes he hadn't died #(the irony of that is lost on him) #he writes one to Reyna about how he wishes they had more time to be friends again #He writes one to Hazel begging her to keep an eye on Nico. pleasing for her forgiveness because he knows she'll be so angry #one to Percy and Annabeth in a similar vein. #i thik Jason just had a lot of feelings that he never let himself feel until he decided to die for everyone #and in that moment his dams broke and he realized that he was never going to have the chance to be himself #not really #he was destined for this. he was destined to be the son of jupiter champion of hera sacrifice of olympus. #who knew the boy raised by wolves was really a lamb for the slaughter #ANYWAY. :) #pjo #jason grace #hoo #nico di angelo #jasico

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

shoutout to those nights where the brain says We Literally Cant Do Anything Even Though We Really Want To <3

#brain: we want to do something! #okay! awesome! lets- #brain: NO DO!! only want #cant scribble. cant write. cant read #and so i sit here alternating between staring at several different screens & also the wall #idk if its brain fog or what #it feels like im in waiting mode.... #what am i waiting for!!! i would like to know!!! #absolutely unprompted #stg im gonna end up rewatching good omens while grinding for pier fish on acnh #angry at myself for not doing Literally Anything Else!! #i cant even think about my blorbos bc nothing coherent is going on upstairs #its just vague feelings and images and AUGGGH #i hate nights like this!! can i unsubscribe!!! can i opt out!!! #there are several Important Things i need to get done!! why cant i do them!!! #i wish i had some sort of large fruit i could split open and devour To Cope w this smhhhhh #at least then id be doin something... #for once i have the energy but i cant funnel it into anything. sigh

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?

#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry #when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister #but so easy literally everywhere else #I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person #I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents. #even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home #but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now #Lu rambles #can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn #bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister #bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me #the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW #that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone #so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to? #and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!! #ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.

[kaladinkholins]

i love being southeast asian.

despite whatever unhappy history, despite the rise of ethnonationalism and racism in our countries; despite the fact that most of us remain in the global south under the invisible thumb of western empires and conglomerates, exploited by rich expats and beg-packers; despite the conservatism, the bigotry, the pain and prejudice and the corruption.

despite all that, i love where i am from. this is my home.

my hands tenderly trace the lines of our history and find within it a colourful collection of influences that continue to shape us until today:

the native malays, javanese, sundanese, minangkabau, bugis, visayan, tagalog, and other dominant peoples.

alongside indigenous tribes like the iban, kadazan, sama-bajau, temuan, penan, jakun, and hundreds upon hundreds more ethnic groups.

all of us holding onto our ancestors' mysticism and spirituality and animism, the watchful gaze of legacy fixed on us as we move through an ever-changing and modernising world (and what is modernity anyway? isn't civilisation overrated?).

and then the chinese peoples. the hainanese, hokkien and cantonese and more, many of whom came here due to trade in the pre-colonial era, but then most arrived as the imported labour for the colonial powers.

but this is their home too. we live here together, and through them we all celebrate lunar new year and the mid-autumn festival. all of us give red envelopes during our many festivals. we give oranges that symbolise prosperity and ring in the year of the rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, goat. we hold lion dance performances in our malls and marks. we eat and exchange mooncakes.

and then the indian peoples, though mostly tamil indians from south india, but also sikhs, malayalis, and punjabis, who arrived and assimilated and spread their culture and beliefs much earlier before the pre-colonial era, causing the indianisation of southeast asia. then more indian peoples came during the colonial era, again, as imported labour, working our fields or donning the uniform of our common oppressors, kept walled away from us despite how alike we look and sound.

because truly we do sound the same. sanskrit remains an abundant source for a large chunk of our languages. i hear the vedic mantras and can pick apart words that sound familiar. hinduism and buddhism still leaves its traces in our cultures even for those of us who've shifted to islam.

and yes, islam. we're not what the west thinks of when they talk about the muslim world, but southeast asia has some of the largest muslim populations in the world. because through trade, since the medieval times, islam came here and with it brought so many arabic influences that has come to shape our languages and customs, with plenty of our cultures having since been morphed around islamic beliefs and ideas. in malaysia and indonesia and brunei (and perhaps even certain parts of the philippines) you'll find a mosque or a prayer room everywhere you go. and every ramadan millions of us fast, every eid all of us dress up and visit each other's houses for feasts and festivities.

then of course came european colonisation at the hands of the portugese, dutch, british (in malaysia and indonesia's case we got all three), spanish, and french their reigns lasting over 400 years. and from them we came european culture and more new languages, english quickly becoming a second language (or even a first language) for so many of us, missionaries building churches and spreading the word of jesus christ as the son of god; with their fair features they draw a line between us and them, between the civilised and the barbarians, between the light-haired light-eyed and the unruly dark-haired dark-eyed.

and then comes world war 2 and the japanese invasion, and for most it was so brutal and violent, and for the rest it was miserable, with famine and inflation but we were forced to sing songs in japanese anyway, to watch their planes fly in the sky towards their enemies, to swallow their ideas in our parched throats.

and then the war ended and wounds began to heal, and then came the 1980s until now with all its shiny technology: nintendo, panasonic, television and anime, and now we have leagues of people learning japanese language and culture anyway, except now it is done wholeheartedly, and as it turns out japanese isn't even that different from our own cultures anyway. houses on stilts made of wood with thatch roofs, making our living from the sea and coast, eating rice for every meal, our phonetics and theirs so alike.

and today we have waves of their expats migrating here because of course they do, we're the Global South™ and for them it's cheap and affordable, so we have little japans sprouting here and there and sometimes i go to a random street and find signs written in japanese and read bits of broken hiragana.

and it's beautiful, being able to move through this world and find the handprints we've all left upon it. it's a wonderful amalgam of so many traditions and colours and beliefs and language all mixing around in this huge bubbling melting pot.

and i'm not chinese or indian or arab or british but when i see them on tv, i'm also seeing a part of me, i hear the words in their tongue and i recognise them as mine, i eat their food and know them as intimately as my own.

but of course our politicians, our kings and our prime ministers (and the divide-and-conquer rule of colonisers now gone) continue to divide us and make us hate each other, fanning flames of distrust and fear of that-which-is-different.

it's such a shame too, because it's so special. it's what makes us us, our dozens of creoles, the way we can speak a sentence comprising vernacular from at least four languages and we all understand each other anyway.

we have a word in malay, "rojak", which is also the name of a dish that mixes a bunch of different ingredients, and is found in malaysian, indonesian and singaporean cuisine. but where i'm from, we also say "rojak" to mean anything that's an eclectic mixture of things, things that seemingly don't go together and aren't necessarily pleasing to the eye but still, somehow, it works, in fact it tastes good, spicy and flavourful and hearty.

and that's us: southeast asia, all of it, a beautiful rojak culture. and it's ours.

#writeblr #people of color #writers on tumblr #writers of color #writing #southeast asia #asian culture #i woke up today and started feeling so many things. i looked around and felt full of love. #but i go on social media and it makes me angry and sad to see how much everyone hates each other #my love is not for what it is but what it could be #lots of my friends wish they could leave. emigrate to australia or UK or US. but even if i could i wouldn't. #this is my home. there is nowhere else. #when i was teaching and i saw those kids' faces it cemented it for me even more. #like if not for anything else i'll stay. i'll do it for them. carve out a community for them. for us. #shut up haydar #scribblings.txt

[craycraybluejay]

Btw if u steal from the poor, ur going to superhell no matter what 😇 hope that helps

#super hell #next time someone tries to steal from me i am going to fucking smack them with the nearest hard and heavy object #idc if u want it or u think ur just being prankster either. leave MY STUFF ALONE #literally go get a concussion so at least ur too sick to put ur dirty hands on other ppls stuff. #i fucking hate people sometimes #what gives you the right #the audacity #to take what isnt yours and not only that to take it when u likely dont need it from someone who does #ill bash yer fuckin head in if i catch you trying to steal from me DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND????? #jfc i wish i lived in a place where i could defend my shit with a gun. none of these bitches trustworthy. fucking thieves #im so angry im so fucking mad im fucking livid #someone let me hit them pretty pls before i decide to break my wall or my hand whichever goes first #and this wall isnt even my fucking wall cuz i cant afford that either #but oh noooo u dont feel like doing ur job #die die die die die

[wrinkledparchment]

if we meet again, somewhere far away

My dearest, I will not rush to join you in heaven, to stand by your side again.

I will not run to the arms of relief, the sweet embrace of death, to escape this pain.

I will not end my time prematurely, I will not do as you did.

I will take my time, picking flowers in the field, buying every souvenir, eating something new, meeting the people you did not.

I will take my time, in visiting the places that you wanted to go with me, smiling in the sunshine, getting wet in the rain.

I will gather these experiences, photographs, trinkets, flavours, scents, and I will present them to you, when it is all over.

I will empty my pockets before you, and show you what you willingly gave up. I will show you the laughter, the joy, the love, the light, and the sadness, the grief, and the bittersweet.

I will present it all to you, and I will tell you, smiling, "Do you see what you missed?"

And I will sob before you too, and I will ask what I've been wondering all this time, "Why didn't you want to Come with me?"

And I will have to settle for the answer I didn't want, "I didn't know there was such beauty, until you showed it to me."

And I will grab your hands, and I will look you in the eyes. "I could've shown you, if you'd asked." And we will both cry and apologize, finally understanding each other, because we will both know that I was lying.

#tw: suicide and death #someone i knew passed away a long time ago #and no it isn't the anniversary of their passing #it isn't close to their birthday or a special day at all #i miss them every day and not just on holidays and I wish there was an afterlife so I could meet them again and I could tell them #“do you see what you left me with? do you see what you made me do without you?” #and I want to show them the mountains and my university dorm #i want to show them my cats and introduce them to my boyfriend and I want to take them to a field of wildflowers #and I want them to feel the sunshine on their cheeks and that indescribable joy that fills in your stomach #i want them to tell me that they understand why I love living and I want them to love it too #I want them back. I want them to know the sound of rain and the view of sunsets on the ocean and the screams on rollercoasters #and the pain of breakups and the heartbreak and joy of moving away from your parents and I want them to know #I want them to know the first day of high school. I want them to know graduating from middle school. I want them to know and have known #and I am angry that they will never get a second chance because the world is cruel but beautiful #and yet i understand that what would we be if we were given a second chance at life? would we be more loving? #would we be more hateful? #there is only one chance at life. and all I want is that I could go back and I could remind them #this is your one chance. and it gets better #i promise #because i didn't understand the beauty of life until I was without you #i wish i could have shown it to you. and I will spend forever regretting that I couldn't #vent poetry #vent writing #vent poem #poetry #poem #depressing poem #tag: in case you're wondering where i went

[hellhoundlair]

venting sorry. i get emotional thinking of the media both me and my dad loved growing up and the father daughter bonds that were the highlights of those movies and tv shows to him and i feel like i failed

#my dad and i used to watch adventure time together and my dad LOVED simon and marcy and he learnt daddy why did you eat my fries on the #guitar and i used to sing it with him. and one time when i was 14 ish and severely depressed and anxious we had people over #and my dad was talking about adventure time lmao and was getting his guitar and wanted me to sing it with him and i just said NO. #because i was mad at him. and embarassed. and we never sung it together ever again. its been too long now. that window has closed. #but i wish we could #my relationships with my dad never really recovered after my teen years and its hard to talk to him. #i wish i could talk to him. we are really similar. in the bad ways too #vent #SORRY GUYS i need to find a therapist #my family just never talks abt their feelings. or when they do its when theyre angry. i dont feel like i can bring this up to them. #i just hate knowing i rejected my dad like that. he probably saw me not wanting to sing w him as very personal. not that hed ever say it #AND FUCKIN INTERSTELLAR me and my dad both loved interstellar at a time when i was -again- severely depressed and locking myself in my room #and the father and daughter go have scenes that feel very similar to things that were going on in my house at the time. where shes #baracading the door and not letting people in. it rly hit home is what im saying #and my dad loved the movie i loved it too but the family relationships in the movie were never discussed whenever we talked abt it #but for christmas one year my dad gave me a watch. like the one fuckin matthew mcconoughey give his daughter in the movie #and i wear it all the time. it makes me fuckin cry sometimes that stupid fucking watch. but it means so much. #i just wish hed talk abt his fucking feelings so i wouldnt need a watch to know my dad still loves me #also this post is about transitioning and my dad feeling like he lost that father daughter bond with me but we wont get into all that

[why-fucking-bother-anymore]

I swear I've gone through every emotion known to man.... (And then some) today...

#spiteful angry a little happy and proud judgemental upset sad mourning #the list can go on #its been a day #my thoughts #mom went to detox today and will be in recovery for a month #i already feel lighter with her gone #but conflicted because i wasn't there for her #but i couldn't be because she wouldn't let me #and genuinely i didnt want to be because she was simultaneously never there for me #but shes done more for me than i ever could've asked in some ways #but i also never asked to be born wish i was never born and feel like ive never belonged here #like i was meant to be aborted but was born instead #and yet despite it all I'm angry at the world for the cards she was dealt #for the way she was treated as a child #and the way no one was there for her and moved on pretending like all was fine #(some generational trauma she picked up and carried over) #upset at her siblings and friends for never being there for her like she needed (but i also understand that she pushed everyone away and im #In the same boat as them in that sense #but also shes my mother and im her child and shes never been there's for me so how could i possibly know how to be there for her #i hate being understanding because white hot anger and hatred is easier #so much easier #ignorance is bliss frfr #part of me is also proud of her for finally doing this #scared that she might get mistreated at the facility furthering her trauma scared of her relapsing and what that will look like #wanting to be a support fixture for her when she comes back at the end of the month but realistically knowing i cant #spiteful because where is her support system right now? everyone has failed her #spent years enabling and ignoring her #i hope she has a support system or can curate one because it cant be me #it just cant #mother wound

[antbitez]

i hate berlermo.

okay, HEAR ME OUT FIRST!! do i hate the ship? yes. absolutely. does that stop me thinking about them every second of the day? no. i am in so much pain help me.

want to start with talking about berlin. he is a straight man. martín was NOT his bisexual awakening or something. he. is. a. straight. man. they could not work and berlin made that very clear on multiple occassions. he is also an egomaniac. he has so many disorders, and while i dont want to portray him as some heartless monster (because he isn't!! he cares about himself but that doesn't mean he doesnt care about others too!), i find it hard to believe he didn't keep palermo around to mess with him.

the kiss scene between andrés and martín is the root of a large majority of martíns issues. we see throughout the series that palermo is withdraw from his emotions and love, he has attatchment issues, and he has not moved on from berlin even two years later. he hasnt let himself recover from his death, and his loss of a hopeless, unobtainable love. when berlin kissed him, they both knew that would be the last they saw of eachother. they both knew berlin was willing to let himself die (both because of his illness and his love for his brother) during the heist. it left palermo with false hope, that maybe something could have come from it. but there never could have! that is their last interaction, and that is the last thought he leaves with martín. i wholly believe berlin was fully aware what that would do to him, and left with that as a little "you won't be forgetting me :)" because everything with berlin is Him Him Him. without the kiss, martín would have been able to heal so much quicker and easier.

palermo doesn't start to heal until two years later, when he gets involved in the bank heist. up until that point he blames sergio for the "love of his life"s death, but slowly comes to realise that this group of people that berlin died for are the most caring people. he begins to understand it. they are hurt, they have losed loved ones too, they are risking everything for a loved one. they are so much like him. does he make mistakes? YES! so does everyone in the group, but it is in his nature to stir trouble when he doesn't get his way. did his actions have awful consequences because of that? unfortunately, yes! but he regrets them. he is forgiven, even by those he probably shouldn't be forgiven by!

by the end martín is so much more in touch with his emotions, he realises that he doesnt have to settle for unobtainable love, and he can be loved unconditionally. he went into the bank heist for berlin, but came out of it with so much more. palermo would not have been in the place he was in by the end of it if andrés was still around.

money heist was so refreshing to watch as a queer person. queer relationships were not perfect. i understand the appeal of berlermo, i really do, but they are so unhealthy. i understand the need to cling onto any sort of gay rep because its so scarse in mainstream media, but there is so many queer stories in this show, and none of them are appreciated as much as berlermo, which i find kinda weird!! why is a relationship with a gay man and a straight man more adored than helsinki and palermo? two gay men who helped eachother through SO MUCH! what about the beautiful platonic soulmate relationship between helsinki and nairobi? what about the amazing transwoman, who was such a genuine representation of some trans struggles? please stop prioritising the cishet in queer stories. berlin is so important to so many characters, especially martín, but him as a love interest to martín shouldn't be the main focus in his story, because his whole arc was getting over him and moving on. in reality, he made martín the most unhappiest he had ever been.

#palermo is so important to me #if you couldn't tell #wish he was more appreciated #he is such a complex character and i just see so much hate for him (on tiktok) #money heist #lcdp #palermo lcdp #berlin lcdp #martin berrote #andres de fonollosa #long post #i dont mind people liking them #i just want people to understand they are really unhealthy #im kinda tired of the few posts i see abt money heist be abt berlin and acting as if hes not incredibly problematic #again! dont mind that people like him #i enjoy his character #just he's very hateable imo #hopefully this makes sense #im kinda tired #theres so many relationships that are healthy #yes they go through problems but that Is healthy #berlermo is just one big problem #i love doomed queer romance just #kinda bored of seeing ppl talk about them like they could be a thing #and the only thing stopping them is andrés death #kiss =/= genuine love #sincerely an angry gay aroace guy

[tittysuckersworld]

once again asking begging for a rival

#like fuckkk #i wanna beat someone up and get beat up by someone. but like. erotically but not? yknow???? #i want to be treated wholely as a person and hated for no reason. i just want to hate someone and be mean to someone without reason #i want to not be treated like a delicate little flower for once! i want to be able to show my emotions insted of constantly repressing them! #i want to get bloody noses and broken lips and black eyes and bruises to litter my body not from my own direct doing #i want to be on the same level with someone. on the same level enough to be able to hate eachpther but take care of eachother #i want to love the hate i could have for someone #or just fuck- i want to be treated either as a person or as something wholely not. one or the other just not pityed #hate being soft spoken and frail and get talked over and just constantly feel like a girl in worst ways #i want to cry and be angry with someone that can cry and be angry with me #i cant love but fuck if i dont want smth close to it. am have soft sweet amazing boyfriend but at same timd i just. #i want to hurt someone and have someone hurt me just to feel something more. i keep saying this but i wish when i wasnt programed #by government to be convinient for them. to be convinient to those around me. i want to feel and be angry again. #i have a right to be upset for everything thats happened to me and those i care for and should be allowed to say it. #fuck man- i just want someone to kick me when im down physically and be there for me silently when neex #need someone to punch me for being a doofus. fuck fuck i just want someone that will treat me like a equal on a level. #i want to be hurt like im strong. i want to hit and punch and kick and be allowed to be violent #its not healthy to hold in but im forced to for others and i hate it. i like being nice i dont want to be mean #but i also just so badly want to be violent. to be able to express pain and hurt and feel like i should. like wish could. its not fair #anyways vent rambles sryyy- #vent #tw vent #in tags but yee #want to be hurt and hurt someone else on equal healthy consensual level yk?

[mrfoox]

The fact I refuse to confront/inform the people who have basically ruined my mental state and my ability to function bc that would make them feel bad is honestly bonkers

#miranda talking shit #I cant say id be having a good and normal life if i wasnt abused as a young child but im 90% sure I'd not have this must trouble #Id still have my autistic and add problems but my anxiety and depression would definitely be a lot better #Its... Insane. That my older brothers probably have no idea how much they have actually ruined my life/mental state from such an earlh age #As 4 yrs old... Hell they might not even remember it or even think it was a 'big deal'. I know my second oldest brother probably falls into #The latter. I know now that they both most likely have undiagnosed adhd/autism and they used me as a way to act out/feel better #But being told youre stupid. Fat. Ugly. Useless from the age of 4 like... I cant stress how much it have ruined my self image #Ive tried to build confidence in myself and love myself since my teens and i can barely say im 'avarge' without doubting it #Like they also hit me but that's nothing compared to the mental torture i had to go through on an almost daily basis #Funniest thing is that bc it happened/started when i was so young i didnt think it was... Bad or weird or abnormal. #I started crying when my parents told me to go tell my brothers it was dinner time. I was terrified of knocking on their doors #I still to this day 20 years later am still incredibly uncomfortable and anxious talking with them and i havent been able to make much of #An relationship with them bc of it. Im scared to say anything to them even if its simple shit. And men/boys in general ive thus been #Terrified of since i was young. Once again i thought it was normal to mistrust and be scared of men until i was in my teens #I wish i could hate them i wish i could be angry i wish i had someone to blame #But no my brain is too nice and give excuses to them. Their actions are excused. They have ruined me mentally but thats not their fault #Fuck that might be true but they were still 6 and 11 years older than me. I didnt have a chance to protect myself in any way #I wish someone saw i wasnt okay. I wish someone understood that i wasnt well. I wish someone saw me. #Negative #Abuse

[doperel]

ventie in tags

#isnt that really wonderful having a major surgery that greatly effects your physical and mental health tomorrow and literally almost none of #your friends say anything about it to you #in the main server i talk in wirh just friends they literally didnt even respond #and went straight to talking about their lives #fucking thanks guys really making me feel seen and listened to #ive gotten more messages from my old guildmates on wow wishing me luck for surgery than i have any of my friends #and thats fucking 3 messagss #it really really huets and makes me super upset #i have literally had a fucking countdown going for this that multiple people have seen and still nothing #it honestly feels like a majority of the people i talk to could care less considering #none of them talk to me unless i initiate a conversation #i feel incredibly alone with this and i just want someone to talk to thatll listen to me #i cant even fucking get into any support groups near me because theyre all fucking dead links or dont exist anymore #endometriosis has been the most isolating experience of my life #i just want somebody to talk to thats it #im miserably lonely and i hate it #and im getting to be more and more angry and bitter about it because of the lack of care i recieve from #people who i consider friends #ever since i first got endo my friends have dwindled in number so much #if its not fucking me making the plans and going out people just do not fucking care #and the fucking people i was close with ended up using me for fucking sex and making me their therapist while dealinf with this #it feels a lot like people dont want me unless they can date me or i pay to do things with them #i legit feel like the last crumbs in the bowl

[bo0zey]

manic mixed depressive episode on my bday is so fun especially when ur going on 2 days no sleep n have a 12hr shift starting at the asscrack of dawn in 6hrs

#idk if i want to sleep like i do but i don’t i just keep walking in circles n staring off blankly #also bursted into tears for no reason bc i missed my mom and remembered how much i hate my fucking birthday #was in the middle of a borderline argument w my family then just zoned out n glanced at the time and tears welled #6:13??? #then i pretended to go to the bathroom to hide my tears from my dad cuz he would’ve yelled at me if i went to my room w/o saying anything #so there i am crying like a pathetic loser on the toilet trying to suppress n swallow down ugly sobs #and there i am crying in my dumpster fire of a room on the floor #i literally go the entire year without crying abt her but every time december hits i always get into this weird funk #and idk why it’s still happening it’s been 7 years #i think my subconscious mind is influencing my body to release the trauma stored inside it bc i was never allowed to grieve her properly #so now in blips of time leading up to my birthday and the next day of her passing i’m 15 turning 16 again #i wish i didn’t have to work tomorrow so i could go visit her at her grave instead like i never go to the cemetery but i really want to #i guess i can go on her actual death day but i don’t want to go with my dad and brothers i just want to be alone #they don’t understand the feeling of losing your mom and best friend on your 16th bday #they don’t understand what it’s like carrying all this guilt and trauma and holding her hand and feeling her hand go limp at my words #i told her it was okay she could let go i would take care of my brothers and protect them from my father and i would be strong for everyone #meanwhile i’m listening to my dad n my aunt throwing all her clothes in trash bags upstairs #i didn’t even get to pick out what clothes i wanted to keep of hers im so angry my dad refused to let any of us miss her #“i miss mom-‘ ‘she’s dead get over it!’ #i got over it alright but then this time of year rolls around and i’m under it all again #i miss her so much i wonder if she’d be proud of me i wonder what it would be like to feel her hand in mine again #ooos im crying again lol #im so pathetic i’m literally 23 in less than 30 minutes why am i behaving like a crybaby child #23:33 when i was typing that btw n 333 is my angel/life path number lol #i wanna saw my arm off but i won’t #i debated staring an iv on myself instead but i’m too drained i just want lay down n cry lol #pathetic loser crybaby girl can’t function can’t shut up making everyone uncomfortable with her sadnes n tears stupid stupid stupid #drown in them and die nobody here loves you anymore nobody cares you’re the problem always the problem #i can’t remember if my mom loved me or not everyone says she did but i forgot what it feels like #i wish i never told her it was okay to let go i lied to her i said i’d be okay but here i am manic depressive