#my mom is doing a 7 day religious fast and i might take part. don’t ask me why i need something in my brain to click and i think it may help
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Wandering Hands Part 1
Hellooo everyone! I hope you are all having a lovely day! SO this is Part 1 of Wandering Hands.
What it is: You and Harry become friends but you come with certain baggage that might make any other man run.
Word count: 6.2k
Warning: death and angst? (lmk if i forgot one!)
Pls reblog if you like it :) Thanks in advance for the support!
~~~
It was a long day after work and you had no one but yourself to worry about tonight. It was Friday, you were at Joe’s, the bar across your apartment. You’d come in regularly. Only about every other weekend. You were drinking your troubles away with a Manhattan. The bar wasn’t too full, it was only happy hour. You heard the bell ding behind you meaning someone walked in. Some man approached the bar as you finished your drink.
“Hello, can I get a glass of your most recommended wine?” You felt him look over at you, “and a refill on whatever she’s having” he paid Joe and sat a stool away from you.
“Thank you, you didn’t have to” you slid your glass away from you.
“No problem, I wanted to” you nodded and watched the tv. Joe served you your Manhattan and the man his wine. You knew it was a glass of his Château Cheval-Blanc because you had had it yourself once. 4 years ago.
“You know, I never understood baseball too much.”
You drank your drink and looked at him from the corner of your eye. Was he talking to you or Joe? You looked around you and you were the only one close enough to hear him and Joe was busy.
“It’s a good sport if you understand it” you shrugged.
“Care to explain it to me?” He moved to the stool next to you.
You swallowed your drink and looked at the screen. You had no interest in getting a good look at the man next to you anyway.
“English?”
“Precisely.”
“The Red Sox and Yankees played in London a few years ago.”
“Wasn’t home.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah”
“Well Um. 9 innings, 3 strikes you’re out. Guy on the circle in the middle? That’s called a mound. His position is a pitcher- “
“Isn’t that what you guys pour juice out of?”
“Yeah we use the same word for a lot of things, don’t interrupt,” he smiled at you, “he’s a pitcher. He throws to the guy across him, the catcher. Catcher signals him what kind of ball to throw in between his legs. He does it based off the batter’s weakness. There’re 4 bases. 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and home. When the batter hits it, he hopes no one in the outfield catches it or it gets out of park. If they catch it while it was in the air he’s out, if they catch it after it’s hit the ground he can run as fast as he can to whatever base is available. But like in order. Oh, also if someone in the outfield catches the ball, they’re gonna throw it to one of the basemen so they can tag the batter running. But if the batter touches the base before they’re tagged then they’re safe.”
He nodded along so you knew he was listening.
“Can I ask a question now?”
You nodded and sipped your drink.
“How do you know it’s a strike?”
“Oh, my bad. See the box on the screen? If it gets in there it’s a strike. Outside the box it’s a no ball but we usually just say ball.”
He nodded and gestured to your drink, “refill?”
“Oh no, I’m good. I need water” He ordered one for you and Joe gave you a knowing look and you just shook your head at him. You two were basically friends now. He’d gotten to know you over the past 4 years. You lived across the street for 5 but you came in 4 years ago. Joe came and gave you your water and you drank it slowly and watched the game. It was Yankees v. Red Sox. The Red Sox made a homer and you shook your head.
“Yankees fan?”
“Yep. We’re in New York. Kind of against the law to be anything else.”
He laughed and sipped his wine. He hadn’t drunken much, he gave you all his attention while you spoke. “My dad was a big Yankee fan. I’ve been one since the day I was born. My mom says she pushed me out and when the doctor put me in her arms the Yankees had won the game. We used to go to a game like every year when I was a kid.”
“Are they as fun as they seem?”
“Even better. During the commercials on tv, sometimes the outfield players play catch with the people on the side or they play a video of the players talking or play a game with the crowd”
“That’s pretty cool,” he put his hand in front of you, “I’m Harry by the way”. You looked at his hand and put yours in it and shook it.
“Y/n” you looked over at him. You finally took a good look at his face. He was gorgeous you couldn’t deny it. He had strong facial features. Short stubble and green eyes. They were bright. Different than your own dark eyes. He made eye contact with you for a few seconds before you turned back to the screen and drank your water.
“If you’re from England, are you here for business or pleasure?” It was New York, people came and went. Travelled. But in your small town about 30 minutes north from the city, no one really came through here unless they knew someone.
“I uh I’ve been here for about a year but I just moved to the area recently. Got a little tired of the city life, but didn’t want to be too far. I work as an editor at Simon & Schuster.”
“Wow. That’s a good job. Hell of a commute I assume?”
“About 1 hour every morning. It’s worth it. Sleep without the sound of horns or sirens”
“True.”
He turned on his stool to face you and you faced him. Your knees were touching.
“So, what do you do?”
“Teach. I’m a teacher. 7th grade social studies. Actually, I taught the Boston Tea party today” you smirked at him and put one arm up on the bar and leaned against your hand and one hand on your knee. Some fingers accidentally touched his knee but your knees were touching. You couldn’t prevent it from happening
“Ahh” he moved a pointed finger at you. You laughed and so did he. He had dimples. Cute. “Such a petty thing if you ask me” he shrugged.
You laughed and shook your head.
“A lot of history is petty.”
“Do you like teaching?” He put himself in the same position as you, his fingers brushing yours too.
“I guess. I love my kids and filling their minds with knowledge but the standards and requirements are a pain in the ass”
“Oh yeah, I’ve heard about that. Not too much freedom”
“Yeah. Like if I want to take them to a museum, I need to find a standard that validates that museum will teach them according to that standard”
“Wow. The museums here are basically free too right?”
“Yep.”
He shakes his head and sips his drink.
“It’s been like an hour and you’re still drinking your wine”
“Well Ms. Judgey, it’s a good wine. I’m savoring it.”
“It is good. I’ve had it. And I’m not judgey. I was just saying it must be warm now.”
“Eh. It’s still chill. Thanks for caring though” he grinned at you.
You rolled your eyes and finished your water.
“When did you have it?”
“Huh?”
“The wine”
“Oh, um four years ago”
“That’s precise”
“It was on an anniversary of something.”
“Wedding anniversary?” He laughed.
“Death anniversary actually.” His face stilled and he became pale.
“Shit I’m so sorry for laughing.”
“It’s okay. You didn’t know.”
“Shouldn’t have assumed.”
You saw him looking at you like he wanted to know who it was but would never dare to ask. You debated telling him. You turned back towards the screen, leaving his knees cold. He felt he had lost any chance he thought he had with you. He liked talking to you.
“Joe, jack and coke please”
He nodded and brought it to you. You chugged it down. Harry put his head in his hands. He had driven you to drink. Yikes.
“It was my husband. He died.”
He lifted his head from his hands and looked over at you. You were a widow. You looked so young. He felt bad you had to go through such pain.
“I’m sorry for your loss”
“Thanks. It was 5 years ago. I’m alright”
He nodded. Too scared to say the wrong thing.
“He was in the service. Died in Iraq.”
“Oh wow…” he was surprised you were opening up to him. Perhaps it was the liquid courage.
“Came with the territory, I guess. We were together for 10 years. Married for 5. Widowed for 5 now. If you’re trying to do the math we were high school sweethearts. Started at 15. Married at 20. He died at 25. Yes, I’m 30.” You drank your leftover water.
“Erm… Wow. Well you look good” he was nervous.
You laughed lightly and said thanks.
“Guess I scared you away now didn’t I?”
“No no! Not at all I just don’t want to fuck up and say the wrong thing.”
“Harry it’s been 5 years I’m good. I’m religious, I coped well”
“Oh okay.”
“Stop being nervous!” You laughed.
“I can’t help it!” He laughed lightly.
“I’ve got a big curveball for you,” you turned to face him and you put your hands on his shoulders as he faced you.
“I see what you did there. Curveball” he tilted his head toward the tv.
“Ooh yeah. I didn’t even notice. Well are you ready?”
“I think?”
“I have a son.”
It was what he thought. Didn’t know if he fully expected it though.
“Okay. Curveball caught? Strike? What’s the big deal?”
“Wait what? You’re not thrown off?” You were shocked. His face barely twitched or showed any surprised expression.
“No?” He shrugged. “It’s a child. I guess I kind of expected maybe something after you said you were together for 10 years.” He finished his wine.
“Fair enough.”
“So, where is he? If you’re here”
“In-laws. They take him every other weekend. Or just from Friday till Saturday.”
“You get along with them?”
You shrugged. “I think they thought I wanted him to sign up for the force. I didn’t. Obviously. It’s a death sentence. I just wanted to support my boyfriend at the time,” He nodded as you spoke, “but they love Sam and are always there for him”
“Sam huh?”
“Samuel. He’s 7”
“Good age”
“Yeah. He’s a lil sarcastic but I blame myself. I could be that way so he’s only doing what he’s learned. But he’s really smart. He’s obsessed with rocks. Been that way since he could walk”
“That’s cute I won’t lie”
“Thanks” you laughed. You liked his company. He was easy to talk to. You had found it easy to open up. He didn’t seem creepy either. Like he just wanted to get in your pants.
“Well it’s been lovely boys, but I have a little boy I have to be up for in the morning. His grandma wants to have brunch”
You stood up and so did Harry.
“Wait let me walk you to your car.”
You lived across the street but he didn’t have to know that. Joe hid his smile when you said “okay”. Harry paid Joe for both of your tabs and walked out with you. It wasn’t too late, 6 pm. You walked to your car and his was coincidentally in front of yours.
“So um. It was nice meeting you. I enjoyed your company”
You fiddled with your keys and looked up at him.
“Yeah I did too.” you said.
“Would it be too forward if I asked for your number?” he was biting the inside of his cheek, you could tell.
Guys had hit on you before. But the wounds were too fresh and Sam was too young. He’s still young but he’s smart, and he knows some days you feel lonely. As much as you convinced him that he was the only man you needed he knew the truth. You liked his company and conversations. So, you said,
“I don’t think so,” you held your hand out for his phone and he placed it in your hand. You put your number in as “y/n 🥃🍷”. Ball was in his court now.
“Cute” you both laughed.
“I’ll text you” he said
“Mhm” yeah. Sure.
“Are you gonna get in your car?”
“Oh, it’s fine you don’t have to wait” please don’t make me get in my car. I live here.
“What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn’t wait until you at least got in to your car?”
Okay you were a little impressed. Fair enough.
“Very true actually. Well bye, Harry”
“Nuh uh. It’s see you soon. I’m serious about texting you”
“Okay” you laughed and got in your car.
He got in his and you waited for him to pull out.
Once he was past the traffic light you got out and went up to your apartment. You called Sam’s grandma the second you got in. He picked up with an ecstatic voice.
“Hi ma!”
“Hi baby, how are you? Everything okay?”
“Yeah! We’re bowling. I’ve gotten 2 strikes!”
“Oh wow. Look at you!”
“Grandpa says dad was good at bowling”
Your heart broke just a little. It bothered you a little when they spoke about him to Sam. You knew he was their son but they didn’t know how much Sam cried sometimes wishing he got to know his dad. You only spoke about him when Sam asked about him or mentioned him.
“Yeah he was actually. When we were younger, we went on a date and he won one round and I won the other. But we were too broke to buy another round so we left it a tie” you laughed at the memory. Just 15-year-old kids.
“You were broken?”
“No sorry hon, I mean we didn’t have enough money to pay for another round”
“Ohh okay.” You forgot sometimes Sam was only seven because he was so smart sometimes.
“Yeah. Well can you put your grandma on for me hon?”
“Yeah okay. I can stay over?”
“Yeah of course. As long as you want to and don’t feel forced to okay?” You knew sometimes he didn’t want to because of how much they spoke about his dad. On those weekends you faked he had a tummy ache.
“Yeah okay. Here’s grandma” he passed the phone to your in-law. You could never say ex. Your husband wasn’t an ex.
“Hello?” Her tone was already unwelcoming.
“Hey, just wanted to confirm we’re still on for 11?”
“Yeah. I haven’t cancelled.” Translation: did I tell you we weren’t going?
“Okay. Sounds great. See you there”
“Okay” she hung up.
“Yeah okay bye. Geez” you slammed your phone on the table and rubbed your temples. She was always so rude to you. When he died, she said it was your fault he left. She apologized for that but it was still something she said. You can’t take words back. You left your phone on the table and went to shower. You just wanted to take a warm shower, relax your muscles, wear some cozy pajamas, drink some tea, and watch friends until you fell asleep. Friends never did you wrong. So that’s what you did. You remember to set your alarm for tomorrow but you also remembered you left your phone on your kitchen table. With a groan because you found the position and you knew you wouldn’t find it again, you got up and got your phone. You saw you had a text from a random number. When you unlocked your phone, the message said
H: Hey, it’s Harry.
You felt bad for making him wait but whatever.
Y/n: hey
You got back into bed, not finding the position again and kept your phone next to you. Your phone lit up about a minute or two later.
H: what’s up? Did you get home safe?
Y/n: oh yeah. Thanks. You?
H: Yeah, I did thanks. So, what’s up?
Y/n: watching friends, you?
H: Same actually. Nick@nite?
Y/n: Yup 😂
H: I’m happy they play this. Especially since Netflix took friends off.
Y/n: Same. Friends is like my bedtime story now. I watch it every night
H: favorite character?
Y/n: I think it depends the season? Like I love Ross in season 9 and I love the rest. I couldn’t pick
H: I agree.
H: Would you want to FaceTime?
You thought about it. Did you want to?
H: We don’t have to if you don’t want to. (Sorry for the spam of messages btw)
You laughed at the last bit.
Y/n: we can FaceTime :)
“Harry would like FaceTime…” you slid your finger across the screen.
“Hello”
“Hey” he smiled into the camera.
“You look cozy” he was wearing a brown robe thing w a hood from what you could see.
“Ooh I am,” he looked up at the tv, “why are birth control commercials so odd?”
They were playing a commercial for lo loestrin fe and the cartoon bought what was supposed to be lingerie and was showing her boyfriend you assume.
“I hated that pill. It was the worst one I’ve ever tried”
“Really?”
“Yeah it made me gain weight and tons of acne”
“It sucks that all that comes with just trying to prevent pregnancy”
“Yeah. You males have it so lucky”
“Well if they came out with a male one, I’d take it”
You laughed a little too loud.
“You think you’d be able to remember?”
“I’d just take it in the morning. Like a vitamin”
You noticed the way he pronounced vitamin. It was a little different. Cute different.
“I used to take mine at night, just before bed. It was easier that way for me”
He nodded at you and the show had come back. You think that maybe that whole conversation was TMI for your first FaceTime call. The episode The One in Barbados. You both laughed at Monica’s hair.
“Kind of didn’t like the whole Joey and Rachel plot line” He said while looking at the tv screen. It was like you guys were together in the same room and his company was nice on this lonely night.
“Yeah same. It was wack” he laughed at that.
“I think I love phoebe”
“Same, Regina Phalange”
“It’s actually princess consuela bananahammock.” He said with a straight face. You cracked up at his little joke and kept watching the tv.
A few hours later and friends was over. You and Harry were basically playing 21 questions.
“any pets?” You asked.
“Nah, I work too long” you nodded.
“Favorite flower?”
“Sunflowers or tulips”
“Interesting choices”
“Thank you” you smiled. You were now in bed laying down against your pillow, “do you live in a house?”
“Yeah. Small but yeah”
“I used to, but a year after he died, I had to sell it. I like the small space better. It’s more homelike for just us 2”
He nodded and listened. “What time is lunch with your in law?”
You liked how he didn’t say ex in laws. It was a small thing but you noticed.
“11:00”
“Oh okay”
“Yeah”
“Y/n, um. I’d like to take you out. On a proper date. But I know you’re probably really busy. So, um do you think you could let me know when you’re free? If you wanted to go out on a date with me that is”
“Yeah sure” you bit back your smile. You had never done this before. Well not after your husband. It would be your first date in 5 years. You just got a good feeling from Harry.
“Oh okay” he was a little shocked.
“If not this week, then the next. Maybe Friday”
“Yeah that’s good with me”
“Well uh, I’m gonna go to sleep Harry. It was nice meeting you today”
“Yeah it was for me too, meeting you. Goodnight. Sweet dreams”
“Yeah thank you. Goodnight” you smiled and hung up. You felt giddy and happy. You looked at your bedside table and it was a picture of you on your wedding day staring back at you. You knew he would want you to move on already. You smiled and contently fell asleep.
~~~
You woke up around 9:45 to give yourself enough time to get ready. It was nice being able to sleep in a bit. Sam was always up by 8. You remembered your conversation with Harry last night. You haven't had a conversation like that in years. You'd just recently decided that you'd be open for a relationship but you weren't on any dating apps or anything either. Going with the flow you guess. You got ready quickly and drove to the restaurant where you were meeting your boy and your in-laws. You stepped out your car and so did they. Sam looked around before running to you. You opened your arms for him and he hugged you tight.
"Ugh my baby I missed you so much last night!" you kissed his forehead.
"I missed you too ma," he kissed your cheek.
You picked him up and spun him around making you both giggle.
"y/n", your mother in law said.
"Lydia, how are you?" She held her purse in front of her as you put Sam down.
"I'm good, you?"
"Good."
Your father in law approached you. He was quieter and more reserved. The loss of his son hit him hard. The two were close. He did watch out for you a bit more than Lydia. Lydia's priority was Sam, William's priorities were you and Sam.
"Hi William, how are you?"
He gave you a hug and you guys walked into the restaurant.
"I'm good. How are you?"
"Good, thank you."
You guys got settled into a booth and you already knew what you all wanted. This wasn’t the first time.
"Sam told me his science teacher is being hard on him," Lydia spoke without looking away from you. She was looking at your clothes and makeup. Seeing if it was up to her standards.
"Yes, he told me too. I already told him what to do."
"And what was that?" Here we go. Here's the thing. Lydia was your husband's mother. When he passed, she wanted to be her grandson's mother as well.
You held in a sigh before speaking. "I told him to work hard during school but if she specifically targets him repeatedly to let me know and I'll handle it."
She nodded and stayed quiet. Thank God.
"Mami, your phone vibrated," Also, your husband was Italian. You were Hispanic so you were trying to teach Sam some of his Hispanic side as his grandparents taught him mostly his Italian side. They more so taught him stuff about the culture and food, but none of the language. They swore they knew it but you've never heard them speak it.
"Thank you for letting me know mijo, but since we're all together I'll check it later." you kissed his head.
You and your husband had done a good job. He was a perfect mix from both of you. He had brown curly hair, like you. Hazel eyes like his dad. Dark eyelashes like you. A button nose like his dad that was covered in freckles like yours. Plump lips like the both of you. The food came and you all began eating.
"We wanted to talk to you about something." you felt Sam put his hand on your knee. Uh oh. He was preparing you for something he knew you may not like.
"Okay, what is it?"
William spoke up, "Well, winter break is coming up and we wanted to take Sam away for a week."
You almost choked on your food. A week? Them? With your son? Were they insane? Okay maybe you were being a little dramatic but what?!
"Um, where?" you tried to seem open about the idea.
"Blue mountain. We would go snow tubing and other things in the snow." Lydia said.
"For a week? Snow tubing for a week? That sounds more like a weekend thing to me." you ate your eggs.
"Well we would look in the town for other things to do obviously," Lydia snickered like you had sounded ridiculous. She better not start with an attitude you thought. She was asking you for a favor not the other way around. So instead of giving her a direct answer, you said "I'll think about it." You needed to talk to Sam if this was something he wanted to do or they wanted to do.
You guys had finished eating and you all eventually said goodbye. Sam wanted to come back home instead of staying Sunday. Sometimes he just wanted extra time with you.
~~~
You were driving home from unsuccessful shoe shopping when you heard Sam's little voice come from the backseat.
"Are you mad?"
"No, I'm not mad. Why would you say that?"
"Because grandma was kind of rude to you when you said it wasn't a week long thing." Every year he became more observant.
"Well I mean I didn't like that but I'm not mad. I don't let your grandmother ruin my mood."
"Okay"
"Do you wanna go?"
"I don’t know… I do but not for a week. That's too long away from you."
Your heart warmed a little and you nodded. "I'd feel that way too."
"Did dad like snow tubing?"
"I'm not sure bud, we never went"
"Oh."
"That doesn't mean you shouldn't go. I went when I was younger with my mom and sister, we made it a girl's trip. It was a lot of fun."
"Really? What if we went just us two?"
"Hm I don’t know bud; I think your grandparents might get sad. I think I can tell them it will only have to be for a weekend and then you and I could go another time. Just us two."
"Umm okay that sounds good. I agree."
"Good." you pulled in front of your building.
"What was dad's favorite season?"
"Fall. He hated the heat, but he hated being too cold. And he'd get the worst allergies in the spring and he had this weird pet peeve for sneezing. It was kind of funny seeing him get frustrated though. He would look like he wanted to rip his nose off." You held his hand as you walked inside. He giggled at what you said. When you both got inside to your apartment you both took off your shoes and sweaters. You had a picture of your husband on a small table by your entrance. Every time you walked in Sam would say "Hi dad!" to it. He asked if he could watch some Disney XD for a bit and you said it was fine. You were going to make some dinner. You checked your phone and saw Harry had texted you. You were a little shocked he kept up with talking to you.
H: Hey, good afternoon. I hope brunch went well :)
y/n: Hey it did, I guess.
H: You guess?
y/n: Eh they want something, felt like a setup?
H: Ah. I get what you mean. Sorry it happened.
y/n: It's alright. I got my boy back so I'm happy.
H: Good. I'd love to meet him someday to be honest. He sounds adorable.
You thought about his text. How would Sam react? He's always saying for you to get a friend but what would happen when you actually did? It made you nervous to think about. You felt your phone vibrate again.
H: Uh sorry if that was too forward.
y/n: No, its fine. It was sweet.
H: Okay good.
"Ma?"
You jumped up slightly like you had been caught doing something bad.
"Who are you texting? You never text this much" he was grinning at you. He was happy?
"Um none ya beeswax"
"It is my beeswax when it's taking time away from you cooking my dinner," you gave him a warning look. Dang smart ass. Gets it from you. He mumbled a "Sorry" and sat up on the stool and leaned on your countertop.
"I made a friend that’s all okay?"
"A guy friend?" he smirked.
You turned to get a pot. "Mhm"
"What's his name?"
"Harry."
"I like that name."
"You would like any name if it meant I had a friend."
He giggled and nodded. "Does he know about me?"
"Of course he does. You think I could not talk about you?"
"Okay okay," he blushed slightly, "Is he nice?"
"Yeah he's pretty nice."
"Are you gonna go on a date?"
"Samuel! He's a friend!" you playfully yelled at him.
"Mom I'm not 5, I know you might want a little BOYfriend"
"Sam you are 7, and how do you even know what a boyfriend is." you were talking to him as you gathered all your ingredients.
"Grandma told me about boyfriends and girlfriends"
"Now what is she doing telling you about that?" you looked at him.
"Well we saw a couple at the bowling alley and they kissed and I said ew and she said it’s because they were boyfriend and girlfriend so she explained what that meant to me."
"Hm, okay." you trusted she gave him a good and appropriate definition.
"Do you have a picture of him?"
"We just met yesterday" you say as you open and close cabinets.
"Does he like baseball?"
"I actually had to explain the sport to him. He's not from here." you started cooking.
"Where's he from? Is he from where dad used to work?"
"No, way off. He's from a place called England."
"Where the Beatles are from!"
"Exactly," you smiled at him. He was a classic soul.
“That’s cool”
“Yeah his voice is different too”
“I wanna meet him” he put his chin in his palm, “It’d be nice to be around another guy that isn’t grandpa.”
“He uh actually said he wants to meet you too but I think we should wait a bit. I think I should get to know him better before you meet him” You stir your pasta in the pot.
“Okay” he tapped your phone screen, “he texted you”
“Thanks, nosey” you took your phone and read his message. You had forgotten to respond.
Y/n: hey sorry was cooking dinner for the hungry boy and I
H: it’s alright. What’s on the menu?
Y/n: pasta. Penne ala vodka with some shrimp. Probably some garlic bread too. Lazy meal
H: lazy? sounds glorious.
You laughed as you texted.
“Oooh he’s making you laugh!” Sam giggled.
You covered your face and told him to go to his room to make sure he had done his homework. Tomorrow you were going to Chuck E Cheese so he wouldn’t have time to do it then.
Y/n: we’ll see how it tastes
H: do you like to cook?
Y/n: I do but I run out of things to cook so I get bored
H: yeah same. I like to experiment though.
You were feeling a little confident and flirtatious
Y/n: maybe you could show me sometime
H: yeah. That’d be fine with me 😊
You bit your lip unsure of what to say. It had been a while since you were back on the flirting scene. You felt your phone vibrate again.
H: are you vegetarian or anything? Gonna think of some ideas from now.
Y/n: I don’t follow any specific diet but I definitely don’t eat a lot of meat. More of a seafood person.
H: gotcha ;)
Y/n: ;)?
H: don’t like it?
Y/n: eh it’s alright 🤷🏻♀️
H: alright?
Y/n: mhmm
H: you’re teasing me, aren’t you?
Y/n: just a lil bit 🤏🏻
H: 😂😂
You finished up cooking dinner and called Sam. He came down quickly and mumbled a small yum.
Y/n: I’ll talk to you later. Gonna eat now.
H: okay 🥰
You served you and Sam plates and you both ate quietly as you watched some tv. You would say you were pretty lenient with Sam. He was very mature for his age and he respected you greatly. He barely gave you a hard time. You think he got that from his dad. His dad always wanted to please you any chance he got.
“Mami, can I sleep in your bed tonight?”
“How come, hon?”
“It’s comfier” you laughed at this because you would say the same thing to your parents when you were younger.
“Okay. But you know you can’t always sleep in Mami’s bed. You gotta sleep in your own some nights.”
“Yeah I know,” he smiled at you.
“Alright. Well can I trust you’ll bathe yourself good tonight? I don’t have to help you?”
“Yes ma, I’ll remember to wash myself good.”
“Okay, remember to get in between your toes and everything”
He nodded at you. You two finished your plates and you sent him off to shower. He kept the door open just in case he needed your help opening one of the bottles. You remembered the first bath you ever gave him. He was so much smaller compared to now and his dad kept complaining about how slippery he was. You were only 23 with a new job and new home but you were both so happy with your little boy. You cleaned up the kitchen and went up to bed where your little boy was already waiting. He had turned on the tv and was watching friends. You showered quickly before getting in bed with him. He cuddled up to your side and laid his head on your chest. You massaged your fingers into his damp curls until you heard him snore lightly. You fixed him onto your other pillow and fell asleep on yours.
~~~
The weekend had ended and you hadn’t heard from Harry. That was before you remembered you were the one who hadn’t answered. It was now Monday afternoon and you were picking up Sam from school. You worked at a middle school just a block away. Sam hopped into your car and told you about his day.
"Can I go to Justin's house tomorrow afterschool?"
"Is Justin's parents okay with this?"
"Yeah, we'll do our homework first too!"
"Alright, you better do it because when you get home I'm checking it all"
"Okay!"
You guys walked into your apartment and Sam went up to shower. That was the routine after school. He showers while you make a snack, after that he comes down and eats while you shower, you grade papers while he does homework, and then if he's done you let him watch some Disney channel while you make dinner. This is exactly how your evening rolls out and you decide to text Harry.
y/n: hey sorry. Busy day yesterday. You wanted me to let you know when I was free and I'm free tomorrow after 3...
You stop typing, "Sam, until when are staying at Justin's?"
"Until like 6? He said his mom was gonna cook"
"Okay," you continue typing,
y/n: Hey sorry. Busy day yesterday. You wanted me to let you know when I was free and I'm free tomorrow after 3 until like 6. I know its late notice so no worries if you're not free too.
You finish cooking, eating, and cleaning and you still hadn't heard from Harry. He was probably mad at you now. You sighed aloud and thought well it was nice while it lasted. You went over Sam's homework with him and then made sure he brushed his teeth before bed. You tucked him in and gave him a kiss on his forehead.
"Goodnight my love," you pushed his hair back off his forehead.
"Goodnight mami, goodnight dad" he blows a kiss toward the picture of him and his dad on his bedside table.
You walked out his room leaving his door ajar and walked down to your room. You grab your book and climb into bed. It was the book from Jane the Virgin. You related to Jane in multiple ways. As you were becoming a part of the fictitious world of the character Josephine you felt your phone vibrate.
H: Banzai, 3:30pm, Be there or be square.
You smiled at his assertiveness. It was kind of cute.
H: If that's okay with you.
y/n: Yes, that's fine lol😂😂
He could never be too serious you thought.
H: watching friends?
y/n: actually reading.
H: what are you reading?
y/n: snow falling, it’s from a show and stuff.
H: look at the publishing company
You looked and sure enough it was Simon & Schuster. Wow.
y/n: Wow lol, I never noticed.
H: I've read it, it's pretty good. More of a girly book, I think.
Y/n: I can’t imagine you reading this tbh.
H: it was a hard manuscript to get through. Kept me on my toes.
You continued texting and before you knew it, it was 2 in the morning.
y/n: wow its 2am.
H: I know. Time flew. You're so easy to talk to.
y/n: I could say the same about you.
H: I'm excited for later
y/n: so am I, free food.
H:😐😐😐
y/n: I'm joking!
H: sure you are.
y/n: I am, I'm excited too because I miss your company, its nice.
H: I don't have a company
y/n: Harry
H: okay okay, thank you. Get some rest, you've gotta be up early.
y/n: true, see you later! 😊
H: see you🥰
~~~
Part two is up now!
#harry styles#harry styles writing#harry styles x y/n#harry styles fic#harry styles fanfic#wanderinghands#wh
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Things that makes me happier
I gave up posting number in front of my post title, initially it was to mark whether I reach the goal of posting a writing every week, which made me had to post 52 writings for the year of 2021, and by this point I am pretty sure I am not gonna reach that number so yes, we can forget it.
So I personally feel like recently I am in a better state of being, and have lots of idea coming up in my head. While I still religiously write on my handwritten journal, I feel like writing, in case my nonexistent reader would like to know, or give some inspirations. Lol, like who you are.
No, really, I am just really believe in sharing, and I would love to know if my mundane knowledge or experience be insightful even to only one other person. Because I myself found multiple times that a knowledge/sharing that someone posted online impacted me greatly - hence I am just thinking about the other me who may be seeking the things I am about to say/share.
Things that makes me happier are:
Intermittent Fasting
I have been doing IF for 2 weeks now, and yeah, it makes me feel good. I started initially because, duh, like everyone else, I wanted to lose weight. Some might want to kick me in the ass for saying such thing, and assure me that I have normal body and yada yada. And, as straight forward as it is - I just want to be as skinny as possible. Hahaha. Maybe it is something to do with me very sold into the standard beauty, or maybe it’s got to do with something in the past - I was quite cheeky.
However, even though I always say that I want to lose weight, over the years I have never really made the effort. Some days I took it hard some days it just a normal day, me eating this and that and whatnot. But then I have noted the intention of me wanting to be so skinny, on top of those beauty standard I believe have huge impact in me and a quite hard time in the past for being cheeky is because it simply makes me feel lighter, not holding anything within my body. Because for the context and some TMI, I have a not so good digestion, so yeah. There was a period of the time that I often I feel stuffed and bloated - which felt so uncomfortable, that I can’t stand working while sitting because I felt my stomach is getting on my way.
I tried IF a while back, and it worked for me, so now I decided to try it again now. Intention achieved. I believe it was because the time window for eating that pool all the food I eat in a day to be only consumed for certain times (I do 7 hours, my best convenience). I used to eat on times where, looking back, I was not really hungry, you know. Like breakfast - turned out (I don’t know why I forget about this) that I am not a breakfast person. All through high school I don’t remember myself sitting, eating breakfast in my uniform.
But then I just picked up a habit of eating breakfast while my stomach is actually not really ready for it, which end up making me feel bloated that last long all through lunch and pretty much for the day - and then without me knowing the new day has begin, and the cycle starts all over.
So yeah, IF had helped me to be to schedule my eating time which made my digestion works better I guess, and no more me having a bloated stomach constantly.
Quitting Social Media
Finally I succeed in cutting myself with social media. This, I also had tried in the beginning of the pandemic I guess - went on without social media for weeks and at that time I really felt the benefit and all, until I came back to social media and can not disconnect ever since. Even though I have been wanting to detox myself, but at the same time I felt really dependent on it.
It took me one lows moment of life to finally be able to went cold turkey about disconnecting. It was when I felt frustrated on Twitter news where every day it seems like there were a bad news - people died, people lost jobs, people complaining, the news about our incompetent and corrupt government and so on. Without me realizing, it took a toll on myself. Other than that was me who checking in Linkedin constantly at the time and seeing my friends’ profile whose climbing up the corporate ladder, while I was unsure and questioning whether I am in the right place (sounds like the problem of these days youth who lives in their own bubble, yeah?).
So one Friday where I had one of my breakdown, I went MIA for the weekend to the people who are close to me, as well as to my social media. It’s only been 2 weeks now, but it is safe to say that I can reclaim myself within these times, suddenly lots of thinking came up to me, as if all these times the bad news maybe somewhat oppress it or something. And, I also feel more certain about what is going on my mind/heart.
I believe quitting social media has its downside as well, as like I really am not having an update on the news (90% of my news source is Twitter - how sad yet could not be truer for most of us), I completely blind on our Covid update I even think that Covid is slowing down in the territory. Yeah, as expected you lose win some as well as you lose some, but for now at leas, I decided to win for myself.
Olympic 2020
I have never watched Olympic before, as far as I remember. Nor that I care about it. But this time is different. I believe the fact that we are on privilege to be in the safety of home have a huge part in me having the opportunity to watch the Olympic - thanks for that. For almost two weeks I was hooked to my TV, even one time I was on my TV from 6am to 10pm and watched all the games they aired.
To have the company to watch was a big advantage as well. As now I have my sibling in the house, I teamed up with my sister to watch the Olympic, we both did not know that we enjoyed it so much that we invested in each game we watched. We cheered for athletics, we scream for badminton, we gasped for weightlifting. It was a very fun experience. For almost two weeks I change my work station in front of the TV and so did my sister.
On top of that, what made Olympic special and very intrigued me was the diversity of the athletes. I guess I just did not exposed to such diversity as it was presented in the Olympic. I was presented with some very foreign countries whose name I hardly heard, or the people whose features were different one another.
Questions like why some sports dominated my a certain race while other sports dominated by others also popped out in my head. And not to mention my awed to each of these Olympian athletes when they perform their sports, I always wonder what it takes for them to be there right now - how many years of training, how much tears were sacrificed and relationships had to be let go. There were just so many elements of the Olympics that made me really drawn and invested in it.
Youtube
Surprise, surprise.
Well, my attraction to Youtube recently was different because of the previous para - Olympic. Because of getting really drawn into the Olympic athlete, I was searching lots of reference videos. And as we all know how we are being spied and we are mere a number for these big tech companies, they get to know me better know and present me with more content that I love (or else I had never discovered).
I am not sure what I searched previously, but Youtube chose that I now an avid cultural researcher, jk. Yeah, I watched a lot about something culture-related on Youtube because it is funny, looking back, I was once really attracted to be a global citizen and what not (what a flavor of youth!!), traveling the world, meeting people from other countries, make impact in the NGO (before long I know the NGOs are mostly funded by big corporations as well, heart breaking reality for me).
What I am saying is that the savvy man-made tech of Youtube has made me rediscover my old interest about culture! And I just actually learn that you can learn a lot from Youtube’s comment section, which debates often open up you to things which are (1) people can comment based on data and have every intention to educate other people; and (2) people more often be ignorant, and how much you are on the right stance, with the wrong people, you can still be, yeah wrong.
Somehow the lesson I gained in the Youtube’s comment section was really grounding to me to realize these polar of people, and in the end what you can do is only simply be you because after all, people really will hold on to their own opinion and belief.
Jigsaw Puzzle
RECCOMENDED 100/100. Damn, wasn’t it a good choice when one day I decided to try out jigsaw puzzle to entertained myself while waiting my partner to reply my chat message?
On the one of the breakdown moment I mentioned I believe that I had to have distraction and I thought of either a puzzle or a coloring book. I ended up buying both, but I am positive that I am more drawn to jigsaw puzzle. I first ordered a 1500 piece puzzle and when it first came, I kind of secretly afraid that I will give up. Also my mother being my mother and she was pessimist that I would finish the puzzle.
But one time I was just playing by myself, not expecting anything or even asked anyone to help me (afraid that I put too much task on other people), yet my sister helped me out, and a while after my mom helped we out as well. Resulting in the puzzle finished in 3 days. Soon after I order new puzzle, and so did my sister. Her order came first and it was a 1000 pieces puzzle, which we finished in 2 hours (boo, it turned out to be too easy), and now we are opening up our 3rd puzzle and tried to work on it.
I am just really happy that I discovered it, it is really great way to bond and filling time. And every time I successfully put the pieces together - that just very satisfying feelings! I believe I will have more and more puzzle to come in the near future.
--
I hope one of the thing above will work out for you and make you happier as well as it had affected me. 🤗
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1011
1. Five facts about your current relationship OR five facts about your single life.
a) I haven’t been truly single in...around 6 years, so it’s been a bit of an adjustment.
b) It was my last day as an intern yesterday (but they hired me, so I’m staying after all, haha) and since I’ve felt like I gained a family in the last two months, I thought it would be okay to give professionalism a break and share what had actually been going on with me on my first day on the job, aka when the breakup was still fresh and I was still figuring out how to function all over again. It unsurprisingly surprised everyone and my superior said something like, “Omg it’s the [company name] curse; it’s so strong it broke you guys up before you even got hired” which got a laugh out of me.
c) I’m not interested in seeing other people.
d) Probably wouldn’t be, for a long time. My trust has been irreparably broken.
e) Seeing couples in public has now become annoying. I’m happy for them, but it’s still annoying.
2. Five facts about a past relationship.
a) I’ve known her since kindergarten, but we didn’t become friends till 7th grade and didn’t start dating until junior year of high school.
b) We were legal with her family and her parents loved me and I them. On the other hand, I was never able to come out to my family because she broke up with me before I could be able to do so.
c) She introduced me to vaping.
d) We were never able to truly travel together, which we always planned to do after graduating. The farthest we reached was Batangas.
e) She never knew where she wanted to eat whenever we were out, so I was mostly the one who decided which restaurant we were going to have lunch or dinner in.
3. Five facts about your mother.
a) She has always worked in hotels, which is great because it has always allowed us to get room and buffet discounts, heh.
b) Her family (aka my grandparents, her, and my uncles) struggled financially for a little bit when my grandpa lost his job when she was in college. When her friends would go to fast-food restaurants, my mom would always decline, saying she had schoolwork to finish. In reality she just couldn’t afford anything, and the only money she held was for public transport.
c) She is a little childish considering her age, and I cannot stand her petty tantrums. She was childish even when I was a kid, and I believe my emotional well-being suffered because of that.
d) She has a high pain tolerance and the only time I’ve seen her struggle was when she was getting a tattoo on the back of her shoulder.
e) She is also extremely religious and it especially grinds my gears when she gets hypocritical about it, which is just about all the time.
4. Five facts about your father.
a) He has only ever dated my mom.
b) He grew up extremely poor and at some point his parents actually stopped being able to afford his tuition. Instead of being kicked out, a few nuns who served in the school paid my grandparents a visit and told them my dad would be given a scholarship since he had good grades and it would have been a waste if he got expelled.
c) He was a dancer in high school, knows how to play the guitar, and he also apparently knows how to draw very well. There’s a lot I don’t know about him, considering he has worked abroad my whole life.
d) He breaks or loses his reading glasses once every few months. I know which parent I definitely take after.
e) I have never seen him cry.
5. Five facts about your sibling. If you have more than one, pick one. Or do them all!
a) She had problems crying in school until she was in around 2nd or 3rd grade.
b) She’s in college and is currently taking up digital filmmaking.
c) She’s the biggest introvert I know. I’ve never seen her be willing to do anything silly; not even with her friends.
d) She can’t handle spicy food.
e) Her main interests have shifted from Harry Potter, to One Direction, to 5SOS, and now K-pop. I believe she’s into Seventeen the most.
6. Five facts about your town.
a) The upper part of the city offers amazing views of the Metro Manila skyline, which has recently made the place a kinda popular nightlife destination.
b) There’s a lot of hidden gem restaurants here but because most people spend more time complaining about how far my city is and how difficult it is to get to than actually just making the damn ride over here, the restaurants stay hidden and uncrowded. Their loss.
c) Used to be massively underdeveloped for most of my childhood and teenage years. Now there are several malls and I can easily go to a McDonald’s, Burger King, and Starbucks right outside our village.
d) Because you basically have to drive through a mountain to get to the upper part of the city, it’s not the safest highway and fatal crashes are unfortunately common.
e) The city is known for its suman, except I hate Filipino rice cakes and this actually doesn’t do anything for me.
7. Five facts about your house.
a) It used to have a balcony until we had that transformed into another bedroom. So technically it is still a balcony; it just hasn’t had that purpose for a while now.
b) My mom used a little cheat in our dining room and installed a huge wall mirror. Most people visiting for the first time always note how much larger it made the room (and thus the house) look.
c) I live in a neighborhood where the houses are of the same model and look (think the Squidville episode from Spongebob). That said, balconies are included in all properties. When my parents decided to renovate ours and turn it into a room, so many houses slowly followed suit as well. It was amusing to see it unfold, knowing the idea undoubtedly originated from us. It was like a revolution.
d) We don’t have a gate, which irritates me to no end because it allows noisy neighborhood kids to just march and run around our property. Sometimes they even make it to our carport and backyard, ugh. :(
e) Speaking of backyard, the landscaping for it used to be a pebble mosaic designed to look like a swan. But over the years the quality deteriorated, so my parents to opted to have the pebbles crushed into tiny rocks and embedded onto the ground. I don’t exactly know what this technique is called, but yeah.
8. Five facts about your niece or nephew. If you have more than one, pick one. Or do them all! Skip if you don’t have one.
I don’t have any, but I do have a godson so I’m going with him as I don’t want to leave any section blank.
a) He was born sometime in December. I honestly don’t remember when, loooooool. Worst godmother ever.
b) He’s actually one of my first cousins, but I guess my aunt saw something in me and wanted me to be his godson. I’ve been a terrible one, though; I’ve never bought him gifts or money or anything – to be fair, I was made a ninang when I was like, 14 or 15 lmao. But I can definitely make up for it now that I’m starting to earn my own money.
c) He’s the calmer, sweeter version of his older brother. His kuya was a pretty naughty kid when he was his age.
d) He mainly speaks English, as how most younger parents raise their kids these days. He understands Filipino of course, but he mostly communicates in English.
e) The last time I saw him, he was in the middle of a ridiculously adorable interviewing phase where he’d approach anyone in the family and start asking them a series of questions: what’s your favorite color? What food can’t you live without? What’s your favorite subject in school? Would you rather win $1 million dollars or know how to fly? It typically got exhausting after the 25th question, but it was so cute nonetheless. None of us have any idea where it came from.
9. Five facts about your education.
a) I went to a private, all-girls, Catholic school from kinder up to high school, and then moved to a public, co-educational, non-sectarian university for college. It was the very epitome of culture shock, lemme tell ya.
b) Some classes I had in my first school that might be uncommon in others have included penmanship (because my school has its own brand of cursive), environmental education, and I don’t remember what this next class was called anymore but we were basically taught how to write professionally? Like how to write cover letters and resumés and all.
c) My first school is extremely homophobic and went so far as to ‘hire’ spies tasked to check up on who’s been in same-sex relationships, list them all down, and report them to the guidance office so that they can be called one by one and be interrogated, and for the most part, pressured to come out. I don’t know if they still do this, but the younger batches are definitely more vocal and woke now thanks to social media and I doubt those practices would still fly today.
d) My university education was a breath of fresh air. Suddenly people were wearing sleeveless tops, mobs and rallies were a common sight to me, and my instructors were now atheist and not shoving Catholicism and Jesus and salvation down my throat. I loved every single day of it.
e) The most interesting class I took in college was a course called Pornography in Electronic Media, under the broadcast communication department. Getting to tell people I take a class where we sit down to watch porn was such a fucking ride.
10. Five facts about your job.
a) I got hired last Wednesday, but I had been interning for the company for around two months before they extended the offer.
b) I’m pretty much gonna be doing the same things I did as an intern, except I’m now accountable for any boo-boos I make HAHAHAHA. Also, I’m gonna be paid a lot more, obviously, which is sweet. I really thought we interns were severely underpaid considering the work that we help with on a daily basis.
c) My role is going to be with another department which is a little scary because it means the things I learned with the department I actually interned at will be pretty much useless. I’ll be starting from scratch again, but I’m still excited.
d) It’s a work-from-home situation, which is a relief for me because I don’t have to wake up early and I don’t have to face traffic.
e) My job interview for the position was actually a bit of a bomb because I absolutely fumbled with and messed up the first question I was asked; and since first impressions matter, I really thought I lost the gig from the very start of the interview. I made up for it as the interview continued and fortunately was able to break the ice and build a rapport with the team members who spoke with me, and I guess I did enough for them to want to take me in anyway.
For those who are curious, I blanked the fuck out when they asked “Tell me something about yourself that isn’t in your resumé.” Slowest 15 seconds of my life.
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this is a delirious 11pm post for Adults Only guys
Leave this space, child!
...
...
...
...y’all teenagers are going to be tweaked out of their goddamn minds.
Like, not necessarily in the drugged way, though some maybe yes in the drugged way, but like. Specifically in the non-drug way, they’re going to be snippy, and inattentive, and self centered. And that’s probably fine.
Like. Of course teens are self-centered, their bodies are doing weird shit for the first time and people keep making jokes they don’t understand yet, and some of these fuckers haven’t been given sex ed so they don’t even know what’s coming.
The younger teens have just emerged from the child form that has only just started being able to comprehend a larger world. In elementary school, sure I was reading time magazine for kids and we prayed for people who were being reported (religious school; recent tsunami, it happens) and when I was in 1st or 2nd grade we heard rumors that once upon a time women weren’t allowed to do the same stuff as men, but like— you can feel those things, but it’s not really something that you comprehend unless it’s right then a part of your life. I remember the first time I really ‘got’ sexism was in ninth grade in a gym class of 24 boys to 3 + me girls, and I wrote bad poetry about it in my phone for like three months trying to process it.
When I was like 16 our car broke down midway to school and we had to call my dorm parent to come drive me the next 5 mins, and so he’s in a bad mood bc he has to pick me up, and mom is in a bad mood bc car she gets a feeling dorm parent didn’t believe her when she said the car broke down, and it’s like 80 out but more importantly the humidity is a swamp, and I just remember being in his car driving the rest of the way to school and he’s complaining about sunburns bc he’s super pale and Irish, but he’s trying to talk so I kind of say “huh well i’ve never gotten a sunburn. I tan real fast and then go inside and I’m white again.”
and even in the moment I remember being like “that’s not really what he wanted to hear” and I think he even made a face, but I was too out of it and hot and tired to really do anything passed that. And I do feel kind of bad about it? Like, I did not mean to demean his pain of sunburns and I know also that at the time he was having A Rough Time with his marriage, to the point where he had us doing religious plays about parenthood for three seasons straight.
But also, I was a teenager. And looking back I can’t exactly blame my past self for just kinda... saying some words and feeling bad the rest of the car ride but also too tired to care. Theater teacher man wasn’t a bad guy; we were definitely not good at reading each other and he thought musicals sucked, but he also was the one who comforted me out of a panic attack when we had a tornado warning and I ended up convinced my daystudent friend was going to die.
Because that’s what I cared about at the time. Me-related things. Yes, tornado, but I am worried about one (1) person, and that mattered to me. I stayed behind when we got an actual sex-ed person in 7th grade because I was scared that reading yaoi would send me to hell. I had a breakdown in front of my history professor because one of my friends was discovering her gender identity and I was scared I was ‘losing her’ (you know the words!)
Now, someone comes out to me or someone doesn’t understand a term and I’m over here like “yea which definition u wanna use” but back then I was a kid and I had never experienced anything like this before, my hormones were wild—which didn’t mean I was horny and wanted boyfriend, it meant I was in constant fear of bleeding through things and every now and then I would wake up and my body would be in surprise unknowable pain (aka I was finally big enough to cut off my own circulation in my sleep and also growing pains)
Now, I’ve got a lot of that under control. When I wake up with a body in pain I usually know why and probably it is my fault actually. I know a bit better how to get through days when I’m too hot, or too groggy, or just dissociation or mad. (The trick is: say aloud, “sorry if I’m not responding much, I’m just really hot/groggy/out of it/still upset about that.” )
That’s not something a lot of teens have down yet. I saw a kid with a naruto shirt on at work once and I said “hey naruto” and he looked at me like he’d seen the face of god, he was so surprised someone knew what naruto was. To someone even MILDLY in my age range, the idea of not knowing who Naruto is is preposterous. But this was like, 12-15 year old at the most. Not hit his growth spurt yet. Just absolutely blindsided that there was an outside world which recognized something he liked, which I’m gonna wildly guess his parents probably aren’t into or don’t talk about it with him, because the thought of talking Naruto with your kid is horrifying.
Obviously, thinking other people don’t know about naruto is a similar kind of self-centered thought along the lines of “I bet thigh chick isn’t a REAL fan of x” or “EVERYONE has an opinion on me and there is no in between” where like the world... sort of revolves around you.
And like, once that person grows up if they keep that sort of self-focus, that’s usually the time you start trying to ditch them, but even older teens are still just coming out of that larval childhood state. They know a lot more about the world than we probably did at their age—I know a lot of them aren’t having the same existential crisis over their friends’ gender like I did, which is a big ol step— but there are still days that it’s going to be too much new shit to deal with, plus whatever else is happening inside them personally. And it’ll take a while to learn how to handle that.
In the meantime, they might be snappish, or out of it, or just kind of give up and have a ‘fuck it’ attitude sometimes, and it drives a lot of adults just goddamn insane it seems, according to all the mildly aggressive parents at work, trying to get kids who don’t want to be there to give the right reactions. It’s probably not even anything personal to the event that’s making them unhappy. One time I talked to a kid who was crying, and when I got her to tell me what was bothering her, it turned out that some people on her family reunion were mean to her. Nothing about the immediate ‘now’, just a lot of emotion that needed to go somewhere, and that somewhere ended up being crying, and it was not at all about respect or disrespect or anything related to us. Probably most of what was needed was to talk about it (success) and take a long nap.
The first time I remember having a meltdown with a ‘trigger’ like that, I was in 5th grade and my first assignment was something like “what did you do over summer” so I lost my entire shit and cried on the couch for an hour. Passed out, slept til 7, woke up and was fed soup, and have no idea if I finished that paper but presumably I did because I remember a nap and food working.
I would keep having these homework meltdowns periodically, and I don’t know when they stopped, but I had at least one, maybe two, in my first year of college.
And eventually I’ve just kinda.... stopped having them. Stress about a big project wasn’t something that bothered me anymore. You just did it one step at a time, and when you started thinking “maybe I’ll do it in the morning”, you immediately go to bed because you’ve already lost the fight and even if you don’t do it in the morning at least you won’t face it sleep deprived.
It takes time and living to get these experiences, and while one kid might not have the same issues with school work I had, maybe something else just knocks them on their ass every time (same) and it is just. Literally something you need to live through a couple times before you know how to deal with it. You can provide Blank Slate Alien Person with all the mental health tips and anecdotal advice and chamomile tea as you want, but the first couple times they face stress, none of those tips help if they don’t know how to implement them.
If you’ve ever assembled something by instructions and ended up building it upside down—it’s easier to build it again once you’ve gotten mad and undone it and started again. Because you’ve practiced. You already had the instructions, but now you have the experience of building it already, even if the result wasn’t the one you wanted.
Teens are learning a) how to read instructions, and b) that their assembly is probably upside down. and in the meantime, the world is also bonkers wild right now.
When they have that moment of rage, or giving up, or aloofness upon finding shit got built upside down— just. Let them.
You don’t have to ‘fix’ it or ‘fix’ them for having these emotions, or lack of them.
These are normal reactions. They make sense. All I’m asking is that we understand it’s going to happen. These emotions are going to happen.
Don’t let yourself justify being mean to kids and teens by telling yourself they’re being disrespectful. The world and their lives and emotions also don’t revolve around you. It’s not always a rebellion or reason to fight when things get too high strung to hold total control of.
That doesn’t mean ignore them. I was maybe 12 or 13, and it was 90 on a metal ship, and i was wearing an under shirt because i didn’t have a bra, so two layers of clothes on a hot metal ship, on my period— and all I remember is asking my dad to let us sit down and eat some lunch, because i was dizzy and dehydrated, and all he just kept saying we would do it once he saw the tour. I have no idea how long it was but I probably could’ve cried and been called moody or uncooperative.
Life is difficult. Especially for people who aren’t yet in control of their situations. Who are still bursting out with emotions they can’t otherwise articulate.
Be kind to that.
#long post#ramble#teenagers#kids#teens#puberty#puberty Sucks#especially when the world continues to exist around you#beatext#memories
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Thank you for tagging me in this very long get to know me tag, @gretavanyeeeeet ! I honestly love hearing my dumb ass talk so this works out! 🌠
1. What is your middle name?
Kathryn…shut up…
2. How old are you?
25
3. When is your birthday?
May 5th
4. What is your zodiac sign?
Taurus sun; Leo rising; Pisces moon (yes I need to tell you)
5. What is your favourite colour?
Any and all shades of green
6. What’s your lucky number?
?
7. Do you have any pets?
One very large black and white cat
8. Where are you from?
Upstate NY for life
9. How tall are you?
5'11″
10. What shoe size are you?
Just give me the clown shoes, I’m too tall for this shit
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
I know it’s less than 10
12. What was your last dream about?
I was in these dark, lush woods with a rocky creek and this massive seal started to attack me
13. What talents do you have?
I write well; yearn even better. Also make really good omelettes.
14. Are you psychic in any way?
I’m very intuitive
15. Favourite song?
Too many to list. But I have been listening to “Burn The Witch” by Radiohead every day for over 3 years.
16. Favourite movie?
The Lord of the Rings
17. Who would be your ideal partner?
Danny Wagner. More seriously, someone who’s just as much of a lunatic as I am.
18. Do you want children?
Fuck right off
19. Do you want a church wedding?
N…o…
20. Are you religious?
Spiritual, yes, religious, no.
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?
No
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?
Kind of…
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
None! Well, I did meet Caesar Milan
24. Baths or showers?
Showers. Baths are boring.
25. What color socks are you wearing?
Black
26. Have you ever been famous?
I think I’d know
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Pass
28. What type of music do you like?
Many types of music, I don’t even know if I could narrow it down
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
Yes, it was the middle of the night in a dark, mucky lake, so all of my worst fears at once
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
2
31. What position do you usually sleep in?
Either on my side or on my stomach
32. How big is your house?
Small
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?
Eggs. Or Greek yogurt. I miss cereal.
34. Have you ever fired a gun?
BB guns
35. Have you ever tried archery?
No, but that would be fun
36. Favourite clean word?
I have many…one is “plume”
37. Favorite swear word?
“Shit yeah”
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?
Like 36 hours?
39. Do you have any scars?
Yah
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
My tumblr secret admirer… 👀
41. Are you a good liar?
I am an awful liar, actually
42. Are you a good judge of character?
YUP it’s all that intuition
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?
A really offensive Jersey accent
44. Do you have a strong accent?
I’ve been told my Rochester accent is disgusting so, yes, but I like it.
45. What is your favourite accent?
Texas accents
46. What is your personality type?
Lunatic
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?
It literally might be the 50 dollar sweater I just bought. I don’t live luxuriously.
48. Can you curl your tongue?
No
49. Are you an innie or an outie?
Ew?
50. Left or right-handed?
Right
51. Are you scared of spiders?
It depends, but I’ve had to get rid of many for other people more afraid of them than me
52. Favourite food?
Garbage plates & cake. Because I am garbage
53. Favourite foreign food?
Indian food
54. Are you a clean or messy person?
Somewhere in the middle. I don’t mind certain messes in my own personal space but in any communal space, things better be clean.
55. Most used phrase?
I feel like there are so many…perhaps “oh my gosh” or “get out”
56. Most used word?
I’ll try to keep better track of this
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?
I like to be leisurely, so I have myself 2 hours each morning, but the actual “Getting ready” process is probably 35 minutes
58. Do you have much of an ego?
Kind of, but it doesn’t take a lot to make it waver
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?
Who bites them?
60. Do you talk to yourself?
Someone has to
61. Do you sing to yourself?
Sometimes
62. Are you a good singer?
Nahh
63. Biggest Fear?
Losing control; death
64. Are you a gossip?
I know like 3 people
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?
Moonlight
66. Do you like long or short hair?
Any hair
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?
It would take me a minute
68. Favourite school subject?
English
69. Extrovert or Introvert?
In the middle
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?
PAss
71. What makes you nervous?
Literally everything
72. Are you scared of the dark?
Yes. Shut up
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
It depends. Is it part of my job? Then sure. But sometimes I make unnecessary things into my job
74. Are you ticklish?
Yes
75. Have you ever started a rumour?
I hope not
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?
Not a real one
77. Have you ever drank underage?
Yes
78. Have you ever done drugs?
Yee
79. Who was your first real crush?
This kid I went to school with, Aaron. This was in kindergarten but it lasted a long ass time.
80. How many piercings do you have?
10
81. Can you roll your R’s?
No
82. How fast can you type?
Super fast
83. How fast can you run?
PRetty fast, I have long legs and lots of anger
84. What colour is your hair?
Naturally it’s a dirty blonde, it’s been teal-ish for 5 years now.
85. What color is your eyes?
Green-grey
86. What are you allergic to?
So many things outside, which is ironic because I spend all the time I can outside
87. Do you keep a journal?
I have a notebook for ideas and to do lists but no journal
88. What do your parents do?
Tolerate me
89. Do you like your age?
Yeah, 25 has been a great year
90. What makes you angry?
A lot of things
91. Do you like your own name?
Yes!
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?
Get off my property, thanks
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?
Bye
94. What are you strengths?
Physically I am quite strong, so there’s that. Again, I’m pretty sure I could pick Josh up and carry him around without much issue.
95. What are your weaknesses?
I’m stubborn and can be very defiant
96. How did you get your name?
My mom liked it because she follows the royal family and there is a princess named Zara
97. Were your ancestors royalty?
Despite my name, no. I’m peasant blood. Well–neanderthal blood
98. Do you have any scars?
…
99. Colour of your bedspread?
Black
100. Colour of your room?
Minty seafoam green
Tagging: @bigthighsandstupidguys @gretavanfic @stevie-baby @cantbehandled-ever @flowrxchild @mountainofthesunn @jeordinevankiszka @kiszkawagnergvf @foaming @lover–leaver @flowerpowerneversour @dreams-madeof-strawberrylemonade @saywecanart🌷
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Open letter from Louise to Taylor
Dear Taylor,
My name is Louise, I’m a 19 years old (almost 20 tho) french swiftie. During my past 7 years of being a swiftie and my 9 years of listening to your music, you helped me through a lot of things going on in my life and I wanted to thank you for that. I wanted to write this for a very long time but I couldn’t find the courage to do so. I know you most likely will never see this but I want to try because it might be my only chance to thank you for everything you’ve done for me.
The first thing you helped me through that I remember was when I was 14. I have a condition that makes me kinda hairy, and a lot more than people and girls my age. When I started middle school, the other kids started to make fun of me behind my back. That made me sad because I didn’t understand why people would make fun of me for something that isn’t even my fault. It’s not like I have some kind of power on genetic you know? So it made me feel sad but Nothing more because as I said, it was behind my back and never in front of me. Plus, I had my amazing friends who protected me from them. But when I was 14 new people came to my school for an exam and that was the worst 3 days I could imagine. All the girls started to make fun of me but that time right in front of me. I was scared to go to school. The next day I became scared to lose my friends. A group of these girls went to the same Church as my two best friends so on moment they were hanging out together and I was near them and they just told to my best friends “How can you even be friends with someone as ugly as Louise?”. But they kept protecting me. I don’t think they know I heard that conversation because they never talked about it. They just came to me saying “We love you the way you are, you know?”. And I knew it was true. But still, it hurted so bad you know? I never thought words could hurt that much. But it did, and that is when you helped me. Because I realized that if words can hurt that much, they also can be a weapon against them. I always liked the song Mean but during these three days I really understood the meaning of it. I wrote them all letters in which I said exactly how I felt. I am pretty sure they never read it but it made me feel better and that’s what matters right?
The second time you really helped me was 3 years ago. Three years ago I lost my auntie. Well, she was really old and we all expected that she might die some day, but everything happened really fast. One day she was cooking for me and the next day she was at the hospital. Mimi (that was her nickname) was 101 years old when she died. She was the most beautiful human being ever, inside and out. She was my sunshine. She lived near my school so she used to come pick me up when she had time (yeah she was 101 but she was really busy helping her friends). She always brought me cookies she baked earlier to make me happy. But she didn’t realize that she was the one who made me happy. Not the cookies, just her. Having her by my side was the most important thing for me. Everything I did, everything I accomplished was to made her proud of me. I wanted nothing more but her to say I love you Louise. And she did, a lot. I remember staying at her appartment and talking to her for hours. I told her everything about me, but I mostly talked about you, because you were important for me. And she just let me. When she died, a big part of me, if not all of me, died too. I always say that I stopped living on Wednesday, June the 1st. A lot of people don’t understand and say that I am exagerating, but I am not. I wish to no one to go through that. But once again I had you by my side. I listened to your songs everytime I could. And once again I wrote. A lot. For almost a year I wrote her a letter Everyday, just telling her how went my day. And every week I used to beg my mom or my dad to take me to her grave so I could put flowers and “giver her my letters”. And they did it, everytime. The knew it was making me feel better. Also, I feel like she watches everything I do from wherever she is. I know this might sound dumb but I like to think that her body might not be on earth anymore, but her spirit still is.
The last time you helped me is today actually. I have been questionning my sexuality for the past five years. I am really afraid to say it to my two best friends because I don’t know how they would react. They are very religious, but on the other hand they are really open minding. I am not ready either to tell it to my parents and my family. I know they will accept me for who I am but I am just scared of their first reaction. I saw a lot of people coming out on twitter or internet in general and they got a lot of support but also some hate. And I was scared because I don’t know if I would be able to support it. But once again you helped me: you released You need to calm down. So I think I’m ready to do it. And you’ll be the first to know. I think that’s why I’m doing it here. There is a tiny chance for someone to read it, which means less chance to get hate. Well, Taylor thank to you I am officially coming out as bisexual. That’s it, I said it. It feels good to put words on it.
So thank you Taylor Swift, thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I love you so much. I love you to the moon and back and much much more.
P.S: I am so ready for this new era.
With love,
Louise
@taylorswift @taylornation
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All odd numbers of the cute asks
Oh goodness, this is gonna be a long one but here we go!!
1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Probably one of my roommates, but not in like a walking-talking sense! It was more like she came into my room and took my hand lol
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? A bunch of people, actually! I’m looking forward to seeing my best friend when she sleeps over this week, and I’m looking forward to seeing my mom and other best friend when I go back home in three months.
5. If you were drunk, would the person you like take care of you? Without question, although I think I’d be okay! I don’t usually get drunk, and I’m generally the friend who’s taking care of people lol. They’d probably be laughing at my ridiculousness a lot.
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I mean, I don’t know….. Would I like to be? Ideally, but I’m also in the middle of classes and I don’t really know how that’d work out practically.
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nope~ I’m really open about those kinds of things tbh.
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Let me go find it…. “Ohhh okay” (Sorry, I know it’s pretty unexciting)
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Yes yes yes yes yessssss it is the number one thing to do that calms me right down (besides hugs).
15. What good thing happened this summer? This past summer, I spent most of my time in camp and with friends, and that was super fun. I got really close with people that I didn’t expect to! Also, I moved to Israel!
17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Define life. Bacteria and other protozoic life forms, definitely. I don’t know if I totally buy into the idea of intelligent life forms on other planets and aliens like the Hollywood movies show.
19. Do you like bubble baths? I love them, but I don’t take them very often. Lush is one of my favorite stores, I love bath time products.
21. What are your bad habits? I bite my nails sometimes, but I’m trying to get over that and I’m managing it really well! I’m also a tapper, and I tend to grind my teeth/hum when I’m not paying attention. I also chew gum a lot and bite the little clip things off of mechanical pencils…..
23. Do you have trust issues? Some, yeah. Depends on with who and regarding what, though. I stopped journaling for a long while because of trust issues, but I’m super open with people and I consider everyone trustworthy until proven otherwise, in most cases!
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My stomach. I hate it.
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I wish I was more tan, but otherwise not really!
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yeah.
31. Is your hair long enough for a ponytail? I refuse to cut my hair so short that it would not be. So yes, absolutely.
33. Spell your name with your chin. eliusahewv casYes, that is definitely my name. Not too far off tho!
35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV hands down. I depend on music like you wouldn’t believe.
37. What do you say during awkward silences? Usually nothing tbh…. I’m not really the one to break them. But I usually try and do an “anyway” segway or something like that.
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Lush, Bath and Body Works, Barnes and Nobles, Target, Macy’s, Bloomingdales.
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Yes, but a limited one. Your second chance with me is usually your last, and if you hurt me again I drop you entirely. I try to keep that my policy, but there are definitely exceptions.
43. Do you smile at strangers? Absolutely. I smiled at a bunch today!
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Talking to my friends, and my alarm clock. Also, eventually I just get fed up with my own laziness too, so there’s that.
47. Have you ever been high? No, and I don’t plan on it.
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out? Yes, and I really hope that they don’t. It was nothing bad, before you get any ideas! It’s just…. Something personal, if that makes sense?
51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yes, and I still do at times. That’s something I’m trying to work on.
53. Favorite makeup brand? The only brand name things of makeup I have come from Bobbi Brown, I think, so maybe I’ll default to them? Or Mac?
55. Favorite blog? I don’t really have one, honestly…. I like a lot of different bloggers and people!
57. Favorite food? Pizza, hands down.
59. First thing you ate this morning? Wacky mac. I didn’t have a very nutritional breakfast.
61. Ever been suspended/expelled? For what? Oh God no. I think I would die.
63. Ever been in love? This is a complicated question. I’ve had a lot of strong feelings for people before, but I think there’s maybe one person I would say that I’ve been in love with. We broke things off a while ago, and we’re good friends now, but I still have a lot of feelings for her.
65. Are you hungry right now? I’m so hungry tbh I’m waiting for my roommate to get out of the shower so that we can go pick up sushi.
67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook, but simply because I don’t use my Twitter like ever.
69. Are you watching TV right now? Nope! I’m looking between this answer and the question list lol
71. Craving something? What? Sushi omg I want it so bad I’m so hungry
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? I do, actually! I have a teddy bear that my mom gave me when I last was home, and it helps me sleep at night when I’m homesick or in a bad place. I’m a very touchy-huggy person so to me it’s a big help.
75. Favorite animal? Any form of feline. I love cats.
77. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate all the way.
79. What color shirt are you wearing? Black, actually! It’s got a pretty blue and white pattern/design thing too!
81. Favorite TV show? Ummm probably Psych? Not sure, I have to think on this one a little more. Maybe Bones?
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? I’ve never seen the second one, so Mean Girls?
85. Favorite character from Mean Girls? Karen. (I think? It’s been a while since I’ve watched it)
87. First person you talked to today? It was either @justanotherurl-not or @mizuritamanami but I don’t know for certain.
89. Name a person you hate? A particular girl from high school might fit this description. For her privacy, I’ll just call her Sam.
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? At this exact moment, no.
93. How many sweatpants do you have? So many pairs omg. My high school gave them out religiously.
95. Last movie you watched? The Greatest Showman (WHICH EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH IT’S SO GOOD)
97. Favorite actor? Ummm not sure. That’s a very good question. Probably someone like Leonardo DiCaprio, or Chris Evans maybe?
99. Have any pets? No, unfortunately, but I plan on getting a cat sometime soon!
101. Do you type fast? Yeah, and I can more or less touch type now! I’ve memorized my laptop keyboard lol thanks Mavis Beacon!
103. Can you spell well? Usually I’m very good with spelling. My mom likes to joke that it’s because I read the dictionary when I was younger (which I did, so maybe she has a point).
105. Ever been to a bonfire party? The only one that might qualify I’m not going to count, so nope! Maybe someday!
107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes, and I love horseback riding so much. I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn’t gone- it’s so relaxing and I had the best time doing it.
109. Is something irritating you right now? Someone, but yes. It’s not their fault, though, so I probably won’t say anything to them.
111. Do you have trust issues? I think this was already a question on this ask….?
113. What was your childhood nickname? It’s not really shorter than my name, but my mom used to call me her “princess ballerina.”
115. Do you play the Wii? I did, but I haven’t in four or five years, since we moved and never unpacked it.
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Who doesn’t?
119. Favorite book? Right now, probably The Somnabulist by Jonathan Bates, but I love almost every book I’ve read. The Eragon series is also one of my favorites, and I love classical literature, like A Tale of Two Cities and The Sun Also Rises.
121. Are you mean? I can be, if I want to or have to be. But I hate it, so I try very hard to steer clear.
123. Can you keep white shoes clean? I can’t keep any shoes clean.
125. Do you believe in true love? Yes, but I believe that it’s usually something that grows with time and isn’t just magically found.
127. What makes you happy? Music, good food, friends, a good book, a good movie, rewatching old anime series that I haven’t seen in a while, etc. Flowers, cats, pretty things. I’m a girl of simple pleasures.
129. What’s your zodiac sign? Taurus! (April 28th is my birthday!)
131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? This one hits a little close to home at the moment. It depends on the circumstances.
133. Favorite lyrics right now? “She’s the tear in my heart/she’s a carver/she’s a butcher with a smile/cut me farther than I’ve ever been,” -Tear in My Heart, twenty one pilots
135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I really don’t know. Maybe that I was British? but I wound up fooling the teacher for two weeks, so.
137. How tall are you? 5′4″!
139. Brunette or blonde? I’ve always wanted to be a blonde, but I have recently started liking my hair (I’m a brunette) although I definitely have a thing for blondes.
141. Night or day? Night has always been more peaceful to me, but I love the sunshine. Maybe like twilight time?
143. Are you a vegetarian? No, but I could be if I wanted to!
145. Tea or coffee? Tea is what I like better, but I definitely appreciate a good cup of coffee with plenty of milk and sugar.
147. Mars or Snickers? I had a Mars bar for the first time this year, and I definitely prefer it.
149. Do you believe in ghosts? Absolutely. I love watching all of the ghost hunting shows, even though I know they’re bullshit and I kinda believe them lol
Okay!! I made it through all of them! I hope the answers were satisfactory and thank you so much for asking, you wonderful person!!!
Ask me anything This ask list
#Anon ask#Answered#Oh goodness this was a lot!!#But I'm so flattered that you asked me#Thank you so much for the questions and I hope you're doing well!!#Sending all the best~
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Ships: How they happen and Headcanons PART 1
Someone requested this, so here is the rundown of my ideal scenarios for each of the ships that I ship. It’s long and detailed so I’m sorry if you’re on mobile. For the rest of you, it’s under the cut. Includes NSFW head canons. This got out of hand so I’m going to split this post up.
So my ideal scenario for Sarah regardless of who she ends up with is that she becomes incredibly confident in her abilities as a psychiatrist and chooses to incorporate those with her training in the ED and becomes the best young doctor in whichever field she chooses after her residency (Psych or Emergency). While doing this she opens up a center for homeless youths that has guards and provides psychiatric help with PTSD or depression or drug addiction or anything else they might need. She becomes of driving force in Chicago in the fight for the homeless, youth and veterans especially. Sarah also uses her money and the connections to money she has from Connecticut and her Ivy League days to help open the many centers all around Chicago. She also creates a service dog program at Gaffney where they take in shelter dogs and train them.
So now that we have her life plotted out, let’s look at how I envision each of my ships.
Reethan
Sarah dates Noah for like a maximum of 4 months, in this time she realizes she was just desperate for someone since Joey seemed to move on so fast, and she’s always been weak for people who are nice to her and compliment her. They have chemistry for the first like month, but it boils down to Noah not being mature enough for her and so they break up. BUT during the few months they were together, Wreckton spent a lot of time with Chexton. Sarah and Ethan bond over these new experiences of dating the Sextons and probably one or two awkward trips to church. Because while April and Noah are religious the other two definitely are not and end up getting to know one another even better outside of work. The four hanging out becomes such a tradition, that the first week after they break up, Ethan stops by to try and cheer her up. The break up is awkward in the ED for the first few months, but Ethan always tries to make Reese feel welcome again when he sees her. For the next year Sarah begins falling for Ethan, but remains super friendly with him and April and pushes those feelings down because they’re happy together and that’s what matters. Eventually April and Ethan break up, they have been shaky for a while but he proposes, she says yes, but realizes it’s not best for the both of them and cancels the wedding. Sarah is there for Ethan when things get awkward for him in the ED and their friendship grows stronger.
Then Ethan gets called up from the reserves to help train medics over seas. He keeps this a secret from everyone besides Sharon, up until the day before he leaves. After a patient dies in the ED he loses it, and walks up to the roof, Sarah finds him and he finally tells her that he’ll be gone for at least 3 months if not more. He then asks if she’d be willing to take care of his bird, and if she’d mind coming over later so he could show her how to take care of it. She does and one thing leads to another and there are so many emotions that the end up having sex. Sarah wishes him good luck, but is pretty much having a mental freak out over the fact that she’s had her first one night stand with this guy she’s practically in love with. Ethan just has so many things on his plate that he doesn’t really think about until later. So basically Sarah tries to work this through in her mind while working and taking care of this bird. They kind of send messages back and forth but they never talk about that night. Ethan thinks that he’ll have to extend his time over seas and he talks to Sarah about watching his bird for longer. Then surprise he doesn’t and he comes home early and finds her like passed out on his couch with his bird flying around. She wakes up, they don��t talk about it still, and have sex again. They start dating in secret because Ethan’s an attending and Sarah’s still a resident even if they are in totally different departments. It eventually comes out and everyone’s willing to turn a blind eye if this is the last damn romance in this ED.
Head canon round
What they fight about
Sarah trying to help with his process of dealing with trauma and his PTSD and him getting annoyed about it. And possibly frustrations over both of their simultaneous difficulties with commitment at the different levels. Later on possibly children. OH, and Sarah’s willingness to sacrifice her safety for the kids she helps on the streets. Because you know the mob does not like her trying to help their sex slaves out of slavery.
Holidays
In my mind they both choose to work holidays, and have for a really long time. The two of them probably have the least familial connections out of all the doctors on Chicago Med so they kind of take the shifts no one else wants so the others can have time with their families and kids. So the tradition they started long before they ever get together is having breakfast together the morning after on their way home from work.
Families
Sarah hasn’t seen her mom really since she left for Chicago, and her dad died while she was a teenager so she is really not close with her family. Parents were each only children and her grandparents have passed on so she’s made Chicago her home, and the staff her family. Dr. Charles being her unintentional substitution of a father, and Maggie her mom. They both approve of Choi. Ethan isn’t very close with his family, but they are on more of speaking terms. His parents are still alive, if unattached to what’s happening with his life. He has a brother and sister who he isn’t very close with. The both have very practical high paying business careers on the West Coast.
Sleep/NSFW
Ethan’s great in bed. Loves going down on Sarah. Sarah’s literally only been with unexperienced 20 somethings so it’s a huge change, she’s kind of wondering if she actually ever got off with anyone before Ethan because it’s such a different feeling. He loves being in control (head canon stolen from mightyfinebear on AO3) and so watching her come undone at almost everything he does is satisfaction at a whole new level. Also shower sex, and table sex, and everywhere in the apartment sex. Ethan has a horrible time sleeping at night, and needs someone like Sarah who is just a rock once she’s out. He can get up, go for a run, pace, box, whatever he needs to and then crawl back in bed and she won’t even notice. Most of the time he sleeps better when she’s there, and can sleep for almost 7 hours compared to his normal 4. However that only makes the nights when she isn’t home worse to sleep. It wasn’t until she had decided to surprise by coming home early after her shift that she knew he had such a hard time sleeping. He was still up from the night before, and Sarah pulled him straight to bed where he actually talked about it until he fell asleep.
Pets/Living together
In that 6 months between April and Ethan breaking up and him leaving, Sarah found an injured pit bull on the side of the road. She knew Ethan had experience with animals and called him on just this side of crying and he came to help. They stabilized her together and got her to a vet. The dog’s leg is unable to be saved, and she didn’t have any tags so Sarah adopts her. Ethan and Sarah move in mostly because of the dog and the parrot. The dog is skittish and likes company, and so does the bird and they keep each other calm during the day.
Rheesker
So this lil ship started from me accepting that they’ll put Ava with Connor so why not have them be in a poly-relationship
So Ava and Connor start having sex to blow off tension and try and channel the competitive edge that they have towards each other into something that’s more relaxing for them. Ava is still mean to anyone not an attending and Sarah, after frankly just a shitty day like loses it and snaps at her in front of Connor after a comment she makes after a surgery.There’s probably some pent up resentment towards Zanetti and she’s just sick of rude surgeons. So Sarah storms off after that, but she’s now permanently on Ava’s radar. Her comments make her soften the way she approaches most of the doctors at Med, and she starts talking more to Sarah and inviting her out to drinks and to hang out with Connor and her after work. The more they hang out with one another the closer they all get, and they kind of become this trio who is almost always seen with each other. Then Ava kind of introduces the idea to Connor of bringing Sarah in, and he’s intrigued by it, but he thinks that she’s completely dreaming because Sarah’s just so conventional and safe and would never do that kind of thing. Meanwhile Sarah is developing this crush on both Ava and Connor because they’re just so different than Noah was, and she’s just internalizing it and keeps telling herself she’ll deal with it later.
The whole time people are getting more and more suspicious of Connor and Ava, and eventually Goodwin catches wind of it and has to figure out how to deal with it without jeopardizing her two future cardiac surgeon’s careers. If anyone found out they were sleeping together, it would open up the hospital to law suits. Sharon asks Sarah to give the warning so it doesn’t go on any kind of professional record and because she’s close to them. Sarah, this whole time, didn’t really pick up on them sleeping together. And she’s just mortified and also beating herself up because why would they like her, and she just gives them this really like terse warning about sleeping together and kind of completely pulls away from them. Ava and Connor both ask for her to talk to them and she rebuffs them for a week or so. Then Ava tells her they’re coming over whether she likes it or not and Sarah actually lets them in. Finally Ava extends the idea of the three of them being together to Sarah, who immediately thinks they’re just weirdly trying to pity her or something. Eventually they kind of coax her out of her shell and the three kind of establish what they are tentatively and they start dating. And whenever Goodwin brings up something about Ava and Connor dating, they say that Ava’s the one who’s dating Dr. Reese.
What they fight about
Connor and Ava are still competing for the spot of the Cardio attending so work can tend to bleed over into their relationship. They all also work very hectic schedules and that causes mainly frustration over just not getting to see each other very often or equally. Connor’s daddy issues, Ava’s attitude and treatment of others, and Sarah’s internalizing of her thoughts and feelings of being the third wheel.
Food
The three of them loving going out to dinner. It’s always been Sarah’s favorite kind of date, and she has tried an absurd amount of restaurants from all over the city out, so she’s like an expert at places she’d know they’d love or hate. She’s also a vegetarian, which Ava found hilarious, and so completely fitting of her the first time they all got food. (”What?” “You’re just such a stereotype.” “What does that mean?”) The moment that Sarah kind of fell in love with Ava a little more was when she called Sarah at work because she wanted to get her some sort of veggie burgers she liked, so Sarah had something to eat at her house. Connor’s the best cook out of them all, with Ava coming in second, and Sarah being proficient at the things she was good at, and horrible at anything else. Her house mainly consists of frozen faux-meat in her freezer, frozen dinners and veggies, crackers and bread, and 8 jars of various nut butters. Sometimes eggs, but she only buys those 6 egg cartons because she never uses a whole dozen. Connor and Ava both have extensive bars in their apartments filled with excellent whiskeys and gins. Both of which turn Sarah’s stomach, so they start buying white rum, vodka and wine to keep at their houses for her.
Families
Ava’s family is entirely normal, especially put in perspective with the other two. Her parent’s had high expectations but she’s met all of them and so it’s never been much of a problem in her mind. Sarah thinks that she’s so critical of others because of how critical her parents were to her but Ava doesn’t see it. Connor’s got good ol’ Cornelius Rhodes who creates all the same issues he did in the show, and Sarah has all the issues she had that I mentioned previously. But Claire, once she got over the initial news, loves both Ava and Sarah and the three girls get dinner alone when they can.
Sleep/NSFW
Sarah almost always sleeps in the middle. It’s mostly out of function because she can never seem to get warm, but also because Ava kind of worries about her feeling left out. The facts that she isn’t in cardio and usually is the one with the most different of schedules, and that she was brought in last all make Ava and Connor worry about her. They both also selfishly like being the big spoon and cuddling around her. Sarah’s also the heaviest sleeper of them all and can sleep through both sides shifting and getting up in the night.
The two of them are weirdly Connor’s dream girl separated. Ava’s this sexy hot head who challenges him in work and in their relationship, and he just lives off it. Sarah is all the gentleness and cooling that’s opposite of Ava, she just wants someone who is kind of gentle and domestic. She adds like this softness to both his and Ava’s personalities and they can turn off the competition when she’s around. She tempers both of them where they can have this actually thriving relationship. So when it’s just Connor and Ava, the sex is faster and filled with this needy, brutal energy; just trying to fuck out the problems they refuse to resolve with words. The direct competition is hard on them and when they’re alone it’s always hovering over them with this foreboding dark cloud. If they don’t think about it, they don’t need to address it. Sarah and Ava is a lot more playful. Ava can pull a smile out of Sarah like her life depended on it, and she’s just so enamored with Sarah and her shyness and the she’s like almost blind to how attracted the two of them are to her. She’s usually the one that has Sarah pressed up against the elevator door on their way home. Sarah and Connor are very sweet. He likes that he can pull out his most romantic moves and she really appreciates them. Not that Ava wouldn’t, but Sarah is a romantic nerd at heart and likes the more traditional date nights. They’re the two that are most likely to have slow dances in the living room and sweet sex in the bedroom. When the three of them can actually manage all being together when they aren’t too tired or have to work at a stupid early time, there’s like this thrum between all of them. An excitement and playfulness that normally isn’t there, and all of them get a little handsier than usual. Sarah’s leaning into Connor’s chest and he’s got his arms around both their waists. Ava’s playing with Sarah’s hair as they wait for their meals to come out, and Connor’s just making moon eyes across from them. They’re all just so careful to like memorize and take in every detail when they’re all together.
Pets/Living Together
They don’t have any pets. It’s just very unreasonable with their schedules and the life styles they like to keep of going out for drinks and dinner until late. Sarah loves animals though, so it’s not entirely off the table, just until Sarah’s not a resident anymore. They don’t live with each other, but none of them ever really sleep at their own place most of the time. Connor’s apartment gets the most use because it’s closest to the night life of the city and it has the biggest bed and the nicest views. It also has indoor parking for the cold Chicago winters which Sarah loves. Sarah’s house is cozy and nice and usually they’ll sleep there when she has a big day ahead of her. She’s a creature of habit and only in this relationship has she been ok staying over at her significant others’s house. And while her bed’s not as big, it is the most comfortable and so the just sleep a little closer. They spend the least amount of time at Ava’s. She wasn’t even really unpacked until the three started seriously dating. Then Sarah told her it was very sad that she had no life here and they spent the whole day making her house more homey. Sarah suggested getting her a fish to liven it up, but was shot down by both surgeons out of fear for it dying when they weren’t there.
Reestead
So this one is honestly a short term ship at best, but still sweet.
So after Sarah breaks up with Noah she decides to take a break from any kind of romance and starts looking for ways to make more of a difference in the world. She begins volunteering at different community centers and youth organizations to kind of consume all the time she doesn’t spend at the hospital. Sarah, once again, becomes attached to a kid she meets at the community center she volunteers at and is really torn up when she witnesses a drive by that leaves him in a wheelchair. She’s interviewed on scene by one of the beat cops, but she sees Kim and Jay across the way and makes a mental note to check up on the progress. Soon she actually goes to 21 and asks Jay what happened and if there’s anything she can do. She knows all the kids there and is familiar with the faces and so she actually plays a major part in helping solve the case. Jay gives her a ride back to the hospital so the two of them can talk to the kid who was shot, and survived. Jay kind of sees this really warm and confident and vibrant side to Sarah that he never has when he’s talked to her before. He makes his own mental note, and carries on with the case. They’re all grateful she helped them out in the case and Jay tells Sarah she can call him if she ever needs anything. They see each other at Molly’s and talk a bit, but nothing actually happens for months.
He get’s a call at like midnight 4 months from the shooting and it’s Sarah whose voice sounds shaky like she’s about to cry, and so he rushes down to the hospital where Sarah is pacing outside a door in the ED. He thinks she’s crying but her face is pure fury (she’s an angry crier, which only makes her more angry when someone points it out). Someone assaulted one of the girls she works with at the youth center and the officer who brought her in made this horrible crack about her being a sex worker and asking for it. Sarah more or less kicked him out of the hospital, but still wanted the girl to be able to file a report with someone. And she didn’t know who to call but him. And so once again they work on this case and Sarah just becomes so impassioned when she sees these kids hurt and he’d never think anyone would say this, but Sarah Reese looks ferocious, like she’s ready to take on the world for them. They get closer after this and eventually Jay invites her to a hockey game. To which she knows none of the rules, but really enjoys spending time with him and has a great night. Sarah loves that he’s so dedicated to helping people, and that he’s past that shit head 20 something thing that her exes both had. He’s mature and respects her dedication to her volunteering. Jay appreciates how different she is from Erin. She’s young and unjaded and she thinks she can change the world. It’s refreshing and things heat up between the two broken hearts.
They date casually, neither of them have a ton of time for romance or a relationship, but it’s definitely more than a one night stand/booty call situation because Sarah doesn’t know how to not do commitment. In the end they just kind of fizzle out. It’s a lot of work and neither one of them are the best at opening up when they aren’t with the person during the day. They end on really great terms and Sarah is always allowed to call his number at any time if she needs help, or more likely, one of her kids needs help. And she’s always there to check up on him, to stop him from completely running himself ragged. He’s the one who introduces her to the vet groups, and where she get’s really impassioned to help soldiers on the streets.
What they fight about
Sarah putting herself in harms way for these kids. This continues on after their break up, too. She’s so dedicated to being that person for them because most don’t have anyone else, that she will take dangerous risks. Sarah’s also the daughter of a defense attorney and so I can see her cringing and being shocked at some of the things she hears/sees while helping 21 out.
Dates
They had a really tough time finding a good balance between the two of them. They have just totally different interests when it comes to dates, so the first month it just alternated between some sports game (which Sarah didn’t get), a museum (which kind of bored Jay), Molly’s (which barely counted as a date) and Netflix and Chilling. They started doing more outdoors stuff and found, although Sarah hates being cold, that it was the best common ground.
Families
Sarah’s mom is never really informed about Sarah dating a cop. They dated for like 6 months, and Sarah’s rule is only after a year she tells her mom. Will thinks it’s incredibly weird at first, and keeps asking Jay why he had to pick the youngest coworker of his to date, but he’s fairly supportive.
Sleeping/NSFW
Once and only once did Sarah ever sleep over at Jay’s. She ran into Will in Jay’s shirt and nothing else and was so mortified that she wouldn’t look at him for the next week. They spend a lot of time at Sarah’s and she always keeps his favorite beer in stock because he usually comes over after all the stores around her place close. On those late nights they usually don’t make it past her couch. It’s beer and fast undressing, and Stranger Things afterwards. They both wake up at 3 AM with kinks in their necks before they move to her bed for the last 4 hours.
#chicago med#sarah reese#reethan#reestead#rheesker#i more or less wrote out my fic ideas#that i will probably never finish#let me know what you think
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PHYSICAL !!
1. Describe the character’s height and build. Is she heavyset, thin, short, rangy? I’d say average. She’s 5′5.
2. How old is she? Sixteen.
3. Describe her posture. Does she carry herself well or does she slouch? She carries herself pretty well.
4. How is her health? Is she fit or out of shape? Any illnesses or conditions? Any physical disabilities? She’s in decent shape, no disabilities.
5. How does she move? Is she clumsy, graceful, tense, fluid? Pretty graceful and softly.
6. How attractive is this character physically? How does she perceive herself in the mirror? She’s very pretty, I think. She thinks of herself as average.
7. Describe her complexion. Dark, light, clear, scarred? Light and clear.
8. Describe her hair: color, texture, style. Wavy. It falls a little past her waist, an orange-brown color. She considers herself a redhead even though her hair is more naturally brown. (Shh, don’t tell anyone.) It looks like this or this but a bit longer.
9. What color are her eyes? Amber.
10. Does the character have any other noteworthy features? A light dusting of freckles.
11. What are her chief tension centers? Her neck.
12. What is the character’s wardrobe like? Casual, dressy, utilitarian? Bright colors, pastels, neutrals? Is it varied, or does she have six of the same suit? She dresses in a lot of warm colors. Pretty casual. She likes sweaters, boots, leggings, jeans best -- but in California she obviously doesn’t get to rock those much.*****
13. Do her clothes fit well? Does she seem comfortable in them? She likes slightly oversized shirts sometimes. But for the most part, yes.
14. Does she dress the same on the job as she does in her free time? If not, what are the differences? She has to wear her high school uniform but she wears what she wants to volunteer in or on a usual basis.
15. You knew it was coming: Boxers, briefs or commando? Briefs. Sometimes boxers.
SPEECH !!
1. What does this character’s voice sound like? High-pitched, deep, hoarse? A tiny bit raspy. Sweet but mature. Soft. I mostly hear Debby Ryan* with a bit of Fawn* in my mind.
2. How does she normally speak? Loud, soft, fast, evenly? Does she talk easily, or does she hesitate? Soft, evenly, easy. She gets to rambling excitedly sometimes and talks faster or louder.
3. Does the character have a distinct accent or dialect? Any individual quirks of pronunciation? Any, like, you know, verbal tics? None that I can think of.
4. What languages does she speak, and with how much fluency? English fluently.
5. Does she switch languages or dialects in certain situations? Nah.
6. Is she a good impromptu speaker, or does she have to think about her words? She is okay at impromptu.
7. Is she eloquent or inarticulate? Under what circumstances might this change? I’d say closer to eloquent. Less so when she’s feeling hyper/eager.
MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL !!
1. How intelligent is this character? Is she book-smart or street-smart? Fairly intelligent. A mixture of both.
2. Does she think on her feet, or does she need time to deliberate? She thinks on her feet. It gets her in trouble.
3. Describe the character’s thought process. Is she more logical, or more intuitive? Idealistic or practical? Intuitive but she can come up with some good ideas. It depends on the situation.
4. What kind of education has the character had? She’s a junior so that’s it as of now.
5. What are her areas of expertise? What, if anything, is she interested in learning more about? Anything that comes to animals. Especially pets or woodland creatures. She’s thinking about looking into veterinary practice.
6. Is she an introvert or an extrovert? Extrovert.
7. Describe the character’s temperament. Is she even-tempered or does she have mood swings? Cheerful or melancholy? Laid-back or driven? She is fairly even-tempered and usually happy. If she learns of an injustice, that’s a different story. Cheerful and driven. But also laid-back at the same time...?
8. How does she respond to new people or situations? Is she suspicious, relaxed, timid, enthusiastic? Enthusiastic.
10. Which is her default: fight or flight? She doesn’t back down.
11. Describe the character’s sense of humor. Does she appreciate jokes? Puns? Gallows humor? Bathroom humor? Pranks? Pranks, for sure, but she isn’t picky about what makes her laugh. She loves jokes.
12. Does the character have any diagnosable mental disorders? If yes, how does she deal with them? She doesn’t have any.
13. What moments in this character’s life have defined her as a person? I’m not sure that any specific moments have changed who she is. She’s always been a passionate, nurturing, rebellious person.
14. What does she fear? Not being able to make a difference.
15. What are her hopes or aspirations? To make a difference, and own as many pets as possible.
16. What is something she doesn’t want anyone to find out about her? Fawn is a pretty open book. She isn’t keeping any secrets.
RELATIONSHIPS !!
1. Describe this character’s relationship with her parents. Fawn has always had a good relationship with her parents. She’s been daddy’s little girl from day one, as a child she was almost always in his arms. She is a lot like her mother. Both of them love, support and accept her the way that parents should and they are proud of her for being someone that takes a stand. They are what she misses the most about home, other than her fur babies. She doesn’t blame them for sending her away, their hands were tied, she just hopes they know she loves them the same.
2. Does the character have any siblings? What is/was their relationship like? No, and she’s happy with her life how it is -- she’s the center of her parents’ worlds this way. But it might’ve been cool to have a brother or sister to torment with pranks and braid her hair for her.
3. Are there other blood relatives to whom she is close? Are there ones she can’t stand? She doesn’t see her mom’s family much. She has a lot of uncles, aunts and cousins on her dad’s side. They come around for holidays so just a few times throughout the year, but she loves all of them.
4. Are there other, unrelated people whom she considers part of her family? What are her relationships with them? The Pixie Hollow girls are her sisters.
5. Who is the character’s best friend? How did they meet? Tink, Vidia, Iridessa, (probably Rosetta) and Silvermist, obviously. Also Oliver is a pure bean that she adores. She met them all at Walt.
6. Does she have other close friends? Does ‘every animal she meets’ count?
7. Does she make friends easily, or does she have trouble getting along with people? She makes friends easily.
8. Which does she consider more important: family or friends? Both.
9. Is the character single, married, divorced, widowed? Has she been married more than once? She is single. The only boyfriend/husband she had was in elementary school when the kids paired off.
10. Is she currently in a romantic relationship with someone other than a spouse? She is not.
11. Who was her first crush? Who is her latest? She’s not crushing on anyone as of late, and I don’t think she’s had very many lasting crushes in her life. She might see a boy holding a puppy and think “wow he’s cute” but then she gets distracted by the puppy and forgets he’s there.
12. What does she look for in a romantic partner? An animal lover. It is very important that the person she’s with cares about having pets and lots of them. If not, it is not going to work. Sorry. Other than that she only wants to have feelings for the person and for them to be reciprocated.
13. Does the character have children? Grandchildren? If yes, how does she relate to them? If no, does she want any? She doesn’t, but she’d love to be a mom one day!
14. Does she have any rivals or enemies? Not anyone right now.
15. What is the character’s sexual orientation? Where does she fall on the Kinsey scale? She is most likely heterosexual. A zero or a one. She would never be against being with someone solely because of gender but she’s only ever been attracted to/crushed on males.
16. How does she feel about sex? How important is it to her? She isn’t ready for sex right now. She’s only sixteen and she has no love interest. It isn’t something she thinks about all that much. She will worry about it when she’s in a relationship -- a long term relationship -- and she feels safe and comfortable with someone and wants to take that next step.
17. What are her turn-ons? Turn-offs? Weird bedroom habits? Heck if she knows.
BELIEFS !!
1. Do you know your character’s astrological (zodiac of choice) sign? How well does she fit type? She’s an October baby, born on the third, so she’s a Libra. I think there are other signs that would fit her better.
2. Is this character religious, spiritual, both, or neither? How important are these elements in her life? She’s Christian. She used to go to church on Sundays and the occasional Wednesday back at home, but she was shushed a lot for talking during service and for awhile known as the girl that chased a rat throughout the pews. It’s important to her to believe there is a God and an afterlife but if she’s being honest, she’s never read the bible and she has no immediate plans to.
3. Does this character have a personal code of morals or ethics? If so, how did that begin? What would it take to compromise it? Help those that cannot help themself. Be kind. Live your own life. I don’t think anything could change those.
4. How does she regard beliefs that differ from hers? Is she tolerant, intolerant, curious, indifferent? As long as those beliefs aren’t hurting people, she’s tolerant and curious.
5. What prejudices does she hold? Are they irrational or does she have a good reason for them? She’s prejudice against people that do not like any kind of animal. How can someone not like animals?
DAILY LIFE !!
1. What is the character’s financial situation? Is she rich, poor, comfortable, in debt? Average. Her family gets by.
2. What is her social status? Has this changed over time, and if so, how has the change affected her? She’s not necessarily popular but she is friendly and outgoing. She has never had to worry about where to eat lunch or who to walk with in the halls, here or at her old school.
3. Where does she live? House, apartment, trailer? Is her home her castle or just a place to crash? What condition is it in? Does she share it with others? Her dorm, and she has decorated it in warm colors with photos of pets and family and she has those little lights strung around her bed and it’s all organized and cozy and cute. She loves it. I love it. The dorm of my dreams.
4. Besides the basic necessities, what does she spend her money on? Helping animals in need.
5. What does she do for a living? Is she good at it? Does she enjoy it, or would she rather be doing something else? She’s a student right now. She’s good at some classes, others not so much, but she does more than enough to get by. When she isn’t doodling cat faces all over her test pages.
6. What are her interests or hobbies? How does she spend her free time? She likes to volunteer at animal shelters. She enjoys reading and decorating, doodling. But for the most part if she’s got free time on her hands, she’s going to be outside climbing trees and talking to birds.
7. What are her eating habits? Does she skip meals, eat out, drink alcohol, avoid certain foods? I think she has average eating habits. She probably eats healthier than most teenagers, opting for fruit over candy bars on a normal basis and snacking on veggie straws over chips. She doesn’t drink alcohol. Most of her meals she either makes herself because they are simple or orders from town.
ASSOCIATIONS !!
1. Color? Orange.
2. Smell? Puppy breath.
3. Time of day? She’s a morning girl.
4. Season? Spring. But she’s partial to Fall too.
5. Book? Because Of Winn-Dixie.
6. Music? Alternative rock, indie pop, she isn’t picky.
7. Place? She’s a Georgia girl at heart.
8. Substance? Lemonade.
9. Plant? Sunflowers.
10. Animal? All of them.
EVERY * LEADS TO A PICTURE !!
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1028
survey by lets-make-surveys
1 - What was the last thing you watched on TV?
The last TV show I watched was Friends, but the last thing I saw on TV was the evening news, as is always our companion when having dinner.
2 - Do you have the heating or air conditioning on at the moment?
I have the fan on, like always. I just turn on the aircon in the evening because I want to be comfortable after a long day and when trying to fall asleep.
3 - When was the last time you did something to help someone else?
Andi was having a dilemma about an already-secure job offer for a position they don’t 100% like vs. a job they know they would enjoy a lot more but isn’t guaranteed at all. I helped weigh out the pros and cons with them, but I didn’t necessarily stick to a position as I didn’t want to dictate a choice for them.
4 - If you have a job, have you been busier or quieter since the whole COVID thing hit?
I was a student, then was unemployed, then got hired throughout this COVID fiasco so far. For the first two, life had been quiet for me and I really hated feeling like having no contribution at home. My plate is definitely a lot fuller now and I’m glad I have things to do and earn for myself while doing so.
5 - Do you spend more time on your own or with others? Are you happy with that?
On my own. I think it’s best for me at the moment.
6 - Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with autism?
Yes.
7 - Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? What about your tonsils or your appendix?
None of these. I’ve had a tooth removed, but it wasn’t a wisdom tooth.
8 - Are you scared of needles?
Very. I hate most sharp things, and I am an embarrassment whenever I’m at the hospital and need to be pricked with something.
9 - Do you dress more for comfort, fashion or practicality?
I try to strike a balance between comfort and fashion, but sometimes I’ll prioritize comfort and sometimes I’ll prioritize fashion. But practicality is definitely barely in my criteria when picking outfits.
10 - When was the last time you smoked a cigarette?
I think it may have been February. I only smoke with other people and I’ve never bought my own pack.
11 - Would you rather drink tea, coffee, hot chocolate or water?
In the grand scheme of things, water. But right now, a hot chocolate sounds heavenly.
12 - Do you have a lot of ornaments around your house?
Yes. We also have our Christmas tree already up, so that has also boosted the amount of ornaments we have.
13 - Do you own more books or DVD’s?
Books. While I have a number of DVDs, I never really an avid collector of them. My dad introduced me to torrent websites at a young age so that’s how I’ve been getting movies for the longest time.
14 - How often would you say you took surveys?
Throughout the quarantine I had taken surveys daily. But with me now having work and usually being too exhausted by the end of the day, I think I’ll be back to taking surveys only on weekends now like how it was when I was in school.
15 - Have you ever worn a uniform to school or work?
Yes, I had to wear a uniform in my old school.
16 - Who was the first person you had a sleepover with? Are you still in touch with that person today?
It would have to be either Angela or Gabie. Yes, I still talk to both.
17 - When you were growing up, did you have any friends who were almost like family to you?
Katreen’s and Angela’s families were second families to me. For a time back in grade school, Katreen’s mom actually used to pick me up alongside Katreen every Friday and then I would stay at their place until around 9 PM, when my mom would get back from work and pick me up. They did such a wonderful job making me feel like family, and I hope they’re all doing well today.
18 - Could you cook an entire Christmas or Thanksgiving Dinner entirely on your own with no help from other people or recipe books?
Yes but it would not be edible.
19 - Do you cook from scratch or do you rely more on ready meals or frozen food?
I rely on people in my family who can actualy cook, ha.
20 - What’s your favourite type of fast food? Is it something you eat often?
KFC would have to be my favorite. Those 11 herbs and spices don’t fuck around, man. It’s not the cheapest of fast food options, so I don’t get to have it a lot and it’s usually tradition for me to get KFC only when I feel like I deserve a reward for an accomplishment or after a grueling week.
21 - If you’ve been under a lockdown or stay-at-home order, what did you find the most difficult about it?
Not having been able to see my friends, go out as a group, and stay out late. Also, not getting a normal college graduation and being unable to spend my last semester as a college student just being a dumb college student doing dumb college student things.
22 - Do you still buy or read any magazines?
I’ll sometimes read the online versions of magazines especially if one of them comes out with a compelling article, but I don’t follow any of them religiously.
23 - As a teenager, what did you spend most of your pocket money or allowance on?
I went out with friends on the weekends, so my savings mostly went to food and Uber (back when we still had Uber, and back when none of us could drive yet).
24 - Do you have much of a sweet tooth?
I have my moods for sure, but I love savory a lot more.
25 - Are there any common “popular” foods that you don’t particularly like yourself? Have people ever told you you’re odd/strange for disliking that particular food?
Fruits. I get judged for it all the time, but I honestly live for the reactions hahaha. To this day it’s still my go-to fact to say whenever I have to share something about myself. There’s also sinigang, but that is such a universally-loved food and is such a huge source of pride for Filipinos that I just keep it to myself because people get genuinely annoyed/offended when they hear that I don’t like sinigang LOL
26 - Likewise, are there are any commonly hated foods that you love?
BALUT
27 - Would you rather eat pizza or pasta?
Pizza. Easy.
28 - Do you own a lot of store loyalty cards?
I just have the one for my gas station, so no.
29 - When was the last time you read a newspaper?
I had to view a newspaper article for work yesterday, but I have not read a full newspaper in years.
30 - What kind of noises can you hear around you right now?
There’s the fan in my room and construction outside our house.
--
survey by lets-make-surveys
1 - Do you have a car? How long have you had it and how much did it cost?
Yeah but it’s technically not mine; my parents made the purchase and they gave it to me as a high school graduation present. They’re also the ones who take care of and pay for its maintenance, like taking it to oil changes; so literally my only contribution has been to drive it HAHAHA. I’ve been driving it since 2016 and I’m pretty sure it cost them less than a million bucks. It was probably around P800,000–900,000.
2 - Who was the last person to send you a message on Facebook?
Andi was checking up on how I’ve been. I appreciated that.
3 - What did you have for breakfast this morning?
I haven’t had it yet but I will probably skip it. I might make myself coffee, though.
4 - Do you have any scented candles lit at the moment?
I never have any scented candles.
5 - When was the last time you left your house? When will be the next time you go out?
Yesterday afternoon. There was nothing left to do for work and my superiors hadn’t been asking me to do any tasks anymore, so I went out to get myself Starbucks before my shift was actually over, haha oops. I might be going out next Tuesday to pick up my new card from the bank.
6 - Does anyone in real life follow your survey blog? If so, does it make you think twice about some of your answers? If not, are you ever paranoid that someone will find your blog and read your answers?
No. My sister has been wanting to make a survey blog but she just never got around to making it because she thinks she’ll end up being inactive; but that’s about it on the irl people front. If she ever makes one, I’d prefer we didn’t follow one another as doing so would make things awkward.
7 - When was the last time someone stopped talking to you? Have you made up with that person since?
Gabie doesn’t speak with me regularly anymore. We’re not on bad terms so there’s nothing to make up, but she has told me it’s out of shame that she doesn’t initiate conversations with me these days.
8 - Who was the last person you argued or bickered with?
I haven’t had an argument with anyone in a while.
9 - Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day? If you’re about to go to bed, what are your plans for tomorrow?
Catch up on surveys as I haven’t done them all week, anddddd figure out what to do with my embroidery kit as I’ve run out of the provided thread :(
10 - Did you have any e-mails in your inbox the last time you checked?
It’s the weekend so no, I haven’t received anything new.
11 - What time did you wake up this morning? Did you have to set an alarm or did you wake up naturally?
It was 7:08 AM when I had checked. I just woke up naturally.
12 - When was the last time it snowed where you live?
Probably when it was still a part of Pangaea or something. We don’t get snow on this side of the world and the nearest place that does is probably like South Korea, which is not near us at all.
13 - Does it bother you if you’re wearing odd socks?
Like, mismatched ones? No, I find it cute actually.
14 - Is there anything small that bothers you way more than it should?
Right now. I had sent out an event invite to certain media last Thursday for work, and one of them replied only by 6 PM last night. I only saw it by 9:30 and replied, then she got back with a question by around 9:50 PM, and at that point I decided against replying because it was already nearing 10 PM and I didn’t want to be rude. I want to reply today but it’s the weekend and I don’t wanna be the jerk that brings up work on the weekend, but I also don’t want to leave her hanging because I had technically cut our conversation short.
OK I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about it and I ended up replying hahaha. It just didn’t sit well with me to blow her off for the weekend when her last message was a question for me. So I answered her for her clarification, but I just made sure to let her know there’s no pressure for her to get back to me this weekend.
15 - Would you rather read a book, watch a film or play a video game?
Watch someone play a video game, tbh.
16 - Why did you last attend a doctors’ appointment?
Because my fever wasn’t going away and I wanted to get rid of it so bad.
17 - Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
The person from Pizza Hut who took my order, I think? lol
18 - How many different colours have you dyed your hair over the years? is your hair your natural colour at the moment?
I’ve never had it dyed, so it has always been black.
19 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury snacks?
I have moods for both, but as a whole I think I’d go for savory.
20 - When was the last time you got up to use the bathroom?
A couple of hours ago.
21 - Do you spend more money on shoes or clothes?
I spend more often on clothes but they aren’t always necessarily expensive. I don’t buy shoes often, but when I do they’re usually quite expensive, so. I’m not sure how to answer this question, but it goes two ways for me.
22 - Are you glad that Biden won the 2020 elections?
I’m glad he won but at the end of the day he’s still just the lesser evil. I won’t really know anything until I see him and his moves in office, so I’ll have to wait until then.
23 - What kind of things do you do to try and save the planet?
I segregate, turn off the faucet when it isn’t being used, never turn on my bedroom light, and before Covid I’d pick up trash I’d see at the mall.
24 - Are you, or have you ever been, vegetarian or vegan?
I haven’t been either but I do opt for vegan options when I see one on the menu.
25 - What was the last thing you threw in the bin/garbage?
A cotton bud.
26 - How many times a week do you exercise? Do you think that’s enough or should you really be doing more?
I never do. I know I should probably do so, but eh.
27 - When was the last time you had to cancel or re-arrange plans you'd made? What was the reason behind it?
LOL well...I’m currently having to rearrange and revise and adjust my entire life plans because of this stupid breakup.
28 - Have you ever had to wear braces?
Yes. But I’ll have to avail them again because I did a terrible job keeping my retainers on.
29 - What cut of jeans do you prefer?
Mom jeans that are a little more loose than skinny jeans, but aren’t too baggy.
30 - If you’re planning to spend the day at home, do you get properly dressed or just wear pyjamas?
I wear my usual getup of a t-shirt/tank top and shorts.
--
survey by lets-make-surveys
1 - What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand?
It was an argument with the entire family, sans my sister who stayed silently watching during the whole thing as she hates conflict. We had just flown back to Manila from a vacation and we were all just tired and impatient and hungry, my mom found a way to shift the blame on me as per usual, some words were exchanged, and my brother ended up slapping me and it was on hell on earth from there. Things weren’t ok for a whole week, but slowly life went back to normal without us ever acknowledging it because we’re dysfunctional as fuck. The one thing that never ended up changing is my dynamic with my brother, with whom I stopped speaking permanently after what he did.
2 - Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster?
A lot; my country is a big hot spot for typhoons, so we don’t really have a choice but to go through several of them every year. Sometimes it’ll get bad enough for us to make it to international news because our government doesn’t really do anything to help out victims.
3 - If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favourite thing to have?
They both get human food. I’m not sure what Cooper’s favorite is as Nina primarily feeds him; but Kimi is most obsessed with chicken.
4 - Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won?
Just play wrestling matches with my cousin when we were kids. He always won as he was older and a lot bigger than me.
5 - What were you lighting the last time you used a lighter or matches?
I don’t light stuff up on my own because I’m scared of fire, but the last time we used matches was for lighting up our emergency candles because of the power outage from last week.
6 - What’s the weather currently doing where you are?
It is annoyingly humid. I had to open my windows and roll up my window blinds today, which I hate having to do because it makes neighbors able to see my room and what I’m doing here -_____- I feel like I’m giving away my privacy every time I have to have the blinds up just to have colder air in.
7 - The last time you got up from your seat, what did you go and do?
Before doing this I came from bed. When I felt like doing a survey I just got up and headed to my work desk.
8 - Name five things you’ve done so far today:
Received a package for something I bought online, made myself a sandwich, ate cheese-flavored corn chips, watch a half-season of Friends, and bought another embroidery kit online (I’ve been calling it ‘cross-stitch’ this whole time but apparently that is wrong, whoops). Not a very productive Saturday, but it’s honestly ok considering I’m left exhausted from the past week.
9 - What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most?
I drive myself.
10 - When was the last time you got caught in a rain or snow storm? Were you dressed for it or did you end up getting soaked?
Start of the month. I was driving to take Cooper to the vet when it suddenly started raining super hard, but it was only upon arriving at the clinic that I realized there wasn’t any umbrella in the car. Had to make a quick dash from the car to the nearest shade, all the while keeping Cooper under my jacket so that he stayed dry. I was soaked as shit but he was kept dry, which was all that mattered.
11 - Did your favourite Disney film come out before or after you were born?
I have two favorites: Toy Story came out three years before I was born, but Tangled came 12 years after my birth.
12 - Are you a fan of musicals?
No, I never saw the appeal.
13 - What the last thing you spent money on apart from necessities?
My favorite coffee from Starbucks. It’s a win-win situation for me at the moment: my mom is asking for a Starbucks planner for Christmas, which means all I need to do for her gift is to keep ordering coffees from there until I’ve collected enough stickers to be entitled to a planner, heheh.
14 - Are there any sequels to things that you prefer to the original?
Ooh, I’m not the biggest fan of movies that come in multiple parts so I don’t know if I have any picks. I can name covers that I like than the original songs, though.
15 - How often do you lose the remote control?
I haven’t really sat down in front of a TV to watch shows since high school, so I haven’t temporarily lost a remote control since then.
16 - When was the last time you had problems with your internet connection?
Last Thursday and Friday but only because the power went out.
17 - What games do you play on your phone, if any at all?
I play 1010 the most, but I’ve got tons of other games that are just sitting in my menu just in case I’m suddenly in the mood to play them.
18 - Aside from family, who was the last person you spent time with? How do you know that person?
I dunno, I guess the people in my work meeting video call yesterday afternoon? It was my first meeting with that particular team as the newbie at work, so I don’t actually know all of them that well yet.
19 - Are you currently warm, cold or just right?
I am hot and irritated by it.
20 - Do you prefer showers or baths? When was the last time you had either?
Showers; my last one was yesterday. My last bath was...no clue. Two years ago, maybe?
21 - Do you spend a lot of money on your appearance?
I used to spend a lot on clothes, yeah, at least before Covid. But right now there really has been no point in upgrading my wardrobe, so I haven’t been buying any new pieces.
22 - When was the last time you spent more than £100 on something? Was it a necessity like a bill, or a treat for yourself?
I have never spent ₱6,408 in one sitting, whether it be for myself, for a necessity, or for someone else. That’s crazy and will probably take a couple more years before I see myself making transactions that huge.
23 - Would you rather swim in the sea, a lake or a pool?
Seeeeeeeea. I always feel at peace in the sea, and ugh I miss it so much.
24 - Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals?
I wouldn’t call it a zookeeper experience, but we went to some sort of animal park in Bali that let me carry and interact with all sorts of animals.
25 - Would you ever want the responsibility of being a politician or a similar position of power?
Probably not. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.
26 - How many times a week do you go to the grocery store?
My parents go at least once a week to buy groceries.
27 - When was the last time you got a takeaway coffee or drink?
Last night. Being able to earn money and spend it on myself and never have to ask from my parents anymore has been one of the highlights of my year so far, aaaahhhhh
28 - Do you quote films or TV shows as you’re watching them?
If I love the film and memorize a chunk of the dialogue, yes. The movie I quote the most as I watch it is most definitely Titanic.
29 - What’s something your parents do that really annoys you?
My dad doesn’t really do anything that annoys me. My mom doesn’t knock.
30 - If you had to quarantine for two weeks tomorrow due to testing positive to COVID, would you be able to survive on the things you had in your house?
Yes. I’ll be locked in my room but my dad will probably be bringing me food, just the way he did when I got sick last May and had to isolate myself.
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Kanye West Says God DELIVERT Him From Sex & Porn Addiction, Hits Fashion Gala With Sexy-Dressed Kim After Spat Over Her Look + Ye’s Not Looking For Black Twitter’s Validation
Kanye West had a busy night last night as he was gearing up to drop his new album, Jesus Is King. Find out what he was up to with his wife Kim Kardashian West, plus what he said about God delivering him from porn addiction, his response to backlash he received about his wife's sexy attire, asking everyone who worked on Jesus Is King to abstain from premarital sex, and not giving a **** what Black Twitter thinks.
Kanye West was BUSY last night.
Before popping up on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!,” Ye and his wife Kim Kardashian West made their way to the 2019 FGI Night Of Stars Gala at Cipriani Wall Street in NYC. The couple mixed and mingled throughout the night, rubbing elbows with Martha Stewart.
“They seemed to really enjoy her,” an eyewitness told Us Weekly. “Kanye and Kim had huge smiles on their faces. Martha then took a photo with them.”
Before the release of his much-delayed religious album, Jesus Is King, Ye sat down for a lengthy interview with Beats 1’s Zane Lowe on Apple Music where he responded to the backlash he received for comments he made about his wife's “too sexy” appearance. Here’s some backstory…
On the October 13th episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” Kanye & Kim got into a heated discussion about Kim’s Met Gala corset dress – which took 8-months to make.
“I went through this transition where being a rapper, looking at all these girls and looking at my wife, like, ‘Oh my girl needs to be just like the other girls showing their body off,'” he said. “I didn’t realize that that was affecting my soul and my spirit as someone who is married and the father of now … about to be four kids,” he told Kim. "A corset is a form of underwear. It's hot. It's like, it's hot for who though?"
"The night before [the Met Gala] you're going to come in here and say you're not into the corset look? You're giving me really bad anxiety, Kim responded. "I don't need any more negative energy."
“You are my wife and it affects me when pictures are too sexy," the rapper said to his wife.
The "KUWTK" star popped back with the perfect response (we can’t believe we’re saying this):
“You built me up to be this sexy person and confidence and all this, and just because you’re on a journey and transformation doesn’t mean I’m in the same spot with you,” she said.
Ye wasn't feeling her response, so he got up and stormed out of the room.
Watch it go down below:
Kanye West tells Kim K that he gets affected when her pictures are “too sexy” pic.twitter.com/WjQ43VRwWY
— DatPiff (@DatPiff) October 14, 2019
The fact he’s telling her to NOT dress sexy despite that being the main reason he married and EMPHASIZED it more once he did is …interesting. You’ll recall how he had Kim overly sexualized in his videos and spreads of his. And he also had her throw out her entire wardrobe and bought every piece of clothing for her. Needless to say, folks were going in on Kanye and now he’s responding.
“I suffer and I appreciate the suffering because we can feel a little bit of what Jesus experienced, but I suffer on social media,” Kanye explained [at the 43:10-minute mark]. “There are other married men that I know are happy to hear me say 'Oh, I'm suffering.'”
“Social media prompts women, in particular, to put out content that they wouldn’t in the past,” he continued. “When I was younger and I wanted to see something like that I had to pay someone who was older … Now I have friends who have kids who are just out of grammar schoo, high school and it’s readily available.”
Isn't this what he made his wife do?
He talked about how he thought he was influencing the culture, but it was really the culture influencing him - his words.
"I thought I was the god of culture but really culture was my god . . . What is a culture today? What are some of the major things that it includes and all of the major points of what might make the culture?" he said. "Taking a knee at a football game, wearing expensive clothes, rapping about—just rap, period—making money from rap, making money from basketball, buying jewelry. Using social media is a very major part of the culture. To be down with or part of the culture, you have to use social media. None of these things that you need to be involved in order to be down with the culture are owned by black people. So who designed the culture?"
He said social media is like the modern-day cigarette.
The “God Is” rapper got real about his struggles with porn addiction and how it started at a very early age.
“Playboy was my gateway into full-blown pornography addiction. My dad had a Playboy left out at age 5, and it’s affected almost every choice I made for the rest of my life,” he shared. From age 5 to now, having to kick the habit. And it just presents itself in the open, like it’s OK. And I stand up and say, you know, it’s not OK.”
“That Playboy that I found when I was 5 years old was written all over the moment that I was at the MTV Awards with the Timberlands, the Balmain jeans -- before people were rocking Balmain jeans and the Hennessy bottle,” West said [at the 29-minute mark].
“My mom had passed a year before, and I said, ‘Some people drown themselves in drugs. And I drown myself in my addiction.’ Sex. That’s what fed the ego, too. Money, clothes, cars, accolades, social media, paparazzi photos, going to Paris fashion week, all of that.”
As he continues on his spiritual journey, he wanted everyone who worked on his Jesus Is King album to abstain from premarital sex, which is one of the ten commandments, and to fast.
"There were times where I was asking people to fast during the album. There were times when I was asking people not to have premarital sex while they were working on the album," he said. "There's times when I went to people who were working on other projects to just focus on this [his album]."
Hmm...if you were on Yeezy's team would follow suit?
The Chi-town rapper said he's living for God and plans on spreading the gospel just like he did with the sinful things he used to partake in.
"Now that I’m in service to Christ, my job is to spread the gospel, to let people know what Jesus has done for me. I’ve spread a lot of things," he said in the interview. "There was a time I was letting you know what high fashion had done for me, I was letting you know what the Hennessy had done for me, but now I’m letting you know what Jesus has done for me, and in that I’m no longer a slave, I’m a son now, a son of God. I’m free."
"The most space that I had to think is when I went to the hospital. One of the things that happened when I went to the hospital is I started reading the Bible and I started writing and copying out Bible verses and a person came to my house that wasn’t a Christian and told me come over, and 30 minutes later I was in handcuffs headed to the hospital. Now this person very well may have saved my life because when you’re in an episode you could jump off the side of a balcony you can stab your eye out you can do a lot of things when you’re ramped up like that, but one of the things that people do now is they try to discriminate against my mind and my thoughts because of that moment."
He gives all credit to the Lord for his transition:
“With God, I’ve been able to beat things that had a full control of me,” he said.
Oh, and he wouldn't be Ye if he didn't stroke his own ego heavy:
"I am unquestionably, undoubtedly the greatest human artist of all time. It's just a fact."
He sounds like his homie Trump.
At one point, he talked about becoming president of the United States.
”Every one of these guys that are founders now have to look me eye-to-eye. Every founder on the planet. There will be a time when I will be president of the United States. And I will remember, I will forgive, but I will remember every founder who didn’t have the capacity to understand culturally what we were doing.”
When asked if he's running in 2024, he said he's working on some things.
Peep his full interview below:
youtube
In another interview...
“I’m not looking for your validation I’m only looking for God’s validation I don’t care about what black Twitter got to say...” @kanyewest x @BigBoy interview here https://t.co/rJNPLJPpXe #JesusIsKing @BBNcrew pic.twitter.com/iLcEmfizc4
— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019
Kanye West continued his "I'm now a Christian or whatever will get me the most followers and profit" tour with Power 92.3's Big Boy where he talked about mental health, finding God, his new album and more. They got on the topic about validation and the rapper made it clear he doesn't care what Black Twitter thinks about what he's doing. When asked about if he cares what White Twitter thinks, he's mood changed totally. Peep the clip above.
Below are few more clips from their interview:
“Waaaake UP Mr.West wake up culture everybody think they so woke...Hip Hop ain’t ever been about following rules” @kanyewest x @BigBoy interview at 7:20am @BBNcrew tune in! #JesusIsKing pic.twitter.com/A8oEbQbDuK
— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019
Big Boy: Are you afraid of losing your audience Ye? @BigBoy
Kanye: I told you I’m only afraid of GOD, I’m afraid of my daddy, God. @kanyewest
Full interview @ 7:20am @BBNcrew tune in!#JesusIsKing pic.twitter.com/KPn9nczPdk
— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019
“I rather deal with somebody that call me an N-word to my face” @kanyewest on slavery his support for Trump & finding freedom. Tune in at 7:30am @BBNcrew @BigBoy #JesusIsKing pic.twitter.com/rEJlFJttDB
— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019
“Last year y’all try to tell me who I’m suppose to vote for because I’m black now this year white liberals are trying to tell me who to vote for because I’m Christian” @kanyewest interview at 7:30am @BBNcrew @BigBoy #JesusIsKing full article here https://t.co/LrvT9FuSZW pic.twitter.com/uoWbngg6HH
— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019
Check out the full interview below with the man who calls himself "the most taented human alive":
youtube
EXTRAS:
1. Felicity Huffman was released from prison today, three days earlier than her 14-day sentence. STORY
Photos: Getty/Instar
[Read More ...]
source http://theybf.com/2019/10/25/kanye-west-says-god-delivered-him-from-porn-addiction-asked-%E2%80%98jesus-is-king-team-to-not-ha
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Get to know me uncomfortably well
Thank you dear @rafaelina-casillas for tagging me, it was lots and lots of fun <3 <3 <3
1. What’s your middle name?
That’s a secret.
2. How old are you?
26, very soon to be 27.
3. When is your birthday?
Towards the end of the year.
4. What’s your zodiac sign?
Sagittarius
5. What’s your favourite colour?
Pink
6. What’s your lucky number?
I don’t really have one.
7. Do you have any pets?
A cat that’s already 10 years old.
8. Where are you from?
Bulgaria
9. How tall are you?
About 160 cm. so 5′3′‘.
10. What shoe size are you?
EU size - 39, which is 8,5 USA size (according to a chart I found on the web).
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Approximately 8.
12. What was your last dream about?
A singer that I like and in the dream I was playing with some cute little dogs that she ownedq it was very sweet.
13. What talents do you have?
I’m pretty good at acting and playing tennis.
14. Are you psychic in any way?
My intuition and sixth sense are pretty well-devloped so I can often predict what might happen pretty accurately, to an extent logical thinking also plays a part in that.
15. Favourite song?
I don’t have one but since I love MONSTA X and BIGBANG almost all of their songs are favourites of mine.
16. Favourite movie?
The Lord of The Rings is my absolutely favourite movie not only because it’s incredibly well-made and timeless but also because it brings back good memories of when i was younger.
17. Who would be your ideal partner?
Someone who I feel comfortable with and know i can trust; who has some similar interests with me and is open-minded so we can discuss various different topics; someone who’s honest and would speak his mind.
18. Do you want children?
Yes I do but I’m not quite ready to have a child just yet, I’d rather enjoy being carefree until my early 30s.
19. Do you want a church wedding?
I don’t want a wedding at all especially one at a church, I don’t care for either.
20. Are you religious?
Not at all, religion is something of very little interest to me.
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?
Yes but only for small trivial things and hopefully it will stay that way.
22. Have you ever gotten in trouble with the law?
Not for now and I hope i won’t.
23. Have you met any celebrities?
Yes but only local ones that I don’t really care for.
24. Baths or showers?
Showers
25. What colour of socks are you wearing?
Socks with red and white stripes (they’re Christmas themed but keep my feet sooo warm).
26. Have you ever been famous?
No and I don’t want to be.
27. What type of music do you like?
Pop, Alternative rock, Trap, RnB, Hip-Hop
28. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
No and I don’t want to.
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
One
31. What position do you sleep in?
On my side but I do move around a little bit.
32. How big is your house?
It’s not that big of an apartment.
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?
Just coffee.
34. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yes I have but it was many years ago, I was pretty bad at it.
35. Have you ever tried archery?
No but I really want to!
36. Favourite clean word?
I don’t have a particular one but lilly comes to mind.
37. Favourite swear word?
Shit
38. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?
A little over 48 hours.
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
No
41. Are you a good liar?
Not really and I hate lying.
42. Are you a good judge of character?
Yes
43. Can you do any other accents than your own?
I’m pretty bad at accents so not really.
44. Do you have a strong accent?
People tell me that I don’t but I don’t believe it.
45. What’s your favourite accent?
Scottish
46. What is your personality type?
ISFJ-T
47. What’s your most expensive piece of clothing?
My prom dress and sadly I’ve only worn it once.
48. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes
49. Are you an innie or an outie?
Innie
50. Left of right handed?
Right-handed
51. Are you scared of spiders?
Yes, I have arachnophobia.
52. Favourite food?
Chocolate
53. Favourite foreign food?
French
54. Are you a clean or messy person?
I like keeping things in order.
55. Most used phrase?
Thank you.
56. Most used word?
Yes.
57. How long does it take you to get ready?
Around 10 minutes; I usually have everything prepared in advance.
58. Do you have much of an ego?
No, I don’t have a developed sense of self-importance.
59. Do you suck or nite lollipops?
This question sounds a bit naughty; Suck.
60. Do you talk to yourself?
No, I really hate that.
61. Do you sing to yourself?
No, if I sing it’s pretty loud and only when I’m really excited.
62. Are you a good singer?
Not even a little and a horrible dancer too.
63. Biggest fear?
Spiders, embarrassment, public speaking, failure.
64. Are you a gossip?
No, I hate gossip and see absolutely no point in it.
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?
I’m not sure if Titanic counts but it’s the first one that comes to mind.
66. Do you like long or short hair?
Long even though short is much easier to maintain.
67. Can you name all 50 states in America?
Not all but a good part of them.
68. Favourite school subject?
History and English.
69. Extrovert or introvert?
Introvert
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?
I wanted to as a child but the older I get the scarier it sounds.
71. What makes you nervous?
Overthinking or waiting for long periods of time.
72. Are you scared of the dark?
Pretty scared even to this day.
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
Only if it’s necessary or they’re close to me and I know they won’t be offended.
74. Are you ticklish?
Not at all.
75. Have you ever started a rumour?
No
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?
No and I don’t want to be.
77. Have you ever drank underage?
Yes but it wasn’t much.
78. Have you ever done drugs?
No, I’m far too scared of the effect they might have.
79. Who was your first real crush?
A boy I was on an exchange program with when I was in 6th grade.
80. How many piercings do you have?
None, that seems pretty rare nowadays.
81. Can you roll your R’s?
Yes
82. How fast can you type?
Pretty fast.
83. How fast can you run?
Not very fast especially at long distances.
84. What colour is your hair?
Dark brown
85. What colour are your eyes?
Hazelnut brown
86. What are you allergic to?
I’m not really sure because I’ve never been tested for allergies.
87. Do you keep a journal?
No, I used to for a short while when I was very young.
88. What do your parents do?
Mom’s a teacher and I’m not sure how to describe my father’s job, something like maintenance maybe but not exactly.
89. Do you like your age?
No, it’s a transaction period for me full of unknowns and I’m not sure what exactly to do but I’m trying to figure it out which is very stressing and pressuring.
90. What makes you angry?
Narrow-minded and rude people, mediocrity being celebrated.
91. Do you like your own name?
Yes
92. Have you already thought about baby names? And if so, what are they?
I have some in mind but I don’t want to share.
93. Do you want a boy or girl for a child?
Why are there so many questions about children??? The gender doesn’t matter.
94. What are your strengths?
Logical thinking, being able to work under pressure, open-mindedness, adaptability.
95. What are your weaknesses?
Very low self-esteem, lack of ambition, overthinking, short temper.
96. How did you get your name?
My mother gave it to me without any specific reason.
97. Were your ancestors royalty?
I wish.
98. Do you have an scars?
Yes but they’re not that visible or big.
99. Colour of your bedspread?
Blue
100. Colour of your room?
White
I tag @mas-lina and whoever else sees this and wants to answer ^_^
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I cannot apologize enough for how late this update is. You all deserved this two months ago. But we’re closing in on the ending! Two chapters to go.
Betcha didn’t know that.
AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7216591/chapters/26450991
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Title: Of Adventures
Part 9
Part 10
The boxers dangling off the bedpost seem cheery in the morning light rather than accusatory. There’s been gaps of consciousness, waking up and remembering the night before and falling back into his dream about flying over the ocean. Water in every direction, dark against a bright sky. There had been trips to the beach when he was younger: before his mutation with his mom and nannies there were sticky popsicles and a day away from dressing up in doll-sized suits. After, with his father, it was talkative walks on a private beach below the mansion about anything EXCEPT when his next “treatment” was.
It’s so bright.
He should probably clean up in here. Warren rolls over on his side. Why did Xavier give him such a big wardrobe? Such a big room? He was the same crappy person (no, he had friends he was free, he was better) as when Apocalypse found him. A nice bedroom doesn’t change anyone for the better.
Hours after he first came to, Warren sits up. There’s no fatigue of a hangover but his mouth tastes like rotting graham crackers. He stretches as his feet hit the floor, the tips of his wings brushing against the rafters.
Why didn’t he ask Kurt to stay? He drops his head in his hands. “I’m an idiot.”
He grabs the empty bottle of vodka and drops it in the bathroom trashcan. He doesn’t remember falling asleep. He tried to grab onto Kurt before he left, not for any reason really. He wanted him there, wanted him to stay.
Warren grabs his toothbrush and slathers on the paste.
Now everyone knows he’s a slut at least. Couldn’t hide that forever. Did Kurt hate him now? He seemed pretty religious, maybe that was a piece of it too. Disgust at the disgusting.
He spits.
Or maybe Kurt’s still his same sweet self. Still smiling. God, even with all the fangs his smile looked like light made bone, still felt like a blessing.
Warren gargles and spits again.
If he’d asked, would he have stayed?
There’s a knock from outside. He takes the brush with him and opens the door, raising an eyebrow at Scott. “Whaht?”
“Hey. The Professor’s got a plan.” He nods. “You coming to the meeting?”
Warren spits onto a rogue t-shirt on the floor. “Well that was fast. In his office?”
“Yeah. Meet you there.” Scott jogs off, still in his boxers and t-shirt from last night.
Did he have to sleep in his glasses too? Warren shut the door and spit on the shirt again. He still didn’t feel clean. A few steps towards the closet and he stops and turns to look at the spit-shirt.
Whatever. It wouldn’t help.
He goes to get dressed.
“This would be a lot easier if we had Mystique here.” Jean’s speaking as Warren shuffles into Xavier’s office. “She and Eric would make this easy.”
Xavier’s face sinks slightly at her mention. “I’m afraid Raven will not be with us for this encounter.”
The corner of Warren’s mouth twitches. Raven wasn’t with them PERIOD. Four months and she still had to even show her face around the Institute. Probably back to rescuing random mutants, the way Kurt told it. His teeth clench to quell the flare of confusion. Of course she chose to take Kurt instead of him. He didn’t care if he never had to see her blue feathery nakedness ever again.
“It would be rather easy if you and I went, Charles. Don’t you think?”
Hank glances at him. “I think that his, uh, position as the most well-known mutant in the world might make that difficult, Erik.”
“Well you said you refused to send any of us,” Jean gestures to Warren, Ororo, and herself, “And the only adults here are you, the Professor, and Erik.”
“And Peter.” Erik offers. “I’m sure he wouldn’t be opposed to a little breaking and entering.”
“Erik, I’m sorry but you and Peter are not going to pretend to be a couple. Ever. It’s a matter of,” Xavier coughs uncomfortably, “Preference.”
Warren does a doubletake and raises his eyebrows. “You were planning to be a couple?”
“It’s our best plan without a straight-up military assault on the place.”
“Call the police?”
“Oh come on, where’s your sense of adventure?” Scott pats him on the shoulder as he comes through the door, Kurt following behind.
Oh god no, Warren can feel his mouth tilting upwards but he physically can’t stop the smile that grows over his face when he makes eye contact with him.
Kurt’s cheeks flare darker and he grins back.
His wings shudder as the smile spreads to his guts.
“All of our options without Mystique are cautionary at best.” Hank pulls a sheet of paper from his notebook and begins rattling off: “Xavier is too recognizable, as is Erik to some extent, I should really stay behind to run the technical aspect of all of this, and Peter’s……well, he’s Peter.” He crumples the paper and tosses it onto a similar pile on the floor. “There’s no best option.”
Scott nicks the top most ball and unfolds it. “What plan is this anyway?”
“Oh, you mean Plan G?” Erik smirks. “It’s simple really, a mutant couple who can’t conceive but wants a mutant child seeks out this organization.”
“Your plan is…….being gay.”
Warren glances at Kurt out of habit and catches his stare before looking away again.
“I know that it’s my plan,” Ororo laughs as she enters, taking the last empty slot in their circle. “But this plan will not work. If we’re going to go, we need to go. Now.”
Hank’s eyes seem to sink into his head even as his face twists with exasperation. "This is a delicate operation that will take time.”
“You certainly didn’t waste time taking down Apocalypse,” she fires back.
“That’s a completely different situation.”
“No, it’s not.” Warren crosses his arms and opens his wings wider. “These kids have probably been going through hell since Mira escaped. Things will only get worse the longer we wait.”
Erik casts an eye on Hank. “My thoughts exactly.”
Hank stutters and looks to Xavier.
The Professor steeples his hands and runs a hand over his, still conspicuously bald, head. “From Mira’s memories, I have to concur. I was hoping we could think of an alternative but it seems we might not have a choice. Besides,” he locks eyes with Jean, “I believe yesterday’s antics have proven that we may not have as much sway as we think we have.”
“I’ll go ready the jet.” Hank stands and breaks the calm in the room, jumpstarting Warren’s heart. “The rest of you should suit up.”
“I’ll stay here and communicate with you through Cerebro,” Xavier promises. “A sort of organic Communicator.”
Scott jostles Jean and laughs. “Yes sir, Commander Kirk.”
“This is no laughing matter, Scott.”
His face sobers quickly into its usual pout.
“You may be X-Men, but you’re still children. That is not,” Xavier holds up a hand to stop his protests, “A slight against your prowess. It is an acknowledgment of your youth. These heroisms are great acts but there is so much more life out there for you. I would never wish to see that opportunity wasted. Especially,” he lifts a hand to his temple, “For you.”
Scott’s hands are curled into fists but there’s a shudder to his lip. He sniffs and nods, turning to head out. “I’ll see you guys in the hangar.”
Kurt follows him out, waving to Warren as they leave. He’s not even sure Kurt spoke the entire time. Maybe during the ride he could talk to him. Say something. Insist he’s not some dumb, desperate 16-year-old anymore. That he’s not just down to fuck. He’s down to….hold hands and shit.
Jean opens the door for Ororo. “Where do we even keep the flight suits? Are they in our rooms?”
“I keep mine there.” She shrugs. “Try checking your closet.”
Jean shakes her head. “This school is a disaster.”
Warren remembers months ago on the battlefield, how a bunch of random kids showed up in matching black bodysuits and somehow got stronger after originally getting their asses kicked. Putting on a similar outfit now was…..strange.
Not as strange as whoever designed this fucking piece of hellcloth though. Where did his head go? If this side was the front then his whole chest was exposed. Did it have a zipper? Was it held together by science magic?
He pulls on one part. On another. Stretches out the legs because maybe the opening is in his crotch for some dumbass reason. Throws the outfit at the wall because HE IS A MURDERING MACHINE AND THIS IS WHY CLOTHES ARE FUCKING AWFUL.
Warren rests his head against the bedpost and picks up the suit again. It’s heavier than it looks, a large white stripe down the middle of one side and black everywhere else. The circle where he had assumed an arm went unlatches as he fiddles with it. It felt like his brain had been pounding on a particularly tough watermelon and was finally pulling the two halves apart.
He strips down and steps into the garment, sliding the equivalent of scaly leather over his legs and up to his waist. This was the tricky part. And the part that made it look like a stripper outfit. He passes one arm and then the other thought the REAL arm holes (they’re way too small to be considered sleeves) and pulls the side with the white stripe all the way up.
Does he look like an idiot? A miasma of fear and rage takes shape in his stomach and he rushes to the bathroom, hurtling the bed and doing a quick 360 in front of the mirror.
It still looks like a stripper outfit, with the ‘neckpiece’ still dangling in front and another piece of cloth falling past his butt but on the whole he doesn’t look…………like a Horseman.
Warren leans in, running a hand through his hair and tracing where his tattoos used to be. He had barely noticed all the little things happening in the last six months, too busy learning calculus and going through flying rehab and trying to figure out what to do. It’s a silly thought, that his body had never given up on him even as he gave up on himself. Growing his wings no matter how many times he removed them, keeping him free of hangovers despite the drinking, slowly but surely breaking down the apocalyptic scars on his face. A spike of water rushes to his eyes, spilling out onto the sink. Powering through the hiccups does nothing and he finally half-collapses, crying over the drain. He had something, there was something for him here, he wasn’t going to die, he was so happy.
It feels like forever, shaking and sobbing to his reflection. He cried leaving home, he cried after the first few fights, he hasn’t since. His arms ache. His wings shake.
Crying fucking sucks.
Eventually, Warren’s feathers lift from the floor. He finds the final dry spot on his sleeve and ruins it. Two kids giggle at his exposed back as he leaves the confines of his room but he can’t help smiling.
Hank’s new toy is a gigantic jet. It looks pretty similar to the one commandeered from some underwater military base, so say Scott and Jean, but to Warren it’s brand new. And awful.
“You know I can fly myself there, right? My wingspan’s probably bigger than this thing.”
“The only reason you reached the bridge so quickly was because of Kurt.” Hank flips a few more switches up front and glances back. “Don’t get cocky.”
The soft murmur on his left continues as Kurt prays, his head bowed and hands clasped together. A spike of heat hits Warren in the face as he remembers those hands recently crawling up his back, helping him finish getting into the ‘flight suit’ and clasping the back portion that had been hanging off him to the neckpiece. The good news was he could get in and out of it without having to maneuver his wings around it. The bad part was Ororo smirking the entire time and asking if he wanted help putting all his shirts on at this point.
“…lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” Kurt stops for a moment, takes a breath, and starts again.
Hank calls out, “Three minutes and we’re there! Get ready.”
There’s a flicker of tension in his stomach as Warren stares at Kurt. How could he not realize how stupid they all were? They’d almost died getting Mira to safety. They were mutants— they weren’t invincible.
The first time he’d stepped into the fighting ring it had been easy to beat the mutant he was against. Didn’t know who they were, didn’t care. When they were on the ground and bloody, it was harder. The crowd was chanting his name and to kill her. He can’t remember asking if he didn’t have to.
He took a step forward and drove a talon into her chest. It wasn’t a decision; it was an action. There were lots of things that were actions, things to do not to decide to do.
Like chopping off a wing.
Like abandoning home.
Like reaching over to take Kurt’s hand.
He stops his repetition to widen his eyes at Warren, his hand not going limp but not grasping back either.
Warren keeps his eyes focused on their hands. “Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come….” He trails off and his cheeks warm. What came—
“Thy kingdom come,” Kurt closes his eyes, the tips of his fangs poking out of his smile. “Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”
It comes back to him as Kurt goes on.
“Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses.
As we forgive those
Who trespass against us,
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”
His stomach has never been so upset and looking at Kurt only makes it better and worse. He needs to say something, he needs to tell him….
“One minute!” Hank shouts.
The view outside is mostly trees that are whipping back and forth as the plane comes down. It lands softly, rocking slightly as the wheels adjust.
Warren looks back to Kurt, afraid of something. He squeezes his hand and lets go, undoing his seatbelt like the rest of them. Warren follows suit and they exit the jet out the back, Hank bringing up the rear. Jean’s got one hand to her temple as she scans the horizon.
“The Professor says their base is in this direction.” She points and begins marching. “There are two guards at the main entrance and the rest is underground. It’s….it’s like it’s half of a house and half a lab. It’s….gross.”
“What do we do once we’re inside?” Ororo’s eyes are focused dead ahead, glowing.
“Scott, go with Kurt to the labs. You’re playing bodyguard. There shouldn’t be too many kids on that side so teleport them out. Ororo and I will take on the dorms and get the rest out.”
“And what am I supposed to do? Wait outside?”
“Your wings aren’t going to be much use in a hallway underground.” Jean comes to a halt and holds out a hand for them to do the same. She goes forward slowly, keeping the same hand to her temple. There’s a shout through the trees and rapid gunfire before it’s quiet again. “Stay here and escort whoever comes out back to the jet. Your job is keeping them safe, Warren.”
She’s right. He still clearly sidelined, but she’s right.
The building they come upon is little more than a dark steel trapezoid with a door with two of the soldiers from before lying facedown on the ground. Kurt stops next to their bodies and frowns, corssing himself.
“They’re not dead, I promise. Just unconscious.”
“Then the bullets…?”
“Probably just a misfire when they fell.” Jean kicks the rifles away from their bodies. “I just threw rocks at their heads.”
Warren scoffs. “It sucks to be the good guys.”
Hank bends down, now blue and furry, and grabs a key off one of the bodies. “Everyone ready?”
Warren shakes his head and looks to Kurt to find him staring back.
“Let’s go.”
The door opens. Warren’s surprised that a siren doesn’t go off immediately but they break off into a sprint, bolting into the darkness.
“Stay the fuck safe!” he yells at their backs. Kurt flashes a thumbs up behind him. He’s so goddamn cute.
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Yes, another loss (And we are broken)
We’ve misplaced our baby.
I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?
Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a ��surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.
So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.
We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.
These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.
In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)
If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)
By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?
I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.
Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.
You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.
For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.
Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.
As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?
In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.
Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:
Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”
I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.
Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.
The post Yes, another loss (And we are broken) appeared first on Techno Crats Blog.
#Blog#coping when it's hard#faith#grace like scarlett#grief#Life#miscarriage#motherhood#pregnancy loss#pregnancy loss & miscarriage#stillbirth#suffering
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