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shelby-love · 3 years

Text

HARGREEVES SIBLINGS

What Brings us Together: Funerals

Requested: yes [x]

Prompts: none

Warning(s): none

Word count: 3.5K

Author’s note: I hope this is what you wanted. You didn't specify what kind of interaction we should have w our siblings so I just went off what was most realistic. Luther is a b of course, that's just how he is at the beginning lol. Don’t think I hate him though! p.s. so is diego we know he wasn’t really nice to vanya in the beginning :(

You sighed heavily through your nose, gathering your brows in distaste at the building standing tall in front of you. The Umbrella Academy looks as imposing as ever, making you remember just how much it once scared you when you were a kid.

Time went by and you became an adult. Someone with common sense, living an ordinary life far away from your once bright future that suggested money and luxury. Of course, when you’re informed of your father’s passing through a TV screen, it’s mandatory to show up and pay your respects.

You snorted at the rogue thought. “Bastard.”

Seeing your siblings after so many years of being apart made you feel anxious. Your father and his ashes weren’t the cause of your sweaty hands. It felt weird. Too weird.

But you ignored the feeling and called out your inner adult, placing one foot in front of the other and walking straight through the two-winged doors.

Your eyes fell on every surface of the academy, sweeping over every object while doing so. The number of memories, good and bad, that this place held was uncountable. But life, alas, is too short.

Your father a true example.

You gazed at the portrait with no emotion, looking at the picture of your father and siblings with a crooked smile of sadness. The tips of your bare fingers flickered with energy, and you fought the urge to curl them into a fist and punch a wall.

But your father's voice rung through your head, what you've been taught all your life bucking into instinctive actions. "You must know self-control Number Eight. You lack of it will be your downfall. Now put your gloves back on!"

You were 4 when those words big words started to leave his mouth, and you never heard the end of it. Not until he died.

You uncurled your fists, took a deep breath and felt the energy cave in.

"Y/N? Is that you?"

The sudden sweetness of a voice that belonged to your sister travelled into your ears, so quietly you almost didn't hear her. Your eyes widened slightly, and when you turned around – for a moment you didn't know what to do. The girl had turned into a celebrity, and you wondered if that had changed her in any way.

"Allison?"

She took a few sharp steps your way and wrapped her arms around you, pulling you in a bone-crushing hug you returned immediately.

"You're not wearing your gloves," she took note, looking tentative to touch you for a second after pulling away.

"I don't need them anymore," you stated proudly.

Your father graced you with leather gloves at the age of 4, telling you to never take them off. That in a way, you and the powers you possessed were a danger to your siblings. The dark leather gloves weren't comfortable, in fact, they felt suffocating every time you wore them. Because that's how silencing your powers feels like. Suffocating. For a second too short, you had wondered what Allison felt like. Not being able to use her voice for what it was made for.

"Well, I'm happy for you," said Allison, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. "You never really liked them."

"No," you agreed with a mumble. "No, I didn't."

The two of you walked out of the hall and into the living area, legs paired with pace.

"Where is everyone?" You asked her quietly, your eyes inspecting an antique you knocked over as a kid more times than you could count.

"Diego is here, somewhere," she mused, and you raised your brows ever so slightly in surprise. "He has this weird hero complex, so he's out saving the world, I guess. Apart from us three, no one’s here yet."

"Do you know when he'll be coming back?" You wondered out loud, watching her give you an odd look a second later. "I haven't seen him in years, Allison. He's my brother."

A part of you wanted to tease her about Luther by saying that not everyone is into what they were, but you withheld it and instead locked your eyes onto your other brother.

Number Five.

"I missed you Y/N."

You smiled at her quiet voice, "Missed you too Ally."

***

"You know if I was murdered, and if one of my sons...adopted sons... happened to be able to commune with the dead, I might think about, I don't know, I don't know...manifesting!"

You attempted to stifle your laughter as you watched Klaus prance around your father's ashes in an attempt to talk to him. He wasn't sober, so you doubted it would work.

But it was pleasantly nice to see him try at least.

"I don't think he wants to talk," you interrupted him mid-vent.

You watched as his pacing stopped, his demeanor switching from crazy to collected in the seconds it took your voice to be heard. Klaus turned around slowly, beaming from one ear to another. "It's you! You're alive!"

His scream of joy brought a wide smile to your lips, and you rushed to his arms. Both of you screamed like little kids, telling how much you missed each other and how tragic life has been without one another. Making jokes on your dead father's account was overly present too.

"And you're high!" You squealed in delight, ruffling his crazy looking hair.

Klaus pulled away at that, swaying in a matter that looked like he was stretching before a run. He pointed his thumb at the ashes, "Dad's too stubborn. He won't talk to me."

"Did you try begging?" You asked amused.

"I-I guess…" He mumbled before groaning. "I'm too sober for this!"

Then his eyes snapped to you and a pout drew on his face. Klaus went to stand in front of you, grabbing your hands in his and placing them on his chest. "Y/N…"

You rolled your eyes but didn't remove them, "Yes, Klaus?"

"I was just wondering if you," He said gingerly. "You know…"

This time you did pull your hands away but placed them on his face. Teasingly you squished his cheeks like you used to when you were kids. "You want me to give you money, so you can go get high because your childhood trauma of being locked in a mausoleum catches up to you every time you're sober? Of course, I will. How much do you need?"

It took him a second to process your words. "Oh my God really?" Klaus whispered, almost as if he didn't believe that was happening.

"I tried it your way when I left -" you explained, pulling out your wallet and glancing at his stunned expression. "- to suppress my powers. It didn't work, and I continued to suffer. If that's what it takes for you to not suffer from them, I'll gladly help."

You handed him a wad of money but when he tried to take them you pulled away, "Just…be careful Klaus."

"Yeah of course I will," he replied absentmindedly before he turned his head to the side. "Shut up."

You furrowed your brows, "Did you say something Klaus?"

"Oh no, no, no, no, no," said Klaus quickly, a little too quickly. "I didn't say anything."

You hummed but swore you had caught him swing his leg at something too.

"Well, if that’s all…" you murmured, "I'll leave you to it then, I gotta go see Mom. Don't say hi to dad from me, okay? Don't you dare Klaus."

The sibling only saluted, turning around to get back to trying to reach your dad, securing the money into a pocket in his skirt.

"Hey! Wait!"

You stopped and turned back around. Klaus waved his hands at the big lone fireplace. "Can you do that thing, please?"

By that thing, he meant to say start the fire. You shrugged and walked back to the fireplace. The amount of time you lit it up for your siblings was infinite. It felt weird to do it now even though you light your fire at home with your powers all the time.

Fire comes out of your hands quickly and with ease in the shape of a golden ball, igniting the lone fireplace within seconds. You watched the inferno you created in a daze, only breaking out of it when Klaus came to stand in front of the fire to warm up.

"Love you Klaus."

"Awww I love you too sis."

You shook your head, turned and left the room.

***

"Heard you came from the moon." You mused, "Thought I'd stop by and see for myself."

When word spread that Luther was on the moon, you didn't quite believe it. Then you found out that he too came back to send your father off to the lands of the dead, and you just had to see him and ask for yourself.

It was no surprise to find him in your dad's office of all places, although at first glance he did look like an intruder. You felt yourself stiffen at the sight of a big man in a coat, looming over your father's desk imposingly. Power surged through your veins, and it took everything in you to stop it from overflowing in fear.

When your brother met your face, you exhaled in relief and a single candle lit in the room as a result.

Luther seized it, looking impressed. "You've gotten better."

"Cut the crap Number One," you snapped suddenly, the tone mainly coming from the fact that your powers activated because of the fear that came from seeing a completely new version of your brother. "First of all, what happened to you? I thought Diego would turn out like that, not you."

He shrugged his massive shoulders.

"Second of all," you began. "What are you doing in dad's office?"

"Nothing," he said quickly.

Luther might look big and dangerous but the creases in his face give you all the answers you need. "You haven't changed a bit," you mused, leaning against the door. A part of you still felt young and that made you respect your father's words a little more by staying put. "Save for the…" You pointed to your torso for reference.

Luther noticed the way you eerily stood at the doorstep, contemplating whether to enter and break his word. "He's dead you know."

You shot him a look, "I know that."

"So, why don't you come in?"

You contemplated to come in, but in all honesty - nothing was of interest. You would much rather like to interrogate Luther and his whims.

"Is Allison really the only person you care about?" You asked him instead, the bubbled feelings you've been holding inside threatening to spill. It was rather hostile, the way you two met after years of not seeing each other. A big part of you felt angry at him for not calling you when things obviously went wrong somewhere. His body wasn’t a result of something natural, and you knew it. "I mean this as a sibling. Let's ignore the weird thing you two have for each other."

"We don-" he started, your seizing eyes stopping him mid-sentence. "Is it that obvious?"

You sighed, "Look Luther, I'm just trying to say…"

"No, you're accusing me."

"Of what?"

"You left. All of you."

You snorted, "You really want to do this right now?"

"I don't see why not."

"You're looking for something," you said instead, completely ignoring his words. "I won't help you find it nor will I try to lie if you ask me if I have it."

His ears perked, "Dad's monocle."

You chuckled, "That lame thing he always wore?"

Luther nodded.

"Why do you need it?"

"You said you wouldn't lie."

"I'm not lying Luther, I just asked you a question!" You told him. A thought washed over you when his eyes pinned you in, and you could barely even grasp it. "You think I killed him, don't you?"

"I didn't say that." He tried to reason, although he didn't move from around the desk to try and soothe you.

"You didn't have to," you said quietly, feeling tears gather in your eyes. "I see the way you look at me, brother. Ever since I hurt her-"

"Don't talk about her," he stopped you.

"Why the hell not?!" You exclaimed, "She's my sister you know. Our sister. You keep forgetting that."

Luther stayed silent after your outburst, probably contemplating whether to apologize, but you cut him from speaking before he could even start. "We were 7 Luther. I didn't know what I was doing. You think I wanted to take the air out of her lungs? She was going to rumor me Luther. I was scared."

It didn't really matter how much you repeated it to him, he never understood. His love for her goes beyond siblingship, as weird and disturbing as it was. Whoever hurt Allison became a monster in his eyes. "But anyway. I didn't steal that ugly thing. You can cross me off your list."

You looked around the office, ignoring the way Luther stood silently. The lack of light was obviously making it difficult for him to sniff around. You raised your hands in the air, watching as the tips of your fingers turned into flames. A satisfying sight, but a sight you didn't want to look at currently. With a swipe of your hand, you controlled the small blazes until they broke apart and landed at the candles, lighting up the room, so Luther can see. "Hopefully this helps."

You walked away from the office after that, not daring to look behind yourself in fear of breaking down.

***

You stomped across the academy, anger flowing off you in waves. Having your emotions tied to your feelings was never fun. The chandelier above you swayed under the wind that came from your anger and candles burnt out, the fire that came within them disappearing into your body.

"Y/N?"

Suddenly, the wind stopped, but your lip started to tremble instead. "Vanya?"

When you turned around, she stood awkwardly at the door. With hands in her pockets she glanced between the shaking chandelier and you.

It was obvious that she was uncomfortable, at least until she saw your relieved smile. "Is that really you?"

She smiled, "I-I guess."

You outright laughed, the outcome of Luther and yours argument disappearing from your mind completely when you hugged her. "I missed you so much."

"You did?" She asked surprised.

"Why wouldn't I?" You asked her, confusion crossing your features. "You're my sister. Come here."

You brought her into the hug again, feeling her hug you tighter this time.

"You're not mad at me?"

Remembering what she was talking about had you cringing ever so slightly in discomfort. You scratched the back of your neck, "I mean… I was. But not anymore, Vanya. I'm all passed that now."

"You are?" She asked, hopeful.

"I am," you nodded in confirmation. "We're here to say our goodbyes to Dad. You have every right to be here, no one can tell you otherwise."

Vanya stayed silent, so you quickly added, "And the book was good. Exposing, but good. I like your way with words."

She snorted, "Yeah I thought you would."

Beaming, you slung an arm around her shoulders just like Allison did when you first came. Unfortunately, in your dysfunctional family, no one has peace for long. Diego came striding down the stairs in his black spandex suit, looking as he just came out of an action movie.

Seeing you had his smile growing by a mile, but upon glancing at Vanya the easy smile vanished and was instead replaced by a scowl. "You're still here? I thought I already told you. You don't belong –"

"Diego," your hand raised in the air to halt his mouth. "Now's not the time."

He let out a humorous laugh, walking up to you to give you a kiss on the cheek. You didn't fight it, instead letting him kiss your cheek and squeeze your shoulder as a greeting after not seeing each other for years. "Good to have you back sis."

"Enjoy it while you can," you said. "Because I'm leaving the moment dad's ashes are spread."

"Oh, I bet," he mused. "I'm leaving too. You should go now Vanya, save us the trouble."

"Okay Diego that's enough," you interrupted, standing closer to Vanya this time round, hoping she sees your support through mere change of standing. "Why don't you run along and go save lives? I heard that's your life's call."

He rolled his eyes before glancing at your outfit. "That's an awfully bold color for a funeral."

"That's because I'm not dressed yet," you rolled your eyes. "Now, if you don't have anything nice to say, I suggest you leave before I boil you."

Knowing you don't give out empty threats, Diego nodded grimly and disappeared upstairs, not giving Vanya a glance of acknowledgement. "You know, maybe he's right… I should just go."

You shook your head immediately, "Absolutely not. Look Vanya, your book might've not been the best thing that's happened to us, but it certainly isn't the worst. He's just being snappish. That's Diego's factory setting."

She laughed, this time giving you a smile. Not a fake smile, but a real one.

You felt victorious as you wrapped your arm around her again, leading her into the living area for a catch-up.

***

"Does anyone else see little Number Five, or is that just me?"

You and Klaus held to each other like little kids, not believing what, or who, stood in front of you. The little carbon copy of your long-lost brother swore under his breath, shocking you to the bones with the word ‘shit’. "I'm not high, am I?"

"I-I don't know," said Klaus awkwardly, "Do you feel high?"

"Klaus she's not high," Diego interrupted, standing in front of the group with Luther.

"You never know with her," Klaus tried to explain.

"Five is that really you?" You asked, ignoring the bickering that went all around you.

"Of course, it's me!"

"Oh God Klaus they even sound the same," you whispered, clutching Klaus' hand tighter.

"Look I don't have time to explain this all to you," the boy sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose like an old man.

"The hell you do," Diego mumbled, eyeing him with menace.

Number Five (if that was even him) rolled his eyes and tried to push through and walk right past you. No 30-year-old - despite how shocked and curious they were - tried to stop him.

Save for you of course.

A lone vine flew from the wall under your command, wrapping itself around your brother's wrist in a vice-grip. Five eyed it nonchalantly, as if the sight amused him rather than intimidated him. "You do know I can walk right through that?"

You dared him with your eyes and mocked him with your mouth, "You do know that you've been gone for 17 years? I've evolved little man."

He bunched his brows together, almost as if he didn't believe you. To test his theory out, he urged his body to travel through space. You all watched as he walked straight through the air, coming out on the other end in a different part of the yard, not being able to move due to the vine's grip despite having travelled through literal space.

"Cute!" Five called out, walking back toward you using his power. "Now let me go."

"And why would she do that?" Luther asked, the inner Number One in him surfacing.

"Because I've got work to do."

"Five you're a kid literally," Allison objected, gazing over your brother's tiny body.

"You don't understand…"

"Maybe he needs a nap," Klaus mumbled next to you.

"I don’t-"

By not literal smoke was almost coming out of his little ears, his face reddened from anger, and he looked annoyed beyond understanding. "They're too young… I knew it."

You creased your brows, not understanding why Five was mumbling weird things into his chin. "You alright Five?"

He glared at you, "I will be… Once you get this thing off me."

You shrugged with a sigh, mumbling an okay and hauling the vine away from Five who shook his head in irritation. He wrapped a hand around his sore wrist, massaging it with his thumb to get read of the soreness. "Can't say I missed you and your crazy plants. Although you would've been a great addition to my adventures."

"What adventures?" You asked confused. "You’re 13."

Five sighed, brushing you all off with a sway of his hand.

Klaus was the first one to dash back into the house mumbling something about not being able to handle the weather, Allison following behind him carefully. Luther, who looked like a lost puppy, followed after your sister until it was just Vanya, Diego, Five and you left.

"I'm going to head inside," said Vanya awkwardly, disappearing inside quickly.

Diego gave Five a sideward glance but shook his head and left too.

"Elemental manipulation is exactly what we need to fight it."

You rolled your eyes, not quite believing that he forgot how elemental manipulation isn't your favorite thing. "Fight what Five?"

"The apocalypse."

"I'm glad you're back bro, seriously I mean it," You told him sincerely, "But you're crazy. I'd say get some help but…"

MASTERLIST

Here is the link to my tag list masterpost! If you want to be added to one of my existing tag lists (or perhaps new ones) let me know! :)

✭ GENERAL TAGS (all WIPs):

@fofisstilinski @short-potato @miranda0102 @httphiddlestan @caromichaela @xx-missunicorn-xx @jemmakates @theravenclawmarauder @tclaerh @chefdoeuvre @just-arather-veryconfused-being @crazy0lu @thirstykpophoe @abimoon @sofiasamps @princxss-fia @theletterhart

✭ THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY: /

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stevesharrlngtons · 4 years

Note

“I was hoping for a little sympathy, maybe.” with Roman please :)

sorry for the delay )): and sorry if this kinda sucks!!

You knew his moping was justified. That his pain was warranted and expected. Having your DNA picked apart and ripped from your body was no doubt excruciating and exhausting. You just wished there was something you or anyone could do to alleviate some of the agony he was in. You were doing your best, but you still felt like you were lacking at this problem that was far out of your element.

Roman was never one to keep his grievances to himself, or to let anyone live in peace while he was uncomfortable. But ever since Pryce’s procedures began to rid him of his upirism, Roman had been a nightmare. He was angry and whining and tired and brittle and sad and needy. He wanted you attached to his side until his skin felt like it was rippling around on his bones, in which case he wouldn’t let you in the same room as him, as to not feel more claustrophobic than he already felt.

On the days that Roman would go under Pryce’s needles for another treatments, you would spend the entire morning ordering Anna and Conway around to make sure there wasn’t anything that could possibly make Roman uncomfortable or irate. You were a dictator, barking orders and anxiously pacing while you waited for a call from The Tower informing you it was time to retrieve Roman.

After his first treatment, Roman had driven himself home and almost wrapped his Jaguar around a tree. He had left the keys in the ignition and the door wide open before he mindlessly walked to the house in a daze. You had thrown enough of a fit when he was finally home safe that Roman agreed to let you drive him after he had finished with a new treatment.

After you had him safely packaged in your car, Roman would usually sleep the entire way home, his cheek pressed against the cool window as you darted your eyes between him and the road. Terrified that if you didn’t look over to him every few moments, his breath would stop fogging the glass or his thin pale skin would split and crumble from the abuse it had taken.

Two days ago you had finished your new macabre routine of readying the house for Roman’s return and driving him home in a worried stupor. You had put him to bed under satin sheets and mink blankets and a large glass of water and saltines on the nightstand. You had monitored him and stroked his sweat matted hair as he trembled and cried. You had snuggled close to him and kissed his frail skin and spoon fed him soup until his body collapsed from trauma and exhaustion.

Now, 48 hours later, Roman was almost back to his old self. He still complained and griped and swore and was mostly unpleasant to everyone except you, but that was on par for normal Roman behavior. What wasn’t normal Roman behavior was to be out of bed on a Saturday before eleven A.M., which was why you felt a pang of worry when you rolled over and were greeted by a flurry of cold covers instead of the warm weight of your boyfriend.

You sprang up from the pillows and searched for your phone to check the time, and sure enough, it was just after nine. Anxiety filled your gut as you pushed away your blankets in search for Roman. Sure, he had seemed to have recovered from the latest treatment as he usually did, but your mind couldn’t stop spinning with what if’s.

What if he had been hiding symptoms from you? What if he woke up this morning, and felt fatally wrong? What if he was slowly taking his dying breaths somewhere in the house while you slept soundly? What if? What if? What if?

You called his name, went from room to room in search of him, when you suddenly heard his voice coming from downstairs.

You gripped the handrail tightly as you went down the staircase in search of him. You found him sitting in an armchair in the living room, a cloth pressed to one ear and his cell pressed to the other. His back is to you and you can see how rigid his shoulders are through the thin cotton of his shirt.

“Roman,” You say, trying to gain his attention.

He turns to you for a moment and unwraps one finger from his hold on his phone to wave at you, telling you to wait.

“What happened? Who are you talking to?” You continue, blatantly ignoring his previous gesture.

You walk closer to him as Roman once again holds up his finger for you.

“Put me on fucking hold one more time Pyrce and I swear to God, you’ll regret it!” He barks.

You round the chair to stand in front of him. You can now see the prominent dark circles that haloed his eyes and his colorless lips and cheeks. He was alive, but clearly not well.

Your heart broke as a small tut came from your lips. You sink to the floor in front of the arm chair and take to giving his calves and thighs a lazy massage.

“No, you fucking listen to me -- no, I shouldn’t have to! You’re the doctor here. Fucking fix me!” Roman shouts into the receiver and you press a chaste kiss to his pajama covered knee.

From your position on the floor, you watch as Roman listens to something Pryce says and scoffs loudly, “Green oozing goo is normal? Because it sure as shit doesn’t feel normal! -- I don’t care if this has never been done before, find a way to stop the weird puss and bile that is coming out of me.”

And he hangs up. Roman gives a heady sigh as he tosses his phone onto the couch and collapses deeper into the chair. You glance up at the cloth that is still pressed against Roman’s ear and cringe as you see it is tinged with light green wetness.

You continue your massage up his thighs until you settle your hands on either side of his hips and rest your chin on his lap, “What’s going on, baby?”

“Just in fucking pain while gross green liquid comes out of me. Nothin’ new, apparently.” He says, sarcastic and dejected.

“And there’s nothing Pryce can do?” You ask, but you are pretty sure you already know the answer.

“Nope. The bastard keeps telling me it’s normal and there is nothing he can do...fucker.”

You hold back a chuckle and kiss his belly instead, “At least it seems like it’s working, right? That’s a positive?”

“I guess, just, fuck! I hate this, I hate the treatments and Pryce. I don’t know why I called him in the first place,” Roman replies, moving his free hand to fiddle with the ends of your hair.

“It’s good you called, I’m glad you did. I want you to call your doctor when you think something is wrong.”

Roman’s face screws up in disgust, “Don’t call him my doctor, it makes our relationship sound far more amicable and intimate than it is.”

“Fine. Your mad scientist? The Dr. Frankenstein to your monster?” You joke and Roman glares down at you.

“I’m not in the mood for jokes.” Roman tugs a little at a strand of your hair he was busying himself playing with.

“What are you in the mood for, then?”

“I don’t know, I was hoping for a little sympathy, maybe. If not from Pyrce, then from you.” He grumbles petulantly.

“Hey, I am an outpouring sympathy machine for you, baby. I know this process is weird and tough and painful, all I want to do is help. So, tell me what you want and I’ll do it.” You thumbs sneak beneath his sleep shirt to find his hip bones to gently stroke.

“I don’t know what I want,” Roman pouts, his voice a borderline whine.

“Want some options?” You ask, perking up slightly from his lap.

He just nods. The treatments were incredibly draining for Roman, both physically and emotionally. While his body physically recovered within a few days, the emotional wounds would linger and refuse to blister for upwards of a week. So, during the period following his procedure, he needed all the emotional support he could garner from you. That included letting him scream and vent to you, or sob and shake in your embrace, or just have you decide exactly what he wanted because his brain just couldn’t surmise what he truly wanted.

“A: We go back to bed and just watch TV for a while. B: We stay down here and order some breakfast from that diner on 3rd. C: I call Troy and see if he has an Vicodin to help with your pain.”

Roman mulls over your list of multiple choice before he speaks, “Can I choose that we go back upstairs, order breakfast from the diner on 3rd and I call Troy about Vicodin and pot for us?”

You grin up at him, “Ah, yes. Secret option D, that sounds good.”

Roman gives you a soft smile before you push up from the ground.

“Let’s get back to bed, handsome.” You wiggle your outstretched fingers for him to take, which he does easily.

You pull him up from the chair and Roman moves to wrap his arm around your shoulders, your fingers still clasped together. He presses a long kiss to the crown of your head, one that takes several moments to complete, one where he inhales your scent and relishes in your feeling, one where he whispers I love you.

With his lips against your hair, you felt a rush of contentment knowing that even your small gestures could work to make this strange time for Roman a little better. That’s all you really wanted, even if you knew you couldn’t find the magic saulve to fix everything. Maybe you would one day, but for now, snuggles, pancakes and painkillers would have to do.

“I love you, too.” You reply as you help your ailing love up the stairs to start your relaxed day.

does this even make sense??? i don’t know!! i just wanted to write and post this request bc i felt bad that i had let it sit so long lol sorry if it seems scattered or weird??????? but idk, if you did like it, i’d love to hear from you <3 (:

#roman godfrey x reader #roman godfrey imagine #roman godfrey imagines #roman godfrey x you #roman godfrey reader insert #roman godfrey fanfic #roman godfrey fanfiction #sorry this sucks ):#stevesharrlngtonswrites

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nurseofren · 4 years

Text

Keeping Your Promise - Chapter 24

Read on AO3

Read chapter twenty-three

Title: Prove it

Words: 6800

Warnings: Talks of pregnancy, mentions of vomit

Summary: A friend. A foe?

ST Rambles: I look pretty good for a dead bitch.

Okay. In all seriousness. In the five weeks that I have not updated, it has been chaos. School is absolutely kicking my ass this semester and I am not afraid to say it. Maternal-Newborn is a hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. With this said, I know any further updates will be sporadic, BUT - and I say this to snuff out any doubt on the matter - I will never, EVER, abandon this story. However it ends, rest assured that it will, in fact, do just that.

I thank you all for your patience and encouragement. This story is something I care deeply about and it just floors me that others do as well. I love interacting with you all, either on here or tumblr or TikTok (if you've made one and I haven't seen it, please tag me! My fyp does not work in my favor lol).

Be kind. Don't forget to be a person. All you can do is try your best.

[MASTERLIST] | BANNER/@elmidol

Good afternoon,

I can only hope this correspondence finds you safe and well.

The Board of Physicians sympathizes during this time of displacement and potential grieving. There are countless variables to be considered during uncertain times like these, but those of your safety and well-being are of the utmost importance. In an effort to convey the depth of our understanding, a unanimous vote has approved the decision to extend the dates of the trial by seven days. Upon receiving this official communication, you should plan to arrive on Canto Bight a minimum of two days prior to the morning of the initial hearing. An updated outline has been attached at the end of this e-mail for reference and sent to all pertinent parties.

Per the initial correspondence, Commander Ren is to receive a new provider prior to the trial’s start date. This objective has been met with the solemn barrier of the diminished population of approved nurses and physicians which resulted from the recent tragedy of Starkiller Base. There have been additional unforeseen circumstances also working to lengthen and altogether halt this approval process. Rest assured that we are doing everything in our power to ensure the trial proceedings occur in an organized and professional manner.

The emergent provider shortage, along with the unknown – and likely diminished – amount of surveillance retained from Starkiller Base prior to its destruction, has laid the foundation for the discussion of potential and probable employment during your time on Canto Bight. The discussions surrounding this issue are in their infancies. Should it be that you are to assume a care position during your trial, you will receive a further updated and in-depth itinerary. This would include the dates, times, and location you would be expected to work; this information would be accompanied by any specific limitations regarding your scope of practice while on trial.

Though you are encouraged to reach out to discuss any questions or concerns you may have pertaining to these new developments, the current agenda is to be followed with strict compliance. Should there be any changes, as stated previously, I will communicate these to you in a timely and conscious manner.

Respectfully,

Karmen Zag, Esq.,

Head of Communications,

The Board of Physicians

“Yeah, well, you can go fuck yourself Karmen Zag. Stupid ass name anyway.”

Not that anyone could hear you, nor that anyone would care, you could not help the petty jab. Karmen Zag, the faceless mouthpiece of the institution actively seeking your death, had little to do with anything. Karmen Zag was not the one who had carved initials into your body; that person was elusive to you now. Karmen Zag was not the one who kept you from sleep; that person was dead, killed by the trembling hands of the very survivor they’d created. Karmen Zag was not the one you were currently hiding from; that person, achingly kind and too ignorant to know different, still came to pick you up from shift every night.

Cramped in the corner of a supply room, you sat with your knees tucked to your chest and your datapad resting on your thighs, eyeing the vent at the bottom of the door to spy Mason’s tapping foot. In the seven days since waking up in the medbay, six days since returning to work to help with the increased patient population – or, at least that’s what you were telling yourself – you had found yourself with a desperate need to distance yourself from Mason. He was unaware of all that was haunting you, nescient to the fact he was at the epicenter of the majority of it. To see him was to remember the choice you’d made, to hate yourself for regretting it, to be morally ripped in half by the unwavering war in the back of your mind.

The first three days he would always sneak up on you, flurries of white lies leaving while you fumbled away from him and into the nearest room. I’m on call tonight was your favorite. No, you weren’t, though you had been staying in the on-call rooms to hide the fact that you no longer held a residence on this ship. No matter if you had not received official word on your employment status, you felt an unease when thinking of returning to Kylo Ren’s quarters. It felt too broken, like you’d be a stranger somewhere you’d once considered a home.

Eventually, Mason being an inherent creature of habit, you’d picked up on his timing. On the fourth day you’d decided to stake him out, finding he would spend exactly ten minutes waiting, send a message to your commlink, spend another five toying with his own as he waited for a response, eventually asking whoever was nearest to tell you to call him. You never did. It was despicable, watching his hope falter as the days passed and you were never there to leave with him; wretched, but that did not make it any less necessary.

So long as you were away from Mason, you couldn’t hurt him. If you could create a rift between the two of you so great as to discourage any further interaction, you could save him from all the suffering that came along with being associated with you. On the other hand, you couldn’t deny the comfort you felt in deferring any conversation with him. Avoidance may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but all the ones you’d learned of in school were useless to your set of circumstances; there was no talking this through, no way to speak of Snoke or Kylo or Robbie without getting someone else hurt. You were trapped in your own, sole company; whoever you had become recently, you were barely tolerant of them, let alone fond. It was growing increasingly difficult to recognize your own reflection. At some point you figured you might stop looking altogether.

Zag’s update had been present in your inbox ever since returning to work; with each read through – which, now, you’d have read a hundred times – you felt time pass by. Each night you spent time tucked away here, the cold tile permeating the scrub pants you now wore; the uniform you’d had on when you arrived back on the Finalizer had been too tattered to reuse. Not that you wanted to wear it; in those tattered, bloodied threads lay the obvious truth of how entirely you had failed at the only assignment you had ever been trusted with.

Trusted. The thought made you shiver. Yes. Trusted. Past tense. In every sense it could be. Thus, folded into yourself, away from prying eyes or well-meaning friends, you scrolled aimlessly up and down the message. Though its existence annoyed you, knowing full well that there was no empathy or genuine concern behind the decision to delay the trial, it also brought you ease to know this portion of your life was almost over. Again you were embracing the possibility of your death, only this time rooted in hatred for yourself, not Kylo Ren.

“Alright, well, can you tell her-,”

“Tell her to call you. Got it. Do every night.” One of your coworkers had grown exasperated with Mason – or was it with you? Either way, peeking through the vent slats, you spied Mason’s legs drag out of view. It made your heart fall, feeling more disgusted with yourself each day; it was this confusing combination of feeling a pull to run after him, to apologize to him with every breath you had left, only for that initial urgency to be swallowed by the knowledge that the action would be futile.

With tired eyes, not having gotten more than two hours of unbroken sleep since the sixteen you’d woken from, you looked to your left wrist. It was a routine gesture, pointless in the fact you had not worn the watch since finding it on your bedside table. Much like your uniform, only agonizingly amplified, the sight of the gadget inspired a hollowness in your chest. It remained in a pillowcase, hidden atop the bed you’d claimed. Each night you toyed with it, thumbed at the lifeless screen and wondered if it would ever offer another flicker; each night you caught the hazy reflection of two unfamiliar eyes, finding only the remnants of shattered promises staring back at you.

A sigh crept into your lungs when you stood, arms stretching and hands smoothing back your hair before going to activate the door. It hissed open without your indication; before you could question how, two hands pushed you out of the way and sent you flying face first into the storage shelves. Nose first, actually; the collision rang through your ears, pain throbbing in prominence as you stumbled for stability, arms widespread and eyes pinched shut.

“Oh! You have to be kidding!” Copper crept down your upper lip, cascading over your sharp tongue, foggy eyes opening to blood-stained fingers. “Watch where you’re going, jeez!”

Away from you sounded the door as it shut, but that wasn’t the sound that alarmed you. Across the room, near the sink – at least you hoped it was near the sink – came the horrendous retching that could only indicate vomit. The longer you listened, though, all the while blindly searching for a package of gauze, you found it wasn’t vomit, but an attempt towards it; echoes of dry heaves wracked the room, vomit absent even as the stranger continued in their effort toward expulsion.

A spill of winces left you, a grimace following suit when you tipped your head back, blood draining down your throat. You found a box of gauze squares and tore it open, peeling away a layer and rolling it into a cone before pushing it into one nostril. Vessels pounded against the material, injury soaking into it as you caught your breath.

“I’m so sorry,” a familiar voice said, groggy and breathless. “The refresher was occupied, and the occupancy indicator wasn’t on.” She took another breath, gasping back spit. “I figured the sink in here would do.”

Another person you’d been avoiding. Talia. Sick. As she would be, of course. It was something you’d fought thoughts on; it was too confusing, too unnerving to put the pieces you’d been offered together. Hux had left her room, had been so distraught. Talia had seized and ended up in the medbay. Armitage. Stars, how that word haunted you in the way it left her paling lips. She’d been so disoriented, so scared. Glassy eyes and green pallor. And the person she’d asked for was Armitage.

With these thoughts, dizzying as they had become, came the image of the very thing that tied them all together: that square-cut, printed, glossy ultrasound picture. Between nightmares of Robbie and desperately trying to find any amount of sleep, you saw it clear in your head, remembered how you’d lost your ability to stand when you first considered the reality of it. It all made sense clinically; the symptoms, the tangible evidence showing a yolk sac, the patient identifiers framing the monochrome image.

But, when you remembered running into Hux, remembered the ghost in his eyes and felt the rather unsettling demeanor – one not marked with errant hatred – he’d met you with, it all started to blur. Jumble. Your mind rejecting the thought that Talia and Hux-

Talia mewled, your eyes opening to find white knuckles outfitting a vise grip over the sink’s metal edge. The fluorescent lights lining the ceiling made it all too easy to see how sick she really was. Tears glinted down her cheeks, her hair dull in its tousled bun, a string of spit straying from her bottom lip; there was a suggestion of green just below the surface of her skin, exhaustion evident in the lavender drapes below her eyes.

A shaky breath left her before she rested against the sink, elbows bent and fingers rolling over her temples. For a moment there was a deafening silence, one that strangled you and emphasized the throbbing in your nose when you stopped breathing. It dissipated when Talia groaned, her head drooping and stance shifting.

“At least shift is done, right?” She sounded like she was talking to anyone. She didn’t know it was you. She didn’t know you knew.

Swallowing, dropping your hand from your face, you tried to think of anything to say. But nothing would come. And, considering how little time you had left to know her – execution or not – you saw no point in frivolous small talk.

“How far along are you?” It was a low rasp; frail in its existence yet bludgeoning the quiet that had preceded it.

She didn’t look up, but you knew she recognized your voice; her every muscle stalled, hair even stilling as your words sank into her. It was the first thing you’d said to her since she’d seized. In her silent shock it dawned on you that it had not been long since you’d been in a situation similar to this; the two of you, a pitting silence, a mess – obvious and blaring – surrounding you.

Only this mess was not something that could be cleaned. This mess existed outside all you had once thought to consider. Though this room was less gruesome in appearance, it held that same suffocated dread, carried with it the reminder that everything could change without a moment’s notice. Watching the color return to her cheeks, absentmindedly brushing your fingertips across the raised marks atop your thigh, it hit you how true that fact was.

A small sound – a swallow – filled the room, a sigh to accompany it. “Six weeks. I think, at least. Maybe more.” She stood then, crossing her arms and leaning against the sink. A wall stood between you and her, invisible yet so entirely present. “No one knows.” Her jaw fluttered at its hinge. The wall was for her; a façade, a crutch. She was scared.

The door lit cool shivers down your back, hands digging into your pockets, a weak attempt at a smile pulling at your face. “Congratulations,” you offered first, forgetting the circumstances before seeing her eyes fall to the floor. “Or not, I guess.”

She kept her eyes down. “I’m not showing, and I’ve been good about sneaking away to throw up, so…”

“Last week,” you said, her stare coming back to you, “after Starkiller. I fainted after arriving back here, and after I woke up,” I washed the Commander of the First Order’s hair and cried to his comatose body about how my life is falling apart, “I just had to know you were okay, so I visited you.”

“I don’t remember seeing you. I actually… How did you even know I had been admitted to the medbay?”

“You were asleep. I didn’t want to wake you.” You chewed your cheek, recounting any of those 48 hours made your pulse jump. “You weren’t well off when I found you, before they took you to the medbay, so I wouldn’t expect you to remember me being there.”

Her brow dipped for half a second, a crack creeping into that wall. “I didn’t know you found me. It’s difficult for me to even recall most of that day.” Her shoulders dropped, stature less rigid now. “Thank you, though.”

You nodded, not entirely sure why she felt it necessary to thank you. “Yeah. So, you were sleeping and I saw the tests ordered on your board. And then I found your ultrasound on the floor.”

Her eyes were so distant, pupils housing a familiar ghost. “It must have fallen when I was sleeping.” Her lips parted with the whisper, egregious loneliness overwhelming the thought.

It felt like the floor would fall out at any second, the interaction so fragile. Watching her with intent, measuring her reactions, you charged ahead into territory you’d been afraid to enter for so long.

“Talia,” you started, buying more time to think on your phrasing. Her focus startled back from wherever her mind had taken her. “I mean, maybe this is ridiculous, and maybe I’m so far off base in even suggesting it…”

Her arms dropped when a hand reached to tuck a collection of stray hair behind her ear, nose sniffing, teeth pulling at her bottom lip. She took her eyes from yours, breath picking up. That wall she stood behind was wearing.

You couldn’t stand beating around the bush any longer, sick of theorizing about it all. It fled out, no breath to separate any of it. “I’ll just say it: Hux was leaving your room when I came around. And he was being weird. So weird. I mean, he was being… would I say nice? Maybe just, less awful? He complimented me. And it was so weird, but I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt because, you know, he’d just lost a lot of men. But then it was you in the room and I.. he was so distraught? That is barely the right word, but I mean? He just wasn’t General Hux. And then I found the ultrasound and remembered how you’d asked for ‘Armitage’ earlier when I’d found you, and-,”

A weep signaled the destruction of the wall she’d thrown up, hands clawing into her eyes and lungs heaving full of ragged, desperate air. “Oh, please tell me you didn’t tell him! He can’t- I don’t!” Sobs rolled off of her between each exclamation. “I haven’t told him. I don’t know how. I- he’s so evil! I can’t believe I ever slept with him!”

Seeing her come apart, feeling the guilt she did in every word she cried, you could only think to take her into your arms. In your hold you felt her shaking and the pain roll off of her in thick, grating waves. It was familiar, like she, too, had been existing alone; you had not noticed, so buried in your own avoidance that you had not thought to consider hers.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so- I’m so sorry! It makes me so mad that- ugh!”

“Hey, stop. Slow down,” you soothed, hugging her tighter. “You have nothing to apologize to me for. You’ve done nothing wrong, okay?”

“No, I have! I slept with my Master! And got pregnant! And he’s such a fucking jerk! He’s the whole reason you’re losing your career, you know? And I had sex with him! And I feel- felt real things for him!” A breath stuttered into her lungs. “I never meant for it to go any further than that first night, and then… fuck.”

It burned down to your marrow that you had the power to comfort her, knew everything she was feeling even if it wasn’t hatred that left you crying at night. She would be embraced in knowing you had also slept with your Master; it would minimize the guilt she now felt. To tell her you had fallen for Kylo Ren could help her know that she wasn’t alone.

Instead, feeling her tears accumulate on your sleeve, struggling to keep in your own, you kept quiet. She would not learn how you had burned so bright for your commander. It was selfish, but it was necessary. Self-preservation. She would be testifying against you, taking the stand right after Hux. Her not knowing would do no harm; it would keep her from having to consider or commit perjury. Talia now joined Mason, another soul to protect, another person you would lie to.

Several minutes passed before she stopped trembling, another few before the tears stopped staining your uniform. Humanity existed in these moments, and though you would hide how you knew the advice you would offer her, you knew she needed to hear it. A part of you did, too.

Moving your arms from her back and grasping both her shoulders, you locked eyes with her and forced her to see that you somehow understood her pain. “There is nothing to feel guilty about. Not that you slept with him, or that you got pregnant. Not that you felt things for him or that you still do.” Her eyes shut at that, a fresh streamlet dragging into her mouth. “You can still love him even if he has done awful things.”

“Gosh, how can you say that? He’s ruined your life,” she shuddered, grimacing before looking back up to you.

“I made the choice to take that blood. I had a choice,” your throat tightened, not knowing if you were reciting the words from their origin or from your dream, “I made the one I thought was the best at the time. Hux may be an ass in the way he has gone about the issue, but it’s not like he wouldn’t have reported me.”

She sobbed your name, confusion and hurt wrought in her features. “That blood saved that patient. You saved that patient. We both know that. You saved him and you’re suffering for it and I’m the one who wrote the incident report. He made me write it. Such a fucking bastard.”

Just like that, whatever weird internal truce you’d made with Hux disappeared. “Yeah, that is a dick thing to do, I will say that.”

She wiped at her cheeks, shaking her head. “I should have lied on that report.”

“And gotten both of us in trouble? That isn’t a solution.”

“If I had, you would be less alone in this. And I wouldn’t have to testify against you.” Talia’s eyes shot to the ceiling and back, frustration hot on her breath. “It’s just so-,”

“Unfair. I know. I have… I’ve beaten myself up about it too much not to know that.” This conversation was too similar to those you’ve held inwardly. It was becoming repetitive to keep sulking over something you could not change. But Talia, if she wanted, could change her situation. “We went through the same program, got the same schooling, I know you know your options here.”

She chewed her cheek, shaking her head. A long drag of breath found its way into her chest, releasing when your hands fell to your sides. “This is where you find out how stupid I am.”

It pulled at your heart to hear how hard she was being on herself. “You aren’t stupid. And if you are? Could’ve fooled me with your class rank and just general existence.”

A laugh, weak but not acrid. “Academics were easy. Career is easy. This life stuff? Messy. Complicated. I feel like no matter what I do, it will blow up in my face.” That earlier distance glazed over her stare, a glimmer of yearning present in the way her eyebrows pinched. “And what I want…think I want? I’m not sure it’s even possible.”

“What do you want?”

Talia shut her eyes, capitulation and indignance set in her features, jaw flexed. “I haven’t spoken to him since that night,” she whispered. “He watched me fill out that report. I was sobbing in front of him and he said nothing.” A hand smoothed over her hair and clutched into her bun, lips quivering for a moment. “I didn’t even know until last week. I woke up for a few minutes and they started talking about all that had happened – fainting and seizures and blood tests – and they immediately wheeled me down to have an ultrasound to confirm the hCG results and urinalysis.”

She paused, growing in distance the more she shared. “Was it just your electrolytes that caused the seizure?”

“Yeah. Yes.” She blinked back to the present. “Belkar actually said I was severely dehydrated and that my metabolic panel reflected that.” Talia was dancing between two timeframes; gentleness framed her face when revisiting that of the past. Something so delicate in her stare; adoration cusping on hope. “I always told myself I would never have children. It scared me seeing how sick they could become when we had our unit on pediatrics. I’d never wanted to feel so helpless as the parents I saw during clinical.”

It almost winded you to watch a single tear slip down her cheek, allowing her silence during her pause before she looked up at you, desperation drowning her eyes. She couldn’t find – or, maybe, did not want to believe – the words that overwhelmed her. “What changed?” You knew, but she needed to hear it for herself.

Her lips had become puffy, teeth pulling at the bottom one. She reached into the front pocket of her scrub dress, pulling from it that square print, only now with rolled, worn corners. “I know it’s early and there are so many things that can go wrong and I know I had been drinking before I knew, but…” A swallow bobbed her throat, a fond smile forming when she toyed with the scan. “When they handed this to me? Something just, I don’t know, came into view.”

A surge of immense pain coiled into you. In her reverie you saw yourself, realized how fortunate her situation was; she had something she wanted and even though it was complicated, she had a choice in the matter.

Again, her mind had wandered, distraction framing her tone; her brows pinched together for a second, a question sparking from her memories. “Have you ever wanted something so much, and maybe you didn’t fully understand it, but you just knew? For whatever reason, this was the thing you would do everything in your power to make possible? To have what you want, no matter how daunting or nonsensical it seemed?”

“Yeah,” you choked out, coughing against the new strain on your throat, “I think so.” Talia had that ability, though, and it cracked against your skull how helpless you were to go after what you wanted.

“You said that I could still love him if he’s done awful things,” she quoted, her attention returning to you. “I don’t love him. I don’t think I really know him that well. But…” She shook her head, shoulders shrugging and a puff of breath leaving her nose. “I miss him. It’s so dumb, but the bastard is nice to be around when he isn’t buried in politics. When he’s just a person. When he isn’t the General. When he’s just—” another smile, similar to her earlier one “—Armitage.”

“That has to be the strangest part of this whole thing.” A small laugh bubbled past your lips. It had been so long since the last one. “Armitage.”

“It was very odd at first. But I’m not going to cry out General, oh please General! when I’m cumming, so I got over it.”

Dumbfounded, all you could do was gawk at her candor. It warmed you, though, feeling like that first night you’d hung out with her. A good memory. Her cheeks pinked in your silence and the sight pulled you straight into a ruckus of laughter, tears – born in pain, falling from humor – and lightheartedness. It was short lived, but Talia joined in your fit; abashed giggles leaving her smile-tight face.

“I mean, I feel like it would be weirder if you were sleeping with Commander Ren.” Talia jabbed at your shoulder. “Calling him… Kylo? That just feels downright wrong.”

Instantaneously, your high fizzling into nothing before her, you found yourself right where you were when you’d said your first goodbye. Ky. It wilted your heart, shrouded whatever glimpse of happiness you’d just caught. Talia was too lost in the joke to notice you’d backed away from her, face turned so she couldn’t see the suffering rise to the surface.

“Ha, yeah. Wrong. So, so wrong.” You cleared your throat, brushing past the weak attempt at nonchalance, ready to be off this subject. “So you miss him? You miss… Armitage? Yeah, no. I’m gonna stick to Hux, if that’s alright?”

A final laugh lit from her chest, Talia waving you off. “That’s fine, of course. And yeah. I miss him.” Her brow furrowed. “Do you think it could work? Me and him, and—” she gestured down to her abdomen, placing the scan back in her pocket “—this?”

This was none of your business, and you doubted anything you could say would help her, but there was genuine curiosity in her voice. There was respect in how she wanted your insight into something so intimate and personal.

A sigh preceded your reply, unsure if you were speaking to her or yourself. “I think… Just as you said earlier: no matter if its daunting or nonsensical or even completely impossible – if you want it and you are willing to do everything in your power to get it?”

Hope lit behind her eyes, bloomed in her chest at the suggestion. “It could work.”

Struggle hid behind a mask of hope. Of course she did not know how it pained you to offer words that would never exist for yourself, and it wasn’t fair to ruin her moment of clarity with the bitter bite of ill-placed jealousy. There was no part of you that envied her condition, but instead what it entailed; you coveted her ability to choose the life she wanted.

Talia shook her head free, a giggle warm on her breath. “We should get out of here. Night shift is gonna run us off soon. You have the time?”

“Uh, not readily available. But I’m sure it’s way past shift change.” You started toward the door.

“Hey, I noticed you’ve been staying in the on-call rooms?”

“Oh.” It surprised you that she’d noticed. The knowledge warmed you to your core, both from embarrassment and appreciation. “Yeah, I know you guys have been swamped down here with all the fallout from Starkiller, so I just thought I’d stay near to help out.”

She tsked, your name a mocked plead. “You are Starkiller fallout. You need to rest. Especially now that you can. I got an update from Zag about the trial. You’ve got, what? Three or four days before Canto Bight? Seven until the initial hearing?”

She’d done the same math you’d gone over at length. Hearing it from someone else’s mouth made it that much more real. Frightening. “I know. I do, I know. But what’s wrong with spending them here?”

“You know as much as I do that working constantly drains the absolute soul from you. Even just working these past three days I have been dying for my time off.”

“Yeah, but you have a reason to be tired.”

“I’m pregnant. You survived a planet exploding all the while keeping the Commander of the First Order alive. Are you forgetting that?”

Talia, I wish I could forget all of it. “No, I’m just-,”

“And I know you’ve been blowing off that McCarty guy. He’s a physician, right?”

Maybe you’d been less discreet in your efforts toward avoidance than you thought. It felt like being caught; this web of lies was becoming a strain, less of a benefit, a hinderance rather than protection. “He’s… Mason doesn’t know what he’s asking for, you know?”

“No, I don’t know.” Talia strode to your side, stern eyes on your own. “Look,” a breath softened her demeanor, “whatever happened on Starkiller, whatever you saw or felt – it’s affecting you. I don’t know what it is, and I’m not asking you to tell me – though, you can tell me anything – but at some point it becomes a choice to remain stagnant in grief.”

“Hey!” Talia had always been blunt, but her audacity now clawed at your patience.

“Okay, sorry, yes that was very harsh,” she placed a firm hand on your shoulder, “but you are the one who made me realize that. Here. Now.”

Tears threatened but remained stuck in your throat. “Like you said, I’m alone in this. I have to be.”

“The way I see it, you aren’t-,”

“Talia, I am.”

“You aren’t. Me being here and that physician coming here every night is proof of that.” You met her with silence. She shrugged. “You could have left me to deal with my issues alone, but you saw me and knew I couldn’t.” More silence on your part, her stare flicking between your eyes. “I see you. You can’t deal with this alone. I won’t let you.”

You fought to hide them, but one by one fell the tears you had not permitted before. For so long it seemed you had been shielding others from hurt, ensuring a safety they were not aware they needed. Talia was offering that to you, now. Rejection was the first instinct to kick in, feelings of doubt and thoughts of I do not deserve this blaring in urgency.

But then she spoke, naming what you had been too scared to confront. “Choose to not be alone. It doesn’t make you a bad person,” her hand left you, overwhelming assurance in her smile, “You’ve been strong for long enough, for so many others. Let someone be strong for you for once.”

The next breath you took was a million times lighter than any you’d had since seeing Kylo those days ago. She really did see you, more than she could ever know. It was imperfect, of course; you weren’t sure anyone would ever be fully aware of how much pain you were in, there was so much you could never share. It was her offer that brought you solace; it may be superficial for you, but Talia was in your corner, and she believed, knew, that it meant something. In her eyes, pooled with intensity, you heard her loud and clear: that oath, born in blood, was renewed here and now, its strength indelible even in silence.

“Now,” she activated the door, its hiss shivering down your spine, “I think Mason would love it if you caught up with him.” The two of you stepped into the hall, already beginning to part paths. “I’d invite you to stay with me but I, uh…”

“You’ll be otherwise predisposed?”

“…We’ll see,” rose bloomed in her cheeks, “I don’t think I’ll tell him. Not tonight. Not yet.”

“Ah,” you sighed, a yawn slipping past.

“Get some sleep! And maybe just… get some, you know?”

The joke registered too late, her paces halfway down the hall before you called out, “Oh. Oh. No, I’m not with- we aren’t anything more than friends.” Not sure if she even heard you, she waved behind her before turning a corner. Well. That’ll need clarifying.

Heat flared in your cheeks, several pairs of eyes weighing on your shoulders at the outburst. Would there ever be a day when you were not embarrassing yourself on this unit? Given this would be the last shift before going to Canto Bight, probably not. Eyes tracking your steps, deciding to surprise Mason instead of call him, you found your way to the on-call room where your entire world was set up; remnants of a past one, at least.

In it you gathered your belongings – a pair of back up scrubs, a toiletries bag, and the lifeless watch. There was a hesitance before placing the device with the other items. Six nights you had spent staring at its blank face, resenting the stranger you’d come to see. Glancing your face before placing it in the bag, you did a double-take. In the most minute details, barely there, you found a familiarity in the eyes you met; they were less dull, something like life or light peeking through the surface.

You dropped the gadget into your pocket, gathered your uniform into the bag, and took a final glance at the shelter you’d sought amidst a storm that had nearly consumed you. Even though nothing had truly mended, there was comfort in the absence of solitude; in the face of probable death, the explicit knowledge that you were not alone made it less daunting. Less impossible.

A final breath brought the door to a close, footsteps leading you into the vast expanse of the Finalizer. The change in air was nice, lungs welcoming the difference and cluing you into the fact you still had a gauze square shoved up your nose. It took a tug to pull it from its place, a sting pinching at the sudden release of pressure.

“Shit,” you hissed, feeling a new stream of warmth trickle past your lips. Two fingers pressed to your mouth, testing for a mirage but coming back with the real thing, red creaks splintering into the ridges of your fingerprint. Without thinking you wiped it down your scrub top, forgetting you were no longer clothed in camouflaging black, but instead unforgiving grey. “Fuck!”

“Wasn’t this how I left you here the last time?”

The airlock must have snapped, lungs solid, muscles frozen. Tension seized your ribcage, pulse plummeting, blood bounding against tuned ears. Every bit of moisture abandoned your mouth. Every bodily process you could think of stopped.

There was no modulation, each word raw, bare, and clear as the last time you had heard their founder. At least, the last time you’d heard it while awake. It was less haunted now, filled not with insidious rage but rather bone-chilling earnest.

“I suppose not, given it’s your blood tonight.”

He drew nearer, boots heavy and steps paced to perfection, the rhythm of his stride an echo of your heart. Kylo Ren was less than three paces from you and all you could do was endure the sensation of a singular ruby droplet following the line of your artery, dragging past your clavicle, and ghosting the skin over your sternum. The crimson trail began to dry, steps no longer sounding when you forced yourself to look up.

Chaos tore into the base of your spine, every nerve ending firing at the sight of his bare face, no helmet to veil the visage you had memorized. The black strip rested in prominence, striking through his features; in it you found a curious attraction, finding it fit him. The wound was less severe now, healing with time. He wore no helmet, but that by no means meant there was no mask keeping him at a distance only he knew the measure of.

“Where have you been, officer?” Cyanosis was a likely reality, breath still evading you as each word fell in baritone; petrified pupils not knowing where to focus. “Your services finally required, and yet you were nowhere to be found.”

Nothing. No words. No sound. No thoughts. Barren in every aspect of cognizance, you remained silent and still, only knowing to perceive him for what he was: superior.

A twitch at his brow, a narrowing of his eyes. Studying. Testing. “How unfortunate; starved for words when they would actually count.” His injury moved fluidly against his words, a beauty in the way it ebbed with each syllable.

A ping sounded at your waist, commlink buzzing in your pocket.

Languid, Kylo’s eyes dipped toward the sound. “You should get that,” he drawled, eyes twitching before conquering yours once more, “could be important.”

His tone haunted you, demeanor too suggestive. You swallowed against a dry throat, locked in his stare, knuckles brushing your watch when you took out your commlink. It trembled in your grip, shocked muscles heavy with weakness. His concentration had become adamant, palpable, an eyebrow prompting your attention to whatever message had triggered the alarm.

Concerning the defendant,

In the week since the previous correspondence, it has come to be that the defendant is to partake in nursing practice during her time on Canto Bight. This allows the Board of Physicians ease in collecting surveillance imperative to their final judgement.

Commander Ren’s decision to bar the defendant from external practice has been nullified as to not contradict this process.

In permitting the defendant’s practice while on trial, the objective to obtain a new provider has been benched. Due to this, the defendant shall remain assigned to her current Master while residing on Canto Bight…

At last, breath flourished your lungs, an inadvertent gasp thrusting a glutton of oxygen into your airway. Crazed eyes darted over the message for any sign of a mistake that would prove it to be falsified; the only thing you could find was finality, a document containing the proposed schedule attached at the end of the message.

A buzz washed through your brain, overstimulated by the information, everything around you suddenly all too close and bright. Jaw bound shut but still trembling, eyes low and unfocused, a familiar pressure flicked just under your chin. The Force tipped your face upward, pupils strict in their position, passing first over a tense jaw and landing at last on the challenge that lay behind Kylo Ren’s glare.

“I’ll see you on Canto Bight, officer.” A serpentine smirk slithered along his lips, one stride bringing him so his face was hidden, shoulder linked with yours, and fingers jut out to graze at the hidden permanence atop your left thigh. His voice, an onslaught of emptiness, a cold threat, suffocated all that surrounded you. “You wanted to give me more? Prove it.”

#kylo ren #kylo ren fanfic #kylo ren x you #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren imagine #ao3 #st kyp

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feverwritingandtextposts · 4 years

Note

Your Rengoku fic was soo soooooo good?! I was blushing and smiling so much!! Is it okay to request Sanemi being nervous to ask reader on a date too in modern AU? He asks Kanae for advice and reader misunderstood his intentions and thought she never had a chance with him. He does eventually ask the home economics teacher after some encouragement from Kanae 🤭 cute, slightly angsty miscommunication! Sanemi is too cute hehe. If not I understand, thank you!

I loved your request lmao! I was caught up for a few days wondering what would be the best way to write it. I hope you like it! Tell me if you do, also still tell me if you don’t LOL.

If you like my work, please support me on ko-fi!

This was also posted on AO3 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21781480

————————————————————————————

Miscommunication

Not for the first time, you were thankful of how large Himejima was.

He blocked out everything, the light, the doorway, Shinazugawa’s glare…

Peering cautiously past Himejima’s bulk, you met the sharp eyes of the Math teacher. You flickered your gaze back to the table immediately, trying to desperately act as if you never noticed him staring.

In your defence, you never thought he’d get this angry over it. You only ate one of his strawberry daifuku, and that was only because he’d been complaining about having to eat them at all! A generous student’s mother had given him an entire bag full of them; you didn’t think he’d miss one.

Slowly, you lean back in your chair slinking fully into Himejima’s shadow and out of Shinazugawa’s line of sight. You had to stretch out your hands awkwardly to mark papers at this angle, but its worth it to stop feeling that burning glare on your skin.

From over the other side of the room, you could hear Shinazugawa’s chair scrape as he moved, and all of a sudden, you felt that piercing gaze on you again.

Did he re-position himself… Just to glare at you?

You were so fucked.

—

“You should try a peace offering,” came Tomioka’s mild suggestion. At your silence, he tries again. “It worked for me,” he says, half shrugging.

You remember a specific instance where Tomioka had tried this very method to stop Shinazugawa’s angry tirade during a particularly tense teacher’s meeting (hereby referred to by traumatised witnesses as ‘The Incident’). The two of them had ended up in an all out brawl, the bear shaped cupcake Tomioka had offered ending up half squished under his sneakers, with the other half smeared all over Shinazugawa’s tight tailored trousers.

Probably sensing what you were thinking of, Tomioka opened his mouth again, perhaps to defend his suggestion before he was smoothly cut off by Kanae.

“He’s got a point!” she says, clapping her hands together in excitement. “After all, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach! You should make him something.”

You frown at her.

She goes on, pointedly ignoring your deep frown of disapproval. “How about ohagi? I’m sure you know how to make some, you’re the Home Economics teacher after all.”

You frown even harder. “Kanae-san, he’ll kill me.”

She smiles, and there’s something mysterious that twinkles behind her eyes that scares you. “He won’t if it tastes nice.”

—

Perhaps for better or worse, you take up their suggestions. You don’t have any better ideas anyway.

You spent a lonely afternoon working on your sweets in the empty Home Economics classroom, crafting your ohagi. You’d never admit it, but you took Kanae’s words seriously. If you were sure of anything, it was your cooking skills. You could’ve been a chef if you weren’t so intent on teaching rowdy children the finer art of home cooked cuisine.

If Shinazugawa didn’t like your ohagi your heart might never survive the insult.

At Kanae’s encouragement the next day, you began your long walk to find Shinazugawa, with all the heavy countenance of a soldier off to war.

You find him brisk walking through the third year’s corridor, probably on his way back to the staff room for lunch. He looked as hard to approach as ever, face set in stony contemplation, arm raised to prop his file up on his shoulder, biceps bulging through his tight shirt.

Hesitantly, you call after him, the nicely wrapped bag of ohagi clutched tightly in your clammy hands. To your surprise, he stops immediately, head swinging to you so fast he might have gotten whiplash.

“What?” he asks, eyes wide and intense, burning right through you. Uncomfortable by the full force of his attention, you felt the heat rise to your cheeks, and you break eye contact. Lowering your gaze, you are instead greeted by a full view of his scarred pectorals, courtesy of the ever open shirt. You raise your gaze back to his face immediately, not wanting to be caught staring.

“Um,” you begin, holding out the packet of food, feeling for all intents and purposes like a blushing schoolgirl talking to her crush. Thank god all of the students had already left for the cafeteria. “This is for you.”

He takes it, eyes widening as he examines the treats through the see-through plastic packaging. He’s unusually quiet. “Sorry for eating your daifuku,"you grind out, and his eyes snap back to you.

His face twists, eyebrow cocked. "You ate my daifuku?” he asks, confusion laced in his voice.

“You didn’t realise?” you ask, incredulous.

Shinazugawa scowls in response. “Why would I care if you ate it? You can have the entire bag if you want.”

“Then, why are you angry with me?"

At that, Shinazugawa splutters, and you watch as his cheeks tinge with colour.

"I’m not mad at you,” he snaps, eyebrows furrowed angrily at you.

Pursing your lips, you decide to let that one go. Shinazugawa continues to glare at you for a moment longer, before blurting out a harsh “whatever,” and stalking off.

You stand in the empty hallway, dumbfounded. He didn’t even thank you for the food! But then again, he did say he wasn’t angry at you so… You’ll still consider this a win.

Shinazugawa doesn’t speak another word to you for the rest of the day, but the heated glares stop as well so you won’t complain.

—

The next morning has you breathing easier. No longer did you feel Shinazugawa’s fevered gaze trained on your back. No longer did you risk catching his eye in a crowd, far too intense for a mere glance. No longer did he force himself into the seat in front of you at lunch and glare at you instead of eating his food.

It was actually feeling far too peaceful for you. Like a fire doused with water, the sudden change in Shinazugawa’s attitude left you feeling surprisingly dour.

You barely even see him anymore, a startling change from when he seemed to be everywhere you looked. If you didn’t know better, yo’d think he was avoiding you.

The thought made you a little bit sad.

You didn’t mean to create a rift with him. You just wanted to be friends! Maybe. Even you didn’t know what you wanted. You wanted to get along with your colleague, you wanted it to be more than just long looks from the other side of the room, more than just wordless glares. You wanted to know just what his problem with you was.

The more you thought about it, the angrier you got.

Stupid Shinazugawa, with his stupid hair, and his stupid handsome face, and perfect abs and-

Whatever. It’s not like you cared anyway.

That’s exactly what you tell a very bored Tomioka at lunch that day, as he chews dismally through a mouthful of rice.

“Hm,” is all he says to your ranting, and continues shoveling rice into his face. Rengoku also ignores your griping, likely not even hearing you over his own exclamations of “Delicious!” as he steadily makes his way through his fifth bowl of ramen. You guys were the only ones at the teacher’s table with Uzui holed up in the infirmary nursing burnt fingers from his latest explosion attempt, Himejima spending the lunch hour counseling (reprimanding) some of the problem kids, and the rest scattered somewhere or another.

You wished that Kanae were here to vent to. No sooner did you think that did the lady herself walk into the cafeteria, deep in conversation with a pensive looking Shinazugawa. Walking towards the table, Kanae catches your eye and sends a quick smile your way, never once stopping whatever it was she was telling the Math teacher. You hear Shinazugawa click his tongue in annoyance at her as they drew close. Spotting you and Tomioka, he gives the latter a particularly withering glare, and glances away quickly when you meet his eye. Not breaking stride, he stalks past the teacher’s table, to sit in-between a surprised Genya and an absolutely horror struck Zenitsu.

Inwardly, you offer the boy your condolences.

Kanae gives you a knowing smile as she takes her seat beside you, leisurely unpacking her homemade bento.

“So how did it go?” she asks finally, offering you a piece of her tamagoyaki.

“Terrible,” you reply grumpily, accepting the egg and immediately shoving it in your mouth. “He hates me even more now.”

Kanae hums thoughtfully in reply. “I don’t think he hates you.”

You deadpan her a look. “He hasn’t said a word to me all day. He won’t even look at me.” At that Kanae snickers, trying and failing to hide her smile behind her chopsticks. You raise an eyebrow at her questioningly.

“You seem surprisingly upset at that! After all that you’ve complained about being looked at too much before,” she says in-between bouts of tinkling laughter.

You can’t help the immediate flush at her words. “I wasn’t being looked at! I was being glared at!”

“Uh huh,” she agrees teasingly, pretty pink eyes alight with amusement. Feeling the heat creep up your neck at the implication, you turn away from her with a huff.

Your reaction just served to amuse her more, and she pats your back consolingly. After her laughter dies down, she speaks again, voice gentle. “If you want him to speak to you, why don’t you try talking to him first?”

You fight the childish need to pout. “No way. He can hate me if he wants, I don’t care.”

Behind your back, Kanae and Tomioka share a tired look.

Your dismal mood carried on throughout the day, even inciting the concern of some of your more perceptive students (mainly Tanjiro). You sigh as you set your stack of collected homework on your desk, drained from your own whirlwind of emotions the last few days. You’ll tackle it tomorrow.

You’re so wrapped up in yourself that it takes you a while to notice that you’re the last person left in the staff room. With a single glance to the dark skies outside, you rummage through your bag and desk for your umbrella.

You can’t find it, probably having left it to dry out on your balcony the night before. Silently ruing your own forgetfulness, you resolved to just make a dash for it with your windbreaker as a makeshift cover. Luckily it was late enough that most if not all of the students were already home and wouldn’t bear witness to their teacher fighting the rain.

Pulling open the door, you step out and knock promptly into something hard in the darkened hallway. Before you can draw back with a shriek, the something speaks. “You’re still here?” the voice asks, and you peer through the dim lighting to see Shinazugawa staring down at you.

“Yeah I had some.. Stuff to do,” you mumble, taking a step back from him. “Why are you still here?”

Shinazugawa’s eyes, no less intense than before, searches you for a second before he glances away again. “Its raining. Do you have an umbrella?” he says finally, choosing apparently, to completely gloss over your question.

You shake your head in response, wondering why he was suddenly talking to you. He cocked his head sharply, a universal sign for follow me. Turning, he ambles down the hallway calling out a casual, “you can share mine,” as he goes.

Your pride begged you to protest, but the larger, traitorous part of you willed yourself to go along with it, following him down the dim empty hallways to the school entrance. You say nothing on your way down, the strange awkward tension of the situation settling into your bones and keeping you from looking at him. Ever so often you feel his burning gaze settle on you, but he glances away just as quickly.

As it turns out, Shinazugawa’s umbrella wasn’t that big. It wasn’t tiny, but it certainly wasn’t big enough for the two of you to share without one of you getting wet. The man himself shoots you a pointed look and you take it as a hint not to mention that.

Pressed against his arm, you tried desperately not to think about how your fingertips brushed against his as you two walked, squeezed awkwardly under the umbrella.

The sun would have barely gone down at this time, but it was so dark out it might as well have been night. It was also ridiculously cold out, a fact that you only realised now that you had a warm body tucked against you. As the rain came down heavier, you felt a shiver rack through you, and you involuntarily press yourself into the warmth of Shinazugawa’s arm.

You feel him stiffen, and realising that, you try to move away, getting your shoulder immediately soaked through with rain. Shinazugawa clicks his tongue in annoyance, wrapping his arm around you and drawing you in close. “You’re gonna get wet, idiot,” he muttered, but there was no heat behind his words. Instead, all the world’s heat seemed to be concentrated in his arm, wrapped tightly around you, comfortably warm.

Your face was burning. Utterly gobsmacked by the situation, you couldn’t bring yourself to say a word, hell, you couldn’t even look at him right now. The rain was thankfully loud enough to drown out the beating of your own heart as you two made your way down to the station, half cuddled into his side. You were pretty sure his arm was getting wet from how it was shielding you from the rain, but Shinazugawa didn’t say a word, so you didn’t either.

The station was as busy as ever, filled with bedraggled people running for their trains. Shinazugawa dropped his arm from you the minute you two were under the station’s shelter. Wordlessly, he began folding the umbrella. Somehow you felt that if you spoke now, it would break the strange tension that has followed you two since leaving the school. And for some reason, you didn’t want that to happen. So you stand, watching as he folds his umbrella, slowly, and he stands, feeling your eyes on him, close enough for him to smell the shampoo off your hair.

Shinazugawa breaks the silence first.

“Wanna get something to eat?” he asks, tossing his bag over his shoulder and giving you a great view of his rolling biceps.

“What?” you reply, intelligently.

“Eat. Let’s go eat,” he says, beckoning you to follow him as he makes his way over to one of the small hole in the wall eateries that line the inside of the station. Not wanting to turn down this rare show of friendliness, and even less wanting to part from him, you follow along.

The two of you squeeze into the tiny plastic benches of a damp smelling Mcdonalds. Seated in front of you, the chairs were close enough that your knees bumped against Shinazugawa’s, but that wasn’t what you were focused on. Shinazugawa was smiling.

He looked like he was trying to hide it too, propping his elbow up on the backrest and resting his hand oh so causally against his mouth. You never thought he’d like Mcdonalds this much.

“What do you wanna get?” Shinazugawa asked, “I’m buying.”

“Uhh,” you scan the menu quickly, before telling him your order. You were more than a little flustered with the sudden 180 in your relationship with this man. He went from angry, to ignoring you, to walking with you in the rain, to now treating you to food? He felt like a hurricane and you can’t catch up.

Distantly, you thought about what Kanae said about “talking”.

Shinazugawa sets down the tray of greasy fries and burgers with a clack, startling you out of your reverie. He motions for you to take one, still looking far too pleased about being stuffed into a plastic seat with damp clothes and a tray full of fried food. He’s got a lovely, pleasant smile on, and its a jarring difference from his usual irritable glowers and sinister smirks. It makes him look gentle.

You help yourself to the food, and spurred on by Shinazugawa’s content expression, you decided to bite the bullet. “So, why did you come back to the staff room?”

The effect is instantaneous. Shinazugawa chokes on his burger, nearly upsetting his soda as he tries to wash it down. You stare, unsure weather to laugh or be genuinely concerned. His face is red now, and you’re not sure if its because of the choking, or whatever possibly embarrassing thing he’s about to say.

“I came back because Kochou told me you were probably still around,” he muttered, eyebrows furrowing as if daring you to contest what he says.

Confused, you point at yourself. “Me? Why me?”

“Because you don’t have an umbrella, idiot.”

“How did you know I didn’t have an umbrella?”

“Because it always sticks out at the end of your tiny ass bag, and I didn’t see it there toda-” Shinazugawa cuts himself off, eyes widening in the realisation that he had maybe said too much.

“Wow, you’re really perceptive Shinazugawa-san,” you say, somewhat awestruck. Shingazugawa flushes an even darker red, the colour of his burning cheeks vibrant against his pale hair. You can’t help but smile at the display. “Thank you,” you say honestly, “you’re a really nice person. I can’t imagine anyone else coming all the way back to the office just to help their colleague.”

Shinazugawa gawks at you, the embarrassment on his face shifting to something nearing incredulity. “You-” he begins, voice halting as if he’s trying to reign in his emotions. “You’re such a fucking idiot.”

You draw back, offended. And just when you thought you guys were finally getting along. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah, you’re an idiot,” Shinazugawa says, his voice growing louder with agitation with every word. “You think I’d go all the way back there for just anybody? You think I’m just trying to be nice?”

You leant back as far as you could in the tiny seat, very confused about Shinazugawa’s mounting anger, and very uncomfortable about the stares the two of you were getting. “Uh… Weren’t you…?”

“No!” he snarls, slapping a hand to his forehead.

“Oh. Uh, then why-”

“I LIKE YOU, YOU IDIOT,” Shinazugawa snaps, slamming his hand down on the table, with a resounding smack.

Ok now, everyone was staring.

Oh my god.

Shinazugawa hides his face in his hand, either from embarrassment, exasperation, or a mixture of both. Hesitantly, you reach towards him to pat his arm for comfort. He grabs your hand, lightning fast, before you could touch him, and the sudden warmth of his touch makes you jump. “You thought I hated you? Why? What the fuck did I do wrong? Kanae was all like ’maybe you’re being too intense’ so I tried to stop looking at you so much, but then you looked sad anyway so fuck Kanae’s advice and-” You reach out and set a hand over his mouth, effectively stopping him to the disappointed murmurs from the gossip hungry Mcdonalds customers, cuing in onto your drama.

In any case, you didn’t think your heart could take any more of these sudden revelations. You were sure your face was just as red as his, or even more so. “I’m sorry,” you whisper, voice wavering. “I totally didn’t realise. Guess I really am an idiot huh?”

Shinazugawa’s eyes widened. Peeling your hand gently away from his mouth, he shook his head ferociously. “No, you’re not. Don’t- You’re not an idiot. You’re just too fucking dense about this kind of stuff.” His grip on your hand tightened to a comforting squeeze. “But I like that about you anyway.”

“Wha- you do?”

“Yeah. I like a lot of things about you.”

“Really?”

“You’re a really fucking good cook too.”

You blush even harder at that, unable to stop the smug smile on your face. You knew no one could resist your ohagi! Shinazugawa gives an endeared, lopsided smile at your expression.

“Make that for me again sometime.”

“Oh, sure!” you say, smiling back at him. To your surprise, he rolls his eyes.

“Don’t make them if you, ya know, don’t wanna or something,” he says softly, and you catch what he means for once.

“Hey! I don’t make ohagi for just anybody you know!”

—

Shinazugawa continues to hold your hand as the two of you leave the Mcdonalds, and you let him, the two of you blushing and smiling like misbehaving teenagers.

Behind you, someone wolf whistles at the two of you, and someone else cheers, probably having sat through the entire of the two of your very vocal confession scene.

At that Sanemi whips around, teeth bared and ready to fight whichever poor soul it was. Urgently, you tug on his hand, hoping to prevent a McMassacre. Surprisingly, he allows you to lead him out obediently, but he still keeps turning back to shoot the other customers death glares as he goes.

You sigh to yourself, unable to stop the amused smile creeping up on your face. Just what did you get yourself into?

#sanemi x reader #kny imagines #kny #Kimetsu no Yaiba #shinaguzawa sanemi #sanemi #kochou kanae #i headcanon that sanemi gets as red as genya does when he's embarassed #no one can convince me otherwise

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othernecessarythings · 4 years

Text

back on my bullshit again

and once more!! if you happen to stumble across these posts of mine, please just ignore them.. they’re a way for me to reflect on my life (and improve my english), and while i can’t stop you from reading them, can i say that you probably wouldn’t benefit much from it lol. anyways let’s go

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

my lots of songs list: the love club-lorde, river en vacker dröm-håkan hellström, living dead-marina, why we ever-hayley williams, snälla bli min-veronica maggio, take this lonely heart-nothing but thieves

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

oof um the person who will be the love of my life? no lol but like zendaya would be pretty cool ig

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“... and the top was red-and-white striped, and it all zipped up in the front.”

4) What do you think about most?

hmm my friends maybe?

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

not that i know of

6) Do you have any strange phobias?

nah i feel some trypophobia (?spelling) sometimes but that’s it

7) What’s your religion?

i’m kinda christian, but like i choose which parts to believe in and not, like i believe in the message of doing good and love, but not like homophobia or an actual god lol

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

sitting in the sun, listening to music

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

ah probably paramore, yeah it must be them

10) What was the last lie you told?

eh kinda basic but “i’m fine” i guess

11) Do you believe in karma?

ooh that’s a questioning worth discussing, no i don’t believe in the actual the-universe-is-constantly-judging-our-actions, but like that people who do good tend to get good things back? yeah that makes sense

12) What does your URL mean?

my main (neon-places) is from perfect places by lorde, and just neon bc it sounds cool

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

oh god if i only knew,,, i really need to improve my empathy, but my systematical skills are quite good

14) Who is your celebrity crush?

hayley williams

15) How do you vent your anger?

i don’t get mad😌😌 no but like when i get irritated do i just close my door to my room and like listen to music in headphones and solve a puzzle or something lol

16) Do you have a collection of anything?

i kinda collect things that mark an important/memorable event in my life, like my first pride bracelet, my favorite jeans from when i was like 15, lots of birthday cards,, yeah it’s not so unique, but they’re important to me

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yes!!!! me a few years ago would’ve never thought that i’d be like this now, but i’m proud of myself and what i’ve become!!

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

fun fact i HATE sleeping to the sound of rain. it makes me really anxious,, i love the sound of waves though, or my little sisters pure laugh :,)

19) What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if i’m just faking everything, what if this is not actually me but something i put up to please others around me

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

not ghosts really, but there must be some sort of life in the whole fucking space,, while maybe not what we traditionally would categorize as “life”, must it exist something, somewhere

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

i’m in my bed so like. my nightstand to the right, my wall to the left

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?

absolutely nothing, i’m so used to the smell of my house

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

oo idk??? i’m usually quite content with wherever we’re going, although fotografiska in stockholm was shitty though

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?

oh um like tyler joseph maybe? gerard way, frank iero? yeah i’m an emo slut

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?

no don’t go there,, thereisnomeaningoflifesoitsallaboutmakingasmuchaspossibleandliveashappilyaspossiblyuntilourfleetingexistenceonthisearthisover

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

.. yeah you could say that i drove, i have a driving license after all, and i’ve never crashed but i’ve been stopped by police a few times lol

27) What was the last movie you saw?

no idea, i never watch movies... or wait!! we had legally blonde on at my friends house a few days ago when we got home from a party, i didn’t exactly watch it but it was playing

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

i’ve had some bad allergic reactions in form of severe eczema

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?

‘the devil and god are raging inside me’ by brand new, doing my makeup a special way

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

yeah, that i’m gay and together with my earlier best friend (we were not)

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

not really,, i’m really fucking scared of conflicts so i simply forgive and move on, it’s easier that way

32) What is your astrological sign?

pisces baby

33) What’s the last thing you purchased?

a blue skirt second hand!! v cute

34) Love or lust?

um idk i’ve never really experienced any of them, but maybe love

35) In a relationship?

nope

36) How many relationships have you had?

a whopping amount of zero

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I DONT KNOW someone tell me please how to get someone to like me,, but like more friendship-like is it usually to always choose my words very carefully to not upset anyone, it usually gets me quite far

38) Where is your best friend?

where? i hope she’s home? well like we took the bus home together a few hours ago, so i guess she’s home

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

aha ha funny,, i was having a small mental crisis so i sat and did math (by free will, school has ended for summer) while listening to melodrama.. yes

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

i don’t know, this is so hard.. but like. no? or it wouldn’t really work to have someone like me as a close friend, i’m to introvert, i tend to surround myself with extroverts who bring me with them to do stuff

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

oh um i call 112 (the swedish 911) and make sure someone else notice the dog too and help it while i hurry to my job

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) yes, i think so. only my closest though, to give them a chance to say goodbye properly, but i wouldn’t really like other just acquaintances to reach out just bc of the circumstances

b) i try to travel as much as possible, party all i can, tell everyone i love how much they mean to me and just. live

c) of course, i would be scared to death (see what i did there) but i wouldn’t have any other choice but to fully live my last month

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

hard times by paramore!! it always makes me want to dance

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

45) How can I win your heart?

show any whatsoever interest in me lol

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

i guess,, i’m like the opposite of insanity though, i’m constantly numb and completely lacking any creativity, so it may work the other way too

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

hmm maybe my school application? i’m so fucking happy with my choice

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

hmm nothing too special i guess, just the usual loved and missed and so

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”

like the anatomy and stuff,,, i really like biology, more than romances lol

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

usually different shades of blue, but right now all pastel colors, especially purple

51) What is your current desktop picture?

my locked screen is two of my best friends, and my home screen is paramore ofc

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

trump would be pretty nice

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

oh um like “name a few things you don’t like about me” or something, bc as i said, i hate conflicts

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

the ability to change the probability!!! it’s the ultimate superpower!!!

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

my tøp concert maybe? i was really euphoric then, and i haven’t really felt like that since, but i’m afraid i’ll destroy that memory if i could go back so idk

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i’ve had quite a happy life yet, there’s no big thing i’d like to erase,, no i feel like every experience in my life has leaded me to where i am today, so i wouldn’t like to erase anything

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

hmm idk maybe alex turner. idk i feel like it would be pretty nice

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

italy maybe? my friends and i planned to go there this summer before the corona hit, so i’d like to go there lol

59) Ever been on a plane?

yeah several times

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.

idk idk i’m not really.. attracted to anyone rn? it’s kinda weird but there’s no one where i’m like wow this person is HOT,, nah i don’t really feel anything like that at the moment

#julias mind #just for my own sake #self development

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anodyne-sunflower · 7 years

Text

Love me like you do (Part 19)-Balem series

A/N: Here we goooo! Part 19! Can you guys believe it’ll be part 20 next update?! Omg…this was supposed to be a 5-10 part series 😂 Well, whatever…I enjoy prolonging the feels. Hope y'all do too. Please enjoy! I know next to nothing of space, and since it’s just a fanfic and not a scientific paper, spare me the lecture on Jupiter’s weather lol

MOOD MUSIC: Lust for life by Lana Del Rey

***

Trying to find an empty place to keep to yourself proved harder than you originally planned. The servant quarters were quiet enough, minus the many people coming in and out throughout the day. And even with the door closed you could clearly hear the gossip going on in the halls. You even lost count on the number of times your name flew passed their loose lips. It was bothersome to listen to, but you always tried your best to remain the bigger person. In this instance, that meant getting up and wondering the endless halls of Balem’s palace just to get away from them all.

You found yourself lost rather instantly, this place quickly becoming a maze for you. None of it made sense, and even trying to find something familiar was hard. It dawned on you how little you knew of this planet and all its surrounding cities. Balem was usually by your side you didn’t feel the need to explore or learn any of it. You supposed, in the back of your mind you saw all of this as temporary. Little chance of that now.

“Gardens?” You chewed on the inside of your cheek, looking at the golden plaque sign that adorned the black marbled wall. There was two large glass doors that led outside, and from your current position you could only see trees and grass. You guessed it was Balem’s idea of a garden, which likely meant it would’ve been the equivalent of a park on earth. He truly didn’t spare no expense in his life. But, with no one around it seemed the best choice for you. With slight reluctance, you looked around before sneaking through the door and making your way outside.

The breeze was instantly refreshing for you, a nice chill to the air you hadn’t really expected. But, the view was something that left you breathless. From the inside, it looked like a forest, perhaps even a meadow. However, up close it looked like something straight out of a fairy tale. The grass expanded around his palace, at least as far as you could make out. But, the flowers and ponds decorated this area so beautifully it was breathtaking. It could easily rival Kalique’s home, with the gorgeous waterfalls and red plants. Unlike hers though, this one somehow felt more serene to you. As if it was a little piece of home to be cherished. And for once in your time here, it felt like true peace.

You walked deeper into the path, holding your hand out as the bushes brushed along your fingertips. They were lovely shades of greens, oranges and colors you couldn’t even begin to describe. And each flower that bloomed along their tops was stunning. None of them looked familiar, save for the few that resembled roses. But, you had never seen anything like this before and it was already becoming your favorite part of this planet.

With a contented sigh, you eased between two shrubs, coming upon a large pond and fountain. You took a seat atop the rock on the edge, leaning back as you closed your eyes and enjoyed the breeze. You removed your boots, dipping your feet into the cold water. It was like heaven for you, just the sounds of the local fauna and trees swaying in the wind. It was the first time you had truly felt relaxed since being here. Unfortunately, not all things get to last. Especially amongst Balem’s numerous workers and advisors. No matter where you went, you figured they’d always find you. As was the case with Mr. Night.

“Go away.” It was nearly pleading, your body growing slack as you felt his gaze upon your back. You didn’t even need to turn to see his judgmental expression, because you already guessed that your new attire would throw him for a loop. Just imagining Balem’s expression was humorous enough.

“I was sent to retrieve you for lord Balem. So, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Mr. Night held one arm out, gesturing back towards the entrance in a means for you to follow him. But, right now you had no interest in seeing him or Balem. You were still feeling rather lost about the entire thing, and at this time you didn’t think your heart could take anymore hardships for the day. Unfortunately, Balem was not an understanding man, and you knew Mr. Night would do whatever it takes to keep his master in good spirits. Even if it meant dragging you away by force.

“I very much mind.” You shot him a less than gracious look, trying to convey how annoyed you were with him and his lord. Not everything in life had to revolve around them, but you doubted they’d ever see it that way. “What does he want anyway? Last time I saw him he was screaming for me to leave.”

None of this was his advisor’s business, but it felt good to vent it out to someone. Even if that someone was a splice who likely detested you for whatever reason. Perhaps that’s why you trusted him though. Mr. Night didn’t play games with Balem’s moods, so your negativity wasn’t likely to fall upon the entitled’s ears anytime soon.

“I believe he wishes to have dinner with you.”

The splice craned his neck towards you, trying to gain your full attention so that he could complete his simple task. But, you weren’t having it today. If that’s truly what Balem wanted, he could wait forever on you. It was maddening how he believed himself so powerful that one fancy meal would make all this go away.

“Dinner?” You scoffed in disbelief, giving a cynical smile as you turned back to the wonderful view before you. “I have no interest in joining him.”

“This wasn’t a request.”

“Nothing ever is with him. Now go away!”

Every second that ticked by made you more frustrated, and as much as you disliked Mr. Night you didn’t intend to be rude to the splice. He was only doing his job, the downside was that his job was simply helping Balem.

“I see the standard Abrasax temper has rubbed off on you.” He said with contempt, moving his hands behind his back.

You couldn’t blame him for that comment, your anger was misplaced. But, would it kill Balem and all the others to leave you be for even an hour. Apparently, that was far too much to wish for here. The power of these people, they seriously earned the description of entitled.

“All this time…” You scoffed, shaking your head as you began to think back on all your decisions here. Life had certainly not turned out like you planned or even expected. If someone long ago told you you’d end up mistress to the ruler of Jupiter and earth, well, that wouldn’t have gone over so well. But, here you sat, amongst the lovely gardens of Balem’s alcazar as if it was a normal habit of yours. Somewhere along the lines of being abducted you grew to just accept all this. It wasn’t easy, that much was sure, but you felt like maybe it was just the easier thing to do. Accept it, and learn to like it. Because, the more you marinated on the questions the more it grew to make you nervous. Besides, you always believed the world was much bigger than people thought. You just didn’t think it’d turn out quite like this. “All this time we believe the world is ruled by men and women in charge of countries. And here stands one man ruling our entire planet.”

Mr. Night kept quiet at first, hands clasped behind his back, and beady eyes set upon you. He was only mildly interested in your words, the better and smarter half of him thinking delicately on time. Because, Balem was definitely not going to be pleased if he took far too long to retrieve you. “You are just now coming to terms with this?”

His question did catch you off guard, for he hardly cared to converse with you. Much less even greet you half the time. It was only a matter of time though, he couldn’t possibly ignore you forever. Especially standing right behind you.

“No…no, of course not. It’s just-” You had to think deeply on it, because this world…that man, they had a way of changing your perspective on things. “Before I came here, before I was brought here, I thought I had a pretty good handle on the way the world works. What’s right, what’s wrong. I convinced myself that it was black and white.” There was a small pause between your words, your eyes downcast towards the water as it glided over your ankles. The fish in the pond grew near, only to skitter away when you barely moved your foot. “Now I just don’t understand anything.”

Your voice was desperate for an answer, a hint of hope that Mr. Night could somehow fix it all for you. It was pathetic really, but you didn’t care if it was him or a complete stranger. You just wanted somebody to figure this out for you. Because, the confusion you were beginning to feel was building up to the point that thinking was becoming quite the chore.

“I should hate him.” That was the problem. You should hate him, without any doubt in your body. Since the very beginning you should’ve loathed that entitled man with every fiber of your being. Black and white. That’s what it should have been. He used people, killed them, bent everyone to his will. He was tiresome, selfish, temperamental, anything negative you could possibly think of and that pretty much summed up Balem. “But, I can’t.”

“Personal crisis aside, we should not keep Lord Balem-”

“I want to hate him…”

Mr. Night sighed heavily, growing impatient with your issues. He didn’t have time to play therapist for you. Everyone on this planet had problems, but only Balem’s were of his concern. And seeing as how you were his Lord’s current predicament, he may as well try and humor you along. If only to get you to follow him back without use of force. He gritted his teeth, rolling his eyes as he tried to sound genuine towards you. “Oh?”

You laid your chin on your knees, feeling the weight of the world upon your shoulders. Or universe, in this case. You didn’t really want to hate him, that was a bit harsh for someone like you. Dislike, sure. But, hate was entirely different. As hellbent as Balem was on causing harm to billions, you didn’t wish death upon him.

“I just-”

“Can’t. Yes, I know. You’ve already…said that.” Mr. Night sucked in a frustrated breath, trying hard to maintain his composure despite his ever growing impatience with you. “But, Lord Balem is waiting on your arrival. I am sorry for your friend, it was a terrible tragedy but she is gone-” He didn’t mean it, he could care less about the serving girl. But, if his sentiments allowed you some comfort enough to get up and go, then he’d play along. “And my lord is not. So, need I remind you once more that he is waiting on-”

“He is not…” You lifted your head, brows knitting together as you replayed Night’s words over in your head. “He’s alive.”

Your words confused the advisor, and he glanced around the garden as if there might be someone else around that could make sense of all this. Instead he found the usual sounds of waterfalls and wildlife. Not to mention your crazed sounding revelations. Maybe it was time you finally snapped, the knowledge of all this eventually getting to you. But, that wasn’t the case. Mr. Night’s words just made you realize something in yourself, something that only served to further the idea that life really wasn’t so black and white. Even with you.

Nevaeh was gone, and Balem was alive. And it was only now that you comprehended why his words made you so angry. You felt for the loss of your friend, truly you did. But, when Balem said those cruel words, it wasn’t the grief of her loss that hurt you. But, rather grief for your own musings. Nevaeh was dead, and Balem still stood before you. Unharmed, and as well as anyone could be after an attempt on their life. And that was a relief to you. You were happy that he was well, that he could still stand there before you in all his confident glory like he always did. You ached for her loss, but you were more elated by his survival and that very thought disgusted you. That’s why his words cut so deep for you, because he so casually made you realize how selfish you could be. All because of him. In that moment, his life was more important to you than a ‘serving girl’ as he so nonchalantly put it on most occasions.

You closed your eyes in defeat, heart wrenching at your emotions. “Oh god…” If his advisor wasn’t here, you were positive you would’ve sank onto the ground in a ball of self pity. Everyone sought to explain your feelings for you lately, but you didn’t need them to verify anything for you. It seems you were perfectly capable of approaching that understanding on your own. It may not be love, you thought. But, it certainly couldn’t be classified as nothing anymore.

“I can’t go…”

You dropped from the rock, pulling your boots back on and attempting to get passed the splice. Only he appeared to have expected such a reaction, and with a wave of his hand two guards grabbed your arms lifting you easily from the ground and carrying you off into the alcazar.

***

“Let me go!” You fought desperately against their tight hold, heels barely scraping the ground as the doors to Balem’s chambers slid open. It was the last place you wanted to be, but no matter the fight you put up you still ended up back here. It was just like the first time you saw him. Only this time you weren’t laying at his feet. But, the guards threw you to the ground as soon as you entered the room, making you catch yourself on your hands and knees.

“Mr. Night.” Balem was sitting at his private dinner table, playing with the bottom of his wine glass once you came in. His eyes were trained on the wine sloshing around, but it was obvious he was still aware of his surroundings. “Is that really necessary?” He took a sip of his wine, his eyes moving to the side to take in the scene.

“She refused to come, my lord.” The splice bowed upon being addressed, a concerned look on his face. He knew you were particularly special to the Primary, roughing you up was the last thing he wanted. “Forgive me, but I tried every-”

“Enough.” Balem held his hand up, no longer interested in the details of the story. All he wanted was for you to be here, and seeing as how that wish was met he cared little for the rest of the reasons. “Leave us. Now.”

The guards and advisor bowed once more, exiting the room and leaving you to kneel on the ground. You didn’t want to move, because that meant seeing him. Even speaking felt difficult, as much as you wanted to yell at him for all of this harsh treatment, you simply kept your mouth shut. Not that any of this behavior was pleasing to the Primary. You could almost feel his anger in the air.

“Get up.”

Ignoring him would only make it worse, and that was something you weren’t keen on dealing with. With as little joy as possible, you rose to your feet, smoothing out your shirt and trudging along until you stood at the table. He wasn’t in any mood to play games, and just when you stood before him he looked up at you. It was the first time in hours that you saw those green eyes of his, the very ones that made you nervous and excited. Only this time there was far more to it, a feeling that was almost indescribable for you.

“Sit.”

He used his boot to push the other chair out, eyes still fixated on your sullen form. It was hard to tell what he was thinking, but his intense gaze was enough to make you believe it wasn’t positive. Emotions aside, you fell back into the chair, avoiding his glare as much as possible. It wasn’t an easy task considering how heated his stares could be, but you tried all the same.

Balem watched you, taking in your appearance as if this was his first time seeing you. You wore clothes that didn’t quite suit your beauty, something he found rather disappointing. And as much as he wanted to address your poor choice in attire, he opted for lighter conversation. Anything to regain your attention once more.

“Where were you?”

“The gardens.” You answered curtly, trying hard to keep your sights set on the elaborate table cloth. It was proving difficult though, because how could you ignore the aura of power around such a man. Every little movement of his was beckoning you to look, but in your current state you didn’t think you could handle such a thing.

“And what did you think of them?”

His attempts at polite conversation were nerve wracking, each sentence that left his lips making you curl back into your seat even more. It’s not that you didn’t enjoy the idea of them, but every part of you just wanted to take off running right now. You shifted in your seat, twiddling your thumbs as you rested your hands on the table. It was a minor distraction from him, not that it helped at all. It only made you realize how close you two were right now. His hand was only inches away, still clutching his glass as he rolled the stem of it between his fingers.

“They were beautiful.” You choked out, nerves becoming unsettled as he reached over you and grabbed some fruit from the bowl. The entire time you held your breath, heart beating madly in your chest when the very air around him swept by you. How one man caused you such excitement was disturbing, but you couldn’t let him know that. Because, no matter how you spun your words he would immediately shun your emotions. That much, you knew.

“Look at me.”

You stiffened at his demand, anxieties kicking in when you fully comprehended his words. It was only a matter of time before he realized how reluctant you were to even meet his gaze. But, that was the last thing you wanted to do. If only he knew what was racing through your mind, then he wouldn’t be asking such a thing of you. Looking into those eyes was a dangerous game to play, and if you didn’t avoid it something told you it’d be the end of you.

“My little dove.” Balem leaned over to you, eyes looking you up and down as if he was assessing your behavior. He imagined you were still angry with him, something he figured he could remedy later. But, your lack of interest in conversation was growing tiresome for him. Whatever your issues were, he had no attraction to them. He just yearned for your company, but this wasn’t it. There was a gentleness in you that was lacking, something that irked the Primary to no end. He longed for the woman who had that fire in her eyes, and right now this wasn’t you. So, he lifted his hand, gripping your chin gently and turning you to look at him. And just as your eyes met, the doors slid open, a single servant waltzing in with dinner. A true heaven-sent for you.

It offered a momentary distraction for Balem, and he sighed as he let you go and waved the girl on over. But, you hadn’t moved. Instead you found yourself staring at him, and in that moment it was like a crushing blow to your heart. Everything you tried to avoid was now before your eyes, and nothing was going to save you from it. All you knew, was that you had to get away and quickly. Because, staying here and dealing with your conflicting feelings for him would only hurt.

“I-” The words wouldn’t come out, your resolve slowly falling to pieces the more you took him in. It was true, you admitted to yourself. True, that his well being meant something to you now and having him perfectly fine in front of you made you elated. Yet, the reasoning behind that revelation was nothing that brought you joy. Only pain led down that road, and it wasn’t something you were eager to put up with. So, with all the courage you could muster you begged him for your release. Not only from this planet, but from the potential heartache of his rejections. “I want to go back to earth. Please…”

The servant was moving closer, tray in hand as she made to lay it on the table. But, you had chosen a poor time to convey your desires to him. Your words immediately took him by surprise, his eyes narrowing into threatening slits when he made to look at you again. This time you held his gaze, faltering only when he yelled his displeasure at the servant.

“Get out.”

She looked confused, barely able to place the tray down as he ordered her away. “My lord?”

“GET OUT!!!”

His voice made you both flinch, the serving girl taking the food and practically sprinting from his chambers. You, on the other hand, stayed put in your seat, meeting his icy glare.

“Balem-”

He slammed his wine glass onto the table top, cracking the edges of it as he seethed with rage. You had never seen him this way, not to this extent and it frightened you. Where all this anger came from, you didn’t know. But, he was not going to let you go lightly.

“You are never leaving this planet for as long as I live…”

His tone was cold, even, as if every word he said was a threat. It made you shiver in fear, eyes wide with worry as he leaned over until your noses were nearly touching.

“And I assure you, little bird-” The usual mirth in your pet name was now gone, and in its place was now a voice that sounded almost disappointed and rejected. “That could be for another thousand years.”

***

A/N: I know this was kind of a filler, but as always, a necessity to move my plot along. Hope you still enjoyed. And if you would be so kind, feedback welcomed. ❤️

#balem abrasax x reader #balem x reader #balem abrasax #balem #Balem x you #balem abrasax x you #jupiter ascending #eddie redmayne

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humanmawile · 7 years

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Tw: suicide, child abuse

Therapy was really hard today Aside from the ways in which I currently am, I never got to be a little girl. But I was a child. That childhood was confusing mostly. My mother was abusive. I never knew what to do to keep her satisfied and therefore feel safe. Then she divorced my dad as she should've. She never quite left tho. We still saw her regularly. But the point is that I've never really been on my own. More than that, I was neglected, misunderstood, bullied, etc. But most important of all, I was ignored. There's always been some else who needed more attention than me, more help. No one ever taught me how to have self confidence and everytime I did have it it was shat on or dropped or disproven every single time. At this point I expect to fail. Oh I can do something adequately sure, but I don't get acknowledgment for that. Me doing my best has never gotten me anything that I really valued. It's fear of scorn or worse that made me do my best. Not doing better than others meant I was treated as less than human. I was told "I should've done it right, you're better than this." But what if I'm not? Is that such a bad thing? A think a lot of this kept me from self exploration. And it makes me afraid of fucking everything. Afraid of getting it wrong. I only get one chance and I have to do better than others to be worth anything. And I feel very alone I'm finally able to get past the shame of getting help. I'm finally able to admit that I'm not good enough on my own... But now, nobody will help me Sure people have platitudes, they'll let me vent to them and have empathy and sympathy. But when the going gets tough in helping me, they buckle. I need too much to quickly I guess? I don't mean to overwhelm, I try not to. But somehow I always do. And when push comes to shove they deflect the work to somewhere else. Usually to a place or person that can't help me either. And they pity me. I hate the pity. Sometimes it's like drowning in front of someone and then saying "oh no I'm sorry you're going through this..." but I really just want to be pulled out of the water please. So I try it getting help from these outside sources. But instead of helping me get to what I need, they form a crisis plan. Trying to preserve me so I can live another miserable day alone. It's like as soon as a person considers not living anymore, their life and their choices are suddenly not theirs anymore. I'm forced to be thrown to the wind, left alone with nothing but my empty fucking soul. And people wonder why I don't like myself. Well for all my apparently good looks (lol), nobody wants to stick around. They all just... what? Assume I'm happy? "Oh she'll be alright. She just needs time." No I fucking don't! I need someone to stick around for once in my fucking life! I don't need time, time is killing me. I don't need fucking suicide prevention. I need some love and some care and some tenderness. I just need some help. Hold me. Remind me you love me. I forget cause I'm so fucking scared people will leave when they're done with me. Why do I have to do everything alone? Getting a job, doing work, school, love, everything. Is it so much to ask to be important enough to someone that they actually want to be with me? Why does everyone always leave? What is it about me that makes people just assume I'm someone else's responsibility or something like that? What do I have to do to get some consideration? I feel so alone, even just in my own head. Someone help me lift my burden. Please please. I feel like a lonely star. I see all the other stars but they're so far away. I'm just stuck here, wandering the cosmos forever. No companion to pair with. No planets to keep me company. My gravity isn't strong enough. Sometimes I feel like I don't even exist. It's like everyone just assumes I want to be alone. I may be an introvert but I really can't be totally alone. I don't want to live if all I'll ever be is alone. Like always, everyone else is more important. I just want to be important. I want to be shown I am. Words are nice but nothing becomes of them. I want someone who is there for me and I for them. Don't be hands off. I just need help. Idk what to do. I never know. Where are the people who love me? Where do they go? Why are they always gone when I need them most? Please help me I'm so alone and scared and confused Help Lift me up Care for me Don't leave me in the darkness once more I'm begging you

#personaltalk #suicide #child abuse

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todokori-kun · 7 years

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HEEEEYYYY I FINISHED FMA YESTERDAY

I’M NOT QUITE OVER GREED AND I DOUBT I EVER WILL BE

BUT EVERYBODY’S HAPPY

I’M SO GLAD

(and tiny Pride. It’s fun how he was like, almost the least sympathetic homunculus (I mean, most people can relate to just wanting to go back to sleep ok dad/mom, so even Sloth…lol), and yet he’s the only one who finds a ‘new life’.)

(only HOHENHEIM’S DEAD, my FMA twin is gone ;-; at least that moment with Trisha was beautiful)

I thought I’d cry with FMA’s ending because I did almost cry during the Ishvalan Civil War flashbacks, but…once again, my eyes were dry XD maybe because TG and AoT made me appreciate FMA’s happy ending more?

TYSM for recommending such a great series, Queen Luna <33333 I’m getting kinda emotional XD

UGH. Idek what book that is but I already hate it because of that line.

Hisoka, Hisoka. He’s like the unholy offspring of Furuta and Sebastian. I love it.

(nah, it’s fine,I don’t mind cursing ^^ thanks for asking though, that was sweet)

Yeah, Junior High is pretty cute :) well, it hasn’t been that long since she started learning cello so she’s still playing simple songs like 'mary had a little lamb’ ^^ she really wants to play more complex songs, though.

GAH SORRY I still haven’t started playing OTL I’ve just been a bit busy and had a lot to think about (because COLLEGE) so I kept forgetting…I’ll let you know when I finally start, sorry ;-;

If Urie/Saiko doesn’t become canon…ok, ok, I can deal with Touken, I can deal with that. HOWEVER. If Urie/Saiko doesn’t become canon and Urie/Mutsuki does, I don’t even know what I’ll do. ESPECIALLY IF ISHIDA MAKES URIE ABANDON SAIKO TO 'SAVE’ MUTSUKI OR SOMETHING OMG

I would never! I’m a nice, sweet cinnamon roll who doesn’t know the meaning of the word 'savage’!

If Kimblee actually took a liking to me I’d try to get him to stop blowing things up. Maybe find him a different hobby. But the sad truth is that there’s probably nothing and no one he likes enough to give up his explosions for XD

But you know how I have a cinnamon roll side and then a troll side? Troll!Evans and Kimblee might actually get along really well. Imagine the suffering…

0//////0 Queen Luna is also an amazing friend! Tysm for everything <333 (I say 'tysm’ a lot but then again, there’s no such thing as too many 'thank you’s? lol. Also, I love how 'Queen Luna’ was just a joke at first but now it’s like an actual nickname I use for you. I hardly ever call you just 'Luna’ anymore XD if we ever met irl I’d probably have a hard time calling you anything other than 'queen’)

Oh wow. Sebastian will fight you for the honor of his kitties

X-men is a seperate universe from MCU, though. (I don’t watch X-men so I’m not sure but I think they and MCU agreed to share the Pietro/Wanda twins?) X-men Pietro is a different character from MCU Pietro so our Pietro is still dead ;-;

Moblit and Evans would go on friendly coffee dates and rant about their crazy queens.

Luna/Armin would be so cute, seriously why do I ship you with so many characters…and idk what puberty will do to Armin(will he even survive to go through all of it? sorry) but the fanart of adult!Armin does look good :)

And wait, 15 cm taller than Levi? I’m maybe 3~5 cm taller than him (and I’m only 13 omg) so that makes you at least 10cm taller than me.

It’s really messed up, which means I’ve gotta draw it now XD

Congratulations with Kimblee might go something like this (warning: this is crack and I’m sorta abusing Kimblee's canon abilities, realistically it probably couldn’t go like this):

Shuu: “Mr. Kimblee?!”

Kimblee: “Tsukiyama…

Congratulations.”

*blows up the clock on Shuu’s desk*

“You have invented a new kind of stupid-”

*blows up a framed picture of Shuu and Naomi*

“A 'Damage You Can Never Undo’ kind of stupid-”

*sets fire to the carpet*

“An 'Open All the Cages in the Zoo’ kind of stupid-”

*destroys the entire hecking desk*

“A 'Clearly, You Didn’t Think This Through’ kind of stupid.”

*breaks the window nearest to Shuu*

And then, at the end-

Kimblee: “Every sacrifice you make is for my sister, give her the best life-

Congratulations. :)”

*entire house collapses around them*

So you’d contract Sebastian for chocolate?

(tbh I have a sweet tooth too. I’m sorta sensitive to taste so too many sweets at once makes me get sick of them quickly, but I really like them a little at a time (and I still almost never get sick of chocolate))

ty again for the beautiful edit <3

*hugs* thank you, that really means a lot to me.

But did you see the small Kaneki painting I sent you along with the other pics? Because I actually made that as a way to vent..splattering red blood paint all over the paper did help XD (drawing doesn’t always help, though. When I’m really angry I get the urge to raise my voice and say exactly what I’m thinking, only that’d be horrible so I try to keep it down..but that just makes me angrier LOL)

the left side feels more Kanae and the right side feels more Shuu, but either way, it looks really beautiful :D <3 (also that 'I miss you’ omg I’m getting Shuu/Kaneki feels NO)

(Also I hope the Uta edit I sent you was ok? It was like almost the first aesthetic thing I’ve ever done lol

About it, though: I don’t have a pinterest so I searched stuff like 'black and white aesthetic tumblr’ on google and used the pics that popped up…is that ok? Since I’m just downloading pictures I like and playing around with them on PhotoScape with no intention to post it on the internet or show it to anyone other than you? Idek how this works, I’m way too ignorant about the internet ;-;)

Oh, that sounds cool! I don’t listen to much Ed Sheeran but liked his song for the Hobbit ('I see Fire’? I think that’s what it’s called?) and because Shape of You just keeps playing in the manhwa cafe I go to to read manga, that song kinda got stuck in my head and I can’t stop listening to it XD I don’t listen to remixes a lot for no particular reason but some of them are really cool :)

I’m currently obsessed with Hurricane, Castle, Ghost and 100 Letters by Halsey, along with a bunch of Lana Del Rey songs (going to listen to her new album as soon as I can!), Melodrama (Lorde’s new album), and Young and Menace and Champions by Fall Out Boy…also songs from Steven Universe and Adventure Time, like Love Like You and Everything Stays. And all of FMA’s openings because WOW.

(And yeah, movie/anime soundtracks are always so cool <3)

Is... Is your heart okay? I know it’s a big emotional thing! Yeee, Greed’s death was a huge shock for me as well T^T WhY Did yOu HaVE tO saY GOodByE

The only thing that really shocked me was Ed giving up his alchemy. It honestly made for a bit of an unsatisfying end, like it’s trying to make way for a sequel (that never came)

Yep, I was expecting you to be not so happy with Hoenheim... Well, at least it’s a happy death? Not in battle, but with his beloved?

TG and AoT scar people for life. Kill of their emotions, so they’re unable to cry at sad things, bc nothing is sad in comparison to those two. Except for a few rare exceptions. Oh, did I ever tell you that I always, without a fail, cry when watching a specific Love Live episode? It’s about a character that I relate to a bit too much, and since it’s a sorta bittersweet character arc, I always end up crying. The music also gets to me. I could write in detail exactly what and why XD

No problem! If you ever want more recommendations, just say so! Even though I’ll probably recommend series without you asking :P

It’s called ‘Court of Thorns and Roses’. I mean, the writing style is more or less ok, and the premise is interesting at first glance, but then everything gets ruined by the author for not being able to create a flawed MC, cause they have to be perfect! I’ve read another one of the author’s books before, but dropped it halfway, again because on an annoying MC. The only reason why I finished this one is bc it was the only reading material available XD It’s also supposed to be a spin on Beauty and the Beast, but with fairies, but it was so badly done that I genuinely didn’t realize that until I read it somewhere on the internet. It’s also one of the rare series where I intentionally don’t read the sequels. The original book was that bad I’m getting way too emotional over the book XD

Hisoka is breaking my trash-o meter! It’s over 9000!

Ah, that’s a relief... I’ve definitely started cussing a lot lately, and I know it makes some people uncomfortable, so I wanted to ask ^^

Aw, that’s actually adorable! I hope she gets better at it soon ^^ I’ve always loved listening to string instruments...

Naaah, no worries! Take your time with it! It’s no rush, honestly! Do it at a time that’s convenient to you ^^ Seriously, please don’t feel pressured to play it >_<

Let’s be honest. The possibility of Urie sacrificing himself for Mutsuki is way bigger than Urie/Saiko becoming canon. I cry when I think about it, because we all know Urie would be so much happier with Saiko (*`д´*) Ishida, whyyyyy

Right, I totally believe that. Evans, a sweet, innocent cinnamon roll who doesn't get savage at moments. Sure. Because you totally didn’t set the Flame Alchemist on fire with a burn.

I’m afraid explosions are his one true love. Maybe you could get him to paint explosions instead of making them, though. Like, ‘Ok, Kimblee, here’s paper, some paint, go wild. Just don’t set the room on fire, please.’ He’d show his soft side around you only. If there was anyone else in the room, he’d be his usual self, but with you, in private, he’d probably be a tiny bit sweet. Sometimes. Troll!Evans and Kimblee would be the actual definition of ‘Prepare for trouble, make it double’. I’d probably run away screaming when you’d announce your relationship XD I’d congratulate you later, but still a bit weary when the two of you are together.

Fun fact: I almost blush every time I read the word Queen XD If I was someone who blushed easily, I’d be an actual tomato while reading your messages ^\\\^ I’d probably actually blush if we were walking around and you called me queen... And then bury myself into a hole forever XD

I’d be the person who’d just shrug her shoulders and be like ‘we all have our opinions’. Now that I think about it, I’d probably get on just fine with Ciel XD

Ah, I see. I just remember that there was a quicksilver in one of those movies, but I didn’t remember the details.

Hanji and I would simultaneously have the glimmering glasses moment XD The parallels between the duos are really similar :P

He! Will! Survive! He has too... We already had an almost death for him, and I don’t want an actual death to happen. The cinnamon roll doesn’t deserve it. The first time I saw the fan art, my reaction was. *stares at the screen* ‘well then’ I’d liked Armin from the beginning but this was the moment in which he was cemented as favorite character XD

Aw, Evans is smol for now! When I was 13, I was shortest in class, but now I’m among the tallest. Everyone is taller than Levi... That’s just sad XD But, hey, everyone in Cinderella Phenomenon (I will not shut up) is taller than you! In fact, you’re approx. the height of the MC! Cuuute

Well, my stomach totally doesn’t hurt from laughing too much XD That’s a very destructive version of Congratulations, that would probably end up with someone getting sued XD Shuu for emotional damage, Kimblee for blowing up a fucking house.

Unfortunately, not even chocolate can make me sign a contract with that trash can. Sorry Bassy, but you’re not getting my soul.

Aw, that’s a shame... There’s never enough sweets!

I’m glad you like it ^^

You could always yell into a pillow? Or punch the pillow if you’re feeling especially angry...

So, basically, I unintentionally made a Shuu/Kanae edit. I’m not even mad XD

Yeah, it was pretty good! If you want, I can pass you some advices my friend gave to me when I stared making the edits? The quote is very Uta, tho. I mean, he does revel in other’s tragedy...

Yes, of course it is! Find pics any way you want! I’m just using pinterest because it’s easier ^^;; A lot of really artsy pics are posted there, so I quickly find what I’m looking for ^^

Yep, I think it’s called that... Most of his songs on my playlist are from his new album, but some are older as well ^^ There’s this remix of Shape Of You. I listen to it waaay too much XD I found it in an AMV and was immediately like ‘I want this song’, so I downloaded it :P

FMA has some of the best openings and closings I’ve ever heard. My favorite is probably the first one, because it’s just so so amazing *^*

I live for the fantasy fight soundtracks. A few examples are from the anime Fate/Zero or Fate/Unlimited Blade Works, like This Day and Never Again, Unlimited Blade Works and You Are My King. Those would make a snail race look epic.

AAAALSO THE RAGNAROK TRAILER IS OOUT! I adored Loki’s moment XD ‘Surprise~ This is going to be so much fun’

#evans #submission

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