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whatifyoulivelikethat · 1 year

Text

don't hold hands, m | myg

pairing(s): yoongi x reader

summary: You're fucking your ex-boyfriend's ex-best friend. You also now own a condo with him and owning this condo has made you house-poor. Yeah, it's not the usual love story and it's not going to be one. Not until you paint the walls black, that is.

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; mostly conversations and feels tbh; minor smut (fem reader, marking / scratching, m-receiving oral, doggy, penetrative sex); non-idol!AU; guitarist!music producer!Yoongi x novelist!reader - fwb / roommates-to-lovers

just a story about two people who shouldn't fall in love falling in love, I have plenty of nasty smut so this is a different beat for ya lmao

“Is it fun being tortured?”

“Not really, no.”

It wasn’t fair to be this critical but, as long as you didn’t let these words travel outside this room, it was fine, right? At least, you kept telling yourself that. Delusion at its finest.

“It’s so stupid that people enjoy sticking their nose in drama that doesn’t involve them only because their lives are too boring to have any,” you sighed, tossing your phone across your desk, letting it skid into a pile of post-its covered in scrawled notes. “All because I deleted some photos.”

Notifications were now blocked.

“Some people mistake privilege with right.”

You glared at your phone even though the contents were the offender and not the device. Rolled your eyes, knowing you would be coming back to a shitstorm, but you couldn’t take it anymore. There had to be a limit. And the voice beside you had been telling you to put the damn thing down and stop deleting comments one by one, but the stubborn ram in you thought you could just headbutt through the bullshit.

And that imagery was gonna end there, thank you very much.

Your forehead found the palm of your hand and you sighed again, suddenly feeling the weight.

“I’m never doing that again.”

“You don’t have to.”

Minutes passed.

Silence never felt so serene.

Then it was cut through by steady, slow acoustic guitar, the notes drifting out from behind you. It almost made you feel more guilty. Almost. How fucked was that? You, sitting here right now, staring at nearly bare walls and a table covered in notes and your trusty laptop, almost feeling guilty for the guy that had backed out of the joint loan for this condo in the city that you didn’t even fuckin’ want, but you had been too far into the process to not lose a whole lotta money and too angry to let yourself lose.

How ironic, feeling guilty for the guy who cheated on you.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” was the guitar player’s response. “And you shouldn’t be either. For anything.”

You knew you shouldn’t apologize. It just felt like the thing to do, because you hadn’t been wholly right either and, even if you weren’t more in the wrong, you were still wrong, and wasn’t that fucked, putting levels of blame on a situation that, at the end of the day, was all said and done and left everybody bitter and full of scars.

The shitty part was everyone was on your case now and blaming you.

This was what you got for dating the lead singer of a punk band that skyrocketed to popularity on social media. Looked all elegant dark romance on TikTok and Instagram, just screaming and hate-fucking behind closed doors. Constant content to cover up the toxicity. And maybe it was your fault too, letting it get to your head that maybe you really were the beautiful, mysterious muse that the followers painted you out to be. You glossed over red flags – late nights, drugs and drinking, sleeping in rooms of girls that called themselves fans – all part of the industry. Nothing happened. Honest. But the greatest mistake was letting him tag you on Instagram. How cool was it that you were an author?

This bastard.

Not only had you given him some of your best quotes for his lyrics, but now you couldn’t publish those words as your own because this bastard would fuckin’ sue you for plagiarizing.

The guitar continued behind you, on the mattress on the floor.

So, not only were you getting crucified on social media at the moment because he had called you a backhanded bitch in his Instagram stories but also because you had deleted all photos of him on your profile and said fucking nothing. Silence to be polite and all that. He cheated on you, he was leaving you for some whore you had plenty of suspicions about, and, worst of all, he waited until you and him were finalizing the down payment for this expensive-ass-fuck high-rise condo – that money was out of your own pocket, not his, how convenient – and backed out of the loan for the mortgage. His reasoning?

You cheated on him first.

Hello?

With his former guitarist.

Hello?

Your ex-boyfriend had fired his former guitarist ages ago because you and him had gotten too friendly.

Alright, man.

You liked the guy, sure. Talked to him when he was in the studio and found you had a lot in common. Plus, he was crazy talented. Made most of the melodies, self-produced a lot of the songs for the band so they could save money, even contributed to lyric writing so they didn’t have to spend on that either. He even had a good voice, although sadly the band rarely used it. Your art of words paired with his knowledge of music made some viral hits. But then tensions rose between him and your ex when they started butting heads for no reason (there was a reason and it was ugly jealousy). Then arguments rose between you and your ex, but instead of breaking up, you buried yourself into writing your next novel to let the situation cool off.

Sigh, okay, call a spade a spade.

You were avoiding the confrontation.

He fired his guitarist and got a new one.

Then things were good.

Until they weren’t.

Of course, they weren’t. You didn’t solve shit, and he was fucking every girl that threw themselves at him behind your back. Good thing you had strict rules about condoms, otherwise you would probably have some lasting consequences right now. So, when the ground cracked and split apart from under you, what did you do?

Yup, this was the part that made you no better.

You found that former guitarist and fucked him.

Word travelled around. Word also travelled around that somehow you got someone to be part of that insane loan you got talked into. And, oh, shit, did things get messy once a certain someone knew who it was.

But here you were.

Feeling guilty.

You probably couldn’t publish for at least six months to a year because, harrowingly, your demographic was young adult – you had even relied on social media for self-marketing, fuck – and the half of a novel you had now had to be scrapped considering that so many of the quotes were now distressed in dark venues by the lips of an egomaniacal dick that you allowed into your pussy far too many times. Once was already too many.

Fuck.

You didn’t even want to live in the city.

It’ll be so much easier for me to get bigger opportunities. Don’t be a selfish bitch and only think about yourself.

You wanted to scream.

You wanted to throw your laptop into the wall and break it into smithereens, but you didn’t because this piece of technology was currently your only chance of making money. Fuck. Me. Always talking about himself like he was only important member of the band, even though it was the other guys who wrote most of the music and lyrics. No one sided with you, obviously. This was their job and technically not their romance. They were sympathetic but not empathetic to the point of jeopardizing their jobs. Obviously, you hadn’t signed any contracts for royalties or credit. This was supposed to be your soulmate.

Soulmates weren’t so generous to give you pennies.

You’re being greedy and self-important. Oh, so you’re only in the relationship for the money? I’ll give you money once we make it big. Once we get it all, I’ll buy you everything you want. But you gotta help me out now. We’re starving artists, ya know?

You should have asked your parents for monetary help, but you didn’t. Your pride didn’t want to hear the told-you-so speeches for dating a guy they didn’t choose for you. You also didn’t want the arranged marriage appointments back in your life either.

So.

Trapped in white walls, post-its of false starts, and impending doom.

Dramatic, but you were a writer.

“Come here and sit down with me.”

Some part of you didn’t want to face him. It was really dumb. He was your new roommate now. You were fucking him when you were too sad to avoid it, and it was pretty obvious he knew. You were living off his money. Sure, he only paid for half the rent but then food mysteriously appeared in the fridge, bathroom necessities were stocked when they were running low, cleaning supplies neatly sorted into the closet, and all that other shit. None of that wholesale stuff either, but the nicer things normal households could afford.

It wasn’t an exaggeration that you cried into the soap during your shower last night.

All because you finally acknowledged it wasn’t one of those shitty bars that made skin feel like plastic but actually fragrant lathering liquid that you could put on the dense, not-falling-apart-in-one-use loofah that you hadn’t bought. You would have been satisfied with cutting coupons and living on the dregs of the bare minimum, but someone cared enough to not let you do that, and you currently couldn’t do anything to contribute and probably couldn’t for a while.

And that made you feel undeserving.

Maybe you were only fucking him because that was all you could offer.

Pathetic.

The guitarist called your name softly.

Like a beaten dog, you got up and sat down beside Min Yoongi.

He continued to play a melody you didn’t know on his black acoustic guitar. He hadn’t moved in all his instruments and equipment yet. You had told him he could have the whole living room for his studio. He had asked if you were sure and you responded that you were sure that you weren’t going to have anybody over ever so, unless he wanted a living room space, you didn’t want one.

“Shit always happens, you know,” the deep voice reminded you.

“This happening was of my own doing and now I’ve ruined my own life,” you muttered, bitter over a boy and hating that you were bitter over a boy.

A small chuckle. “You have to admit you had help.”

Stupid boy.

“Can’t be helped. Humans are animals of regret.”

It stung to regret.

The guitar playing stopped and now you were met with silence.

Don’t cry.

But it was so tiring to be angry. So easy to be sad. So easy to think, my fault, for being swept up in what he was but not who he was, for believing that you knew what was best when clearly it wasn’t, for being spiteful on purpose. For avoiding looking at Yoongi in the face because you were too ashamed to acknowledge what was going on here.

For being too afraid to ask what he thought of it.

“I regretted not stealing you from him sooner. Thought you were too fuckable for that loser from the first day we met.”

A strange feeling.

Skin prickling, glancing the that pale hand of graceful, callused fingers simply resting on the neck of that guitar, not looking at Yoongi’s face even though you knew it quite well in profile.

“That’s one way to make me feel better,” you replied.

“I’m not trying to make you feel better. Just being honest,” he replied, tapping his fingertips on the wood. “You are ten times too talented and a hundred times too pretty for a guy like that.”

You twitched. “Are you shitting on my standards?”

“Back then? Yeah, I am.” A calm hum, setting aside his guitar and placing his elbows on his sweatpants-covered knees, charcoal gray and worn. “Pretty clear you went full desperado for a guy that didn’t deserve it. Also, he ain’t hot shit like he thinks he is.”

Ow and what the fuck. “Fuck off.”

You felt movement and tracked his hand raising, spinning a finger around his temple. A brief glance and the details sank in. Long, windswept black waves, light cream skin, pointed gaze directed forward and not at you, pensive slight frown of pink lips. You looked away again, past his loose white t-shirt and to your hands.

You used to be proud of them.

They used to be able to type prose like no other.

Now they were twisted in an oversized, olive-green sweatshirt that you picked up from the sale bin of the convenience store for dirt cheap and they didn’t write jack shit.

You also hated olive-green.

Nothing personal. It just wasn’t your color.

“You’re a psycho bitch to put up with him,” Yoongi commented.

He wasn’t wrong. “I’m a psycho bitch all the time.”

“Yeah, and I don’t date crazy.”

You thought you would feel insulted, but you were past the point of caring. Also, there was something about the way his calm voice said it. Like he knew what he was doing. Huh. That was a silly thing to think. Of course, Yoongi knew what he was doing. He did it. He let you in his studio when you tracked it down and camped out until he showed up. He had listened to your psychobabble and didn’t back away when you pinned him to the wall.

This wasn’t dating.

“At least, I thought I didn’t,” Yoongi added, not touching you.

He fucked you too. He wasn’t a starfish in bed, that was for sure.

“I wanted to get back at him too, you know,” that deep, hazy voice murmured beside you. “That bastard turned my friends against me, stole my mixes, and cut out all my connections. Made me start from the ground up, alone.”

Yeah, you did know that. You helped badmouth Yoongi. In the name of love.

Shit.

“Sorry.”

“You’re not sorry.”

Ouch.

“And you shouldn’t be, ‘cause what’s done is done and being sorry isn’t going to change anything.”

You untwisted your hands from each other, realizing your knuckles were white from anxiousness, and relaxed them on your bare knees. Best you could, anyway.

“Yeah,” was the best response you had. This fucking boy ruined your life and stole your eloquence too, apparently. Motherfucker. “You’re right.”

Neither you or Yoongi said anything.

Minutes passed.

Another night in the condo and both of you were sitting on a mattress with a single blanket, deflated pillows, and a box of condoms on the floor.

You touched his forearm the same time his hand moved to grip your thigh.

And then it was the don’t-look-him-in-the-eyes challenge, and he was doing the exact same thing, eyes averted, black hair over them, lips grazing your jaw. Breath against your ear. Hot. His neck under your lips, flexed, fair skin with remnants of bruises, and your teeth sank in, making new ones, listening to his hiss and feeling his hands slide under your sweatshirt. Weighted palms and blunt nails. Digging in.

“Harder.”

He scratched you up as you climbed into his lap, tasting flesh.

Those firm hands gripped your hips and forced them down. Grinding. Softness to growing hardness, unhooking your bra, hands all over like you had lost your mind, your thighs squeezing his sides, yanking his shirt collar down and licking up his collarbone, dripping spit, shivering as you saw it glisten over his marred skin.

Clothes coming off, thrown aside. Guitar sliding to the hardwood floor as bodies tumbled. Your hands on his chest, your hard nipples pressed into the sheets as Yoongi slipped his hand into your hair and shoved your head down. Mouth open, tongue curling around. Moan striking the air, echoing in the nothingness.

Hard, hot, now wet.

Up, down, hitting the back of your throat, unable to choke in the adrenaline of lust, in need, in desire for pain, rubbing your tongue all over as Yoongi face-fucked you hard and fast, thick cock swelling in your mouth, your lips grazing the swollen head and making him shudder, saliva slipping down your chin that was smacking into his balls.

Was it shameful that you were good at it?

Sex solved nothing but you sure had a lot of it as if it did.

A sharp gasp and salty cum filled your throat, drinking, swallowing with effort and the burning sensation of your locked jaw, maintaining the soft tightness. Tongue tracing the contours, keeping him hard, hearing the rip of a foil packet above your head.

You hadn’t even realized that Yoongi had let go of your hair, letting you lick him all over at your own pace.

“What position?” Yoongi panted, husky and breathless in the mostly empty bedroom.

Mattress, chair, desk, laptop. Oh, and guitar.

Bodies on the floor.

You didn’t say anything.

You just turned around and slid down, elbows on the bed, knees spread, ass up.

“Alright then.”

You bit your lower lip.

You almost turned your head, almost looked back, just to check, right, just to check he was okay with it, and then strong hands gripped your hips, lifting them, sliding in, condom on and stretching you out right away, his knees pushing your knees apart and forcing you to arch your back for the angle.

No chance to look back.

You gasped, gripping the sheets, blinded by pleasure and the fading resonance of pain.

Hard.

Deep.

You pushing back, deep not deep enough, hitting your preferred depth and letting your eyelids flutter, veins burning with the repeated ecstasy. One of your hands lifted and reached back, squeezing his hand on your hip, and the grip became tighter, fingertips digging in, smacking his hips into your ass, and your body threatened to throw him back, carnal power meeting his every thrust, clenching around his hard length, and you could hear Yoongi growl your name, low and deep and voracious.

Somehow, his name fell from your lips too.

Rough and sinful, no better than an animal.

His nails dug into your back and dragged down, burning lines into your skin.

Your head tipped back and you moaned, a clear, shameless sound that would become familiar to this ceiling. Pooling wildfire, tightening muscles, wasted nectar sticky between joined thighs, surge after shivering surge of orgasmic apex stinging your veins as you barely registered Yoongi’s shudder and blissful groan, feeling the pulse inside you made than hearing the sound.

The rush of blood roaring in your ears was far too loud for you to hear anything.

Your face felt hot, so hot.

Gripping the sheets, twisting them, pulling them off the edge of the bed.

This moment.

Very few things were as intense and exigent as an orgasm. Fleeting, but a violently memorable. Pure nothingness of soaring high. You chased it. Again. And again. And again, your fingers tangled in Yoongi’s dark hair, pulling it over his face but he didn’t look at you anyway, eyes closed and teeth trapping his lower lip, breath trapped in his chest, driving his hips into yours again and again.

You both kept going until the limits were reached.

The darkness willingly swallowed you up.

Min Yoongi always considered himself a rational person, which was precisely why he found himself entangled in the break-up between his former best friend and the only woman he ever considered committing a felony for.

Yeah.

He also didn’t believe in love at first sight.

She was still way too hot for that idiot though.

His eyes could communicate well enough with his dick. The short skirt and exposed thighs didn’t really help either. Still, Yoongi had let it be. Respect was keeping his distance despite racing heartbeat and keeping calm despite shaking hands. He got used to it once the late-night talks about music and wordplay became a regular thing. Sometimes they talked about general life and were surprised on how well they aligned. Still, she never spoke poorly about her then-boyfriend even though there was plenty to talk about.

Scorched earth was their sacred ground.

It was painful to witness.

Yoongi regretted valuing the friendship, mostly because it didn’t mean jack shit at the end of the day. He regretted believing in the elegant, age-old saying.

Bros before hoes.

Tch.

But mostly, Yoongi regretted pretending like nothing was wrong.

He would see the pain in her expression and not say anything. Watch her pack it all away and greet him with warmth that he didn’t deserve because he had a racing heart and shaking hands every time they met. He would watch his former best friend disappear into hotel rooms without explanation and Yoongi knew damn well it wasn’t right, but he kept his mouth shut because he was a coward, something he figured out later.

He could have washed his hands clean of that shitshow, but instead his hands had held her shaking shoulders and watched her struggle not to cry on that cold night.

Yoongi considered himself a rational person, but never a good one.

Too many ways to judge, and her lips had already connected with his as soon as his shoulder blades hit the wall. He didn’t stop it. Maybe it was bitterness. Vengeance. Hate.

No, it wasn’t any of that, actually.

He didn’t know exactly what but, in that moment, Yoongi knew that he would murder that asshole if he saw his former best friend’s face right then, ready to commit a felony all because those beautiful eyes couldn’t look at him, closing instead to blink back the tears that bastard didn’t deserve.

That meant something, all right.

He knew it could take a long time. He knew it would almost certainly be hopeless. He knew he would probably end up with a broken heart and broke as hell. He knew it was a bad idea and he knew it was going to tear him up, this spiral, but when he found himself looking up to the ceilings of these mostly empty rooms, this condo he now half-owed with the woman that was formerly his best friend’s girlfriend, and Yoongi found he didn’t know and he didn’t care what the future held.

She had trouble sleeping.

Less trouble after exhausting themselves.

He had trouble sleeping too, but that was because he was staring at the ceiling and wondering just how rational he really was. One hand behind his head, under the pillow. The other resting on the blanket, on the curve of her hip, feeling the steady hum of her breathing.

She never cried in front of him.

He knew she did cry, because he heard her in the bathroom sometimes. But never in front of him. Showed anger, yes, but never acted helpless even though it was perfectly reasonable to feel that way after everything that happened. Living on the least for his sake, even to the point of skipping meals and spending all her time trying to write, trying to get back to her livelihood, trying to get past all the false starts. Personally, Yoongi felt that she should give up for now and heal herself, but he also knew how it felt to feel stubborn and useless.

Hah.

It was weird, being so close and yet so far away.

He felt it most in the nighttime, even though that was when he was closest to her.

He was never going to be the same. He knew that. He already wasn’t, surprising himself with his own recklessness, and for what? He didn’t even know what she was capable of reciprocating after receiving all those scars. Didn’t even know if he was the right one, if he was better or worse, if…

If he was believing in something that wasn’t there.

Yoongi closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Livid.

It was weird. Feeling it. In the past, you buried it, numb, and promptly lived in delusion. But now you could feel it. What was more, you let yourself feel it. There wasn’t anything to stop you except for the occasional mental peanut gallery of you’re a bad person if you feel jealousy, but anger could overtake anything if you let it.

You stared at the scene before you, several meters away.

Seething.

It felt good.

Mostly because it was honest.

It surprised you. You hadn’t expected to feel anything. Sad, maybe. You had already been cheated on, so naturally you assumed the cycle would begin anew, just with less promises and in the gray area of uncertainty. But, no, instead of being distraught and delusional, you felt maddeningly, viciously, nearly on-the-edge of making a fist and dislocating Min Yoongi’s jaw from his skull because he was speaking to a female-presenting human at the entrance of the building that housed his and others’ music studios.

Did you lack context? Yes.

Would that get you arrested? Yeah, probably.

Would that probably not get your laid anymore and label you as an unhinged psychopath? Without a doubt.

But would it feel good?

Don’t know.

You had never punched someone before, although maybe you should have practiced on your ex-boyfriend. He was probably a more deserving candidate. In any case, you remained frozen in perplexation at your willingness for violence because you were pretty sure your… relations… with Yoongi were nothing more than a lonely bitch and a spiteful silver tongue executing revenge, so the amount of fucks you should give about Yoongi speaking to any human being – other than the obvious health and safety precautions – should be zero.

None.

Basket of fucks empty.

And yet.

Clearly wasn’t since you were mentally calculating the angle and force for jaw dislocation while having zero experience in doing so. In any sort of non-virtual manner, that is.

Hm.

Your hands were firmly in the pockets of your black cargo pants. The hip ones, although you had plenty of choice. You kept them there for the safety of passerby or, maybe deep down, yourself. This caused your jacket to fall open, the outlines of the sew-on patches and thick, bunched-up black denim crowding the space between your forearm and waist, your black cropped tank exposed to the chill evening air. You used to wear a plethora of band t-shirts, but, well, those were probably in a landfill or rotting in a secondhand shop.

You figured you would be cold. Unsurprisingly, the anger kept you warm.

Huh.

You thought about turning around and just straight up leaving, petty and picturesque of course, and then Yoongi seemed to sense your projected violence, looking up from the conversation. Dark waves over his cheeks, striking body line, backing away, hiding his eyes for a moment, not that you could see them that well from this distance. You twitched.

The girl reached out.

Yoongi simply bowed, out of reach, and pushed the glass door open.

Honestly, her role in this moment was so miniscule that you completely ignored whatever she did or possibly could have said to Yoongi’s retreating back. Sharpened gaze, and then he crossed the street with the crowd, walking past oblivious bystanders who may or may not become the harrowed audience of the next thirty seconds.

He stopped before you. Bomber jacket, white shirt, black track pants. Monochrome elegance.

You looked up at him, saying nothing.

Over one shoulder was his usual guitar bag that held said instrument and his yellow notepad sticking out of the pocket. He used it to jot down whatever came to him. You almost said something. Almost. Then you remembered that if this, this between you and Min Yoongi, if this was supposed to be nothing, then weren’t you supposed to do nothing but voice your casual annoyance for making you wait rather than, well.

Admit insecurity?

You looked away quickly.

No, it did not matter how reasonable it was, you didn’t like knowing that somehow you had been weakened by an ex-boyfriend, barely a man, no, a mere locust at best, so it was better to not say anything and accept that this was–

“Sorry, I got caught up with the staff about ending my lease.”

Compromised.

You didn’t look at him. “What?”

“Gonna end my lease this month and move my studio stuff to the condo. I can’t afford both.”

He had told you this already. It had been your idea. You already knew you were overreacting to a situation that you created in your head rather than reality. And, yet, the best your mind would allow was uh huh, a plausible explanation, sarcasm included.

“Ah. Right,” was your sharp, mildly frigid reply.

“I can’t read your mind.”

Do you intend to be exhausting?

Your mental peanut gallery was super annoying.

You breathed in. Cool, crisp air. The sound of cars and people bustling in and out of stores. You breathed in again. Did you really intend to be exhausting, irrational, and, worst of all, dishonest? Really, after all that had happened? After getting here, standing here, arriving to pick up Yoongi at his request to do the grocery shopping together?

You turned back to look right into black-brown, piercing orbs.

“I just realized that I have the ability to be jealous,” you exhaled, draining your lungs. “It’s unpleasant and not nearly as delightfully pivotal as the media makes it out to be.”

Something fluttered in those orbs.

Or maybe it was the wind catching his bangs, drifting black strands over his eyes shadowed by dark circles.

Yoongi half-smiled.

“Makes for good songwriting material though.”

There was an air of helplessness to his words. A tone you couldn’t define, except for the understanding, which left you both baffled and with a sense of guilt. There were emotions in that barely-there smirk on those familiar lips. Relief. Maybe a slight bit of shame. A shadow of guilt too. You realized people were glancing at you and him as they walked past, wondering why you both were at a standstill on the sidewalk. Yoongi seemed to not notice them or care.

You pulled your hands out of your pockets.

“Come on. We should go before it gets dark.”

Before you noticed it, your hand was rising.

You pulled it back, but not fast enough.

Yoongi’s free hand reached out and grasped around yours, strong fingers enclosing. Sliding up, calluses on your palm. Your hand lowered, slowly, your eyes moving in the opposite direction. Lips parting. His hand was colder than yours.

You stared at Yoongi.

He looked back, expression unreadable.

“I don’t hold hands,” you said, suddenly breathless.

You tightened your grip.

“Neither do I,” Yoongi replied, taking a step, on the cusp of walking past you, his hand around yours. “I simply just don’t like the idea of yours getting cold when I can do something about it.”

Previously, when you held hands, it was always with a purpose of showing public affection. The look-how-real-this-is-because-there-are-clear-witnesses show. Front row tickets nobody asked for. But this.

This.

You blinked hard and the sting was inside.

The sting of wasted time.

Your name in that raspy, soft voice. Familiar. You looked up, not saying anything and hoping the eye contact was enough. All Yoongi did was smile lightly and tug your hand.

“Let’s get take-out and shop tomorrow. We have plenty of time to eat healthier.”

“You can cry in front of me.”

Min Yoongi heard her breath hitch and still.

Seconds that felt like hours ticked by. It was the dead of night. Or maybe one could call it the time when honesty came to life, if the conditions were right. He knew this time well usually with a drink in his hand, but this time he was laying on his side with bruises of bites and carnal memories lingering on his fingertips.

“I wasn’t crying.”

Her voice was thick and strained from trying to keep it even. Her moment of jealousy had happened days ago. He had recognized it right away. Call it personal experience. He also recognized that she didn’t like to feel that way. It was obvious from her torn yet furious expression. It confirmed a lot of things for him. Still, she seemed pleased to help him move and set up his things in the bedroom. They found the living room to be a bit too echoey due to the large space so they switched the two, pulling the mattress to the living room and setting up his equipment in the center of what was formerly the bedroom.

He told her to paint the condo.

She had mentioned in passing that someday she would like to paint her entire living space black. Not this place, because he owned it too, and you probably think I’m crazy for wanting a dark space, huh, Yoongi? He asked her, why wait? No one lives forever. We’re just passing through.

She had given him a weird look.

We own this condo. Paint it.

There were cans of black paint waiting.

Yoongi had intended to go visit his family over the weekend. His parents and his brother who had recently been promoted to head chef at the classy restaurant he worked at. Someone in the family needed to have prestige. Well, that was his own personal feeling. Surprisingly at this point his parents had even up on telling him to get a higher-paying job. They told him to simply be happy.

And get married.

Yeah, about that.

He was still trying to get used to the music producer thing, for fuck’s sake.

“Are you afraid I won’t understand?” Yoongi let himself say, not turning around yet.

Sometimes, people didn’t want you to see them weak. He could understand that.

Call it personal experience.

A shuddering sigh. Deep breaths. Words bogged down, drained.

“I can only be so pathetic before I lose my mind recalling the past,” she mumbled. He felt her weight deepen on her side of the bed, as if she was trying to melt into the mattress. “I made things hard for myself. For you. It’s pointless to cry about it anyway. In the end, it only makes me look ungrateful.”

Yoongi thought about it.

“It’s true that you probably shouldn’t have involved me.”

He shifted, laying on his back now.

“But I’m not a good person either. I agreed, after all,” he murmured, his skin tingling with bruises and carnal memories. “Hm, to be honest, he was always a dick though, from high school till now. Always will be, I fear.”

“You’re easygoing enough not to be affected by his asshole behavior.”

“Not my job to change people. I leave that to parents and clueless fools.”

A pensive silence. Surprisingly not an irritated one. She seemed to accept it.

“Why did you become his friend?” she asked, staring at the ceiling with him.

“We just happened to like the same thing. Music.”

“I’m lucky you decided to become his friend.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment. Then, “I’m lucky that somehow he managed to bamboozle a hot and clever girl, two things he’s obviously not.”

She almost laughed. Almost.

“Who the fuck uses the word bamboozle?”

“You had to admit you were bamboozled, because you sure as hell weren’t dick-drunk.”

“Oh? You think you’re that good, huh?”

“No, I just know he’s that much worse.”

The faintest of chuckles.

“You… You get better every time,” she admitted. “I think I just caught you off guard the first time.”

“Firstly, I don’t like wasting time and, secondly, I had given up for a while before…” I met you. “Romance seemed like an expensive, worthless distraction when I could be using that time and money trying to push the band forward,” he pivoted, running a hand through his hair to push it out of his eyes. “Then that went to shit.”

“Sorry.”

Automatic.

He chuckled darkly. “I’m confident I got the better deal.”

A trembling pause.

“Why do you think that?”

He reached over and placed his palm on the top of her head, lacing his fingers in her hair. Messing it up.

“Tell me the truth. Was he good at sex?”

A burst of laughter. “Really? Alright. No, he wasn’t. He sucked. Thought he was a piston of a muscle car instead of a human being. Oh, and once he fell asleep on top of me.”

He cocked an eyebrow. Turned his head and forced hers to turn as well.

She was smiling.

Yoongi found his chest tight and breath shallow.

“And you didn’t leave him then… why?” he pressed.

She winced, albeit playfully. “I yelled at him. A lot. I don’t know, maybe he was tired.”

“Not an excuse.”

“I know, I know…” Sigh. “I… I didn’t want to believe I made the wrong choice.” Her eyes shifted, but her body was still turned to face his. “I… It made my entire family angry, dating him. Especially my parents. They would never forgive me and hold it over my head forever. I had to make it work. I thought, if only I worked hard enough…” Another heavy breath, squeezing her eyes tightly. “I know it was pride, but I wanted to prove to them and myself that I could do anything. Bad choices? Maybe. But they were mine. I don’t want my life decided by what is best for me. If I suffer for it, those are my consequences.”

Her eyes opened, but barely.

Yoongi kept his hand on her head, running his fingers through her hair.

“I… I feel like shit because now you’re stuck in my mistakes,” she breathed.

He liked to touch her hair. It felt comforting.

“You know what your problem is?”

She glared under lashes and dared him.

Undeterred, he continued. “You blame yourself for shit that hasn’t even happened.”

A disapproving frown. “Hah?”

He tapped her forehead. “You think it’ll bother me if you cry, but what truly bothers me is that you cry alone.” Pushed back the strands, and now he was closer, sharing breath. “You think I’m stuck in your mistakes. Mistakes don’t inherently have only negative consequences. They almost always exist in a gray area.”

“I... I know that,” she grumbled, face against his chest.

“I did say you were clever.”

A drifting, drowsy silence.

“I’m not clever,” she whispered to his skin, pulling her body closer. “I just like you.”

Yoongi felt himself losing to sleep.

“I’ve always liked you, since the moment I saw you,” he muttered into her hair, breathing in the familiar scent, so quietly that he wasn’t sure if he said it at all.

“Ah? Yes? Sorry about that. Oh, yes, uh, I’m painting. Everything. Yes, I’ll be sure the keep the windows open. Thank you.”

You closed the front door of the condo. Well. You had expected nervousness, but somehow the conversation between you and the downstairs neighbor had been very calm. Apparently, he worked from home and wasn’t expecting the loud crash of the ladder from your unit.

In your defense, you hadn’t expected it either.

Thankfully, you hadn’t been on the ladder, only trying to figure out how to set it up. It was one of those compact ones that saved space but required some innovative thinking to get the taller height you needed. One crash and a YouTube video later, the ladder was now secure, and then came the knock on the front door.

The thoughts flew by – I don’t belong here, I can’t do this alone, they’re going to scold me and I haven’t even done the upper half yet – but the guy just seemed curious and confused. Didn’t even comment on your awkward outfit of navy boys’ basketball shorts and ill-fitted gray sports bra. Both on super sale. You were still wearing your bra because of the incorrect size, so the gray blob was bordering on ugly-ass tank top.

Look.

Some people had clothing they didn’t care about to paint in and some people had to dive in sale bins because they left behind most of their wardrobe and, with the clothes, their bad memories.

That was the intent.

Things rarely go as intended.

For instance, you thought you were going to feel imposter syndrome for a neighbor knowing that you were painting your own goddamn walls. You turned away from the door after you locked it, frowning. That’s right. Like it or not, bad decisions and minus an ex-boyfriend later, these were your walls. You looked up, out the large, floor-to-ceiling living room windows, and saw the sunlight sparkle over the sprawling city, walls painted half-black and half white surrounding you, and you could say that you never wanted to be here, but.

It was a sick view.

We own this condo. Paint it.

Your muscles were sore from the repeated swiping motion of the paint roller, but there was still this inexplicable energy coursing through you.

“What if it doesn’t look good?” you had asked Yoongi.

He had shrugged. “Then we paint it again.”

“It’ll be dark.”

“Wow, really? I thought black was supposed to be bright and cheerful,” was the sarcastic quip. “Just believe you have good taste and paint the damn walls.”

This condo was an investment that made you poor.

That was the truth you needed to face.

You have good taste.

You scrunched your face slightly as you remembered Yoongi’s facial expression. Was he… praising you or himself? You squinted. This guy. Picked up the paint roller again and saturated it with ink black, making crispy crinkly sounds as you shuffled over the plastic. Good taste. Well, that was relative, wasn’t it? Everything was at the end of the day. You climbed onto the ladder and began the repetitive, monotone motion once more but at a higher elevation. You should have put your music back on. Your phone was on the plastic-covered mattress and you were not about to go back down until you finished this section or ran out of paint. This was going to be a long process, but you had several days and too much time as Yoongi had already left to visit his family.

Now you were alone with a lot of paint and mind-numbing fumes.

Shit, you should have opened the window.

You would have to paint a second coat anyway. Who cared if the first coat was shitty?

Sigh.

Climbing down and doing your due diligence before returning to your post.

You had forgotten once again to put your music back on. Hah. Well, that was fine; you had yourself. You didn’t mind being alone. Heh, sometimes it was better to be alone. You continued rolling away, hardworking in the consistent rhythm. Thinking about it now, this might have been the first time in a long time that you were okay with being alone. Before, you had felt guilty whenever you weren’t thinking about your relationship. Huh. Odd. Was it some kind of mental self-reassurance when you knew something was off? It was hard to tell, but possible.

Everything was off about that relationship. You just had too much pride to admit it.

You sighed, climbing back down to reload.

Wait a second. Was this why there was that wider step towards the top of the ladder? You poured some more paint in the tray and carried it up with you. Oh shit. Wow. Innovation. You coughed and went back to a different patch of wall. No one saw that. See, perks of being alone.

Well, you didn’t hate Yoongi being here.

You stopped painting.

You didn’t just think that.

You went back to painting. Shut up, nagging feeling. You furiously painted on, ignoring your soreness, telling that little voice in your head to shut up, because there were plenty of reasons not to think stuff like that. Firstly, you weren’t ready to think stuff like that. And what if it was only hopeful transference rather than genuine feeling? Asshole or not, your ex-boyfriend’s betrayal of trust was not something so easily overcome. It wasn’t fair to Yoongi either, pretending to like him if you weren’t sure.

You liked Yoongi before you broke up, too.

Wasn’t that fucked up?

You sighed and came back down, careful to scoot the ladder without spilling and causing a mess. Back up and at it. Of course, it was fucked up. And you knew it was, which might have been why you let it get that bad. Might? Was why you let it get that bad. Two hypocrites were meant for each other. You huffed, puffing your cheeks. It wasn’t enough to hold the ticking grenade; you had needed confirmation it was a, in fact, a bomb.

Maybe even hoping it would end you.

It didn’t.

For some reason, you thought Yoongi could see that in you.

Damn, he’s really living in your system, hm?

You frowned.

Your phone rang.

You almost jumped, startled at the sudden sound of an old song you used to enjoy. Back when you were a teenager, and the memories came back as you climbed down. A kid who just really liked rock’n’roll, and parents who did not, but that kid didn’t care, annoyingly setting it as her ringtone on her shitty flip phone. Couldn’t you be her again? Before you had time to ponder, you checked your hands for paint and picked up your phone, answering it.

“Hello?”

“Did you eat?”

You blinked, sitting down on the crinkly plastic upon hearing that deep, raspy voice. “Uh, no. I was gonna stop by the convenience store when the first coat was done.”

“No, you weren’t. You were gonna skip a meal,” Min Yoongi tutted. “Because you don’t want to be a nuisance and use the money I had left you.”

Damn. He knew you, all right.

“If I forget, I forget,” you grumbled.

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, pick up the food order from the front desk when it comes. They told me about thirty minutes.”

“You don’t have to order food for me. I’m not a kid,” you hissed.

“It’s the pho spot you like and if I don’t put food in front of you, you won’t eat. You intend to do all that hard work without some fuel?” A pause. You made a disapproving noise. “And I know you’re not a kid. By the way, what’s your waist measurement?”

You remained a grump. “Why?”

“I’m here, so I’m going to buy you some clothes.”

“Don’t buy me clothes. Don’t spend money–”

“You need things,” Yoongi cut you off. “Unless you want to come with me? You don’t trust me?”

“That’s not it and you know it,” you snapped back. “It’s not worth–”

“Of course, it isn’t. It’s vain and silly and superficial. And I’m still going to buy you things, so tell me your waist measurement.”

“Yoongi, this is your hard-earned money,” you puffed out, exasperated.

“Yeah, and I make money to provide you with a good life because I think you are the most important person to me. So, do you want me to guess with my hands or are you going to meet me halfway?”

Dead silence.

He called your name, softly.

You told him in centimeters.

“Got it. Don’t forget to check the front desk in thirty minutes.”

“I love you.”

His hair was stuck to his face due to sweat. “What?”

“I said I love you,” she said, staring right at him, their chests shuddering from exertion.

Yoongi couldn’t believe it, but also he wasn’t surprised. The room still smelled faintly like paint. The windows still had no curtains or blinds. They were still fucking on the mattress in the center of the living room and he was holding the used condom when she said I love you.

The walls and ceiling were all black, covering them in darkness as the city below glimmered with light.

“I love you,” was his reply.

It startled him, the suddenness of his response. He knew he did. Of course, he did, and he turned away quickly, making his way to the kitchen and throwing away the condom, skin tingling, cheeks aflame, and he was startled by the feeling that remained. He hadn’t expected those words to come out of her mouth even though he was sure of his own feelings. Yoongi had resigned himself to not hear it from her lips. He also didn’t need to hear it to know that it was true.

He saw her head to the bathroom.

Time was funny sometimes.

Suddenly they were both staring at each other on the mattress, the usual ritual completed, and the moment suspended.

“You didn’t have to say it,” he finally said. “For my sake.”

“I didn’t.” Her hair curled over her shoulder, caressing her curves. “I said it for my sake.”

Blankets and pillows and questions.

“I wondered about the validity of it,” she admitted to him. “Been wrong before and all that. Might still be wrong. So, I said it just to see if I regretted it.”

“Ah.”

They stared into each other’s eyes.

“Do you?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No.”

He half-smiled. How very simple yet complicated. He understood. “All the paint fumes really got to your head, huh?”

She looked up at him and he realized with a start that she, too, was half-smiling.

He reached out, smoothing her hair.

“You have a pretty face, Yoongi,” she teased, eyes sparkling.

He raised an eyebrow.

“I thought it would be too cliché, you and me,” she continued and the tone was different now, softer and more serious. “I thought you would get tired.”

She meant, of me.

He had thought this was cliché too. Cliché didn’t mean worthless though. His hand fell, and rested over hers without a second thought. Warm and against the sheets. “If I felt that way, I would have stopped speaking to you long ago. You could take care of yourself too.” Not safely, but could. “Except for money.”

She smirked.

“So you’re saying I need a suga daddy.”

Yoongi twitched.

“Part of me wanted to sell the condo as soon as possible,” she went on, casually glossing over the comment. “But the realtor said it would be a bad idea. I wouldn’t have any buyers without a minimum of six months or a year. Too many superstitions. Part of me thought I should…”

She looked up to the ceiling.

It was a high-rise, after all.

“All the reasons to move here were his. More convenient, better opportunities, owning rather than renting for the investment… I believed in it, more than myself.”

He didn’t say anything. Couldn’t because all those things had benefitted him already. He didn’t only agree to move in help her out. He was still a working music producer. But she didn’t seem to be saying it to condone him.

“I didn’t really think this place was mine until I painted the walls.”

Yoongi thought he should at least confess this part. “That’s why I told you to paint them.”

A small laugh. “You don’t like it, huh?”

“Don’t you remember the walls of the old studio were dark gray? That was my doing. I always resented the last place I rented because they didn’t let me paint the walls.”

“Ah… He painted over the gray.”

“I bet he did.”

They had fallen to the bed now, side by side.

“I didn’t think this would work out,” she breathed.

“I thought it might,” he hummed.

“Why?”

“You’re hot and clever and I wanted you from the first day I saw you.”

A warm chuckle. “Just like that?”

“Well, you had to give me a chance. Couldn’t make the first move due to the circumstances.”

“It was a convoluted and confusing one.”

“Eh, life’s unfair.”

“Your husband already paid.”

Your what?

“What?”

The cashier waved you away. You shuffled back, dazed, seeing Min Yoongi emerge from the bathroom in the corner of the restaurant, tucking a bit of his long black hair behind his ears and finding you in front of him.

“The cashier just called you my husband,” you declared.

He shrugged.

“Surprise.”

You blinked at him.

Patrons chatted and laughed as if this was a normal day. The music was horrendous covers of cheesy 2000’s pop. It was very strange, but the pho was good and well-priced, which was why Yoongi and you came here often after his meetings with music companies. Popular talent was in high demand.

He ticked his head to your outfit. “I know you like this dress I bought you, but you’ve left your coat at the table.”

“Oh, shit.”

“You’ve been scatterbrained ever since you started writing again.”

“Shut up.”

masterpost

#yoongi x reader #yoongi x you #bts smut #yoongi smut #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi x you

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dbear2 · 2 months

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okay non tickle related lore post because all I do is post about tickling, so if yall want to know anything more about me, here it is :)

hi, im Derek, im 21, from nyc :) (tickle people in nyc hit me up <33 ) I am an Indian cisgendered man, and I think im bisexual? I’ll find out eventually. Also, 5’4 if yall care.

I’m on tumblr to connect to people with the same fetish / interest as me. I will generally keep things sweet and sfw but from time to time you might see me reblog a titty?? Or a peepee??? Or a vagina??? We’ll see.

I am very into body worship, feet, overstimulating, and physical touch in general, aside from tickling, but again, keeping things sfw here.

Please do not interact if a minor. I will curbstomp you :))) also, if you are against the liberation of Palestine, bye bye! If you are racist , homophobic, or hateful and bigoted, byebye! Fuck, if you’re a Republican or on the right , BYEBYE!!!

I am a film student, and I’m usually always working on set. Writing teases is my cope <3 as well as DMing the many beautiful ticklees I like to tease.

Talk to me about…

- movies! I’m always keeping up. Not always watching all of them, but keeping up!!

- jujutsu Kaisen!!

- one piece!!!

- blue lock!

- haikyuu!!

- Pokemon!!!

- film production!!!

- books! I want to hear what you’re reading and if you like it <3

- wellness, could always use more health advice.

- your life! Just because. I can usually lend an ear <3

My top songs atm are…

- lil yachty - drive ME crazy - so groovy <3

- move me - ridge racer 4 - scratches the best itch in my brain

- What A Day - Tyler the Creator - just hits hard tbh

- Fight Alongside - JJK Season 2 Soundtrack - goes SO hard

- From the Start - Laufey - she is an angel.

Current movies I think of…

- Poor Things

- The Last Black Man in San Francisco

- Nope

- La Haine

- The Iron Claw

I need to see Bottoms so bad!!!!

Some hobbies I want to get into are reading more, drawing more, and learning the piano!!! But, as an intensely driven film student, I have little time for things that would otherwise be healthy lmao.

Anyways, talk to me, love yall!!! <333

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thegreatlibraryfangirl · 3 months

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Time to ramble about Khalila's temper. Because she really, really has one, and I think we all forget that sometimes. But if you actually pay attention, you can see that she's got a very quick, very hot temper, which, if she allows it, blossoms into violence.

The key there of course is if she allows it - most of the time she brings that flash under control again because violence isn't the right option. She appears to be very good at that emotional control, but less so at avoiding the initial reaction. Her anger is used as a tool, mostly, but the fact that it's there at all is often overlooked.

Let's go through some book quotes! (Non-exhaustive)

1. Ink and Bone

He made his countermoves, and almost laughed when her expression turned thunderously dark. Had she been Glain's size and temperament, he'd have been right worried, but on Khalila, thwarted ambition looked about as intimidating as a puppy's snarl. "I shouldn't have played fair and warned you, I suppose." "Not if you plan to win," he said. "I do like winning." She smiled, her fit of pique gone in an instant.

Here's Jess hilarious underestimating of Khalila, who later on in this same book will shoot a Burner at point-blank range. But here also is Khalila's temper. All they're doing is playing Go, and she's just realised that she's going to lose. Thwarted ambition and fit of pique indeed. She masters it almost immediately, and rightly so, but the fact that it flares so strongly here for such a minor event is telling, I think.

2. Paper and Fire

Here, we start to see what happens when Khalila doesn't restrain her rage, when she deems it acceptable to react. Hint: it involves violence and death threats.

Just, tbh, the entire bit where she attacks Jess because he won't go after Dario, but here are the highlights:

"And if you ever lay hands on me again, I will kill you, Jess Brightwell! ... Her face was set and terrible, her eyes like dark pits ... "Then let us run," she said, in a voice drained of anything but anger.

To quote myself from this post, emphasis today's:

This is essentially Khalila losing her temper. No-one will help her save Dario, which she takes as a moral failing, and then Jess tries to physically stop her. [...] So she hits him and she shouts that it’s all HIS fault, and then once she’s finished with that she shrugs him off with one well-placed knee. And a death threat.

Next, we have a titbit from the end of P&F when they are in the Iron Tower. This is an immediate reaction to Keria touching Morgan.

Khalila stood up. It was a swift, controlled motion, and although it wasn't threatening, there was a cold look in her eyes that made the Obscurist's focus shift. [...] "if you touch Morgan again, if you try to take her away and lock her up, then you'll have to kill me. I won't make it easy."

She is controlling herself here, because she knows that physically reacting isn't the play right now, but she is ANGRY and broadcasting it. Sadly we don't get to see her simmer down from this, damn Jess.

3. Ash and Quill

Obviously, we have the best scene of all for Khalila beating the shit out of someone because she knows they deserve it

(If you're not as obsessed as me, this is from the scene when they're first imprisoned in Philly, where they're all being frisked and a guard rips off Khalila's headscarf)

Khalila turned whip-fast to grab the man's wrist and extended and twisted his whole arm. She continue the spin and pressed her palm hard into the back of his elbow, reversing it to the breaking point and held him there as he cried out. [...] Her voice was steady but Jess could see her face. She was still angry.

This is a beautiful and amazing scene but it's not quite as useful for my points as some of the others, because the fury is perfectly understandable here (i.e. not quick/sensitive reaction) and she doesn't bother to calm herself down again afterwards. Though actually I suppose that is in and of itself interesting, that Jess notes some time late that she's still angry, maybe indicating that he hadn't expected it.

A quick second quote here, from after Rafa's death:

Khalila swallowed hard, and for a moment there was a shine of tears in her eyes, but then it was gone, as if it had evaporated under the intense heat of the anger she was banking inside. [...] "I can't think of a time I've needed [prayers] so much." A&Q

This is useful for a) suggesting that prayer helps her to regulate herself, and b) assuming that Jess isn't flat-out guessing here, she is externally showing her internal rage. Obviously again, it's an understandable one, but interesting that anger is her overriding reaction here rather than grief, fear, guilt or anything else.

4. Smoke and Iron

"No!" Khalila shook off Glain's restraining hand. "No, it isn't all right. They hurt him. There was blood-[...] There was a great deal of blood, and I want to go find him! Let me go find him!" "Khalila." Santi put his hands on her shoulders, and Wolfe saw the tense fury drain out of her.

Here, we have her 'righteously' losing her temper again and physically reacting. Yes, I am calling something as minor as shaking off Glain's hand as a physical anger response, fight me. But she masters it almost immediately, as soon as it becomes apparent that it won't be useful anymore. (Note, this very much mirrors that P&F scene with equally missing Dario, where she hits Jess but doesn't attack Wolfe. She knows taking out her feelings on the dads won't get her anywhere.)

5. Sword and Pen

I am actually, shocker, not going to address her verbally castrating Dario as the Pharaoh. I have a lot to say about that scene lol, but in Khalila mind she is completely in the right, so can be outwardly angry, and in control, so doesn't need to physically react.

Instead I'm going to use my probably second favourite example of her temper in the whole series, because it's the only time we get the process I'm talking about from her PoV.

"I can hardly blame them, to be honest. There’s panic in the city. They have families to look after. As do I, but my first duty is still here.” Khalila started to fire back a hot reply, but then took a beat to consider. There was no point in being angry; the woman’s point was well made.

Now, in Khalila's defense she's under horrific stress here. But this is just a conversation with a Library cook, who's pointed out that her coworkers might value their safety over making sure the ambassadors get wined and dined. And Khalila's first response is anger, that she shuts down once she realises she's being unreasonable.

Anyway, so, yeah, some examples of Khalila the hothead!

#the great library #khalila seif #long post

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pocket-lin · 3 months

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9 and 10 for the fandom asks!

hi!! thank you!! I apologize if the formatting is weird for this, I wrote half of it on my phone notes app the the rest on the Tumblr site and also I just generally don't know how to do things hahah

(i'm focussing on the sandman cuz I think that’s the biggest fandom we share!!)

9. a ship that isn't your OTP but that you enjoy

so dreamling is my ultimate sandman ship, BUT. two other ones I love are:

dream/hob/corinthian aka hobrintheus. everyone go read @softest-punk’s fic self-abandon, and the confounding effects thereof !! hob humanizing the corinthian (calling him cori), the corinthian being so genuinely in love with hob, dream being being so very dream about the situation… pure excellence. I have a handful of other fics I can rec for this ship, too!!

dream/hob/daniel. this is 10000000% @moorishflower’s fault because their Beautiful, Strange and New series is fucking unparalleled (tbh everything they write is like a drug to me). the main fic was so incredibly fun to read while it was a wip!!! especially when the story gets to that part (ifkyk).

10. a blog (mutual or one you follow) that has made your fandom experience brighter

okay this question is so hard to answer because I’ve only got back into any fandom in 2022 (long and kinda sad story) and I haven’t quite gotten up the gumption to talk to many people outside of commenting on fics. so!! I’m just gonna shoutout some more fics I love from the people I talked about in the other answer!

here’s a few more @softest-punk fics that I recommend, especially if you like alternate universes, a hopelessly-in-love hob, and support the Trans Agenda:

Catching Up - human/no powers au with alternating pov. all that post-fishbowl trauma goodness with an incredibly sweet hob who just wants to take care of his dear friend (who he is also hopelessly in love with but that's nbd)

Falling - another human/no powers au! strangers to friends to lovers story with extremely hot sex. i'm remembering how much I love this one and I'm about to go reread it!!

Half sleep, half waking- this is one of their most recents fics and it's a rivers of london crossover!! 1989 fishbowl rescue au (alternating hob and nightingale pov) where hob enlists the help of his friend (and ex-lover) dci nightingale to figure out why his oldest friend (who he is hopelessly in love with) missed their centennial meeting. I love hob's whole "thing" in this one–I have a personal head canon that he would absolutely have all kinds of rizz with the potentially less than human and/or immortal components of the world.

here's some more @moorishflower fics I recommend, especially if you like alternate universes, delicious angst, and extremely well thought out world-building! I don't know the best way to word this (fiction writing isn't my strong suit), but the way that this author describes things makes me go insane. they know exactly how to describe how things taste/smell/feel and it just completely transports me into the story.

iron, glass, bones, blood - monster4monster, love but the kind of love where you want to pin them to a board like a butterfly and find out what their blood looks like under a microscope, kink as a way to reclaim trauma... I literally cannot tell you how many times I've read this fic. it feels like it was pulled from the very depths of my subconscious.

On sexual dimorphism in C. urophasianus - (if you know me irl, no you don't) very lighthearted, non-traditional a/b/o, omegas are very empowered. they've only been together one week and it's still very new between them and now dream has to "court" hob because of his instincts going all crazy. very, very sweet!!

17th Century Knife Restoration - this fic made me cryyyyyy. hob watching a restoration video on YouTube and uh oh its his knife and uh oh now he has many feelings. to be loved is to be known, and also to be changed 💜

also their Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs series' most recent fic, Basic Needs, is currently posting and is making ME have many feelings!! check this one out if you want mutual pining of the most desperate nature, down and out dream and caretaker hob (oh and hob has a gigantic dick and dream is obsessed with it)

#fandom asks #ask games #fic recs #I've never done fic recs before #do we like this?#the sandman #dreamling

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lost-in-azalea-forest · 7 months

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hello bro!!!! giving you cereal, notes and walk for Asmo, Jiro and Asra!! feel free to change the f/o if you feel like writing about someone else! im just here wanting to read more stuff about you and Jiro hehe sending the best vibes your way!<3

oh, long post incoming

cereal - how different are your breakfasts? have you ever prepared breakfast for the other? is there something you would never accept for breakfast, even if it came from them?

Asmo: My S/I isn't actually the exchange student but they almost live with the demon brothers so we have often breakfast together, he definitely cares more about looks of food to make aesthetic photos, while i just want my coffee

Jiro: I'm a bit of a mess in the kitchen but I still feel like a biiiit of a big bro for Jiro so he is always welcome to crash my home for breakfast, whatever he asks for I will try and fail miserably to do

Asra: He makes such a great tea for REAL!! The best way to begin a day, and his cooking is great so I'm coming to visit you two quite often. It's also nice to make a card reading for the day in group :>

notes - whose writing is harder to read? who writes more by hand than digitally? do any of you rely on making lists or using post-its on a daily basis?

Asmo: he writes so much digitaly but whenever he writes by hand, his handwriting is beautiful, i feel like we would leave eachother some small notes to make each other's day

Jiro: he has an awful writing and as non native i have such a hard time reading it, i learn with time though; i was said my writing is very neat though

Asra: i like his handwriting, after all you can see it in the game! and we keep sending eachother postcards from any place we visit, i think it's cute

walk - what do you usually do when you spend time together? is there any place you especially like to hang out at? maybe somewhere that holds a deep meaning for both of you for some reason?

Asmo: shopping malls are such a cool place, we get to have fun trying out some clothes and choosing outfits for eachother as well as chill in cafés while exchanging some gossip and having meaningful convos, but tbh, having a spa day at his room is also a favorite of mine, depends on my energy levels

Jiro: i feel like if the day isnt going right for any of us it's high time we go hit arcade and playing together to our hearts' content, if i end up being really good i would let him win ksjskjs i think it would also be fun to play some basketball or soccer although im really physicaly weak xd im complaining about my old age to him while being 4 years older, yea (i think. math is ironically not my strongest suite)

Asra: to be honest, travel is the best 'place' for us to spend time together. i just love seeing new places and i'm sure he would make it extremly fun, besides i like to help him find gifts from travel for you ;3

#f/o #self ship #ask game #safeship #safeshipping #💄#🎸#🔮

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gonegrove · 10 months

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ooh a Heather headcanon I’d love to hear your take on is transfemme Heather 💕

now that's a vibe i can get into. ironically i've been seeing heather (and a lot of the other girls tbh) as cisfem bc in my brain i do a lotta non-cis stuff generally so it's actually Novel for people to like... just be cis to me lol. like i do 43574398534953489 variations in my head and read various queer versions bc it's Good Food and when i finally get to posting myself i'm like "wait-- novel concept-- i make them cis. bc that's the thing LESS people are actually." (<- insane queer logic from the gay echo chamber)

but like i can See This i can Vibe This. heather to me is one of the few characters who you couldn't sell me on being really any kinda masc. like i'm more inclined to see and vibe on say, a transmasc chrissy variation than a heather. but transfemme works well for heather. she's got Femme Energies and so long as they're present in a depiction of her the world is your oyster. like i think say, transwoman!heather and it serves to me contrapoints energies which i love. she would explain like, the evils of capitalism in full beat, a pearl necklace and drinking campaign while in a tub full of milk, a lush bathbomb and rose petals.

it would also add in a LOT of turmoil for her at home tho since her dad's a misogynist and her mom's checked out from dealing with him for at minimum 17ish years. like feeling feminine but living in a house were you KNOW even LOOKING at Girl Stuff™ is gonna get you shit and hearing constantly this degrading shit about women/femininity/anything associated with either while like, that's everything you connect with would be so damaging to her psyche rip.

god this is unleashing my love tho of men/amab ppl who're aggressively feminine dfkgjhkfd. heather being the nuriko from fushigi yuugi of hawkins. not a man, not a woman, not a transwoman but a Secret Fourth Thing (too beautiful to be contained and objectively more good looking in a dress than any of you). amab!heather who gets into glam rock just so they can have an excuse to grow their hair out and wear make up and cute little outfits. who TOTALLY joins the cheerleading team to "get girls" and not bc they're you know, REALLY PUMPED ABOUT CHEER!!!! (and also yes-- to get girls. it can be 2 things). who joins the swim team so they can shave in peace(it's aerodynamics bro!) (also they're just VERY competitive dfgfd).

they're the queen of hair and makeup and give all the best manicures. just really enjoys the variety in women's fashion and style and laments how guys really only get like, 3 things to pick from. is living the most fucking mission impossible back flipping thru the alarm lasers lifestyle to be masc enough they don't get kicked out, degraded or get the shit kicked out of but also find ways to be who they wanna be and express it as often as possible (bc like we gotta be realistic -- it's rural indiana in the 80s). guys trying to rag on them and calling them a fag n shit and they clap back with "and i'm STILL hotter than you AND your girlfriend put together and she'd ABSOLUTELY wanna fuck me!" (they're 100% accurate about this too lol).

#answered #heather holloway #transfemme amab heather is such a powerful concept #reminds me of all my childhood loves who were just men/amab ppl in dresses with FANTASTIC hair dfgfd #changes her name to heather after seeing heathers and being like lol YEAH this is a documentary about ME i'm ALL 3 HEATHERS AT ONCE

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warm-starlight · 2 years

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So I saw these comment the other day on a post. what non shippers think about eruri

A:" It's sad how some people sexualize their beautiful companionship, yet it's ironic that they think Levi is that shallow to respect and trust someone's judgment and follow their lead till the end just because he has romantic feelings for them." 164 LIKE

"till now i have no idea that someone actually thinks that way.😂"

"100% agree! I hate shippers tbh"

"and it's amazing that you think romantic relationships are all about sexualization and don't have any respects and trusts in between them 🙂👍"

A:"You know what is even more amazing is that you are so narrow-minded to get my point, however, this is funny bc their FB group doesn't say the same, it's literally filled with sexual content and I don't know why but gay ship always turns to girls sexual desire for yaoi. You are the ones who don't understand love. I recommend them to read more BL novels instead of toxic manga(fan art), maybe then they can stop seeing BL that way."

E:"tbh i don't remember seeing many eruri shippers who thought about them this way, from what i've noticed they usually appreciate the deep mutual respect, trust and understanding between erwin and levi along with levi's devotion for erwin, the point is that such relationships often go with romantic feelings but not like childhood crush type beat, it's more about true mature love and closeness which old couples have developed with time, sex and romantic attraction is additional here but i don't think it ruins the whole image at all, not to mention that romantic (not sexual) interest might come with admiring someone's personality, attitude, ideals and basically them as human and you can obviously tell levi does admire erwin much, it doesn't necessarily mean he must adore him and have fallen for him but there's nothing wrong with thinking that he could"

A:"Believe me, most of them are, and I would never interpret a topic without being sure of my information (you can check their FB group if you want or pixiv art ). Still, it's not my point.

Yes you are right, “true mature love and closeness which old couples have developed with time”, I loove these kind of relations. Although this has nothing to do with Erwin and levi.

First Isayama-sensei didn’t make their relation to be seen as romance, as we can clearly tell the romance between eren and mikasa/ yumir and historia(…the canon ship as well ), nonetheless, he always referred to Erwin as a good friend for Levi (the guide book ), he didn’t implicate romance between them, as proof, most of aot watchers “out of the shipping community” didn’t see them romantically I can tell from myself as I was surprised when I first saw the ship and so were my friends (even the comment below support my idea).

Even so, we ignore these facts and consider “Their deep mutual respect, trust, understanding for each other and levi devotion for Erwin” it doesn’t require romantic love, and I dislike how romance is the first idea that bumps into shipper’s heads. Yes, levi admired Erwin so much in a way like what you said “admiring someone's personality, attitude, ideas and them as human” but you don’t realize the key difference between love and admiration, while love focuses on affection, admiration focuses on respect and approval.

Basically, true companions like erwin and levi had already shared and experienced everything, taking their relation to a romantic level means adding sexual affection, cause you can’t deny it but the difference between any type of love and romantic love is sexual attraction and passion,- don’t misunderstand me I believe sex activities are pretty normal for couples who chose to be in romantic ship-, but what I don’t get is why, why do the shipper insist on crossing the lines when their relation is already that beautiful why they cannot just “appreciate it ”like you said the way it is, that only means that they’re not mature enough to understand relations and they tend to sexualize everything. They need to understand that appreciating a relation doesn’t essentially mean that you like it in romantic terms.

Attack on Titan may not be a whole feelings and relations lessons type of anime but Isayama-sensei did surely succeeded to represent the most beautiful bond in the whole aot anime, for me, Levi and Erwin relation is the deepest and pure tie I’ve ever seen and I can’t stop and which to have one alike, so why do we sexualize it and be so blind to unsee the true meaning behind. And that’s the difference between our visions. It takes a certain level of maturity and experiences to understand what truly relations are about so they can stop confusing terms.

This is just my opinion and shipping is okay unless it’s legal and they’re not trying to make it canon when it’s not, and I usually never talk about these topics in their area I just ignore it but science it’s not a shipping post I’m setting myself free.

Ahh the joy of writing is irreplaceable. This was good practice for my coming English test. Thank you for that. It was nice interacting with you❤.

I'm sorry for the long ask but this person just is amazing I like their way of seeing things. This just resumed my whole impression and thoughts about eruri.

This same thing applies to all shippers tbh, immediately shoving romance whenever there is some type of bond present).

I also disagree that romantic love requires sexual relationship. You can certainly have sex without any intention of romance and romance without any sex.

#snk #aot #anonymous #ship wars

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meowmageddon · 1 year

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My Best Reads of 2022!

I've only got one book I know I may finish before the 1st, and it's not going to make this list, alas. So now's the time!

These are the best books I read in 2022, based on enjoyment and memorability for me. They are not necessarily 2022 releases, though most of them happen to be, this year.

It's gonna be a Long Post. Read on for the list!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

The two honorable mentions I have this year were disqualified from the main list because they were actually rereads of books that are already favorites! Keeps it fair, you see.

• The Stone Sky by N.K. Jemisin (2017) - Conclusion of the Broken Earth trilogy. Still fantastic, of course.

• The Grace of Kings by Ken Liu (2015) - Beginning of the Dandelion Dynasty series. "Silkpunk" epic fantasy heavily influenced by the evens surrounding China's first emperor etc.

THE TOP 7 READS OF THE YEAR:

I'll have read 28 or 29 books this year, which is about half of last year's 53 (it's okay, it was a rough year tbh). So this list naturally ended up about half as long as last year's Top 12. Since I don't need the anxiety of conforming to specific numbers, I pick an organic amount I feel strongly about.

"Rank" 7 through 4 are not in any particular order, and are general favorites. The top 3 are very close, and their final ranking is almost negligible in difference. They were the real standouts!

7: The Empress of Salt and Fortune by Nghi Vo (2020) - First of (currently) three novellas about the cleric Chih and their birb companion Almost Brilliant. They visit the palace of the late, once-exiled empress and hear some vignettes about her from Rabbit, who had been her servant and companion.

6: Of Charms, Ghosts and Grievances by Aliette de Bodard (2022) - Second of (currently) two novellas in Bodard's Dominion of the Fallen world, which features dragon prince Thuan and his Fallen angel husband, Asmodeus. They visit Thuan's family at the dragon kingdom beneath the Seine and encounter a ghost and a murdered corpse. Loved the action, murder mystery, and Thuan's adorable nieces!

5: Just Like Home by Sarah Gailey (2022) - This was a polarizing horror/thriller about the daughter of a serial killer and her complicated relationship with her mother and home. Gross and engrossing, and I personally fall in the "Loved It" camp. I've grown very fond of "unlikeable" heroines.

4: You Made a Fool of Death with Your Beauty by Akwaeke Emezi (2022) - I still have to review this, even though I technically finished it months ago (I mentioned it was a rough year). But this was an intense and messy (in non-aggravating ways) romance from one of my favorite authors. Note: Emezi had two other books release this year. Both were also very good, but this was my favorite of the three.

3: Night of the Living Rez by Morgan Talty (2022) - Interconnected stories about the same narrator from throughout his life, as he grows up on the Penobscot Rez and deals with different forms of sickness and healing. The characters and their relationships felt so real, I grew super attached to them. Still think about it a lot.

2: Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao (2021) - A story of giant mechs battling aliens featuring altered versions of historical Chinese figures, an absolutely unhinged main character (Wu Zetian), and the best possible type of love triangle. Despite my disinterest in mechs (and standard love triangles), I found this to be fantastic and fun.

1: The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School by Sonora Reyes (2022) - YA Queer contemporary romance... yet it didn't annoy me?? I loved Yamilet, her humor, all her relationships--not just the romance. But the romance was also fun and sweet! I wish teen me had been able to read this.

Anyways, I didn't really think about it until putting the list together, but nonbinary authors really cleaned up this year! At least four of the authors on this list! That's in no small part because I often read along with Enby Book Club, highly recommend.

It was a great reading year. Though 2023 is going to be super busy for me, I'm hoping what I do manage to read will be just as good!

#long post #books #Kitty's Reading List #Best Reads of 2022

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seravph · 2 years

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okay I’ve been super skeptical about the new west side story from the beginning but then all these newspaper critics are calling it a triumph and a necessary update etc??? so I was considering seeing it now but based on your posts idk what is the truth

it’s like . okay so

it IS a necessary update I will concede that. Not only does casting Hispanic people make it better representation it also genuinely improves the musical to have Hispanic people speak Spanish, it’s better to listen to. It also amends the things that aged poorly which improved the watching experience. However it’s just those things that enhance the musical imo, the movie as a whole isn’t that fantastic. The singing is good! The dancing, when it is employed, is good!

But dancing is so underemployed considering that westside story is a show that is centered around dancing - the first ten minutes of the show has zero dialogue or singing at all - it’s all dancing. When maria and Tony meet for the very first time, they dance a pas de deux, not sing a duet. The original movie has some of the most iconic dance numbers in film history and is known for the extended dance scenes that use dozens of characters - the new movie has a fraction of the dancing and it seems as the Spielberg tries to make this up in using excessive props and non-dancing extras and playing on the set, but IMO he fails bc it just ends up distracting from the dancing. If you’re going to remake a movie that contains some of the most iconic and beloved dancing of all time … you have really big shoes to fill. I don’t think Spielberg filled them. Which is a shame because the movie had potential to be so much better!

I see a lot of critics saying that Spielberg’s work in this movie is a triumph that commits wholeheartedly to the show, but I was so cognizant the entire time that he was the director. The original westside story used color in such a beautiful way and has some of my favorite cinematography ever, but Spielberg employs the boring unsaturated neutrals most of the time and attempts to create a color story with the Sharks which is okay at best. And the costumes left something to be desired IMO but that’s no different from most other period pieces I watch tbh

They make Rita Moreno in the character of Doc but then make Doc SUCH a central character and attempt to give her backstory and it’s so annoying and meaningless and distracting ???

Ansel Elgort, apart from his mere presence being controversial (though that’s a whole other discussion), isn’t that good of an actor???? IDK his interactions with Maria seemed annoying to me at best instead of innocent and earnest. And they added SO MANY extra scenes of backstory and shit ?????? It annoyed me LOL and ironically the original movie had half of the extra dialogue and was 10x more compelling (I think this goes back to the dancing as well - in musicals, when dialogue is not enough for emotions, singing is employed, and when emotions are too much for singing, dancing is employed. By underutilizing dancing, so much emotion is lost.)

So. I didn’t hate it. It wasn’t horrible. But it’s absolutely not a 93% on rotten tomatoes IMO and I feel as though Spielberg misses the point of westside story being a musical - he nails the social commentary but the musicality feels like an afterthought that is executed in a way that is mediocre at best (the singing is good, though)

Oh also there is transgenderism which was cool TBH I was like okay Steven Spielberg I kinda like you

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maticide666 · 3 years

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my eurovision top 39 songs (finally)

anyway i finally got my top 39 completed. under a read more because it can get kinda long with the commentary i added klfdja;sflk (and by that i mean VERY long, maybe a wall of text if i have a lot to say about the song.)

none of this takes rehearsals into account.

basically, 39-37 i don't like, 36-35 are meh, 34-25 are decent, 24-18 are good, 17-12 i enjoy listening to a lot, 11-4 i love, and I would pay for votes for top 3 if i could.

39. Azerbaijan - Efendi - Mata Hari - Honestly, I kinda want to like this song. The instrumentation is nice, especially with the Azeri instruments. Efendi's vocals are ok during the verses. However, her vocals during the MA-MA-MA-MATA HARI part makes this song utterly unlistenable for me. It is just so distracting and ear-grating. Not great for my sensitive ears. And that is without taking anything else into account.

38. Estonia - Uku Suviste - The Lucky One - For some reason reminds me of a boring modern country song. Bland af. At least the melody of the chorus is nice.

37. Cyprus - Elena Tsagrinou - El Diablo - Discount Lady Gaga at the best points of this song. Feels like three songs at once. Also, the lyrics seem like they just went all "What Spanish-sounding words sound spicy? Taco? Tamale? Mamacita?" As a Spanish speaker and as someone of Mexican descent who enjoys those foods, this annoys the living shit out of me. At least I can make El Diablo/Fallen Angel memes out of this. (Honestly, I don't mind the gratuitous Spanish with the words El Diablo.) Also, this song got real old real quick.

36. Slovenia - Ana Soklič - Amen - The gospel vibe is nice, but there is just too much Christianity in it for me to enjoy this song. Sorry, Ana.

35. Moldova - Natalia Gordienko - Sugar - Sounds like a sugary version of Siren Song by MARUV. Kinda boring, but enjoyable in the right circumstances.

34. Georgia - Tornike Kipiani - You - Good to listen to when mind feels blank. At first I kinda liked this song, but nowadays this song has lost its charm. This won't sound out of place alongside boring 70s slow classic rock songs.

33. Austria - Vincent Bueno - Amen - Not something I would listen to regularly, but still nice. For me, easily the biggest downgrade from 2020.

32. Greece - Stefania - Last Dance - Pleasant to listen to, not much else.

31. Portugal - The Black Mamba - Love Is On My Side - Good song, but not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, some great songs have to be near the bottom of my ranking.

30. Germany - Jendrik - I Don't Feel Hate - A fun song to listen to. The novelty wears off after a while. The feel good vibes and ukulele are nice.

29. Israel - Eden Alene - Set Me Free - the song release version was bland and boring, but the revamp. Now THAT is good stuff. The song doesn't seem so empty anymore. I miss the key change from the original, though.

28. Spain - Blas Cantó - Voy A Quedarme - A very emotional and beautiful song from Spain. Again, not usually my cup of tea. However, the melody somehow gives me a nostalgic vibe.

27. North Macedonia - Vasil - Here I Stand - DAMN Vasil has a lovely voice. Nice that he's showing it off here. Too slow of a song for me to enjoy regularly, though.

26. Albania - Anxhela Peristeri - Karma - I don't have much to say other than this song is nice.

25. Bulgaria - VICTORIA - Growing Up Is Getting Old - Pleasant to listen to, but depending on my mood I think this is a beautiful song but not my cup of tea or a complete snoozefest.

24. Serbia - Hurricane - Loco Loco - Fun song, but it feels like something is lacking, and I can't quite put my finger on it.

23. San Marino - Senhit - Adrenalina - Once the initial hype from Flo Rida being on the song died down, this became another typical Eurovision bop.

22. Sweden - Tusse - Voices - At first I thought the song was completely unremarkable and couldn't understand how this won Melodifestivalen. Nowadays it's a nice song to chill to. I gotta respect a perfect televote score from the national final.

21. Ireland - Lesley Roy - MAPS - nice.

20. Croatia - Albina - Tick Tock - Grew on me slightly. Shoutout for including a verse in Croatian.

19. Switzerland - Gjon's Tears - Tout l'Univers - Another grower for me. Doesn't hit as hard as his song from last year, but I dig it.

18. France - Barbara Pravi - Voilà - Lovely chanson right here. I wish it didn't take forever to pick up, though. I was about to completely give up on this song in the middle of my first listen. I'm glad I didn't.

17. Belgium - Hooverphonic - The Wrong Place - Classy. Not much else to say.

16. Ukraine - Go-A - Shum - I'd definitely go rave to this song. I kept finding this song hard to rank due to the white voice. I couldn't decide if I absolutely adored it or if I found it grating. Maybe I just wasn't feeling well when I first thought about it.

15. Lithuania - The Roop - Discoteque - Lots of fun, doesn't have the charm that On Fire had last year. I would dance to this song.

14. Poland - RAFAŁ - The Ride - I actually kinda like this song???? Even with Rafal's vocals??? I know he has political controversies, but I can't help but think this song is nice. A better, less controversial singer would benefit this song, though. I'm not counting the revamp just yet since it was released too recently.

13. Latvia - Samanta Tīna - The Moon Is Rising - This song gives me nostalgic mid to late 2000s hip hop vibes. The guitars in this song are lovely.

12. Romania - ROXEN - Amnesia - Definitely something that can put me in a trance if I'm in the right mood.

11. Czechia - Benny Cristo - omaga - Nice, catchy, I would dance to this.

10. Malta - Destiny - Je Me Casse - Damn, Destiny has a lovely voice! And the song itself is wonderful. I'm not a fan of the amount of Swedish talent being used instead of Maltese talent, but I really do enjoy listening to this.

9. Denmark - Fyr og Flamme - Øve Os På Hinanden - another really fun song! This really grew on me. Nowadays if I want to listen to a Eurovision song, this is one of the first songs I think of.

8. The Netherlands - Jeangu Macrooy - Birth of a New Age - I can vibe with this. You can hear the passion in this song. I wish I could let my body do the talking right now, but y'all can't see that with just a tumblr text post.

7. Russia - Manizha - Russian Woman - I was NOT expecting this to come out of Russia when it won the national final. I wasn't expecting to like this either. The message is great, the instrumental is great, everything about this is brilliant.

6. United Kingdom - James Newman - Embers - A funky song. I LOVE James's voice. Massive upgrade from last year in my opinion. I'm a sucker for brass in an upbeat song. Unfortunately, I have had the staging kinda spoiled and I am VERY skeptical about this coming out of bottom five. I'm done with the BBC.

5. Australia - Montaigne - Technicolour - There is a Lot happening in this song and I am all in for it. I'm kinda terrible at parsing lyrics, but it's a non-issue when I can follow Montaigne's voice and forget about the lyrics. Ironically enough, it's Montaigne's voice that also worries me this Eurovision season - mostly whether she was able to pull off her live on tape performance off.

4. Iceland - Daði og Gagnamagnið - 10 Years - I didn't think Daði could pull it off against this year, but he did it. I like this just a little more than Think About Things, which was my favorite song last year. I'm still a little gutted that this pandemic robbed him of a probable victory, but I've made peace with it. I still need to learn the dance moves, though.

3. Italy - Måneskin - Zitti E Buoni - FUCK YEAH A KICKASS ROCK SONG IN EUROVISION! This song gave me massive rock en español vibes on my fist listen, and honestly this is something I would bang my head to if I had the same body I did when I was 15.

2. Norway - TIX - Fallen Angel - I was not expecting to like this song much, let alone becoming THIS obsessed with TIX. In fact, he wasn't even on my radar for winning MGP. I listened to Ut Av Mørket for the first time and thought something like 'this is boring af, but at least it's in Norwegian'. And then he changed it to English, which I wasn't a fan of at first. And then one day the lyrics clicked - especially with my own struggles with mental illness. To this day this is one of only two Eurovision songs to actually make me cry. Even now he still isn't my MGP winner (that honor goes to JORN), but he has definitely won my heart.

1. Finland - Blind Channel - Dark Side - To say that this song kicks ass would be an understatement for me. This song has just the right mix of rock, pop, and even metal. Ever since I found out that this song would be in the national final, I knew that it would be my favorite this whole Eurovision season regardless of who won UMK. Yes, my jaw dropped when I saw the lead Blind Channel had in UMK. I literally cancelled my plans to watch the MGP final live because of these guys. I am not disappointed. Even Måneskin couldn't bring these guys down in my ranking. And while the lyrics might be a bit iffy, they did get me through rough times. I hope these guys are able to bring rock music back like they want to. But for now, I will give them my (useless tbh) douze points.

#eurovision #esc #this post took me two days #and even longer to actually rank everything #mostly because half the time i couldn't decide which song i liked more #so something gerbear's sorter couldn't help with #i'm tired rn #of course my top 3 is predictable

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sternbilder · 3 years

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that holst post from earlier awakened the slumbering basic orchestra bitch in me and now i’m wild about classical music again all of a sudden for one (1) night only, i’m going through my old classical playlist and here are some unsolicited opinions?? recommendations?? top 10 piece rankings?? from yours truly, most of which i have played personally

10. rossini, barber of seville overture - SPEAKING OF BASIC let’s get this one out of the way, literally everyone in the universe knows this piece but it’s just so goddamn catchy and also fun to play?? sometimes it just gets stuck in my head at random times for no reason but i do not care it is welcome to live rent-free in my brain always

9. bizet, intermission from l’arlesienne suite no. 2 - ok this one is a slower piece and i never see anyone talk about it ever but imo?? highly underrated with a gorgeous, well-developed melody from beginning to end not to mention an INCREDIBLY satisfying build-up & payoff and ok maybe the ending is a little dragged out but that climax makes me cry real human tears pls give it a chance?? it kind of reminds me of a soliloquy in a musical where the main character like. breaks down and spills their entire heart out at the audience and it’s so dramatique™ and good

8. von suppé, poet and peasant overture - the violin part in this is SUPER fun but that’s not important compared to the fact that that cello solo is the reason i lowkey have a crush on every single cellist tbh,

7. dvořák, largo from the new world symphony - this is probably the most Basic Opinion on this list but idc i love this melody to death, even all the dumb corny choir boy editions of it, a+, top 10 songs to die to if i’m gonna b real

6. bruch, finale from violin concerto no. 1 - i just ADORE how the violin solo in this piece manages to balance being playful and light with being colorful and interesting, it def makes me wish i was good enough to be a soloist LMAO?? also this lush middle section (which kind of reminds me of the tchaik romeo & juliet a little bit??) makes me want to die, it’s so beautiful

5. dvořák AGAIN, slavonic dances op. 46 - everybody loves the brahms hungarian dances yes but my favorite “collection of folksy fun orchestra tunes” is DEFINITELY the slavonic dances, really all of them but ESPECIALLY no. 7 bc it starts off sounding like it should be accompanied with an animated montage of a dopey little cartoon knight or something plodding along, fantasia style, but then it swells into this GORGEOUS sweeping middle section for just a few bars then back to cute cartoon nonsense for the rest of the piece?? i don’t think i actually ever played no. 7 myself now that i think about it but i love it anyway. also no. 8 bc i love how FUCKING dramatic it is

4. rimsky-korsakov, capriccio espagnol - i got to play this for a summer camp once and again recently with my company orchestra, it’s so fun?? it’s so light and festive with great solos and great melodies and with all its short sections it’s both SO listenable but also v cohesive, i’m a huge fan

3. márquez, danzón no 2 - i think this is a pretty modern piece actually but i’ve also played this multiple times at this point and love it a lot, it has a lot of really great solo bits (like this sexy little trumpet solo) and it just makes me want to dance, i love watching dudamel conduct this bc he looks exactly the way i feel the entire time

2. shostakovich, allegro non troppo from symphony no. 5 - listen i know for sure this has some deep symbolic or ironic political meaning about something something living under an oppressive, propaganda-and-censorship-controlled state or whatever but it just. fucking rules. my favorite part is that eerie little part with the high violins near the middle which i’m SURE i fucked up when i played it back when i was a wee high schooler just kiddding it’s actually this OTHER part with the soaring violins but anyway. my favorite performance is the bernstein one bc it’s the only one i can find that’s as fast or aggressive as i remember it being

1. beethoven, egmont overture - i’ve always thought that if you threw a slow punchy drum loop over the beginning of this you’d get some epic trailer bgm tbh?? idk maybe a controversial opinion but this is my favorite beethoven symphonic work bc the entire piece is a BANGER that’s not only fun as hell but also incredibly listenable all the way through, and also the ending fucking slaps!! anyway not to be lowkey sacrilegious but here’s a space jam remix of the ending part which i love but my fellow orchestra members did not appreciate so now i am sharing it all with you all instead,

honorable mentions:

holst, jupiter from the planets - this honestly deserves to be on the list, i just didn’t want to talk about it AGAIN bc i already started ranting in the tags a little bit but really this is self-explanatory, the i vow to thee section is one of the most beautiful pieces of music i’ve ever had the pleasure of playing or listening to and that’s THAT

saint-saëns, bacchanale from samson and delilah - danse macabre is also fun and carnival of the animals is ok but bacchanale is the saint-saëns piece that makes me go absolutely feral. it may be a go-to “we need something to spice up this concert program to make it not sound just Totally old and bland and white” but man. what an absolute party of a piece to play

mussorgsky, the great gate of kiev from pictures at an exhibition - i really love grandiose, epic pieces like this but this one in particular holds a special place in my heart bc (i think) this was the finale for my last high school orchestra concert which, while not the most rigorous group, was definitely the one with the fondest memories for me 😭i’m not gonna link it but i found a youtube clip of that performance and man. i miss.....this part through the end brings goosebumps to my skin and a tear to my eye aaaAAAA IT’S SO GOOD

#/#//#///#////#/////#cam thoughts #this got. so long #but sometimes u feel like having a one night stand w an old interest again and you just. gotta braindump..

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themoonstarwarrior · 3 years

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PLAYLIST SHUFFLE TAG!

Okay, so @viterbofangirl tagged me in this and I need to start learning to post my own shit, so what the hell, why not?

Rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to! put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first 10 15 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

(I couldn’t stop at 10 so I added 5 more, sue me)

I have very random music taste and I listen to my music on shuffle alot, so I made a playlist of the ones I like the most (that way I don’t hafta skip 150 songs to get to the one I feel like) so I’m gonna use that one.

1) History of Violence - Theory of a Deadman

Hoo boy starting off light huh?.... Yeah so, I was in the drive thru at Sonic when I first heard this on the radio and was immediately like “holy shit”. Instead of like metaphors and poetic subtlety, it’s just straight up like “here’s a poor abused woman who resorted to murdering her shitty boyfriend/husband cuz she couldn’t take it dum dum dum”. Even though the actual situation is not the same, this song is perfect for getting across the internal issues and turmoil of my character Mikey. Its so perfect I’m even planning to animate something for it...... if I ever get around to learning animation that is.....

2) The Vengeful One - Disturbed

Two songs in and I look kinda emo.... But hey this song is soooooo cathartic! I love me a good heavy rock song, and the drums and electric guitar are perfect for my ears to absorb. This song gives off a feeling of overwhelming power mixed with a coldness and disdain for the bad in the world. Obviously, thats not my usual temperment, but its an interesting one to explore! Especially when I’m trying to get into the head of characters that exude that like my OCs Spark or Ryu. Plus its fun to sing in the car X)

3) Enter Sandman - Metallica

Okay this one is just a classic! Same thing with the drums and guitar they both slap SOOOOO GOOD. I don’t really associate this song with any of my characters or fandom favorites, but it DOES give me a super strong urge to learn the drums. EXXXXXXXXIT LIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! OFF TO NEVER NEVERLAND!!

4) We Are Giants - Lindsey Stirling ft. Dia Frampton

I don’t really to listen to music by band or artist, but I LOVE Lindsey Stirling!!! She’s probably my favorite musician! This is such a good song, especially for someone like me. Its a positive song that talks about feeling alone in a crowd and unimportant to the world, but how you really do matter and shouldn’t be afraid to dream big and shoot for the stars. It really speaks to me and the vocalization is so good (especially for singing), not to mention the official music video is animated and AMAZING!

5) Cetus - Lensko NCS

I dunno if anyone knows this song, but damn its good. Its one of those Royalty-Free songs that people look up for their channels, which is how I found it in the first place, but I loved it immediately. Its a peppy 8-bit electronic bop that turns a little Irish jig at the end and honestly I think if I ever start an animation channel I’m totally gonna use it! (Also go support Lensko he make good beats!)

6) Sanctuary - Utada Hikaru

I did not grow up with Kingdom Hearts, and only played KH2 within the past year n’ a half. But good God, the moment that Cinematic Opening came on and this song started playing I swear I astral projected into a daze of feelings without names. I know that “Simple and Clean” is the quintessential Kingdom Heart song that gives everyone feelings, but IMHO Sanctuary blows it out of the water. As beautiful as the animation was, or how curious the occasional backwards lyrics are, or how weird it is having high-res Goofy and Donald in what is essentially an anime opening, I really can’t be distracted from this song when I play.

7) Chemical Plant Zone (Rock Remix) - Zerobadniks

Chemical Plant Song is like, one of the TOP Sonic songs by popular vote (and we know how awesome the Sonic series is musically so thats saying something!), but I could never quite vibe with the normal 8-bit version. I think I first heard this as someone’s ringtone and was immediately like “THATS PERFECT THATS EXACTLY HOW I NEED IT!”. The rock makes the song soooo much better and honestly gives the song the perfect vibe. Unfortunately, it took FOREVER to find cuz none of the Rock Covers of this song were the right one. In fact, tbh, I’m not even sure whether Zerobadniks is the correct artist..... that’s just who everybody was crediting when I found it.

(imma include the link i found since its a little hard to find: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqJiZEM6aPI )

8) The Wolf - SIAMES

YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT ANIMATED MUSIC VIDEOS???? THIS IS A GOD-TIER ANIMATED MUSIC VIDEO. I found the video first, and seriously, if you haven’t seen it YOU NEED TO!!! The beat works perfectly with the images on screen and the story being portrayed is really intriguing, with the lyrics adding to atmosphere without necessarily describing the visuals shown. Even without the animation, the song itself is a banger. It bring to mind the feeling of intense motion forward, but unable to decide whether its movement TOWARD something or AWAY from something. I love listening to this on a nighttime drive.

9) Burn the House Down - AJR

If you ask me, the best way to make a pop song better is to add either violins or trumpets. For this song, it was definitely the trumpets that first caught my attention, and the rest of the song kept me listening. I don’t really know how to describe the vibe of this song, and I don’t have a specific character or story in mind when I listen to it, so its a little hard for me to talk about it. I think the best way I can describe this song and what draws me to it is a feeling of nonchalant go-with-the-flow attitude to shenaniganry. Almost an undertone of “We’re hooligans in a situation that we probably should get out of, but hey we’ve got life and each other so why worry?” At least that’s the closest I can get to a verbal description heh...

10) Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell - The Offspring

DANCE, FUCKER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERFUCKER BURN!!!

So this also has a KICKASS animated music video, but its technically combined with the song “Dividing by Zero”. Now the video works SO well with both, and the shifting artstyles reflect the differing tones of the songs PERFECTLY. However, I have a preference for both the animation and the song on the Slim Pickens half. Its fun to listen to and sing at the top of your lungs and its SO CATHARTIC. Again I cant really describe what my head does when I hear it, but I think you can probably feel a similar vibe if you watch the music video.

11) No Heaven - DJ Champion

The first time I finished the original Borderlands, I had been playing for days on end, had just finished a long battle with the Destroyer, and sitting back relieved to have beaten it and reflecting on how much I had enjoyed the adventure. Then this song started playing. For what I believe was forty minutes this song looped on my TV while the credits rolled. By the time the credits finished I was pulling up the song to listen to again! What an absolutely PERFECT cherry to add to this experience. This song perfectly encapsulated the chaotic, trigger-happy, morally ambiguous craziness that I had enjoyed and absorbed in this game. Every time I hear it now, I imagine myself in the wastelands of Pandora, driving haphazardly across the sandy dunes as my companions and I shoot and blow up everything in sight. You know, living the dream.......

12) Hit & Run (Wolfgang Lohr Remix) - The Electric Swing Circus

I fucking LOVE electro-swing! The electronic beats and rhythm blend so well with the wild and energetic freedom of swing. A lot of electro-swing gives me a vibe of wild movement, reckless abandon, and freedom from constraint. I think this song melds all of these feelings the best! As the last song might have indicated, despite my general nice and sweet temperament, there is a part of me deep down that is an absolute gremlin secretly enamored with chaos, insanity, and a general disdain for law and authority X). But whereas anything Borderlands related has a more “morality is an illusion blowing shit up is real” air about it, this song is far more peppy. More of a “good-hearted but insane” type of chaos, like an 100mph car chase where you end up sailing over the train tracks JUST as the train passes.

.... I may have gotten a bit off track lol

13) Kickstart my Heart - Motley Crue

I love this song, but I have to be VERY careful when and where I listen to this. I love songs that make me feel like I’m going a million miles per hour, like I’m gotdam Sonic the Hedgehog. Unfortunately, I may or may not have had multiple instances of listening to this song in the car and abruptly realizing that I’m going like 15mph above the speed limit...... So yeah, regardless of absolutely perfect it feels to play this song while speeding down a nearly empty highway, please be careful and drive responsibly!!!

14) I’m Born to Run - American Authors

Imma just up and say it. This song is a Sonic song; like not like actually from the series but a song for the character. This song encapsulates Sonic as a character better than some of his ACTUAL THEMES (and remember Sonic music are bangers!). Its a song about freedom, living life as it comes, and not letting anything slow you down. Frankly I’m surprised they didn’t make this song FOR the Sonic series, or even the movie! Speaking of which, ironically I heard this song right after watching the Sonic movie in theaters, so yeah there’s no way I can associate it with anything else.

15) Opa Opa - Antique

Oh, what a PERFECT way to end this list! This may be one of my absolute favorite songs of all time! I don’t remember exactly how I found this song... I think I had just relistened to Dalar Mehndi’s “Tunak Tunak Tun” and was looking for other catchy non-english songs and BOY HOWDY I found one! I know nothing about the band or what the song’s about (its in greek and i dont speak it), but this song is just a masterpiece of retro, pop, and dance sounds. This song feels like the musical and lyrical manifestation of dance and movement. I really REALLY wish I could dance JUST so I can express how happy and free this song makes me feel! This is the BEST song for me to end this list with!

***********************************************************************************

JESUS, this got long..... Sorry about that XD. It was fun though, and hopefully somebody was vaguely interested in my ramblings.

Guess I need to tag people now? How about @tharkflark1, @rockmilkshake, @neonbuck, @drawingsdrawingseverywhere, @birthgiverofbirds, @puccafangirl, @kalcat, @biblestudybussybopsbabey, @monstrous-milktea, and @memecage! I think there are a couple of people here I haven’t talked to though soooooo..... hi, I hope you don’t mind the tag X)

Anyway hope you enjoyed and/or want to do this too! This took for-fucking-EVER to type, so imma go fuck off and watch youtube or something now...

#music and remixes #viterbo i was gonna add you to the bottom list and then i was like SHIT SHE TAGGED ME XD so oh well #i may or may not have cheated just a bit but shut up these are the songs i had something to say about #moonstar wont shut up

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in-a-cave-with · 4 years

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ooohhh rhodeytony recs pleeeeease!!

pls note that a couple fic here are also included in the general non stevetony fic rec post (that actually just turned into an irondad fic rec post with a couple other stuff added) but i decided to include them here anyway bc it’s good to organize stuff i think

Pretend We’re In Love (The Heartache Still Hurts) by InsaneJuliannRhodey’s dad is dying, and what he’s always wanted is for Rhodey to be happily married. Tony and Rhodey were best friends, and haven’t spoken in years. But after a chance meeting at the airport, and a desperate, insane idea on Rhodey’s part, they end up pretending to be engaged.But how much of it is really pretend?rec note: the DRAMA™ of it all…..

A Million Shades of Blue by Not Applicable (not_applicable)“I just know that if I could get to wherever he is, I could find him. Dead or alive, I’d bring him back to us.”James Rhodes will never stop searching for Tony Stark.rec note: cries because they,,,,,,h

A Bot’s Beautiful Mess by everythingsaceDum-E halts. In Other-Dad-Rhodey’s hand is… a box. It is a small, velvet box.Dum-E knows what this means. The bot has seen the movies and shows. He knows what this is.The bot screams.(Or: Rhodey asks Dum-E to assist him in proposing to Tony. Dum-E does his best.)rec note: hhhhHHHHNG THIS IS SO CUTE? IM DEAD???

Love in the Eyes by aliaoftwoworldsThe moment each of the Avengers realized Tony and Rhodey were in love.rec note: sof….sof.,t,,,

I Need A Co-Pilot by thesoundofnat“It doesn’t matter. He deserves a much better father than me anyway.”Rhodey raised an eyebrow. “Do we need to have a stern conversation about how you’re actually a good human being and would be an amazing parent?”“I’m not in the mood, Rhodey.”(Or, Rhodey teases Tony about him being a total dad to Peter, but Tony isn’t planning on being a single parent.)rec note: irondad and rhodeytony in a single fic? literally the dream

Write in Dust and Marble by sinuous_curveRhodey says, “You passed out,” when they land, as Tony is fending off the obnoxiously invasive hands of half a dozen medical personnel buzzing in his ear about physical trauma and internal trauma and cuts and bruises and broken bones and what is that thing glowing in his chest.rec note: ow……my leg……..my feelings….

Collision of Fate by natashalieromanov Fate brought James Rhodes and Tony Stark together, but sometimes Jim wonders if it’s enough.rec note: this fic broke into my house and committed an act of violence against me (mind the tags mind the tags)

Unconventional by TenSpencerRiedPleaseTony sits in a hospital room with an ice pack to his nose. “What happened to your nose?” the guy in the wheelchair asks unexpectedly.“I was trying to make rocket boots and they uh… went wrong,” he says.“Oh my god, seriously?” he asks.Tony nods. “So what happened to you?” he asks, eyeing up the scrapes and the remnants of a bloody nose.“Parkour,” he says casually and Tony raises an eyebrow.“In a wheelchair? Wait, is that how you ended up in a wheelchair?” he asks.rec note: this fic is a gem tbh and i really love how rhodey’s just as chaotic as tony

1 2 Twice That by starkintern“Hey, are you listening to me, Tony?”“I’m dying.”[A rewrite of an Iron Man 2 scene.]rec note: 0.32% of fic with tony in them have the tag “tony stark gets a hug” and this is one of them which makes it extremely important in my eyes

What I Need I Just Don’t Have by gyzymIf you want this choice position, have a cheery disposition. (Or: Tony needs an assistant. Rhodey needs a break.)rec note: this fic is rlly funny read it

beat out my chest by AnonymousBefore Rhodey leaves, he tells Tony it’ll be five weeks.“Five and a half, tops,” he promises, and presses a kiss to the hollow of Tony’s throat.Five weeks later, though, Tony sits in his lab all day, tinkering with nothing, with JARVIS on high alert, and - nothing happens.Rhodey doesn’t come home.rec note: nO IT’S FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE I SWEAR RHODEY’S OKAY IT’S FINE

L’esprit de L’escalier by thedeadparrotPost-Civil War. Tony opens his mouth, but he can’t find the right words. His version of therapy sucks.rec note: *incoherent noises*

Does it Hurt? by squireofgeekdomSteve doesn’t find Bucky after the bomb. Bucky finds Tony. They have a conversation.Then things get complicated.rec note: captain america: civil war (2016) is fake and russos aren’t valid. however this fic very much is

What is Taken by squireofgeekdomAfter rescuing Tony from the Borg, both Rhodey and Tony have to deal with the consequences of what has been left behind, and what has been taken.rec note: *bangs fists on table* STAR TREK STAR TREK STAR TREK S

Below Freezing by aftersoon (notboldly)When Rhodey crash lands in the Himalayan wilderness, it tests more than just his survival skills.rec note: please read this fic it’s v v good. also!! special thanks to @ayubia for finding this for me! :)

100 Ways (to say I love you) by AlexTheShipperFollowing Tony and Rhodey from MIT to post Civil War, and 100 different ways they’ve said I love you.rec note: op is literally a god because they wrote 100 ????? whole????? interactions?????? this fic is basically the rhodeytony masterpost honestly

#fic rec #long post #rhodeytony #sorry for this being late and also kind of short

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tocxmply · 4 years

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BRAINWASHING & ACTIVATION WORDS [sources: click, click, click, click, click, click]

so --- the process that underlies HYDRA’s creation of the Winter Soldier. first of all, this can be described as a process of brainwashing/ mind control/ mind manipulation to the point of breaking down one’s identity and reforge it at another’s will. what we know about brainwashing from scientific evidence is that this process is still debatable — whether it is real or a different psychological phenomenon, what it takes to happen, consequences, etc. obviously, it is impossible to conduct research to test hypotheses in such a field — for this reason, i have researched accordingly (shoutout to @timeripe for coming along for the ride) and i have tried to build up this background as realistically and plausibly as possible.

1. ELECTROCONVULSIVE/ ELECTROSHOCK STIMULATION (ECS)

starting at 1945 --- right after Bucky’s fall and when he was captured. ECS was growing quite popular in the psychiatry field in the 1940s, after observations that, for example, it was useful to put a person in an anesthetized state. it was also already demonstrated that the electroshock provoked retrograde amnesia, in that patients could not remember the treatment and therefore had no ill feelings toward it. knowing this, as well as the effect of a general sense of confusion left after treatment, it’s small wonder that HYDRA saw the potential this could have in producing compliant soldiers for their cause. nowadays. it is also known that memory loss and confusion are more pronounced for patients who receive a steady flow of electrical impulses and who undergo bilateral electrode placement, both of which are the Soldier’s case (re: the latter, it’s not actual electrodes used on him because the machines we see in the movies are quite rudimentar tbh, but it is a protocol of bilateral stimulation). we also know that some patients have persistent memory losses, especially with bilateral ECS. therefore, it is also not difficult to envision that, with frequent and non-optimized shock sessions (if not downright done on purpose to force all these side effects), in the course of 70 years of captivity, the Soldier’s memory was frequently wiped clean for the most part and that some portions of it may never be entirely recovered, even if he’s to be removed from this hazardous context (i will venture deeper into his memory + amnesia in a different meta). additionally, whereas nowadays there is no solid evidence that ECS causes brain damage, there are reports that it might result in a lack of blood flow and oxygen to the heart, heart arrhythmia, and persistent asystole.

tl;dr --- this is a procedure that, when done without regard for the patient’s integrity (which, disclaimer, is NOT what happens nowadays during perfectly safe and optimized ECS therapy sessions), is terrifying af and does not immediately produce immense trauma only because the procedure in itself, ironically, causes the person to be unable to remember it. again, a perfect mechanism to be used by HYDRA standards.

2. CLASSICAL/ PAVLOVIAN CONDITIONING

this is depicted in “Captain America: Civil War”, by the use of the infamous activation words and how they promptly revert Bucky back to the Winter Soldier mindset and, basically, turn him back to HYDRA’s puppet with zero autonomy/ agency. classical conditioning is “a learning procedure in which a biologically potent stimulus (e.g. food) is paired with a previously neutral stimulus (e.g. a bell). it also refers to the learning process that results from this pairing, through which the neutral stimulus comes to elicit a response (e.g. salivation) that is usually similar to the one elicited by the potent stimulus“. so, how does this apply to the activation words?

from what we can see at the start of CA:CW, during the flashback in 1991, the biologically potent stimulus is the ECS, as discussed in topic 1, which provokes a state where, right after the session, the Soldier is 1) in a state of confusion, 2) in an anesthetized state of sorts, 3) having no recollection of what just happened, and 4) with his memory in general converted to a clean slate. all of these are ideal, in turn, to induce a state of hypnosis. in this case: “hypnosis is a state of human consciousness involving focused attention and reduced peripheral awareness and an enhanced capacity to respond to suggestion. during hypnosis, a person is said to have heightened focus and concentration. the person can concentrate intensely on a specific thought or memory, while blocking out sources of distraction. hypnotized subjects are said to show an increased response to suggestions”. again, it’s not hard to see how convenient this is when you’re trying to create the perfect soldier/weapon, who’s 100% focused on your objectives and doing your bidding only. this is the default mode of functioning of the Winter Soldier, and what is achieved via the activation words.

so, the way i see it... what happens is that, after every ECS session, a hypnosis session immediately follows. during hypnosis sessions, the Soldier undergoes indoctrination on the whole HYDRA is here to save the world, we fight for freedom, everyone who opposes us needs to be removed, we’re the good guys, etc --- a message we see being clearly used in “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”, by Alexander Pierce, when Winter questions the man on the bridge --- he’s immediately reminded of how he himself changed the century, how he’s doing the right thing and this man doesn’t matter, yada yada. whenever this message does not work by itself, then a new ECS session is needed to restart the cycle; aka wipe him and start over.

during hypnosis sessions, that is also when the activation words are recited, again when the Soldier’s mind is solely focused on them and nothing else. and this is how the conditioning, therefore, works: an initially neutral stimulus (activation words) is associated with other stimuli (shock sessions + hypnosis sessions) which is able to produce a desirable response (absolute compliance, zero resistance, zero questioning of orders, zero agency), so that, by itself, the neutral stimulus becomes able to elicit this same response.

let me add here that the state of cryostasis the Winter Soldier is kept in, whenever he’s not needed, is also essential for this process --- as, despite the popular “cold sleep” name, this isn’t true sleep at all. this does not allow for REM sleep to occur, which in turn does not allow for short-term learning to be properly converted into long-term memories. which, again in turn, explains the Soldier’s amnesia and, as well, why the conditioning must be reinforced every time he’s awoken (i.e., the reason why he’s awoken, dragged out of the cryo chamber, shoved down for ECS + conditioning --- as we see depicted at the start of CA:CW).

3. CONSEQUENCES

first and foremost, i love the general idea depicted at the end of “Black Panther” that recovery IS possible, even for someone who’s quite literally gone through hell and back. however, i don’t agree with the idea that the activation words can be entirely removed, so to speak --- for example, it is well demonstrated that operant conditioning responses can take as much as 10,000 attempts without any sort of reinforcement, before eventually becoming extinct (thank u B.F. Skinner). ofc there is always the excuse that this is fiction and we can make technology as badass as we want, but i’m not a fan of that --- so i go for a compromise as realistic as i can do.

we know that Shuri was able to “deprogram” Bucky quite substantially, but we aren’t explicitly told how --- only that it was achieved by the time of “Avengers: Infinity War”. we also have Bucky himself stating that he is now “a semi-stable 100-year-old man “ --- semi-stable obviously implying that he still has to deal with some sort of sequels, despite his huge and beautiful progress. back to Shuri’s strategy, i would say this was heavily based on a protocol of counterconditioning/ stimulus substitution and systematic desensitization. to make a long story short, the rationale was to break the association between activation words + Winter’s mindset, to make it so that the power of the activation words over Bucky is as reduced as possible, and to instead associate these activation words with desirable outcomes --- for example, a positive stimulus, such as affectionate human contact, that is offered at the same time the words are recited --- so that the words are gradually able to elicit a positive emotion, rather than complete submission.

from what we currently know, this sort of intervention has great success and, for example, was one of the earliest behavioral treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder. however, we also know that it is not a perfect technique (like none is) --- which, all things given, leads me to believe that the words have not lost their power entirely. so... whereas, for the most part, by the time of IW they have become obsolete as far as triggering the Winter Soldier mindset goes (provided Bucky is in a positive context), they can still provoke anxiety and they can still bring back a great deal of noxious memories associated with those days. so, for example, reciting these words at this point in time will not succeed in brainwashing, but it will provoke a negative/vulnerable mindset and, under certain circumstances and in certain contexts, may provoke an actual panic attack.

to conclude: in my portrayal, the events that are post-CA:CW will bring about the start of Bucky’s recovery --- which will be progressive, extended (tbh it will likely be a lifetime process), and certainly not able to revert him back to the man he was in 1945 but that will, no doubt, make a huge difference for his mental health, integrity, and stability. depending on the timeline i’m writing him on, obviously, his progress will greatly vary --- right at the end of CA:TWS, he’s dysfunctional for the most part and greatly vulnerable, whereas, by the time of IW and beyond, he still suffers from severe PTSD symptoms but has learned how to better cope with them and how to preserve his well-being.

#long post #「ᵐᵉᵗᵃ」ʷᶤᵖᵉ ʰᶤᵐ ᵃᶰᵈ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗ ᵒᵛᵉʳ #so basically Portugal's emergency state + my quarantine will be me reposting all my pain

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