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#one of the most miserable times in my life was when i was in the ds/mp era
lady-maracas · 3 days
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My saviour
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Pairing: Angel Dust x M!Reader
Word count: 1,3k
Warnings: Swearing, Angel being his normal flirty self (we love him for it).
Masterlist
I’ll be using fluff prompts:
#8, “I haven’t laughed like this in a long time.”
#9, “Hold still, this might hurt a little.”
#10, “I just wanted to thank you, for saving me.”
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Life itself in Pentagram City was usually out of the ordinary. In other words, sinners did a lot of weird shit, which could make oneself feel uneasy. Today was just like the days before: shitty. You worked from 9 to 5, felt exhausted, went grocery shopping for the weekend and as the cherry on top, being harassed on the street by a random sinner. Lovely!
As you were on your way back to your place, an annoying ringing snapped you out of your thoughts: your cellphone. Slowly, you pulled it out of your back pocket to see who the hell dared to call you now.
Angel<3
Your frown immediately disappeared when you realized it was Angel Dust, one of your best friends, your party buddy. You answered the call:
“Hey!” You joyfully said.
“Ow, ow. Too much joy! What is up with you?” The voice on the other line answered. “I thought you were supposed to work all day?” He added.
“I did! I feel like shit right now!” You kept your joyous tone, “But now that I hear your beautiful voice, my day is actually better!”
“I don’t know what is up with you Toots, but I really want to get drunk tonight. ‘You in?” Angel said.
“You just read my mind! I’ll meet you there at 10!”
“Alright, you better lose some of that cheerfulness before then, you’re starting to sound like Charlie, shit.” He nonchalantly said. You knew that act was making him uncomfortable, you lived to tease him.
“Fuck you! Goodbye!” You hung the line and practically skipped all the way to your place.
Tonight was going to be fun! Right?
///
When you arrived at the club, you immediately realized the place was packed tonight. You almost changed your mind and went back home when you spotted Angel in the crowd, slightly taller and most sinners.
You made your way to him, “Hey, party buddy! Are you ready to have the night of your life?” You extended your arms for a hug, which he returned.
“Absolutely, and I personally think it’d be even better if it ended with you and me in my bed.” He winked playfully, which made you blush, “I’m just kidding, but by the look on your face you wouldn’t be opposed to that!” He laughed while making his way to the bar.
You stood there, a bit shocked, trying to hide the blush that rose on your cheeks due to his comment, and decided to follow him.
“What can we serve you tonight, fellows?” The bartender asked.
Angel and you both looked at each other and said in unison:
“Something strong.”
///
Almost an hour later, or maybe more than that, who knows, you stopped tracking the time after your fourth drink, you still stood at the bar with Angel. You were telling him a story that happened earlier at work.
“-And then the lady left and I said ‘don’t let the door hit you on the way out’ and guess what happened! It actually did! She opened it the wrong way and crashed into it!” You wheezed at your own story, almost spilling your drink.
Angel’s reaction matched yours, he leaned across the bar while he held his stomach with one hand, trying to keep breathing but failing miserably.
“Damn,” He wiped the tears from his eyes due to laughter. “I gotta tell you Toots, I haven’t laughed like this in a long time!”
You knew Angel was going through tough times, mostly because of his deal with Valentino. Knowing you made his day better and seeing him genuinely laugh made your heart flutter.
“Fuck yeah! I laughed so hard then, the lady became red with anger! She must’ve been ashamed!” You added.
Then, your stomach started revolting itself and made you stop dead in your tracks. “I need some fresh air.”
You pushed your way through the crowd, trying your best to not hurt anyone on your way out. As soon as the outside air hit you, your stomach basically thanked you and settled down.
You walked a bit, making sure you were feeling better, before you saw an ugly sinner make his way up to you. ‘Ugh, no!’.
“What’s a lovely thing like you doing outside all alone?” He stood close to you, making you insanely uncomfortable.
“Okay firstly, I’m a dude, second, I’m not alone.” There it is, your stomach felt sick again, and you knew it wasn’t from the alcohol.
“It’s alright sugar, I’m into those things.” He tried to hold you but you pushed him away.
“Leave me alone, I don’t have the time for this.” You leaned over, getting ready if your stomach decided to finally get rid of the poison you’ve been drinking.
“Listen you little cunt.” He grabbed the collar of your shirt. You could feel his disgusting breath on your face. “You gonna get on your knees and do what I ask of you, understand?”
“Fuck no!” You resisted, there was no way this was happening to you.
That’s when you felt it. The sharp pain on your side, just below your ribs. You suddenly felt hot, burning hot.
‘The fucker stabbed me?’
Then, the sinner was lifted off the ground by something, someone taller than him.
Angel.
“That was a very bad choice, shortie. I suggest you leave this gentleman alone and fuck off!” Angel practically screamed at the sinner, trying his best to not murder him.
All the while this happened, your vision started to get blurry, and your ears ringed. And then,
Nothing.
//
You woke up from your slumber, totally disoriented. As you looked around the room you were in, you could see the old tapestry that covered the walls. Old wooden furniture, a light that dimly lit the run down room.
As you put all the pieces together, the door opened slowly, making a creaking sound that made shivers run up your spine. ‘Did I fucking get kidnapped?’
“Heya sleeping beauty, did you sleep well?” ‘Oh thank heavens’, it’s Angel. That means we’re in-
“No, nuh uh,” you tried to get up from the bed you took your little rest in. “No way you took me to your tacky Hotel Angel, I’m getting out.”
He put a hand on your chest, keeping you from getting any further. “Sit the fuck back down,” He pushed me back on the bed. “First, this isn’t my Hotel, and second, this is where I live now, whether you like it or not.”
You whined a bit, part of it because he was right, and the other part was because your side hurt like, a lot.
“We better get you stitched up, before it gets infected.” He settled down a first aid kit on the side table and pulled out of it a needle and some thread. “You’re gonna have to pull your shirt up, Toots.” He looked at you up and down.
You shook your head no. There was no way he was stitching your skin back together, ew!
“Don’t be a baby, I have done things multiple times, I know what I’m doing! ‘Cmon.”
You slowly lifted your shirt, making sure you didn’t touch your wound in the process. You tried to not look at it, but curiosity took the best of you. That was fucking disgusting.
“Hold still, this might hurt a little.” With that, Angel began his work, closing your wound stitch by stitch. You bit your lip, hiding the fact that it hurt like a bitch. When the work was done, you released a breath you didn’t know you were holding.
“There you go! As good as new!” He closed the first aid kit and gave you a smile. “You can stay here for the night, while you get some rest.”
“Thank you, Angel.” You sighed, the entirety of the night finally pushing down on you. “I just want to thank you, for saving me.” You smiled up at him.
“Don’t mention it! And hey, I told you the night would end up with you in my bed!” He playfully smirked and left the room.
‘Oh this is the start of something good.’
\\\
Heya readers! This is my first HH one shot and the first one I’ve written in a while. I know I’m a bit rusty but bear with me! Thank you for reading and if you have any requests, feel free to ask me!
Seeya!
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Happy 28th! Here is my April 2024 fic rec, organized by word count, from longest to shortest. You can view my other fic recs here. Enjoy!
When All Is Said And Done by lovelarry10 / @chloehl10 (76k)
“You must be thinking of another of your ex-husbands,” Louis snapped back, and Harry stilled, slowly turning to face him. There was something almost dangerous in Harry's look then but Louis stayed firm, not cowering away.
“Thankfully, I only have the misfortune of one ex-husband,” Harry said darkly, snatching up the plates and slamming them onto the table. 
*****
Louis and Harry were married, but things fell apart, ending in divorce, broken hearts and separate lives. Years later, their paths cross once more, and time together forces old feelings to resurface. But is it too little, too late?
Greenhouses AU Series by TiredTiredTz / @tiredtiredtz (63k)
Glass Closets and Greenhouses (60k) Charlton Athletic defender Louis Tomlinson and worldwide sex symbol Harry Styles are rumoured to be hooking up after a viral video filmed at Harry’s Wembley show was posted online by Tommo’s twin sisters. Sources close to the pair tell us the couple have been dating for a while, with rumours of house hunting, marriage and even kids on the cards! Styles, 29, is as well known for his whirlwind love life as his chart topping music. Most recently linked to British fashion designer Alex Millet-Sloan, Harry has stayed tight-lipped on rumours of any romantic rendezvous between himself and footballer Tomlinson, 31, yet fans online are convinced that all evidence points to #Tomlinstyles being the real deal. Not Conditional (3k) Harry is bald and this is how I’m coping. Set a few years after the events of Glass Closets and Greenhouses.
It Feels Different When You’re With Me by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings (45k)
Harry fell in love with sign language as a kid. He never imagined the first love of his life would lead him straight to his second.
Every Lonely Place by HamPalpert (38k)
Facing the fact that he’s been prioritizing his career over his relationship, Harry proposes to his longtime boyfriend Louis on a whim. But when yet another work emergency takes precedence over their plans, Louis decides he’s had enough. Harry goes to bed drunk and alone, and when he wakes, he finds himself in an entirely different world. Over and over again, Harry visits a lifetime he’s once lived, across time and dimensions. And wherever there’s a Harry Styles, there’s a Louis Tomlinson.
The Act of Making Noise by suspendrs / @suspendrs (32k)
“Oh,” Harry frowns, waving him off. “No, I could never. I respect myself too much to sing for a living.”
It feels like a slap across the face, but Louis does his best not to stiffen, blinking once and then frowning. “What?”
“Those people are always so miserable, you know?” Harry says, hopping down off his stool and straightening his sweater. “There’s so much pressure on them, and they have to work so hard to keep up appearances, I can’t even imagine how difficult that is. I can���t even stand to listen to pop music today, let alone watch TV or read the magazines. It makes me so sad, thinking that those people, you know, the ones who actually went into it with heart, they only ever just wanted to make music and instead they got turned into things on leashes being paraded around to make money for other people,” he says. “Anyway, you can have the stool.”
Or, Louis's famous, Harry has no idea who he is, and they get snowed in together at a ski lodge in Vermont.
It’s About Time by kingsofeverything / @kingsofeverything (3k)
Best friends and roommates, Louis and Harry have been through a lot together, including law school for Louis, marriage and divorce for Harry. Their imminent eviction forces them to admit their feelings.
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lambtotheslaughterr · 6 hours
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Rise : Chapter Fifteen
A Rafe Cameron Series
[THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN THEMES OF NON-CON/DUB-CON, MENTAL-EMOTIONAL-PHYSICAL ABUSE, ETC. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. 18+. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT]
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WC: 4.7k
Dividers provided by @firefly-graphics
CHAPTER FOURTEEN | MASTERLIST | CHAPTER SIXTEEN
IMPORTANT NOTE* hey ya'll! just a reminder that my requests are OPEN. please read this POST before making any requests as i have rules in place. there are four spots left (which you will see at the bottom of the linked post). so get your requests in if you're wanting to use me;p
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            You taught yourself to not wish for the obvious in the end of times. You stopped wondering what ever happened to your parents, your friends, your neighbors. You quit hoping that someway, somehow, the world would heal itself & you would find yourself & millions of others back to some semblance of a normal life. But most off all, you didn’t dream about waking up from this nightmare. It was real. It was happening. And all you could do was run with it. But what you would spend your time wishing for is that time would move faster.
            The last week dragged by miserably. Though you were glad to have your own secure role in the group, it was oftentimes lonely. Those who scavenged were gone for days at a time, & those who didn’t worked together day-in & day-out. You were the only one who had this small corner of the building to yourself, & others rarely came to visit. One visitor you could always count on though was Rafe.
            Though you were still wary of him, of the truths he told you, you still welcomed his presence. It was your only real human connection in the midst of all the bullshit. But your relationship with Rafe was beginning to bother you.
            It wasn’t until a couple days ago when you were heading to the mess hall to get your lunch that you heard voices talking carelessly about you. The mess hall was large, where people sat to eat at the other end of it, but voices carried, & the voices that day were as clear as glass.
            Your assimilation to the group was being mocked. They welcomed you, at first. But that was only when you were working alongside them. Now, the others were beginning to resent you. You heard as such before entering the mess hall, pausing outside the door to listen.
            “Everyone knows that manning a radio is easy work. Boring, but easy.” One voice began. From what little interaction you had with the others, you thought it to be Enzo.
            “Don’t forget useless.” Another pointed out & the others chuckled at that.
            “Seriously. She doesn’t help at all. Rafe giving her that role was stupid, in my opinion. I mean, he told us when we got here that they were on the radio for days, only hearing recycled announcements. No one else is out there.”
            You frowned at that but you knew it to be true.
            “He just puts her there to keep an eye on her. He’ll bitch at us about pulling our weight but god forbid if he gives his whore a task worth doing.”
            Your heart slammed in your chest at the insult. These people weren’t your friends, but they were supposed to be your community. Now, every smile they gave you felt forced. Every greeting was just a means to keep the peace. They didn’t care about you, they thought so little of you. But perhaps they were right.
            Squaring your shoulders, you entered the mess hall, & the voices quieted instantly. But they played it off well.
            Maddy elongated her neck, spotting you over Enzo’s shoulder, “Hey, _____.”
            You waved a hand but said nothing in return. You gathered some food on your plate & got yourself a cup of water before leaving. You didn’t miss the judgmental scoffs as you did,
            “Guess she’s too good for us now.” They all laughed.
            Back down in the office, you threw your plate onto the desk, some food falling off. You weren’t hungry, but you couldn’t show weakness in front of them. You didn’t need friends. But the thought saddened you. Only a few months ago you had nine of them. But the world took the lives of half of them & the remaining few had little to say to you. Even Bear.
            You thought a lot about Bear. You’d often catch him watching you with a concerned expression. It wasn’t filled with annoyance or resentment like the others. But you rarely had time to speak to him. Rafe was always nearby to interject, send Bear to do a task or find some reason to talk to you. Deep down, you knew Bear was your only friend, but you didn’t know how to get alone with him.
            Downing your glass of water, you picked at your food mindlessly. The other were right though. After doing comms for a week there was nothing out there, no one. At first, you felt it was an important role & were happy to take it. But now, the others & their whispers were getting to you. You pushed your plate further back on the desk, your appetite lost.
            It was midday, the scavengers were expected to return at some point today, as long as everything went according to plan & it usually did. You hoped to sneak some alone time with Bear. And as you thought about it further, Micah, too. Yes, he hated you, that much was clear. His reasoning was ridiculous but you could live with it. However, he was the one who could get you partnered with the scavengers. He had Rafe’s ear. If you got his approval, you didn’t see why it wouldn’t lead to Rafe’s. Scavenging was, after all, a lot more useful than the comms. The others would quit shit talking then.
            You were beginning to doze off in your chair, the sound of white noise acting like a lullaby when it began to cackle & pop. You opened your eyes, confused & staring at the radio. It sounded like when you’re on the phone with someone & they forget to hang up, putting their phone in their pocket. All muffled movement. And then…
            “Come in, hello.” The voice was clear as day before the radio cackled some more, the signal weak.
            You rushed forward, knocking items off the desk in the process. You snatched the walkie connected to the radio.
            “Hello, hello.” You spoke back, your heart pounding. As far as you knew, no one had ever made contact with another on this radio.
            The radio continued to produce only white noise, but just underneath it all, you could make out the muffle of the voice.
            “We—” more white noise.
            “I’m here!” You gasped, grateful to hear others. But with the connection so weak you were fearful you wouldn’t get a location of where they were at.
            “Our connection is weak.” You shared, hoping they could at least hear you better than you them, “Where are you?”
            More muffling. More pops.
            The voice responded but it was too static to make out, the interference strong. You gripped the talkie tighter.
            Then, one word made it through.
            “—of Rockingham.”
            Dropping the walkie, you rolled your chair over to the back wall were a map of North Carolina was pinned, the edges fraying.
            Your eyes rapidly moved over the map. Rockingham. Rockingham.
            There!
            It was 60 miles south of Asheboro, a feasible hour drive. You returned to the desk, your voice frantic with excitement as you spoke into the walkie.
            “Where in Rockingham?”
            The radio only responded with white noise. You asked the question again.
            No. You couldn’t lose them. This was the first sign of life.
            “Hello, I’m losing you.” You shared. But there was no response.
            The radio only returned with it’s usual white noise. You tossed the walkie down in frustration. You had lost them. But it wasn’t all said & done quite yet. Glancing over your shoulder, you eyed Rockingham on the map. The voice had said ‘of Rockingham’. That left a lot to consider. East of Rockingham? West? And if so, how far in either direction? What was their nearest landmark? Or did they mean the Walmart of Rockingham? The precinct? The possibilities were endless. It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack.
            But it was something. The first something any of the group had had in weeks. You wouldn’t be useless. And more so, you could be the one to find them. You only needed to get Micah & Rafe on board.
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            Rafe joined you in time for when the scavengers returned. He still wouldn’t trust you alone with them. It aggravated you, but you couldn’t let it show. You needed him to think you were trustworthy.
            As Matt & Robbie passed off boxes & bags of what they found off to Micah & Bear, you & Rafe were in charge of bringing the goods inside. But shortly after you started, Adrianna appeared.
            “Rafe.” She stood in the doorway, her eyes hard, “We need you upstairs. Got a problem.”
            Rafe sighed heavily, “Can it wait? We just got started.”
            “I guess.” She shrugged, “I’ll just tell the others I won’t know how long till the water’s back on.”
            “Shit.” He groaned. It had been a nice surprise to learn that the Mill still had running water. But if they water supply was giving grief, it’d only be a matter of time before a domino effect happened.
            Rafe turned to you, “Keep bringing stuff in, alright?”
            “Yeah, alright.” You nodded. Rafe stepped forward, his hand on your shoulder as he leaned forward to leave a kiss on your temple. You forced a small smile up at him.
            Once Rafe & Adrianna were gone, you went back outside. This was your moment. You had to get Bear alone. You couldn’t trust Rafe with the information about the others. Not yet.
            Micah spotted you first, his expression always one of irritability.
            “Where the fuck is Rafe?”
            You nodded back towards the building, “Had other priorities.”
            “Fuckin’ of course.” Micah mumbled.
            On the ground was a pile of goods. But you wouldn’t be able to carry them all yourself. At the risk of appearing weak, you got Micah’s attention.
            “I’m gonna need help with these.” You gestured to the goods at your feet, “Bear can help me.”
            Micah glared at you, his eyes narrowed. But he ultimately shook his head, “Whatever, just make it fuckin’ fast.”
            Bear stepped away from the other side of Micah, helping you to gather what you could carry. He followed after you as you led him back towards the building. Once you were far enough away, you kept your voice hush.
            “Bear.” You began, “I heard people on the radio.”
            Bear looked at you with wide eyes as he glanced over his shoulder in Micah & the other’s direction.
            “Are you sure?”
            “Yes!” You whispered excitedly. Inside, you felt safer to speak louder. “They’re in Rockingham. Or near it. I’m not sure. The connection was weak.”
            Bear frowned but nodded. You two took your time putting the goods away.
            “We can go.” You told him, “Find them.”
            But Bear slowly shook his head, “That’s not a good idea.”
            Now, it was your turn to frown, “Why not?”
            Bear sighed, looking you deep in the eyes, “Because Rafe’ll kill them.”
            You returned his stare, “I wasn’t talking about Rafe…”
            It was then that Bear seemed to understand what you were saying.
            “You think we should leave?”
            “Yes.” You nodded, checking the window to make sure Micah & the others were still far away. “You & me, we’ll go. Leave here. Join others.”
            “I’m not against that, but…why?”
            “Because Rafe told me how he runs things. How he’s killed people. And I feel like he’s not telling me the whole truth.”
            “What has he told you?” Bear squinted his eyes.
            “Doesn’t matter. I don’t trust him. And he doesn’t trust us, that much is clear. So, I say we make a run for it. Head to Rockingham, see if we can’t find those on the radio. But if anything, at least were gone from here.”
            Bear leaned against the wall, contemplating your words. He nodded.
            “That’ll be tough, ya know. Getting out of here. Rafe keeps it tight.”
            “But you know how he runs things. I don’t. We’ll work together & get out.”
            He stared hard at the ground, “Are you sure, _____? Because if he finds out what we’re planning, there’s no saying what he’ll do.”
            “I know.” You nodded in agreement, “But I’ll feel safer out there with you then with all of them in here.”
            “Alright.” Bear stepped forward, his arms crossed over his chest, “We’ll do it. But we’ll need a solid plan. No fucking up.”
            “I know.”
            “Hey!” You both jumped as Micah suddenly appeared. His flashed between the two of you. “The fuck is taking so long?”
            “Sorry.” You mumbled.
            “Get back out there.” Micah growled. Bear gave you a look, one that said you two would talk later, before leaving the room. You were about to follow behind him when Micah stepped in your way.
            “What the hell were you two just talking about?”
            You eyed him innocently, shaking your head, “Nothing. Bitching, really.”
            “Yeah? About what?” Micah narrowed his eyes, his favorite look to give you.
            “Just life.” You gave a half-hearted smile.
            Micah leaned forward then, his voice low, “At least you have one.”
            The threatening undertone was there. He leaned back, meeting your eyes, “I’d be grateful.”
            “Of course.” Your voice was barely audible. Micah stared at you for a moment longer before finally stepping to the side to allow you to pass.
            You rushed forward, your heart thrumming inside your ribcage. Back outside you resumed loading goods inside but Micah was keeping a close eye on the two of you. It felt like you were back in school after having gotten caught passing notes in class. You were a bad seed. Micah wanted to rip your roots out.
            You were alone, finishing the final bit of unloading when Bear appeared. It was quick, but to the point.
            “He heard us.” Bear began, referencing Micah, “We leave tonight. Meet me in the back alley. There’s a hole in the wall near the room where Rafe kept me. Don’t bring anything with you, it’ll draw his attention.”
            “What?” There was no plan. It would be too dangerous, “But we—”
            “We go or we suffer.” Bear interjected. He was about to leave, in a hurry to not be spotted by Micah but you grabbed his arm.
            “When tonight?”
            Bear sniffed, “It’s gonna rain. You can see it in the clouds. When you hear the first thunderclap, go. I’ll set a distraction.”
            You nodded. Then he was gone.
            You swallowed a lump that was growing in your throat. This was really happening. You & Bear would be leaving. Your hands shook as you put items from the scavenging away.
            “What’s got you spooked?” You jumped slightly at Rafe’s voice behind you.
            Spinning around, you shook your head, “You were right about Micah.”
            Rafe’s eyes hardened at that, “What’d he do?”
            “Nothing.” You replied breathlessly, “Just scared me is all.”
            It was true, but it would also track if Rafe confronted him. He’d be focused on Micah, not you. And that’s what you needed.
            “What’d he do, _____?” He grabbed your elbow gently, but was firm in making you look at him.
            “Just said I should be grateful I have a life.” You mustered a smile, “See? So, nothing bad.”
            Rafe looked away, his eyes wide with fury, “Go upstairs. You’re done for the day. I’ll talk to Micah.”
            “Okay.” You went to move past him but he was still holding you.
            “I’d never let him hurt you, you know that, right?”
            “I do.”
            Rafe nodded then brought you closer. His mouth found yours, his lips warm. You forced yourself to return the kiss. At least you had him in your favor, & you’d be damned if you didn’t take advantage of it.
            “Go, I’ll see you in a bit.”
            With that, you parted from Rafe & walked away, hoping it wouldn’t be too long before you were released from him for good.
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            It was dark out. Heavy clouds rolled in & you sat in anticipation on your shared bed with Rafe. He had been gone for a couple hours. You had yet to see him, or Bear even. Your mind was racing at what was about to unfold. Bear said to wait for the first thunderclap, that he would set a distraction. But what kind? You sincerely hoped that with no planning, you would succeed in getting out.
            About twenty minutes later, Rafe finally appeared. He came into the room looking exhausted. You sat up in bed.
            “You okay?”
            He peered at you, giving you a half-smile before nodding, “Yeah, people are just dumbasses, ya know.”
            “Mmm.” You replied wordlessly.
            He approached you on the bed, crawling up it until he was beside you. You allowed yourself to relax as he brought you into his arms.
            “I talked to Micah.”
            That made your heart stop. If Micah did hear like Bear said so, what would he have told Rafe? You were no friend of Micah’s, he would have no reason to protect you.
            “Oh?”
            “Yeah, told him he better quit with the passive aggressive threats or it’ll be his life he’s gotta worry about.”
            You gulped. You didn’t want Micah dead. But it would be better him than you.
            “What else did he say?”
            Rafe sighed heavily, “Just bitched a lot. Nothing for you to worry about. He’ll come around. One day.”
            You hoped you would be long gone if that day ever came.
            Rafe slipped a hand under your arm, maneuvering you until you were situated atop him, straddling his hips. You didn’t like the positioning.
            His hands rubbed up & down your exposed thighs as he stared up at you. Your own hands were mindlessly placed on his stomach.
            “What?” You huffed out, giving an awkward smile.
            “You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?” He asked. Shit. Micah did hear something.
            “No.” You frowned, “Why?”
            “Like I told you before, some people want to drive us apart.”
            You needed him to trust you, to believe you would never betray him. If only for a little while longer.
            “They can’t keep us apart.” You told him, feeling brave enough to lean forward, “We belong together, remember? You told me that.”
            You ran your fingers along his jawline before threading them through his hair.
            “Yeah.”
            But he didn’t look entirely convinced. So, you took it one step further.
            Rafe sighed into your mouth as you kissed him, his hands gripping your thighs. You opened your eyes enough to see that his were closed. He was licked & nipped at your lips, hoping for entrance. You obliged. As his tongue massaged your own, you were suddenly flipped onto your back. Rafe grinded his hips into yours & a pulse shot up your spine.
            It felt wrong. All of it. You unlatched your mouth from his but he continued to kiss your jaw, neck, & shoulder as his hands slipped under your oversized t-shirt. You fluttered your eyes closed, trying to calm your heavy breathing. Rafe would view it as euphoria coming over you, but it was dread.
            He leaned upwards to rip of his own t-shirt before returning his body to yours. He cupped your cheek, making you look at him before he returned to kissing you. Bile rose in your throat but you forced yourself to keep it down.
            Rafe’s hands found the underside of your breasts, his fingers grazing the sensitive skin there. You gasped into the kiss, feeling him smile against your lips. He dragged his hips against yours, his evident arousal hitting your center nearly perfectly. You moaned reluctantly. But he took it as a means to go further.
            Before you could resist, Rafe lifted your top, removing it effectively from your body. You instinctively covered your exposed breasts but Rafe frowned, gently grabbing your wrists, “Nothing I haven’t seen before.”
            Your mind was racing, desperately searching for the memories that would back up his claims. But nothing turned up. Rafe kissed down your neck to the valley between your breasts. Your skin erupted with goosebumps as his mouth hovered over a pert nipple. When his tongue grazed over it, your body pushed up into his touch.
            “God, I’ve missed this.” He shared breathlessly.
            Words failed you, but your body was beginning to respond to his touch. His other hand reached below graze the edge of your underwear.
            No. No, no, no.
            Tears pricked your eyes. Please.
            A clap thunder boomed above, practically shaking the building. You yelped from the loud sound & Rafe’s teeth accidentally nipping your sensitive flesh.
            “Shh, calm down.” Rafe grinned, “It’s only a storm.”
            It was more than that, though. It was your time to go.
            “Rafe.” You pushed backwards, out of his arms, resting against the wall, “I’m not ready.”
            “What?” His hooded, heated gaze shifted into one of frustration, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
            “I’m sorry. It’s not gonna happen overnight.”
            “It’s been more than a night, it’s been a goddamn week!” He raised his voice, making you jump more than the thunder had.
            You stared at him wide-eyed, “I’m sorry, okay? I don’t what else to say.”
            “You don’t have to say anything.” He growled, shaking his head, “You don’t have to do anything. I can do all the work.”
            “What?” The fuck was he getting at?
            Rafe harshly gripped your ankle, dragging you back down the bed, “Nothing I haven’t done already.”
            “Rafe, no!” But he wasn’t listening. He was quick to snatch both your wrists in one hand, holding them above your head as his other hand reached for the button on his jeans.
            You shook violently beneath, trying to throw him off you with your hips but he was bigger than you, stronger, & quite literally, had the upper hand.
            “After everything I’ve done for you!” Rafe hollered as he moved to rip your underwear off, “This is the least you can do for me.”
            A cry tore from your throat as you lied bare before Rafe, your imprisoner.
            But just as he was shoving his jeans down his thighs, a sudden boom sounded, shaking the building. But this wasn’t thunder.
            “What the fuck was that?” Rafe mindlessly let go of your wrists, listening as you both heard panicked screams in the distance.
            “Rafe!” It was Adrianna in the hallway. “Rafe, hurry!”
            “Fuck!” He shouted, shoving himself off the bed, “Fuck, fuck!”
            Hurriedly dressing, Rafe had seemingly forgotten about you on the bed. You took the opportunity to search desperately for your clothes. You managed to get your underwear & t-shirt back on before Rafe focused his attention on you again.
            “You.” He pointed, “Stay here. I’ll be back.”
            You said nothing, your body shaking after what he was just about to do to you.
            “And when I come back,” He approached you, snatching your chin in his hand, “I’ll finish what you started.”
            Tears skipped down your cheeks, your chin quaking in his hold. You ripped your head away from him, but nodded. He didn’t need to know that you wouldn’t be here when he returned.
            Adrianna burst into the room then, her eyes briefly flashing to yours, taking in your state of dress before frowning slightly. Then she looked at Rafe, “There’s a fire out front, I think someone exploded your truck.”
            “Goddamnit! Let’s go.” Tossing you a look of warning, Rafe finally disappeared with Adrianna, the door slamming shut behind him. But then you heard the grinding pop of metal.
            Did he…?
            Racing forward, you tugged on the door. It wouldn’t budge.
            “No!” You banged on the door, pulling uselessly on it, hoping it would give. But it was locked securely.
            “Fuck.” You breathed out. Running to the dresser, you quickly slipped into a pair of jeans before throwing a pair of boots on. You grabbed a jacket folded over the back of a chair & slung an empty backpack over your arms. You couldn’t just sit here & wait. You still had to try.
            Another clap of thunder boomed above followed by the sound of heavy rain pelting against the windows. Rushing to windows, you cranked one open, the metal rusting as you did. You groaned painfully as you mustered all your strength to get it all the way open. Rain pelted you in the face, quickly soaking your hair as you leaned out. Rafe’s room faced the back alley where Bear would be.
            Leaning out, your looked up & down the alley but it was difficult to make anything out. It was too dark, rain was getting in your eyes, your hair was whipping you in the face.
            “Bear!” You screamed but you knew it wouldn’t carry against the rage of the storm.
            But then, at the mouth of the alleyway, you saw a figure. Bear. He was too far away to hear you.
            “Fuck, Bear!” You yelled again, but no luck. He wasn’t even looking in your direction.
            Panicking, you begun to look for anything outside the window you could use to scale down on. But there was nothing, no piping, no grips in the brick that would make getting down easier, no fire escape. Besides, in the chaos of the storm you’d likely fall anyway. But perhaps that’s what you had to do to get away.
            You peered down in the dark. It was only two stories. But it wasn’t the typical two stories. The walls were taller here. You’d at least have to jump two & a half to get down. But you had to. Without giving yourself to think on it, you gripped the center of the window, carefully leveraging yourself to swing your legs out.
            “Bear!” You screamed once more, hoping he would hear you. But as you peered through the darkness you watched as he took off around the corner. Away from the mill. He had waited for you. He couldn’t wait any longer, Rafe & the others would find him & kill him. You had to be quick if you were going to catch up to him.
            Breathing fast, you felt yourself stiffen, you needed to jump. Now! Before Rafe came back, before Bear was in the wind. Jump, _____! Jump! NOW!
            A scream ripped from your throat as you launched yourself out the window. The ground came fast, too fast, & you hit it, landing on your feet, but your ankles gave out & you collapsed to the ground.
            “Ahh, fuuuuck!” You screeched, reaching down to hold your ankles. They were pulsing. But you had to go. Heaving yourself up, you tested your ankles. They were sore, tender, likely having twisted them, but you couldn’t let that stop you. Limping, you began to move as fast as you could toward the end of the alley where you had last seen Bear.
            Please, don’t be far.
            You continued hobbling, desperate to get as far away as possible before Rafe discovered you were gone. You had just made it to the mouth of the alleyway, looking in the direction that Bear took off it. It was towards the woods. You had to get there fast.
            But just as you started limping in that direction, voices sounded behind you. The loudest was Micah’s. And it was growing closer. There was a few dumpsters to your left & you were quick to dive in between them, desperately hoping that the darkness would shield you from murderous intent.
            You tugged your legs to your chest, pressing yourself as much as you could against the brick. Micah’s voice was getting closer. Another voice joined his. Rafe’s.
            The storm continued to boom & flash & whip about, making it difficult for you to hear as their footfalls grew closer. And by the time you could, it was already too late.
            A bright light blinded you, forcing you to whine as you shieled your eyes from the flashlight.
            An impressed whistle came from behind the flashlight, “Well, look what I found.”
            The flashlight lowered & Micah stood before you, a deadly grin on his face.
            “I told you, man. Her & Bear were up to no good.”
            Rafe appeared then as he spotted you. The heavy rain had his hair stuck to his forehead. Another clap of thunder sounded followed by a bolt of lightning that lit up the alleyway. In that brief moment, you saw the look in Rafe’s eyes. And the wrath you saw there rivaled the storm.
            This was it for you. That much you accepted quickly. But you hoped Bear got away. But hope, as you knew, was a silly thing to cling to.
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alright, the second to last plot turn Rise will take before finishing strong.
as always, please share your thoughts with me via commenting, reblogging w reviews, or dropping an ask. don't leave ya girl hanging, i love to hear your thoughts!
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beau<3
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cleverthylacine · 6 hours
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Ship and HC what you want--but I hate Ravage & Soundwave parent-child headcanons so much. I'm finally gonna say it. They can be adult best friends rather than lovers, but the family thing makes my skin crawl. Here's why.
The following is just my personal opinion. Everyone who reads this is free to engage with it, but I don't want to fight about it, and I am not trying to make anyone give up their headcanons, whether those are romantic, sexy, familial, or just friendly.
(The Ravage I write in my fics and RP, like ES Ravage, prefers she/her pronouns. I am aware that Ravage uses he/him in other continuities.)
I am really freaking uncomfortable with most of the common familial headcanons about Soundwave and Ravage, Soundwave and his cassettes in general, and the whole cassette thing. And I will also die screaming before I tag erotic content between two fully sapient beings as "bestiality".
I would rather think of Ravage and Soundwave as bonded lovers (and the birds as her siblings) then think of Soundwave as either of the following:
An Abusive Father who sends his own children directly into the heat of battle out to fight as child soldiers; or
A Large Adult Son who allows his parent and her siblings to be mutilated so he can drag her off into places like mining colonies and war zones, where she ministers to his emotional needs while also fighting for him in the heat of battle, and has no life or relationships of her own.
Because no matter how many cat memes you draw, neither of those things is cute. You have the right to ship whatever you want to ship same as me, but I don't want to read either dynamic.
He is NOT the single father of the year if he's yeeting his children onto battlefields.
He is NOT a good son if his mother is telepathically linked to him, programmed so that he can yeet her out into battlefields in less than a second, and unable to have any romantic or QP partnerships of her own.
If he is her lover (conjunx) or her QPP (amica), and the meeting they had in Rodion was a meeting of two neurodivergent adults who learned how to help and support each other in dealing with their disabilities, and they both want to be together even in the depths of hell, then they have a much less horrific and unhealthy relationship.
I was once made to play IDW Ravage as not Soundwave's partner in a dreamwidth game because they didn't like the ship, and she was a miserable, unhappy person who had given up her entire life to serve Soundwave and Megatron.
This really solidified my feelings about not just why I think their relationship is romantic and adorable, but also why I think a parental relationship between them, going in either direction, is incredibly fucking gross.
Making them mutually interdependent neurodiverse adults with complementary support needs, who love each other in a mature way or even an 'adult' way changes the narrative.
If Ravage is Soundwave's life partner, then the forced cassettification has imposed a power differential on them, but it is significantly lessened by the fact that they were already together and interacting as grown-ass adults who loved each other before that took place.
In other scenarios, she's being thrown by her father up against mechs 4 times her size, OR she's a devoted parent who has been emotionally enslaved by cassettification and can't even have an adult relationship of her own because who the hell is going to want to be her partner knowing that she has an unbreakable telepathic link with her son? And you can't really say she's trading this emotional labour for protection when he's yeeting her out into the front lines every third episode.
IDK, I think glorifiying parents who send their children to war and enmeshed parenting that renders someone an appendage to their child is a lot less problematic than letting them meet as adults and learn how to help one another.
Every time I see someone draw humanformer Soundwave and Ravage as a collared pet, I want to scream, but I don't, because everyone has the right to write and draw what makes them happy.
My friends know NOT to send me links to art that diminishes Ravage.
Ravage may look like a cat, but she passes the Harkness test, and her entire arc in IDW was about getting people to respect her as an equal despite the thing where she looks like a cat.
Her brain and spark are equal to that of any other Cybertronian. It's not bestiality. There's no reason a telepath would care more about the shape of her body than the feel of her mind.
I would rather think that she's getting love and respect and hot overloads from Soundwave than think that she's selflessly devoted to him and to Megatron for all of her days until Tarn locks her into that fucking refrigerator. Or think that she's a child soldier.
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junkdyke · 6 months
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i do believe that pursuing romantic connection at all times and making it top priority is a huge distraction and gets in the way of so much. I've seen it happen with myself, and I've seen it happen with friends, where it takes away from everything you could and should be doing. Going on a trip that should be fun, but you're crying and feeling down the whole time because you're concerned with how that person is texting you. Not focusing on work or projects because you're so preoccupied with trying to see this person or stressing about how things are going with them. And you don't see how much it takes away from your life until you really eliminate it as a factor altogether. I've had chunks of my life put off because romantic pursuits came first. I've seen people wanting more for themselves, but not working on that because they're putting all their effort and energy into another person instead. Months later, still single and still not working on their career or going learning the skill they talked so much about.
The best people to date imo are people who are their own complete selves. Who have worked on themselves and their lives so they have something going on, something they're passionate about or proud of. Ambitions, goals, or a love for something that fulfills them. If you seek fulfillment in someone else, you will get burned. Be okay with being by yourself. Become the kind of person who simply wants someone else, not needs someone else.
And work on your friendships!!!
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zero-a · 1 year
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people will go all "just be yourself and love yourself! :)" and then go "if you don't act the way i want, you gotta reprogram your entire way of thinking then reach into the very core of who you are and what makes you you, discard it, and replace it with this better, friendlier, more empathetic version that's coincidentally far more convenient for me to deal with than any other possible compromise we can make that you can do for me but doesn't stretch your mind to nothing but thin bands of what you'd consider 'You' :))))))"
#mine.txt#just thinking about all those 'think positively!' and 'romanticize your life!' posts#like on one hand i can see their merit cause self-hatred though instinctual is ultimately detrimental to your mental health#but on the other hand...some of them (a lot of them) are really just unashamedly asking other people to completely change themselves huh#all in the guise of ''positive thinking'' ''self-love'' and ''betterment'' no less#i suppose i shouldnt be surprised considering most people can barely grasp the concept of someone who Genuinely has muted emotions#as a natural state instead of a depressive symptom#not to mention the human quality of escalating things#so ofc tumblr which seems to currently be in its mental health recovery phase would naturally lean in so hard towards ''radical happiness''#but man sometimes i really do just wanna shake the person from behind the screen and say#'no! dont you understand! this is just how i am! stop implying that everybody who doesnt feel joy at simply waking up is a miserable hag!'#sometimes they dont even imply it they just straight up say it 💀#im honestly fine (as in idc) with seeing them but they remind me so much of those toxic positivity bitches that sell you random hoaxes#and tell you that youre ''ruining their vibes'' when youre not just beaming like the sun every waking second#well idc most of the time that is#sometimes they just trigger my szpd (and my dpd weirdly enough)#with the szpd obviously i dont like being told what to do and what to feel and having some rando assume things about me#but with the dpd its like#oh i must be doing something wrong ofc this stranger on the internet knows more about emotions and feelings than me#cause im a dumbass who doesnt Feel things therefore i must do what they say even to my own detriment#this mainly applies to those guilt-trippy ones so ive learned to steer clear of them#possibly even block the op
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popcornsalty · 2 months
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Okay important and genuine message from me. I'm not much or often a poster on timblr but if I can give a sincere message. It's to have varied interests. Be into multiple things at once. It doesn't have to be the same intensity for all of them or level of interest or whatever. Hell not all of it has to be good. Just have multiple things to look forward to and care about
#poke post#was watching a long ass video essay recently#n it finally mqde smth click for me coz like#one of the most miserable times in my life was when i was in the ds/mp era#because it and associated content creators were all i was into! so when shit was hitting the fan a long long time before i left#i was left in just the worst relationship to what was to be a comfort#and now fast forward a few years and. its like. im reading books. im going outside. im playing games. im drawing things. i curate my time#online very scrupulous because if i dont its easy to end up sad#which for me was starting to happen w/ q/s/mp#and so i was able to leave#because i have friends and shit outside of it and things i can talk about other then it#and its so freeing#which is to say. just. try to carve out time for more then one interest or thing at a time if you can#there are things you can do!! look up top 10 books in a genre!! order them off a library!! log off your socmeds for a while!! fuck!!#its not easy but its so worth it i promise it is.#+ also moreover please always remember my friends you are never obligated to engage in things if they make you unhappy. its always okay#to check and see if something brings you more joy then discomfort#take care everyone take care of yourselves#no one else can do it for you#anyway i will now go back to. my book :3 ive been reading the g/olden compass. havent finished yet so no spoilers#feel free to ask me about it ill probably get to it tmrw#also some things im looking forward to:#more on/e piece more wi/tch hat a/tieler ram the next stream of this small streamer ive been into#the next novel by this mid author i liked as a kid-#the next ep of du/nmeshi anime#and more and more#and sometimes i forget to have a thing to look forward to#and must find something new again again#its worth it#also yea no this is incoherent hope someone gets smth out of it tho
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pepprs · 7 months
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it’s yom kippur now and im not supposed to eat anything until sunset tomorrow but ive had a headache all day and rn its fucking SPLITTING but im 5 hours into the fast and i don’t know what to do. eating something would probably make me feel better but it’s yom kippur and i don’t have a longstanding ailment that would prohibit me from fasting or whatever it’s just i woke up with a headache that has gotten worse throughout the day and now the fast has started but it’s the worst it’s been all day. idk what to do. i need to eat something but i can’t
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im2tired4usernames · 2 months
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My parents should be fuckin ashamed
#you borrow 80 bucks then can only find me 21 back then i put that 21 into good for your kids then spend the rest of my paycheck getting#diapers pull ups medicine more food for kids and then i fill up the 15 passenger van and then when dad asks why i don't have money to eat#on my lunchbreaks at work like I'm some over spending wild irresponsible bitch when he's the one going to concerts and paying for fancy dat#s and jewelry for his gf and buying groceries for her but you know it's fine#take all my time and energy#so that i literally am a zombie and fall asleep on the very very very limited free time i get#(after doin extra chores to earn said free time)#wo that i fall asleep half way in which isn't fair to my partner and isn't fair to me#take all my income so i cant afford anything#take all my time#take all my energy#YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED YOU GROOMED ME AND MESHED THE FAMILY'S ENTIRE LIFE STYLE FOR ME TO BE LIKE THIS#I CANT MAKE HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS BECAUSE I JUST CAN NOT FUNCTION IF I'M NOT GIVING EVERYTHING TO SOMEONE#IT SUCKS I HATE IT#THEY'LL NEVER ADMIT THEY FUCKED ME OVER#EVER#THEY'LL NEVER DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT OR CHANGE#AND I HAVE NO HOPE FOR ANY CHANGES#MY LITTLE SIBLINGS SEE WHAT I DO FOR THEM AND THEY HUG ME AND TELL ME HOW MUCH THEY LIVE ME#'thank you so much for taking care of us' that tell me all the time 'you do so much for us'#it breaks my heart i wish i could give them the world i love them so much they deserve so much better#my mom lost her chance to be decent my dad better learn soon otherwise all his kids minus his favorite will hate him#i love ny parents#and i know they live me and my siblings#but they groomed me into the most miserable personification of elder daughter syndrome and they should be ashamed for what they've done#and be ashamed that they sucked so bad that they're own child had to step up
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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months
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...
#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated
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kittyhazelnut · 1 year
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You have to kidding when you say lokius or whatever is the superior Loki ship? Just because you ship it that doesn't make it superior. On top of that Mobius is the ugliest person to ever ship loki with
man, fuck off. someone asked me my opinion on Loki ships and I responded with my opinion on Loki ships. this is that whole "everyone on tumblr is chronically online and thinks every post must be About Them Specifically" bullshit I was talking about earlier. a girl can't even call her fav ship superior in her own post about her own ships without some asshole getting mad that I didn't account for Every Single Marvel Fan's Opinion Ever. make your own post about your own favorite Loki ship if you're this bitter idfc just go away
#also imagine thinking 'he's ugly' is a good defense about why you don't like a ship?#especially when that ugly person is Owen Wilson as Mobius M Mobius‚ the most precious bean of all precious beans???#when i look at Mobius I don't even see Mobius okay when I look at Mobius i see a being who descended from the heavens#Jesus Himself wept the first time He saw Mr. Mobius M. Mobius because He knew He would never live up to this man#I don't see how you can be upset with *me* for seeing Mobius for the beautiful wholesome fantastic man he is#is it my fault that you're too blind to see the complete and utter adoration Mobius has for this man‚ this god‚ this BEING he's been#searching for for years? is it my fault that you don't understand how deeply and hopelessly in love Mobius fell before hed even met a Loki?#your ignorance to the greatest love story of all time reflects only on yourself‚ anon‚ not on me#fr tho jokes aside i dont give a fuck what you ship and what you don't ship just keep that shit to yourself and your anti community#like why do you hate happiness anon?#when taylor swift said 'i want to be defined by the things that i love‚ not the things i hate‚ not the things that im afraid of‚ the things#that haunt me in the middle of the night‚' she was handing you a guide on how to be less of a miserable fuck and you just threw it out the#window#I'm not even mad man i just feel bad that your life is so miserable you gotta send mean anons about pointless shit#(also the fact that i wrote a whole paragraph praising thorki and you had an issue with my one sentence about lokius is embarrassing 💀)#look i have an ask#i need to stop posting at night because this was a lot of tags for an ask that I'll forget about in 20 minutes lmao
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#mom says that the reason she didnt comfort me while i was having one of the biggest meltdowns of my life was cus i wouldnt tell her what was#wrong and i clearly was capable#like i hate to tell you but just because im technically capable doesnt mean i can communicate easily#im too upset to be able to communicate my thoughts to you about why im upset#she literally told me that its annoying when i cry and scream without telling her whats wrong#she said and i quote I could ask anyone in the world and all of them would be annoyed by this#she said if i just said Sorry i cant calm down i cant talk right now that would be fine like hello? is that not fucking obvious?#i said wouldnt this (being a more concerning thing) make you more sympathetic and she said no it just makes me more annoyed and this is the#normal response#she said even when normal people are throwing up and retching they can communicate whats wrong#that im just pretending to not be able to talk to her to manipulate her and that im being disrespectful by intentionally getting louder and#more disruptive#my parents are convinced i do things on purpose to guilt trip them all the time and i dont understand it because theyve known me for#my whole life and thats the most out of character thing i could ever possibly do but they wont even consider that im not doing that#i asked her why she didnt believe me when i said i wasnt manipulating her and she said I do believe you! when did i ever say i didnt#i dont understand. shes convinced that every normal person behaves like her#and the worst of it is i know shes trying her best and yet still refuses to acknowledge the fact that#I DONT FUCKING MAKE MYSELF MORE MISERABLE ON PURPOSE!#she doesnt seem to understand that overreaction can be conscious and still unavoidable#like yes its not like if i tried i absolutely couldnt calm down and talk to you#but thats not helpful! i dont WANT to try because i am screaming so hard that mythroat will be sore for an entire day!#because i am upset!#i am too upset to care that i can tecxhnically stop#i just dont understand why its so hard to believe im not manipulating her when im genuinely upset#i dont understand why she looks at me like a loose screw. something annoying but not something worth fixing#its always bad enough to warrant anger and never bad enough to warrant a solution#because im crazy but im fine and im not disabled at all
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wrecking · 8 months
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edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore
#d#my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is#i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i#cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things#and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness#and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person#instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo#and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me#that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now#and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just#processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others#and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik#there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig#which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think#idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like#what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is#just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like#i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it#like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess#not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others#this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head#i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore#which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it#i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust#and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on#maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things
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spaceaudio · 8 months
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boston2 anniversary is kind of crazy
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theghostofashton · 1 year
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Having these soup talks posts is like starting to say one thing getting distracted and then going into deep grief and now I have to rewrite the actual post part of this. These feel like headings for the actual post
#i had one tag about my tag system and then went into this:#also very miserable being so much less open than I usually am since my entire friend group has my url#strong believer of if ur a native tumblr user it’s fine we can be friends but if u just wanna find me bc it’s funny it’s genuinely upsetting#lulu u r here as an honored guest welcome native user#i miss talking to you guys a lot#this was the only place I could actually voice my thoughts but </3#I don’t know there’s not even really a point in making a different blog bc my wishes aren’t gonna be respected#like. i have said all throughout the years do not look for me. i will be very upset by this#i laugh when I’m uncomfortable so apparently when everyone was looking for me and I was laughing that was considered permission#i am friends with my friends but I am not as open with them as I am here#nor do I wish to be. I’ve always been huge on privacy since it was neglected my entire life#so hi gamers. if you’re reading this know that I am upset I was upset the entire time said so and you’re still here#I’ve told you for years I didn’t want you here and this was the only space I had#and yeah I make jokes about it but only bc there isn’t a single other thing I can do other than delete the thing I care about the most#and I know for the most part y’all had your fun you found me looked around at what I do#one of you promised you wouldn’t come back I believe that. one of you quite frankly I’m surprised you don’t have an account but either way#i don’t think you’ll be around again unless I directly send you a post off my blog#I’m fine with that. quite frankly it might make my life a little easier#but the one with an account made just to find me and get around me being unsearchable?? idk that I’m gonna just get over that anytime soon#especially being like oooh look but not at my url bc you’ll block me and I want the option to look at ur blog#in the moment I didn’t think I cared that much but apparently I do! a lot! i just wanted to be left alone#and really what can I say? hey that really hurts my trust and the more I think about it the more detrimental it is?#i can’t just send a text out of the blue that’s like hey I am upset about this#and I mean. I’m posting on a public account. i always ran this risk if my wishes were disrespected. i just didn’t think they would be#and it’s stupid to be crying over this but when I’m always so stressed out about keeping up multiple different facets of personality this#was the one place I didn’t have to do that and now I do#not to be dramatic but it’s like losing the only piece of myself I loved#soup talks
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