#people saying stuff like ''she could look so much better if...'' while being fatter than the person they're talking about

[gender-euphowrya]

i know our fatphobic cultures have deepfried and glassblown people's brains but it always boggles my mind when a fat person is fatphobic ??? what are you doing

#i mean like #your overweight aunt telling her daughter who's slimmer than her to lose weight #fat middle-aged women in the street making a face at a young fat girl in a crop top #people saying stuff like ''she could look so much better if...'' while being fatter than the person they're talking about #couples of equivalent sizes turning each other's weight into a punchline #like. this isn't something that makes my life any harder so as annoying as it is i don't feel the need to address it #but nobody in my family seems to get that I Do Not Care what weight i am #i've put on weight over the last year or so and when i say it's not an issue to me #my mom & grandma just act like... it should be ??? like i should be feeling awful and beating myself up over it ???? #shouldn't you be GLAD that i'm not ? that i'm not stuffing myself with celery and then puking it up ? #that i'm feeling comfortable ? that i'm not depressed over it ? that i think i look just fine ?? #meanwhile mom's way heavier than me and used to be even more before she had An Entire Surgery to lose weight #i mean. both my parents were fat. it's genetics. i'm never gonna be stick thin. i do not care ??? #i'm gonna look like harvey guillen jack black matt berry y'know ?? all men people find attractive ?? what's there to worry about #AND EVEN THEN. even if we lived in a nightmare world where people had shit taste and found them ugly #still wouldn't make it a problem ? idgaf what people think of my appearance ?? i'm vibing

[d1et-cok3]

Hey so i know i haven't posted in a month or two and im sorry about that but for like all of November Ive been in a binge cycle and i cant stop its genuinely scares me how much i eat and im constantly hungry i an feel my body begging for food and Ive recently started looking forward to meals which is terrifying i can see myself getting fatter instead of skinnier and it makes me wanna die i just want to stop eating but its getting so fucking hard to even skip one meal then i get home i eat more its like all my self control is gone and all my progress is going down the drain im horrified of getting back into the 170s i was so huge and at least right now im not as big as before but Ive been smaller even though i never really been small in the first place Ive been fat all my life and i need to break the cycle and be the skinniest one in my family and friend group i want to look pretty in clothes and be able to shower without wanting to drown myself right then and there and i cant help but notice how many times Ive said im getting back on track but it never works i miss my honeymoon phase when i dropped like 15 pounds in a month then it all just kid of froze and i gained and dropped the same weight for like 3 months and now im gaining even more and it feels like im suffocating in it in all of the food i eat and my fat i miss almost passing out when i stood up and always being dizzy i miss the dread when it came to eating not me squealing like a pig in excitement i can tell its bad when i finish my food or get seconds or eat faster or let myself get dirty plus i broke my phone so i cant track everything as efficiently especially because of school and its been really hard and i don't have a scale and i can feel clothes that were getting looser getting tight again and its mortifying i want to die or just bleed out i want to cut all the fat out of my body and just be skinny i know i need to love the process but its hurts and this cycle has hurt me worse physically and mentally then starving ever did i miss bruising easily being pale and looking like i hadn't slept or ate in days i wish that i didn't give in so easily its embarrassing how sometimes i ask if someones hungry and they say no but i eat anyway my brain still judges people for being fat when there skinnier than me and it hurts because i wish that i could be that skinny and eat food without gaining its not fair people in my school say that they wanna be fat or gain lots of weight and i tell them why they don't but they don't understand how much worse literally my whole life is because of it sorry about my ramble i just am struggling to cope with his and a lot of shit is happening in my life and me losing control is not helping i hope this is the last time i have to say this but i am going to be getting my life together and i will be skinny my goal was to be skinny by Christmas while i know that cant happen now kms but i can be skinnier and i can be better then now i hope to weigh less than my sister for once and get the smaller size unlike now when i bet a size bigger every time people will buy us stuff and she gets a small and i get a medium and there like i hope it fits like im not that fat damn but there right Jesus that was a lot to type anyways wish me luck and i really hope this works ill try and update you on my progress but i might forget lol. bye thank you.

November 29th 2023

#tw ed diet #tw ana trigger #tw disordered eating #tw ana diary #an0r3c1a #thinspø #pro a4a #ed not sheeren #ed no sheeran #st4rv1ng #rant #im not okay #sk1nn1

[womanofwords]

Dhar Mann videos backfiring #4

It’s been a while since I last posted about Dhar Mann, but here I am anyway! I’m back with another Dhar Mann post, this time about a video called ‘Customer FAT SHAMED At BUFFET, What Happens Next Is Shocking’.

It starts out with a buffet (obviously) where Carie, the antagonist, decides to just get up from her food after merely looking at the fat woman, Jackie, at the counter. From there, the fatphobic microaggressions start, with lines such as “You’re really taking advantage of the system there, aren’t you?” and “Leave some for the rest of us, OK?”

It continues on in a similar vein, only stopping temporarily so she can bring a server into the conversation so she can ask if Jackie will get charged double for eating more food than everyone else. He says no, telling them that everyone gets charged the same regardless of how much they eat.

She also brings another patron into the conversation, comparing the other customer’s body to Jackie’s and saying that the other customer had to be better at controlling the amount of food they ate on a day-to-day basis.

When Jackie asks what Carie’s problem is, Carie responds, “My problem is with lazy people, like you. You probably come here twice a week, [and] stay here for hours just gobbling up everything you can find.”

When Jackie points out that she’s only here for a business meeting, Carie just goes “What business would that be? To try and get on disability so you can further take advantage of the system?”

It continues on with more plot-relevant stuff about Carie being here for an interview. A server takes a plate that Carie already had and asked her if she was done with it. She rudely says yes and snatches it away. The plate has a large amount of food on it, and Jackie comments about portion control.

A man in a white coat walks up to her and asks what she is holding, which she hides from him. He sees it and chides her for eating so much, telling her that she looks so good after the weight loss surgery. I’m pretty sure discussing medical information so openly is a violation of HIPAA. When Jackie questions Carie about what the doctor just said, she lies and says her body is from working out at the gym and Jackie is probably just one of those lazy fat people who “sits around shoving their face with Haagen-Dazs ice cream all day, and then complain about how fat you are”. And then two people from her high school find her and openly talk about her weight loss procedure, making it very clear that she had a weight loss procedure. They pull up a Facebook picture of Carie from a year ago that looks much fatter than Carie now, which I am going to assume is either Photoshop or the actor wore a fat suit for the sake of one picture.

Once they’re gone, Carie snaps at Jackie and goes “Don’t get mad at me because I can afford the surgery. Maybe if you did something other than shove your face full of food, you’d be able to afford it too.”

From there, nothing really noteworthy happens, other than it conveniently being that Jackie, the fat woman that Carie was mocking earlier is the president of Hot Topic, meaning Carie never gets the job she was here for. Because she never gets that job, she can’t continue to make payments on her weight loss surgery. Also, she spills food onto her top, because karma.

Now on to the critiques I have. First, big helpings of fatphobia. The idea that fat people are lazy, spend all their time eating and whine about why they’re not losing weight while doing nothing to solve the problem (the problem being their own fatness) themselves. Also, some ableism and classism to really round out the video, because why not? /s. The casual notion that disabled people are faking their disability and/or mooching off government assistance is something used in Dhar Mann videos more than once. And the classism being used by Carie about how she could afford to have surgery, and Jackie could also afford it if she worked hard instead of being lazy like most fat people. I’m only going to say this once.

Not all fat people can afford surgery, and not all fat people want one. Stop assuming they do.

However, if a fat person wants to have surgery to lose weight, then that’s OK because it’s their body. Also, surgery may make losing weight much easier, but that doesn’t mean someone can just continue with the diet they had and lifestyle they were living before the weight loss.

In conclusion, Dhar Mann’s video has a lot of issues and the same moral as always: don’t make fun of people in case they’re rich or become rich later, because they won’t help make you rich if you made fun of them before.

#dhar mann videos are ridiculous #dhar mann is a cringe ass nae nae baby

[jktummies]

Party fun:

“Hnng tae that’s too tight!”

She simply hummed at her boyfriends whining as she fastened the button on his pants.

“Would’ve fit better if you didn’t decide to stuff yourself this whole week. I swear babe you get fatter with each day.”

Taehyung smirked as she grabbed his fat stomach that stuck to far out and dropped it causing the seams of his shirt to scream.

“TAE!”

She giggled as jin wore a worried expression fat hands trying to stop his jiggling mass “oh come on babe we both know you’re gonna pop those buttons by the end of the night.”

Immediately a blush crept up jins neck. His girlfriend was probably right but tonight was important he couldn’t let himself pig out.

Today was his new jobs commencement party. He couldn’t blow this; he was lucky enough to find a job after graduation and even more lucky for it being a well recognized company. Secondly most corporate companies would look at his weight and immediately decline but this one saw past jins massive frame and focused on his work.

So for tonight he had to be under control

Jin grunted going to sit down; bed immediately creaking and molding itself to his gigantic ass.“Not tonight babe, I can’t blow this.”

He watched as tae slipped of her shorts and tank to start putting on the dress that fuck- really hugged her body. Jin could just imagine what they’re gonna say when they find out someone like her is with well him.

That got him excited and he knew tae loved it as well.

“Sweetheart zip me up.”

Groaning he began to rock back and forth in order to get up. He seemed to able to lift his feet on the fourth try, waddling towards tae.

It was such a huge turn on to see how stomach touched her back before even his hands could. His fat fingers trying to reach for that little zipper was comical.

After ten mintues of tae grabbing jins fat ass and another ten of tae having a blast watching Jin trying to tie his shoes before taking pity on the fat man they left for the party.

—————-

Jin noticed the eyes immediately. He was used to the stares he got already at the office but with tae by his side it was intensified.

The way she had her arm interlocked with his while the other rested on his big tummy. God he can see how they whisper about them. His dick is for sure twitching

Not to brag but Jin had been stuffing himself every day after work. Tae was still studying at college and so she often was to tired to cook something and Jin came home late now with his new job so cooking had been neglected.

For the past few days takeout and dramas have been the couple time they’ve been getting and that usually ended with Taehyung on his lap stuffing everything into him as he burped and farted to make more room.

so needles to say but the suit may be a lot more tighter than when he got it last Saturday. Not to mention these pants are squeezing the life out his his thighs and ass right now.

Still he’s greeted none the less by his superiors and he doesn’t know how to feel when their eyes seem to wander straight to tae.

She smiles and bows but her hand never stop rubbing and patting his stomach.

It’s not until the night goes on and he’s had a few glasses of champagne where he begins to feel an irk as more moments like these occur.

He knows tae is hot and he knows that ever since he’s packed on the pounds most people question “why him?”

But tae always tells them off making his heart beat even faster than when he first met her.

Still jin feels scared at moments. That one day tae is gonna wake up and see him as a fat freak and leave him.

He especially feels that right now seeing two skinny, attractive males at his office talk to his girlfriend meanwhile he went to grab his third plate of snacks

Minho and Seojoon are attractive no doubt and tae, fuck tae for sure is pretty but he can’t help but sneer at how they’re talking to his girlfriend damn it!

Tae seems to sense it knowing Jin like the back of her hand as he makes eye contact with him in his mod shovel of a turkey wrap. Giving him her beautiful smile and motioning him to come over.

So he waddles there with all he’s got. Immediately Minho and Seojoons faces fall. But tae beams at him, “gentlemen this is my boyfriend who works in your department.”

Jin can’t help but smile fat cheeks bunching up as tae calls him her boyfriend not afraid to say that word to others. He coughs putting his plate down to shake their hands.

“Yep that’s me, how are you guys.”

They splutter unable to comprehend. Still they shake his fat hand.

“This dude is your boyfriend?!”

Taehyung beams, “yes he’s a pro when it comes to computer engineering. Anyways it was nice meeting you guys but I’m tired.”

She waved goodbye as she grabs jins wrist and drags them into the hallway.

“Ugh babe you work with suck pricks, you’re lucky I love you; work parties like these suck.”

Jin can’t even begin to explain what had just happened. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe someone like tae would date someone like him.

He guesses he’s very out of it since he doesn’t come back until taes snapping her fingers in his face and that’s when he notices their in the company family bathroom.

“Um babe?”

She hums noticing jins confusion. “What you think you can look that good and big in this suit and not let me suck you off?”

Jins jaw dropped and he couldn’t help but release the whimper as she dropped to her knees.

“Tae please… not here”

He know she doesn’t sound convincing either way tae smirks at him. Fingers working at his belt. “Should��ve thought about that before dragging me here and watching your belly scream to be set free.”

His pants are unbuttoned in a flash, fat pad and lower belly dropping free.

“Fuck Jin you’re so hot.”

His dick is already leaking at the compliment and the way she grinds down her nails on his gigantic stomach after unbuttoning his shirt feels undeniably good.

His hips snap as she fondles his balls, fat body immediately jiggling.

“Cant even see your dick anymore, have to look for the tiny thing under all this fat.”

He whimpers, arm coming to suppress his sounds.

She trails her lips up and down the angry stench marks leaving little kisses.

His hand can’t cover the loud moan he lets out when she has him in her grip. She gives him a tug other hand lifting up his fat pad and stomach.

“So small sweetie, you were so much bigger before could feel it as soon as you put it in me. Now you’re just a big fat boy right?”

“Yes tae please- y-our big boy”

“My piggy just wants me to eat him up right?”

“Fuck- tae”

He can’t help but bucks his hips as soon as she put him in her mouth. His fat stomach molding her face into it.

She licks the tip, tongue sliding along the base as she begins to bob her mouth. Face colliding with his fat pad as she takes him all the way down

“Fuck- fuck babe”

She hums sending ripples of pleasure up his body. It just can’t stop rippling

It only takes a few more minutes before Jin is coming down her throat. And of course she makes eye contact with him as she swallows.

Complete fucking menace.

He does his best to bend down to help her up immediately pulling her run to his fat chest and squishing her there. She hums and gives his moobs a peck.

He can’t help but kiss her hard, tasting himself.

“Liked that big boy?”

He hums pecking her lips, “loved, now let’s go home so I can fuck you.”

#they’re back #kinda more fluff #they’re just in love #sorry it’s so late #kinda trash lmaooo #missed the community #tae and jin 🥲 #my female tae and Jin ship will die with forever

[real-american]

Supernatural: A dedication to its memory and how the show changed my life

Fifteen Years. 15 years and over 300 episodes of the greatest show on TV. 15 years of joy, heartache, tears, fun and inspiration; and for me, 15 years, two marriages one divorce, two tattoos and a show that brought me the love of my life. Supernatural has impacted us all on so many levels. I could easily write a 15 page academic paper on the seasons, the meanings behind each season and all the little things that made the show so great. Things such as the music, the brothers Winchester, the family dynamic, and the beautiful 1967 Chevy Impala (my dream car should I win the lottery. Black four door version of course). I could go on about each major and minor character, how they impacted the show and what each of them meant to me and the fans but this is not what this is about. This post is about how Supernatural changed my life and how it impacted me.

First a few housekeeping things to address regarding the final season and the series finale. I thought the pre finale show was excellent but definitely could have been longer and included more. However I do understand they only had 42 minutes or so to cram 15 years of memories and characters in so I understand they had to only hit the highlights. They should do a longer version for the Blue Ray 15 season collectors set which I'm sure they will make and that I am definitely getting. Regarding the final season, I thought it was excellent. My wife, who is also a big fan of the show (more on her later) didn't think it was as good as other seasons but enjoyed it none the less. The ending was good sort of expected with the two boys ending up in heaven together, but I was surprised they killed Dean in the sort of nonchalant way they did. Sort of anti climactic for the greatest hunter in the world. The final speech to Sam was heartbreaking and heartfelt and I loved it! I also loved the symmetry of how Sam's son Dean also gave him permission to leave this world as Sam gave (original) Dean all those years later. I'm glad they didn't show who Sam's wife was and she was just left as a mysterious place holder. Originally I thought maybe they should have had him with Eileen but in retrospect the way they did it was better and honestly I'm not sure if she (or the other AU folk) were even brought back with the rest of the world. Maybe someone can clear this point up for me. I was really surprised they didn't do the "carry on my wayward son" beginning but I soon figured out before it even happened they were going to do it in the end of the episode which turned out to be much better. All in all I give the last season an A- and the finale and how it ended an A+ Again there is a lot to say about the final season, the final episode, and all the seasons but I will leave that analysis to other people. This is about what the show meant to me specifically about how it helped me through my darkest days and ushered in my brightest of days which I am living now. This is that story.

I wasn't with Supernatural from the very beginning. The show premiered in 2005 and I honestly hadn't heard anything about it or did I know anything about it for a few years. I came off active duty from the Marine Corps in June of 2005 and after fighting my beloved country's wars for a few years I was out of the loop on many things. I first came across Supernatural on TNT catching a re run here and there but with no real interest and only getting bits and pieces of the story. In 2010 I met my first wife and was a casual fan at this point seeing enough re runs on TNT to get a general idea of the storyline for the first few seasons but again only as a casual fan. At this point of my life I was also falling down a dark hole. My alcoholism which is a result of my PTSD from my combat service started to get really bad. I was drinking more than most people could handle but as my father was, highly functional. This led to me staying with and eventually marrying my first wife which was a bad idea. She cheated on me constantly and probably didn't even really love me. We were also polar political opposites (you can figure out my political viewpoints from the rest of my blog) and not compatible really in the least. Why I ever stayed with her and married her is beyond me at this point in my life. So there I was drinking my life away in a bad relationship and trying to figure out how to manage my life. Then Supernatural came on Netflix and I decided to give it a real shot. This decision changed my life.

I quickly caught up on the first six seasons and started watching the show live starting with season 7. I was hooked. I loved everything about it. Dean and Sam, Cass the car, the brotherly love, the monsters, the angels, everything but I still didn't know how this show would impact me in the end. I continued to drink myself to death getting unhealthier fatter and no longer resembling the fit Marine I once was. I was in a constant haze drinking an entire bottle of whiskey every night to drink away the pain of my bad marriage and the pain of not being loved and cheated on by my wife. Supernatural was the one bright spot in my life.

In 2014 I finally divorced my wife but this was only the first step. I continued to drink and destroy my life causing me to get fired from my job. Fortunately I was hired on back into government work making much better money and with having no wife and no kids was finally able to live a little better financially but I was lonely and alone except for the alcohol. I continued to find refuge in the bottle but also in Supernatural. I watched every episode as it came on, re watched all the old episodes, blogged and facebooked about it to the point that I am sure I was annoying the one or two friends that I had. The rest of my life was a blur. Get up, stumble into work drunk or hungover, go home sick and jonesing for my next drink, bottle of whiskey till one in the morning, a few hours of sleep and starting the whole cycle back over. I was fat, ugly on the outside, ugly on the inside, and a bad human being. My drinking got so bad I destroyed my liver and was medically discharged from my job but was given retirement for all my years of service to the federal government. So now I was 33 retired with a pension and VA disability and really nothing to do but sit at home drink whiskey and watch TV. I had no love in my life, one or two close friends who didn't like being around me anymore because of my drinking, and my family was worried but couldn't get through to me. Even after my father died of alcohol abuse in 2015 I still continued down my destructive path. Finally in February of 2017 I was hospitalized and was told I would be dead in less than a year. I truly believe I was touched by God at this point because I went home dumped out three bottles of alcohol and never touched the stuff again to this day.

Now I had to learn to relive my life all over without alcohol. I started to exercise and lose weight (90 pounds in 5 months) I went back to church, and I started to try and find love again and of course needing distraction and something to occupy my mind I dove deep into Supernatural. I re watched and re watched again all the old episodes, I poured myself into analysis of the plot lines and characters, I got tattoos on my arms (the demon trap and the anti possession symbol), I obsessed with everything Supernatural. It helped me stay sober. When I wanted a drink I would watch an episode, when I was feeling lonely I would go hang out with Sam and Dean. When I wanted to give up I took refuge in the Impala. I became a super fan. So far Supernatural got me through my divorce, was my bright spot in my alcoholic haze, and helped me stay sober when I first gave up my demons. I cheered harder during the happy moments of the show and cried harder in the sad ones. I was an emotional wreck and my feelings only seemed to come out while watching the show. Although I had quit drinking, got rid of my toxic ex wife and started to improve my life, I was still not happy. I was alone and lonely but Supernatural came to my rescue once again.

Throughout 2017 and the first part of 2018 I managed to be in two relationships. I poured myself into them grasping at them as if they were my reward for turning my life around and ignoring all the signs that they were not good relationships. I was still learning to relive my life as a sober person. I never integrated back into society after I left the Corps in 2005 and finally I was doing so but it was a hard journey. Inevitably those relationships failed and I was utterly heartbroken each time, but Supernatural was always there through the good times and the bad. When my heart was broken I would go find refuge in my favorite show forgetting about my problems and trying to help Sam and Dean solve theirs. Finally in May of 2018 I decided to try and find love again. This time it would be different and this time it was Supernatural that helped me get there.

As part of my recovery and daily routine I started to eat at my local diner everyday. Everyday from about July 2017 to the present time in this story I would go in, order 2 eggs over easy, hash browns, sausage, and toast. Everyday I would sit in the same spot at the counter (counter 6 was the name of the spot) order the same thing and even had my own special coffee mug. I knew everyone who worked there by name and they all knew me by name. They knew my order and had it ready for me when I came in. It felt like a magical place, a place that would forever change my life. There was one waitress/cook that I didn't see very often. She mostly worked the night shift but occasionally I would see her if I was there later in the day than usual or if she occasionally worked a morning shift. I was drawn to this woman. About the middle of May in 2018 I decided to maybe try and work up the courage to ask her out. I would always look for her when I went in hoping she was working that day hoping she wasn't too busy so that I could exchange a few words with her and hoping she would even notice me. Then one day in July I went in and she was there. I said hello and ate my breakfast but we didn't talk much. When I was paying for my meal the other gal working there asked  what my plans were for the day and I said oh nothing much just gonna go home and watch Supernatural. Then she turned around. The woman I had been trying to talk to, the one I wanted to ask out, Michelle was her name. She said, "I love that show I'm watching season 13 on DVD right now". I perked up a smile came across my face. Nervously I said, "oh cool yeah its my favorite show" Michelle nodded and turned back to work, I went to my car got in and smiled. I knew how I was gonna break the ice now next time. A few days later on my daily visit to the diner I went in a little later than usual. It was about 3 in the afternoon. It was dark and gloomy, raining, and cold. It felt like a Supernatural episode. It felt like a 67 Impala should have been in the parking lot and two good looking hunters should be in the corner on a laptop researching their current case. It felt like a magical moment. Turns out I was the only customer in the whole place. It was just me the waitress and Michelle who was cooking that day. They took my order without asking as the usually did and I could already see Michelle had already started cooking it. She finished and brought it to me herself. We exchanged a look and a feeling of confidence I have never had in my life overcame me and I said to her, "So are you enjoying season 13?" That is how it all began we started talking about the show. How we started watching it who our favorite characters were, how much we loved this season or that one. The conversation was seamless. We got into other get to know you topics around our conversation about Supernatural and it was like we were old friends talking about a show we loved. Eventually I got up and went to pay the waitress and she turned to go back to the kitchen in the back. Feeling an opportunity slip away I said "hey Michelle, maybe we should go get some dinner some time and watch some Supernatural together". I held my breath. She would surely smile and politely say no. She probably gets asked out all the time by the customers, beautiful woman that she is. Then she smiled and said "sure that would be great" I must have smiled so big and my heart skipped 10 beats! I got her number which she wrote on a order ticket and the rest they say is history. Ten months later I wrote ,"will you marry me" on the back of that order ticket and gave it to her at counter 6 at the diner where we met, where we first started talking about Supernatural, where my life finally changed for the better forever, and she said yes! We were married two months later on our one year anniversary and we just watched the final episode together yesterday. We both had tears, we both smiled when Sam and Dean, soulmates, were finally together at the end because we both know how it feels to be with each others soulmate. We held each others hand and said goodbye together.

Supernatural has forever changed me. It has been with me through every major event in my life over the last 15 years. Through the dark times, through the hard times, and finally through the current happy times. I guess it is ok that Supernatural is over now. I no longer need it. I have my wife, my Michelle, my soulmate. I am finally happy. I have Sam and Dean's permission to move on and they have mine. Good bye Winchesters. Good bye and thank you. You have taught me to carry on and find my peace when I'm done, and to cry no more. This is but one man's story, one of so many. How many lives has this show changed? How many people have found comfort in the adventures of Sam and Dean? I'm not sure the answer. Too many to count I would wager. 15 years and 300 episodes of the greatest show ever on TV. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

#supernatural #SPN #spn spoilers #SUPERNATURAL SPOILERS #Supernatural ending

[vashti-lives]

i know you know this but its the clothes, not your body.

Oh man I bought some new clothing for the first time in a while and it has once again really driven home that modern fashion is really biased again fat bodies. Which… I definitely already knew this but I’m not sure this had ever hit me because I looked good in something, rather than because I put something on and it looked dreadful.  

So I follow this designer on Instagram and she does really cute geek adjacent clothing and I really like it but its quite expensive so when I see something I like my brain immediately goes We Cannot Buy That and I just keep scrolling. BUT I got that joke money from the government and was like, I could get something from this company, you know, as a treat. Plus the whole reason the clothes cost a lot is that the clothes are all made in the US and basically this just what clothing costs when manufacturers are paying for labor… ANYWAY the point is this is how I talked myself into buying a Very Expensive Skirt from Elhoffer Design. 

It came today and I was super pumped so I put it on and it looked great. And when I bought it I had kind of registered that this skirt looked cuter on the fat model then it did on the thin model but looking in the mirror it hit me that this skirt looked better on *me* than it did the thin model. And that’s not to knock the thin model, she was cute and she looked cute in the skirt, but it looks great on me. And as I was looking at it it wasn’t just because I have a solid hip to waist ratio. Lots of clothes are made to look good on an hour glass figure. And as I looked at it I realized it was because I have much rounder belly and curbing over my round belly was giving the pleats of the skirt way more life and dimension than when they just fell straight down. 

Never, in my entire 31 year existence on this earth, has my my belly pooch been a feature and not a bug. Like! I am not actually that fat—I’m only a medium in Elhoffer Design sizing*— and before today I would not have said I had body image issues, partially because my fat deposits are largely in the “right” places and partially because I got incredibly lucky in the adult department as a kid and when I was a teen with a very moldable psyche no adult I cared about ever told me I needed to loose weight. AND YET. Having clothes where the least desirable part of my body was what was making me look good sure is making me feel some kind of way. 

And when I went back to the website it really hit me that all of the clothes on this site really looked better on the fat models, because these are clothes designed for fat bodies and then scaled down to also fit thin bodies**. And then it hits me that of course all normal clothing is designed to fit thin people and then scaled up. Which, I did know but seeing what it looks like when that isn’t happening really drives home what a deliberate choice that is? Like, thin bodies are not inherently more neutral or anything and they don’t naturally look better in clothes. That’s a choice people are making. 

Anyway I don’t know that there’s a real point to this long fucking post other than that its not you and also ugh I’m gonna have to save so much money so I can buy more of these skater skirts because I’m obsessed with them and also I was going through all my clothes and I’ve had to admit my thighs are just too powerful to make buying pants a good investment. 

*but also I’m 4′8 so like, proportionately I’m a bit fatter than I am on paper. And also being that short and even a little bit round means that clothing Does Not Fit Correctly, ever. Even in the petite section clothes are designed to fit people up to 8 inches taller than me. Anyway I’m an actual hobbit. 

**I mean, its cute stuff that looks good on everyone, but I don’t feel bad saying this because thin people have all the clothing options they could possibly want already. 

#the skirt is the essential pleated skater skirt in pastel rose if anyone is wondering #made by #elhoffer design #i'm also obsessed with their capes and also their r2d2 themed cardigan #i am having A Feeling

[funkymeihem-fiction]

Honeydew Cha

(A 5k commission done for https://pandaioh.tumblr.com/ Thank you so much for your support!)

“Can’t believe this. Can’t even bloody believe this. Thought I was dating the smartest girl in the world, and here I come t’find out she doesn’t even know what ‘vacation’ means.” Junkrat wrinkled his nose, already smeared in sunscreen and dented by his oversized sunglasses. “Well here’s what it means, love. It means fucking off! We’ve fucked off from Overwatch and finally got time all to us here in Oz. It means we got weeks of leave for our very own pleasure, and we’re supposed to spend it drinking, rooting, or at the beach. It’s supposed to be those four things!”

“That’s three things,” Mei’s voice said from behind the changing screen.

“And here I am, ready for bonding at Bondi and this is how you do me! I’ve already got all our things- towels, blankets, umbrella, esky. Even got my trunks and hat and thong on—”

“Your what on?”

“My shoe, Mei! You know, pluggers, flip-flop shoes. I mean, with the peg I only have the one. Did you think I meant the other kind of thong? Because ‘strewth, I’ll go put one of those on too, if it’ll get you to come to the beach with me!”

“Please do not!” She made no move to come out from the screen and seemed unmoved by his fits. “Besides, I told you I wanted to do other things than just lounge at the beach all day. I got the idea when we were out walking the other night and I think this might be really good for me. And I think you’ll change your tune when I tell you the rest of my plans.”

“What’s to tell? You snuck out and got a bloody job while we’re on vacation at the shore! Got this nice vacay cabin all to ourselves, just steps away from the surf and sand, and you’re not gonna appreciate it. My very fave girl is on holiday with me, and she wants to spend it working?! And they say I’m the mad one?”

Her voice gained a sing-song quality, lilting in tone. “I still think you’re going to liiiiike it! Just give me one more moment and you’ll see.”

“Unless you’re coming out of there with surprise lacies on, I doubt I’m gonna—”

The screen shuffled aside and Junkrat squinted, suddenly unsure about things. Mei definitely was not wearing a brand new set of lingerie all for him, but what she was wearing was certainly enough to give him pause. He recognized it almost at once too: the green sweater vest and matching visor, the little ruffled yellow apron, the polka dot socks, the cheerful winking mascot…and those jean shorts that rode up so high on those nice wide thighs were certainly nothing to be ignored, he especially appreciated that particular part of her uniform. Her new job’s uniform.

“Honeydew Cha? You’re working at Honeydew Cha?” He lingered forward, rubbing at his chin and inspecting her. “Arright, love, you got me interested.”

“I told you!” She flashed him a little smirk. “And I know you might think it’s a little crazy to get a job while I’m on vacation, but… I think it might be good for me? I like spending time at the beach with you and Mr. Roadhog, I really do, but I want to do more than just linger around on the sand all day. I think I want to meet people and talk to everyone and learn new things and…” She suddenly faltered, gaze downcast. “And I used to be a tea waitress back while I was still studying. I remember it being really fun? And then I graduated and went away…and then I was…gone…nine years…”

Junkrat was already upon her, long arms wrapping about her new uniform and rumpling her nice green sweater as he nuzzled at her hair and snorted air into her ear with his pointed nose. She yelped aloud and pushed at him, but it had served to distract her. He plucked at her apron with his mechanical hand curiously. “Getting a job at all though? Is it because of money? I got cash to spare! Tell me what it is you need and I’ll get it! Whatever you want, darl!”

“It’s really not about money, honest. I just want to do something normal. I woke up and everything was so strange, and Overwatch was different and the world was different and the climate is getting worse and my friends are all in trouble and maybe it would be okay if I just did this for a little while and forgot about it all? I could serve tea and chat with customers and not worry about everything, and maybe I could feel like I used to, before everything happened. It’s just simple and nice. Like it could just be tapioca pearls and fruit poppers and people being happy drinking their tea and just being…normal. Does that make sense?”

“Nah,” he blurted out, before noticing her crestfallen expression. He frowned, chin jutting as he tilted his head to rest atop her visor. “I mean! Uh, I guess I dunno what all that’s like. But if that’s what ya wanna do? ‘Course I’m not gonna stop you from working. Just don’t understand why you wanna spend your vacation at work.”

“I like working. I think this will be fun. And this is just a little seasonal part-time sort of thing, just to help the shop for the big holiday vacationer rush. I saw the Help Wanted ad and the owner seemed really grateful for the extra hand. Plus…” She rolled onto the balls of her feet, folding her arms behind her and staring upward coyly. “I mean, if you don’t want me using the Honeydew Cha employee discount…?”

Rat gave her an affronted look before snickering aloud. “You trying to bribe me with free boba, you little tart?”

“Milk tea, half sweet, extra pearls! Just how you like it?”

“Huh. Tempting, tempting. Can I bring in my own container and fill ‘er up? Swear it, I’ll drink it straight out of a bucket. I mean, it would definitely not be the first time I’ve drank some stuff I found straight out of a bucket—”

“Ew, Jamie.”

“Okay. Okay. I’ll try not t’let my feelings be hurt when I’m all by my lonesome at the beach. But I got conditions. One— you abuse the hell out of the free boba thing whenever we want. I’m talking Super Gulp American Size! Two— I get to fuck you in full honeydew uniform. With the pony and polka dot socks still on and everything.”

“That’s strange, but okay,” she said, pulling herself to the tips of her toes to kiss his chin. “But not right now, because I’m going in for my first shift! I’ll see you this evening, okay? And I’ll bring you a boba tea every night I work.”

“You better! You got a deal, darl!”

 ***

Serving boba tea and customer service was a lot different than how she remembered it. Maybe it was just being in Australia? Or had boba tea changed since then? Or had she just gotten older and everything really was just that different from however she remembered this job, from so many years ago. The customers seemed a little grumpier, the machines weren’t the ones she had learned to work, her co-workers were no longer the same age as her, and everything just seemed a little harder than what she’d thought.

She’d been at this little job at Honeydew Cha for a few weeks now, much to Junkrat’s irritation, but it was only for a few hours a day. He tended to lighten up a little when she placated him with a steady stream of all sorts of different tea flavors and treats every time he stopped by…and Roadhog hadn’t cared one way or the other, but she brought him entire bags of leftover pastries after the day was done and he always thanked her anyway. Even then, before each and every shift, Junkrat bothered her to drop everything and go to the beach with him.

But now their vacation time was dwindling and her side job was coming to a close anyway. At least she’d been able to help out the Honeydew Cha during its busiest season. There had been a steady stream of customers all afternoon as the temperature soared and overheated beach-goers ducked inside for air conditioning and cold drinks. Most of them had been quite pleasant, the Australian boardwalk crowd being so infamous for their laid-back attitudes and surf culture.

But there were always the outliers…

It was a group of six: five boys and a single girl, all in their teens or early twenties. None of them bore the mechanical limbs or robotic enhancements of the Outback’s junker clans, but something about their countenance made Mei just as wary of them. Their leader seemed to be the largest of them and was almost as tall as Junkrat himself, though built wider, with spiked black hair and a jacket despite the hot weather. The scraggly lone girl clung to him and giggled in his ear, whispering as he pulled out his wallet and counted out money for her tea. When Mei smiled at them and offered to take their order, the girl glared at her and pulled him closer.

They made their orders with no trouble and they paid, but Mei kept an eye on them all the same, as they loitered in one of the booths and talked and laughed too loudly. She could ignore them at first, but their conversation quickly turned crude and sexual in no time at all.  Mei could do little but keep one ear out as she leaned down to check the syrup pumps and count their cups. As the group drained their boba and popped pearls between their teeth, things took a turn for the disgusting.

“Anyhow, that’s why I had to leave that party real fast. Turns out she had a boyfriend.”

“What, the scrag you went upstairs with? That was a fockin’ thing to walk in on. You going at it, with the fat one with the pockmarked arse?”

“Oi. Barely fatter than the ricer they got working the counter here, mate.”

Mei’s heart dropped, freezing mid-stack and staying very still for a moment. Her throat suddenly felt very tight, but she swallowed the feeling down and forced herself to move again, continuing to unpack the cups. So what if that group were being jerks over at that table. Jerks were temporary, and they’d be leaving soon. Those jerks. She just had to let it pass, and breathe, and ignore them…

The voices continued, and even though she knew she shouldn’t, Mei listened.

“She ain’t that bad for one. I’d fuck her. Nice big tits. Bigger tits than yours.”

“What the hell! Fuck you.”

“Ay, you’d fuck anything, mate. Even an omnic. Fuckin’ root rat.”

“Fuck off.”

“She’s prettier than the one at the slope shop on your road. Heh. Go ask her out on a date? Give her a tip and then give her the tip, ay! You can have kids that look like this.”

When Mei dared to peek through the little slit between the top and bottom counter, she already knew what she would see. Sure enough, the group were pulling their eyelids shut, pinching them upwards and making grotesque parodies of their faces. She felt her chest lurch again in a potent mixture of anger, sorrow, and even a tinge of pity. But how dare they! How dare they! She should march right over there and tell them off for being such bullies, for being so—

But could she risk it? The owner of the shop might get angry at her for antagonizing the customers, even the rude ones. And she had been having a nice time before that, just serving boba and treats like in the old days. She couldn’t let it get to her, no matter how awful they were being. Best to just wait them out until they left.

Unfortunately for her, they seemed to have no intention of leaving. They carried on, discussing loudly what sexual positions that they had planned for her and wondered as to her cup size. Mei did her best to stay out of sight, and wished she’d had Snowball and her endothermic blaster with her. That would shut them up, all right. Maybe if she built a new blaster very quickly out of the boba chiller in the back…?

“What about the other girl? The skinny ginger with the sunburn?” One of the boys wondered aloud.

Mei felt her temper flare anew, head jerking up to where said ‘sunburnt ginger’ was working unawares in front of a fruit slicing machine. That girl was one of her younger co-workers, still in her teens, a softspoken local who had admitted to Mei that she had hoped this job would help her get over her shyness. And now that group of boys was targeting her too.

“Wot, that one? Yeah, I seen her here before. No tits or arse on that one, though.”

“Wonder if she’s sunburnt all over? Heh.”

“You know what they say about gingers, mate? They say down th—”

CLACK.

She could ignore it when they targeted her, but she wasn’t about to let it happen to that girl or anyone else in her charge. Mei slammed the empty stack of cups onto the counter with a clatter, swinging open the little door as she went marching straight towards them as all heads turned her way. No matter her cheerfully goofy outfit with the frills and ruffles and polka dots, she descended on the group like a thunderstorm, her jaw set and her eyes narrowed.

“Tíng xiàlái! Excuse me but you need to stop this instant! These awful things you’re saying, you need to stop.” She tried to loom over them as best she could despite her height, little white gloves clenching into fists. “In fact, I think you need to leave! Right now!”

For a moment, silence reigned in the Honeydew Cha as every patient turned to watch the tiny woman in the bubble tea waitress uniform confront an entire pack of Aussie goons. Even the group seemed startled at first, though it rapidly changed to confusion, annoyance, and anger. The girl was the first to react, shooting her a sneering grin and urging the boys on as she wrapped her arms around the largest boy’s arm and shook him to action.

“Leave off, we haven’t done anything wrong! We don’t have to go anywhere!” she said.

The boy snorted and took another swig of his drink. “Dunno why you’re so worked up about what we said, none of it was that bad.”

“No! You need to leave the premises at once!” Mei said, pointing to the door. “If you have a problem, you can call our Honeydew Cha headquarters, I’m sure they’d love to hear from you. But you are not staying here after that. Leave!”

There was an answering array of snickers and insults, but when Mei narrowed her gaze and stared them down, they finally stirred and began to drag themselves upright. Muttering insults and shooting her nasty looks, they finally began to head to the door. Passing by the counter at the front, they headed for the exit…only for the girl to suddenly launch to the side, seizing the jar that had been set by the register. The jar had been decorated with post-it notes and drawings that Mei had made herself, with little cartoons of her yeti doodle thanking them for the tips.

With that day having been busier than ever, it was brimming with tips. Coins and bills filled it nearly to the brim where they simply hadn’t had the chance to empty it. Some of the coins went bouncing away as the girl slung it under one arm, laughed and gave her the finger, and then broke into a run as all the boys followed after her. In a sudden stampede, they nearly broke the door open as they fled.

“Hey!” Mei flung herself after them, but it was too late. She stumbled to a stop at the open door, yelling after them. “That’s our tip jar!”

Hoots and jeers answered her.

“What, you wanted us to leave!”

“Thanks for the tea, you chunky-arse cunt!”

“I got a tip for you right here!”

One of the boys made a very offensive gesture at her with both hands.

“Hey! Hey! You get back here this instant! You can’t—!” Mei lingered there in the open doorway, unable to continue. She wasn’t about to leave her younger cohorts alone in the shop, and without Snowball or her weapons to back her up, there was no way she could take on an entire group like them if things went south. She could only watch as her team’s hard-earned tips got further away in the hands of those goons, their laughter fading as they slowed to a walk, when they saw her unable to chase them. She bit her lip and sniffled, and had just started to close the door in abject defeat when a shadow fell across her.

“Oi! S’wrong, love? What’s going on?”

She whirled about, to where Junkrat suddenly stood above her. “Oh, Jamie! Those awful people just robbed us!! They made a mess and caused trouble and took the jar and they were…” Her expression fell. “They were saying very awful things…About us. About me.”

His face darkened, glancing up to where the group was laughing and walking away, the stolen jar still under one arm. Even if it wasn’t the jar that really concerned him. “You? Saying things ‘bout you? What kinda things?”

His suspicions were confirmed when Mei looked down, refusing to meet his gaze. “It was bad…I don’t want to repeat…”

“Oh yeah?” He asked, voice suddenly too airy. “Well, my tea can wait. Lemme just go see about that jar…and see if maybe I can’t get ‘em to rethink talking to you like that.” He started off, peg leg clacking, and made a strange gesture to Roadhog. The larger man only nodded and peeled off into the crowd, heading in the opposite direction.

Mei watched him go, leaning further and further out the door, still unable to follow. “Jamie, wait! Wait, don’t blow anyone up! Please! I-I’m fine, see! No matter what they said, I’m fine! We can make more tips! Jamie!”

But he was already gone.

 ***

The gang of goons turned a corner, still celebrating their victory as the girl passed the stolen tip jar to her boyfriend to start counting out. Wasn’t a bad take, especially since it had irked that Chinese lady so much. Heading down an alleyway, littered with dumpsters and bins from the nearby shops and restaurants, they began to talk over their plans for dinner. The tip jar would more than pay for all of them, after all.

Over the sound of their chattering, the clicking and clacking of a peg-legged gait sounded behind them. Junkrat, smiling maniacally as ever, had found and followed them. At a leisurely pace, he started tailing after them, giggling the entire way before finally hooting aloud for their attentions.

“Hey mates! How ya goin!”

The others were none too keen on his appearance, their leader lingering behind to scoff at him.

“The fuck’s a junker doing out here? Lost your way home to the landfill? Oi, need directions to the nearest bin?”

The entire group laughed, and Junkrat abruptly began shrilling his wild laugh along with them. Cackling like a hyena, he bent over and slapped at both his knees with a thud and a clank, before his head jerked upright, yellow eyes alight and lips stretching open in his mad grin. “Ahahaha! Good one, mates! Haha! A trash bin! Ya sure got me! Imagine! Hahaha! A junker and his bins!”

His laughter only rose in pitch and ferocity. They scowled at that, and their leader snorted and flicked a cigarette in his direction, turning to lead his lackeys off along the other length of alleyway. “Fockin’ junkers, ay, radiation-rotted in the brains. Dunno what this city’s comin’ to. C’mon, let’s go—”

“Now hold on, mates! Hold on!” Rat hobbled after them with his uneven limp. “C’mon, I appreciate a good sense of humor much as anyone. Heh, junkers belonging in the bin! Absolute classic. And…say, you know any other real good ones?”

“The fuck you w—”

“Ya know. Maybe about nice ladies working in boba shops, with a ponytail and glasses, Chinese accent? That sweet girl in the green uniform what you’ve had some real choice remarks about. That girl. My girl.” His grin tightened, teeth scraping so hard that they nearly sparked. “How about it! Ya had any real rippers about my girl? Ya wanna tell them to me right now?”

There was a long pause from the other group, glancing to one another before the leader finally snorted and went skulking down the alley more. “Ah, fuck off.”

“C’mon now, let’s all be mates! I just wanna know what you said to my Mei!” Rat said, still following them. “Just tell me what you said to her. And normally I got no qualms at all about taking money that’s just laying out there in perfectly good jars, but… Well y’see, that’s my girl’s money, right there. So you gotta give it back too.”

That made the whole group turn upon him, and several of the larger ones began to advance to back up their leader, standing until they were shoulder to shoulder. Junkrat found himself faced with an entire little crowd of bogans that were nearly as large as he was, and significantly more aggressive. Several of them were already reaching for the batons and knives he knew they were carrying. But still he didn’t back down, and his grin didn’t even waver as he faced them head-on.

“Now this is normally something that I don’t do, but because my girl’s involved and she’s a real sweet sort, I’m gonna give you a choice between easy way or hard way. Now the easy way is, you fucks are gonna go apologize to my girl first of all, and give back what you took from her. Easy squeezy! Or you can choose the hard w—”

The lead man moved, his hand launching out from his belt and holding a glint of metal. The knife slashed through the air, narrowly missing the junker’s lanky frame.

There was a blur of movement, followed by the sickening hollow crack of bone against bone. The top of Junkrat’s thick skull slammed full force into the man’s forehead, splitting skin and crunching cartilage as part of his nose dented inward, and took part of a socket with it. He staggered backward as the knife went spinning out of his grasp, stunned, eyes rolling in several directions before he collapsed against a nearby wall and clutched at his face with a shout. His mates surged forward to aid him, holding him up before he could fall any further.

“Hard way it is!” Rat reared up to his full height, blood trickling a sticky trail down along his grinning features, outlining his wild smile where every tooth was bared, yellow eyes alight.  “You’re choosin’ to scrap with a junker?! Good choice, mates! Oi, Roadie! They chose the hard way!”

The other group had just begun to rally, their leader balling his fists and starting to square up with the lanky junker across from him, when there was a low rumble from the shadows at the other end of the alleyway. Amongst the piles of garbage and dumpsters, an immense shape turned its head and began to lift out of the background. The pig-masked behemoth loomed above them, one tree-trunk-thick arm uncurling with a viciously curved metal hook in his hand. Slowly advancing towards the scene, he let the sharpened tip drag along the wall, screeching and spitting sparks as it went.

Junkrat cackled from the other end of the chokepoint. With a metallic clatter, he slammed a fistful of grenades into the weapon he suddenly sported in one hand, aimed right at them. The group of hooligans found themselves penned in between the two junkers, one armed with explosives and the other…a veritable monster that was headed their way.

“Oi!” Still grinning and with his face covered in blood, Rat whistled jovially to catch their attention. “You still don’t wanna apologize to my girl? Then how ‘bout you make it up to her.”

“We didn’t mean nothing by it, ay!”

“Swear, it was nothing!”

“How we gonna—”

“SHUT!” Rat shrilled, lifting his grenade launcher as they shrank back. “You’re gonna drop your money and everything what you got…and if you don’t feel like droppin’ em, then my mate would be happy to uh, give you a sort of pat-down? And I gotta warn you, he’s got a reputation for playin’ a bit rough. Ain’t that right, Roadie?”

Roadhog rumbled dangerously, and the group shrunk into an ever-smaller circle. The girl was the first to crack, audibly starting to cry even as she upended her purse and began tossing her belongings onto the filthy ground. Among them was the crumpled bills from the shop’s tip jar. Following her lead, wallets and jewelry and credits and other bits and pieces began to shower down onto the pavement, and even their foul-tempered leader soon tossed his wallet and cards onto the ground before Hog’s spiked boots.

“That’s all of it, mate, swear.”

“We’re gonna go, we’re gonna go.”

“No harm, ay? We’ll fuck off.”

Junkrat’s gaze darted downward before he snorted aloud, nodding sharply to Roadhog before his blood-smeared grin eased and he cheerfully stepped to the side, waving them forward with his gun. “See! Glad we got all that sorted out. And if me and Roadie see you cunts lurking anywhere within boba’s reach of that shop, well… Let’s just say that Roadie’s got a real temper on him and I dunno if I’d be able to stop the big lug. In fact…seems he might be in a bit of a mood right now. Go on, then, start runnin’.”

They took their chance, bolting forward just as Roadhog’s gargantuan form suddenly broke into a run. Scraping his hook against the brick, he hurled the wicked metal thing forward in a rattle of chains, blurring forward just as the group scattered at the alley’s mouth and dispersed into all directions, their screams trailing after them. Silence soon returned to the little alleyway, and Hog took up his place guarding the entry while his younger partner began picking through the offerings left behind.

 ***

“Order number 342! Passionfruit Sunset, oolong milk tea, berry matcha!”

Mei didn’t have time to worry about that pack of hoodlums. It was just before closing now, with only a lingering handful of people waiting for the last orders and she had been so distracted by trying to keep up that she’d nearly been able to forget that group of awful people… Almost. She just had to focus on this last stretch before closing. The kitchen was splattered with syrups and flavorings, loose pearls rolled about the ground or burst under her feet, and she was starting to forget which flavors went with which colors.

“Taro milk tea and a lychee with peach poppers!” She started the blenders for the hundredth time that day, only pausing to try and slide the visor back up her sweaty forehead and adjust her crooked glasses. Her feet were staring to ache and her smile was starting to fade, but her crew was counting on her to see them through and she wasn’t about to let everyone down. Maybe she could try to refill the tip jar with her own money today, too? She couldn’t let them down…

No matter how tired she was, she immediately stood to attention when a familiar voice joined the throng of customer conversation. It was just one Australian accent among many, but the screeching tone of it, followed by the sudden movement of everyone away from the door heralded Rat’s entrance. He limped in with the telltale k-thud k-thud of his peg, and immediately sashayed right to the front of the (suddenly dispersed) line and threw down his bag and leaned on the top of the counter in his most roguish pose.

“Hey, babe! Gimme your biggest bucket of half-sweet, and then you can give me a full sweet, right here!” He tapped his cheek and leaned down as if for a kiss. “And then, you can give me a—”

“J-Jamison! Hi!” She interrupted just as he was about to make a lewd gesture, waving both hands before lowering her voice. ”Oh no, is that blood on  your forehead? Please tell me you didn’t hurt anybody over a silly tip jar?”

He quickly wiped away the trickles of red that he’d missed earlier. “What do you take me for! Not to worry. Barely even a scratch, maybe a bruise or two. They’re lucky Roadie and I didn’t hook ‘em and cook ‘em. Nah, gave them a spook was all. Swear it.”

“Just so long as nobody got hurt, please?” She sighed, pushing her sweaty hair back once more. “Well, I guess scaring them is okay…they were being pretty awful. And the things they said! And stealing the tips from my team! Just awful, they were being total…Um.”

“Cunts?”

“No, no, I’m not saying that. What’s Australian, something kind of mean but nicer than that?”

“Galahs. Dipsticks. Drongos.”

“Yes! They were being real drongos!” she said with a little smile, before passing him his milk tea, half sweet, just how he liked.

“Thanks, darl. Well isn’t that fine service. Oi, ladies and gents, isn’t that just the finest boba service you ever did see?!” He turned upon the little crowd in the waiting area, and received a few hesitant agreements and nervous laughter. Nodding to himself, he ripped open his pack and reached both arms into it, rummaging about. “Best Honeydew Cha I been to all day, and I think that deserves a tip!”

He produced her stolen smiley-faced jar from the bag and began digging out entire handfuls of cash, credits, and random little jewels and metal bits, stuffing them inside. When that was filled past the brim, he began snatching at cups and cramming them full as well, pushing them across the counter to the stunned boba shop staff. Tucking the last few dollars into a sample cup while they tried to handle the sudden deluge of tip money, he placed both hands on his hips and watched the chaos in an extremely self-satisfied way.

“Oh. And they also send you their apologies for the things what they said to you, by the by. Hope this’ll cover it.”

“W-where did you even get—” Mei sputtered, then turned upon him with that uniquely accusatory smile. “You know something, I’m not even mad that you probably beat up those bullies. Maybe they’ll learn to be nicer. I’m giving you a pass this time. And you’ve really made my team happy so…” She lifted her voice again. “Okay, Honeydew Crew, thank you to Mr. Fawkes for feeling so generous today. And you all did such a great job today that I’m giving you all my share as a bonus…in exchange for you taking care of tonight’s clean-up.”

There was a chorus of agreement as she swung open the little door behind the counter, untying her apron as she looped her arm around his and passed him his favorite half-sweet tea. He grinned at her before giving her a squeeze, letting her guide him of the shop and down the boardwalk where Roadhog was waiting. For a moment, they walked together in silence as he busied himself with his tea…before he nearly spit it out all over the top of her head when he heard her sigh and grumble aloud.

“...I really wish I had gotten to punch them.”

“Ay?!”

“I know! I know it’s mean but…They were mean first,” she huffed, before giggling at his expression. “But, thank you for taking care of those no-good bullies. And for stealing everything back.”

“That’s cold! Oh, I like that from you! Uh, why don’t we leave Roadie to his lonesome and head back to the bungalow, maybe work out some of that aggression you got?” His arm wrapped about her, gripping at her side. “Whaddaya say?”

“I…think that’s a good idea, actually,” she said with a little smile. “But maybe in a little while. It’s still a nice night for a walk. Why don’t you and I go to the beach?”

#meihem #junkmei #meirat #junkrat #jamison fawkes #mei #mei-ling zhou #Honeydew Mei #boba mei #boba #bubble tea #writing #fiction #fanfiction #overwatch

[voidingintotheshout]

December 4th: Hot Cocoa With Marshmallows

The party had gone on for three or four hours and Trevor sat eating through most of it. Pigs in a blanket, quiche, appetizers, dozens of cookies; eggnog both spiked and not. All kinds of delicious holiday treats went into his growing belly. Maybe it was the eggnog, or the shots of spiced Brandy, but by the end of the night he wasn’t even hiding his greedy gluttony anymore.

He was still a charming party guest, offering sparkling conversation to anyone who happened near, but he did notice that it was a different type of conversation. People talked to him differently. Before, they talk to him like people were talking to Jack, like you would talk to a minor celebrity. That’s what it was like when people were talking with a hot person. It was great at first, but he had just gotten so tired of it.

He thought about this as he munched on some pizza rolls they were clearly out of the box but they were filling and there were a lot of them. He felt like one way in which he could be a good party guest is to eat the foods that clearly nobody else was interested in eating. A lot of food needed to go into this belly of his so it might as will be the foods that other people weren’t competing for.

The host came over “Thank you for finishing those pizza rolls. She just gets a case of them from Costco and brings that. I have to put it out or else she will get upset but no one ever eats them. I made some of my famous hot chocolate with a bowl of marshmallows on the side to add as many as you want. I put the hot chocolate in a pitcher, so you can refill your cup as you need to. But hey, I want to say that it’s really awesome of you to get Jack to wear your old Christmas suit. He doesn’t even know what to do himself with all this extra attention. I have to ask though, why the change?”

“Honestly? I always knew that he didn’t care about how I looked, and over the previous year, I have been noticing more and more that taking care of my body was keeping me away from the man I loved. He would be taking some cooking classes and he couldn’t share any of the stuff he was making with me because it was too fattening.”

“Really?”

“Really. I was hanging out with his friends from the cooking class and he had gone to the bathroom and they were talking about some of Jack’s favorite recipes and I didn’t know any of them. At first, I thought it was just because I don’t know much about cooking but then he sheepishly mentioned that he didn’t talk about them because he didn’t want me to have to refuse to eat recipe after recipe because he didn’t want to feel like he was pressuring me to eat unhealthy food he knew I didn’t want.” Trevor sighed, and looked bashfully down. “Do you get it? Taking care of my body was causing the man I love to start keeping things from me and it was keeping me out of parts of his life that really meant something to him. Not to mention the time at the gym.” He added with an airy gesture of his hand. “There were all of the times where he just wanted a quiet night at home and chose to hang out with one of his friends instead of me because he didn’t want to keep me from the gym.”

“I see.”

“Yeah. The worst was right around Valentine’s Day, when he started to imply that it was OK if I started to check out other guys right in front of him on dates because, he felt like it only made sense for me to want a more in shape guy with a body like mine instead of his. It made me feel really bad, like I was living my life for myself. I felt like I needed to change my priorities and make him a priority in my life. I needed to make him feel like he was my priority, not my physique.” Trever smiled, holding up the mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows. “Thanks for the hot chocolate, by the way.”

“No problem, big guy. Bears are hot right now.”

“It’s all that extra fat.” Trevor said laughing as the host walked off to greet another guest.

He wondered how far he was going to take this new lifestyle that has started as a rebellion against his place in the social circle. He did this partially because he had been tired of all of the backhanded compliments about Jack behind his partner’s back. Asking Trevor if Jack had a great sense of humor, if Jack was really successful at work, or rich. Always the implication that clearly looks were not what drew Trevor to his husband. He didn’t really even care about his own looks anymore. He already had his fun being the hot younger guy and now he was settled down. Nobody at work really cared what he looked like and the guys in the gay community that cared what he, a married man looked like, were usually bad news.

The decision to start gaining weight happened around Valentine’s Day earlier that year. He had gone to dinner and dancing with his husband and while his husband was off getting drinks (whose idea had it been for Jack to be the one in the servant role in the relationship that got things for him, Trevor wondered). They have been thick as thieves all night with Trevor unable to keep his hands off his curvy beautiful husband and this morally bankrupt Twink piece of trash came over and started hitting on him on Valentine’s Day, while he was on a date with his husband. It galled Trevor that even after he said “I’m here with my husband on Valentine’s Day.“

He couldn’t believe it when that asshole replied “I can’t blame you for wanting to talk to me when your husband is looking like that. Oink oink! Am I right?” The Twink added, snickering.

Trevor was apoplectic. He grabbed a little twerp and held him about an inch in the air, his muscles rippling. “If I see you coming back here and talking to me again I swear to God I will tear your dick off and beat you to death with it. Get the fuck away from me and don’t ever say anything nasty about my husband again. He is the hottest fucking guy and he has what you will never have—class.”

“Pfft. Fine. Guess sloppy guys are your kink. I can’t compete with that. I actually exercise. Have fun fucking person pudding.” The twink said as he laughed and walked away.

Trevor glanced back and noticed that Jack was making his way back to the bar, only having eyes for him. He hated himself. What had Jack heard? What Jack said next would change Trevor’s waistline forever. “Don’t worry about it. Dating a guy as hot as you, I expect other guys to hit on you. That guy was cute. I don’t mind if sometimes you want to look. I know you’re going home with me. I love you.”

Even though he hadn’t done anything, Trevor felt like shit. He hated having to deal with assholes hitting on him and not really being respected for what he brought to the table because he was just automatically given better treatment because of his looks. He loved the fact that Jack was not even remotely interested in his physique because that didn’t play into his sexual fantasies involving Trevor or their sexual compatibility. Increasingly, Trevor didn’t even like this physique either.

They hung out at the nightclub for some pre-dinner drinks for a little bit longer and then Trevor remember that there was an amazing gourmet pizza restaurant that Jack had been wanting to go to for six months and all of a sudden it seemed like the right night to go, that Valentine’s Day date all of those months and pounds ago. “I love you too. Speaking of, I had an idea. Do you remember that gourmet pizza restaurant a couple of blocks from here that you’ve been wanting to go to for a while? Well, I know I didn’t make a New Year’s resolution this year but I think my resolution this year is to eat more carbs. You are such a great cook and I really want to start enjoying everything that you have to offer in the kitchen. Besides, I’ve had a decade to enjoy this fit trim body, I’d like to take some time to enjoy other parts of life instead of just the gym and different ways to flavor chicken breast. Would you mind if we started experimenting in the kitchen a little bit more?”

“But what about your abs and the muscle definition you worked so hard for? I thought we were going to that salad place for our Valentine’s date. That would be okay with me. I can get pizza with one of my other friends. I know how important your fit, toned physique is to you. I wouldn’t wanna mess that up.”

Now Trevor really did feel like shit. “Honestly? I’m tired of looking like this. It’s not fun anymore. I’m with you, an amazing guy that makes me happy every single day and I could be wrong but I don’t think you really care about how my body looks and I’m really tired of the negative attention that it’s getting me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m missing out on fun things in life like amazing desserts and delicious pizza because I need to watch my calories and carbs. I’m tired of it. How would you feel if I just let go of my restrictive nutrition regimen and just started eating whatever I felt like with you. Would you mind?“

Ever so quietly, Jack whispered “actually, I’ve often fantasized about you being bigger. Softer. More comfortable. I knew how important fitness was when we started dating, so I was happy for you being big with muscles; but you being big with muscles and curves would be really hot I think. The pizza is really good there. Also, if you put on a little weight then we might be able to wear some of the same clothes.”

Right then, Trevor decided that they would be able to wear some of the same clothes because soon Trevor was going to get bigger and fatter than Jack had ever been and Jack would have his own wardrobe and Trevor’s old wardrobe to choose from. “I’m definitely going to be making a pig of myself there. I might get a whole pizza for myself.”

“You should! Indulge. Be bad. Weak. Let the whole restaurant see that you don’t have any self-control. That you can’t stop yourself.”

Trevor smiled. “Let’s get pizza. I’m feeling hungry.”

Suddenly, he was shaken from his reverie by Jack. He was pulled out of the memories of that amazing Valentine’s Day date and back to the Christmas party, where he found that he had been absentmindedly eating the whole time he’d been daydreaming. “Hey pig. I think it’s hot that you’re stuffing food into your mouth with your hands, off in your own world over here, but our friends are starting to stare. Maybe we can dance and chitchat with our friends before you eat yourself into a coma?”

Even though his body was getting soft, something was getting hard, And both men knew it. Trevor’s plate was now empty plate in a nearby trashcan and he accepted the waiting hand of his sexy husband who lovingly heaved him up off of the chair so they could dance to some of their favorite songs, body against the body. Firm against flesh. It was a good life.

#25daysofchubmas #chubmas #original fiction #gainer fiction #trevor and jack

[thegoodhausfrau]

Basket of Gold: describe your family. I want to know where your fabulous self came from.

My family is essentially a very large group of farmland people cobbled together through many divorces, remarriages, adoption, and illegitimate offspring. When I say large I mean probably around 300 people when you add it all up and who the fuck has time for that?! Growing up I never even bothered to learn everybody's names as I had my immediate family, maternal and paternal families, two step families, and the 3 families I spent so much time with as child they were my other families. The majority of them live in a couple states in the Midwest, clustered around 4 towns, because they are not big city, or even medium city people. Nowadays since my stepdad died and my mother has since remarried I have a whole other step family too. I will never learn the names of my 6 new step aunts, not to mention their spouses and all their children, so I will never expect my partners to learn them either. Honestly it's the kind of complicated web that could make grown people cry. What if you come in just thinking I'm neat and you love me and then I'm all "Learn this whole ass textbook of my family tree before we hit any holiday parties!" I learned my new step siblings names (but not their kids) and picked a favorite aunt (the fattest one) and called it a day. 

The different little families within the larger family web have their own quirks, totally rotten apples, and nice people. They're just conservative and religious simple town folk who have kids they take to pumpkin patches and main street parades to catch candy. I had a nice childhood if you just look at those  moments. They can’t handle spicy food and they don’t know anything about ethnic food as their Mexican or Chinese food is very white. They go to church on Sundays and maybe Wednesday too, they don't care for trendy food and will eat well done steaks (childhood takes a dark turn, ha, but they're mostly Norwegian so that explains the lack of taste), they have big parties for any holiday, and you always feel welcome in their very spacious homes that they fill with nice decor even if you're just there for a perfectly manicured backyard cookout. They’re teachers, truck drivers, dental hygienists, ad execs, scientists, mechanics, builders and nurses. But the relatives who try to set their wives on fire or rob banks make for more entertaining stories. I don't see myself in any of them really. I've always been different and never felt like I belonged there. I was right.

I'm an amalgamation of limited pop culture, endless crime show paranoia, mental illness, the 1000 books I've read, and-

a mother who made major life decisions too early in life because her own parents were a mess. She turned it around and has has worked very hard to create an ideal life while she taught me to be better and more adventurous than she was. She only reads Danielle Steel novels, eats dry cereal by the handful for a snack, and lives for doing super touristy stuff like covered bridge tours. She’s the kind of person you’ll find wearing two pairs of sunglasses because she can’t feel them on top of her head. She never goes to Chicago because it’s too dangerous but eventually I’m going to get her there. She always tells me to be brave, try new things, while she herself cannot. She somehow finds the time and energy to always be go go go, have a huge social circle, and enjoy doing shit like vacuuming and tending to her yard. While I don’t have her green thumb, I have her appreciation for the little things, game night competitiveness, and we are the only people who can make each other laugh until we cry over something very mundane like furniture moving...

A stepfather played the drums in a rock cover band, listened to all the oldies, told a story about a dead pig that could make me laugh til I cried every time I heard it, would pull over while driving so I could pick purple clover to nibble on, and who tried to teach me about lawn care but for someone allergic to grass I was so not interested at all but I was very interested in driving the car which he started teaching me to do when I was 10. Less interested in the semi truck but I drove that once too. He made me ride on his motorcycle once. Did not like. My shoe melted onto his muffler so that never happened again...

A bipolar father (that I looked very much like before his prison stay) who modeled himself around fat 70's Elvis, worked as a used cars salesman for most of my childhood, only ate Cheeto products after midnight so he woke up with orange fingers, let me watch all the horror films (Chucky was my favorite since I was 2) but made them funny thus warping my perception of them for life, taught me you can say anything insulting as long as you say it a certain way so it’s funny vs. straight sarcasm, enjoyed Mystery Science Theater 3000 so we we turned every film we watched into our own version, quoted MADtv skits while never showing me anything SNL related so I have no reference for any of the pop culture references that clearly SNL won long term...

A stepmother who was a much fatter version of 90's Roseanne Barr that smelled like peppermint lotion and who taught me self care routines, every Stevie Nicks song, and that Savage Garden’s debut album was way better than one insanely overplayed song. In retrospect I don’t blame her for leaving my dad, dude was an asshole to his partners, but at the time it felt like a death as she cut off all contact and it set off a chain of events that shaped the outcome of everything...

A younger brother who annoyed the hell out of me, who merely by still being alive proved I’m not a sociopath because I would have snuffed him out so fast, and I feel has contributed nothing to my development in a positive way. I’ve been robbed of better presents at Christmas, parental attention, and my belongings that he lit on fire because he was a pyromaniac or traded with his friends for drugs. He gave me the scar on my bikini line but I broke off half his tooth that he’s never had capped. We’re even. He always wanted to be Oddjob when we played GoldenEye so I feel that tells you the kind of asshole I had to deal with. 

And most importantly there are my partners. I'm an infusion of their tastes, quirks, expressions, and qualities. Not to say that I take what I want from them, like a Greatest Hits album or something of their best, but my love for them fuels a love of some of what they love and they inevitably rub off on me. If one looks they'll see little mirrored reflections of themselves in me. My own little love letters, pieces of you woven together with pieces of me. 

#ask me

[virtual-crisis]

⭐Alpha Centauri⭐, Part Fourteen

Another cobble-together part, bit of world building, bit of foreshadowing. I can’t exactly just cut from the previous part to the event it’s leading up to.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“In fucking demon form?!”

“I really don’t see the problem here.”

“In fucking demon form?!”

“You could’ve blown it for all of us!”

I crossed my arms and one leg over the other. I was back home in my and Tyler’s dorm, with her, Nate and Carême standing around me. I looked up at the latter. He shook his head, but had a smirk on his face.

“La fortune sourit aux audacieux.” he said, in a smug tone I couldn’t understand.

“Not in this case!” Chai spat, while Nebb put up his hands in confusion.

“I’unno either, it’s French.” I said at Nebb.

“Fortune favors the bold…” Scape murmured for a moment. “Our kind have pulled more ‘risky’ antics. Some even got away with it.”

“She went into a stadium full of people in DEMON FORM! People were livestreaming!”

“And taking videos and pictures, get it right?” I quipped. Chialer did a facepalm.

“Uh, yeah, big problem with that, our mascot’s the bulldogs.” Nebb said flatly. I smirked at him, then Chai, who glared back.

“Fuck you.” she said.

“Fuck me?”

“Did I stutter? Fuck you.”

Scape shook his head, shrugging. “Taking that ‘competition’ seriously?”

Chai scoffed, Nebb retaining a look of utter confusion as she pointed a finger at me accusingly. “You cheated!”

“I took advantage of an opportunity~” I teased.

“Fuck off, you went in front of like a thousand people as a human-sized moth to challenge my twin to a fight.”

“I’ll let you wear the suit~”

Chai screeched in anger, lunging towards me… Only to fall flat on her face on the carpet. Scape shook his head, taking a sip of coffee as he pulled his shin away from her lower thigh. “I’d prefer there not be a fight in here.”

“What the fuck’s up with you two?!” Nebula sputtered, throwing up his hands.

Chai grumbled to herself, and I shrugged. “I just did it on impulse. Wasn’t even my idea to go there.”

“I’m gonna rip Bob’s throat out.”

“Do you WANT Mammon pissed off at you?” Scape chided.

“Okay but, seriously, that game’s next week.”

“And home has all the time in the world.” I mused.

Scape crossed his arms as I pulled out my phone. Dialing mom ‘n dad, dialing Polaris, conference call time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chai sat around the table eating burgers with Nebb, Scape, mom and dad in the dorm’s kitchen. When among humans, mom either dressed in conservative blouse-and-skirt combo similar to me, or straight up imitating Marylin Monroe. Dad… would switch between hippie and hobo. Today was hobo day, torn clothes and unkempt hair. 

I spent a bit chatting with Polly when she arrived, then took to a sketchbook. I A-posed facing each wall of the living room, she drew me from each angle. I made a few quips about getting nude, she threw the book at me and made me bring it back to her. Typical sister stuff. Fam and friends, on the other hand…

“That’s very sweet of you to keep an eye on them,” mom said to Scape. “Nebula especially could do with knowing how to cook.”

“Hey!”

“He’s talented, naturally, but I feel he’s better suited to mixology. When he tries, he’s quite good at making soups and stews. Thin on chopping and other such hands-on stuff.” Scape mused.

“And the fact Ally got fucked up by an angel.” Tyler cut in.

Dad looked through the doorway at me as I put up a peace sign over my eye for another sketch. “I’d prefer that not happen again.” he said. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eyes, frowning.

“Ugh, damnit Cen, I was trying to get your face down.” Polly spat. A couple of the others glanced over as I let out an ‘oops’.

“So you guys able to get some materials together for it?” I said. Chai rolled her eyes.

“I’ve got some people I can call up… Your father’s got some employees with resources, surely.” mom replied.

“Wait…” Chai pointed at dad. “...You have… Employees?”

“Is that a surprise?” he quipped. I snickered and went back to making cutesy poses for a somewhat miffed Polaris.

“Frans runs his own minor circle of Hell, honey. Within the greater circle of Belphegor’s, and with its own legion of imps and lesser demons.”

“Even have a fallen angel around working for me.”

Chai gave dad that ‘are you kidding me’ look. “Y… You’re kidding me. A fallen angel?”

“Nuh, she’s real nice. Always has to wear gloves though, burns if we so much as shake hands.” Nebb said through a mouthful.

“What kind of angel?” Scape asked.

“A cherub. Not a fan of all the regimenting upstairs, so I give her nice and flexible scheduling.”

“Yeah because she’d obviously prefer literal Hell, wouldn’t she.”

“I’m told Lucifer does.”

I quivered at my new boss’ name. Polly waved for me and held up her sketch: a poster of ‘Stella’ sticking up two peace signs with a cutesy wink. That turned my face to a grin instead. “Y’allllll, you needa see this~”

Nebb readily jumped up to come look, while Chai rolled her eyes. Mom, dad and Scape just gave a ‘not now’ and went back to talking.

“Yo, you need to step up your game, Cen.” Nebula quipped.

“Hey, she graduated two years ago.” I spat.

“And I’m a lot better at art~” Polaris teased, winking. I huffed in annoyance.

“Mooooooooom, Nebb and Polly are teasing me.”

“Then why don’t you tease them back?”

“Daaaaaaaaad, Nebb and Polly are teasing me!”

“Not my problem, miúdo!”

“Chai!”

“Don’t even, Ally.”

Nebula and Polaris just snickered to eachother, the latter going to sit by dad.

“You done talking about your VIP board, papai?” she said, nudging her pictures to him.

Nebb nudged me with his elbow. “I still can’t believe you told Chai you’d let her wear the suit.”

“Oy, the bigger the suit, the more field presence. Ty’s a heavyweight that got on the team anyway, so why the home not?”

“Gee I’unno, maybe because she’s a bitter ass about you getting the mascot?”

“Thought you were saying I didn’t have it yet?”

“Come on, mom’s here. Unless the guy in charge of administration here’s a demon, it’s gonna get changed now.”

“Yeah? Prove it~” I jeered.

“Hey mom, are you gonna get the mascot changed!?” Nebb called over.

“Of course I am!” she said back, before her and the guys all laughed.

Nebb put up his hands, and I just snorted.

Rather than engage in the PTA meeting in the kitchen, we put the couch back in place and booted up some games to play. Nebb slotted a flashdrive into my Xbox, uploading a slew of mods to violate my various games with. As if I’d want triple-A shills to actually be fun.

“So, what’re you gonna do once you graduate?”

I raised a brow at him. “What’re you gonna do then?”

“Probably set up shop at home, get dad into the bootlegging trade.”

“That’s already staked by other demons though.”

“And? What’s wrong with sharing the ‘burden’?”

“Angry drunks being represented by demons of wrath.”

“Fair, but also I don’t care.”

I rolled my eyes. “...I’ve got a work contract lined up.”

“Lemme guess, some indie game company?”

“Yeah, it’s called Lucy’s Furs.”

Nebb dropped his controller on his lap, looking at me out the corner of his eye. “...Are you…”

“Don’t. Tell. The others.” I said quietly, through gritted teeth.

Nebula gulped, picking his controller back up and dropping to a whisper. “...Is he the one that saved you in the forest?”

“Yeah.”

“Beast… What kind of work?”

“He was saving my life, so he was free to not specify.”

Nebula stared at me wide-eyed, ignoring his in-game character getting beat up as a result. “Seriously?!”

“He’s the devil, of course he’d do something like that,” I glanced up to make sure none of the others were coming over. “...He gave me a replacement for my old head- caused that power surge months ago ‘cause it’s THAT much more powerful. Said he’d let me finish out college and develop my powers a bit, then he’d have things for me to do.”

“Yikes… Why haven’t you told mom?”

“What, did she tell her parents when she worked for Asmodeus?”

“She says he’s up front about what he wants from someone.”

I took an uneasy breath. “...Well I’d assume he wouldn’t want his ‘investment’ in me to go to waste…”

“Yeah, ‘cause that means you’re gonna be perfectly fine.”

“...It doesn’t.”

I paused the game suddenly as Polaris walked over. “Don’t you do enough of that for class studies?”

“We’re doing a study group right now, step off.” I said flatly.

“Yeah, that hack and slash you’ve beaten ten times is valid studying.”

“We’re observing game mechanics.” Nebb said.

“And where’re your notes?”

“Why’re you over here?”

Polly sat next to me, opening her sketchbook. “Well this’s your image, wanna be sure you want this brought in to your coach.”

I turned my gaze onto her pictures of me, narrowing my eyes. “Heeeey, you made me look fatter than I am.”

“There’s gotta be space for a person in there, and last I checked, you want that person to be Chialer.”

Chialer, on cue, followed Polly over to us. “Uhuh, I say the suit’s not big enough for that.”

I crossed my arms. “Then widen the rest of it so the proportions are right.”

“We’re only gonna make the first iteration of the suit, Cen, it’s gonna cost money for them to make other stuff.”

Nebula snickered, and I elbowed him. “At least make the antenna fuzzy.” I said.

“Deal, if the wings stick out like some back shield.” Polly quipped.

“You kidding? I won’t be able to see behind myself!” Chai complained.

“You’re planning to?”

“Did you not see the combat armor on Ezekiel’s getup? I’m gonna need to.”

“So what, you’re planning to throw hands?” Nebula retorted.

“He is, so I am.”

“He was talking about flying into his flames, so…”

“Acalme-se, bondade!” Mom said, striding in and circling behind Polaris. “Frans has things arranged, we should get this proposal to the school’s administration.”

Polaris nodded, going to the door with Tyler, mom and dad. Scape walked to the couch, but stopped there with his hands in his pockets, waiting for the door to close.

“...I’m pretty good at selective hearing.” he mused. I gulped.

“What do you mean?” Nebb asked, acting innocent. Obviously, I elbowed him again for that.

“Working for Lucifer is a dangerous game.” Scape said passively, not looking at me.

“...I don’t have much of a choice.”

“That’s how he gets you involved with him.”

“What would he even have me do?”

“A devil isn’t one without someone to combat.”

“So he’s going to have her fight more angels?”

Scape looked over his shoulder at Nebula. “Lucifer knows better than that. There’re entities far worse than the denizens of Hell…”

I lowered my head. Scape slowly moved to the door. 

“...I worked for him, once. Had to go into hiding as a result.”

“That place you told Chai about?”

“Yes. The place was swarming with exorcists, witchhunters, crusaders… Hell, it was the home of crusaders. He told me to corrupt the place… Not what the catch was.”

“There’s always gonna be one, isn’t there?”

“That’s his game. Wants to see how people react to things they don’t expect.”

“Well that’s gonna be fun.” Nebula said sarcastically, leaning away from me defensively.

“I beg to differ.” I said flatly, staring blankly over my shoulder.

Scape looked at me in what I assumed was concern. “Good luck. He’ll keep you alive, but that’s only so you can do things God won’t let him.”

He bowed his head for a moment, and stepped out. Nebula let me stare at nothing for a good couple minutes, before quietly turning off the game and heading out as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Chai had split off from my family. She went to Monty, ranted at him for a minute, and got a ride out to the northwest side of the river. Right to the frat house of Zeta Iota Phi.

“What do you want, bulldog?” one of the guys said on opening the door. Chai decked him in the face, Monty seizing up in alarm behind her as she stepped over the frat jock’s unconscious form. A couple other guys came up with shouts of ‘what the fuck?!’ and such, and Monty backed away as she punched one, grabbed him by the arm, and hurled him into two others.

“Where the hell is Z.” she demanded at nobody in particular, deadpanned and scowling.

Two guys were left in the room—one put his hands up in fear, the other shakily pointed to the living room. Chai stomped over that way as Monty sheepishly apologized to the two.

“What’s up, fuckup?” she spat.

Ezekiel, lounging with his legs across a couch, scoffed quietly. “Go away, Tyler.”

“You’re trying to go into the superbowl, huh?”

“What football team doesn’t?”

“As yourself.”

“I don’t like wearing some beaver costume.”

“Bullshit.”

He looked up at her, pausing the TV show that was on. Out of a mascot suit, he wore cargo jeans, snow boots, a hooded jacket, climbing gloves, a bandana covering his lower face, running goggles, and a balaclava to cover the gaps. Not one bit of skin was visible on his body. “You’re really throwing a fit over this?” he grumbled.

“You’re a piece of shit.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“Being self deprecating doesn’t get you out of it.”

“Out of what?”

“Me taking you down a notch.”

“Why do you care?”

“You signed yourself up for the college in direct competition with mine!”

“We signed up independent of eachother, neither of us knew.”

“Fuck off, you knew.”

“No I didn’t…”

Monty sidled in, keeping distance from Chialer. “Isn’t it possible he just… really didn’t know…?”

Chai jabbed a finger in his direction. “Shut the fuck up, Bob.”

Ezekiel put a hand to his face, sighing. “Don’t bother, man, she’s not gonna be reasonable about it.”

Chialer promptly shoved him off the couch, eliciting a yelp of alarm. “All you do is steal off whatever I try to do in life!”

Ezekiel glared up at her. Monty backed away nervously, seeing how the twin’s goggles had a dull yellow glow under them… “No I don’t! It’s not my fault our lives line up by coincidence!”

Chai planted her hands on the back of the couch. “Then why did you just suddenly show up in that canyon?!”

“I already told you, I didn’t know why, it just happened!”

Monty gulped, rushing out of the room to start chatting with the frat boys—despite their hostile reception of him, he felt the need to keep attention off the twins.

Zippy got to his feet, letting out a huff of air. “You’re always tearing me down for anything I do!”

“Because you always have to do it ‘better’ than me!”

“That’s not my fault! We just happen to do similar things at the same time!”

Chai vaulted onto the couch, clenching her fists. “Then why do you go out of your way to make everything about YOU?! You go to the Ivy league school, you have a damn fraternity named after you. You have MI-fucking-T themed around you!?”

Zippy pulled down the waist of his jacket, concealing the pads of a bulletproof vest. “Yeah, I’m making the most of my situation! I didn’t tell you to come to the same metro with your underdog complex!” he spat.

Chai let out a screech of anger, springing off the couch to pounce on her twin. As they fought on the floor, Monty quivered at the noise. “Hey, how about I buy you guys drinks…? Apology for my, uh, friend throwing a fit?” he stammered.

One of the frat guys furrowed his brow, and another leaned over to try and see what the twins were up to. “Why the hell are you with that bitch anyway?”

“...I’m her ride from place to place. It’s better to just… Let her ‘talk’ with her brother.”

“‘Talk’ my ass, she’s fighting with Zeke in there!” one spat, pushing past Monty.

As he walked into the living room, the twins froze mid-wrestle just to seethe in unison: “Stay the fuck out of this.” Their voices combined for an all-the-more insidious growl, and the frat guy let out a girlish scream as he sprinted straight for the front door.

The others had gone pale. “D-drinks it is…!” one sputtered, to which Monty now more eagerly ushered them out.

#Alpha Centauri #Filler is my archenemy in writing

[ineffablefool]

Some meditations on being a fat human being, in the era of Good Omens series fandom.  Not n//sf/w, really (hi my name is Jack I’m ace and supremely uninterested in sexytimes), but really personal and also long, so I’ll stick it behind a readmore.  I suppose if another fat human being had thoughts they wanted to tack on, they could reblog to do so, but I don’t expect this to be a particularly rebloggable thing.  Just thinkin’ out loud (via clickety fingies).

I have been... okay, more or less, with how my body looks, for a while.  (Minus all the things about it that make me get “she” and “her” and “ma’am” everywhere I go, with exactly three glorious exceptions in the ~4 years since I realized that those weren’t right.  That is a whole ‘nother bucket of bears.)  I’ve been on Tumblr over on my main account since 2013, and the entire time I’ve been immersing myself in fat positivity and in fat activism by wonderful accounts like ok2befat and bigfatscience and thisisthinprivilege.  So I’ve been basically okay. 

It sucks how hard it is to find clothing that I like which doesn’t completely exclude my particular set of proportions.  It sucks that my saint of a boss had to literally fight our HR department to change the company policy on flights for business, because the previous policy would have forced me to fly 18 hours in an economy-class seat much smaller than I am when I visit India in a couple months.  It sucks that my body is still the “oh, is this disgusting thing a dealbreaker for you” question on dating websites, and that it’s still the butt of every third Trump joke.  It sucks.  But I’ve gotten better over the years at the skill of seeing my body as not the problem, but an innocent bystander in everyone else’s bullshit.  Clothing and plane seats and humor don’t spring from the earth to be harvested and consumed raw.  People decide how to make them.  People can decide differently.

Anyway.  I’ve been pretty much okay with Body.  Body’s fine.  It’s a good pal.  It gets me where I need to be, and it lets me run around in little circles pretending to be an airplane when I’m bored.  I spend some time with it in partial states of undress now and then (I’m too much of a germaphobe to ever be a naturist, let’s put it that way), just so I can keep myself familiar with what it really looks like.  Y’know how the horror movie monster is really scary up until they actually show it?  Same thing, except fewer blood squibs.

But here’s all this Good Omens stuff.

A lot of the fandom has embraced the slight pudginess of Michael Sheen’s Aziraphale, and a lot of artists are putting that into their work.  And a blessed wonderful few aren’t stopping there.  They’re drawing Aziraphales that are more than just a tiny bit pudgy, sometimes that are just plain fat, unquestionably, not just “a little larger than the very thin rendition of Crowley” or “wearing a lot of layers” or “the clothes are just cut that way”.  Really, really adorable renditions of fat angels who are clearly loveable and clearly loved because look, the artist drew them together, Crowley is right there and he doesn’t have that look on his face by accident.

(There are book renditions floating around too where people have headcanoned a fatter Aziraphale, but I’m still talking miniseries right now.  Also, there are plenty of sort of... cartoony/stylized/silly renditions out there with fatter Aziraphales, but I’m not really talking about those either.  There’s a sort of area of artwork where the style or the scene being depicted is such that my brain is surprised when any of the characters is fat, because this is a pretty drawing of two people kissing or whatever and therefore obviously they have to both be thin.  Obviously.  Internalized fatphobia nonsense.  But that’s the kind of artwork I’m thinking when I type all these zillions of words.)

And that’s a choice, to say “I’m an artist and I’m going to draw this character who is worth being the recipient of a 6000-year-long love, and that character is fat, and that’s just how it is”.  And to keep doing it in one piece of art after the other.

speremint was the first artist I noticed doing this, drawing an Aziraphale who is loved by Crowley (the sacred apple tree art still cracks me up, poor Crowley) and who is definitely fat and who is adorable, and if you’ve read the notes on any of my fics you know that she singlehandedly changed how I picture my headcanon’d Aziraphale.  Then I discovered that dotstronaut and lonicera-caprifolium and toastedbuckwheat are out there too, giving me lovely art to shove into my eyeballs and extend my lifespan potentially indefinitely.  I bet there’s more I haven’t noticed yet.  I want there to be like a hundred more I haven’t noticed yet.

And this all ticks over into the second half of what’s apparently a manifesto at this point, boy it’s a good thing I’m a fast typist, which is the fact that in addition to being a fat human, I am also romantically and aesthetically attracted to fat humans.  It’s something I’ve pretty much literally had no opportunity to ever express, because in my Real Life I don’t really admit to having feelings per se and also I am... not the type of human who is the recipient of romantic thoughts from others.  Or who would ever act on my own unless the other party said something first.  (Which nobody ever has since 2006, you guys.  Supremely not the recipient of romance over here.)

So there’s this fandom environment where a fat character is being celebrated and loved, and I started writing fanfiction for the first time this century, and all of a sudden there’s a place for me to express feelings that I’ve been sitting on since I finally realized in about 2001 what it was about that one guy in high school that made me want to hug him, even though I also couldn’t stand his attitude.

Going through my fics from oldest to most recent, it is clear that I am getting more and more comfortable with that expression.  It’s getting ridiculous.  At this rate, in three weeks’ time I’m just going to be writing “Aziraphale is fat and beautiful and I just want to cuddle his belly forever” over and over again for five thousand words at a stretch.

But that means Brain is thinking a lot about how Aziraphale is fat, and beautiful, and perfect exactly how he is.  And then Brain looks down at Body and is like “hmm.  Same hat.  ineffablefool is fat too.  Therefore, [insert math lady meme here]”.  And I will be, like, “okay, so if Crowley were to put his hand on Aziraphale’s belly, what would that feel or look like?  How would his internal narration describe it?  Well, there’s a belly right here, let’s do some science.”  And then the thoughts that I start associating with the experience of my own body are completely good thoughts, all of them, because they’re going to be going in Crowley’s head.  And my written Crowley is never going to be anything other than madly in asexual romantic love with my written Aziraphale, and is never going to see him as anything other than perfect, physically, no matter what he looks like.

And it’s just being a really good positive feedback mechanism, I guess is the tl;dr version.  External validation (via art, via others’ fics, via comments on my own fics, btw if you’ve left any of those then you are also helping extend my lifespan, especially the people who come back to comment on each new story, yes I recognize you and I do a little happy dance every time a familiar name pops up, please rejoin me on Monday I’m going to post my dickwheelie letters fic) is all well and good.  But the mental loop of “own body can be used for realistic descriptions of a fat body -> descriptions based on own body are all lovingly positive -> own body is therefore described by self as lovingly positive” is... it’s nice, is what I’m saying.  It’s very nice.  Last week I expressed, out loud in a group of coworkers, my desire that something be more size-inclusive.  Do you even know how many deaths I would once have suffered rather than say something like that in mixed company.  But why shouldn’t I say it!  There’s nothing wrong with my being fat!  In fact, it’s within the realm of possibility to see it as a positive thing, so let’s just all admit that we have eyes and then move on!  Geez!

So those are some of my thoughts on being a fat human being, in the era of Good Omens series fandom.

now if I can just score a hot fat ace Ineffable Significant Other out of this fandom, I’ll be set

#ineffablefool original post #if you want to give me any bullshit on any of this then Please Don't #i am well acquainted with ignoring trolls on my non-GO account #and am equally capable of applying that skill over here #but if you don't have any bullshit or but-what-about-health or but-my-tax-dollars then i'd love to conversate #ineffablefool is on about fat bodies being lovely again #i don't know why i keep forgetting that tag it's a very important tag #ineffablefool does some Deep Thoughts

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

Love in the Passion Tent

#dragon age inquisition #dragon age fanfic

[callunavulgari]

Year-In-Life | 2018

Or that annual New Year’s meme about yours truly.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before? Got a big girl job! Got insurance! Made my very own eye doctor appointment! Got an apartment all on my own with my boyfriend! And this all happened since October! Basically I haven’t had time to do more than sleep in like two months!!!!!

But like. I’m making good money now, I can actually do things like go to the freaking doctor when I’m sick and not completely bankrupt myself if I get hit by a truck or something. Oh, and my new job has PTO! How rad is that, I can get paid for taking vacations now? The only downside is my eyes are not taking the staring at a computer screen all day very well and ache ALL the time now. But hey! Things are looking up other than my eyes being stabbed out of my skull?!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Ugh I never remember what resolutions I actually made though! I mean, I know one of them was get a better job, which I did. I started smoking again for like two months and then quit again in November because holy shit I don’t need that in my life. I... briefly lost weight and then gained it all back because I stopped caring.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Couple high school people, I think. One of my best friend’s from middle school had her second kid. Another friend from middle school is expecting a third next year. But nobody particularly close, no. 4. Did anyone close to you die? I don’t think so.

5. What countries did you visit? Alternatively, what is your favorite place that you did go this year? Ugh, no countries. Nick got to go to Germany for his job training but I had to stay here because y’know, money, and also, money. Didn’t have the big girl job at the time and he went to Germany the week before we were due to go to North Carolina and I’m sorry, but I can’t freaking afford two weeks off of work. Couldn’t? Eh, still probably can’t unless I work crazy overtime to obtain more PTO. 

That said, I had lots of fun on our annual trip down to North Carolina. Once again I got to read a lot of books in the pool, chill on the beach, and play dumb drinking games with people five years younger than me. We also had an added date night, which I think I’m going to require every year.

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? Oh hey, I basically got everything that I wanted from last year. More steady job with insurance, apartment, not doing the college thing yet, but I’m going to have to think long and hard about how I want to proceed from here. This job opened up a LOT of opportunities for me, and I may pursue some of those instead of college. I just have to decide if that’s what I want.

Only thing that I didn’t get was, y’know, the ring thing. So here’s to hoping for next year? 

Also, ideally, we’re looking to buy a house sometime in either 2020 or 2021, so here’s to hoping we save up enough to make that happen.

7. What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? October 15th is when I started my new job. November 9th was when we moved out. Not many big events this year other than those. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Got new job! Got apartment! Read a metric crapton of books! Bought a nice couch that is all ours!

9. What was your biggest failure? Honestly? I’m not really sure. This year was kind of a good one. I’ve been very patient with Nick’s mom whenever we go on our weekly outing to one of the bars in our hometown and haven’t dropkicked her into the street whenever she gets too drunk. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Since moving out of the old house last month my weird allergy thing has improved wildly. We’re still using the sensitive skin detergent and I’m using very mildly scented soaps, but all in all the itching is so much less. I got really sick and missed Thanksgiving because I got some kind of stomach flu, and I think I had another stomach issue a few months back, but it’s been mostly mild. 11. What was the best thing you bought? I got new glasses at a vastly discounted rate because my vision insurance is apparently really good? We also bought a huge new sectional that is bigger, comfier, and LESS EXPENSIVE than all of the other couches we were looking at. I got Nick a sit/stand desk for Christmas and got upgraded to his old one by proxy. Got new books and a new painting for our living room. We also bought a new TV, because my old one was fucked and since we were moving out we didn’t have Seth’s to watch. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine. I was so good this year. 13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Eh. Nick’s mom drives me nuts, my mom drives me nuts, the roommates aren’t as bad now because we aren’t there, but it got a little spotty near the end there.

14. Where did most of your money go? Mostly things like bills, car payments, groceries, plane ticket to South Carolina to see my family, Christmas presents. While I got a reasonably good big girl job Nick got a reasonably good computer engineering job which means even if he is just a starting salary it’s still about 30k more than I make. Which just, blows my mind to say? Because I’m not making less than 15k a year now?  15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I’m sorry that you have to hear it again, but new job! New apartment! New books and new things and hopefully a new chapter of our life. I’ve been trying to not get too psyched about things just in case the bottom drops out, but for now I’m letting myself enjoy this.

16. What song will always remind you of 2018? Paradise Valley. The Sailor Song. Daddy. Smallest Light. Lots of things off the Stranger Things soundtrack. 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Happier? Yeah, happier. ii. thinner or fatter? Little more, maybe? Again, lost a bunch but gained it back. iii. richer or poorer? Richer. With both of us having good jobs it’s so much easier to save. I dumped a little more than I should have into Christmas presents, but I’m still okay.  18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Write. I’ve been really bad about it, but I’m hoping that this year I’ll find my stride. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Still pretty chill this year. Maybe gotten my head out of my ass and tried to get a good job earlier, but I can’t regret it too much. 20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent Christmas Eve listening to Nick’s mom bitch about things and eating food that kind of turned my stomach. Spent Christmas Day at his mom’s in the morning and then his grandparents’ all afternoon. Only managed to squeeze a tiny amount of time for ourselves this year, but we had breakfast together and opened our presents. Hopefully next year we get Christmas Eve to ourselves again. 21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? So, last year we spent New Year’s cooking curry (him) and pirozki (me) and watching Planet Earth. I’m hoping to do something similar this year, but we might end up at his mom’s place getting trashed since we’re both off the next day. We’ll see. 22. Did you fall in love in 2018? Maybe a little more. 23. Best month for you this year? October? November? August? April-ish? Honestly most of my months this year were pretty okay. Like, I’m so sorry for all of you that had shitty years, but mine was so much better than basically anything from the past goddamn decade.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Of just 2018? Didn’t watch too much this year? Watched the second season of Westworld, Voltron, the Sense8 series finale, Killing Eve, Castlevania, The Haunting of Hill House, Bride of the Ancient Magus, Lost In Space... But honestly, most of them were good but not fantastic. I really liked the Sense8 finale and Hill House. Oooh, also, She-Ra. And Little Witch Academia! Those were good ones. 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Eh.

26. What was the best book you read? Spinning Silver was so good, guys. The Goblin Emperor, A Tale For the Time Being, the Queen’s Thief series, the Kingkiller Chronicle, and the Nightrunner series were highlights too. It was a real good year for books, okay. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Paradise Valley. Holy shit that song is the best. 28. What did you want and got? I got a lot of stuff I wanted this year. The job, the apartment, books, games. Nick got me a fucking switch for Christmas and this really pretty teardrop necklace made of green glass that’s just fucking gorgeous. And I got the glasses, the stupid tv, the better couch... ugh, we spent so much money this year, but I mean, it’s kind of about time that we had the money to splurge a little?

29. What did you want but didn’t get? A... ring? I mean, we’ve talked about it and we’ve both been moving steadily in this direction, but it didn’t happen this year. I foolishly made a bet with one of his brother’s friends while I was drunk. He thought that he’d propose before December of 2020, I thought he’d propose before the end of 2019, so now even if I’m right I’m wrong and I know he is going to give me shit about it.

Also. I think I might actively want kids now? Like, not in a nebulous eventually kind of way, but I think I might want to start trying? I don’t know. More on that next year. 30. What was your favorite film of this year? The Greatest Showman was really great. Other than that though, I didn’t watch that many. 31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 29 went a lot like 28 and 27. Had lunch with Nick at the Lantern, and then lazed around until we went out to Old Bag of Nails with a few of our friends. It was nice. Nick got me knitting supplies because I mentioned a million years ago that I kind of wanted to learn so I could do something while listening to audiobooks.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Hah! A better president and a ring is the only thing that I didn’t get from my wishes last year. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? Honestly until I started having to dress for an office job my personal fashion concept was PJs all the time except for when I had to go wait tables for a few hours. Now that I have the office job I’ve been wearing lots of sweaters, scarves, and skirts with tall boots when it’s not too cold for them. My bet is next year I’m going to give up and buy scrubs like everybody else in the nursing department. 34. What kept you sane? Reading was really, really great this year. - STILL leaving this answer 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Eh. Amber Heard was recently very pretty on my tumblr dashboard? 36. What political issue stirred you the most? FUCK DONALD TRUMP IN THE EAR 2015678. —– Ayyyyy, this was my response from last year, and apparently also the year before and the one before! Hello past me’s, don’t worry, it’s still getting worse. 37. Who did you miss? Nick, while he was in Germany and when I was in South Carolina. It was dumb. I wanted to smooch his forehead gently. 38. Who was the best new person you met? I have lots of new coworkers, but Bryan is my favorite. He’s pretty cool and I could see myself being good friends with him if he doesn’t fuck off to a different state. 

39. Talk about a new friend that you made this year: *Sherlock voice* I don’t have friends. ---- I’m just going to leave this here. 

40. Post a picture from the beginning of the year:

Took this one in... early March, but it’s technically the earliest photo I took of myself that wasn’t technically from December of 2017. I really miss the dark hair.

41. Post a picture from the end of the year:

This was taken a couple days ago when I got new glasses. I am 100% not naked, I’m wearing a tanktop.

42. A memorable meal discovered this year? Uh. I don’t know if I actually tried any new recipes this year? Most things that I cooked were repeat favorites from last year and Nick hasn’t cooked too terribly much either. The new jobs thing has been nice, but also we have SO MUCH LESS TIME.

43. What was your favorite memory this year? I don’t know. There have been a few of them. I had a night that was kind of shitty and empty, and ended up reading that Cornstalk Fiddle fic that I’ve talked about and it turned into one of my favorite memories. The vacation and moving was pretty nice.

44. What are you excited for next year? Still wanna try for that trip that’s just me and Nick, but I’ve got my little brother’s graduation to go to in May and the North Carolina trip in August, which basically wipes out my PTO for the year, but we’ll see. Maybe we can take a weekend trip somewhere nice.

Oh. Also, I’m freaking excited for KINGDOM HEARTS 3?!

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018: Things can get better? Your life isn’t over if you don’t make it to college? Just. Things get better. We’ll go with that one. 46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: I’m singin’ in the rain Just singin’ in the rain What a glorious feeling I’m happy again

First Fandom of 2018: January seemed to be an ecclectic mixture of Star Wars, Harry Potter, Captive Prince, The Exorcist, and Teen Wolf before I settled into Stranger Things at the end of the month. Favorite Main Character of 2018: Ahhhh. Fuck, I don’t know. Ryan Dalias or Doug Eiffel, probably. Favorite Villain of 2018: Damien, from the Bright Sessions. He’s not... exactly a big bad, but he certainly isn’t good. Also, Billy Hargrove. Favorite M/F Couple of 2018: I actually read a lot of Jaime/Brienne this year because astolat started writing it and it was just really solidly good. Oh, Miryem and the Staryk Lord was also A++ Favorite F/F Couple of 2018: I did not read or write any, but let me tell you, I felt Isabelle Lovelace and Renee Minkowski on a fucking galactic scale. Favorite M/M Couple of 2018: Mark/Damien and Billy/Steve absolutely dominated all of my other fandoms this year. But also, Ryan/Akmazian hurts my entire heart. Fandom That You Never Expected To Get Into: The Bright Sessions? I did not expect to actually have feelings about these characters. Fandom That Made An Unexpected Comeback: Read some Harry Potter and Thor fic sporadically throughout the year. And Pacific Rim 2 hit my like a freight train. Fandom That Inspired The Most Crack: Uh. Stranger Things, I guess? Last Fandom of 2018: I mean, technically I’ve been reading more Harringrove because of the holiday exchange, but I’m still pretty hung up on Wolf 359 and the Bright Sessions. Unfortunately, neither of them really have fic? Favorite Fandom of 2018: I liked all of them, but Stranger Things and The Bright Sessions was so much of my year I’m gonna have to go with those two.

#heather says what #2018 #new year's memes #selfie tag?

[ofstarsandvibranium]

Us Against the World

Fandom: Star Wars (Childhood Best Friends AU)

Pairing: Poe Dameron x Reader

Summary: You and Poe have been best friends since preschool. At that young age, Poe made a declaration, a promise. One that he intended on keeping. Based off of this post.

Age 4

You were nervous entering the preschool. When your mom said she’d be leaving you there for a couple of hours, you were scared. You didn’t want to be alone.

“Don’t wanna go,” you said with a whimper as you clung to your mom’s hand.

She knelt down, “Y/N, it’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna have so much fun! You’ll make friends and you’ll forget you’ve been gone for a while.” You still had a scared look on your face. Your mom sighed, “If you’re good, I’ll take you out for ice cream, okay?”

You smiled softly and nodded. She walked you into the classroom and was instantly greeted to a woman about the same age as your mom, “Hi there. I’m Mrs. Organa. And who might you be?”

“Y/N,” you said shyly.

The woman smiled, “Hi, Y/N. Nice to meet you. Do you wanna go play with some toys?” You nodded and hugged your mom good-bye before heading towards the toy chest. 

You spotted a big fire truck and grabbed for it, but so did another kid. You looked up to see a boy with tan skin, black curly hair, and brown eyes. He picked up the truck and look at you, “Do you wanna play with me?” As if feeling your apprehension, he smiled, “I’m Poe!”

“I’m Y/N,” you said shyly.

“Wanna play, Y/N?”

“Okay.”

After that, you and Poe could not be separated. You both always got upset when you weren’t in the same groups for play time. You always wanted to lay next to each other for nap time, and you two always shared your snacks. 

One day in class, Mrs. Organa asked what everyone wanted to do when they grow up. Poe immediately stood up from his chair, “When I grow up, I’m gonna marry Y/N!” he said proudly. You blushed as all the kids laughed and made noises of disgust. Poe immediately got upset, “It’s not funny! Y/N is my best friend and I wanna be with her forever!”

Age 10

You and Poe sat in the principal’s office waiting for your parents to arrive. You and Poe held each other’s hands as Ms. Tanno looked at both of you disappointedly. 

Your dad and Poe’d dad, Kes, walked in frantically, “Is everything okay?”

“What happened?”

“Is anyone hurt?”

Ms. Tanno held up her hand and they all silenced, “The only person who got hurt was Mrs. Organa’s son, Ben Solo.”

“What exactly happened?” Kes asked.

Ms. Tanno gestured to you, “Go ahead, you two.”

You sighed, “Ben was making fun of me. Saying I was ugly and that no one would like me.”

“Then I was defending her and told Ben to buzz off!”

“Then Ben called Poe stupid and knocked him down. Poe looked like he was about to cry and then...”

You looked at Poe’s who’s eyes fell down to his lap and were filled with hurt, “He said ‘What are you gonna do? Cry to your mommy? Oh wait, you don’t have one anymore.” Poe started sniffling and you tightened your hold on his hand.

“So I punched Ben in the face.”

Kes knelt down in front of both of you, “Y/N, I appreciate what you did for Poe, but violence isn’t the answer.”

You looked down in shame, “I know, but after Ben mentioned Aunt Shara, I just..I just couldn’t help it.”

Your dad looked to Ms. Tanno, “So what’s going to happen?”

“Well, since Y/N punched someone, I’ll have to suspend her.”

Poe’s head shot up, “No! Suspend me!”

Ms. Tanno shook her head, “But you didn’t punch Ben, Poe.”

“So? I-It’s my fault that Ben got punched! I interfered! I should get suspended, not Y/N!”

“I’m sorry, Poe. It’s not how that works.”

Poe frowned and crossed his arms over his chest, “Well if Y/N is suspended, then I’m not going to school until she’s back.”

“Poe, stop,” you tried reasoning with him.

He looked at you, “No. Best friends forever, remember? They can’t separate us no matter what.”

Age 16

Poe was anxious. He stood by your locker, waiting for you to get out of math class. He kept muttering to himself, “You can do this. She’s your best friend. You got this, Poe. You got this.” as soon as the bell rang, he tensed. It was now or never. 

He stared at his shoes, his old beaten up Converse, waiting for your arrival. He tried not to let his nerves get the best of him. He’s known you for his whole life. He shouldn’t be afraid, he shouldn’t-”Whatcha starin’ at?” 

His head slowly raised and his brown eyes met your Y/E/C eyes. He smiled, “Nothin’. So, uh, I have something to tell you.”

“What’s up?” you asked as you switched your math book for your English book. You closed your locker and looked at Poe expectantly.

Poe gave a deep breath, “I like you. A-A lot. L-Like more than a best friend kind of like.”

A smile formed on your face, “Really?”

“Well, uh, yeah. I mean, you’re smart, funny, beautiful, fun. What’s not to like?”

You blushed, “I like you too.”

“R-Really? Like how I like you like me?”

You laughed, “Yeah, Poe.” You leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, “Now let’s get to class, yeah?” you slipped your hand into his. 

Poe looked down at your intertwined hands with a big smile on his face, “Yeah. Okay.”

Age 18

You had Poe had graduated high school. Despite it being a joyous occasion, both of you were saddened. Poe had be recruited to the Air Force. Within a week, he’ll be shipped off to training. So you two spent as much time as you could together.

He took you out on dates, he slept over your house, you two went on a day trip out of town, and Poe had gotten you a puppy.

“He’ll keep you company while I’m away. Right, Beebs?” the little corgi-shiba inu mix wagged its tail as Poe pet him, “Oh!” Poe pulled out the necklace he always wore: his mother’s ring hanging from a metal chain, “Keep this safe for me, yeah?”

You gave him a sad smile, “Okay,” you said sheepishly.

“I’ll think of you every single day. I’ll try to write as much as I can. But you have to promise me something, sweetheart.”

“What?”

“Don’t push everyone away. Don’t isolate yourself. This is your summer before you go to college. Don’t waste it crying over me.”

You began to sniffle, trying not to let the tears fall, “I’m gonna miss you so much,” you whimpered.

“I know, baby.” Poe kissed your cheek, “I know.” then he hugged you. He held onto you as long as you needed him to.

Age 21

You were typing away on your computer when you received a Skype call from Poe. You immediately answered it, “Poe?”

The grainy image of him appeared. He waved, “Hello, my love. Whatcha doin’?”

“Working on my novel.”

He nodded, “Ah yes. Our love story.”

“It’s not our love story! It’s Oscar and Angela’s love story!”

“Uh huh, which is based off of our love story, which technically means you’re writing about us. You even used our own descriptions for the characters!”

You looked at him surprised, “You actually read some of it?”

Poe scoffed, “Of course I did, baby! And you’re not subtle at all about the parallels between our story and theirs.”

You chuckled, “There are some differences...”

“Oh yeah, like how Oscar is taller and has more abs? You tryna tell me something, baby?”

You laughed, “No! You’re fine just the way you are.”

“Uh huh. Suuuure.” You both giggled, “Anyway, I got permission to visit next month.”

Your eyes lightened up, “Really?!”

Poe nodded, “Hell yeah! Can’t wait to see you, kiss you, hug you, fu-”

“POE!”

He giggled, “I’m kidding! Maybe...not really. Anyway, let’s see our lil fur baby!”

You called Beebs over to you and lifted him to your camera, “He’s doing well!”

Poe leaned closer to the screen, “He’s gotten fatter!”

“But he always whines when I don’t give him enough food! I feel bad!”

“You’re making our baby fat, Y/N!”

“Okay! I’m sorry! I’ll take him out more to work it off.”

“Yes. Sounds good.”

You sighed, “Well, I better get this chapter finished up. Talk to you later?”

“Of course. Bye, sweetheart. I love you bunches!”

“Bye, babe! I love you bunches more!”

Age 26

You and Poe socialized with your family. It was your dad’s birthday and your mom threw a barbeque for him. You stood next to Poe as you spoke with your neighbor and long-time friend, Rose. Meanwhile, Poe talked to long-time friend and Air Force pal, Finn, while his arm was around your waist. 

It felt so good to have Poe back, even for a little bit. As time passed, you’d gotten used to his temporary stays. Despite that, you two had gotten an apartment together. Something that was your own. It was a big step for the both of you, but it was a long time coming. As was this.

“Everyone! May I have your attention please?” Poe called out. 

You looked at Poe confusedly, “What’s going on?” Everyone circled around you as Poe pulled you closer to him. 

“Y/N, when I was four years old, Mrs. Organa, our preschool teacher, asked us what we wanted to do when he grow up.”

“Oh my God.” you held your hands to your mouth, already knowing what was about to happen.

Poe chuckled, “Don’t get ahead of me here, sweetheart!” He cleared his throat, “My answer to that question was that I wanted to marry you. And this is me keeping my word.” He pulled out a ring and knelt down on one knee, “Y/N L/N, you’re my best friend, my soulmate. In front of our closest friends and family, I’m here declaring my never ending love for you. Will you do me the honors of becoming my wife?”

With teary eyes you nodded, “Yes!” 

Poe took your left hand and slid the ring onto your finger. He then gave you a kissed and picked you up, spinning you around as everyone cheered.

Age 30

You were wringing your hands together as you paced back and forth in the hall. Rose, Phasma, Kaydel, Jess, and Rey watched you.

“Why are you nervous? You’re marrying the love of your life?” Rey asked.

“Oh, I’m not nervous about marrying Poe. Fuck yeah I wanna marry him! I just don’t wanna trip down the aisle or stutter my vows. You know how I am with speaking in public.”

Rose shrugged, “Don’t think of it as talking in front of a couple hundred people. Just think of it as talking to Poe. Making your promise to him and declaring your undying love and all that lovey dovey stuff,” Rose said. The other women agreeing with her. 

Your dad approached you, “You ready?”

You sighed, “Yup. Let’s do this!” 

Meanwhile...

“Oh God. What if I stutter? I don’t wanna sound stupid!” Poe whispered anxiously to Finn, his best man.

Finn shook his head, “Man, calm down. Whether you stutter or not, Y/N will still love you.” 

The doors to the venue opened and in walked the flower girl, ring bearer, and bridesmaids. They all joined Poe and Finn at the end of the aisle. Then the wedding march began to play and everyone stood. Poe gave a deep breath and then turned towards you. He was floored. 

You looked absolutely stunning in your wedding dress. You looked angelic even! You joined Poe at the end of the aisle. You chuckled as he wiped his eyes.

“Sorry, you’re just so beautiful.”

“Thank you and you look even more handsome.” you nodded to his formal Air Force uniform. You loved when he was in uniform.

Poe chuckled, “Thanks, babe. So, together forever?” he asked, intertwining your fingers with his.

You smiled at him, “Together forever.”

“Us against the world, baby.” he whispered as he faced the officiant.

#poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron imagine #star wars #au #childhood best friends au #modern au

[dreadlock-detective]

Diary Entry List

Whoooooo boy I haven’t updated this since this original post, so to keep things simple I’m just going to plop 4 entries (2-5) into this post after the cut. Middle of the night post, but eh, figure there’s not a large audience for my D&D writing anyway~ Sooo yeah! Cut!

Entry #1 is here 

Entry #2: Soap and Snakes

Geeze, so much has happened I'm already forgetting stuff! Okay, so back to the banquette real quick, because a few more things happened that I totally forgot about somehow! First, there was a representative from Delzimmer there, but they wouldn't help me get a payment sent over to you. They refused to deal with the Barons at all. Not that I can blame them, but it's just like some cushy family in Delzimmer to be as helpful as a bucket of vom. The Soverin... Soveren... Sovereign’s daughter did some kind of magic prophecy reading thing and long story short: something about three shadows of different colors all about horrible things happening... Essmer knows more about it than me. Didn't sound pleasant though. She passed out afterwards too. Sounds bad but I've got enough to worry about at the moment than some spooky divination or whatever. I guess that's the reason I've got this job though so I guess I'm glad she's seeing whatever it is!

It wasn't all doom and gloom though! After the Sovereign and most everyone left the hall Essman and Niles started playing music and Sir Veil asked me to dance! I mean, I have NO idea how to dance in a ballroom, fancy dress, and shoes, but I guess Veil doesn't either so it wasn't TOO embarrassing! Essmer got in with the dancing too after a bit with some dwarf lady who's dad didn't seem too keen on her being around such an old drunk human. It was quite an evening!

The next day we get prepped to head out north into the wilderness towards some old church. The Sovereign's son was our contact to help us. He's... much more what I'd expect from “nobility”. Stuck up, unpleasant, untrusting, and rude. We were able to get some nice horses, a cart, and some basic supplies but he wouldn't so much as help us get medical supplies, saying I am supposed to be able to take care of everyone! I'd be flattered if he actually thought that highly of me, but I'm sure he was just using me as an excuse to be a cheapass. Only towards us lowly commoners of course – didn't see him complaining about the absurd amount of food at the banquet! He's not the only problem though. I swear that Niles is going to be a pain. He had to run out and buy bars upon bars of soap before he'd gallop off into the wilderness! We're not traveling for relaxation! Gods forbid he feel a bit sweaty or dirty! He didn't get any better when he lost his horse- OH! Yeah, okay so how Niles lost his horse!

We were trying to pass a big o' river in our way and Lucan found a nice shallower safe place to cross so we got all ready to go. Lucan led the way across to a sand bar with me, Veil, and Essmer in the cart behind him, with Niles picking up the rear, likely because he was too busy preening himself to keep up. Anyway, the cart just got to the sand bar when I turned around just... saw Niles's hat as he plopped into the river as a MASSIVE snake back arched over him! (I swear Sir Veil heard him and just kept the cart moving until I yelled out about it). So yeah, this HUGE snake, with a mouth the size of Veil's body had a hold of Niles's horse! I hit it with some magic and it was, just, wow, largest living thing I'd ever seen! It nearly killed Sir Veil too! Tried to gobble him up and drag him away! But Sir Veil managed to kill it and claw his way out! I was actually worried for a moment but Sir Veil really can hold his own against monsters. Niles might be worthless and Essmer a drunk but with Lucan leading the way and Sir Veil to fight off anything that comes our way I think we really do have a chance out here!

He and Lucan managed to pull it's giant mass over to the far bank of the river and Lucan and I helped Lucan cut it up and dried out as much of it as we could! It's at least a week or more's worth for all five of us! Maybe if this doesn't pan out we can turn to hunting river snakes or something. Niles's horse didn't make it though, and he was super moody the whole rest of the way to the church. Guess that soap can't wash away his screw ups~! We're at the old church now – some old orc lady seems to be in charge here. Guess we'll be helping out around here for the moment. More on that after it happens I suppose!

Love ya!

Entry #3: Sheep Eaters

It'll be hard to sleep after tonight so I guess I may as well stay up and write a bit. Um. I guess I'll start with the reason for that and then end on a happier note. Maybe that'll help. But anyway, short version is we left the church outpost to look for a roaming shepherd who had complained about his animals being killed in the night – stripped down to the bone without a sound. Well, we found him and stayed up all night to watch his sheep and GUESS WHAT, WE FOUND THE PROBLEM. Giant. Bugs. Centipede or Millipede or something. Horrible things! Borrowing up from the ground! They came up everywhere! Their bite had some sort of paralyzing venom in it! You couldn't feel a thing! That's why the sheep never made a noise as they got eaten alive! Same thing nearly happened to Niles and Lucan too! And me! Thankfully Sir Veil was behind me and saw the one that had crawled up my back! Lucan got bit pretty bad but Sir Veil and I were around to help him. Niles though, he nearly didn't live through it! Thankfully I had just enough energy left to blast the last one off him before it could finish him off. Didn't have anything left to actually heal him up afterwards, but better than dead. Essmer got bit up too but not enough to take him down, thankfully.

That was terrifying. I don't really feel like sleeping anymore.

But on to the less horrible bits... not exactly pleasant ones but are less likely to give me nightmares. I went out scouting alone with Lucan for a day. First time I had been separated from Sir Veil in a while. Was kind of nice to remember I can still survive just fine without him watching out for me all the time. I screwed up bad though! I got excited since Lucan is also elf blooded so I asked him about his parents and... well... they're dead. The whole rest of the day was awkward after that. I'm such an idiot! And we didn't find what we were looking for, but we did find the tracks for that shepherd we followed later. The only other major thing I can think of to talk about is the big cat the store owner at the church had! Not sure what it was really but it was huge! Seemed to be fond of Sir Veil. He really is just a large weird kitty man! Growled like a demon when the rest of us went near it though! Niles tried to use some kind of magic on it and the shopkeep nearly slit his throat for it! She and Sir Veil insisted I try to pet the cat too... thought it was going to rip my face clean off... apparently it's just some game the shopkeeper lady taught it to do! I thought I was going to die! That's not a funny joke to play on someone!

Okay no thinking about that did not make sleeping any more appealing, really... I think the rest of them are looking to take on a group of bandits that have been harassing the church lately next. Not sure how many of them there are and I'm worried we're going to get in over our heads but I guess I'd rather fight some thugs than those bugs again. And now I'm thinking about the bugs again. Great. This hasn't helped at all. I'm done for tonight...

Entry #4: -

I'm not sure I want to write down how I feel about the last few days... But I want to keep this up to date so I'll at least talk about part of it. The shortest version is, I was very, very wrong before. Those bugs were not worse than fighting bandits. I mean, they honestly were probably a bigger threat but... watching bugs get smashed isn't nearly the same as it happening to people...

We found the trail of the bandits easily enough thanks to Lucan but he noticed the fresher set of tracks was headed back down south towards the church. Naturally we couldn't let the church go undefended so we took off after them and caught up to them earlier than we expected. They ambushed us in the tall grass with a few dogs and five or so men but they didn't put up too much of a fight. I focused on keeping people alive while the rest made pretty short work of them until their boss (some fatter man) came into view with a larger crossbow and fired a bolt straight into my shoulder. That, of course, got Veil rather upset but before he could do anything I went to fire a blast of radiant energy back at the man! It... behaved strangely. The glowing light slowed, dimmed, and burst into blackness! I tried to wander out of it but I couldn't find the end of it! I was beginning to think I had actually blinded myself when Essmer managed to dispell it with his glowing magical rock thing he made! By then the rest of the fight was over... I'm not terribly sure what happened but Essmer went off into the grass towards the rest of the noise and next I knew they were dragging the body of the bandit leader with them, now with most of his head caved in and a gaping wound in his chest.

We opted to head back north rather than return to the church for the night. Not a great idea, turns out, as rhinos of all things showed up and stomped out our camp fire and wrecked a bunch of our stuff. Especially Niles' tent. Thankfully they left without any major damage. The next day's travel we could see this gigantic tree off in the distance for the longest time. Before we slept, Veil and Lucan ran ahead to check out the tree, since that was an obvious place for a bandit camp. They didn't return until nearly the end of my shift on watch well into the night, exhausted and bleeding – the tree was a massive illusion that covered not just the tree but the area around it! Where the tree itself was stood a large watchtower and around it was a few cabins. Veil had broken the illusion when he got up to touch the tree and got shot with an arrow for his efforts. The two fled and ran in circles the rest of the night to throw any pursuers off their trail. When they got back they quickly passed out from exhaustion.

The next morning we went to attack as a group. Lucan snuck in first but was spotted and rushed out only for the rest of us to rush in. Niles, surprisingly, led the charge, ignoring the forward guards and their dogs and went straight for the tower! As for the rest of it, I'd honestly not like to write about. It was... barbaric. We all came out of it fine enough but... I don't know... it wasn't what I expected...

Entry #5: Sanguacon

It’s been some time since my last entry. The battle isn’t quite as distant a memory as I wish it was, but the fear has died down a bit at least. We found plenty of supplies in the camp so it was decided two of us should head back to the church to let them know and return with horses while the others stayed back to watch the camp for other bandits. Sir Vale suggested we be the two to go… I wasn’t really feeling up to it, after everything, but I didn’t have it in me to argue so, away we went. There and back was a full week of travel, so it was a lot of time together. It was pretty awkward at first but… one night, the “Sanguacon” found us. The thing the sheep herder thought was attacking his flock originally. It was supposed to be a legend.

Snuck right up on me while I was on watch and got a good bite on my shoulder before I even knew what was happening - spun around to see this massive… THING! It was taller than Sir Vale, super bulky, with stumpy little arms and legs. Like some freakish fat bunch of flesh just globbed together and became some horrible freak! It definitely drank my blood too, and I felt weak after it. Thankfully my scream woke up Sir Vale and he rushed over to fight it bare handed. It got a good bite on him but Sir Vale, for some reason, bit him back. Tasted like death, apparently. I lit up its back with my magic which it really, REALLY didn’t like but instead of fighting us further it plopped away before poofing into mist. Nothing left. No trial, no body, nothing. It was pretty crazy scary to be sure. Where it bit us the wounds don’t seem to be properly healing over even with magic. You can still see where it got us. But as scary as it was, seeing Vale fight it… it’s hard to imagine much being scarier than the thought of being on the other end of his rage… I think I’m starting to understand something though. We’ll see if it pans out later I guess.

Aside from that run in with a myth the trip was otherwise pretty dull. The people at the church were amazingly happy to hear the bandits were dead though! They had a super huge drinking party to celebrate. Pretty sure they all felt that in the morning…Trip back was a little more lively, since we had two ladies from the church with us and didn’t run into any trouble. Apparently the camp had been just as dull - after the week of traveling we did, Esmer, Niles, and Lucan looked bored out of their minds when we got there. As it turns out we couldn’t fit everything onto one wagon and though we had two the others had found other trails away from the bandit camp so we decided to try to follow those and leave one of the carts there.

And that’s where we’ve been for days. Just… out… on a path in the middle of all this grass. It goes on forever in every direction. We came to a fork in the path. Chose to go straight north as we had been instead of northwest. Got attacked by a flock of huge crazy birds because THIS PLACE IS JUST THE WORST and all the animals here want us dead. And just after that we came to another fork… this one continuing north and the other going southwest… so they’ve decided we should abandon our current path and see where the two side ones meet up.

I can’t help but think, if Vale had just listened - if he hadn’t murdered that last bandit - we might already know where we were going. We may have been able to prepare. We could have set out instead of heading back to the church. Could have saved nearly two weeks of wandering around in this sea of grass.

I’m starting to miss the muddy dumps of Delzimmer somehow… And I miss you too, Dad. Hopefully I can make it through this in one piece and work up enough gold to get you out again.

Until then!

#Dindel's Diary #d&d stories #5e #Dindel #dreadlock detective #Dungeons and Dragons

[cherrynika]

It’s nice to see Alex again though he usually avoids former partners. It’s simply been long enough since their breakup that no trace of awkwardness is felt, simply a sense of familiarity. He’s more or less the same, having decided to keep the facial hair Jipyeong had always hated. It’s as sleazy-looking in real life as it is in the instagram photos he pretends he’s not scrolling through. That’s a pointless exercise that makes him wonder if he’d be more successful if he had chosen to stay in San Francisco, or if he’d still be the same person but with shittier fashion sense. It does, however, answer many questions that he’d like to ask (have you neutered Tim Tam yet, yes), prefer not to (are you married, 2 girlfriends and what was probably a sugar baby later, the answer is no), and never wondered (Crossfit is indeed life-changing; hot yoga gives you 10 more IQ points!).

Alex is cordial and professional at the Sandbox, offering Jipyeong nothing but a handshake before they sit down to grade the baby startups. But he lingers conspicuously in the meeting room after all the other judges leave. Jipyeong fingers a piece of his hair that’s come loose despite the pomade and waits.

“You look fluffier. Fatter.” Of course Alex’s first words are about his weight.

“I started eating rice again. I hated low-carb.”

“Rice or tteokbokki?” Alex smiles. “Anyway, it’s not a bad change. Let’s go to Gotgan. I have a reservation for 7pm.”

“You made a reservation for two?” Alex has always been overly confident, but that’s his charm.

“If you say no, I’ll ask Dongchun.”

Jipyeong considers him, looking almost exactly the way he did when Ms Yoon first introduced them 5 years ago. She’s always been able to look right into him and see what he wanted. As much as he respects her, he’s never wanted to tell her that her matchmaking attempt worked. Nothing he does today will have the tiniest effect on the future. All that’s in the past. All that’s waiting for him are Yeongsil and his big silent bed. So he gathers his notes into his satchel and fishes out the keys.

“Let’s take my car.”

“Let’s take the subway. It’s not far and we’ll probably get drunk.”

__

They stay sober. While getting drunk is fun, Jipyeong’s most regrettable moments (bar one that has surfaced intermittently for the last fifteen years) have all occurred when he was intoxicated (crying at a class KTV when Mrs Choi’s favourite song came on, dancing to Wonder Girls in front of a girlfriend’s parents). Staying sober is for the best.

Alex makes some noises about heading back to his hotel room. They both know he doesn’t mean it.

“I want to show you my new place,” Jipyeong says when they’re halfway there. He’s forgotten how private the sidewalks can be at night, cars on one side, the river on the other, blanketed in the dark. “It’s bigger than the one I had before I went to America.” Waves of headlights wash over them, illuminating Alex’s face before dipping them back into darkness. Everyone is rushing somewhere that only they think is important.

“I’d be surprised if apartments could be any smaller.”

“They’re always getting smaller.” Jipyeong jostles against him to avoid a woman on a bicycle. Alex puts his arm around him and doesn’t let go. In San Francisco this is what couples do. In Seoul they’re just old friends. Skinship, being a mentor, being a sunbae--these are all great excuses for what Jipyeong really wants to do. Even through two shirts and a lined blazer his body wants Alex’s body.

They walk in silence though the lobby, past the doorman whose chief qualification is knowing when not to look and float skywards in the lift.

--

“We have to take our shoes off, I just want you to know. You can leave them over there. Yeongsil, lights please.” The lights flicker on, Yeongsil is clearly having a good day.

“You know, I don’t let people wear shoes in my house either… That’s not Alexa.”

“It’s Yeongsil, it’s an AI speaker. It’s one of Ms Yoon’s more promising startups. It’s… more interesting than Alexa.” Jipyeong says, taking off his jacket and leaving it on the table. “It told me you were coming last week.”

“No, no, I told you that I was coming.”

“Yeah, but before I got your email. He tells fortunes too and he told me someone from my past was coming.”

“Everyday you meet someone from your past. And you shouldn’t let it listen to everything you do. It’s going to get hacked.”

“Astrology is in, everyone is going to love that feature,” Jipyeong shrugs. “Nothing I do here is worth any money, they can just hack my bank accounts.”

“You’re not paranoid enough for someone who works in tech.” Alex says, as he almost fondles Yeongsil.

“I’m actually trying to reduce my paranoia.” Jipyeong takes Yeongsil from Alex and stuffs him under the jacket. “Does that make you feel better?”

“No.” Alex continues to touch the other things in his apartment without permission. “Is every photo here of yourself? I know you don’t have family photos but that’s so vain. You should’ve kept some of the gang at 2STO or at least something to remind you of me.”

“The internet is filled with pictures of you. Anyway I still have the Grandpa Rudin you lent me, it’s more useful.”

“Did you really finish it?”

“I just wanted to know why everyone complains about it.”

“Well, now you know I guess. If you liked it don’t tell me.” Alex has moved on to the cardboard sign that proclaims Jipyeong the 2001 winner of the Inter High Schools Investment Competition brushing a finger over the scratch mark Tim Tam made on it before Jipyeong decided it would be safer in his closet. “I like the lamps. Are you into art now?”

“The seller had it staged, I just decided to buy it the way it was. I think it looks very cohesive.”

“So that’s why it looks like no one lives here. It’s like you don’t have any stuff.”

“No, I have the plants and I keep the EXO and Apink merch in the walk-in closet, it’s too personal to have it out here.”

“Red Velvet is better. I wish it weren’t so bloody creepy to be an uncle fan.”

Alex is still the only man with whom he can talk about Eunji and Kyungsoo and not feel dirty. He’s stumbled upon Dongchun’s Twitter (which is, in his own defense, a fascinating read) and knows too much about his deep love for TWICE. There is something a little unsettling about ajusshi fans, even if he is one himself.

“I think there’s something more interesting we can do here.” he takes the sign and puts it back on the top shelf. “I haven’t been laid in 6 months. I’m going to burst.”

“Couldn’t you have picked someone up at a nightclub?” Alex is smiling in such a familiar way; they both know this old dance.

“They’re full of university students.” Jipyeong says while helping Alex out of his jacket, which surprisingly, is only GAP. “You smell like metal.”

“It’s Sartorial, remember? From Penhaligon’s? It’s got that magnesium note.”

“You still haven’t finished it?” Jipyeong bought it as a gift while in London for him. It was so long ago, almost like a dream. He’s had dreams, whenever he’s been alone for too long, of undressing another person, but he can never remember what happens afterwards. The dream-person’s shirt has no smell, no trace of sweat. He slips Alex’s shirt off his shoulders. No undershirt as expected.

“Nope. I bought another bottle. It’s different from all the other man-perfumes. It doesn’t just smell like tonka bean.” He slips a finger over Jipyeong’s mouth, smearing his summer lip balm before dipping inside and scratching his gums lightly with a fingernail. “Your mouth is as lovely as you are horrible. Have you learned anything since we split up?”

“Test me,” Jipyeong says.

The only light in the bedroom is light pollution from the city below. It’s still more than enough to see by, despite the fact that Jipyeong’s night vision has gone to shit from more than a decade spent staring at a computer screen.

[this part not written yet]

--

He dozes off without meaning to and wakes up to the sound of engines. Alex is playing F1. He must have gone through his closet and found the playstation Jipyeong has been trying and failing to quit.

“You’ve got some very impressive beard burn on your jaw. ” Alex says as he overtakes Rosberg. He’s chosen the Singapore circuit. Onscreen the city is cloaked in darkness, the only thing that exists is a winding silver road and cars driving nowhere at 300 miles an hour.

He leans over and takes the controller from Alex, crashing into a Ferrari before spinning out into the barriers. “Are you bragging?”

“No, I’m just being honest.”

It’s a strange mirror of their early days when he would wake up to Alex on a coding binge, the clacking of the keyboard starting and stopping with his thoughts, the weak light of his laptop throwing huge shadows on the wall.

Jipyeong rolls forward on his belly; he wants to see Alex properly. “What do you like about Samsan Tech?”

“I like their engineering. Dosan’s incredibly talented. Their CODA algorithm builds on existing knowledge, and is an improvement on it.”

“And that’s your professional opinion?”

“What else would it be based on?” Alex fixes him with a look.

“Well. People say that you can’t be emotional as an investor. But how can it not be emotional?”

“Jipyeong. I’m excited in the way that I am when I see something beautiful. I wish you could see it too. I still can’t believe you’ve gotten so old without learning to read code.”

“I can code.”

“I don’t mean using OCaml to code a model.”

“There’s only so many hours in a day.” He rolls over and watches the dead light from the screen play across the ceiling. “I can always ask an expert.”

“I’m going back to America after Demo Day, you know. As fun as it would be to stay here and pretend we don’t know each other I have a job I have to get back to.”

“I meant other experts.”

“There are none like me.”

“Well. Talking to you is more fun.” He tangles his fingers with Alex.

“You’re not still posting loss porn on Wallstreetbets are you?”

“I just did. Lost fifty thousand on Apple puts.”

“You’re going to end up living in a corndog stand again.”

“Actually, I won’t. I didn’t tell you yet but I found her last month. She’s in a food truck now. So there’s nowhere I would go.”

“Can I meet her?” Alex perks up. He’s always loved a good story. “I want to know what you were like as a kid.”

#fic