#please im on my knees begging for a crumb of news | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kissme-hs · 4 years

Text

Tainted love: 3

Here it is!! I’m so sorry it took me so long to update it but let me know what you think! Hope you enjoy it.

~Ria

Pairing: Fem! Reader x Chris Evans

Warnings: None.

*_*_*_*_*_*

Hatred is far from the feeling you felt. You were disgusted. Utterly disgusted with the man you put your trust and faith and your heart into who did nothing but took it for granted and it all into little crumbs of pain. All this time you blamed yourself for HIS actions that he not only did while being in his complete sense but knowing how wrong it is-continued doing it. The image you had of Chris in your mind now vanished, the man you once thought deserved to be prayed now made your stomach churn because of how shameful he turned out to be.

After sending him the text you thought, oh you thought that he would realize what he lost, that he would feel a little bit at least of regret in the back of his head but you were so wrong. It not only made you feel worthless but made you realize instead how your love meant nothing to him, how all those years you spent in each other’s arm vowing to each other to be in love until the end of time was nothing but a lie to him. Where to you it meant your entire life.

One doesn’t stay with a person for three years not to just fuck and say I love you’s for fun. With the years the feelings grow strong and at some point, you start fantasizing marrying that person, having kids with the person, grow old with the person. But when one decides to go and cheat, putting all the years of love in ignorance and throwing it all in the pit of darkness not only everything changes but the dreams once knitted by the eyes of the one who remained faithful in love, who was the true lover gets struck by the lightening of reality. And once the dreams crashes, it becomes nearly impossible to dream again because the dreamer starts seeing the real world.

Fuck dreams.

Became your to go motto ever since you knocked on his door.

The heavy teal door opened after a few knocks as you held your breath getting yourself ready to face the man who ripped your heart apart. But instead you were met by a pair of green eyes, gorgeous eyes. She stood there in his hoodie and a pair of short showing her perfect toned legs. Her dirty blonde hair and fuller plumps would made any man lose his girl and go crawling to her. She was an absolute piece of art.

“Chris we have someone here for you” She yelled leaning back a bit so the man could hear her. She gave you a side smile as a gesture of kindness. She was aware she was a homewrecker, she knew how much Chris loved you and she also knew being a good friend she should’ve stopped him when things became a routine between them two but she couldn’t say no to him. Chris would make any women go crawling to him too. She was equally shameful for what she has done not as close to how Chris was feeling but still. So when Chris asked her to come over explaining her what happen which she knew would some day she didn’t hesitate coming over comforting him.

“i-im Samantha” she replied stepping aside letting you step inside of your his house. The smell of familiar cologne and candles hit your nostrils making you tear up from the past good memories. Gi ving her a tiniest sad smile and a nod, you stepped inside of the house. Turning your gaze up to the sound of approaching footsteps you saw the man, and oh sweet jesus you thought you’d hate him but how could you when the feeling of love was always greater than hatred. But the pain crept up when you saw Samantha walking to him and rubbing his side comforting him, though she was guilty, she still at some point enjoyed the attention Chris gave her.

Though she might have a portion of kindness in her heart she was known for breaking homes. She was used to getting in pants of men who were committed. It made her feel special; it made her feel like gold that everyone loved chasing. Especially in this case, knowing what a prize Chris’s girlfriend, you were she was over the moon. She loved how Chris was willing to give up a beautiful woman with a proper job and who had her life sorted for someone who was nothing compared to you.

“Y/n” he breathed out ignoring the woman rubbing his arm. His eyes getting wet seeing your face after days. Jeez only if he could kiss you and tell you how much he missed you and loved you.

“I-im sorry, I’m so sorry” He said walking to you as you raised your hand telling him to stop, which he understood nodding his head and taking a step back. He felt the ache in his heart.

“He really is sorry, he told me everything after you texted him so I came running” Samantha uttered rubbing Chris’s back. It did nothing to you but made your blood boil as you closed your eyes and took a deep breath not wanting to say something which could hurt her feelings. Opening your mouth telling her to leave you heard Chris say that instead.

“Can I ask you to leave please?” He asked her taking a deep breath trying not to yell either.

“I-“

“Get out, get off my property” you spat. You and Chris jointly brought this house so you wouldn’t feel a burden on him being the independent woman you were. Feeling like she was shamed in front of two successful people, Samantha gathered her stuff and left within the next coming minute. Though you were a softie, there was no doubt you has a powerful side too.

“I’m sorry baby, I am so sorry. Please give me a second chance.”

“Why Chris? Why did you cheat on me? Was my love was not enough for you to sleeping with her. Tell me Chris did you not feel a little bit of shame fucking on OUR bed? Tell me why did you have to go and do that making me look like a fool? Why did you waste my time? WHY DID YOU FAKED THE LOVE if you wanted to cheat?” You finally let it out. You were crying at this not giving a fuck. He deserved to see how broken he left you. You were not going to act like everything was fine, like you didn’t care when you felt dead inside.

“No. No baby. Never for once I ever faked my love for you.” He cried cupping your cheeks-you finally let him touch you because you wanted to feel his warmth on your cold skin. His own eyes crying as you sobbed yourself.

“I-I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know why I decided to chase a rock when I had the most precious diamond. She is nothing compared to you. Nothing. I love you so much” He whispered resting his forehead against yours. You knew deep down he meant what he said. You felt the words hitting your body making your knees go week but it was for the best. The separation. So pushing him back slightly you gathered your broken pieces up.

“I just came to tell you that I am moving to California. I will always cherish the good memories you gave me” you gave him a broken smile wiping your tears with the back of your hand.

“No please give me one more chance” Chris pleaded grabbing your hands. His defeated eyes begged yours to give in, to see that he wasn’t lying anymore. That he was truly sorry for what he has done but being the strong headed woman you are, you shook your head and wiped his tears with your hand before cupping his cheek.

“It’s for the best. I still love you, but it’s not the same Chris. Let me let you go”

That was an year ago. An year ago you left the man standing on his porch as you turned your back on his forever, making your way to the new life that waited ahead of you in Los Angeles. The city of angels. The city that gave you a chance to put your words into songs, let your shattered voice sing it in a melody helping you reach out to him without reaching out to him.

And today you stood in front of over 100 amazing successful celebrities who warmly welcomed you in the family of Hollywood and decided to join you for your album launch party. You didn’t hesitate writing down your deepest condolences you had for yourself and singing it out. Every word people heard in the songs came from the bottom of your heart. Came within the true feeling of getting lost and found again.

Getting into the industry wasn’t hard for you. You were already a known person working for Hollywood and it not only being the reason how you met Chris it also gave you an opportunity to let your talent out. All those months you spent working hard to get acceptance by one of the music producers was the time when Chris was fucking Samantha. Only if he stayed the night you begged him to, he would’ve known it all.

Your album was dedicated to Chris. No one knew expect you. No one could know anyways.

Stepping down the mini platform where you expressed you gratitude to the audience you made your way to where the bar was set up to drink in the emotions that were bubbling up your throat from all the love you received to the pain that still ached in every nerve in your body. It was impossible to erase the memory of him fucking Samantha from your head. You were proud to you say you tried. Tried every way of escaping his face haunting your dreams every night. The feelings choking you down. The pain eating you alive. But you couldn’t.

“What you said there was beautiful.” You heard the deep voice of the man who you left standing on the door of Boston an year ago. Turning your body around, mentally preparing yourself for the wave of mixed emotions to hit you like a truck you faced his adorningly beautiful face. His beard looked fuller and his hair fluffier. He looked the same but his eyes looked dead, just like they were when you left.

“Thank you.” You gave him a broken smile.

“Can we talk? Please?” He asked you with eyes full of hope and you nodded letting him guide you out to the balcony that had the perfect view of the city. He deserved some time with you after an year of you completely blocking him out. He deserved to know that the words coming out of your mouth in the song were written about him.

“It about you, you know. The album” You said walking over to the railing looking at the illuminous city.

“I figured, I never knew you were working on something so big.” He stood beside you.

“You would have if you stayed”

“Listen, I’m not going to waste any more time. Im here to beg you back in life, I am sorry for what I have done but please give me a chance. That one year spent without you was my living hell. Everyday I prayed for you to come back but you never did and there’s no question why. I am a horrible man but I promise if you let me prove it that I am so much better than I was I wont let you down. I will love you even more than I ever have” he said with a soft voice guilt dripping with every word he spoke making you turn around to face him. His eyes glistening with tears and his hands holding each other in front of his chest.

Man was literally begging you.

“Hey you are not a horrible man.” You whispered walking to him as you put his hands down and held his one cheek in your hand. He instantly nuzzled his nose feeling your skin after days of being away from you. His knees were giving away and so was his heart.

“We all make mistakes but learning from them and moving on is important. I forgave you the minute I stepped away from our relationship. You’re nothing but still the most precious man I ever had” you said. Your own eyes picking the tears.

“then give me a chance” he spoke kissing your palm staring down In your eyes making your belly turn in knots.

“I cant. I have moved on Chris” You said breaking his heart. He breathed out biting his lower lip as he looked on. He never felt so defeated and helpless. But this is what he deserved for throwing away the best he ever had. For not respecting the beautiful relationship and woman he was meant to guard. He opened his mouth but the lump in his throat got in the way. He could just break down.

“Then let me be your friend. I just want to be in your life. Make up for what I’ve missed. Please don’t say no.” He trembled in fear you would reject him but instead you nod your head and pull him in a hug knowing he would break if you didn’t. Still knowing him like the back of your head you gave in his request hoping you could contain the emotions.

It is said, two who once fell in love can never be friends. Once in love, always in love.

So you stood there holding him, closed your eyes letting the man calm his cries. Falling back in the chakra of tainted love.

Tags

@captainchrisstan

@evansphnx12

@adriannajackson

#chris evans x wife!reader #chris evansxreader #chris evans headers #chris evans x y/n #chris evans x you #chris evans x reader #chris evans imagines #chris evans fandom #cevans

210 notes · View notes

reversecreek · 3 years

Text

clicks onto the dash wearing kitten heels n coyly holding my bang....... hi. me again. it took me so long to select a gif to use on cricket’s intro n i settled on this one bc he looks so unsure abt his smile n it’s rly his essence <3 u can find his pinterest board here n his (work in progress) spotify playlist here. hmu to plot!!!

* alex wolff, cis male + he/him | you know cricket donahue, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to should have known better by sufjan stevens like, a million times this year, which slipping on wet leaves to photograph a tree struck alight by lightning, delivering a tedtalk to your own reflection to hype yourself up to buy groceries, hiding your hands inside of your sleeves in case you grew an impromptu megan fox thumb overnight thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 1st, so they’re a libra, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

cricket ws born to a couple tht lived in lilac ridge. their trailer was tucked closest to the woods n always fell under the shade. it was like the leaves wanted to pretend they were a perpetual hanging cloud on the family n that was kind of fitting. their only reason fr having him in the first place was a kind of shrugged like........... we’re under the income bracket we’d get child benefits so why not! may as well try it to rake in some extra cash! needless to say they didn’t rly think it thru or anticipate all of the responsibilities tht came w children n wound up seeing him as an extremely large burden n boy didn’t he know it!

(child neglect & abuse tw) i’ll try to keep this part vague n brief but things were Not Good for cricket growing up. people in lilac ridge didn’t like his parents n it was for a gd reason. he remembers foggy things. being little n wandering around combing the grass with a stick to search for wrappers to suck on bc he was hungry. feeling uneasy when the front door opened. finding out his name was cricket bc the insects used to crawl into their trailer thru the vents n his parents liked to squish them into the carpet -- his mum told him as much once. i think this says a lot. to excessively trim the fat of the story he wound up entering the system at around 8 after his latest and most serious hospital visit. his parents hd to deal w the authorities n last he heard they bounced to evade charges.

(anxiety & violence & trauma tw) cricket sustained a few lifelong injuries from his time in lilac ridge. his knee didn’t heal right which meant he had (n still has to this day) a limp n he’s partially deaf in one ear. he’s always been an incredibly insecure n anxious person so this mde him rly self conscious going into a strange n new environment tht wld b difficult fr any kid to adjust to, nvm w these added worries. he jst felt like something weird to ogle at honestly. he probably wld have felt like that no matter where he was or what he looked like. he cld be in a huge hall of 200 people all wearing the same uniform n he’d still feel like the odd one out. needless to say this didn’t rly help him make friends

cricket’s coping mechanisms were romanticising the things tht other people found ugly or embarrassing or painfully ordinary. he liked it when the rain hit clunky drops against school windows n forbid everyone from playing outside bc he could feel the vibrations through the rubber soles of his shoes n it was a little bit like hearing all of the world at once fr just a moment. he liked medieval fantasy lore about stout gnomes w crumbs in their beards n cheeks red from ale. he liked fallen nests with the remnants of hatched eggs still dirty from the branches n soil they’d hit on the way down. he liked the way the sunlight leaked thru the leaves of the trees in the woods and how, when he sat very still, he could tune into the ringing that was always in his ear n pretend it was coming from the same place, that light thru the leaves, that the angels were trying to talk to him.

he spent a lot of time in the red room at his high skl (i’m begging u this is not a 50 shades reference) (after googling i jst realised it’s called a darkroom bt i’m leaving this fr the sake of sexy bimbo authenticity) n felt quite at home in there. he borrowed a camera whenever he cld (maybe he did yearbook) n photography became his way of immortalising the world as the romanticised version he wanted it to be. his memories were bad bt his photos were beautiful. maybe if he took enough they’d paste over n bleed into each other. maybe bad cld be replaced w beautiful if he tried his very best.

he got placed into fostering w a family once bt apparently didn’t meet the vibe check of their tastes so he wound up returning to the group home he’d initially been placed in. overall this is where he grew up n he aged out the system rather than getting adopted. there was a sense of floundering/isolation/not feeling gd enough in tht bt cricket made do the best he knew how.

that said there were some gd points! (shocking i kno bc his life hs been so fking bleak so far bt please it’s ok........) (is it?) (🤔). basically he interned as an assistant at this local photography studio during high skl working under this kind of whimsical yet endearing old man. suspected wizard possibly in cricket’s eyes, as an avid fantasy genre reader. for one of his bdays said old man / his boss bought him his very own film camera n cricket cried bc he’d never been bought a bday gift. this ws rly embarrassing bc this old man didn’t know how to emote n neither did cricket so he ws jst sort of sat wiping his eyes n sniffling saying he wasn’t crying as the old man pretended to suddenly clean his lenses. when cricket graduated he offered him a full time position there. they do like. wedding photographs n family portraits n all kinds of things...... pay isn’t huge bt it’s something n he Loves taking photos so it’s sexy <3

PERSONALITY:

SUCH an anxious person it’s actually unreal. overthinks absolutely everything he’s ever said. one morning he might hv put green socks on n for the rest of the day he’s nervously looking around like omggggggg they’re all looking at my socks probably thinking im a little green sock boy thinking i’m a fool n a jester this is all everyone’s probably thinking about i hv to hide my green socks..... even tho literally no-one cares

once saw a girl eating a chicken wing n in his head was like ok she likes chicken good future gift idea..... n turned up at her house with an entire rotisserie chicken

probably thinks WAY too hard abt what to write in bday cards n googles like generic ideas that he can use.... u open a card from cricket n it always says smthn weird like “Warmest wishes and love on your birthday and always!” or “You deserve everything happy. Wishing you that all year long!” tht he got off google

nervously fiddles w things a lot. literally anything. his hair. the cuffs of his sleeves. a thread on his bag. u name it

struggles w eye contact sometimes............ it’s like. he wants to talk to ppl n make friends bt he’s honestly so bad at it. he’s fumbling thru life like a nervous headless chicken

ALWAYS has his camera on him. like always. will tke a photo of u bc he thinks u look nice then be like im so sorry im so sorry...... bowing his head shakily holding his camera bc he doesn’t even kno what possessed him he jst thought it’d be a nice photograph bt boundaries exist. probably breathes very heavily over this later in his room panicking thinking he nw seems like hannibal lecter

probably more confident online bc he has time to think abt what he says more.......... i can see him hving a group of online friends tht he’s more confident w. honestly he’s pretty witty at heart he jst has a hard time verbalising things so ppl overlook him sometimes bt once u get to know him more / he’s more comfy he can b a funny little man.....

loves photographs where he cuts something out of them. loves missing spaces n voids. thinks it’s a rly interesting concept when something that isn’t there becomes the focus of a photograph where everything else is. probably loses his mind fr a collage like a front row 1d stan. likes experimenting w light n perception. pretty artistic honestly hs probably made a stop motion film in the past bc that’s just an extended form of photography in his mind bt i doubt he showed anyone

ummm...... very sweet bt like. he reminds me a lot of this quote. “he had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.” feel like tht sums him up quite nicely

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone he met at a wedding: cricket probably ws forced to photograph a wedding fr his boss one time n it cld b interesting as a place to meet from that....... like. i can imagine either it being rly awkward maybe he accidentally spilled a drink on ur muse n was stuttering rly apologetic n it ws just a train wreck. or mayb they took pity on him or even (in a shocking turn of events) a shine to him n invited him to drink n dance. omgggg the thought of cricket trying to dance makes me wna die n probably mkes cricket wna hyperventilate bt idk maybe he went wild n let loose. mayb they wound up damaging the camera somehow. mayb they had to scramble to get another one n ur muse covered the cost n it was a strange late night excursion tht cricket thought about a lot since. cricket probably vowed to pay them bk somehow no matter what. idk. we can work things out. lots of diff options here. doesn’t have to b a wedding either can b any event tht required a photographer

ppl he went to school w: pretty self explanatory i suppose...... maybe they were frm completely different worlds..... mayb ur muse was popular n cricket was definitely not but they got paired fr an assignment n had to work on a project together....... mayb cricket asked ur muse on a date one time n it was completely embarrassing bc he didn’t realise they had a bf n it haunts cricket at night still bc he’s rly dramatic.... mayb ur muse felt sry fr him n ate lunch w him n inducted him into their group like a lost puppy finding a home.... world’s our oyster

neighbours from his brief time at lilac ridge: not to reference taylor swift but i’m gna reference taylor swift n say we cld do a seven inspired plot here. sighs a little..... then sighs a lot. he was here ages 0-8 so idk. we cld work out childhood plots perhaps....

sickening simp: i mean.............. cricket probably gets crushes on ppl so easily like just. anyone who’s the slightest bit nice to him.................. he’s a disgrace. ok i take it back. bt also please get it together freak............... i didn’t say that. he’d probably b extra nice to this person n try n pay close attention to things they liked so he cld get them little gifts. just a bit embarrassing n lovestruck bless his heart. wldn’t expect anything back tho honestly that just isn’t something he tends to do.

let’s go gays: cricket’s bi but he probably was rly in his head abt liking boys n tried to sort of squash it internally during his younger yrs...... i think he’s more comfy w it now MAYBE idk bt back then i picture him having a friend tht ws kind of like. similarly loserish as him perhaps (no offence to ur muse potentially filling this plot or cricket bt let’s face the facts) n they’d hang out n play games a lot n one time it jst kind of happened n he was like............. *struts in looking around sharply* What going on here? except not. bc it’s cricket. more like *shambles in looking around anxiously* What’s, uh... What’s... the happenings? S--... I’m sorry. (immediate apology for saying what’s the happenings bc nobody talks like that n it was an impulsive panic bc he didn’t know what else to say)

those who grew up in the system w him: maybe at the group home or i’d also like the family that fostered him n said sayonara. honestly i imagine the parents just thought he ws a bit too much of a handful / had too much baggage which is rly quite merciless n terrible but. if u think that aligns w ur muses home situation hmu......

um. can’t think of more bt just anything honestly. jst go wild.......

#irvingintro #abuse tw #neglect tw #trauma tw #anxiety tw #violence tw #DOES A LITTLE JIG #admittedly i didnt include a formative moments section like my other intros bc idk what kind of superpowers i was inhaling the fumes of #for those intros but #i'm a mere mortal now.

12 notes · View notes

satonthelotuspier · 4 years

Note

I'm seeing prompts on your site and does that mean you are accepting them right now? I've never requested a prompt before and I don't know what to do? But if I'm doing it right I'd really like to see 13 for XueXiao from the bodyguard au prompt list? Fluffy or angsty, as you please. Am I doing this right?

OK so Im being obvious, but this contains XueXiao.

Modern Bodyguard AU so none of the complications of canon apply.

Now the disclaimers are out of the way, I have to apologise to the very patient @amaskinamirror bc this took so much longer to write than I expected. The reason being most of my prompt fics end up around the 1k-1.4k word mark and this kept going and kept going because there was a story there. It came in around the 4.5k work mark. Think of it as added value, unless you hate it in which case it’s not ;)

Pompts from this post here

Part 2 now available here

Xue Yang is the enfant terrible of the music world and his manager has pretty much had enough of his shitty behaviour. Features a thorny Xue Yang shaped by the worlds opinions of him, and a hardass yet caring Xiao Xingchen who maybe might just start to see beyond the lies.

Possible triggers/warnings: Also features swearing, man-handling, use of a date rape drug, minor injury and blood. Luckily XXC is there to save the day in all situations.

Xue Yang was woken up from a deep, no doubt alcohol-induced, sleep to the feeling of cold water being splashed in his face.

He shot upright coughing and spluttering and wiping water out of his eyes, trying to process what the hell had happened. The unconscious bodies around him all started to stir and groan back to lucidity.

Xue Yang followed the long line of the leg in front of him up to eventually meet a pair of dark eyes staring down at him without expression.

“What the fuck?” he demanded and tried to get up but someone he didn’t even remember the name of was laid across his legs.

It had been another party. One where they’d drunk hard and passed out before dawn some time; he didn’t know half the people here. That had never stopped him. Being the enfant terrible of the music industry took both time, effort and commitment.

The tall man bent down to extricate him, then yanked him to his feet.

“You have rehearsals in ninety minutes. Get showered, you smell like a brewery” a garment bag was pushed into his hands then he was waved in the direction of the hotel suite’s bathroom.

“Excuse me, but just who the fuck are you?” honestly his head felt a little woolly still from the after-effect of the alcohol he’d been drinking, but he was sure he didn’t know who this man was or what he was doing in his hotel suite.

“Your Fairy Godmother, Cinderella, now go get a shower, you’re wasting time”

Xue Yang grabbed hold of the collar of his jacket, “Don’t bullshit me”

The hand that clamped around his wrist was steel-like, “Your new security. Your manager sends his regards. I won’t tell you to go and shower again”

“Firstly, if you are security you are not my boss, so you can stop with the ordering me around like I’m your little bitch, secondly, you are my security? I’m sure if a duckling gets too close you’ll do a great job, otherwise…” he was going to push the other away, sure because of his willowy frame it would be easy. Quite how he ended up in an armlock and being dragged to the bathroom he didn’t know. He bit his tongue to stifle the cry of pain; no way would he utter the noise aloud. “Who the fuck do you think you are?” he snarled as the other kept going into the bathroom.

“I’ve already explained. I’m not going to repeat myself” the man opened the shower door, pushed Xue Yang into the cubicle and pushed the on button.

Of course Xue Yang never learned his lesson; he launched himself at the other only to bounce off the cubicle door as the other shut it behind him, holding it closed.

“New world order, xiao-Xue, get used to being my little bitch” the other grinned as Xue Yang punched the glass then yelled at the pain in his hand, “Clean up, I don’t want to be forced to come in there and clean you up myself”

***

Xue Yang curled himself up as small as possible on the back seat of the car; he was in high sulk. After calling his manager to demand an explanation of what was going on Jin Guangyao had told him in no uncertain terms he’d better get used to the idea of Xiao Xingchen being around. His new security was not only there to provide for his personal safety after a spate of disturbing mail (more disturbing than the usual run of the mill threats at least), but to whip him into some kind of shape as Jin Guangyao was convinced his terrible behaviour, bad reputation and general personality was about to lose them some very large contracts.

Everyone loved a bad boy in theory, but when it began to affect his ability to make his management company money then they were definitely going to act to protect their asset.

And that had come in the form of Xiao Xingchen, who looked as gentle and fragile as an orchid but who had already handed Xue Yang his ass once today already.

“A-Qing, I need breakfast” Xue Yang whined at his assistant as his stomach rumbled for the fourth time.

“You shouldn’t have upset the new bodyguard then” she mocked him quietly, and he retreated even more, pulling the hood of his jacket up and wrapping his arms around his knees as A-Qing took pity on him and leaned forward to ask the driver to stop at a nearby coffee shop.

They did, and A-Qing and the driver returned with coffees for all and a bag full of muffins.

Lao-Xia, the driver, and A-Qing had been with Xue Yang long enough to not meet his gaze as they started on their own food; Xiao Xingchen had no such warning; he was too busy goggling at Xue Yang who had made his own muffin disappear like a magician with a rabbit.

“Are you going to eat that?” Xue Yang asked, pointing at the baked bun in Xiao Xingchen’s hand.

He simply offered it over; perhaps surprised at the demonstration of the speed at which a muffin could be demolished without trace.

The second one followed the first in quick order and Xue Yang froze as the other reached over to brush the crumbs that had stuck to the corner of his mouth away with a thumb.

“You don’t want the Paparazzi to catch that” he said simply before turning in his seat to look out of the windscreen and sip at his coffee.

Xue Yang curled back in on himself and held his ridiculously sweet iced coffee to his chest.

“You eat too much sugar” Xiao Xingchen told him as Lao-Xia started the car and set off driving to the studio, “You need something to give you energy for the first meal of the day”

“Good luck with that, he functions on pure sugar and supplements” A-Qing mocked and Xue Yang shot her an annoyed look.

***

Xue Yang didn’t know why he was surprised the next morning when he was awoken by a solid shake to the shoulder.

He hadn’t been able to avoid the other to sneak off to party last night so he wasn’t hung over but that didn’t mean he was any more amenable to the idea of waking up.

“Come on Sleeping Beauty, you have to be at your first interview in an hour”

Interviews. His mortal enemy. The thing he hated most in the world. And he was still no better at dealing with them than he had been as a fresh face on the music scene, where the press had crucified him, thrown every painful fact of his past in his face and then painted him as a troubled bad boy with a temper; a role he’d eventually just given up fighting against and embraced.

He threw the blankets over his head; maybe if he just went back to sleep the interview would disappear.

The blankets were thrown back.

“Dude, what the fuck?” he demanded, was he allowed no privacy at all anymore?

“Get up” Xiao Xingchen jerked his head towards the bathroom.

“Fuck off. I’m not going” he reached out to push the other away.

It went about as well as yesterday had for him; he ended up face down on the bed with his arm locked up between his shoulder blades.

“Are you going to learn any time soon? I mean, kudos for persistence but lose points for stupidity. Now, last chance to get up on your own, otherwise I’ll throw you over my shoulder and you can go dressed like that”

Xue Yang wasn’t sure he believed the other was strong enough to actually carry him out of the hotel room, but he daren’t take the chance he might be dragged out kicking and screaming and dressed in his ratty old t-shirt and shorts.

“Fine, yes, I’m getting up. Let me go, please” as a street child he’d learned to beg prettily and it wasn’t a skill he was averse to using if he needed to, to survive. It didn’t need to be sincere, it just needed to sound it, to be calculated to pull on the other’s heart strings.

It didn’t seem to affect Xiao Xingchen, but he was released nonetheless.

***

Xue Yang of course arrived on time for his first interview, (there were three in total scheduled for today), as far as they went it wasn’t particularly gruelling for him, but he was fully aware he was a mess by the end of it; he’d probably come across like he was on drugs, but it wasn’t like that would be the first, second or third time the rumour would circulate in relation to him.

He knew Xiao Xingchen eyed him in consideration, but he ignored it; he didn’t have the presence of mind to survive the next two interviews and worry about what his new security agent was judging him for today.

He was much worse by the end of the second; he had been left alone a sitting room of the hotel the interview’s had been arranged at and he lowered his head into his hands, trying to even out his breathing and calm himself. His professionalism would be questioned even further if he failed to complete the last interview, or screwed up during it.

He felt the couch dip next to him, “Here” he looked up, poison on his tongue ready to be spit at Xiao Xingchen when he realised the other held out one of those large chocolate chip cookies in a napkin. There was also iced coffee sat on the table in front of him.

“Just relax, empty your head, and focus on the cookie” Xiao Xingchen informed him; raising an eyebrow as Xue Yang didn’t immediately accept the confectionery from him.

He took it with tentative thanks; and it vanished almost immediately once he’d decided to accept the gesture. Once he’d gotten the sugary coffee inside him too he felt much better.

***

Despite his trash reputation he wasn’t late for a single appointment over the next weeks; Jin Guangyao assured him it was perfectly alright to project the rebel for the masses but when you played the brat with the people in the business you’d soon be blacklisted; a risk he wasn’t willing to take with Xue Yang.

Xue Yang hadn’t managed to get near alcohol or a party in that time due to Xiao Xingchen’s hawk eyes and iron control.

Since the second morning though instead of being woken up with a bucket of water to the face or bickering the other had started showing up with a sweet pastry and a staggeringly sugary iced coffee which he traded off for Xue Yang eating better at other mealtimes.

Overall it didn’t seem Xue Yang had a moment of time where the other wasn’t somewhere close, controlling everything, keeping a watchful eye out.

And it bothered Xue Yang; he didn’t get used to the feeling of Xiao Xingchen being there like he’d been assured he would. He was still hyper aware of him, and he didn’t necessarily think it was because he was intimidated, despite the fact they’d had a few more altercations, none of which ended well for Xue Yang.

***

He tried to ditch his new security for his monthly visit to the orphanage his charity had built and ran; the less people who knew about it the better. Of course he couldn’t shake the other off so he had to attend followed by Xiao Xingchen, and explain to the children who the tall ge was. He was a great hit with them, and although Xue Yang pretended to be annoyed at Xiao Xingchen getting all the attention that the youngsters usually showered on him secretly he was entertained as he watched the other romp with the rough kids, or play softly with the quieter ones.

“This is the first time you’ve brought a bodyguard” he turned slightly at the sound of Tian Ying, the matron of the orphanage and the woman who’d helped bring him up in a similar institution when he had been a boy had come up beside him. “Are you in danger, xiao-Xue?”

“Of course not” he didn’t consider the crazy mail Jin Guangyao was filtering from him any more of a threat than any of the other mail he’d received in the last few years, and he definitely didn’t want her to worry about him, “They just decided I needed someone to carry my bags for me”

He didn’t have time to say much more as he was dragged into an impromptu game of football in the yard, where he and Xiao Xingchen were on opposite teams.

They played around half-heartedly until a Xiao Xingchen who was grace incarnate except apparently on a football pitch, stuck his foot out and took Xue Yang’s feet from under him and he tumbled. The fall itself wasn’t bad but he was a little grazed as they played on the yard and not grass.

Xiao Xingchen was unusually all apologies and personally saw to tending the grazes Xue Yang’s tumble had caused, despite his assurances he was absolutely fine. The touch of the other still made his pulse flutter in some odd emotion and the way Xiao Xingchen kept glancing up at him, like he’d discovered a rare and new species, was disconcerting. And pissed him off, because he could guess what it was about.

“Just don’t” he said through his teeth so no one around them could hear.

“Don’t what? Congratulate you on what you’ve built here? On what you’re doing for these kids?”

“Yes, don’t. I don’t want to hear it” he sucked a breath in at the sting of the antiseptic where Xiao Xingchen applied it to his grazes.

“Alright, whatever you want” Xiao Xingchen let it drop but he still looked at Xue Yang with something approaching admiration in his eyes.

And it was addictive, to have someone look at him like that, and not like he was trash. But then it had never bothered him before. Was it purely because it was Xiao Xingchen and he wanted to be more than trash in that man’s eyes?

“I guess you read too many gossip rags” Xue Yang sniped, “I’m not on drugs, in any weird cults, or a complete slut either”

Instead of bullshitting him and denying he’d thought anything of the kind Xiao Xingchen agreed instead, “I’m beginning to see that. Of course that doesn’t mean you don’t have a vile temper, that you don’t ever learn your lessons, or that you don’t sulk like a baby when I tell you no”

He was about to make one of his usual responses when the game of football moved closer and he clamped his lips closed on the curse.

There was a knowing, teasing look in the other’s eyes and as Xue Yang looked down into that finely-boned face he realised why the other’s good opinion had meant so much to him; why he was on tenterhooks whenever Xiao Xingchen was near, which was all the time at the moment, and why his pulse fluttered like his veins were full of butterflies whenever the other touched him. He was in love with Xiao Xingchen.

Well fuck.

***

Xue Yang paced around his hotel bedroom, feeling like a caged tiger. He wanted to destroy something. No, he really wanted a stiff drink.

Was he a masochist? What had made him fall in love with a man who knocked him around for fun? No of course that was unfair, Xiao Xingchen only ever restrained him and only when Xue Yang attacked first. Still, it must definitely be masochism.

Or Stockholm Syndrome; he had been at the mercy of the other, a virtual prisoner, for weeks now.

“I need a drink” he exclaimed aloud; and so he formulated a plan.

He took a quick shower and changed into something black and sexy and flashy, then he he called reception and asked for a taxi cab, and that they ring up to let him know when it had arrived.

He waited by his bedroom door, peeping through the tiniest opening for the phone to ring back; and as Xiao Xingchen got up from the couch to answer it he dashed out and past as silently as possible to give himself as much of a head-start as he could manage.

The doors of the elevator were closing just as he saw Xiao Xingchen enter the hallway and yell at him in rage.

He was in the taxi and away; his freedom all the sweeter for being carefully wrought.

***

Xue Yang was beginning to feel pleasantly buzzed and he was chatting quite happily with the guy who stood next to him at the bar of the VIP lounge. He’d been greeted by the usual crowd who hadn’t seen him around for the weeks he’d been kept prisoner, (OK maybe that was a little dramatic), but he’d never seen this guy before and new people were interesting.

Although he was beginning to get uncomfortable at how the other stared at him intently after he’d finished his drink.

He excused himself to “visit the bathroom” when life finally caught up with him. Life of course being Xiao Xingchen.

He pushed Xue Yang up against the wall of the corridor to the bathrooms, which was surprisingly currently empty.

“Hey” Xue Yang protested, although with alcohol relaxing his muscles it hadn’t really hurt as he hadn’t tensed for impact. Actually being pinned against the wall by the man you’d fallen in love with was quite nice. He had zero experience, bar some awkward kisses with a girl who’d known as little as him when he was younger, but apparently being manhandled was beginning to be something he enjoyed. Maybe because it was Xiao Xingchen though.

“I’d advise you to keep really quiet, I’m this close to spanking the living hell out of you” and really he’d never seen Xiao Xingchen’s deceptively delicate face so twisted in anger.

But of course alcohol impaired one’s judgement; to dangerous levels sometimes.

“Is that what you like?” he asked.

“What?” Xiao Xingchen was confused, his hand tightened on Xue Yang’s collar as if he suspected the other was planning something.

“Spanking, do you get off on it?”

“You really have no fucking self-preservation instincts do you?” Xiao Xingchen demanded and if Xue Yang hadn’t been so muddled due to the reaction of his body to the other, and the alcohol humming through his bloodstream he might have realised how much trouble he was in; he had never heard the other curse before in all their weeks together.

Instead he gave in to the urge pounding at the base of his brain, unable to control it anymore. He threw his arms around Xiao Xingchen’s neck and kissed him.

Well, it was clumsy and unskilled, but it probably still counted as a kiss.

He was pushed back against the wall unceremoniously, “What do you think you’re doing? You are my client. You are drunk. You are so out of line right now”

Of course he hadn’t really expected a different response. He somehow managed to pull himself free and stumbled back out into the VIP lounge.

Actually he seemed to be more drunk than he’d realised. He was suddenly barely able to control his body and he felt like his head was full of cotton wool. A hand touched his back, “Oh, you look terrible. Do you need to lie down? Should we get you out of here?” he was vaguely aware the voice wasn’t Xiao Xingchen’s, it belonged to the guy he’d been talking to at the bar, as he was guided towards the door but he really did need to lie down right now. He was about to nod his agreement when the supporting hand was violently removed.

“What the fuck did you give him?” that was Xiao Xingchen, although he couldn’t work out what the question meant. He felt the iron-grip of his security’s hand and he was pulled close to the other; he recognised the familiar scent of his aftershave and it set his mind at rest.

***

It had been days since the nightclub incident; and he’d managed to act completely clueless about the entire evening. In honesty there were huge swathes of Xue Yang’s memory that were completely blank, but he was cursed with vague recollection of him kissing Xiao Xingchen.

He wanted to die from embarrassment. He wanted to mope around at the rejection. He had to pretend like he was completely clueless about everything that happened though and let the other just write it off as a side effect of the Flunitrazepam the random guy at the nightclub had put in his drink.

He had been in touch with Jin Guangyao and begged the other to find him new security. He couldn’t carry on being around Xiao Xingchen all the time, feeling like he did, and scared to death he’d do something stupid to reveal his feelings in a way that couldn’t be pretended away like that stupid kiss.

He had faithfully promised he’d keep up the good behaviour Xiao Xingchen had bullied into him so long as Jin Guangyao replaced him with someone who wouldn’t cause Xue Yang such pain to have close.

His manager had promised to at least look into it.

Xue Yang didn’t realise he’d been wool-gathering in his head and managed to separate slightly from Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing until he saw a face in the crowd that made him uncomfortable.

He didn’t recognise the man but the fear that skittered down his spine was very real; he turned to try and get closer to Xiao Xingchen who called his name and dashed over; the flash he caught from the corner of his eye had him raising his arm in self-protection. He was dragged out of the way and thrown to the floor, catching nothing but a glancing blow as Xiao Xingchen took out the threat.

It was all very chaotic after that as the crowd helped keep the attacker captive until the police could arrive, and ambulance was also called as both he and Xiao Xingchen had taken knife wounds.

His was a cut to the arm that didn’t particularly bother him, it was the wound on Xiao Xingchen’s side that scared the life out of him. He used his folded jacket to keep pressure on the injury.

A-Qing fluttered around trying to get him to let someone else take over so they could do the same for his arm but he just waved her off; it was nothing.

“You really have no fucking self-preservation instincts” Xiao Xingchen told him in annoyance; luckily he seemed fully conscious at the moment.

“I know. I‘m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll be better from now on” he felt close to tears but fought them back brutally.

Xiao Xingchen nodded at what he said and looked into his eyes, “At least you’ll get your new bodyguard now, silver linings right?” he reached out with his left hand to thumb away one of the tears that Xue Yang hadn’t realised had escaped.

Fucking Jin Guangyao and his stupid big mouth.

“It’s for the best, xiao-Xue, in light of everything”

Which meant Xiao Xingchen was aware of his feelings and agreed the best way to deal with it was to move on. Well there went his dignity.

“You’re too precious for this cruel world in the limelight, anyway” Xue Yang tried to mock, his voice a little strangled.

“Which of us do you mean?” Xiao Xingchen asked and it was both an arrow to his heart and salve to his ego to hear such an opinion from the other.

He was glad when the paramedics had arrived and he was shuffled away to have his own wound dealt with so he could save some face. If the paramedic thought the tears were a reaction to the pain or shock of being attacked then good.

They were taken to a nearby hospital to be treated. Xue Yang’s cut needed a few stitches so he was ready to be sent away reasonably quickly, but he stayed in the waiting room until A-Qing came back to report Xiao Xingchen was fine, he’d be kept in for a few days as his would was deeper and nastier but he was stable and in no danger.

“Aren’t you going to visit before we go?” she asked, but he shook his head. And honestly she was smart enough that she probably knew what was going on and why he didn’t want to impose on the other. “Alright, lets get you back to the hotel. I think Jin Guangyao will be waiting, unfortunately, I can’t do anything to put him off this time”

Xue Yang sighed and accepted his fate.

One Month Later

The stage lights faded for the last time and he was finally able to slip offstage. He was lathered with sweat and completely exhausted. Xue Yang’s knife wound hadn’t been particularly deep or damaging but it was surprising how much it had knocked him down. He still tired out so much more easily than he was used to, but he hadn’t wanted to put this concert off, preferring to get it out of the way so he could take a holiday for a couple of weeks and use it to think about the next steps in his career, and indeed life, with nothing hanging over his head.

The man who had attacked them had been the same who had drugged his drink in the nightclub, although due to the effects Xue Yang couldn’t identify him; it had been lucky his subconscious had reacted to the man though, or it could have been so much worse.

He accepted the towel A-Qing held out for him as he met his entourage in the back stage passages and dried off, pulling on the coat she had also brought him.

There was an oddly smug look on her face and he questioned her.

“Nothing, just something funny is all” she refused to be drawn on what caused her to smile so.

They made it back to the dressing rooms and he was bundled inside.

He wondered, uncharitably, if she was on drugs.

“No rush, your car won’t be here for quite some time yet” A-Qing told him as she shut the door behind him and he turned to find his street clothes. Except he wasn’t alone.

Oh.

Suddenly he daren’t move from the doorway, not sure whether to tear it open and flee or move into the room and act like he wasn’t bothered in the slightest.

In the end he compromised, did nothing and stayed exactly where he was.

“Why are you here?” he tried to keep his voice steady, and luckily it didn’t shake too much.

“Why do you think?” Xiao Xingchen asked him.

#mdzs #mdzs fanfic #mdzs fic #xuexiao #xue yang #xiao xingchen #Modern AU #Bodyguard AU #Blood cw #injury cw #date-rape-drug cw #pining #one-sided feelings?

30 notes · View notes

sockpansy · 6 years

Text

Do a little dance

Let me hope onto hid marc x nathaniel train

_____

Being friends with marinette means that you always having a friend.

It also means you have sleepovers in her room with more sweets than what is legal.

“I swear marinette, im going to marry you just so I can eat sweets every day.” Marc said between the crumbs of what was probably a mouthful of cookies.

Marinette laughed." I am sorry Marc, but I must reject, I plan to Mary Adrian, and besides, o think Nathaniel is more your type."

Marc choked on a fudge bar."so that is why you wanted a sleepover so suddenly"

Marinette giggled."guilty. Well that and you look amazing in the new pajamas I made you. Nathaniel actually helped design the shirt!"

Marc looked down st the pajamas marinette had shoved at him when he climbed into her room. The pants were simple, half black, half white, right down the middle, the shirt was a t-shirt with the cover of the comic on it. With ladybug and chat noir in front, and mightillstrator and reverser in the back, back-to-back.

Marc blushed a bit ad he looked st the shirt and hugged himself."im protecting this with my life."

Marinette giggled and sneakily threw a cookie up to her bed where tikki stayed hidden.

"So Marc...can I take s picture of you?"

Marc stopped mid bite into a crossing."huh? Uh...why?"

Marinette was staking out her phone."so I can send alya a picture of the pajamas! And Nathaniel, since he did help with the shirt."

Marc was blushing, but knew this is something you don't tell marinette 'no' too, cause if she wants a picture of the clothes she made, you pose for her.

And that is what he did.

Marc had stood and gave a shy smile as he made sure you could see the shirt design by pulling the end of the shirt down. Marinette happily took pictures.

"Annnnd, send! Oh wow Nathaniel replied fast."

Marc blushed and looked over st her phone."what did he say- you have him named 'tomato boy' in your contacts?"

Marinette blushed."don't tell him, he would kill me....or...have alix kill me."

Marc made the motion of zipping his lips.

Marinette smiled."he sent a thumbs up and said it looks amazing on you."

Marc became a tomato boy himself then.

____

Marc didn't know how, but he regretted it.

It was splaying truth or dare with marinette.

So far he had just picked truth, but he knew he cant do that forever.

"Or marinette, truth or dare?v

Marinette hummed."you know what, dare."

Marc was silent and an idea struck him.

"OK marinette, I dare you to NOT dare me to confess to Nathaniel, or anything else involving my feelings to him and him finding out."

Marinette gasped."you think I would?"

Marc gave her a look.

"Understood, I accept the dare."

"So Marc....truth or dare."

Marc, feeling a small amount of courage from his dare to marinette, gave a grin. "Dare me."

Marinette took out her phone and held it out to him."sing and dance to this song and let me,sing the video to my group chat with alya, Juleka, rose, mylene, and alix."

Marc blushed as he looked at the song and thought about the chat and who all was in it.

"....fine..."

____

And this is were we are, with Marc standing in. Marinette's room, with the song 'tongue tied' by stereo skyline starting up.

Marinette held back her giggles as Marc bobbed his head to the music and said."im not going to sing very loud."

Marc took a breath and was bouncing s little. "Got caught in a dream world, were you are my dream world, since you first come around and talked to me." He half heatedly moved his arms around as he sung along with the song playing from his phone. "But my words got choked up, wish I would'a spoke up, but now you and me is only make believe."

This felt very close to home, but Marc was bouncing s little more and starting to smile as he sung s bit louder and was moving his hands to try to act out the words.

"Cause I'm...tongue tied! Cant find the words to say that, I-I need you by my side." He held his hands together and pumped them over his heart. "But im" does a little shake" terrified! Just to talk to you. I won't be, satisfied, til I'm tongue tied with you." Marinette let our s laugh.

"Hey im not that bad." Marc laughed and was getting into the music.

"So now it's a new day, better get out of my way" Marc was dancing a lot more easily now, still bad, but he looked like he was having fun.

"Gotta make you understand my master plan! Gonna practice my words, all my nouns and verbs, anything i can do to get through to you."

Marc blushed, cause Nathaniel popped into his head, because why not think of your crush when singing a love song right?

"I. Gonna make you mine" I wish " no matter rain or shine "please, he is begging. "I just need some time." Definitely.

After going through the chorus again, Marc swayed s little waiting for the words again. Marientte giggled.

"Having fun Marc?"

Marc stared st her and crossed his arms."I am never playing truth or dare with you again."

Marinette laughed ans Marc smiled.

Marc dropped to his knees singing." Knees weak cant speak! S-s-s-suck on repeat." He stood and did a twirl.

"I'm thinking about him. 8 days a week" and there he goes, changing the pronouns of the song. "It's not enough for me."

Dramatically, Marc fell back onto the couch thing marinette owns, and jumped off of it when the last chorus started up. He was shaving fun and dancing around the room like a 4 year old. He finished the song with jazz hands and marinette laughing.

"This id the best video ever!" Ans posted it to the group chat.

Marc smiled and grinned."its my turn now!"

____

At the Lovue, alix was skating around Nathaniel when her phone beeped and she checked the message. She rolled to a backwards stop in front of Nathaniel.

"Hey Nat, before you continue on about how good Marc's writing is and keep denying that your head over heels for him, wanna watch him dance?"

Nathaniel looked up from Marx's notebook, which he had borrowed to work on the comic. "Wait why is he dancing?" He decided to invite her comments on his crush. Which totally wasn't a thing. Totally.

By the end of the video, Nathaniel wasn't denying his crush anymore.

"Alix..."

"Yeah?"

"Can you send that to me?"

#Miraculous ladybug #reverser #marc #nathaniel #marcaniel #whatever the ship name is

223 notes · View notes

myuun · 5 years

Text

still outstanded and amazed at how much i still rely on my dad for money

i know i could just, you know, stop messaging him

i dont think he would care, in fact, i KNOW he wouldn’t give a shit

but im going to be very real and say i cant do it; haha you know what i cant

yes ive had things too easily thrown at me. my dad pays for my school and my insurance and im scared of those things leaving because you know things are expensive

and when you have a father of wealtH you accumulate a steady standard of how you live and if it lowers you immediately feel like the world is crashing underneath you haha AM I SPOILT YES I AM

I have had to beg on my knees for 25 rotten years like a slime for money from him; 25 years of begging and begging and kissing his shoes; i have gone so deep up my dad’s asshole my head can’t come out anymore

he thrives and hates it

he loves how unsustainable i am as a human being who cannot pay her bills or get a full-time job or be mentally stable; hates that im not

so i go and crawl back like the insect that i am and beg because i want to live in a house, and eat, and stay in this fucking country

i beg with all my heart and soul to please please please give me 1/10000th of what he earns to please please please sustain what life i have right now because if i crash down, my mom does, my husband does, my cats do

its not even just my life its now my husbands life and my cats lifes that depend on his money

everything always goes back to money; HIS money

i hate it

i hate myself every time i have to beg and ask and now i can see why my mom used to wretch at doing it when i was a kid; i would be sent over and try to appeal to his graces while my mom begged him for child care which he would reluctantly give 800 measly dollars

800 is piss and he knew it

what i get now is piss and he knows it

i always think how lucky my brother is to have been born a boy

a boy to carry on my dad’s name, career, money

money money money money money money money money money money money money money money

a boy who doesnt have to even be nice or grateful about it

he just... gets

i wonder if the reason he doesn’t get in touch is because he wonders if when my dad dies and he inherits every penny i’ll go beg to him next

i laugh when i think that it isn’t even a far-fetched idea

when i was 19 and my mom told me as i lied in bed at the hospital that we wouldnt speak to him again i thought ‘good we dont need him’; my mom worked twice as hard to feed us while i mourned myself in bed

one year later after i tried to kill myself i contacted my dad to see him and try to forgive; i had fallen in love with a boy from New zealand and needed to get on his good graces

he hadn’t changed; nothing had changed; he was still the same self-involved rich man who could care less if i had lived or died

he didn’t bring anything up; all of a sudden we were back to where we started

except this time it wasn’t my mom begging straight to him anymore

it was me

and i could see myself a year ago, mom in car, driving us back to our little city where i thought things would finally finally change

he will always have control wont he?

ill never escape him will i?

ill always be a rat begging for more crumbs

ill never have enough money or resources to stop begging

and ill never be good enough for him to just give

#personal

1 note · View note

robomoboto · 7 years

Text

The Ballad of Gay Angels

When you panic, is it a jackrabbit? can’t hide it or fight it get caught up with flightless Internet webcaster call it a fever to fester causes non-sequiters and concern for the bastards needy begging pleading crying father drive faster the only place that can heal me is up this driveway shove aside your bylaws and drylaws and pityfuck lays gotta get that molecule so deep into my brain whether oxytocin hydrocodone weed or meth or being alone osmosis prognosis find it passed your membrane inside your game now not turning back now if this is what’ll heal me give me the effect now He's an impatient man feel better now or never something better gotta make me clever so He can graduate with no kevlar don’t need a thick skin when you’re halfway in Debt up to your knees begging god money please give him drugs give him love fuck it give him a hug He's so stressed it’s coming out his ears gave his mom a fear of God she thinks this will be his downfall But no way no how he's J**** fucking B***man God damn it he deserves better he ain’t no ragdoll heathen drown him or stab him bitch he’ll keep breathing He's dragging oxygen in his lungs cutting the rungs of the ladder below 'im you can blow him it’s all him now he's the free one now look at him up here he swear he higher than you up here umbrella keep him drier than you And he can’t drive and he can’t dive but he can keep going through the motions wish the doctor’d just give him a potion to cure all need something better that ain’t no Demerol man what’s wrong with him? where’s the honesty? lyin to your therapist is not the way to be Like you’re still here but where’s your allure what makes you happy if you’re full of sappy love and you’re spilling it all over him but he still looks done and the pasture ain’t green no more like he’s seen this side of you before Like he’s already seen your core like you’re still here but calling yourself a failure cos it gets late sometimes and the pasture ain’t green no more

Okay well think Ottowa, 2024, he's 24, mostly gay, trying to write screenplays to get laid but all he gets is laid off, bills aint paid off but smoke something cough cough and he's forgotten, he's lost and drifting, kissing meager mists pissing bedsheets washed but not dry now doesn't matter he'd die now lay down and cry now god it feels like he's dying now he knows that phone calls comes soon and when it does it'll fill his room sound bounces off every wall fills it full up better answer the call he says shit, better get this, picks up and shits bricks cos it's his mom, she's on her own now, broke down and clowning around she says can you come get me, son, I thinking it's here that I'm drowning I'm sitting here with this liquor I just keep on downing tried something else but this one I snort and it don't help and it don't get me to work I tell myself maybe I need just a car get myself away so so far but that won't help, keep me away from you more so please come see your mother she is awfully bored

he says mama of course lays a course due south heading out vaguely knows where he's going But to be honest he's decomposing long long ago he got his heart frozen another guy got chosen and there was no one else just a string of bad choices got locked up in a cell went away just 2 years, but boy that was enough come out and everyone sees what's about cos he's a man now, not a kid so sometimes he blows his lid and they hear it clear across town, that he's blown up and tearing it down where that temper come from? you know it's meager crumbs not enough love no one to fit like a glove or a puzzle piece or some shitty cliche but the truth is you feel some type of way feels like everythings gonna be okay and you know you can keep taking on days but he dont have that, not enough so on a whim follow a gust of wind taking him south find the one who set him rattling about tell her off, make her cough, maybe try something new try a different city different country stage a coup

few days later he's there, but it's the desert now used to be the beach but it's better now see the stars every night start a barfight it's new mexico baby who cares about lights? Tracks down an address, gets all nice and dressed up goes in all sweet smiles and fruit punch, but deep down inside he knows he's still a scorpion and she's no where near fast as lightning no poison coursin in so after a while he goes, but hes still smart enough he knows meant the world to her, to see her boy know he's still kicking, ticking big ol windup toy

he says shit, what now keeps going further south hits a border, runs, gets a few miles in then collapses of dry mouth fuck shit is this it? No dipshit hears a wail, a scream, a gunshot crack scrambles up and then back til his back hits the wall, takes a moment to breathe til something beautiful falls he sees the angel in front of him, Order of the goddamn nephilim, offers to change him in exchange for choppin off his wings Fuck it, I'm game, he sees a blinding flash then pain finds himself laid on on the ground no one else around, but when he stands he falls over looks down at his belly, finds a brand burnt flesh marking him the order of nephilim, so he flew heavensent, found his fucking breath again take a break from earthly death again til he finds himself alone, at the end of the world, called his memories pearls, watched the death of the old, carried himself all that way and then starts again yesterday

#spilled ink #poetry #rap #slam poetry #whatever

13 notes · View notes

exquisitelyeco · 6 years

Text

Mirror, mirror on the wall, do I see myself at all?

Mirror mirror on the wall, Do I see myself at all? What do others, looking at me, What do they think, HOW do they see? Do I see who I really am, Or just the part of me that is a sham? Looking at others, what do I see, Is it love looking back at me? People, do they see me as I am, Or just the crap that leaves me damned? When I look at them, What do I see? Am I choosing the love, I want to look at me? This post is uncomfortable. Please only read this if you will not be offended. It is not meant to offend, as is, in part, a shade of the strand ‘An answer in part, Mr. Fry’ that I posted a while ago. Recently I was asked to do somebody a favour. They wanted me to meet some friends of theirs and spend sometime with them. I was absolutely furious. The people they asked were some who I knew had done things that made me angry. Actually, meet them? I wanted to batter them!

I was so uppity and frothing at the mouth with indignation, that I should even DARE to be asked! Now as you know, I am learning to be more honest and less people pleasing. So I am saying what I really feel, when I can. And thank God for His grace, that my church IS a safe place to practice! However….it does mean, certain poor people are in the firing line, of a missile! So I decided, how to respond. I emailed the person back, and told them, in no uncertain terms, that NOTHING would induce me to meet these people. That actually, one was, a cruel, sadistic bastard, and that if I had the opportunity, he would not get a cup of tea, but a boot up his behind. I said I would email one of the pastors of the church and ask their advice, and if, mind you IF, and I certainly did NOT believe so, they helped me to see this another way, I might be prepared to change my mind. Of course my poster emailed back. And I thank God, He had worked on my heart. Taking the crumb I offered, and that was all, that ‘if’….. Just like the wicked step mother in Cinderella……how relevant.....My pastor pointed out that we all have fallen short. And what if they treated people nastily, because they knew what they had done wrong? That if we want, we can bring Christ to people. And unbelievably, my spirit responded. Don’t get me wrong. I had to ask God. And nope, I weren’t on me knees begging! I just said, when it came into my mind, ‘You’ll have to help.’ In fact I was worse. I told God, “I’ll do it for you, not for them.” And I kept saying that. But something weird was going on. Although I had moments of not wanting too, and moments I could feel my heart harden in anger and condemnation, I felt almost joyful. Peaceful.

And God worked in me. Amazing! Truly amazing. I started to remind myself how I can be. How selfish, how sadistic and unkind. And I found myself saying sorry to God for thinking of pointing the finger. And then I’d feel the hurt of my past, threatening the visit, and I’d say, “I’ll do it for you, not for them.” But my heart wasn’t in it. Part of me wanted to be like Jesus. It was so strange. I asked my friends to pray. That I would manage well. I was so concerned I’d blow it, and hurt them, because of my froth! And when I met them, I did. Manage well, that is….not froth……In fact it was incredible! I found my self really enjoying their company, seeing God in them. Seeing who they were! And I want to see them again too! There was something really special about them. Today at church I was listening to the preach. And I remembered the words of a song: ‘I’m going to look twice at you, Until I see the Christ in you.’ How profound is that? It’s beautiful. If I had not opened my heart, even though it was just a tiny, teeny bit, God could not have filled my heart with love. And because of that, I looked twice. And I saw Christ, and it was truly beautiful. I was so glad my pastor, Susan, helped me out of my hissy fit. My mouth frothing indignation and self righteousness. And since then, I have recalled MORE horrid things I have done. And I dared point the finger at them! I truly see I nearly fell over one of my planks! (See my post ‘Planks,’if you want to know what I’m on about!)

When I think that God loves me REGARDLESS of all my shit. And there is SO much shit! And He loves me AS I am now! How humbling. How dare I condemn. I do not like what I have heard about this person. I know they have caused somebody pain. But I also now know, that is NOT who they ARE. How I judge who people ARE by what they have done! Sure, what we do matters. James in the bible said it very well. (James 2 v15-17) That if you wish your brother well, when he is hungry, but do not feed him, you are in sin. But he meant it a different way. He meant look at YOURSELF. Are you following the Lord and acting how He would? Because if not, you are in error and need to sort it out. In my own way, I was guilty of that. I would have said I wished them well, but buggered if I was going to help in anyway! I was in error, just as James said! I was sinning because of my hardness of heart and condemnation of a person. As if I was perfect! And what does God do? He blesses me! He changed my heart. My begrudging, judgmental heart. And He helped me to grow, even though I only gave Him conditional crumbs to do it with ‘I’ll do it for you, not for them!’ How humble is our God! He could have got mad at ME! And I also saw the truth in what measure we judge others, we ourselves will be judged. And yet God softened my heart. He allowed me to measure with HIS standard. No condemnation. And what blessing it had brought me! I have new friends. Special friends, who can give me life, and who I can give life too. And if God had condemned and judged my crumbs, what a miracle would have been missed. To think that God blessed me and helped me grow. Because I chose, albeit begrudging at the start, to want to, ‘Look twice at you, until I see the Christ in you.’ At that is part of me growing up. Learning to look past a persons past and actions, and to SEE the person.

That is what Christ does with us. Even more so! He is GOD, and with no sin, and He loves ME, who has more sin than is dumped in the Atlantic, or is it the Pacific, by the USA garbage ships everyday! No condemnation there US…..well, only a TAD! The oceans a bit muddy now…………..I am nobody. Yet the God of all creation looks twice at me. And He sees the Christ in me. The very breath of God that I was created to be, before all the sin marred, scarred and deformed my being. If I was Him, I’d probably vomit……But He has to truly be God, cos He doesn’t! My hardness of heart would not just have hurt them, and that is where God was so much MORE Gracious. It would have hurt ME. I would be blind and self righteous, behind my planks. Just like the Pharisees. But God, in His mercy, used my pathetic offering and changed EVERYTHING. I have had a double blessing! Good friends and a healed heart. How Good is my God? What I also saw today, was the words, ��I’m going to look twice at you, until I see the Christ in you,’ I also need to apply to myself! I have times I loath myself so much. I hate myself and want to hurt and punish myself. And God doesn’t want me to do that. He hurts when I do that. But for me, it’s a battle not too. I HATE thinking Im fat. So I will not eat properly. But more, I beat myself up, over and over, when I make mistakes. I judge and condemn myself. And Jesus is unhappy about that. He wants me to see me as He does. In Him. The person He created me to be. That’s a battle. Because a lot of me doesn’t want too. I want to hate me. I want to control me and MAKE myself do things. And you know what? It’s killing me. So I need to learn to love me. What blew me away was how much meeting those people meant to THEM. I could feel real love. For ME. They thought a I was special. Why? I was horrible, until my pastor helped me see my planks. It shames me to think of it. And it makes me so grateful that God softened my heart, and gave me something that I did not deserve. Love and friendship. I can never get over it when people say they love me, or I’m special. Because I so don’t see it in me.

Although my pride does. My pride is a swine. It cuts both ways, pride in what I do and pride in the fact I’m upset at have pride! I’m proud of my pride! I tell you pride SUCKS. Know wonder God hates it. It’s like a snake, totally intertwined in my being. Tying everything into it’s self. Aren’t I wonderful? No. Well aren’t I wonderful for saying I’m not wonderful? For FUCK sake! Fucking pride, damn it!!Its a blood sucking leach. Sucking out my Christ blood and replacing it with MY own! IAM! I CAN. I WILL. Nope. And not bloody lightly thanks. I understand what Paul said about the thorn in his side, to stop his pride. I wonder what that was? Interesting…….a facial tick? You know like the one in the film, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, when they meet Owen? And he honks like a pig? Or bad breath, so people nearly passed out when he spoke? What about a wind problem? Every time his head went to swell he blew off? Well, I guess the swelling pressed against his pipes! Ooooh, I do hope I don’t get one of those! Thorns I mean. But I need one! Me think this sucks☹️ but ’tis necessary for my salvation! Oh no! Well, what if it’s a nice one? I mean, I can cope with say, ummm, not a twitch. Embarrassing. Definitely NOT wind. I’d never get to heaven…….I’d have no pride, cos I wouldn’t go anywhere….., I’d hide and be windy in private! I have a feeling God doesn’t do nice thorns. I mean, that IS the object of a thorn, I suppose. But it really does suck. But in one way, it was a form of pride that I thought I was righteously able to point the finger at the people I met. And yet, Gods grace turned me around! And I didn’t feel that prick! Well, not till I thought about my own shortcomings. And that made me sorry. Maybe God can do my thorn without it being embarrassing! I do love Old God! He has so much on His plate. But He used every little spat out prideful, self righteous crumb, to help ME! And I spat the crumbs! Wow! He HAS to be God to do that. It’s mind blowing! Thanks God!

So maybe thorns are things we see in ourselves. Reminders that it is God who makes us clean and restores our being. It has to be! I’m my own bloody thorn! Maybe that IS my thorn? Or is that self hate…….ummmm…interesting. My pastor, Pete says that. The word, ‘Interesting,’ I wonder if he’d say that if I said that? I mean about me being my own thorn? It’s a thorny problem to say the least……

#God #god funny #god poetry #God personal God personal life #judgemental attitude #Pharisees #love #god mercy #God grace #miracles

0 notes