#posts i wish i didn't relate to

[ghastlyaffairs]

for something as trivial and simple those feelings sure are hard to get rid of

also made a gif a version for fun + alt version with no tears under the cut

the gif is in very low resolution...this is a feature (i could make it bigger but that would require saving each frame individually and than glueing it all together. also i feel like low resolution suits it better. aesthetically and fits the mood)

#hs #homestuck #dirk strider #eye strain #probably? if you think i should tag something else let me know!! #anyway hooray its time for rambling in the tags #so uhhh heres the teæ i've been sick for like a week and you know how it is when suddenly your throat becomes the main gunk warehouse #and you can't breathe lol. wish i could just pull it out. anywaaayy this is basically a vent piece for me being sick lol #also i could draw remotively the same thing with kris deltarune. oh how easy it is to project having a cold #though i have been also experiencing troubles with feelings recently as well....how fitting for dirk #speaking of the man himself (enough of me) his relationship with his own Heart...is peculiar to say the least #the thing i love about alphakids is that despite being so feral they were. so relatable. i cannot stress this enough how unwell they are an #and how they represented being a teen so well. yeah being 15 years old makes that to you #imagine being an emotional mess and trying to fit the 'norm' and act normal about your friends so youre not offputting #and then you fall in love with you friend and your ai clone falls in love with him too looool noone makes out of this one alive #uhh literally. godtiering stuff and dying remember #and speaking of it. tw for suicidal talk for the rest of tags #do you ever think dirk was suicidal. of course the part of when he teleports his head to jake was totally planned and he knew he would -> #wake up as dreamself but. don't you think the moment he cut his head off was sort of. cathartic. how much did he hate his own guts #beheading himself not only for the plan...but also because he thought he 'deserved' it #also wow he is a Prince and was literally beheaded don't you think its funny hahaa #sigh poor thing #this has ended on a not the very pleasant note hm #also fckkkkkk i didn't draw anything with rose/mary for the lesbian visabilty week #(putting the slash because tumblr search system has a dumb gag with showing you posts that contain the tag inside the other tag. #and i don't want this post to show up for the ros/mary fans because it's not!!!! its rose's father emotional crisis post!!!!) #update YOOOO WHAT THE HELL THE GIF HAS EVEN LESS PIXELS THEN I PLANNED fantastic #this your breakfast now tumblr. enjoy your crunchy flakes of dirks meltdown. mwah

[dootznbootz]

I went on tiktok to just watch some silly Odysseus videos but then I mostly saw people going like "Yeah, maybe Odysseus cried on Calypso' island every day but honestly he had that coming after what he did Achilles and Patroclous/Circe!!!" and "Everything that happens in Odyssey is deserved cuz he took Patrochilles to war!!!" and "I feel so bad for Circe and Calypso and Penelope, they deserved better!!!"

For fucks sake I beg you, read anything different from Millers bs and like educate yourself- And please stop goddamn saying that rape victim. deserved it.

Circe probably didn't give a flying fuck, Calypso is a rapist and abuser and Penelope deserved everything she wanted and SHE WANTED ODYSSEUS

I think I've had enough internet for today, imma go wash my eyes with bleach. Anyways sorry for ranting here, i hope you don't mind it lmao

It's alright. I absolutely understand the vents about the whole thing. :'D No one deserves to be a victim of such a thing no matter WHAT they've done. I hope your eyes are okay after the bleach

Like Odysseus does so many fucked up things but Calypso and Circe? He is the victim. Period. It's very clear that Odysseus is in extreme distress on Ogygia. And Circe wasn't some sort of FwB situation. There's fear and numbness in the language he uses when talking about it. There's so much victim blaming and it SUCKS.

While back then it probably wouldn't be considered SA but now? It clearly is.

Even then, Odysseus' journey was kind of about "temptation" or just straight up "Die or get out of my sea." From Poseidon. "I don't want you in my waters so I'm gonna try and give you things that will keep you on land or just kill you."

Immortal goddesses wanting you would be many people's dream come true but not for Odysseus. And I think that's the point. His determination, how he clawed his way back into the arms he never wanted to leave in the first place, is incredible. Many people would've given up and just started a new life but he never would because no life he could ever create would compare to the life he had before. Even if it's different, it's what he's always wanted.

He literally tells Calypso "I'm not stopping until I'm home. I don't care if I suffer more until I do. I'm going home."

“Mighty goddess, do not be angry with me over this. I myself know very well Penelope, although intelligent, is not your match                                          to look at, not in stature or in beauty. But she’s a human being and you’re a god. You’ll never die or age. But still I wish, every moment to get back to my home,                                                       to see the day of my return. And so, even if out there on the wine-dark sea some god breaks me apart, I will go on— the heart here in my chest is quite prepared to bear affliction. I’ve already had so many troubles, and I’ve worked so hard                                  through waves and warfare. Let what’s yet to come be added in with those.”

(Book 5, Johnston)

Circe's a goddess and what happened is nothing like Dionysus and Ariadne and Apollo and Hyacinthus for example. Circe never gave Odysseus a crown of stars and he would never go out of his way to kill 120 people for bothering her. They did not love each other and he can't refuse as she's a goddess.

If you interpret them sleeping together the entire year,(It's only explicitly said that they had sex once so that's what I go with personally.) that doesn't mean he was happy with it! Even then, the whole situation is not what a healthy FwB should look like! I'm asexual and even I know that no one in a FwB situation should have to BEG in any way that basically says "Please let me go or kill me" with supplication!!! The fact that he leaves so quickly he forgets one of his men? The fact that during Elpenor's funeral, he doesn't greet Circe himself? He was avoiding her. Wouldn't he want to get "one last night together" during Book 12 if they were fwb? 🙄

It's bonkers to me that people hate him for being a "cheater" when A.) having multiple lovers wasn't uncommon in Ancient Greece, and B.) the two people he is explicitly said to have "cheated" with, weren't his choice. He wasn't actively searching for pretty women either!!!

As mentioned, while it was common for men to have many lovers, Odysseus never had any listed unlike some of the other men. (not bashing any of them. I'm just making a point in comparison.) He also has no other children besides Telemachus in Homer's works. There's no evidence of him having other lovers other than speculation. (funny enough, I once read somewhere that the reason why Odysseus is so mean is because he doesn't "bond" enough with the other soldiers. 😂)

Does that mean he didn't have other lovers? Technically, Nope! It's just never explicitly stated either way. He has slaves but none were ever said to be concubines or that he sleeps with them. He has deep bonds with his fellow soldiers but that doesn't mean he sleeps with them. That doesn't mean people can't write or talk about him doing so even though it's not mentioned! Just like it also means that someone can write him not doing so as there's nothing that says it either way in Homer's Works! :D

It's fucked up when people say "He didn't try to leave Calypso enough" or something of the like. It just tells you how A.) they didn't read the Odyssey or have piss on the poor reading comprehension or B.) ...you should probably stay away from that person...

With Circe though??? I can understand the confusion but digging deeper and looking at the text, he wasn't having a good time. Or at the very least was walking on Eggshells the whole time. I hate bringing up that essay over and over again but like...I literally wrote everything there.

I also don't like how people take Circe's morally gray-ness away from her. Let her do something fucked up to be fucked up!!! Let her traumatize Odysseus!

Idk, I kind of hate that I'm "known" for this but I relate to this idiot asshole a lot and it means a lot to me that his story, despite what happens to him, has a happy ending :'D

#Thank goodness I don't have tiktok >:) #I wish there was a way to like. have anonymous posts? because I made that PTSD post to show how him refusing to be bathed #by Nausica's maids and him choking Euryclea and was giving reference to make a point but I wish I wasn't like. Known for this??? #but like... I HAVE something to say. Having specific knowledge of some things just...really makes it clear in what happened that I don't #think others have considered. #And I was afraid if I was “vague” then people would say “You're just saying that to get sympathy points” and I didn't want to deal with #that :'D plus like in his outbursts I saw myself you know? #I just kept thinking “oh shit. I KNOW what you're doing because I did it too aAAAAAHHHHHHHHh” #I relate to Helen too but in a way. The Odyssey shows her “HEALED” (which fuck yeah!!! YESSS!!!😭) it doesn't show the #PTSD in the same way as she's had many years to recover. Watching it happen in “real time” for Odysseus was...really nice. #i said it before but the Odyssey feels REAL compared to the “girlboss queen slay” shit. Him tryiing to force himself into normalcy #only to act out is...yeah. #save me morally gray circe #ask #anon #Mad rambles #tw sa #tw ptsd #tw sex assault #anti madeline miller #anti circe #essay

[corfisers]

i really need to finish this one day

#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully #anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason #incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up #you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot #he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him #in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened. #you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from #you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help? #doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance #proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long #yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him #yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that #and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do” #“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem” #(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.) #he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway #but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again. #something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh #for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been #which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad #but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence? #she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”. #wips tag

[supercantaloupe]

truly detest how pcos tags/forums/etc are absolutely crawling with terfs

#(okay to rb but stay in your lane) #maybe i just want to look and see if anyone else has experienced what i went through today without seeing someone going like #'you'll never be a REAL woman because you DON'T HAVE OVARIES #and will NEVER understand the TRUE WOMANLY EXPERIENCE of having A VERY DISRUPTIVE AND COMPLEX ENDOCRINE AND METABOLIC DISORDER' #like i think there are more important (read: actual) targets to direct our frustration at here than #[checks notes] getting mad at a trans woman for saying she relates to some of the problems caused/faced by having pcos #like. idk. the fucking medical system and lack of research/treatment options #(also. christ. reducing every person w pcos into the 'woman' category automatically bc 'ovary'. #even though it's literally an intersex condition. yikes.) #also i don't know about y'all but i don't wish this on anyone? regardless of gender?? #i actually don't want trans women to have to experience this in order to be considered a True Woman #because i don't want ANYBODY to have to experience this. it sucks! it's not fucking fun! #i just wanted to try and see if other people have gone through the same thing i have. not expand my blocklist by half a mile tonight. #i wanna talk about me #even though i didn't exactly find what i was looking for (😔) and i had to play fucking whack-a-terf while searching #if there's any bright side to be found it's the number of posts/people affirming pcos as an intersex condition/identity #i saw someone say 'if you don't want the [intersex] umbrella for yourself you don't have to take it #but it's nice to have in the closet for a rainy day' #and. man. yeah.

[inklingofadream]

Just randomly remembered an incident in 5th grade where a sub mentioned she'd spent her summer in, like, the Caribbean. Somewhere that was extremely exotic to 10-year-olds. And I was like "oooh, jealous!" because... that's not the Best way to interact with a stranger but it one I'd seen modeled. Like that's a common response to someone talking about a cool vacation. Also, again, 10,

And she SNAPPED at me that no! she worked hard! to earn that vacation!!!11!!!

I would love to hear her side of that. Like... was there some serious personal life stuff that made her overreact? Did she really hate substitute teaching and was already in a bad mood? What was her logic behind yelling at ten-year-old me

Because I stand by my logic from then, once I'd calmed down enough to think about it- it doesn't matter if she worked hard for her vacation. I was ten. I could be the hardest-working ten-year-old on Earth, and it is still quite unlikely that a vacation would manifest itself. A vacation you bled to earn and a vacation handed to you on a silver platter are both equally unobtainable to a child who cannot buy plane tickets.

Like I get being annoyed if a peer said what I said, I acknowledge that that's a response you save for friends, not strangers... But I've done stuff teaching summer art classes for a few days, and while that's obviously a big leap from regular school subbing* not once was I tempted to raise my voice in anger. What is the end goal of yelling at a child, exactly? What was going on in her life that led her to that?

*(in some ways harder, since I was the one lesson planning and there were Many things that could go wrong and result in stains/injuries if my gang of 4-15 year old kids was supervised too lightly, but easier because literally every kid I've ever met would rather play with rhinestones than learn math and even the kids who were obnoxious I had to deal with for One week)

#rambling #i just. really wish i could get a play by play of the other side of stuff like this #it's very unlikely that this woman on her best day was still pro-yelling-at-children-like-that #like... did i perceive her as being angrier than she felt her reaction was? was it anger she felt bad about once she'd gotten home? #yes some of this type of thing it's a desire to pull gotchas bc stuff i got in trouble for was def related to the brain ghosts #but usually it's stuff where i didn't have an explanation then and don't now #but would still love to know. like i don't even have a bad faith one here #she did not give the impression she didnt want to be there the way other substitute teachers do. like you can Tell #i mean the real conclusion is that subs are extremely fraught for like. obvious reasons #unless they arent in which case i can only assume this school district and especially that elementary school are cursed #ink post

[bookwyrminspiration]

does it count as critical literary analysis if I say that Shannon Messenger herself has struggled with infertility for several years and also that there is noticeable consistent mentioning of pregnancy and birth (depictions, explanations, inclusions in world building where it would commonly be overlooked for in this age range) as part of the story she’s written. and that those are likely related

#kotlc #tw infertility #found this in my drafts. wonder why I didn't post it sooner #oh maybe it's because i thought it was too obvious and everyone knew it #oh well. posting anyway #it's just curious. pregnancy in general is just more prevalent that you'd expect for a series like this #and i believe her own infertility struggles are at least partially related #i don't remember when I drafted this or what scene I was rereading that this was connected to #wish I did so I could understand my own point better

[solradguy]

Some clowns are posting about it in the tag and I've gotten a bunch of new followers recently interested in GG Strive, so I just wanna take a sec and remind everyone that Strive's arcade mode, the part of the game where Bridget (with encouragement from Goldlewis and Ky to decide for herself how she wishes to identify) decides that she is a girl after all, doesn't have "bad" endings. It's not like the last games where certain routes lead to really obviously unfortunate outcomes. Bridget being referred to with she/her pronouns in text (like her official bio and ArcSys tweets) confirms that the ending where she realizes that she is a girl after all is her canon ending for the arcade mode. ArcSys do their localization (ie, translations) in-house so saying it's a mistranslation doesn't have even a toe to stand on either.

And for the love of all life PLEASE stop using machine translators for Japanese. They are all notoriously bad at Japanese because of how nuanced the language is. Yes, even DeepL.

#groomed #textpost #Sorry I keep posting about this specifically but god I wish I had encouragement back when I was questioning like Bridget #Goldlewis and Ky being supportive and making sure that Bridget makes this decision on her own but that she also knows she has support for- #-whichever decision she decides to make just hits me right in the feels #All trans people being into being trans is a stupid fucking no braincells take #I'm trans but I didn't know it was something you were allowed to do until I was like 20 #Everything I knew about trans people before then depicted them as a joke or everyone hated them or they 'regretted' it bc it was a story- #-written by some transphobe shithead #I WISH I had someone who sat me down and was like 'this is a thing you can do if it feels right to you but it's only a decision u can make' #I ALWAYS knew something wacky was going on with my gender but I never confronted it until I was like 24 #I had these feelings DESPITE being raised in an environment EXTREMELY hostile towards trans people #So fuck you if you think trans people can only be groomed into being trans #I wasted so many years hating myself and who I was because I thought if I changed my gender I would be hated and a joke #Then I finally did it and I'm so happy with myself now #I used to legit be unable to look at myself in the mirror I hated myself so much #Now I'm fucking jacked and wear whatever I want and I love myself so much #I'll crush every transphobe skull under my giant goth boot #Shit your guts out & die 1000 agonizing deaths if you think Bridget didn't make this decision on her own based on feelings she's always had #Her and I are transitioning in different directions (I'm trans masc) but her story is so relatable #I have absolutely no tolerance for anyone talking bad about her and I will fight on this hill until the day I die

[sashasluggo]

dont mind me just venting in the tags

I don't expect anyone to read these or to try to comfort me or anything

I just word vomited mostly and it's a bit all over the place

tw parental trauma, religious trauma a lil

#vent post #I need to block my parents numbers but I cant get myself to do it #i haven't messaged them since february and they're still harassing me and trying to make me feel bad #and i don't have the energy to really explain everything #but long story short I told them I'm trans and things went downhill ever since #and im tired #im tired im tired im tired #im tired of feeling like im a bad person for standing up for myself #im tired of feeling like a bad person cause my mom keeps reminding me of how much “I” made her cry #i just #i wish i had normal parents #who didn't keep falling for right wing bs #and that didnt use religion as their only moral compass #they keep trying to guilt trip me #and they keep going off about how selfish and mean I'm being #and basically implying that the stress “I” caused her is killing her?????? #im tired #and even without all the trans related stuff #my parents are the reason im traumatize #traumatized* #my parents are the reason im scared of having needs #why i dont value my own needs #why im scared of people #and im slowly getting better #but it's hard #i feel alone

[agendratum]

.

#i remember last summer when the situation with zzh was happening #people made lists of like tumblr accounts to not interact with basically if you #were siding towards a certain belief in that situation and wanted to keep you mental health afloating #mostly meaning you didn't wanna see people grabbing pitchforks and poisoning your time on this website and also in the fandom #yeah yeah i know “trusting other people to form opinions about people you never interacted with for you????” #i didn't care i wanted a resemblance of peace i was thinking about myself and i'm thinking about myself now #so i can tell you it saved me a lot of nerves back then #which makes me kinda wish someone would do this now #because i can tell you this #don't get me wrong i'm waiting for an official statement waiting for whatever that conference will even be like #waiting for a conclusion that would be made after an actual investigation and not a bunch of twitter infowars #but for now? i don't wanna see people jumping to conclusions based on words of someone already proven to lie and fabricate shit before #if you're distancing yourself from the situation or the person because this is too heavy for you i get it but #i also wish for you understanding if i stop interacting with you #cause that is not something i want to see i'm sorry #and if someone needs to unfollow or block me because you value your mental health i encourage you to do this #i don't really ever post much drama related shit or at least try to #but i know where i'm staying in this all for the time being and if someone doesn't wanna see that #i hope you won't force yourself #that being said #if it will be proven that he did all that and is guilty? then well fuck #but he might be you know your average person getting accused of something he didn't do #and average people might still suck! which is why again and again #i beg people to stop idolizing actors artists musicians internet personas #that involves the rest of the cast as well #you don't know any of them #they're not your friends #don't set yourself up for a disappointment please #there is not a single person in the world who “hasn't done anything wrong in their lives ever” #anyway i hope i phrased myself more or less clearly and i hope i wont make another post like this one ever again

[cutielatias]

Sing me to sleep Sing me to sleep I'm tired and I I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep Sing me to sleep And then leave me alone Don't try to wake me in the morning 'Cause I will be gone Don't feel bad for me I want you to know Deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go

(....)

Don't feel bad for me I want you to know Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go

There is another world There is a better world Well, there must be Well, there must be Well, there must be Well, there must be

Asleep by Emily Browning

#music #sometimes i feel so much like this song💧 i...i...(sigh that so horrible) #i mean i not suicidal and would never have the courage to take out my life💦but sometimes i...i wish i didn't exist #I wish I wasn't me(i hate this feeling I hate this thing i don't understand why i have this!!!?i don't understand! i want to understand💦) #this song gives a little nostalgia cuz i finded at 2017(that's a little far now💧)2017 i used to have...14 years(sigh) time passes💧 #This song remind me of p1nkie pie💧(kinda resonate but...that's so sad💧)also remind me of j1rachi...and chip #and i used to also associate with daniel back then (but nowadays i don't know if combines with him) #this song always makes me cry💧💦 (especially the ending) I even avoid listen to this song #I feel so hopeless sometimes i really don't know what makes me keep going #🎶There is another world There is a better world Well~there must be...there must be🎶💧 #*I feel a little better now but still i hate this feeling(and i still relate to this song sometimes)* #personal #Idk if i take this post out yes or no cuz gives me a bad vibe but at same time i don't like to pretend that i am ok

[shiigures-a]

EXTENSIVE SCAR RELATED PROMPTS

( accepting )

@sozokami said: [ TOUCHED ] for receiver to trace one of sender’s scars from zoro bc he's got plenty.

She could see the pirate hunter visibly flinching as Tashigi's hand and fingers go towards Zoro's face like the woman was going to whack him on the head or something. Instead, the marine was more curious of the large scar that ran down the swordsman's left eye. So much that her small hand had been taken out of her gloves for her to feel the area that had looked at her all those years ago in Roguetown.

Tashigi wonders if the injury was caused by training or something else. She knew vision and depth was really important to those in their profession, being the way of the sword and all. The marine also wondered if that specific scar had hurt every time the world would rain down. So many questions that was at the tip of her tongue and yet all the marine woman did was trace over Zoro's eye for a little bit before shoving her hand back into the fabric of the glove, her own nicks and scratches hidden from sight.

The captain just stands there awkwardly now, not knowing what to say or do. Zoro staring at her with his good eye wasn't helping matters but it did get her to speak up a little. "What? I wasn't going to hurt you Roronoa. Not at least if you didn't deserve it anyways". Ah yes, always a catch with her.

#long post cw #long post tw #hey look somewhat soft hours #extensive scar related prompts meme;; #zotash tw #zotash: tw #sozokami; zoro;; #[ 'cause you are the piece of me i wish i didn't need. chasing relentlessly. still fight and i don't know why. ZOTASH. sozokami ] #[ so you want to know about swords do you? ANSWERED ASK ] #scars cw #scars tw

[heavenknowsffs]

Wtf bro

#ngl i feel like these 2 friends have been sending indirect attacks to me constantly after i left #you know when someone jokes about something so much you start thinking maybe it aint a joke? #that's what has been happening the past few weeks? #like joking about me drinking and joking about me talking to men to get them to pay me drinks (which i don't but ok) #and yesterday i said i wish i was out having fun with them and they were like 'you post a club everynight' #it seems an attack but also kind of like jealousy? i don't get it man #i can't do anything that they won't make a joke about to the point i am starting to not share stuff with them anymore #and it's these 2 people only #and coincidentally they have both told me they had a crush on me and i told them i didn't feel the same #and now they constantly attack whatever i do #interesting #idk if it's related or not but i just don't feel confortablr with them anymore #and like before these attacks we had some conversations about social issues and etc that we don't agree with each other #and they have been stupid since... sorry i care about other people other than me

[plushie-lovey]

Gonna freak

#not plush related #only posting this here cause it vaugely relates to this blog #somehow my ex best friend found me here and sent me an ask #I blocked him not too long ago literally everywhere except here #cause I thought he didn't know about this blog #you'd think he'd take the hint that I want him to Stay Away by me blocking him on everything #but apparently he can't let me go that easy #for years I delt with his manipulating and toxic behavior #even took him back as a friend after he left me for 2 years because I started going out with my datemate (who he didn't like) #and yet he kept trying to control me. kept giving me his crap even when I told him I didn't want to deal with it #finally decided to completely cut ties for good and yet he still tries to talk to me #and comes here #this is my safe space.... #I feel almost violated #also I just blocked him but Im on mobile so idk if it worked specifically for plushie-lovey #gonna have to check when I get on pc. but that runs the risk that he reads all this #on one hand idc if he does. but on the other I wish he'd just go away already. Im so done with this.... #if anybody took the time to read this thanks #I promise I will avoid vent posts like this as much as possible on this blog #lets get back to our regularly scheduled enjoyment of plushies

[oldhabitsdiescrming]

.

#tate.txf #vent post #vent #tw vent #listening to so long london right now and fuck. fuck! #i remember hearing it the first time and realizing i was Not as healed as i thought i was. #while my relation to it isn't through a relationship-technically-it IS about the girl who groomed the fuck out of me at 13 years old ❤️ #i was friends with her for three years and jesus fucking christ. she fucked me up in ways i'm still reeling from. #i took care of her-this grown ass adult-through everything. things no kid should be hearing about. #i was fourteen and not sleeping. when i did she would threaten to off herself because i wasn't replying. #i went HOUSE HUNTING for her. i was looking into odd jobs because i thought she needed my help. #when i finally took a mental health break after three years of carrying her sadness like a weight #she called me a monster. i was sixteen years old and watching someone who swore they loved me say the most horrible #god awful things. things i wouldn't say to the person i hated. #i had so many panic attacks over her. i would get in trouble because of how hard i fought to be there for her. i was a kid. #carrying a sadness that became my own purely because she deemed me vulnerable enough to carry the weight. #it's been years #and i am finally so. so. so angry. #i'm finally the age she was when she groomed me and i just. i don't understand. i don't understand how you can do that to a child. #im pissed off she let me give her that youth for free. im just getting color back into my face. she deserves prison but she won't get time. #i'm so angry after all this time. i wish her well. i hate her. i'm hurting. i don't understand any of it. #why was it my job to carry her up the hill? how much sadness did she think i had in me prior to her entry into my life? #i'm still afraid to talk to people. to make friends. to respond to my existing friends. #because i didn't know it was coming with her. #for a while there i'd believed i could forgive her. now i know i don't owe her that. #i am just getting color back into my face. i am mad as hell because i gave up my youth for someone who couldn't care less at the end. #oh the tragedy. #to delete #just had to finally say it somewhere.

[asjjohnson]

I was numbly scrolling through job listings and happened across the kindest-sounding job page I've ever seen. Saying there was no requirements at all (besides being happy or something), that they'll walk you through everything and train you. And that they're happy to hire anyone, no matter how young or old, whether it's your first job or you want a little extra money on the side or you're retired and want something to do.

The feel of the wording was like, "Aww poor baby—here, have a blanket and a hot chocolate and I'll make everything better." While the job listings I usually see are like, "Working nights, weekends, and holidays are required. And if you don't know these five obscure things by heart and have eight years of experience, don't even bother applying."

And the place is close enough that I should be able to get there easily on rollerblades (if I can finally get use to the pair I bought awhile ago).

...But then I'd mentioned to my dad that I might apply for a job, and he reminded me that I hadn't wanted to be tied up during the day of the eclipse, and suggested I wait to see if it's still available after that.

...And then I checked my desk calendar and saw several other days I need to be free for scattered throughout the next two months.

...I'm beginning to think I'm just not cut out for working.

#asj just being silly #I forget if I'd posted about the time I applied for a barista job or if that was before joining tumblr. #The only thing I could think to put on the application was that I lived around the corner so I could come any time. #I assumed I wouldn't be called. So the belated call for an interview took me by complete surprise. #And I got there a few minutes early as is proper and was told to just sit at any table and wait. #And he was so late and I had no idea what he looked like and then someone walked in the front door and asked me if I was someone else #and I didn't know if that was him or someone on a blind date or what. But then he got my name right but I was already panicking by then #And he was yawning because the employee I'd talked to called him and woke him up. ...And I felt so inadequate talking to him. #I think the main reason I didn't get that job was because I was very noticeably nervous. #I couldn't bring myself to smile naturally or sound happy after sitting there so long. He'd mentioned that. And also my age. #...But it was also the only time I've ever gotten to the interview stage so it was a step in the right direction? #There was the time I applied for an easy sounding job at the library that had perfect hours. #Days after putting in the application the Coronavirus reached my area and the library tossed all applications & shut down (for some time). #There was the time I thought about applying for a nice job at a weather station. Nice hours. ...alright drive. & I'd had 2 related classes. #I took too long thinking about it & trying to make my short resume look desirable. The listing disappeared before I submitted it. #I don't think I've ever made it past looking at the listing page for any web developer job. #I keep telling myself I'll read up on new practices and learn all these languages I hadn't learned. But I always lose motivation quickly. #I wish I took the two electronics classes I'd thought about in college. I was afraid of being the only girl. #...And I've always been nervous around walls. #But there's always work for electricians! And I really like playing with resisters and building circuits. ...Only time I got to was in HS. #And if nothing else I could finish the job the electricians left half done at my house years ago. They wouldn't return any of my calls.

[badgirlcoven-official]

Having RSD in public spaces is the worst bc it's like I need permission to exist too noticeably. Even if everyone is super friendly if I'm even risking being boring or "too much" then I get so scared like oh god everyone's going to get so sick of me as if the worst crime I could ever commit is to be uninteresting

#vent #ask to tag #this isn't about anything in particular/a vague post dw I'm just putting it here bc it's fandom related #audits getting back into fandom spaces after the countless horrors adventures if u will #I'm like omg why am I so worried abt this stuff who would care #but then I remember as a teenager if I infodumped. in. infodump or topic specific channels. dedicated for doing that #my 'friend' would berate me for 'taking up too much space' #and ppl got mad at me for OC posting when they tried to drop hints that they didn't want to hear about my OCs (said hints being like. #not responding or just changing their tone slightly not anything clear) or in some cases just complained to the afore mentioned friend who #opted not to tell me when these complaints were being made but to blame me for not having done anything about what I wasn't told #this fandoms probably different since the majority of ppl I talk t o in it are neurodivergent and like. get it #but everyone is so cool that I talk to I'm like oh my god if I can't be exactly who/what they want to talk to at all times they're gonna #jeff the kill me like oh my god girl chill out #I'm not shy but someimes I wish ppl would coax me out of my shell a little so I didn't overthink it all/LH #I do think it's funny how much I feel the need to fit in with everyone/not be TOOO weird/irrelevant in the fandom whose source's main theme #is being an unapologetic weirdo as long as its harmless but haiodfhgiofdhgiodhfoighfidhgafdg