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i’ve done inktober 3 times and ngl: it’s gotten old (between the community to the fact that i’m just bored of its overly polished nature). so, i decided to take matters into my own hands.
inspired by art nouveau mermay and one of my absolute favorite artists and a huge influence of mine, alphonse mucha, as well as huevember and inktober itself, i decided to pull together art nouveau-tober, but with more variety of gemstones involved. the kind of art challenge i probably would’ve done with my old best friend elizabeth because as kids, we were both really into earth science as well as drawing.
you can participate with me, i’m just kind of doing this for myself at this point: if so, you can use any medium as you like (i’ll be doing digital) and use the hashtags #artnouveautober and #artnouveautober2022 so i can see you.
and a little note about alexandrite (yes, that’s a real gemstone; look it up, it’s gorgeous): it’s green under fluorescent light, and more magenta under incandescent, and a fusion of both under natural lighting. you may do one or the other, or both!
i’m posting the prompts here at the end of july to give plenty of time to find drawing materials and to sketch out the drawings because—take this from me, no seriously, listen to me—art nouveau style is quite elaborate and very time-consuming.
and also, because the goth kids get it in first after all (first letters of july, august, september, october, and november spell out “jason” for god’s sake) 🖤😘
#art nouveau#art nouveautober#art challenge#inktober 2022#gemstones#drawing challenge#art nouveau mermay#inktober#drawing prompt#prompt challenge#art prompt#artists on tumblr#badgalnirvhannah#badgalnirvhannahart#promisqueueous
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it was 10 years ago
it was 10 years ago that i wrote to ben shepherd.
i’ve been thinking about how to approach this whole entire thing because i have to admit that there’s a lot that ties into it. i can’t just say, “oh, i wrote a letter to him, wing bang boom” because it’s admittedly complicated on my end. writing to ben was like a much-needed light for me back in march 2014 and it was like the beginning of a culmination of something.
something admittedly sexual.
so, for that reason, i’m going to get quite tmi about this and i suggest to read at your own discretion.
if you’ve been following me for any length of time, you have probably seen me break down over my sexuality at some point, and i recently started looking into sex therapy to do on my own because i’m tired of hitting my head against the wall about all of this: i figured i have arousal/interest disorder because there’s just naturally having a low drive/interest in sex, and there’s having it down low and it breaks you into a million little pieces. the latter is me.
my tortured relationship with sexuality directly ties into my letter to ben.
he was kind of my first legitimate crush. like, you have your celebrity crushes and your legitimate crushes. ben for me began to blur the line between the two and i realized that a broken mind like myself could indeed have feeling in their heart. it’s not as potent as the whole “love yourself and then relay that to someone else”, but it’s real, though (so don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself first because you get a carrot-and-stick situation going which completely defeats the purpose of being in love). it’s real, especially when you make art for them.
i had made a drawing for him that i made only for him. i think i still have it, too, tucked away in a safe place in my room. i remember sharing it with soundgarden fans on fb and telling them of my intentions. something like that is pure and it was the start of something with me: i draw you when i feel something for you. see it as “marge simpson painting ringo starr” as much as you would like, but it’s one of my love languages.
except, in 2013 going into 2014, i was in bad shape on a psychological level. i had depression that had warped itself into anxiety. i was still dealing with anorexia. anything that seemed “off” in any way sent me reeling into overthinking. perfectionist like you wouldn’t believe. perfectionism that brimmed on paranoia at one point. intrusive thoughts, many of which kept me awake at night so i remember dealing with insomnia for a bit. i would argue with myself, usually about him and the fear of being vulnerable to him for fear of rejection.
add to this, i had no idea as to how to get a hold of him.
at least not at first: when i’d tell people about what i wanted to do for him, they’d wish me luck. and that was it. no lead-in questions or leads or anything.
when you tell people that you want to send a gift to a stranger whom you like, the obvious answer is to find a lead of some kind, six degrees of separation notwithstanding. it wasn’t until my mom looked him up in the white pages on bainbridge island and used a person-finder (which i think is defunct now) for me to find him.
we did that because it’s not like soundgarden has/had something like ten club or metallica’s club where you can readily send fanmail or what have you. i’m just going to say this because on principle i knew it was weird. (i remember finding the eminem song “stan” around this time; then some few years later, the word “stan” came in vogue and i still get this weird chill up my spine thinking about that.)
but once we had that lead, i got down to brass tacks.
introduce myself and my background. how i found him and how much he meant to me: his music literally saved my life. the drawing for him… but then there was the fact that i had a crush on him, and the fact that a.) it’s already a big deal for me to admit that to someone as is; b.) people were judging me left and right; and c.) i didn’t know how he was going to react.
i couldn’t admit that to him. i was afraid of confessing that to him. a lot of it had to do with the fact that there was a lot of judgment surrounding me then: because, like i said in how people were judging me, i was so fucked up mentally back then that it seemed like nothing i did was right. i was being asked all these weird questions like, “how do you know this?” and the like, and nine times out of ten, i couldn’t answer it, either literally because i wanted to protect him—i remember a couple of stalkers coming after chris back then, so of course i didn’t want anyone to know everything because people couldn’t be trusted—or because the answer was so complicated that i didn’t feel like elaborating and they wouldn’t understand anyway.
or, worse, people would call me delusional for it and that i needed help. well, no shit, i needed help. but doing that letter was the stepping stone to getting it. it seemed like all anyone wanted to do was hold me back or buy into the whole trope that a woman following her desires was trouble.
so, i kept it to myself and i just… hinted it to him. i never told him that i was attracted to him because i was judged for it enough already. the classic catch-22 of wanting them to know that you have a crush on them but you also risk having them hurt you by turning you down, except the way it happened to me was particularly odd.
and yes, i wound up blaming myself for it, too. i would blame him as well, because i wrote to him four more times after that, that september for his birthday, the next summer after we moved, the week after valentine’s day 2016, and then for his birthday again after chris died. and each time, i vowed to never be like stan. i would tell him how i was doing and i keep it balanced between the two of us—i would also send him little drawings, too.
sometimes i would picture him speaking with family, like his mom or his sister, and they’d be like “aw, ben, she likes you! she keeps writing you, she likes you!”
it’s why when alex entered the picture, i adapted this eddie vedder-type ideology of “if you love or care for someone, tell them”; the threat of the pandemic had a lot to do with it but it mostly stemmed out of my failure to fully tell ben that i liked him, and i soon realized that he’s literally way too dumb to figure it out, either.
and i soon realized that i had made a complete ass of myself, too.
where he had the opportunity to be like joey, alex, eric, or even chris and show himself to me, he never did. he never replied to me. i knew he got my letters because my mom and i would get notifications from the post office about it, and the aforementioned family members, including ione his daughter, eventually started interacting with me (if you can believe it).
my last one to him in 2017 was the last time because i was tired and we were all worried about him; in fact, it was summer 2016, i started to feel as though i was being played—that was one of the multitude of things that led to my hiatus in that i had to get away from the things that reminded me of him. i went quiet with the intent of clearing my head and turning over a new leaf. i drifted out to sea and left it in the past, no questions asked; the 2017 letter was meant to be both a means of coaxing him out of hiding as well as a postcard. and though i don’t recall what i said to him exactly, i remember my tone in that one was a bit terse; i kept things gentle and tender, like someone who truly loves you would pull you aside and say that you’re fucking up. never heard a peep.
and it wasn’t until summer 2019 when i found out why.
now i was in the dark on all channels for all of 2017 so i had to dig around to find this once i re-emerged, but there’s an interview of chris and ben from i think april of that year where ben talks about his then-2-year-old son.
wait, 2-year-old son? was what i asked aloud.
the kid was apparently born in the summer of 2015, about a month after we moved and a month after my third letter to him. and all of a sudden, it all made sense, especially the weird questions.
the gossip i was subjected to in summer 2014, about a week before i saw soundgarden in seattle, made sense, too: some woman messaged one of my friends at the time out of “concern” and diagnose me with borderline personality disorder (to this day, i still wish i knew how to screenshot back then because it’s unethical and malpractice, even if there was something truly that wrong with me), and this was immediately after she went onto my profile to trash my art.
and you would think those friends at the time would defend me and dismiss it as malpractice and abuse of ethics—nope.
they called me crazy and told me they’re worried for my mental health because a friend to miss armchair psychologist who also happens to be friends with Ben, saw him with a woman in florida and had not a single clue what was happening but put two and two together anyway.
GUESS HOW WELL I TOOK THAT.
and guess how well i took to finding out how ben had a 2-year-old and no one in his family said a single word about it to me…
or for that matter, let me down easy and told me the truth straight up.
but i’ll say this…
the day i found this out and began putting the pieces together, through my tears, i opened my sketchbook to that one sketch of joey cradling maya in his arms.
the “writing to ben shepherd for superunknown 20” to “now it’s dark” pipeline is one you cannot make up or replicate for that matter.
and i’ll also say that not a day goes by when i don’t think about him. i think of chris every day, i think of ben every day. i saw a picture of him back around christmas and he looks terrible: he had regained all of the weight he had lost during soundgarden’s third act and then some, he’s got little “baked bean” teeth, and his skin is all leathery.
what’s even more sobering is he and alex are literally the same age: ben was born september 20, alex on september 29, same year, 1968. alex, even with his frizzy disheveled hair, pale skin, and big sanpaku eyes looks very cute and like he can be his chubby, round little rosy self again if he does something. ben irreversibly became an old man over the course of a couple of years, and i know for a fact it’s from smoking as well as parenthood: i saw a pic of him in 2019 at the tribute concert to chris followed by ohana fest and he still looked good; i mean, as far as anyone knows, he had more kids.
god, i just.
…
man, you broke me.
you broke me. you broke my heart.
i did what i could with the resources at the time and even though i was too chickenshit to admit it to you, you couldn’t figure it out and you didn’t do shit about it. i kept writing to you because i had my head in the clouds but you couldn’t be mr. down-to-earth as everyone says you are… why? is it because you had a kid on the way and you were nesting and your family is so bass-ackwards that it’s too much to ask to even trust an outsider like myself? would that have made it so fucking hard to relay back to me? bro, i’ll take secrets to the grave with me if i have to.
it wasn’t a silly little obsession like what people think, it was… it was real. what i was feeling for you was real.
i loved you. and even after everything, i still love you, and i could never not love you, either.
…
…
i can only assume that he was scared to sit down and do that for me. so, to that i say that this isn’t hard to follow: i wrote to a guy who wasn’t interested but was too spineless to admit it to me.
in fact, that’s admittedly the same vibe i get from alex: there is undoubtedly something here, like i can feel it whenever i see him and hear it in his voice, but that goddamn g*psy just clings to him like that loose hair you can’t see but can feel and it’s driving you crazy. it’s a lot more passionate and intense with alex, too, and that in and of itself is a whole other essay (all i’m going to say about it is at least he’s transparent about how he feels about me).
i can only assume that ben’s baby mama has it worse.
one of the things that, to this day still stands out to me from the armchair psychologist incident, was this: “I don’t know how many girlfriends Ben has now”. yeah, and that person claimed to know him.
so, in a weird twisted way, i actually kind of feel bad for her. i tried to love the frankenbass but not even the frankenbass seems to know what he wants.
he’s an old man now and he’s probably going to be facing ill health here if he isn’t already. no idea what’s going on with his mom anymore, his sister’s neurotic, his brother’s a.w.o.l., his daughter broke it off with me as per the usual division over the israel-hamas conflict… ugh. and all i can say is welp.
but ever since then, i like to see transparency and authenticity, and i’m suspicious as fuck of people who are “not very social” and “extremely shy and private and avoidant” when it comes to the internet. i can appreciate someone who could care less about it because there are other things in life worth getting upset over, but to be calculating about it, especially when you can find it by a few keystrokes, is a major red flag in my eyes.
wonder how we’re feeling with that in mind, ahem.
i try to be transparent about the weight of my heart as well as the weight that surrounds it.
and if you have to jump… jump, even if you end up making a complete ass of yourself, because your ass will still be showing anyway.
#personal#ben shepherd#soundgarden#celebrity crush#crush#situationships#hopelessly in love#10 years ago#10 years later#10 year anniversary#text#promisqueueous
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you know, people give baby boomers a difficult time for being self-righteous and clueless. but i have never
ever
witnessed a collective of people with a bigger victim complex than gen z. in the brief time i’ve studied sociology, i’ve found every generation has a general weak point.
the g.i. generation = war torn. the silent generation = economically battered. baby boomers = myopic to the point of hilarity. gen x = cynical to a fault. millennials = economically bankrupt and also myopic to the point they’ve given up. gen z = the biggest victim complex, the most easily offended, and with the attention span of a gnat.
gen z was supposed to save us! you guys were the chosen ones. but instead, you don’t listen, you believe everything you read as the truth, you have the most fucking obnoxious purity ring mindset, and most of all... you’re the biggest hypocrites.
you worship some fucking teenage girl who’s barely legal and wouldn’t stand out in a room full of mayonnaise jars when she pounces partially nude on some magazine (and also don’t see anything wrong with her getting off at tearing other people down to make her feel better about herself), but you clutch at yourselves when an older dude wants to make friends with a teenage girl who’s of age and consenting.
moreover, you choose to believe some random person who had nothing to do with them and made some baseless claim about them other than more than likely spite.
it’s perfectly okay for you to be 15 and dress like you’re my age (late 20s) but unacceptable for a boy to approach you and ask if you want to hang out and be friends.
it’s perfectly okay for you to claim you’re a minor and shout your beliefs at people at the top of your lungs, but heaven forbid someone tells you to dial it back a bit. or: you completely ignore someone who might challenge your beliefs and get you to use your head and maybe even help you.
it’s perfectly okay to meme a pretty important event like an unmanned rocket falling to earth, the pandemic (which we’re still very much in the thick of, by the way), or what’s happening in israel, india, and colombia right now, but you actually want to know what’s happening? haha! forget it.
you’re fine with memes which have a shelf life of maybe a week at best but art? something that lasts a lifetime? what’s that?
it’s perfectly okay to say actual, important things like #blacklivesmatter, #metoo, and #stopasianhate , but truly demonstrate these things? to stand for your black best friend? to have a real actual victim of something horrible show that they had this happen to them? to take the hand of your japanese friend and pull them out of danger? oh, no, fuck all of that.
it’s perfectly okay to sit on your hands and do nothing all day, but you bitch and moan when someone suggests you to read a book, clean your room, go outside, or make yourself useful in some way.
i hate hypocrisy. it’s my biggest pet peeve and this generation of brain-dead children is so hypocritical that it angers me.
“don’t pick on us! we’re minors!” shut the fuck up right now or i’ll take your lunch money next and then shove your face in the dirt.
you know what? you’re all brats. brats who deserve to be offended so then maybe you’ll grow the fuck up.
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love how round and full alex is looking lately.
it’s like he’s still pretty chubby but the fat’s moved around to his hips and his thighs and it looks so good on him as a result.
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the fact no one acknowledges the “might seduce your dad type” line in bad guy (and the fact she was 16/17 when that song was recorded) and in the same breath people are like “don’t sexualize minors” is the gen z equivalent of boomers getting upset at a band like rage against the machine for being political.
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fever in fever out: you are literally watching alex grow up from a young boy to a fully grown man. he and samantha go through the phases of life together. “i’ve watched you change,” said in a whispery chino moreno voice.
dead man walking: alex is protector with his own head on the line. he might die all because of something he didn’t even do. now it’s dark but without the neon and the tech.
xenon dreams: alex with aviator goggles and a willingness to help chuck. he might die here, too, but instead of something in the shadows it’s out in the open and there’s also an unexploded nuke. also greg and louie cuddle in a truck.
cold embrace: alex with teeth and claws and may or may not be a complete cannibal. he’s no edward cullen, and he’s no lestat, either. but he’s out for blood. he’s out for blood and he’ll wind up saving a life.
pitch-black/blood & chocolate: hot weather and a food kink at its finest. everything is awful. eric likes to cook where alex likes to eat, what can possibly go wrong? but also what the hell is even happening.
love is not enough: sexy alex. hey, he’s got that erotic “x” in his name, it was bound to happen. two girls feel him up and they explore their sexuality through him, and he in turn does the same thing with them. the raging, edgy wildfire to fever’s slow, hazy smolder.
#i really have made love to this man haven't i#alex skolnick#fanfic#fever in fever out#dead man walking#xenon dreams#cold embrace#pitch black#blood & chocolate#love is not enough#text#promisqueueous#ao3#ao3 fanfic
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i can feel the softness in your belly, alex, the silky delicate feeling that comes from within your heart, i wish to kiss it and feel it on my tongue for myself.
i wish to caress you and make you feel even softer, all for me. the fullest and sexiest curve, the softest and curviest of love handles, the softest most tender skin as it lays under my lips and the flannel, and your belly button so round and light, all so light and so full at the same time. light and full, perfect for the softest little kisses.
you want me to kiss you, that sweet, sexy, so very silky feeling in the pit of your full belly: like you’re wearing a button up slightly too small and the button hugs the slimmest part. you want me. i want your body.
the silk caresses your body and the darkness makes you even fuller. the roundness of your belly, baby boy—the lush gorgeous curves of your body, every inch of you is so sexy and soft—every single inch of man, how a man should be… so much fuller and softer, and i long for the velvet of your tongue.
#oh maaaan#i crafted this when i was writing cold embrace#nothing has changed either—if anything the feeling has only gotten sexier#best way i can title this is ‘saturday night skolnick’ 😮💨#text#promisqueueous
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you know the world of music is in trouble when you’re charging fucking 200$ u.s. for a sweatshirt that looks like it was made at the mall and even your diehard fans are like, “jeez, that’s expensive.”
#not a good sign you guys#remember what i said a couple of weeks ago no one’s gonna pay that much for anything esp. if it’s music-related?#text#promisqueueous#billie eilish
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you know, as much as i can’t stand finneas and how he’s bit of a jerk, i actually have a lot more respect for him because he’s the one writing, creating, and producing music whereas his sister is more of a prop at this point.
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testament // night of the witch
this song makes me moist
#testament band#testament#titans of creation#2020#🎵#nirvhannahgarden soundtrack#music#spotify#promisqueueous
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30 days of anthrax
day nine: favorite pic of Dan
i have always, always, always loved this one of him
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30 days of anthrax
day twelve: favorite pic of the current lineup (Jon Donais era)
i always see this one whenever i dig into the anthrax gold mine and it always catches my eye. might be the fact it always crops it at joey and frankie, i dunno
#not sure where scott is tho#30 days of anthrax#anthrax#jon donais#joey belladonna#frank bello#charlie benante#day 12#day twelve#current line up#30 day challenge#promisqueueous
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30 days of anthrax
day one: favorite era
i have two:
the first is spreading the disease era! all the black leather and everyone was adorable.
the second is for all kings era. i dunno... there’s just a lot of dark and twisted charm here, and my being a li’l goth brat and everything. everyone's also way more mature, too. (going from one extreme to the other, that's what i'm all about~)
#30 days of anthrax#anthrax#day one#day 1#spreading the disease#for all kings#for all (queens)#favorite era#joey belladonna#scott ian#frank bello#charlie benante#dan spitz#jon donais#edited#my edit#promisqueueous
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i took this last night from the living room window just because i liked the way that cloud looked with the sunset (it was actually smoke from that big fire down south - this big plume of smoke just drifted over us with the incoming monsoon flow; there was no breeze yesterday so it was free to float over us and off to the north like this big wispy veil in total silence. it was almost surreal.)
the more i look at this, the more i feel like it could be the groundwork for concept art for either the artist or amped and wired, like holly’s standing at the rim of her parents’ porch with a cup of coffee and staring out to the valley or joey and lars are chillin’ after a lake effect snowstorm.
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30 days of anthrax
day thirteen: favorite song from the first Belladonna era
oh man. this was hard. those first eight years with joey are heavenly, but i had to return to the one that made me realize the power of his voice and also, his sexiness. “it’s the lady! the evil lady!”
#30 days of anthrax#anthrax#medusa#spreading the disease#1985#🎵#nirvhannahgarden soundtrack#music#heavy metal#joey belladonna#scott ian#dan spitz#frank bello#charlie benante#day 13#day thirteen#promisqueueous
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30 days of anthrax
day ten: favorite pic of John
never realized how much he looks like eddie vedder ‘til i found this one
#30 days of anthrax#30 day challenge#day 10#day ten#john bush#anthrax#armored saint#black and white#promisqueueous
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