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radley-writes · 1 year

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Tell me! About the new wip! Yell things! Plz!

mundus transit et concupiscentia eius

Title: DREAMHUNTERS. or SOMNUS SANCTI. or THE SANDMEN'S SCHOOL FOR SLEEPLESS YOUTH. idk hfjfjgfgj

Age range: MG or YA (haven't yet decided the MCs' ages...) Genre: urban fantasy, high school fantasy, light horror Main characters: Zack, white British bi trans boy, 13-15, absolute coward and proud of it. Sour and sneaky, he doesn't know how to do this whole friend thing and doesn't intend to start. Reacts to kindness like a feral kitten to strokes; would lie about getting bitten in a zombie apocalypse. Zoe, Pakistani-British hijabi bi cis girl, 13-15. Fun-loving and adventurous, she's the sunshine to Zack's scowl. In fact, she's a little too eager to throw herself into danger. She has all the self-preservation instinct of a gingernut biscuit and (worse yet, if you ask Zack) a deep-seated desire to do the right thing. Vanderloss, Black British disabled Ehlers-Danlos enbie, 26-ish. An overpowered disaster of a teacher. Despite caring deeply for all xer little brats, xe remains an extremely distractable dork. Has lost children on school trips. Will do it again. I love xem anyway. <3

Every night in Cambridge, the Time Eater clock strikes twelve.

Then it strikes thirteen.

And the monsters come out.

Reality and Dream: two worlds in a locked orbit, converging only at their furthest-flung edges. During the thirteenth hour, when time traps mortals like flies in tree sap, nightmares seep into our realm and devour human minds. They leave comatose victims in their wake, lost to the deadly Sleeping Sickness, as well as a constant, palpable undercurrent of fear.

But the nightmares should be frightened, too.

Beneath the grand Gothic vaults of Trinity and Kings lies another world of academia - one far more ancient, devoted to the arcane. Every year, a hundred humans are born a step outside of time, able to walk through the inverted lightscape of the Thirteenth Hour as if they too are spun not from substance, but surreality. The Sandman Academy gathers these youths, grants them their hourglasses - containing solidified granules of sunlight, the only effective weapon against dreams - and trains them to fight for all humanity.

And to die.

Horribly.

Torn apart by their worst nightmares.

So, when Zack Strange is chosen as one of humanity's guardians, you can see why his reaction is no way in hell. Allergic to risk-taking, conflict, things that go boo in the night (and, some would say, fun) Zack just wants to restart his nice, normal life at his nice, normal school, under his new name. And to find a binder that's comfy for PE class. Is that really too much to ask?

In contrast, when Zoe Ansari received a giant hourglass and was told she would train to slay nightmares, her only question was when do we start? Zoe quickly falls in love with the warped Escher-world of the Thirteenth Hour. She knows no fear. She knows no danger. She knows, if you ask Zack, far less than she thinks she does, and is likely to get herself and everyone in a ten-mile radius dead - which makes it a crying shame that he's her training partner.

Zack grudgingly joins the Sandmen in the hopes that they can save his grandma, who is in hospital after having her mind stolen by a dream. But shadowed secrets lurk in the heart of their new school. When Zack and Zoe discover a dangerous truth about the Sleeping Sickness, they will be forced to question their loyalty to the school and each other, and what it truly means to be brave.

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #wip #my writing #am writing #original fiction #original novel #original writing #original story #amwriting #sandmen #radley writes #somnus sancti

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lilredghost · 10 months

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babyyy!!! i was listening to songs and these two struck out as perfect for the emperor obi-wan fic <333 Saudebaazi (from aakrosh) the lyrics and the tune has me going mad- seedhe saadhe saara saudha seedha seedha hona ji (the the trade/business/deal is simple/straightforward) maine tumko paana hai ya tumne meko khona ji (either i get/acquire/gain you or you have to lose me) literally true for this disaster duo cause they began with a contract!!!! Mere sang (idk the film but katrina's in it???) this is such anakin thinking about obi wan in the later parts of the fic!! mere sang toh chal zaraa (walk with me) kyun dikhe dara dara (why do you look so afraid) chal tujhko aa chupa du apni main baahon mein (come, let me hide you in my arms) chal khwaab kuchh sajaa du teri in nigaahon mein (come, let me decorate your eyes with dreams)

i couldnt stop myself and went and binge read the whole of the fic again im now sick with pining these two are such idiots

BABY!!! Took me almost a week to get the time to sit down and listen to these songs (I kept putting them on and then getting distracted... next time I'm playing them in the shower 😂) but you are SO right omg 🙌

Saudebaazi has that classic, like, time-period-appropriate feel to it. It just matches SO well. And the lyrics 🥺 Sauda umeedon ka hai, khwaabon ka, neendon ka hai -> This deal is made of hopes, is made of dreams, is made of sleep.

Like ohhh they both had so many hopes about how things would turn out when they started and they're only just beginning to get to where they wanted to be.

The second song I'd never heard before but I like it! (Turns out it's from the movie New York, jsyk) The "why do you look so afraid" literally SLAYED me. Anakin wanting to take care of Obi-Wan always always gets me 😭

Now obviously I have to bring my own contributions to the table… Jaane Kyun Log Pyaar from Dil Chahta Hai absolutely breaks my heart but it's very much the both of them at the crux of the "enemies" part of their arcs. Even just the way it opens… Jaane kyun log pyaar karte hai. Jaane kyun voh kise pe marte hai. -> Why do people love? Why does a person die for someone / pine for someone?

Bc Anakin just straight up does not get it (ie: he's never had big dreams of love, and the concept is only causing him pain) and Obi-Wan is… obviously… having a bad time in those chapters…

Pyaar mein sar jhukaana parta hai -> In love, you have to lower your head Dard mein muskuraana parta hai -> Even in pain, you have to smile Zehr kyun zindagi mein bharte hai -> Why do people fill their lives with this poison?

My mind also went straight to Galliyan from Ek Villain (but the unplugged ver though cause there's just something so tragic about it). I truncated some parts just so this isn't insanely long but:

Yahi doobe din mere -> This is where my days end Yahi hote hai savere -> This is where my mornings happen Yahi marna aur jeena -> This is where I die and where I live Yahi mandir aur Medina -> This is my temple and Medina Teri galliyan… -> Your alleyways… Mujh ko bhaave, galliyan teri galliyan -> They soothe me, your alleyways …Yun he tarpaave, galliyan teri galliyan -> …They agonize me, your alleyways

Idk WHAT it is about people using religion to describe love (a la Tujh Mein Rab Dikta Hai, Jab Se Tere Naina, etc) but it drives me INSANE, I can't get enough

I'm sure if I thought a little harder, some less depressing songs would come to mind but like. I have one brain cell and it likes seeing obikin suffer 😅

#also to me sun zara from lucky is like the ultimate pining song so it feels very them...#out here about 3 seconds from making a playlist #but idk if I'd want songs in english songs in hindi or a mix lol #emperor obi-wan au #asks #imjusttoofunky

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monstersdownthepath · 2 years

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Monster Spotlight: Etiainen

CR 1

Chaotic Neutral Medium Outsider

Bestiary 5, pg. 111

Named after a strange, ephemeral phenomena described in Finnish folklore as being akin to a premonition enacted by an unseen being, the Etiainen (whose name will be shortened to Etia from here on out) of Golarion are psychic impressions of past significance, whether it be high emotions of a whole population or the final echoes of a powerful psychic worn away with age. They are akin to ‘living ghosts,’ acting as curious spirits addicted to routine, often reenacting events they’ve either witnessed or passively absorbed the psychic/emotional impression of. An Etia formed from a hero slaying a great evil may mime the final battle over and over again until something breaks its loop, while one bound to an occult presence in the area (an Artifact, an ancient ritual, a congregation of psychics, etc) may act as a general custodian or mischief maker for its territory, budging things around with their at-will Mage Hand and Open/Close.

The most unsettling thing Etia can do, however, is using Assume Visage to take on the shape of a creature they can see. They can use Disguise Self for a meager 1 PE (which they have 15 of), but can only do so to steal the exact shape and size of a Medium or Small creature it can see, turning into a perfect duplicate in every way... except that the Etia remains Incorporeal. When taking on the visage of another being, the Etia apes the behaviors of its target, following not their trail, but their potential path. Etia may arrive in a location minutes before their imitated target does, taking all the exact actions their target will with precision that suggests prescience... with the exception of speaking (they cannot speak even when in another’s form). They follow their target’s potential for seconds to minutes, only to vanish via Teleport (5 PE) the instant their target ‘catches up’ with the strange spirit, so they’re never actually seen in the same room as one another.

Adding to the common belief that they’re a strange form of undead spirit or ghostly phenomena, an Etia will actually stop existing if it runs out of psychic energy. Their Ephemeral Existence is tenuous at the best of times, but if they ever spend their last PE point, they vanish entirely... for about 24 hours, returning to life at full HP and PE after that time passes, reappearing within 100ft of the spot it demanifested. Winking in and out of existence, Etia can ‘haunt’ single locations for ages as unsettled locals try every folk remedy they can think of to exorcise what they (rightfully) may believe is a restless soul or mischievous, spiritual doppleganger.

Their habits and appearance are distressing enough, to say nothing of their habits of imitating people they see, but the ephemeral critters are profoundly difficult to get rid of when the people they’re haunting have had enough. An Etia that finds itself in danger can usually phase through the nearest wall to escape or use up all its PE teleporting away and then vanishing as its Ephemeral Existence ends. Their sole means of offense is an incorporeal touch attack that does a meager 1d6 damage, but the fact it’s a touch attack from an incorporeal creature means it’s absolutely lethal to Commoners and level 1 adventurers who have limited or even NO means to fight back against the spirit of jamais vu. More dangerously than the damage, anyone struck by the attack has a full minute of their memory wiped out unless they succeed a DC 13 Will save, and while success on the save prevents one from being affected by the Memory Drain for 24 hours, failing once usually means the victim has no idea they’re actually fighting until they take damage again, potentially locking an especially unlucky low-Will target in a feedback loop where they become increasingly damaged and disoriented but have no idea why.

While a ‘wild’ Etia will not likely continue a battle longer than it has to, Teleporting away at its earliest opportunity or returning to whatever strange loop it was in before as soon as its targets are rendered unconscious, there are instances of a psychic managing to establish a communication with the creatures. Extremely sensitive to psionic will, Etia’s can easily fall under the sway of even mediocre occult casters, serving as pseudo-familiars to them for a short time. Etia make for decent spies or messengers due to their teleportation and incorporeal bodies, but they have another disquieting habit: taking on the shape of the psychic whose will they’re responding to. It’s painfully easy to figure out who’s sending this strange, ghostly figure into the night, making this method of espionage dangerous at best.

... but there’s also the fact that Etia are prone to clinging to any psychic phenomena. If they find another, stronger psychic, or another source of occult energy, or see something that reminds them of whatever person, place, or event that gave birth to them, they shuck the control of the mage that believed them leashed with basically no effort and hover around this NEW curiosity instead. They have basically no loyalty to anything but their own flights of fancy, and can never truly be ‘controlled’ any more than a breeze can be directed.

You can read more about them here.

#Monster Spotlight #CR 1 to 5 #Pathfinder #Dungeons and Dragons

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kissagii · 2 years

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𝕒𝕠𝕥 𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕖𝕔𝕥 𝕢𝕦𝕠𝕥𝕖𝕤

things i've heard said at school edition

Levi: What are you doing? Eren: Hange gave me chemistry homework. Levi: Oh, chemistry? Chemistry is horrible. Hange: *ready to throw hands*

Jean:So, basically, the Finnish want to get down to business Sasha: To defeat~ the huns~ Jean: And the Italians want to become French. Wait no- FRIENDS. Connie: frENCH?? the italians want to become frENCH? Jean: NO, FRIENDS. FRIENDS. Someone else needs to present this.

Eren: *doing math* ugh, these numbers are so ugly Armin: Fractions are perfectly good numbers to have. Don't be so judgmental, not everything has to be an integer. Mikasa: But the solutions are pretty weird... Armin: Wow, you're so shallow, I hope you're not like this with real people

Hange: *nervous* I don't know, I don't like speaking in front of freshmen cadets Erwin: Well there aren't any freshmen cadets in the room so you'll be fine Levi: Freshmen cadets are horrible. They don't deserve to live. And they taste like chicken so...

Bertholdt: Oh, you're doing the first year PE classwork? That stuff traumatized me. Annie: All I remember about first year PE was that the teachers literally didn't care. Reiner: Yeah, there was one day when some kid gave another kid a haircut in the bathroom. Annie: Wait, when? Reiner: Here's the video. The video: *Connie giving Jean a haircut in the school bathroom while Eren and Marco look over the stall doors*

Some couple: *literally making out at school* Ymir: Ew, straight people. Historia: Absolutely disgusting.

Sasha: Look! I did it! Jean: You go girl! Connie: Yess, girlboss! Erwin: Yass queen, slay! Literally everyone: stop. ಠ_ಠ

i go to a very strange school...

#{🐌 - snails}#why did i write this??#not even going to tag this #it's too cursed to put into the tags

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escapenightmare · 1 year

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pe is physical ed !! sports sciences is probs the best way to describe it - its my absolute fave subject i slay so hard in it

ohh yea that sounds fun what do u have to do in it?

#— zuki's lovers.#— mel.#i miss sports :(

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justanotherfanfolks · 6 months

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Twisted Wonderland Main Story Scattered Thoughts (Book 1 Chapter 5-8)

Another Twistune already? For moi? Oh TWST, you shouldn’t have! Okay, making a mental note: Poitionology is their first period. I wonder if their schedule works like high school or college. Hi Professor Crewel! …again, why isn’t he ??? ? It’s Dae-vus?! Oh, I’ve, heh, been saying that wrong. And will probably continue to do so because I’ve gotten used to it. What is mycelia? I mean, I know mycelium is a type of fungus, am I close? Ace, your special skill is memorization. Well, not rote memorization, but still. Rote memorization is my special skill! I usually end up using it for less important things though, like remembering too many facts about this game and pi. History of magic is period 2. Trein! Lucius! Heh, everyone’s always sleeping when I do history lessons! Y’all are yawning? I want that textbook, give it here! Coach Bargas! So Period 3 is PE. I wonder how many periods there are? No! No raw eggs! 20 laps? No sir, I’ll die after 4. My middle school PE days are behind me, never again! And I can’t even do one push-up. Deuce here to slay. No, watch Deuce say magical application right after Ace says that! Oh no, Grim’s on the loose! Where is he going? Grim, no! Don’t blow stuff up, we have Ortho for that! If I had a nickel for every time Grim needed to be chased down… I love Ace and Deuce’s prices for helping, iconic. It’s a deal. Ace, it’s giving Azul. The WORST Prefect? This is such a friendship. I don’t think we give Deuce enough credit for the absolute menace that he can be! THE NET THE NET! Grim-lin. They really want those treats! Oh my gosh! I was literally just thinking about Grim getting crushed by one of Deuce’s cauldrons and it actually happened! Yes perfectly in sync, as they should be! They earned that dessert!

The return of the battle! There is so much player engagement in the main story, I love it! Grim, you literally just started! How are you already bored of class? Well, actually, he acts exactly like my classmates during the beginning of school years. Sometimes I forget I’m a nerd and enjoying lectures is not the norm. Cafeteria! Some of my favorite vignettes happened here! Grim is so excited about the buffet. Side comment, in Jade’s labwear vignette we find out that Silver eats the mushroom risotto every day during lunch. Honestly, same. I am exactly the same. Have you guys ever heard of a chicken patty? Ugh, I love those! Best day of the week for elementary school me. And when I leveled up and went to schools that offered them every day, I was living the dream. I’m picky with bad intestines, I can’t eat anything else. Now I want a chicken patty… Okay, side piece over. POV: Grim is too short to reach the buffet. “Delinquent” oh no, confrontation. Wait, we have former delinquent here, oh no. “M-my carbonara!” I’m going to pretend I know what that is. Broskies, it’s a buffet. Just get another one! “HANGRY!” Grim’s going to commit a violence now. Ok, I looked up the carbonara and I’m seeing pictures of spaghetti with an egg on them. Deuce: Um, excuse me but fighting with magic is against the rules. He’s being a good boy. You know what, sorry another side tangent, I’ve always wanted to see a story with a magical school where people could go HAM with their magic. I mean it makes sense why they can't, but I wanna see it. I do love how they can use magic outside of class, though. I can’t remember which franchise it was, but I remember a story where the characters weren’t allowed to use magic outside of class and I was like “it’s a MAGIC school, why not?!” My pet peeve is magic schools not letting the students use magic outside of class, cause that’s lame. If I had magic, the spells would never stop. Okay, other tangent over, man I need to focus. Oh these are Heartslaybul guys… Interesting… Oh, I think they want to commit a murder, actually. What- where did the blonde dude come from?! Maybe I wasn’t paying attention. 12000, RIP they’re stronger than Cater! Wait, actually there are 3 of them. Doing the math, assuming they are at equal power level, that puts them at 4000 each. Ahahaha, I could demolish them in less than a turn. “But only ‘cuz I don’t want my pasta getting cold” excuses excuses, but a good one, cold pasta is sad. Yuu: I guess this is my life now. Why did you miss breakfast, Ace! Someone feed this boy! CATER AND TREY! Cay-Trey! Uh, does their duo have a name? Anyway, I love these two! Cater explaining the premise. Cater is a menace, actually. “I’m just a friendly mentor figure!” What, you don’t like Deucey, Deucey? Well, in Japanese it’s “Deuce-chan” so I guess he doesn’t like being called cute. How the heck does Yuu know Trey’s name? Omg, Trey’s first appearance, I just realized! The whole Heartslabyul gang is here! Now we just need Riddle! I need you guys to know spellcheck wants me to change “Heartslabyul” to “Heart Lab Yulgang”. Homeboys were not paying attention during their orientation party, they can’t remember Trey or Cater. “That dump of a-ah, I mean the ‘rustic’ dorm”. Trey can be rude too. Cater is just, the hotspot for gossip. Trey knows all the tea by association. Ace, you don’t want to eat with Cater and Trey? But it’s Cater and Trey! Cater is so eager for digits, that’s rich coming from the boy actively avoiding close friendships. Ace’s big bro absolutely failed him as a Heartslabyul alumni if Ace doesn’t even know the rules are a thing. I mean, I guess Riddle’s the first to actually enforce them, but to not even know they are a thing? “A kingdom of weirdos” you guys are a dorm of weirdos too. But that’s why I like ‘em! Grim, shush, I’m interested!

Ah, we get to see all the dorms! Heartslabyul really coming in with all the exposition! That is not hard to remember, Yuu. Dorm flavor, Trey has the weirdest metaphors. Flashback to Phantom Bride. JACK! Live Jack appearance, wow! “Muscly dog man, sure why not.” Yuu’s just shrugging through everything at this point. “Macho dudes? Gruff big brothers?” I love his dialogue. Octavinelle boy? AZUL! Cameos, cameos everwhere. I love how they use the armbands to tell them apart instead of, you know, the very colorful vests and color-coordinated magical pens they wear. I mean, I guess not everyone ears the vest. *cough* Cater *cough*. Gotta be from, okay no way, that’s the housewarden, you must know that Mr. Vice Housewarden Trey. Oh, they don’t know he’s vice housewarden, yet! *grins* Oh I can’t wait to see that. JAMIL AND KALIM! JAMIL AND KALIM! The Scarabia Duo! These two single-handedly made me get this game, Book 4 my beloved! Why are they eating with Azul? CATER! Way to insult my boy Kalim, ouch! Ace calling him out for going on a tangent. And Trey agreeing, omg! Wait, Kalim and Cater are clubmates. CATER THAT’S SO FAKE OF YOU! Those two are supposed to be chill, how dare. EPEL EPEL EPEL EPEL EPEL EPEL! My OG fave, HI BUDDY! … and Rook. *wheeze* THE GIRL! GRIM! DEUCE! The way they don’t seem to understand the concept of an all-boys school. The term all-boys implies, you know, all-boys. Makes me wonder about other schools. The conversation about dimensions is killing me, I love them! Why did that sentence finish after the tap? “Who cares how many dimensions” could have been a stand alone sentence because I think it’s funnier that way. OH MY GOSH 5,000,000?! “True dat”. The introverts of Ignihyde not even being there. Oh, hang on I just had a thought. Why are Kalim and Jamil there, they eat at the dorm? Did Kalim already blow up the kitchen again? Did Azul get Kalim to eat lunch with him and Jamil got dragged along? But what about Ortho “So Anyway I Started Blasting” Shroud? I mean he’s not officially a student yet, but he’s not quiet and serious, he’s a blast and a half! I, I want to see Ortho, I love our little robot boy. Engineering dorm! I am so fascinated by technology crossed with magic! “Diahonyalara” I can’t breathe! They have their own special seating area, I wonder if Diasomnia wanted that or if everyone just decided that was their spot and avoided going near them. ¾ of the Diasomnia Family of Four! Sebek! Lilia! SILVER! They don’t get dialogue until Book 2, right? Book 2 is going to be great. Little kid! Lilia being short and cute! LILIA JUMPSCARE! I LOVE PEEPAW! Sebek and Silver are just staring. Okay, Sebek may not want to be friends, but go talk to Silver he’s sweet! Lilia’s hearing is crazy. Cater again not mentioning his association with his fellow Pop Music Club member. Malleus namedrop! Okay, so the thing with being in the top 5: If you are considered to be in the top 5, you're in 4th or 5th place. If you were in 3rd or higher, people would say you were in the top 3. Makes me wonder if Malleus is 4th or 5th, and what the heck 1-3 looks like! Oh no, Ace is badmouthing Riddle, you know what that means. RIDDLE JUMPSCARE! Nooo, he’s standing right behind him and Ace doesn’t notice! I’m telling you, I miss Riddle randomly appearing every time you talk smack or break a rule! It was so funny! My boy really summoned a To Be Continued.

#twisted wonderland #twst #Fan finally plays the main story

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scr4wny-n-b0ny · 2 years

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food log

04.10.2022

breakfast: coffee with soy milk - 14 kcal

lunch: noodles with cabbage, spinach and corn - 95 kcal

dinner: homemade veggie and lentil burgers, piece of bread - 265 kcal

snacks/drinks: coke zero - 0 cals

exercise: walk, run, PE at school lol -405 kcals

tot: 379 kcals

net: -26 kcals

today the net is negative slay. at school my teacher let me run my ass off while everyone was playing volleyball together like that is normal behavior ToT btw the noodles were the shit, absolutely fine asf 10/10, but the burgers were so shit not even mustard or sriracha could save them. it was no use. but i don’t like throwing away food and they were really low cal so it was the only thing i was willing to eat while in front of my mom

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inspector-montoya-fox · 2 years

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hi happy new year, how are you? to start off 2022 i’m gonna rank my top 10 favourite guards from the Sly trilogy. let’s take a look:

10. Card-dealing Dalmatian: honestly made the list mainly because of the outfit - it’s a look - but overall just a funny lil boi, a jokester

9. Basset Hound Pirate: this guy wants to take a nap but he can’t because LeFwee will probably cut his dick off idk. he’s not groundbreaking by any means, but i love the vest and the eye-patch as well as the fact that he has his own little mini cannon

8. Japanese Culture Aficionado Walrus: ok this guy... when Sir Frogger told his guards to wear overalls, this guy didn’t listen. fuck overalls he said. he prolly watches hentai and reads Naruto, and owns a scooter like Furio Tigre. god knows his income isn’t enough to buy a proper motorcycle, so he chose to settle. also, he feels really uncomfortable around his squid coworker

7. Janitor Rat: so imagine it’s late in Paris and you’re stuck cleaning the disgusting club floor, trying to get muddy footprints and gum out of the carpet (great choice Dimitri) while all your friends are out clubbing, and this cane-wielding dude in blue who doesn’t wear pants comes in and trashes the place. i mean, i’d be mad too tf ?? honestly, props to the janitor rat for standing up. you go, janitor rat.

6. Wolves: a silly lil guy, a cutie. why would you want to pick a fight with him? for shame.

5. Gays: listen. if it wasn’t for Tony de Killer B, these guys wouldn’t have made it on the list. but he paved the way, he put in the work. the outfit... mama mia ! 100% absolutely, he’s ready to vogue, he’s ready to death drop, it’s very John Galliano. the mask? it’s giving camp. skipped leg day for the past 8 years? that too. what’s there not to love exactly?

4. Y2K Monke Gurl: is she good at her job? no, she’s actually abysmal at it. but did she slay with her fit? i think she deserves a raise, Mr Panda. from the bandana to the blush, the braid, the gloves, the flame detailing on the sides, the sandal. GIVE US EVERYTHING, we stan. we have no choice but to stan. also, very good at finding excellent hiding spots, i’ll give her that too

3. Bomb Cock: i love these guys honestly. they’re just here to have a good time even though it might be their last. they’re doing the most and it’s ok, no judgement. very much Looney Tunes rejects with their comically huge bombs. they want to protect the hens in the coop but they’re way too destructive for that, it’s hilarious. if they were a lyric, they’d be When other bitches tryna get with my dude and when other chickens tryna get in my coop from Streets by Doja Cat

2. Moose Dude: ok hear me out on this one. very controversial choice but i couldn’t place them lower, i’m sorry. they’re lovable idiots/ jocks. they wear jock straps because they’re comfy, they probably smell like sweaty balls, they drink beer all the time. it’s the type of oblivious, dumbfounded straighty you see in gay porn. they’re pea-brained, they wanna play RC battles all day because they never finished high school despite being the best at PE. the poor things had no other option but to become guards. absolute goons. the way Murray just waltzed into their man-cave with a moose head on and they didn’t even bat an eye is so charming, these dudes drive me nuts. i’m a furry

Honorable Mention: Carmelita: she’s not a guard, but her patrolling the hubs always puts a smile on my face. what an absolute legend, what a ki. the mega threat herself, not letting anyone out of her sight, no matter the weather condition, the hub architecture, the surroundings. nothing.

1. Doberman Flashlight Guards: this is elite tier guard, no questions asked. these guys understood the assignment. they don’t care that their coworkers are wearing jailbird attire or that some of them even come to work nude; they’re gonna wear that fucking tuxedo and rock it. the way they walk is so funny, the way they run too, and if they catch you they’ll just waste an entire round of bullets because they’ll howl and shoot at the sky. that’s a good doggy !! they’ve been working hard and they’ve been cashing Muggshot’s cheques, because they’ve always got that cigar in their mouths. i love them, 10/10

#i'm in a silly goofy mood can you tell?#my name is Tony de Killer B and i've been afraid of insects my whole life. stop stop stop where? where's the bee? THERE'S A BEE !?#how have the two first days of 2022 been for you? good or bad?#lmk and tell me your thoughts on my ranking #i wanna do more of these. i'm thinking i'm gonna rank the racers from the first game next or secondary characters #or maybe villain bossfight locations or missions idk #sly cooper #ranking

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egokoronaoblog · 2 years

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actually funnily enough i'm doing a pacer test next week so you know what. here's some joe tazuna hcs, fitness gram pacer test edition!

- as i said he loves the pacer test!! running and him go really well - he has to burn energy somehow honestly. - when it gets announced like a week beforehand hes like the one kid who will be like "YES!!!!" while everyone else internally cries - sara has never seen him so happy over something related to school before - or organized for that matter - they'd be hanging out after school like true besties and he's like "okay so the first nine laps i can go pretty slow- it wont be as fun but it'll totally be worth it later on-" - i've never gone past 20 laps in the past though so idk how far he'd make it. i'd estimate like 40+ though. hes really good at figuring stuff out when he really really thinks hard - as one of those students who quite literally sucks at all subjects pe is like. the only thing he HAS to excel bc if he cant do that then?? what else?? sadly theres no subject for taking care of animals in high school which SUCKS but oh well he'll make do with what he has - the day of the pacer test he brings like two water bottles and if ryoko n sara can they'll sneak out of their gym period to watch him absolutely slay - though the funny thing with pacer tests is that theres partners. one partner runs and the other records how many laps you do - so after joe runs he has to watch whoever his partner is run - and his attention span is like zero and hes so happy about how he did hes like "WAIT HOW MANY LAPS DID THEY DO!??"

,;;i can look at this when i get sad

this is amazing

#joes my comfort character so i really enjoy hcs about him #joe tazuna #yttd #your turn to die #kimi ga shine #kiara the crazy cat lady #ily

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bemtevis · 2 years

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it's slaying absolute pe- *gets shot*

#I'm pretty sure I can't say most of those words help

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osmw1 · 4 years

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Crowbar Nurse Chapter 15 — Fanficcers Ship, That’s What They Do

Back in front of the safehouse, the three of us had begun planning our endgame strategy together.

“This would be the path to get to the truck ending.”

I drew a line on the ground with a stick of chalk. Kiryū and I came across a set of sidewalk chalk on our way home and now we were putting it to good use by drawing maps. … Originally, it was meant to evoke the image that children were playing in the streets one day and then suddenly getting attacked by zombies, but it was never shown in the actual game for ethical reasons… Oh, and if you wanted to know, the set had every color a kid could ever need.

“Go this way, then here, turn here, then like this, then… and that’s our goal. Simple, right?” “Turn this way here?” “No, no. It’s that way there.” “Oh… so, like this?” “No, not like that. Like this.” “And then that way?” “No, the other way.” “Then this way.” “No! I’m telling you, that way over there…” “Gaaah! Knock it off, you two! Neither one of you are making any sense anymore!”

Elizabeth interrupted our serious and earnest preparation session.

“What is going on?! Ever since you have returned from the firing range, you lot have been completely incoherent, mainly because you are deliberately avoiding any eye contact! What on earth happened between the two of you?!” “Umm, erm…”

Stumbling with my words, I glanced at Kiryū who immediately looked away in a fluster. Both of us must’ve been embarrassed about how I had run up and hugged him earlier.

“… N-Nothing at all! There’s nothing that you have to worry about, Elizabeth!”

I squeezed my eyes shut and shrieked back at her, but I don’t think it helped my case at all.

“… I see. So, that’s how it is,” Elizabeth responded in a low whisper. “Huh?"

I opened my eyes to see her grinning from ear to ear.

“Umm, Elizabeth?” “I see. I understand now. So, that sort of stuff happened at the firing range.” “Wha—?!”

My head was about to snap off from how hard I was shaking my head, but Elizabeth wasn’t reacting to me at all. She was dripping with fraught just a moment ago. I guess it was good that she’s got her spirit back, but where did all of this excitement come from?

“Umm, are you alright, Elizabeth? Is something the matter?” “… I apologize for the late and abrupt introduction.” “Huh?” “I am but yet another wage slave from Shinjuku. My hobbies include dating simulations, reader-inserts, and providing dating advice to the friends around me.” “Reader-inserts?”

The term seemed to have thrown Kiryū for a loop.

“What are those? I come across lots of fan labor made by women due to the nature of my work, but I’ve never heard of that one before… Any clue, Sera?” “No, not one bit.”

As I shook my head again, this time, Elizabeth responded with a chuckle.

“Not a surprise, seeing how Sera is but a normie… Reader-insert is but a small subgenre within fanfiction. It is a type of story in which the audience inserts themselves as the protagonist, paired with a canon character. Though it doesn’t get much attention, the subgenre has quite a few followers worldwide, even outside of Japan, where they’re sometimes called x readers .” “What does the x mean though?”

Elizabeth readily answered his question.

“The x denotes pairing. You would put the character name before the x to signify the work pairs the character and the reader in a relationship, usually a romantic one. Authors overseas usually write in second person, but here in Japan, we use cookies and scripts to pull the reader’s name from their account and insert it into the text. … And for your reference, I stan canon/OC pairings. That is to say, rather than using the reader, I prefer stories with OC.” “OC?”

Kiryū was thrown for loop after loop, then he looked at me.

“… Any clue, Sera?” “No, not one bit.”

Elizabeth sighed in exasperation as I shook my head for the third time.

“You truly know nothing, don’t you…? ‘OC’ is short for ‘original character’. Anyway, getting back on track and to summarize what I mean, I indulge in observing the romance between other people. Just listening to my friends and family gushing about their love interests is simply not enough. Instead, I have to reach out to dating sims and fanfiction to satiate this desire of mine. Though I don’t care much for getting directly involved. That is why I am delighted to see this unfold.” “… What exactly is unfolding here?”

My question had only pleased her more.

“Why, of course, the situation between you and Kiryū! You two are almost like grade schoolers in how you are so conscious of each other now.” “Yeah, right! What are you talking about?!” “I am so not!”

Somehow, we both picked the most childish ways to respond to her. It was likely just him panicking, but the way how Kiryū said it was exactly how a grade schooler would.

Elizabeth mockingly scoffed back, “Heh. It’s obvious, seeing how flustered you two are. So, something did indeed happen at the firing range, then? I’m not about to judge. However, with how confused you two are, you have also lost your teamwork and communication. Now, hurry up and tell you love each other and embrace already so that we can proceed with the ending with clear heads.”

She extended her hands out towards us, as if she were waiting on something to happen.

“Think about us for a moment, Elizabeth! Surely, it’s obvious that you’re asking for something totally unreasonable!” “I am?” “Yes, you are! I haven’t met Kiryū in person before, you know? There’s no way I could even consider anything romantic between us! My feelings towards Kiryū are purely and genuinely one of respect!” “Right, sure. So she said, Kiryū.”

She takes an upwards glance at him as she spoke. Kiryū simply nodded and brushed off her comments as to end this embarrassing topic for good.

Elizabeth, why did you have to go and bring that up…?

I sighed in defeat as I looked up at Kiryū, who looked just as fed up with the situation as I was. I’m sure we were both thinking the same thing as we couldn’t help but chuckle at our predicament.

“… See how in sync you two are?”

In a complete reversal, she had turned to a sage; her expression was calm and gentle and her laughter dry, but different from the teasing tone that marked her previously. … A thought randomly popped into my mind: Oh, that’s right. She’s got her teaching license, doesn’t she? Perhaps she’s taught boys and girls in her class that acted the same way. Interrupting my thoughts, Elizabeth continued,

“It’s good and well that you two are in sync but remember that our teamwork crumbles if you two are being awkward and refuse to look each other in the eyes. Cooperation is just as important in slaying zombies as it is in folk dance in PE class. Nothing will work to your favor if you are embarrassed. Don’t forget that our lives are on the line too.” “You’re… absolutely right.”

I nodded after listening to Elizabeth. She smiled back as if to say, Just as long as you understand. I have the feeling that she had messed with us only to snap us out of our emotions. She has my gratitude for that, but yet… having how bothered I had been pointed out made me feel a little sheepish.

“… I know perfectly how to get to the truck ending, so don’t worry about memorizing this.”

I punctuated my explanation with a sigh,

“But to give everyone the gist of it, our plan is to take a bit of a detour to slip past the traps ahead of us as we force our way to the enemies and bosses. After the detour, we’ll barrel down the missile-torn roads in our truck towards ‘You’… That’s the plan, at least. Should be a piece of cake.” “A piece of cake? There were exactly zero parts in your plan that sounded easy.”

Elizabeth squeezed her temples as if she had a terrible headache. Raising my head upwards, I looked into her eyes, reassuring her that we’ll be fine, and she smiled.

“Don’t worry. Let me take care of massacring the zombies. Sure, it may be a little rough ahead, but we’ve got so many toys in our arsenal, so let’s have some fun enjoying this game too. Let’s just step on the gas and see if we can’t power through it.” “I trust you, Sera.”

The man of few words picked up his crowbar.

“The path is as you marked out, right? There ain’t much time. Let’s get a move on.”

He wasn’t kidding about hurrying; he sped off, leaving Elizabeth and me to frantically catch up. Elizabeth saw the blush on my cheeks and empathetically patted my on the shoulder with a gentle smile.

“… You have fallen for Kiryū, haven’t you? Perhaps you are surprised at how sudden these feelings came?” “I-I’m telling you, I haven’t! Really!”

I desperately shook my head from side to side, but… unfortunately, I can’t seem to shake Kiryū off my mind. Still, she's mistaken. These aren’t romantic feelings… I don't think so, at least. It was easy to brush off her earlier comments as a joke, but the longer I contemplate about this, the more embarrassed I get. I hadn’t given much thought about the Kiryū in real life up until now. I mean, I understand there’s a person in there, but I was charmed by the handsome Kiryū Sōichirō. And because of that, I’d been treating him like an actual in-game NPC. I was even being smug and cavalier to him.

I don’t think I would act like that anymore. I don’t think I could. I can’t even look him properly in the eyes.

“Is that right? Well, in that case, I should best stop teasing you about it. My apologies for being insensitive. But what really happened between you two?” “Umm… He was doxed? I doxed him?” “What? How did something like that happen?” “I guess I could say… I knew someone who spoke like him?” “And you knew who he really is from just that?” “Yes? But ma-maybe not? Huh. How the heck did I figure who he is from just how he spoke? That’s weird. That’s really weird…” “… Who the hell cares?!”

Kiryū interjected, severing our conversation. It seemed like he didn’t know where he was going and had to backtrack to us for guidance.

“Let’s hurry up and finish the damn game! That’s all that we should be focusing on right now!”

He was unnaturally worked up and visibly flustered. I can understand why. I mean, his face was all over the internet… But what if he never gets over it? Poor guy. Men sure have it rough in their thirties.

And so, we set off for the truck ending in this amusing yet awkward mood surrounding us. … Or at least until we get into combat again, where Kiryū and I returned to our normal selves. Hurrah, zombie games. Praise be unto zombie games. All hail mighty zombie games.

“—Muahaha! See you bastards in hell!”

As we progressed on the canonical route, the windows on the fifth floor of a mixed-use building smashed open, freeing a bunch of NPC’s. The moment they hit the ground, they became emotionless weapons of war, attacking all the zombies around them, and throwing them into disarray. The NPC’s jump down one by one as I laugh manically, putting off Elizabeth.

“… You know, I had expected an expert on zombie games to be… cooler than this…” “You can’t beat them if you worry too much about looking cool, Liz.” “Have you considered whether I preferred to be called ‘Elizabeth’?” “But your name is just so long. Anyway, zombie survival games are complex, you know? Sometimes, you’ve gotta do crazy things to win.”

The new soldiers rushed the infected, handily defeating them. Since they’re a low-level mob, so I’m not worried about killing too many of them. They don’t give too much experience anyway. As soon as I said it out loud, though, Kiryū wielded his crowbar and went wild at the zombies.

“Ooh, impressive. You’re really swinging for the fences.”

Before I knew it, I was already awed by Kiryū. It wasn’t just me though. Elizabeth was equally impressed.

“Kiryū is quite well-versed too, I see… Zombie games are simpler than I had thought.” “Don’t get ahead of yourself, Liz. This happens all too often. They watch a god gamer play and think they can do it themselves too. But once they try it for themselves, they get their butts handed to them. Still, for someone claiming he’s never played this kind of game before… Kiryū really is seriously good.” “Mm.” “Ah, we’ll get bombed if we head straight here, so let’s climb over the rubble to our right.”

As I was trotting to the hurdle, I looked behind my shoulder to find Kiryū hacking away at the zombies as if he were possessed.

“—There it is! That’s the truck!”

After climbing the rubble hill, we reached a plaza where the deuce and a half was abandoned. There’s no mistaking the flat dark earth behemoth as anything but a military vehicle. As the name suggests, it was designed to haul 5,000 lb of cargo.

“Let’s ride this bad boy all the way to the end.” “… Don’t you need the key for it?”

Kiryū, late to the party, ran his fingers along the truck and wondered about how to start it. He was dripping with sweat, likely from his killing frenzy.

“Of course, we need the key. That’s why it’s in your pocket,” I say as I plucked it out of his pocket.

“… Oh, that key, the one we weren’t supposed to get until the second week. That means the truck ending shouldn’t be open until then, too.” “That’s right. This isn’t a canonical ending, but rather an Easter egg, much like the so-called UFO ending.”

I stepped onto the running board, heaved myself into the driver’s seat, and stuck the key into the ignition.

“Oh, my. An ending in which the protagonist gets abducted by aliens? How amusing. I wonder if I can find a video online once I return home.”

As she says that, sparks rained down from the sky, igniting the buildings in our vicinity.

“S-Sparks are falling down on us all of a sudden!” “This cutscene plays once the key is in the ignition. It’s proof that my plan is working, so don’t worry.” “A-Also, another copy of Nick just appeared, and he’s terribly hurt!” “And he’s so much more handsome. Yep, that’s the Nick from the cutscene.”

I jumped off the driver’s seat to inspect this New Nick. Covered with cuts and soot, New Nick scanned his surroundings and suddenly started shouting in English.

＊＊＊ＥＮＧＬＩＳＨ＊＊＊ “N-Nick began speaking in English!” “Don’t worry, Elizabeth. He’s shouting something like, ‘Like hell I’m going to stay in this shithole.’” ＊＊＊ＥＮＧＬＩＳＨ＊＊＊ “And a middle-aged man just appeared, screaming something in English too!” “Like I said, it’s all good. He’s an NPC that only appears in this cutscene. And this guy is yelling, ‘I feel you, man. Ain't like we’re gon’ find survivors no more, so let’s skedaddle on out of this nightmare of a town,’ or something to that effect.”

I explained to Elizabeth beside me, as she curiously and attentively watched the two white men speak.

“… Hey, Sera? Why do they speak so monotonously? It’s completely different than in Glee…” “Oh, did you watch Glee as well?” “Back when I was still in university, I thought it would help with my English. It didn’t take long before I was hooked.” “Wow, how diligent of you. Umm, well, this sort of thing happened a lot when Japanese video games got localized. Even though they hired proper voice talents, for some reason, they still read their lines off a script. The acting was just awful in Resident Evil and those speedy blue hedgehog games…”

Nick clapped his hands, interrupting our chit chat.

“Ah, that’s Nick saying, ‘Let’s hurry on out of here.’ Alright, Kiryū, Elizabeth. Let’s hop in too. Of course, New Nick and the random NPC are planning to leave town, so we’ll have jack the truck before that happens. That way, we’ll be able to reach ‘You’ and the ending area. After that, then we can escape…”

Before I could finish, the world fell into darkness, accompanied by an odd screeching noise.

■ ＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊　　ＥＮＧＬＩＳＨ　　＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

A reference to the cult classic Kowloon’s Gate, an adventure game from more than two decades ago. It’s not the author forgetting to fill in the English dialogue! In the original game, ＊＊＊ベトナム語＊＊＊(Vietnamese) would be displayed when a certain Vietnamese character speaks. (Yes, the voice acting was in perfect Vietnamese too.) It’s theorized that this was either simply a joke or that the developers didn’t have the resources to add a typeface with Vietnamese script support. How’s this for an obscure reference?

contents: /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /ch005/ /ch006/ /ch007/ /ch008/ /ch009/ /ch010/ /ch011/ /ch012/ /ch013/ /ch014/ /ch015/ /next/

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archivedwench · 5 years

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brienne DOES have a low self esteem . she’s very aware and she’s very conscious of her homely features and ungainly height . she is far from what a highborn lady should be . freakish is a word that is hurled at her by quite a lot of people -- and sometimes they say it as not an insult , but a general fact , a general is -- and freakish is a word she actually said about herself in her later chapters when she confessed to the elder brother in the quiet isle .

despite all that , brienne does value herself . she won’t ever leave herself undefended ; every dangerous situation she’s ever been in , her first instinct is to defend herself -- whether it be from the rainbow guards who accused her of slaying renly or the mummers when they were planning to r*pe her -- she’s very ready to fight them off and protect herself since no one will .

brienne doesn’t tolerate sitting through someone’s company and being mocked and taunted . in her younger years , it would’ve left her crying with tears but years spent under scorn and mockery taught her how to brush them off or play along with them , even -- words are wind after all . and brienne knows not everyone will tolerate someone like her ; likewise , she won’t bother to waste her time and energy on them unless she absolutely has to .

his sort will never love me , brienne thought , no matter what i do -- brienne iii , affc.

#* ᴠɪɪ. / cn : headcanon .#anyway on the second point ...... its why i believe cat defending and standing up for her + the bear pit is so significant #she's very much used to defending herself because no one ever sides with her and you have these two people #taking her side when they have no reason to . cat could've easily let her go back to tarth and jaime didn't need to go back for her but #they did anyway and thats so !! important !! to brie.nne !!!#and that quote is also so important to br.ienne bc she DOES have low self esteem but she DOES know her worth !!!!#f*wn shut UP abt br.ienne!!!

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sailorzakuro · 5 years

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Launch Show 2019

I may need to go rewatch it on iPlayer cos parents and Domino’s nachos and alcohol got in the way of me giving my full attention but launch show 2019 thoughts!! (dw this will be long so I’ll put a keep reading if you’re not interested lol).

Ngl loved the Kylie opening XD. I have an odd love for All The Lovers so I was very happy to see that come on XD. Nancy absolutely SLAYED in that whole opening dance spectacle as well, I really hope we get to see her more prominent in group dances.

Catherine and Johannes seems like a nice pair, maybe I’m having difficulty picturing it cos Johannes has never had a partner before but I wanna see what they’ll be like. His reaction was also adorable I fkn love Johannes XD.

Saffron and AJ even if I hadn’t spoiled it for myself SAW THAT COMING, maybe my least favourite pair for this year? Mollie remains my favourite partner AJ’s had (QUEEN) but idk Saffron didn’t seem that excited, I mean Anton put in more effort when he got put with Susannah Constantine XD. Thinking I’m not going to like them but we’ll see.

( @missemperor ) Michelle and Giovanni fit SO well together. I love Michelle’s energy and it matches Giovanni’s so well, I think they’ll be a great pair!

Alex and Neil, again can’t see them together since Neil’s never had a partner but I can already tell that they’re going to go SO far in the competition. Favourite to win paired with the pro everyone’s been wanting to get a partner? Not really feeling Alex’s vibe well (she wouldn’t stop talking during the suspense but I was like ffs shut up) so if this is gonna be another Stacey and Kevin incident hhhhhhhh.

Motsi is a QUEEEEEEEEN I love her dancing style and her energy as a judge is going to be soooooo great XD. I’ve had good words from people that she was amazing on Let’s Dance so I’m hoping I’ll love her!

James and Luba hhhh again can’t see it cos Luba hasn’t had a partner (both her and Neil excluding Christmas specials but like that barely counted eek) but I think they fit nicely together!

Karim and Amy it’s so odd seeing them together cos Amy’s only been partnered with older men so far XD. Also Amy seems slightly taller than him oops XD. But I’m excited to see them!! It seems like they’ll do really well and they seem so happy to be partnered XD.

Chris and Karen CHRIS RAMSEY THE KING WITH KAREN HAUER THE QUEEN MY FAVOURITES ALREADY was low key hoping for Oti even though I knew it wasn’t going to happen (this was before I spoiled it oops) but omg they look so amazing together they were like best friends that got put together for PE class XD. I am SOOOOO excited to see them!!

David and Nadiya not getting a strong energy from them but the heights work? XD. Idk with Nadiya it concerns me that her height is the only factor for who she gets partnered with but I’ll wait and see what they can do in the live shows XD.

Never usually care for the musical performances but omg seeing Gorka and Graziano made me so saaaaaaad T_T I do LOVE Neil and Johannes but omg I’m gonna miss those 2 so much especially Graziano he’s adorable T_T.

Emma and Anton I know Chris and Karen are my favourites but I’m rooting for these 2 SO MUCH Anton FINALLY has a decent partner!! And not just decent, seems like she’ll be actually GOOD. That’s a first! Anton’s reaction was iconic, amazing, hilarious, we stan a king, that’s it.

*Viscountess* Emma and Aljaz again I’m concerned Aljaz is only paired with people cos of his height but they seem to work well together XD. Not feeling V.Emma’s energy as well but I’m sure I’ll get to know her better as the weeks go on XD.

Anneka and Kevin oops Anneka’s taller than Kevin XD. But their reaction was so cute!! They also seemed like best friends getting left as the last 2 in PE class so the teacher has no choice but to put them together XD. I’m excited to see them!!

Speaking of Kevin the Paso Dooley returns... Stacey seemed to have the right Paso energy for once XD. Idk I think the choreography is a bit cheesy and gimmicky (idk maybe that’s how REAL Paso Dobles are but I ain’t ever seen a sassy hand) but they did it well XD.

Mike and Katya are they gonna be the funny pair for this year?? XD. Mike is adorable tho if he falls over during the live shows rip XD. But he seemed to have more grace on the heel click than Katya did oops XD. I do find it odd though that they partnered Katya with a short older larger little man while Neil gets a partner for the first time with a younger attractive footballer... coincidence?

Will and Janette are SO ADORABLE Janette always has a good energy with her partners (even though I think she’s annoying oops don’t come for me) and Will is the most precious person omg I love him XD. I can’t wait to see them!!

Dev and Dianne she’s gone from Rev to Dev XD. Sorry @myutoni I had to make a pun XD. Not feeling the energy atm (maybe cos I’m so used to seeing her with Joe after last year ended??) but Dev’s reaction was so cute XD.

Jamie and Oti seeing them get paired was so sad knowing he won’t be in the series T_T. He seemed so happy!! And so did Oti T_T. She seemed so supportive and caring in that end bit showing how he got injured, this is why we stan Oti Mabuse T_T. I’ll mention her and Kelvin though, personally I’m not happy they’re replacing him seems rude but like hopefully he’ll do well?? I can’t say how he and Oti would look together cos you know all we’ve got is a picture XD.

As I said need to rewatch it but LOVED that group dance!! I’ll go back over and take in all the details lol but it was great!

Aaaand that’s it! Well done if you made it through all that XD.

#strictly come dancing #yes i watch strictly #strictly come dancing 2019

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kittenfemme27 · 3 years

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The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires

I don’t know about you, reader, but it’s been actual years since I was able to properly sit down and finish a book. My last one was Lovecraft Country in 2018, and many, many years before that. Reading used to be a big passion of mine, I loved to get lost in the worlds. I loved the movie that played out in my head as I read, as if it was projecting itself into my mind more-so than i was actually reading the words themselves. For a kid who didn’t always grow up with the internet or video games available, Books from my local library were a great escape.

So, having found myself getting more and more into horror around 2019 in all forms of media I consumed, I was more than happy to bookmark a tweet from a horror artist I follow on Twitter who had a list of all the horror books he’d read that year. This would be my chance to get back into reading, finally!

Cue.. 2 years later, and I’ve finally started on that list. The top of that list, “The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires“, was something I found immediately intriguing from the title and cover alone. I’m now regretting that decision so much that I’m not sure I’ll bother with the rest of the list.

(CW: R*pe, Gore, Racism)

“The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires” is an awful book. The only compliment I feel I could accurately give it is that it’s not written incompetently enough, from a purely technical standpoint, as to be unreadable.

The story stars Patricia Campbell, a housewife in the 1980′s-1990′s that is more apology than character, and her rag-tag group of similarly middle-aged, middle-income southern white wine sipping housewives who do, and I cannot stress this enough, almost nothing but test each other’s and the readers patience for nigh on 310 out of 357 pages. They bicker, they fight, they treat Patricia as crazy when she repeatedly shows them evidence that children around them are dying, and most of all they refuse to do absolutely anything, leaning more into pure disbelief until the problem has literally violated one of them. The book club women don’t lead interesting lives, either. They’ve got husbands who are not in love with them, children who hate them, and friendships with each other that can be broken by what feels tantamount to bringing the wrong wine to a meeting. Throughout the story, Patricia is accosted by the resident Vampire-like creature, more akin to a human mosquito than any sort of real “Vampire”, that moves in after his aunt dies. A man named James Harris. He smoothly worms his way into everyone’s lives in the charismatic way a vampire does and convinces everyone that Patricia is more or less insane for ever suspecting him of being a vampire after she watches him feed on a child. This leads to her attempting suicide after being pushed into a corner by her doctor husband who seems to have been ripped straight from the 1950′s and thinks women should be Seen and not Heard. She gives up and more or less goes comatose as a character for roughly 3 years until finally she snaps to her senses after seeing a ghost of her dead mother in law who knew the Vampire when she was a small child, who leads her to one of the bodies he’s got stored in his attic, and convinces everyone else in her book club, who has routine abandoned her at this point, to help her kill James. They do, chopping his body to bits while it taunts them and then throwing the bits into a fire. Patricia divorces her husband at the end and somehow that makes her children lover her, happy-ever-after ending.

That’s the rough synopsis, but it doesn’t really do the grossness of this book any justice. That first child James kills, is a black 9 year old named Destiny who later kills herself as it’s revealed that the Vampire-like creature’s bites feel so good and so sexually pleasurable, that if you are deprived of them after becoming addicted you’re likely to just commit suicide. This is AFTER she’s taken away from her mother by child services because they assume the bite marks are syringe injection marks and that her mother must be a druggie. She’s not the first black child to die this way either. In-fact, by the time Patricia becomes wise to James’ ways, she’s the third. They’re all from a poor black neighborhood that is literally described as shady, dangerous, and being full of “Super Predators” called Six-Mile, which is the de-facto feeding ground of the Vampire for a good 75% of the book, as well as the home of the literally only surviving named black character, Ursula Greene, who herself is nothing more than a “wise old negro” trope along with being a maid to these rich white people who think of her as trash. This is probably the biggest overarching problem in the book. It tries, in the authors words, to explore the relationships between the white, rich women who brag about how their cul-de-sac is so safe and pure that nobody even locks their door, and the poor black characters from Six-Mile. The book thinks its clever, because Mrs. Green constantly points out that the white characters let the black children die callously so that their white children would live, to which they can only reply about how guilty that makes them feel and how they’re sorry. I’m not sure what the author hoped to accomplish by pointing out the institutional racism of the 90′s, but whatever he hoped to accomplish, it fail flat on its face in the most racist way it could.

I wish that was where gross things ended for this book, but its not. At one point, the Vampire-like creature rapes one of the book club members and she is more or less outright stated to be pregnant with a monster from that rape and it is also revealed that the rape gave her an “Auto-Immune Disease” that the characters husband immediately likens to AIDS and that is very quickly killing her. This information causes her to choose to have her body cremated so nothing can spring forth from her corpse when she dies. The implications this has are frankly appalling. The books decision on whether or not a woman who gets pregnant from rape is worthy of life is to resolutely and proudly say no and treat that as if its a feminist answer. That if you’re raped, it’s akin to something like AIDS and life simply isn’t worth living. it’s one of the grossest things I’ve read in a long time.

It’s not even the only shock value the book uses to make it’s events feel real and scary, others include Patricia’s son “Blue” being obsessed with Nazi’s, for genuinely seemingly no reason. He just brings them up to make you, and everyone in the story, uncomfortable. There are constant overwrought descriptions of gore or simply gross scenarios, such as an indepth description of Patricia’s ear-lobe being ripped off, or rats gnawing the flesh off on a old woman, or a cockroach crawling inside someones ear. There is also the repeated child murder or child suicide, which doesn’t really serve a purpose other than to shock the middle-aged mothers this book was meant for, with multiple sentences in which Patricia thinks about how much it would hurt if that were her children, inviting the reader to do the same with their own.

And we couldn’t forget that this book is just unrepentant in its horniness. It’s outright stated that being fed on is the most sexually pleasurable thing one can feel, which makes it all the more awkward when you consider that the Vampire’s first set of victims are children, later Patricia’s teenage daughter who she walks in on in the middle of being fed and who she has to stop from literally masturbating in that moment while attempting to punch the Vampire off of that same teenage daughter. But, of course, it doesn’t end there. It’s a book about almost entirely women written by a Cis Male Author, which means there are constant depiction of female bodies in the nude or in violence. It’s no “She boobed boobily”, thankfully, but it’s not much better than that. Describing pubic hair, breast shape, and even making it so that the Vampire-like creature drinks from a penis-esque proboscis that extends from it’s throat and right into the upper thigh of it’s victim, which is mentioned twice to be right next to the vagina. It even goes so far as to try and sexualize its own rape, aswell as having Patricia tell the rape victim how good it feels with this section between the two. Something I’m including here in its entirety because no amount of words I can write describes how gross this passage is, in context.

“Grace already... told me,” Slick said, opening her eyes, pulling her mask away from her face to speak. “I made her... give me all the details.”

“Me too,” Patricia said. “I was out from what he did to me.”

“How did... it feel?” Slick asked.

Patricia would never have said this to anyone but Slick. She leaned forward.

“It felt so good,” she breathed, the immediately remembered what he’d done to Slick and felt selfish and insensitive.

“Most sin does,” Slick said.

I think the thing that angers me the most about this book is that it’s tricked a lot of people who read it into thinking its a fun, feminist read. All of the main characters are overworked mothers who struggle with being that overworked, and then come out on top anyway because of their motherly intuition and love for their kids. It’s the kind of book that a single struggling mother would read and think “Yeah, I’d do that, that’d be me! I’d save the day!” and it makes them feel good about themselves, and about being a mother, and about how hard it is to make the kids lunches and clean the husbands dirty underwear and make sure the house is clean and dinner is on the table by 6 PM all while looking hashtag fabulous and like a girlboss. A quick trawl through any review site will show roughly the exact type of single mothers this book is written for giving it 5 stars and calling it hilarious and empowering. And y’know, I don’t have a problem inherently with prose written for that demographic. But this book gets away with a ton of racism, sexism, and outright disgusting content by hiding itself under that veneer and I think that’s just awful. It should be held to scrutiny for what it is, for how bad it is, and it clearly never was.

Don’t read this book. It sucks. It sucks so fucking much. I want my night I spent reading it back.

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