#so ive only played a couple more blood routes
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azusa is seventy years of sleep coded
#diabolik lovers#diabolik lovers rewrite#i have to make a confession#reading a translation alongside playing is too much work#so ive only played a couple more blood routes#and therefore the mukamis and tsukinamis are much further from canon#i am drowning. there is no sign of canon#hand in unlovable hand and all#ruki for example? dont like him. changed completely.#reiji and shu's relationship is more nuanced and complicated#kanato is a motherfucker still but yui's into it and commits some murders of her ow#ayato is electra heart
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Fly | Route Selected: N. Yuu
genre: mafia au
warnings: violence, guns, blood
word count: 3.2k
Fly Masterlist
“I..I choose him”
You made eye contact with the short man with a blond streak in his hair
“What?”
The distaste in his voice was evident
It was so silent in the police precinct that you could hear a pin drop
Daichi cleared his throat to try and cut the tension
“Ok well if thats your choice then thats that. Nishinoya, make sure they get home and get them to work tomorrow. Dismissed”
Nishinoya nodded his head
“Yes, sir.”
You were surprised that he had little objections about it
But you were soon pulled out of your thoughts when he roughly grabbed your wrist
“Stop daydreaming lets go”
He let go once the car he called came for you two
And as soon as the door closed and the car was moving he pinned his arm against your neck, almost choking you
“I dont know who you are or what youre doing here but i swear to fucking god if i think youre going to hurt anyone here then i will kill you. Nod if you get it”
You nodded your head as fast as you could and he backed off of you
You were too terrified to say anything after that you basically tried to make yourself as small as possible in your seat
After about ten more minutes the car finally arrived at your apartment
“I’ll..um..see you tomorrow nishinoya. Oh im y/n by the way!”
He just grunted and waited for you to shut the door
After he left you went to your room and just fell onto it while taking a deep sigh
Just what have you gotten yourself into?
Nishinoya was at your house at 8:00 AM sharp. He was leaning against the hood of it, checking his watch every two seconds waiting for you
You knew he was there but your nerves refused to let you go down there
Only when you two made eye contact from your window did you know that you had to go
“Sorry im late!”
He said nothing as he got into the car
The car ride was awkward to say the least
You could hear your own heartbeat, could he hear it too?
You were so caught up in your thoughts that didnt even realize the car had stopped
“Hey”
You snapped your head toward him
“Yes?”
He rolled his eyes
“We’re here so get out already”
You undid your seat belt and tried to keep up with him
Where were you exactly? You looked up at the building in front of you to see ‘Sawamura Inc.’ plastered on the front of it
Your eyes widened, you were working here now?
“Get your ass inside”
Noya brought you out of your thoughts once again and you hurried yourself in
You were then stopped by an intimidating looking man
“Hey im asahi and ill be training you today.”
Between nishinoya and him you didnt know who was more intimidating
Actually it was nishinoya, dont know why you even had to ask yourself that
But despite asahi being the one to train you, nishinoya never left your side
You could practically feel his eye burning holes into the back of your head the entire time
This continued on for weeks
Nishinoya always made sure you were within his eyesight
You were printing some charts out for suga and noya was leaning against the doorway
“Nishinoya, can i ask you something?”
You took his silence as approval
“Dont you have other work to do? Im sure that you probably have better things to do that just watch me run errands for everyone”
You were right, he did have other things to take care of
But you were his number one priority during the day
“I can just take care of my other things at night. I was ordered to watch you so i am. Besides you chose me so if you have a problem thats your own fault”
You shook your head
“I dont have a problem with you, dont misunderstand, i just hope that im not being too much of a hindrance to you? I just mean...i know you didnt ask for this so..im sorry if ive caused you any problems”
You took the stack of papers from the printer and turned towards him with a smile on your face
“But thank you for taking time out of your day to watch over me, whether you were ordered to or otherwise”
You walked out and he just stood there for a moment processing your words
He just scoffed
Why would you be thanking someone who threatened to kill you only a few weeks ago?
You were strange
He thought it was weird that you had absolutely no sense of danger
But hes noticed a ton of weird things you do over the days hes been watching you
How you scrunch your nose when you dont understand what youre doing
Or how you play with your fingers when youre nervous
All of these little actions were so annoyingly cute--
Wait no. not cute.
Definitely not. He had to focus. You could still be a threat to the mafia and he wasnt going to let anyone, no matter how cute they were, hurt his family
But watching you interact with the rest of the mafia made him feel as if he didnt have to be as hard around you anymore
He thought it was funny how you teased kageyama sometimes actually
And he almost wanted to join in on the fun
But he knew his place
Right now was one of the rare instances that nishinoya wasnt on you
So you turned your head to asahi who was sitting across from you doing his work while you had the chance before noya came back
“Hey asahi?”
He looked up at you
“Whats up y/n?”
You fiddled with your fingers
“Does nishinoya not like me? I mean i can understand since i take up a lot of his time but i feel like theres a wall between us that he wont lower no matter how much i try and talk to him”
Asahi just let out a deep sigh
“Thats not surprising. He...hes slow to trust. Out of any of us here, hes probably been with the sawamuras the longest. His loyalty is unparalleled”
You nodded along as you followed his words
“Then..i guess ill just have to earn his trust!”
That didnt happen for a couple more weeks though
It had happened when some grunts that worked in the office barged into the break room to get some coffee
They had shoved you out of the way to get to the counter
Luckily nishinoya caught you before you could fall
“God can you believe Daichi is pulling out of the shiratorizawa alliance? What a dumbass move”
“Yeah maybe hes going stupid in the head. Knew he wasnt cut out for this”
They both started laughing and you could feel noyas arms going stiff
“H...hey!”
You stood up from the ground before noya could jump in
Both of them turned their head towards you with scowls on their faces
“You got something to say?”
You kept your gaze firm
“Actually yeah, i do have something to say. Daichi is a good boss and he always does what he thinks is right for everybody. If he thinks that pulling out of the shiratorizawa alliance is whats best then i trust him on that and you should too! I mean, you two work for him! Dont you think you should show him a little respect?”
They just both busted out laughing
“Respect? For him? Hes nothing without his father. He never wanted anything to do with us anyways. Hes a weak bastard”
“Yeah well at least hes a better man than you two will ever be”
Maybe you provoked them too much
“You wanna say that again bitch?!”
You raised your hands to cover your face bracing yourself for the impact
But you opened your eyes when you heard their strangled voices cry out
“Dont touch them”
Nishinoya was in front of you, the man who was gonna hit you on his knees with his wrist in noyas hand
A sickening crack heard in the room
“Leave. I dont want to see either of your faces here ever again”
Both of them scrambled out of the room as fast as they could
You let out a shaky breath
“Thank you nishinoya”
He turned towards you with his hands in his pockets
“It was nothing. Just doing my job”
After that he wasnt as abrasive with you anymore
Talked to you more at work
Even joined in on teasing kageyama with you!
It made you smile every time he helped you with something as simple as bringing you a drink in the morning
Seeing you smile in the morning started to be something he would look forward to
He trusted you more now
And eventually it led to him knocking on your door at 3 AM on a friday night
You opened the door to your apartment still only slightly aware of what was happening
“Hello?”
You immediately perked up at the sight in front of you
Noya looked like he was about to collapse from the amount of bruises and cuts on him
“Can i come in?”
You quickly got him inside and sat him down on your couch
“Um stay here and undress ill go get my first aid kit
He just nodded his head as you ran off
Once you came back you poured some alcohol on a rag and went for the bigger slash on his side
But you stopped at what you saw
He had so many scars
You unconsciously brought your hand up to one of them and ran a finger over it to which he shuttered under your touch
“Y/N?”
You pulled your hand away and focused again
“Sorry, this might sting”
You saw his face grimace and his hand tighten around his shirt
“Did that hurt too much?”
He shook his head
“No its fine keep going”
Once you were done disinfecting and bandaging all of his wounds, you laid him down on a pillow so he could rest
“Oh! Let me go get you some water”
But once you came back he was already asleep
You set the water on the coffee table and grabbed a blanket from your room and laid it on top of him
You sat on the ground next to him just taking in what had just happened
He looked so different when he was asleep but still just as handsome
You slowly fell asleep with your head leaning against the edge of the couch cushion
Noyas eyes slowly opened due to the cracks of sunlight coming through the window
When he turned his face he was only a hair length away from yours
Which startled him so he shot up from the couch which made you bolt awake
“What is it? Whats happening??”
You looked around looking for the fire only to see that noya had woken up
“Oh good morning nishinoya. Sleep well?”
You stretched your arms out and yawned
“You can take a shower if you want. Ill go get you a towel”
He was about to object but you left too fast
He stood up and looked around your apartment and saw some photos on a shelf
He picked up the frame to see a young you, probably around five or six with two adults sitting beside you
Your parents
He suddenly realized how...ordinary your life must have been
“Nishinoya?”
He snapped his head towards you and put the photo down
“Cmon ill show you the shower”
You had a smile on your face that made his heart do something weird
He didnt understand it
After he got out you were sitting on the couch with your first aid kit
“Do you need help rewrapping your bandages?”
He nodded his head and made his way toward you to sit down
You started wrapping him up, trying to be careful not to irritate his wounds
He just stared at you
Normally someone would be curious in this type of situation
So why werent you saying anything?
“Are you not going to ask any questions?”
You just kept applying ointment
“No, unless you want to talk about it but i know it doesnt really concern me as im not..officially in the mafia with you guys. What happened is your business, i know you handle your jobs at night since youre busy dealing with me during the day”
He was kind of shocked at how understanding you were
His hand reached out on its own and pulled you into a hug before he knew what he was doing
You froze as soon as he pulled you in
Just what was happening?
You both slowly pulled away from each other, hints of reds and pinks covering both of your cheeks
“Im done wrapping you up so I’ll um go shower now. If youre hungry feel free to look in the kitchen for something to eat”
You rushed off with a hand covering your face
Noya sat there confused
What had gotten into him?
He put his shirt back on and left before you could come back out
He wasnt being himself and needed to leave
Monday came around and you hadnt seen or heard from noya since saturday morning
You were shocked to see that he was gone when you had come out of the shower
But at the same time you were relieved to see him gone after that awkward moment together
Noya had picked you up like usual though and he acted like nothing had happened
So you decided to just follow along and did your job as usual
It was kind of awkward between the two of you
The only thing breaking the silence between you two was nishinoyas phone notification going off
“I have a meeting with daichi. Ill be back later”
You nodded your head
“Ill be here”
He quickly left the room and you let out a sigh
Noya quickly made his way to daichis office, clutching the area above his heart
Why did it race around you now?
You didnt even do anything
You were just...there
“God what the hell is wrong with me?”
He ran a hand through his hair
You on the other hand finished all your tasks for the day
You looked at the time...only half past two
There was a bakery right around the block, maybe you could pick something up real quick for everyone
So you went on your way grabbing only your wallet since it was so close
As soon as you turned the corner though you felt something was wrong
You picked up the pace, hoping to get to the bakery before anything happened
But as soon as you picked up the pace so did your stalkers
You yelped when you felt someone yank on your arm, pulling you into an alley
“Someone help! Nishinoya!”
You tried to kick whoever was holding you
“Shut them up we need to get out of here”
A white cloth came over your mouth and you were quickly unconscious
Itd been hours since noya had last seen you and he could feel his stomach dropping
Where the hell were you?
Kageyama said he last saw you finishing up a report for suga and suga said he received that hours ago
Noyas foot wouldnt stop tapping the ground, he couldnt sit still and everyone around him was starting to notice how antsy he was
“Hey noya whats up?”
Asahi was just trying to get noya to calm down from whatever was bothering him
“I havent seen y/n since my meeting with daichi. For some reason my chest gets tight when i think that something bad mightve happened to them. When they smile my heart races and i cant stand the idea of anything bad happening to them”
Asahi just let out a deep sigh
“Nishinoya, have you ever considered that you might love them?”
He...loved you?
Suddenly everything made sense to him
How he caught himself smiling whenever he saw you teasing kageyama or how when he woke up that morning in your apartment he wanted nothing more than to wake up like that every morning
He loved you
A ringing sound echoed in the room and noya pulled out his phone
An unknown number
Unease settled in him as he answered the phone
“Hello?”
“This Nishinoya?”
His hand tightened around his phone
“Yeah. Whos this”
“Meet us at the warehouse on 6th near the port in thirty minutes and come alone. If you dont then itd be a shame if something happened to y/n”
Noya could hear your strangled whimpers before the phone call ended
His blood ran cold
“Asahi..someone took y/n”
His voice was low and feral, it sent chills down asahis back
“I'm going ahead. Bring backup ill send you the details”
Nishinoya grabbed his jacket and left the building
His feet hit the ground as soon as he got there, he couldnt care less about his own safety right now
The cold metal pushed against his hands as he opened the door to the warehouse
“Y/n?!”
He felt his heart stop once his eyes landed on you
Blood ran down your face, your beaten body limp on the floor
“Took you long enough. They werent as fun as we thought they were going to be. Glad you got here before we broke ‘em”
Noyas jaw tightened as he instantly recognized them
How dare they touch you
He had shown them mercy the day they almost hit you in the break room
But now he knew that was a mistake
“What do you want with me?”
They both had disgusting smiles on their faces
“You got us kicked out of the mafia, something that was important to the both of us. Of course we had to return the favor, though we’ll be taking them”
The man gripped your chin and noya saw your eyebrows twitch from the discomfort
“Dont touch them!”
Red flooded noyas vision
He hadnt felt this amount of rage and fear in a long time
But as soon as he moved one of them had a gun pointed at him while the other was on you
“Theres no way you can win this. Just sit and watch”
“Is that what you think?”
Noya turned around at the sound of daichis voice
Hed never been so relieved to have backup before
In their shock the karasuno mafia quickly got the upper hand against the two former members
And as soon as noya could he lifted you into his arms and wiped away the blood on your face with frantic movements
But you slowly grabbed one of his hands and intertwined your fingers with his
“Thank you for coming nishinoya”
His lips quivered as tears flowed down his face and onto yours
“Im so sorry y/n”
You shook your head
“Its not your fault noya. Please believe me when i tell you that”
He nodded his head and tried to stop his crying
“I love you so much y/n. You wont ever have to go through this ever again, i promise”
His brought your hand up to his lips and he kissed your knuckles
“I love you too, noya. Now cmon, lets get home im really tired”
He lifted you up and carried you out, not bothering to talk to anyone as he left and no one talking to him either
For the first time karasunos guardian had something else he wanted to protect
And he was going to love and treasure you for as long as he was alive
taglist: @the-ironic-me @multisun @my-mass-hysteria @sugawsites @youbloodylegendyoudidit @sinthxy @celamoon @tinymouth @fait-de-fleurs @tsukifanbase @69owo
#haikyuu!!#haikyuu imagines#haikyuu!! x reader#nishinoya x reader#nishinoya yuu x reader#nishinoya yu x reader#nishinoya yuu#haikyuu scenarios#haikyuu!! imagines#haikyuu!! scenarios#tw violence#tw blood#tw guns
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Spoilers Ahead for the first season of My Next Life As A Villianess <3
Oh where to begin. First of all, when the summary said it was a comedy of misunderstandings, I got scared. I have really bad second hand embarrassment and it’s a very fine line of Dense Misunderstandings For Comedy and A Cringefest of Pain For “Comedy” (even playing an anxiety spiral itself for laughs). But oh! How I was happily surprised! It really goes with the flow and doesn’t rely on ridicule or anything. There’s just Catarina, dense weird wonderful Catarina, and everyone in some fashion accepts her for her. So this is actually pleasant to watch!
Now, Catarina- what a delight. What makes her interesting is she takes Fortune Lover Catarina and humbles her. Takes selfish and mean and spins it 180. If she puts out mean into the world, it comes back at her in the end. She knows she has the potential for a ‘scary face’ and actively chooses not to use it. And her feelings on the matter are not just for survival, theyre genuine too. But what makes this fascinating is her lack of accounting for things *not* in the game. She doesn’t consider, by blazing a new path in the game -where Catarina is nice- that new ‘routes’ form. She focuses on Maria’s pov so much, she doesn’t see her own. She doesn’t see the good she’s put out, cuz she’s supposed to be the antagonist. She’s so focused on the doom flags, she doesn’t realize there *are* no doom flags. There’s nothing for the game to doom, no punishment for cruelty. What’s more, even by taking the place of ‘The Suitors’ in scenes with Maria, she doesn’t consider /any of them/ having feelings for her. (Geordo kisses her neck for crying out loud.) Why? Because Catarina Claes is not a romanceable character in Fortune Lover. There are a lot of paths, but she is not one of them. She has no successful romantic relationship, nor any. Which makes this whole anime downright Fascinating. By taking out the antagonist, there is no doom. By inserting a reborn earnest friendly kind tree-climbing high school girl in her place, there is no Fortune Lover. The fact that she is aware of Fortune Lover makes her almost omnipresent, and putting all her points into Survival and Durability and Craves Sweets and nothing else, makes her human. No high marks, denser than bricks, but damn if she ain’t the prettiest embodiment of a Nokia phone. She’d be an apocalypse survivor. “How did she survive a landslide in a volcano? Idk it’s Catarina.” Oh, and the last scene? The friendship ending? Yeah, she’s not wrong. It is a friendship ending.... for Maria. She ends up with none of the interests and stays good friends with them, no bad blood or nothing. Cuz again, Catarina isn’t a love interest. It just so happens that the entire company present in the area is so fucking in love with her that they say the Line Of Romance to her and, while they may bicker, they do not hold bad feelings for each other. If all of them could be married to Catarina and live in a big ol house together, they’d be so fuckin content. And best part? None of this is condemned. No “ya gotta pick one and only one”. They saw a harem and went ‘ya know? Let’s embrace this’ and now the characters r so chill with their plant growing, tree climbing gf. (I’m sure her mother wishes *something* good could rub off on Catarina lol) You hear that? That’s the sound of a Polyamorous nerd feeling validated. (It’s me, I feel validated by this Polyamorous romcom anime, this is my home now)
My thoughts on the rest of the cast aren’t going to be as long. The anime does a good job of going through each characters thoughts and arcs. And I adored Anne’s POV on things as well, how she is also moved to tears by Catarina’s good heart. Even her mother, who is harsh but only because she cares. (I would have loved to see the look on her mother’s face when she was in the coma, how she would have grieved, what she would have reflected on. Her father is a bit more transparent in emotions, but he would have been great to see too). I also would have loved to see Mary and Maria in the book of desire. I figure Maria would kinda be like Alan, but oh, what would Mary have done? (Guess I need fanfiction to answer that lol.) Keith’s role as a love interest for Catarina is the only least liked thing I have on here. And honestly it’s cuz they keep *calling* them brother and sister. I know they’re not actually siblings, mostly that’s left over from Fortune Lover, and “distant relative” can and is shorthand for a lot of things so like it’s even possible they aren’t related at all. And the characters don’t find it horrible that he loves her, and probably know he’s a Distant Relative so they’re like whatevs. So like, it’s not incest. It’s not even as potently close to incest as anime can get. But it’s the only thing that could be deemed a Flaw about this anime, so it stands out. I do wish the ending couple of eps could have been a little more Maria, and her having a bit more importance in general. Also her light magic having an effect a bit in the ‘fight’ with Sirius. Although I do want to think the green glow of hope was Maria, tho I’m pretty sure the assumption is Acchan.
Which btw can I say was an absolute treat? I suspected something was up with Sirius but I did not suspect that. I wonder what his base magic is, if it isn’t dark magic? I had thought he saved Sophia and Catarina and thus also had wind/light magic. But oh man, when he started lashing out on Catarina cuz he thought she was also faking kindness? That she was purposely saving people? That a part of his resentment of nobles was being projected? That somewhere he also caught Feelings and thus the mage doubled down on his control? That when Catarina looked at Sirius and touched his hand and face, her (Nerd™️) instincts kicked in and pieced everything together and also saw him in such pain and misery? That she holds herself to the antagonist title, that she’s there to ruin and thus can’t *save* anyone, (a bittersweet sentiment) so she’s not intimidated by the burst of dark magic and just honestly wants his friendship and sit with him through his pain? MY HEART! IT SCREAMS! (I love this sort of dynamic yes Ive loved Fruits Basket for years don’t look at me like that).
What else.... the little peppering in the fact that Oh Yeah She’s Dead hit like a truck. The little bit with her family, of her past life? Yeah, ouch. Got me crying. Don’t think to much into that rabbit hole, you’ll get sad. I fucking ADORE the twist of Sophia being Acchan, or at least part of her. Her being so scared of loosing her best friend (and love of her life) again? Yeah, tears man. Catarina accidentally mending the relationships between Geordo and Alan and Maria and her mother was great. Having Mary and Sophia dance with Catarina at her birthday party was a delightful touch, as was not having all the romance novels be m/f, and none of it was a joke or negatively placed- just *there*. I do enjoy the interests butting heads with each other over private time with Catarina. It was mostly Geordo and Keith (“they’re such good friends” girl if they had a tenth of lil Alan’s Fight Me energy you’d have to put them on leashes) but I loved the little bits of Geordo vs Mary and Sophia cheering on Nicol and I reeeeally hope to see more of that. To provoke subtle sass from Alan and Maria would be a great sight, and more of Raphael joining the ranks. I laugh at all the times they mutter “gotta protect her, she’s seduced another one” cuz like, girl ain’t doing shit but running into people that happen to be Moron-sexual, holding their hand and refusing to leave. And they KNOW that. And it’s great. edit: HOW COULD I FORGET HER MAGIC! God I want Catarina to get better at magic. More than just Earth Bumps pls
All in all? I love this anime. 9.5/10. Tis good stuff. And if ya read all my late night/oops it’s 4am ramblings, good on you! I feel bad tagging this cuz it’s long but I’m also on mobile so god knows what this actually looks like but I needed my thoughts down so hey, thanks
#long post#I’m gonna write SO much fanfiction#post binge anime thoughts#my next life as a villianess#my next life as a villianess all routes lead to doom#totally don’t know the Japanese title#spoilers#rambling
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Bill Buchalter interview
Bill Buchalter was a level designer for Sunstorm Interactive.
He’s worked on 3 official add-on of Build Engine games: Cryptic Passage for Blood, Suckin’ Grits On Route 66 for Redneck Rampage, Caribbean Life for Duke Nukem 3D.
Interview, November 2020:
Corentin: Can you introduce yourself?
Bill Buchalter: My name is Bill Buchalter. I’m an avid gamer of all kinds – video games, board games, and especially tabletop RPGs. I’m currently a freelance writer for AAW Games (Adventure A Week Games) writing mini adventures for Dungeons & Dragons 5E. I live outside Indianapolis, IN with my wife Jane, our three kids, and our dog Roxi. When I’m not gaming, I also enjoy music, playing guitar, hiking, and camping.
C: With Sunstorm Interactive, you're credited for level design on Cryptic Passage, Caribbean Life and Route 66. How did you start working with Sunstorm and what do you remember from that time?
BB: In the mid 90’s, maybe around 1995 or 96, I was very into playing Duke Nukem 3D. Like most PC gamers at the time, I had played Castle Wolfenstein and Doom, and Duke Nukem just blew me away. Back in those days, when we played online, we would use a 3rd party program called KALI. You dialed up on your modem, logged onto the internet, and then used KALI as a portal to chat with other gamers and find someone to play with. The KALI software would then allow you to network together over the internet and play PVP matches. It was crude, and the lag could be horrible, but we didn’t know any better at the time and we loved it!
I remember I was in a B. Dalton bookstore in the mall one day (another relic of the 90’s that is long gone!) when I found a book called the “Duke Nukem 3D Level Design Handbook”. I was intrigued, and as I flipped through the pages it talked about a program on the Duke Nukem CD called Build, which allowed you to create your own levels. I had no idea Build existed, let alone how to use it. I bought the book and spent the next couple weeks diving into learning how to use Build. I was hooked!
Making my own maps quickly became an obsession. I would share them with my friends on KALI and I quickly earned a reputation for making user maps. I remember there was a map building competition, but I don’t recall who sponsored it. A guy named Robert Travis won the competition. When I saw his maps, I was blown away! His designs were so much more advanced than mine. He was using tricks I had never thought of to get lighting effects and set moods. I had to reach out to him to pick his brain.
Robert responded and we began talking and quickly figured out that we both lived in Indianapolis. He was working for Sunstorm at the time and invited me to come to their office to discuss level design. I met him there one evening, and he showed me some of the stuff he was working on. We ended up playing Duke all night on Sunstorm’s network with some of the other guys in the office. I was in heaven!
Robert introduced me to Anthony Campiti, the lead producer on Sunstorm’s next project – Cryptic Passage, an add-on for a Build engine game called Blood. They invited me to design some levels for the game and I jumped at the chance. Robert assigned me to design an opera house level and immediately I got pictures in my head of the theater scenes from Interview with a Vampire. I went home and worked furiously on designing the level. I was still rough, but with Robert’s help I tweaked things here and there and slowly learned his techniques. In the end I was really pleased with the level I’d designed. Robert and Anthony were happy too and asked me to design a second map specifically for deathmatch.
The next project Sunstorm was working on was Suckin’ Grits on Route 66, an add-on for another Build engine game called Redneck Rampage. Robert again asked if I’d like to be a part of that team and assigned me to build a truck stop level. Using a lot of the things I’d learned on Cryptic Passage, and the campy feel of the Redneck Rampage game, I had a lot of fun designing that level.
The last project I worked on for Sunstorm was Duke Nukem Caribbean Vacation. By this time Duke’s popularity was beginning to wane, and Quake was taking over. Robert was already starting to experiment and learn how to use the Quake engine. I was a new dad at the time (my first daughter had just been born) so unfortunately, I didn’t have the spare time to devote to learning a new engine. I barely had the time to design my level for Duke Caribbean, but I did manage to finish the casino level for that project. I do recall that Robert ended up going through in the end and changing a lot of the aspects of my level to fit the theme they had in mind. I remember being a bit disappointed and not really feeling like the level was “mine” because of so many of the changes. It was the last project I worked on for Sunstorm.
I kept in touch with Robert and Anthony for a while after that. They were branching out, working on other projects, and even trying to develop their own FPS game that I don’t think ever really got off the ground. Sunstorm was having the most success with their Deer Hunter line of games that at the time were selling well in Wal-Mart. Sadly, I eventually just lost touch with those guys.
I’m sure this is WAY more information than you were wanting (I’m a writer… I can’t help but go off the deep end!) but you dusted off some fond, old memories for me, so I apologize for walking so far down memory lane!
C: I see that you're still making maps, different kind of maps! This makes me wonder if maybe you were involved with W!Zone (a pack of maps for Warcraft 2 released by Sunstorm). Can you tell us a bit about that if possible?
BB: I didn’t have any hand in the W!Zone project for Sunstorm, but I loved the Warcraft series. As was common for many video gamers like me, who had roots in fantasy games like D&D, I played a lot of Warcraft and eventually got sucked into the world of MMOs with Ultima Online, Everquest, and World of Warcraft! If only I had back the time I sunk into those games!
These days I’m exclusively writing and designing for Dungeons and Dragons. I started about ten years ago writing for D&D Organized Play in a campaign called Living Forgotten Realms. I co-authored two adventures for that with my good friend, Michael Pearman, and authored a third adventure on my own. As you know from tracking me down via AAW Games, I’ve now authored six adventures for them, five of which are already published and one that is still in the works but should be released soon.
When I do manage to find time for video games, Diablo III is my game of choice these days. I’m looking forward to Season 22 starting here shortly, and like many others, I’m really hoping for something great with Diablo IV. I’ve been a huge fan of the series since the beginning, and even wrote an entire campaign for D&D 5E that translated the story of Diablo III into Dungeons and Dragons for the players in my home game! Thanks again for the opportunity to share some of this history. It was fun putting it all down and reliving those days!
C: There are two signatures in the Truck Stop level for Route 66. Do you remember anything about that ? There also several levels with no known credit : Fun Park, House of ill Repute, Mystery Dino Cave, Bigfoot Convention.
The signature on the truck stop is Route 66 was a joke! I was the only designer on that one. I just signed it "Billy Joe Jim Bob Buchalter" as a joke for bad redneck name. I wasn't the kind of guy that had to sign my maps the EXACT same way every time. :)
Other than the truck stop, I don't recall designing any other maps for Route 66. I pretty sure none of those you listed below were mine, but I don't recall whose they were.
Finally, here are some final comments Bill made after reading through some forum posts:
Wow, I am really quite humbled that you guys looked so deeply into my work! The fact that you could recognize my build style is pretty cool - I didn't even know I had a style! LOL. The truth be told, the reason you probably had so much trouble telling my levels from Robert's is because he was a big influence on me. I learned a lot from him and incorporated a lot of that into the stuff I built.
Its funny how reading through that thread you linked brought back memories... I remember now that my biggest disappointment from Duke Caribbean was that my only level in the game ended up being a secret level - that some people wouldn't even find it or ever play it. I was actually pretty excited about that level. I was the one that suggested a casino because my folks had retired to Vegas, so I'd been in a lot of the casinos there and had some great ideas for the map. I'd forgotten all about the restaurant I worked into it, and the big fish tanks.
There seems to be some debate about Robert. From what I remember, he was a really good guy. Maybe a bit tough to work for, but only because he really strived for our designs to be the best they could be, and he demanded that of both himself and the other designers. As I said before, I learned early on to accept criticism and critique and not take it personally. It was just Robert doing his job. I'll be the first to admit that I designed better levels thanks to the stuff I learned from Robert.
Someone on the message board made a very astute comment, basically to the effect that "Bill had to have other work out there. Sunstorm wouldn't hire an unproven guy off the street." But truth be told, that's exactly what they did! I hadn't done a single thing before working there. But I think a few things played in my favor. First, I lived in Indy, just 15 minutes from their office, so it was easy for me to go in and work directly with Robert. Second, while I didn't have anything officially published, I did have a disk full of the maps I'd designed on my own, and Robert thought I showed promise. I would design at home a lot, then go into the office a couple times a week and sit with Robert while he critiqued my work and offered advice on how to improve it.
I'll be honest - I'm blown away at the number of people STILL playing these old maps we made so many years ago. I watched a couple YouTube videos of a guy playing and reviewing Duke Caribbean and Blood Cryptic Passage. His high praise of both Full House and the Opera House really made my day. It's nice to know that people enjoyed my work.
_____________________________
Thanks a lot to Bill Buchalter for taking the time to answer these questions!
Thanks also for sharing... “Big City” !
A Duke Nukem 3D map he created back in the day before joining with Sunstorm Interactive which was never released before!
Screenshot:
Map download:
https://msdn.duke4.net/bigcity.zip
______
External link:
Duke4 forum blog megathread:
https://forums.duke4.net/topic/11471-blog-interviews-of-build-engine-video-games-developers/page__pid__353013#entry353013
The forum posts Bill read, mentionned above, can be found here:
https://forums.duke4.net/topic/9418-duke-caribbean-multiplayer-levels/
#build#build-engine#blood#duke nukem#redneck-rampage#duke#nukem#duke nukem 3D#video games#route 66#caribbean life#cryptic passage
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whoever is filthy, let him be filthy still (4/6)
Read on AO3. - A chapter ahead over there.
Warnings: mentions of murder and childhood abuse
iv. Max
‘And Max. He’s your brother? You were found together?’
Michael nods but frowns. ‘We’re brothers in theory, I guess.’
‘In theory? Explain that.’ Dr. Sampson hands him a cup of coffee and settles back into her seat.
He shrugs. ‘He and Isobel were adopted together. I got thrown into the system. Once I returned to Roswell, we struggled - I struggled.’ He clears his throat and takes a sip of the coffee. ‘He can be a condescending dick. And as de facto leader, he pisses me off - a lot.’
‘Have you ever been close?’ Dr. Sampson has a voice that lures things from you - ugly truths that you never made a conscious decision to admit. To yourself or anyone else. Michael decides it’s her superpower.
‘Once. Back in high school. Before all the lies.’
She smiles warmly, trying to soothe the answers loose. ‘I know you two aren’t blood related, Michael. And that your relationship is often strained. But do you still think of him as your brother?’
‘Only sometimes.’
***
Michael doesn’t immediately go to Max. He drags his feet for a couple of weeks and is happy to continue doing so, but Isobel has other ideas. She begins orchestrating reasons for family meetings - their doppelganger problem, Liz and Max’s emotional crisis, her desire to cook some new recipe.
None of her plans work. Michael too stubborn and Max too oblivious. It’s not until Max unexpectedly climbs down into Michael’s bunker that avoidance is no longer possible. And he comes at the worst moment. Michael is already fuming - his newest calculations providing nothing but bad news. No matter how many simulations he runs. It’s frustrating, but not nearly as frustrating as when he’d run into Alex and Forrest that morning. At the Crashdown having breakfast, hands touching across the table. This time they had noticed him and he honestly wishes they hadn't.
‘Not in the mood, Maxwell.’ He doesn’t bother looking up from his worktable.
Max ignores him and slides a stool over, sitting far enough away that Michael can’t reach him. Already playing defense to Michael’s anger. ‘You’re never going to be in the mood for this, so sit down and listen.’
Michael laughs, bitter and sarcastic. ‘Fuck you, Max.’
‘I don’t want to be the leader of this anymore.’ He motions vaguely around the bunker.
That certainly grabs Michael’s attention. ‘Come to handover your letter of resignation?’ He sits down on his own stool and smirks at Max. ‘Because I accept. Long live Queen Isobel.’
‘Not Isobel, Michael. You.’ He’s looking at Michael through those big, brown puppy dog eyes - full of sincerity. Not a single hint of humor anywhere on his face.
Michael laughs anyway. ‘I don’t have time for this, Max. Go brood somewhere else.’
Max stays quiet but he doesn’t move. He watches Michael work for a long time. It frustrates Michael because it’s always been one of his favorite strategies. Wait him out until he crumbles - which Michael always does because Max can be a patient motherfucker once he digs his heels in and decides to be an asshole.
The air around them thickens and when Max clears his throat, Michael comes the tiniest bit unhinged.
‘Alright, fuck! Say what you came to say. I’ll listen.’ He only half means it, but Max seems satisfied enough.
‘Sheriff Valenti confessed something to me a few months back. Something I’ve kept from you and Isobel.’ He stares down at his hands and grimaces. ‘I didn’t know how to tell you or what any of it meant or even who I was anymore. And that was wrong. I’ve been wrong about a lot of things, Michael. Especially with you.’
Michael rolls his eyes at Max’s melodramatics. ‘Spare me the contrition, Max. Just spit it out already. I have work to do.’
‘It wasn’t you in the group home who was drawing all over the walls. It was me.’ Their eyes meet over the table and a heated silence falls around them. Michael blinks slowly, not comprehending what he’s just heard. ‘I was the deranged, damaged kid. And I think I’ve known that all along.’ He shakes his head and breaks eye contact, staring back down at his hands.
More silence. Several moments stretching long between them. Finally, Max sighs. ‘Say something.’ Emotion straining his voice. Eyes welling with tears.
Michael continues to glare at Max. Not believing he has the audacity to cry. He tries to stand but it’s like he’s glued in place. And instead of his normal white hot rage, a calm coolness washes over him. Pooling in the bottom of his belly. Michael knows that feeling is hate. Pure, icy hatred. He’s not unfamiliar with the feeling - Jesse Manes, Kyle Valenti, Flint Manes, Noah Bracken. Sometimes the list seems endless.
‘Explain it better, Max. Make it make sense.’ Every word pushed through teeth clenched so tight he’s worried they’ll break.
The tension surges between them, the temperature palpably rising in the windowless bunker. Michael’s not sure he’ll hear anything Max says - not with the ferocious pounding in his head. Blood pumping through his veins like icy sludge.
‘All my nightmares as a kid - the times Isobel literally had to mind-walk me so I’d calm down. My obsession with the symbol - the way I’d doodle it over and over again in every notebook I ever owned. And then the tattoo.’ His voice cracks, high-pitched and frantic. ‘Now, with all that devil talk? Michael, I couldn’t have survived what you survived. I’d have killed more than some random pervert in the desert.’
Michael stalks towards him, fists raised. ‘Is that supposed to make me feel better? I was kicked around - slapped, beaten, burned. And that’s all supposed to be okay because you were safe? From yourself?’ A strangled noise rises from Michael’s throat. ‘I was never loved, Max. Not ever. Not once. All so you could be protected and loved, held tight by the perfect fucking family?’
He takes several steps forward, fisting the collar of Max’s jacket. The urge to wrap his hands around his brother’s throat throbbing in his fingers.
Max grips Michael’s wrists softly. ‘And yet, you are the most loving of the three of us. Of anyone I’ve ever met. And no that’s not fair, but it’s the goddamn truth.’ He pounds his fist on the table and Michael flinches, dropping his hands away and stepping back. Watching as Max’s tears finally crawl down his cheeks. ‘You’ve always had the most control - ever since we were kids.’ He throws his hands up in submission. ‘You’re not the murderer, Michael. I am. It always had to be this way.’
A manic sort of laughter overwhelms Michael. He can barely believe what he’s just heard. And by someone meant to love him. He turns his back to Max and moves as far away as he can. The rage inside him festering into something almost sentient. He closes his eyes and counts backwards from twenty - inhaling and exhaling around every number. Like Dr. Sampson had suggested whenever his anger tries to get the best of him.
Michael can choose to take back control. To let it all go. Even if the other person doesn’t deserve such kindness.
And it works, mostly. Some of his tension drains away and the weight on his chest subsides enough for him to breathe again. He’s still angry - still furious. But it’s a low, simmering heat now - not the numbing white hatred that had consumed him earlier. His head is spinning with this sudden rewrite of his life and there’s only one person he wants to talk to right now. And that person is certainly not Max Evans.
Michael slowly turns around and shakes his head at Max. ‘I need time. Maybe a lot of time.’ He needs Alex. ‘I miss my brother. I’ve missed my brother for a long time now. But the truth is, Max? I don’t recognize you anymore.’
Max nods. ‘I get that. And for whatever it’s worth, I’m sorry.’ He starts to walk away but stops with one foot on the ladder. ‘I won’t tell Isobel yet. To keep her out of your hair for a while. However long it takes for you to process all this.’
‘I’ll tell her when I’m ready, Max. You don’t have to keep making all the decisions and putting in all the work. We can’t be a family until we’re all on equal footing.’ He moves towards Max. Not necessarily because he wants to - because he doesn’t. Not right now, anyway. But he knows that some future version of himself will want this. That Max needs this and Isobel. Maybe even Liz. So, he wraps his arms around Max, quick and tight. One sharp clap on the back. ‘Maybe take a trip to California.’ He pulls back. ‘I hear it’s nice this time of year.’
Michael returns to his calculations and Max leaves, already planning the best route to California in his head.
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Near-Death and other Travel Experiences Walking across Albania Part 3
Summary so far
I was in day two of walking the ancient Via Egnatia route across rural Albania. A country which had been a totally isolated totalitarian society since the 1940s and then a country largely controlled by Mafia-like organised crime since the 1990s. That morning I had great difficulty crossing a river which had resulted in a fall into a tree and an unknown knee injury. Further walking in the heat of the day had left me with probable signs of sunstroke. My body felt like it was emitting heat like a 3 bar fire and I was disorientated and intensely thirsty. Despite the risks from common blood-sucking parasites I had laid down in the shade, amongst a bed of ferns to try and cool myself and to rest and regain my strength. I cared about little else but seeking out coolness and shade but did eat a high sugar mint cake before allowing myself to sleep.
What happened next?
I am not the kind of person who would walk into the middle of a patch of tall ferns and lay down and cover myself in them. Rucksack still on my back and caked in mud from the earlier river bed crossing but the compulsion driven by the heat exhaustion and sunstroke was irresistible. I was showing signs of body chemistry imbalances including wild twitching of the muscles in my hands and thighs. I fell into sleep very quickly, and it did feel like that. The next thing I knew maybe a couple of hours had passed. I was about to roll to one side and continue sleeping when a little alarm sounded in me which said I had to move or I would be in trouble.
I pulled myself up by grabbing hold of the trunk of a tree and then took off all my clothes and threw them away. I had brought three simple changes of clothing which I had planned to rotate but the clothes I had on as well as being plastered with mud had been torn by the thorns by the river and stained with blood. I put fresh clothes on an felt a little better. I was also thinking better now. Weighing my options I decided to tack back and head for the quarry. Maybe there were people there but if not it would surely be connected to a road where I might get a ride.
Half a mile further on I walked past the remnants of an experimental farm (it said that in English). The fields were lined with irrigation hoses but the water had been turned off even at the standpipes I wasted energy there trying to find water. All mine was now gone.
It was a vast limestone quarry. To the left on the far rim of was a cluster of what may or may not have been simple houses or a hostel for workers (I guessed not). Otherwise, at first sight, the place appeared deserted. The light reflected off the rock was intense and so I had to walk with my hat pulled well down over my eyes. I looked at the ground and set about walking the dynamited road which ran around the interior of the quarry and up to a steep hillside overlooking this big hole. I am abnormally scared of heights so the walk up this stony road, just wide enough for a dumper truck was a real trial. I hugged the quarry side and kept my eyes strictly on the two-yards in front of me.
I walked on like this for an hour or so until II came to the rim of the quarry and the further climb up the hill which circled it a little like a helter-skelter. From that point, I could see a similar road in the valley below. I saw no vehicles on that road during the fifteen minutes or so I was looking. This was very disheartening. By this time limestone dust kicked up by my feet coated by clothing and skin and made my mouth feel like a sandbox. I had set off walking toward the rim and the hill because there were absolutely no signs of life in the quarry or in the huts at the far rim, but just at the point where I began walking the road that circled the hill a dumper truck filled with crushed limestone emerged from behind the huts on the far rim and descended into the quarry. I sat on a flat rock watching its progress and hoping against hope it would follow the road that came in my direction. There were options and it would have been just too much if the driver had parked up somewhere and transferred to a pushbike of something. He kept on making the right choices and coming toward me. moving no faster than ten miles an hour.
I made a decision to stand on the left side of the road near the drop as the road was so narrow standing at the right was too dangerous if he decided to drive past me without stopping. This was a very chunky truck, a not very sophisticated one built by the Chinese who in recent years had been importing their vehicles.
As the truck came toward me it showed no sign of stopping despite me waving my arms frantically. Getting close the driver signalled for me to get on the right side of the road so that I would be able to climb into the passenger side of the cab. It dawned on me that he was only able to get up the winding hill in low gear and if he stopped would have difficulty getting the momentum going again. My knee had been painful all the way up the climb out of the quarry. I was walking stiff-legged and did not know how I would be able to run alongside the truck and jump on. I did manage a kind of very painful trot but there was no step to launch myself into the cab. The driver saw this and took both hands off the wheel and hoisted me up. I was expecting all the time to go over the cliff edge as there was only a couple of yards of the road on the other side of the truck. I threw myself across the passenger seat with my feet still dangling out the door. You find strength when you have to and I somehow flipped around, drew my legs in and slammed the door shut. Then lay there panting for a minute or so whilst the driver laughed
It seems everyone in Albania has travelled illegally to Britain at some time and worked in the black economy. The driver was one of those and had a few words of English. He passed me an old plastic cola bottle full of murky looking water. I drank this down before really saying anything. I poured the last of the water into my hand and wiped my eyes which were caked in road dust. I had been incredibly lucky. My new friend pointed forward and said “Pub, pub”. I nodded and manically made the thumbs-up sign.
I was even luckier than I had thought. For maybe the next five miles we saw we saw not another human being or any kind of habitations. The buildings after that were no more than a shack. Maybe ten miles on we came to a proper village where our dirt road linked up to a proper tarmac one. My driver dropped me off opposite a shack a little bit bigger than the other ones with adverts for beer and football TV posted on the walls. I have no idea what would have happened if that truck had not come by. We saw no other vehicles in the drive from the quarry.
The building was not a pub it was a bar. I got a bit over-emotional with the driver and then staggered across the road. Some old men sat on wooden crates pointed me to the door. The barman had been watching me climb down from the truck. He had also worked illegally in London, He pointed at the sports channel on the TV. Man United was playing some other premiership team. I wanted food but there was none. Instead, I foolishly drank a great deal of the local beer which was called Korca. That was stupid but nice, and I got extremely drunk.
After about an hour, the barman left one of the old men in charge and drove me at very high speed along the tarmacked highway. Scaring the wits out of me even in my very drunk state. He dropped me at a flashy motel and refused to accept any money off me. The guy at the reception could see I was legless drunk but still checked me in. Up in the bedroom, I went straight for the wet room shower set up. I slipped and fell heavily on my back. I could not move for a few moments for the pain and all the while the shower was directed at my face. I laughed about the possibility of drowning in the shower after all I had been through that day. I was broadly okay though and the next day I got a fraudulently expensive taxi back to a place called Pequin and continued the walk. I cheated a great deal and eventually got as far as Elbasan which is the middle of Albania. I walked a little out of the other side of that town and then called it a day and came home as planned after two weeks. A lot more things happened but that’s for another time.
Over the next six months, I continued to have a lot of pain in my left knee cap. At first, I assumed it was just some exacerbation of my arthritis but I eventually went to the doctor and he arranged an X-Ray which showed signs of a recent fracture of the bony cap of the knee. I was admitted as a day patient and given an IV infusion of something which strengthened the bone there and assisted healing. All the women there having the same treatment were elderly and had osteoporosis. They thought it very funny that I was there with them.
I am still in touch with people in Albania. Two are friends on Facebook. A young woman who served me a spinach pie in a café where she worked and told me all about Albanian history and what it was like being a young person in Albania. She was studying to be a social worker. Recently she has married and had a first child. I get updates. A young man who wanted to be a doctor, and who has the entry qualifications and the support of an American government aid organisation is being blocked by corruption from getting his university place.
Tomorrow. Rat bites and poisoning in the Devils House in Belgrade
.Photos.
Korca beer
Odd and scary revolutionary art
Part of the abandoned and toxic Chinese steel plant at Elbasan.
The Roman road travelled by Julius Caesar and St Paul just outside Piquin. This man wanted me to meet his family
A Roman bridge where a river used to be
My Chinese dumper truck looked like this.
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very rough concepts for apophistuck
so today ive been questioning over what planets there would be for the whole story n stuff. bc its not just hanging around but a buncha other stuff. so. yea. each so far has like 2 level varieties- the “architecture” levels w/built stuff n the “natural” ones which are just like the ecosystem around it. but there will be more.
(i accidentally turned this into somewhat of a narrative as i kept writing, sorryy)
Gaia
The “Earth” setting of the story. It has a very biology-based, natural setting. There are cave levels, eventually the player is brought to other ones where they fight prokaryotic beasts as they evolve in little-oxygen, volcanic Proto-Earth. Godzilla is available in this setting as the level progresses into the city. There they meet an enormous human congregation, panicked, in one of the final levels, where monsters flood the scenery. In the end of the world they are chased by a beast that resembles some sort of...Miasmad Jr.
Stygius
Stygius is a planet- well, not really a planet, but sort of like an underworld setting of Gaia, full of mountains and ghostly opponents. Hokmuto is unlocked upon completing the first level. Lots of large spiderlike beasts trot around shack-like structures and many slightly bigger that Miasmad Jr in Gaia. In some levels, there are no opponents though the focus is more on some sort of visual storytelling, talking about the story of many game aspects, one of the visions being of Solomon and Red fighting, as well as some sort of funeral pyre being offered to a giant monster as some sort of sacrifice. Some revelations are made about certain characters and the boss is like a giant aquatic beast dwelling inside a lake, resembling a fish-squid mix. As it dies, its body dissolves in the water into a mass of garbled graphics that resemble somewhat intelligible game glyphs.
Audacium
The entire world has a rather industrial look and organic robotics aesthetic. where horned grey abstractions of monsters climb on top of walls and attempt to attack the player, who is made incredibly small and whose attacks deal much lesser damage than usual for the first half of the planet’s levels, which are some of the hardest of the game. Upon completing them, the opposite happens and the player’s usual size doubles, as well as its attack power and health- but so do the enemies (...so the game doesn’t really change that much from normal). The colors of the assorted forms of the enemies seem to be sequential, with groups of enemies ranging from red, to orange, all the way until purple and a slightly-pinker purple, where the level layout starts to resemble more of a river platform thing more than anything. The boss resembles a large pink human/fish/salamander thing with a large rainbow-y trident for a weapon. It towered over the player and often opens its mouth to reveal a large robotic cannon that shoots lasers at the player. Upon defeat, the monster drops a small, black pixelated mass that can be picked up.
Secular
A planet that has plain-looking natural features that are like the surface of a moon, with opponents that look like half-alien lich beasts. It also contains levels that take place in what seem like space colony formations with mostly inorganic enemies, like traps that can be found around, like rockets and explosives. Every once in a while scientist-like figures with elk heads can be seen using giant syringes to take life from the player, with every wave of them being completed by a giant monster that resembles an upside-down rotting elk head which “walks” with its antlers and spits out swarms of blowflies. The final boss resembles a strange, lanky white form (somewhat like Not-Gezora) with a large featureless head, and at death it has an animation of it melting down into diminutive, spider-like animals.
Baroque
A world that is marked by nearly full darkness. What makes the natural levels even remotely visible are the impaled poles in the background, which contain horned, humanoid skulls with bright yellow lights radiating from its jaw gaps and eye sockets, like a jack-o-lantern. Enemies often resemble wormlike beasts that stay underground until they sense they player, which is when they attack. Multiple-headed bats are also other enemies seen in the natural levels, with a miniboss being eventually fought that resembles a beastly cleric. The final blows aren’t the ones that defeat it, but rather a giant sword that swings and decapitates it.
The other variety of levels involve colorful and unusually cheery church-like structures depicting stained glass art of morbid events, strangely enough. The level includes enemies such as greyish flying cherubim/seraphim and quadrupedal caprine monsters wearing what look like nun robes. The boss of that level is a large dark grey monster with messy white and black face markings and long, distorted purple horns with multi colored splotches. At death, a cutscene plays, and text that says “ORDER HAS BEEN VIOLATED BY YOUR GALL. THE MARK IN YOUR DISOBEDIENT FLESH SHOWS A PREMONITION OF YOUR DOOM.” Upon viewing this, Kaiju!Janavo becomes available as a player character.
Hiraeth
A stage where everything feels old, nostalgic, like eons ago- or was it something perhaps closer, more recent? The levels seem to resemble a castle with eagles and lizards decorating it. Worn, yellow papers with interrogation marks on them mark the walls, with enemies looking like ghostly formations made from cobwebs and tattered bags of straw, and haunted knight armor filled with what looks like a slime monster. In the end of each level there would be a chest that revealed to be a crablike mimic. After defeating it, the player receives some HP. Another level features what resembles a swamp with towering mangrove trees. The enemies resemble skeletal sea snakes and dryad-esque opossums, as well as six-winged parrots. At the end of the level, the player finds a hooded figure kneeling in the shallow water. When they notice its presence, the hood is lifted and a nearly unrecognizable face is visible, covered in wounds and a sorrowful look in its features. The screen turns black as to display text, that says “GONE FOR SO LONG. THE LOST SPAWN OF ATLAS. REUNITE.”. Upon that, the figure starts to weep, and tears begin to drop from its sprite. As it cries, the water level rises and it incentives the player to continue walking, as to end the world.
Dysphoria
A level that has its entire atmosphere drawn to a colorless and sharp aesthetic. Unlike the other levels, that contain a horizontal line as its route for the player to walk towards. one of Dysphoria’s level types involves having them climb a diagonal, upwards-facing mountain. For flying characters, the rise is relatively faster although they are vulnerable to airborne attacks like a pendulum-like mace that appears from the top of the screen and swings for a couple of seconds.
Enemies come crawling downwards the mountain and tend to resemble frozen, incredibly thin and bony wolves, which tend to every once in a while self-sacrifice by detonating themselves and sending bone shrapnel to deal gradual damage to the player. Other enemies involve vultures which open their mouths to throw spinning daggers. Upon reaching the summit, the mountain begins to break apart as something like an earthquake strikes the soil, pushing the player into platforms. There they meet one of the bosses- a beast that resembles a large dragon covered in quills, whose attacks are based off spitting a black fluid that immobilizes the player for melee offense, and also beam attacks that resemble fiery raindrops. No cutscene follows the defeat.
Another level features a scenario that resembles a courtroom, with multiple uniform, faceless entities as the jury, two horned creatures that seem covered in drapes as the parties and a judge that looked more like a strange sharklike beast. After the “trial” ends by the shark slamming a femur on the table as a gavel, the entire setting is attacked by batlike creatures with human skulls, one of the draped parties being mauled by the monsters, and a dark pink puddle of blood pooling under its dying body. One of the skullbats proceeds to impale its body with a trident coming from its mouth as a final blow. The screen, again turns to black and text saying “A MEMORY REVIVED, TO NEVER BRING JOY AGAIN”.
Lugubre
The final level. It’s almost completely natural in terms of level scenery, resembling some sort of haunted, bone-filled forest with frozen puddles of water on the ground. The enemies resemble mostly half-reptile, half-mammalian beasts with snarling teeth and drops that caused the game interface to become nearly invisible from darkness for around 30 seconds, only the player sprite being outlined white. As the level progresses, humanoid skulls with spider legs appear and use green lasers as ranged attacks. Another level features cobra-like beasts with centipede legs inside a flooded cave, which has a viperfish-mudskipper hybrid covered with spines and open wounds. When defeated, it soaks the ground in a dark red fluid, which starts to consume the level’s walls while phasing through all of the spectrum until it reaches pink, when the entire screen has become covered. Eventually black fish skeletons begin to pile up at the bottom of the level, slowly rising, and eventually the player is stuck in a mound of bones, without having an end-level route. After they get consumed by bones, the level ends.
When they move to the final level, the scenario resembles a rocky wasteland covered in inorganic parts and surrounded by glowing cyan lakes. There are barely any hostile enemies though NPCs can be viewed interacting with each other, like fishes getting snatched up by crows and carrion being consumed by bears. Eventually, the layout begins to become more aquatic, and it’s the stage where hostile characters begin to appear, which resemble intermediate stages of cetacean evolution and amphibians. They tend to attack the player with pink “acid fluid”. The level, after it becomes simply a far-away platform-jumping scene with water in between, starts to include fish. Passive, pink fish are seen jumping out in schools, only to splash back underwater again. Suddenly, a lightning bolt is seen zapping the fish mid-air and causes them to float around, with a lonely one falling back into the water.
The player finally is left to swim only, having to fight large mollusk monsters that have the average health of a miniboss. A particular one, which seems to resemble a large, plate-covered squid with lobster pincers, manages to drain away a large portion of the player character’s health, and when they find themselves trapped, the dropped fish returns as a large whale, striking itself against them and having them attach themselves to its sprite, as if somehow riding it. The two float around the air for around 8 seconds, which then is followed by the whale splashing back into the water and spraying water onto the player from its blowhole, restoring the health of all its characters. However, when it returns underwater, it dissolves into sea foam- leaving the player alone yet again.
The sprite of Warlock appears, half-turned into a shark. A black screen with text says “FROM THE WALLS YOU’VE SMASHED. THIS IS THE ONE THAT WILL BREAK YOUR NAILS”. The duel between Warlock and the player is tricky, as he moves extremely fast and is able to sacrifice local NPCS for health, as well as draining it from the player. His attacks are somewhat like a combo, managing to inflict lots of damage multiple times in a short timespan. Ranged attacks involves him glowing bright green and making a radius of boiling water around his body that deals damage. Easily he could bring half of the player’s monsters to less than 5 life bars during the fight.
And when he is finally defeated- he does not swim away or dissolve, but instead has his mouth open and from within, is revealed a much larger and intimidating marine beast, skin covered in deep wounds, blotches of pink and blue littering its hide, with two jaws, four sharp claws, and a sharp extendable fin. A black screen with text says “I’VE MANAGED TO TEAR DOWN AT YOU QUITE WELL, JANAVO. I CAN SENSE YOUR WEAKENING MUSCLES, YOUR MIND SHUTTING DOWN. NOW SOON I WILL DISPLAY YOUR CARCASS TO MY REIGN, YOUR BLOOD WILL MIX WITH MAERAH’S FOR OUR ULTIMATE FEAST!”
The player is locked to only utilize Janavo as a character, whose attacks seem to deal not a lot of damage to the scarred beast, and his move which involves lowering his damage from an attack by using his hood is rendered useless. Its attacks involve spraying dark purple ink at the player, temporarily disabling their attacks, and slashing at them with its claws. This combination of moves makes for a challenging and nearly impossible battle, together with taunting comments and imagery. The beast, once Janavo is at one life bar, makes one last comment, saying “HOW WEAK AND LAUGHABLE OF YOU TO SUCCUMB LIKE THIS. JUST LIKE YOU WERE MANY YEARS AGO, FRAIL AND SENSITIVE. HOW ABOUT YOU FINALLY RETURN TO SUCH A FORM AGAIN, AND LET’S END YOUR PATHETIC, PETTY EXISTENCE!”
And so it proceeds to charge a bright red beam and shoot it at his sprite, which was twitching, becoming thinner and smaller, until Janavo resembled nothing but a dry, shriveled husk worm contorted into a curled up shape, surrounded by a blue “mist”. A laugh comes from the killer monster, which proceeds to grow large tentacles from its scars which start to consume the screen, but when it least notices, they are all pulled back and torn from its body in a gory fashion. Then it is shown that the whale had ripped them off itself and was consuming them. It faces the screen and everything fades to black as it dialogues with the player.
“Dear. The blood of Atlas still flows through me. This is not the true fate of you. Remember the dueling behemoths that once managed to climb their way out. The two, who now offer their own lives to reverse this nightmare.”
The screen returns to the death of Janavo and the husk is devoured by the whale. On his place, appears a strange, purple tauric creature which was labeled “Mialomon”. The scarred beast went at full speed to successfully devour and kill him, but 10 health bars were taken away as its body seemingly goes limp as if broken inside. Mialomon’s attacks are a heat beam and using his tail as a whip, which both seem to deal a moderate amount of damage yet he shows to have an extremely high level of defense, with every blow received draining around only a quarter of his life bar. With every hit he gives, the beast seems to be torn to shreds, with its scars becoming screaming mouths, and its movements becoming more frantic. When nothing but its heads, spine and ribs remain, Miamolon inserts its front legs on the top jaw and pushes them apart, splitting both heads in half, ending its existence and clouding itself in dark violet blood.
The whale appears again, and says “The pain has been vanquished, at last. Salvation has been reached. Now it can all sprout back again, fill itself with life and joy”. It opens its mouth, and from it, comes the revived sprite of Janavo, large and majestic again. The other characters are again accessible and soon the whale turns into some sort of mermaid. “I’ve missed you so much. The spawn of Atlas truly did save and reunite with its ophidian cavalier. I will never allow anyone to separate us again“. A pink sigil appears, and the game returns to the Godzilla: MoM home screen.
BONUS: Password Screen and More
The glyphs that can be seen at the death of Stygius’ boss can be used as an input. It will make so that the next time you (re)play the final level of Gaia featuring the human cluster, you will receive a cutscene that features Aloisio and his relations to both Earth and Stygius, and upon that, you will gain him as a playable character. Smaller in defense and size, he compensates it with high attack speed and strength.
By replaying the courtroom Dysphoria level, without setting in any code, by leaving the scene before watching the murder of the draped entity, the screen also turns to black. But the text instead says “A familiar yet so fresh scene you had to witness. Much like the manuscripts mention. Pain so sharp and tearful, like a talon slash to the eye. Not evaporating, not even when you try to close them. May warmth be in your heart, might by your side, and you will never shed blood tears again.” After that display, the player has a new playable character in the board- Sebastian.
By typing in “ENDOGENAS” as an input after finishing Lugubre, by replaying the game, Janavo’s sprite is shown to wear the carcass of the scarred beast as a lavish cloak.
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The Garden can Break the Greenhouse
I think this will be about 2 chapters all up, I have a few other stories I have been trying to work on and start but there are very few stories for Reade/Zapata, so I needed to write my own in the mini break.
Read below or at FF.net // AO3
Enjoy!
There had been multiple times throughout this mission that she had been unsure if she would succeed; the moment she had realised just how hard it would be to walk away from everyone, when she had watched the entire room around her fall to the ground, unsure if she was going to be next, confronting Reade in his apartment and more recently when she had been kidnapped and interrogated by fake CIA agents, all because Madeline got a little unsure of her, but this time felt different, because at least if she had not survived, she had won.
Slumping down against a crate, she closed her eyes for a moment in an attempt to make the dizziness disappear, her fingers sticky and wet from the blood seeping through her shirt and her ears pounding as she breathed through the pain. She had left Madeline in a room that she knew her team would find her, having had gone after the last of the older woman's helpers, knowing full well that it would take her away from the possible route out of the building that had been rigged to blow in a time frame that was too short for her to do much.
Opening her eyes, Tasha glanced towards the doorway she had come through, the pool of blood from the man she had shot a lot larger than when she had last looked and the realisation that she had been down longer than she had realised kicked in, her limited time was disappearing quicker than she could think.
Pressing as firmly as she could into the wound on her side, she ignored her body's complaints and forced herself up, she had come to far and given up too much to not at least try to get out. Her vision was blurring more with each step she took but she continued towards what she believed was the opposite direction of where the bomb had been placed; Madeline's last line of defence, if all else was lost the woman would get some solace in bringing everyone else down with her too.
Rounding a corner, she heard what sounded like footsteps coming closer to the room she was now in, unsure if it was her mind playing tricks or not, she paused to listen, her answer coming as the door opened and a gun pointed through. Raising her gun shakily towards the approaching figure, with a sudden hint of survival kicking in to cover the lack of strength, her brain barely registering the friendly face as they lowered their weapon and rushed towards her.
"Tasha?!" Reade breathed a sigh of relief, concern quickly taking over as he saw she was struggling to stand. Wrapping an arm around her, he took her weight as he led them back out the way he had come in, his other hand holding his gun tight ready to protect them.
Leaning against him, she actually felt safe for a moment, as she focused on keeping up the quick pace he was making them go, both knowing full well that they needed to be out of the building already. A hint of hope rose in the back of her mind, hope that she might actually get out of this mission alive, but it was quickly replaced by the fear that she might get them both killed.
The answer to her question came moments later as he pushed them through a door a few moments later and the bright sunlight hit her face. He continued his path towards an ambulance in the distance, as she glanced over to her former team, locking eyes with Madeline for a moment and nearly stumbling at the ice in her stare, breaking away she caught the mixture of questioning and disapproving looks from the team, even in her state she could tell Reade was ignoring the same looks, something that she tucked away and hoped she would remember later.
As they close enough to the ambulance that the paramedics saw her, she was quickly surrounded by people ready to help but Reade seemed focused on getting her to the vehicles stretcher before he let her go. The distinct sound of the building exploding ripping through the relief that had fallen over then the moment they had made it to the vehicle, Reade holding its back door in a manner to shield them from any debris from the building as they watched it crumble from the force.
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She barely remembered the ride to the hospital, waking a while later to the beeping, busy noise and sickly clean smell that could only be one place. Opening her eyes, she glanced around the white room, attempting to sit up without getting caught up in the cords connected to her body, her actions catching the eye of a nurse walking by, who smiled quickly at her before hurrying off, most likely to fetch someone to talk to her.
Her suspicions of the nurse were right when a man and woman in doctor's coats entered, followed by a blank Reade. She was surprised to see him there and it made her wonder if it was to take her into custody once given the all clear, he had made it clear that she was simply an asset and her only usefulness was catching Madeline, which she had done; she didn't have Keaton to get her out of a black site anymore, so CIA or FBI; it didn't make much of a difference to her.
"Miss Zapata, I am glad to see you are awake." The male doctor spoke, the way he seemed to be keeping his distance off her bed not lost on her and she had to wonder if they thought she was law enforcement or the enemy.
"Guess I lived." She stated nonchalantly, making eye contact with Reade for a moment before picking up the cup in front of her as an excuse to look away.
"Are you happy for us to update you with Agent Reade in the room? We can do this more privately if you prefer." The doctor spoke again softer than before, noticing the interaction between the two.
"It's fine." She stated, placing the cup back on the tray in front of her, as she wondered if the fact she wasn't handcuffed was a good sign.
"You had a small gunshot wound to the abdomen, not much more than a graze that we patched up, along with a couple other cuts and bruises that you'll need to keep an eye on, we stitched up the more serious ones. The bigger issue is that you were dehydrated and malnourished, which was making your wounds make you weaker than they should, but we have you on an IV full of much needed nutrients and your hydration levels are much better." He rattled off the basics of her injuries to her as she watched him hold himself back, clearly wanting to ask questions but knowing better than too.
"I would also like you to have a chat with our counsellor before you go." The female doctor spoke up, clearly going against a decision the two of them had decided upon before coming into her room.
"Why?" She asked a lack of anything to her tone that she then realised probably didn't help her situation.
"Well, your displaying clear symptoms of being held against your will and of being tortured, pretty seriously by what I've seen, so I would like you to at least have a quick chat with them first." The concern about her welfare evident on the doctor's voice, but Tasha couldn't help but feel it would dissipate if she knew the things she had done.
"When am I leaving, by the way you two talk it sounds as if I am being discharged pretty soon?" Tasha questioned, ignoring the statement and any questions it brought with it as she glanced at the small group at the end of her bed.
"We have a plane waiting to go back to New York." Reade spoke authoritively and his reason for being there dawned on her, he was only there to escort her to the ride home; or to a dark hole, she still wasn't sure which it would be.
"I would prefer if you stayed a little while longer, at least to keep an eye on your wounds." The other woman spoke, dropping her other issue for now. "But we cannot force you to stay."
"If you choose to leave, we will give you some medication for the pain and to try to stop infection, and some supplies to change the bandages if needed, but I would highly suggest going into a hospital as soon as your stateside." The male doctor explained further, the appearance of her having a choice nearly making her laugh, if only they knew the whole story.
"I'll be fine, changed a few bandages in my time." She stated, pretending to have made the decision all on her own, but they were right and the bruises on her wrists would really hurt if the handcuffs went back on.
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Stepping out of the room a little while later having changed into the now clean clothes that she had come in with, bar her shirt that they had cut open, but having been given one of the hospitals light green scrub shirts to wear instead, she definitely felt more refreshed than she had in the last few weeks.
"Ready?" Reade spoke coldly, as if he was here for a job and that was it; which she supposed he was.
Tasha nodded in response, handing the clipboard she was holding to a nurse at the nurses' station as they started their way to the elevator. The coldness between them hurting, but she pushed it down, knowing she had hurt him more and it had been her choice, so she didn't deserve anything but.
Their silence continued in the drive to the airport, only interrupted by a call coming through midway there, the silence returning as quickly as the call ended. As they approached the hanger, she wasn't sure if she should be worried or thankful that they had a private jet waiting for them, the unanswered question about her fate slowly eating away at her.
Following behind him quietly, at the very least she knew that was all she could do at the moment, choosing that it was safer to prepare for the worst than to hold on to the slither of hope. She took the stairs to the plane slowly, ignoring the way he waited at the top as to ensure she didn't try to run and hated that she couldn't read if he was impatient or concerned as she past him and made her way to a seat.
Curling in against herself, she sat in a seat next to a window silently, letting the other members of a team she was once a part of move around the plane, only stopping what they were doing as the plane moved towards the runway and then took off, soaring towards its destination and potentially towards her hell.
"How are you feeling?" Patterson asked as she sat opposite her, breaking her train of thought as the concern from her once close friend brought a tinge of hope.
"Been better." She responded with a weak smile, turning to face her and watching as Rich sat next to her, the two looking as if they were about to start an interrogation of their own kind.
"We got Madeline red handed, HCI Global won't come back from this." The blonde stated getting down to business.
"Good." At least it hadn't ended up all being for nothing, that was something she could hold on to where ever she ended up.
"Why?" Her old friend asked, her question drawing the other occupant to the conversation, as Reade made his way over, having no choice but to sit on the spare seat next to her.
"Why?" Tasha questioned the question, not sure which part of it the why referred to.
"Why did you agree to it?" Rich brought up the first question the group seemed to have for her.
"It's not like he had anyone else lining up to do it, I couldn't exactly turn it down." She tried to explain, but this group was FBI through and through, they had never understood why she had gone CIA and so she couldn't expect them to understand why she had been prepared to give up everything, including her job at the CIA for it.
"Was it because we weren't talking and you two were barely talking?" Patterson got right to the question that had been eating at her, wanting to understand her mindset.
"I won't lie," She started, her comment gaining a huff from the man next to her, "It helped me agree to it in the first place, but when it started, us all being friends again made walking away the hardest thing I have ever done."
"Yet you did it anyway. You left without a word and joined forces with our enemy." The blonde argued, the hurt that she had and was still feeling evident in her tone.
"Even to my standards, that's not right." Rich spoke up, trying to cut through with tension that was filling up the small plane quickly.
"You could have just told us." Reade near repeated the words he had told her when he had her in the FBI just over a week prior.
"I couldn't risk it." Tasha told him sadly, knowing how the words sounded the moment she said them.
"Risk what, we were your team." The were in his sentence cutting the deepest, she knew they weren't a team anymore, but it still hurt to be reminded.
"I had to go deep Reade, I couldn't have any outs, it was all or nothing." She tried explaining from a different angle, she knew they all had their own thoughts as to why she had done it the way that she had and that they were all still hurt by those reasons.
"All you needed to do was tell us enough that we would have known you weren't betraying us, we wouldn't have sold you out." He fired back, bringing trust back into it, because if there was anything that this team had survived on it was trust.
"If I told you and anything went wrong, if I failed I wouldn't have forgiven myself. I couldn't risk anything, and if I succeeded and you guys didn't forgive me that was a something I would have to live with." She told him softly, knowing he had every right to feel the way he did but she hadn't had the choice, after everything she had done, this mission had been the very least she could offer, no matter the cost.
"And if it went wrong, what, we would have just never known the truth?" Patterson asked, anger flaring up in her tone as she listened to the reasoning and knew that it had been a very real possibility.
"Keaton promised he would tell the team the truth if it went bad." The brunette responded, the sentence sinking in as the group realised that it was an outcome that she had not only understood but had had a plan for as well.
"Then why come to me that night." Reade broke the silence, all eyes flying to him the moment he spoke. Looking around the group she knew the other two had at least some understanding that they had crossed a line, but they hadn't quite known how far over the line they had gone and the other two was just as surprised as she was that he was bringing it up now.
"I know I shouldn't have, it was selfish, but like I told you, I thought I would never see you again." She stared him down like she had in the interrogation room, needing him to know that as much as she had lied and hurt him, that her feelings were real and that she hated hurting him.
"You also told me that you always loved me, but I guess just not enough to tell me the truth." He threw her words back at her, both of them ignoring the way Rich was watching them as he was watching a day time soap show.
"You and I both know I would have ruined us anyway." She sighed, a lone tear escaping as she droped his eye contact as and wishing he would drop the topic for a time more private, but also glad that he was somewhat prepared to talk to her and that he had clearly confided in Patterson, who was watching the two with a sad expression, having had conversations with both, she understood that they were both in pain.
"How is it you keep making that choice for me?" Reade used a previous conversation against her once more and like before, not really expecting her to answer that statement.
"How about we stop there before someone says something they can't take back?" Rich spoke up, starting to get a touch uncomfortable, confrontations; especially those in a confined space, were not at the top of his list for enjoyable situations.
"Oh, we have said way worse to each other." Tasha couldn't help but joke, her words dropping the group back into silence.
"Where's Jane and Weller, are they okay?" Tasha asked after a while, feeling comfortable enough in the group to start asking her own questions.
"Chasing up a lead for Jane." Rich responded without thinking, his answer drawing an inquisitive look from the brunette and a sharp glare from the man opposite him. "And I've said to much."
She knew better than to push her luck on the subject, clearly there was going to be things that she would miss and they all barely seemed to tolerate her, let alone trust her with information on the two main members of the team, but it still hurt. Watching Rich get up and head towards the planes far corner where his laptop lay waiting, Tasha realised that he was distancing himself before he said anything further.
"Wait." She spoke up as Reade moved to stand as well, her request gaining a glare, but he remained seated none the less, as she got the courage to ask the question haunting her the most. "What's going to happen to me?"
"I'm not handing you over to the CIA if that's what you're worried about." His words didn't answer her question fully, but they gave her a glimmer of hope, something that was quite dangerous to her right now.
"What then?" She pushed further, she mightn't have the right to push about anything else, but she knew this was the one topic that no one could blame her for wanting an answer to.
"Well they are going to want to debrief you and as Keaton is still unconscious and though Claudia backed you up to me, she might not be so forthcoming with them, but for the mean time you'll remain in FBI custody, might even set you up in a safe house if it comes down to it." He explained, trying to sound as if he was talking to any other informant but the three of them knew that he was bending his power as deputy director.
"Really?" Tasha asked, hope slipping into her tone for the first time in a long time and she couldn't stop the small smile crossing her features.
"Well the end result was beneficial to the FBI, least we can do is make sure you don't get thrown into some dark hole." He reasoned to everyone, including himself, as he looked down to give himself a chance to school his features.
"Thanks." She responded, relief pushing aside her pain for a moment as she suppressed the urge to hug him, knowing that that action would not be well received.
"We should probably go over some key points before they get a chance to brief you though, like for starters, were the doctors correct when they said that you had been tortured recently?" He switched back to a line of conversation that he was in control of.
"Yes." She answered too coolly, the only sign that the question even bothered her was the way that she pulled her legs a bit closer, even though the action would cause her pain.
"Who?" Patterson spoke up for the first time in a while, the news surprising and concerning her, she knew it hadn't been an easy mission, but this was something else.
"They grabbed me when I was supposed to meet Del Toro, pretended to be CIA or were CIA working for Madeline, but they tried to get me to admit that I was undercover, all I knew was that if I told either option the truth they would have killed me." Tasha started explaining calmly as if it was not her story she was telling.
"Guess you held out." Reade responded coldly but watching her closely non the less.
"Reade!" Rich's voice rang out from over his laptop screen, clearly requesting his presence with what he had been working on.
"We will pick this up later." Reade stated as he rose and walked away from them, Patterson following closely behind, only pausing at another seat to grab a blanket which she then passed it to Tasha.
Folding the blanket into a makeshift pillow, she placed it on the window, figuring she might as well attempt to sleep or at the very least pretend to, to allow her a quiet flight as she knew that they would all leave her alone if rest and right she had to process the last couple of days. She just wished that she could be 100% certain that they would be able to protect her from the CIA, Keaton had been the only one who would have been able to talk them down and even though her mission had succeed, she knew that the CIA would be unhappy with the way she had dragged their name through the mud.
#blindspot#tasha x reade#zapata x reade#tasha zapata#edgar reade#my fic#why do I always start new fics instead of finishing old ones#sorry
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Hey, pretty soon I'll be playing a friend of mine is gonna be DMing Tyranny Of Dragons for me and a couple of friends, and I can't decide whether I should play a Monk (probably Open Hand, maybe Kensei) or a Ranger (either Beastmaster or Horizon Walker), 'cause I've never played either of those classes, nor has anyone at the tables I've played. Can you tell me a little about your experiences with these classes?
The Ranger has been one of my favourite classes throughout the editions of D&D in terms of flavour, and I’ve had some fun with monks as well. In 5th edition, both took a fair bit of a hit in utility (individual and within group dynamics) and power at pretty much all ranges. The Ranger was propped back up a little bit in Unearthed Arcana in the revised ranger archetype, but both are still largely considered at best middle of the road classes, and at worst, the lowest tier of classes in the game in utility and character.
That’s not to say they can’t be fun and have a lot of flavour, and still find use. If you’ve watched Critical Role, you can see Vex and Beau weren’t useless by any stretch. No class is junk in 5e due to the improved parity compared to some past editions. So power and utility aside, if you feel drawn to any class/subclass, and you want to dive into its particular brand of flavour, then I say go for it. I would gauge the rest of the party’s makeup in making your decision, because group synergy is important, but you have to make yourself happy, too, right?
Anywho, I’ll break down my take on both.
When it comes to Monks, I like Open Hand the best. If you want to have a Monk-style gameplay with weapons, then Mystic or Fighter are probably better options with some more flair and utility involved than Kensei imo, but if that’s the route you want to take, it’d be alright. However, Open Hand has quivering palm, which is pretty incredible late game as far as damage and flexible timing from a single person through 3 ki pts and an action. If you do ever reach level 17, I would recommend multiclassing after that if you’re allowed, since the rest of the Monk’s class progression is kind of junk in comparison, and it could use some much needed utility from 3 levels of another class. Anywho, I like open hand not just for the flavor of being a class that’s capable of being an unarmed beast in battle, but also because of the way it can work in alignment with fighters who can also control the battlefield, like any fighter with a sentinel/polearm master. The ability to shove an enemy up to 15ft with one of your flurry attacks, launching them into the range of a fighter who gets a free opp attack against them and can from then on lock down their movement with a successful hit? That can be an excellent tag team. The Monk isn’t excellent for utility, but the Open Hand technique is probably the best at providing utility in combat among all the monk disciplines. Like, another option after hitting with flurry of blows is to steal all reactions for the opponent until the end of your next turn. This can be especially helpful against casters, as stealing reactions = preventing counterspells. And Monks can get a lot of attacks = lots of attempts to disrupt concentration of enemy casters, so the open hand monk is especially helpful at being a designated mage wrecker with having the mobility to reach casters and the ability to destabilize them. It’s arguably the one thing (aside from unarmed damage) that (this one kind of) monks do better than just about anyone else, arguably.
Now, to Rangers.
Honestly, I don’t like beast-focused Rangers. I think they’re a lot of work in order to get the mechanical payoff most other classes can achieve without a lot of thought or effort. Generally, any class that can let me focus more on flavour and RP is one I’m going to prefer, and beast master’s just…unwieldy. A lot of people say the class is junk, and if you run it without getting into the headspace for optimizing, it’s probably going to be more of a frustrating experience than you’d have hoped for. With BMs, you’re managing not just your character, but your companion, and you have to keep up with the different mechanics of both, you need to be 100% on top of choices made while leveling up, you need to have a strong understanding of battlefield control and your companion’s capabilities from the get go, and you really ought to be the kind of player who is happy to take a backseat to everyone else in and out of combat because the way you’ll shine is by helping everyone else do what they do with a little bit higher odds of success than otherwise. Personally, I like playing that sort of character, but I can do all of that with other classes a lot easier, and usually better, so this isn’t the kind of archetype I’d choose for a character myself. If you really want to, and think it’s cool, go for it, though.
The first thing I’d do is ask if you can use the UA revised ranger instead of the PHB ranger if you’re going the beast route (it’s “beast conclave” archetype in UA). If your DM allows that and insists you choose your companion from the list provided here, take the wolf (pack tactics is v helpful, same with 40ft speed and being able to send enemies prone after attacking) or ape (climb 30ft, melee/ranged ability, good stat baselines).
The second thing you’ll need is to lock down a quality companion, and that can take a bit of wheeling and dealing with your DM to let you use one of the supplementary books as a source, which is especially necessary if you’re not able to use the revised ranger class from UA. You do not want a hawk, mastiff, or panther, the PHB offers some shit examples out of the gate (panther and hawk are only conditionally good if you’re only ever going to have your companion rushing around the map using the ‘help’ action, or scouting to some extent, and the latter becomes less useful and reliable the higher level you become). Don’t choose a CR 0 companion, or one under ¼. If you absolutely must use a hawk for character flavor, then a blood hawk that at least has pack tactics would be a must. But if you are hoping for a companion that can do damage, look for something with certain damage if it hits, like added poison damage. Look for good AC if you want a tank. Look for versatility in mobility and senses. Look for special abilities (the boar having a relentless ability where it’ll go back to 1HP if it falls below 0; the wolf spider has web walk and web sense which can really help with casters using web if players don’t want to wade into the difficult terrain or are having difficulty finding enemies caught in the web; etc.)
But yeah, beast-focused rangers will be best when they’re spamming the help action with their beasts, using their beasts to get enemies out of cover, using their beasts to help control the field and give others advantage/take advantage, etc. You need to be quick mentally to know what you want to do with your character and your companion each time your turn comes around (most DMs, myself included, aren’t going to let you have as much time as you need to figure out what you want to do on both fronts, so if you can’t juggle two characters at once without losing a step, it might not be the archetype for you). This type of ranger requires you to know exactly what you want to be able to accomplish for yourself and your party right out of the gate, so you’ll want to gauge what your party members will be specializing in, what they want to be able to do, and see if there’s a way to shape your ranger to aid in that, particularly in choosing a beast that can be the most effective in ensuring that. Group cohesion is the name of the game with this form of ranger, so you’ll want to consider race selection a part of this process, too. I’ve had one player bomb hard as a BM and re-roll a different ranger, and I’ve had a friend who ran one who was the group’s unsung hero a lot of the time during their campaign. If you’re looking at Vex from CR as inspiration, keep in mind she had an excellent set of stats from lvl 9 onwards, and plenty of magical weapons to make up for much of any class shortcomings as characters scale up…look at how often Trinket was useful (very rarely) and understand that the bear was essentially just flavour for most of the campaign, and Vex would have been considerable underpowered compared to the rest of the party if not for some considerable DM intervention in ways that make things a lot trickier for DMs (adding magical weapons/items can easily unbalance a campaign, and it’s a matter of experience in knowing how to dole them out without throwing balance aside…Matt Mercer’s comfortable handing out flying carpets and multiple +2AC items and superpowered magical weapons by level 9, I wouldn’t give them out before level 14 or 15 and it would really only be if a player was severely struggling and refused to re-roll a more appropriate character while dying or nearly dying most combats). Other classes and archetypes have features and abilities that scale as you level, some earn specific spells as they level up that others can’t get, etc., but with beast conclave rangers, it’s their beast that slightly improves in a few meaningful ways. So if you’re going that route, you need to commit to a great beasts that’s a great fit for you and your party, and you need to commit to making the absolute most out of them and knowing how to make the most out of them.
Horizon Walker’s a simpler archetype that has some badass spells, but the flavour for the class can be a bit…strange in some adventures. It might not fit well with Tyranny of Dragons, I’m not sure how much planar travel’s involved in that adventure. Which might not be a problem for the DM, or you. I still prefer the UA ranger conclaves, but out of the PHB ones, this one’s probably the best of the bunch, even if it’s mostly going to lean towards being a melee build (which, again, check your party comp to see if that’s something that is workable).
Anywho, those are my late night D&D ramblings. You can take my words with a grain of salt if you’d like, and as always the rule of cool applies…if you think it’s cool and you really want to go with something, go for it and I hope the DM will find a way to help you make it work, but yeah, these classes can be a bit of an uphill battle, though I suppose potentially a rewarding challenge if that’s what you’re looking for.
Best of luck with the campaign, I’m sure you’ll have fun!
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Atrocity Exhibition
Snapshots of the life and death of Savage Opress, from seventeen different angles. Drabble collection.
1.7k | also on AO3
I.
The body lies empty in the plaza, half-naked and with twin charred holes in his chest that must’ve done him in and already spotted with purplish death-bruising, and yet, he looks oddly peaceful. She kneels in respect: there is no doubt in her mind that Savage died to protect her Mand’Alor. He tried to, just like the soldiers that Death Watch has already found in the throne room, and just like them, he fell victim to the silent menace none could defend against.
“I’m still alive, but you are dead,” Rook Kast whispers. “I remember you. We will find Maul.”
II.
Her baby is a boy. Kycina had prayed for a girl, not for the sake of his sire, waiting captive in her rooms and soon to be killed for the deficiency in his seed, in the way of her mother and all women before her; but for herself. The boy, Savage, she will give into the care of his tribe, and when he has grown and been taken she will close her ears and weep his death. A girl, she’d have seen grow up, would have delighted in her every move.
A girl, she would have cradled to her chest.
III.
An obstacle, that’s all he is, or—an opportunity. Maul loves him. That long-discarded wretched failure of a traitorous apprentice has thrown in his lot with another of his species, a dumb brute with even less promise than Maul ever had, and he loves him. This is delightful. Sidious makes sure that Maul is fully conscious again by the time he slaughters the animal. He allows them their little goodbyes. It would take long to find physical pain that Maul hasn’t yet suffered, and he is well-acquainted with emotional abuse, but this: this loss, it was worth flying out for.
IV.
Always a step behind Maul, never in front. A trusted lieutenant, because he’s not the leader, not by a long shot, not with the shorter man’s arrogance in play. A shield, instead. And: a loved one. Pre Viszla sees it, in the way Savage stops the knife aimed at Maul, and in the total lack of flinch. Never a doubt he’ll intervene, and it’s mutual, certainly, what with Maul’s easily exploitable concern after the rescue.
That’s why, despite certain security concerns, he gives the order to lock both brothers inside the same cell. This is Mandalore, and family is honored.
V.
The young nightbrother has grown strong, Brother Viscus notes with silent helpless pride. On the field, Savage is straining muscles and cocky grins and there’s nary a yelp when the lance of his training partner strikes true, and then he wrestles the other teenager down and helps him up again. The boy is the very picture of a son of their tribe, powerful and kind with children and someday, Viscus thinks with a rend in his hearts he cannot seem to rid himself of, someday he will make a fine mate for the Sister who wins him as Her prize.
VI.
This new acolyte was a mistake, Darth Tyranus decides. He’d visited the Nightsister tribe in the belief that one of their males had been powerful and cunning enough to murder his own former Padawan, and he’d gone there despite the pain and disgust he feels whenever he thinks of the now-dead Darth Maul’s deed. He found: utter disappointment. Ignorance. Imbecility. Abjection. This is the kind of creature that dared best Qui-Gon?
On the floor, Opress whines and curls and begs for his brother—for the murderous beast that once enticed Tyranus—and so he gifts him another lesson of pain.
VII.
The enemy rushes onto the battlefield, cutting off that brother’s arm in a bright spray of arterial blood and choking this brother with massive claws, and right then Spotlight knows he was wrong. He’s been wondering, see: maybe they’re not so different, him and the Separatist flesh grunts. They look scared, before he shoots them, and Spotlight himself certainly wouldn’t be fighting this war if he wasn’t made to do it. No-one gets anything out of war but the civvies. But the beast has this wild look, like he’s karking enjoying it, and Spotlight was wrong. This is the end.
VIII.
Traitor, the droids name the Sith beast, and they shoot it instead of taking aim at him or Obi-Wan. Frankly, that’s fine by Anakin. He’d like to get a good chop in himself—somewhere, he is still that nine-year-old kid huddled on Naboo who was told that Qui-Gon Jinn was never coming back, that he’d been slain by the Sith, a kid who wanted to beg Who’ll be my Master now and couldn’t—Anakin wouldn’t mind taking on Dooku’s animal, but there’s no reason to risk entering the droid’s blaster-hail. Opress roars out a shockwave and flees. Next time, then.
IX.
It’s terrifying, even with his big brother beside him, and Feral can’t imagine how much worse his first trial would be, alone. Although. He shivers: being killed by the pale Woman, or accidentally by one of the other unlucky sods beside them, that’s bad (and it would already have happened, if Savage hadn’t interceded), but compared to… to being taken (Savage puts himself between another blow and Feral’s body) compared to being taken by the Sister, death is fine, and so’s being struck lame; but Savage will never let Feral get hurt. How are they gonna get out of this?
X.
The Sith looms. Angry growls and quick strikes and then—he shouldn’t be this strong, Adi Gallia thinks frantically, shouldn’t be able to overpower her this easily when she is a General and a Jedi Master and a Member of the High Council to boot, and it gives her terror for the future. He shouldn’t, because the Jedi triumphed and routed the Sith once before and hunted them to extinction; but they have returned, and the force favors them. Opress smacks her against the ship and spears her when she falls, and there is no death. There is the force.
XI.
What a moron. Looks strong—looks like mounds of juicy juicy meat, more like—but with all those nice muscles there’s not much space left over for brain, it appears, because, after that shitty strangling, the offworlder’s actually following Morley meekly to his doom. If he didn’t look as delicious or was a little less of a humorless prick, and what kind of catchphrase is Where is my brother? anyway… if Morley wasn’t so hungry, then he might even find it in him to feel bad for the ugly meathead. As it is: maybe Master will leave Morley some entrails.
XII.
He’s gonna kill her. This dude is actually going to kriffing kill her, not in a pervert way but in broad daylight, in the middle of the restaurant, grabbing her and holding her up and strangling her and everyone’s screaming, and Mikjoo was just going to look at his weird glowing amulet, that’s all. She was gonna make conversation, with a man who looked slightly sad and very lost and like he’d potentially give decent tips.
It’s not murder, in the end; he throws her to the floor and runs off, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a total psycho.
XIII.
Her creature drags himself to the table, drags himself home, bruised, a failure and: still alive. It’s a testament to Talzin’s craft that the bespelled nightbrother was able to return, and the result of her own shortcomings that Dooku yet lives. No matter. When young Asajj returns, another path to her vengeance shall be found. As for Savage Opress… in the crystal, Talzin sees her Maul, once stolen by Sidious and finally located, and there’s none more suited to fetching the boy than this durable, obedient tool. She speaks comfort and helps him up. There is further use for him.
XIV.
Her mate—or he would have been, if this was a normal coupling—he washes himself in the sink of the sister’s house where Asajj is staying, for this step in the grand plan of her revenge against her former Master. Trembles wrack his glistening bruised body, and she ignores them, according to her wishes and—she is sure—also his own.
Shock laces through him when instead of a kiss, she presents him to Mother Talzin, that and naked relief; but when he stands after the ritual, what’s left is not a mate. Not a nightbrother. Only—an instrument.
XV.
The foolish apprentice looks up from underneath Maul’s clawed foot, all thoughts of brazen challenge forgotten. There is no pain, not yet. This should be cause for further correction, Maul remembers, should result in screams, writhing and terror, but—a face, a familiar sort of face if Maul remembered his own and more still now he doesn’t, leads him from out his trash cave and into the light. A low voice rings through the nightmare. A hand offers meat. Safety. The apprentice looks up. The brother loves, despite everything.
Maul extends his hand. He doesn’t care to interrogate the instinct.
XVI.
Two brothers and a smoldering pile of corpses, that’s what Obi-Wan finds on Raydonia. Violence, senseless and vile, evident in this carnage and in the shaping of its perpetrators, for he’s visited their village, knows of enslavement and degradation and forced breeding, and knows that none should ever arise from such filth as exists on Dathomir and feel any compassion. Both were doomed from the moment of their birth.
He ignites his lightsaber and faces them. Unlikely though it is, he prays: for victory, but more still, for the chance to extinguish this cycle of violence with both their lives.
XVII.
He wrings his hands around Feral’s neck, or he doesn’t: he is watching his fingers kill, is looking down at them, and they’re not even the right size. A plea, silent, disembodied: they don’t look like his fingers. It’s only the perspective that does it, making them out to be his own body; that, and the self-aimed revulsion. Stop. They don’t, of course. His hands don’t belong to him anymore.
Afterwards, he won’t remember the Mother’s intrusion. He will see nothing but his own flesh, by his own will, killing his own brother.
Afterwards, Savage will only see: a monster.
#savage opress#savage oppress#darth maul#(given that i included morley's 'wow he's following me how stupid hope his entrails taste nice!' to break up the grimness: yo this is angst#dimtraces makes things
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What I’ve learned: running during quarantine
Three lessons from running and using guided run coaching as a way to think about life in general
Photo by Jenny Hill on Unsplash
There’s a Chinese proverb that asks the question, When’s the best time to plant a tree? And there are two answers — the first one, Twenty years ago. The second one, If not 20 years ago, then today. Today’s the best time to plant a tree.
Thinking about that, I’ve run on and off my whole adult life — and over the past few years, I’ve fallen away from it. A couple of years ago, I won a coveted spot in the New York City Marathon lottery but I didn’t run the qualifying races or volunteer to help because my life felt too busy. My life was happening all around me, happening to me. I didn’t have time. I wanted to but… Always that pesky but. I didn’t make the space and that opportunity went unused.
Then, last year my family moved to San Francisco from NYC in late summer — which seemed like a good time as any to make other life changes. Weather permitting, I would ride a bike (some of the way) to work in SoMa, we took regular family walks, I even meditated here and there. And then, the novel coronavirus comes on the scene earlier this year. COVID-19 and quarantine ensue, causing everything to be thrown into a swirl, including work, school, habits, even the construct of time itself.
And so what to do in a time of great change and uncertainty? You guessed it, plant a tree. I planted a tree two months ago. I started running again. I mean, why not? And I began with the Nike+ Run Club app using the guided runs feature.
I promise this isn’t a commercial for Nike, I only own one pair of Nike shoes, but the guided runs really have been a lifesaver for me. Previously, when I would run, I would have company — friends, family, and people who might have signed up for the same race later in the year, my dog, some other kind of motivation — but nowadays, these things are near impossible. And so this is how coach Chris Bennett, NRC Global Head Coach, and others — including Sally McCrae, Cory Wharton-Malcolm, Shalane Flanagan — inhabited my headphones as I ran 50,000 meters (a bit over 31 miles) this month. And here’s the evidence:
Screenshots from my Strava (left) and Nike+ Run Club (right) apps — Strava’s a bit lower than NRC because some of the segments I initially logged as hikes so they don’t count as run distances
🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌 🎉🙌
So, let’s get into it. Let’s cross that proverbial starting line and get going. What are three things that I’ve learned from my time running that can apply more broadly to my life and my work?
Start slowly, or go slowly
We’re all in a hurry — we’ve all got to-do lists a mile long, someone’s waiting on something, there’s that email, has the kid eaten lunch?, that thing took longer than we thought and now we’re behind, has the dog been fed?, did you reply to that message from your uncle?— but we all have time. It is something that exists for all of us. Though it does have value, it doesn’t cost any money. And whether it feels like it or not, you are in control of the next 30 minutes, the next hour, all of it. You are in control. And whether you’re running on a trail or you’re staring down a deadline or about ready to begin a design sprint with a client team, you control the cadence. You don’t have to drink from a firehose. And in order to not drive yourself into the ground, you need to start slow. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement, heart-pounding, trip over the hype, the blood rushing in our ears, to say yes, and jump in.
On the flip side, it takes strength, resolve, and focus to start slow. Because it’s tough to sit in that tension, it’s hard to say no, to really consider the whole effort — especially when it’s in-flight, you don’t know exactly what that entails. How can you know how much fuel you’ll use if you don’t know everything about the journey of which you’re in the middle?
True, you can pick up the pace later, that’s always an option but warm up first. Prep as much as you can. Stretch. Shake it out. Keep your arms loose, keep your legs limber. Then, do the icebreaker before you plow straight in. Start smart. And start slow.
Recovery is important, be easy
Be easy on yourself, even in the middle of a run. That goes for after a run, between runs, before a run. The same goes for life. Life can be hard, it will get hectic, it is crazy at times so be easy on yourself. Being easy doesn’t mean lowering your standards, it doesn’t always mean running slow. But set those things for what you need. There’s a guided run on NRC called Tough Day, Easy Run, it’s been one of my favorites because it speaks to that.
During a speed run, you may run fast, but not too fast. Or try to be the fastest. If you’re running with someone, how are they doing? Are they able to answer simple questions, maintain a conversation? Are you trying to run faster than they are? Are they trying to run faster than you? Are you able to talk to them? How are you feeling? You should feel good. If you’re feeling something else, you’re not being easy. Running should feel good.
Coach Bennett talks about how an easy run should feel, how a recovery run should feel. He says something like:
And easy doesn’t mean slow; it means just that — easy. And easy, when it comes to running, easy doesn’t mean slow. And remember we talked about slow — starting slow doesn’t mean that that’s the pace for the whole route. Taking something easy isn’t a slow run. It’s an easy run. It’s your normal, everyday run. Because if it’s not an interval run, a long run, or a speed run, it’s an easy run. It’s a recovery run. Easy is not a pace or a distance; easy is a level of effort. So go easy.
I remember one of the NRC trainers pointed out — don’t recall who it was��� that runners typically have slower paces the third and last quarter of a run. And that’s not necessarily a good thing, it probably means that runner has exhausted themselves — it means I’ve been running too hard for the first half. That means I wasn’t running slow, really pacing myself, and I didn’t make it easy for myself. I’m making it harder than it needs to be. That’s me, making it hard.
How many times have we complicated something in our lives? If you’re anything like me, a lot. Whew, it’s easy to lose count. And many times, I make things in my life and my family’s life a lot harder. Why? Any number of reasons — pride, ego, stubbornness, some rigid idea that something has to be a very specific way, not accepting help, not asking for help, all sorts of reasons. If we’re easy about these things, even just a bit more, it won’t be so hard.
It’s okay to fail
The intention at the start of the run isn’t always how it plays out. Like how the best-laid plans for some Tuesday lunch or a family bingo game night or a client retro not turning out the way it was intended. What is the joke — do you want proof that god/God has a sense of humor? Make a plan.
You might start out on a run and think, I’m going to run 10K today and I’m going to crush it, but if you listen to your body and listen to what’s going on with you, that may not be the best way to run. Sure, you can dig deep and pull something out in the last quarter and thug it out but you should still start slow and be easy with yourself. Digging out that low gear, keep that in your back pocket. There’s always time for that.
In 2007, Arianna Huffington woke up in a pool of blood with a broken cheekbone and a cut over her eye. She had been at home on the phone and was checking emails when she passed out and fell. Huffington had been working 18-hour days building the Huffington Post website. She didn’t know what had happened and after weeks of medical tests, doctors came back with a simple answer: she was exhausted.
Arianna Huffington attending the premiere of The Union at the 2011 Tribeca Film Festival, photo by David Shankbone
Huffington took personal steps to stop this from happening again in her own life. And then, she became a champion for getting more sleep, urging others that instead of bragging about our sleep deficits to see how we can do more with more sleep. She did one of the most popular TED talks in 2010 on the subject— it’s been watched over 5 million times — and wrote Sleep Revolution in 2017.
I say all of that as an example of what it means to reset your expectations. Listen to yourself, listen to others, the thing that you had in mind might not be the best thing or the right thing to do just now.
There’s a ton more I could say. There are things I’ve missed, sure— running on narrow trails in this time of COVID-19 precautions puts a whole new spin on politeness, how, and when to yield (bikes, runners, walkers, horses, etc.), a lesson is there to be learned in kindness. For sure. Or staying focused on the path in front of you as a metaphor for remaining present. Because there’s always a crack in the sidewalk or an exposed root that’s visible after the fact. But I’ll stop here and appreciate the fledgling tree.
Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think.
You can find the Strava and the Nike+ Run Club app on the web, in the iOS store, and in the Android store. Maybe other platforms, though I couldn’t find any others. You can find Arianna Huffington’s book, Sleep Revolution, in any major book retailer, but I would suggest getting it from your favorite local bookstore.
What I’ve Learned: Running During Quarantine was originally published in It's Your Turn on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
by Skipper Chong Warson via It's Your Turn - Medium #itsyourturn #altMBA #SethGodin #quotes #inspiration #stories #change #transformation #writers #writing #self #shipping #personaldevelopment #growth #education #marketing #entrepreneurship #leadership #personaldev #wellness #medium #blogging #quoteoftheday #inspirationoftheday
#ItsYourTurn#It's Your Turn#IYT#altMBA#Seth Godin#Inspiration#Stories#Change#Transformation#Blog#Medi
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Three-letter code every hostie dreads
Many a hostie will tell you with a glint in their eye theyve seen it all in the skies.
Theres a great horror story from a New Years Eve flight on an unnamed airline. Twin Americans boarded with cannabis gummies in their system and promptly took turns to green out, becoming very paranoid and unwell. The flight attendant said as soon as one of them was manageable, the second brother lost his mind too.
From rogue body fluids to gruesome cargo items to privileged passengers these anonymous stories show why the coveted job of flight attendant isnt always the most glamorous.
So strap in and prepare for a bumpy ride as cabin crew take to the internet to share their war stories, courtesy of the New Zealand Herald.
SOME OF YALL ARE RATHER ENTITLED
Reddit user and hostie Zlinerlabs relates a story of sky-high entitlement.
Every so often we get the odd straggler who boards last who finds a vacant seat in first or business thinking that we wont know that they are from coach, they said.
Spoiler: This doesnt work.
media_cameraThere is so, so much more to the job than simply this. Picture: iStock
User Notweirdthrowaway had this to say. Not an attendant but was on a flight with really bad turbulence. It went on for about 10 minutes then the old lady next to me reaches up and presses her button. Attendant walks over to see if the woman is okay, the woman begins to yell at the attendant for the rough flight and that shes been flying her whole life and clearly the pilot has no idea what hes doing. The stewardess just walked away.
Another person on the social media platform had a blood-boiler to tell.
I remember flying into SFO (San Francisco airport) and going through the final walk-through asking everyone to wake up, buckle up, headrests forward, tray tables up and collect trash, they said.
Halfway through, the pilot said, Flight attendants, be seated immediately which indicates a lot of upcoming turbulence. So I quickly started to trot through with my trash bag to my jump seat when a man yelled HEY! I was a few rows past him and he had his cup and wet napkin in his hand. I quickly said, I have to sit down and turned back towards the back galley.
I then felt something hit me. I looked back and he had thrown his trash at me and was staring at me like the little (expletive) he was. I heard a few people gasp and everyone in the last eight rows or so was tuned in to the drama.
media_cameraFlight attendants put up with a lot of bad behaviour.
DONT TRY TO SWAP YOUR WAY INTO AN UPGRADE
User ConstableBlimeyChips is an attendant and this is their pet peeve.
A type of behaviour Ive unfortunately seen too much of: Couple will book separate seats, the man in a premium economy seat with extra leg room, the woman in a normal economy seat, they explained.
The woman will then play the sad sack and ask another passenger to give up their comfy seat so they can sit together. If the other passenger refuses (usually because they paid extra and literally dont fit in a regular seat), some will even complain to the crew. And all this to save a few bucks on the second premium seat.
Doc_Choc added: I never understand the logic of this and how it works on anyone. Ive been the random person in a premium seat a few times, and when asked I decline and tell them theyd probably have more luck if the person in the premium seat traded theirs away. They always act like they hadnt thought of that and then move on to someone they hope is an easier mark. I cant imagine how Id react if someone tried to get the staff to move me.
User I_got_em_coach reckons you might just have to play dead.
Sir were are going to need you to move. Passenger, clearly reading a book, immediately goes completely limp in seat.
media_cameraWed keep those bare feet off the floor too, kid.
IF YOU KNEW, YOUD LEAVE YOUR SHOES ON
Please do not ever walk into a toilet with bare feet. I promise you, 9 times out of 10, that is not water on the floor, writes Reddit user HausofDarling.
The toilets are often absolutely disgusting and get deep cleaned only at the end of a route For us this could be from one side of the world to the other imagine how lovely they are at the end of a 12 hour flight with 200 people using them.
Seeyou_never adds: So many incidents occur on the plane that everyday passengers dont see or consider.
My last flight an elderly man accidentally sh*t on the floor, stepped in it, and walked on like it was nothing. Pee and poop happens, all over. I feel like I witness an accident regularly; in their seat or in the lav. People get nose bleeds or their wounds open.
Obviously, when we land, it is thoroughly cleaned. But in-flight our resources are limited. DONT CHANGE YOUR BABYS DIAPER ON THE TRAY TABLE. This also happens all the time. Its unsanitary and people use the tray table to eat!
DEAD ON DEPARTURE
As the crew members continued to list the horrors unknown to plane passengers, things took a dark turn.
There is more often than not a lot of horrific things in the cargo, HausofDarling wrote.
As flying is the quickest way to transport cargo, passengers may be unwittingly sharing their flight with some unusual items.
Usually, the only people who know are the flight deck (pilots) and the manager/senior crew member. Dead bodies, organs, blood are obvious ones, but we also carry everything right up to Formula One car parts, exotic animals, marble tables, oversized televisions everything.
HUM is the code for human remains and the cargo most aircrew dread, said user Rosiulia who worked in the booking department of a long-haul airline.
media_cameraDont think it doesnt happen.
While there is need for speed when transporting these shipments, the same urgency is not always met when the cargo arrives on the ground.
When we have these kind of shipments we need to contact the family to make them aware when the plane lands and when to come to pick up the body, explained Rosiulia.
And guess what. The body arrived in Shanghai in time, and no one picked it up for days.
Legion3382 has the grimmest of news. Im not a flight attendant but I work the ramp, they said.
We do send full bodies on planes a lot. Some in caskets some not. Twice in the seven years Ive been doing this has fluid leaked out of the boxes the bodies are in and got all over the luggage.
HORRIBLE LITTLE GOBLINS (YES, US)
Sadly for hosties, it their living passengers give them the most grief. The items left behind are perhaps the most unpleasant things kept secret from passengers.
People are generally disgusting on planes, acknowledged ex-attendant Boopboopster.
People frequently do disgusting things on their tray tables (Ive seen people change diapers, clip toenails and wipe boogers to name a few). However, these discoveries pale in comparison to human faeces under a seat.
Nodealreddit chipped in, having dated a flight attendant. One common story was about the Delta miracles. Passengers in wheelchairs would board the plane before everyone else, but they had to wait for everyone else to disembark before they could get rolled out. It is apparently common for people to be healed during mid-flight and no longer need assistance when they reach their destination.
media_cameraIts a tough job. Picture: iStock
THANK GOODNESS FOR AUTOPILOT?
Giftofnarwhals had this genuinely terrifying tale. I used to work with elderly people, and one of my clients was a former pilot that finally quit when he realised in the middle of a flight his dementia had progressed, and he couldnt remember where he was supposed to be flying to. Meaning he had been flying for a commercial airline with dementia for quite some time before that.
A FINAL NOTE
Lets hand the final word to Seeyou_never.
It is NOT the responsibility of a flight attendant to lift your bag, they said.
There are multiple injuries caused from flight attendants lifting heavy bags to be friendly, and then theyre out of the job for months to a year (on average). If you pack it, you lift it. If its too heavy for you, its too heavy for us.
On your next flight, spare a thought for your crew and try to chill out on your next adventure. And cross your fingers for a mentally sound pilot and no corpse juice. What are the odds, right?
This article originally appeared on the New Zealand Herald and was reproduced with permission
Originally published as Three-letter code every hostie dreads
https://www.adelaidenow.com.au/travel/travel-advice/flight-attendants-spill-secrets-including-the-sinister-meaning-of-the-code-hum/news-story/90af5f08c90674a44b7cf505c6cca2a4?from=htc_rss
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Blu-ray Review: The Phantasm Collection
It was long thought impossible for a box set of the Phantasm films to be released in the US due to the rights being controlled by different entities, but Well Go USA has made it happen. Going above and beyond beautiful high-definition transfers of all five films, the six-disc set also contains an exhaustive amount of special features, both new and archival, plus a book and a poster.
Phantasm's most memorable elements - a sinister undertaker who sometimes takes the form of a beautiful woman, flying metallic spheres that suck the blood out of victims’ heads, cloaked dwarfs seemingly plucked out of Star Wars, yellow blood that resembles cheese sauce - sound more like scenes from a nightmare than a movie. In many ways, that’s exactly what the 1979 film is: a hypnagogic fever dream put on screen.
Not only was it a remarkable achievement for an independent film upon its initial release, but Phantasm has also aged surprisingly well after nearly 40 years. Written and directed by Don Coscarelli (The Beastmaster, Bubba Ho-Tep), the surreal plot centers around a boy, Mike Pearson (A. Michael Baldwin), his older brother-turned-guardian, Jody (Bill Thornbury), and their friendly neighborhood ice cream man, Reggie (Reggie Bannister), as they investigate a mysterious mortician known as The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm).
It’s rare to see a scary scene set in the bright sunlight, but that famous slow motion shot of The Tall Man walking through the ice cream truck's fog is positively chilling. Paul Pepperman’s practical effects are realistic enough to induce cringing, from the gory demise of the sphere’s first victim to the lifelike severed fingers. Fred Myrow and Malcolm Seagrave’s oft-repeated theme music never loses its power. The amateur acting is a tad hammy in spots, but the movie also features some truly great character moments, none better than Jody and Reggie jamming on their guitars together.
Phantasm has received a flawless 4K restoration and 5.1 surround sound mix from the original elements by Bad Robot, under the supervision of Coscarelli and noted fan J.J. Abrams (Star Wars: The Force Awakens). The movie has always had a unique, grainy texture that added to the dreamlike quality. Thankfully, the high-definition remaster retains the organic look while bringing new clarity and vividness to the picture.
Well Go updates last year's Phantasm Blu-ray with a new audio commentary by Coscarelli, co-producer Paul Pepperman, and visual consultant Roberto Quezada. Other special features include a commentary by Coscarelli, Baldwin, Thornbury, and Scrimm; a segment from the show Graveyard Carz in which Coscarelli and Baldwin inspect a tribute to the Phantasm ‘Cuda; a vintage TV interview with Coscarelli and Scrimm; deleted scenes; a plethora of behind-the-scenes home movies (some featuring commentary by Coscarelli and Bannister); interview outtakes; footage of Scrimm from a panel at a 1989 Fangoria convention; a Fangoria commercial starring Scrimm from 1988; a still gallery; TV and radio spots; and two trailers.
1988's Phantasm II begins the franchise's tradition of sequels picking up immediately where the previous installment left off. In this case, Coscarelli shows us what Reggie is up to downstairs while Mike is attacked by the Tall Man upstairs. It then cuts to six years later, when Mike (now played by James Le Gros, Point Break) is released from the mental institution where he's been held since the events of the first film.
Mike and Reggie hit the road together on the hunt for the Tall Man. They evade hits traps along the way, in addition to developing respective love interests. Mike dreams of Liz (Paula Irvine), a girl who also lives in fear of The Tall Man. Reggie, ever the lady's man, works his magic on a hitchhiker named Alchemy (Samantha Phillips). He also constructs a quad-barrel shotgun, which joins his 'Cuda as a signature of the character and the franchise.
Coscarelli intended to have Baldwin reprise his role as Mike alongside the other returning cast members, but Universal Pictures, who produced the film, insisted a working actor be cast in the lead role. Le Gros does a fine job in the inherited part, but the transition feels jarring when watching the franchise back-to-back. The surreal elements are slightly subdued, likely at the studio's behest as well, but they are still very present in the form of the nightmarish visions that plague Mike.
The trade-off was worthwhile, however, as Phantasm II has the largest budget of the series with $3 million. All the elements that made the first Phantasm so successful are present, but the bigger budget affords a larger scale with more gore and action. Gooey practical effects and rubber monsters - designed by Mark Shostrom (Evil Dead II, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors) with the assistance of fellow special effects greats Greg Nicotero and Robert Kurtzman - give the picture a distinct '80s horror feel.
Unlike the other discs in the box set, Phantasm II is licensed from Scream Factory, so the company's Collector's Edition release from 2013 is repackaged. There aren't any new special features, but the disc was already stacked: a 46-minute making-of featurette with the cast and crew; a featurette on the special effects; an audio commentary with Coscarelli, Bannister, and Scrimm; deleted scenes; alternate and extended workprint scenes; behind-the-scenes footage from the set; an educational short film produced by Encyclopedia Britannica starring a young Scrimm as Abraham Lincoln; three still galleries; TV spots; and trailers.
1994's Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead was made for about half the budget of the previous installment, which allowed Coscarelli to have more creative freedom. As a result, the surreal elements are back in the forefront. More noteworthy, Baldwin returns to his rightful role as Mike. The transition between actors is pulled off seamlessly with a clever switcheroo in editing between a recap of the previous film and current events.
While Mike was the star of the show last time around, Reggie takes the lead on this one. Previously playing more of a sidekick, he gleefully assumes the role of the action hero in spite of his humble beginnings as a bald, middle-aged ice cream man. Mike is largely absent for the film's midsection as we follow Reggie's adventures to save him and defeat the Tall Man. The focus on Reggie results in more comedic relief, which borders between fun and out of place.
En route, Reggie befriends Tim (Kevin Connors), a child sidekick who mirrors Mike in the original film, and Rocky (Gloria Lynne Henry), a badass, nunchuk-wielding army chick. Jody also makes his return to the story, trapped in one of the Tall Man's spheres. Speaking of which, the sphere effects were perfected by visual effects creator Kerry Prior in this film; they look better here than any other Phantasm movie.
The budget may have been lower, but not debilitatingly so. Shostrom was brought back for more creative practical effects, which include zombie-like creatures on the hunt for Reggie and the gang. Phantasm III also boasts one of the wildest car stunts ever put on celluloid, as fearless stuntman Bob Ivy launches a pink hearse off a pipe ramp at a high speed, hurling the vehicle much farther than anticipated. It's quite a sight to behold, particularly in high definition.
New special features for Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead include: a 48-minute making-of featurette with the cast and crew; a featurette dedicated to Ivy's aforementioned death-defying stunt; a commentary by Coscarelli and editor Norman Buckley; and a new compilation of behind-the-scenes footage from the set. Archival extras include: a charming commentary by Baldwin and Scrimm; an earlier, shorter collection of on-set footage; a deleted scene; a still gallery; a radio spot; and the trailer.
1998's Phantasm IV: Oblivion returns the franchise to its ambitious independent roots. It was long thought to be the end of the series - and, although it pales in comparison to earlier entries, it offers a gratifying conclusion. Due to the decreased budget, Coscarelli relies on the performances to deliver an engaging story rather than the spectacle of action and special effects - although there are some of those as well, including KNB EFX helping out on a couple notable effects.
As you might expect, the film is a bit more esoteric than the prior installments. The spirit of Jody urges Reggie to find Mike and help him on his quest to stop the Tall Man once and for all. The old friends embark on an interdimensional journey, expanding the series' rich mythology even further. Insight is given on the Tall Man's human backstory, which had been previously unexplored.
What makes Oblivion particularly fascinating is that it repurposes unused footage from the original Phantasm, working it in as flashbacks and visions. It might come off as a cheap gimmick in most films, but it feels genuine here, given that all the actors are still involved, not to mention the franchise's tendency for thinking outside the box. It helps that the footage is quite interesting, like the scene in which Mike and Jody hang the Tall Man.
New special features for Phantasm IV: Oblivion include: a 47-minute making-of featurette with the cast and crew; a compilation of behind-the-scenes footage from the set; and a gallery of Justin Zaharczuk's concept art. Previously existing extras include: a commentary with Coscarelli, Bannister, and Scrimm; behind-the-scenes footage (which is essentially a truncated cut of the new version); a gallery of behind-the-scenes stills; and two trailers.
2016's Phantasm: Ravager is the only Phantasm film not to be directed by Coscarelli. He passes the torch to David Hartman, though he worked closely as a co-writer and producer. It marks the live-action feature debut of Hartman, who has a long history in animation. He also serves as cinematographer, editor and visual effects artist on the film, among other duties. Although he has crafted many memorable moments throughout the years, Coscarelli’s direction has always been fairly straightforward, so the changing of the guard isn’t particularly noticeable.
The plot shifts between three timelines centering around Reggie, and neither the viewer nor the character knows for sure which is real. In one, he’s the same Reggie that fans know and love; on the road searching for his old friend, Mike. In another, he’s in a nursing home suffering from early onset dementia. In the third, he’s been in a comatose state since the events of Oblivion, and now he’s awakened to find that The Tall Man rules the earth.
It’s very much Reggie’s movie, and Bannister’s enthusiasm to revisit his iconic role translates on screen. Baldwin also plays a big role as Mike, and Thornbury joins in later as Jody. The Tall Man pops up intermittently, per usual, but he has meatier dialogue than in past films, and Scrimm nails it. Kathy Lester briefly reprises her role the Lady in Lavender from the original, and Henry makes her triumphant return as Rocky in a post-credit scene. Stephen Jutras is immediately likable as Chunk, a little person with a big personality.
Ravager feels like a fan film at times, but Hartman’s appreciation for the franchise is apparent. It suffers from its prolonged production that began as a web series with no clear end game in sight. Its seams are particularly apparent in the early portion of the film, which plays out like a series of vignettes. Thankfully, the story largely coalesces before the credits roll. Along the way, the story ties up some loose ends left by past installments while introducing new ideas, characters, and questions.
There are a few solid practical effects, but the film relies too heavily on digital effects. Several are decent for a low budget movie, while others are distractingly bad. CGI is the only way to pull off several of the ambitious concepts - like the giant spheres - but the amateurish effects resemble something found in a Syfy movie. Although imperfect, Ravager ultimately brings the storied franchise to a satisfying close, complete with everything that made the original Phantasm so memorable.
Well Go obviously held back a few extras from last year's physical release of the film to include in the box set version: a fun 50-minute montage of footage, photos, visual effects tests, and artwork used in the making of the film; video interviews with Baldwin, Lester, and Jutras; and the end credit montage sans credits. The previous extras are also present: an informative commentary by Hartman and Coscarelli; a behind-the-scenes featurette; three deleted scenes (including one with a giant dwarf played by Friday the 13th's Derek Mears) with optional commentary; an amusing collection of bloopers and outtakes; and the teaser and trailer.
A bonus disc collects even more supplementary materials: Phantasmagoria, a 2005 feature-length documentary about the franchise directed by Jake West (Doghouse); Phantasm & You, Hartman's satirical recap of the franchise styled after 1950s public service announcements; full panel discussions from Flashback Weekend Chicago 2008, Flashback Weekend Chicago 2014, and Fantastic Fest 2016; a live performance of an original song about the Lady in Lavender by Lester, whose sultry voice suits her character; a tour of Phantam's shooting locations hosted by Bannister; Phantasm Genesis, a behind-the-scenes look at some of the effects in Oblivion; and Phandom, an 18-mnute piece dedicated to the franchise's rabid fanbase.
And that's not all! The set also comes with Phantasm Compendium, a 120-page book written by Ben Wan, which chronicles the history and impact of the franchise. It features exclusive interviews with cast and crew members, accompanied by behind-the-scenes photos. Lastly, the package contains a 21x27 reversible poster, with The Dude Designs' new box set artwork on one side and Aaron Lea's stunning Phantasm: Remastered poster on the other.
Arrow Videos is releasing its own Phantasm box set in the UK, which may have superior packaging (it comes in a sphere replica), but it's impossible to compete with Well Go's exhaustive amount of special features. It's evident upon diving into them how passionate Coscarelli and the actors remain about the material and the fans after all these years.
Phantasm is easily one of the most fascinating franchises to marathon through. Each film could have served as an ending to the series, yet the subsequent sequel always picks up right were the previous one left off. Not only is it a treat to watch the same characters and cast members grow and mature as the mythology expands, but Coscarelli's creative force continuously propels the story in unexpected directions.
The Phantasm Collection is available now via Well Go USA.
#phantasm#phantasm ravager#phantasm remastered#phantasm: ravager#phantasm: remastered#angus scrimm#well go usa#review#article
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It all happened within 24 hours. I got home from work around 7pm, usual for Tuesdays. I had had such a bad day at work, nothing really that bad happened, but I was cooped up in a room all day with just my thoughts and I had been so hard on myself. I just felt like getting home and snuggling with Jasper and crying. But I got home and started getting Jasper ready to go for a walk, and he was SO excited to see me that he was bouncing around and was literally bounding down the hallway, turning around to make sure I was close by and then bounding at me. He was being so goofy that I thought to myself, “Aw man, he makes me feel so much better. None of that matters.” Our walk was so great, we went on his favorite route and he saw three of his friends: The old man that loves him (Jasper is a little suspicious of him but accepts the pats), the angry chihuahua (that he loves pestering) and Mr. Corgi (who he also loves to pester). It was very exciting. All of the plum trees were blossoming and they smelled so good that I kept grabbing some and smelling them and he wanted to see what they were, so I showed him some and he gave it a good sniff then decided he didn’t care because he couldn’t eat it. So I set the flowers on his head, and one stayed on there for awhile. We went back to my apartment where an hour later I started getting sad again, so I laid on his dog bed and was hugging him and being sad while he rolled around on me and nuzzled me. It was making me feel so much better, and then I thought, “what the hell am I going to do when he dies?” And I started crying.
No more than two hours later, I started getting ready to pick up Andrew from work. He was acting sad, like something was wrong, and I thought it was because he thought I was leaving and not coming back (I’d just recently come back from a 1 day trip to see my mom). I texted Andrew that something was wrong with Jasper, but I just thought that he was sad. I picked up Andrew from work and we went straight back to my apartment to take him out for a walk. He wouldn’t get up even when I picked up his leash, and he gave me that sad look again and I knew something was wrong. I offered him his favorite treat to see if he’d get up and he wouldn’t even take it. I was thinking, maybe he was blocked up? He did just get into the garbage yesterday and didn’t poop much on his walk earlier today? So we eventually lifted him up, and he hobbled over to the stairs and refused to go down them. I carried him down and we took him outside, and he just laid down and looked at me, like he was trying to tell me something was wrong. So Andrew carried him back inside and we laid him on my bed while we called the emergency vet at WSU (it was close to 12am at this point). They told me to bring him in, so we did immediately. It was a long car ride, because he was deteriorating fast (drooling, shaking, looking completely bewildered). We finally got there and they rushed him to the back, and that was when I could really tell how much pain he was in.
It was a long night of sitting in the waiting room. The vet came out and told us that he had fluid in his abdomen. Then we waited some more. She came back out with three tubes filled with blood, and said it was bad. That’s when I started crying. We waited some more. She came back out to tell me that he had a bleeding mass, most likely on his spleen. She gave me about a million different ways that it could play through, from best case scenario, the bleeding would resolve itself, and worst case scenario being that it’s a cancerous mass and he has 6 months to live. It was so overwhelming. But it was clear that he probably needed surgery to stop the bleeding, but they needed more imaging done so that they knew what they were dealing with and to also keep him overnight. She gave me a quote of $5000-6000 for the surgery, which I needed to pay upfront as a deposit in the morning. The plan was that they’d keep him overnight and do surgery in the morning, after the imaging. We were able to go see him in the ICU before we left, and he was doing a lot better after getting IV fluids. He came out of his cage and we hugged him a lot, and then he went back into his cage on his own and plopped down and was acting generally happy and okay with his sleepover situation. The vet was optimistic that fluids helped so much. But was still bleeding, and the 6 months to live prognosis was repeated.
So then we had to go home without him. We were barely out of the parking lot when he broke down. I put my car in park at a stop sign and we held each other and cried. Neither of us really slept at all that night, I kept waking up thinking I heard my phone ring. Morning came around and I got ahold of my parents, and they said they’d help me with the deposit. The WSU vet tech called me at 7am, saying he made it through the night but needed the deposit because he needed surgery. We got it figured out and they started on imaging on abdomen (to see how big the bleeding mass was and if they could remove it with a splenectomy, and to also see if his liver was affected) and cardiac imaging (to see if it was affected as well before they proceeded with surgery). Then it was just waiting. Andrew and I just sat on my bed and waited. It was around noon I think when the vet called back.
He said that Jasper had masses on his spleen and throughout his liver, and they took a biopsy and had it tested. He was diagnosed with hepatic hemangiosarcoma in his spleen and liver, an aggressive and fast spreading cancer. They gave me the option to do the surgery and remove his spleen and portions of his liver to stop the bleeding, and afterwards chemotherapy. With this they couldn’t even guarantee that the bleeding could be stopped, but if it could he would have only 3 months to live. The other option was to just do chemotherapy, with no guarantee how long he would live, what response he would have, or if the bleeding would stop. The last option was exploratory surgery and then reassess.
I called my mom and talked to Andrew, and decided that the best option was to bring him home and do an in-home euthanasia. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I knew that he was already such a sensitive boy, and recovering from surgery would have taken many painful months and that doing that to him would just be cruel and selfish. I could barely wrap my head around it, because how could this be happening? He’s so active and happy. In January, we saw the vet to test one of his new fatty lumps (he had a lot, and they were always fatty tumors but I had every single one checked). He also had a cough and we did chest xrays and blood work, and the vet gave him a clean bill of health because he was completely healthy (except for his weight and that his teeth needed cleaned again). It was literally 4 months ago. It was literally the night before he had been romping around down the hallway and letting me put flowers on his head.
So I called my vet and made the appointment for 5:30 pm. We went and got him at 2pm, but the wait took forever. I just wanted to be with him again because we only had hours left. When we finally got him, he was so lethargic and confused and just collapsed on my lap. The team that worked on him said goodbye to him and gave me the blanket he’d been using and reassured me that I was making the right decision. He had to be carried to my car and I sat in the back with him on the way back and held his head. I couldn’t believe that it was happening
We finally laid him down in his bed and laid down next to him. We cried and gave him a few pepperoni. I held him and stroked his ears and his face. He was shaking and kept snapping his head up, looking around all bewildered. I think he was in pain and didn’t know where it was coming from. He was so in and out of it. But I had a heart to heart with him, close enough so he could hear me and his eyes locked with mine as if he understood what I was saying. Our vet was delayed to 6:30, and at that point I was just crying because I couldn’t stand seeing him in so much pain. I felt like I was prolonging it. He was so painful and was scared except for when he would realize it was me or where he was. It hadn’t even been 24 fucking hours since our walk when he’d been perfectly fine.
And then our vet and a vet tech came over. We’d been saying our goodbyes for a couple hours by then, but we said bye one last time. Seeing and feeling him shake and the heat coming off of him was killing me. I held him in my arms and kissed his head when he fell asleep. He was already so limp to begin with that there was no difference from awake to asleep. And then he was gone. I held him while the tech got his pawprint. Eventually I had to leave his side. Andrew held my face against his chest and wouldn’t let go until they had his body inside the little cardboard coffin that they brought.
And just like that my best friend for 10 years was gone forever.
The treat I had used to try to get him up was still on my counter. There’s still food in his bowl with his tennis ball right next to it. The three empty dog beds so that he would always have a comfy place to be. His treats, supplements, and poop bags are right next to the door. The hook on my fridge for his leash. My tiny studio apartment was just mine and Jasper’s. That’s what made it so great. It still feels like he’s still at the vet and he’s coming back. He was my best friend and my roommate. My schedule revolved around him.
It’s been 5 days since he’s died but it still feels like yesterday. My mom came up the day after he died. I took work off and so did Andrew, and today is the first day in my apartment by myself. I don’t know what I would’ve done without Andrew. He’s held me and cried with me and has barely left my side. I know that it put him back to when he lost his mom. He had been alone for that. I don’t know what I would’ve done without him. The day after Jasper died, we had to go down to our vet to pay for the euthanasia and his cremation. He helped me pick out an urn. And when it came time to pay he refused to let me pay, even though it was almost $400. I had the money but he wouldn’t let me and said it was the least he could do. His kindness and love has really held me together.
I know that Jasper loved me so much and that I was his person. He was my soul dog and my best buddy. At 15 years old I know that he lived a good, long life, even though that doesn’t stop this from being so sudden. I’m so thankful that we came into each others lives. He always wanted me to be happy and was quick to investigate and nuzzle me whenever I was crying. He loved Andrew too, and Andrew loved him. I hope Jasper rests easy knowing that Andrew will always keep me safe. I’ll never have another dog like him. I keep expecting to see his face, or hear him walking across the hardwood floor. Every second I spend away from my apartment, I get hit with that guilt of “I need to get home to my dog”, and then I remember. I know that with time it’ll get better, but whenever I think about that I think about wanting to go back into time just to spend more time with him. I miss him so much.
#ive been replaying this in my head in an endless loop so im hoping writing it out helps me#jasper#long
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Looking for my big girl panties
It’s been a while since I blogged. Too long really. But I have been in and out of depression, anger, sadness....pretty much any bad feeling. It’s been a weird summer. But I’m back and ready to finish the middle of this race so I can get to the end and be done with all this cancer mess! Buckle up y’all...this is going to be a long blog!
I had a small hiccup on June 30th. I was sitting watching tv when I got a horrible pain in my bottom right jaw. It quickly moved down the right side of my neck and into the right side of my chest. Then it would go away. Then it would start all over again. I called Chris to come to me and he was as baffled as I was as to what it could be. But it wasn’t getting any better. We finally decided we better call for an ambulance to come check me out. Of course with me being a cancer patient they were very attentive. Well...the ambulance people were....but a couple of the first responders were useless. They didn’t do anything. Chris was severely pissed. The paramedic took my blood pressure and it was 180/100. They wanted to take me to Vandy. I didn’t really want to go with all this covid mess but the chemo I take can affect your heart so I decided to give in and go. They wanted to start an IV in route and I told them I had a port and they could just access it. But the paramedic said that Sumner County would not provide them with the equipment to access a port. Thanks a lot Sumner County! He said we could wait until we got to the hospital and they could access it. When I got to Vandy 3 doctors were waiting for me and they put me in a room by myself to isolate me from anyone else. They started running EKG’s and ordering other tests. But of course...when I go to do something medical it is usually a shitshow....and this time was no different. My nurse was a guy named Cody. I looked like I could be his mother. He started out sort of nice I guess. He was pissed off because I did not have an IV in. i told him that I had a port and he could access it and he looked at me like I had 2 heads (red flag #1) So he huffs off to go find the kit to access it but stops at the door and asks me if I know what size needle they usually use (red flag #2) I tell him 1/2 inch. He drags back in and tells me the only size they have is 3/4 inch...yippee. He opens the kit and starts getting all of the stuff out, wiping my whole chest down with alcohol and feeling around for my port. Luckily my port is right under the skin. It has 3 raised dots on it and you stick the needle in the middle of those dots. He is rubbing and pushing and feeling with this intense look on his face. So I casually ask “You have done this before, right?” And he says “Of course!” Okay, cool. So I am sitting there looking to the left so I don’t breathe on my sterile chest and I wait and I wait and I wait...nothing. So I sneak a peak to my right and I shit you not this KID has got the directions out of the kit and reading them. (red flag #3) Why would he have to read the directions if he has done this before? I mean has he only done it once before when he was in school or what? I ask “everything okay?” And he says “Yes, these are new kits and they are different from the old ones so I want to make sure I have this right.” Uh..,,yeah! So he finally gets all his ducks in a row and asks me if I’m ready. Dude...I’ve been ready for 30 minutes! Let’s go! Bam he inserts the needle and I immediately know something is wrong because it has never hurt that bad. He missed. He freaking missed the whole port! He has put this 3/4 inch needle into my chest. I open my mouth to tell him to stop and he starts twisting it thinking he can maneuver it enough to get it into the port. Y’all....I aint gonna lie. I didn’t know whether to pass out, cry or punch him in the face. He finally pulls it out...of course blood starts running so he slaps his hand on my chest and throws the needle onto the tray which causes blood to splatter on the counter and the wall. He’s looking at me and I’m looking at him. He says “I missed.” Well no shit Sherlock...ya think? He gets the bleeding to stop and leaves the room. I sit there and plot his death and he comes back in with another kit. I grab ahold of his wrist and tell him that he has one more shot at this or I am putting it in myself. He looked terrified and just shook his head yes. On the second try he got out an ink pen and marked the center of the port and got it right in with no problems. What did I tell ya...shitshow. I should have been more aware of the red flags. Trying to make a long story short they did multiple EKG’s, chest xrays, CT scan and ultrasound. Everything came back fine. They think maybe the port shifted and caused the pain. So after 13 hours in the ER (by myself because no one could be with me) Chris brought me home.
We did get to go camping 3 times this summer....finally! And we had so much fun! It was the only thing outside of the house that I could do. We fished, talked, sang, ate junk food, played games and just hung out. It has been wonderful!
I saw my surgeon, Dr. Mary Hooks, on July 7th. We finally got my surgery scheduled for August 21. I am nervous but I am trying to find my big girl panties to put on so I can get thru this. I think I am down to my last pair. As of right now Chris can go with me but he will have to drop me off at surgery that morning and wont see me until that night when I get in my room. Surgery will be a minimum of 4-5 hours. I will blog more details about that later on.
I had treatment #6 (out of 11) this week. My awesome infusion nurse (seriously, I love her) had a little trouble with my port....she says it has moved. So that explained everything that happened to me the day I went to the hospital. And of course....I had a reaction to my treatment. I once again had to be pumped with emergency meds. But I’m okay. It has made the last couple of days hell but I am hoping for a better tomorrow. The steroid jacks me up and the benadryl wears me down. So it is like my body is constantly fighting with itself. It definitely screws with your mind!
So that is my update as of now. I am still in menopause hell but no one wants to hear about that today. I will lay out all of the surgery details within the next 2 weeks. I am so thankful for all of you that have called, sent cards, texts, etc. It means so much to me. I miss everyone! I know I still have a few more months of quarantine but man when this is over I am going to paint the town red. Or maybe just light pink. (wink wink)
Love to all,
Steph
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A Future Without HIV: Are We There Yet?
Jennifer Waugh
The findings of a major eight-year-long HIV study known as the PARTNER2 study have shown that so long as HIV+ partners are being fully treated, there is no chance of passing on HIV to a sexual partner, even with unprotected sex. What does that mean, and where do we stand now that we know this?
Last weekend was huge for HIV research. Literally epic.
The Guardian, CNN and other major news sources reported on the findings of a major eight-year-long HIV study known as the PARTNER2 study. This landmark study followed 1000 male couples where one partner was HIV positive and on antiretroviral (ARV) medication, and one partner was negative for the disease, across fourteen different countries in the United Kingdom.
The study findings showed that when men were adherent to their ARVs (when they took their meds daily and as directed), they became virally suppressed, and had no chance of passing on HIV to their sexual partner, even with unprotected sex. These couples reported engaging in unprotected sex more than 77,000 times collectively without any transmission of the virus.
You heard that right: so long as the HIV+ partners were being fully treated, it was found that there was no chance - zero — of passing on HIV to their sexual partner, even with unprotected sex.
The findings of this study were published in 2018, but the CDC recognized the fact that undetectable viral loads lead to zero HIV transmission in 2017, showing support of the Prevention Access Campaign’s “Undetectable = Untransmittable,” or “U=U." More than eight hundred organizations across one hundred countries have now joined together in support of the U=U campaign. HIV/AIDS has claimed the lives of millions since it was first discovered in 1983, but it seems things may finally be looking up.
This is obviously amazing news. This is also a lot to unpack, though, so let’s talk basics, filling in gaps you might have about HIV or AIDS, treatment, and their history, then let's take a look at the view from here.
What are HIV and AIDS, anyway?
HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) is a disease that attacks the immune system, and which makes anyone who has it more susceptible to other infections that can then cause AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome). A person living with HIV is considered to have AIDS when their CD4 count — the amount of white blood cells in the body — drops below 200 (the normal range is 500-1,500), and they have been diagnosed with what's called an opportunistic infection. Some of the most common opportunistic infections are recurrent pneumonia, toxoplasmosis, hepatitis B and C, and candidiasis (yeast infections or thrush) - though there are many. Basically, because HIV attacks the immune system, which makes it easier to fall seriously ill by another serious infection, and greatly inhibits the body’s ability to fight back. Good CD4 cells are destroyed, and HIV begins creating new copies of the virus.
One big misconception that still exists, thanks in part to stigma and lack of accurate education, is that HIV = AIDS, or even that HIV always leads to AIDS. That’s not true. With advances in research and treatment options, many people with HIV in developed nations now never experience AIDS.
HIV was initially found in 1981 and first called GRID -- Gay-Related Immunodeficiency -- because it was first seen in gay men. This framing unfortunately perpetuated stigma (negative, oftentimes shameful, perception) that still surrounds both gay men and HIV to this day. HIV isn’t just about gay men. It can be transmitted (passed from one person to another) through bodily fluids including blood, semen, vaginal fluids, and breastmilk. Though the virus passes most easily during anal sex (due to the ease with which anal tissue tears, making the act more “risky” for the receptive, or bottom, partner) HIV does not discriminate based on sexuality, gender, or skin color. Contrary to historical stereotypes, statistics show that globally heterosexual women are who experience the highest rates of HIV infection.
In the 1980s and 1990s when treatments were not yet readily available or affordable, hundreds of thousands of gay men had died from AIDS, largely due to homophobia. In the USA alone, "By 1995, one gay man in nine had been diagnosed with AIDS, one in fifteen had died, and 10% of the 1,600,000 men aged 25-44 who identified as gay had died." Gay men have accounted for more than half (55 percent) of all AIDS deaths since the epidemic’s beginning.
Sensationalized news articles and headlines across the world played a great part in this by demonizing gay men, using terms like “gay plague,” “gay cancer,” and displayed images of tombstones and the Grim Reaper. Heartlessly, HIV and AIDS were viewed by many as a punishment for what they or others considered “amoral behavior,” like sex between men, IV drug use, or sex work. This, combined with existing intense bias against these groups, led to a mass amount of fear, and tremendous silence surrounding the disease. At the height of the AIDS epidemic in the US and beyond, gay men led activist movements criticizing the government’s blind eye and lack of action at such a crucial time, fighting for the Reagan administration to pay attention and to fund research and treatment. It wasn’t until 1986 that President Reagan even mentioned the word AIDS publicly. During this time, HIV was still considered by many to be a death sentence, as affected populations continued to be further marginalized.
Ian Green, Chief Executive of Terrence Higgins Trust, a British charity that provides services relating to sexual health and HIV, was diagnosed with HIV 23 years ago. In a recent interview, Ian, now undetectable, disclosed fears he had when he was diagnosed that many still have today when they test positive for HIV. “The most significant [emotion] at that point in time was how long did I have to live. The other thing that really concerned me for a very long time is am I a risk to other people?” I can only imagine the immense relief that might now be felt by a person living with HIV to learn they are unable to pass it on to anyone else – to not feel as though they are any sort of danger to other people, so contrary to perceptions and experiences of the past.
In the United States, specifically, the population most affected by HIV is still men who have sex with men, accounting for 26,000 new infections each year. Worldwide, though, women represent the majority — 52% — of all adults living with HIV. Though we know anal sex poses the greatest risk of transmission, penis-vaginal intercourse is also a leading cause of transmission worldwide. Similar to the anus, it's easy for the vaginal wall to experience small (usually unnoticeable) tears during intercourse, providing a route for HIV transmission. Vaginal tissue is highly susceptible to any type of infection. Beyond basic physiology, women (including those who don't have vaginas) also remain disproportionately affected by the virus due to vulnerabilities created by social, economic, and cultural status. Gender inequality, as well as intimate partner violence, reinforce harmful power dynamics, both on a personal and systemic scale. In many countries, women face significant barriers to education and healthcare, contributing to a known lack of understanding around pregnancy and HIV.
What about treatment?
HIV treatment medications (ARVs) became available in the late 1980s, starting with the first licensed drug, AZT (of the drug class Nucleoside Analogs), which was initially highly toxic.
Fast forward to the 1990s and a new era of ARVs. Researchers began to realize that one class of drugs was not enough to control CD4 counts, and eventually introduced HAARTs – highly active antiretroviral therapies – made up of combinations of Nucleotide Reverse Transcriptase Inhibitors (NRTIs), Non-nucleoside Reverse Transcriptase Inhibitors (NNRTIs), Protease Inhibitors, Fusion Inhibitors, CCR5 Antagonists, and Integrase Inhibitors. Not only were these treatments (called “cocktails” in early years) numerous - sometimes 20 or more pills a day - but many doctors refused to even treat people living with HIV. Then there’s the fact that even seeing a doctor and paying for these incredibly costly meds meant having health insurance (something many, many people didn’t have), and a plan that would potentially pay thousands upon thousands monthly for treatment.
Through years of advocacy and research, ARVs became more effective in treating the virus, and HIV resource agencies began growing around the world, making it easier for more people to access these medications. Drug trials continued, and researchers found the right combination of these different classes of drugs.
Today, people living with HIV who are connected to treatment can now take as little as one single pill per day as their full treatment. (That one pill contains at least three types of medications, though.) By finding these effective combinations, remaining adherent to one’s ARVs has become much easier than not only remembering to take, but having to swallow, handfuls of pills per day.
This brings us back to the results of the PARTNER2 study and what life looks like for people who receive HIV treatment today.
UNAIDS data from 2018 reported that 21.7 million of the 36.9 million people living with HIV worldwide were receiving treatment in 2017. Their current initiative and goal is 90/90/90: that 90% of people living with HIV will know their status, 90% of those people will be on treatment, and 90% will be virally suppressed. Adherence to treatment is key to suppression of the virus.
Current standards of treatment include taking daily medication and having lab work done every six months prior to checking up with a healthcare provider. Today there are many ARV medications, and doctors choose the best regimen for each individual patient. Typically, after a few months of taking medication (and depending on how long they have been living with the disease untreated), people diagnosed with HIV will have such a small amount of copies of HIV in their blood that they are considered “undetectable.” People achieve viral suppression (a controlled, lowered amount of the virus) when the copies of HIV are less than 200 per milliliter (mL) of blood. This doesn’t mean that a person with an undetectable viral load will test negative for HIV, but during routine labs (which check the CD4 – the level of good white blood cells, and the amount of HIV copies in the blood) their amount is so small that it will not show up on that particular test.
It’s important to note that just because a person achieves undetectable status does not mean they can stop taking medication. If a person begins missing more than 3-4 doses of their ARV per month regularly, their viral load can climb to a detectable value, and they may need to switch medications to get that number back under control.
So, what does this news mean for everyone?
Obviously, the fact that HIV treatment has now been proven to prevent transmission when taken properly is incredible news, and is potentially momentous both for people living with HIV and those of us who have worked or are currently working to prevent it. Researchers have been working hard for decades on the science behind HIV and developing and administering effective treatment.
But what about the people who don’t have access to these medications? In developing nations, poor economy contributes to a lack of healthcare, and the availability of medication to fight HIV. UNAIDS estimates that more than $26.2 billion will be required to combat HIV/AIDS in the year 2020. Treatment is expensive.
Stigma plays — as it always has — another huge role in the ability to receive treatment. Even just being tested for HIV is scary because of fear of judgment and discrimination. In terms of HIV, however, ignorance is not bliss. It is crucial to know one’s status so that treatment can be initiated, and more people will not come in contact with the virus. 73 countries worldwide still consider homosexuality to be a prosecutable offense, sometimes punishable by death: these attitudes and policies obviously keep many people from even getting tested. A key proponent to HIV prevention is education and counseling, but for many, the idea still exists that HIV = gay, and it can be dangerous to discuss either.
There are many other barriers that exist that prevent people from receiving HIV treatment. People of color and those who are low-income are incredibly underserved. Many people do not have access to health insurance or appropriate healthcare. ARVs cost upwards of $3,000 per month without insurance. Even with insurance, lack of education often leads to the inability to understand a diagnosis and other parts of health, and makes it difficult for many marginalized people to communicate their needs with a doctor. What about transportation? Just getting to a doctor’s office or pharmacy is often a task on its own, especially in rural areas or healthcare deserts (areas with no clinics or hospitals). Additionally, housing and food security play their own roles in creating barriers to optimal HIV health. Without a safe place to live, many people lack a safe place to store their medications even if they can get them. Most ARVs need to be taken with food to be absorbed properly: not knowing where your next meal will come from adds another layer to the struggle with adherence.
Luckily, there are many HIV resource agencies to assist people with some of these barriers and help to make access to HIV healthcare easier. In the United States, the AIDS Drug Assistance Program (ADAP - though the name varies by state; for example, this resource is called MIDAP in Michigan) provides free HIV healthcare and HIV medications for people enrolled in the program. This organization even covers undocumented citizens. HIV resource agencies often provide testing, education, counseling, and HIV health management services (including social work, and food, housing, and insurance assistance) for people who are lucky enough to have an organization in their area.
There are also other recent HIV advancements to be excited about. Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP) was initially approved by the FDA as a preventative medication
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