#someday i’ll like actually detail all the things wrong w his writing and then you’ll ALL SEE but for now yeah. this shows frustrating </3

[horromcom]

elaborating on earlier when i was talking abt the wasted potential barry carried im mainly talking in regards to his redemption/post-coma writing. not saying his pre-coma portrayal was perfect by any means, i still got some problems w it, but in comparison he feels leagues more well-utilized as a character

idk how to explain it but it kinda feels like the writers dont know WHAT to do w him anymore. like a barry redemption has the potential to be so complex and dynamic and could lead to soooo many fun ideas and episodes and potential plot threads and so many new angles to explore but the writers just dont do ANYTHING INTERESTING WITH IT (avgn voice) WHAT WERE THEY THINKINGGGG??

like ok 11x4 was. fine. still has some MAJOR glaring issues that make me foam at the mouth, but on its own its alright for the most part, i still revisit it a lot and if i dont think abt it too much its fun. 12x8 on the other hand was where it all falls apart for me

like i’ll never forget how excited i was for that ep thinking it was gonna tackle at least some of the cool new potential themes and ideas his character now carries like YES ITS HAPPENING WE’RE WINNING WAHOOO YIPPEEEE .. and then they completely botched it. like i cant say they didnt try, the ep did have some good ideas but the way it was all executed was sooo :/ disappointing and boring and surface-level and tbh kinda felt shoehorned in for a quick easy source of conflict and drama rather than being naturally developed over the course of his arc to the point where it almost feels like an afterthought and its all just so FRUSTRATINGGGG. (shrek image) they didnt even follow up on the events of 11x4. sucks especially bc this episode was shaping up to be one of my favs ever and then it actually aired and it was the worst night of my entire life hate and violence on planet earth. and it honestly has me extremely worried for future seasons too bc on one hand im scared his death’s gonna stick and the end of his arc will be whatevr the hell that was,, but on the other im scared he’ll come back and the writers will continue to butcher his character the way they’re doin. idk which is scarier AAAAA. like maybe they’ll surprise me maybe they’ll fix the problems i have and do something fun and new with him im trying so hard to stay optimistic. but my hopes aren’t high at all. the bar is at the earths core. yes im sooo excited for s13 yippee yay. yes im also shaking like a wet lil dog whenever i think abt how its almost here bc my poor blorbo might get massacred further

also the ‘doesnt get enough screen time’ slot that i checked off plays into the wasted potential angle too. like i think prior to the coma seasons the amount he got was fine (i def wouldnt complain if he had more but for what he got yeah it works) but post-coma i think the whole ‘once a season’ thing doesnt work anymore now that they’ve taken him in this new direction that requires more focus and care to develop. like i said abt how 12x8 felt rly rushed with barry’s whole deal feeling like it was tossed in without much forethought, i think that wouldnt have been so much of a problem if he were allowed more episodes prior to DO ANYTHING to establish his character growth and new motives/ideals and relationships/dynamics with the rest of the team and his clear struggles with recovery and how having archer back in the picture is affecting him and MY GOD. archer fx staff give him some filler episodes RAT NAO IM SO SRS and i know im yelling at clouds here bc i doubt this is something they’re gonna work on in future seasons considering they’re prob gonna stick to the 8 ep structure forever now which means less time to build on their side characters which drives me so mad and also another thing why have him apart of the team at all if ur not gonna do ANYTHINGGGG WITH HIM WHATS THE POINT THEN like if u for some reason cant feature him in too many eps then at least make up an excuse as to where he is or SOMETHING to affirm hes an established team member like the show claims like is he apart of the agency or not HELLO IS ANYONE THERE CAN ANYONE HEAR ME ITS SO DARK AND COLD IN HERE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE HELP MEEEE

where am i going w this what am i talking abt im running on three hours of sleep here im not crazy i just want my babygirl sweet angel darling honeypie to have good writing and a meaningful well-realized arc and fun interesting relationship dynamics and character complexity/depth and actual thought and attention put into his development SO SO BAD I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE AUUUGHH AUUAHAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (DATS ME YELLIN)

#IF NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY GOD DAMN SENSE DONT WORRY ABT IT im half asleep. didnt even mean for this turn into a vent #someday i’ll like actually detail all the things wrong w his writing and then you’ll ALL SEE but for now yeah. this shows frustrating </3 #prayer circle for his writing to be good in s13 or im killing the hostages #👻.evp #long post #mutuals watching me go insane over this man like why don’t u barry urself in some bitches

[mannatea]

Fireside Dreams, a Rose of Versailles ‘fic

Words: 5,176 Summary: Oscar was in love. Pairing/Character: Oscar/André Extra Info: This was originally posted on Fanfiction.net back in 2008. It is a full rewrite. Rating: I’d say T bordering on M, but it’s rated M on AO3 just to be safe. :) Genre: Romance and Friendship with a dash of Angst. Kind of character-study-ish, too.

Notes, if  anyone’s interested in them.

All right, so...if you read the original version of this story, you’ll notice the rewrite is...very different.

A few little things:

I use the French manga as my usual reference, so you’ll see a lot of lines quoted that might not match up perfectly with the Japanese-to-English translations that many people are used to. There is one line I did pull from the Japanese though, I believe it was: “One eye isn’t too much to sacrifice for you, Oscar.”

The French version says, instead, “I’ll always be ready to sacrifice an eye for you, Oscar.” I like this too, but I don’t think it really conveys that deep emotional impact that the scene was supposed to have on the reader. Rather, it almost sounds goofy (since he only has one other eye to sacrifice)! 

I guess I could have gone with a loose translation of the French (maybe, “If it’s for you, Oscar, I’ll sacrifice my other eye without complaint.”) but I wanted something the audience would be familiar with.

I do believe the intent of the original line is supposed to convey: 1) I’d do it again, 2) No regrets, and 3) harken back to André’s promise to put his life on the line for Oscar some day...even though the eye thing was a complete accident in the manga.

The lines for the lips I know are my creative translation of the French manga.

I feel like I shouldn’t HAVE to put translations for the French in here, but...I dunno. Why did I put them in the story like some kind of ouiaboo? Because there are some words that just don’t have the same meaning in English, my dudes.

Mon Dieu = My God!

d’accord = okay, yes, [agreement] 

Whenever Oscar tells André to do anything, in the French manga, this is how he responds. I could have just written “okay,” but I can’t help but feel that it’s too informal/not respectful enough, and “yes ma’am” (which is closer to how I read it) just feels too formal.

Je t’aime = I love you. André shouts it over and over in The Incident Scene, which is what I’m referring to by using it.

I actually hate the title (“Fireside Dreams”) but I’ve known it as this for so long I couldn’t change it.

I changed the ending A LOT for reasons I’ll talk about below, but...I kept the cheesy last line. Well, I rewrote it, but I kept the general feeling of corniness that existed in the original!

------------------------------

Goals when writing this were as follows:

Try for a tone that felt as if it could have been part of the manga.

Eliminate André’s POV (more on this later).

Deep-dive into Oscar’s POV.

Treat the story like a fanficcified Character Study piece.

The manga tone thing was frustrating, because the manga lends itself to this really flowery, romantic language that I don’t actually think Oscar would use very often (mostly because the entire series tells us that she is Not That Kind of Person and I don’t appreciate her suddenly Becoming That Person Because Love). A lot of the fandom will disagree with me on this point, and that’s okay. I tried to strike more of a balance where Oscar thinks some of these types of things, but says Logical Oscar Things.

André’s POV originally came in when he did: at Oscar’s door. It also transitioned suddenly into third person omniscient from third person limited, aaaaand when I reread it...I didn’t like it. I felt like it made it harder to follow! The original was supposed to be more of Oscar’s story anyway, so I just committed to it in the rewrite. Overall I do feel this was better for the story, but I lost some lines I really liked from the original that were in André’s POV! Who knows, though, maybe they’ll make an appearance in another story, someday!

Regarding this story as a character study, though... Okay, I’ll try not to let this get long, because I haven’t eaten all day and it’s already getting late here, but I want to address this.

Something that always stuck with me about the manga was how Oscar confessed her love to André quite early on compared to the anime, and how it felt to have their relationship evolve before the end of the series (when she asks André to marry her).

1. I am always ALWAYS ALWAYS a sucker for the woman to ask the man to marry them, ESPECIALLY in period dramas, and

2. See the image below.

Oscar as a character has always interested me greatly, and been highly #relatable, but on my last rewatch I feel like I understand her better than I ever did as an early 20-something.

Despite being in a relationship with André when she asks him to make her his wife, she’s still afraid of actually following through with the act! That’s not something we get to see in the media very often, so I enjoyed getting a peek at it in Rose of Versailles.

Additionally, I felt that Oscar’s whole romance arc was kind of its own character study for her in the canon. She spends most of her life being efficient and logical. Love confuses her. Feelings are difficult to navigate and express. She would not have defended André so passionately I think if she did not love him, but when faced with those feelings she doesn’t even tell him she cares. If the author wanted to make Oscar astute/in tune with her own feelings, she could have written that scene a hundred different ways, but instead we get “I didn’t do it for you, I did it for Nanny! Hahaha!” Part of Oscar’s issue is most assuredly due to the way she was raised, but I feel it didn’t create that character trait so much as it expanded upon it.

Anyway, something difficult to put into words is Oscar’s wondering in the story about being “broken.” I’m writing this from a very specific perspective, but I feel like Oscar’s feeling is relatable to many different types of people. I mean, raise your hand if you’ve ever felt like you were broken, if there was something deeply wrong with you. Now raise it higher if you feel that way and yet...you’re also pretty satisfied with yourself and like who you are, and you don’t really wish to change.

Oscar’s in an interesting position. She’s a woman who identifies as a woman, but she lives as a man. She wears men’s clothes, she does men’s work, she has men’s hobbies, and she’s expected to publicly Act Like a Man. She’s good at these things. She enjoys these things. She delights in her own skill, and has a lot of fun springing the fact that she’s a woman on poor unsuspecting people (like Rosalie, lol) while also shooting down things typically associated with being a woman (like when she glared at André for suggesting she had an understanding of something because of women’s intuition). It’s easy to understand Oscar’s POV: she wants to be free to be herself, and that means picking and choosing from gender stereotypes as she sees fit, identifying herself as what she is and what she is not.

At the end of the day, Oscar is...Oscar...which is how I imagine André feels about it.

I’m sure if you read the story, and you went out of your way to read this far, you probably have a personally complex view of Oscar yourself, so please don’t feel as if my view of her has to match yours. Everyone will read her a little differently!

I wanted to explore the confusion that Oscar feels. The confusion that makes her put on a dress even though she isn’t comfortable in one, the confusion of falling for someone you already knew from the beginning was unattainable (though I didn’t go into detail on this particular point), the difficulty in expressing feelings when you’ve been raised to not do that, and the understanding that different does not mean broken.

Oscar is not broken. You are not broken. I am not broken.

------------------------------

One last note about this story, and it’s related to The Incident Scene. I’m choosing to interpret it in my own way, so if it’s different than yours, I hope my interpretation wasn’t too jarring!

I look at the scene, particularly in the manga, to be kind of a Domino Effect of less-than-stellar choices. Oscar tries to communicate her feelings but does a very poor job of it, and in the process hurts the person she’s trying to communicate with. As a result, he makes a bad choice and hurts her in turn. I don’t feel that any of the hurt was intentional (these two people love each other, after all), but circumstances have put them into positions where some kind of hurt was inevitable.

André undoubtedly would have been rejected by Oscar no matter when he confessed (just because she wouldn’t be mentally capable of processing it quickly enough to spare him), but he chose to confess to an Oscar 1) as part of an emotional outburst/explosion, and 2) physically.

Oscar is not used to Intimate physical contact, and understandably freaks out. She’s also not used to André as a Passionate Person. He’s always been so mellow! It’s frightening to her on multiple levels.

NOTHING EXCUSES ANDRE, BY THE WAY! Taking his frustration and sorrow and fear and emotion out on Oscar was terrible.

But context is important, I think, to understand how manga!Oscar forgives him before he even leaves her rooms. André’s outburst was never about him being horny, or him wanting to be intimate with Oscar. If you look closely I think it’s clear that it’s a chain of André trying to communicate to her in turn, and failing repeatedly until he rips her shirt (that he’s already holding onto)—something I don’t believe he meant to do, or he wouldn’t feel such immediate shame for it.

It was an outburst of fear that she was abandoning him. It was an explosion of all the love he legally wasn’t allowed to feel for years of his life. It was frustration and sorrow over seeing the person he loves best denying Who She Is in the face of an unrequited crush.

I never felt that André was insisting she was a woman instead of the man she wanted to be so much as he was insisting that Oscar Is Oscar, and she cannot change that, and shouldn’t change it out of fear or embarrassment AS WELL AS SAYING, “You are who you are and I LOVE YOU FOR THAT! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! PLEASE HEAR ME AND DON’T HURT YOURSELF BY TRYING TO BE SOMEONE YOU’RE NOT!”

Unfortunately André fails to speak plainly enough and the whole thing Backfires. (Now you can consider how he was raised to speak to his betters.)

I know all of the above wasn’t necessary to read the story (or even afterward), but I thought it would assist if anyone read my ‘fic and came away from it wondering if they’d read/watched a completely different version of The Incident. 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! I sure hope you leave a comment over on AO3, since you can do so anonymously, and Feedback Is Life!! ♥

#rose of versailles #berubara #berusaiyu no bara #mannafics

[yeosanqtuary]

with u - pt. 4

☆ - list of chapters

☆ - all content are fictional.

san didn't know why, but his chest started to throb in pain.

"ouch. i can feel your pain by 50%," san could hear yeosang start to breathe heavier than he usually did. 

san didn't want to attract anymore unnecessary attention, so he endured the pain and tried not to show it in any way. he was pretty good at enduring pain, plus it wasn’t really that painful(at least to san).

"aw. i don't want to spoil the fun for you just one day in this universe. oh well,"

w-what fun is there to spoil?

"i really want to tell you, but i'm nice so i won't. you'll have to figure it out yourself!"

what! aren't you here to help me figure things out!

"you're right! but i assist you in figuring them out. i've already given you a big clue, actually,"

ugh, damn it. the pain won't stop. i hate this.

"oh, you won't. it's gonna stop in a few seconds. about time, now!" yeosang giggled and appeared in mini-form on san's desk. he sat comfortably on the little space between san's index and thumb that was gripping a pen.

there was a knock on the door and a familiar boy entered without waiting for a response or whatsoever. he swept his hand across his soft, black hair through the middle as he looked up from the book he was holding. his hair fell back down on his eyes lightly, making him look attractive as f. just that simple gesture made san's chest throb a little more. maybe his heart had accelerated, too.

"hi, miss yoo. you forgot your book back in class 1D," his silvery voice somehow soothed the pain by a lot.

"ah, thank you wooyoung! i was wondering where i had misplaced it. you may return to your class now," miss yoo dismissed him quickly and san somehow felt a little sad.

"please be careful next time!" wooyoung bowed his head and left the room. immediately, girls around him started to discuss.

"wtf was that!!!!!! he just did that thing, right???"

"yesss!!!! that was totally the killing move!!! omg his hand though!!!"

"omg he's kiling me!!!! so sexy!!!"

um. he rolled his eyes, but can't help but feel a little... annoyed? or...

"jealous. you're jealous," yeosang had hopped off his hand, chuckling.

of what?

"jealous for. not of,"

what?

"forget it. you'll know someday," yoesang took one last look at him and disappeared in thin air.

hey, wait! help me pull out the information screen and check that boy's details!

"of course. but you can call him by his name, though,"

yeah, yeah.

jung wooyoung... he hadn't met someone with this name in his past life. not even on the job.

"here you go, information about him!"

jung wooyoung, 15.

birthday: 26 november

soulmate: -

mother, father, younger brother

likes chicken, dislikes spiders etc

mutual friends: yunho, mingi, seonghwa, hongjoong

he knows yunho? how come i didn't even know that?

"yeah. about the letter... you really can't recall? not even in this life's memories?"

san frowned, thinking again. he shook his head.

"okay, look. you made a bet with mingi that if the cafeteria sold beef this week, you'd do anything he says. so that dumbass dared you to write a love letter to wooyoung, whose popularity among the girls and even the seniors, is huge,"

oh... so that's what the letter is all about.

"oh yeah. one more thing–the events that occur in this universe won't really match up with the ones in your original universe. so don't bother searching your past memories next time," yeosang chuckled, turning off the virtual screen.

"that's all for today. please go home and work on pages 40 to 43," miss yoo's voice suddenly came into focus after all this time. seems like yeosang has also retreated.

"hey! thanks for earlier, buddy! i'll help you with that letter as promised!" yunho winked and swung an arm around san's neck.

"uh... hahah, no thanks. i think i'd rather write it myself," san smiled awkwardly, rejecting his offer. it would be weird for someone else to write your own love letter, anyway.

"woah, you're really serious on this? y'know, it doesn't matter if you don't write it. i can always tell mingi-"

"nah. i'll just do it, since i've already agreed. don't wanna let him down,".

"okay then. you do you, i guess. but you do sound like you kinda like him," yunho whispered, giggling.

"wooyoung?" right after he finished his sentence, his face started to heat up.

"wow, wow, wow! we have a situation here!" yunho exclaimed, patting san's back.

"wow, wow, wow, what's going on?" mingi, who had just entered their class for his next lesson started to holler at the top of his lungs. everyone in the classroom started to look at the trio.

"oh, would you shut up, song," san groaned, rolling his eyes.

"mingi! san might have a crush!" yunho had stood up beside mingi and leaned close to his ear, whispering.

"oooh! on jung?"

"yes!!!!"

"..." san was speechless.

"that's great then! i'm the one who brought y'all together, shouldn't you treat me something?" mingi teased, swinging an arm around san just like yunho did earlier.

"oh, what period is it now? it's chemistry, right? toodles, i'm off to my next location!" san ignored both of their protests and stormed out of the classroom. 

“hey, choi san! you’d better treat me to lunch tomorrow!” mingi shouted gravelly as he watched san leave.

 once he was fully out of the class, he revealed a small smile. yunho and mingi were still the same old annoying kiddos. “hey, choi san! you better treat me to lunch tomorrow!”

there was once where san had showed this new girl around school because she bumped into him while being lost. the two boys teased him about it for the next few days or so. thinking back, san didn’t really mind back then. so why did he mind so much now? besides, they were a bunch of high school kids who were growing up, after all. 

before san could think of anything else, he felt a dull pain on his chest. 

“ah... i’m sorry, i wasn’t paying attention-agh!” it was wooyoung. he suddenly clutched his stomach in pain and collapsed to the floor. it was as if he had food poisoning. 

“h-hey, what’s wrong?” san shouted tremulously, holding wooyoung up from his shoulders. should he bring him to the nurse’s office? should he report to a teacher first?

wooyoung’s breath started to get heavier and san could see that a thin layer of sweat had formed on his forehead. without a thought, san placed wooyoung’s arm around his neck and carried him up on his arms. 

“i-i’m fine, you d-don’t have to bring me anywhere,” wooyoung said breathily, tapping lightly on san’s chest. however, san didn’t slow down at all. “no, i insist! what if there’s something wrong-”

“no, no, i’m really fine now. you can put me down,” wooyoung strangulated, using more force to hit san’s chest now.

“what? but what if it comes back-” san was cut off yet again. 

“i’m sure it won’t. this has happened before. i know this feeling,” somehow, wooyoung’s face was red and was still breathing heavily.

“your condition. i don’t trust you. what if this time it continues? nope, i’m not letting that happen,” san’s tone was strict, but was filled with nothing but gentleness. 

“...you idiot,”

next ->

#ateez #wooyoung #choi san #yunho #mingi #yeosang #woosan #fluff #high school au #soulmate au #transmigration #ateez au #ateez fanfic #kpop #fanfiction

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #10 (plus some nuggets of cheeriness and tidbits of gloominess)

Eeee! I’ve been feeling quite the bit more chipper this week me thinks, I feel my efforts and confidence have grown some and even my sis has been noticing and congratulated meeeee ;w; I hope this continues onto next week and beyond! To infinity and beyond! ^^ (Too bad it doesn’t help my terrible memory all that much tho but hmm feels good, man lol and I did make sure to write a few notes so that’s something! :D)

So, my 10th appointment. It actually went pretty good! That sheet which I had to do with the emotions/thoughts/evidence columns and the sort of recap of what I learned, I did end up leaving them till last minute again (like literally less than an hour before the appointment, such badness ahh) but I scrawled it quick and I am so glad I write these posts here because without them I wouldn’t have remembered a lot of the stuff I needed to write! :3 Both physically and mentally, repetition is key! Accidental rhyming wheee!

So, as usual she asked how I was and I just said same-y same as usual, then we went over the sheet I wrote on. She told me to read them out to her and it kinda felt like uhhh but I guess it’s better than her attempting to read my scrawly writing haha. I didn’t read them word for word and some sections were omitted because she asked me for specific columns and stuff though but the main stuff got across. I re-wrote the few things I wrote on the previous sheet, about me going to shops on my own and walking to the post office and trying to converse with customers.

Generally with all of those situations and other similar ones my feelings would be stuff like ‘anxious, tense, nervous, self-conscious, tense, alert, awkward’ rated at a score of something between 80-95% and my thoughts were things like ‘they’re probably wondering what I’m doing there’, ‘they probably think I’m weird/awkward/look a mess or am even stealing’, ‘maybe someone will recognise me or can see I’m anxious’. The evidence to support this was uh, well, tbh I think I wrote nothing (or very little) and I kinda expected this in a way but I guess it depends on how hard you try to nitpick and negatively view the smaller details. 

The lesson is not to speculate and not jump the gun and make all these negative assumptions. Those irrational thoughts up in your mind have no real support, proving they hold not truth and are not to be listened to. They shouldn’t hold you back from doing things you want to do because they’re not real, just your mind conjuring ways to try bring yourself down with false beliefs of things based on past negative things and things that will never actually happen. You ain’t fooling no one no mores mr.snarky pants negative mind! >3<

I did manage to go to the post office again on my own, this time to post something and it went pretty smoothly, except on the way back this one random guy smoking outside his house commented to me something like ‘you should smile, you’ll get up the hill’ and then I kind of awkwardly smiled and walked past quickly and he was like ‘that’s better’. I was walking up a kind of hilly street, maybe a bit huffy looking and deep in concentration, when I saw that guy (he was conversing with someone else at first) and made eye contact a few metres away I actually did try to make myself smile a bit, but I was still feeling kind of tense (especially in my walking too) and I guess my super resting bitch face just didn’t shift and so came the awks.

Because of all the shizz in my past it instantly made me think he was well, mocking me about my appearance, but I pushed that aside immediately because I know this is just a negative assumption, but still I kept thinking back on it and feeling uncomfortable, especially because I actually kind of tried but the opposite happened, sucks. The counsellor told me that she had a similar situation in the past (except it was a gesture to smile while in her car on the road) and at first she felt kind of annoyed and was like wtf because whether she smiled or not was not this person’s business and she needn’t follow a strangers instruction. Yeah, that’s the feeling I had too exactly. But she said that even though this happened, she didn’t let it get to her and ruin her day and even though she wanted to flip him off she just ignored him (she talked quite colloquially and it was pretty awesome lol)

On the other hand though, I do definitely see the comment I got could have been something intended to genuinely try encourage me or cheer me up and I just took it the wrong way at first (though the comment it self is kinda uncomfortably worded imo). I don’t want to overanalyse the words or situation too much though, but I do feel it leans way more to the positive intention, or that’s what I’m gonna stick with, gotta not let my mind make it a negative. Anyways I got past that and idc about it anymore bc it’s true, it’s my face and imma do whatever I want with it *glares infinitely with short sightedness*. I remember reading an article online in the past about people expecting women to be all smiley all the time or something but who on earth would even be able to smile 24/7 and anyways do everything for yourself as always. 

Even the counsellor agreed that no one could walk around smiling all the time, but when you do smile, even a forced one, it is proven to make you feel a little more happy and it sure does, helps me feel a little more confident and positive too. My sis says she has problems with smiling a lot and sometimes asks me how she looks and I’ve read other people struggle with it to and have to practice it. I’ve kinda been inadvertently practicing it myself, but never really held one out in public unless I genuinely felt cheerful, though lately I have been trying to get more comfortable with it and it’s going alright. Being more observant of others and the little things that naturally bring smiles helps too, there’s a lot to appreciate out there like the pretty scenery and weather, cute kiddies and elderly people, it gives back the feeling that everything’s not all that bad out there and that there’s a lot more things to smile about ^^

Anyways back to what I was saying about the sheet. There was also a column supporting against the thoughts and I put some things like ‘no one recognised me or approached me about things’ (maybe excluding dat 1 guy of course lol) and there was a column for a more realistic view on things and I wrote stuff like ‘everyone is busy doing their own thing’ (aka. no1curr lol) then proceeded to re-score my feelings and they dropped down to something between the range of uhhh ‘30-70%’ (I don’t have the sheet on me so moar memory fails lol). It shows that everything is actually nowhere near as bad as you’d assume, if you never tried you wouldn’t have been able to see this and would have been stuck still thinking the same catastrophic things and even escalating them further and scaring yourself more. You need to take a more realistic view on things, base things on facts and not believe what you hear from the dark space in your head or see through pessimism clouded glasses.

During all this discussion she praised me a lot, told me how far I’ve come and I was like ‘uhh ahhh thanks’ and ‘it’s thanks to you’ and she was like no no it’s all your doing >< She also praised me about going to the shoe shop and getting my refund (lol) and going to other places especially on my own. I am very thankful for her help and her pushing me to get my lazy mopey ass up, counselling/therapy do recommend! ^^ I’m glad I decided to go and I’m glad I tried because it really helped me get out of this dark hole I fell in and lived in for so long, though I still roll back down there a lot but at least I know how to get out now! Only one session left, feel kind of sad about it *sigh* I kinda feel like I wanna gift something but idk if I should (or what I would give anyways, I’m so hella poor and indecisive rn) ;;

The next thing we did was talk about my next steps towards my goal of getting a job. She told me to volunteer at some places like charities so that I’d be able to gain the experience and have references. I took the idea on board but was thinking maybe I could get some work experience at where my sister works if possible. I’m kinda chickening out a little I know, but I have actually gained a little bit of experience from a charity shop before in the past during school time and I can’t say I loved the experience, not to say this time would be the same but idk... tbh I really like where my sis works, I would love to actually apply for it someday, to have a taste of it now would be very useful to me. Who knows how things will go or where I’ll be next, it could go really great if I try hard enough, I really need to believe in myself more and learn to just go with the flow.

My sis was feeling a bit sad about work lately though, that the pay is not high enough and said something to me like ‘if you were working we wouldn’t be struggling as much’ and it totally drained away any cheerfulness I had that day. If I could have, I would’ve been working years ago like I wanted to, it’s just... ahhhhh..! *eternal wailing and angst*. My sister helps my parents financially often when needed and funds things for me too, there’s that feeling of me being a burden again, but I am trying this time..! Feels bad man ;; Now’s not the time to be falling back into gloominess, one of my biggest motivations to work and make money is so my parents won’t have to, so they can rest and have free time to have fun, so we can spend time together too! I want to be able to save up enough money so we can all go somewhere nice and afford nice things. I need to try much much harder, c’mon I can do it..!

She didn’t ask about the recap notes I was asked to write, so I prompted her about it and I’m glad I did (and didn’t just hope she forgot so she wouldn’t look at it like how I always tried to wiggle out of my homework being seen at school lol), because none of it was wrong or silly like I thought it may be, in fact it was great! (Hah! Eat those facts silly thoughts!). I read it all out and she was impressed and praised me about that too, that I had learned all these things and remembered them and taken them on board successfully. For next time I have a whole bunch of sheets to fill in, ones to do with what I’ve learned and my goals for the future etc. I‘m already feeling that mental fatigue just thinking about it, but I’m not gonna leave it till last minute this time! Time to break the habit and just do it!!

In my own time, I do feel I am more comfortable going out more, even though its just something as mundane as going to the supermarket, but not feeling so anxious or afraid feels great! I feel like I can almost be ‘normal’ in those kinds of environments. I went to the big shopping centre again, this time with my sis’s bf’s mum there too and I made lots of effort to converse with her even though I suck at speaking my second language, I tried real hard and it was good and my sis was impressed and even I’m proud of myself. I wanted to be less awkward with relatives and I feel I’ve begun to slowly bridge that gap lately, build up better relationships or impressions and such.

In the shopping centre I browsed around feeling pretty comfy and chipper, the only time I tensed a little was when buying food in a busy food court, passing some guys (lame I know) and when I had some awk but kinda comically awkward moments with the store guy at this shoe shop I went to, but I tried real hard there too and I successfully got some shoes in the end for me (and my mum too) and they were much comfier than that previous shop I had to refund to lol! I still haven’t worn them out yet and they are still a lil snug for me but I hope they loosen a little over time and become real comfy like the old ones I have and wear all the time. (Afterwards I noticed that guy at the shoe shop reaaaally reminds me of this one from one of those viral twitter posts too and I can’t unsee it lmaooo xD)

I feel like I’ve been taking care of myself a bit better, so my appearance improved a little and my self confidence has gone up a little more which is also why I’m feeling better about going out. I wanna continue to try do things to improve myself, for myself! As with everything, the more effort, the better the result! :D I want to stop bringing up excuses for why I can’t go out or do things, because there is nothing really stopping me but myself and my habitual unwillingness. I can do everything if I put my mind to it hoo! (Or maybe not put my mind to it? You know ‘cause it likes to go off on it’s own spiral of doom haha)

I also baked the same cookies I made previously but with an improved/non-improvised recipe and it turned out even better omnomnom ^^ I also tried making hummus and well it wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad, it was good for a first try! I wanna try make something else next, I’m pumped! Keep trying, keep learning! :D

In my art related postings, I’m still kind of hibernating and I really really hate that I’m still like this, I’m still seriously overthinking things here and it makes me so mad at myself uuuugh! I keep itching to comment on things too but have been holding myself back there too cause I still feel ashamed and am just hiding and avoiding again. I keep waiting for the motivation to come or a spell of confidence or even numbness to the fear of judgement but it’s just wasting more time because I’m not doing or moving forward. I don’t want to be too hard on myself though, because the other things have been taking up my time and thought space and are technically much more important but I do want to also get somewhere with this too. Man, I’m such a frustrating person .___.”

I read somewhere recently that motivation only really comes after you tried and showed yourself you can do it and then it spurs you on. I feel this is very true. Even though I have not been able to sit down and commit myself to drawing or experimenting with mediums seriously yet, I’ve still done some small comforting doodles on scraps when driven by my feelings or boredom and even though they aren’t the most beautiful and detailed things, I still like them and impressed myself a little too, it does make me want to try some more. So why aren’t I doing so? Remember it doesn’t have to be perfect silly me! It doesn’t matter what other people think! Do it for yourself! >w<

Now that I’ve written this post imma do something good and useful and fulfilling! I’ll either fill in those sheets for next week, do some art related things or spend time with my parents! I can do it! I’m doing well! I can do even better! Go go go! *^*

Have a great evening! Keep going! ^^

#therapy #avpd #social anxiety #anxiety #depression #thoughts #feelings #family #nothing ventured nothing gained #baby steps #don't miss out on nice things because of those nasty little irrational thoughts #view everything from a realistic pov #it's okay for things to not be perfect #you're stronger thank you think #keep growing #go with the flow #believe in yourself #try your best! #you can do it! #let's art and kick ass!