#sorry im working on my final research paper im in a writing mood

[spooksier]

also btw that passage about media consumption as activism and the idea of "gayboring" (this post) are twin sisters to me because when you see media consumption as activism and therefore as a reflection of real life, any gritty or unsavory or "weird" aspects of any marginalized culture/community gets completely sanitized in favor of portraying an "ideal" form of that community in the eyes of consumerism (i.e.: boring and safe and non-confrontational)

#text! #might need to write a whole paper about 'gayboring' as a concept because it is....it's so prevalent rn....... #ofmd s2 and wwdits post-s2. who said that. #not to say they're bad stories just that they (in my humble onion) are using queerness to avoid actually writing plots #bc who needs plots when you have ao3 tropes lol #it's literally why i stopped advertising myself as a 'queer artist/trans artist/black artist' bc its being turned into a selling point #rather than a real life #(again in my humble onion) #sorry im working on my final research paper im in a writing mood

[ladynoirelf]

Dark Crystal Tik-Tok challenge: Calling s/o the wrong name.

Deet to Rian:

Deet was writing up her midterm paper comparing Stonewood and Grottons weapons for her elective history class. Thanks to Rian and Ordon, Deet had tons of research material to work with thanks to Ordon’s collection and Rian’s expertise. Though she was having a bit of trouble remembering what a specific sword was used for. She also made a mental note to call up Amri and see if he could send her a picture of his family’s old bombs that they used. She called to her boyfriend:

“Amri! I-I mean Rian”!

“Amri”!?

Oh crud.

Rian walked out in robe, pink facial mask on and his hair tucked under a towel.

“Of all the names to call, you call Amri? Your EX”?!

“Im so sorry”.

“Amr-Does Amri sounds like Rian? D-Do I look like an egotistical grottan with a bad haircut who makes horrible fashion choices ”?

“Hey”!

“Oh don't defend him Deethra, short or long just pick man”!

Deet stifled the growing lump of a laugh in her throat. “He was on my mind, I meant to call your name-”.

“Why was he on your mind? Why are you thinking about your ex-boyfriend when you have all this”?! Rian circled his hand around himself.

“I need help with my paper”. Deet giggled, finding humor in her boyfriend’s reaction.

“No you know what, get an F”.

“Huh”?!

“Yeah, you want to hurt your boyfriend’s feelings, you get privileges taken away. No more help, no more access to the family weaponry, you want help you get Amri”. With a final humph and quick tightening of his robe, he left Deet alone cackling on the bed.

 Rian to Deet:

After a successful date, Deet recommended that they grab some burgers and fries from Wimpy. 

Deet was driving despite Rian’s gentle protest, but the young Grottan loved using the car since it took to roads so well compared to a Grottan vehicle that was more suited for the paved sirt of her hometown. The problem was that Deets turns were quite harsh and sharp as if she was still trying to trek through the caves roads.

Rian held on to the coat handle for dear life as Deet skidded the car into the parking lot, nearly knocking over one of the trashcans by the outdoor seatings.

“For the love of Thra! Mira you're gonna kill us”! Rian screeched just as Deet spiraled to park perfectly.

“Who”? Deet put the car in park, brows raised in question.

“Huh”?

“D-Did you just call me by your ex-girlfriend's name”?

Did he? He was too terrified for his life to even comprehend what he was saying.

“Did I”?

“Yeah, did my driving make you think of her”? Deet grinned leaning in close to a flustered Rian, who was clutching his thumping heart. 

“Probably, she drove crazy like you. Though she didn't have an excuse she just liked giving me a scare”.

“Awww, you’re still going to introduce me to her right? She sounds fun”. Grinned Deet, grabbing her purse from the back seat.

“Oh yeah, she’ll love you”. Rian breathed, shakingly getting out of the car. 

His legs were so wobbly Deet had to help him inside the restaurant.

 Brea to Kylan:

Brea was on her phone while Kylan was at the foot of the bed folding their laundry. 

As she scrolled through her phone, she got an email from her friendly ex, Rek’yr. Apparently, he had tickets to a museum benefactor gala. He was going to go with his plus one but apparently, they had to cancel. So Rek’yr decided to offer the two tickets for her and Kylan to use. Delighted by an evening out, Brea immediately accepted the offer.

“Rek’yr what are you doing on Friday”?

“...”

“...”

“A-Are you...Were you addressing me”?

Brea slowly looked up from her phone, mortified as she realized her error. Kylan looked at her, a mix of confusion and hurt on his face.

“... I am so sorry”.

“I-Its fine, i guess. I mean...It was a mistake right”?

“Yeah”. Brea’s lips quivered, tear bubbles forming in the corner of her eyes. Kylan cooed, pulling her into his arms he rubbed her back as she began to cry.

“Shhh, it's okay Brea, I know it was a mistake”.

“I-I-Im so sorry”. She wailed, clutching Kylan’s snotty shirt.

“There is nothing to be sorry for Princess”. Kylan sweetly assured, kissing her temple as she continued to cry in shame.

Completely forgetting about the tickets.

 Kylan to Brea:

As much as Kylan was getting used to Brea’s family members randomly coming over to their apartment, It was a hassle when one of her sisters just came over randomly. The latest ‘visitor’ was Brea’s second older sister, Tavra.  Who apparently stopped by to drop off some leftovers she thought he and Brea might like then left in a hurry. 

So when he heard the door open, he assumed it was Tavra coming back for something.

“Did you forget something Katavra”?

“Excuse me, Ka-who”?

Kylan looked from his book to his girlfriend's confused frown. Brea pushed her sunglasses over her eyes, hands on her hip and amber eyes narrowed.

“Who is Katavra”?

“W-Wha”?

“You heard me”. Brea sauntered over, her intimidating demeanor forcing Kylan to scramble to the side of the couch. “Who is Katavara”?

“Is this a trick question or are you having fun with me”?

“Kylan, do I look like I'm having fun with you”. Brea leaned over, caging Kylan with her petite body. “I'll ask again.Who.Is.Katavra”?

“...Your sister”. Kylan warily answered.

Brea blinked, irritation morphing into realization. Her mouth opened in an “oh”.

“You mean Tavra”?

“Did you forget your sister’s name”?

“Well I mean, no one calls her Katavra so...Yeah I forgot her name. Sorry larva”.

“For the love of Thra woman”.

 Mothria to Gurjin:

The best thing about being chosen to dance in the Sog community’s up-and-coming festival was that Mothria had an excuse to ditch Pop-Pa’s excruciating farmwork. To replace it with an excruciating hour of practice, though it's not all bad. It was nice to spend time with Naia, as both of them were partnered up to dance the part of the maiden. Although, having your ex-boyfriend as the head director can be quite awkward. Thankfully, Geal was very professional and only talked to her when needed.

Unfortunately, when Mothria got home after a long rehearsal her greeting was a little off.

“Geal I'm home, wanna get take out”?

“The FUCK you just call”?

Mothria stiffened as Gurjin stomped over to the foyer, arms crossed and eyes burning with anger.

“Did I call you Gael by accident”?

“Yeah, you did”.

“I messed up bad huh”?

“Mm-hm”.

“Couch tonight”?

“I'll get it set up for you”.

Mothria didn't move as Gurjin’s locs hit her snout as he swiftly turned to march to the linen closet.

“I love you”. She called.

“Love you too, but you're still on the couch tonight”.

 Gurjin to Mothria:

If there was one thing Gurjin liked doing, it was messing with Mothria when was in a pissed mood. Not to pissed that would kick him out the loft, but pissed enough to at least get kicked out of the room for thirty minutes to an hour.

And he cooked up the perfect way to agitate his love moth even more.

His ‘victim’ was sitting at the kitchen island on her phone probably venting to his twin. With natural born charm, Gurjin slid to Mothria’s side wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders.

“Hey, Lovemoth, why so sad”?

“Oh, just dealing with family drama Gur-Gur”. She sighed, leaning into his touch “Not to be a brat but can you cuddle me later. We can watch whatever I just want snuggles”.

“Of course, Resha”.

Gurjin bursted out laughing as he was roughly shoved on his rump.

“I freaking hate you”! Mothria growled, stomping their shared bedroom after gently punching Gurjin below the belt.

“OOF”! Gurjin guffawed as he clutched his gentiles “M-Mothy what about cuddles and movies”? “You're banned from cuddles and movies! I'm going over to Naia’s”!

“Can I come”?

“NOOOOO, people who call me by ‘Resha’ don't get my love”!

The fuming Mothria stepped over her still laughing boyfriend who was now rolling on the floor. Grabbing her purse and keys.

“Love you”! Gurjin wheezed, tears in his eyes.

“Eat sog”! Screamed Mothria, slamming the apartment door. Leaving a chukaling Gurjin on his own for the next few hours.

#stonegrot #royalmelody #deet x rian #rian x deet #brea x kylan #kylan x brea #kylan #brea #Rian #deet #Deethra #gurjin #mothria #oc x canon #Dark Crystal #dark crystal age of resistance #dark crystal books #dark crystal novel #ladynoirelf

[imjeralee]

Comfort in Despair: Chapter 19 - “Just Friends”

Leon x F!Reader

Disclaimer: Do not own Pokemon

Summary:

Galar is rich in folklore and tales of the supernatural.

As a Pokemon Researcher who specialises in ghost types, this is a great opportunity for you to investigate and learn more about the paranormal.

Along the way, you meet Leon (in the most awkward way possible) who becomes embroiled in your adventures.

^ Basically this story is about ghosts :/

NOTE: I am going on a break, I’m going to take some time off this story and relax. 

Rating: General/Teen

@marydragneell​ here is the latest update

"Just Friends"

…

…

[From: Jace

Text message

Wed, 14, 4.57PM.

Hey chuck!!! How r u? Wanna meet up tomorrow? let me know if you're free! there's someone I want you to meet :)]

…

…

You’re slowly getting the hang of waking up in the morning and Jace has asked you to meet him today but prior to that, you have a window of opportunity to visit your mentor for a good hour or so.

The Corviknight taxi deposits you at the gates of Greyon's Cemetery; it is far more comforting to the eyes during the day, with the lack of ghost pokemon lurking within and the steely, heavy mist that swamps the entire the vicinity during late night hours.

Without further ado, you push the gates open and stroll inside, leisurely venturing down the twisted, stony path that leads to the mausoleum, glancing at the faded gravestones sticking out of the cold ground and the decorative sculptures with the overgrown moss and faded writing until you spot your mentor sleeping on the steps, clutching an empty can of beer to his chest whilst Absol curls up by his feet.

“Ezra?” you say aloud, and the old man responds with a snort and rubs at his nose briefly with his fingerless gloves before he sluggishly opens his eyes.

His gaze does not concentrate on anything in particular, even when you hop over and seat yourself on the stone steps by his side.

Emitting a low groan, Ezra sits up, cracks a few bones in his neck and shoulders at the same time and yawns loudly.

“Hnrgh…you’re here,” he grumbles raspily under his breath as he tosses the beer can away.

“Yeah," you reply, and Absol wakes up too, stretching on her front paws. She joins her master to sit upright on the steps and licks at her paw.

“What’re you doing here so early? It’s morning.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Hn. Trying to integrate back into society, are you?”

“I guess… actually, I’m not gonna work on any cases for the time being so there’s no need for me to keep going out at night. And I’m meeting Jace later.”

“I see. Good for you, kid.”

“Have you been eating well?”

Ezra gestures to his pile of booze that has been messily laid in front of a gravestone near the fountain and nods. Flicking his empty gaze to you, he assesses you quietly, rubbing his chin with one hand.

“Somethin’ about you seems different,” he says with a grunt, his white eyes sweeping over your form.

“What is it??”

He narrows his eyes and Ezra breezily pinpoints the shimmering bright light that surrounds your silhouette, convulsing and coiling and emitting from your very core. You’ve always had it but it seems stronger.

“It’s so bright. I’ve never seen anything like it before. What happened to you when you were at Rose’s art gallery?”

You’ve informed him previously that you were taking Rose’s case and so you tell him everything and gesture to your bandaged arm and he listens, occasionally nodding and taking swigs of a new can of beer and harrumphing at random times until you finish.

And when he hears that you expelled an evil spirit out of your body, he nods to himself. “Well done."

“Thank Ezra, but Leon helped me. If it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do it.”

“But you did, and that’s very impressive. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who has the ability to do that.”

You look at him in confusion, tilting your head to the side and he chuckles.

“You know what I’m talking about. Hell, maybe you’ll start seeing them in broad daylight like I do. From now on, be on your guard at all times. You need to proceed with caution; you might be able to see an’ hear more of ‘em often than you want.”

“...Is this what Rosie had too?”

He nods.

“And that’s why spirits were always attracted to her, why she was so vulnerable?”

A brief nod is your answer.

If only you had met Ezra earlier. He’s the only one who truly understands you and the pain and agony you’ve suffered. And if you had met him earlier, you could’ve brought Rosie to see him, he would’ve known what to do. He could’ve saved her.

He could’ve saved them all and-

Ezra slides a gnarled hand into the holey pockets of his duster and pulls out a folded talisman, nudging it to you. “Keep this on you at all times. It will protect you.”

“Thanks,” you utter as you pocket the talisman safely into your bag, “Ezra, do you think I should start looking for Dusknoir now?”

“Heh. You don’t need to ask me. You know what to do, and you know it’s nothing to do with the pokemon,” he says, before he fumbles his pockets for a cigarette and lights it up. Sucking a deep drag, he exhales with a heavy sigh, filling the atmosphere with a crisp and acrid stench, “I won’t sugarcoat it for you… It’ll come for you one day but when that day comes, I know you’ll be ready.”

You say quietly, “Hey...Ezra?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

He emits a soft hum under his breath. “…’welcome.”

“And uh, Spiritomb escaped too.”

He doesn’t appear surprised and waves his hand dismissively. “Yeah, I know. It’s fine, leave ‘im to me. I’ll take care of the bloody swirly bastard.”

As you nod, Ezra inhales another deep drag briefly before he splutters, hacking and heaving violently before a thin stream of red pools out from the corner of his cracked lips.

“Ah, fuck.”

Turning to the side, he spits some of the gunk out and wipes his chin whilst Absol begins purring loudly with concern.

“I’m fine,” he croaks out, coughing.

“No, you’re not. You need to go to hospital.”

When he’s finished coughing, he soaks up the rest of the cigarette and utters, “I’m going soon. Take a look at this.”

You are presented with a folded letter, you unfurl the paper to reveal an insignia of a hospital stamped at the top; you scan the remainder of the letter where there are several prevalent words along with some Braille.  

“Lung carcinoma??” you exclaim, eyes wide. "Cancer...?"

"Yeah."

Shaking your head in disbelief, you grow limp in your seat as you clutch the letter meekly in hands. It’s taunting you.

Everything is.

…

Ezra is dying.

He’s old and he’s aware he smokes and drinks like a degenerate.

It’s inevitable.

Laden with heavy thoughts, you arrive at Jace’s apartment in a dour mood; everything seems so insignificant as of now. Life is too short after all. You want to spend some more time with your mentor but he encouraged you to go and see your friend. So here you are.

And you certainly don’t reciprocate Jace’s huge grin when he opens the door after you’ve rung the doorbell.

“Chuck, you’re here!” he exclaims before he ushers you in.

He’s wearing his Ball Guy uniform, missing his mascot mask. The more you look at it, the more you just cannot get used to that red polo and shorts combo which is apparently an abomination to fashionistas.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, when he sees your darkened expression.

“N-nothing,” you say, forcing a smile.

He purses his lips but remains quiet when you reassure him once more that you’re fine. He’s not alone. There are two suitcases standing by his shoe rack and a huge Luxray snoozing on the couch. You recall he has a visitor from Sinnoh and he wants you to meet someone and so you spot this friend standing in the kitchen with his back to you and when he turns round, a pair of cerulean eyes meets yours and you grow still on the spot.

Jace is quick to get you back on the move, steering you towards his direction with hands planted on your shoulders.

“Yo Volkner, I want you to meet my friend!!!!”

When you’re finally in front of the young man, your gazes meet for a second time. The young man has blonde hair fashioned in a spiked style and you’re quite certain you have seen him before perhaps from a magazine or a website. He’s dressed in a black v-neck shirt and dark blue denims, with a light blue coat slung over one shoulder.

“Chuck, right?” he says. He has a smooth voice, deeper than Jace's. More mature.

“Noooo, that’s just my nickname for her. Her name is-”

As Jace speaks, he is drowned by the sounds of a horn blaring noisily from a truck that passes the flat.

Regardless, Volkner nods.

You look at Jace questioningly who merely grins at you and winks. For you to hear, he says, “Volkner can be a little aloof but he’s a great guy.”

Then he pats you on the shoulder and beams widely at the two of you.

“Let me fill you in. Chuck, I’m really sorry, but I need a favour from you. I asked if you were free today because my good buddy Volkner needs a grand tour of Wyndon and of course I was supposed to do it and it would've been nice if we all went together but my stupid boss just called me and demanded me to go to work right now.”

You blink sluggishly. “Oh…I’m so sorry, Jace.”

“It’s alright; Volkner understands and doesn’t mind; it would be great if you could show him around for the time being. He was the guest judge for the Beauty Pageant but he got this fancy ride to the stadium and back so he doesn't remember how to get there; you could quickly show him Wyndon Stadium, and he’s got a meeting at the Rose of the Rondelands too so if you could show him that and also the-“

“Jace,” Volkners says.

“Yeah?”

“….I can take it from here.”

“Okay, okay,” Jace nods and grabs his Ball Guy mask that was sitting on the floor, along with his bag, “Sorry chuck.”

“It’s okay, Jace. I don’t mind showing Volkner around.”

“Thanks chuck! Thank you so much!”

Flicking a quick glimpse to Volkner, you gulp inwardly when your heart appears to quicken as he levels your gaze once more.

Volkner is good-looking. Tall, blonde, handsome and lean, you cannot help but stare as he sets his mug down on the counter and offers you his hand. You slide your hand into his and as he shakes your hand, he says, “I’m Volkner. I’m the gym leader of Sunyshore City. Do you like electric type pokemon?”

Jace groans incoherently and Volkner throws him a sideways glance.

“What?” asks the gym leader.

Exasperated by his actions somehow, Jace can only shrug and shake his head whilst you reply, “I heard you constructed your gym puzzle out of sheer boredom. Is that true?”

“Yes, that's correct.”

“Oh, okay. That’s cool. I’m a ghost-type researcher. Here’s my card,” you delve into your bag and procure a nice and shiny card for him to take.

“Ghost-types, huh?” he murmurs as he twirls your business card front and back with his long fingers.

“Yeah.”

“What pokemon do you have?”

“I have a Gengar, Mimikyu and a Runerigus at hand right now.”

“Your Gengar,” Volkner says, “What moves does he know?”

“Shadow Ball, Confuse Ray….Dark Pulse…and he also knows this psychic move but I actually don’t know what it is. He used it when we were in this cave and we were getting attacked by snow but somehow he stopped all the snow particles in mid-air and reversed it.”

“It was probably ‘Psychic’.”

“Yeah, it probably was.”

“Did you know Gengar can learn Thunder Punch, Thunderbolt and Thunder via TM?”

“No, I did not.”

“Do you want him to learn? It could help vary his techniques so he can face off against various opponents.”

“That’s a good point but I don’t know, I’ll have to ask him.”

“Sure, let me know. I have some spares which I can share with you.”

“That would be very nice.”

“They’re powerful moves. One can say they’re shocking.”

Despite delivering that line with a straight face, Jace, who has been listening to your conversation silently, cannot help but grimace and tiredly rolls his eyes whilst you blink for a brief moment or so before you chuckle and Volkner cracks a smile at your response.

Jace ceases his wincing and gapes at you two in bewilderment, having witnessed your entire interaction.

“Oh.... my….Arceus,” he breathes, swapping alarmed glances between you and Volkner, “I was right. Holy Mudkip! Well, you two seem to get along great! I-I need to go to work right now!”

“Okay,” you reply, “Leave Volkner with me. He’ll be in good hands.”

“Thanks, chuck! See you around!”

“Bye Jace,” you and Volkner bid your friend farewell and Jace rushes out of his apartment with his Ball Guy mask and bag under one arm, whooping loudly.

“I wonder what that was all about,” you reply, before you glance up at the blonde and he throws his glimpse to you, “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine,” Volkner replies, gently sliding his hands into his pockets, “So Miss Tour Guide, where shall we head to first?”

Volkner’s a pretty busy guy, you recall. He has a lot to do during his time here.

“I’ll take you to Wyndon Stadium first, we’ll walk along the promenade where you can see the river and the ferris wheel. We can visit Rose Tower if you’re interested, then we'll pop by Rose of the Rondelands and we can also grab a bite to eat if you get hungry. I know a good place.”

“Lead the way,” he replies, and he recalls Luxray after a brief introduction to the gleaming eyes pokemon, then lets you leave the apartment first. You both exit Jace’s apartment and onto the main street.

With Volkner lingering by your side, you make your way to the promenade, showing him the street signs should he ever find himself in Wyndon on his lonesome.

“It’s easy to get lost here,” you say, and Leon briefly pops up in your mind.

Ah, Leon.

You hadn’t heard from him since this morning.

You wonder how he’s doing.

You want to see him.

“It’s this way, right?” Volkner says, bringing you out of your thoughts.

“Ah, yes, that’s correct.”

The streets are heavily populated today and many people stare as you stroll along. They can tell he’s not from Galar, possibly due to his hairstyle and fashion. However, he doesn’t respond to their staring and pads along you with his hands in his pockets, drinking in the scenery and the architecture.

“How did you become a ghost-type researcher?” he asks.

“My family specialises in ghost-types and I’ve always felt drawn to them.”

“If you ever visit Sinnoh, I’ll introduce you to Fantina. You would have a lot to talk about,” Volkner replies, and when he sees your clueless expression, he adds, “she’s the gym leader of Hearthome City. She uses ghost-types and she can see spirits, so I guess you can as well?”

Volkner does not beat around the bush.

Surprisingly enough, you don’t find yourself feeling too uncomfortable and so you nod, “…I can, yeah.”

You wonder what response you will elicit; maybe he’d laugh or shrug you off and tell you he doesn’t believe in ghosts.

But instead he says, “What do they look like?” and you gawk at him.

No-one has ever asked you this before.

“It depends. Sometimes they appear exactly the way they were when they died. Others appear polished and clean, looking as they did in a particular point of their life….usually when they were most happiest. They’re usually transparent….then there are evil spirits, who are so warped by evil they lose shape and form and appear as either a black mass or scrawling dark shadows.”

Now that you’re talking about ghosts again, you cannot seem to stop.

“Actually, before I came here to see you and Jace, I visited my mentor and he said I might begin to see them during broad daylight too, which is disturbing because usually entities are more active and make their presences known at night, and that’s why I’m always investigating at late hours and usually I’m not even awake during the day.”

Volkner absorbs it and you’re waiting for him to say something to you somewhere along the lines of you being a kook or whatnot but nothing of that sort happens and again, you’re astounded when you realise he has not come under the impression that you are unhinged.

“I see. That’s interesting. It must be tough for you right now to show me around at this time.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m actually on a break right now so I’m trying to come out more during the day.”

“Is that so?”

You nod. “Did Jace tell you?”

“What?”

“We just got discharged from hospital; I took a case and it ended up…well, I wouldn’t say it ended badly but me and Jace did get hurt.”

“Yes, he told me but he said he’s unharmed. Is that the reason why your arm is bandaged?”

“Yeah. I’ve got stitches.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”

“Uh….”

You’re a little apprehensive but considering he’s been rather open with you, you decide to tell him about Rose’s case and the haunted art gallery.

You breeze along the promenade; there is a separate strip for cyclists who speed past you in their triathlon gear and runners jog together, chatting amiably about gym battles and the Beauty Pageant. Several passerbys walk with their Stoutlands and some ladies with prams huddle together in one corner under a lamppost whilst a poor boy up ahead is being dragged all over the place by his energetic Boltund as it dives headfirst into a group of Pidoves.

As you talk, Volkner is listening though his expression remains impassive and generally hard to read. You cannot help but think he is perhaps bored until he sees an old gentleman sitting on a bench playing an accordion.

A Mr Rime tap-dances with its cane in tune to the music whilst some people strolling by flip pennies into a hat on the ground near its feet.

A short distance away, a group of buskers stand inside a gazebo decorated with white and pink flowers, singing an old song with their instruments. Volkner observes before he heads towards the direction of the crowd.

“Wait up,” you say as you hurry after him. He walks fast.

Once you’re at the gazebo, you both find a good spot to listen; he stands stiffly beside you with his arms crossed though there’s a small smirk gracing his face. You’re not alone; there are many people standing and listening with their children and pokemon. When they finish their piece, the crowd cheer and whilst some stay, the majority disperses.

“You don’t see that often in Sinnoh.” Volkner mutters, before he tosses a coin for the buskers.

And the walk continues.

You inhale some crisp clear air and exhale contently. Wyndon is lively today and the weather is wonderful; the sky is blue and clear and the sunlight is warm but perfect, gently prickling on your skin. A flock of Wingull can be heard cawing as they soar through the air effortlessly on their elongated wings whilst a Pelipper or two eye a local fish and chip stall.

If only Leon was here, you think.

You pass an ice-cream stall which you ogle for longer than intended; you recall you haven’t had one for some time and suddenly Volkner says, “Would you like one?”

“...Sure.”

He asks you what flavour you want and when you tell him, he goes up and orders one for you but not for him. You offer to pay but he’s already handing over the amount. You thank him as the ice-cream is pressed into your hand, and he tells you to enjoy it but you feel strange.

If Leon was here, we’d both have one or we’d be sharing…

Your expression falls upon this thought.

Wyndon Stadium soon looms into view.

He hasn’t seen anything like it before and you allow Volkner a few moments to marvel the exterior during the daytime before heading inside.

You’re surrounded by images of Leon from all four corners whether it be from the electronic billboards, TV screens, posters and portraits, which makes your heart flutter and you spot the same kiosk you had purchased some Leon merchandise before except this time the line is even bigger and there’s a Leon body pillow on display as well as a life-sized Leon cardboard cut-out. Lots of girls are queuing up to take photos.

Jace is there in his Ball Guy persona, and you see his boss standing at the door so unfortunately he cannot talk to either of you but he does wave. You wave back and Volkner strolls up to the front desk where a Macro Cosmos employee greets him.

“Welcome to Wyndon Stadium! How may I help you?”

“I'm Volkner. I’m here to register for the exhibition match.”

“Oh! Mr Volkner, I should’ve known! Yes, of course. Wait right here, let me get the paperwork.”

Goddamnit, you really hate that word now. As you idle beside Volkner, you ask, “Who’s your opponent?”

“The Champion of Galar.”

You almost choke on your spit as you splutter out in disbelief, “Leon!?”

“Yeah,” Volkner replies, as the employee hands him a pen and the aforementioned papers which are collected inside a clear file which he proceeds to look over before he fills in the blanks.

The employee moves away to give him some space as he writes down his pokemon team and other useful information before he’s given a Dynamax band which he eyes a little warily.

“…..I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this but as a representative of Sinnoh, I’ll do my best," he murmurs.

“Of course.”

“Will you cheer for me?”

“HUH? Oh, uh…..um….but I don’t even have a ticket,” you babble out, but then you recall that Leon gave you a Wyndon stadium pass but before you can mention it, Volkner pulls out a flimsy sheet of paper from within the file and hands it to you.

“You do now.”

You gawk at the ticket that he’s presented. It’s a VIP ticket, reserved for the Sinnoh representative’s plus one. “Don’t waste it on me, Jace should get it-“

The employee returns and promptly talks over you. “Mr Volkner! The Champion is actually in the stadium and practising right now; I’m sure he’d love to meet you in person!”

"We've already met last night, but sure," Volkner nods in agreement and the employee lifts up the barricade, allowing entry. He passes and the Macro Cosmos guy looks at you with a brow raised. “She’s with me."

“Yes, of course, Mr Volkner. Do come in, both of you.”

You hope you don’t see Rose inside.

The Macro Cosmos employee guides you towards an elevator which takes you to a staff and contestants-only passageway that leads to a large corridor. Up ahead and you a see locker room. The corridor finishes with a large opening that reveals the spacious and grandiose pitch.

Volkner barely bats an eyelid to the ingenious architecture and once the employee guides you to the pitch, your breath closes up in your throat when you see Leon standing at one side of the gargantuan space, directing Charizard who is whirling around in the air, flapping his wings and zigzagging left to right.

The employee leads you over to the Champion who stops in mid-sentence and Charizard, with no further instructions, abruptly lands a short distance away.

Leon’s gaze lands on you and the surprise is evident on his handsome face; he prevents his jaw dropping in time and hastily glances between you and Volkner before ultimately tensing up on his spot. His fist clinches for a split second before relaxing, and he welcomes you both with a gentle smile.

“Hello Volkner.”

“Hi Leon.”

"It's nice to see you again."

"Likewise."

They shake hands as the employee leaves your group, slipping away quietly and unnoticed.

Meanwhile, Charizard appears elevated with your presence from out of the blue and bounds over, stomping on his bulky legs and huffing happily as he reaches your side and he begins to rub his snout all over the top of your head affectionately, messing up your hair.

“Hey Charizard,” you giggle with a huge smile on your face as you pet his leathery belly whilst Leon stares at you intently.

And then there’s Volkner and the Champion glances at the gym leader before his eyes flit back to you questioningly and it’s then you realise, oh crud I am with another guy what was I thinking? And Leon says, “Are you…?”

“She’s my tour guide,” Volkner replies, “You two know each other?”

It doesn’t sound like a question.

Leon nods. “We’re……...uh...” he struggles, “-friends.”

There is a brief silence.

Charizard does a double-huff, blinking wide-eyed and snorting in surprise at his best friend. Leon seems to have realised his mistake when he witnesses the happy expression on your face gradually dissolve and crumble.

“Ah, um….I mean, er…”

“Friends,” you say quickly, offering a thin and watery smile, “we’re just…friends. Um, I’ll wait for you at the elevator.”

“Sure,” says Volkner, before he adds, “We should go somewhere to eat after this.”

“Okay.”

Following your response, a look of devastation crosses Leon’s face but he is unable to say anything as you hastily make a beeline for the exit, nervously nibbling your bottom lip. Before you leave the pitch and head to the corridor however, a gorgeous young woman in a black dress and heels emerges from the elevator and breezes past you; it’s the beauty pageant winner from last night - Miss Hulbury, now affectionately crowned 'Miss Galar' by the public - and you watch as she rushes up to the pitch, stopping in front of Volkner and Leon.

You continue to observe as she greets them happily and they chat before her gaze lands on Leon and they are both smiling, laughing and chatting amicably together and you can only stare as they stand close and she keeps looking at him and suddenly your gut tightens up; you clench your fist before you turn round with a huff under your breath.

It's not like you to be jealous, but you can't seem to help it.

Beyond your control, you throw one final glance at the pitch where the Champion is; he’s talking to Miss Galar but then his gaze lands on you and you quickly look away and head for the lift.

Waiting for Volkner, you skulk around in the dark and shuffle your feet until he returns, which means Leon and Miss Galar are left alone together.

With no intent to pry into your relationship with Leon (which you are grateful for), you and Volkner make haste for the elevator but before either of you can take one step forwards, the sounds of rushing footsteps pervade the empty corridor and you both turn round to see Leon.

“Wait,” he calls your name as he stops shortly in front of you. He appears a little nervous as he adds, "can I talk to you, alone?"

Stunned, you nod mutely and he reaches for your hand, grasping it firmly with his and he leads you round an empty corner and away from Volkner.

You glance around awkwardly when he lets go of you, and he releases you rather hurriedly as though your hand was as hot as lava or whatnot, and you look up at him in confusion, your gazes meeting. He takes a step towards you and your back hits the wall as you automatically take a baby step back.

Leon's gaze is pinned on you, before he plants one hand by the side of your head and you quirk a brow at his action.

He's not caging you or anything, but he's still cut off one means of exit though you're not inclined to retreat in any way. His face is growing red as he scans you from head and toe, seemingly taken off guard by your appearance; you've put a strong effort into your looks and outfit today and it's rather obvious he's not used to seeing you during daylight hours and in nicer garb, and he clears his throat into his fist and nervously slides his gaze to the side.

"How's your head?" he asks firstly, and you unconsciously lift a hand and trace a finger over the healing wound on the side of your head.

"I'm alright."

"That's good," he says before he jumps right into it: "Are you really Volkner's tour guide?" he adds, a little sheepishly.

You nod. "He's Jace's friend. Jace asked me to meet him today, we were supposed to show Volkner around together but Jace got called into work at last minute so I'm helping out."

"Oh."

He sounds relieved and emits a sigh.

"For a moment, I really thought-" he pauses himself in time. "...Never mind. Forget it."

You resist the urge to grin because the thought of a potentially jealous Leon is rather entertaining and endearing.

"I'm sorry," he adds, flicking his honeyed eyes to you before he attempts to reach for your hand but somehow stops himself in time, choosing to curl his fist into a ball instead. "Please forgive me for what I said back there."

"Leon, it's fine," you reply, "I'm not angry. It'll take more than that to offend me."

But you think Charizard is, and you believe he could be thinking the same thing because he smiles awkwardly at you and rubs the back of his neck.

He's finally relaxing and proceeds to lower his glance to his feet but in fact, he's inching his hand closer to you as though he's hoping to hold it; you watch as he appears to mentally debate with himself before he eventually reaches for you and picks up your hand. You resist the urge to laugh out loud as Leon holds your hand gingerly before he shifts his gaze to you once more for your reaction although his gaze has become pinned onto your lips.

A reassuring smile is his answer which prompts him to grin and lean off the wall to slap his other hand over your entwined hands, casually bringing your hand against his chest. Your smile grows, cheeks growing pink and Leon's face grows ten shades redder, his pulse soaring.

He starts to lean in, your noses nudging together which makes you smile as you contemplate that Leon is attempting to kiss you yet the warmth of his lips continue to elude you as he tries to angle his face to the side in an effort to meet your lips better. The sounds of his thudding heart can be heard but what you really want right now is to feel the strong press of his mouth against yours yet he grows still.

And he doesn't move.

You say, a little expectantly, "Leon?"

"Y-yes?"

"What's the matter?"

"...Um..."

"Don't you want to k-"

Unfortunately you don't get the chance to finish because a tannoy goes off, announcing that Rose is looking for Leon and needs him to return to the pitch.

And so you sigh. He does not fail to notice your look of disappointment and he too, mirrors your expression.

"I should go," you say. Besides, this is probably not the best place to be smooching. Maybe he's thought of the same thing too and that's why he stopped.

"...Alright," he sounds reluctant and disappointed.

To your utmost astonishment, Leon does not release you just yet and instead, gives your fingers a light squeeze and leans over, his warm lips gently brush the shell of your ear as he murmurs, “Meet me at Wyndon Central Gardens, near the riverbank. I finish at seven.”

Then he lets go of you and sprints away.

It happened very quickly and quietly.

Your heart beats frantically but you manage to waddle back to the foyer where Volkner is. "Sorry to keep you waiting."

“No problem. Shall we go?” Volkner asks and you nod limply.

“Y-yeah, let’s go,” is your shaky response.

The employee is waiting for you; he takes you to the main lobby and to the counter where you are let through and you’re back in the eye of the public.

However, a pair of kids rushing with lemonades and soda pops in hands bumps into you from seemingly nowhere and their cold beverages spills all over your front from the impact.

“Sorry!” the kids exclaim as you stand limply, the front of your outfit completely soaked.

“Are you alright?” Volkner asks.

“Oh, uh, yeah, I-I’m fine, it’s-“

The temperature drops. Your heartbeat spikes, your pulse begins to race. A bead of cold sweat drips down your forehead and you look up, startled.

“What’s wrong?”

His voice grows distant as he speaks, fading into a quiet echo in the background as you blink numbly.

The lobby is packed with people, yet you can sense a bizarre presence nearby….a presence that does not belong there.

Eyes narrowing, you filter through the traffic, sifting through the crowds and crowds of bustling, bumbling people until a young girl with pink hair perusing a random kiosk with a Sylveon grabs your attention.

Behind her, a dark figure skulks.

This unsightly individual hovers uncomfortably close to the oblivious girl with her head lazily bent to the right although the more you look, the more you realise her neck is in fact, broken. The spirit is donned in torn clothing and drenched in blood, with deep and long gashes that strains the fabric. The face cannot be seen, covered by long and matted hair that reaches her elbows, with a floral hairclip clinging lifelessly to a thin group of strands.

It’s her.

She doesn’t belong here.

Ezra was right.

You can now see them in broad daylight.

Aware you are looking at her, the ghostly figure twitches and slowly lifts her head up and it’s then you see the extent of her injuries. You have never seen such an atrocity before; she has been bludgeoned beyond recognition. Her eyes are watery and pained gaze meets yours and her bluish lips curl into a smile for a moment, before she vanishes.

…

#leon #dande #leon x reader #leon x you #reader #reader insert #archive of our own #jeralee #fanfic #fic #pkmn #pokemon #pokemon sword #pokemon shield #pokemon sword and shield #Comfort in Despair

[sworntoprotect]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all had witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat. Long post!

MUN NAME: Pie     AGE: +25       CONTACT: IM, Ask, Discord (mutuals only, by request)

CHARACTER(S): Cullen

CURRENT FANDOM(S): Dragon Age

FANDOM(S) YOU HAVE AN AU FOR:  I have a modern verse for everything not Dragon Age, but I might add some actual alt verses for other fandoms

MY LANGUAGE(S): English (native), Spanish (intermediate), Korean (baby lol beginner), bits and bobs of other languages (namely French and French Patois)

THEMES I’M INTERESTED IN FOR RP: FANTASY / SCIENCE FICTION / HORROR / WESTERN / ROMANCE / THRILLER / MYSTERY / DYSTOPIA / ADVENTURE / MODERN / EROTIC / CRIME / MYTHOLOGY / CLASSIC / HISTORY / RENAISSANCE / MEDIEVAL / ANCIENT / WAR / FAMILY / POLITICS / RELIGION / SCHOOL / ADULTHOOD / CHILDHOOD / APOCALYPTIC / GODS / SPORT / MUSIC / SCIENCE / FIGHTS / ANGST / SMUT / DRAMA / ETC. (I started this and realised I’d be bolding almost everything, so: EVERYTHING)

PREFERRED THREAD LENGTH: ONE-LINER / 1 PARA / 2 PARA / 3+ PARA / NOVELLA. / ALL

ASKS CAN BE SEND BY: MUTUALS / NON-MUTUALS / PERSONALS / ANONS.

CAN ASKS BE CONTINUED?: YES / NO / OCCASIONALLY   - only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO

PREFERRED THREAD TYPE: CRACK / CASUAL / SERIOUS / DEEP AS HECK. / ALL

IS REALISM / RESEARCH IMPORTANT FOR YOU IN CERTAIN THEMES?:   YES / NO.

ARE YOU ATM OPEN FOR NEW PLOTS?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. (after my paper is submitted, yeah sure)

DO YOU HANDLE YOUR DRAFT / ASK - COUNT WELL?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. (irl makes coping difficult sometimes)

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY TAKE TO REPLY?: 24H / 1 WEEK / 2 WEEKS / 3+ WEEKS / MONTHS / YEARS. / DEPENDS ON MOOD AND INSPIRATION, AND IF I’M BUSY 

I’M OKAY INTERACTING WITH: ORIGINAL CHARACTERS / A RELATIVE OF MY CHARACTER (AN OC) / DUPLICATES / CROSSOVERS / MULTI-MUSES / SELF-INSERTS / PEOPLE WITH NO AU VERSE FOR MY FANDOM / CANON-DIVERGENT PORTRAYALS / AU-VERSIONS.

DO YOU POST MORE IC OR OOC?: IC / OOC. (I strive for more IC over OOC, but my queue does a lot of work too)

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WITH FOLLOWING OTHERS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

BEST WAYS TO APPROACH YOU FOR RP/PLOTTING:  Talk with me over IM, asks, or Disco. I’m down for almost anything as long as I see it’s feasible.

WHAT EXPECTATIONS DO YOU HOLD TOWARDS YOUR PLOTTING PARTNER:  Transparency. If you have an idea, let me know! If you’re stuck, let me know! If you want to start something new or scrap something or whatever...LET ME KNOW! I promise I don’t bite and I understand.

WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PLOTTING IS RATHER ONE-SIDED, WHAT DO YOU DO?:  I’m not very good with coming up with plots myself, so I’m typically the weak link when it comes to that. Sorry! But you bet I’ll pull up a plot generator and start throwing things down to see what sticks haha.

HOW DO YOU USUALLY PLOT WITH OTHERS, DO YOU GIVE INPUT OR LEAVE MOST WORK TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER?:  I’m all about equal opportunity, so I try not to leave the plotting work to my partner. Let’s negotiate and find something that makes both of us happy. That’s the point after all.

WHEN A PARTNER DROPS THE THREAD, DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - AND WHY?: If you want to drop a thread, I’m completely fine with it. I want to know so that I don’t end up replying to something you have no interest in anymore. Saves both of us the time.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD YOU TO DROP A THREAD?:  If drafts eat it (as they are wont to do these days) or if I feel it has reached a natural conclusion. I rarely, if ever, drop a thread in the middle. I’ll just let you know I’m going to finish it on my side and allow you a chance to finish on yours if you’d like.

WILL YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

IS COMMUNICATION IN THE RPC IMPORTANT TO YOU? YES / NO. - AND WHY?: You don’t need to chat with me every minute of every day, but I like knowing the people I’m writing with. Discerning your personality and your approach to your muse gives me a much stronger understanding of how to write with you, and what vibes between us. Plus, it’s easier to remember different people’s boundaries if I talk with them a lot, too.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH ABSOLUTE HONESTY, EVEN IF IT MAY MEANS HEARING SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOU AND/OR PORTRAYAL?: I am all for constructive criticism. Even if you think it’s nitpicky, it’s going to be a great help. Good crit allows us grow as writers and as people in general. However, I am not for baseless accusations, childish name-calling, or outright insults under the name of “constructive crit”. Remember the “constructive” part: we need to build each other up. 

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCH SITUATION IN A MATURE WAY? YES / NO.

WHY DO YOU RP AGAIN, IS THERE A GOAL?: I love a good story. While I don’t agree with everything Cullen does (and no one should, for anyone real or imagined), his story is intriguing. He’s a deeply flawed, deeply broken man. I love to take on a character, toss them in every situation I can think of, and watch them evolve and grow.

WISHLIST, BE IT PLOTS OR SCENARIOS:  A real redemption arc, for one. A realistic struggle with substance abuse and recovery. A future of happiness.

THEMES I WON’T EVER RP / EXPLORE:   Rape or sexual assault, unless being spoken about as a past event (as I truly believe that Cullen was sexually assaulted at Kinloch along with the other psychological and physical torture he endured). In-game racism is baked in, unfortunately, but it’s not something I seek out to roleplay as a PoC myself. Finally, while I play Cullen as canon-straight, I will not play out homophobia and most definitely not transphobia. If he rejects your muse for hitting on him, it’s not because he’s being homophobic: he’s just not interested. That also doesn’t mean he’ll never be interested; people can and do change, and I ship chemistry overall. He doesn’t hate your muse for their gender, orientation, or sexual preferences. I feel like I really have to spell this out for people who don’t understand. If you feel personally insulted by this somehow, feel free to address me directly, off anon. It’s probably an issue of fuzzy wording that I’m 500% willing to fix and talk about.

WHAT TYPE OF STARTERS DO YOU PREFER / DISLIKE, CAN’T WORK WITH?: I love starters that set the scene and provide plenty to work with, be it in terms of interacting with the environment or with the other person. If your muse shows immediate disinterest in communicating (and I don’t mean argumentative, which is perfectly fine), I am not going to respond. I might politely ask for more if I feel like it’s a salvageable interaction.

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE MOST?:  Stoic soldier types, bubbly short girls, and semi-mad scientists.

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE LEAST?:  Characters that come across as Mary-Sue / Gary-Stu types. No flaws and barely any room to grow. 

WHAT ARE YOUR STRONG ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I'm very easy-going and I have an unearthly level of tolerance for almost everything. I try to provide partners with as much to work with as possible IC, and will pretty much support your very existence OOC. I believe in open communication so you’ll know what’s going on with me and/or our threads. Also, I typically reply within a week or two. Currently I’m tethered to finishing a big paper so I’m not a good example of that right now.

WHAT ARE YOUR WEAK ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I can get overwhelmed by too much which slows my pace down considerably. I’m also a bit distant and do shut down on occasion; that’s usually no fault of my partners, though. Just my brain being a dick.

DO YOU RP SMUT?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. (the closer we are OOC, the easier getting here will be)

DO YOU PREFER TO GO INTO DETAIL?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. (it’s not going to be XXX but it will be descriptive)

ARE YOU OKAY WITH BLACK CURTAIN, FADE TO BLACK?: YES / NO.

WHEN DO YOU RP SMUT? MORE OUT OF FUN OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?: I prefer to write smut for character development and to mark a progression in a relationship. Plus Cullen is not a “one and done” guy so getting to the smut stage will take a bit of build-up.

ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO RP THERE?:  Hmmm things that he personally wouldn’t go for I guess? Honestly I don’t know. And obviously, no rape/animal abuse/predator nonsense.

ARE SHIPS IMPORTANT TO YOU?:   YES / NO Ships are a great way to further explore a character and their motivations. People do not exist in pure isolation, so I don’t believe characters should, either.

WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BLOG IS SHIP-FOCUSED?: YES / NO. I bolded both because the focus of the blog isn’t ships, but this thirst trap guy is really easy to ship with other people I tell ya hwat. I am severely picky with romantic ships for Reasons, but I don’t eschew any other types of ships. I encourage them!

DO YOU USE READ MORE?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE LONG STUFF.

ARE YOU:  MULTI-SHIP / SINGLE-SHIP / DUAL-SHIP  —  MULTIVERSE / SINGLEVERSE.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EXPLORE THE MOST IN YOUR SHIPS?: Characters who challenge Cullen into revising his point of view and force him to be a better person. Also, characters who understand his past and they are in no ways obligated to forgive it, but do recognise that he’s struggling very hard to mend whatever mistakes he can and is willing to pay the price for his decisions.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  - Be a good salesperson and I might buy it.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOUR MUSE INTERESTING TOWARDS OTHERS, WHY SHOULD THEY RP WITH THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER OF YOURS NOW, WHAT POSSIBLE PLOTS DO THEY OFFER?: Cullen is a massive stick in the mud, which means it’s incredibly easy to taunt him and get him flustered all at the same time. He’s loyal, he’s intelligent, and he’s largely self-aware. He likes swords and using them. Anything your character hates about him, he most likely hates about himself 100 times more.

WITH WHAT TYPE OF MUSES DO YOU USUALLY STRUGGLE TO RP WITH?:  Those from the start that show absolutely no interest in speaking with/interacting with him. Mun and muse are going to struggle to stick around. I’m not going to fight for attention and neither is he.

WHAT DO THEY DESIRE, WHAT IS THEIR GOAL?:  Redemption. He wants to be a better person and make up for the past as much as he can.

WHAT CATCHES THEIR INTEREST FIRST WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW?:  He can sniff out a fellow Templar a mile away (or several miles, in the case of Samson). 

WHAT DO THEY VALUE IN A PERSON?:  Honesty, a strong will, devotion (not necessarily to the Maker or the Chantry, but to a just cause that focuses on protecting others).

WHAT THEMES DO THEY LIKE TALKING ABOUT?:  War stuff, chess, books, trebuchets, dogs.

WHICH THEMES BORE THEM?:  Lectures about anything. He did his time in Azkaban in the Circles. No more. Please no more.

DID THEY EVER WENT THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC?:  His parents died trying to escape the Blight, he was tortured for weeks/months on end by blood mages, almost all of his friends died because of it, he was manipulated and brainwashed by his superior, he was forced into a near-debilitating substance addiction by his workplace... yeah just a few things.

WHAT COULD LEAD TO AN INSTANT KILL?:  Darkspawn and abominations. 

IS THERE SOMEONE /-THING THEY HATE?:  Darkspawn and abominations. Blood mages on principle. Regular mages (but he’s working hard to remedy this extremely bad and prejudiced thinking). Himself.

IS YOUR MUSE EASY TO APPROACH?: YES / NO.    - BEST WAY TO APPROACH THEM?:  Just be polite and he won’t turn you away. He’s guarded, yes, but not impossible to talk to.

SOMETHING YOU MAY STILL WANT TO POINT OUT ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: You’ll find out by writing together! ;D

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

tagged by: pirated tagging: anyone who actually read this

#a quiet inquiry (memes) #// long post #// very long post

[dreamsicledream]

Monsters in the frost pt 1 and 2

Heres my recent writing piece Monsters in the frost. I worked very hard on it.  I’m posting both parts please enjoy  and if you can reblog or send me  a message with your opinion

====================================================

Pt 1 - Monsters in the frost

Ice began to spread across the mirror like surface of the lake and a blanket of pristine white snow. Yukon frowned his nose wrinkling. Winter was here too soon. It was unusual. How could it reach this cold in mid sepetember? Yukon leaned forward letting the water lap at his fingers in a part where the lake hadn't frozen. His mind was already whirring and turning over every possibility of what might be happening. The Increase in monsters... the cold was it related? He felt a sick dread knott at his gut as he removed his hand from the water. Strands of hair as white as the pristine snow fell in his face and he began to twist them around his nimble fingers tightly. His nose wrinkled as he ran over more thoughts. Were the monsters affecting the temperture? Or did the temperture signal that were monsters were coming? They were already struggling with the number they had. Vern could only handle so many even with the small blessing of foresight he had. Should they call in help? Should they have gotten someone to investigate the phenomenon?

Spiralling more and more as he tried to figure out what to do in his head, Yukon barely noticed his tail thrash breaking up the ice with each slap. He didn't even hear the footsteps approaching the cold snow until he heard a voice.

"Hey fish breath you going to continue to splash everything?" the snarling voice called from behind him. He whipped around to see.... Vira. Vira stood at the lake's edge hands on her rather large plump hips glowering at him with the constant look of mild annoyance she always wore. Her long pink toned hair had fallen out of the bun she always wore it in, now laying past her shoulders with various leaves in it. Her foot tapped with the same sort of foul attitude he was used to.Despite Vira's well unpleasantness, Yukon sometimes had to admit she was pretty useful for one of their resident monsters. Well monster was a harsh term except he had seen her change. When Vern was absent or busy they could bribe her to help out.

"Vira. Its the same pleasure as always to see you here" he retorted letting go of the hair he had been twisting to look at her and making his way over to the lake edge across the icey currents.

"Oh cut it. We both know no one looks forward to my presence. Shut it with the false flattery fish sticks" she huffed rolling her eyes. The pattern of her skin which resembled a whirling storm over the sea changed, flicks of lightning flashing across it. Oh he knew something had her in a worse mood now. He'd be lucky if he didn't see the claws forming if e didn't aggravate her more.

"Okay Okay Vira. What brings you here?" he sighed placing his hands up defensively.

"The magic in the area feels gross. So mister I know everything, fix it. also another monster interrupted my enjoyment of my snacks so I'm definitely going to filet you if it happens again! Ugh do you know how long I waited for my fresh donuts?" she snapped her fangs flashing. He sighed his shoulders dropping. Vira's ability to sense the feel of magic, had brought useful information. Yukon considered prying but he glanced at her scowl and impatient tapping . Best not to annoy her more. However he did know his own way to get information out of her. Vira was rather easy to please after all.

"Okay Vir I'll get to investigating it. So far I don't know anything. I'm the town mage not the the town detective. Why don't we go down to the bakery and I'll buy you a new box and you give me information about the sensations you're experiencing in the local magic" he said hoisting himself out from the water and on to the snow. His voice oozed charm and he flashed her his best smile knowing bribery would get him everywhere with her. Her eyes glittered and the patterns on her skin shifted. The usual stormy pattern changed to a more clear sky and she gave off a soft glow with her pointed ears twitching.

"... Its a deal" she mumbled and before he could ask immediately got his wheelchair which had been fitted with little bits to ensure he didn't dry out when he had to traverse the land. In one movement she picked him up and sat him down. He blinked a bit surprised at her speed. He chuckled after a moment.

"I'm so getting you the limited edition ones" he hummed.

"So why don't you ask the catpaw corp or whatever to help out with figuring out whats going on?" Vira asked waving her hand as she wheeled him to the village rolling her eyes. He leaned back looking up at her with a frown.

"Why don't you ask your father, mister developer of curses and researcher of immortality?" he asked but then regretted the words the instant he said them. He had forgotten in one split second about... her family issues. He could see the pain in her expression the minute he said it. He could feel her grip tightening on the chair almost enough to crack the handles. She looked away to hide her face.

"Shut up" she snapped a small quiver in her tone. He felt low. He didn't get along with Vira... no one did but that was too far. He regretted reacting so defensively. He tugged at his sweater as silence settled between the two... a heavy silence that felt like a large divide. He didn't have any answer of what to say to make things better. an apology didn't feel like enough.

"I ... wasn't thinking. Im sorry. We can do this on our own I just feel" he mumbled sinking down in his seat after what felt like minutes stretched into one long eternity of unease. She didn't reply. He had expected some sharp snap or just something. Maybe an insult... but instead he got nothing.

The rest of the time on the way to the bakery was seeped in that silence that made him feel disgusted. He wanted to hide in the lake again. She didn't even say anything as she opened the door to the warmly lit bakery. He twisted his fingers in his scarf.

"Can I get one of all of vira's favorites?" he called to the baker who just raised a brow and nodded. The baker scampered off in a second and Vira wheeled him to one of the tables.

"Vira. I'm sorry" he sighed. She glanced at him as she took the seat across from him.

"You say it again im leaving you in the snow" she retorted "I'm adding a milk boba tea to your tab". He felt immediate relief when she responded finally. Yukon paused a moment though thinking of how to ask her the questions he had about the local magic. He needed to know what felt strange to her but it was hard to understand something he never quite had an experience with.

"Vir? Okay try to explain it to me whats wrong with the magic" he mumbled.

"It feels like its falling apart... unstable. You know what I mean? Like something is causing it to fall apart and just spike and wane uncontrollably" she tried to explain as she got up to get the sweet baked goods from the counter and brought them over to the table.  He began twisting his hair around his fingers again. Could magic instability effect the weather this badly? What did it have to do with the increase of monsters. He thought the creatures weren't the same as vira's species or at least he was pretty sure so they weren't made of raw magic.

"Does the magic feel similar when you encounter monstes?" Yukon asked plucking a sweet from the plate. Vira nodded as she stuffed a glistening donut frosted with a pink glaze in her mouth.  The gears in Yukon's mind began to turn. He felt like he was on to something but he didn't have the full grasp on it yet.

=====================================

Pt 2 - Monsters in the frost

Yukon's fingers tapped along the side of his cup. He felt his brow wrinkle as he stared into the depths of the coffee thinking. It felt like he was turning over a puzzle box in his mind without all the pieces. The magic around the creatures was off but what did it mean? Was it decayed magic? Or merely some sort of more dark magic twisted in some manner? Could the creatures be beings made of magic or maybe were they synthetic? Every question turned in his mind as he tried to piece together what his next course was. They could capture the creature maybe... vern wouldn't agree with that as the town protector but... if it led to answers maybe he needed to do that. He stared down into the depths of the cup thinking it over more.

 "Vira... Could you track one?" he asked quietly as he leaned forward in his wheelchair, his icey toned eyes met her sea blue ones "I want to catch one... to figure things out".

 Vira leaned back scrunching her brows together in a more thoughtful look than her usual glares. She stirred her coffee crumbling a little cookie into it.

 "Yeah of course i can fishfilet but your idea sounds pretty peak dumbass. Youre not exactly combat skilled in a wheelchair. Im guessing you know lovesick fool vern isn't going to agree either especially considering hes kind of getting a family started" Vira noted rolling her eyes as she mentioned vern "... I'll do it. Guess I'll have to be your big guns too? We'll have to get one out of Vern's radar though. Hes quick when it comes to sensing them and getting there to take care of it"

 She was right. They'd need to find one far enough from the village, Vern wouldn't get it. He took a swig of the coffee in his hands wondering if his closest friend would see this as a betrayal. He set the cup down and raked his fingers his hair. His eyes glanced out the window watching snow drift down in glistening crystals covering more of the town. if the monsters and weather were linked... it was more important to fix things than worry about hurting his friend's feelings. The shifting of the weather could leave their town lower on resources.. he dreaded the idea of the village running out of food.

He didn't realize his expression had scrunched up so much until Vira flicked a tiny folded paper napkin at him breaking his focus. His gaze flitted to her. Her pink hair fell in wavey strands in her face and deep blue eyes gazed at him from behind large owl rim glasses. Her round features made her glare a bit less frightening than she probably intended and her rounded nose wrinkled as she stuck her tongue out at him before getting up.

 "We better get wheeling. I've got business this evening" Vira said before he could even ask her to come with him like she knew he would. His tail flicked with a slight amusement before resting in its usual spot on the wheelchair once again.

 “Thank you Vira. So where are we headed?” he chuckled with a grin at up at her as she made her way to behind the chair.

 “Theres a little art studio well outside the village. Its way out of Vern’s range and I can sense there might be a monster on the way there. We could take advantage of the fact its a repurposed store room and use it to box in the creature possibly. Worst case, you could probably enchant some rope to hold the creature. Still the large space gives us an edge.” she mumbled flicking a few strands of pink hair back. He nodded as she wheeled him out of the warm golden glow of the bakery into the glistening white. The cold air stung a bit. Yukon could see the warm whisps of his breath dance in the icy air before disappearing. His fingers tugged at the fabric of his gloves as the snow crunched beneath the wheels and trails of snow formed in their wake as they made their way through the winding streets like a maze of snowy cottages. He could see families in their homes lighting the fires, and preparing the thick winter blankets all around him. The hints of oranges from the windows the only thing breaking up the white that seemed to stetch over everything. The further they got to the edge of town the quieter things got. He no longer heard people humming as they got carried their firewood or talking as they walked through the cold. Oranges stopped laying across the pure white leaving only an empty expanse before them instead of the usual fields. It felt like it went on forever.

  Vira who had been quiet began a soft tune in a language he hadn’t heard as they walked. He felt his jaw drop agape. She never sung. Or at least he hadn’t ever heard her sing. Her voice was soft, high pitched in a sort of gentle way as she sung. The wind whistled an accompaniment to her song. He didn’t want to say anything to break the moment. He just wanted to listen.Yukon couldn’t help wondering if this was her native language she sung in. He knew she didn’t speak her culture’s language usually. There were…. issues with her and her own culture. He knew the sort of hate in her expression whenever she spoke about how she grew up in short moments. Her mother… had regrettably passed leaving her in the care of her father. Her father was a man whose obsession was his research and his first wife… her sister’s mother. Well half-sister to be more exact. Her half-sister was the golden girl of the family. Praised and adored by so many who met her no matter what she did while Vira had always struggled to just be worth some shred of praise. Eventually that enviroment hit some boiling point. Something happened Vira didn’t ever speak of and she had ended up here… researching magic from the catacombs under the city, that he understood was forbidden. He had asked her about her research and magic more in depth but she’d shrug it off. Sometimes when he asked she’d be colder and sharper than usual aiming purposeful insults to push him away. She didn’t lie to him though. Thats the thing despite all her oddity… she and vern would never lie to him to manipulate him. They might beat around the bush or be clumsy socially but he knew they had no sort of talent with manipulation or lies. Vira would tell someone to shut up and shove it before lieing and Vern well… Vern was just the world’s worst liar. He could trust them. Even if she protested, Vira would always defend him and Vern.

 He chucked a bit at his own nostalgia which caused Vira to stop suddenly. He lurched forward in his seat at the sudden stop and turned back to look at her. Snow settled on her pink eyelashes and the rim of her spectables, Her deep usually teal skin tone had shifted to a more soft lighter blue that cast a small faint glow across the snow. The little cloud like pattern of her skin seemed absent of thunder currently although he could see one or two as she glared at him pressing up her glasses.

  “You interrupted my song” she huffed.

  “Sorry I was just thinking about things. Nostalgic sort of sensations” he informed her. She stuck her tongue out wrinkling her nose.

 “Sentimentality? Gross. “ she replied as she continued wheeling “I’m just going to toss you in the first pool of water we find if you keep this weird stuff up”

 “Oh? How cold. How could my favorite witch do this to me? Toss me cold and alone into the waters of the winter where I might become some fish popsicle.” he said dramatically with a grin playfully.

 “Keep tempting your luck. Just go on. I know you like the ice. “ she retorted with a little grumpy huff that created a little cloud of warmth when she exhaled. He couldn’t help grinning more at her obvious annoyance.

 “Well then miss lovely Vira are we almost there” he hummed leaning back. He watched her ears wiggled and her skin shift to shades of bright teals across her face. Embarassment? Well that was new.

 “Shut up! Oh my god you’re such a wind bag. We’re really close now” she snapped and immediately tried to adjust his view forward. He chuckled again a bit quieter this time to himself as he watched the shape of the artists studio come into view as they rolled down one of the hills decorated the countryside. Large skylights decorated the slope roof, probably letting in the light of the setting sun into the large building painted with scenes of vibrant places he had never seen along its concrete walls. It stood out, a burst of color in the quiet. The walkway was just as colorful. It was hard to imagine that a monster might of lurked around such a place. However he could see vira bristle. He could hear the snarl rumble from her body. He glanced at her hands seeing them distort in shape growing like sharp razor like claws leaving scratches in the wheelchair handles.  He felt his breath catch in his throat as he glanced around trying to figure out where the  creature might be skulking waiting to devour someone whole. Vira clicked her tongue quietly then gestured to one of the top windows. He hadn’t noticed it but one window was broken letting the snow fall through.

 Before Yukon could even say anything, like a flash Vira was darting forward pushing the chair through the snow in a dash. He gripped the handles startled by the sudden movement. Ahead the sounds of wood ripping and breaking rung through the silence. Yukon felt his brow wrinkle as he frowned. His ears could pick up sounds from inside the warehouse. He could hear glass shatter. Vira paused only to stop at the door and leave him there before rushing in. He could seem her features had shifted as she had moved past. A familiar shape of her face distored from its human like features shifted into something more akin to a dragon’s snout with sharp horns atop her head and the flash of her fangs… he knew them well.

He grasped the wheels of his chair hesitantly as he gazed into the open door before him shrouded in thick shadow. Yukon took a deep breath. He could feel his heart beat faster and faster… an inkling of fear growing. Combat wasn’t something he was front and center for. He couldn’t just let things be like this though. What if there was someone in there who needed his help.  Vira could handle trapping the beast well enough couldn’t she? Now he had doubts about that too. He took another deep breath letting the burning cold air fill his chest a moment before he began to advance inside the warehouse.

 It was dark as he crept ever so carefully forward. The skylight cast rare beams of light over the dimmly lit studio. Shelves filled with paintings made a maze around him. He could hear some of the shelves smash from the sounds of the fight. He leaned forward in his seat trying to peer what might be ahead, his ears moving as he struggled to listen for sounds of someone other than Vira and the monster. Just barely he could catch some sounds. The distant scared gasps of a person along with small hiccups.  It felt so close but still so far. The racks of paintings obscured the view but he could see a path through them to a little workshop area where he was pretty sure the sounds came from with an easel and small platform.  His fingers gripped the wheels of his wheelchair tightly before he took care with each movement toward the area. Statues loomed between the shelves watching his every careful movement. Something about statues had always unnerved him. They reminded him of something distant like a strange foreboding memory at the corner of his mind he couldn’t quite grasp. Yukon shook it off though inching forward more and more towards the workshop section to where he heard the small noises .

 When he reached the section he had been aiming for his eyes flitted around looking for the source. He could hear the snarling, and snapping of the fight between beasts growing closer and he felt the panic rise in his chest. It felt like his every movement was too slow as he looked around for the source. He wasn’t far off luckily. Curled up hidden against the shelves was a small burst of pink hair trying to hide in some sort of wrapped fabric. Yukon wheeled closer quietly. He extrended one of his hands out to the shaking bundle. Deep rose toned eyes peeked up at him from under a mess of soft pink hair. They were beautiful in a way Yukon hadn’t expected. Marks of soft glowing gold decorated their warm yet lightly tanned skin. Yukon couldn’t spot any clothes either under the shawl they were hiding under. He figured they were probably the artist’s model but where was the artist. He couldn’t help the curiosity about that tugging at the back of his mind but he took the delicate hand of the young man in front of his in his own gloved hands and carefully pulled him into the wheelchair atop him.

 “Sorry about the close quarters but lets get you out of here… I’m yukon” he whispered softly as he began to unwind the scarf from around his neck. He drapped it around the young man in his lap.  “I’m… meda” the model mumbled his voice quivering just a slight bit rattled from whatever had happened before they got here. Yukon’s thoughts wandered wondering if the artist, Meda worked with, had … perished. He pushed those thoughts down though as he began to unbutton his coat. Yukon carefully laid the warm fabric around Meda’s shoulders.

 “Its cold outside… cant have you freezing. Wouldn’t be a good rescue then would it?” Yukon joked trying to ease the situation the best he could . He could feel a small chuckle leave Meda’s body and Yukon felt a small bit of relief. It was odd to have someone in his lap. Oddly close, he could feel the warmth of the other man as his hands moved to grip the wheels carefully. He could feel the light rise and fall of Meda’s chest as tiredly the model laid his head atop Yukon’s chest. Could he hear how fast Yukon’s heart was beating? Yukon turned the chair and began to inch it towards the door. He worried about the cold but cold was safer than claws and fangs dyed with blood.

 Yukon struggled to try to make his way as quickly and quietly to the open door as he could. Claws scratching on concrete and the howl of a beast in pain filled the air behind him. He could feel his hair stand on end. His thoughts wandered to small worried about Vira. He could hear the shelves crack and break with each impact until right in front of him the two beasts landed. Barreling through the shelves scattering the ruined canvases. Vira’s changed form was pinned under the beast’s claw. Slick oil like blood stained her skin and oozed from the large gash across her snout. Despite the painful wounds though her jaw opened as she snapped her razor sharp fangs still fiercingly trying to dig into the flesh of the creature that loomed above her. The beast kept her forced down with its talons digging in her stomach.  Broken feathers fluttered down on to the bloody floor from the beast’s own wounds. Its wings had been clawed through and some of the thousands of eyes decorating its shadow like form had been clawed out. The oil like blood of Vira mixed with the creature’s own on the floor as its beak opened. It leaned forward and Yukon felt like his heart might stop watching the scene.He couldn’t move fast enough. Every movement felt too slow as he rummaged through his pockets for something that could help. He needed something… anything he could enchant to catch the creature off guard. His finger tips brushed cold metal. It was a small  retractable knife. Vern had given it to him in case of danger. This was danger. He pulled it out fumbling the blade out as quick as he could. He prayed in his mind this would work as he forced the feelings he was feeling into his own magic. He forced every panicked prayer and desire to save Vira into his own magic focusing it into the blade. The metal grew colder in his hands and in one swift movement he threw it.

  The blade sunk into one of the red eyes then from that spot ice exploded covering the beast in it over one of it’s shoulder blades where its wings connected to its body. The creature faltered from the force of it and Vira snapped up in that moment her claws ripping across its chest before it could move causing feathers to fly. It stumbled taking steps back and she lunged.

 Yukon covered Meda’s eyes as Vira tackled the creature down biting into its neck with her rows and rows of fangs. It twitched and thrashed beneath her. He looked away as he heard her claws dig into it cracking bone ripping it apart every time it tried to snap at her. He gripped the wheels with his free hand and took a slow moment to wheel forward. He could hear gurgling blood filled croaks from the monster as he left clutching Meda close to his chest. They weren’t catching this one… it had taken too much of a chunk out of vira plus they didn’t need to get someone else hurt. His stomach felt like it turned as he made his way outside.

  The cold air felt like a shock jolting him out of the moment. He glanced down at Meda removing his hand.

  “Sorry” he muttered quietly “... are you okay?”

   “Thank you… for saving me. I’m not usually this anxious I promise… What was that thing? The um big bird? Well and the other thing… the one with horns and massive claws? The thing fighting the bird” Meda asked stumbling over his words as if trying to regain what pose he had usually between shivvers from the cold. Yukon let a sigh escape his lips.

    “Thats one of the monsters… they eat people. They tend to plague this area since before I was even here. As for the horned creature, thats vira. Shes one of the people who hunts the creatures. She tracked it here.” Yukon explained raking his fingers through his hair. Meda glanced up at the man who rescued him as if studying Yukon’s features.

     “You tried to save me even though you cant move as well on land…” Meda said softly “do you usually come with?”.

      “Uh me? No no I’m the enchanter for the area. I enchant weapons or tools for people . I work with the hunters but Im not one myself. I’m here because originally we wanted to catch it… we want to find out why more keep appearing. I’m guessing you’re new here?” Yukon muttered glancing away. Now that they weren’t running from monsters he felt very aware of the fact Meda wasn’t wearing anything beneath coat,scarf and the shawl. He opened his mouth to add a question about that but quickly snapped it shut.    “I’m a model. My artist had suggested that a change of scenery would yield to more creativity so we asked to borrow a friend of hers studio” Meda answered adjusting his own hair a moment “She probably would of liked to paint you… I was waiting in the studio while she went into town”. Well that answered many questions but still left quite a few. His mind wandered a bit to running over the situation currently. They had failed to catch the monster but they had managed to save someone. On one aspect but on the other he was no closer to answers then when he started. Worse, Vira would definitely probably be gorging on that monster’s corpse like a rabid animal till her wounds healed, have crazed. They’d have to make it somewhere on their own. Maybe vern’s home would be best. He could get the young man in his lap dressed then escort him to town so they could find the artist Meda was working with. Vern would question what happened though… worse Vern would be angry they hadn’t told him. Maybe he should of told Vern though. Why was he doubting everything? Why did everything seem to not fit together like he planned.

  Meda’s hand waving infront of his face jolted him from his thoughts a moment.

    “Hey, whats got you spaced out handsome” Meda chuckled with a roguish grin he hadn’t expected from the young man’s earlier demeanor. How long had he been thinking? Was Meda staring? Yukon felt his whole face to the tips of his pointed ears heat up with embarassment as he stared down at Meda watching the model’s tail flick mischievously.    “Ah … uh I’m going to bring you by my friend’s place so we can borrow clothes” yukon mumbled straightening up his eyes flitting away unable to meet the rosey toned ones of Meda’s. He gripped the wheels of his chair and began to wheel away from the warehouse.

[smallblanketfort]

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? How did you deal with it? Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis? Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it? How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis? ps: sorry for so many questions

it’s okay. i feel like a smart person would say, come off anon and let’s chat, but u know what, i’ll totally embarrass myself for the common good. oh man.

short answers. click keep reading for the in depth, tmi answers.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes. kind of.

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lol

babe i hope this helps a bit and idk. im being honest here, so idk how much comfort is here, but if you find any, good. be safe. lmk if you have other questions! happy to answer.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes.long answer: i had a slight mental breakdown in uhhhh fall 2015-january 2016, and i work at the library which slows down in the winter. i was going a little nuts with nothing to do one day in late december/early january, so i planted myself in the mental health section and read all the requirements in dsm-iv book for mental disorders. i think i was half curious and half knew something was wrong. i had dealt with depression and anxiety in the past, but i felt mentally dizzy all the time, if that makes sense. just generally unstable and lost and worried. Not Okay. self harming and finding comfort in it. i was totally bleary going through my daily life and i felt extremely unstable in my relationships. i also was trying to work through this whole hallucination/voice in my head thing that sparked it in september(?). so i remember taking these books to the break room and taking these convoluted notes on tiny scraps of paper, trying to make sense of what was happening. i found the notes a couple weeks ago, and it was really weird, but i was so careful about it. i really didn’t want to feel like i had anything, but i was getting desperate. i would copy out the requirements and tally up what i had. i remember contemplating a couple things i knew i could diagnoses with by a doctor who didn’t care, like avoidant pd, but i realized it was definitely not the one, at all. when i read bpd, it took my breath away. i was shocked, bc it was like reading a book about myself. i remember getting goosebumps, and shaking. i spent months researching and researching it, trying to convince myself i didn’t fit the criteria. at the time i was in several psych classes, and one of my professors had us write a 15+ page paper about our own life and psych development. it was hella weird, but i ended up pouring myself into it and my psych prof, who runs his own practice was like “Lol yeah omg” and we chatted a bit and sure enough, i am most likely a bpd bug. i’m not “formally” diagnosed but i have talked to several psychologists at my universities about it and they’re all like “lmao yeeeah” so

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.long answer: idk!? like on one hand i was relieved like “okay so this is a thing with a name, now i can start attacking it. i was really good at mood tracking for about 6 months. no more lol. anyway, i still go through acceptance/denial cycles constantly. just today, i decided to watch youtube videos about it to prove to myself that i didn’t have bpd. my reaction? o shit i guess i have bpd. every couple weeks ill come across an article or video or something about it and they’ll talk about other quirks of bpd and it’s so accurate it’s scary. but kinda cool (like perceptions of time and such that dont really hurt anything, but i thought everyone had. whoops. just my bpd showing again lol) it’s like when i climbed over a wooden fence in colorado and realized i had a sliver in my leg and then when i got it out, i realized i had another sliver in my leg and then when i got it out i realized i had another sliver in m-and so on. it never stops really. maybe it’d help if i told more ppl. idk. 

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.long answer: i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it definitely brought gravity to it. sometimes it made me hopeless (can you even recover from a personality disorder?), but sometimes it brought me hope bc i wasn’t alone and there are coping methods made esp for me. it helped me understand myself and why i did what i did. it helped me be more proactive, and im getting better at it. it helped me accept some of my quirks, and helped me communicate. it’s a constant learning process like battle.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.long answer: lmao so like i haven’t told my parents yet, didnt have to since i was over 18. lately my mom is becoming more aware tho i think, and she’s being really supportive. my friends (irl and online, they all know) are really supportive and patient and encouraging and kind. they’re so great. the two ppl i dated since were lovely. about a month after diagnosis, however, i told my boyfriend of the time whose only response was “why didn’t you tell me this before i got emotionally attached to you?” :-) THAT fucked me up, but i still think it’s fair. lately im super worried about it though. 

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lollong answer: so i had never heard of it before 2016 sooo i actually don’t really know about the stigmas even now? i try really hard not to hear about any of it, bc if i do, im going to shrivel and not have the confidence to be open about it, which really helps me and my relationships. being open about it is what destroys the stigma. at the same time, im totally terrified of telling my family for some reason. my mom used to say anxiety was a hat i put on, bc she was a nurse in the mental ward, so her view of mental illness is basically of non to low functioning people. she;s a lot more supportive and validating of it now but idk i cant.OKAY ALSO negativity with recovery high key sucks. for a solid year i was convinced that there’s no recovery and i’ll probably kill myself before im 27, im so screwed blah blah blah, but then i FINALLY starting finding resources that consistently said 50% of adults find themselves recovered after ten years. im also really working hard on self care and coping rn. making good choices for myself to hopefully stay as healthy and happy as possible.

lmk if you have other questions!

xo

#bpd #anon #borderline personality disorder #actuallyborderline #actually borderline

[haleyfury]

November has been what feels like both the longest and shortest month of my year. This month was even more filled with school assignments- four research papers due the first week in December- and related things. I fortunately had some really fun experiences with my friends and family this month. I plan on doing a If We Were Having Coffee: The Fall Semester edition in December, filling you on some in real-life happenings of mine over these past few months- and some very exciting things planned for the new year!

Returning to bookish and fangirl things, I’ve so far read 5 books this month while still completing Schitt’s Creek. Given how crazy school life was in November, I’m both content with the amount of books that I read and wish that I had read more. With my winter break approaching, I’m really excited to have more time to unwind and dedicate to reading and blogging next month.

All-American Muslim Girlby Nadine Jolie Courtney | 4.5-/5 Stars

All-American Muslim Girlwas my surprise favorite and a new contemporary favorite for me this month. It took me some time to settle in, but I absolutely adored the character development and emphasis on family and faith.

 When the Stars Lead to You by Ronni Davis | 3/5

When the Stars Lead to Youwas unfortunately my most disappointing read of the month. While I appreciated that it handled some heavy issues, I wasn’t a fan of its execution.

The Toll (Arc of a Scythe #3)by Neal Shusterman | 5/5

I am here to admit that I definitely neglected those four school research projects for a few hours at a time this month to dive into the 625 page beast that was Neal Shusterman’s The Toll. And it was worth it!

Renegades by Marissa Meyer | 5/5 

I officially cannot believe that it took me over two years to pick up Marissa Meyer’s Renegades because I loved it so much!

The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren | 4/5 

I finally read The Unhoneymooners! This was such a fun and flirty read and would make for the perfect one-sitting read over your holiday break.

Schist’s Creek S2-S5 (PopTV/Netflix) – Schitt’s Creek was  the best kind of stress relief this month. I’ve completely fallen in love with this show, and while I’m sad that I’m all caught up, I cannot wait to dive into its final season come January.

Let It Snow (Netflix)- The third weekend in November officially marked the start of my Christmas-celebrating this year, starting with the Netflix of adaptation of Let It Snow, Although there was a number of changes from the book (it’s been a while since I’ve read it, but I had it next to me while watching), I thought this was a really cute Christmas movie and brought the book’s spirit to life. I’m so excited that Netflix is acquiring more and more YA titles!

Holiday in the Wild (Netflix)- After an especially long week, I collapsed into bed one Thursday night and unwinded in the best way possible: with a Christmas movie! My inner Leslie Knope had to watch this Christmas movie starring Rob Lowe aka Chris Trager and Kristin Davis. Holiday in the Wild is definitely the cheesiest Christmas movie I’ve watched this far, but I still really enjoyed its humor and atmosphere.

Last Christmas– It’s been such a long time that I’ve seen a Christmas film in the movie theater, so add in Emilia Clarke and Henry Golding and I was sold on Last Christmas. Last Christmaswas definitely one step up form a Hallmark Christmas movie, but I enjoyed its lightheartedness and cast.

Encore! (Disney+)- While, yes, I had time to watch four seasons of a TV show this month and read a 625 page book, I haven’t dived into Disney+ too much yet. However, one show that I’ve been hooked on each week is Encore!. With a touch of reality TV show, I do appreciate its somewhat seriousness, as high school alumni reunite to recreate the musicals they put on as students.

Noelle (Disney+)- I’ve unfortunately been spending some of my Thanksgiving break working on final papers, but I distressed after a long Monday of paper writing by watching Noelle. While it was a tiny bit more fluffy than I was expecting, I still loved the cast and there were plenty of laugh-out-loud moments.

Reviews

WINTER MOOD READ: Winterwood Review

When the Stars Lead to You Review & Favorite Quotes

ALL-FAVORITE READ: All-American Muslim Girl Review

HOLIDAY MOOD: 10 Blind Dates Review & Most Anticipated Christmas Movies 2019

Bookish & Fangirl Fun 

Five Star Predictions Results: 2019 Release Edition

Top Five Wednesday: End of 2019 TBR

My Favorite Fairy Tale Retellings: Inspired by Sea Witch Rising

Top Five Wednesday: Favorite 2019 Book Covers

Highest Rated Goodreads Books I’ve Read

MORE 2019 TBR PLANS: End of Year Book Tag 2019

My Disney+ Watchlist

Since I’ll be talking about some IRL stuff in my If We Were Having Coffee post next month, I’m just going to be focusing on some bookish and fangirl happenings that caught my attention.

Taylor Swift at the AMAs- If there was one reason that I had to watch the American Music Awards this year, it was Taylor Swift’s Artist of the Decade performance. I absolutely loved how she started the performance with “The Man” and I loved all the songs that she chose. I am also obsessed with the “Lover” First Dance remix. I’m really hoping that she will announce more Lover Fest tour dates soon.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Updates- Brooklyn Nine-Nine will be returning to NBC for its seventh season with an hour-long episode on February 7th. Even though S6 wasn’t my absolute favorite season, I’m still so excited to be diving back into this show that gives me some Parks and Rec feels. It was also announced that B99 was renewed for an eighth season– which I think calls for another Lin-Manuel Miranda guest appearance!

                The Elementae series on hold– A.C. Gaughen replied to a reader on Twitter that there are currently no plans for books 3 and 4 to be published in her Elementae series. I’m so especially bummed over this news because I love Reign the Earth and Imprison the Sky so much.

Unfortunately, currently there are no plans to publish books three and four in the series. 😞 Im so sorry for readers left in the lurch, but the series hasn’t gotten the traction it needed to survive. 😩😩😩 https://t.co/earzn0fqwr

— AC Gaughen (@acgaughen) November 18, 2019

  What did you read and watch in November? What books do you want to get to in December? Share in the comments!

READING & CHRISTMAS MOVIE-WATCHING: November 2019 Wrap Up November has been what feels like both the longest and shortest month of my year. This month was even more filled with school assignments- four research papers due the first week in December- and related things.

#November 2019 Wrap Up