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a-for-alternative · 3 years

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Hello, A! So I was wondering do you have any headcannons about how you and B were like at Wammy's together? PS. I thought dead men tell no tales lol (sorry about the joke if you didn't like it)

// Oh do I ever... Alternative has such potential to highlight things about B’s character that develops him into the killer of Mello’s novel. The lore surrounding the first generation (and the notion of Mello writing about a dead successor that previously filled his position - his predecessor) is more poignant than I think it was intended to come across but here are some headcanons~

Wammys House:

A & B are the first to receive their secondary alias after which it becomes a kind of right of passage for other successors, choosing their own (though often not official) - to A & B, only theirs will ever be legitimate.

A is introduced to B after only 1-2 years of being at the house

A, before becoming a letter, was taken into Wammy’s due to his intellect but only later is selected as the first attempted L-backup, probably pulled from a satellite home

Alternative & Backup (A’s perspective):

His introduction to B is a pivotal moment for him. After so much loss, he sees this as an opportunity for redemption and a return to a clear path forward, and now it is under threat. B represents for A the physical manifestation apathetic fate, he is foreign in every sense, they cannot even communicate when they are initially introduced. His presence signifies A’s disposability - B is the backup plan for when A fails, like a vulture circling over head, it looms over him like a prophesy he is trying to outrun.. though, B can also overtake him at anytime, relegating him to a future that, from A’s perspective, is neither known nor the success story that he has put so much hope in. The world for Alternative at this point in his life is an unreasonable and precarious place. All he knows, up to this point as a seven year old, is that everything is fragile and must be hard won - and there is no guarantee that one can keep what they have fought or sacrificed to obtain. --- after all, he is in line to replace L and L is about as far from vulnerable as he believes a person can get --- Maybe, B also represents a challenge that requires a level of maturity that he does not yet possess - the inevitable dilemma, that this position is of such consequence to the world, that it needs the best person for it, — and that may not be him...

There is nothing genuine in the sweet smile.

The way he extends an open hand, how his soft, his boyish voice offering “ Hello, Alternative ” …

A feels an unpleasant sensation snake up his spine like a fever’s chill, empathetic aptitude ringing in his ears with all the incongruence rolling off this boy.

His gentleness feels scripted, words trilling out of his mouth- practiced and angular; absolutely, wholly contrived. A has never meet anyone with such an emptiness in their words and actions…

A returns the greeting with a stony, silent stare - I know what you are.

They slide up from the open palm to meet the foreign boy’s gaze - Blue eyes resting soft, knowing and stormy, heaven’s skies empty of angels. Alternative is standing his ground, refusing to pretend they are not here for a reason, telling himself, “I’m not afraid…”

But, he has never seen anyone with such deep eyes.

They are the windows into an empty soul, a black abyss, absolutely apocalyptic…

Alternative is capricious in his treatment of B, vacillating between animosity and empathy- at times he’s even conspiratorial , allying himself with B and undermining their superiors- beginning to identify with B (even in spite of the language barriers). Backup is clever and naïve and careless, and unreserved in a way that A wishes he felt safe to be. B is the only one that can truly grasp what he is going through but he is also very strange... -- Alternative struggles with trials & setbacks that roll off Backup’s back with ease. B is several years into his understanding of his eyes and it shapes how he moves through the world, what he feels is worth his pain, what ultimately just doesn’t matter. A is, in some ways, what B might have become if he were a little more ignorant, spared the ever present reminder that this is all so temporary.

Alternative has many faces that none are as acutely aware of as B- it is why he doesn’t take the quips and backhanded apologies personally. Alternative’s identity has been tailored to his circumstances — so much of it he had to leave behind to become this -- to his superiors, he is mature, disciplined and motivated -- exemplary if not a bit too austere. To those that benefit him, he is considerate and trustworthy- and honest. To those that he fears will take advantage of him, he is an arrogant and harsh - conniving and spoiled. When he is caught without a persona on hand, he is awkward, reclusive, and reserved. Despite this, his cardinal traits are eloquence and persistence, he thinks deeply about his place in the world and who he should be but not enough on who he is — Only B is audience to moments when he is short sighted and immature, when he is undone or humiliated - when he is elated or truly.. afraid of what lay ahead of them. When he is sick or less than who he wants to present himself as, B has been there whether he wanted him to be or not.

Alternative is attracted to B though it is initially a disquieting realization, one even he doesn’t entirely understand. It isn’t that B is unusually good looking or charming — though perhaps A has peculiar tastes that B unintentionally satisfies (I can’t imagine him actually trying)... The level of intimacy involved in knowing someone this long, on such a personal and inescapable level has made B a source of unwavering acceptance, — because he had to be. The alternative would have been sleeping next to someone he would gradually come to despise any who really wants to live that way? Yet, B comes to represent stability and unconditional regard that feels a lot like love. There is a fraternal element to it in that B anchors who he is. B is someone that has a history with him that hasn’t been erased or eroded -- that contradicts A’s perception of the world as fragile or finite - it is comforting to have something seemingly permanent ... and terrifying that he cannot start anew, if he doesn’t like who he is and cannot be hidden in the obscurity that L enjoys.

When B begins to insinuate an interest in something more, A is not initially receptive and becomes genuinely distressed. This doesn’t translate with any logical sense to B, who believes it’s born out of A’s latent fears of realizing his own sexuality... But, by the time they are entering late adolescence, A is more concerned with the prospect of romance and that becoming L is destined to be a lonely path. He sees their childhood in it’s twilight as a tragic loss that cannot be reclaimed or rewritten, and B’s subtle advances as destructive to the purity of their friendship -- but he can’t stay a child forever even if he feels a sense of unfinished business surrounding it and he can’t keep B there either... It takes B’s attention shifting elsewhere for A to begin softening to the idea that B isn't ruining what's between them but expanding on it.

Alternative has experienced depression -- at some point he was prescribed SSRIs, as a part of basic care for successors. While it does alleviate the depth of his lows, he begins to worry that it is dulling the sharpness of his mind, which he has come to see as central to his self-worth. It may have no foundation in reality but A develops an inconsistent relationship with any medication prescribed to him out of those fears. In the end, - there are some things medicine cannot fix...

A few other small things:

- A loves the smell of lavender and grass, it reminds him of his home though as he gets older this memory is more elusive and he begins to wonder if they memories from funeral flowers or even if they are impressions left over from a dreams.. did he even attend his parents funeral?

- A knows they aren’t allowed to take pictures of each other in Wammy’s for good reason but when Y sneaks a camera into the house one summer evening, he is can’t deny there is something precious about having pictures of B perched on the railing of the back steps - his hair sweep by the wind just as he turns his eyes to look, soft unfocused, — like the tender look he gives him just as he wakes up in the morning before he remembers who they are. A traces the lines of his face while lying beneath his bed, where he tucks it between the boards. It’s only a few years later that he will see how much his friend has matured. -- B hates photographs and will place them face down when they go into Roger’s office. Roger has never understood why.

- A drinks his coffee and tea black as tar. B thinks it is terribly bitter but will bring it to him anyway, unaltered. There is something uniquely enjoyable in knowing that B doesn’t need to be told what he likes~

- A is borderline masochistic though perhaps only B has any inkling of it. He would probably never acknowledge it openly... it is degrading to get a charge out of being hurt.

- A loses his faith around age 10 but still believes that he might as well act as though there is a purpose in being good and not just adept and ruthless. The only alternative, from A’s perspective, is to believe that everything he has been through meant nothing and he will ultimately change nothing. And, that may be too painful a philosophy for him to embrace.

- A’s worst injury occurred when he was deliberately shoved off the roof by an irate B ( thatvhe provoked). While it was a watershed event for A coming so close to death and experiencing the consequences of pushing B beyond that point of caring about consequences... For Backup, this a was also critically informative event, an exercise proving the numbers were infallible -- he was genuinely surprised that A survived the fall and, to a greater degree, surprised that he felt regret in having done it ... left alone in their room to wonder for days, searching for the contraband pictures from that summer A had hidden that could prove if A was even still alive....

#death note #beyond birthday #wammys house #death note a #the first child

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getuponthehydrasback · 5 years

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Fragmentary Memories: Fanfic Preview

This is still a work in progress but I promised yall a rewrite with all of my head canons and its HAPPENING. Gotta love me my Trans! Sora The fic, pairing is SoRikai, with moments of every combination! PS This fic also includes REAL TECHNIQUES FOR DEALING WITH PTSD and Panic attacks

Tap Tap Tap the distant sound of rock against glass persisted againstthe calm sound of rain outside of the small room. On the bed sat a petite feminine figure of a person, crouched in a corner, their back pressed against the walls of their room, and their gaze fixed upon a tan paper, ink etched into its surface. It had become a nightly routine for the ‘girl’ to jot down her thoughts; it helped with the nightmares. On pages she could map out her deepest fears, that which were inarticulable to even those she held dear. The emotions that still ruminated in her soul, and weren’t yet ready to make themselves known. It was a practice she found to be almost sacred in that aside from being the arms (or sometimes plopped down ontop of or in between) of her two dearest people, eased the ever growing fear that nestled in her heart. Though this practice was sacred, she found herself snapped out of the moment by in incessant tapping.

“What on earth is that sound” she exclaimed as she pushed the curtains aside only to see a water drenched boy standing a story below, looking up solemnly at her. “Sora! What the hell are you doing out in the rain, you’ll freeze to death!” She exclaimed as she quickly opened her window.

“I know…it’s stupid but please …” he didn’t have to finish his sentence, Kairi saw the desperation in Sora’s eyes a look she hadn’t seen since the night that changed all of their lives. Without hesitation Kairi held her hand out to him knowing he could make the jump up into her window without rousing the attention of her sleeping grandmother a few doors down.

Sora backed up and ran towards the side of the house, skillfully using the leverage to jump up and grasp Kairi’s hand. Within a few moments he stood, soaked in the middle of her bedroom. “Thank you” he whispered softly, his voice husk and devoid of its usual playfulness. Kairi could make out the puffiness and faint red tint in his eyes and faint salt streaks along his cheeks almost washed away by the rain. Without saying a word Kairi reached out, clasping her hand in his giving him a gentle affirming squeeze. She didn’t have to know what happened or what was wrong, she only knew that whatever it was, it had shaken him to his core.

“Of course, is there anything you need right now, you’re soaked let me get you something to change into”. Kairi offered as she turned to go to her dresser. The suggestion sent a wave of nausea to the boys stomach and itch under his skin in protest; however all he could externalize was a faint defiant tug at her hand.

Drawing her attention back towards him Kairi tilted her head in confusion. Sora’s expression had quickly changed. There was a quick flash of fear, and storminess in his eyes, sending a wave of concern throughout her. Though she began to become increasingly worried about what could have possibly caused such a reaction out of him, she knew that remaining calm would be the best way help her friend. “No worries” she said softly, giving his hand another gentle squeeze. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

Sora’s grip on her hand seemed to tighten at that statement as he averted his gaze. His body was tense, his breathing beginning to become increasingly shallow, as echos and images flashed in his mind.

We’ve had enough of this. You disappear for god knows how long doing god-knows what and you expect us to be okay with it? You’re delusional. You don’t know what youre walking about all of that stress has gotten to your head!

The voices and images of his parent’s anger continued to resonate over and over. His precious belongings, gone, his clothes gone everything. He couldn’t stop the recent memories, they replayed on repeat until he felt a gentle squeeze on his hand again, tethering him to the reality before him. Bringing him back into his body. His gaze darted around the room, taking in their surroundings.

“You’re safe” Kairi whispered softly as to not startle him.

“Sorry” he managed to choke out, worriedly “Sorry…sorry sorry” his words seemed more like expressions to himself, or an invisible other rather than to his friend as he repeated the words.

“It’s okay, I’m not upset, you’re safe…I will stay here with you as long as you need” she responded quietly. “Is it okay to hug you?” she asked to which Sora’s eyes widened and he frantically shook his head.

“Sorry” he replied again, his breathing growing more erratic.

“It’s okay, do you want to try some grounding exercises?” she asked, knowing that Sora’s condition would most likely escalate if he wasn’t able to ground himself soon.

Sora thought for a moment, or rather attempted to gather his scattered fragments of thoughts before slowly shaking his head.

“Okay, what’s five things you can see?” Kairi asked quietly, as she gently ran her thumb along the back of Sora’s hand in a soothing pattern.

Sora couldn’t formulate words but merely pointed to a few items in the room, each item slowly drawing his focus back from the fear ridden fog it had been in. He looked around, noticing the dimly lit lights, he pointed to the note book perched upon Kairi’s pale pink cotton sheets, the Crayon drawings of their adventures hanging on Kairi’s wall, the way Kairi’s face though relaxed, still showed concern in the faint furrow of her brow, the pale pink color of her nails as they brushed against his hand. Sora could only point at the things as Kairi gently urged him on.

“Good, what’s four things you can hear?” she asked again.

Sora closed his eyes for a moment taking in the sound of the rain pounding against the window, the sound of his own slowly stabilizing breathing, his occasional coughs and sniffles, the buzz of the heater, and the calming sound of Kairi’s steady breath. For each thing he heard he managed to choke out a single word indication.

“That’s excellent” she gave his hand another gentle squeeze “What’s three things you can feel?”

Sora thought for a moment, he could feel the gentle caress of Kairi’s fingers stroking his hand, their consistent motion soothing his racing thoughts. He could feel the fuzziness of carpet beneath his feet, as he’d ran over barefoot, and he could feel the cling of his damp clothes against his skin, and the tight nylon fabric of a binder pressed against his chest.

“I-I think…I’m okay…” he managed to respond, as he gave Kairi’s hand a gentle squeeze.

They stood just like that for a few moments in silence, as Sora gathered his thoughts, his breathing had stabilized and his incoherent memories began to solidify. After a few minutes he finally uttered.

“They threw out everything…they hate me…they’re…they’re going to disown me.” His voice cracked at the statement as tears began to fill his eyes. “Everything! All of my clothes, all of my belongings anything they thought was too boyish my parents through out! They screamed at me!”

Kairi felt a wave of anger course through body at Sora’s distress, at the way his usual happy kind eyes seemed so defeated, and broken. She clutched her free hand in a fist, trying to swallow her anger to be fully present for Sora but she couldn’t.

“Listen to me, they’re wrong. They are so incredibly wrong, whatever they think whatever they say, they’re wrong for treating you like that you hear me Sora?” She placed her hands gently on Sora’s cheeks to direct his gaze to her.

He stared back at her, eyes wide with tears. “You’re one of the strongest, kindest, loveliest boys I know, and if they can’t see that, if they can’t see all the things their sonhas done then theyaren’t worthy of you. You’re the boy who saved the universe for crying out loud. And they’re mad because what? They got your gender wrong? I’ll fight both of them goddamit.” Kairi tried her best to manage her anger.

Kairi’s words broke the floodgate Sora had been suppressing in his whirlwind panic. Relief, fear, sadness, hatred, visceral pain all bubbled their way to the surface as Sora reached towards Kairi, burying his face into the crook of her neck in a half attempt to muffle his sobs. Taking Sora’s lead on physical contact, Kairi wrapped her arms around him, gently placing the flat of her hand on his back, and gently rubbed circles into the damp fabric. They stayed like that for a few moments, Kairi’s arms firm around him as he fell apart.

Kairi had always known Sora’s parents did not approve of who he really was even before their journey across worlds, but she never imagined they’d do something as drastic as disown him. During their time on the islands when they were younger, Sora always passed himself off as a tomboy much to his parent’s disapproval. But spending so many years away from them, meeting new people, new places, had allowed Sora the freedom to be himself. No one questioned, no one knew, except her and Riku. Sora had grown into the young man he was always meant to be, and yet, his parents could not see him for who he really was. The thought angered Kairi, the pain they caused him sent her into a rage, but more important than her rage was her ability to comfort her dear friend. She continued to simply breathe deeply and rub soothing circles into the boys back.

After nearly twenty minutes, Sora had cried himself dry. All that he could make out were faint whimpers and sniffles. He’d tired himself out emotionally, his head throbbed and his eyes were puffy and red, contrasting against the electric blue of his irises. “I’m sorry for causing so much trouble…I should probably head back” he managed to whimper out.

“Heck no” Kairi responded adamantly “you’re staying here tonight, or going over Riku’s but no way are you going back to that hell house. You’re no trouble at all I’m glad you came here, and that you’re safe. I will always be there for you Sora, you know that” she gently cupped his cheek with a soft smile.

Sora glanced up at her, his gaze meeting hers for a moment. Her tender smile sending an ache in his chest, the contrast of her kindness against a growing wound he carried, her warmth contrasted against his own. He hadn’t quite realized how warm she was. In their years a part, the quiet girl, had grown to become a kind warm protector. The tenderness of her touch and the gentleness of her smile enveloped him in a sense of safety. Content with her offer he simply nodded and snaked his arms around her in a grateful squeeze.

“I can even call Riku if you want, and make it a sleep over.” She suggested as she began to shift around looking for her phone. “Though god I don’t know what would stop him from not storming over to your house and fighting your parents on sight if he finds out.” She said with a slight chuckle to lighten the mood as she began to step away to grab her phone. However her actions were stopped by Sora tugging her back closer.

“In…in a moment…” he responded softly, not wanting to lose the warmth surrounding him. He felt far to tender and exposed to break the moment.

Kairi let out a surprised huff, before settling back into him, wrapping her arms around him again. Sora in response nuzzled into her and closed his eyes.

Pt 2

#Kingdom Hearts #Fanfiction #Sokai #Sorikai #trans sora #WIP #FM Fanfic

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bamiiib · 5 years

Text

Ethereal | Jung Jaehyun

Masterlist

One | Two | Three | Four | Five

The bitter air brushing against your skin, and a million stars trapped in his eyes. You look at him, as if he were the only last thing in the world that was good, because in your case—he was. It was only a matter if you were truly ready to face the fears, take his hand, and accept the new adventure that awaits.

Words: 5.1K

Category: Modern!AU, Angst, Fluff

Song Rec: Make You Feel My Love — Sleeping at Last

Warnings: Explicit Language & Drinking

A/N: omgomgomgomg... IT’S HAPPENING KIDS! I want to apologize for my weird kind of schedule when it comes to updating. Fortunately I have been able to write more than I ever have and I’m slowly getting the hang of it, in the mean time I hope you all can put up with my lack of updates :( Also this isn’t really proofread/edited, so if there are any mistakes, keep that in mind pls oki thank you ily, enjoy! ps: next chapter might get saucy, but no promises ;) also listen to the song if you want a good sob while you cry uwu

Time stood still, and everything felt as if it were put in a pause, and no one else existed in this world, but the two of you.

It was just you and him, you stared up at him, eyes filled with reminiscent memories, as if everything you had ever went through with him came flashing through your eyes.

Your heartbeat had skyrocketed, cold, clammy sweat that formed onto your palms as you wiped down your hands against your jacket.

You watched, too afraid, and too anxious to say anything, to break the strange limbo of silence you had both fallen in.

Jaehyun breathed out a short laugh, watching his dimples pop, his breath hitched as he buried his hands in the pockets of his beige trench coat, curling his lips and stared into the sky. “It’s pretty chilly out, isn’t it?” He said, as you tilted your head.

Jaehyun turned his attention back towards you, as you rocked back and forth on your heels, staring down at your feet.

The corner of your lips tugging into a faint smile, your eyes finding their way back to Jaehyun and nodded. “Yeah.” Was all you could muster up, unsure of what to say next.

Jaehyun opened his mouth to speak, yet you watched as nothing came out of his lips, as if he were choked up on what to say.

A part of him even looked… scared.

As if he were scared of how you’d react.

Cautious.

“Y/N,” You listened to him whisper your name, sending a strange rush of chills to run down your spine.

“I-I want to talk about what happened.” Your smile had faltered at his sentence, the words echoing in your ears, and taking you back to you sitting down in his car, watching your entire world fall apart, and your fears to devour you entirely.

The tears that were spilt that night, unsure if it was because of your fear of falling in love, or your fear of falling for Jaehyun.

The glint of sorrow that filled your dad’s already sad eyes as he watched you break, more than he already has seen in the past.

The words he said that had stuck to you, your throat went dry, your gaze on Jaehyun falling back to your feet. “I know.” You said, breaking the tension that was beginning to rise.

“You do? Y/N, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to rush you, or make you think that I don’t appreciate what we have now.” Jaehyun was quick to apologize, you watched his feet near yours, and as if by instinct, you took a tiny step back, head snapping towards his direction with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry…” He whispered in the cold night, watching each word that left his lips breathe out into vapor that disappeared into the starlit sky, and you couldn’t help but think of this all as bittersweet.

“Why do you always say that?” You mumbled, eyes wandering to anywhere but Jaehyun.

“Say what?” He asked, confused as his brows furrowed and your hands had tightened into fists.

“You always say sorry, for things you haven’t done. For things you can’t control…” You trembled at your words, your own body rebelling against the emotions you try to keep locked up, as angry tears had stung your eyes.

A type of anger filled with self regret and pure hatred, for yourself.

“I should be the one to apologize… I should be the one spilling endless apologies. Fuck, I’m so selfish.” Your teeth clenched, your breath hitching to a sniffle, you tried your best to choke down the tears.

You were sick of crying, sick of letting your emotions get the best of you, but how else were you supposed to feel?

What else were you supposed to do?

You were confused, and you were scared.

You just wanted this lingering pain to go away, you just wanted answers to questions you weren’t sure you even wanted answers to.

“No—Y/N, you’re not selfish.” Jaehyun had tried to ease your mind with those words. You could practically feel the pity he had blanketed over you.

Your lips quivered, shaking your head endlessly, you wanted to cry, but as much as you tried, nothing would come out.

You had felt empty.

Drained.

You were giving up.

“Yes I am… you treat me good—wonderful even. Every moment I spend with you is like some fucking princess tale, but I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you, Jaehyun… I don’t—” You choked up at your own words, your throat tangling into a knot, you didn’t know what you were saying, yet nothing was stopping you from letting these words spill from your lips.

“What I do deserve is this—this pain.” You began, vision becoming a blur from the tears you were struggling by the second to keep in.

“This pain that just won’t stop, because I’m selfish, and because I’m stupid… ” You continued to ramble, your fists trembling and your knuckles glowing white, you felt your nails dig deep into your skin, sure enough to cause you to bleed, but you didn’t care. Nothing could hurt more than the pain and suffering of emotions you were placing onto yourself.

“Y/N—” Jaehyun attempted to say, but you were quick to interrupt.

“You make me crazy Jaehyun. Why do I have to think of you everyday? Why does your smile do things to my heart? Why do you…” You asked with a shaky breath, looking up to meet his eyes.

Jaehyun watched you with wide eyes, shock filling his expressions, you looked away, and breathed out a dry laugh.

“I try and trick myself not to feel things these. I try so hard to paint you as a villain. To try and find something wrong with you, but I find nothing. Maybe I’m the villain—no. I am.” You shook your head in agreement to your own words, and something had easily felt venomous to the taste about it.

You tried to make yourself the victim to these things, because you were so used to the hurt that took over your heart, you didn’t want to think something good would come to take that pain away.

Or in this case, someone.

“You’re a good person, Jaehyun. Much more than you could ever give yourself credit for. You deserve someone better than me… someone who won’t hurt you, because secretly, they’re scared to be hurt. They’re scared to love.” You shut your eyes, and instantly remember to the painting you had created.

Remembering to your father's words.

You had chose to run.

You had chose to let fear win.

Your eyes fluttered open to look at Jaehyun, seeing the pain fill his eyes as you smiled pathetically. “I’m sorry.” You turned your back, and looked ahead at the empty streets before you.

How lonely everything looked.

How dull everything seemed.

It was just like you.

You sniffled as you choked down your tears, blinking rapidly as you stared ahead with blurred eyes, you had taken a short, hesitant step forward.

You could hear the darkness call you, the shadows welcoming you with dark, tainted hands, ready to bring you back to the familiar, lonely abyss.

Only this time, you were leaving with that familiar bittersweetness in your tongue.

“Y/N, wait!” A voice had called for you from behind, pulling you back into reality when you felt his hand wrap around your wrist.

Your shoulders tensed, but before you could react, you felt warm arms wrap around you, trapping you from going anywhere else.

“Please…” You heard him whimper as he buried his face in the crook of your neck, holding you desperately in his arms, fearing that you will go away if he were to let go.

“Don’t leave… Not again.” He whispered, and with that, a part of you had broke with his words.

“Jaehyun…” You mumbled lowly, bringing your hand towards his chest in attempts to push him away, yet only earning for Jaehyun to respond with a tighter embrace.

“No. Don’t run away. I won’t—” He choked on his words, you felt his body tremble as his voice cracked quietly. “I won’t let you leave me. I can’t… I refuse.” He shook his head, as your hands slowly began to grip onto his white shirt.

You bit the inside of your cheek, shutting your eyes in attempts to wake yourself up from this dream.

None of this had to be real.

He isn’t real.

This was all too good to be true.

You didn’t deserve his kindness.

You didn’t deserve his love.

And yet, he continues to persist, and continues to push forward.

He remained determined to take down the wall you spent years building, to bring light into the darkness in your heart.

“Why…” You whispered, your voice breaking in the process, you can feel the tears come back all over again, why was it, that whenever you had even thought of pushing Jaehyun away, it’d always break your heart?

“I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want the girl who makes me crazy, the girl who makes my heart flutter every time I think about her to leave. Because if she does…” His words trailed, you felt his hands wrapped around your waist travel up to your shoulders as he pulled you away from him so you could look into his eyes. “I might die.” He finished, and with that, you watched the tears that had began to trickle down his face, and your eyes widened at the sight.

You wanted to wipe those tears away.

You wanted to see him smile.

You wanted… him.

“I love you, Y/N… please—please love me back.” He said with a pleading tone, his eyes glossy in tears, yet you could see how hard he tried to choke them back.

You watched, studying every piece of him, scared to forget how he’d look like, even just for a second.

Your brows slanted, and it wasn’t long until the tears that threatened to spill, slowly trickled down your cheeks. “I can’t…” You whispered, looking away from Jaehyun, you felt too ashamed in yourself.

“If you don’t love me, then…” Jaehyun begun, his grip on your shoulders tightening slightly enough for you to look at him with a pain-filled glance.

“Tell me that you hate me. Tell me you never wish to see me again. Please… so I can stop feeling these things for you. Give me a reason not to love you… give me a reason, to stop feeling what I do.” He said strongly, but who was he kidding if he thought he could hide the pain that filled his words.

His hand darted towards yours, taking you by surprise with a short gasp, you didn’t have much time to react as he placed your hand against his chest, feeling his gentle heartbeat. Feeling it break.

“My heart hurts… and I’m scared it’ll break entirely. Please… stay. Please… love me.”

His words shattered your heart.

The thought of hating Jaehyun was too unbearable for you.

The thought of him wanting you to say it, so he can stop feeling for you, made it worse.

“I don’t hate you.” You whispered, looking away once more, you sniffled as your tears continued to spill.

“Then what do you feel? Please, Y/N. I want to know.” He asked, desperate for an answer as he reached back towards your shoulders.

You looked up at him, the tears growing stronger, you sobbed gently, trying your best to move away from Jaehyun, but his grip on you remained stubborn, and your feet remained rooted to the floor.

“Answer me… please.” He begged, your breath shaky, everything was falling apart.

“I love you…” The words escaped your lips, and you yourself couldn’t believe what you had said.

The girl who was impossible to love, falling in love.

How ironic.

Your tears managed to stop, and it felt as if this crushing weight that had been pushing you down for years, was suddenly lifted.

You loved him.

Ever since meeting him, you knew that feeling that took over your heart wouldn’t go away, not while he was still a part of your life.

You loved him, so much that you painted him.

His smile that’d make your heart flutter, and his laugh that’d set the butterflies to roam in your belly.

You loved him.

You loved Jaehyun… so what now?

He breathed out a laugh, but the tears were inevitable in his eyes.

Jaehyun looked scared.

Scared to do anything, scared to speak.

He wanted you to stay, more than anything, and those words that breathed through your lips was enough for him to be reassured, yet something continued to hold him back.

He brought a hand towards your cheek, removing your tears with a swipe of his thumb, his face slowly inching towards yours.

Your heart raced, but not in the way you thought it would.

Bad thoughts entered your mind.

You heard the arguments, listened to all the yelling and fighting.

You watched the love leave their eyes, you didn’t want that.

“Hey…” Jaehyun’s soft voice broke you out of your trance as you looked up at him, as tears rolled down your face.

His eyes that stared at you lovingly, carefully, his gentle grip on your cheek, as he held you close with his other arm.

You stared into his eyes, desperate to find that look your father had.

The sadness, the darkness, the absence of love.

He didn’t have that look.

Far from it.

You were so unsure, so cautious.

So…

“I’m scared.” You mumbled with a pathetic smile, your hands falling from Jaehyun and to your sides, your hands balled into tight fists.

Jaehyun bit his bottom lip, eyes roaming from your own, and down towards your lips.

He smiled, laughing dryly before nodding his head.

“Yeah… me too.”

With that, your face had softened, your tears stopped, and that pathetic smile you had painted, soon curved into one of joy.

Relief.

Love.

Your eyes fluttered closed, you felt his breath tickle against your skin, his lips that ghosted over yours, your stomach churned, littered with the butterflies that were swarming your stomach.

His hand that rested on your waist, pulling you close, and soon enough, the little gap was closed.

His lips felt warm and soft against yours, dancing in unison as he held your face gently.

Kissing him had felt like a billion fireworks went off, your heart had skyrocketed, and for once, everything that you thought was bad about love, all thrown away.

Your hands snaked up around his neck, the hand he had against your cheek falling to the one wrapped around your waist, embracing you, and remained his lips against yours.

It was passionate, yet slow.

Warm, and comforting.

It made your heart soar.

You broke the kiss, your faces remained close to each others as you stared deeply into his eyes. Jaehyun smiled, and for once, you didn’t feel scared anymore.

You sighed deeply and rested your foreheads against each other, hands falling down to meet his own, intertwining your fingers with his as you stayed like that in the silence.

Standing in the middle of an empty street on a cold winter night, listening to the wind rustle around you, and your soft, gentle breaths.

When you moved away to look at Jaehyun more clearly, his smile was just as affectionate as ever, enough for you to smile just as wide.

At that moment, you watched a tiny flake of white fall onto his shoulder, and with a raised brow, the two of you looked up at the star-filled sky, and watched as the first snowfall had begin to decorate the scene.

You listened to his laugh, earning a chuckle from you as well, you curled your lips and tasted the sweet milk and honey taste that stained Jaehyun's lips to your own.

“You know…” Jaehyun started as you looked back down at him with a hum.

“You’d expect to see this kind of stuff in the movies.” He finished, and you laughed, nodding your head. “This does look a bit cheesy.” You said with a smile, staring into the stars trapped in Jaehyun’s eyes, you felt euphoric in his grasp, and enchanted in his stare.

It was silent for a moment, and you two stood there, staring into each other.

His smile soon dropped, but the passion never ceased to die away from his eyes, as his grasp around your waist tightened.

You stared into those eyes of his, and found something new ignite in them.

You watched the sense of need, and the sense of want that filled his piercing gaze.

One in which you didn’t dare to break.

“Y/N…” He whispered huskily into your ear, earning shivers to run down your spine, and goosebumps to rise.

You swallowed the lump that formed on your throat, feeling your face instantly burn up, he could only snicker at your reaction.

“Jaehyun…” You whispered back, watching his face inch closer towards yours, feeling the familiar, violent pounds of your heart as his lips ghosted over yours.

“Be mine…” He whispered, his breath pushing against your lips, itching to just touch them, to close that gap and take him as yours.

“Okay.” You replied gently, your eyes shut close, expecting to meet his lips, but instead, listened to a door slam wide open, and a group of twenty-something year old men screaming like fourteen year old fangirls.

Your eyes snapped wide open, but you didn’t dare look to meet the teasing stares of the boys burning at the two of you.

Instead, you buried your head in Jaehyun’s chest, tucking your arms around his waist, under his coat in attempts to hide yourself even further.

You felt the vibrations of Jaehyun’s laugh against you as he brought a hand to hug you gently with both arms. “So much for privacy, huh?” Jaehyun asked, yet you could hear the annoyance buried in his chuckles.

“You’re literally standing practically in the middle of the damn street, you should be the last person to talk about ‘privacy’!” You heard Ten shout, and soon, heard the endless footsteps of the boys nearing the two of you.

You groaned, removing yourself from Jaehyun as you glared over at the boys, who could only smile innocently at you.

“Were you guys watching?!” You shouted, your face burning hot, enough for you to forget about the piercing winter breeze that blew against you.

“At first we weren’t, but I eventually found out that you left so I checked through the window if you were still here and…” Johnny stepped towards the front and shrugged innocently.

You sighed, face palming, then turning back to Jaehyun who watched you with wide, confused eyes. You opened your mouth to speak, but you didn’t know what to say anymore.

Instead, you turned back to the boys and nodded in defeat.

“Alright, whatever. Let’s just go inside now before we get fucking frostbite or something.” You crossed your arms, glaring at the boys as they nodded their heads with a snicker and all went back inside Johnny’s house.

You sighed in content, walking towards the door, only to be stopped by a gentle grip that wrapped around your wrist, pulling you to them as you crashed against their chest.

You couldn’t help but giggle, knowing all too well who it was before you could even look into their eyes.

Once you did however, you smiled to see Jaehyun stare down at you with those eyes you found so hypnotized by.

“So…” He said, his hand moving from your wrist, to your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours. “So?” You asked, tilting your head in a hum.

“Date me?” He asked with a wide grin plastered onto his thin lips.

You averted your eyes away from him, as if you were stuck in thought, but when you felt his grip on your hand tighten, you laughed and pressed a quick peck on his lips.

“Sure.” You said with glee, watching as Jaehyun hummed happily, leaning towards you for another kiss, but you were quick and placed your hand in between the two of you.

“We should go inside before they try to make fun of us again...” You said, shy at first, but with a mischievous grin, you left quickly, heading inside before Jaehyun could speak.

The rest of the night seemed to go by smoothly, and for once, you didn’t feel scared of anything anymore. That crushing weight pushing down on your chest, suddenly lifted, and finally, you felt like you could actually breathe.

You weren’t suffocating in fear and darkness.

Instead, you breathed in the fresh air that came with him.

Drank the warm milk and honey that dripped from his soft, sweet lips.

All that bitterness, wiped away, and filled with nothing but the sweet.

Finally, you felt at peace. As you continued to watch movies, the boys decided to think it’d be a good idea to have some beer while watching.

Soon movies had then turned to a sudden party amongst the drunks.

You decided to sit down, and just watch all the chaos unfold in front of you.

Luckily, you weren’t by yourself.

Jaehyun sat right next to you, his arm wrapped around your shoulder, and his hand interlocked with yours. You both leaned against the seat, your head pressed against his chest, you closed your eyes and despite all the endless shouting, you wished you could stay like this forever.

It was when you heard the boys screaming in laughter, you opened your eyes to see that they were starting to play strip poker.

You rolled your eyes, deciding you had enough, and it seemed it wasn’t just you with that thought. Jaehyun got up, placing himself in front of you and offered you his hand.

“Let’s get out of here before things get worse?” He said with a playful grin.

You looked up at him, breathing out a laugh and took his hand. “I think that’s the best idea anyone has had today.” You took his hand, standing by his side and intertwined your fingers in his, taking in the warmth with a gentle smile.

You both tiptoed your way out the door, you taking one last glance at the boys as Ten took the vodka bottle and attempted to chug it, only to spit it all out right away.

You rolled your eyes and grimaced, feeling a tug from Jaehyun’s hand, your grimace then turned to a smile as you rushed out the door, shutting it right behind you.

Staring at the door in front of you, listening to the muffled shouts, you sighed in what felt like content. Relief. As if everything was finally going right in a world that you felt was full of wrongs.

When you turned around, you were instantly met with a pair of lips pressing softly against your own, earning a short gasp from you in response.

Eventually, you fell quick into the kiss, wrapping your arms around Jaehyun’s neck, as you could feel him smile in the kiss. It made your heart flutter.

You broke the kiss, resting your foreheads against each other, as your hands slid down from his neck, then resting against his chest.

You stood there in silence, listening to the wind that blew against your skin.

When you pulled away from Jaehyun, you stared into his eyes, and for a second, you were sure of it that you could find a thousand stars trapped in them.

You felt as if you were floating in his embrace, his hands that held your waist delicately, you never wanted him to let go. “Mine. All mine.” You heard him whisper, as he stared down at your lips.

Your face had instantly flushed, flashing him a drunken smile, intoxicated by everything that was him.

Mine.

Yeah.

That’s what you were.

That’s all you ever wanted to be, from the moment you first laid eyes on him.

To be his.

Only his.

You had felt free, and Jaehyun had saw, and with that freedom, he granted you endless adventure with just one take of his hand.

You hit his chest, giggling under your breath as you averted your eyes away from him, fearing that your heart will give up entirely if you looked into those eyes of his.

“So… what should we do, now that we escaped from them?” You said, tugging onto Jaehyun’s coat, pulling him closer to you with a mischievous grin.

At that moment, you hadn’t realize what you were doing.

Where this sudden confidence had come from.

Were you going too fast?

Were you giving him the wrong idea?

No.

You didn’t know what to do anymore, really.

Having him here, like this, it made you think in that short moment of silence.

You had thought back to the empty expressions when boys from your highschool would hold your hand. The dull feeling in your heart when they pressed their lips against you.

You felt numb from it.

How you’d feel nothing when they looked at you as if you were their everything.

You were so empty, so numb from it all.

You had pretended that you were happy, just so you can feel something, but the only emotion that bubbled in your heart from your highschool days, were fear.

Pain.

You only did it, so they can all stop talking.

So they can all stop thinking that they can read you like an open book.

It’s what pushed your fear, and what pushed you to stop trying anymore, to shut away that part of your life.

You didn’t want to feel that numbness anymore.

You didn’t want to feel fear suffocating you to the point where you wished to just end it all.

You didn’t want to risk putting real emotion, because you didn't want to end up like your parents. You didn’t want them to leave you, like how your mother left your father.

Or perhaps… you leaving them.

Your hands fell from Jaehyun’s coat, your smile faltering as your brows furrowed.

Were you making the right decision?

Should you have listened to your heart?

What if it’s all some trick?

What if he will hurt you?

No, he can’t.

He won’t.

Jaehyun isn’t like that… but are you?

“You okay…?” Jaehyun’s whisper had snapped you back, and when you felt his hand cup your cheek, your eyes widened as your head snapped in his direction.

The coldness that crept in your heart, gone, and filled with the warmth of his touch.

You didn’t know what to expect from this new door you had allowed yourself to have gone through.

Were you scared?

Absolutely petrified.

Did you want to back down?

A little.

So, when you looked deep into his eyes, eyes trailing down to that smile of his, decorated with dimples you fell in love with, despite that fear, and despite those doubts that filled your mind, you had felt at ease.

You wanted to take the risks.

If it meant being with him, and that was something you could no longer deny anymore.

You just wanted him.

Jaehyun.

You hadn’t realize how fast your heart was beating until you rose your hands back towards his coat, and without second thought, pulled Jaehyun and crashed your lips with his.

You weren’t sure what to think anymore, but for the first time in your life, you had decided to listen to your heart, rather than your brain for once.

And in your heart, was Jaehyun.

You kissed him with passion, eagerness, and a sense of need.

Despite the flames that ignited in your heart, the heat that radiated throughout your body, it was still chaste.

Soft.

Patient, in a strange way.

He was nothing like those boys with faces you can hardly remember.

You didn’t feel empty when you looked into his eyes full of so much passion, so much… determination.

You no longer felt scared.

Instead, you felt as if you were flying.

You felt… euphoric.

Everything had seemed unreal.

As if everything was pulled from a dream.

A dream you didn't want to wake up from.

A dream you wish you can live in forever.

Your hands roamed towards his neck, reaching over for his hair as you tugged ever so slightly, earning a small groan from Jaehyun, he was quick to pull away.

You looked at him, flushed and embarrassed, maybe you were too quick.

“I-I… sorry.” You cleared your throat, faking a quick smile and looked away, unsure what to do, what to say. You didn’t want to look at Jaehyun, despite feeling his burning stare at you.

“Don’t be.” His response earned you to look at him, shocked. Stunned.

He smiled, but this time, it didn’t seem like the usual, friendly smile that made your heart soar. Instead, it was the type of smile filled with mischief, one that was up to no good, and it made your adrenaline run.

“But maybe we shouldn’t be doing this right in front of Johnny’s house. They can still walk in on us, y’know.” Jaehyun said with a wriggle of his brows.

Your eyes widened, and when you turned your head, had realized that you guys seemed to have gone absolutely nowhere, as you can still hear the muffled shouts of the boys over the door.

You cursed under your breath, but when you heard Jaehyun’s short chuckles, had laughed alongside with him.

“Where to then?” You said with a tilt in your head, keeping your hands wrapped around Jaehyun, and his arms wrapped around you.

“I say we get in my car, drive around for a bit, and see what leads up from there.” He said with a wink, and you chuckled, nodding your head and pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

“Sounds good.” You said, and reached for his hand. His car wasn’t far from Johnny’s house, and soon, his Mustang had then come into sight.

Jaehyun quickly removed his hand from yours, jogging towards his car, and opened the door to the passengers side.

“Your carriage, princess.” He said with a snort. You smiled widely, and decided to quickly play into the scene. You curtsied, nodding your head when you looked back up at him.

“Why thank you good sir.” You said with a fake British accent, and climbed inside the car.

Jaehyun quickly adjusted himself in the driver's seat, and as you placed your phone in the aux cord as the usual routine, you both had went off into the night, driving into whatever adventure lies for you.

To whatever journey waited for you, and this time, you were ready.

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