#tell me to eat to save my life

[vakta]

"eat for me please" makes me want to throw up tbh

#that isnt support that is blackmailing #and are you telling me you literally cant think of any of the thousands of legit resons to eat? for you?? thats the best reason?? #even the most basic ones are better than that like tell me to eat so that i can have a life #tell me to eat to save my life #or so that my brain works properly or bc its a must that every human is entitled to do #shit just tell me to eat bc it tastes good even that works better #it feels like you dont want me to get better for myself but bc my illness is inconvenient to you #which it is i know and im so sorry i cant put it into words and im so ashamed of myself and im grateful you havent given up on me yet #but i have to get better for myself #stfu i wont eat for you im only eating for myself #except if you depend on me like i cant take care of you properly if i dont nourish myself well in that case yes i will eat for you too #sorry abt getting this angry i dont want to hurt anyone who wants to help #i should have said it more calmly and understandingly #im sorry it just literally makes me want to eat less #anyways maybe i will make a proper post abt this lol #vakta long posts #long bc of the tags again

[oatbugs]

Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship

#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it #it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper #provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the #interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after #50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked #his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it #he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from #when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has #his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever #but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how #we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe #cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna #back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed #practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence #we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one #who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted #to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say #goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art. #you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea? #if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa #the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding #his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.

[needylittlegirl]

i dont like the things going on right now ! ! ! !

#and by things i mean my cat acting weird #he hasnt been eating good or coming by me as much and hes been more vocal than usual #i dont usually get scared when he acts off for a day or two like hes a cat he goes through phases i know #but this time feels really really different and i dont know why #i cant tell if im just overthinking it or if it does feel different #im gonna try to find a vet that wont take my entire life savings for absolutely nothing but #im just scared #ive had a weird little ball of anxiety in my chest all day and i couldnt figure out what it was #until i watched him sniff his favorite food and just walk away #he didnt even come to see me :( #i dont wanna go to sleep what if something happens tonight #tbd

[johanthefriskiestofbits]

oooooo please tell me (who knows nothing on the subject) about orv swap au

hehehe. hehehehehehe. hehehehehehehhehehehhheheheh <- guy who is so normal

the premise of orv swap au (name has yet to be finalized) is this: what if kdj and yjh swapped narrative positions (reader <-> character) but very little else? what if a video game player enters a time loop to save his favorite character from dying over and over again and also to end the apocalypse?

admittedly it's not super fleshed out yet (a lot of the changes this premise would introduce are still not hammered out yet) but here are some points under the cut (novel spoilers ahead!)

orv swap au starts with pro gamer yjh who feels :/ abt his job, but hey, it pays the bills. despite (or maybe because of) his relative popularity as a pro gamer and networking with the agency/sponsors/people to impress, he's kind of isolated in a way that's detrimental, a facade of someone he's not whenever he's on camera

something to play around with is the idea of agency? maybe this yjh doesn't feel like he has any and has his hands tied between the lifestyle and being under public scrutiny and not having enough of a support system to leave everything behind. maybe he doesn't know what else he would even do. maybe he's aimless and drifting with nothing to hold on to.

his favorite video game is what i've been thinking of as World's Hardest To Play Indie Game (not based on difficulty but just on the experience of consuming it) a boring, exposition heavy, player-hostile, poorly designed, slightly buggy mess of a barely-playable game: twsa, a game that was not finished upon release and experiences with sporadic updates every now and then.

the ending tree to this game is so convoluted its insane. also theres no save states so if you die (very likely) u restart babeyyy.

twsa (video game) does have multiple endings, all of which happen when kdj, your main character, dies. some are farther into the apocolypse than others, some paths require meta knowledge of future events or character actions or items or whatever. the "true ending" is either analogous to the original 1863: kdj makes it to the end at the cost of everyone he loves, or hsy's modified 1863: kdj makes himself enemy of the scenario to secure a way out for the kimcom remnants.

there's branches on the choices tree where everyone dies and everything sucks and is bad forever and theres choices to make where kdj gets to make a family and they don't really get to settle down but they can get pretty close to it among the ruins of the apocalypse. through all his testing, yjh finds that these endings are nice but peter out - to get to the end of the apocalypse yjh has to claw his way there inch by painful inch, through betrayal and sacrifice, and he still cant fully get past it

i originally wanted to finagle a yoohankim 3 way swap but i couldn't figure it out. swap aus are a lot easier to work with when they're even numbers, at least to me, so this au features a ysa who is a video game company employee by day and by night she really has become god this time (and also a terrible indie dev). and this is how jungdoksang can still win !!!!

also yjh's coworker from Real Life hsy :) i haven't decided if she's like an employee for the same agency, or if she's someone else in the gaming circles that yjh interacts with sometimes (in my heart theyre in like some sort of discord server together), or something like that but she's around. whatever she does she is twitter cancelled for something. to me.

the only other character swaps are lsk and yma. yma is yjh's estranged sister (in broad strokes there's a vague bad parent situation going on here) (they used to be close until they drifted apart and slowly started hating each other [there is an abyss between them that neither of them can bridge]) (he feels that she betrayed him and threw him under the bus so he left [maybe he gets kicked out]) (she feels that he abandoned her to whatever situation they have going on [he didn't even try to take her with him]) and he has to find her when the apocalypse starts. yjh older sibling to yma gives us a whole different little dynamic to explore from kdj ysk (there's different levels of responsibility and guilt and blame when you're talking siblings that are soooooo interesting to me. sorry that i see any set of siblings and immediately try to figure out how to make them worse)

lsk is kdj's mom who appeared into existence at some point with kdj and they were both just adults. that's weird isn't it. oh well. i guess she can become a transcendent later too for funsies

everyone else stays in the same configuration of Real Person vs Character to me this is a very important aspect

this point has no precedent with the swap, nothing particular that would change to cause this, but it would be so funny if lgy was a little gamer boy who is an avid yjh hater. hates that guy. shows up to competitions to boo him. tunes into yjh's silent no-mic speedrunning streams to mald in chat but yjh +mods don't ban him bc its kinda funny.

anyways the apocalypse starts when yjh and his coworker/fellow gamer hsy are on a train to twitchcon and lgy is also there (also headed to twitchcon) and he brings bugs because he likes them but also to sabotage yjh specifically. its just funny if this happened. you understand

instead of having reader-related skills and abilities, yjh's skills are video game player based! he gets flavor text insight on people, location, and items, things like that. notably, he has the ability to reset, to bring himself back to the beginning of the apocalypse

orv swap proper follows yjh as the Player of the Game (Consumer of the Narrative) who lives hundred of lifetimes in this ruined-world-become-reality "replaying" [read: time looping through] the game to reshape it to save his fave character from self implosion (kdj with no dissociation is very prone to dying. all the time.). to revisit the idea of playing with yjh and the idea of agency, of creation, the only way to get past the apocalypse is to go off the beaten path, to choose options that weren't even there in the game. when in space, at his darkest point, yjh becomes a writer. in this story, at his darkest point, he has to become a creator too

please do not ask me how the epilogues go i dont know how the epilogues go (i don't want to throw yjh back into a train for milennia after he Just went through a thousand resets so i'm sending kdj for that but i havent fully planned how or why)

anyways, hope that helps!!! :)

#orv au #orvswap #i think i will main tag this. just the one tag tho. poorly planned au be upon ye. #orv #orv spoilers #<- for blacklists! #i only realized after creating this au that this is just how p//mmm goes except its videogame themed and hater lgy is there lol #anyways wheres that post that says time loops are about tragedy and theyre about saying i will make this right #and secret third thing time loops are about love #also each individual dynamic for the creater-player-character triangle in this is so interesting to me to explore like #you have the new kdj-yjh one (mostly similar tbh. was the crux of the au after all) which is a fun space to play in #but then you have a brand new kdj-ysa one to work with which is !!!! a writer and her character. a creator and her creation #and then you have ysa-yjh as the creator and her audience of 1!!!!!!! where is yjh that he needs to be saved? how does ysa answer that call #to love to the point of creation.... to tear the world asunder..... to create the worlds most unplayable rpg....... #lets meet again in another life. ysa reaches out toward yjh but cant reach him before she wakes up. cant quite tell him its not his fault #and Dont Even get me Started on yoo sister dynamics ill go insane #because theyre siblings but for a while (and def at the beginning of the story) it hurts to be around each other (its a betrayal #its a pang in your chest its a you were supposed to protect me and you were supposed to love me and i dont even know you anymore) #but also the swap means the 4th wall eats yma and leaves yjh begging for her back ('dont you hate her?' 'shes my little sister' #which is neither agreement nor denial but also both at once) #its ya boi #tango mango #anyways thanks for the ask im very normal about the ask

[m00ngbin]

Sometimes I think of Chicken Little from the movie Chicken Little and cry bc he's just a kid and he's all alone and his dad is ashamed of him and he lost his mother and he gets bullied and harassed bc he's small and kind of strange and he's the only person in the world that knows that the sky is falling and when he tries to tell people they don't believe him

#I WOULD HAVE BELIEVED HIM #ALL THAT PRESSURE ON THAT POOR LITTLE KID #AND THEN HE HAS TO SAVE THE WHOLE TOWN FROM THE ALIENS #THE ENTIRE TOWN THAT OSTRACIZED AND BULLIED HIM BTW #EVEN THE FUCKING MAYOR #LIKE ARE YOU SHITTING ME?? #i wouldnt have done it #i would have just left them to get vaporized into the void #idk just after all that hes still so kind and he cares about everybody in that stupid town #AND THE SCENE WHERE HES LIKE BEGGING AND PLEADING WITH HIS FATHER TO JUST BELIEVE HIM #BC IF NOBODY ELSE HAS HIS BACK AT LEAST HIS DAD SHOULD #and he DIDNT #OH AND HIS DAD PURPOSELY SEPARATED HIMSELF FROM CHICKEN LITTLE BECAUSE HE WAS SO EMBARRASSED AND ASHAMED #IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY #idk chicken little makes me really sad #I KNOW THE DAD IS HAVING A HARD TIME I KNOW HES STILL GRIEVING HIS WIFE BUT OH MY GOD #YOUR SON NEEDS YOU. HE HAS NEEDED YOU AND YOU ARE JUST NOT THERE FOR HIM #i could have been a better parent #i could have done it i would have loved him the way he deserved #OH AND HE ONLY HAS LIKE THREE PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE THAT REALLY LOVE HIM COMPLETELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY #AND THEYRE ALL STRANGE AND OSTRACIZED JUST LIKE HE IS #the troupe of people that are othered finding each other. seeing their faults. and loving each other the way that they should be loved #will always EAT ME ALIVE #what was he. like 12? #if i had been in that movie i would have LOST IT if a kid that little had to go through and deal with all of the things that he had to #pretty much alone for most of the movie #i meam he had his three friends for half of it but theres a lot he had to do alone #i just watched it can you tell

[wabblebees]

.

#been fighting for my fucking LIFE against a 24hr migraine #after gettin home from work yesterday i tried Everything. #sleeping+water+food+meds+staggering MORE meds+showering w/the lights off+massaging to release my clenched jaw+tea+sunglasses inside+etc #gave up on getting rid of it a WHILE ago & have just been riding the waves #so tell me why. just now. after eating thee Worst microwave burrito of my entire life. its FINALLY RECEEDED. to be just my normal headache. #im not joking. #the last 24hrs ive been making SURE to have Real Nutrients in my body bc ik thats like. step 1 to ''make the Pain Brain bearable'' #and yet nothing. NOTHING has put a dent in it. save for the worlds soggiest shittiest frozen burrito #im like. legit kinda mad abt this lmfao #i microwaved that fucker and horked it down even tho what ive been craving all day is mediterranean food bc we dont HAVE any close enough #but what we do have. is frozen shitty burritos. and granted ! my headache is not Gone. but my headache is NEVER Gone #ive had the same headache since i was 12 #but legitimately 2 minutes after that stupid burrito. we went from a 7/10 on the headache scale to a FOUR #infuriating. i deserve gyro after all that. or maybe shawarma... #neither of which we have in the house. terrible #anyway. complaint session over lmao #if u read this ily. mwah.<3 kthanxbye #bee speaks

[abby420]

girls will try to have a normal night and then suddenly they are writing 1k words about their teenage years and how no one parented them and they were placed in unsafe conditions and no one cared and no one fed them

#hahahahah :) #just a normal night #oh the fun part of your 20s where you reckon with the fact that teenage trauma is also childhood trauma! #oh it was bad!!! #and being neglected from 15-18 was prob not good!! #and not being cared for since you were 14 is bad! #and has life long consequences! #right now i’m feeling like that quote ‘i want someone to tell me what to eat what to wear etc’ #someone fucking wrap me in a blanket and take care of me #maybe i’ll post those 1k words here though #if anyone cares #or maybe will resonate with it #or maybe i’ll save it for my inevitable memoir

[runawaycarouselhorse]

Me, looking at the new wave, having never stopped wearing masks outside: huh.

#I'm very much enjoying not catching colds or flus either #personal #I'm also enjoying MUCH less 'ayn and headaches when I go outside so liberating to work with people for months and have no one know you're #particularly ~pretty~ until you take off the mask to eat cake being served on a going-away party for old staff #it's cute to be complimented then but it's sure not cute when several people mistreat you and act envious and catty because of your looks #like I used to deal with... #I forgot I left my mask down like two days ago after eating and thought someone was being sarcastic when they went (MA SHA ALLAH!) at me #I was like...... what. #can they tell I was eating??? I hid away when I did... #am I being mocked for eating food after a life saving case what... is it. #then I realized oh... I forgot to bring my mask up to cover my mouth and nose

[bo0zey]

boys be mad asl when i don’t giggle n tehe n show cute emotions like bitch my wounded inner child just got done drunk sniveling begging for daddy not to yell n hate her while her intoxicated narcissistic father screamed n gaslit her until she dissociated to euthymic plane 🙄🙄🙄

#‘trauma dumping’ eat my shorts loser assholss #so funny he said if my narcissistic sociopathic insane brother killed himself then it’s ‘goodbye to the rest of y’all too’ #like ohhhhh so ur eldest daughter n youngest son don’t mean jack fuckjn shit to u right??? lmfao lolll #yeah just go rot with that selfish egotistic psycho while ur 15yr old son who lost his mom at 7yrs old #i want to strangle my fuckjgnf dad sometimes he’s so cruel n said so many mean things to me #he always has to defend my middle brother ‘he’s depressed what if he kms’ like??? #my middle brother literally manipulates tf out of my dumbass emotionally unintelligent father he’s tearing this family apart #meanwhile i never planned on seeing 18 nor living past 22 n now i have to go exist n find a job when i never thought i’d have to do this sh #shit ever b. i was supposed to #be dead 4 years ago lololllll #god forbid i tell him that or my plan to kms at 27 lollll #so worried abt a fucking LOST SOCIOPATH SEFISH NARCISSITIC CAUSE ur gonna make me and my baby brother suffer?? as orphans ?? #my dad n i used to get breakfast every sunday in middle school n talk abt life n drive around after n those days meant the world to me #i never realized how much i missed them. how much i looked forward to him saying he’d call me while i’m away at college #but my middle brother egosticizl fuck is like ‘lolyh i just nod n say what dad wants me to hear’ when my dad is trying so hard to save him f #my dad admitted to neglecting my lil bro lol it makes me so fkcing angry he doesn’t give af abt us #says ‘im worth more im the ground than i am alive’ n my inner teen bursts into tears bc she experienced that already #yeah moms life insurance money was so fun!! until it ran out bc of college n impulsive manic spending n the materialistic thrill never laste #i want to hate him but i can’t even deny i love him so much he hurts me and everyone i love and disappoints us all n we still care for him #he’s letting my brother fuckjgn kill him literlaly my dad is physically sick bc of my sociopath narcissistic bros drama #he blames me for not going to him n telling him abt my ‘’mental issues’ as if i didn’t have to grow up n become mom the day after my 16th #i am my mothers child he didn’t know anything abt our childhoods until she died and he had to step up n parent us himself #he doesn’t know what it means to be a parent he shouldn’t be a parent but oh fuckjgn well oh my god WE ARE YOUR KIDSMWE NEED YOU WH #WHY CANT YOU SHOW US YOU CARE WHEN WE ALL HAD TO LEARN ALL WE HAVE IS OURSELVES #i am so angry he tried to throw me under the bus abt not having a job as a new grad nurse instead of my brother for dropping out everything #ur son wants to drop his ap classes bc he procrastinated n doesn’t wNna do the work so now he’s manipulating u to let him quit #i am just not exiting the identity crisis coming to terms w the fact that i’m 22yrs old n alive n need to start living n working #tonight was a shitshow but the ending calmed down but i couldn’t stop crying sniveling whimpering when dad yelled #yelled n accused n attacked me n chose to defend my middle bro over me like..he’s trying to kill u n i freaked out bc stepmom said u cut #ramblings

[me-a-mess-morelikelythanyouthink]

hey alexa what’s the morality of pretending you picked up a spare shift at work and that’s why you ghosted your friend for a day because talking to them is draining and you were very tired last night and now it’s been over 18 hours and it’s a bit awkward to respond now

#silv's back on her bs #vent #sors but oh my god #i love my friends i love him but it's just so. #it is so draining talking to him when all he seems to talk about is how much happier he is (which is v good im happy for him) now that he's #friends w me and some other people and how we're so much better and we're his best friends and his other current friends are the worst and #his life USED to suck but now it's so much better but remember how much it sucked and yk fuck whatever we were talking about before when we #can talk about how bad the past was for him i just #i feel so bad for saying that bc i genuinely love him (/p) and want to be able to talk to him but i'm so drained from literally everything #else going on in my life that when i see his notifs pop up i just. can't be bothered to open them #he texts the gc last night like 'you guys have different friend groups that you eat w at lunch right?' (we have lunch together every other #day bc of club stuff) and when me and my other friend was like 'yeah what's up' he starts going on about how his current friends suck and #ignore him and i feel so bad for being annoyed at him for this but i just #need a second to BREATHE for gods sake #i do not blame him for feeling terrible and i know that I need to tell him how im feeling but i just. #i'm consistently never getting enough sleep and am piled under assignments that were due way too long ago and i'm drowning okay #and i feel like there's literally no one there as a lifeguard that i can count on and someone that i thought could at least be floating #above me (not needed to save me but at least There) is pushing me down further #i just #god #sorry that was a bit silly of me

[kalloway]

FAUST

------------------------------------------------------

(lore/blurb about him under the cut, if ur interested)

Suggestive joke & double entendre connoisseur, and the visitor to many a person’s bed, Faust is, perhaps, the friendliest and most personable person under the Professor’s employ. His entire character is generally summed up in two (three?) words -- sleazy cat-boy... but if you bother to get to know him on a personal level, you may realize that it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

He has a relatively carefree personality, trying to simply enjoy life one day at a time and prioritize having a good time over any kind of stressful work. That’s not to say he doesn’t do his job well though - there’s a reason the Professor trusts him enough to work for him, after all.

Faust is a hybrid - His cat-like features are a result of artificial replacements... and fate simply not favouring anything ‘ordinary’. A mix-up in an order for artificial optics gave him cat-like eyes, and beyond that point he simply decided ‘why not have some fun with it?’, thus trading in his partially-deaf sense of (human) hearing for enhanced auditory replacements.

Despite his optimism and outward ‘charm’, Faust is also a very lucky example of what can happen if you are ill-fated enough to be a victim of organ harvesting. Without the intervention of the Professor and Dr. Bernhardt (mostly the latter), he wouldn’t have survived. Even then, being clinically dead for almost three minutes before being revived was enough to give him rather severe amnesia -- ‘Faust’ is not his birth name. He has very little memory about who he used to be... and likes keeping it that way.

Whoever he used to be, isn’t who he is now, and he isn’t about to waste a chance to enjoy this newfound life of his by making himself miserable looking into who he was and what he can’t go back to.

------------------------------------------------------

Faust is technically an (JJBA) Android AU insert/redesign of the Cat-Man character from my JoJo reader-insert fanfic 'Midnight Meetings with a Manticore' over on AO3. He was intended to be one big shitpost... but then he actually ended up being the one character my friend and I are super invested in fhfgdj He's a hella self-indulgent (and fun) character though... truly me rejecting the concept of 'cringe', even if his design makes me super embarrassed to share LOL

#android au #oc #original character #catboy #myart #as u can tell by the date on the picture itself... I sat on this for a bit before getting the courage to post it xD #or like idk - feels like I coulda added more but I worried I was just getting fussy so I decided to just call it done and move on :') #i make a way bigger deal out of this than it actually is tho - my whole life i was super uncomfy around dudes who didn't... wear shirts #(which was usually older dudes tbf) so this is me trying to work past that I guess??? Faust only throws a shirt on to go eat somewhere LOL #anyway im tired of denying myself nice things because it's 'cringe' and im hoping Faust is a good step in that direction gdjhdd #v pleased with how he turned out tho! he is cute and also thank u again Mag for helping me with the anatomy so much when u didnt have to ;u; #OH in case u read this far into the tags and are curious about him... Faust is like 5'8" cuz he's supposed to stand out from the like #beef and sausage fest that is the majority of this AU's characters (cuz it's mostly Dio) LMAO #ohhh another snippet I guess I can share: #Faust isn't as scarred as he COULD have been (and was) after his life-saving transplants/surgeries - but they're the only like #outward sign he's gone through what he has (which also in a way keeps him safe from being jumped a second time) #he'll always joke or make up stories about them though - after all some people think scars are pretty hot right? it works for him 8)

[angelbandagesmoved]

my dad really starts arguments for things that don't need to be arguments and then tells me to pick and choose my battles

#I feel like I sound spoiled but my dad's done this all my life #I tell him I don't like a restaurant and it's fine for him to not get me anything when he goes to that restaurant #then he gets me something that I've said over and over again I DON'T LIKE #and when I don't like it as I didn't the first 100 times he gets very mad and says #you eat it when I make it at home so you're just being an asshole #like sure. I do eat it at home. but that's like saying because you like french fries you suddenly like every french fry at any restaurant #I'm allowed to dislike and like certain restaurants based on how I think their food tastes #and it feels like he's just trying to deflect blame by saying I'M the asshole when really....he just could have listened when I told him #it's fine not to get me anything from that restaurant. save your money. #vent #vent in tags

[imthatqueerkid]

#tw emetophobia #i think im gonna throw up #i haye her so much its unreal #just reading her name in a text makes me start to panix #her presence is ruining my life. its ruining my relationship. its ruining my eating habits. #its ruining my sleep quality. everything is ruined because of the extreme distress she puts me under #something must be wrong with me mother/something must be wrong #i feel terrible #guilt guilt guilt #its easier to fear never seeing her again than it is to fear seeing her #i feel terrified #shes just going to keep me like this forever #its not fair #i just want my lover #i just want to go home #im so tired of this. #someone hold me love me save me please please please #its starting to show on my facw #everyone can tell that im suffering #i cant sleep i cant eat i cant think shes all i know #im afraid im going to lose the good thing that i have #i miss him so much. where is he????? why isnt he on the other end of the phone???? #why is someone else answering my texts???? #aughhhh #i just..... i just i just i just #i just need it to be over #from the couch #Spotify

[kethabali]

hehehehe ever since i decided to drop that stupid class i am fulll of energy i'm so glad i remembered i can do this and didn't go through another semester of constantly avoiding burn out rather than thriving and being able to do many things outside of going to class and doing coursework

#i will have enough energy now to cook clean socialize and spend time alone #comfortably #thats the key.. . #its not all crammed together #although i wish i didn't have to work 8 hours alongside school but... #the job is easy and low effort so i'll let it slide #and i also consider that kind of like me time bc i dont have to talk to anyone and can watch things #but yea i think now i should have enough time to have me time at home and outside #i also just have more energy to push myself sometimes bc i know i dont have a million responsibilities to save energy for instead #so i can use energy on fun things!!! thats how life should always be #work is like 30% of ur time and rest is fun time and like daily essentials like cleaning and eating #🧃 #i finished so many things today for school #media shares for 3 weeks and assignment that was overdue and read like 25 pages and did my discussion board mhm #if i didnt drop that class id be exhausted bc even though i finished so much it would only be a dent in what i still have to do #cuz that teacher is wild he assigned 2 papers in march one in april and one in may #nah hell no #and his readings are all scanned and annotated likely by him which makes it so hard to focus for me #esp with scanned things that are not scanned properly #like u can tell someone scanned it i cant read those #maybe its my photography media background #i cant focus #the underlines i just cannot. i cant get past a few words which is why i did none of the readings which is why i didnt do the first paper #i was gonna do it this weekend but i just kept thinking about it and im like wow ireally cannot stand this class it is causing me #so much stress for no good reason bc teacher is shit lecturer classmates dont interact w each other just bleh #and now i get my wednesday back YEEE #only tuesday and thursday i have classes its gonna be so great i'll have so much energy to participate and #PROPERLY be able to read for classes i DO ENJOY #just.. this is gonna be great i think.. also hope dropping it doesn't cost me money but if it does ill pay bc fuck this class #now i dont have to keep waiting for semester to be over bc its not stressful i can live in the moment finally

[quilliums]

U alive?

Eh kinda. I think I've been on tumblr maybe a handful of times in the last two or so months and I'll favorite a few things then leave again. To be real with you? It's all so fucking fake and empty to me anymore.

I very quickly got more done then I can put into words with pretty much everyone I follow and everyone who follows me and all of tumblr.

It's not going to sound good because I'm not going to sugar coat this or walk it back because that'll be useless. Everyone is just going to twist whatever I say at this point so here it is:

It is very telling that when I, a trans man, reblogged posts (and directly asked mutuals) to literally do nothing and not spend money on the new IPs that came out this year that actively use that money to harm trans people I was told to mind my business. That their personal blogs and spending habits have no impact on trans people and that my request to literally do nothing instead of spending money, again to DO NOTHING, to help trans people was unreasonable. But. But that's fine what ever. I'll just mind my business I guess and only reblog helpful stuff, positivity, and fandom. That's cool we'll all stay in our corners and that'll be the end of it. Nah tho. Because when I do nothing, when I don't want my blog, the one the very same people said shouldn't be concerned with suffering, taken over by literal live footage of children dieing and some of the most horrific things some how I'm actively participating in genocide.

When others actually participate in my suffering the request to do nothing is too much and how dare anyone even imply that makes them a participant in trans deaths. When I do nothing, on a god damn tumblr blog let's remember the stakes here and the difference between literally giving money to fund transphobia and me simply not reblogging something, in the face of others suffering I'm automatically an antisemitic hate mongering participant in a genocide.

#to be clear i did the only things i can do irl to help which was to write my rep a hand written letter #i live in Kentucky it's republican hell here so it did nothing #just to be as fucking clear as fucking humanitey possible #heaven forbid i post something about how the transition I've just started is going well too #apparently it's fucking wrong of me to be happy about something I've fought tooth and nail for for 29 fucking years #even just saying this has gotten me all worked up #i genuinely don't want to be here anymore #that's where i am #living a good life the one i deserve and sitting around putting up with anyone telling me otherwise #sick it up #some one some where is always going to be dieing and suffering #that doesn't mean i don't get to be happy #I'm also 1 year out from moving on to my own land and building my house and seeing have Internet there anyways #and if one more person comes for me for that I'll lose it #oh no poor louisville kentucky man spends fine years living in even worse poverty to save pennies on the dollar for five years straight #to get a better life is some how the rich everyone is talking about eating #it's 10k s worth of land I'm not fucking rich #half these tags auto correct fucked up and I'm not retyping them so figure it out on your own

[puzzledemigod]

Oh shit a good marvel movie? That was unexpected, I'm so happy

#saw guarduans of the galaxy 3 #they let themselves be sincere!!!!! it was so good!!! #only watched it because everyone in my life kept telling me I'd like it #guardians of the galaxy #guardians of the galaxy volume 3 #the premise was great and they actually explored it? and everyone's ending was actually satisfying??? #i love how they dealt with gamora i love that peter was projecting so hard on her but she actually did have a family in the end #she had built a life that didn't include him she wasn't just saying these things she didn't need him to save her from herself or whatever #and ehat a sad fucking thing it is for him but he saw that she wasn't his gamora and that he had to let her go #and rocket's story!!!!! i imagined it went like that but it still hit home #drax got kids now 😭 #i'm so happy it's an amazing ending #i love that the final scene with peter is just. boring everyday life. he's eating breakfast and gossiping and it's sunny outside and his #grandpa is reading the newspaper and things are normal and all he has to worry about is a lazy neighbour or whatever #the sounds of the spoon hitting the plate are like music to my ears like!! let him rest! let him be boring and normal and happy!! #it's not like a masterpiece or anything but it seems like it was made sincerely and i respect and thank that so much