#that he retraumatized me

[romeoandromeo]

.

#feeling like my boyfriend doesn't care that much about me and it hurts lol #all i do is work and i hardly spend time with him and then every time i do there's some problem or argument that he always escalates #to the point where he actually hit me when we were on our trip so that's nice and i have a bruise to remind me every day #that he retraumatized me #i work from 7am to 11pm and i get home and i still have to do everything for him #because HIS legs hurt #even though I've been literally crying over how unbearable MY pain is it's like he thinks I'm making it up or some shit #i just feel so invalid. i don't feel cared for #he won't even get off the game when i get home and let me watch an episode of tv with him #it's always... wait for me to finish my game that i just started that's going to take 20+minutes #BUT I NEED TO BE ASLEEP #so fuck me i guess. even though he gets to be at home all day long playing video games and watching TV but i can't have my #i can't have my one fucking episode of family guy before i have to go to sleep and he KNOWS i have sleeping problems #and that if i don't go to sleep right away I'm hardly going to get any sleep and it affects me really badly #I'm so tired and hurt i just want to sob my eyes out #i literally genuinely do everything for him and he literally does not even the bare minimum for me #i just want to feel loved...

[grantwilsonenjoyer]

i just. I Just. am so sad about grant. i am so sad about this little 12 year old kid who was convinced that he became his trauma and could never be anything else. And he never even got a chance to TRY. kms

#dndads #grant wilson #and it is like. Especially devastating bc i think if he WAS given a chance #i think he Would have gotten a lot better #grant is a soft person he just does not let himself be. grant is loving the world just does not let him be #and yet still love persists #ALSO #it especially devastates me that grant thinks all of his emotions r just Gone #and never really being proven otherwise #bc it is so clear to me that at least for A While. grant is still very upset about killing things ! #he might not recognize it as him being upset bc there Is also that relief of feeling something. but #he is essentially just retraumatizing himself #hoping desperately to get his feelings back not realizing it just shoves them further down once the shock wears off #I could write ESSAYS on grant wilson & how he processes his trauma #but alas. this is tumblr i will save the 10 page analysis #can u tell i was always the most annoying motherfucker in english class

[hussyknee]

I love living in this fascist shithole.

#every day i dream of snapping Ranil's weasly neck with my bare hands #remind me why we stopped assassinating politicians #i'm so tired #both muslims and tamils are deeply invested in palestine #one of the few things that's united them since the aragalaya #so obviously it can't stand #that and ranil is trying to bring back the glory days of his uncle when he could slap people in the face with his dick #palestine has been really retraumatizing for tamils because it's horribly similar to what the state did to them #fuck the usa #islamphobia #racism #sri lanka politics #sri lanka protests #pro palestine protest #free palestine #knee of huss

[seance]

a good day to be a stede bonnet stan

#ari.txt #text #our flag means death #literally feeling so vindicated right now #he's simply everything to me #and also insane #yes babe protect your crew get your man win the day be cool and still yourself to the core #be retraumatized in a way that's narratively coherent #bring down your own hubris #this is your man? yeah. look at the screen. that's mine #and I'm gonna stick beside him

[misplacedreporter]

❛  i have to do this.  ❜ @forgivenpunishment

"I know–" She can't go. Meryl can't. Seeing it again–

"Just be careful. It's probably still just as unstable as it was when we left. Don't bring it down on you, okay? Even if he's not there–or if he is–just be careful." Once was enough. She can't lose him too. Meryl rubs her eyes, muttering about sand in them.

They both know it's not sand.

"Go. We don't know how long until the damn thing sends us somewhere else again."

#˟god of death with a gaze of woe; spoke to me and he told me so: have mercy and save my soul;; (wolfwood) forgivenpunishment #˟main;; a hell of a team #r || 07 #when u get retraumatized a little bit

[scorchedhearth]

i would love to know your thoughts on jason being suicidal and how he would (sorry i cant remember the right word for it) show/express(?) it.

i think it’s implied in canon, a read between the lines kinda situation that while not explicitly stated is really not a far-fetched thought. it shows in a lot of details, but the big one being the last showdown with bruce and the joker and how jason never even thought about making it out of there alive, either bruce kills the joker -and he knows that won’t happen, he just wants the explicit confirmation- or he blows up the building as a failsafe, meaning that he’s left dead at the end of this ordeal. it’s not so much actively seeking to end his life as much as being convinced there’s an expiration date on his life he won’t make past, and that whatever he does it doesn’t matter since he won’t live further than this fixed point in his mind. that comes in part by his death and being brought back, a/dying when that shouldn't have happened in the first place and b/being alive when he should be dead and buried, already messing with his perception of living and what that means to him and the implications of life only to fulfill a goal

that in turns sips into his fixed set of ideas and convictions and informs all of his choices: he doesn’t make plans long terms or past the showdown, he doesn’t seek out personal relationships or build a proper personal life, it’s only about the end goal (aka gotham and bruce) with no thought for himself as an individual (which is a great paradox imo, that everything he does is about himself and avenging his unpunished death but at the same time he entirely forgets himself in the process, both self-centered and void of the self). it’s jason throwing himself head first into perilous situations with a seeming lack of care for his safety, we see that in the lost days where he gets into dangerous situations all the time when he could keep his head down and just train, and in uth where he does risky things over and over that rest on a gamble made on his life or safety, like blowing up buildings while he’s near, fighting a mob boss openly and doing reckless acts that he pulls at the last minute (jumping in the room with onyx being the first thing that comes to mind, he could have found other ways to trick and kill those people that didn’t involve him getting into the thick of it)

i don’t think he explicitly acknowledges or admits this to himself, he thinks that’s just a byproduct of who he is now, what makes him stronger and better than before, not an issue that hinders him or harms him. he doesn’t think ‘yeah i do that because i have no regard if i live or die’ he just does it and ignores any thoughts that might lead to this reflection using the excuse of his greater goals that demands these actions. i think the main way his suicidal tendencies show is through disregard of safety for his person and lack of care for the future beyond clear goals (like taking gotham, going to mess with dick, moving on to controlling crime as a clear solution and an end for all, etc.). jason doesn’t plan for his personal life, he doesn’t connect with other people, and he doesn’t seem to have a real place he considers home, a space for himself to settle in like others in the batfam do (to keep it to gotham/characters in his circle). he doesn’t have friends and he cut all ties with the family on purpose, it’s a clear act of severing any ties he has with a normal, adjusted life to focus as his role as red hood that in turn fuels his already harmful behavior further. so when i write jason that’s what i try to keep in mind, lack of personal life/safety and planning beyond his imposed goals as well as repressing these feelings or thoughts, willingly blinding himself to keep up the behavior on purpose.

#i think jason is not stupid. If he wanted to he could see the patterns and do something about it. its just that he refuses to. #like he keeps retraumatizing himself with his death over and over he uses that harm to fuel himself #he keeps feeding into his suicidal thoughts and behaviors because he thinks that makes him stronger and better for his job as rh #asks #suicide tw #suicide talk tw #i have no idea how to tag this let me know if i need to add something else #this is from months ago hope the answer was worth the wait anon! #dc #jason todd

[ghostcrows]

that damn web comic is rattling around in my brain ...

#i just felt smacked in the face with a mirror reality something i could see not only myself but so many other people i know/have known in #with a frighteningly sharp precision #some of the people in whn look IDENTICAL to real life friends or exes or people i knew in high school or coworkers #i sent it to my friend and he said 'i feel like this HAPPENED to someone i know' #i keep thinking about that awful feedback loop of mental illness isolation and social media addiction #but its so much more complicated than 'touch grass' like you could shoot all these peoples phones #and theyd just turn to something equally toxic and retraumatizing and self-flagellating #they already show this because they have ed's and self harm and abuse substances and spend money they dont have #the chronic online-ness is a symptom not the disease #the thing that makes me a little sick is how much i relate to milo refusing to delete his tumblr even after everything #i have had instances in my life where posting on tumblr was actively making my life worse or harder or getting in the way of real shit #and i still use it as a crutch in the worst of times #its just funny cuz its this thing that saves you from riskier vices while still obviously perpetuating those things #because its a place that reflects You so heavily #you reblog sad shit cause youre sad and it makes you sadder #you wanna self harm you see people post their cutting pics now you feel like its not so weird or bad #its making me ask questions like 'am i stunted' 'what does it mean to be stunted' and then of course #when is someone 'acting like a victim' and just A Victim and can you do both and what does that mean #man....

[birdblues]

tw for sexual//assault in the notes

#so ive been dealing with some realizations that my ex has traumatized me sexually and its ruining my sex life with my bf #i spoke about it with my therapist and she says that my ex sexually abused me but i agree and disagree with that #it's complicated because i feel like its more my fault than anything #i just went with what he wanted because i was scared #i felt like i couldnt say no but thats still my fault #and i know i would say otherwise if it was someone else but it's difficult for me to process this #its been eating me up more and more since i've discovered that what i was experiencing during and after sex with my bf was retraumatization #its taken me over a year to figure out what was wrong with me #i feel even worse during sex now to the point that i feel like giving up on it #i want to have sex but i cant even enjoy it anymore so its like whats the point #but you know what ill do it anyways because its like my brain is trained to just do it #i fucking hate this #idk if anyone can relate or understand but its aggravating #how can this be abuse or assault when people have gone through SOOO much worse and traumatic stuff #idkidkidk

[pepprs]

also omg sorry i keep double vent posting not to mention vent posting at all and i really need to not do that bc it’s so late and i still have to clean the whole kitchen by myself (LOL!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖) but i am so backed into a corner by this therapy situation like the way i cannot tell my counselor abt any of the things happening to me in real time AT ALL and i skipped my session this week in part bc he has me doing this erikson stages of psychology thing now and we literally are not gonna talk abt anything else happening until we get thru all the stages and i didn’t do my homework for it BC IM VERY BUSY AND ALSO UNWILLING TO MAKE MYSELF EVEN MORE MISERABLE??? DUH??? so we skipped the session and i feel so scolded and he sent me a voice memo telling me he thought we should skip it like Omg why is this a class and not counseling 😭 but i also was glad to skip it bc otherwise we would’ve talked abt things happening for me rn and i don’t even feel safe doing that w him at all anymore after the session we had at the beginning of this yr and i know it’s bad and i know i need to leave and i don’t know how. omg

#purrs #what i need actually (and he KNOWS THIS bc i wouldn’t have had this fucking homework thst is going to retraumatize me if i do it by myself b #bc i can’t do it in a session where he guides me thru it!!!!) is to have a private soundproof room where i can scream and sob for like 30 mi #minutes without being disturbed… AND/OR stability in the p*rent(al figure) department (🥴🤡🤮🤑🤠🤐🥴💀🥸🙈🤕). and it is the WAY SHAPE AND FORM in whi #which by virtue of the person i am i cannot have either of those things. like omg no wonder why i look like ive been mauled by a bear it’s b #because i have! but on the inside 💖 #delete later #not just parental btw it’s like.. guidance AT ALL including counseling. like omgdjjdbd why can none of the ppl who are in my life to protect #and guide me whether they actually know they are doing that or not able to like. do that CONSISTENTLY through the years. and why am i a #thr smallest speck of dust in the world <- i was going to word that better / funnier / clever im just falling flat on my face and my phone #is dying AJD i have to go fucking clean. stick figure biting stick.jpg

[applecherry108]

I’ve been wounded by a tiktok. Well, I’ve had wound reopened but a tiktok.

Basically, a critique of a family prank video in which a husband pretends he’s destroyed his wife’s possessions, but not really. And the critique boils down to “Your panic and distress should never be the punchline to any joke or prank ever.”

When I was in college, my first year, pokemon soul silver came out. And I loved that game. I spent over 100 hours on it the first month alone and was deeply attached to my team.

I found out the following year, that one guy in the friend group had been planning, colluding with my other friends, to get a reset copy of the game and switch it out with my copy so I’d think all my data had been erased.

The entire friend group knew.

And only a single one of them stopped and said “hey, that’s fucked up actually.”

So this guy didn’t go through with it.

And I found out about his plan, while I was dating him my second year. At the dinner table. With the rest of the friend group. Who admitted that yeah, that almost happened and they were just going to go along with it.

I was fucking shocked and devastated just hearing what almost happened. This was over 10 years ago and I’m still traumatized by the thought of it.

What I hate most though, was that even after hearing this fucked up plan that would’ve fully sent me into a meltdown during finals week, I still kept dating that guy for nearly a year. I still kept all those friends who would’ve betrayed me throughout the rest of college.

And maybe part of me wishes they had gone through with it, just so I could’ve cut all those assholes out of my life way sooner, because that guy was still abusive and cruel. He didn’t change. My friends were still heartless and careless with me, and none of them even attempted to keep in touch after graduation.

My distress is not a fucking punchline, and the fact that every single friend I had in college except one was complicit in making it the punchline, is a scar that I don’t think will ever heal.

#that shithead purposefully upset me repeatedly and it wasn’t even until after I dumped him that his ex clarified #that he gets off to upsetting his girlfriends. like. #had I known I was autistic a decade ago… #I made the mistake of keep giving everyone the benefit of the doubt bc surely no one is that cruel. surely my FRIENDS aren’t that terrible. #but they are. they were. and at 32 my mom still recounts how basically every friend I’ve ever had has treated me terribly despite me bending #over backwards for them. #it’s no wonder I spend so much time online. ever since like 2004 probably. #the only nice people I’ve known have all been online bc shocker! #we’re all queer and neurodivergent and it’s infinitely easier for us to communicate through writing than talking #shithead McFuckFace apparently said a lot of fucked up shit about me before and while we were dating. #that the rest of our friends just. never bothered to tell me about. #anyways. I’ve been angry and overstimulated all day and now I have a horrible headache #love being retraumatized over and over by the same fuc #fucking things. 🙃 definitely makes my current situation so much easier. 🙃🙃 #definitely does not make me wanna yeetus deletus myself from fucking existence. 🙃🙃🙃 #and I just gave my cats their flea meds so I can’t snuggle with them fuckkkkk my emotional support kittens why u gotta have fleassss 😭😭😭 #apple talks #to the tune of spam

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

wiggles at Things What There Are to Reblog When My Brain Allows Me to Route My Mental Energy in That Direction

#whosebaby talks #my brain has been laser focused on Specific Subjects to devote all its computing power to and complete crickets on near everything else #but By God the Time Approaches #in the meantime i've just been a combination of navel-gazing and dissecting Setrákus What the Hell is Wrong With--Oh Oof. Still Though #LL has a lot of issues with derailing and replacing characters' personalities and where they realistically built from #but setrákus is fascinating because he has VERY strong continuity of character right from the start of what we see of his life #the writers did a really REALLY good job of 'he was such a shy quiet boy what happened for him to end up this way' #probably to some degree unintentionally; but it has a massive *amount* of intentionality to it #compared to a lot of others; at least it vibes that way to me #it helps that like clockwork almost every single fucked up thing he does and builds his life around #is a combination of trying to process his issues by retraumatizing himself #and directly replicating what happened or was done to him or what he thought was wrong; while trying to rebel by doing the Exact Opposite #the things he says and does are all *incredibly* revealing once you know the basic patterns to look for #it's refreshing and really fascinating to take apart #anyway yeah my brain has been pretty much entirely fixated on that or philosophy stuff or recovering from back injury stuff lmao #LL tag

[tiredbtw]

WHAT WASTED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

#my ex stays retraumatizing me almost three years after i left him #im sick of forgiveness i hope he never knows peace!!!!

[mochiajclayne]

yes I am telling you with no sufficient context that the uchiha clan got lost in translation

#like sasuke was told by itachi to kill his closest friend to gain mangekyou sharingan #BUT HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT IT WAS THE LOSS OF LOVE THAT WOULD ACTIVATE IT UNTIL TOBIRAMA EXPLAINED IT #sasuke is a character that loves too much and in this essay I will #like seriously being committed on revenge require unwavering feelings and to think orochimaru had to remind sasuke #and itachi had to do genjutsu to retraumatize him because sasuke is already a verified sunshine protector #yes I am using humor to cope with vote1 don't judge me #sasuke loves naruto and that's canon #up to you if it's bro or sus #but seriously it's romantic because calling it platonic can't even give it justice #tobirama is shitty istg

[tovaicas]

speaking of estinien I’m cautiously excited to see what they do with him bc I really wasn’t suuper impressed with how he was handled in HW

#spoilers #major spoilers #I’ve ranted abt this before but HW!Esti//nien is the king of lost potential to me bc he is just so utterly flat as a character in that expa #he reacts to utterly nothing and not even the world shattering revelation that everything he’a fought for and lost and watched ppl die for #is an utter lie perpetuated in perpetuity by the institution he fights for #that has retraumatized him over and over again to forge him into a sharper weapon against the dragons #is a complete and utter lie and in truth what he fights for would let a thousand kids like him burn to death rather than face original sin #doesn’t shake his conviction at all. nor does the revelation that what he’s been trained to kill and had dehumanized are people #with whole lives and aspirations just like him and that he’s murdered not only his own transformed countrymen but also legit dragon childre #in cold blood and that to the dravanians he IS their nid//dhog doesn’t shake him in the least #he legit just goes. so? and moves ten feet to the left to storm the aery with utterly no reaction whatsoever #I get that to an extent That’s The Point; he’s Nid//hogg’s reflection so ofc he’s mostly focused on his own personal war #but it makes him look like an utter monster when his reaction to the revelations are to immediately start killing dragon infants #I like HW!Esti//nien but specifically only the version that exists in the confines of my brain #estinienposting #saint.txt

[acidiccunt]

my ex boyfriend left me w what seems like irreparable trauma and the feeling that i’ll never be able to love anyone else again but i left him w a piss kink and got him to download fortnite for me so who rly wins here :,)))

#mine #l o l what the ever loving fuck did he do to me im serious #n e wayz i think i will be adding some new meds to my rx cocktail soon uwu #hey babe if ur reading this (ur not lmao) i still love u and u can retraumatize me if u want idm #i joked abt my abandonment issues before all this but i was a fool who knew nothing lmao bc this shit *incoherent gagging noises*

[ciderjacks]

I doodled Conan last night bc this dude has been saving my ass during these daily hospital ventures I’ve been on :P

#aj art #Not to say im not grateful for physio #Iyam i mean I’ve literally gotten my ability to walk back #But it had potential to be really stressful and retraumatizing #Instead I watch conan clips on the bus and in tbe waiting room and it’s really chill #Like i look forward to my visits bc of him #Hes out here making what would be an uncomfortable triggering few weeks really fun instead #I might doodle him more tbh #He has really good character design #Bc also tbh I only have time for silly doodles like this rn hahahahahhaaaaa kills myself #So any art from me is gonna be conan and dulcieeddie doodles probably #Maybe redraws of old art