#the ppl I’ve asked have been dad who was verbally abusive

[thursdaynights]

Why is everyone having a cow and a half when I say I’m interested in environmental psychology?

I don’t really have anyone to lean on in helping navigate this and it’s becoming overwhelming but it definitely does not help when before I can finish my sentence to explain what that is, literally e v e r y o n e has jumped down my throat telling me I’m wasting my time thinking it’s either something to do with one on one talk therapy just about nature or just being in nature and thinking about psychology. Fuck !

Okay, yes. There aspects of the field where the focus is to have therapy in nature to connect oneself to their surrounds (google forest bathing), but people are conflating environment with nature. An environment can be anything. Environmental psychologists study the interaction of people within any given space be it work, home, school, prison, theme park, government, and yes, the outside, as well.

The way I see it, this sounds like a great way to meld my circles of experience into this Venn diagram to do X.

It’s the X that I need to figure out.

I can get into conservation and look into how to improve how ppl interact with national parks. I can put my energy into fighting for the Everglades and to help in slowing down its demise by development.

I can turn to corporate and took at employee turnover to try to help that. Likewise, I can look even deeper at workplace policies to ensure those are working system and are helping who they’re supposed to be helping.

I can look at theme parks to figure out how to increase foot traffic and line retention. How do we get the unpopular rides ridden? How do we control a a crowd of ppl and get them to look at what we want them to look at?

I can even wiggle my way into a project manager position with this.

Why is everyone freaking the fuck out right now. This is a good idea. It’s too loud to think

#personal #the ppl I’ve asked have been dad who was verbally abusive #boss tried talking me out of it and started hamming up my current post it Kon #mom is telling me I’m wasting my time #bessfren has been pressing A to skip dialogue for months now so I can’t even go to the usual earth sign in my life for stability #and literally no one has given me the space to explain what I can do with this #anyway #I don’t need their space or their consent #it would nice to have a hype man tho #I’m a little too sad to be my own right now

[troglobite]

really hoping for the day that people can separate “they remind me of [any person who did a bad thing to me, for a long time or just once or a few times]” from “they remind me of that person and therefore they are exactly like that person/as bad as that person”

sometimes i remind myself of my dad. and as much as i freak out about it in therapy, i am not like him. i am not him. 

i’ve had friends say/do things that remind me of things said to me by bullies. that is not what they meant, though. and if it was the content of what they said, then i can have a conversation about that.

seeing a random person you do not know personally and feeling as if they are acting like someone who hurt you does not mean they are like the person who hurt you. it means that you are seeing similarities and, reasonably, being triggered. 

like idk man. can we all be responsible for the emotional reactions we have, learn to process and feel things, and then evaluate whether that has any bearing on reality? 

i’m fucking tired, man. 

like here’s another one.

my former friends would get so tense and upset literally any time that i expressed any kind of anger.

i wasn’t yelling, throwing things, threatening them, insulting them, or anything of the sort.

i was just mad. and expressing it verbally, or talking about the thing that made me mad.

their response was to act as though i was being a violent, abusive, hateful person whose only mode was Violent and Angry. 

why? bc ppl in their lives did shitty things when angry and used anger as an excuse to do shitty things. 

meanwhile, hi, i’m making stupid jokes and verbally processing my emotions and hoping for emotional support from my friends in the form of “wow that fucking sucks! i’d be upset too!”

something i explicitly noted & asked for

but they simply could not move past

“i am reacting to this thing the same way i react to this other thing. the things must be the same, then!”

instead of, y’know, considering maybe it was a fucking trauma response. 

they never told me if it was something i was doing or just the fact that i Experienced Anger around them. if the former, i could’ve worked with them. if the later--well, bro, anger is a normal part of life. sounds like you gotta work through that in therapy. sorry. i’m not going to change who i am and how i feel things just because of that. but now i know i can’t take a huge portion of my emotions or conversations to you (at least not without like, therapy/acknowledgement/awareness/conversation on your end) which is a bummer, since we’re friends. 

anyway i guess that’s my fucking point. 

i have encountered plenty of people who remind me of people who’ve hurt me in my life. even if they behave in similar ways, i save my judgment until after i get to know them personally. are they actually hurting me? are they being cruel to me? are they a judgmental person who holds bigoted beliefs? no? then they’re not the people who hurt me.

even if the answer to the above was “yes”, they are still not the people who hurt me. 

also emphasizing that having an emotional reaction to being triggered by someone’s behavior, mannerisms, or appearance--yeah man! it happens! trauma sucks! that’s totally normal and fine!

making it that person’s problem is not fine. 

you cannot put something on someone when they had nothing to do with it. and you cannot always evaluate a situation they’re in if you’re still stuck in being triggered.

triggered =/= ~can’t be trusted bc Emotions~

but it means that your sense of logic and evaluation is going to be warped or colored by the mindset you’re in. also speaking from experience here, folks!!! hi, this happens to me, too!!!

i’m not trying to be judgy or mean. this kind of thing just frustrates me beyond belief, bc i’ve had it directed at me--and as someone who has, no less than 100 times in therapy, been like “i don’t wanna be like my dad! i’m so scared i’m like him!!!”, it fucking sucks. to be treated. as though you’re the person who hurt the one you’re talking to, instead of who you are, which is someone else entirely who has done literally nothing to deserve this treatment. 

sometimes it happens in the moment and the processing hasn’t happened yet. life is life, it happens, no sweat. 

doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or anything.

i just wish we had more room for neutrality and nuance and also most importantly self-fucking-reflection

i’m tired. 

i need to stop this i’m staying up late again typing a pointless angry post that no one is going to give a single shit about FUCK. 

[octavianothing-blog]

Can’t wait for Mac Miller’s Spirit to enter the next body of a genius .

I was hit with the deepest depression of my life the day Mac Miller died.

I sunk into a place, covered myself with a blanket then with dirt then a stone to cover the tumb after I hung a do not disturb sign at the door.

It’s not because I was a huge Mac fan, knew every one of his lyrics or even could tell you much about his life.

But Mac Millers time marked significance in my time. His death reminded me of the death of friends and dreams. Conscious friends and lucid dreams.

I started smoking weed in 12 the grade. I had little to nothing and new little to nothing about myself. I was told I was intelligent. I didn’t know how to swim.

I was just a foster kids with no definition of home and no desire to make one or be subdued by the offering of one or family.

I was alone I felt alone. I was ok in that for years.  

So like most teens when you first start smoking in highschool I bought weed from the proclaimed misfits, the kids whos two parents didn’t get them, loved kid cuddi,

smoked weed and who bummed cigarettes off each other .Going in on an 8th together. They took their dirty fingernails to the weed to break it up.

I watched friend’s roll it with his saliva and dark lips.

White and black alike we all gathered around.

They all loved Mac Miller. Wiz khalifa and didn’t give a fuck about the bell schedule.

School and the professors we didn’t give a shit about could wait.

.we stayed in time together. Drum kits and lyrics.

Id usually disappear after someone rolled me one that I bought myself. No I didn’t know how to roll for some time. Plus getting my shit rolled kept me apart of the social. I usually shared it with my girl at the time and was left alone to be alone. She was there .the smoke settling in her hair. That would later die smh.

. Mac was the artist of our time.

He felt what we felt.

Made us feel what he felt probably more than what we felt.

We were lost and he was finding him. He found someone he didn’t enjoy that was obvious. Someone sad, thought-filled and unhopefully dream filled.

He kept making music. Found an outlet in it like most of it.

We would sit on the grass or crouch on elevated cement fixtures around our highschool campus.

Feeling like The hunchback of Notre Dame most likely.

I stopped smoking my last day of college. Vowing to be satisfied with my life. But that’s a whole other conversation.

Over the years I’ve heard Mac Miller songs on my Spotify mix and thought he was sounding more and more like funk and soul. One song even sounded like j Cole’s in my opinion. I remember riding through Oakland saying who does this guy think he is?

What got him into this new sound?

I was now an unpaid music critic. I loved sound and vibes. Obsessed with connection and fucking my life up by the seconds I did nothing with this interest.

Fast forward three years later I move to Long Beach. Not LA.

It was the middle of August and I had just moved into a sweet apartment by the beach near bars and restaurants.

We had wood floors and a cute Ikea carpet. My gf and I, although I referred to her as my partner at that time to feel more adult, had finally created our space.

I wasn’t working but I had some money in the bank from a settlement I fought for all by myself. Autonomy right. Self reliance . Yea . American

Over the years I would take time to sit down and watch NPRs tiny desk series. That August I watched Macs. Seeing him there. His face around his eyes as orange as his hat on his head made me feel something about the way I felt everything. Deeply.

I knew he wasn’t well because I knew I wasn’t well.

I could hear his voice crack on syllables that pricked his heart and mind at the same. He covered his mouth like I had Everytime in life I felt unworthy.

He was melting inside like ice cream on an August day. While he was also the kid watching his ice cream melt.

He was here and there. The observer and participant. The performer and the audience and that duality did him as much harm as it did good.

He was tormented by his ability and inabilities. His insight and his refusal to change what he saw. I checked out his song 2009 a few times after watching that performance and thought he did a good job.

The day was hot and we had decided we would rescue this dog at a shelter over an hr away. This had been our third time going up there and knew for sure we’d bring the dog home that day.

We listened to our Spotify playlists as we drove. The vibe was sunnyish with over cast. I felt it creeping on my neck. Did I really want this dog? Or did she? But why ? We had a perfectly good dog in the back seat. She took the craziest shit on our beach towel and a hoodie we had on the back seat the last trip we made up to the shelter. Why didn’t we turn back then?

I was numb and just doing things that made sense and looked cute in social society.

So why not two dogs. Both the same breed. ? Shrug. I’ll drive.

I’d drive the hr drive there and back Everytime.

This was me.

My overly informative Google phone broke the news. I knew it was coming like the dark that comes every night.

I was gone couldn’t tell you where I went. I lived in that moment for almost 10 months. And I’m just getting out of it and reflecting on it now.  Imagine I wasn’t completely me before . Now I was just a shipwreck far from the shore and anyone that could save me. I didn’t think I needed saving. I would save me . I swayed back and forth between those two action plans for a while. I just came to realized what actually saved me.

I write all this to say,  

Mac Miller was one of a kind,  a guy on the journey with truth to his truth.

He was famously himself. Awkward, nervous, artistic and lost like most of us who loved him are.

One of his most shocking lines for me was in a stupid song called Weekend ft Miguel where he said “ I fell asleep but forgot to die. ” (2:21)

Swimming  was made for us he would leave behind

The young adults he captivated in his career and journey as a musician this lifetime.

What does it mean to swim

Keep trying

Go to it

Surrender to the waves and the tide in your style.

You don’t control the timing

Just how you react

Sometimes some ppl swimming drown

They tried we remember them for it.

Keep swimming.

Bring ur floaties

And most importantly your community/ friends.

I think about how many of us are still swimming everything.

My friend who’s ex fiancee left her and made her move out months after proposing.

My other friend who’s children’s dad emotionally and verbally abused her for 5 yrs.

My love who’s family came to the US to get a better life. Her mom who’s suffered debilitating back and knee pain but still works a cleaning job every day to make a living.  

My dead friend’s brother. (I wish there was a better way to write that sentence) 

We keep swimming. We keep at whatever we feel like we should.  For whatever reason we can muster up for that season.

This year I’ve had some of the most violent tides. I’ve had to ask friends and community to carry me. I realized that I had the tendency to live in moments.

I snapped out of a couple moments I had been living in for years. Like the time I became homeless and snapped, or the time I ruined my relationship with a good friend because I was too immature. 

Im now present wondering how could something last for so long without me realizing it.

I don’t try to play cool anymore.

I was brought to my purpose on the backs of mentors and friends. Waves were getting very rough for me to manage alone. I was reminded of my kindness the soul they saw and experienced when speaking with me, regardless of the shit I saw. I was brought to my heart by Yoga meditation and emptied my mind filled with so much emotional baggage by way of sifting items through my heart.

It’s a great exercise. Please try it.

Anyways on the Anniversary of Malcoms death. Im sitting up writing in a cafe like I’ve never before.

I am considering myself to be an empath. Recognize that I am someone who lives with, in and around depression. I have the tendency for addiction and have a mother who is preoccupied with my sexuality to even see my soul.

I have accepted things, moved on from others (friends, lifestyles, preconceived notions of me, jobs, ( I just put in my two months notice at an investment firm) and hung up the idea of entrepreneurship)

My purpose is to improve the quality of life for as many people possible. With this first published piece I hope to connect with others affected by the death of Mac Miller or anyone they’ve loved, admired and had hope in.

There’s a lot of us out here. Let’s begin to speak on it. Communication, Form Community, Commune. Speak, connect and eat at each others tables.

#mac miller #rip mac miller #community #music #misfits #yoga #communication #lostsouls #socialism #mourn #anxiety #depression #addiction #hope #swim #swimmimg

[findsomeoneelse]

       This might be a very angsty thing to say but I kind of legit hate my dad. He complains all the time that my brother (who i think probably has depression or something rn) and I don’t help him around the house but 1) when we do he’s a huge asshole, literally calls me retarded all the time bc he’ll verbally tell me like 10 things in a row to do and my ADD ass can’t remember it like that and he often  threatens me as well (and there have been incidents with physical violence between him and me). 2) gives us the most useless and asinine tasks i.e. vacuuming a BRICK PATIO or WASHING ROCKS. 3) will ask us when it’s convenient for HIM, my brother and I are 20 and 21 and have either a job or school and for a while I was doing both. 4) he is NEVER satisfied no matter how much we do. 

        And concerning the physical violence shit I have so much pent up feelings about it. As far as I know he’s never come after my brother like that. He may have hit my mom before but I’m not sure. I just know that once they got into a bad argument or something bc he was being really loud bc of a football game and then suddenly my mom was crying (she doesn’t cry a lot) grabbed us kids and went to our grandma’s. He’s also kicked every dog we’ve ever had, literally drop kicked one through a small tree bc it chewed the blinds and then left him outside to run away while he took off to who knows where to sulk. But my point is he has NEVER treated my brother the way he has treated me and it shows. My brother gets away with avoiding so much work and a fuck-ton of lying. My dad almost never invades his space or commandeers his stuff. I’ve almost failed several big school projects in the past bc he’d randomly decide to punish me or that his stupid yard work was more important and that it was my fault for not accounting for his random chores. 

         I literally keep a bug-out bag in my car and a knife by my bed bc of him. I spent my entire junior and senior years of high school with a stomach ache every single day and horrible insomnia from anxiety bc if he wasn’t threatening me with violence he was talking about kicking me out of the house for no real reason. His response to my worsening mental health was to make jokes or just ignore me when I managed to finally muster up the determination to say something. If my mom hadn’t taken action and helped me get help I’d most likely be dead now. I’m still trying to rebuild my self esteem that he destroyed. Then years after I was on medication (that he was opposed to and mocked, my mom was the only one on top of that) and doing better he had the fucking audacity to ask me about how I was doing. Me being like 16 yrs old I lacked the vocab to say that I feel that he forfeited the right to ask me those things so I just shrugged it off.

          He insults and mocks every friend I have in some way shape or form. He also once told me that some older friends I was extremely close to at the time would eventually get tired of hanging out with an annoying little kid so I should get used to them not being around bc they would leave me. I mean he was right about that, and they were pretty toxic for me but that was really fucked up and I’ll never forget it.

          I finally have a good romantic relationship now, with a boy surprisingly, and he’s so sweet to me. Every time he tells me anything remotely kind I almost fucking cry bc I immediately assume he’s lying or somehow delusional. We had our first sort of disagreement, it wasn’t even that big a deal he had just made a few jokes that had upset me, but I was so terrified to bring it up and was so ready for a fight that when he simply apologized for his behavior and promised to correct it I immediately broke down in tears of relief. I’m so terrified for him to meet my dad bc I don’t want him to belittle and invalidate us, or try and take away all our privacy in a weird attempt at policing my sexuality (he has tried something like this in the past with my brother). I’m also so scared my boyfriend will just assume my dad is a normal nice guy and that I’m crazy, bc my dad is good at appearances. We’re well-off but honestly the only reason my brother and I ever see any of that money is bc of our mom, she handles the finances (and p much everything else around here). 

        That’s another thing I hate is that bc I turned out okay everyone assumes he must be a good parent. I had to work so fucking hard to become who I am now DESPITE him NOT because of him. I had to work so hard to become a kinder person, and learn to motivate, comfort, advocate, take care of myself. I’m an intelligent person (at least i’ve been told I am) bc I work to teach myself, both in school and life. I had to learn all my emotional intelligence and social skills myself. I’m working to make my life good and full of the love I never felt from him and to a slightly lesser extent my mom. I’m still working at it. Which is why I’m just as afraid that he’ll be accepting of my relationship and be “proud” or whatever. Thinking he raised a confident and smart daughter. That he has any right to be a voyeur to my happiness or take any credit for it.  

      I work hard so work through so many issues he caused in me on my own. I work so hard to keep myself from sabotaging my current relationship bc I feel unworthy or like it will just vanish. I still can’t fully grasp that this boy could genuinely like me and feel like I’m worthy of his time and effort bc of how stupid and ugly my dad has made me feel my entire life. I have so many things I want to tell my SO but in the moment feel like I physically cannot get the words out for fear of looking stupid when he finally leaves me. I still have so many walls up with him and I really don’t want to but I can’t get them down bc I’m so fucking scared despite all the evidence he’s given me that he cares about me and just wants to know me. It’s honestly incredible how just having someone like him has changed me for the better. He makes me feel smart and capable, like I can have the life I want. He doesn’t see any of the shit my dad seems to see in me and hate. Like fuck the fact that I only seemed to need one stable and loving relationship in my life to succeed really says something I think. 

       I hate feeling like I can’t talk to my own parents, well mostly my mom, but they really make it impossible. My dad bc you never know what will piss him off or if he even gives a shit and my mom bc she will probably tell him whatever you tell her. I have other adults, my aunt (my mom’s older sister) and uncle (tho he’s a newer addition to the family, they married last year.) but I’m so scared to talk to them in case they slip up and let stuff slip to my parents. My aunt also just doesn’t Get a lot of things like mental illness so she can invalidate ppl and be mean. She does encourage me a lot tho, more than my parents EVER have. 

      My SO doesn’t have much of an idea of my relationship w my family other than it seems strained and we barely talk despite all living together. He sometimes half-jokingly tells me I should spend more time with them or make an effort too, and I don’t tell him that I’m not the one who fucked that up for us. I try not to talk about any of this with him yet, and I honestly don’t know when a good time is or how to go about it. He’s gotten little hints here and there before I change the subject. He has a relatively big family that he regularly spends time with, so I don’t know if he’d understand all this. His dad is a little similar to mine in the sense that he always seems to have weird projects around the house that he drags them into but it doesn’t seem like he’s violent. I honestly don’t know what to say about the physical abuse. I’m so scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll brush it off, I’m scared he’ll get super concerned or angry for me. I just don’t want it to change how he sees me. People seem to get the impression that I’m confident and that I don’t take shit, and it makes me feel so embarrassed that I let myself be pushed around by my dad.

      If anyone actually reads this post and has suggestions for talking to an SO about this stuff (especially in the case of an abuser being good at manipulation/gas lighting) let me know any suggestions you have. I thought by this point in this rant I’d have some sort of clarity but I don’t really. My dad has been slightly better the last year or so, since we moved to a new house that’s bigger and we’re on opposite sides of it. After one of his worst outbursts (at the beginning of my senior year) I gave him a book about male abuse in an attempt at confrontation but I doubt he read it. He’s been better but I can’t let go of all these feelings. Older people tell me that eventually I’ll forgive him and move on but I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want him to just get away with treating us like garbage. Maybe that makes me petty and childish but I am barely 20 so. It be like that. Might make a separate post about my brother might not. I love him but dudes got issues rn.

#personal rant #family drama #don't read if you dont want to #long post

[melblogsgfreethruptsd]

Imploding

Marital woes again. DH ends up slowly building pressure like a powder keg, and then starts the passive aggressiveness. He doesn’t talk to me. He makes comments out loud like “good talk” and other bullshit that doesn’t address me directly. He acts pissy with lil man, even so far as saying “shut up” and swearing occasionally. Zero patience. Drinks more. I always feel like it’s a competition, who’s going to break/ speak first. I hate starting bc I feel it enables this cycle of bullshit. But DH started a new MOS and I WAS genuinely curious how it was going. So now we’re talking again. But that evening, is one of his “this is everything that’s wrong with the relationship” spiels, that carries on over an hour, after 10 PM and I just get overwhelmed, emotional, and tired. This time around had alarm bells going off for me, bc he pretty much said every shitty thing he possibly could, short of saying “shut the fuck up” again, or “bitch” like he has before. He was inebriated, so I took what he was saying with a heavy side eye. He called me “lazy, selfish, uncaring” and the most appalling of all “abusive”… I was proud of myself when he said the first crap, and I replied, “That sounds like an opinion that I don’t agree with.” But when he said *I* was abusive later… Omfg. I didn’t even fight against it bc I didn’t even want to get into that shit storm, but holy fuck, HOW?! ME??? Who do you think you’re talking to?!

What is abuse? It’s whoever has the power. Am I overpowering him emotionally/ verbally? No! In fact I never told him to “shut the fuck up” in my life, but HE has! I only called him asshole once, and that was after the whole STFU. Meanwhile he says things like “stupid/ idiot”, plus that passive aggressive bs. Sometimes it’s like HE’S the woman pulling the whole, “noooo, nothing’s wrooonnngg.” I do not do that. And what would I have if we divorced and he kicked me out? Nothing. No financial control or anything. So where exactly am I just taking advantage of him?

At worse, yes, he feels left out and disregarded bc my physical/ emotional/ PTSD junk has me pretty low functioning and it has been for the last 5 years. I get that. It sucks. But I’m here in therapy admitting I have problems, trying to take care of my autistic son and I still make dinner every night, and try to keep up with dishes/ chores, and if I was really so selfish, I would have got a haircut over a year ago, and be making dinner for just myself, and going out socially without him, BUT I DONT.

And I know it pisses him off that my parents are heads up their asses in this bullshit after no contact and he still has to talk to them. And then I’m on my end, still pissed off that my parents still haven’t stepped up at all, and worse DH told me they’re too afraid to write the letter back, (which I gave permission to do) , lest I “take it wrong”… Kinda too late there, wtf. Afraid? like I was so mean and rude, cussing them out. Afraid, like I made a big deal out of nothing and, oh no, she might say more things we did wrong to us… But that sounds like another excuse to get me to “explain” more. You know, since dad told DH I could call him… So a LETTER might be taken wrong and you’re afraid, but you say I can call you? Like a real time phone convo would be any different outcome? How does that work?! It. Doesn’t. Make. Sense. Maybe they’re “afraid” of leaving a paper trail! And them doing NOTHING is as bad as them swearing up and down they’re just “respecting my no contact wish”, while simultaneously asking if they can write a letter. You can’t have BOTH! I’m sick of mixed messages, and no, I’ve already made the effort and tried to explain! If I make contact without knowing their “questions” I’m just gonna be super pissed and let all the floodgates open! I’m sick of excuses.

… Anyways This is why my parents got cut out. You leave and cleave after marriage. They had their chances, and pissed them away. Clearly my marriage needs the focus and effort. My emotional health needs to get back on track. I’m hoping DH sobered up and thought about what he said more today. But this has been a reoccurring pattern. And now he’s pulled out the word “abuse” and I haven’t even felt comfortable using that word on my parents, even though it’s likely true… How and why that word came into his radar, I don’t know. Me. A quiet, meek, self conscious, low self esteem, emotionally distressed person. I don’t manipulate at all. It tires me to even think ppl plan shit out on purpose. I neglect myself, where is this ulterior motive coming from? I worry that his pattern is escalating. So like all the other times, I just make note of it. Yes, I need to get out of my comfort zone and start making more effort. But I just thought the “in sickness and health” would have meant more loyalty than this hurtful blaming… (bc he also told me "anyone else would have divorced you by now." ...)

#personal #domestic #rant #aftermath #april 2017 #letters

[wydblue-blog]

hi babes, i’ve been gone for a few days and have been drunk every single one of them, god bless st. patty’s day, but there’s a lot of new ppl and i’m an oldie here/admin just finna tryna reach out n plot w everyone, so below is a cheat sheet of all my babies, message me if u wanna plot (still need to get back to some ppl) or like this n i’ll come to u!!!!!!!!

blue silver rockwell (ashton irwin fc); 21, sophomore, vp of kappa alpha lamda, scorpio, film studies major. blue’s parents actually met at nyu, basically had a one night stand, realized they were pregnant and a month later decided to get married; their careless and tbh kinda reckless lifestyle passed down to blue. he’s beyond chill, but has abandonment issues up the ass, esp now that he found out that he had a twin (sage) that he thought was his cousin while growing up (their parents were just too immature and young to take care of two kids tbh), plus at 6 months blue’s grandpa on his mum’s side passed away, they didn’t rly know him but inherited his crazy amount of money and he spent most of his life traveling so until he was finally 19 and demanded to just stay in ny and go to uni he didn’t have stable relationships, so now he thinks everyone is his bestie and is scared of ppl leaving. still, has no mean bone in his body and loves w all his heart, has maybe frowned once in the last 5 years, married to wyn, the actual love of his life, just takes everything in stride and doesn’t worry if he doesn’t have to.

rocky emerson fairchild (richard harmon fc); 20, sophomore, pres of nu sigma phi, leo, human kinetics major. tbh if his family didn’t have the receipts, they’d probably think rocky was the nicest person on the planet. he’s been hurt and rejected by so many ppl that he doesn’t know how to love rly any more unless you’re a fairchild, but even that’s hard. their dad was shit and abusive to them, their mum was too tired to rly try and do something about them, and his older brother (leo) who he legit worshiped ran away, so growing up fcking sucked. but his older sister (luna) and adopted brother (bruno) pretty much saved him, they’re the ppl he loves the most in this world tbh. fiercely loyal to those he’s actually let in and absolutely vile to anyone else it’s a mystery that he hasn’t been sent to jail for being a sociopath ngl, but it’s just a way to protect himself from being hurt again since he’s got a good track record of that.

*greer albany parker (tyler blackburn fc); 23, junior, member of theta beta pi, pisces, bio med major. tbh greer is probs the biggest cry baby and most anxious mess u will ever meet, god bless his soul for making it this far. he has all of maybe 4 friends but that’s all he needs to be happy. grew up in a loving family until his mum passed away, his dad then became an alcoholic and verbal abuse soon turned to physical, the only thing they rly talked about and got along was when greer talked about military school (which he joined just to make his dad happy/follow in his footsteps) but it did nothing but give him anxiety so bad he had to be hospitalized after passing out during a drill. he ran away from cali after saving money to buy a shitty car and maybe $8 in his pocket, the sweetest most hard working boi u will ever meet who doesn’t think he deserves love and has literally ruined relationships bc of it, but if he trusts u it’s genuinely an honour. pls just love him he needs it.

jesse myrtle torrence (sam claflin fc); 23, senior, member of psi delta, gemini, law major. dumb??? actually so dumb but in the best way possible, jesse means well and is a bit of a fuckboy tbh, will hit on u 100%, but he just likes to have fun and will respect u if ur not down. he has a twin (hunter) who is legit his entire world, when his family didn’t accept her when she came out to them and banned her from seeing her gf he refused to let her run away from home on her own and they both just ditched everything, were legit homeless for 2 years and worked their asses off to save up money for community college then worked even harder to get into nyu. he’s so dramatic, literally the most dramatic person you’ll ever meet, he’ll sneeze and think he’s got some sort of tumor i swear. he’s not very good when it comes to trusting others but he’s working on it and literally wants everyone to be his friend so always feel free to slide into his dm’s.

*sherwood lance king (grant gustin fc); 21, sophomore, member of psi delta, capricorn, physics major. if you were to ask sherwood what time it was he’d probs just shrug and say ‘whatever time you want it to be, it’s a social construct’. is a true believer in all things science, loves to do random weird side projects and will probably interview you five times a week bc of them, is constantly busy and constantly trying to come up with new scientific theories and discoveries. doesn’t really get social cues and is sometimes obscenely rude without even noticing/meaning to but he’s actually a sweetheart. he loves his sister (bellamy) and lil brother (isaac) w all his heart but when it comes to his twin (chaol) it’s a little hard, chaol put everything on pause after he came back from the army (which sherwood was extremely upset by since chaol hardly said anything) to take care of their ailing mother and while sherwood wants to reach out to his twin he doesn’t know how. tbh this kinda goes for any sort of social interactions sherwood has tho, he’s painfully oblivious and can be so obnoxious it’s annoying but he’ll make a good friend once u make it clear that ur interested in actually being friends.

*ted ‘teddy’ james morgan (nick robinson fc); 18, freshman, pledge of kappa alpha lamda, aquarius, sociology major. my weird ass lil weed smokin people lovin hippie. laid back, no worries, in love with everyone, dresses and talks like he’s from the 80′s since his fave things to say are ‘wicked’ ‘bitchin’ ‘radical’ and ‘vibes’. not too long ago he was with his older brother (wyn) when they got into a car crash that ended up killing their little brother rex, and he’s still not over it and hasn’t forgiven wyn fully yet since he feels like the role of older brother has been stolen from him, but he super loves his sister (lux), basically worships the ground she walks on (was the same with wyn until this moment). studying humans cause he just wants to make peace and understand everybody, would have 1000 bf’s/gf’s at once and just let everyone love him always if he could, doesn’t really have any sense of direction with life but just knows that when he’s high he can’t be sad, so he hasn’t admitted it to himself but that’s a big reason why he smokes sm. is harmless and will love u.

*are the ppl that i rly need more plots for but ofc i am 1000% down for almost any plots w all my ppl!!!

#nyuooc #nyuplots #abuse tw #drugs tw #alcohol tw #i think that's all of them just in case #pls come love me