#these things are so fucking rare around here
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Can I request fem reader catching bully Ezra fucking another girl?
So i honestly can’t picture Ezra actually cheating, cheating like i can def still see him doing shady quick business deals that involve sex though for sure since he’s a bit of a big cuck himselfXD
!!!MINORS DNI!!!
Status: Dating
CW: F!Reader, reader has a vagina, reader refereed to as she/her, scent kink, cumplay, cream pies, p in v, non con, cucking, bdsm, gag, restricted movement, cutting, blood, blood loss, oral on freader, pet names (slut,good little slut) asphyxiation, hospital setting,
You were hobbling back to your dorm from class, your legs still weak from last night. Now that you bunk with Ezra it’s rare he lets you go unscathed.
He likes seeing his cum dripping down your thighs whenever you leave. Just another mark that you’re his.
“Ahh~! Ezra!!”
“Smell her! Smell her fucking cunt! Shove them in your whore mouth!”
“Yes! Oka—mmf!”
“Taste her!”
*plap Slam! plap*
You hear grunting and muffled moaning gaining volume as you close in on your partially open door.
You see them first through the crack, Ezra shoving her face down into your pillow, his hand lost in her blonde curls.
His fiery eyes shoot up and find yours instantly and he keeps your gaze as he keeps pounding into her.
“Get in here.” He sounds angrier than usual.
You squeak and get in, slamming the door behind you.
There’s a man in Ezra’s bed his hand is on his cock.
“She should already be wet, go all out.”
You squeeze your slippery legs together. “No! Ezra!!”
You’re still calling his name after all this time?
You’re back against the wall, “Can I hurt her?” He asks hungrily, licking the top row of his teeth. His body boxing you in, you see how intensely he’s breathing.
“I said all out.” Ezra shrugs lazily fucking into the broad on your bed now.
“NO!!” Your scream is ear piercing and sharp even to you.
He drags her off of the bed and puts her between his legs on her knees. She seems happy to be thrown around. Ezra watches you intently now, using her throat as his cocksleeve.
“Now this’ll be better.”
“Please! You don’t have to do this! I-I-” You babble on and on until he stops you.
This guy doesn’t look like the type Ezra usually hangs with. He looks like a spoiled rich brat. Nice hair, nice skin and smile, he’s never had to do a day of work.
Your eyes widen, as you’re brought back with the sound of his belt snapping. “Ah!!” You squeal and cover your face, frightened.
He ties the thing around your wrists too tightly, and gets another leather belt from a nearby bag. The second he ties around your head the strap in your mouth and belted behind your head.
He throws you onto the floor, “Thing is, I want to do it,” The guy smiles sinisterly over you.
You cry and scream against the belt in your mouth and try to conceal your face with your bound hands.
He cuts off your clothes with a serrated knife, and then presses it to your thigh, before ripping it through your skin there.
You feel the hot liquid flood down your leg, it almost feels cold running over your skin! “!!!!” you’re screaming so hard against your bite.
“Woah,” he stands back mesmerized by the blood spilling. He excitedly, and nervously rushes to get his cock ready.
“You opened her vein, she’ll bleed out” He says almost bored.
“Exactly…” his pupils threaten to swallow you whole.
You scream so hard your vision is fuzzy and filling with thick black splotches.
He’s gonna let you die!!
“I said be rough. not fucking kill her the second you touch her! This wasn’t part of the deal, fucking psycho freak!”
The girl was torn from Ezra’s lap, and she drops your worn, soaked panties onto the bed, “Did you fuck this up for me?!” She points at the guy. She looks hazey and not all the way there.
You’re going cold so fast and your body shivers uncontrollably, until Ezra picks you up, and gets the bindings off of you and puts his jacket over you.
He throws you more carefully than usual into the back of his beamer, and races for the ER.
When you wake he’s on the chair watching you. He’s got a new bandaid on his cheek.
You don’t know why, but you reach for it and touch him there. As if he deserves any tenderness… But maybe giving him some, will make up for never getting any yourself somehow. Maybe you’ll feel it somehow.
But your hand drops weakly, he catches it and pulls you over to him.
“What are you-!” The machines beep all around you slightly faster for a minute until you’re sat in Ezra’s lap on the seat.
“We’ll break that hospital bed if we fuck in it.”
“Ezra…”
Your wetness seeps into his jeans beneath you.
Maybe it’s the residual dizziness and the drugs in you, but your body responds to him.
He grabs your ass through your scratchy gown and drags you harder over his bulge.
“You can take s’much can’t cha?” He grabs your thigh, almost rupturing the stitches. It doesn’t hurt that bad with the meds in you.
You nod your head. Yes. You take so much all for him. “huh?”
He pulls your face up by your chin to look him in the eyes, “What does my good slut want, hmmm~ How’s bought i treat you.”
You nod tentatively, eyebrows peaking into your forehead.
He grabs your arms gently and you still jump and tremble in his grasp. “Do you want my fingers, cock? mouth?” he asks while searching your fright filled eyes.
He picks you up and sets you back onto the bed, careful of all your cords and tubing.
His face comes to your legs and he spreads them, nuzzling himself between your thighs.
He pulls up your gown and pulls your panties down and off of you.
Before you know it or how to respond or act, he’s digging into you.
“Gods!” You breathe out in a high pitched tone.
“Fuck, slut,” His gruff voice rumbles into you.
His tongue runs wide up your slit before he comes up to suck on and play with your clit. He pulls away with a *pop* before going back at it, you catch a glimpse of his glistening pussy drunk face.
Your shaking hands grip his hair, and your legs tighten around him. His tongue dips into you before he adds a finger, and then another. His mouth swirls around your clit again as his finger curl and caress your spongey walls.
He pulls away again as your pressure slowly builds within. “This isn’t enough for my good little slut, is it?” He asks and you shake your head, no it’s not! “What do you want, my hand around your throat?”
You nod, he’s being so nice~
He can’t want to hurt you that badly, can he?
Oh, but he does.
His smile spreads wildly as he reaches up to your fragile neck, and squeezes. You see spots fast.
Immediately the pressure in your core builds like a fire with gasoline being pours onto it, his fingers curl and he pistons them into you. He brings his lips back to your clit and sucks and nips and tugs. He brings you to the brink of unconsciousness, and then on that ledge is when you topple over and cum all over his fingers, he laps you up and stuffs his coated fingers into his mouth.
#my oc#yandere#oc x reader#oc x you#yandere x reader#yandere x you#my fic#tw yandere#dead dove do not eat#bully oc x you#oc smut#bully oc#bully yandere#yandere bully x reader#yandere bully#bully x victim#oc bully#bully smut#fem reader#f!reader#x reader#x oc#x you
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Toxic Tumblr Communities
Tumblr is a very interesting place. I feel like women have always dominated this website. While it's a great place for women to express themselves, it's obviously created a lot of really toxic communities that in all honestly could probably only be created by women. You know exactly what the fuck I'm talking about. You've got communities that normalize harmful behavior (self-harm, anorexia, drug taking) and communities that normalize harmful relationship dynamics (the teacher crush and true crime communities, the ddlg community, the kink community in general, etc.), all kinds of different shit. I won't deny that these are all really harmful in their own ways. BUT I can't stand the way many people talk about them.
It's not uncommon for people to make YouTube videos talking about these communities, and totally eviscerating the posters without showing a single shred of empathy, despite most of the posters being depressed, isolated, and traumatized teen girls.
When it comes to the communities that revolve around toxic behavior, I kind of hate how the posters are treated as if it is their fault and their fault alone for other people picking up on the behaviors. If someone looks at thinspo or a SH picture and is like "YES I want that!" did the post directly create those feelings? Or maybe JUST MAYBE the person viewing the post was already mentally ill and now they just become encouraged to be a part of a community with people they relate to? Also I kinda hate how people accuse these posters of "romanticizing" the things that they do, I really don't think it's true most of the time. I think what happens is that women are conditioned into always wanting to appear beautiful, and so they want even their pain to be beautiful. Which is why they then write "sadgirl" poetry about cutting or whatever. I also think it's a coping mechanism. If you're going through something difficult, the least you can do is be poetic about it. I also think that a lot of the times it's a cry for help. It's common to make fun of the emo girl who cuts for attention but even if it's for attention she's still hurting herself.
There are also communities that "romanticize" bad relationship dynamics. When it comes to the teacher crush community, I honestly don't think it deserves the hatred it gets. 99% of the posters have no plans to actually get with their teachers. In YouTube videos about this community, they often respond to the rare posts where underage girls gush about how their high school teacher reciprocates their love. The YouTubers blame the girl for posting about the situation and "romanticizing" it, rather than blaming the fucking adult male for taking advantage of a high schooler. It's abhorrent and I can't stand it.
The true crime community is less defensible, but even then, most of the girls do not support violence, it's more so a fantasy of being able to fix a evil man. And I honestly think it's reflective of the way society tells women and girls that they are responsible for men's feelings and actions, even the very worst of them. And pretty much all the posters are either depressed and isolated teen girls or 30-something year old women who have a history of dating violent and abusive men. When people criticize this community, there's something about the way they do it that's almost victim-blamey, idk. I won't act like what they're doing isn't harmful to the victims, but people act as if drawing the Columbine dudes being yaoi boyfriends or whatever is just as bad as the fucking shooting itself.
And the ddlg community on here mainly seems to be fronted by "littles" who roleplay as underage children having sex with their parents. Again, this is a baddd thing to be encouraging, even if it's through role-play. But I HATE how people act like pretending to be the little is the same as pretending to be the adult. All these girls are fantasizing about roleplaying sexual abuse and idk about you but they really do seem like victims to me. This is not a pass for them to promote harmful behavior but again I just hate the double standards. These people are turned on by being victimized and people somehow don't feel any sympathy for them. They act as if it's the EXACT SAME as being turned on by victimizing others.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I HATE how the standards for women are so much higher than they are for men. Women will post about the pain they are causing themselves, and society gets angry with them for daring to be upfront about it and/or trying to make it seem "beautiful". Women will post about how they want to be victimized, and society gets angry at them for promoting toxic relationships, while not offering them a shred of empathy and asking WHY they want that.
Idk I have a lot of thoughts on this. I'm not saying these girls are completely blameless and I really don't want it to be interpreted that way, but it's crazy to me the way people act like they are heinous and evil (and not like, victims of patriarchal conditioning) for romanticizing situations where they would be victimized.
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i have some sort of brain worms. LOOK at how sad and alone this poor little impreza outback is. its like beanie babies, i have to collect them all and lose a ton of money doing it that ill never get back
#hes sooo cute#fun story i nearly scored a green one of these like 2 years ago before i bought my 03 impreza#these things are so fucking rare around here#old cars dont last#this one has a smidge of rust and the paint is shot but thats part of the appeal#like a sad kitten at a shelter missing an eye#if it werent an automatic and if i had 4 grand i would be slightly more tempted#subaru#subaru impreza#subaru impreza outback
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the doctor isnt neurodivergent or autistic or adhd or nonbinary or genderqueer or asexual. what the doctor is, is Not From Here
#which necessarily of course says something abt their (non)whiteness#(i had all these words in quotation marks first so mentally add those to whiteness too)#but we've them be black for all of 1.5 episode now so#lets see how that develops you know#also i dont think i understand the politics of that part well enough to say much abt it#not that i probably understand the politics of these parts better but#im annoyed enough abt this Thing happening these years. in these 20s i guess. the 'representation' thing#to complain abt it anyway#the dsm isnt real and it isnt gonna fuck you buddy#maybe i'll read some books and then one day i'll write an essay driven by spite and pettiness#i wonder if i can make the thesis statement about the tension between their status of main character#in a 60 year running family adventure show vs this therapy thing we're doing now#like. you cant do that. in terms of like. what story is and does. what a character is and does. it strains#in an interesting way. like im not saying they Shouldnt have done it. im just observing. that you cant do that really. i think#or maybe you can! but i'll find that out#i also dont know shit abt narratology or whatever so. need to read books first. sigh#always have to pause my thoughts to read myself in first its so annoying. esp bc i rarely really do#bc then new thoughts new things to do you cant do EVERYTHING. you can do almost nothing. bane of my existence really#but like you might even be able to say smth interesting here about whether you can call them traumatised at all#remember that article i saw around on tumblr a few years ago i think that was abt like. some scholar in the middle east maybe#saying that ptsd is a western thing bc it necessitates a Post#all of this is western. psychiatry is western. its all stories. how you conceptualise trauma is a story#whos Other is story#where youre from is a story what you stand for is a story who you are is a story#ah. checked the article. dr samah jabr. palestinian. i'll start with her book maybe
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So. I'm enjoying The Sign, but I don't know if it's a *nuance in language that doesn't come through subtitles* issue or a storyline flop, but every time Tharn tells Yai specifically that he can't love anyone (because offscreen romance that is only mentioned but not established or shown and only comes up for ze drahma?) I cringe so hard.
We have heard how much Yai loves Sand and seen a little, but 90% of his screen time is showing how much he loves and cares about Tharn. It's gotta hurt SO MUCH to hear his little brother worry over and over again about he can't love people while loudly and proudly loving him every second.
I get the gist of what that part of the narrative is (trying) to do and why he needs to feel that way, but also :| Fuck you Yai and Grandma apparently.
#the sign the series#the sign bl#phayatharn#the sign tharn#i am about to start ep 10#which means i have roughly an hour and half before the relationship Doom#i hate that the ep 11 curse is a thing#there is more interesting things to establish relationships than contrived breakups!#give me established couple with the world crashing around them#maybe that will be the story here but i highly doubt it#but fr fr the least interesting trope in all of literature is the miscommunication trope#because it is so very rarely done well#it should serve the characters not the 11th hour plot angst#fucking haaaaate it#the sign meta
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#hello everyone how are you?#I hope everything is doing alright! from my part I can say life is treating me well lately#and I feel very light and okay#I am here mainly to get things straight#I saw an anon going around some other blogs talking about me#saying I am an hater and I shouldn’t be writing larry fics#I think this is the same anon that I blocked some weeks ago#because they told me I should not use Harry for clout (????)#and I want to say only one thing because I don’t care of defending myself on this website anymore and that is#it’s not clout and it’s not easy#being a (new) writer here is not easy because people don’t care what you do and there is definitely not clout around me#im not using harry to gain anything#if anything I am constantly questioning whether I am somehow good at writing silly stories and putting myself out there for people’s judg#*judgement. and I promise you it’s not always nice#especially when this place doesn’t like people who you don’t always agree with#especially when you are blocked by half of this side of fandom (larries because I had said something in the past that they didn’t like)#louies because im a larrie ergo I hate louis (???) and harries because i dont care about Harry as much as they do#so no I am not ashamed of writing and I am not ashamed of writing giving my characters#(that rarely have anything to do with H/L irl) thei#their names and physical features#and honestly people like you anon should definitely stop to play this stupid game of fandom police#deciding who can read what and who can write what#because this actions only affect new writers in the way that#they will be alienated. they will feel alienated#and this whatever this fandom is shouldn’t be about that#ever. you don’t know what people go through every fucking day#you definetely dont know how this sort of silencing mission you have going on#will affect people on the internet and their mental health#stop defending the imaginary people you think H/L are and start treating people in this fandom as actual human beings#and since you probably would like to know this: I am not currently working on any project because i am fucking scared of reaction like this
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i think the problem (?) is that the only kind of (fictional?) love that interests me is the kind of love that changes the world. the kind of love that derails the narrative, the kind of love that changes everything -- not necessarily by how special or unique the love is but by the very mundanity of it. the love that grows, not in spite of the barren lovelessness of Before, but out of it. i think that's why I'm always so invested in ships that are two people diametrically opposed to each other, or enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, or two people on separate sides of the morality issue coin, because i love it when love... not that it changes a person but it allows the person to Become. the space, the grace, to change. to love the monster, to love the unlovable and the intolerable, is to make it something other than a monster, than unlovable, than intolerable. i love it when being loved at your worst, ugliest, most horrible self is what makes you want to be someone worth loving. like is this ANYTHING to anyone or
#sorry im not here but im thinkin abt fic things and im really just! having some Emotions about things#idk? i see a lot of aspects of myself in villains. whoever you consider a villain. and i think there's a tendency in fandom#that I've noticed for like... years. where when these issues are portrayed in Good People it's always framed in an acceptable way#if they're angry it's never in a way that really hurts anyone - or everyone Just Knows they're going through shit#if they're depressed it's always the sad pathetic kind that makes people want to coddle you and not the kind that made me isolate and#unpleasant to be around#the urge/inclination towards violence to people who did wrong to me is a villainous act#trauma only ever affects Villains in a bad way. and their trauma MAKES them Bad and Evil people who should only ever just die to fix all#the damage they did to people. and idk man! don't you think that's kind of fucked up? don't you think that it's so fucked up to see yoursel#and the ugliness of your trauma and how it impacts you only ever represented by villains. and then the solution is ''they should just die''#and in the rare moments those villains DO get redemption arcs or a second chance or whatever there's a large n frankly horrific portion#of fandom going i want this person dead or (other violent gruesome violating thing) because they're awful and horrible and their very#existence is unforgivable. i think they should die#and it's like i get it. i also get tired of having to see this message constantly blasted into my brain 24/7?#''why do you ship x with x--'' god i dont fucking know#maybe i want to believe we can get better. that people can change.#maybe i want to believe there's no end point where i have to weigh up the damage ive done to people vs the benefits ive brought and decide#i should die. maybe i want to believe that people are inherently good and want to do good and have the capacity for good!!#that we can do better if only someone believed we could!!#maybe i want to believe we're all worthy of love. of someone who will believe in us. who sees something good in us even when we're at our#worst & most unlovable. maybe i want to believe we can still BE loved after all that! idk leave me alone!!#tbd#i added the image bc its how im feelin rn
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wish ig wasnt so fucked i do miss posting art on there but itll never be like that again. how zuck managed to make it feel physically bad and gross to use an app is incredible. its like a corpse of the app i used to use. a bad puppet. a shell. parading around, empty and awful. came back wrong. i cant use it the way it is anymore. "reels" and "stories" and the algorithm. im not using those. im not using that. it feels gross. its sliming me. its oozing slime out of my phone. i just wanted to make posts. have all my stupid art in one place and chill with my mutuals. but no. its trying to sell me ads and pretty people. and now i cant view my notifications bc it sold pretty people too hard and broke teenager's brains. itstelling me to watch reels. all the people i follow are posting their posts in their stories that im not watching bc ive refused to evolve the way i use that app past like 2016. why dont ppl just make posts. what the fuck is the point of stories. is that not just snapchat? im not downloading that either
#toy txt post#unreality#? not really but for some of the way some of this is phrased i guess?#i hate instagram now and it makes me so sad#but i miss it. posting art here isnt the same. but its not the same there either#on the rare occasion i do draw smth it doesnt feel worth posting fuckin anywhere#i dont want any tips on how to use it i just want it to not exist anymore tbh. at least people acknowledge that twitter is dead#it feels like everyone just keeps using ig and im just standing here like. its fuckjng dead. its a corpse being paraded around by ads#it died the day they introduced that fucking algo timeline.how are you all still using it. can you not feel the fucking slime?#similar to fb. i just. everytime i open it#every part of me starts screaming. how the fuck are ppl still using it? why am i expected to still use it?#at least that is like. im not expecting my nana to make a tumblr and i dont want her to#anyway. this has been old man yells at cloud#i feel like i have always used ig in a way that was fundamentally different than how other ppl were using it but i used to be able to get#away w it and have no issues but its not possible now#it wont stop reminding me what a horrible thing its become. it wont stop helpfully suggesting ppl it thinks i should follow for one reason#or another god fucking knows why
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Not me suddenly creating an AU in my head about Altan and Lera being broken puppets in a magical shop owned by a wizard named... Sergey, of course. They try to repair each other in secret and find surprising comfort in one another.
#basically a slightly angsty hurt/comfort AU with a happy ending#I could even say that it is more hurt/comfort deep friendship than it is romance#(and I definitely don't have a fic wip in my drafts nooooo how dare you think of that)#I have a lot of ideas about it actually#Altan has a broken eye mechanism and Lera's strings that hold her body together got old and loose so she almost mopes around the shop#Sergey tries to get over his break-up with Oleg by starting an unusual friendship with Igor with whom he plays chess (:D) on weekends#(don't worry Oleg is just on a journey of his own)#Sergey also has a fucked up Pygmalion and Galatea complex with Lera which is... honestly one of the aspects I love writing about?#customers in this AU are also a bliss to encounter#newlywed wizards Balor and Yana definitely go to this shop and Balor definitely has a tense relationship with Sergey#they usually come for some cursed illegal stuff which is fiiiiiine#the Realmwalkers trio also comes in here and usually it's Ksenia (I won't elaborate now but the main thing Sergey sells her is information)#Toma is one of the customers Sergey gets annoyed about but she's actually one of the few people who sees puppets as people#Koroleva scares the shit out of Seryozha which is the reason he sells her everything with a lower price#he's surprisingly polite to Angelina and the Nightingale#(yeah. remember about the Pygmalion and Galatea complex? the answer lies there)#Anton and Rita almost burn the shop to the ground but Sergey befriends them because they're pyromaniacs just like him :D#Yuma is a rare customer but a welcome one. this has things to do with the plot but it's too long to explain.#you should just know that she somehow gets everything for free#so yeah. that's my small au for zlatomaki I guess???#plague doctor
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There was a dragon-fly in our house??? hello girl
#baby girl I rarely ever see your species around here what are you doing IN the house. and more importantly how tf did you get in#took her outside <3 could use the cup I usually use to transport bugs outside#so I had to use a fucking salad bowl. big girl#I mean kinda small for a dragon-fly but still big in comparison to other bugs#but I didn't even have to do the 'slide paper underneath and trap it inside thing' bc she just held onto the side of the paper and wouldn't#let go#so I ditched the bowl and just carried her outside on the paper#goodbye girlie hope you have a wonderful time outside of our house where you belong#doddie redet
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To summarize today's day in university:
- got diagnosed with social phobia by a class mate (bitch?!)
- heard a Very cool lecture/presentation by a guest lecturer
- our lecturer said she kinda liked our idea for our presentation
- had lunch with friends in the uni canteen which was nice but evoked some existential despair
#about that social phobia thing: first she showed me the term on her phone during a seminar (when she couldn't talk loudly)#asking if i had that to which i said no i do not?!#then after class she again said 'i think you have social phobia. because you don't like talking to people or in class' *nodding knowingly*#to which i again said i did Not have it but ok whatever#because hello?! the only person allowed to say i have social anxiety is Me. fuck you?!#like I DO say i have social anxiety because i do i guess. but a) not talking in class is not an indicator for this#b) i Do talk in class lmao. and I've never actually had any problems around her regarding anxiety#like i have no problem talking to classmates or saying something in the classes we have together so Fuck Off?!#(i mean it is a giant problem sometimes in some contexts but STILL. YOU DON'T GET TO 'DIAGNOSE' ME.#i hereby officially undiagnose myself from that thank you very much)#ANYWAY do you know the feeling of meeting someone you really look up to like maybe an author or a musician or whatever in REAL LIFE#AND YOU GET TO TALK TO THEM? that excitement where you're like 'omg i can't believe that's happening i can't believe you're here in a room#with me TALKING TO ME? and I get to hear about something unpublished you're working on rn?? like exclusive insight into current research???#that was me today during that presentation by that guest lecturer! I've read most of her articles and at some point idk i guess you find#researchers in your field whose work you just find Very interesting and then when you get to meet them it feels a little unreal#(not to fangirl over a linguist or anything. i rarely do that (don't speak to me about my favorite lecturer who i also totally don't see as#a huge inspiration or anything))#but yeah also i was so worried about the presentation next week but now our lecturer said she didn't hate the topic I'm more chill about it#AND yeah sorry folks‚ healthcare doesn't exist here :( no i can't help you find a doctor there's no hope just accept it#I LOVE the fact that international students keep bringing up this topic! the sheer despair and Anxiety you get to hear about! fantastic!#like I'm sorry about this obviously but that's just how we live here? What do you MEAN in your country you just can go to a doctor FOR FREE#and they'll help you? what yeah man I'll come to Russia with you! (seriously. this is one of the main things preventing people from staying#here. the absolute Lack of healthcare. people who are like 'yeah i love it here but honestly? I'm too scared something might happen#and then no one will help me.. yep. understandable. i have just accepted that i will die due to this#but if you have the option to go (back) to a country where things are different I'd do that tbh.#(sorry just normal lunch conversation topics we have here#i still feel very nice and fuzzy because i was invited ahahaha (i have a sad life lmao))#shut up amy#university ramblings
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I really really liked Under the Whispering Door by T.J. Klune a lot
i laughed really hard at parts and cried a lot at other parts and altogether really enjoyed the exploration of grief and starting anew and what life means while you still have it and everything the book explored
i just really really loved reading it. i started reading it yesterday afternoon and finished it today, this evening, because i just wanted to read more. i loved all the characters so much. i loved the story. would 100% recommend
#under the whispering door#also#i've always hated the idea of working really hard when you're young so you can benefit when you're older#which probably stems from the fact that i have chronic pain and have had enough scares in my life to KNOW i'm not guaranteed old age#but like. i hate the idea so much cause what if you don't get old age. what if you just spend your whole life (30 years lets say) working#your ass off and then you die. and that's your life.#and T.J. Klune rlly took that idea and was like yup. here's what happens!#and actually what happens is wonderful and made me cry a lot and feel a lot of love#BUT as for the real life not-dead side of things...I'm so right according to this book lmao#it's honestly rare for me to love every single character in a story equally but like#i fucking LOVED mei and nelson they were both so fucking funny and also really lovely characters#and although wallace was totally a dick before i loved watching him change and grow into a good man#and hugo of course. hugo was incredible. the kindest guy around. but not in a fake way i hate. in a i have my problems and moments#but i'm going to be a really incredible person when i can#EVEN THE MINOR CHARACTERS WERE GOOD. i liked cameron (and zach) and lea and nancy and EVEN THE MANAGER#even alan i felt bad for#GOD. it was just such a good book#aND TO THINK I JUST PICKED IT UP BC THE CERULEAN SEA ONE WAS OUT AT THE LIBRARY#I'M SO FUCKING GLAD I DID.
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counselor has called in sick I guess (she's not "in" today) so.... at least I don't have to sit in her chair and lie about how I'm doing to avoid being put in psych ward ? a win and a loss I suppose (also I was absolutely about to forget to bring the distress tolerance booklet she wanted me to bring so fhdjdl perhaps this is a saving grace)
#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#yes I probably should be in inpatient rn but unfortunately the one here actively makes me worse#so..just.... trying to keep myself alive i guess for now dnfjdkl#''juno dont u have DID cant u just switch and let someone else take over'' lemme ask u a question in return:#do u enjoy the thought of giving ur entire life over to someone? like Actually?#i thought i did until i realized thats what was going on. then i realized that's actually terrifying#what if they say smth wrong and i have to be in trouble for it later (not anything mean but just. smth that will trigger more abuse for us)#and also /i/ want to eat my tasty little snacks#the two littles are the ONLY ones I'll save things specifically for dhfjdkl maybe Andrew too bc he's had a rough go of things#we all have but he's... different ig but he aint around rn so its just the littles that I'll set things aside for and not touch#anyways i am rambling. yes i could theoretically let someone take over but it is terrifying and i dont like it#and yes actually they have tried but i am a fucking nuisance when it comes to stopping switches fhfjdl its the only time I'll try to ground#sometimes they get thru anyways dbcjdkl I can't stop them all (its actually rare that I'm able to stop it tbh)#but yeah#im... not doing that rn much to the chagrin of Lake and Kam and probably Nine too if im honest#RIP at them BSHDKSL sorry that im a stubborn ass about this oops
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#rare saying things with words on my blog but#i can feel myself changing ?#it is maybe half because of my friends (who are so so lovely but also fucking insane)#(shout out joe for abandoning the econ pset in favor of my full-scale mental breakdown)#but also. something else is going on up here...#i'm not quite sure what it is yet#idk. 8:30 am exam hell weeks start tomorrow and i just submitted my tax extension on a chromebook from the library#i think about the people i used to be around (wassup emma) and#besides the fact that my current friends barely know anything about my old ones and what kind of people i used to hang out with#i on occassion wonder how much of me is still from them#and what parts of me would be foreign#i talk differently now#i think#and some things are bigger and scarier and i don't always do great with that but i'm also#idk#i'm transferring into film#if you even care
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