#they learn to actually be friends and hang out casually and play dnd in the Wheelers basement bc why not | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

houkagokappa · 4 months

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2023 was a year of slow recovery and new beginnings for me. 2022 ended and 2023 began with me finally, finally, finally, finally, FINALLY finishing my thesis, which allowed me a desperately needed fresh start, I could look ahead for once and not continue dragging the past behind me. I can't express how much of a relief that was, or how proud I am of myself for doing it against all odds. Yet, I don't really talk about it, because of all the shame I feel for taking so long with it.

However, with that chapter of my life finally over, I could focus on other things that I wanted to do academically and professionally. My studies still continue, but now I know how to pace myself, so it's going a lot better (it's actually going great, despite me never learning not to procrastinate or have anxiety over certain things, so now I try to take that into account as well as I can). I'm still thrilled I got that internship at the botanical museum I always dreamed of, and I had a good year working on Åland all summer long. I have some plans on what to do in the future, and although the uncertainty is stressful, I'm glad to have some vague ideas, because it feels like everything will be sorted out eventually.

This year I've also gone out a lot more. I'm active in a local(-ish) kimono group, and I've been making new friends there over a shared interest, so I've been getting new friends AND a place where I can fulfill my kimono hobby, which has been GREAT. I've also been spending time with my colleagues outside of the 2 weeks a year we see each other for the fieldwork we do. We've had casual hangouts, movie nights and of course the dnd one shot, that's been dragged out to a short campaign based on the amount of sessions we've had. Dnd is what kept me going during the pandemic, so it's nice to be back playing again. There's also my uni classmates, oil painting classmates, and old high school classmates, who I've been making a lot of fun plans with this year. Not to mention all my online friends, both old and new :) I'm at a point where it's sometimes difficult to keep up with everyone, and that's comforting in the sense that I now have people to turn to and hang out with when I need it, which hasn't always been the case and is something that's given me much grief in the past.

I'm no longer in therapy, and although I might still benefit from it, it's nice to see and feel how my mental health has improved enough that I no longer feel the absolute need for it. It's cool to see that I can go on without it, I'm doing much better for real. I have all these connections, hobbies, ideas and plans for what I want to do in the (near) future :')

So yeah, it's been a fairly good year.

#my nonsense #my life

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shprka · 2 years

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The true missed opportunity of Stranger Things should have been the older teens all solving the season's mystery together, Scooby Doo style and all the chaos that would cause

First and most obvious you have Nancy and Steve who have history

Steve and Jonathan who had a fight and Nancy basically cheated on Steve with Jonathan

Nancy and Jonathan are the only couple in the group and are disgustingly in love

Then you have Billy who has beef with everyone but he's the most intimating and strong and knows how to fight so they need him (who also inserts himself into the group because he's nosy, hates being left)

Billy is smarter than everyone gives him credit for (not book smarts but street smarts and the most emotionally intelligent out of the group, even though he acts like a dick). He keeps Nancy on her toes and Billy obviously doesn't like how she acts like she's better than him and also because she cheated on Steve

Him and Steve are rivals too but Billy likes Steve the best from the group but doesn't know how to show it

Steve is trying to be civil but is convinced Billy hates him, and is just plain tired of his bullshit. Also Billy beat the shit out of him that one time and they haven't resolved that so there's that

Also Steve is confused because Billy is bullying him but it feels like flirting (it is, in fact, just Billy flirting but in his dumb way)

Billy also has beef with Jonathan because of his involvement in the Steve/Nancy situation but also Billy sees himself in Jonathan, they have a lot in common and Billy hates how meek Jonathan is, even though he was strong enough beat the shit out of Steve

Robin she just eats snacks and is watching all the drama and chaos unfold

Robin is nosy but likes to keep her secrets close, like maybe she had a crush on Nancy at some point, and now she's BFFs with Steve and also knows Billy is super gay for Steve

Maybe Robin and Jonathan were friends when they were in primary school because they were outcasts and relentlessly bullied but stopped talking to each other suddenly and kept pretending like they don't know one another

Also Nancy (for all her book smarts) is bad at feelings so she's convinced that Robin and Steve are secretly dating and that Billy hates and bullies Steve

Their team name is the Scooby Gang

Also because it's fun Billy would be the Fred of the group, Steve is Daphne, Nancy is Velma, Jonathan has major Shaggy vibes and Robin, idk, I don't wanna say Scooby but then I laugh when I imagine her in a scooby fursuit 😆

#st scooby gang #imagine the chaos #they are forced to work together but theyre just bad at teamwork #they find a demogorgon terrorizing the town and its just a guy in a suit #obligatory Meddling Kids!! line at the end #they learn to work together and put their differences aside #they learn to actually be friends and hang out casually and play dnd in the Wheelers basement bc why not #i see it as s2 au so by s3 summmer they grow apart but another mystery pulls them together #billy hargrove #harringrove #stranger things #the kids are also solving the mysteries but theyre the b plot and dont have wacky adventures like that #also with this team i want a breakfast club au #has that been done?? cos thats such a perfect movie for the.#i might write the scooby idea someday and put some breakfast club things in there for fu #fun #omg imagine the scooby gang chasing a guy in a demogorgon suit but the kids are dealing with actual supernatural stuff #hilarious

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essekknits · 5 years

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University FMA AU

Shoutout to @liquidstar , this monstrosity started because of your post about how Furey must have a podcast in any modern AU. I thank you so much.

Hohenheim is a famous chemistry professor who always lectures all around the world, so he’s never around. Trisha is a stay-at-home mum. Winry’s parents joined some program of doctors who fly around the world, to treat people in third world countries.

Trisha dies, as she does, in an outbreak of some sort. Winry’s parents die from some tropical disease around the same time. Since Hohenheim isn’t around and Trisha is dead, Ed and Al are put in a foster home. They get lucky, and their foster parents are a delightfully weird couple, a big, bulky man and a woman who looks so thin and small in comparison but in truth is quite well built. She’s also pretty ill.

Izumi and Sig love them as their own, and treat them well. Sig is gentle and quiet, supporting them silently and mostly showing his love and care with physical gestures, like rubbing their heads or hugging them. Izumi is tougher, sharp witted and tongued, but when they need her, she would always be there for them with a gentle word of advice, or just an understanding hug. She can never have biological children after going through a stillbirth that almost killed her.

Anyway, she homeschools Ed and Al, and because they’re quick learners and she’s a great teacher, they finish all their education very early. Winry is also homeschooled, as the small village they’re from doesn’t have much of a school, and Pinako couldn’t part with the only family she had left. So Winry, also an extremely fast learner, finishes her education at around the same speed, while also learning from her grandma who is a prosthetist, cause she fell in love with the professions she grew up around.

While Ed and Al were with Izumi, Ed got injured in his left leg. It got severely infected, and had to be cut off. While Al appeared to handle the loss of their mother as well as you can expect a child, the time Ed spent hospitalised and practically on the brink of death due to sepsis, on top of the not-so-resolved issues of his mother’s death, was a huge hit on his mental health. He spent long periods of time dissociating, even after Ed got better and wasn’t in danger. He got the therapy he needed, and all the support of his loving families, and is doing much better now. Ed got a prosthetic leg fitted for him by Pinako and Winry.

Ed and Al are still great friends with Winry, even though they don’t meet as much because they live pretty far from each other. They talk a lot on the phone, and also visit each other sometimes.

They take whatever exams they need to take to qualify as “I finished my high school education”, and apply to the same university. Ed and Al are going to study chamistry cause fuck their old man but they’re good at it, and Izumi taught them a bunch cause she studied it herself and loves the subject. Winry is studying to become a prosthetist, so she has a long way to go (she needs a master’s degree to actually practice).

Enter Roy. Roy is an assistant professor to professor Hawkeye. The professor is sick and old and looks kinda dead inside. Riza, his daughter, is definitely NOT studying chemistry, and seems to be fairly cold toward her father, but she hangs around the back of the class when she’s not busy. She’s a martial arts teacher, and also a competitive archer in her free time. And if you think the assistant professor doesn’t steal glances at her biceps when she’s wearing a tank top, you are sorely mistaken. They’ve been going circles around each other for years now, and everyone who knows them is just waiting for them to KISS ALREADY GOD DAMMIT STOP LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT OVER THE CLASS IT MAKES EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE.

Roy’s best friend Maes is doing his post doctorate in law. He married one of his old classmates, who is now a lawyer. He’s notorious for gushing over his family with anyone who would listen to him. Alex Louis Armstrong is an art student, and his older sister Olivier constantly calls him a wuss and a disgrace to the family because he’s been studying for years and not taking enough courses for her taste every year (she herself studies at a breakneck speed, and is one of the youngest professors in her chosen field, which I don’t know yet). Falman is a history student. Havoc is still “figuring himself out” and taking a bunch of seemingly disconnected courses. Breda is studying culinary. Furey studies communication, and as a hobby he has a podcast.

Now, he didn’t exactly know what he wants to do with his podcast, so he asked a Breda and Falman, who he knew before, to help him get interesting people for his podcast and they’ll see what they can do. So Farman talks to Havoc, who’s you’re “guy who knows a guy” type of person, so he talks to Riza about it, and she decides to bring Roy and Maes in on it. Maes decides that the two literal kids Roy’s been telling him about need to get a life outside of studying, so he invites them too. Ed doesn’t want to, but Winry forces him to, and comes with. Meanwhile, Breda asked Alex Armstrong, and he dragged two younger students, Dan and Maria, who are just really intimidated by how intense he is.

So Furey is going to the place he set to meet with Farman and Breda, thinking they’ll bring like two other people or something, and is met with a member of the faculty, that intimidating lady he saw around sometimes carrying a large bow, a dude with a comically long string of family photos, a giant muscle man with a magnificent moustache, three normal looking people, and three literal teenagers, one of which has a kickass steampunk-looking prosthetic leg. And also his two friends. Difinitely NOT what he expected, but... hey, you know what? He’snot going to complain. He asked for interesting people, and it looked like that’s EXACTLY what he got.

Somewhere along the line Ling (a foreign student studying chemistry just to satisfy his rich father so he’ll get some of the inheritance), along with his girlfriend Lan Fan and his half sister Mei (who actually LIKES chemistry and won’t let her older half brother outshine her) joined (Ling and Lan Fan were tailing Ed cause Ling needs help with the material, and Mei developed a not-so-subtle crush on Al). Olivier Armstrong also participated in one or two episodes, just because Roy dared her, and she actually likes Riza. Her two assistants, a mountain of a man called Buccaneer and an neat-looking man called Miles, shared a few anecdotes too. Scar is a refugee Winry’s parents treated before they died (he did NOT kill them here), and Mei just casually starts talking to that creepy tattooed dude who’s lurking around the place. He turns out to be a pretty okay dude.

Anyway, just... shenanigans ensue. This is a wacky group of young people messing around on a podcast. Sometimes they play a roleplaying game, DnD style, and the campaign is basically the series. The characters who don’t show up as often as the core crew are just people who can’t show up to every recording session because they’re falling behind in their studies. Tucker is based on the creepy biology professor who started interrogating Ed about his prosthetic for way too long and whose daughter just hung around the campus after school and he never payed attention to her (Ed almost beat Furey up after the Nina part of the campaign cause THAT WAS NOT COOL). Maes got his character killed off on purpose pretty early on. He discussed it with Furey up ahead, since he knew he’ll be working his ass off with his research, so he couldn’t really keep coming for recording for too long. Roy, being the drama queen he is, decided to on the spot make it his character’s life mission to discover who murdered his best friend and avenge his death. Scar is an NPC, based on the actual Scar since before they knew him, and the more they got to know him the more his redemption arc continued. (Winry and Mei spearhead that one, because they’re the ones who got to know him the most).

#fma au #university au #fma university au

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arsonforcharlie · 5 years

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Heal?

i would NEVER (this goof is funnier to those of us who have seen me play a paladin)

Heal - How has tabletop gaming helped you or one of your players?

alright, so i can’t speak for my players (although if anyone who’s playing in one of my games wants to chime in with how great i am feel free, i’m always thirsty for those feelings) but tabletop gaming has really helped me, personally, in a pretty big way.

before i started the fuck squad, i was going through some pretty rough personal times. i had moved to a new city, and hadn’t been able to find a job after a year of searching. i didn’t really have any strong connections friend-wise- while i had some people i considered friends, it was still a pretty casual scene, you know? i was in a rough state. i often didn’t get out of bed all day because, like, i didn’t really have a reason. i wasn’t going anywhere, and i wasn’t even really getting regular social interaction except for the beard, which is not healthy. then a friend of mine sent me his copy of some pathfinder books that he wasn’t using any more and i was like “well fuck might as well do something with that” so i hit up a bunch of people at my regular knit night like “hey who wants to watch me try to run a game” and a few accepted.

the first benefit of running the fuck squad was pretty obvious. all of a sudden,i found myself needing to get up, write an adventure, clean the apartment until it looked like people lived there instead of the junk lady, and bake something for my friends every two weeks. just having that sort of casual obligation, plus the increased social activity and actual friendship did so much for my mental state. even now that i’m back in school, it really helps to have that sort of regular connection with other human people outside the context of getting a job done. i’m not gonna roll up like “dnd cured my depression” because that is absolutely not true but i find that regular, structured activity with people who are eager to see where a story i’m helping to create goes is fantastic. that constant positive feedback really helps combat those shitty “you can’t do anything right and nobody likes you” vibes because, like, fuck that, people are writing sexy fanfic about my characters because they love them a lot and they come over every second monday to laugh until i feel bad for my next door neighbours and kick ‘em out, i’m pretty dope. it sounds real dumb, but having the fuck squad gave me something to keep pushing me forwards, you know?

i also learned, like, a decent portion of my organizational skills from running games? like, i get compliments at school about how organized and good at improvising i am, but so much of that is stuff i picked up to run my game better. i’m also, like, a lot more confident now, which has really helped me.

it also really helps that, like, that’s how i met 2 of my partners and a load more of my most important friends, and even when we’re all super busy, game is a way to make sure we all hang out at least for a few hours, but hey, that’s another whole thing. it also ended up helping my relationship with the beard because, like, he wasn’t my only social outlet.

tldr fuck squad (and other games) are DOPE my dudes

#the fuck squad #I LOVE MY FRIENDS #nonny #asks

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heyscience · 6 years

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If I Were Inquisitor - Ask Meme.

@batsintheshadows @tea-me-and-smut @foxywolfmeerkat13 @howling-at-night OMG THIS IS SO FUN YOU GUYS HOLY SHIT!! Thanks so much for writing yours, and I’m so stoked to finally share mine!

If you are reading this and want to give it a shot, please reblog the original post and I’ll send you an ask! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH, I LOVE READING PEOPLE’S ANSWERS. THEY’RE ALL. SO GOOD!!!!

1. Race: I want to be a giant muscley mountain of a Qunari. I wanna be the very best, like no-one ever was, at smashing my enemies’ faces in and giving the best goddamn hugs there is.

2. Class/Specialization: Two-handed Warrior/Champion. I like hitting things, and I love the idea of getting involved in all that pompous Orlesian chevalier bullshit and RUINING IT for ALL OF THEM.

3. Your homeland? It’s gotta be somewhere warm and by the sea (because I love the ocean and also I can’t deal with the cold cos I am WEAK), so I’m thinking Rivain. Ooh! And that would mean I’d have a bunch of sick tattoos and piercings! Rad.

4. Your family? (Ok so I’m basing this loosely off my irl family because they’re my best point of reference I guess????)

So, my family. I love them, but they’re a mess.

My Mum was the ideal Tamassran. A devout adherent to the Qun. She worked as a healer and was very well respected in her field.

That was until she met my Dad, who in short, looked at the Qun and was like ‘fuck this shit I’m out.’

Dad was a soldier and one day he was wounded in battle, ended up in the hospice where Mum worked, wooed her, and they ran away together to Rivain.

They had my brother and I and then realised that they’re actually polar opposites and it’s a wonder they were ever attracted to each other. They split up, re-partnered and had more kids. So I have a pile of siblings that I have varying degrees of blood relation with, but we all consider each other fully part of our extended, convoluted family (for serious - irl I have 9 siblings).

Mum taught me business sense and how to tend to battle wounds, Dad taught me how to fight. I’ve got a lot of family of various races all over Thedas, all related (not necessarily by blood) one way or another. People say lovely things about my Mum, and the craziest things about my Dad - the stories of his exploits are so outrageous it’s difficult to believe any of them are true (like irl my dad was involved in organised crime for a while but quit cos he got bored????).

I love my family but I’m really bad at keeping in contact with them, so I get the occasional letter from Mum being like ‘ARE YOU DEAD?!’

Leliana has taken to sending her reassuring updates preemptively.

5. Who were you before? I imagine I’d be part of something like a dnd adventuring party.

We started out as a ragtag group of misfits, travelling the land in search of gold and glory. It was mostly treasure hunting and mercenary gigs, and some of the work we did on the high seas was um, legal-adjacent (piracy). But occasionally we’d stop to lend a hand to those in need, pass ourselves off as bards to earn extra coin in small-town taverns, and we even involved ourselves in vigilante justice a couple of times.

We grew into our own little family, and eventually we found ourselves wanting to do the type of work that really mattered. That’s why we signed ourselves up to work security at the Conclave, with a plan to move into aiding refugees in Ferelden afterwards. It didn’t. Quite. Work out that way. Unfortunately.

6. Would you be religious? That’s a hard no.

7. Do you have a mabari? YES PUPPY! Who is also a fully fledged member of our adventuring troupe I might add.

8. Your opinion on other races? Elves = rad, dwarves = awesome, humans = eh, dragons?? = HELL YES

9. What would Varric’s nickname for you be? Stubby.

10. What would your tarot card look like? This one is hard! I’m thinking a lot of compass imagery (because the sea and travelling and finding your way etc.)...and I’d have to be facing at an angle that best accentuates my glorious biceps.

11. Where would you hang out in Skyhold? I like to be in the centre of the action, but I’m not sure where that would be?? Probably in the main Skyhold courtyard near the entrance, in amongst the merchants? It’d be a good spot to see the comings and goings, check in with recruits and workers for the Inquisition, and also play with any kids who might be around.

It’s important to make sure the kids of the Inquisition are happy and healthy and, um, ok Josie I’ll admit it, they’re also way more fun to hang out with than that stuffy noble whoeverthefuck you just brought in from Orlais.

12. What would you do for fun? Knock back beers in the Herald’s Rest with my companions, come up with dirty drinking songs with Sera, get blackout drunk with Dorian (although I’ll eventually realise it’s a very unhealthy coping mechanism and encourage Dorian to join me in cutting down the booze), swap stories and quality bants with Varric, beg Vivienne for fashion advice, gush over romance novels with Cass, have tea and gossip sessions with Josie, poke fun at Cullen, spar with the Inquisition recruits (and scare the shit out of them), and, just anything to distract from the looming horror that is Corypheus.

13. What armour would you wear? Heavy, shiny, and bloodstone red.

14. What would your room look like? Organised chaos. I love playing host so my room would look mostly neat, but the writing desk would be an absolute mess. It would probably make poor Josie hyperventilate (which is why I’d always suggest we discuss things in her office, or at least give me plenty of notice before swinging by my chambers so I can tidy up).

15. Who would be your friends at Skyhold? I’d wanna be friends with pretty much everyone, but I think I’d be closest with Dorian (BUT of course only after giving him a solid scolding for his views on slavery, and I’d only continue talking to him if he came to his senses).

We have a very similar sense of humour, and. Oh man. I have way more feelings about this than I thought I would. In short - I can imagine both laughing with him and collapsing on the floor together with a bottle of wine (each) and many tears.

16. Would you have any friends outside of the Inquisition? This makes me sad because my closest friends outside the Inquisition would be my adventuring party and they..would’ve...the Conclave...EVEN MY MABARI. MY POOR PUPPY. OH GOD WHY. TOO MANY FEELINGS.

17. Who wouldn’t you get along with? Cole. It’s not that I don’t like him, I’d just be super awkward around him, like ‘HELLO SPIRIT CHILD HOW ARE YOU TODAY. OH, IS THAT AN INSECURITY OF MINE YOU JUST POINTED OUT?! WELL COOL, GOOD TALK.’

18. Who would you romance? I know this isn’t possible in Inquisition but I would like to be in a polyamorous relationship with Isabela. SHE IS MY FICTIONAL SOULMATE OK.

(Also I’m more than a little bit in love with Cullen but I hate myself for it so)

19. Would you do pranks with Sera? AbsoLUTELY.

20. Would you sleep with the Iron Bull (casually if not romance)? 100% YES. It’d only be an occasional thing tho, cos while I’m a masochist and I like being tied up I’m not really a sub. I’d mostly go to him for bondage tips and um. Requests for. Demonstrations.

21. Would you keep Cole around? Yes. I’d still be weirded out by him, but I acknowledge that it’s completely not his fault. I’d take his word for it that he just wants to help people and let him have at it with that freaky mind-reading and vanishing shit he does.

22. Can you play the game (politics)? A little bit. I’d have to work the scandal angle. Being a Qunari I could never hope to assimilate into the realms of the nobility, but I could win their favour by being something of a novelty. Much like Casanova in this brilliant adaptation starring David Tennant - watch from 10:42.

You see, you don’t have to be liked by everybody, just the right people, and you can usually get them onside by just being very fucking entertaining.

23. What would be on your tombstone in the fade (What are you afraid of)? Ghosts. I’m not sure how well that translates to a Thedas setting but still, it’s my biggest fear so I’m sticking with it.

24. Who would you recruit to seal the breach? Mages.

25. Opinion on Mages versus Templars? Ok, so I have a proposal for how to fix this bullshit:

1. The Chantry should relinquish any and all control over the affairs of mages. Separation of Church and State, simple as that.

2. The Templar Order should be disbanded, and the practice of indenturing soldiers by saddling them with a lyrium addiction should be banned.

3. All people in Thedas (and I mean ALL) should be taught about magic from a young age, both the gifts and dangers of its use. Everyone should learn about magical safety and how to resist demonic possession.

4. Mage children should attend the same schools as everyone else, but they can hone their skills in their late teens to early adulthood in mage colleges, with free tuition paid by the State (of wherever part of Thedas this is). They can research magic, learn a trade or train in combat, whatever they choose. Mages will be allowed to earn money, marry, have families, and have some actual freaking rights. None of this ‘hunt ‘em down and lock ‘em up’ bullshit.

5. Also the Rite of Tranquility WHAT THE FUCK. I can’t believe it’s a thing people actually agree to do. This rite should be downright fucking outlawed, and severe penalties levelled at the people who attempt it.

26. Who would be put in charge of Orlais and why? Briala. I wouldn’t suggest to Briala that she should get back together with Celene, because honestly their relationship was really fucked up and Celene abused the power imbalance between them. Briala deserves better (like for example me..maybe...but y’know, only if she wants to..)

So I would keep Celene on the throne but hand over all real power to Briala. Celene is a crafty one however, so we’d have to corner her with blackmail and keep a hidden killswitch on hand in case she tries to pull a fast one on us (just like the Voltron kids should be doing with Lotor, which sorry, I know that isn’t related but I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT IT).

27. Would you sacrifice the Chargers? NEVER.

Seriously Fuck the Qun. The Qun actively promotes eugenics with how they selectively “breed” their people. ALSO the Qunari are gaslighted into believing that they will literally go insane if they don’t follow the Qun?!!!?!?!!??!??! FUCK THAT SHIT.

So yeah, I was never keen on the idea of allying with the Qunari, so when Gatt’s like ‘if you sacrifice the dreadnought there will be no alliance’ I’m like ‘I am ok with this.’ Also, of course, I love the Chargers with all my heart and couldn’t bear to lose them.

28. Would you go after Blackwall? Yeah. He should put all his moral posturing to good fucking use and try being an actual hero. I’d make him join the Wardens, cos it’s effectively a death sentence (or an early grave at least ) and I don’t 100% dislike him, so I know he’d be cool with it because he has a giant fucking hard-on for the Wardens (Jesus fuck).

29. Would you drink from the well? Nnnnnoooooooooo..and it’s because I would fucking die for Morrigan. I wish I could say I have a well considered reason, but I’m just pathetic like that. She could say jump and I’d say ‘I’d rather not, but, counter offer - would you instead like to sit on my face?’

30. Where would you go if the Inquisition was disbanded? Minrathous. It’s warmer there (I love Skyhold but fucking hate the cold), and I would involve myself in the inevitable slave uprising - helping out in whatever way I can. Also I’d just be having a fucking great time terrorising the Magisters, rocking up at the Magisterium like ‘LOOKIT ME I’M A RAGING QUNARI HERE TO INVADE, RARRGHH!! oh hey Dorian, what’s up babe how’ve you been????’

31. How do you react to the egg telling you he is an elven god? The five stages of grief:

Denial - lol no ur not, you’re our painty pyjamas nerd!

Anger - Wait, so it’s YOUR FUCKING FAULT MY FRIENDS AND EVERYONE ELSE DIED AT THE CONCLAVE??!?! I AM GONNA GUT YOU AND STRING YOU UP BY YOUR INTESTINES SO I CAN USE YOUR WEEDY BODY AS A GORE PINATA YOU FUCKING MONSTER

Bargaining - but you’re a god right? Does that mean you can bring them back? Can you undo all this somehow? You gotta have superpowers or some shit right??!?

Depression - After all we’ve been through...you never even saw us as people, did you? Did you ever think of me as a friend? Or anyone else? How could you be ok with murdering your friends? Solas, please, you don’t have to do this. I know that if we work together we can find a better way. You don’t have to destroy the world to save it.

Acceptance - ..................I fUCKING HATE YOU SOLAS.

#ask meme #me as inquisitor #dragon age #dragon age inquisition #qunari inquisitor #Rivain #THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN ARRGHSJFHWI

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luckilyluculent · 6 years

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2, 6, 7, 13, 17, 18; Eleanor: 31, 34, 39, 45; Felix: 26, 35, 40; Belsaadi: 36, 38, 43.

This is long as hell so all the answered questions are under the cut

EVERYBODY(as of 5/22/2018)’SQUESTIONS –

#2 – WHAT OC CHARACTER IS/HAS AMENTOR?

The first OC of mine that likedirectly leaps to mind whenever I see the word “mentor” is probably Henry Blake—he’s.One of the many unlisted and not directly on my blog, but his literalprofession is teaching and you don’t get more mentor-y than that! He’s alsotaken people under his wing before directly. Henry was also straight up made asan homage to my first ever like, thought out character (a warrior cat namedFicklestar lmao) and one of the more important things to the character he wasbased on was his role as mentor to a friend’s character. I wanted to keep thatprevalent in all iterations of this character, Henry is just the most recentreally (though he and Ficklestar aren’t even that similar rofl).

I’d also probably categorize myboy Malik as a mentor as well, seeing as he just sort of. Casually adoptseveryone and everything that he comes across. He would definitely like to thinkthat’s more of him just defecting to be a pack leader, but he spends so muchtime teaching others and trying to help them grow that I can’t help but want tolabel him as that. He’d make a great teacher if he wasn’t so busy trying tokeep all of his adopted children safe smh.

#6 – WHAT OC IS THE MOM FRIEND?

Funnily enough, I think thatlabel would go to my character Cat the most. Mostly because he’s the one thattends to take a position of responsibility and look after everyone. Likeliterally, he basically quietly sits back and watches most of the time. But he’salways there with an open ear or shoulder, and because he’s veryobservant/insightful he tends to notice when things are going wrong or ifsomeone needs help. Cat’s also got like, a super strong mama bear streak withthe people that he cares about and though he’s usually very calm, cool andcollected he gets real mad real fast when someone he loves is in trouble.

#7 – WHAT OC REALLY NEEDS THE MOMFRIEND AROUND?

I wanted to give this to Bels—I reallydid, but like I’ve realized that a huge part of Belsaadi’s character narrativeis that I wanted her to learn how to stand on her own. Not just with people,but sometimes in front of them and without them. So this took a little bit morethinking on my part, and I actually think I’m going to land on my character Eleanorfor that.

Eleanor is just very young andnaive! She was prone to making snap decisions that weren’t so great, andDamakos (who I am dubbing the mom friend of that party, sorry Tess) was oftenwho she looked to for guidance when she thought that she needed some. Eleanorneeded someone in general that filled a role of looking after her, and I’vetried playing her outside of her original party and it has just felt odd andincomplete. Maybe I can try again sometimes, but who knows.

#13 – WHICH OCS COMPLIMENT EACHOTHER THE BEST?

HM this is an interestingthought. I don’t often think of my characters as duos or as hanging out—out ofthe D&D squad I’d probably say that Eleanor and Belsaadi would make areally good compliment to one another. Eleanor has enough gentle warmth toreign in the times that Bels tends to dip toward more bloody and not-so-goodsolutions, she’d be very good for keeping Bels firmly “good” aligned to behonest and would be a good force for her to not only look after (and thusfinally take on some responsibility) but also to keep her mindset towardherself more healthy since Eleanor’s not afraid to call people out and steerthem gently into more positive thinking. Bels would be great for Eleanor inthat Bels would probably encourage her to try to consider people’s intentionsmore. She’d let Eleanor flourish in her positivity but would actually probablybe one of the few characters that would try to curb her naivety, using her ownexperiences to guide and steer her straight. So they’d both sort of guide oneanother, which would be lovely in its own way. Bels would also absolutely callEleanor out often on her choice of men, which is something Eleanor needed tbh.

As for the whole Delry crew(which is where the likes of Cat and Henry and Malik are popping up) I wouldlove, absolutely love to have my Jester and Flavius tear shit up together. Youtake my sassy magic-eating demon-boy and mix him with the swashbuckling rogueand I’m sure they’d have some really fun adventures together. They wouldn’tnecessarily compliment each other emotionally (if anything they’d get into alot of trouble together and Jester would aggravate Flav’s want to keep peopleat a playful arm’s length and Flav would aggravate Jester’s issue of notnecessarily caring about others if he doesn’t know them at all). Still! They’dbe a fun like, fighting team in any case. Their physical and magical abilitieswould compliment in fun ways, and I’d love to write it out sometime.

#17 – WHICH OCs DON’T KNOW EACHOTHER, BUT WOULD HATE ONE ANOTHER IF THEY DID?

…Bels would hate my characterStephanie. Steph was the first dnd character I had and lawful evil, and Belswould have just enough insight on her (Steph, even though she was a bard, hadmost of her stats in intelligence) to pick up on the fact that Steph was mostlytrying to manipulate everyone into liking her. That alone would drive Bels upthe wall, but Stephanie’s need to play dumb so consistently that she keepsinformation that could ultimately help others close to her chest unless itbenefits her would make Bels want to wring her neck. Steph wouldn’t care forBelsaadi because she’d call her out all the time, and that would make heruncomfortable and honestly just. Pissed off most of the time.

#18 – WHICH OCs WOULD MAKE THEWORST COUPLE?

[steeples fingers] I.

Huh.

…

Probably my character Gawain andEleanor. Gawain’s basically a paladin housing like 200 ancient evil spiritsinside of him (like Gawain himself would be fine, but not like… the one withthe fun ghosts in him) to protect his brother. He’d probably try to see how farhe could push Eleanor’s want to “save” him by doing truly awful things—first tostrangers, then to her family and the people around her. Eleanor wouldn’t stickaround for the whole thing, but she’d hold out faith for long enough to gethurt and it would… eugh. It’d be bad. Toxic, abusive. Not a good time.

ELEANOR QUESTIONS

# 31 – DOES OC HAVE SIBLINGS? DOTHEY GET ALONG IF THEY DO? DO THEY WISH THEY HAD SOME IF THEY DON’T?

Oh yeah! Eleanor’s the youngestof several siblings and she gets along really well with all of them. In fact,of all my characters Eleanor has the most healthy like, family relationship Iswear. She was using Sending to contact her parents regularly while adventuringon the road, and even sending letters and gifts to other members of her family.I’m fairly certain she’s on good terms with her extended family too tbh.

#34 – WHAT IS SOMETHING UNUSUALOC HAS BONDED WITH SOMEONE OVER?

Perhaps the oddest—and one of myfavorites—thing Eleanor ever did to bond with someone was to dangle off of Theo’sbicep to see how strong he was. This while wearing her full armor by the way.Also her entire friendship with Athrun in general? The fact that he talked inher head constantly when he was a warlock and she was just like “mmkay!” thewhole time basically? It was pretty wild.

#39 – WHO DOES THE OC CONSIDER TOHAVE LEARNED THEIR MOST IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON FROM?

Pelor—yeah she’s that kind ofcleric haha. Eleanor just wouldn’t be Eleanor without Pelor to guide her, it’ssuch a large part of who she is and what she does and what she views as goodthat I honestly can’t even really play her in a game that doesn’t include himin the pantheon. She’d probably follow that up with saying her father—he taughther that being kind was not always easy, it would often—in fact—be the hardestthing she could do, but to embrace her kindness because it was part of who shewas.

#40 – HOW MUCH DO OC’S FRIENDSKNOW ABOUT THEIR PRIVATE LIFE?

Eleanor is pretty open withpeople that she loves and cares about! She tends to tell those she trusts whenshe has a crush on someone, and has never been the sort that likes to lie. Shedoes, however, often hide when she’s not feeling happy or good about something—it’sher job to be the happy cheerful one after all! She’s their sunshine! Sometimesshe feels like she has to put aside her fears because of that.

FELIX QUESTIONS

#26 – DOES OC HAVE A HARD OR EASYTIME MAKING FRIENDS?

Well, considering that during aone shot Felix very warmly convinced two guards of the place we were sneakinginto that he was a recruit and ended up mopping the floors for a good portion ofthe boss battle—Felix makes friends very easily. Having a high charisma helps,but Felix is just a warm and friendly person in general. He rarely dislikespeople, and when he does he tries to see their point of view before stickingwith it. He’s pretty endearing too, even if he’s a bit of a dope.

#35 – WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANTRELATIONSHIP IN OC’S LIFE?

This is a little hard to say—currentlyI’d probably state his mother, though his friend Cass is edging up there to behonest. He’s always been supported and loved by her, and she did a lot for himwhen he was transitioning in just being a great loving force. She didn’t evenreally blame him for when the house burnt down in the end! He cares very muchabout her and wants her to stay safe, no matter where he is and what he ends updoing.

#40 – WHO MOTIVATES OC?

Is it odd to say himself? Felixisn’t a selfish boy by any means, but he believes in growing and learning andbeing the very best you can be! He doesn’t like to let things get him down forvery long, and is quick to motivate himself and push himself forward when hefeels he might end up in a slump. Though he can be sad or upset like manypeople and faces a lot of situations that make him worry, he wants to besomeone good and help people out!

BELSAADI’S QUESTIONS:

#36 – HOW HAS OC BEEN AFFECTED BYTHEIR FRIENDSHIPS?

Bels has changed so much as a character since she firststarted her journey—genuinely being loved and cared about by other people was ahuge factor in that. Bels actually kind of cares about herself now? Which isutterly wild to me. She cares abouther future, and what she does. She doesn’t want to throw her life away but livefor the people that she loves and cares about—and for herself. Which is huge. Bels started out filled to thebrim with self-loathing, half certain that the reason she was abandoned andtreated how she was was her fault. She’s grown in confidence since then, butalso in the person that she is. She’s not just someone who can turn into a bearnow, she knows her own flaws but she’s aware of her strengths too (and not justthe physical ones).

Also, god can I talk about whatwould have happened if Rowan died? She loved Rowan, Belsaadi adored Rowan. It’sthe strongest example of platonic love I have literally ever written in mywhole life. I love them and their relationship to pieces, and for a long timeif Rowan died Bels would have just. Stopped. I couldn’t imagine her withoutRowan at all.

And then I thought, but Rowanwould not like that.

And then Bels started thinking Rowan would not like that. Bels lost a lot ofpeople on her adventures—first Darth, her sort of adopted brother Meero andeven her very first friend Nilus. Rowan was the last of the main party still left with Bels, and I knew losing herwould break her heart—but it wouldn’t make Bels break herself. Or breakentirely. Or just stop trying. Because Bels lost so much she finally learned what it meant to lose people you loved.

She learned that you need to keepliving and carrying on the pieces of them with you. You try to be cautious likeDarth, but sometimes you’re reckless like Meero, you laugh like Nilus whenthings seem darkest. She learned that you’re all at once the people you loveand your own self, and that she—Belsaadi—deserved to live even if she lost itall. That she could get sad, get angry, but she could never let it poison her. Because ultimately what all thosepeople, the people that loved her, would want is for her to keep livinghappily.

Anyway. So yeah, she changed alot. My Bels, I was proud of her by the time that campaign couldn’t continue,even if we never reached the full end of her story.

#38 – HOW HAS OC BEEN AFFECTED BYTHEIR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP(S) OR LACK THEREOF?

Ah. I talk a lot about howBelsaadi falls in love easily—far easier than any of my other characters. I don’toften consider that trait a flaw, but when you go to the extent that Bels did thenI definitely do. Belsaadi was so, sodesperate for love. Even after she got it she was always clawing for it ineverything she needed—and Bels, she had a lot of love to give, but she was desperate. And that was a character flaw. Bels had a lot ofromantic relationships that were either barely touched or regrets that shenever acted on. It made her very prone to leaping headfirst into it. She lovedthe idea of love.

#43 – HOW DOES OC MEET MOSTPEOPLE?

Lately? In moments where shefeels like her life is on the line unfortunately. Or when someone else’s lifeis on the line. Whether she’s stepping through portals to answer misguidedcalls for help or if she’s trying to keep herself and her friends alive—a lotof her adventure has been GO GO GO. There haven’t been many lasting friendsthat she’s made where she was feeling something below the level of EXTREMESTRESS. Guess that’s what you get for trying to save the world.

#long post #asks #ocs #d&d #dnd #beingatoaster

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crasherfly · 3 years

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Been A While

Oh, hi there, Tumblr. It’s been a while. At least since...

*checks last post*

Oh wow. My birthday. That was...months ago.

Welp. Ha. I guess I’m here now so what the hey.

Hope everyone has been well.

I’m keeping up okay. Still writing, gaming and all that.

Some days are good. Some days are bad. Most days blend together, most weeks feel exactly like the last one.

Honestly, not a lot has changed since I last wrote in December. Physically, I’m dealing with a bit of a low point, but I’m trying to come out of it. Emotionally, I’d say I’m tired but bullish. I can see the season turning, the grass returning and the air warming up and I want to be a part of that.

I’ve had some folks asking what I’ve been up to lately for games and anime. So here’s a quick once-over.

For video games-

-Miraculously obtained both a Series X and a PS5. If Sony’s exclusives, a new UI and a fancy new controller appeal to you- get the PS5. If you’d rather have a mass of games immediately accessible to you, enjoy gamepass, and don’t mind a console that essentially feels like an immediate expansion of the previous (the controller is essentially the same, the UI has zero changes, etc) then go with the Series X. Both will continue to find new reasons to appeal to their base, both are outstanding machines in their own right, but at this point, both also offer a very different opening experience from each other- experiences that are equally valuable and compelling, but different nonetheless. Follow your heart- or just grab the one that you can actually locate.

-On the subject of gaming kits- upgraded to a Samsung Q series UHD tv with HDR and retired my yamaha 5.1 for a Bose 700 series soundbar. Can safely say that the jump to HDR is worth it if you can make it happen, even if the uses for the tech are still limited. Sound receivers are likely not going to catch up for at least another year, so a soundbar might be your best option if you want to do HDR AND have quality sound during the experience.

-I’ve barely touched my Oculus Quest 2. There just isn’t that much to do on it. Sales have allegedly been strong for the plucky new headset, but that hasn’t followed within the VR world itself. The store still feels small and experiences like virtual events are heavily reliant on a strong internet connection to work seamlessly. For example, I attended a basketball game in Venues and gave up after the 1st quarter, the visual fidelity being so shaky that it felt like attending the game without my glasses. Hooking up the system for remote desktop or linkplay (essentially making your Quest into a Rift-equivalent device) makes for an uneven experience at best, with lag and connection issues being a constant concern. Until more people I know pick up the device, or more versatile social apps/immersive games release, the Quest 2 will feel more like a novelty in my gaming collection than a full-fledged device.

-Finished Cyberpunk 2077 on Series X. It was fine. Maybe I’ll write more on it at a later date. My thoughts DURING the playthrough felt more complex than my thoughts after it.

-Finished the main game of Super Mario 3D World on Switch. That game is still absolutely outstanding and a masterpiece.

-Started Dragon Quest XI on Switch. It is refreshingly chill and simple.

-Finished Hitman 2 (PS4) and started Hitman 3 (PS5). It continues to be one of my all-time favorite franchises in gaming.

-Started Demon’s Souls (PS5). It’s hard!

-Dabbled in King of Fighters 2002 Unlimited Match (Switch), No Man’s Sky (Series X), Sims 4 (PC), AC: Valhalla (Series X), Earth Defense Force 5 (PS4), Dead Rising 2: Off the Record (PS4) and touched many, many more games that I’m sure I’m forgetting to list here.

-Played the demo for Project Triangle and immediately put it at the top of my most anticipated games list.

-Completed a new playthrough of Civilization 6. It was satisfying, even if the expansion continues to fall short of adding things like basic AI and Diplomacy upgrades that make other games like Endless Space 2 more rewarding.

-I played Overwatch socially for the first time in months and had a blast. I still can only stomach 6v6 classic, so I’m grateful that my friends were willing to humor me. As Overwatch 2 gets closer maybe I’ll write a longer retrospective on my relationship with Overwatch- from newcomer to heavily invested comp player to distanced/disillusioned outsider to my current resting place as a casual/non-competitive wellwisher. It’s been a weird, at times tumultuous journey. But I continue to be grateful that Overwatch can exist in a way I can enjoy- especially with my friends.

For anime-

-On a weekly basis I still follow Jujutsu Kaisen and Dr. Stone. Both still absolutely rule.

-Dropped off of The Promised Neverland. the story took a turn I just couldn’t follow. I’ll need some time before I go back to it. I’m told it skips an important arc. It shows.

-Finally broke through an incredibly dull arc in Katekyo Hitman Reborn! We’re in the Choice arc now, and it’s back to doing what Reborn does best- exciting shonen battles featuring strange powers and demonstrations of character growth through conflict.

-I’ve finished my first 50 episodes of Dragon Ball (watching it in English). I like it! It’s deeply weird- sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad ways, but mostly it’s just fun.

-Completed a rewatch of Mobile Suit Gundam Wing with my brother (again, in English). This is the third time I’ve rewatched the series. My thoughts haven’t changed much- it gets a bad rap for its occasionally silly dub and deeply serious overtones, but deserves points for approaching the topics of war of violence with a gravity absent in other anime.

-Slowly working through Fist of the North Star, which is ridiculously cool and a ton of fun to watch- even if it is also terrifically dark.

Other hobbies-

-Almost finished with the Barracuda Bay pirate lego set. Only took me like...5 months? Thereabouts? I plan to do the haunted house next, and also want to start incorporating Light My Bricks into the sets to add some life to them.

-Still working out 5 days a week when possible. Going through a rough patch, physically, right now, but I’m trying to power through.

-Therapy was reduced to bi-weekly. I guess that means I’m making progress? It’s been a weird journey, ‘cuz I don’t feel different or transformed or anything like that. If anything, I feel more anxious than before? But I guess the point is that my awareness is supposed to be higher now and my ability to exercise restraint is supposed to be stronger. Here’s hoping!

-Still dialed back on alcohol, caffeine, sodium...you know, all the stuff that makes life worth waking up for. Unfortunately, it’s a bit out of my control. it’s made for a lot of sleep and some moody af days. And also my body compensating by getting really hot for sugar in any form. I drank a coke yesterday for the first time in months. It was wild.

-My screenplay continues to hover at 200 pages. I got things shifted into episodic format. My partner and I continue to work through how the release will look and a lot of retrospect changes have happened to account for the turns the story takes later. Alice and the Pale Horse will release- sooner than later, hopefully- but it’s going to take some more work. However, I am excited to admit out loud that I am basically writing an anime at this point.

-I’m running two DND campaigns- The Ghosts of Saltmarsh and The Lost Shrine of Tamoachan. I’m really diving into it after spending recent months avoiding it. I’m trying to focus on learning stories and working with my party. I think I was approaching burnout the past few months, but as odd as it sounds- taking on a second campaign helped me avert it. It feels less like a monthly event I have to start my engine anew for every time and more like a routine hobby I’m constantly a little immersed in.

- I haven’t done much reading. Since my job put the ax to my reading on the clock it’s been hard to make much progress. I’m hoping that as the weather warms up I can go back to my nightly reads on the stoop. I have Berserk, Sailor Moon in my queue, as well as no shortage of mystery novels to knock out.

-Baseball is coming! I want to be excited. I’m trying to be. I just have so many hobbies and baseball feels like the least urgent. It’s hard when I don’t have much of a social world built around it (or sports in general) beyond my dad and one close friend. I’ll do my best to try and tune in at least once or twice a week to keep current. There’s just so much baseball. It’s hard to get invested without a cost to other hobbies I admittedly enjoy more.

-I still hang on Spriteclub a lot. It’s been seven months now. It feels like I’m starting to become a part of the community. There are people I look forward to talkking to every day and I continue to run custom matches and participate in tournaments. It continues to be one of the most important social outlets of my life during the pandemic.

And that’s pretty much it! Like I tell my parents- if I’m not updating folks on what’s going on in life, it’s cuz nothing is happening. It seems hilarious to say that, because obviously, based on the above report, a lot is happening! I’m up in my hobbies daily and clearly continue to struggle, grow and develop in tangible ways.

I’ll try and be more current here as the seasons turn. I have a draft regarding 2077 in the works, though I struggle with what I have a right to comment on as a consumer (I don’t consider myself much of a critic). And as the anime season wraps up I’ll have some reports to offer on my favorites. I have also had a few requests for comparing the Series X with the PS5, so that might warrant a post too.

In the meantime, keep up with me on Twitter, and as always- tell me about the anime you’re watching, the games you’re playing and the experiences that are speaking to you. I had a friend who messaged me the other day to tell me they gave an anime a shot based on a retrospective I wrote- it was a title they otherwise would not have watched- and they ended up loving it. Those are the kinds of messages that literally make my week.

So if you see something I happened to write about- even if you hate it- let me know! I always enjoy hearing about people’s experiences on a personal level. Stay safe out there everyone. Until next time ~

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becoming-human · 3 years

Text

12/3/2020

diary entry re: friendship. read at your own risk.

i am so tired. all the time.

i stay up until three am every night and wake up at noon. i’ve all but given up on college and i don’t even know why. i don’t have a job. i sit in my pajamas at my desk all day and do nothing. i don’t have the motivation to do anything. it’s exhausting.

i was thinking last night about how easy it is for my friends to just.....spend time with each other? they just think “hey i’m lonely do you want to call and hang out?” and then do it. it’s wild.

i’ve never had good role models for interpersonal relationships. my parents don’t really have friends--certainly not ones they spend time with in person. my dad has some “friends” that he emails back and forth with and my mom has coworkers she is friendly with, but that’s really it. my dad is a depressed introvert that literally lives in the basement and rarely leaves the house (even before covid). my mom is a 0-100 workaholic--she’s either working hard at cleaning or her job or she’s sitting in bed watching documentaries. when my parents went looking for a house to raise my sister and i in they specifically looked for one that was secluded and distanced from other people. i think my mom does look for friends, but it doesn’t sound like she’s ever had more than one or two that’s ever been worth their shit. the concept of genuine friendship seems completely foreign to my dad; he’s always baffled and borderline upset when i am on long calls with my friends or i willingly spend hours with them in person.

point is that i really have no idea what it means to be someone’s “friend” because i was never taught. like most other things, i’ve had to figure it out on my own by finding something that works and sticking to it.

my dad views interpersonal relationships like a point system. if you do something for someone you’ll get points with them, and more points means theyre less likely to hate you or call you lazy or ungrateful. i didn’t realize how much i had internalized this belief until this year, which is sad.

i didn’t realize i had friends until this year.

okay. to explain. i had “friends”: people i cared deeply about, people i enjoyed spending time with, people i loved. but i was always under the belief that they didn’t love me as much as i loved them; in fact, i just accepted as truth that they kept me around conditionally or out of pity. it was such a solid truth to me that it didn’t even bother me. that’s just how it was. i didn’t know any different.

i learned quickly in middle school (after my social disaster trial run that was elementary school) that people liked to be listened to and people liked to be validated. this was the beginning of the “therapist friend” label for me: i became someone to unload your traumas to and tell your darkest secrets to and rant about your newest obsession to. and i would listen to all of it intently and offer advice and engage. a lot of people needed that--who doesn’t need a listening ear?--so i suddenly found myself with “friends”. this was foreign. i had friends in elementary school but most of them (that i remember) made fun of me or used me. this was different--suddenly i was being praised instead of bullied. i had found something that worked, and by god i was going to stick to it to a t.

i also realized early on, from a mix of my “no negative emotions” home life and my dealings with my early middle school friends, that my love and my practices about being a listening ear would not be reciprocated. being a “therapist friend” meant being put together enough for people to feel comfortable talking to you, and that meant not talking about your own problems with them. and, in the early years, i was so repressed that i refused to believe that i even had problems.

as i got into seventh and eighth grade and stuck with some friends that were actually worth it, i hesitantly started to branch out. only with the friends i was really close to (aka friends i spend the most time with and friends that had opened up the most to me). i started bringing up my own troubles with my sexuality and my home life and my depression, to mixed results. some would be supportive and listen as i had done with them; others treated it as a competition and made fun of me for calling them problems at all. most just pretended to listen and then moved on. that was okay--that was expected. my trial run over, i closed off again with all but one of my friends.

(to be clear. middle school was a mess for all of us and i don’t hold anyone but myself accountable for closing off.)

so anyway. high school. oh god. retrospect is a bitch.

i thought i was a good friend in freshman and sophomore year. in reality, i was used over and over again as a punching bag and a scrapegoat. i’m not going to go into it. if you know you know. point is that i never realize just how toxic things had gotten because i still genuinely believed that being a good friend meant taking all of it--the good and the bad. and if i came home and climbed into bed and cried then that meant i was a bad friend--i couldn’t handle them when they were at their worst, i had failed them. so i would go in the next day and be even better, even more submissive. and maybe, sometimes, every couple months there would be a spark of something nice: they would bring me hot chocolate or say “thank you” or give me a hug or laugh at something i said instead of just at me. or maybe they would have a meltdown in the bathroom and text me for help and i would escort them to the school nurse. and that, to naïve me, would make it all worth it, because it proved to me that they did like me and they did want me as a friend. it also reinforced the idea in my brain that every time i came home feeling bad about myself (more often than not) i was betraying them, because look at how they needed me! and i was considering abandoning them? in their obvious time of need? it was this endless cycle of self hatred. toxic and emotionally abusive friendships are very real, and sometimes you don’t realize it’s happening until it’s far too late.

honest to god, i chose online school junior year because the thought of going back to deal with them was just too much. (and for those who don’t know, these are two separate people with two separate friend groups). i did abandon them, sure. from their point of view maybe. but i’m not sure i would’ve survived any longer with them. they had their own shit to figure out and i was not about to subject myself to their constant harassment any longer.

unfortunately, as i started online school, this predicament raised a new and very important question for me: i had done what i was supposed to, but it didn’t work. what do i do now? if my “therapist friend” job had stopped working then who was i? how was i going to be a friend?

i started by rekindling things with my best friend--the only one who had listened in middle school. she was an online student too so we started working on projects together. she reminded me through her love and her actions what true friendship was--and i started to realize just how bad things had gotten in her absence with my other “friends”. my online enrollment gave me an excuse to cut out the toxicity but for a while i was left with very few people. i became very closed off, even to my friends from high school that had actually kind to me. junior year, even with k present, was extremely lonely. i had no idea how to stay in contact with people. they had always been the ones to come to me first when i was the therapist friend; i assumed that if they didn’t come to me then they just didn’t need me, and that was okay. i didn’t reach out because there was nothing to say. it’s stressful for me to maintain a conversation over text. i can’t see people’s faces or hear their intonation and everything is so short and to the point. i am a rambler by nature and i talk a mile a minute, so text/chat is not my medium of choice. and if they text or call just to ~check in~, it always felt (and honestly, still feels, although i’m trying to get over it) like a chore they had to complete to honor their own inner point systems. not their fault--they never said or did anything to make me feel unloved. this was purely my own doing.

senior year things started to look up. i rejoined choir in the public high school so i got to see my friends in person--that’s when i started finding people that treated me well. i started to feel happier about myself and more confident in my abilities as a friend. i still didn’t know exactly how to be a “friend” but i did want to learn. this time i went more for the “playful banter” route with a mix of therapist friend on the side. i think it’s worked out relatively well. i also started playing dnd, and that helped boost my friendships a lot. i still didn’t open up a whole lot but i was starting to feel comfortable and safe and happy with the people i was spending time with.

and then covid happened and everything plummeted again.

like i said, i just have trouble over text. i lost contact almost immediately with pretty much everyone. i could’ve done more, for sure. but i just did know how. i still don’t. once again, i was in the same mentality i was in junior year, except this time it was worse--if they did reach out, i would leave them on delivered because i just didn’t have the energy to respond.

here’s the thing. my friends have all seemed to master the casual aspect of friendship. i had no idea how to. every time i interact with someone it’s a performance and a display--every time it’s a job. every time i prepare myself to listen and to be submissive, even if i don’t need to. it doesn’t matter if i enjoy the people i’m with. this is just how it’s always been--this is always how it’s had to be. or so i thought.

mid-quarantine i had a call that went until three am and, quite honestly, changed my life. k and a and i can call for hours, and just to be clear here, i love calling them. we had been facetiming for so long--it was ridiculous. eventually we got to the point in the night where everything switches from basic conversations about boobs and farts and crushes and books and whatnot to emotional contemplations. i don’t exactly remember how we even got there, and i don’t remember what was said. but i do remember feeling a sudden and deep shift in myself. it was incredible. all three of us talked about our relationships with the others--how our friendships had grown and changed and developed over the years, and how much we meant to each other. and it got to my turn and i made the decision to be vulnerable--probably for the first time since middle school, if not earlier. and they listened, and they encouraged me, and they didn’t make fun of me when i chickened out a few times. they were friends to me.

and i realized, in an incredibly stupid moment, that my friends were right there.

i wish i could say things changed after that and everything was wonderful, but it wasn’t. being vulnerable is still a challenge. i still don’t answer my texts. spending time with people still feels like a performance. but i don’t feel as alone anymore. for the first time i’ve realized that the thing ive been searching for my whole life was right there in front of me this whole time and i was just too dumb to see it.

epic poggers moment.

anyway, all this to say that i feel guilty for not answering my texts ever but i appreciate my friends so fucking much and i love them and would die for them--but, more importantly, i know for sure that they would do the same for me. i have a support system. it rules. i know i can reach out when i need to. and i’m trying to get better at actually doing it.

but i’ll never fucking understand how yall can just get together so casually like HOW do you do it do you not have to prepare yourself its EXHAUSTING lmfao. idk. its probably just a me thing.

#mel rambles #diary entry

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hogwartsuniversity-rpg · 6 years

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Sirius Black | Gryffindor ✗ Major: Literature | FC: Ben Barnes

✗ Traits:

+ Easy going, adventurous, smarter than he lets on

- Cocky, inconsistent, emotionally unavailable

Ø Past:

Sirius Orion Black should have been his parents’ pride and joy. As the eldest son of the eldest son of the eldest son of the Black family, he was expected to be the next great patriarch. The Blacks traced their heritage to a Baronetcy granted after the English Civil War and have an honest-to-goodness framed page from Dungale hanging in the foyer to prove it. However, somewhere along the line one of the ancestors had been a younger son, and when the titled side of the family died out, forgotten drama deprived the surviving branch of inheriting the title. A fact Walburga and Orion Black remain jealous of to this day. Sirius, for his part, couldn't care less about family history, except to laugh at the striking similarity to the Elliots in Persuasion. Lady Susan remains his favorite Austen, but that is mostly because he doesn’t think he makes much of an Anne Elliot. For one thing, he doesn’t see the value in a persuasive temper, though perhaps that’s because he’s spent most of his life fighting against his parents’ expectations. He was meant to be proud and powerful. You can really spit those words out, what with all the P’s, as it didn’t take Sirius long to learn. When he was young he and his parents could play the part well enough; they’d dress him up and he’d smile just right so he might be smirking (like his father did) for all their rich friends, but when they were alone, well… relations between the boy and his parents been frosty for most of Sirius life.

He never liked to talk about it, or think much about it if he could help it, and maybe that’s why he can’t remember when their relationship flew south for the winter and never came back. It could have been when he was five and his parents wouldn’t let his new black friend come over, it could have been when he was eight and first heard them talking about ‘filthy queers,’ or when he was nine, or when he was 6, or, or, or… Or maybe those were only the times' fuel got added to the fire. The truth, he knew deep down, was that in addition to being horrible people, his parents were simply unprepared to be parents. Babies are loud and messy and emotional and everything his parents hated. Sirius later thought of them as more actively abrasive versions of Tom and Daisy Buchanan. They were wealthy and careless and absentee and, well, Fitzgerald never gets into how the daughter grew up in the end.

So, Sirius rebelled. In everything he ever did. He wore his hair long and stayed out too late. He tried to run away three times before he was 15. The third time he got dragged back into the house by his ear he saw Regulus’s face— tired and drawn— and they might be less than a year apart but Sirius never wanted his little brother to look that old again, so he stopped running. Still, he never stopped regarding himself as a soldier in a one-man war and was always searching for the next inch of ground he could gain from his parents. He was determined to love everything they hated. He never regretted fighting them, either. Every cut from a bottle shattering against the wall near his head after Walburga drank too much was a medal of valor. Every bruise Orion left on him (always where clothes would cover it) after Sirius pushed just far enough was proof he was winning. Every screech that pierced his ears was a war cry. Once when Sirius was 13, Regulus asked him if he had any sense of self-preservation whatsoever. “Yes,” Sirius had told his brother, “I’m preserving myself against them. You ought to as well.” Regulus infuriated his brother because he bowed his head and went with all the shit their parents said, but in some ways, Sirius couldn’t help blaming himself. He’d rebelled, he’d separated himself from the Blacks. That had left his parents with only Regulus. They funneled their anger, their hatred, at Sirius, yes, but he knew they pushed their manipulation, their pressure, onto Regulus. As pissed as Regulus made him, he got it. Maybe he didn’t understand it, how he could play their games, but he got it. They were his parents. Hell, Sirius wouldn’t have fought so hard if they weren’t. On some level, Sirius knew he was pushing back because he wanted what every kid wants; for his parents to engage with him, to love him. Regulus sucked up in search of that, Sirius fought back. At least, the war had started that way. By the end, Sirius wanted nothing to do with them, but at its roots, well. Some rich kids smashed expensive cars into trees, he smashed himself into his parents’ ideology. Same basic principle.

As a result, he’d been planning his escape to Uni for practically as long as he could remember. He’d accepted going to Hogwarts as a legacy student, mostly because of the school’s somewhat funky reputation, and actually leaving was one of the most liberating experiences of his life. He’d been to boarding school before, but with overbearing headmasters and Walburga and Orion never more than a short drive away, that hadn’t done much to elevate the stifling nature of his childhood. That said, he’d taken every chance to fuck around in the past and had every intention of continuing the tradition at Uni. He might be able to angst and brood like Mr. fucking Rochester, but he honestly preferred what he would call a certain care-free roughness. Chaotic Good, as he described his sixth form DnD character. Consequently, he’d never been fond of self-reflection, but if he’d bothered, he’d have realized that those first few months with James and Remus and Peter were terrifying. He’d been so angry his whole life, he never really learned how to make friends casually. So, when he met the three of them during Freshers Week and knew in an instant he wanted them to be friends, he threw himself wholly into making it happen. Any scheme James thought up, any late night Remus wanted to stay up talking, any homework Peter wanted to put off to play just one more round of chess, Sirius agreed, no questions asked. He never thought about the possibility of being rejected, only plowed forward with everything he was. In the year that followed at Hogwarts, he did everything in much the same way: full speed ahead, no questions asked.

He didn’t mean to be careless or to run over people's lives with his own, he just couldn’t bring himself to care that he did. Sirius lived for the moments and didn’t see anything wrong with that. He was of the opinion that anyone who had a problem with him, his friends, or their pranks was too sensitive, and they only hated people who deserved it. Grey area was a concept Sirius had a hard time grasping. He and his friends were good, nothing they did could be evil. People like his parents were evil, no one who was associated with them could do anything good. He had no illusions of being perfect, (that, after all, would be boring) but in the end, he was one of the good guys.

As his second year at Hogwarts opens, that certainty is flagging. He’s grown up to realize some of the pranks he’s pulled and the ways he’s acted have been very, very not cool. Other people have told him he needed to lay off before, but he’s always dismissed them as being uptight. He knows he has a… big personality, and that people listened to him, that he could goad people into doing things. So, coming to those realizations, he’s starting to see that he’s been hurting people. And it’s messing with his head. He’s thought back to all those pranks and jokes that had been just so funny only to hear a voice keeps telling him “you are just like your parents.” Whether that particular thought is true or not, he’s trying to change. He’s struggling with what needs to change and the walls of stubbornness he’s built up, but he’s promised himself he’ll at least pay attention. He has no plans to follow the rules to the letter, or anything crazy like that, but he is growing more aware. Of himself, and of the world around him.

→ Connections:

The Marauders (James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew) - Best Friends. Sirius is a proud drama queen, but he’s not being over the top when he says he’d die for any of them.

Regulus & Narcissa Black - Family. Sirius has a difficult relationship with family, to say the least. He cares for Regulus and Narcissa and wishes they’d come to their senses and stop playing their family’s mind games.

Bartemius Crouch Jr. - Hates. Barty’s angsty teenager attitude ticks Sirius off, as does the fact that he thinks he’s so rebellious when he refuses to actually stand up to his dad.

James Potter - Best Friend. Sirius is closer to James than he is to the other Marauders. He loves them all fiercely, but James is a brother to him.

#sirius black #closed #closed gry #closed gry m

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hogwartsuniversity-rpg · 6 years

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Sample Application

Hey all! Here is a sample app written for Sirius Black, who admin Zev will be playing! Hopefully, this helps give an idea of what we are looking for, but it should not be taken as a template!

-Admin Zev

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION;

Name/Alias: Zevia/Zev

Pronouns: She/Her/s

Age: 18

Timezone: PST

Trigger Warnings: Redacted

Activity Level: On the dash probably a 7-9. As your admin, I will always be around!

About You/Previous Experience: I have admin’d one roleplay before and have been roleplaying for five years. I also aid for a help blog from time to time. Also, see the About Us page.

BASICS;

Desired Character: Sirius Black

Gender/Pronouns: He/Him/s

Sexuality: Bisexual, actively not thinking about this as he is working through internalized homophobia from his upbringing.

FC: Ben Barnes, Matthew Daddario, Ezra Miller

Scholarship Status: None, supportive of the expansion.

Major: Literature

Extracurriculars: Begrudgingly in the Slug Club

PAST;

EXTRA;

Headcanons:

My bio may have made Sirius sound more brooding and, well, serious than he is. This boy is a goofball— he is cuddly and (deep down) kind, once you get past the layers of well-meaning snark. His friends mean the world to him and yeah, he loves a good party, but he’d sooner take a quiet night talking with friends somewhere the worries of the world can’t find them.

Sirius makes it a point of pride to know both pop and “high” cultural references. He’s a literature major, and very fond of the classics (the Romans were ridiculous and knew how to party), but ultimately, he’s a nerd, as much as he tried to be cool and a “”bad boy.”” He loves Star Wars with his whole heart. Everyone thinks it’s because of Han Solo. In fact, he thinks of James as much more of a Han. He’s cast Peter as Luke, Remus as Leia, and himself as everyone's favorite walking carpet Chewbacca.

Sirius smokes and he’s trying to quit the habit. It just goes so well with his whole aesthetic but, well, people keep telling him it’s “”killing him”” so. He also drinks, but not enough for it to be a problem. He’s only properly drunk once.

Sirius sometimes thinks he’s more messed up than he has a right to be, and doesn’t like feeling sorry for himself. That said, he’s not that brooding a guy. He’s happy at Hogwarts and it’s not completely wrong to describe him as “carefree.” He loves his friends and he’s a troublemaker. He’s really just a big kid still.

He has two styles of clothes: Cool BadboyTM and 80′s Disaster. He loves ugly sweaters and mortifying the more fashion-minded of his friends.

He wants to be a good brother and truly loves Regulus, but he feels like he’s let their split go on too long to be mended.

Aesthetic and Quotes: https://fallendog-starblack-aesthetic.tumblr.com/

ANY CHANGES?;

Nope!

#Marauders RP #marauders era rp #marauder rp #harry potter rpg #hogwarts rp #Sirius Black #hogwartsuniadmin

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