#this is the void and only one irl follows me on here so i am allowed to rant about my friend's exes on here

[viscountessevie]

The Buccaneers (2023): American Poison

Hello everyone! I polled my blog's mutuals, friends and followers to see if they'd be interested in me doing reviews for this show and here are the results. Hence I'm here doing full episode reviews - feel free to follow along the tags below if you'd like to see my reviews and other posts for the show! [Spoilers are under the cut]

The Buccaneers Tag | Live Blogging Posts | Review Posts

~~~

The Buccaneers (2023) is an adaptation of Edith Wharton's posthumous novel of the same name, with a contemporary touch to it. Full disclaimer: I have not read the novel yet. I do intend to give it a shot after watching the tv series. Even though I am not a fan of unfinished works, it would be interesting to see how the source material was adapted to our day and age.

Since I am completely new to this story, I will be judging it solely on the tv series. I will also be judging it as a historical romance with a side of societal commentary (the latter of which I understand the original book was about). On this note, American Poison is a pretty great first episode. 

It set up our main characters; Nan, Conchita, Mabel, Lizzie and Jinny well while showcasing both America and the London season of the 1870s era. I found it so refreshing that the story started with a wedding instead of ending in one. It really goes to show that sometimes life really begins after the ‘I Do’. Or rather in the case of our girls, the problems begin to arise. 

Speaking of our character set ups, I really enjoyed watching Conchita the most as you can see in my Live Blogging tag. She is just such a dynamic and interesting character who is so full of life and yet goes through such a harrowing arc (from what I am assuming based on the first episode). Her fairytale ending isn't quite a happy ending. This makes for a really compelling conflict within her character and it is a delight to watch! Even moreso a mere five minutes into the first episode, we already have parallels to Meghan Duchess of Sussex and Prince Harry. I instantly knew that it will not bode well for Connie. I will give the showrunners credit where it is due, they drew the comparisons without hitting us over the head with it. As someone who royal watches H&M, I did like how Connie and Dickie's relationship was portrayed in the first half of the episode.

That brings me to the second half, as I said here, Dick definitely lived up to his nickname. It was heartbreaking to watch Connie be completely void of life after leaving America and moving in with her in-laws. Especially in her vulnerable pregnant state. I related a lot to her isolation and melancholy. It is not a fun place to be in. The way she lit up when her friends came to visit her was truly so heartwarming. Her happiness means everything to be and I hope her situation improves over the course of the series.

Moving onto our 'main' protagonist/narrator: Nan St. George. I will say it. She is a really boring main protagonist. I have no idea how she is like in the book but you can write a 'plain Jane' type character who engages your audience and they are allowed compelling arcs too. But no, Nan gets a love triangle. The most tired romantic trope of our type. Shondaland and other similar romance-drama shows have overused them to the point I want to throw the whole narrative device away!!

Speaking of said triangles, the only time I have enjoyed watching Nan on my screen is when she is with Guy Thwaite who is so charming. He is so likeable that I would certainly let him marry me for my money (jokes on him, me irl is broke as hell ahaha).

I know a few of my friends had complains about him using Nan for her money but I AM EATING IT UP! This is such a common romance trope. The fortune hunter targets the heroine and like the dumbass he is, he falls for her. That creates such a delicious point of conflict for both of them. The heroine has a brief moment of heartbreak because of the betrayal, while the hero has to fight between his head/the original scheme and heart. Truly one of my favourite premises in a HR book!

On the other end of the triangle, we have Theo, who is the dullest man I have ever seen on screen. Sorry to Theo fans but that man is so unoriginal and BORING. [Correction to my previous statement; Theo is tied with Obie from the Gossip Girl reboot as the most boring character ever].

I just found it so grating that he was just another Duke who is tired of the London social season and ambitious mamas & debs alike. Like YOU AREN'T special, Theo, there are a million heroes and actual lords back then who were like this. At least give the audience something interesting about you for us to root for. Sure, we can look to his artist side but this is least artsy man I have ever seen. Lord Cassidy from Mr. Malcolm's List and Benedict Bridgerton from Bton have done this before and much better. So Theo really is the definition of the Duke of Go Give Us Nothing to quote @imaginejolls in these tags.

Enough about the boring people; onto the Elmsworth sisters! So other than Alisha Boe and Josh Dylan as Connie & Dickie respectively, I was VERY excited to see Josie Totah as Mabel. Not only because I've watched Josie since her Disney days but also because SHE'S PLAYING A LESBIAN/WLW!! I just need more queer women in HR and this fulfils it!

There, unfortunately, wasn't enough of the Elmsworth sisters in this episode but I did love what I saw of Lizzy and Mabel so far. I adore Lizzy already - she is gorgeous and definitely deserves more attention on the marriage mart. Mabel is so cute and I am excited to see her romance blossom with Honoria!

Then there's Jinny. Where do I begin? I'll be very honest; I mistook her for Honoria in the trailer with Mabel 🤡 and was excited for her. I was like Yay dumb lesbian rep because come on the "I like her arms" comment to the art piece is so queer coded hahah. Then I saw a gifset of the trailer kiss and realised it was Honoria with Mabel. Anyway Jinny really is your cookie cutter deb and I wanted to see how she'd subvert that. And while I understand her frustrations with Nan getting in the way, that was no reason to completely upend her sister's life. I also saw the looks of contempt she gave Lizzy over the course of the episode. Like Virginia you grew up with that girl, could you be a little less competitive??

Overall, the pilot fulfilled its job. It introduced us to the main girls, set up their upcoming arcs all while painting the different cultures of the Americans who worked their way up to their riches vs the British centuries old aristocracy. I loved how it was shot, edited and the soundtrack was incorporated. Sure, at times there is a modern lens to it but I like how well our times and influences come together with Edith's original vision and storyline. I am excited for the rest of the series! Happy watching everyone and I will see you in my next review :D

#The Buccaneers #The Buccaneers Review #the buccaneers spoilers #American Poison #HR Blogging #Historical Fiction

[cathyl-washere]

Hey gamers, this is my first actual post here.

First things first, terfs, nazis, homophobes, racists, you and your lot can and should fuck off. No sissy blogs either, that's not for me.

Minors should maybe not be here either if only for the odd NSFW post, so here's your warning.

Bit of a length warning I suppose? I ramble a bit, but it's my pinned so I guess now's the time.

As my blurb says and avatar implies, I'm a 20 year-old transfem, working with she/her pronouns currently. I'm generally kind of hesitant to really talk about myself to strangers or to even say something in the first place, even when it's just to the void like I have been since I started here about a month and a half ago. You may recall my mentioning that this is my first actual post, or have noticed that I've only tagged like, 2 of my reblogs at time of writing. I'm trying to get out there a bit more which is why I'm even making this, but if I take some time to reply to a pm or whatever, know that there's this on top of anything irl. Also I have a tendency to write in a way as though I were actually talking, so apologies for any overuse of commas or really long sentences. Trying to be mindful of this way of writing myself though.

Should say that whatever eldritch critter lords over us all gave me the delightful combo of being able to remember a bunch of absolutely bizarre and incredibly niche things about whatever while also forgetting it all when it miraculously becomes useful. You may be familiar with the "Spirit of the Staircase?" Gamer, you're looking at her. I mention this to say that despite the length of some of the later parts, they're still not exhaustive.

I've also got into the habit of referring to people as gamers because it has that wonderful combo of being both gender-neutral and oddly funny to me. Not in a demeaning way, my sense of humor has just kind of veered into nonsense.

On that note, I should also mention that I myself have committed a cardinal sin and am indeed, a gamer. Platforms I'm on are Playstation and Switch. PC gaming is unfortunately out of my purview currently. I prefer PvE generally but also don't mind pwning some children if the vibes are there. Hope you have your bingo card ready because yes, Celeste is my favorite game. I have WAY too much time into Warframe and I like Dead by Daylight, Deep Rock Galactic, Risk of Rain 2/Returns, and Slay the Spire quite a bit. Tragically I've been a gamer for a while, so I'm just naming a few of my main ones right now while totally not ignoring a sizeable backlog, no sirree!

Music is also a bit of a vibes thing. Generally more of a fan of less intense songs, which may be an odd thing to follow up on by saying prog rock's also pretty cool. Longer a song is, the better is my usual take. City pop's also superb, language barrier be damned. Vaporwave's awesome. Born and raised on the rock of the 70's and 80's with parents that rarely listened to anything after Kurt Cobain rose to power for most of my younger years, so a good chunk of that has worked its way into my playlist. Video game music has a tendency to be wonderful to my ears as well. Solar Ash, both Risk of Rains (although yes, I lean towards the second + DLC here), Night in the Woods, songs from several of the Persona series (Layer Cake, Beneath the Mask - Rain and both versions of Specialist, oh my!), a few from Warframe and of course, the titular Celeste. Lena really is just something else, and I think I can say with some confidence that Quiet and Falling is just my favorite song generally. It does have some competition, so in no particular order I'll rattle some off: Anri's Shyness Boy, Depeche Mode's Enjoy the Silence (primarily the Hands and Feet Mix version), Hall and Oates' Out of Touch, Mac Demarco's Freaking out the Neighborhood, ABBA's Dancing Queen, Yoko Takahashi's The Cruel Angel's Thesis, Prince's Little Red Corvette, Kensuke Ushio's Crybaby, Jane Pop's Drive to 1980 Love, Shakatak's Bitch to the Boys, Komm Susser Todd from End of Evangelion, Mystical Composer by Momoko Kikuchi, Love don't come Easy by The New Jersey Connection, Once in a Lullaby by Chris Christodoulou, No Tengo Dinero - Maxi by Righeira, Seaside by Dan Mason, In your Eyes by Peter Gabriel, Dinner is not over by Jack Stauber's Micropop, Dress Down by Kaoru Akimoto, Radio Ga-Ga by Queen, Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie, and this list is getting kind of long, huh? God, music is just so freakin' awesome. Truly, one of my biggest regrets will be that I didn't hear enough of it. Band-wise, I'll mention I quite like Steely Dan, Tally Hall, 1986 Omega Tribe, Car Seat Headrest, The Comet is Coming (loving Hyper-Dimensional Expansion Beam right now), Dan Mason, Mitch Murder, Desired, Nyarons, Seycara Orchestral, Shakatak, Ibrahim, OSC, Both Jack Stauber and his Micropop, Prince, Queen, Junko Ohashi, Anri, Meatloaf, Gorillaz, Night Tempo, City Girl, Yes, PKCH, Chris Christodoulou, Cape Coral, Tupperwave, Oresama, Weird Al (EBAY in particular will forever take up some of my brain space at any given moment) and good ol' Lena Raine. While we're here, I guess the one album I'll mention is Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of the War of the Worlds. Make sure it's the original though, some of the songs were revamped in recent years and personally I'm not partial to that rendition of them.

If you inferred that I might like some anime given the above section has quite a few Japanese artists then yes, your intuition was correct. I have fallen off of it recently, but stuff like Neon Genesis Evangelion, Cowboy Bebop, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Mob Psycho, and My Life With Monster Girls are some that I enjoy.

Romantically, I'd say I'm into women. We're entering kind of weird territory for me here though because while I would quite like a romantic partner and someone to cuddle with, I'm kind of not so sure how keen I am on any actual sex? Half of me wonders if I'm just asexual while the other half wonders if it might actually be a case of finding the proper someone. I don't know, it's very much uncharted territory for me and I'm not sure where I'll end up on it. Also the whole "finally accepting that I'm trans" thing probably has its influence somewhere in there.

Politically, just give people stuff. Meet their basic needs, implement a UBI, make it so that every grandparent has a bottomless jar of sweets for the wee ones. Public transport good, cars bad, Golf is actively terrible in multiple ways. Chuck bricks at cops, detonate an oil rig (in Minecraft, I guess), eat the rich, the usual. Ideally, mix the three. Abortions and contraception are healthcare, and alongside education all should be free. Kill the cop in your head, both in the sense that if you saw someone shoplift, no you didn't and that you don't have to impose yourself on people just having some earnest, unconventional fun. These are some of my viewpoints, but I'm hesitant to try and pin myself down with a specific position due to a lack of having really read well, any greater political works, still needing to flatten some views I've kind of just had seep into me from the greater culture ("But is x really the proper thing" is tragically a constant, but I've needed to quash the Devil's Advocate voice in my head for years at this point. The little bastard never truly seems to leave. Yeah, having a little gremlin constantly try and check my thoughts can be handy now and then, but it gets really annoying when I think about topics like how the death penalty shouldn't be a thing because like, what are you doing here you idiot? Don't let your personal misgivings with a person allow for executions), and honestly a little because I need to try and be firmer as a person. I put a lot more stock into the thoughts of others than my own, and sometimes it's tough to remember that me and my thoughts also have value, whatever that looks like. Is that the best thing to just type aloud? Also don't hit your kids, regardless of circumstance.

Uhhh got to say I'm blanking a bit on what else to put in. Closing remarks now I suppose. Life is fucking awesome, and I mean that to apply to most-every instance of it. We're all just here on our queer little blogs having a time with one another, and isn't that wonderful? The past 5 years or so have been terrible mentally for me with a few really bad months in particular this year, but I finally feel like I'm on the up-and-up. Accepting that I'm trans after repressing it for a while, finally cutting off a bad friend (hopefully for good), working on getting HRT. With any luck, I'll have some patches in my hands next Friday, the 15th of September. That's huge for me, not only in the obvious sense but because my brain somehow twisted itself into thinking that I can't take this whole topic seriously outside of hair growth and shaving facial hair until I actually get some form of HRT into my hands, AND IT'S HAPPENING! AAAAHHH!!! I'm moving into the next chapter of my life after being kind of stagnant for a while, and I've had such a wonderful vigor these past few weeks that I haven't known in ages. I've really embraced an appreciation of what others might consider mundane, and just trying to be a bit goofy. Letting things roll off of me, even if the anxiety tends to really weaken my legs and make me nauseous. I stay silly. The horrors may persist, but so do I. So do you. How lovely.

Also,

#transfem #tw child abuse #Not my own abuse though #My parents are just so amazing #I love them both so much #Did that come off wrong? Apologies #I just gush about them whenever possible #Did I even do this post correctly? #Let's find out baby first time for everything #I'm also on mobile if that's relevant I guess

[just-a-random-raccoon]

Introduction post (pls read under the cut)

Okkkkk I think it's time for me to make a post of those. Yeah I should have done this sooner? Idk

Hi! I'm Random. Also known as the raccoon that steals your garbage. Also known as "the demonic child" (doesn't implies I'm a child irl. It's just that my sona is a child + ghost) You mostly know me by Wattpad or YouTube, just happened to find my blog, or know me by another social media. I'm known for being in too many places on the internet so I will put my social media in another section of this post. I use She/He/They. Bisexual all the way. And I really don't mind which pronouns you use, just gotta use those three and I'm fine.

Basically, I don't got exactly a DNI. Just, don't be a proshipper, racist, homophobic, transphobic or anything problematic really. If I am part of your DNI I will not interact with you (bc I respect wishes of ppl) and if you get to interact with me, I will clarify I'm part of your dni.

ALSO! Do not repost my art or videos, you can like put them in compilations or reacts IF you ask + put credits (even if I don't consider is too good but ok)

I will not tell my age because that's private, until I am comfortable to do so- if you insist me to give you my age and make pressure abt it sadly I will have to block you :(

I'M IN TOO MANY FANDOMS so prepare for the list:

- Five Nights at Freddy's

- Dayshift at Freddy's

- Dialtown

- Sander Sides

- Heathers

- Beetlejuice

- Spooky Month

- Welcome Home

- Doki Doki Literature club

- Mr Hopp's Playhouse

- Backrooms

- Piggy

- Dark Deception

- Bendy and the Ink Machine

- Walten Files

- Needlem0use

- Bugbo

I have also too much AUs but for now I'm focusing only in two of them in this blog, which is the After Death AU of DSaF! (Doing the book in Wattpad, the link is in here actually!) And the kids AU! Of also DSaF! (In my one-shots book of Wattpad!)

The After Death AU is basically Jack coming to the After Life later of spending 5 years in the Void (which caused some amnesia)

The kids AU is just Jack and Dave adopting (reluctantly) two kids that are twins. Jason and Janet, I have 3 endings in this AU!

You can send asks of either of them

I also have a Dialtown oc called Mortis! You can send asks of him too.

Like you see for now this blog is mainly DSaF but later you will see more fandoms!

And last of it all social media!

You're already on my Tumblr

YouTube

Wattpad

TikTok

Instagram (just for seeing no content) (this could change tho)

Quotev (I don't use it)

AO3

I also have Discord, Cha.ai, Spotify and Roblox! But it's personal so I won't share it. The discord one changes if you send me like an invitation for your server OR we are mutuals and you wanna talk there.

Also PLEASE specify in dms if we are mutuals or just follow each other and that's it. Bc I have some trouble telling if we are mutuals

I really don't mind. Actually, I'm pretty happy to have more mutuals + MUTUALS ARE SO COOL. + EVERY MUTUAL OF MINE IS MY IDOL.

You can see I appreciate mutuals.

Your garbage is not safe of me tho.

#introduction post #yeah forgotto tag #introduction

[thinkpink212]

Things I am leaving behind in 2022 & Why

After a long and eventful year, I hope to take the many realizations I have had and shed all undesired habits, behaviors & people who no longer serve me.

☁️Anything that taints my energy; It has taken a long time realizing that sometimes what I consume, regardless of if it is people, media, products or habits, does not always contribute positively to my experience on this beautiful earth. So, my future self will know peace as I start to consume less media that fatigue, anger & distract me. Cut off those who drain me with each interaction. And lastly, I will no longer participate in activities (gossip, conversations & arguments) that adds nothing to my existence. If someone comes to me with subjects that go against me, I will set my boundary or remove myself. I am tired of constantly attempting to fill the void and time in my life with endless & meaningless interactions irl & online. But as I go about it all, I will have patience with myself because it is not always as easy said then done, but it will be done. My time and energy are valuable, so it is about time I acted like it.

☁️Reacting before thinking, assessing or reflecting; Speaking before truly sitting with what has been said or is happening, has never served me. It does not matter if it is a disrespectful comment, information that shocked or angered me, someone trying to provoke me, no matter what, I need to learn to take things in & sit with them before giving it a reply or reaction. I wish to further evolve my emotional maturity alongside my inner calmness, in hopes of nothing being able to truly rock me. And if I cannot always hold back, I hope that what I say is at least passed through my mind so that I speak without regret.

☁️Prolonged senses of doubts & overthinking; I have had to remind myself constantly that the doubt I hold onto is not one produced by me, so why am I holding onto it as if it belongs to me? Doubts have been placed onto me throughout my whole life & in 2023 I release it all in hopes of rebuilding a trusting relationship with myself. I am more then capable of making decisions, I am worth trusting & know what is best for myself. On top of that, I also know what I am doing, if not now I will know down the line (and that is okay) I want and will trust myself again to the fullest extent of the word. Just look back a few steps, I got us (me) here & I will do it again.

☁️Negative self talk & neglecting my health; I will no longer speak to myself how I have in the past. I have patience, kindness & nothing but love towards myself. How I treat me is how I would treat younger me & how I want to always be treated by me & the future tribe who choose to thrive besides me. I will no longer put aside my needs for convenience sake, If I need to have a break, I will take it. I may be stubborn but I will listen & take care of this beautiful vessel (body) my soul chose. I will no longer overindulge, neglect my needs or skip routines I know will help me in the long run. This is for you (me), no one else, so honor yourself.

☁️Not keeping my word & promises to myself; Lastly, but most important — being let down is one of the most triggering things I continue to experience. And in 2023 I am moving beyond disappointing myself & others. No promises I make will be made without intent of doing them. That goes for myself & the promises I make to those around me. I will not set goals I do not have intent to accomplish nor put things off only to never get them done — I will not be one to trust without seeing the walk that follows the talk, and I will no longer participate in disappointing myself. I (me) got you (me), always.

I have no true limitations, the world is here for me to experience it & experience myself, so I am ready to receive all my blessings & lessons. I am ready to meet the future me who is at peace & living our best life to the fullest. Period.

☁️ 2023, here I come ☁️

#new years resolution #motivational #emotional maturity #emotional growth #healing #journal #thinkpink thoughts #lifestyle #manifesting #healing journey #black girl excellence #generational curses #black girl luxury #thinkpink upload

[glux2]

So it's my b-day, what's for me today? I think i need to open up more about myself, even if it's just me shouting to the void and a few mutuals and friends who follow me here:

For the last couple of years i have privately been identifying myself as a trans woman, i think of myself and refer to myself in feminine pronouns and adjectives, i have opened about this to close friends who have supported me and let me do this with them freely.

I am not ready for IRL opening about this, i live in a place where...things are not ideal, i still don't feel comfortable opening to people IRL, hell even disclosing i am pansexual IRL feels too risky of a move for me.

But i guess a journey starts with little steps, gotta start somewhere, gotta "do what i can the best that i can", and starting to personally see myself, think of my self as a woman is what i can do for now.

I don't know when or how i will ever get the means to start a proper transition, i have mentioned before the idea of transitioning some day is something that i dangle like a carrot in front of my self to move forward, but i actually have zero clue of how to proceed.

I have lived in a very small world my entire life, and i feel like i will one day have to leave the security of this small world if i want to realize my true self, but also, the bigger outer world terrifies me, i am held back by the comfort of the known & the fear of the unknown.

However long this journey may take, however long the only thing i can do is privately be myself by myself with a few of my dearest online friends, i guess that's still taking a step, and that should be fine for now. Progress is progress.

I know this is not much, but i hope with this y'all (and I) have grown to know me better.

Yours truly,

Rebecca

#My art #birthday #vent?

[squeiky]

Sometimes I get really sad and lonely and then I scroll through tumblr.

I think I have to start making a routine to walk outside, but i keep making excuses not too. The only outside place I want to be is on my porch and a park that’s 30 minutes away.

I’m really lonely apparently. It’s a side effect of having very little of a social life (aside from the few interactions on here. Since I don’t interact with anyone on any other site tbh.)

I think it’s just easy for me to be alone. Like I’m sure I developed some kind of abandonment issues and I’m fully aware of how it makes me feel- and that might be why i keep avoiding irl interactions.

Everything feels easier here. No anxiety no pressure. I know people here are okay and already know my goofy little self. I don’t have to worry about appearances and present how I desire. I don’t feel trapped.

I can scream into the void here. I can keep screaming and maybe one day, someone might just scream back. It’s a good feeling.

I keep feeling guilty for posting or rebloging so much. I look at other people getting asks or interactions as “successes”. I see comments and tags and it’s “success”. At what? Hell if I know. Perhaps some social game like popularity, or the fact that somebody is liked enough to have people talk to them.

Ugh, I used to read my old blog posts from an account long abandoned. Reeked of insecurity. I see myself falling back into that spiral over and over again whenever the darkness creeps up a little to closely. Like I can only eve ignore it for so long, until I’m back to screaming again like I am now.

It’s like that stupid feeling, like someone in the back of my mind is screaming “please be with me.” It’s crying all the time.

I don’t know what freindship is, I only see people in black and whites of “useful” and “not useful” the definition of useful isnt exact and varies person to person, but I recognize this is my thought process.

I guess there’s the guilt of it all too. Some underlying shame or guilt constantly pestering me. I hate annoying things and it’s really annoying.

I’m young, and I’m still figuring things out. Though that doesn’t really invalidate or solve how I feel now. Idk.

At some point in time I forgot how to talk to people in real life. It’s like when I do my soul leaves my body and I just go on autopilot. Only to return to a state of constant evaluation and analysis (which are my saviors).

Sometimes I just want to stay broken. Or maybe I was never broken to begin with. I don’t know. I’m sad and buttnaked writing this at 11:54 because I’m slowly developing a fear of sleeping (technically I just have s very strong desire to stay awake for no reason in particular.)

I fucked up with the alt descriptions for my art. I’m unsure if I’m making excuses not to make alts because it’s too much effort-or it’s something else.all I know is that I feel guilty about it.

I hate guilt (or is what I feel shame? I’m uncertain). I wish I never felt it. It’s a disgusting feeling that only does me bad. Usually I can just determine via logic when ive fucked up. But if what I feel is guilt then I do not like it. I wish it wasn’t there I wish it didn’t exist because it annoys me.

I cleared out my wounds too. I’m hopping I made it better by opening up a covered path that was clogging the infection gunk from getting out- and some dead skin. Getting hurt sucks.I thought I would be stronger. But I am reminded I am frail.

Screaming into the void in hopes of a freind. It’s a strange habit to have. Always screaming never a reply. I wish I could make things like this one person I follow. I’ve never seen them ever sad about their lack of interactions (atleast in this platform). I’m trying to be like that. But it sucks that I can’t register likes Orin the same way I do as reason people’s tags or comments or seeing their reblogs.

Since I’m always reblogging other peoples stuff, there’s always that nagging feeling when ever I make my own shit that it’s never enough.

One day though I think I’ll feel “enough”. I’ll drink champagne on that day and eat a chocolate cupcake. Just like a birthday celebration.

[smollestskele]

Hello tumblr-void.

As I have the insatiable need to vomit my emotions to a population that'll never know me irl, I'm only left with this place to put this that they won't see it:

I wanna get back with my ex so fuckin bad.

They and I literally only broke up because of

Family sabatogue

Undiagnosed and severe metal illness

FUCK YOU MOM, YOU GET YOUR OWN BULLET POINT FOR TRIGGERING THEIR BPD TO MANIFEST. FUCK. YOU. YOU AND YOUR UNDIAGNOSED-BPD SHIT.

Aggressive inability to read each other's autism

Not understanding how the other one showed how aggressively horny they were

And select psychosis-related lack of communication

All of which we've finally communicated and talked over in a healthy way, finally.

This is so stupid. I was the one pining for like a year and knowing I couldn't say anything til they figured some things out about themself in college. "Hey, ik I'm a lesbian and ur a transman, so we can't date cuz I can't see myself with a man even though this is the first genuine crush i've had since my first ex in high school!" followed by silently screaming in joy when they trusted me first to talk about how they might really be non-binary and me learning that burying my feelings to not invalidate their gender and my desires for anyone not a man may have been uneeded. 6 months of waiting to make sure they didn't rush to conclusions and were comfy being NB, of hoping they'd say they were even though I'd support them no matter what.

And now here I am FUCKING AGAIN! FUCK THIS, MAN!! (Granted we mutually pined, but I held off saying stuff cuz I didn't wanna interrupt their self-discovery and jump the gun on some things so it counts). THE FIRST TIME WAS ENOUGH AND NOW I GOTTA HOPE, DESPITE BEING LIKE 99% SURE, THAT THEY HAVEN'T MOVED ON AND WANNA TRY AGAIN TOO?? AND HOPE THEY DON'T FIND SOMEONE WAY BETTER SUITED FOR THEM THAT THEY TOTALLY DESERVE OVER MY ROCD ASS??

WHAT THE FUCK KINDA GOD MADE MY LIFE ONE NEVER-ENDING ROMCOM!?!

I know, I get it. I asked for a romance novel type relationship. But I DID NOT ASK FOR SOME BL-TROPE, BURNED OUT TOO HARD AND THEN FELL BACK IN LOVE AFTER TIME APART PLOT-LINE BS, GFY GOD!!

#Ignore me #Or don't #whatevs

[tsui-no-sora]

I am on a talkative mood rn so yes have this <3

To be fair I am a lurker pretty much and I was so close to being a lurker with Karmaland too; the only reason I made a side blog was because I wanted to make a pun out of the url (Quackity with K of Karmaland - Kuackity).

I didn't see more than a couple of reblogs, maybe a tag or two in the future of that blog. I am usually nervous talking like in text cause I am not the most elocuent person nor the one with the best gramatic and wording.

But I think you were the one who made me want to become active, I just couldn't help responding to your takes and the back and forth of input made me so happy that I decided to invest myself in this of being active and voicing things.

Thanks to you I made a pinned comment (yes my example was your own, sorry), I started liveblogging (seeing you reblog my live blogs was special), you were my first ask (and probably the reason I have gotten asks since most are anons and you told me I had it off), I made banners cause I saw you made one, and so many little things.

Now I have 30 followers (is not a lot maybe to some but I was always on 2 in my main), a lot of posts, people reblogging content, adding their own, I have guides now, and anons with special names and so much.

I am sappy now, but thank you so much. I am so glad to be your mutual (you my first mutual too) and I am just happy in general to be able to droo here, or in your tags, or see you in my tags, in my asks. Just yeah 💜💚

-kuackity

Sorry I read this and then I re read this and then I read it again because I was freaking out I took screenshots of it so I don't lose this ask

You don't know how happy it makes me hear that me yelling back to the posts you wrote made you want to be more active I have never really been active in any fandom before except for one where it was literally just me and my irl friends posting for each other it's really difficult for me to get enough confidence and energy to post my fics and to post my analysis about things even now I still have so many posts on drafts because I get nervous and scared easily you are really like the first person I have interacted like this with ever

You are also the reason I even get asks and stuff now I have always been used to just sending them and lurking around but now I mostly get at least one or two asks a day you don't know how insane that is to me and trust me I get it 30 doesn't feel like a lot compared to other people but I had my main for about eleven years now and used to be really active on it and never got past like 10 followers and they were all irl friends so it is a lot

It's so cool being told you made the banners because you saw mine because I loved the banners you made and immediately wanted to use them and I inspired my own pin posts out of the blogs I looked up to the Liveblogs thing as well I got more interested in posting my random thoughts in real time because I saw you doing the same and I wanted to keep reblogging and interacting

I initially thought that posting about Karmaland was just going to be me yelling to the void with maybe one or two reblogs here and there you don't know how happy it has made me to actually have somebody to speak about my Minecraft series with and somebody to send asks and reply to posts back and forth to make theories and headcanons with it's really the best part of fandom

You are the first mutual on this fandom that I actually speak with consistently and I really love your posts and I'm glad I helped you get a little more confidence to share them with the world our community it's rather small but I like that it exists and we are in it you know it's really cool it warms my heart and you even got your anons with cool names

Thank you too for being such a cool person and hanging out with me in my blog I love hanging out in your inbox and in your tags all the time

#❤️💖💗💓💘♥️💝 #k i love you let me give you a hug #for real aaaaaa this ask made me so happy #you have no clue how nice it is to hear this from u #u the best #kuackity tag #beloved's asks

[solitarydoomsday]

ABT ME + DNI

ELLIOT/ASELUS || HE/VOID/STATIC PRONOUNS || 16 SUM STUFF ABT ME

I AM TRANSMASC!

i'm a system! we're known as the game system and we have over 50 alters, only about 15 active in front on the regular.

i'm autistic, my special intrests are homestuck (most likely) and mlp! 

i'm a "selfshipper" but any ship art between me and a cannon character in any work is reinforced by me being in a relationship with a fictive of that character (ex. karkat vantas, sollux captor, jake english, etc. will provide a list at the end for IRLs/fictives uncomfortable with selfshippers + the tag so you can block it if you would like to follow me and NOT see it.) 

I AM OPEN TO CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM!! please feel free to correct me if i say something wrong, have a bad view or otherwise (especially to my face! just please be nice about it.). i will do my best to correct myself.

i only speak on topics that i myself can speak on, otherwise i will find resources and redirect you there.

pspsps if you’re intrested i have commissions and a self-insert mspfa, you can read through them here (my dni and about me are a little outdated though, best to stay here for that kind of thing.): https://rawrzx3.carrd.co/

DNI

basic dni criteria (racist, transphobic, homophobic, etc etc)

TERFs(trans-exclusionary radical feminist)/radfems

proshippers

MAPs

stridercest, dersecest, anything that ends in "-cest" shipper

over 20 (ONLY APPLIES IF YOU'RE TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME, commissions, follows, reblogs and general discussions/questions are welcome!)

anti-neopronouns/xenogenders

blogs with NSFW

anti-recovery (to a harmful extent)

SYSCOURSE MOTHERFUCKERS.

“SELFSHIP” LIST (WITH QUADS (woah)) (personal selfship tag is “sel kisses boys”)

KARKAT VANTAS || <3 <3< <>

sollux captor || <>

jake english || <3

john egbert || <3

dammek || <3<

xefros tritoh || <3

kankri vantas || <3 (i fucked your dancestor, shit lips @ karkat //j)

cronus ampora || <3

sonic the hedgehog || <3

vriska serket || QPR (<3< in more “cannonical” connotations)

casinoCups!cuphead || <>

mituna captor || QPR 

NOTE: just because i selfship with a character that aligns with you because you ARE that character, it does NOT mean i am attracted to you. (ex. karkat fictives/irls are the best example for this since i have so many karkat friends lol. if you are a karkat i will most likely want to moot/befriend you but NOT for romantic reasons, if it were like that you would probably have to be the one to hint at it first anyway bcus im recipromantic. i just think karkats are really cool friends and i just want to know more of them :3)

#intro post #dni #about me

[treehouse-void]

Here's an ask for ya.

I know friends are important, and everyone should have a good friend. Yet I don't feel like I have any friends.

Maybe it's another bit of brainwashing that my grandparents have put into my skull, or the fact that I am the youngest of all my siblings, but I just don't think I have any real friends on here.

Whenever I say some shit I always get a cookie cutter "Ok". I don't get the same in depth conversation that I had gotten before from other groups.

I don't feel like when I share my HC's or fanboy over my own story that I am doing it with anyone. I'm just the cook in the back, making garbage for people who I will never meet, or form any sort of friendship with.

I don't have anyone my age to talk to. Where I am at, everyone is either a mormon or a farmer. I don't have anyone else who is into the things I am. For irl stuff, I am fully alone.

Here online? No one likes me. No one truly cares if I live or die, only caring if my content still happens.

Finding out why people follow me is a huge tell for me. You're here for the content, and not for me.

I could post a video of myself, gouging my eyes out and you'd go.

"Oh no! Now the trilling tale of Acacius and Odios will never be resolved! He abandoned the story!!!!!"

I want attention so that I can form an actual friendship with someone. I want someone who I can share all my stupid ideas with, and they'd actually care...

Back on discord, my closest friend actually bothered to ask me how I was and how my day was. It felt like nothing, but knowing that I had someone who cared for me and not my story was nice.

I'm not looking for you to come off Mount Sinai with stone tablets giving me the magic spell to make me feel better. You're just a person online who likes funni red kaiju and blue bat man, you're far from a licensed therapist.

I'm here just to get this off my chest to someone who will listen. You listened, and showed that maybe one person on here cares for me a bit more than just an author. So good job, you get a golden sticker and a box of appy juice.

Thanks for the appy juice, it's been at least a couple or so school years since I had some. I may be far from a qualified licensed therapist, but I'm sure I'm more than qualified to be your friend.

I can do "the basics", as in what friends are supposed to do:

I can start a conversation.

I can ask questions such as "How you are doing?" and "What are you doing?"

I can compliment you and your artwork without words such as "cool", "awesome", and "amazing".

Among other things people are capable of doing.

I can also do unique things that I think only I can do, such as:

End conversations awkwardly to where if you were to scroll up to read old messages you'd probably laugh at the awkwardness to some degree.

Support you through good and bad, and actually be there for you and not just be saying it.

Be a shoulder to cry on and openarms for hugs if you like them.

Translate Kitty, for more information search for treehouse-void.

Point out things in your artwork I genuinely liked, even though I'm probably not the best person to ask for criticism on artwork.

And a whole bunch more that I'm either not wanting to put down or just don't remember.

Fair warning for if you do accept this: I might accidentally not respond for awhile. Either my mind is making me do other things, my parents are, or my phone died while I was responding.

I hope you think it through and DM me which method of communication you prefer best.

If you wish to decline, I accept this answer as well.

#answer #ask #into the null and void #friend request #so to speak #tumblr post friend request #first tumblr post friend request

[jonnnysuh]

life update:

⭐️hi friends!! it's been a long time since i've posted anything but i noticed that in the time of my hiatus i accumulated quite a bit of followers so i wanted to reacquaint myself to u guys! // if you've been curious as to what i've been up to the last couple of months (omggg you're so nosy jk) here is an update

I got my license!! I'm on roads SKRRRT.  I'm slowly getting confidence to drive alone to places but it's been fun having the freedom to go anywhere and know I always have the option to drive. ((I also bring around a small blue octopus plushy as a passenger on days I gotta travel by myself))

Along with getting my license, I've become more outgoing. I used to identify as a super introvert/homebody but now I actually enjoy going out and gotta do it at least once a week

I AM GRADUATING!!!!!!!!! The beginning and the middle of the semester was super hard because I was truly giving up. I had no motivation to do anything. I felt like I had no personal time and I didn’t  know what to do. I was coming to peace with the idea of taking another semester or year of university. Spending time with my friends and just having talks about this stress gave me the strength to push myself. I'm the type of girl that tries again so I kept telling myself "it's not over til it's over" and tried my best until the end of the semester and I did it!!! Ya girl will be walking across a stage to get her diploma in JUNE eeeeee.

I learned to not just readjust but stand up for myself at my internship!!! Long story short: it was a messy place and I still stood my ground

I actually made some friends in my last semester of school!! idk if any of you remember but I was super nervous to go to school for the first time in two years, but I was grouped with people I really loved. We even went to an escape room together when the semester ended❤️ ((we made our projects weird as fuck but it made it sooo worth it))

I assistant directed and cowrote a music video for an up-and-coming artist with one of my closest friends. It was a surreal experience and done within a two week turnaround time and it was crazy but so fun

I finally feel comfortable with how I look. I maybe even feel beautiful. I got a super bad haircut in February and its grown to a decent length now and I've learned to do my makeup in a way I think really complements my face. I still haven’t dyed my hair red yet but it is coming I promise

I had yet another talking stage that didn't end in a relationship and I'm okay!! LMAO HE WAS A SELF-PROCLAIMED "recovering fuckboy" AND I AM A GIRL WITH COMMITMENT ISSUES SOMEONE PLS WRITE THIS FAN FICTION. But in all seriousness we both knew this about each other and we tried and nothing came out of it. Truly honestly this made me realize that I was trying to fill a void that has never made me happy in the first place. Like irl men have only caused me pain and stress. So I've refocused and poured all my time in hanging out with my friends and family and I have never been happier.

that's all for now. i would really love to write some more bc i miss being creative and the community that came with it. i missed you guys a lot. if you guys have life updates of your own i'd love to hear it <3

#about me i guess #life update eeee #may is my favourite month #thank you for reading if you got to the whole thing #ALSO GOT7 COMING BACK? may is so good

[langermanns]

v. a post from michael

hello again.

this blog is really starting to feel like a diary. i guess that is what it is, for all intents and purposes, so i'm hesitant to let anyone know it exists. especially the more personal posts get, and i know they will get more personal because that's what i came here to talk about.

but i do want to tell someone. i think because it feels better to know that i'm not alone, not only because it feels better to know that i'm not speaking into the void, that someone is listening, but also because i want to know that someone who understands is listening. it feels stupid and selfish, performative, maybe? to want anyone to bear witness to something that i know will be triggering and very personal. even the host has a problem with needing to feel seen. he just tends to be less forward about it, i guess.

i tend to speak directly. no beating around the bush, no jokes. i can sit here and say, "i am tired of feeling alone in these experiences, and i dont know how to reach out, so i am writing it all down and opening it up to people that i feel would understand in some way." whereas the host just makes stupid, cryptic posts like "ohh now i know why its so hard to write outlast 2 fanfic lol" or something like that.

i understand why. plenty of people would be uncomfortable posting personal thoughts to a blog with a lot of strangers following you (and a lot of people you know irl, or are friends with online). the only reason im making these posts now is because absolutely nobody follows this blog yet, and up until i reveal it to anyone, it will remain a private, safe place for me to talk about these feelings. and i can turn off reblogs.

anyway, just to elaborate on the previous post in regards to my own identity vs. blake. i am not blake, i know this for certain now. to speak in third person for the sake of self analysis, michael's identity has a few pretty stark differences from blake's. blake is strongly connected to his kin identity, and i would say is a degree removed as a trauma holder. he copes with trauma by putting himself in the shoes of his kin, acknowledging the basics of his trauma but is unable to go into specifics. that would put him far too closely in the shoes of the host.

i, on the other hand, am already here. i guess i am, point-blank, a trauma holder. there is no character i try to relate to. my name doesn't come from anyone else. it's just the name that felt right. the host doesn't really know any michaels irl, so it's a pretty clean slate of a name. and i think being clean is important for me to maintain a solid way of handling trauma.

this is such a long post already. as important as i think self analysis is in regards to the development of this blog / journal, it sure as hell takes up a lot of time. writing makes me tired. i used to write down my dreams before bed, because id remember the ones from the previous night much better as i was trying to fall asleep. so i would start writing down what i remembered until i was tired enough to close my eyes, and i think i sort of trained myself to get tired when i'm writing at night. that sucks.

i have something else i wanted to talk about, but i'll put it in a different post. see you later.

#.txt #// michael

[disgruntledexplainer]

for new followers

for any new followers confused about my personal politics, I am not a conservative. I am not a liberal. I am not even a centrist. I do not subscribe to capitalism, communism, or especially fascism. to me, the republican and democrat parties are both despicable abominations, at odds with the will of God. I do not believe in the existence of race, let alone racial supremacy. I despise eugenics, I loath abortion, I condemn genocide and lynching. I call out greedy capitalists and crazy rioters alike. I support the poor, the working class, small business owners, academics, immigrants, jews, and catholic clergy above all other demographics unapologetically.

I do not allow my religious beliefs to be subject to my politics. my religious beliefs determine my politics. I am a Catholic, first and foremost, and that is where my loyalties lie. Not to political party, not to nation. only to faith.

personal experience has taught me that I can count on Jews to be my friends. Outside of my faith, it is only they who have consistently treated me like a person, despite my disability. I will always stand up for them, regardless of any danger to myself. I’ve also become rather fond of quakers over my time studying history to get my degree, but i’ve never actually met one.

this is a blog devoted to screaming into the void, because there is nowhere for me to physically scream IRL. on top of my autism, I also have depression AND an anxiety disorder, which makes my need to scream rather frequent, be it from too much noise, to much pressure, or just existing.

you will occasionally see me quote the Bible, encyclicals from Pope Pius XI, Pius XII, and Pope Francis, the writings of JRR Tolkien, or A Canticle for Leibowitz. you will also see me vacillate between extreme optimism and extreme pessimism. I will sporadically talk about history (my major), physics (my minor), or D&D (my hobby). my favorite superhero is Rex Salazar from Generator Rex, my favorite band is Rush, and my favorite books are A Canticle for Leibowitz, the Lord of the Rings, and Deltora Quest.

there are certain things on this blog I loudly denounce, while there are other things i’m quiet about. this is because I have a sequential order of things i’m willing to spend energy getting mad about, and some things are so low on the list that I can’t be bothered. for example, I do believe that homosexual relations are mortal sins. but you won’t hear me talk about it much, because it’s just not worth it. i used to hold the same hands-off approach to the trans issue, but they seem so intent on making themselves a hypocritical, hysterical, unironically bigoted nuisance that they completely flipped my stance on them over the course of three months. the dodger’s acceptance of the hate group known as the “Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence” was the last straw, and for now they’ve managed to get into my top 10 things i scream about, up there with fucking q-anon.

oh yeah, I also “swear” a lot, though i never take the Lord’s Name in vain. ever. If bad words aren’t your cup of tea, this isn’t the best blog to follow.

if anything I have said here makes you uncomfortable, you might want to unfollow me to avoid my sporadic barrages of angry posts. just saying.

[regretfulzephyr]

I really, truly hope you read this.

The gravity of some things you only realise after you've fucked up in life, and believe me the realisation and regret I constantly experience every day since that day (you know full well which day I'm referring to) is insurmountable. You know who you are, because you are probably the only person who can read this (without tags) since you're the only person who follows me lol. If you're reading this (if not now, then probably some time in the future for certain, as I know you unconditionally continue to support and like whatever I post, despite what may have occured between us), then I just wanna apologize to you. I considered you one of my best friends ever (i don't keep random people in my life for no reason and believe me my friend, you are no random person) in fact you are the farthest from any random person. Now I don't know where I rank in your life, as I know you have a ton of other friends you'd rather invest your time in, than a sad loser like me. I feel so ashamed to admit that this used to be one of my gripes with you, that i probably don't even matter to you, among the sea of friends and attention you have, but I'd like to believe that I was wrong, I'd like to hope that I was wrong, that it was probably my overthinking brain that was doing all the talking. I'd like to believe that me thinking, that I was nothing to you, was nothing more than a stupid misconstrued notion on my end. I really want to believe that, since the notion that the person you invested in so much emotionally, didn't even care about you at all, is scary and disheartening as fuck, albeit technically the truth, if that is the case however. I'm ashamed of my bitterness and jealousy of you being with someone else at this point, so much to the point that it blinded me. Ever since you left, its like a void has developed, which I no matter how desperately I try to fill away with other people, remains empty. I was dumb to believe that ghosting you, with or without an explanation, or quitting social media for a week or two then coming back like nothing happened ever seemed like a half decent idea. If anything it only really worsened things for me, and it made us fall apart even more. I know at this point in time, you have probably moved on me, and you are probably content with your life and friends, just everything the way it is. It is only naive of me to expect that you haven't, just goes to show how quickly life passes away. I have not yet fully been able to overcome all these things, I'm- its just the kind of person I am. I either don't give a shit, or invest in people I think are worth to a massive degree, and when my heart aches this much, I realise that I've reached the point of no return. You see I am not so different from the name I chose for this blog after all haha. The way I broke things off with you was not me, I'm not like this, yet I chose to make what i now reaffirm was a huge mistake. I'm writing this on the first day of the new year, with a pining of not wanting to drag on to past stuff, i would really like to apologise to you again, for what happened between us. hit me up whenever or if you'd like, because I clearly don't have the guts to approach you directly. (I think I'm being farfetched here but if you wanna meet irl sometime and talk about feelings like a bunch of losers i will be so down lmfaoo)

Writing this hoping that you'll read this someday, and thinking about friends who don't talk much, but I too truly, genuinely hope they're doing well in life.

Here's to a great 2023 🥂

Cheers

regretfulzephyr

[lynchianstoner]

It's crazy to me how this social media is the only place I really feel like I can just be who I am. Like no one irl that I'm aware of follows me on here so I feel like I can drop this mask that I've attempted to create over the course of my life to pass as a normal-ish person.

I can just be a weird little guy here and my blog is small enough and personal enough that no one really cares about my hot takes on stuff. There's no pressure to interact since this is the one platform I don't have any "true mutuals" on since I took like a three or four year break from this place when I stopped being as into fandoms. Even then I'm just gonna use this as my void to shout into knowing I can read the posts to my therapist later.

On a wildly different note, it kind of feels like I'm just repeating high school, like I'm entirely alone at the end of the day but I have a few points where I don't feel as alone. I mean now I have someone that's just amazing for me and does their best to support me, which is a total upgrade from high school, along with having weed to help the social anxiety and just softens my perspective of the world so I don't hurt myself or do something worse. It's still fucking shitty though. Sometimes it feels like I should recede and accept that maybe I don't belong fully anywhere, like I should just be a social drifter and give up making meaningful friendships.

I think the root of a lot of my mental hangups socially is not having the kind of childhood that fosters close connections, and a mental image of a close knit group of friends like the Loser's Club from It or Mystery Incorporated, and because I idolized those and wasn't able to make friends like that due to moving around and not initially being that social.

Huh, fuck, that explains a lot. Mainly posted for posterity and for future reference

#mental health #personal rant #venting

[star-gf]

oh how time has flown - a journal entry

TW: sa, abuse, mental illness

the great thing about tumblr is that it feels like i'm just screaming into the void. which is exactly what i need. no one hears and no one knows. i don't think there's anyone i know irl that still follows this account so that's relieving. if there is, I can't tell because when I open my 'followers,' it's blank entirely. if you're here, i'm sorry lol

–

it's currently 1:11am on a fine october monday morning. i'm sitting on my bed, feverishly typing my feelings away.

lately more than ever, i've been having these flashbacks, some pleasant but most horrifying. and even the pleasant ones tend to bring me down now anyways.

the pleasant ones being over-romanticizations of fond memories like eating at panera with my best friend in high school, spontaneous midnight dutch runs with my ex, and having the best times with my coworkers as a manager at a clothing store.

they're beautiful pieces of my own ancient history.

a total andy bernard moment, right? if only there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

the horrifying ones being memories i've tried so hard to forget. the year long sexual abuse as a minor. the emotionally abusive 3-year long relationship with my ex. the even more traumatic breakup that followed. and many other things i doubt i can bring myself to say aloud.

it seems whether pleasant or other, my memories serve to haunt above all else. they weigh on me with insurmountable pressure.

–

i, for the life of me, cannot seem to move forward in one way or another. you know, if you'd asked me 6 years ago where i'd be now, i would have confidently told you i'd graduated two years prior and was finishing up my teaching credential.

how my tragedy-stricken life had plans of its own...

i promise, i am trying to make the best of my life and take action in any way i can, but 98% of the time i feel frozen.

i googled it, it's called executive dysfunction.

great! i have an unofficial name for it. now what?

i feel so stagnate and confined. i want a good life so bad. i don't know where to go... or maybe i do? i think i know where, i just don't know how to get there.

excuse me, sir. when's your next flight to at peace, in love, and finally free?

i'm dying to get there. dying. i want the happy life! finally! let me have it! please?!

i feel pain in my chest at the thought of getting there.

i want the happy life! finally! let me have it!

–

truthfully, i just want peace. i'm tired of being too anxious to enjoy anything in life.

can't watch netflix because i have to be working. if i'm not working, i'm not worthy of existing.

i am operating from a place of extreme financial guilt, i am aware.

can't play my switch because it's actually my ex-boyfriend's and even looking at it makes me want to cry.

i miss you, link, but our DLC challenges will have to wait another year. my heart must heal.

i miss you too, terrisview (animal crossing village; note that i did not name the island, my ex did). i will come back for you. i will pick your weeds, unearth your fossils, and eat your apples once more. my heart must heal.

can't leave the house because what if someone needs me? what if i'm not here to ease the explosive tension should an outburst erupt?

you remember the last time you left, right? you know it's your responsibility to ensure this household's happiness, right? because even if you absolutely cannot prevent an incident, it's still on you to console, mend, and repair.

i am so tired.

–

this vent is yet another form of executively dysfunctional procrastination. i'm supposed to be writing out IG content for a client... and here i am, enjoying a long overdue cry instead.

i can't wait to get where i am going. i am sick. i am tired. i am doing everything i can and it's still not good enough. fuck, dude.

...

well, it was nice catching up! signing off for now. chat soon!

xoxo, sam

#text #vent #personal #negative