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laniemae · 15 days

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Could John start hurting himself in trial 3?

TW FOR SELF HARM

So I’ve got a lot of theories for trial 3 and stuff but this is the one I want to talk about first since it was the one that stuck out to me most yet I haven’t seen people talking about the possibility

I actually wrote about this theory quite a while ago which I’ll just link to but I definitely do think it’s very likely but hasn’t been discussed much.

For a brief summary of the post I made it’s a theory on how John may have self harming desires but doesn’t physically hurt himself as he’s afraid of hurting Mikoto. Basically it’s how the reason why Mikoto’s clothes are so tattered is because John has been ripping them apart in another way to harm himself but not physically hurt Mikoto. Heck, there’s very clearly bite marks on the clothes so I highly doubt it was from the fight with Kotoko. And as well as just ripping his clothing it probably explained the breakdowns John is said to have at night especially in that one minigram where Es heard on it and there was a lot of crashing sounds and stuff breaking, even ripping sounds which definitely matches with what I was saying. So John does all of this in a method to self harm as a stress reliever but not physically harm Mikoto.

So here’s the trial 3 theory. As of recently Mikoto has stopped denying John’s existence as everything he’s seen in heard it’s just too much for him to deny anymore. And instead of that he’s began to hate John so much and blame him for every bad thing that’s happened, even going as far to blame him for what happened to Mahiru even though it was very clearly Kotoko’s fault. And with John, he loves Mikoto. Dedicates his entire existence to him and despite all the constant trauma and suffering he’s endured the only thing that keeps him going is the possibility that Mikoto will love him and praise him for saving him.

“Hey now, I saved you, right? So why in the hell are you crying?

Cling to me, hoist me up as your "savior", stand up and sing out your gratitude, that'd be good.”

Judging by these lyrics, it seems John is somewhat aware that Mikoto is denying his help but still wants to believe it. Even Neoplasm he says how Mikoto’s entrusting him with his heart, which can either be he doesn’t fully know about the hatred or is denying it. But what I’m really worried about is how much Mikoto loathes John in trial 3 and what he could do.

As I said earlier John dedicates his existence to Mikoto and I couldn’t explain how John may feel after he would realise his hatred for Mikoto aside from his entire existence being denied. I already discussed this in another theory but for John to so deeply love Mikoto and dedicates everything to protecting him and only holding on with the possibility of approval and being told he did a good job, only to be met with unimaginable hatred from the person who he idealises as someone who could never hate anyone must be devastating on so many levels for John and… you can tell where I’m getting at here.

So what would happen next? Could perhaps John feel so betrayed by Mikoto that he could go to actually physically hurting himself out of conflicting feelings around Mikoto? Loving him like that but feeling so betrayed and hurt that he just tries not to care about Mikoto any more and harms himself out of both previously established coping mechanisms and spite?

It’s hard to tell here, as John is one of those characters who it’s very hard to predict what would happen next so who knows what he might do. I just believe this may be the most likely based off things that have been implied and established.

And just to address a potential elephant in the room is I highly doubt John would disappear in trial 3. That’s not how it works, and just because Mikoto may not be Guilty any more doesn’t mean he would be relieved from all stress so John definitely would still have his purpose. And I think it’s most likely why John claimed that he would disappear was that he believed Es hated him and wanted him gone, so he claimed that he would disappear if Mikoto were to be voted Innocent as a way to sway Es to that verdict. And there are lines such as “I’ll play dead even if I’m alive right?” And “can’t get rid of me now” that definitely imply that he will stay or perhaps pretend to go dormant which perhaps would be interesting as we’ve seen him masking as Mikoto in the minigrams before so it would be interesting if he does that in trial 3 perhaps. And side note even though this is kinda cheating theory wise but it would be stupid to remove John from the story like that so uhhh.

#milgram #mikoto kayano #John kayano #john milgram #tw sh #tw self destruction #I just wanna say I’m sorry for bringing up such a dark subject matter like this in a theory sense #It’s just when writing about the darker themes in milgram I always get scared I’ll offend someone by how I talk about it so sorry #But trial 3 is certainly gonna be crazy #This theory is one I’ve had for a while and thus easier to write but I’ve got a lot planned #Like it definitely seems like how in trial 2 kotoko was the main antagonist/one causing conflict and it definitely seems #That in trial 3 amane will fufill that role #Which I mean I am uhh really exited about that because Amane’s my favorite and I love character who fuck up everything #But from everything we’ve seen the whole thing with fuuta and Shidou she’s going to be the one starting the whole chain of events #And there’s definitely a lot of theories on people who could suffer or be injured because of everything #Definitely Haruka but that would be from himself #But from the amane thing potentially Shidou if she or fuuta attacks him #Maybe mahiru if Shidou can’t treat her if she’s injured which could be really bad I’m actually very worried for her #And fuuta if he goes too far deep into the ideology and actually takes off his eyepatch but that’s kinda hard to predict #And as I said it’s definitely likely that mikoto would be hurt but at the hands of “himself” rather #And with kotoko I have absolutely no clue how she would react to the guilty verdict but that unpredictably makes it more exiting #I’ll have to talk about kotoko and the others in a separate theory because it’s so complicated but aughahhan hiatus brain no #And kinda off topic with the mood that I’ve kinda set with this post #But looking and analysing the lyrics of meme and double for this post #I found it pretty funny how John is actually really affectionate when referring to mikoto #Like of course the “snuggle together and say good night” lyric which is funny because how that does not fit John normally but does make sen #And in double he uses words such as basically “welcoming home” mikoto and in those freeze frames whispers of good morning #Which one again is really funny as edgy boy misanthrope John has said almost uwu fanfiction stuff canonically #But it totally makes sense to his character which makes it all the more funnier but kinda fucked up as from what I’ve said in the post #Why am I talking about something funny like this? Maybe I’m just too worried about talking about dark subject matters I’m sorry

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bisexualseraphim · 2 months

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I gotta say, I am seriously fucking concerned with the amount of people here who seem to wholeheartedly believe that the correct answer to the genocide against Palestine is ANOTHER genocide except the other way around. Please stand back for 2 minutes and seriously think about whether you think it’s ever a helpful or just cause to advocate for the deaths of millions of people, especially when plenty of said people are Jews whose families fled there after barely surviving the Holocaust because hardly anywhere else would treat them like human beings or accept them at all since the antisemitism that allowed the Holocaust to happen was not solely in Germany and didn’t magically disappear after the war ended.

Look. The situation is simple when you boil it down to this: Israel is bombing and starving Palestinians like fish in a barrel and doesn’t want to allow aid to Gaza, which consists of a population of over 50% children. Israel allowed the Nakba and displacement of Palestinians for decades and tries to hide it from public view. This is genocide. The Israeli government is at fault for this. Israel holds the power here because they have the power to bomb and starve millions of people and force them out of their homes, and Palestine certainly does not. It’s an utterly horrific, inhumane thing to do with no excuses for it and it needs to stop. This is the simple part that is glaringly obvious for everyone to see and it’s almost laughable for anyone to deny it.

Okay. You’ve successfully identified the main problem and the “bad guy,” if you want to put it in childish simplistic terms. So the question now is: what next? Say Israel agrees to an immediate ceasefire. What do you, impassioned activist on the internet, propose should be done to solve this situation after that? What should be done to free the Israeli hostages? Do you think the UK and the US, two of the most powerful countries in the world who actively help Israel commit its atrocities against Palestine, will ever do anything to help the Palestinians once Israel loses its power, even if better governments are eventually elected? How should the Palestinian land be claimed back? Where should all the Israeli citizens go? Should they all be forced out to Europe and America, even if that isn’t where they originate from, where the already-rife antisemitism has spiked even further since October 7th and Jews who live thousands of miles from Israel and have nothing to do with Israel’s actions face horrific hate crimes every day? Do Israeli children deserve that? Who’s going to pay for their travel and accommodation? Or, should they all be allowed to stay there and live side by side with the Palestinians? Do you think most Palestinians would be happy to remain neighbours with the citizens of the country that has oppressed them so fiercely for over 75 years, even if said citizens didn’t partake in it or in fact opposed it? What about the 20% of Israeli citizens who are Arab or Palestinian? Do you hold the same opinion of foreign settlers in Israel as you do its citizens whom have made a home there for many generations? How do you discern between settlers and “real” Israelis? Do you see any difference between them at all? Why? And what should be done about Hamas, the group that openly calls for the genocide of all Jews around the world and commits war crimes against Israeli citizens? How much of the history behind Israel’s occupation of Palestine are you aware of? Do you think the British government should be held accountable for splitting Palestine in the first place? How would you go about that? Would it be fair to punish the British people for their government’s actions when British citizens didn’t vote for it? How does that compare to your view of Israel and its citizens, and why?

I am absolutely NOT asking trick questions here or trying to “gotcha!” anyone. I am asking these questions precisely BECAUSE they are extremely difficult to answer, with several of them contradicting each other, and they are meant to get an emotional reaction out of you. I certainly don’t know what the “correct” answers to most of those questions are, and that’s exactly my point: there is no simple answer to a problem that has been going on for decades with such a wide, complex history. Historians and political experts who know all the facts and have studied this shit for years don’t know the answer and it’s honestly insulting to all the people suffering to log on every day and see so many people go “actually 😌 I, a random 20-30 something year old on the internet who isn’t even touched by what’s happening in Palestine, have figured it out before everyone else! Just delete an entire country and all its citizens off the map 😊 This is a moral thing to suggest! And if you disagree with me you’re promoting Zionism/terrorism 😘” There are no simple answers and if you think there is one — and especially if you think that answer is to kick citizens out of the country their family has lived in for generations — then you are both wilfully ignorant and evidently fuelled more by hatred than an actual desire for peace and an end to death and oppression and I don’t believe there is a crumb of sincerity in your activism.

Am I naive enough to think that fighting against oppression and occupation is always going to be peaceful? Obviously not. But you’ve got to think about where and when said violence is actually going to be beneficial, and where and when it’s violence purely for the sake of violence, which is NEVER justified. You can’t advocate for human rights and then turn around and say “oh, but not for you.” EVERYONE deserves food and water. EVERYONE deserves shelter. EVERYONE deserves to receive treatment for sickness or injury. NOBODY deserves cruel and unusual punishment or torture. And EVERYONE deserves to be alive. Those are essential human rights that should never, ever be denied wherever it is possible to give them, and disagreeing with that reflects extremely poorly on you and your principles. Think about what narrative you are pushing when you claim an entire people “deserves” bad things. The constant dehumanisation I see happening in online activism (and far too often in real life too) is actually terrifying and if you want to do some real good in the world, I need everyone reading this to examine their potential internal prejudices, even the ones you don’t think you have, and think about who exactly you’re helping when you express thoughts that perpetuate them, and who you may be harming in the process.

Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…

Here are some useful resources if you want to make a difference and help people:

Standing Together (an Israeli movement advocating for ceasefire and peace between Israelis and Palestinians)

Zochrot (an Instagram page that seeks to educate the public about the Nakba)

Parents’ Circle (an organisation run by relatives of Israelis and Palestinians killed in the conflict who advocate for peace)

Operation Olive Branch (a Google Doc of Palestinian families seeking evacuation)

Mesarvot Network (an Instagram page run by young Israelis seeking to refuse the IDF draft and end military violence committed by both Hamas and the IDF)

Other Gaza aid organisations to donate to

#I’ve kept this in for too long I had to say something #I wonder if anyone will call me a Zionist for saying that Israelis are people who don’t deserve death #Despite the fact I’ve been spreading awareness for the Palestinians all this time #Tumblr activists when you don’t advocate for human suffering: 😡😡😡#Tumblr activists when you don’t treat a genocide like a sports game: 😡😡😡#Tumblr activists when you think death is bad: 😡😡😡#Tumblr activists when a Jewish person exists: 😡😡😡#I’m not Jewish but if I was I would likely be too scared to post this oop #Do you know how many Jewish mutuals I have who advocate for Palestine to be free #But they receive antisemitic abuse and get called Zionists for not wanting Israelis to die #I’ve been too scared to say all this for a while tbh #But if people have a problem with me saying ‘I want as little suffering to anyone to happen as possible’#Then are those really people I want around me?#Oh fuck British politicians for supporting genocide btw #free palestine #free gaza #gaza aid #palestine resources #israel palestine conflict #i/p #genocide #ethnic cleansing #human rights #antisemitism #islamophobia #holocaust #activism #fuck the tories #fuck labour #long post

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skoulsons · 11 months

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“Ellie?”

She had kept herself closed off most of the day, doing as much as skipping meals, not sketching, and declining their routine movie night.

Joel turned the knob, opening the door only slightly. “Ellie?”

“What?” She bit. She was around the corner, still in bed.

He bit his cheek. “Can I come in?”

She sniffled, a mumbled yeah from around the corner to let him know it was okay. He entered, keeping the door somewhat open behind him. He found her on her back, covers pulled up to her shoulders as she stared at the ceiling, counting imaginary stars.

The look on her face was a sure sign, as any, that things were not good.

He sat by her feet, the corner of the mattress sinking down as he sat, her feet following suit and lightly falling against his lower back.

“Do you need something?”

Joel inhaled and exhaled. He kept his hands awkwardly in his lap. “I wanted to check up on you.”

“Why? I’m fine,” she grumbled, eyes still glued to the ceiling.

“You sure?”

She wasn’t. She knew she wasn’t fine. Every possible thought about Joel, Tommy, Maria, Riley, Sam, or Henry that wasn’t positive made its way to the forefront of her brain, twisting everything she knew about them. Making her believe things that she was sure weren’t true. Convincing her of truths that were hard to shake.

Everything is still so new to them. Young and needing navigation and direction. Their relationship and being together now, no plan in sight of leaving or disregarding the other.

She has someone in her life now who cares about her. Who has cared about her for over a year. Someone who dedicates every single day to being present. Who always makes breakfast for the two of them. Someone who holds her when she cries and who lifts her up even higher when she’s happy. Who carries her to bed when she needs it and finds her new comics when he’s outside the walls. Who protects her at every moment and encourages her to eat and shower when she struggles.

Someone who loves her.

And that revelation is what makes these days even harder.

“Hey…” he nudged, turning his body slightly more towards her. “What’s goin’ on, baby?”

Ellie sighed, closing her eyes tightly, waves of colors forming in the black of her vision the harder she squeezed. She opened them, her eyesight wavering as tears pooled at her eyelids. The imaginary stars on the ceiling kept her gaze, still avoiding Joel’s concern.

“Today just… hasn’t been good.”

And while he knew it, hearing it from her still hurts to know. Whatever happened, it hurts to know she’s struggling.

“I think it’s been little worse than hasn’t been good.” It felt inappropriate to point out her near crying and the tight-lipped expression on her face in an attempt to keep her emotions at bay.

“I’m just… having fucked up thoughts,” she sighed, tracing all the constellations she knew into the white of the ceiling.

Joel didn’t say anything. In all honesty, he didn’t know what to say.

Neither of them were the best at talking. Sharing something that pissed them off, frustrated them, or upset them and navigating that conversation in a healthy manner always felt like forcefully pulling teeth before they ever broke the surface of the gums.

Joel hopes his silence is an invitation for her to continue. He wants to help, to walk through what bothering her with her.

“I…,” she started, choking slightly on the syllable. “I feel like people don’t care. They don’t care, they don’t…love.”

Joel tilted his head to the side, eyeing her avoidant gaze.

Ellie brought her hand up and wiped it across her right temple. Her voice wavered, her lip quivering as she spoke, “me.”

Joel had an inclination, but hearing it still hurt all the same.

“I feel like people…” she paused, sniffled heavily. She lazily raised her arm off the bed in his direction, “you… don’t.”

Frustrated, Ellie sat up, her back making content with the headboard harder than she intended. She locked eyes with him momentarily before avoiding his gaze again, fixing hers around the room. Her dresser, a heap of clothes on the floor, her blinds, and the open door.

She stopped keeping her head upright and let the crown of her head fall back, banging against the headboard. She sighed, a wet, embarrassing laugh escaping her. “I… I know. I know you do. I do. But sometimes, I just… get convinced you don’t.”

She fiddles with her hands in her lap as her tears threaten to spill over, Ellie massaging her fingers and cracking her knuckles, even with nothing left to crack. She picks at her cuticles and nails uncomfortably, clearing her throat to get rid of the tight burning that has coated it.

“What convinces you?” Joel asked, his eyes looking twenty years younger—like he’s talking to someone else entirely. Like he’s held a similar conversation before.

His question stumps her.

And she realizes it’s nothing. Nothing has ever convinced her. Nothing could convince her that Joel doesn’t care about her. Nothing could ever truly convince her that Joel doesn’t love her.

He may get frustrated over something. He may be extra tired some days. He may spend a little more strength some days fighting his own demons that it’s hard to be there 100% for her.

But those things don’t mean he doesn’t love her. They don’t mean he wouldn’t lay down his life for her at any given moment. They don’t mean he doesn’t look at her with anything less than adoration, devotion, and appreciation for who she is. Who she is and what she has come to mean to him.

“Have I ever done anything-“

She cut him off. “No. No, no. Fuck no, never.” She threw the crown of her against the headboard again, a few tears spilling down the side of her face and flowing along her jawline. She hastily wiped them away, clearing her throat.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess I… don’t think I deserve it or something. So I look at you or Tommy or I… I remember Riley or Sam or anyone else and I… I think they don’t—didn’t care.”

She knows they do. Riley—she knows. Sam she knows. Henry, too. Tommy and Maria—she knows. Joel—he she knows better than any of the others.

“I remember them or I…” she brought her head down from her gaze on the ceiling and looked at him, clearly, for the first time. “I look at you and I wonder why.”

She cries. Her lips pressed together, not enough breath in her lungs to combat the tears falling down her face and slipping down her neck, soaking the collar of her shirt. She wipes and wipes and wipes until her tear-soaked hands can’t catch anymore and they flow freely. She dries her hands on her sheets and it’s still not enough to catch every single one.

Joel moves quickly, his right hand lightly on her shin as he reaches his left out towards her, keeping it held right above her lap for her to feel.

She can barely see, and yet she reaches out, knowing he’s there. Trusting he’s there.

She grabs his left hand with her right, holding it until her knuckles turn white and it hurts. Until it stings and her fingers go numb. Until her hand shakes and the blood flow is cut off from her fingertips.

He moves his right hand from her shin to press a fist into the mattress on the other side of her, scooting himself closer to her. He settles closer to her, bringing his right hand up her shoulder and eventually finding its home on her cheek. He strokes his thumb across it, more tears falling as she leans into it. She turns her head into it, her lips in his palm as he continues wiping her tears.

He pulls his hand back from her face and brings it to her other cheek, sliding his knuckles across to clear the streaks of tears. He returns his hand back to her other cheek, lightly scratching at the roots of her hair on the back of her neck.

Ellie grabs the collar of her shirt with her left hand, wiping the snot from her nose and using any drier part of her shirt to dry her neck and chin.

Joel lifts his left hand to bring up to her face, but a mumbled, snotty no keeps it in her lap, Ellie still clutching it.

She continues to sniffle, finally opening her eyes to see Joel looking back at her, a streak down the left side of his face, right by his ear.

“I’m sorry,” she says, quickly averting her gaze from his.

He smiles slightly, rubbing those all-comforting circles with his thumb over hand. He brings his hand up from her cheek as she closes her eyes, using two fingers to drag hairs down her forehead and tuck them behind her ear.

They didn’t need to be tucked away—but the affection always comforts her.

She takes his right hand in her left, bringing it down into her lap next to their other hands. She watches their hands intently as she rubs circles on his with her right hand and he rubs circles on hers with his right.

“Hey,” he whispers, trying to get her attention. It does, and she looks up at him. The tug on the corner of his lips reaches his eyes. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“No it’s… it’s stupid. I shouldn’t be crying over something I know isn’t true…”

“You know it’s not true?”

She inhales a shaky breath and exhales one just as heavy. She focuses on it, keeping any other tears down as best she can through controlled breathing.

“Yeah. Yeah I… I know.” She pauses for another breath. “But sometimes it’s… fucking difficult. I don’t…” she hesitates, shaking slightly, “I don’t want to look at you and wonder why.”

She chokes, wiping her cheek on the shoulder of her shirt. She feels her back against the headboard and adjusts slightly, rolling her shoulder blades over it.

She looks up at him. His eyes still hold that twenty-year-old look. They glisten because of the tears gathered in them, and the loving smile that hasn’t quite reached his lips has already hit his eyes.

“I’ll remind you. Every day, if I have to—if you want me to. Even if you don’t, I might jus’ have to-“

She laughs—giggles—at that. He laughs too, the kind of laugh that resides deep in his chest. The one that sounds better through his rare toothy smile. The laugh she only hears so often. The laugh when he thinks he’s done something right. The almost triumphant laugh when he seems to have cheered her up.

Ellie smiles, watching his own unwavering smile. “You can, if you think about it. I mean, I won’t expect it every day. If you forget some days, it’s fine. I’m not-”

“Ellie.”

“Sorry.”

Joel takes note of her. The dried tears along her cheeks. Her red and puffy eyes. The way her nose is red. The soaked collar of her shirt.

He doesn’t want to see her like this again. Not over thoughts like this.

“Will reminding you help? You know… keep thoughts like this away?”

She opens her mouth to speak, but it hits her that she doesn’t know. She’s never been positively reminded, certainly not daily, that someone cares for and loves her. No one’s been constant enough to tell her the truths she missed out on as a child. No one’s stuck around long enough for them to mean anything. No one has ever loved her enough to say them and mean them. Nothing other than doubt, hesitation, or reluctance has followed such reminders.

“I don’t know. I think, I… I hope. I don’t know, I’ve… never had someone who did something like that.”

He doesn’t frown at the thought, but his smile fades. Sadness, disbelief at the thought, the truth that she’d never had this before. “Well… we can try it out. You can tell me if you hate it ‘n we can try something’ else.” He smiled again as he rubbed more circles along her hands. “Sound fair?”

She smiles, tears welling at her eyes again. One spills over, Ellie fervently nodding in response to Joel’s question before too many more tears follow.

He lets go of her left hand and opens his arm up, welcoming her in. She scoots into him, tucking her body against him. She lets her legs freely fall into his as she leans against his body, his right arm coming across her back and holding her shoulder tightly. She keeps her face hidden away as best she can in the crook of his neck and shoulder. Her right hand finds the bottom of his shirt, rubbing the fabric back and forth between her fingers.

Joel kisses her head, leaving his lips pressed into her hair briefly. “I just… I don’t want this to become something you know is true. Cause it ain’t.”

“It won’t. I… I know it’s not true.”

He kisses her head again, a muffled good reverberating through her. He rubs her upper arm a few times.

“Come here,” he says, letting go of her shoulder and standing up.

She smiles shyly, standing up and wasting no time to hold on to him, her arms wrapping around his middle and settling behind his back. She rests her ear right over his heart, the thump-thump drowning the world out. Drowning her thoughts. Her feet stand in between his, Ellie attempting to get as close to him as she can.

Joel, just like every time before and every time to come after, keeps a steady hand across her back and one behind her head, carefully threading his fingers through her hair. He tilts his head down, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.

He sways them gently, covering her back in hand-drawn lines, circles, and a myriad of other shapes. “This is your first reminder.”

She giggles at that.

Something bubbles in her chest. A fire. Butterflies—as cheesy as she thinks that is—it fits. It tickles, in a way. It reaches her finger tips and warms her skin. It helps her breathe easier and keeps her heartbeat beat in rhythm with his. It slows her thoughts and relaxes her shoulder. It lets her relax completely against his embrace.

The reminder is there. The reminder of his care and protection, no matter what. The reminder of the steadfast, uncompromising, sacrificial love that he has for her.

#this is uh #incredibly personal #probably the most personal thing I’ve posted #I’ve never personally been comforted like this #but the way Ellie feels is how I do #pretty much every single day #and it’s not like it’s ever been made evident to those in my life #especially my family #so I’ve never been comforted over it and it still haunts me into adulthood #and I’ve had. not the best past few #weeks? just a lot of thinking and dilemmas and a lot of things and it’s been kind of emotionally and mentally draining #and then my period started and #just about every single thing today has gone bad so #I’ve been crying a while. I just don’t feel well currently and more or less projected #this like 2400 words but it probably won’t go on ao3 bc of how personal it can be to me?#I don’t know I’ll have a real fic out in a few days #anyway sorry this is probably heavy #L writes

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