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qvid-pro-qvo · 3 years

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vi. the call.

ocean’s eleven au. for funsies. aaron hotchner x female!reader. george foyet x female!reader..

word count: 1311

rating: e for everyone, because even the best of us have felt the sting of betrayal (no trigger warning. some slight violence in the beginning).

i. // ii. // iii. // iv. // v. // vi. // vii.

aaron feels the fist connect with his stomach just as the door to his holding room flies open.

he coughs, shaking his head, even though there’s nothing to clear. he can see shiny leather shoes in the corner of his eye, ahead of two pairs of boots, but gives himself a moment to catch some air before saying anything.

“foyet,” he mutters. swallows. clears his throat, so it can echo in the room. “george. how was the match?”

he doesn’t lift up on his own. refuses to, with the pettiest part of himself. if foyet wants to look him in the eye, he’ll need to work for it.

“let’s get up, aaron,” the man says tightly, and aaron has to fight a smirk again as he’s lifted by some extra muscle.

aaron groans with it. some added effect, shakes his head, pops his neck. he looks a mess, he knows, hair usually so carefully styled a mess on his head, something smudged on his cheek, sweat on his brow. but he still looks foyet in the eye, lifts his chin because he can.

“was this you?” foyet asks. he’s standing tall, hands on his hips, and he pushes on his toes as he looks at aaron, to match his height, to really look him in the eye.

“was what me, foyet?” aaron asks, coughing again. catching his breath.

there’s something burning in foyet’s gaze, something dangerous, a challenge that aaron meets with a single raised brow. the man takes a step closer, so that they’re almost nose to nose. “i won’t ask you again, hotch. was this you?”

there’s an answer he’s looking for.

it’s one aaron can’t give.

“foyet,” aaron sighs out, gives his best look of exasperation through his heavy breaths. lifts his hands to gesture to the nearly empty room. to stephen, who’s been beating the snot out of him for a minute or two. “i have no idea what you’re talking about.”

there’s a beat. a pause. george foyet measures up aaron hotchner with a look, and crosses his arms over his chest.

and then he hums.

“all right,” he mutters. still measuring aaron up, still doing his best to read the unreadable. “fine. you didn’t have anything to do with it. so, then. i guess you’re free to go, then.”

the door opens. the hallway is stark. white. bright. aaron winces at it.

“show him out.”

your heels can’t click on carpet. instead, it’s a very light thunk you hear as you pace, your eyes on your hand as you chew lightly on a nail.

watch television. that’s what rossi had said. but something keeps you from flicking the tv on, something makes your hand drop from your mouth and wring in your other one.

oh, god. who are you kidding? you know what the something is. you know who the something is. the same person who kisses your cheek to slide a phone into your pocket.

and george. you’re worried for him. even with the dismissal from before. something is happening, tonight, and you feel your chest tighten at the thought of something happening to both of the men –

no.

the man you care about. so… deeply.

you ignore the way that sentiment barely settles. shake your head. and then the phone rings, and you’re there, lifting the phone to your cheek.

“hello?”

it’s a cheery, bright voice, one who seems to delight in the development. “hello, darling. turn on the tv. channel 88.”

“who is this?” you shoot back. immediately. but just as soon as you say it, you know it’s moot. there’s no one else on the line, and you’re left with a choice.

it’s an easy one. you feel the remote calling to you, and your dress swishes around your ankles as you reach for it, lift it up, press the power button and 8-8 with sure fingers.

the picture is clear, but it’s not a tv show you’ve ever seen. your eyes narrow at the sight, because there, in front of you, are the two men on your mind, a hallway between them.

and all you can do is watch.

“what happened, foyet? someone rob you?”

it’s a taunt. it’s unlike aaron, the way it comes out, confident, cocky. his charisma is a silent one, but foyet doesn’t know him, no matter how much he pretends to in this moment.

“hold it” is what george says, and the two bodyguards stop, arms out to block aaron from going any farther.

on his heel, aaron turns, almost too ready for it. but it doesn’t matter, because that’s not what foyet sees. all foyet sees is his brow lifted on his head, the mild shock on his face from being told to stop so abruptly.

foyet crosses the hallway in long strides. it’s no time at all before the distance is closed again, with him looking up at aaron with that same calculating look.

“so. know something after all?” he asks, and aaron simply blinks. foyet scoffs at the look, but shakes his head. “one more chance, hotchner. did you have something to do with it?”

aaron lets his tiny smirk play this time, pairs it with narrowed eyes. “i could get you your money back. if that’s what you’re asking.”

he’s caught. foyet smiles, puts his hands on his hips.

“and if it is?”

“then you know the price.”

it’s left like that. in the air. because however much foyet thinks he knows, aaron gives it to him on a silver platter.

“your old flame,” foyet purrs, and the sound is nauseating. but aaron perseveres.

“what would you say? if that was the offer?”

there’s barely any hesitation. foyet just smiles.

“i’d say yes.”

it hits you like cold water, poured over your head. it soaks you, from head to toe, and you’re let almost gasping at it, a little opened mouthed as you stare at the television screen.

the offer had felt ridiculous. you’d almost scoffed at it, shaken your head, but george – he hadn’t blinked.

he hadn’t hesitated.

he’s still standing there, after all. entertaining it. a smile that you’ve seen before, the smile he gets when he thinks he’s won. it makes your stomach churn, and you’re moving without thinking, without needing to think.

you grab your clutch. you put on your coat. you straighten and stand tall. and your steps carry you out the door, even as you hear aaron’s voice drone on, as you hear george’s sharp reply. it’s not real words to you, just background noise, as your heels finally get tile to click on, the elevator as you press the button down, down, down.

it’s aaron. it has to be. all of it, every last minute of it. but it doesn’t matter, in that moment. nothing else does but getting out of there.

the first floor arrives with a flourish, a gentle voice telling you so. the doors slide open, with ease, and your gaze lifts from your painted toe nails to the sight of george standing before you. he looks murderous, looks furious, and your presence only dims it somewhat. but he seems to get that your eyes don’t warm when you look at him, that you hand on your clutch tightens in a white-knuckled grip.

you feel weak, almost for a moment. but then you see something like realization on his face, something like recognition of the absolute shit he said, and it’s oh, so easy to stalk past him.

he says your name. once, twice. intense, urging, but you only turn to meet his eyes, to give him a smirk that shows your teeth.

“you always tell me that in your hotel, someone’s always watching.” you can’t help your little empty laugh, the way you shake your head and turn away. “why did you think you’d be the exception, george?”

tag list: @crazyshannonigans // @quillvine // @hurricanejjareau // @winterscaptain // @writefasttalkevenfaster // @ssaic-jareau // @altsvu // @tamarastevie // @megans-txmblr // @anotherspencerreidblog // @mijop // @1234-angelika // @kelstark // @nuvoleincielo // @wanniiieeee // @arianmock13-blog // @averyhotchner // @barbasbodaciousbeard // @xxlovingfandomsxx

want to be tagged when i post a new fic? here’s the form!

#my fic #ocean's eleven au #george foyet x reader #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner #george foyet #female!reader #criminal minds #ocean's eleven

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e-uph0r1a · 3 years

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check in tag ✨

i was tagged by Dorothy @greatbigstorm 💜

1. Why did you choose your url? i was looking for something bts related and i tried a bunch of names based on other songs i like but that day for some reason couldn't stop singing Euphoria and that was it lol

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them? i don't

3. How long have you been on tumblr? since 2010 maybe

4. Do you have a queue tag? no, im always here lol tho i like posts i wanna reblog after

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place? this one? well i used to have my first blog and so much happened there that one day i've decided to delete it and have a fresh start, without the people of the old blog, like i don't want anyone to find me lol

6. Why did you choose your icon? im YoonJin biased so hehe also @taemaknae made it for me and i love it so much💜

7. Why did you choose your header? ot7 bitch, always them💜

8. What’s your post with the most notes? a meme i've made i guess? i think the one when BE was released and i was listening to Skit and immediately i was thinking when Jin said "i don't know what he said but let's laugh", so i made that meme lol

9. How many mutuals do you have? the right amount

10. How many followers do you have? 196

11. How many people do you follow? 740 lmao

12. Have you ever made a shitpost? constantly, my blog is shitpost itself

13. How often do you use Tumblr each day? all the time

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won? i used to be friends with someone until we realized we weren't compatible so it was better to stop talking to each other. i don't like confrontation, specially with people behind a screen.

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts? i dont give a fuck

16. Do you like tag games? love them, they make me feel special lmao

17. Do you like ask games? loooove them too, i have so much fun when people do it.

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous? Nikki @baepsaesbae 💜

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual? idk ask @jin7moon yeah i do, we're friends and i like her but we live in different provinces

20. Tags? come on moots🔥 @jin7moon @baepsaesbae @blueside-hobi @maybebi47 @so-i-switch-off @tinyhope @hazeltae @shrimpmsg @yglesbian @xyoongi @shelikesperfume @rainbepourin

#about me #tag game

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generallybarzy · 3 years

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1 Year

January 22nd, 2020. That was the date it all started.

Now, it’s been a year.

(Sorry, you don't get a read more, this is too important)

I started this blog last year, after attending a local hockey game that we get to see every year and realizing how much more I was into it than my other friends there. I went home, logged onto my other tumblr account, and started looking through random hockey tags from my [redacted] blog (y'all don't gotta know the fandoms I was into haha). For a week or so, I lurked. I saw bits and pieces of the all star game, of some of the games that were being played, but I was too scared to interact with anyone because I was joining the community so "late". I wasn't late to anything, its not like hockey is a new thing or something with a time limit, but it felt like I was behind. I wasn't a lifelong fan like some people I saw post about it, I didn't even understand what people were talking about. But I saw the game, eventually saw the cute players everyone loves, and got excited. I finally decided to make this blog, wanting to make some new friends in the hockey community. I kinda floated around hockeyblr for a while, rebloggong a few things quietly but not interacting too much because i didn't feel like i could, until my school closed down in March. After that, I turned to writing- specifically for barzy, who I had just learned about on this site. And with that writing, that very first fic that I tagged bigger writers in, trying to get some recognition, I started to gain followers. And friends.

Since i started, my followers on here have traveled with me through life. Literally. I got my drivers license, i embarrassed myself with that guy at the beach, got my first job, started (and hopefully soon finished) my senior year of highschool, and got accepted into my dream college. I didn't have online friends before this, so when I stopped be able to see my irl friends irl, you guys became just as necessary as them. We've been through highs and lows together, both irl, personally, and in this community, but honestly, i still love it here. I couldn’t be more thankful for all of you, the old and the new. I genuinely wouldn’t have been able to get through the past year if it weren’t for this place.

I have a whole appreciation post but some of the people who either ARE constantly in my messages or had been in the past but we haven't talked in a bit, all of these people helped me along the way. @matbaerzal (one of the very first writers who followed me on here, wow. The 10th person out of 1000 to follow me. I adore all of your stuff and look up to you so much) , @mbarzals (I think I convinced you to post your first fic, and I wrote all of Opportunities just for you, but we haven't really talked a lot in a while), @thirteenisles (mom! Helping me out a bunch, especially when I was way smaller on here and didn't have many friends, and we haven't talked in a bit and I'm so sorry), @d-cozens (has always been a solid reader, I remember you under a different user haha I've been seeing you in my notifications for the longest time), @fallinallincurls (we always talk the best concepts!!!!! I always come to you about fics!!!! In the long run, we just started talking a bit ago but you're like the sweetest person ever and I'm so happy we're moots), @softboybarzal (I can't even begin to describe how much you've helped. I'm serious. Thank you so much. Not to mention the amazing things we talk about, always making me so soft), @folkloreflyers (tk and nolan, we have the matching jerseys what can I say. We also come up with some of the best ideas), @barzzal (I deadass look up to you so much, your theme and content is god tier thank you for helping me with my header. I hope we can talk more smt), @dembenchboys (omg baby. Baby. Your messages mean so much to me and I literally light up whenever I see them. We literally don't deserve you. You're too pure and amazing for this world. An angel. I think I've forget to respond to you a few times and I feel so bad but I love you so much don't forget it!!!!!!), @canadianheaters (why do we always have the strangest conversations like idk what here but there's some cursed energy baaagghschhd anyway we come up with the best shit together like monkey suit mat), 🥔 anon, 💙 anon, 😌 anon, 🖤 anon, BLUE SHORTS ANON (I REMEMBER YOU WHERE ARE YOU) and all you other lovely followers i have who have been so supportive over the past year 💕💕💕

Now that all that sappy stuff is out of the way, here's what we'll be doing today to celebrate!

Send in your stories on how you came to find my blog and what made you stay!! Or just any stories you have about here

Request little hcs not about mat and s/o in scenarios but about small things like "does mat like coffee or tea?" or about what cute habits he might have. I feel like we don't discuss about my hc version of him enough

Also, respond to other anons and send your own hcs!!!!

The final thing is that I will be taking requests for short, personalized blurbs where you send me a prompt, a name, and stuff about yourself and I write YOU and mat instead of reader and mat.. I'll make another post about it when I'm ready to do those, probably around 2pm est.

Once again, lemme just drill it into your heads how happy I am to have all you guys, and how proud I am of where this blog has come to in a year. I couldn't have done it without any of you.💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

#the anniversary #op #😌 anon

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minisugakoobies · 3 years

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Check-in tag

Tagged by @tinyhope 🤗

1. Why did you choose your URL? I just "discovered" BTS during the quarantine last year, then quickly fell down a tumblr rabbit hole. I decided to start a tumblr dedicated solely to my new obsession, and for my URL wanted to reference one of my favorite bits of BTS lore, the nickname they gave themselves in Bon Voyage season 2. Sometimes I think about changing it, though.

2. Any sideblogs? Not for BTS, but I have an old main account I haven't touched in a long time, and then another one where I used to publish MCU fanfic. Maybe someday I'll share that URL. I haven't written anything for that fandom in a few years.

3. How long have you been on tumblr? I predate dashcon.

4. Do you have a queue tag? Nope. You can always tell I'm active by the sudden glut of reblogs.

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place? Honestly, a combo of wanting to catalogue the amazing content I was finding and wanting to give creators likes/reblogs to show my appreciation. I have been writing some BTS fanfic. I haven't decided if I'll post it here or create a sideblog for it, if I post it at all.

6. Why did you choose your icon? Yoongi's my bias. I change my icon on the regular, anytime I see a new pic that I think would look good.

7. Why did you choose your header? It's such a great photo of these seven handsome gentlemen who have completely turned my world upside-down.

8. What's your post with the most notes? My blog is mainly reblogs so far. I don't think I have any original posts that got any notes? Not sure.

9. How many mutuals do you have? Just 8. I'm shy. 🤗Most of my interactions have been in anon mode.

10. How many followers do you have?

Only 10, 8 moots, 1 bot and 1 that I'm not sure about. Again. Shy. Mostly reblogs.

11. How many people do you follow? 66 and counting.

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

The argument could be made that all my posts are shit? 🤡Not that it stops me!

13. How often do you use Tumblr each day?

Uh, probably too often? I get distracted at work very easily.

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

Nope. I've pretty much stayed out of any tumblr drama.

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

If there's something I come across that I think is important or related to a cause I believe in, I'll reblog it.

16. Do you like tag games? I'm always game. Contrary to what they say on every reality show, I *did* come here to make friends. (And to bask in the glory that is BTS!)

17. Do you like ask games? Haven't really done any, but my inbox is always open for asks.

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

I don't know much about who is considered famous in this fandom! I just know that I love their blogs.

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual? My heart is completely taken by one Min Yoongi.

20. Tags? Please let me know if you prefer not to be tagged in tag games & I won't do it again! @mindofnmn @insert-random-stuff-here @triviafics-main @thisthatsworld @fullboylepen @xjoonchildx @wait-this-isnt-itunes

#tag game #check-in

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seijch · 3 years

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ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

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many-gay-magpies · 3 years

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i got tagged by @mari-kigold!! this was so much fun, thank u for the tag artzyy <3

1. why did you choose your url?

very simple actually. it was gay-jesus-official for the longest time but i needed a change of pace, SO here we are! im gay, i like birds, and my name is magpie—hence, many gay magpies.

(more under the cut)

2. any side blogs? if you have them name them and why you have them.

i have three but in only really use one of them sjfhdffgfgc

@bambihee, for moodboards! (it's mainly enhypen-centric at the moment, as is my main)

the other two are old blogs from back when i was in the koc. one of them was my koc "main" that is 99% dead, and the literal only reason i havent deactivated yet is because of the past messages with a close moot that i dont want to lose ;-; the other is a koc rant blog-turned-normal rant blog that i havent used in weeks, honestly i dont know why im keeping it. attachment? pretty jeonghan layout? who knows. anyways im not tagging either of them because theyre both dead af and there would be literally no point <3

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

hold on uhhhh *sounds of a gay doing math* i think like 19 or 20 months? cuz i joined in october of 2019

4. do you have a queue tag?

i barely use the queue BUT since i recently started making moodboards i have a tag for when i promote stuff from my moodboard blog which is just q: bambihee

but other than that no

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

i'd been kind of wanting to do it for a while cuz i kept seeing screenshots of tumblr posts on pinterest and it seemed gloriously chaotic (it is), but what really made me take the ✨deep dive✨ was me wanting to see what the kpop, particularly stray kids, fandom was like on tumblr

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

it's a picture of heeseung because i'm whipped for him and it's this PARTICULAR picture of heeseung because he just looks so soft in it :(( like seriously his eyes are so big and beautiful

7. why did you choose your header?

i don't have a header at the moment, BUT my last header was a screenshot of heeseung from the fever mv which i don't think requires an explanation <3

8. what's your post with the most notes?

i don't know for certain, but im guessing its the one onlyoneof post i made about the members' reactions to wooksung's ✨move✨ in the libidO dance practice

9. how many mutuals do you have?

i havent counted and i dont really care to to be honest

10. how many followers do you have?

325

11. how many people do you follow?

350

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

what, really, is the criteria for a shitpost? what is "shitposting"? what is our purpose in life?

(the answer is yes)

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

ahahAHA

hAHA

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

if i ever end up fighting somebody, even just over tumblr, i will probably cry, have a panic attack, or both. i would rather walk into a tree than engage in conflict with a person.

i did disappoint someone once and frankly i think that was just as bad

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

i do not like them. i used to reblog like every one i saw because i was always like "but what if", but i have since decided that i will not be giving a fuck. i reblog your post when i want to, thank you very much, i dont care if madame zeroni or whoever the fuck curses me for all eternity, that shit is an unnecessary stressor for already plenty-stressed human beings and has no place on my blog

16. do you like tag games?

yes!! not that you'd know it from how little i actually participate in them svfhfhfgdg

i appreciate you tagging me very much i am just forgetful and stressed :<

17. do you like ask games?

ALSO yes! tho i dont get them that often tbh

the ones that are like 'mutuals send this emoji in an ask to see what your mutual thinks of you!' lowkey stress me out because im afraid i wont know what to say ghdhghvh (it doesn't stop me from doing them tho <3)

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

uh. none of them? i dont know

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

nope, and i never have <3 (not a serious CRUSH-crush, anyway)

20. tags?

im gonna tag @ateezaligned @baby-dinobean @markismybxtch @sunghoonseyebrowcult and anyone else who wants to do this! you don't have to if you don't want to ofc ^^

#tag games #artzyy 🎨#oh wow im actually answering a tag game for once how fun is that

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escapedchickens · 5 years

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The Soapiest Moment

A prompt I wrote for @gavimp and I thought it would be fun to add here since it relates to the light side of the AU. The above picture is from me, while the other is from her. This is also the last DBH related post of this blog, as future ones will be on the side blog @yorkshire-androids-au

The Soapiest Moment Ever

By Canuck

Today is Sunday, and it is Babs’ turn to wash the bathroom. Willard tidied up the washroom out of habit, but drops it when he sees Melisha walking by the Hallways with an AX 0017 model. He looks back at the washroom before fetching Babs from the living room. The android waits patiently at the living, eyeing her little knitting projects. Humming a positive tune and looking around in a flighty look before seeing Willard approaching her. “Morning Willard, did you and the Missus have a good breakfast?”

“That I did, Babs. Are you ready for today’s chores?”

“Oh, I am more than ready, Willard,” She says happily as she stuffs the knitting project in her apron and picks up a basket of cleaning supplies. “What area am I cleaning first?”

“You will do the East wing today; it comprises one of our Bathrooms, the guest room, the den and reading area. If you can start with the bathroom, that will be ideal. You think you can be alright cleaning it?”

“Of course, that is what I am programmed to do: sweep here, wipe there, just making sure the house is a home.”

Willard nods as he guides her to the washroom. The washroom is not too messy, as he tidied up a bit earlier today, but he cannot help but feel guilty for leaving it in a state. “Some places could have been better but a little help would do. Perhaps you would like some help as well?”

Babs bobs her head to the side and enters. “Oh no thank you, I am sure I can get it done soon. What is life without a little challenge? I will let you know if I need something.”

“Of course, I’ll let you to it.” Willard nods and continues on the rest of the East wing of the mansion. Out of habit, he picks up any bit of papers lying around and place them in a bag for recycling. Next, he goes to the broom closet and neatly set the vacuum at the corner of the den, and a broom and dustbin at the reading area. It should be enough to make cleaning a little easier. He more or less feel accomplished at his part of the task, as he feels more involved in his androids tasks than just doing nothing. He hears a high-pitched yelp from the bathroom and runs to the room. Here, he sees Babs’ frilly dress sticking out from the edge of the tub while her feet are kicking up in the air.

Willard leans over to grab Babs by the hand and pulls her to her feet. He feels a slight slip under the floor and grabs onto the counter. Babs looks down and up at Willard, already with an apologetic look.

“Oh, I am sorry, Willard,” says the android. “I thought I was done with the bathroom until I noticed the grimy ring around it. It would be wrong to leave it. I really tried to scrub, but the thing is just so stubborn. I may have used more soap and chemicals than intended.”

Willard shakes his head and pats her hand “No worries, love, you were simply doing your job. The bathtub can be hard to keep nice and polished. But don’t fret, I could barely see it, you did quite well in the bathroom.”

“You think so?”

“I know so, Babs,” Willard place some paper towels on the floor and guides the AX 0017 model to the hallway. He picks them up and place them in the trash. “There you go, all clean. Now, how about we go to the next room?”

“I like that.” Babs goes to the corner of the den starts the vacuum. Willard watches the bot cleans with ease, taking up all the little bits of specks to her vacuum in one setting and turns off to empty the filter into the trash bag. She places the filter back to the vacuum and sweeps off the remaining dust with a small brush. From the shelves, to the floor. She notices Willard chuckling and gets up with a smile, laughing along with him. “What is it, Willard?”

“It’s just, seeing the soapy floor all over reminded me of something I did with Jack and myself.”

“Oh, what thing?” She picks up the trash and recycling bin to the next room. “Did he get clumsy with cleaning too?”

Willard laughs and picks up one bin. “Not really, but a lot of cleaning was involved, I’ll tell you while you clean the next room.”

“Sure thing!” Babs replies in a chipper tone. She enters the reading area and sweeps the floor. Willard smiles and grabs a cloth the wipe the shelves. “Soap on the floor reminds me of a time Jack and I attempt to do this silly thing with bath bombs.”

“Bath bombs? Oh, those little ball thingies that dissolves and makes the bathtub all colourful?”

“Yes, yes, those things. When Jack was around, he and I were getting into those things and enjoy watching them dissolve whenever we have some bath time. It feels like watching art in the bathtub. We were so into them, that we had the bright idea to see what happens if we release them all at once.” “All at once?” Babs pauses and looks at Willard in confusion, tilting her head to her right. “Won’t it make the bathtub messier than a faint ring?”

“Yes, I know, I know, but we let fun got in the way of common sense. That is not the craziest part though….”

The date was, June 28, 2027

We have a big box of bath bombs around the bathroom, and being silly young lads, we thought it would be interesting to see what happens if we have them dissolve all at once?

We had the water running to fill in the tub while Jack strips off his shirt and playfully shows off himself into black trunks before getting into the tub. He sinks in, taking into the warm water of the bathtub, when he looks up to me and asks: “Are you getting in, Willard? The water is nice.”

“No thanks, Jack. Someone has to be the dry party.” I laughed, watching him relax at the tub. I was wearing some grey trunks and an old t-shirt to keep me warm as we cranked the AC up. Next to Jack was a box full of colourful bath bombs, letting off a strong scent that combines flowers and citrus fruit. The scent was overwhelming but a simple wipe of my nose should help with that. Jack was just smiling widely, waiting for the time to spill in the bathtub. He was way too happy for this experiment. I turned on the camera and pressed record.

“Afternoon world, and family. I am Jack Tweedy and this is my brother, Willard Tweedy holding the camera. Say hello, Willard.”

I turned the camera to the mirror so I can see myself waving hello to it. I turn back to see Jack sitting up and holding the box already.

“We are going to do a small test on what happens if we place hundreds upon hundreds of bath bombs all at once. Before that, I should let you know that we have taken precautions and prepared our tub. Why don’t you show everyone what we did?”

“We place lots of towels and bath mats around the tub, we made sure no wires were around and no holes. The caulk is very secure so no worries about leaks and mold. And more towels in case it got out of hand.”

“That’s right, Willard, safety is first.” Jack sits up and rattles the first box over his head. “Are you ready, Willard?”

“More than ready!”

“Last call to get in with me.”

I pondered for a bit, wondering if I should. I want to get a good shot of our first experience with this. It sounds silly to overthink this, but we are less likely to do this again. I have the camera sitting on the counter where I know it won’t fall on to the possibly wet floor and gently get inside the tub. The water became lukewarm, but it was a good temperature for me to get in. Having him in the tub certainly helps. We both counted down to the three and watch him pour all the bath bombs in the water.

It went as well as it imagined. All the bath bombs diffused, and it became a colourful bomb in the water. It was pretty to see all the colours spread out like a mosaic, hear that satisfying hiss of the balls getting smaller and smaller. It was fun to watch… for a while. Before then, we noticed that the bathtub was starting to flood the bathroom. Watching the foamy colours spill over the tub went from beautiful to surreal real quick. We anticipated the washroom floor getting wet, so we have some towels on the floor to soak up the water. But we did not intend for the water to over soak the towels to the point where it looks like the whole area is soaked. Next thing we knew, we watched the carpets getting soaked with water and rainbow foam. We grabbed all the dish rags, towels, and paper rolls available to stop it from getting all over the halls. But alas, it was moot, and we found ourselves in a soapy situation. The whole carpet was just soaked, it was squishing underneath us. But that is not the crazy part.

We go downstairs and see tiny drips going to the living room. They may be tiny but we will not risk having those little holes get any bigger so we have to grab any available container and get cleaning. We wiped them out as fast as possible while the bath drains. It took only two hours, but it felt like it took all day. Nonetheless, we had a good workout getting the place dry and a laugh about it. As for the holes, I did not want to risk getting mold in between the cracks, so we called a professional to help us out. As long as we don’t overflow the bath again, it should be fine. After a two weeks of just showers, we can finally enjoy the tub as we did as lads: relaxing side by side and drinking ciders.

“Aah, so, you can take baths again after you got your floor and ceiling all fixed?” ask Babs, mindlessly knitting away at this whole story.

Willard giggles and feels the soft wool project from his maid. “I do, just not as much. Baths became more like Melisha’s thing. I do enjoy it, it is just not just the same without Jack. We just chill, talk, have cold ones. With Melisha, it is different. Even with wine at our hands, we just sit there and talk about our day like business partners, not a couple. But hey, we worked together to get you this nice farm, right?”

Babs pause her knitting and looks over. Her LED circles yellow and taps her needles against her shins before resuming her work and the LED going back to blue. “Yes, yes, it is. Some things improved but I can’t help shake it off that things can be… different. I like my role and this farm, it's just something about it I can’t think off.”

Willard eyes the android, suspecting of her deviating. He cannot really tell since Babs’ chipper attitude and work ethic is part of her program, but the little things about something not right with them seems off. Perhaps she did deviate but it is not as abrasive as how Ginger or Bunty did. Just how many of his androids deviated? Five, twenty, forty? Maybe more than that. He rubs the bridge of his brow as he hears his wife’s berating him at the idea of them scheming.

“They’re only tools that look like people. They don’t scheme, they don’t organize or form unions. They can’t do anything! All they did is work day in and day out with little to no complaint. Get it to your head, Willard!”

Willard shakes it off and pats Babs’ shoulder, “We’ll see what we can do. If anything, just feel free to let me know. I promise that will take it to consideration and see what we can do. How about you finish the last room and go downstairs, yes?”

“Yes, Willard,” Babs have the farmer lift her hand as she stands up and picks up her cleaning tools to the last room. “You know, those little moments makes the silver lining a little brighter. Like, how the light seems shinier behind a cloud, making it easier to see than if it is just one big sun? Because you can’t look at the sun. It will damage both a human and an android’s eyes. Funny how we keep finding little things that we have in common.”

“I think it’s funny in a cute sort of way. Nothing to brash, right?” Willard hears a text from his phone and looks at it. He sighs and puts it away after a quick text. “Will you be okay doing today’s work by yourself?”

“Yes, Willard.”

“Good, I have to meet with Melisha for a side project. You take care now, okay?”

“You bet, see you later, Willard.” Babs says, waving goodbye, watching Willard going downstairs and out the door. She continues of the last room with her cleaning supplies handy and watches the water turn into a colourful soapy texture, as it reminds her of the story.

#dbh au #prompt #pro knitter #the farmer #the farmer's brother

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bloodyshadow1 · 5 years

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Nature V NatureBlog:ModernAu

So this is my submission for day 4 critrole femslash week, prompt Alternate Universe. I choose to do a modern au with a vlogger/social media because when I started it I read a few and thought they were neat. Hope you enjoy, read, review, comment, reblog, they really mean more than you’d think when writing stuff like this.

“Oh sweet Pelor, she posted another freaking video,” Vex’ahlia ‘Vex’ Vessar screamed at her brother Vax’ildan, or Vax for pretty much anyone who had ever talked to him.

“Who my dear sweet even-tempered sister,” Vax asked half amused half mocking. He already knew who Vex was throwing her latest hissy fit over, she had been throwing tantrums over the other half-elf for months. It wasn’t fair, there was such a huge storm in Emon last week the meant she wasn’t able to go out and hike like she normally did which meant she hadn’t been able to film a new video. It also meant that she hadn’t been able to visit her sweet baby boy Trinket either and that was even worse. Maybe it was making her cranky, but she wouldn't admit that.

“You very well know who I mean,” Vex said rounding on her brother but her eyes never strayed from her phone, “Keyleth Zephara.” The newest Druid Diaries video already had a couple thousand views and it had only been up for an hour at most. Vex hadn’t watched it yet, but she knew it would be sweet and wonderful and oh so sickening, just like the woman who it focused on.

“Oh right the red-haired bimbo who has been the bane of your existence for the past few months. The one who updates every Saturday, which is today,” Vax said not even looking up from his tablet. He had much better things to do than listen to his sister go on and on about her one-sided war she was waging against her crush even if his sister wouldn’t admit it was a crush.

“I never said she was a bimbo,” Vex retorted. She glanced at her phone again seeing Keyleth’s smiling face as she traveled through the wilderness, “I mean yes I called her a strumpet, but I didn’t actually know what it meant. I thought it was an insult that you called pretty women.”

“I know,” Vax said finally looking at his twin sister, if only so she could see his shit eating grin. “Zahra won’t let you forget it.”

Vex didn’t need to be reminded about her ex-girlfriend/current best friend’s literal rolling on the floor laughter the first time Vex used the word wrong during a rant about Keyleth. Besides, Zahra didn’t matter right now, “I just don’t get how her blog is more popular than mine? I mean we’re both nature blogs, but I’m the 3 time gold medalist and fashion icon, whereas she’s just a nature blog. Why is she more popular than me? Vex’ahlia’s Visions is a masterpiece blog in my opinion, it combines fitness, fashion, and nature.” Vex had started it up sometime during the last Summer games and her third gold medal victory and it had been a very popular blog for the last 3 years. Her friend Scanlan had suggested it, said that she could boost her popularity and show her fans the real her. While she was initially against it she had to admit it was fun and she did love the praise she received for her breathtaking nature shots as well as people lavishing over her beauty during her fitness and fashion segments.

“How could my blog be losing to a blog about a gorgeous girl who does cute things with animals she sees travel the world. It’s only been up for two years.” A moment passed and Vex was about to answer but Vex stopped him, “I know, I know her blog sounds awesome, I realized it the second the words came out of my mouth. Still, it doesn’t explain why she’s more popular than me. She calls her fans Kikinuts for crying out loud.”

“I mean, it probably doesn’t help that you follow her and are like half the views on her videos.”

“I’m not half the views on her videos,” Vex shot back, “maybe a quarter, but not half,” she whispered to herself. She can’t help it, after all Keyleth of the Air Ashari was the competition, Vex had to watch her videos to see why they were so popular, at least 8 times each just to be sure, sometimes with and other times without sound. “Still, I’m a ranger and one of the most famous in the world, how does someone have a nature blog more popular than mine?”

Despite Vex’s complaints she did love Keyleth’s videos. They were always surprisingly informative about the places she visited, and she would always have animals in her videos that did cute things and she would talk to sometimes. Usually she would end up sleeping in the woods somewhere making a shelter, foraging for her own food and water, living under the stars. As a powerful druid she apparently had the ability to summon storms and perfect wifi no matter where she went in addition to her other magical and shapeshifting abilities. Being able to summon lightning meant her equipment was always charged too so that was helpful for a druid ‘roughing’ it.

“You might be a ranger Stubby, but she’s a druid. You both might have nature one your side but she can turn into animals and talk to them and people love animals.”

“I have animals in my videos.”

“You have animals that are running away from you little sister,” Vax said standing up giving his sister a kiss on the forehead since he knows how much she hates it. “Keyleth gets them to gather around her like she’s a Disney princess or something. And that’s not even getting to how she is with plants. Or she gets attacked by them which also leads to a lot of views because people like to see that sort of thing. I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re going to win this one. Especially since you want to keep my nephew out of the spotlight.”

“I swore I would never become a crazy stage mom and force Trinket in the spotlight for something as paltry as popularity. My child is a wild dangerous beast and my animal companion like the ones the rangers of old would ride into battle with. Not some dancing bear doing tricks for snacks and nose pats. The fact that he’s adorable and happens to love me with all his giant heart is a moot point,” Vex said matter-of-factly. She loved Trinket more than anything in this world, which is why she let him roam free in the wilds near Emon instead of stuck in her house like a pet.

“That makes me proud Stubby,” Vax said giving his sister the biggest sloppiest kisses he could muster on each cheek, one for him and one for his nephew. As she pushed him away he continued, “I know you’ve always wanted to be the type of successful woman that those bastards back in Syngorn would have to respect at least. But I’m glad you’re not willing to go crazy over that. I mean if winning three gold medals for archery in the past 3 olympic games didn’t make Syldor respect you, I doubt becoming internet famous will.”

“That might be because I competed on behalf of Emon and beat every pureblooded natural born son and daughter of Syngorn they sent up against me, along with the competitors from the Dwendali Empire, Marquet, and everywhere else,,” Vex said proudly. The memories of her father looking down on her archery skills back when she was 6 still hurt, he had only agreed to let her try after her stepmother convinced him to let her try. He had bet on her quitting in a week. Her stepmother had given her the gold piece when the two of them left to study abroad in Emon when they were 12. A reminder of the first time she forced her father to eat those words Devana said before sending her off with a kiss on the forehead and telling her to not make it the last.

“Syldor and the rest of them back in Syngorn would still respect you even if they hated you, the fact that they still don’t means they never will Stubby. So stop acting like having the best nature blog will make you anything more than an ambassador’s bastard half-blooded daughter to the stuffy elves back home and just enjoy your crush like a normal person,” Vax said as patiently as he could. He knew it probably wouldn’t get through, it wasn’t the first time they had this conversation, but Vex had a hard time letting their horrible childhood go.

“Whatever,” Vex said shrugging off her brother’s words, “why don’t you get out of here, I have a video to watch.”

Sighing Vax just decided to let it go, one issue at a time, “when you watch this time, maybe just forget about your one-sided rivalry with Keyleth for now and just watch her video. You know you always forget about how much you pretend to hate her once you see her break out in that embodiment of sunshine smile she always opens up with,” when Vex flipped him off in response he just let out a sigh and moved to the door. “Just try not to drool all over yourself this time or should I say don’t let her make you so mad you’ froth with rage,” he managed to say before he dashed out of the room dodging pillows that his sister was trying to assault him with.

Unfortunately for Vex this left her alone to deal with her brooding/crush over Keyleth. She wished Trinket was there, he always managed to make her feel better, but a bear wasn’t meant for a populated area, the woods near Emon were fine since he was less than a mile away at worst, but it still didn’t mean his absence wasn’t felt. She had a cabin deeper in the woods on private property that Trinket stayed in or around most days. It worked for Trinket and it worked for her wilderness videos.

She waited to watch the newest Druid Diaries, she knew it would be fantastic even if she could only see the thumbnail. It was of Keyleth sitting up in between two tree branches, she was smiling of course, wearing her classic green ensemble with her iconic antler crown framing her long mane of red hair. Initially she thought that Keyleth had a lot of followers and fans because she was a pretty girl. There were always idiots who followed pretty girls who made videos, Vex knew first hand when she was starting out, but that wasn’t the secret to Keyleth’s success. While she was adorably charming in a clumsy sort of way Keyleth did know her stuff when it came to animals and plants, even if she seemed a bit ditzy at first glance.

Quietly, Vex wondered where Keyleth was going to be shooting this month. The druid seemed a nomad at heart and despite loving each location she got to she only spent a month or so in an area to explore all the natural world had to offer with a video showing up each week before moving on. Vasselheim was an exception though, Keyleth seemed to fall in love with the ancient city and it’s forests full of magical beasts and stayed a whole 4 months before moving on. Her fans loved it though, everything from the forests and the monsters, to the way their idol had explored the ancient city. She had spent so long there that there was speculation on her forum that she had joined the legendary Slayer’s Take hunter’s guild.

Vex had always wanted to go but had never gotten the nerve to. But she would one day, she’d take Trinket there and explore the forests, see the wild magical beasts that hunted in those woods, maybe she’d even join the Slayer’s Take. It was supposed to be a pretty open guild, once you took a contract you needed to fulfill it but it also didn’t have a requirement to keep taking contracts.

That didn’t matter right now though, she had to watch the new video her enemy put out. Despite what her brother thought Vex did not find Keyleth attractive, just annoyingly beautiful and awkwardly charming, but not attractive no sir. Realizing she was just justifying her actions to herself, Vex let out a sigh and started Keyleth’s newest video. It was long enough that she’d by the time she finished she’d be able to watch Keyleth’s live Q&A segment that she always did after the first week. Every now and then her phone would go off to tell her that she had a new notification, something she normally checked religiously, but she ignored them, when it was Keyleth’s video watching time the building would be on fire and she wouldn't notice, which had happened before.

“Hey there Kikinuts,” Keyleth started out with her camera zoomed in way too far so they could only see her right eye. Vex gave a snort, this meant Keyleth was doing things solo, her best friend and camera man when he could Percy wouldn't have let her start a video like that. “Oh sorry, let me adjust that,” she said zooming out a bit until her whole face was in the video. “There we go,” Keyleth said giving the camera a smile and Vex felt her heart speed up. ‘Shut up Vax,’ she thought out loud to a brother that wasn’t there. Keyleth might have had the most gorgeous green eyes Vex had ever seen, but it was her face that she could, and have stared at for hours.

Vex couldn’t help but notice how the morning sun just lit up Keyleth’s long mane of untamed red hair like a sea of rubies or fire. She looked beautiful, Vex could admit that much as she sighed feeling the anger towards the innocent woman whose only crime was being more popular than she was and making her feel weird things.

“I hope you all enjoyed my last month in Whitestone, the home of my best friend and assistant Percival Fredrickstein Von Martini Koala De Rolo the Third,” she giggled. it was a running gag in her videos for Percy’s name to be unpronounceable to anyone other than him. “Unfortunately,” Keyleth said sobering up a bit, “Percy decided to take a bit of a leave of absence for a while. Don’t worry, we’re still a duo and having broken up or anything, he just needed some time to himself. Seeing his childhood home and his family made him feel a bit nostalgic so he decided to stay with them for a while to catch up. You can still keep up with him @Pderolo3 and of course you can follow me @TempestOfAntlers if you aren’t already. Remember if you like this video, leave a like and subscribe, maybe even a comment. Just a reminder because this is the first week of the month, I will be doing a live Q&A session 2 hours after the video airs so send in your questions. It’s weird to be saying that since it will be the future by then but it’s what we’ve been doing. Any way,” Keyleth said giving her fingers a snap, “now that that’s out of the way, we can start our video for real.”

It started off like it usually did with videos of her hiking for a bit and just enjoying the sounds of nature all around her. Vex didn’t usually like this part, it was fine but Keyleth did her best to be quiet for the first few minutes or so and as much as Vex loved nature, sometimes trees just looked like trees, and she had enough trees in whenever she went to visit Trinket. These trees didn’t look any different, which made Vex sit up, actually not only did they not look any different, those were the same trees she saw whenever she visited Trinket, the exact same trees. “Here I am in the Forests of Emon, the capital of Tal'Dorei, and home to Sovereign Uriel Tal’Dorei the Third,” Keyleth said breaking into the talking points of her show where she would list the history but Vex didn’t hear her. She was paralyzed frozen by the information that Keyleth Zephara was literally a few miles away in the forests she walked and hiked in for years.

It wasn’t until Keyleth got a familiar furry visitor, a large brown mass of fur lumbered into the clearing that Keyleth was currently filming in. The two of them stared at each other dumbstruck, neither expecting the other and Vex had a mini heart attack. She knew that Trinket was the sweetest being in creation, but he was still a wild animal, she knew that Trinket wouldn’t attack Keyleth but that didn’t mean that Keyleth wouldn’t attack him thinking she was in danger. Keyleth might not be a warrior, but she was a powerful druid, Vex had seen videos where Keyleth turned into sharks, or tigers, or giant rock monsters, she could destroy Trinket in a fight.

“Alright viewers,” Keyleth whispered into her camera, “I am going to show you how I deal with wild animals that could be potentially dangerous. Just a warning, don’t try this at home unless you are a druid to and even then, I wouldn’t recommend it.” With that she put her phone down so she was still in view, and for a minute she glowed.

Vex was about to run outside with her arrows, crush or not if Keyleth hurt her baby she’d shove an arrow so far up that bitch’s ass that. Luckily her rational side took over before she could do something stupid, it said that this video happened a week ago so even if she did rush out she’d be too late. Also, it said that she always knew when Trinket was in danger thanks to their bond so she had nothing to worry about. She had felt him be nervous during the storm that was after when Keyleth would have shot her video.

“Hello,” Keyleth said in a deeper voice than normal, “I am Keyleth,” her voice said was heavy and harsher than normal, like she was growling. Trinket just let out a large roar in response, Vex could tell he wasn’t angry or scared, just curious, “Oh, you speak common,” Keyleth said in response, “that makes things easier.”

Trinket growled back friendlier than before, “okay so you’re Trinket,” Keyleth responded, “it’s very nice to meet you Trinket,” she said giving Trinket a scratch on the chin. And Vex’s heart started to calm down a little, it also tried not to melt. Seeing the girl of her dreams befriending her son was not something she ever thought she’d see, but it did things to her. Not dirty things, but familial things that she hadn’t dreamed of feeling in a long time.

“You’re very nice for a wild bear,” Keyleth started to say, “I don't mean that other bears aren’t nice wild or not,” she said backtracking. “It’s just most wild bears I meet aren’t so nice or understand common. Oh you’re Vex’s bear,” Keyleth said excitedly and Vex’s heart just froze. The notifications were going off on her phone like crazy now and to the point where Vex had to plug her headphones into her laptop just so she could watch what could be her most important moment of her life. “Wow that’s amazing, I didn’t realize she had a bear, especially one as cute and cuddly as you,” she said in a cutesy baby tone as she gave Trinket a belly rub.

“No,” Keyleth responded to one of Trinket’s growls, “never meet Vex personally, I saw her up close once though,” she said surprising Vex. “It was during the games before last, I went there with my father to represent the Ashari tribes. We don’t exactly have the numbers for athletes to compete, but we were invited to spectate the games. It was a great honor for the tribes, but I was nervous, most of the competitors were hyper focused on their own events they didn’t have time for anyone who wasn’t a fellow athlete, a coach, or the press so I was lost. I didn’t feel like I belonged there so part of me wanted to just curl up and cry in my room from nerves and anxiety. Then at one of the dinner after the opening ceremonies, I saw her, arguing with another athlete form Syngorn despite her being a whole head shorter than him and probably ten years younger, and winning. I think probably the coolest girl I’ve ever seen and she was my age. I didn’t introduce myself back then, I was still too nervous to, but just seeing her stand up for herself made me feel braver. I kind of became a Vex fangirl after that,” Keyleth said kind of dreamily, maybe? It sounded dreamily to Vex who was trying really hard not to get her hopes up. This couldn’t’ be real right?

This couldn’t be happening, this was something after a cheesy romcom, granted it would normally happen with dogs opposed to bears, but Vex didn’t have a dog. “I went to each of her competitions and bought tons of her merchandise, I just was so into her.”

“Do you want to be,’ Vex thought absentminded, she really had no filter when she wasn’t paying attention.

“I got into vlogging because of her actually,” she said surprising Vex when she did. “I got a notification about her on google and saw her video for the first time and I don’t’ know I just subscribed then and there. Oh I don’t know why I’m tell you this Trinket,” Keyleth said looking cute and Vex thought her heart couldn’t take it.

“Oh Vex talked about me with you before,” Keyleth asked excitedly and Vex’s heart dropped, oh no.

For a moment she just watched and listened while Trinket growled amicably with a big smile on her face. Slowly though her smile seemed to fade slowly to the point where she Vex could hear Keyleth’s heart break, “I see she said that about me,” now it sounded like the Druid was about to cry. “I guess I could see that, she isn’t the first person to say things like that about me. I think we should move along, there are so many nice things to see in Emon,” but now she sounded like a carebear who was told love didn’t exist.

Vex’s alarm went off to let her know that Keyleth’s Q&A and Vex immediately shut her alarm off and saw she had hundreds of notifications. Some were “Why are you being mean to Keyleth,” or “I don’t get where you get off being mean to Keyleth, she’s great while you’re the worst,” which seeing how she was feeling right now she couldn’t disagree. Others were worse unfortunately, “I’m with you, Keyleth is an overrated bitch,” or “Keyleth is a cunt who doesn’t know anything and needs to shut her trap. Team Vex all the way,” which got a block from Vex right away. Even a few gross ones that say things like “if the two of you are going to have a fight you should film it with jello to boost both your views.” Honestly she wouldn’t mind getting jello with Keyleth, but she wasn’t’ going to have a catfight in it, at least not for people to watch.

Immediately she turned on Keyleth’s live stream and saw that the area she was filming in was partially destroyed. In the background of her shot though there was a cabin that looked far to familiar. “Hi there Kikinuts. There was a bit of a storm the last few days so sorry I’ve been out of communication. But I’m here and safe, my friend Trinket actually brought me to this nice cabin that belongs to his owner,” she gestured to the, “he took me to where the spare key was so we could both stay safe and dry. I just want you to know Ms. Vex’ahlia if you’re watching this I’m sorry, I never would have trespassed if it wasn’t an emergency. I’ll leave money for whatever I took to survive, I didn’t mean to intrude upon your space.”

“Oh fuck,” Vex swore aloud, the way Keyleth said her name now, it was so meek and formal, she’d talk to her father’s business associates like that growing up.

“Anyway, enough about me,” Keyleth said, “lets here from you guys, what do you want to ask me?” She started scrolling through the chat, “Alright let’s see here there…, there’s a lot of questions asking what the deal between me and Vex’ahlia,” Keyleth said with an aggravated sigh, “look, I don’t know. Like I said I was a huge fan of Vex, and if I could maybe talk to her, I still can be. I know this kind of seemed like I dropped this on you guys, but I’ve been wracking my brain over this for the last week. Maybe I insulted her some way when we were kids by accident or something, but I don’t really know what I could have done to make her…, upset with me but I don’t’ want to start guessing on here without talking to each other first. Since I’m in Emon I thought maybe I’d send her a message to see if we could meet up IRL and maybe clear the air without any cameras or people watching. Maybe I can apologize for whatever I did to offend her. Just don’t send her hate, like I said she’s still the coolest woman I’ve ever seen and Trinket here loves her,” she pointed over to Trinket the traitor who was just rolling around in the dirt being a happy bear. “He’s been talking about how much he loves his mommy all week and how great she is. So I’m sure this is just a problem on my end that I hope we can fix. I get enough hate because of what I do, I don’t ever want anyone else to experience that, especially over me,” her big green eyes were full of sincerity.

“Anyway,” she said trying to lighten the mood, “lets see about another question. Sorry, they’re going by really quickly so if I don’t’ get to yours I’m sorry, I’m not ignoring you it’s just hard to see them sometimes. Alright, how about this one,” she paused for a second before letting out a sigh of frustration, “no @AldarLoverL, I will not say what Vex said about me it’s private, she told her bear not me. I shouldn’t have learned it the way that I did so please stop asking. Moving on for…, are there any questions that aren’t about me and Vex’s so called feud?”

At that point Vex was already out the door rushing grabbing her keys and leaving her apartment. “Hey Vex,” Vax called her as she got to the front door, “are you watching…, I see you were watching Keyleth’s live stream.”

“I always do you know that, dear brother of mine,” Vex said trying to keep the frustration out of her voice. She loved her brother, her twin, the other part of her soul, but she needed to go to her cabin and clear the air. It was only a few miles away, on her bike she could be there in under 15 minutes.

“Are you really going to crash her livestream just to tell her that you don’t actually hate her?”

“Yeah or at least that was the plan,” she admitted, “she’s at my cabin with my son thinking that for the past week I hate her, I need to make things right. Now if you’ll excuse me,” and Vex was out the door quicker than her arrows. She tore down four flights of stairs faster than any sprinter she’d meet and got to the garage where she kept her other baby, “Death From Above”. It was a nice looking motorcycle that Vex loved to ride, she had beaten some crazy dragonborn necromancer in pool for it but it was hers. DFA was loud but it was fast and it got her where she was going and it made Vex feel like she was flying.

It was a quick ride, luckily there was no traffic the way to the cabin, once she was off the main road it was just a barely paved dirt road to get to her little slice of heaven. By the time she got to the cabin her heart was still pounding, she all but jumped off her bike and ran to the back where she recognized Keyleth was filming. She got back there right as she started to realize she had no idea what she was doing, Keyleth was still shooting her Q&A, it usually lasted an hour. Vex’s body moved before her mind could catch up and she was around the corner face to face with Keyleth before she realized these things.

Sweet Pelor the Ashari woman was more beautiful and cute in person, for a good thirty seconds they looked at each other not saying anything, Keyleth shocked just as much as she was. “I was watching your stream,” Vex started to explain, “after watching your last video. I saw you were at my cabin and were talking to my bear. I just wanted to say I don’t’ hate you, Trinket made a mistake. And now I realize how unprofessional this is, crashing your shoot,” Vex said awkwardly slinking behind the corner of her cabin embarrassed.

“Excuse me,” Vex heard Keyleth say to her viewers, and followed Vex.

“I’m so sorry about that,” Vex said her head in her hands sitting on the deck of the cabin That was one of the most embarrassing things that she had done.

“No, you don’t have to apologize for anything,” Keyleth assured her, “I mean it’s your cabin after all, I’m just trespassing.”

“Trinket showed you where the key was, that means you’re a guest,” Vex said giving her an attempt at a smile.

“This is not how I expected to meet you,” Keyleth said taking a seat next to Vex on the porch.

“Well if we’re being fair I didn’t you’d ever talk to my bear and spend the week thinking I hated you,” Vex said

“So…, you don’t hate me,” Keyleth asked quietly unsure if she was going to like the answer. “Trinket said you don’t say a lot of good things about me when you talk to him.”

“I promise Keyleth I don’t’ hate you,” Vex swore, “Look, it’s nothing you did, I just…, I have issues. I promise, I’ll make a video telling everyone that I don’t’ hate you, post an apology letter, anything you want. I owe you that much.”

“Well…,” Keyleth said thinking, “I mean you already said you didn’t hate me in my segment. Do you maybe want to come on with me and we can put the rumors to death for real?”

“You really don’t’ mind if I’m in your video,” Vex asked incredulously. She expected Keyleth to hate her for making her think that she was hated.

“I mean I kind of dreamed of collaborated with you for a while,” Keyleth said her cheeks red, “I wasn’t lying when I said you were the reason I got into making videos.”

“Let’s do it, if it’s really okay,” Vex said standing up face to face with Keyleth. She never realized how tall Keyleth was, even without the antlers she was almost half a foot taller than Vex. It was kind of a turn on.

“Great,” Keyleth said jumping up and down in excitement and hugged her. Vex never thought she’d feel like Elenore to Keyleth’s Tahani but, to quote the Good Place, “of course your hugs are amazing.”

Five minutes later they were in front of Keyleth’s camera starting their collaboration. “Hi Kikinuts, I’m back, sorry about that. I just had to work a few things out with my special surprise guest, Vex’ahlia of Vex’halia’s Visions.”

“That’s Keyleth, you can call me Vex though,” Vex said, not wanting to tell her that she liked it when Keyleth used her shortened name, it made her smile. “I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop by,” she cursed herself for sounding so stupid. Of course, she was in the neighborhood this was her cabin. “I was watching your lasted video, which was great by the way,” she said turning to Keyleth, “you know up until you met Trinket, my animal companion.”

“Yeah, he’s wonderful but I think we got a bit confused,” Keyleth admitted.

“He’s my beautiful baby boy, but as much as I love him, he’s still a bear and doesn’t always understand the things I tell him. So I’m sorry about that, I can defanetly say that I don’t hate you Keyleth, I’ve actually a big fan. Subscribed the moment I saw your videos.”

“Well that’s really sweet, I’m glad that we got all that cleared out of the way, because like I said I’m a big fan of yours too,” Keyleth said giving her warm smile that shot through the heart. “Hear that views, Vex doesn’t hate me and I don’t hate her so maybe we can drop the whole thing, it was a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, I didn’t really mean it when I said those things to him about you,” Vex explained without thinking, only to realize what she said when they came out of her mouth.

“Oh,” Keyleth said and the look on her face could make puppies cry, “so you did say those things about me.”

“Keyleth not like that,” Vex said she was normally so cool and good with her words, what was it about this girl that made her so stupid.

“It’s fine Vex,” Keyleth said trying to keep her smile on her face despite also looking like she was going to cry.

“I’m such an ass, it really wasn’t like that Keyleth,” Vex said turning away and saw the chat was exploding asking them over and over what she meant, or what she said. It was starting to get aggravating.

“Vex,” Keyleth said meeting her eye, despite looking hurt the druid’s eyes were also strong, “it’s okay, you said you don’t hate me and are a fan and I believe you. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”

“Keyleth..,” Vex started she’d rather be vulnerable than let Keyleth think she hated her. “It’s true, I said those horrible things about you, I’d say it pretty often, Trinket being a bear only knows the words. If he was a person he might understand the nuance a bit better. I’m not exactly the best person, I’m really competitive and don’t really know…, pretty girls make me stupid, especially the ones that I have a crush on, not the best combination,” and there it was she just admitted in front of all Keyleth’s fans and the woman herself that she had a crush on her. “Like I said, if Trinket was a people person maybe he’d understand that, since all my friends have told me I have a crush on you despite my name calling.” There it was, Vex didn’t do vulnerable, but hey, it was a crazy situation and she didn’t have time to think about it.

“Oh,” was all Keyleth could say as she blushed as red as her hair.

“You don’t’ have to say anything,” Vex assured her. “I know this isn’t how you thought your day was going to go I just felt like being honest to avoid any more confusion.”

Keyleth started to hyperventilate and pulled out a paper bag. Vex was right, this definitely wasn’t how she expected her day to go. “Shit,” Vex said and rushed into the house to fetch Keyleth a glass of water. By the time she was back Keyleth seemed to calm down a little, at least enough to drink the glass of water. “I’m really sorry about that, I didn’t expect that reaction,”

“No need to apologize,” Keyleth said after finishing the water, “its just not everyday your first crush surprises you a dozen times over and admits to having a crush on you. Let’s turn this off,” she said jumping up and turning her camera off to the outrage of the chat. “We’ll tell you guys about what happens later,” Keyleth promised before signing off. She started to pinch her arm wondering if this was all just a crazy dream, maybe she died in the storm and this was hell.

“We don’t’ have to do anything about this Keyleth, hell, we didn’t even know each other before today. If you want we could write the whole thing off as a skit we made together to show people we don’t’ actually hate each other. We can say it was my idea,” Vex offered.

“I don’t want to do that,” Keyleth said firmly, “I’m not going to lie about how I feel. It’s just,” she started to say her face falling, “I’ve never dated anyone before, I’m a mess when it comes to talking to people, that’s why I move around so much and shoot videos in the woods with my only friend. I’ve had a crush on you for so long, but it’s always been from a far. What happens if I ruin that, what happens when I ruin that, I won’t even have my stupid childish crush to fall back on.”

“Well why don’t we start off small,” Vex suggested, “we don’t have to get together and go steady right now, maybe we can start off with something small. My name is Vex’ahlia Vessar, I’m a nature vlogger and 3 time gold winning medalist in archery,” she said holding out her hand, “it’s nice to meet you.”

For a moment Keyleth could only laugh, not at Vex, but at the whole situation, still, she took Vex’s outstretched hand, “Keyleth Zephara of the Ashari, the future voice of the Tempest and a nature vlogger as well.”

Those little gestures became conversations, those conversations became long talks and before you knew it, like and then love. Keyleth wound up spending a record six months in Emon, despite the forests being nice but not impressive. If it was Vex and Trinket’s home then it was the most amazing place in the world. And when she left Emon after those six months, she didn’t leave alone, she was never alone again.

I really needed to wrap that up, the ending was getting away from me. This was supposed to be a quick silly modern youtuber au that got out of hand. Originally it was supposed to end with Trinket telling Keyleth about Vex’s crush on her, but for some reason I added a lot of unnecessary drama. Oh well it’s done and I hope you enjoyed it. I realize that the characters are kind of ooc, but like I said they kind of got away from me.

I also don’t know why I made Vex an Olympic athelet, it just kind of fit since she is a ranger class still, despite the world not really needing adventurers as much as it did in the old days. Still, I did it and it’s done. For anyone interested, I’d say that they’re around level 10, sort of when everything picks up in the campaign.

#critical role #vox machina #vexleth #vex #vex'ahlia #keyleth #keyleth of the air ashari #crfemslashweek #critrolefemslashweek #fanfiction #fanfic

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consumptiontofunction-blog · 5 years

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I am here.

Hello Tumblr.

My name is Christine, but you can call me CJ. I’m 24 years old, and I am trying, desperately, to save myself from dying. Though I don’t know how desperate I can consider myself to be considering I am only on step one of what I expect to be the longest journey of my life.

I weigh 430 pounds. I have severe asthma, anemia, and a calcium deficiency. I have crippling joint pain. My mobility is severely limited. I’ve always just assumed I’m fat because I’m lazy and I like food. But four months ago, I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder; the definite cause of most of my health problems. I have apparently actually had it for approximately fifteen years of my life... Long enough to not even know that it wasn’t normal. Wasn’t normal to think about food constantly. Wasn’t normal to plan every aspect of my life around meals. Wasn’t normal to ONLY look forward to when I finally got to binge again. Wasn’t normal that I couldn’t find the heart to get that excited about ANYTHING else. Wasn’t normal to tell stories about fond memories of trips, family gatherings, adventures with friends, only to predominantly focus on the meals I had, because everything else is blurry; because I always remember every meal in precise detail. Wasn’t normal that the only time I felt in touch with myself was when I was eating.

In all honesty, someone should have noticed a lot sooner. Society is so blinded by its genuine hatred of fatness, and in turn fat people, that it never occurred to anyone that it wasn’t normal for a thirteen year old to weigh 300 pounds. That there was no way that there was anything wrong with my weight that wasn’t blatantly my fault. It never occurred to anyone that my constant weight gain might be weird, despite the fact that over the course of the decade I was in mental health treatment of varying types the entire time. Not once was a therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor like “Maybe it’s weird that this human being has gained more than 100 pounds over the course of less than a decade. Maybe there is a mental health component to that.”

I’ll be honest, I’m a little salty.

Being diagnosed was simultaneously the most validated and the most devastated I’ve ever been in my life. I cried the realest tears I’ve ever cried. For the first time, the things I was saying felt true. Not because I had been lying, necessarily. Though I will admit that when it comes to my eating, I have rarely told the full truth to anyone. It can be humiliating to explain it only to have them judge what I’ve said as “Oh this chick is gross”. But no, it was because for the first time I had told the truth to someone who, in turn, looked fucking SHOCKED. Who was floored by how incredibly not normal it was. Who said to me “Of course there is something wrong. You have an eating disorder, and I genuinely cannot believe you haven’t been diagnosed yet. There is no way someone is going to approve you for bariatric surgery. You could literally die.” (Of course, she said this a lot more nicely. She is a dietitian, and an amazing fucking woman. Despite having only met with her a handful of times, she will always be a massively important part of my life. She was step zero of what is the hardest thing I will ever do... If I even can do it.)

The next four months were a mess. The jist of it is that I went into the worst depression of my life. (I made this blog less than a week after my diagnosis, early December, but it took me this long to come back and finally post something.) I went into a partial treatment center two weeks into the new year. A week and a half in, my counselor recommended I go into a residential program.

That was the SECOND simultaneously most validated and devastated I’ve ever been in my life. I said a really hard, firm no to that initially. I didn’t want to leave my dad, or my fiance, or my friends. I would have to go five hours away to this place, and it just was too much. I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself go through the stages of grief so obviously (or so insanely quickly). It took about ten minutes to accept that I was going to go. But it took another seven weeks to accept that I needed to go, and that I actually might be able to fight this.

Literally last night. Literally.

Due to an insurance issue, it took seven weeks to get a set day I would go. Today is Wednesday. I leave on Sunday. But something clicked in my head last night. See, back in November, my life was FINALLY starting to turn around. I was going to start school in January to be a radiology technician. I was starting the process for bariatric surgery. I had an appointment scheduled with a dietitian who would review my case before submitting my application for it. I had my birthday on November 30th being one hundred percent confident that I was finally, FINALLY making some headway. I would finally lose enough weight to not be in pain. I would finally be on the road to a career. I knew my boyfriend was planning to propose soon. 24 is my favorite number; it has been all my life. I just KNEW that all the best things were going to happen to me when I was 24. I knew for so long that it would be a monumental year.

Less than a week later was when I got my diagnosis.

I have never lost so much hope. I’ve always been able to keep at least a little bit of hope in my back pocket. I’ve been fighting all my life to get better, and I’ve always been able to maintain at least a little confidence that someday I would win. But after that, I felt truly, completely, gut-wrenchingly hopeless. I didn’t realize it until then, but something inside of me “knew” that this was the fight I couldn’t win. Since waaaayyyyy before my diagnosis. My mental process when planning for my pre-surgery meal plan was “fake it long enough to get the surgery”. I didn’t quite know what I was faking, but I knew I couldn’t authentically do what they wanted me to. Knowing that I couldn’t get the surgery meant I had no hope for my future, because I truly believed I could never get better, never have control over my eating, and that trying was a moot point. I could have the weight removed by someone else, but I could never have the self control to stop eating the way I was. I went home and broke down to my now-fiance. In my emotional state, I remember wailing “how will I ever be able to be happy without this?”. I genuinely thought that the entirety of my happiness rested on the shoulders of eating compulsively; that nothing could make me as happy as food. That’s how fucked up my brain is. I was truly, completely, utterly hopeless. I was fucking broken. My dream of my 24th year being the amazing turn around story was smashed to smithereens. It was over, and I had given up.

I’ve clawed myself up quite a bit. I accepted that I was leaving, and I began to prepare my life around me to be placed gently on hold. I’ve made an extra effort to enjoy my time with my father, my fiance, my friends. I’ve poured myself into my hobbies while I had the time. I spent a lot of time reading about eating disorders, about the misconceptions around binge eating, about the treatment process, about people who were a lot bigger than me who had succeeded in getting better.

Then, last night, I was having a conversation with my fiance about my planned treatment process for the rest of the year. Residential for one to three months, coming back to go to the same partial program I was at before for several months, going into an intensive outpatient treatment for several months, and eventually taking everything completely into my own hands with outpatient care, at which point I will re-begin the bariatric surgery process. Then completely out of the blue, something hit me. My eating would be completely or almost completely in someone else’s hands for all of residential and partial. Could be up to SIX MONTHS. At my metabolic rate, I could likely lose fifty pounds in that time. I wouldn’t have to follow a meal plan of my own, at home, until IOP, and even then it would only be a few days a week.. That really could be enough time with it out of my hands to develop the right habits to make it the rest of the way on my own, to lose enough weight to give me the drive to keep the ball rolling.

And suddenly, I was sobbing again. Because finally, four months later, it was there again.

Hope.

Maybe this is the thing that I’ve been waiting for. Maybe this is my big 24 turn around story. Maybe I will still look back on this year as the most important of my life. Maybe ten years from now, I will know that this was when my life finally started.

I don’t know for sure yet. What I do know, is that in four days I am driving down to Philadelphia to do something huge, and that is brave as fuck. That I am taking a massive plunge in the name of my own wellness. I will admit, I have always been good at getting better. I’ve always been a fighter. I’m not quite ready to give up yet.

I’m going to post when I can, because I want to track this journey. Most of what I write will come from a place of emotion, and I can’t guarantee I will always be kind to myself or everyone else. But I want a record of this, at least tidbits here and there.

Welcome to my blog. Maybe I can actually do this.

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ericlwoods · 5 years

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Not sure how to start this write up. There is some hesitancy on my part, but not for the usual reasons.

Not for fear of Leica adherent backlash. I am a casual member of the same. Very much enjoyed a brief Leica film dalliance I fully understand the Leica allure.

https://flic.kr/p/26omc7J

And I loved what the Leica M3 (KEH Blog Post here) could do.

https://flic.kr/p/YPNiHi

What happened? As much as I loved the M3 functionally it was a dead end fiscally.

Body: I would rather in body metering. But that means a film M6 (M5 also technically) which currently goes for more than a few brand new full-frame digital cameras.

Lens: Had and loved the Voigtlander 50mm f/1.5. But why not a proper Leica? They are quite expensive, especially when you go wider than f/2. Multiples of the cost of the M3 body alone used in fact.

Media: An M mount digital Leica was beyond my reach. The cost of moving to a digital M mount was a hard proposition for me personally.

Sidebar: Not saying digital M mounts are not worth the price. They are. Simply a matter of them costing more than I am willing or able to spend.

What did I do next? I already enjoyed Voigtlander lenses so I went for a less expensive Voigtlander Bessa R2 that has in body metering.

https://flic.kr/p/261676d

Perfect for my purposes for much less spend. So it looks like I dodged the Leica bullet. What happened? Put simply the Q happened.

As soon as it was released back in 2015 I knew the Q would haunt me. Some scoffed at such an expensive all in one camera. Not me. Without knowing anything more the mere fact that this was a camera with:

An AF Summilux lens included where a manual focus M version would cost more alone.

No rangefinder, but zoom and peeking aids like those I grew to appreciate on other mirrorless cameras.

Full frame. As much as I appreciate the Leica name I would not purchase a less than full frame lens Leica product.

I stopped reading further. Knew I was in trouble. A close encounter with a Q in the wild proved problematic as well. On a local photo walk accomplished photographer Edde Burgess took what is still to this day my favorite portrait of me.

Edde took this with his Leica Q that I tried not to look directly at during the walk for too long. In short, I had a medium format film camera in hand and a bag full of digital gear, while Edde was rolling with one self-contained wonder. Still, I resisted.

Then after some years went by…

A Q showed up at my local camera shop recently.

Dang it.

Took it in hand and told myself not to look at the price on the bottom. I looked. Was initially stunned by, but not really surprised by, the price. Holding its value better than I had hoped.

Went home and looked at the prices of examples online and realized the Q really holds its value. This local example was very much priced to move. If I ever was going to get one this would likely have to be it. Dang it.

Went on to finally read and watch the reviews and deep dive into the specs I had all avoided all of these years. Hope was that these would back me down. Snap me out of it. Sheesh. A rare consensus. Praise after praise. And the specs listed features I did not expect of any all in one camera, especially a Leica.

OIS

Found this particularly surprising. My one real bogey, the RX1, does not have this feature. Digital stabilization does not count. Having long become spoiled with OIS it is now a must-have feature.

Macro

So avoided early reviews and specs that I had no idea that it had a macro function. The party piece is the shifting distance markings. Amazing bit of engineering and design that actually works.

Leaf shutter.

Silent shooting with physical shutter up to 1/2000s and flash sync up to 1/500s. Will not ever likely use flash, but the silent shooting is a definite plus.

E-shutter.

Up to 1/16,000s shutter. What? This means completely silent stills in daylight with the aperture wide open without an ND filter any time I want.

WiFi/NFC.

Well implemented remote control and file transfers by all accounts. I see you Leica.

10fps… 10fps!

3 years old and bests the rightly highly regarded newbie 8 fps A7iii (No ding intended. Love that camera. Just facts.).

AF.

Fast and accurate AF on a full frame Leica. That is a ‘take my money’ sentence.

Direct manual focus.

With assists. WIth hard stops. Focus tab with an ingenious AF/MF switch built in.

Not drive by wire. With zoom and peeking. No. it is not a proper rangefinder, but it more than makes up for it with it’s well thought out and elegant implementation.

Face detect AF.

Another ‘take my money’ feature.

Touch screen with touch focus.

Greatly helps to mitigate the omission of a tilt screen for me.

AF Tracking.

Actually works.

Favorites menu.

Most recent firmware I installed added a favorites menu where you can choose what comes up first. Found the menus already to be intuitive and quick to navigate, but this is even better.

User profiles.

Quickly switch between my favorite self defined configurations (B&W/High Speed/Street/Normal) just like I have set on all of my other cameras.

Video.

Not pro grade. No mic jack. Not 4K. But AF tracking is good and more than serviceable for the few occasions I would want to capture video.

Decided a test drive was in order. Does it add up? Have been disappointed in the past when real life experience does not match the hype and/or spec sheet. Not the case here.

Lower price non Leica comparisons.

Having owned and tried many digital cameras (Sony RX1 line, Fuji X100 line, Ricoh GR line and the like) I can honestly say that this camera is greater than the sum of its parts. It is not about capability since any number of cameras can produce excellent images. But even if you took the word Summilux out of the equation this camera matched or bested every camera listed above ergonomically in my book. I spent near no time staring at the camera wondering how to change setting X or Y. Switch to MF? Move the focus wheel on the lens away from AF. Change the aperture manually? Move the dial on the lens off of A. Change the shutter speed manually? Move top plate mounted shutter dial off of A. Change the ISO? Press button on the back marked ISO and turn the wheel. Hey, what is this unmarked dial on the top do? What do you know it adjusts the exposure compensation. All this in the first few moments after having picked up the camera without ever picking up a manual or visiting Youtube. Your mileage may vary, but add the Summilux name back in on top of that (and my notes below) and it is a no brainer for me.

Higher price Leica comparisons.

Leica M acolytes look away until the next paragraph. Nothing to see here… Seems absurd to say, but at the Qs price point there is value to be had here. To achieve the equivalent Leica M specs of this lens and body combination one would need to spend many thousands more for a digital 24MP M 240 body (new or used) or Summilux lens (any focal length used or 28mm new). And I did say ‘or’ not ‘and’. Combine the two and you easily surpass what I paid for my dadmobile daily driver on up into five digits. Some would say that an M advantage is that you can change the lens. Moot point for me. Truth is that if I ever did buy a comparable M lens and body there would be no budget left ever for another lens. And no AF at that price. Tell me of a less expensive AF true Summilux full frame experience anywhere and I am all ears. Not arguing worth. Stating what I am personally willing to pay.

But both comparisons ultimately miss the point. To say the most cliched of cliched things you have to use it and evaluate the results for it to make sense. Hard to relay in words, but since we are here let me try. Imagine if you combine:

Summilux.

I.E. outstanding sharpness wide open, class leading sharpness stopped down a little, great focus fall off, great contrast, creamy bokeh, and wonderful colors. Best lens I own hands down is permafused to this camera.

Near DSLR speed swift and accurate AF acquisition.

Even in low light. How they did this with contrast detect AF only I have no idea. Some Panasonic partner magic perhaps?

10fps.

With useable AF-C tracking in a pinch. That bests all of my other quite capable interchangeable lens cameras.

Best of the best mirrorless manual focus implementation.

Utterly silent shooting.

Best of any digital I own 1/16,000s shutter speed available.

Not to be used for panning/fast moving objects or it will distort, but fantastic in relatively static brightly lit conditions. 1/2000s leaf shutter available if need be for motion.

24.2MP.

This the goldilocks MP count for me. Any less is not enough of a post crop detail safety net for my liking. Any more eats into archive RAW archival storage space quickly and noticeably impacts the speed of my post processing workflow.

Full frame.

Some of my favorite work ever was done in MFT. APS-C is just fine for most all purposes. But if available I prefer full frame.

OIS.

Mentioned above, but deserves mentioning again.

Time lapse, panorama and other scene modes.

Have not gotten around to using any of this yet. But glad it has them.

Macro.

Mentioning again, because this is not just macro writ large on a non macro lens, but actual fast AF wonderfully implemented real deal macro capabilities.

EVF.

Best EVF I have ever used. And I have used a lot of EVFs.

In body 35mm and 50mm field of view crop.

May seem silly since you can crop after the fact. Made more useful since the images are so sharp that cropping still leaves plenty of detail.

Great for sharing real time with the Leica app. Crop while you shoot instead of after the fact.

If you shoot RAW and JPEG like I do it is the best of both worlds since RAW files are not cropped.

Monochrome JPEGs.

There are other JPEG settings, but this is the only one that matters to me.

Small.

No, not as small as the also full frame RX1 line, but tried it and that camera is too small for my beef mitts. Bought and sold two RX100 cameras for the same reason. For me there is such a thing as too small. A nice size with half case and hood, but remove both and I am able to get this camera into a jacket pocket. Plus more compact than a similar M set up. And far more compact than a similarly spec’d A7III and lens. I believe this may be the most compact brighter than f/2 full frame digital camera and body combination on the market currently.

Summilux, summilux, and in conclusion summilux.

But not so fast. There have to be minuses, right?

Focal length.

This was one potential demerit that concerned me. As I have pointed out ad nauseam my usual go-to prime focal length is 50mm or thereabouts. But in use, the 28mm focal length has not proved to be an issue at all. It has forced me to move in to get the shot sometimes, but this is where the small, silent, and quick nature of this camera pays dividends. So far I have thoroughly enjoyed taking shots while in the fray rather than having to back up and away. Has proven handy with environmental candid shots also. And if I do need to step back the bright aperture, ample MPs, accurate focus, and very sharp lens means that cropping is no issue. I should not have been surprised since two of my favorite all in one film cameras are 28mm.

Lack of weatherproofing.

Would have been nice. But not really an issue for me. Some of my cameras are weatherproofed technically and they all get put away at the first sign of rain regardless.

Saved the most biased, eye roll/cringe inducing, subjective assessment for last.

Fun.

Fun to use. Fun to review the results. A highly technical and very capable contraption that is simple to use for any situation that does not require a superwide or telephoto lens. I have cameras that have high keeper rates. The Q is the rare camera that has a high “wow factor” rate. And the only one I own film or digital with that “wow factor’ that does not have some usability compromise involved.

So much so that I have gone from carrying a gear bag everywhere to just carrying this camera. In fact I have already traded quite a bit of the gear the Q displaces without hesitation to partially fund this acquisition.

But lastly it has been out so long you might mention. True. But I know of no camera released since that tops this camera. Some mentioned a Leica Q 2 one day, but why? In my humble opinion there is little that would improve this camera.

So in case you were still wondering I like it. A lot.

Here are some sample shots below and here is a link to an ongoing gallery.

Happy shooting.

-ELW

The Leica Q 4 years on: An amazing camera still. @leica_camera #leicaq #leica #leicaqtype116 Not sure how to start this write up. There is some hesitancy on my part, but not for the usual reasons.

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omophagias · 3 years

Note

What makes the 14th century alliterative revival interesting to you? If I can ask?

(i’m going to do the best i can to answer this while every piece of premodern lit i own is taped up in a box somewhere. this post is also going to be very long because it’s my blog and i do what i want.)

first of all i just like alliteration in any form of poetry—i think it makes it more fun to read out loud and helps to accentuate and drive along the meter. it’s also the primary ornamental device in old english poetry—i think the ruin provides a pretty good ongoing example although the translation they’re using on wikipedia is a bit lackluster imo. the ruin is also interesting in itself for a variety of reasons but i’m personally a fan of the way the alliteration seems to ebb and flow in intensity throughout the poem as the poet moves between the city as it once was and the ruins that it is now. it’s also got a bit of internal rhyme near the start with the repetition of -orene words—gehrorene, scorene, gedrorene, forweorone, geleorene (undereotone if you squint)—that i love. this is largely beside the point. anyway it looks like this—

glædmod ond goldbeorht || gleoma gefrætwed, wlonc ond wingal || wighyrstum scan; seah on sinc, on sylfor, || on searogimmas, on ead, on æht, || on eorcanstan, on þas beorhtan burg || bradan rices. (the ruin, lines 33-37)

broadly, the rule is: four stresses per line, at least three of which alliterate (wlonc ond wingal || wighyrstum scan; or, more widely known and a bit looser, hwæt! we gar-dena || in gear-dagum...)

anyway post-conquest a lot of things change; partially because english isn’t the prestige language for a couple-three centuries afterwards so prestige poetry is in latin or norman french (or anglo-norman), partially because english itself is obviously changing through absorbing a lot of norman & otherwise-french influence, partially it is the nature of poetic form to adapt. i’ve seen some arguments that end-rhyme was introduced into french-etc. poetry through diffusion of arabic poetry out of al-andalus; i’m not qualified to comment but it sounds plausible. either way, at and after the time of conquest, french verse was generally octosyllabic, and rhyming or at least assonant—

Bels fut li vespres e li soleilz fut clers. Les dis mulez fait Carles establer. El’ grant vergier fait li reis tendre un tref; Les dis messages ad fait enz hosteler; Duze serjant les unt bien cunreez. (la chanson de roland, att. turold, c. 1040–1115, lines 157-161; assonant)

Quant des lais faire m’entremet, ne vueil ubliër Bisclavret. Bisclavret a nun en Bretan, Garulf l’apelent li Norman. (bisclavret, marie de france, c. 1160–1215, lines 1-4; aabb rhyming)

alliterative verse didn’t entirely disappear, probably, but we don’t have evidence for it after the composition of layamon’s brut in 1190. the verse compositions in identifiable english that we have, like of arthour and of merlin or richard coer de lyon, tend to take after anglo-norman and french antecedents—

Merlin seyd to þe king “Al y knowe þi glosing, Y wot þou louest par amour Ygerne þat swete flour. What wiltow ȝeue me, ar tomorwe Y schal þe lese out of þi sorwe?” (of arthour and of merlin, c. 1250–1300, lines 2477-2482)

He answeryd wiþ herte ffree, “Þeron j moot avyse me. Ȝe weten weel, it is no lawe, A kynge to hange and to drawe…” (richard coer de lyon, c. 1300, lines 997-1000)

the above two are fairly representative of earlier (like, pre-chaucerian) middle english poetic literature. speaking broadly: short, metrical rhymed couplets. i should also mention, probably, that people at the time were fairly inconsistent about the scribal difference between u and v or y/i/j, that þ goes “th”, and that ȝ makes a variety of “g” or “g”-“y” cusp or “gh” or “ch” sounds and can also stand in scribally for a z or hard s.

anyway, the 14th century alliterative revival is what it sounds like: around 1350, primarily in the north and west of england, a lot of alliterative verse began to be written down. it’s…very different from the examples given above:

And þat þe myriest in his muckel þat myȝt ride; For of bak and of brest al were his bodi sturne, Both his wombe and his wast were worthily smale, And alle his fetures folȝande, in forme þat he hade, ful clene; For wonder of his hwe men hade, Set in his semblaunt sene; He ferde as freke were fade, And oueral enker-grene. (sir gawain and the green knight, “gawain poet”, c. 1370–1390, lines 142-150)

middle english alliterative verse by and large rejects end-rhyming (however, the exceptions to that rule are absolutely my favorites—more later), and brings back the four-stress line (both his wombe and his wast || were worthily smale) although in a longer and looser form than was common in old english, probably because of linguistic shifts and because of evolution of the medium. it is so fun to read out loud. sir gawain and the alliterative morte arthure are probably your most accessible examples—they’re both available in facing-page translation by simon armitage, who isn’t my favorite translator of sir gawain but does a good job of retaining the stresses. piers plowman is also representative, but reading it, to me, is a little like being trapped in the donut shop my grandpa hangs out at with a bunch of other old guys, except without donuts—it’s very old-man-yells-at-cloud. but really my interest with them is less with translation than with the way that the language sits in my mouth, and the way that i think alliterative verse sort of pulls the lines forward in a way that end-rhyme doesn’t necessarily—it feels more propulsive, more churning. it’s like a water-wheel, if that makes sense? it plays off the natural stresses of the english language in a really engaging way, and differently from iambic pentameter, which tends to get most of the spotlight when it comes to naturalistic rhythm in english poetry. and there’s a playfulness to a lot of it (especially the rhymed poems), or at least a sense of the ability to play with language, that i love and that i think a lot of people don’t really realize existed in medieval literature (or think only chaucer was capable of it.)

however! the works from the alliterative revival that combine alliteration and end-rhyme are some of my favorite poems in the english language (for a permissive definition of “english”), because they tend to develop these incredible complex, elaborate structures of rhyme and meter. so there are two poems in this category that i’m going to talk about, and i can go for…a long time on the second one. i’m not really going to bring up sir gawain on its own much more because, no room, but it’s really one of my favorite arthurian works, in part because of the alliterative verse, in part because i just love the figure of the green knight and the awful castle hautdesert threesome setup; it’s also one of the more accessible examples of the core of the genre (at least to me—i bounced really hard off of malory, the mabinogion is fun but deeply weird in a way that might put off beginners, and i think chrétien de troyes really depends on how you’re introduced—english translations of french arthuriana tend to be prose translations, which is a whole different post but suffice it to say i don’t think they work.)

first is the three dead kings, which is an expansion on the “as you are so i once was / as i am so shall you be” type of memento mori motif that was pretty common at the time; three kings on a boar hunt run into three corpses who identify themselves as their ancestors and tell them to stop fucking around and take death seriously. so, thematically—i think memento mori art and literature is a lot of fun, in general; the combination of the focus on life’s transience with macabre and often enthusiastically ghoulish imagery—

Lo, here the wormus in my wome — thai wallon and wyndon! Lo, here the wrase of the wede || that I was in wondon! (the three dead kings, att. john audelay, c. 1426, lines 98–99)

—and the vision of life still continuing after death and among the dead, not necessarily solely in the sense of the resurrection but in a community of the dead on earth who speak to and concern themselves with the living, it’s just very fun. (afterlives by nancy mandeville caciola is an absolute blast on that front, by the way.) the three dead kings is also structurally complex in a really enjoyable way: it’s not bob-and-wheel (which you see very famously in sir gawain, the little two-word bob and four-line abab wheel at the end of each verse), but the five-line cdccd bit that i’d call a sort of wheel; and then the main body of each stanza has this very fun abababab scheme where the a- and b-words still half-rhyme with each other. from the stanza i quoted above, you get “fynden — fondon — lynden — Londen — byndon — bondon — wyndon — wondon”. i think it plays very well with the meter.

aside from that, i love the imagery of it; it ranges from, like i said, almost comically grotesque—the dead king whose legs are like leeks wrapped in linen, the worms wallowing and winding in the womb (interesting word choice, also)—to this very sere, wintry atmosphere; the last stanza has a half-line about the “red rowys of the day,” the red daylight, that i just love. and i’m a big fan of the way that, kind of like sir gawain in miniature, the three dead kings opens with this celebration of chivalric performance that’s suddenly pulled askew by the intrusion of supernatural—or, like, really, the most natural; what’s more normal than death, or than cyclical renewal?—forces.

the second poem is pearl. (the linked translation is not my favorite; simon armitage has a facing-page one that’s pretty good, but my favorite overall is marie borroff’s (rip), who also did my favorite sir gawain.) i’m going to do my best not to just go on and on about pearl for ages, because this post is already very long, but it’s also, i think, one of my favorite poems, period. its structure is very hard to talk about briefly, because the way that it’s built is integral to its subject. in brief: 101 stanzas, each of 12 lines in abababab-bcbc rhyme, divided into 20 cantos (the 14th canto has 6 stanzas, the rest 5), for a total of 1212 lines. within each canto, the first and last line of each stanza repeat these linking words and phrases (except the first line of each canto, which does so to the final line of the canto preceding, and the final line of the poem, which paraphrases the opening line.) this is all because pearl is in part about heavenly geometry, the square/cube of the heavenly city (12 furlongs on a side, filled with 144,000 maidens) and the circle/sphere of the pearl, and the way that those two shapes are interposed on each other—there’s a lot of structural/behind-the-scenes numerology and geometry to talk about, but like…i won’t right now. it’s also, in the poem itself, something that can’t fully be talked about—

An-under mone so great merwayle No fleschly hert ne myȝt endeure, As quen I blusched upon þat bayle, So ferly þerof watȝ þe fasure. I stod as stylle as dased quayle For ferly of þat frelich fygure, Þat felde I nawþer reste ne trauayle, So watȝ I rauyste wyth glymme pure. For I dar say wyth conciens sure, Hade bodyly burne abiden þat bone, Þaȝ alle clerkeȝ hym hade in cure, His lyf were loste an-under mone. (pearl, “gawain poet,” c. 1370–1390, lines 1081–1092)

briefly—the narrator sees the heavenly city and nearly dies on the spot, only protected by the fact that this is all taking place in a dream-vision. borroff translates a bit of that as:

As a quail that couches, dumb and dazed, I stared on that great symmetry Nor rest nor travail my soul could taste, Pure radiance so had ravished me.

like…i love that. so much of pearl is about mortal and divine perception, about the unknowability of death and the depth of grief and the final breakdown of the consolatio as a literary-philosophical genre, and about the way that the dead who have transcended death and come out the other side are residing because of that transcendence in a fundamentally alien sphere of cognition, marked out by the impossible-to-withstand radiance of the heavenly city.

but what pearl is about-about, it’s generally agreed, is the death of the narrator’s young daughter. she is the pearl who he lost; grieving her, he falls asleep in a garden and has a dream. in this dream, he wakes up in a fantastical garden or forest, divided by a river, and on the other side of that river is a beautiful young woman who identifies herself, and who the narrator identifies, as the “pearl”. the rest of the poem is a back-and-forth between the narrator and the pearl-maiden, which is largely him asking questions and her explaining biblical parables to him. but describing the conversation as that really does it an incalculable disservice, because what it is is, on the one hand, a grieving parent asking these very human, tender questions of his lost child—are you really her? why did you have to go? where are you? are you happy where you are?—while the child offers only these very stern, cold rebukes—þou most abyde þat He schal deme—and abstruse explanations of the parable of the vineyard; and on the other hand, someone who has been made greedy and grasping and willfully uncomprehending in his grief, refusing to understand that the child he lost is happier where she is now, and that she can be happier there, and that he cannot join her before his decreed time. and he’s not at fault for being that way, but he’s thinking in ways that are fundamentally limited by the mortal realm that he can’t yet exit and she’s thinking in ways that are incomprehensible to people who haven’t also undergone the same apocalyptic, in the word’s sense of “unveiling” (but also, i mean, she’s in the heavenly city), reorientation of thought and being. it’s a very tender poem that i think also manages to prefigure some of the staples of eldritch horror.

and i love how the structure plays into that; the alliteration is looser than the three dead kings—there’s basically no caesura (the || that shows up sometimes in three dead kings and is more or less mandatory in old english verse), and sometimes there’s only 2 alliterations to a line, because the lines are shorter, or none at all—but it’s still got these wonderful repetitions of sound across the stanzas, tied into the repetition of the key words at the beginning and end. the whole thing builds up and up and then collapses back onto the beginning, as the narrator gradually believes he’s understanding more and more and then, in his attempt to ford the river before his time, is thrown back into the mortal world; the poem’s like an impossible staircase. it’s this massive crystalline structure enclosing a deeply human core. there is, to my knowledge, nothing else like it. it—and the other works, including sir gawain, attributed to the “gawain poet” on the basis of stylistic similarities—survives in a single manuscript, cotton nero a.x, which fortunately survived the ashburnham house fire in 1731.

to close off on the alliterative revival at large, it fell out of fashion over the 1400s; in england, the chaucerian tradition—end-rhymed iambic pentameter—dominated, and while alliterative-meter poetry still had some currency in the scottish court that ended with james vi/i stuart’s ascent to the english throne and transfer of his court to london. in modern usage, alliteration as its own technique does crop up in poetry—and i’m always happy to see it—but alliterative meter (as in, four-stress lines, or even the looser form of sir gawain or the three dead kings) is much less common and most people encounter it either through translations of beowulf or through some of the poetry in the lord of the rings (from dark dunharrow || in the dim of morning…)

#.ask #anonymous

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missingverse · 6 years

Text

Missing Chapter Four

The train took its sweet time bringing Arnold back to Hillwood, he paced up and down the carriage all the way. Once he left the station he pedaled his bike home as fast as he could, lungs burning and muscles aching but no worse than the rising panic that he was going to get to his house to find Helga was not there.

She would manifest back in the house. She had done that before, he knew. He had a feeling she was there, waiting for him to get back.

But what if she wasn't?

…..

Helga's parents appeared on TV just once, a month into her disappearance. They went through the motions of asking for help bringing their daughter home, but it was hard to feel sympathy for them. Miriam looked even more out of it than usual, yellow in the face, slurring her words, staring vacantly into the camera. Probably sedated with more than liquor.

Bob, though...

Bob didn't look like a grieving father. He looked angry, not distraught. He gritted his teeth and let his wife do the talking, clenching his fists in full view of the camera. When a journalist asked if there was any chance Helga had tried to get in contact, he huffed through his teeth and looked away. That moment was when roughly half of America decided Bob Pataki was a murderer.

They got a hard time in the aftermath. Cranks from online crime communities regularly turned up on their doorstep demanding that Bob confess. Helga's sister dropped out of her senior year of college because people kept asking her about her father. Miriam stopped going outside, and the amount of glass bottles found in the trash doubled.

Nobody shopped at the beeper store (which was by now a general electrical goods store where most kids got their first phone, but not anymore) and gradually Bob stopped going to work. The store remained locked up, until it was broken into, thousands of dollars of merchandise stolen and the outside coated with red paint. Someone had crudely scrawled the words WHERE IS SHE across the placard.

They stuck it out for a long time; Bob had insurance, he had the store cleaned up but he didn't reopen. They got their groceries delivered and put up with the stares and whispers when they did venture outside. But after a while it got too much for them. When Bob's car was stolen and found burned out outside the store, they packed up and left Hillwood. Nobody bothered to find out where they had gone, and although online sleuths tried to puzzle it out the remaining Patakis were largely forgotten.

…..

He tossed his bike carelessly under the stoop, ran up the stairs with a cursory greeting to his Grandpa and threw open his door, half-convinced Helga wouldn't be there...

...she was. Looking no worse for wear, just a little sulky.

“I don't know what happened....” she began. “I...”

She was abruptly cut off when Arnold crossed the few feet separating them and pulled her into his arms. He held onto her tight, just to make sure she was still there. She felt solid enough, but he squeezed her hard, just in case.

In elementary school she had been taller than him. Now her head fit neatly in the spot under his chin where his neck met his head. There was something reassuring about that.

She stood there and let him hold her for who knows how long, before gently prying his arms off of her and stepping back.

“You should sit down,” she told him, and sure enough his legs did feel like they were buckling under him. “Did you bike all the way back?”

“No,” he told her breathlessly. “I just hurried back....we're not doing that again.”

“Okay,” she agreed. She was looking at him like he had gone slightly mad, and maybe he had.

After catching his breath, he went downstairs for dinner. He renewed his promise to his Grandpa to check the pipes (he didn't need to, pipes were fine, Helga just liked tapping on the walls). As he chewed a hard lump of lukewarm meatloaf he puzzled out what to do next.

She reacted to the trees. The hills.

There was a stream in those hills. Wasn't a big one, but it swelled when the weather was bad. And there had been early summer storms the week Helga went missing.

It wasn't a new clue, exactly. He had seen it mooted before on sleuth blogs, along with a topography map of the general area. The stream could have carried Helga's shoe into the drainage ditch if there was enough rainfall. But the stream had been dredged for other clues and nothing else had been found. It was nowhere near big enough for her to have fallen in and drowned, that theory had been thoroughly debunked by professionals and amateurs.

What else is there?

Then a thought struck him; Helga's 'boyfriend.'

…..

Patrick Castle was thirteen, and for the girls who gossiped that was exciting. It was a triumph for any girl to have an older boyfriend, glamorous even. The fact that they weren't actually dating didn't seem to matter. Anyone who asked Helga about it got a derisive snort and a roll of her eyes.

It was curious; when they were nine they were so eager to date, and crushes seemed all important. Arnold's own crushes had lost much of their lustre when he turned ten and realized that dating at that age was kind of ridiculous. Not to mention Ruth was known for dating much older boys, and Lila moved away when her father remarried. She wrote once, he wrote back, and that was it.

Rhonda wanted to date older boys, she talked about it a lot back when she actually talked to people. She seemed angry that Helga had managed to get something she wanted without even trying, and at the same time strangely proud that her 'friend' had this elusive status.

Patrick had been interviewed after Helga went missing, and he denied that they had ever dated. He'd spent time with her because she was on the baseball team, he saw her as a little sister. And in any case he had an alibi for that weekend; he was in Washington State with his family.

…..

“...Castle?” Helga wondered, scratching at a spot above her right eye.

“Ring any bells?” Arnold pushed.

“Sort of,” Helga answered. “We dated?”

“Everyone else thought so. You wouldn't give anyone a straight answer. And he denied it when you went missing.”

“Then we probably didn't,” Helga said, tracing circles on the carpet with her shoeless foot. “Who dates an eleven-year-old anyway? Even I know that's creepy.”

“That's what the peanut gallery says too,” Arnold told her, flicking through a bunch of comments on a blog post about Castle. “That's why he wasn't ruled out as a suspect. Do you have any memories of him?”

“Sort of, they're blurry,” she answered. “I think he walked me home a few times after practice. I can't recall much else.”

“I found his Facebook,” Arnold told her, switching tabs. “He's on a college break, he's working as an assistant coach for the Little League.”

“You're going to talk to him?”

“Worth a shot.”

The Little League practice field was closer than the industrial farm, so he felt less cagey about letting Helga tag along. She hopped into the basket without complaint. They found Patrick Castle in seconds, helping a very small bespectacled girl with her swing.

He was good-looking, Arnold had to admit. Sandy-haired, classically American square-jaw-and-straight -nose-and perfect grin with perfect teeth. Arnold had never seen him at thirteen, but if she was anything like he was at nineteen no wonder the girls had lost their minds.

He looked over at Helga; she was staring at Patrick, frowning slightly and rubbing that spot on her head again. Dimly Arnold wondered if ghosts could get headaches.

“Can I help you?”

Patrick had crossed the field to the bleachers without Arnold noticing, and he jumped. Of course Patrick would notice, he was the only other near-adult watching practice.

“Uh, yeah...” Arnold stammered, caught off guard. “....you're Patrick Castle, right?”

“I am,” Patrick answered amiably. “What can I do for you?”

“It's about Helga Pataki....”

At the mention of her name, Patrick's face clouded over and he turned his back.

“I'm not in the mood for this today,” he called over his shoulder, a hard note to his voice. “Get your kicks some other place.”

“What? No,” Arnold said as he stumbled down the bleachers after him. “I just wanted to ask some questions.”

“They all want to ask questions,” Patrick growled. “Not today. There's kids here. I told the police everything I knew and that info is online. Get it there.”

“Look, I'm not from the web, okay?” said Arnold. “I was a friend of Helga's. I just wanted to know....”

“What?” Patrick turned to face him, fury marring his all-American good looks. “What could you possibly want to know?”

Arnold could see Helga out of the corner of his eye. Why were they there?

“I wanted to know what she was like with you,” Arnold shrugged, helplessly. “Like, was she okay? Was she in trouble? I figured you'd know.”

Patrick's expression softened, and he glanced around at the kids on the field who were watching them now with morbid childish interest.

“Over here,” he said, beckoning Arnold (and by extension, Helga) into the nearby dugout.

When the kids had stopped paying attention and went back to playing baseball, Patrick started talking.

“We never dated,” he began. “I told the police that, and it's true. I wanted to, but she wasn't interested. Said she was too young for me. She was right.”

“Why did you want to date her?” Arnold asked.

Patrick shrugged and smiled.

“She wasn't like any other girl I knew,” he said. “She was different. Special. Real smart, didn't take any bullshit....how could you not fall for a girl like that?”

He might have expected Helga to look pleased with this praise, but she didn't. She just looked sad.

“Hell, I wasn't the only one,” Patrick continued with a rueful laugh. “I was just the one she put up with. We did some stuff together besides baseball. We went to the movies, ice-cream after big games, that kind of thing. I brought her home for dinner a few times. My mom loved her.”

“Sounds like you were dating to me,” Arnold said.

“That's what the police said,” Patrick laughed. “But it wasn't like that. She just seemed like she needed it.”

“Needed it?”

Patrick broke off, looked over the field at the kids pitching and swinging as hard as their half-grown limbs could manage.

“I've been in the Little League since I was ten,” he said. “Junior coach when I was too old to play. This is a good crop of kids this year, but there's always one. See that one?”

He pointed at a little boy wearing a catcher's mitt, skinny and short with a head of unkempt curly hair.

“That's the one that comes to baseball because he's got nowhere else to go,” Patrick said. “There's always one. Helga was that one.”

Arnold blinked, and looked at the boy a little closer until he could see what Patrick was seeing. Mismatched socks and a hole in the collar of his shirt. A head shorter than everyone else. Eyes that were sunken in from lack of sleep.

“Officially we're not supposed to interfere unless we notice something we can report to CPS,” Patrick continued. “We do what we can here, keep an eye on them. 'Course I wasn't old enough to do anything for Helga...but how could I not? I mean, she had friends and all, but she had no-one that treated her like she was special. And she was special.”

Helga was rubbing the spot on her head with increasing irritation.

“All I did was take her out a few times, treat her to things, walked her home after practice. She deserved that much, right?”

“Yes, she did,” Arnold agreed, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

Even Patrick looked like he wanted to cry. But the head coach finally took notice that his junior was shirking, and called him over.

“I suppose, though, it's only the special ones that disappear like that, right?” he finished before walking away.

#hey arnold #hey arnold fanfiction #tw:crime

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