#whats funny is i now have a lot of people i vaguely dislike but cant remember why.

[wolfythewitch]

i have so much rage in me one day i think i will explode. i dont think i know how to forgive as much as i know how to forget

#art #wolfy religious tedtalks #sketch #comic #i have such a huge disconnect with my emotions and i do genuinely think a lot of it ties back to religion #crazy how that happens #whats funny is i now have a lot of people i vaguely dislike but cant remember why. #crazy what happens when you treat forgiveness like an instruction and not a process

[hikari-ni-naritai]

Monogatari is good but also terrible! Senjougahara shouldve gotten with Hanekawa! Theyre made for eachother and goood that sleepover and they just shouldve been gay together... I needed to get that off my chest but now I'm curious, who's your favorite monogatorade girl?

gotta say anon i cant agree with you on this. while i like them together aesthetically their characters are just completely incompatible. monogatari is one of the few anime with a het couple that actually like, put some thought into why theyre together and how they complement each other. senjougahara as a character is closed off and prickly as all hell. she's created a version of herself that drives everyone away to protect herself. you can see this by how she attacks people with school supplies and how her conversational style is ruthlessly insulting. this is canonically a trauma response, and as much as i hate giving credence to a 'damsel in distress' style plot, its often not possible for someone to free themselves from that sort of thing by themselves (despite oshino meme's insistence that people can only save themselves, and nobody can save another). the whole reason senjougahara fell for araragi is because he's the only person to face her and not back down. but more than that, its because his entire personality is his drive to help people no matter how dangerous it is for him. for senjougahara he gets his cheek stapled, for kanbaru he gets obliterated in mortal combat, for tsukihi he also gets obliterated in mortal combat, like hes a guy who doesnt even entertain the thought of letting someone suffer alone when he could do something for them. and senjougahara states multiple times that its because he's that kind of person that she fell for him. and like, of course she had to choose for herself to get better. she had to face her trauma herself, and she continually throughout the series makes decisions to let herself be vulnerable, to stop hurting others, to be kinder. but he's the one who gave her the courage to do that.

meanwhile hanekawa is one of the most passive characters of all time. she doesnt have likes and dislikes, she doesnt have anything driving her except the vague concept of being a good person. in her cat story, she buried the dead cat she found not out of pity for it, but because "its what anyone would do." if senjougahara told her to back off, she would without question. hanekawa by her very design could NEVER do anything for senjougahara. hanekawa could never choose senjougahara because that would mean having a preference, and senjougahara could never choose hanekawa because hanekawa would never try to get close.

HOWEVER. and this is important. senjougahara and araragi have a sort of open relationship where she lets him mess around with other girls as long as it's nothing serious. and i think it would be REASONABLE for her to be allowed to do the same. and i think she DOES this when she showers with hanekawa. BUT THEY COULDVE DONE IT MORE. well. maybe they couldnt have, since hanekawa spends a huge amount of her time abroad and on various missions. but after all that's done, they absolutely should hook up on the reg.

anyway my favorite monogatorade girl..... i have a lot actually. gaen izuko is #1. shes so fucking. unsettling and cute and omniscient. im so so fascinated by her. the fact that they made a character who just goes around saying 'i know everything' (ESPECIALLY as contrast to hanekawa's "i dont know everything, i only know what i know") and then its like. just true?? and it's never refuted?? extremely cool girl shit. other than that, im a huge fan of kanbaru bc she's gay and a really funny character. also a huge fan of her gay basketball rival numachi. also love hachikuji because i find her conversational style incredibly funny. and ononoki is also fascinating to me because of the fact that she doesnt make facial expressions and her voice is super monotone, but shes still very silly and has a good sense of humour. and karen bc of her dedication to good dental hygiene

anyway thanks for the ask anon! nobody talks about monogatari anymore (probably bc i only hang out with lesbians and its an old fanservicey show) and i like getting a chance to talk about it.

#monogatorade

[dill-pickel-the-comic]

I bought 30 CDs for $30

TLDR: Me and some friends went to this record store (I forgot the name) and there they sold packs of CDs by genre for 10 bucks. 10 CDs for $10. I bought 3 of these packs, 1 alt rock, and 1 80s Hard Rock, and 1 new age pack. I honestly thought that this was going to be an ass purchase. I thought I was going to hate most of the songs and projects I bought but I'm 5 albums in and this has been a really fun experience.

Yapping section:

Me and my friends are really into music and have always sorta fetishized the idea of walking into a record store and buying something you've never heard of and listening to it. So this was that idea on overdrive, they way the packs were packages you couldn't even see the covers of the CDs, just the titles. Most of them are into vinyl but personally I think there overpriced compared to CDs. Plus CDs are so human sized, I cant explain what that statement means it just makes sense in my head. I have always been into a variety of music from different ages, and I have a lot of fun just listening to new music. But I don't like just listening to the most popular music a genre has to offer, I want the weird and experimental stuff that people don't talk about. That just made prospect of random bottom of the barrel never sold and pre owned cd packs for cheap so appealing (and why I dumped $30 on them).

I know its dumb to do so but honestly I had only a vague idea of how I was going to actually hear these songs. I had to do a lot of bullshit just to be hear them in the CD forms. I looked up the one's that I have listened to up to this point and most of them are available on Spotify, and if not in some form on YouTube. But I was really suborned about wanting to listen to them in there CD form. Its not hard to get a hold of a CD player or anything, or even expensive to get something to rip the CDs straight onto my computer. My dad used to be really into CDs and said it wouldn't be hard for him to go by my grandma and grandpa's house to go pick his old stuff up (which I might still ask to do). But what I did is grad this old Blu-ray disk reader and connected it to my monitor. The only problem is that I don't have any speakers and had to figure out a way to make the things make noise. After 30 minutes I came to the realization that my monitor actually had a audio input. So I was legit able to plug in my headphones in directly and avoid all the complicated algebra I was doing to listen to some potentially mid Alt Rock.

I don't want to jinx myself because right now all I have been listening to is the 10 alt rock CDs, alt rock being a genre that I actually have some experience with and know I enjoy. Unlike new age, and 80s hard rock which I have never listened to. I expected to have some of these CDs damaged and the pack that I am the most afraid of hating and or not working is new age (which if you don't know was a movement from like the mid 60s to the mid 80s (but mostly focused around the 70s) so damage and disk rot is almost to be expected for these 50+ year old CDs. But hay I am having a lot of fun hearing these projects, and so far I have only disliked one CD.

I want to make comics and post them and I'm thinking of trying out what I want them to be, maybe Ill make some of my more funny takes on these albums into comics. But I like the idea of posting reviews and written first impressions on what I have listened to. I'm going to keep it 100, I'm a lazy and inconstant artist and I don't like binding myself to one medium. Writing (on a small scale) is a lot faster than painting or drawing so despite my name you should probably going to be doing 98% blob posts.

#blog #music #story

[relaxxattack]

(i dont care to do c! tags bc theres. so many characters. if i dont say cc! then im talking abt the characters) normally i am not one to think much about the syndicate bc outside of ranboo being there to protect tubbo the syndicate Frustrates me a bit but. if phil starts to realize just how fucked over tubbo got by schlatt being erased from the narrative (and especially how shittily techno has treated tubbo) then i really hope they lean into like. the fact that the syndicate may soon turn into phil, niki, ranboo, and possibly the mystery member (im including mystery member mostly because i think tubbo is on good terms with almost everyone except like. dream, possibly wilbur but we'll see, and like the eggpire ppl but none of them are likely options but it is possible that the mystery member could just be neutral) all like. wanting tubbo to be safe and phil is *just* reasonable enough that i think he'd realize how unfair it is for tubbo to have been subjected to so much shit just for techno to introduce even more fear and the need to hide in his life

like phil already keeps the bee duo marriage and michael a secret, he lets tubbo come over and while of course its mostly from the semi lore vibes phil seems vaguely fond of tubbo already (i dont think phil and tubbo have father/son vibes tho, more just like. tubbo is just That Kid that adults cant help but adore even though the kid will rob them of house and home. slightly amused elder watching a tiny fucking gremlin make sex jokes and talk about soviet russia), niki from what i remember still cares about tubbo (probably because she cant redirect any anger towards him without realizing how unjustified it would be kcnsks she can come up with excuses for hating tommy but tubbo didnt do anything that niki has a problem with outside of her maybe having a bad view on butcher army if she knows about it?), ranboo is. ranboo. i dont need to clarify. and then like said theres a very low possibility of the fifth member *disliking* tubbo or being unable to sympathize with him.

people talk a lot about how techno needs to lose in a way that he cant easily come back from without introspection and i think while the rest of the syndicate standing up for tubbo would increase technos grudge against tubbo initially its also like. something that i think would maybe force techno to see tubbo as a person because now theres nothing techno can box (haha gettit. tubbox tubbo in a box tubbo getting boxed into certain roles by people who refuse to let him out techno esp doin this teehoo) tubbo into that wouldnt just. acknowledge that tubbo is a person. hes not apart of the government anymore, not planning any failed revolution, the most negative title to his name is being one of the nuke makers but even then thats out of fear and safety and techno knows that. otherwise tubbos current crimes are nothing thats special to tubbo (like. stealing and searching for evidence in ppls homes and stuff, the latter of which techno doesnr even know about). right now tubbos a husband, a father, a friend, a kid, *ex*-government, a person. and just.

i think that with how much foreshadowing about tubbos execution no longer being a secret amongst the witnesses and tubbo himself and soon being something that people close to techno like phil and ranboo know about as well (in that i want phil to learn that techno did it and for ranboo to learn about it in general bc hes just biased enough for tubbo and just smart enough that i think even if somehow he wasnt told who did it he could figure it out), and with the fact that tubbos lore has been confirmed to now be something thats actively going to be played into? i think (or at least hope) that it might spur phil and techno into finally seeing tubbos side of the story (and probably also get into the possibility of tubbo opening up to tommy and ranboo but i do think realistically either tubbo will try to play it off/not truly open up about how much its effected him or tubbo will at first shut down or go into complete repression mode, especially if phil and ranboo get the story from other people rather than tubbo himself [but god do i hope they confront tubbo himself]. either those two or tubbo talks about his emotions through fucking snapping at something/someone like he did at quackity when reminded of his execution, which as long as its Not tommy or ranboo ill absolutely be cheering on him for)

which is all a very convoluted way of saying uhh. *grabby paws at the ccs currently involved in the arc of clearing up personal misconceptions about l'manberg (and especially tubbos involvement and how easily those around him judged him based off of their versions of the story)* tubbo lore? tubbo healing tubbo talking about his problems? characters learning to see him as a person and recognizing how traumatized he is and that hes not uneffected but actively repressing any effects? please? (also ending note as the cherry on top of this essay that im sorry for dropping into your inbox: im kind of glad that tommys healing arc and tubbos possible healing arc are going to happen at similar times but are still separate. something something its nice to see acknowledgement that tommy and tubbo wont heal in the same way and arent going to know how to help each other but theyre still going through it together. their arcs are intertwining without removing their individuality and as someone w major co-dependency issues its kind of nice idk. you can be there for someone and still acknowledge that you have your own things to go through too and that while you wont be alone you shouldnt force those around you to support you. the bench trio are all helping each other out of free will and genuine love for each other while still realizing they have some problems they arent ready to talk about yet that arent forced to the open because theyre all doing their best to handle each other with care and i just. bench trio my beloveds. the kids are alright.) -🎭🎪 (also as the actual end note if theres ever a need to refer to me as something other than the emojis mask or eyez works fine but the idea of my name being the emojis is also Very Funny to me so do what you will)

im working on my aperture camera college assignment rn and my brain is sort of fried so i dont have an intelligent answer, but i got the happy chemical reading this.

yeah. i think we all know here that my favorite character is tubbo, and i REALLY hope we get him addressing anything that’s happened to him in canon. pretty much all of what you said sounds very good. *grabby hands* spare tubbo lore? please? spare tubbo lore?

perhaps during the three weeks wilburs off in the fucking woods (/lh) we could have a the-others-find-out-what-happened-to-tubbo-(and in DETAIL)-arc. pleaseeeeeeeee and ty

#🎭🎪 #lol #anonymous

[evilform]

hmmmmmmm hmmm pordle for that hyperfix ask game

📃 what is the plot of your hyperfixation? and is it a movie, game, show, etc?  

GOGOoohohohohoooo VIDEO GAME

umm uhhhhh portal Lesbian simulator. get thrown into a facility ran by a murderous supercomputer, get a funny gun that shoots holes in the fabric of space, forced to test, rinse, repeat, escape, KILL, portal.... 2! Now With Men

📌  how did you find your hyperfixation?

i have no idea. im not even being funny about this ive been into portal since 2012 and i have 0 recollection of being 7 years old. i do remember i pirated portal 2 though

✨  what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

bobot :] gay bobot. all jokes aside i have written paragraphs to my wife about aperture and how just.. awful of a company it was (though it definitely isnt worse than black mesa by any means, or better than it) and my feelings about cave johnson and caroline and glados and chell and wheatley a

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

the wheatley betrayal scene has been burned into my mind for almost 9 years but i wouldnt say its my ‘favorite’.

i think my favorite scenes from portal would be... the entire portal boss fight against glados in the first game, the part where he kills you, the entire glados reawakening scene, and honestly not a scene but just the entirety of the old aperture chapters. its such an interesting place

FUCK FUCK I JUST CAME BACK TO THIS QUESTION I DO HAVE A FAVORITE SCENE. THE CORE TRANSFER SCENE. It lives in my brain rent free and i have a lot of trauma projection onto glados with that but im trying to keep this as lighthearted as i can for portal so uhm. i will not bring that allegory up

🎶  if your hyperfixation has songs/an ost, what is your favorite song from it?

(grumble grumble) Power Mad. but honestly the entire portal 2 ost fucking rocks i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE VAGUELY RHYTHMIC NOISE!!!!!!!!!! oh also robots ftw

💕  tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

One..? Ouegh..... GLaDOS (and by proxy caroline). anything i could say about this woman has been repeated 50 times by the lesbians in the portal fandom and honestly. good for us. good for us

runner ups are of course chell, space core and doug rattmann

💔  tell us about one of your LEAST favorite characters and why you dislike them.

this one is actually really hard. like do i dislike wheatley? do i hate him as a person? Yes? but do i hate him as a CHARACTER? do i hate him as a VILLAIN? no. i actually think he is brilliantly written to be awful. and thats about as much wheatley apologism as i will give you people

🏳‍🌈  do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

lesbian glados/chell..... (muttering) mlm wheatley

also i think glados is autistic and wheatley has adhd (isnt he coded?)

🍀  do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation?

hmmm i used to consider myself a glados kinnie. just thought that was interesting to mention.

(sorry for the weird formatting tumblr doesnt wanna just put a regular paragraph break on this i suppose)

doug rattman is one of my biggest comfort characters. same neurodivergence :heart:

💎  are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

beta glados had arms. that is all

💢  what do you NOT like about your hyperfixation? is there something you would want to change about it?

not to sound like a major loser but i dont think i can.. readily pick out any flaws right off the bat? i dont want a sequel or anything either. OH OH wait i have an answer i wish chell wasnt whitewashed in the lab rat comic artwork </3

there’s probably more i could complain about but i cant remember right off the bat. thank you zane i always LOVE revisiting this franchise and thinking about how long ive known it

#long post #transalyxvance

[filthyjanuary]

I've never seen an episode of supernatural all I see is what's on your blog and each and every day I become more confused about the writing of the show and why people enjoy it :l

okay well first off i am SO sorry you have to see me like this jknbuvgyuhjn i cannot believe im spnblogging in 2020 like im 15 again but things happen i guess.

second of all, the thing to know about supernatural is.... i think, for general audiences, it is an average-to-good show. it's not Bad. It's not Beloved and/or Acclaimed. objectively, i think is also probably the most balanced view of the show and is also probably what the cw and/or people who worked on the show see it as. it lasted 15 years because it consistently pulled in reliable numbers for the cw and grabbed a lot of demographics. like i know the tumblr bubble skews perceptions but, people of all ages, genders, sexualities watched and enjoyed supernatural, yes even to the very end. most people are also not looking at supernatural with the hyperfocused lens that tumblr is and that’s like... okay. those fans aren’t any less relevant or important. if only tumblr was watching supernatural, i promise it would’ve been cancelled like at least 7 years ago.

the spn *fandom* is interesting because like one, no one is watching the same fucking show. like we all watched the same episodes but like this fandom cant even agree on like...basic facets of canon, let alone digging into complex meta. people’s views of characters actions and motivations skew wildly. things one side of the fandom considers nearly canon are like essentially viewed as ooc on other sides of the fandom. you love and hate all the characters and everyone is always about to start swinging on everyone else. you have to simultaneously juggle the ideas that the writers — and for the record this show has had four showrunners and like a billion individual writers who all see and interpret it slightly differently — are brilliant and the writers legitimately are both stupid and bad at their jobs. you have to turn your brain off in terms of continuity because they retcon their own lore every 15 seconds. this isn’t even getting into the ship wars, the boundary crossing, the weird invasiveness , etc., etc., etc. supernatural’s writing is sometimes incredible, sometimes terrible, but generally pretty average, but it had a charm (ESPECIALLY IN SEASONS 1-3) that reeled you in, even if you hated the genre.

when a show is on this long, i think the fans (rightly so) will look back and dig in and get nitpicky on things they wish were covered with more care. things that the show obviously did not decide to write with the intention of addressing/grappling with later on. case in point: dean’s drinking habits. with the exception of like... season 7 where they DO address it, dean drinks a lot as a feature of his character with little to no consequence. he doesn’t get drunk. he’s always driving. it might as well be water. the writers don’t intend for that to be more than just a facet of what makes him a rough and tough action hero even though logically, he should be drunk all the time. even w/ interviews w/ the cast/crew, it’s clear the writers don’t think the fans will care and/or notice a lot of things. they do, because well, they’re invested. the fandom extrapolates because that’s what fandom does, but i really don’t think the writers connect those dots because dean’s drinking /isn’t/ a problem until they need it to be. because spn has gone on so long, it has more instances of things like this than other shows, and our cultural contexts have also evolved a lot along the way from 2005 to 2020. so again, there’s a lot to work with. i don’t really think that’s so much a reflection of the quality of the show than it is a reflection of how long it’s been on and the way society has changed since then. dean not knowing what myspace is is funny for two completely different reasons in 2005 and in 2020, for example.

my own personal opinion is, there’s a lot to enjoy about supernatural. seasons 1-5 are legitimately good tv. for all their flaws, they have a very clear aesthetic and tell a story that is well-structured and relatively coherent in terms of themes and continuity. they set up complex characters and relationships and everyone’s motivations make sense and that arc wraps on a tragic but ultimately narratively consistent and thus fulfilling point. of course, there’s stuff i personally like and dislike but separating my emotions from it, it’s very good. i think if anything, i would recommend anyone watch those five seasons and then decide whether they want to continue or not. if you don’t, you’ll end on a note that feels complete. it’s what i’m doing w/ my friend elaine, currently, actually. if she decides she wants to continue after 5, we’ll do that, but for now we’re just vibing in season 1. after that point, i think if you decide you care enough about the characters to push through wildly inconsistent writing, there’s stuff to enjoy in seasons 6-15, but the quality and particularly the consistency dips and this is also where the retconning really starts to...intensify. it’s also where the mythos of supernatural grows bigger than the show itself, which i think was always supernatural’s downfall. the crew started caring more about the whims of the fandom and frankly the fandom became more of the story than the show, and that’s how you get people piecing together what supernatural is based on out of context gifsets that skew perceptions wildly and get Supernatural Fandom™ which... frankly, in my opinion, changed fandom culture as a whole for the worse, like yes it’s a huge, powerful and often memeable behemoth but also... the way it changed creator-fan interactions is something we’re going to be unpacking for a long time. i think had the writers tuned out fandom wars and internet yelling and strived to tell a story that made sense and was well constructed to /them/, we wouldn’t be here and seasons 6-15 could’ve found a way to be as beloved as the first third of the show. i’m personally of the opinion that being a fan of something, for better or for worse, does not entitle you to part of it’s creative process. it doesn’t become a collaboration, and the door is always there if you get to the point where you want to leave. i think supernatural getting too caught up in its own fandom and balancing all these conflicting interests is ultimately what made the last 10 seasons, and particularly the back third of the show oftentimes flounder. the finale chaos, in my opinion, happened because they tried to please everyone by keeping too many things vague so people would have room to play in their own sandboxes and round out the story the way they wanted to see it and thus ultimately, a lot of things were left in the air and so for many people, the closure they were hoping for just wasn’t there.

i dont know how this became a long and scattered collection of thoughts but tldr, people enjoy supernatural because at the end of the day, it’s an enjoyable show and i think the more you stew in a fandom bubble, there’s more to get worked up about. which is fine. i like that fandom engages in complex conversations that the show won’t grapple with, but that’s not for everyone and i don’t think the fact that we have these conversations is necessarily an indictment of the show’s overall quality.

#asks #spn #long post #** #Anonymous #for the record #i liked the finale and i watched the show for 10 years of my life on and off because sam and dean winchester are two of the most interestin #interesting* characters and also have the most interesting dynamic i've ever see #seen*

[pjsta]

Ok but a lot of people will never fully understand just how important Ryan having dyspraxia is to me so here's some reasons for you:

- It's a hidden disability most people have never even heard about, so here's to educating them!!

- As people don't know it exists, representation is scarce

- Seriously i knew maybe two characters with dyspraxia before at the most

- and thats out of everything I've ever watched/read

- I don't even remember who one of them is but I'm sure I knew two

- and they dont really get into how it affected the characters either

- I now have a third character to whom I can relate whoooo

- Ryan seems to dislike talking about it bc of the reactions of people around him and honestly often times same

- First things first it is impossible for me, a dyspraxic, to condense the entirety of my dyspraxia down into a 1 minute summary and it often makes people awkwardly go oh... ummm????

- like i have a vague script but do i stick to it? Nope.

- seriously though i love that we got to see how different people react to his dyspraxia bc they were all so real and realistic

- He feels like he's letting his nan down (he's not but i feel this)

- But Grace was amazing and so supportive with him without trying to push so hard that he feels even more like a let down and she told him you already make me proud and im cry bc that is how you support and grace is the best fail to change my mind

- Graeme often treats it like he's using it as an excuse

- remember the "oh you going to blame this on dyspraxia too"

- seriously graeme, f u for that line

- i may think it myself often but it is Not. Cool. to say and it hurts like hell

- also he kinda seemed to treat him like a child sometimes and thats bad enough for neurotypical teenagers but pls dont bc we especially really dont need that

- Yaz knowing about it but not seeming to really know how to treat him??

- she occasionally seemed to think 'how should i treat him in this specific scenario'

- surprise surprise treat him like you would anyone else unless otherwise is said duh

- but i did like her making sure he would be ok with the climbing the ladder bc theres a difference between treating someone differently and actively making sure they're comfortable doing a thing

- (also fyi sloped ladders are mostly alright. Vertical ladders that go very very high can go die)

- yes riding a bike can be a real struggle for us dyspraxics

- if i didnt have the support and practice i did would very likely be in the same boat

- theres a reason why i dont trust myself on a bike on roads

- like yeah nope not a good plan

- ryan obviously not liking this aspect of himself is so relatable bc there're honestly times when i hate it too

- sometimes its just kinda there and other times its like i could really do without this pls go away and to see ryan do the same is just yh same

- i love that he said like despite this im actually a capable person but at the same time i hate it bc i know just what it feels like to know im a capable person but not always feel like it bc i cant always do things like everyone else can

- also!! Representation!!

- ik i said this earlier but the fact that we *actually* get representation for once and in a show as huge as doctor who?? THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!

- im really so so happy about this omg

- also it's dyspraxia foundation's dyspraxia awareness week so it's great timing too

- im so proud of ryan though

- he keeps going and keeps trying and im so proud

- you got this ryan

- i really hope we can maybe explore more of how it affects him

- its a thing that affects everyone differently so it would be good if they can show a massive variation and there's seriously so much they could do with this

- like stuff like messy incomprehensible hand writing bc motor control skills hate us

- falling over bc suddenly all balance has disappeared and centre of gravity does not exist for us so whoops over we go

- balancing on tiptoes bc we know we're just gonna fall over but we're going to feel good doing it

- maybe a bit of how it affected him at school

- like there were times when yaz seemed to remember from when they were kids and hes just different enough for it to be noticeable and not just with coordination difficulties but maybe thats just me seeing these things

- slower processing skills lead to not getting things down enough in the classroom which leads to gaps in our knowledge!!

- I had a slope and a funny cushion at school to try to help my writing and focus?? So little gadgets (fidget cube anyone??) to try to help him

- good time management is not a thing. What do you mean an hour has passed in five minutes or five minutes has taken a year??

- ryan trying to get his thoughts out in a comprehensible order and just ending up in a tangled mess of stammer, words and thoughts that worked in his head but didn't come out right at all and oops but you guys know what i mean right??

- coordination working for a while then suddenly just up and disappearing

- ryan being given instructions and needing them written down all the time bc error 404 short term memory does not exist is a thing and no i cant remember this thing you literally just said what??

- ryan organising sthg in a way that everyone else goes wait what why but to him makes perfect sense

- the evil that is shoelaces

- maybe aversion to extreme tastes?? Bc thats a thing

- Distractions! Distractions! Distractions!

- showing that dyspraxia is not all about being clumsy and coordination there are so many ways in which it can affect us

- also mental health can really be affected by it bc we live in a world not built for us and when people dont believe it exists or dont support us in it very well it can be very damaging

- *something goes wrong*: flail and freeze

So yeah, Ryan being dyspraxic means so much to me

Thank you, Doctor Who

#ryan sinclair #doctor who #thank you doctor who #so so much #dyspraxia #dyspraxia awareness week 2018 #dyspraxic #ryan sinclair is dyspraxic #and im so so proud of him #you have a great time in time and space for us #you deserve it #im going to be yelling about this for the entire series #just so you know #we almost never get representation let me live #doctor who series 11 #(ive been trying to write this all night here we are finally)

[mspaintbunny]

Oh! Please! 4, 5, 14, 16, 17, 23, 30, 33, 35, 48, 49, 69, 72, 73, 76, 84, 87, 88, 89, 91, 95, 96, 98, 99, 100!!!

dear lord thats a lot of em

4. First kink tried? iunno does spanking count? that sounds real vanilla but i guess it aint for a "first kink"

5. First time doing oral? i guess my first time doing anything, still one of my fave things to do, i might've lost practise tho

14. Do you send nudes? Do you like receiving them? to answer both: yeah, but i really gotta trust you to send you anything spicier than what you'll get in this blog

16. Spit or swallow? swallow! no need to make a mess

17. Cut or uncut dicks? no preference, but foreskin is funny, so it wins out

23. What is too big for you to take? that i'd like to find out

30. Where would you most like to have sex? skipping this one, really cant think of anywhere but a bed right now thfyftdgrthyhtdrg

33. What’s your biggest kink? praise and overstimulation

35. Are you okay with name calling in bed? yeah i love petnames

48. Favourite Sex Toy? dont own any 😔 unfortunately

49. What do you masturbate to? most of the time? to nothing at all. other times... to vague horny thoughts... about certain someones... and the things id like those someones to do to me...

69. Do you finger yourself? sometimes, but its always more fun if someone else does it to me or if im doing it to someone else doing it to myself is awkward, i really need a toy for that

72. Favourite position? legs on shoulders, but imma be trying more stuff in the future, so it might change

73. How often do you do unprotected sex? as often as i dont feel like having penetration happen lmao

76. Do you like/dislike/love/hate cum? me like ^v^ wishing i could produce the stuff again, i've seen other trans girls who regain the ability AND it looked like i did so as well for a short while, but i guess something has to tick in my head for it to happen

84. Do you trim, shave or leave pubic hair untouched? How do you prefer partners? shave certain areas to make it look pretty, shave completly when it gets too unbearable, no preference on partners

87. What do you wear to bed? sweatpants and a t-shirt, sometimes only one of the two, switch the sweatpants for shorts on the summer sometimes

88. Do you eat ass? Do you like having your ass eaten? yes and yes!

89. Try to describe how orgasm feels for you. well they might feel a variety of ways: warm, tingly, underwhelming, like flowers, explosive... idunno they're its own thing, hard to find words for it when you're your only point of reference in how things feel

91. Do you name your genitalia? i call it my lady parts sometimes, but nah i do name my boobs tho, they're lucy and anabel

95. Would you give somebody a sex toy as a gift? i mean yeah, if i knew they wanted it and we could try it out together...

96. What’s the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen? remember that one viral video people would send to eachother in the early-ish internet like "hey check out this link" and there were variations of it but it was always really disgusting stuff cuz there you go never saw that much porn to give you an actual answer

98. Ever used something that isn’t made for sex in the bedroom? yeah i tried to use a hairbrush's handle on myself once, it was a very tantalising shape, didnt go far in tho

99. Have you ever walked in on somebody or been walked in on? nah

100. Do you have any friends you’d sleep with? yeah, a couple of em in this app ;3c

#more anons should be brave like you and just send me a shit ton of these numbers god bless your soul #ask

[pelle-lavellan-a]

Pelle and Kane Banters: Set 1

You Just Forgot...

Kane: So do the Dalish learn the trade tongue as a second language or do other dalish elves not know common?

Pelle: Actually you have it backwards. We learn the trade tongue first, elvhen is something most of us know just a few phrases of.

Kane: But...you’re elven

Pelle: Yes I am

Kane: I’m so confused.

Pelle: It’s like this. We sort of...forgot our culture so the lot of us only remember small things

Kane: You just….forgot…?

Pelle: Some of us study lore and the language in further depth, like apprentices and Keepers.

Kane: ...I’m still stuck..you forgot…

Pelle: maybe that was a bad way to word it

Kane: And I thought I was bad at studying...you just forgot everything Maker’s tears….

Pelle: *sighs*

Varric : Let it go Peaches.

I’d Be a Great Elf

Kane: I bet I could be a good elf

Pelle: I beg your pardon?

Kane: You know like the Dalish, like you

Pelle: ..how so?

Kane: I mean the whole running around in the woods doing wild things and hunting and things and trying jog your memory all the time. Dalish stuff.

Pelle: …..*sighs*

Bull: *near topples over in laughter*

Sera: You forgot the part where you take off your shoes and whine about that memory can’t jog

Pelle: ...funny

Pelle: you know there’s more to it than going barefoot and--

Kane: you’d probably do really well in a Circle too Pelle! You love reading and stuff and you’re so precise! It’d be perfect for you

Pelle: Kane do you enjoy the taste of foot?

Sera: *snorts*

Kane: ...what? Why?

Pelle: You seem to love putting it into your mouth

Kane: I don’t understa--wait HEY!

Why Are You So Violent??

Kane: You’re awfully comfortable with fighting people Pelledir.

Pelle: Pelle

Kane: I’m sorry?

Pelle: My name is Pelle but continue

Kane: Oh! I’m sorry! You’re a doctor right?

Pelle: I was yes

Kane: I just...you seem awfully comfortable using that knowledge to decapitate people.

Pelle: I broke his arm not dismember him

Kane: Doesn’t change that you seem so down with fighting and killing people

Pelle: If you’re getting at something I would appreciate if you would just say it.

Kane: I’m just curious how. The healers I knew in my Circle were so appalled by violence, they couldn’t even kill a small spider.

Pelle: I don’t know I’m dalish?

Kane: are the Dalish really that violent?

Pelle: No! I mean you get used to it.

Kane: But you just said.

Pelle: Did I say the Dalish were violent? You learn to defend yourself from violence Kane not be violent. You take what you get and if people prod you with sticks you simply learn to throw stones. It’s not complicated.

Kane: ...I’m sorry

Pelle: *groans*

Now Take It Off Your List

Kane: Pelledi--Pelle?

Pelle: yes?

Kane: you ever had sex?

Pelle: yes why

Kane: what does it feel like?

Pelle: I cant tell you

Kane: why?

Pelle: it's different for everyone

Kane:...oh

Pelle: If you want to know go do it

Kane: .....um

Pelle: I'm joking

Kane: I guess that means you've kissed someone too?

Pelle: yes I have

Kane: can you tell me what that feels or is that different too?

Pelle: smooches Kane something like that

Kane: !!!! you kissed me!!

Pelle: I did

Kane: YOU HAVE A LOVER

Pelle: you're not a threat don't worry

Kane: WHY DID YOU KISS ME??

Pelle: You asked me to

Kane: ....

Pelle: Now check that off your list

The Conclave

Pelle: Your brother visited the hold the other day

Kane: Which one?

Pelle: You have more than one?

Kane: Well I assume it wasn’t Milo so was it--oh wait

Pelle: is everything alright?

Kane: yeah..I just forgot that I only have two brothers now and not three. It’s just so weird to think about.

Pelle: I’m sorry to hear that.

Kane: He was at the Conclave, an honor guard.

Pelle: ...oh

Kane: Yeah...Fallon was always pretty good at his job. A shame it put him somewhere like that

Pelle: wait did you say Fallon??

Kane: Yeeeeees? Why???

Pelle: nothing. I just have a vague memory of being chased by a templar who found me snooping around before the discussions and another templar with that name convinced him to leave me alone when I pretended I didn’t speak common. He wasn’t convinced that I was dumb of course but he insisted to his fellow man I was harmless and gave me the time to hide someplace else.

Kane: you mean he helped you?

Pelle: well he didn’t know he did but yes he did

Kane: ah..

Pelle: For what it’s worth he’s probably among the most decent templars I’ve met

Kane: yeah...he was a good brother

Varric: maybe we should change the topic?

Pelle Is Scary

Kane: has it ever occurred to anyone else that the Inquisitor is a little scary?

Sera: Pelle? Pfft! Not even

Blackwall: I can’t say I’ve ever found him to be intimidating

Iron Bull: Depends

Kane: ...you mean...none of you think he’s scary?

All three in unison: Nope

Kane: ...how?

Sera: How could we?

Kane: I watched him break a brute’s arm...he never touched the man. Actually to be more specific I think he tricked the brute into breaking his own arm.

Blackwall: sounds like Pelle

Bull: That’s just good tactics. If you really want to see him get scary, say something stupid and wait for him to hear it. That stare to could paralyze a dragon

Kane: ...I think I’ve seen it

Bull: Maybe. It doesn’t happen often but when it does. Damn.

Kane: ...does he...not like me?

Sera: Nah Pelle doesn’t dislike anyone...well except Vivi but she’s a bitch so

Kane: But I think I saw that face three times this week…

Blackwall:  *laughs* and your pride’s still in tact? Well done.

#Pelle Lavellan #Kane Trevelyan #banters #muse #musings

[jasper-rolls]

i talked about this a bit on twitter but i wanna elucidate on it here so here’s another fucking post about the fucking dream daddy shit because i cant stop myself from being annoyed by the back and forth and misrepresentation and vague posts trying to act like they’re just talking in general when its very obviously about this

strap in cause this is gonna be a long one

there are three points i want to make

1) criticism of media is important and needed, particularly in the realm of discussing representation and creator intent, since its overall purpose is to further discussion and foster overall improvement in future. criticism of a work isn’t always an attack on the people who like it

i mean, we’ve all been there. it sucks to read when someone’s talking down something you like a lot, especially if its something that’s very meaningful to you. it happens to me too - i can’t count the number of times i’ve read an article or essay ripping apart something i love and found it very difficult to disengage my personal feelings from it.

but unless the person making the criticism is specifically going out of their way to say “and all the people who LIKE this thing are fucking gibbering idiots who wouldn’t know good quality if it punched them in the face”, then the criticism isn’t an attack on you personally, and you have to find the place to disengage that emotional attachment and at least tolerate the criticism of the work. you may accept and agree with it or not, but understand that the critic is (probably) not directly attacking you

and raising potential problems on the representation side of the work is important, because it highlights potential problems for people interested in it that they might not have been aware of before, like creator’s personal views influencing development of the work, or unfortunate implications of plot beats within the work

there’s definitely legitimate cause for concern in game grumps involvement with dream daddy. in my personal experience, the grumps aren’t particularly forward thinking in a lot of respects - arin and danny are quick to lapse into bottom of the barrel racist accent humor (particularly with asian characters), or “hey, isn’t being gay kind of weird” straight guy nonsense. the understanding they’ve showcased of lgbt concepts and issues leaves a lot to be desired (last i remember, arin still considered “cisgender” to be a slur despite being told what it actually means)

and every time this is brought up, i see fans saying “oh but they’re better now, they’ve learned!” and i have to say, i still watch them fairly regularly and...they really haven’t! the “progress” is minimal at best, its like watching someone push a boulder up a hill. they haven’t really changed all that much in the last few years to be frank. so the concern with them being involved with, and putting their name on, a game where the focus is on mlm (and has transgender characters) has definite grounding, given how they’ve acted before.

and the cult ending naturally has unfortunate implications - the idea that every character in the game is being tricked into being forever single, their misery being used to fuel some sort of demon...i mean, given how gay people have been treated throughout history and in media, at the very least it’s pretty regressive. you can’t fault someone for reading the transcript and feeling a little sick

the raising and highlighting of these things isn’t a personal attack. it’s overall, to help people make an informed decision, and be aware of the things that aren’t so great - that might be a dealbreaker, on a personal level. criticism is valuable, and useful, and we should recognize it as such

-----------------------------

2) on the opposite hand, EVERYTHING we read, watch, or play is guaranteed to have a problematic element of some sort, and nothing you ever enjoy is perfect. expecting something to conform to a 100% ideologically pure standard is unreasonable and ultimately a fool’s game

my personal favourite game of all time, ever, is killer7. it’s the game that bought suda51 to prominence in the west. it’s a weird blend of first-person shooter, rail shooter, and rpg. the story is outright bizarre, with disorienting visuals and surreal events like a lucha wrestler headbutting a bullet out of midair, a ghostly man wrapped in bdsm gear popping up to give you advice, and giggling zombies that explode on contact

its also got quite a share of shitty moments - a rape scene, the female characters leave a lot to be desired, its got a frankly weird interpretation of a lot of psychological disorders, and a good chunk of the game is dedicated to character development of a pedophile

suffice to say it probably wouldn’t be a big hit with a lot of people here. but does this stuff mean its completely reprehensible, and not worth spending any time with? i did just tell you it’s my favourite game so you can probably guess how i’m going to respond to that rhetorical question. this post is long enough without me spending several more paragraphs explaining to you why i think killer7 is worth giving a shot, so i’m going to skip to the point that this example is illustrating - the things we love, our favourite things, are probably just as, or maybe even more problematic than the things we don’t.

i’m not going to cite any further examples since i don’t know what you, the reader, personally enjoys or loves, but like...i guarantee you, its probably done something pretty shitty with its running time. i’m fairly confident i’ve never read or enjoyed something that didn’t at some point play into some shitty trope about lgbt people, or people of colour, or women - and if didn’t somehow, chances are it’s because it never showed them in the first place, because its focus is on straight, white, cis men, which is, naturally a problem of its own

if you’re willing to shrug off shitty opinions of creators of things you love, or bad tropes and plot elements in things you love, then why is it so different for the things you dislike? to write off dream daddy entirely, because of the involvement of game grumps, and the existence of one bad ending with shitty implications, and ignoring its more positive elements while praising the things you love that have more than likely done shitty stuff too is...frankly ridiculous

it perhaps may not seem like much to you, but dream daddy getting the kind of coverage and attention it has is...kind of a big deal as far as i’m concerned! games with narrative tend to be pretty hostile towards gay men*, so for a game that presents an overall sincere and positive representation of gay men to see this much attention and get to no. 1 seller on steam a significant step forward, i think. it’s not revolutionary, but personally, as a gay man, it means a lot to me, and i know a few other gay men who would feel the same, and that surely counts for something

and as far as killer7 goes, well...waypoint explains it better than i could, but i would just like to say: that pedophile character i mentioned? that part of the game ends with you beating him in a duel so hard, he falls over and gets eviscerated by a machine designed to cut out organs. so it’s not all bad.

-----------------------------

3) (this is the big one) this site has a big fucking problem with virtue signalling 

perhaps its bad of me to assume something of people, but i’m going to go out on a limb and say at least one person immediately closed the tab the moment they read that line, and i wouldn’t blame them, because the problem with saying something like “virtue signalling” is that the alt-right and gamergaters have tried their absolute hardest to make that phrase essentially mean nothing by throwing it at anyone who shares a dissenting opinion of any kind. but despite their efforts, virtue signalling is a phrase that does actually have a meaning, and its the meaning i’m using here

i’m going to take a quick excerpt from hbomberguy’s video on the subject (it’s worth watching, it’s only 10 minutes long and pretty funny)  - “The term was originally coined[...]to decry people who say, ‘I don’t like this thing very much’, in order to feel good about themselves, and then just, vote Labour every few years or whatever and take no stake in actually making things better.”

tumblr (or at least, the part of tumblr i engage with) does this, a LOT. it’s in the smug, one line “uhhhh, yikes, lmao 💅” rebuttals to arguments against the thesis of a given post. it’s in the strawman cartoons and chat posts that cast opponents of the OP as self-contradicting fools. it’s in the “so jot that down” responses, the “i’m side-eyeing everyone who isn’t reblogging this”, etc. etc. everyone has done this. you have probably engaged with this. i definitely have - at least one of my popular posts, if not more is, basically me, doing this thing! to be fair i had no intention those posts being popular, but then one never does, do they?

in the case of dream daddy, it’s “me: y’all:” image edits snarkily demonstrating how they’re SWERVING “that dad dating shit”, chat posts casting defenders points as “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST NEVER CRITICIZE ANYTHING EVER”, posts smugly announcing they’re going to pirate the game just to take money from arin hanson, as if that’s how game development works, and i think it’s what’s led to a huge amount of misrepresentation about this game in particular

i’ve seen people acting like the game grumps are like, directing and writing the game, when, as far as i’m aware, all they did was provide funding and voice acting. and the big thing that really got my goat, was someone describing the cult ending, and listing the implications i’ve already gone over myself, and then saying that this was the game’s true ending

this...literally could not be further from the truth. for starters, no-one has actually gotten this ending from playing through the game naturally. the reason? because you CAN’T. it was found through data-mining - it isn’t accessible through regular play. it’s either content that was cut from the game late in development, or, as the theory goes, intended to be a non-canonical or fake ending added in as halloween DLC come october (given the tone of the whole thing it sounds reasonable to me) which has, unfortunately, now been ruined due to this whole debacle

to do this kind of thing, to describe this as “the true ending” borders on being an out and out lie for the purpose of making dream daddy look way, way worse than it actually is. there’s no justice here, there’s no attempt to inform accurately. it’s “hey, check out how shitty this thing is! i’m good for disliking it, aren’t i? ignore the context, or the fact that i’m literally lying about what this is”

look, okay, i’m getting a little vitriolic - people can make mistakes, misunderstand things, it happens. everyone does it. me too. but this posing, this “look how good and cool i am, for not liking this thing”, it helps nothing at best and actively harms at worse. misrepresenting positions, context, and events for the purpose of satisfying the ego of whoever is making the statement - it helps no-one, except that person, in the most minor and meaningless of ways

i want to be clear - this final bit is just as much a memo for myself as it is for everyone reading this

be critical. don’t take things at face value. read into issues, understand context. get as close to the source of the issue at hand as you can, and determine the truth from there. resist the urge to be smug, detached, and dismiss those who disagree with your position - resist the urge to laugh at them, they may just not know. try and engage them in honest debate. if they resist that, if they don’t want to meet you on an equal footing you are within your rights to disengage.

be strong. support the things you love, and remember where the line is

we can all be better

*i’m not saying that other groups aren’t treated with hostility in games and gaming - trans women certainly get it really, really bad. just personally saying, in my experience as a gay man, the gaming community, and subsequently games with a focus on narrative themselves, have a sort of...special hatred of mlm. not necessarily worse, just...uniquely hostile

[thetotalfailure]

ok i dont feel like randomly bursting into tears ruminating on how stupid i am anymore

but i dont know if thats because ive had coffee and its 3am

which is another problem in of itself

my next counseling appointment isnt for another few weeks

but the first one feels like the dam broke

but it couldve been because of my intense hormone imbalance

but ive felt completely paralyzed

overwhelmed

i havent done anything all week and thats because i end up feeling like i want to cry instead of working so i go do something else which makes it worse

classic. there’s many articles about that online. fascinating. couldnt read them through the tears. why did i even try. i already know what i need to do.

but knowing and doing are two different concepts. ideas. actions.

i havent acted on any thought i have. good and bad. nothing

i dont know what to do at this point

i know venting isnt very productive because then i just end up getting stuck on the negative. and i dont want to shove the negative onto someone else. it helps no one.

its hard being nice to myself.

getting a proper diagnosis would get me on the path to not being like this

taking the steps to get such a thing is. i have so many other things i need to do.

i keep putting everything off.

the cycle

im trying but im not trying but i am trying but its really more like thinking about trying

how do i ask for help

i dont want any help. with doing things that is. i do want help. but not help to get to the help. which is ridiculous of me and why im stuck here not tearing up about it. 

i wish i wasnt like this. but wishing isnt doing. i just need. to. do. something. 

they told me to just sit down and stare at what im supposed to do for only a scheduled time. schedules. right. 

i even failed that. instead of just staring at what im supposed to be doing, i would do other things instead. i couldnt even not do what i wasnt supposed to do. ugh.

be nice to myself? how do i do that.

just turn something crappy in

i know that. i cant even get myself to do that. i cant even crap out the work. and now its late. i dont want to turn in crappy late work. but i know its better than nothing. but now im stuck in this stupid loop about it

its so fucking stupid. i cant use my own advice for myself. be nice to yourself. just turn in something crappy who cares. lower your expectations. dont care about what other people think. 

i dont. but i do. but i dont. but i really do.

i know what im capable of and i want others to know to

my standards for myself are high so i should lower them

but i dont want to seem low to other people

but i will seem low to people if i dont do anything. which is happening because my standards are high and now i have anxiety procrastination

so i should not care what others think and lower my standards for myself and turn in something crappy

oh my god why am i not doing this

and now im upset about me not doing something even after logicking everything out

im

so annoyed and upset and frustrated with myself

i dont think counseling will work but i know its a step in the right direction and maybe ill take the next step into making an appointment with someone else to get me more help because its probably just a chemical imbalance that would be fixed with medication but the complex system to get to that point takes up so much energy that i barely even have any emotional or mental energy to do what i need to do in the present time to get to step 50 and i know what im supposed to do is to break everything up into smaller pieces and delegation is a good step in the right direction but i dont want any help from anyone which is frustrating because there’s nothing wrong with getting help and i really feel like im losing it and i might just drop out of life and just. leave the state or something, not literally leave life. i wouldnt go that far. something silly like live on a farm. 

a decade ago i learned about a lot of psych concepts. rumination. ideas around self fulfilling prophecies and setting oneself up for failure. the big d word. 

although. a decade ago i had a vague unspoken idea about myself then. one i wouldve never allowed to fully voice itself even in my mind. which kind of doesnt make sense but i cant be poetic at the moment. just that. perhaps i wouldn’t exist in a decade.

i guess in a way, the me of the past truly doesn’t exist

but im still here. i exist. i have to deal with what i didnt do a decade ago. which is get help in some way dont get me wrong it isnt making myself not exist. 

it feels kind of awful. a decade of this nonsense with myself. a dance with high standards and letting myself fail from fear of failure. its a dark step in adulthood that i hope many don’t have to experience. the step of realizing that the future exists and i have to plan to exist in it. 

i think ive seen posts like that on this hell site. not having made plans for the future because they didnt expect to make it past a certain age, yet here they are.

it wasnt that . well. i guess in a way it is. i don’t know what i expected. but i certainly didnt plan anything for the future. it was anxiety about it. maybe i spoke about it in a previous entry. 

i hated. well. that might be a little too strong of a word. i disliked my so in hs because all they thought about was the future. their plans for it. their dreams. the little white fence with the 2.5 children and whatnot. i disliked thinking about the future. i enjoyed talking about Dreams for the future. oh lets live together with friends and who will be the DD and who will be the funny roommate and sitcom style adulthood with everyone graduating and having jobs and enjoying life. thats not a semi solid plan for a future. just a dream. something silly friends talk about. nothing serious. why think about what lies in the future when someone didnt really expect to. exist? im not sure what it was i thought. just my vague aspirations. 

wherever the wind takes me.

i still think like that. but i suppose i have a more solid plan/idea for what i want

but its hard. its been easier these days for the dark thoughts to creep back into my brain. easier in the sense that they’ve just taken over completely. why did i think i could do this or that when its easier to just lay in bed all day with the blinds shut and blankets blocking reality from sight. why bother when ive already set myself up to fail. i knew i didnt have to do this. why did i do this. i could just work my way up from the bottom and secure a job thats just barely above minimum wage. but i dont even believe i could do that. everything is so much energy. im even writing this instead of writing what im supposed to be working on. why am i like this

i dont want to talk to anyone else about this because. i already know its not productive the way i think so it would just come out the same nonproductive way. ill drop a thought here and there. but not the full struggle. why tell someone when i can tell a professional and yet i dont even tell the damn professional.

but be nicer to myself

its hard. its hard on my and myself and im hard on me and myself. another horrible cycle.

im tired of all of this. and i dont like being treated as fragile i guess. 

theyve been texting me the past few days with messages of affection and affirmations. its nice but. it just feels empty to me. which is frustrating. i know its just the bad side of my brain telling me to ruin it all completely. i dont know how to voice it without hurting anyone. i want to wait for my next appointment because i know its just my brain being illogical

but everything costs energy. i just simply feel like a time bomb. or maybe ive already gone off and im more like a candle thats burning out

i feel like im burning out

or that im already at the end and im just a whisper of smoke

i know that everyone can be compassionate or understanding and maybe accommodating, but im afraid ill only be met with sternness and a loss of respect somehow. like im just making excuses. especially because its not like im diagnosed officially or anything. i know im not the only one. but it feels like im the only one. and what if i am the only one. i dont want to be singled out 

i dont want to be treated differently. maybe understanding. but. not differently. not negatively.

they. i dont want them to stop but i dont even understand what i want instead, so i dont want to stop them. in a way it shows they care because they do care but. it feels shallow. i dont know what i want from them at all. which is probably why i want to press the self destruct button and ruin it for both of us. but thats unfair to them and thats unfair to me. so i should just talk to them about it. effective communication. 

back to step one i suppose. i need the energy to do. anything. anything at all. god d

be nice to myself. that’s hard.

[all-star-brad-hand]

so i finally pretty much saw star trek beyond and i feel like talking about it just a lil tiny bit

first of all i like...i dont know. i had no interest in it and i wasnt expecting it to be good, so i guess im biased. but then at the same time, i was underwhelmed somehow? like i mean the way people kept talking about how much closer to and inspired by tos it was...i didnt get that feeling at all.

the script was just so......so underwhelming. the villain did not interest me, the black and green glowy dudes who looked like super soldiers from stargate did not interest me. the giant space insect cloud thing was a decent idea but it was ruined by the music stuff. i did not give a flyin pop tart that the enterprise crashed, but i never cared for that current design anyway so i am not qualified to talk about it lol. whatsherface with the black lines on her face had the interesting language quirks, which i thought was cool, we dont get enough of that tbh. the references to tos reminded me overmuch of the stuff they did with enterprise season 4, which in my view was just “here’s 500% more tos references” (and i will really really never understand why so so SO many people say that stuff is some of the best star trek ever filmed but that is a discussion for another day).

didnt find the comedy funny, altho i admit that i am extremely extremely picky about what i find funny so 99% of things wont make me crack a smile (for example when i saw tfa in theaters i was straight faced at literally everything the rest of the audience laughed at). but i mean that thing where spock is explaining something and nobody understands it and then uhura or whoever chimes in “we can do the thing and kick ass” like oh my goodness that sounds like something from a cbs crime show what on EARTH. the stuff at the beginning with the angry aliens was particularly frustrating because of how much potential it had, like jeez when kirk was like “ah yes this weapon fragment is...uh...a treasured symbol of. .. . peace” that was great!!!!!! and then it just devolves into the aliens screaming and kirk making faces!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think the issue here is that these reboot movies have no leg to stand on except the characters, and they dont really have any leg to stand on themselves. and i mean, if you like the characters and enjoy them then i am happy for you. ive done it myself man, i took freakin vlad the space knight who got two lines and died from aldnoah zero and turned him into a favorite character of mine, same with cutler beckett from pirates of the caribbean, so i know that ppl can single out characters who might not be really well developed and enjoy them anyway. theres nothing wrong with that and i aint sayin there is. its just that i cant do that with these characters, not at all. they didnt get three seasons of a show with gene coon writing their interactions, they didnt get movies like wrath of khan that emphasized their bonds. they got named after and vaguely based on the tos characters, thrown into two movies that i personally think are both kind of lousy (i know ‘09 is considered one of the Good Star Trek Films but i am not quite in that camp myself), and then now we have this movie where kirk and spock and mccoy are like kinda getting development now and mccoy says “MY GOD MAN” and “MY GOD SPOCK” and they were out there for three years but we didnt see any of it and stuff. like the guys who wrote this were trying, and i will give them that, but it doesnt work for me because it just...should really never have been done in the first place.

well i guess THAT last opinion is very arguable, im sure even paramount would disagree strongly with me since theyve made some decent cash off these films lol. but its just...after seeing beyond, i think it was too late to try to recreate the bond of tos in these films. not after into darkness in particular. and i mean they are trying SO HARD with the original cast photo and the thing with everyone reading space the final frontier at the end but it just doesnt work for me.

i think its worth adding that im also of the opinion (which i guess is another divisive one) that the best of tos and the best of the tos movies had a certain tone to the dialogue and interactions which is not reflected here (a certain tone that im very very biased about because it involves lots of witty ass dialogue and i absolutely love it). that may be due to how the characters and world differ from tos, but if thats the case, it sort of renders two things moot: a) the attempt to match the tos tone and b) the usage of the tos characters in the first place (tho thats a problem i oughta take up with jj abrams i suppose). it could also stem from the writers’ personal styles, in which case it would just be a matter of my personal opinion preferring other styles to theirs. but either way thats one of the things that is most strongly dissimilar to tos about this movie, whether or not there were any attempts made to match it. the only line i caught that made me get the tos vibe was the thing i mentioned earlier with kirk talking to the angry aliens, and like i said that vibe was lost very quickly.

its a personal thing of course, but after into darkness i just gave up on any sense of obligation i felt for these movies being Part Of Star Trek. and i mean, even WITH that, with the lack of caring and lack of expectation and lack of just plain LIKING that i felt, i found myself underwhelmed. that honestly surprised me because i was expecting to either begrudgingly like it or totally hate it and i was just left saying “oh...thats it? okay”. it wasnt a violent reaction of dislike...more like when i watched tangled for the first time and sat there like “jeez this is what everyone says is one of the best disney movies??? it wasnt BAD but jeez”. so i guess ultimately im kind of praising the movie because it sure didnt hit me like into darkness did!

#i also didnt enjoy the stuff in that starbase because it practically made me motion sick like jeez #that doesnt happen to me often and all those spinning shots were really bothering me #anyway tl;dr this is just syju moaning and groaning about the star trek reboots again so feel free to ignore