#who don't get Real Autism

[anghraine]

There is basically no way to talk about this without humblebragging and also giving way to, idk, internalized ableism or wtfever, but:

Grad school is sometimes incredibly frustrating, on top of the other reason it's incredibly frustrating, because people will be like "Elizabeth's mind is very bright and analytical," and that is nice, and there's nothing about having a mental disorder or three that contradicts it, BUT

One of the things about autism for me—a way in which it feels distinct from my mood disorders—is that some parts of my ways of understanding and experiencing the world just don't work. I realize this description sounds accurate enough for mood disorders as well, but it's difficult to articulate what I'm actually trying to get at that feels fundamentally different. It does, though.

Being bipolar frequently sucks and frequently sucks more than autism, because depression is terrible and I have a history of very severe depression. Nevertheless, being bipolar isn't, at the core, what makes me literally unable to do most math or drive or otherwise multi-task, and it's not what makes keeping track of things like scheduling or simply where things are spatially so difficult, and it doesn't have that much effect on hand-eye coordination and balance and things like that except in conjunction with the autism.

And then there's the sensory overload, which triggers super easily and is... worse when I'm depressed but very obviously rooted in my visceral and almost inexpressible loathing of most sensation and eye contact.

Now, I wouldn't (and couldn't) excise my autism if I had the choice, because there's no ... separate non-autistic self, it's not a layer of apathy or terror or something, it's all me. And yeah, I know we're "supposed" to conceptualize this stuff as "works differently," or these things aren't accommodated properly, or whatnot, and I understand why. But some days it just feels like some parts of my brain are fine and then large swaths don't work right, and people don't really get what it feels like to be getting a PhD and surrounded by people telling me how bright I am, but also to be unable to calculate tips or develop my ideas at the speed that everyone else is doing or write within the usual time limits or line up tasks in a practical way.

It also feels like there's no way to talk to people IRL about the massive chasm between the things I do really well and the simultaneous sense of having blank spots in my brain. My diagnosis even talks about this—not my towering frustration, lol, but that I have advanced reasoning skills that can obscure the extent of my disability in other areas.

So one moment I'm teaching Classical rhetoric to college students and the next I'm blankly staring at a division problem or struggling to manage basic scheduling, and it feels ridiculous and embarrassing. But I can't tell the authorities in my life that—I can get accommodations, but they don't get how intensely uncomfortable it is to have people constantly assuming I can easily do things that either a) I can't or b) are very difficult because I'm "bright" and... blah.

(Making this unrebloggable for hopefully obvious reasons. I mostly needed to vent.)

#anghraine whines #full-on whining but ... people sometimes talk like autistic people who are doing things like grad school are the enemy #who don't get Real Autism #and they genuinely don't seem to grasp what it's like to go through the world with these massive gaps in ability #like ... i've seen my grade school test scores and my placement was '1st grade math 11th grade english' in 2nd grade #and nobody responded in any way to the gap through the entirety of k-12 or most of college. i just kept failing remedial math. #but i've often felt literally insane (esp bc it took so long to detect and i didn't know why things Didn't Work) #'it's not that it doesn't work but that it works differently and-' please stop talking #i know that feels true for some people #it doesn't for me and it's very tiring to always have to deal with #anghraine rants #rare breed of attack unicorn #ivory tower blogging #long post

[uncanny-tranny]

I think the thing that makes masking disability very complex is that often, masking is done to protect one's self, but you still don't know exactly how you'll be perceived by other people, and if you're safe in the ways you want to be. Something I've learned more and more is that... you often can't "fully mask" in the sense that there are certain blindspots you may miss. My flat, monotonous affect stems from autism, and while I can (and do) mask other traits, I can never mask that trait. But, the thing is that I don't detect that I am monotonous, and I only learned that because other people perceived me that way and actually told me. That's what I mean by masking only goes so far, often.

#disability #autism #for me the things that disable me are 'invisible' and in theory i could mask it #but that's the thing about theories... they don't always apply in the real world #this is not me saying that i have it worse but that i think this conversation is nuanced and can easily be different from person to person #i truly thought i DIDN'T have a monotonous voice around people i like. because i percoeved myself as more expressive... #...HOWEVER that isn't picked up on by other people #i think this is a mild example which feels a bit less personal so i'm willing to share it to Make A Point #again i'm not saying i've got the One And Only Experience Ever - just that masking is really nuanced and messy #and many people cannot mask ever and that brings its own unique challenges! and that's a conversation WORTH having too #but i leave it to people who actually have those experiences because while i follow no-masking people i still don't always Get It

[moe-broey]

Meanwhile I've also been rapidly succumbing to madness over these two and have a deep need to start over White 2 again

#pokemon #screaming crying throwing up nobody gets them like i do. trying to find anything abt them in the tags was a mistake. #like yeah hugh is a tryhard edgelord w anger issues but also he is the protag's BIGGEST hypeman #they're childhood besties they're probably always goofing off and egging each other on #they both probably rosa absolutely have/has undiagnosed autism #rosa is nonbinary in the way kirby is. i won't elaborate bc i don't even know what that means but it is SO real to me #maybe there's budding feelings there but MORE importantly they share a brain and have made a blood oath #they're just weird kids who are inseparable. to me. #trainer rosa #rival hugh #my art

[brittlebutch]

finally found a place to read With the Light online and i'm thrilled; if you haven't read this manga i do Legitimately recommend it

#N posts stuff #like don't get it wrong it Is Not a series about being autistic it Is a series about raising an autistic kid #but also don't be put off by that because it's legitimately a series that I feel Loves autistic people with its whole being #it's kind of a teaching manga so it showcases a lot of different opinions/characters/conflicts/etc. but the Framing is very consistent #in that the manga is Extremely of the opinion that autistic people are People who deserve to be Valued and Accepted As They Are #the onus for change is never put on autistic individuals the framing is basically Universal in the 'the World needs to change #to be more accepting' -- it's a very Social Model depiction of autism that ALSO never veers too far into the #'autism isn't even Really a disability' fallacy; it's very much a 'A lot of autistic people will need constant support in a variety of ways #throughout their lives but that isn't the roadblock preventing them from having their own lives; ableism in society is the roadblock' #the first two chapters are the hardest to get through bc they take place before Sachiko has any real understanding of autism and #so she's isolated and stressed out and the ignorance makes it difficult for her to care for Hikaru properly (there's also a lot of #other characters Blaming her for what's going on which goes unchallenged at this point though that changes later); but after she #understands what autism is she's Firmly in Hikaru's corner for the rest of the series - you can skip right to ch 3 without a problem #if you're not interested in reading about that initial conflict #there's still a Lot of conflict ofc but by then the chapters have some of my favorite moments so i don't want to advocate skipping #them; like Hikaru's daycare teacher explaining how Hikaru's difficulty speaking is the same as other kids' troubles with #things like jump-roping/etc.; and then a mother who has An Issue with Hikaru's presence in her daughter's class realizing the #depth of the problematic opinion bc Her mother (who had a stroke) faces similar ableism from her peers #i'm cutting this post off b4 the tags get Too long but if you're curious but still hesitant man. send me an ask and i will Happily #write an insanely long essay about how much i love this series; i have all the books i'm not excited about the online availability #for Me i'm excited bc i've been wanting to rec this manga for like almost a full decade and i can finally give you a link instead of #saying 'well. you can find used copies sometimes' lol

[griponthenews]

Not necessarily a new take but I dislike it when certain fans take a pair of characters and point at the quiet/clever one and go "they're the autistic one" and then point at the sociable/energetic one and go "they're the adhd one" without actually thinking about it further

#beyond the obvious dumbing down of real disorders it's also just boring in my opinion #like I love imagining my faves as autistic bc I'm autistic. But sometimes it's evident that other people only do it bc #they want a autism/adhd ship or something. and not because they're actually interested in examining the character #dont get me wrong. you don't *need* a reason to hc your faves as nd #but some ppl invent a weird binary of “autism/adhd” and force it on every ship based on what are often straight up stereotypes #don't know who needs to hear this but autism is not a synonym for introvert and adhd is not a synonym for extrovert

[unproduciblesmackdown]

billions(tm): it's incredible how we just provide a little snippet of material designed to be "guy we all want to push down the stairs immediately somehow" and through this amazing acting alchemy it becomes gold. electric. magnificent. we can't get enough so we will just keep writing this loser character and the actor will somehow keep bringing the dazzling transmutation through his ability

actor will roland: [is aware autistic people are real]

#this is at least half humorous in several ways lmao but also like fr... #winston billions #will roland has pretty much said he is aware that autistic people real. and not [ppl's utterly off the walls assumptions abt what Defines #Autism or what an Autistic Person is like and how you would Know] #i don't think that Billions(tm) would be very much better at that than re: say; taylor's being nonbinary (surprisingly alright yet. u kno) #quant kid 2 could've been anyone but writing Winston is like so certainly the common deal of the inadvertently autistic character #drawing from all the autistic people allistic ppl encounter all thee time without being aware & deciding they're annoying / jerks / too #weird to live too pathetic to die / grating nerds / Funnily Odd in a way you deign to merely raise an eyebrow or scrunch your face at.... #so on so forth. ''oh you know Those People we all know who are just Like That'' #and deciding they must be ''just like that'' b/c they're either too arrogantly rude &/or clueless / Unaware to be neurotypically superior #also do not get me wrong lmao big old proponent of Did You Know That? Actors Act. Now You Know #so of course yes will's acting is off the shits i mean here i am am i right. and he is using it when he is acting. #the acting talent Is off the shits. the tiniest moments they give him & he CRUSHES KILLS it really is amazing i'm not waving it off at all #cue twitter randos so betrayed when kelly aucoin is not dollar bill & is like ''yes in my acting job i'm playing this fuckin asshole'' #meanwhile i'm still following the interviewer who a) asked will anything abt billions b) talked abt the immediate striking intro of will's #as quant kid 2 And the immediate draw of / effervescent dynamic between winston & taylor. Someone Who Gets It #anyway it's like will can fathom that actually the people who are Always ''acting wrong'' w/their bad grating vibes no matter what they do #are not always Those People(tm) who We all know & loathe right....thee magic of knowing winston can be someone fully earnest #and of course always actually trying; & having perfectly comprehensible wants & needs. damn how's he doing that #bringing a certain je ne sais quoi to this Insufferable Loser Nerd material! so we don't mess with the process. #i.e. we will only ever let his role get dunked on forever b/c sure can't fathom anything else anyways. our Correct characters could never.. #only tuk; adjacent in wrong nerd loserdom; can be his friend. rian who is correct but zany with it can be his abusive friend

[thedreadvampy]

last night in the pub after the anti terf protests I was talking to this guy whose PhD was in I think linguistic constructions around gender? the phenomenology of gender? idk I was quite drunk and it was very loud. anyway we were talking about defining gender identity and he was increasingly enthusiastically going STOP. SHUT UP. I HEARD PEOPLE SAYING THE EXACT SAME STUFF AT A GENDER CONFERENCE LAST WEEK. YOU'RE ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF CONTEMPORARY FEMINIST THOUGHT WHY ARE YOU NOT DOING A PHD????

and I was like first of all ayyyyy ✌️😘 second of all pal you expect me to like. Justify my thoughts academically? I've met doctoral candidates you bitches are all miserable. and third literally all I was actually saying was stuff like 'there are different definitions of womanhood that are useful in different contexts' and 'there are different meanings to gender in a social and in an individual context' and 'in a lot of liberationist contexts "person who experiences misogyny" is the most useful definition, but aside from finetuning what that actually means and how it relates to people who are subject to misogyny but don't consider themselves women etc, where does that leave us in imagining a post-oppressive womanhood if we don't fill in subscribe to a gender abolitionist standpoint, which I don't, because I like being a woman and find joy in it' and like. all of those are not Deeply Considered Academic Theories as much as they're Having Thought About My Experiences In The World

so I mean fair play bc I do think it's a good sign if your academic theory is something that a layman can come to on their own terms. imo the job of academics is not to invent theory but to codify it and make it explicit and specific. so like if your theory is reflected in where people outside academic philosophy end up that's probably a positive. same as Marx right, like Marx didn't invent the idea of capitalist alienation or collective action but he did codify it and make it easier to build off.

Like I appreciate this. I appreciate when we can recognise that a theory that people NEVER come to outside academia is probably. not a very useful theory.

#red said #also had a good chat spinning off the gender abolitionism thing #with! someone who i did NOT expect to see there who's someone who was friends with all my Oxford friends in like 2011 #and has since moved countries and genders and has Very Nice Hair #and i feel like we came down on like. gender without misogyny would certainly look different but like. is it imaginable? #good chat we were tossing around comparisons with social models of disability which like. that IS something i have mild academic backing on #like what does it mean to agree that gendered experience of self exists but to problematise the way we CATEGORISE those #like. so much of the CATEGORIES of gender are in relationship to gendered hierarchy #in the same way as eg autism is categorised as deviant from 'neurotypicality' femininity is categorised by distance from masculinity #but 8n both cases while the EXPERIENCES are real and meaningful the CLUSTER DEFINITION is fully arbitrary and formed around deviance #in a world where autism was normalised and autsistic people faced no additional barriers i would still intuitively Get the experience #of ppl who are the same flavour of brainweird as me in a way i didn't with ppl whose brains are different flavours. #but i also get on better with people who like wrestling than people who like mma but we don't construct those as separate social categories #so like what does it look like to approach gender in a more fluid cluster setting? #like not gender neutral or gender unimportant but gender personal flavour #a grab bag of unattached signifiers and identity

[foxgirlmoth]

I don't talk about this stuff on here pretty much at all, but a past relationship really broke a ton of bits and pieces of my brain and heart in weird ways (I'm finally thinking about him almost never but the shit he pulled was abusive as hell and still affects me sometimes). Being in love with my current girlfriends for a while felt almost. Painful? Almost like I should be ashamed I can fall so deeply in love with people, and especially how quickly that can happen sometimes too. Thats how it kind of felt. I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions if I'm feeling them very strongly, and that has been extremely embarrassing and also felt almost like I was being a burden to those I love (which love is the main emotion that can 'get dialed up to 11' for me). It IS debilitating in some ways!!! It hasn't gotten bad enough I've been nonverbal in a really really long time but that happened this past week and it was wild to me.

Things are getting better now though! Therapy in the past has helped, and honestly having such patient and understanding partners has made a world of difference ;w;. my wife is someone who was one of my best friends and I had a huge crush on and now I can ask for cuddles and we can nap together and I've fallen so much in love. Her and her presence are literally heaven for me, I don't know if anything has ever made me happier than just laying next to her and feeling her warmth.

Worries of course flare up and I feel like I need to lean on her a lot during those moments, but I don't feel like too much of a burden to her. I love seeing the posts that say stuff like 'Its okay to be a burden' or 'its okay to be annoying' because really truly I think I need to be those things to survive sometimes. I can be 'a lot' and I can be a little bit obsessive and those things aren't inherently bad or evil of me. I just make sure I'm feeling okay during and after and make sure I'm checking in on myself often. I'm a bit of a broken girl, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy and living a life I love. I've written poems and everything about how it feels like it must hurt to love me and my broken jagged edges, but hey, even if it does a little bit, it doesn't mean someone like my girlfriend/wife won't go through a little bit of burden to love me, and I'm more than happy to return all of this and more for her as well if she's ever in need or feels broken ;^;

#Not to be too gay but I wanna build my life with my princess more and more #She's. So good to me and she's so pretty and she's so beautiful and attentive and she listens to me in ways I feel no one else has #She understands me so well!! And I hopefully make her feel the same #But yeah I've been a burden a lot to people due to autism (which I didn't know I had for fucking ages) adhd and physical disabilites #And she feels like she isn't taking care of me which is good because I'd honestly hate that #But she understands me and makes me a better person and that's exactly what I've wanted for forever. #And being demi/aspec is awesome with her since she's aspec too and there's no pressure for sex or sexy times but if we both want it #It can still be super fun!! We gotta figure more of that stuff out if we want but knowing each others kinks (and sharing a good bit) rocks #Idk its so so so so easy to love my wife Maxie #She's so dear to me and we've only been dating for 4 months but they've been 4 months I've felt the most alive and seen #Its so easy to be cringe but free with her too idk #She makes me better and I hope I do the same for her. I don't want either of us to stagnate yknow? #But anyways yeah this is just a big journal entry of some kind I might do these every once and a while #Not to like. Brag??? I guess. Or show my mental illness so much. Its just kind of nice if friends know where I'm at in my life I guess #And idk having outside input on thoughts can be good. If any friends see this and go 'Hey Runa this is real weird maybe tone it down' #I can look at that stuff a bit more #Gonna tag this in a way I can find it and others in the future too #Runa diary logs #But yeah you're not hearing this from me but I wanna be with Maxine for the foreseeable future more than anything. #Gotta get my degree and a good job too and she's ofc not the only person in my life (I have Sara who is so very dear to me too ;w;) #Nor is she the only 'goal' I have either. I wanna make games I wanna make art. I wanna make something that other trans people #And queer people and just minorities in general can look at or play or experience and just go. Life is worth living #I love my life right now and I'm so glad I've made it to my late 20's. #Its only uphill from here :3 #Wanna add on when I say she's not the only person in my life I mean that I have so many friends and people I love who love me too :3 #♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[steakout-05]

eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P

additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly

#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it #and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website #as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people- #-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were- #-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered #also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it #this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone- #-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious #i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :( #i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles #it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on- #-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help. #unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that- #-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also- #-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes- #-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything'' #and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think- #-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me'' #and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point #be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying #and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child. #be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo #if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows- #-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like #trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you #social anxiety #anxiety disorder #i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11- #-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me #anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y

[starriiskies]

Navigating the world as someone with ADHD/Autism is already strange enough. When I'm having a hard time, it's even stranger.

It's like my brain is overloaded with grey static that just gets louder, louder and louder. But when I feel good or even REALLY good, my brain is full to the brim of colours and is peaceful and quiet. I don't really know why, and I think that's one of the things that makes living as a neurodiverse person so beautiful. Suffering through the grey puts into perspective just how beautiful it is to find the vibrant colours again. They're more beautiful than anything I've ever experienced, and yet it all comes out of my own head. THAT'S what inspires me to make art, and to output creativity. No matter how long the static lasts, eventually it always passes and the world can be viewed like a child peering through a colourful kaleidoscope again.

#I wondered if there were other people who felt the same way as me #mb for cringeposting my own brain vomit I don't get to do much personal writing outside of academic essays WHOOPSIEEE #when I feel good I feel like I'm listening to my favourite song and watching bubbles float up into the air and catch the sunlight!! fr!! #autism #adhd #audhd #neurodivergent #peace and love on planet autism #this one was a hit tweet with my close friends story so baby's first tumblr textpost becomes real in five seconds #but this is basically how I feel when interacting with my special interests in an environment where I feel safe and comfortable and stable

[greencarnation]

yk that episode from spn where it's from an outsider's pov and it's about this werewolf dude who bites his friends and the entity of it is just them listening to sam and dean loudly discussing the case in broad public. is that real. did i imagine that. it's so funny to me like my men what are you DOING

#supernatural #spn #i wanna know #god take me back to when i watched this shit for the first time #a better year fr fr #dean......i get u #u suck but!!!! i get u #i AM you #(trans man with autism and daddy issues) #autism dean.....same fr #i don't want to be alive lmao #he is the only reason i am (i am losing him) #i don't know how to make him stay #i don't want to make him #i want to be enough for him to want to #not dean 😭😭 #i am talking about the real human guy who i'm in love with #cas to my dean fr #or maybe im dean to his cas #lordy #i am drunk but!!! not drunk enough #goodbye #novo amor loml #sava my love #i don't half miss you #im grant chapman (real) #i don't want to be alive anymore #i need to get over myself #taylor.....who am i

[thebewilderer]

Changed my mind actually, I'm against self diagnosis. There's a reason psychiatrists aren't allowed to diagnose themselves, and it's because they're biased. Any analysis of themselves will inherently lose any sense of objectivity.

These are *highly trained professionals* who cannot diagnose themselves; obviously the layman would do an infinitely worse job

You think you have Thing? Alright, well you should probably go get checked out for that. Lots of disorders have overlapping symptoms, and spotting the differences is incredibly hard without proper education and training (no, the three articles you read on MayoClinic and the seventeen tiktoks you watched don't count as education)

Using coping mechanisms usually associated with a disorder for your symptoms is fine ofc, but claiming to have something you're not diagnosed with is silly at best, and actively harmful towards said disabled and disordered people at worst.

I've seen countless versions of the scenario where people will start to diagnose themselves in such masses that professionals can't take anything seriously anymore (making it harder for actual disordered people to get diagnosed) or where they popularize the disorder until it loses all meaning (people now referring to dancing as "autistic stimming" very clearly causes the general populace to view autism as not-at-all serious), but one of the worst ones I've seen was someone claiming that PTSD shouldn't be in the DSM, because "everyone has a natural response to trauma and stress! It's not a disorder, it's just a natural response; it should be called 'Post Traumatic Stress Response'" and I cannot even begin to describe the level of anger that this instilled in me.

And the entire point of a diagnosis is to afford accommodations to those who need it. If you're going along just fine without the accommodations, you wouldn't benefit from a diagnosis. If you're having a lot of trouble without these accommodations, self-diagnosing will not give you anything, you should go see someone about it to get the accommodations you need.

Anyways this is just a long and rambling way for me to say "if you think you have Thing, go see a professional about it. If you're self-diagnosing, don't."

#fucking tired of the people who comment ''oh i think i have this'' under every ''autistic people walk on their toes!'' video #fucking tired of ''autistic'' and ''adhd'' and ''ocd'' being used as adjectives #fucking tired of the people who ''oughugh i had a panic attack!'' and then describe the emotion of being slightly nervous #fucking tired of all of this shit. you're taking credibility away from actual disabled and disordered people #i am not accepting criticism on this and i am hard blocking everyone who reblogs or comments with a shitty take #feel free to unfollow i do not fucking care #actually if you're a person whos claimed autism bc you like small spoons or #or ocd bc you keep you bookshelf organized or #or maladaptive daydreaming because you made up a fanfiction in your head once or #or did because you talk to yourself or #or adhd because you don't like math #<- all REAL fucking reasons I've seen people self-diagnose #then please *do* unfollow you'll save me a lot of fucking time #and no there is no ''well as long as you do enough research'' codicil just don't fucking do it. go see a professional. fuck. #ih #misc #me being problematic probably #self diagnosis #feel free to block me or screenshot and laugh at me or roll your eyes and move on idfc #but any interaction trying to convince me or disagreeing will get blocked mmkay #this is first and foremost a fuckin vent #and only secondly a sort of follower cleanout #''interaction of disagreeing'' includes the normal ''well some people can't get diagnosed uwu'' bullshit btw #it sucks you can't get diagnosed but it's more dangerous for literally everyone (yes including you) for you to start diagnosing yourself #treat your symptoms and look into affordable options but ffs stop this damn nonsense #im seconds away from flipping my fucking lid don't fucking clown

[evangelifloss]

Thinking about a certain scene in Dungeon Meshi that completely encapsulates the Autistic experience of making friends as an adult and how hard it is to try and navigate it without ending up getting hurt.

Like IDK about y'all, but this is a common problem ALOT of Autistic Adults face when trying to make friends with other people, because unlike children who aren't good at keeping their opinions to themselves, Adults ARE. In society, we're even encouraged to "keep the peace" "be polite" and etc, which commonly leads to awful scenarios as shown above when Laois finds out his buddy has come to resent who Laois is without actually telling him. All too often the friends that we love to hang out with, people that we're so happy to spend time with, don't feel the same way and in many cases, come to blame us for our social cues or lack thereof.

And when/if we do eventually find out how our friend feels, Dungeon Meshi hits us with another painful panel of how that usually ends up playing out.

It's hard for Adults with Autism to make friends, and even harder to maintain them because alot of the ways Neurotypicals tell other Neurotypicals that they don't like a certain behavior is by quietly disengaging. Whether that involves having one sentence answers, going quiet, or having a certain tone in their voice, all those things signal annoyance or disapproval, but for the Neurodivergents, those subtle cues are completely missed.

And yet when we inevitably discover we DID do something, it is natural to ask "well why didn't you tell me?" because in our minds, it should've been the next step in the equation. However for the Neurotypicals, that's NOT something to bring up. Its important to be SUBTLE about the issue at hand and rely on signals to tell the other person. Blame is placed on us for not noticing the "obvious" signs of disapproval rather than the idea of talking it out as such things are uncomfortable and harder to do. Alot of the time what ends up happening is resentment due to the idea that it was "obvious" and the fact one didn't notice indicates a deliberate ignorance rather than a complete unawareness. It ends up calling into question our quality as a person and our sincerity. We get called "fake" or "malicious" or even "stupid" for failing social cues rather than questioning the decision to be indirect and vague.

For a manga about exploring the dungeon, it seems that the artist would rather explore very real and prevalent dynamics in society with the adventuring premise as a backdrop. I felt VERY seen in these panels, and many others, because it happens so suddenly and dare I say it, plainly. There's no dramatic build-up or spectacle made and in essence, it just Happens.

I think that's what makes the scene hit even harder. It seemingly comes out of nowhere for Laois, like how it always comes out of nowhere for alot of people, and it's never a dramatic twist either. It's always mundane and hurtful. A sudden unforeseen bump in the road that ends up calling into question one's entire friendship with someone and consequent other friendships. It asks "what if other friends feel the same. What if the people that I really like actually hate me and I don't know it?" Or at least that's what I came away with after reading the chapter. I've been where Laois was and the only reason I'm not there now is because I lost the naivete I had and doubt everyone else's sincerity.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #laois touden #laois dungeon meshi #ryoko kui #dungeon meshi analysis #autistic things #autism #adults with autism #autistic adult #neurodiversity #neurodivergent

[haunted-jackalope]

hey, other autistic people who genuinely do have "communication deficits" and feel like shit every time you see other autistic people claim that's not a ~real~ autism trait and autistic people are "actually superior communicators":

you're not alone. you're not a "bad autistic". you're not inferior.

those people are usually struggling with a lot of internalized ableism and they're trying to work through it. we just happened to get caught in the crossfire, unfortunately.

you don't have to be "better" than allistic people to be worthy of love, support, and connection. you still deserve to be listened to when you communicate, even if you're "bad" at it 💜

#saying what i need to hear rn #actually autistic #actuallyautistic #autistic spectrum #autism spectrum disorder #neurodivergent

[unproduciblesmackdown]

oh yeah addendum in also the other day seeing someone autistic talking in that context abt what they want from genuine relationships in that they said they don't want to be Admired Or Desired. that one time someone was like, you're one of the best people i know, like well neat compliment sure i'll take it lmao, but also, that's somewhat confusing and even disheartening when it's like, i have no way of knowing this; we don't really interact? or times i have to ""unilaterally"" assess that i don't feel Friends with someone b/c i don't feel like, for one thing, i can just up & message them even lol; the feeling that to whatever capacity there's a relationship, it's been continual "don't mess this up" masking / efforts to "do things Right" from me....whilest also times it's been like, oh someone's apparently choosing to be around me? enjoying interactions? while still kind of confused about it. and then it's like oh it was Romantic Interest apparently lol :( like even if i wasn't aromantic which i so am....where was the [there is anything to feel is genuine] like again we never even got to any part where i wasn't masking and [do things Right] and on edge and certainly not at whatever point i apparently had whatever appeal. much less "when cishet men are just sprinting straight at you" but that's all the more, like, [you as a Person are certainly irrelevant] but not like it doesn't still feel ultimately mostly irrelevant even if people have more discretion / a more considerate approach in general. also that again there would not be a Right way lmfao. it just sure could be a totally neutral expereince rather, please. how i've had too many situations having to try to fling myself out a window figuratively, even w/those theoretically more considerate approaches

or even when people will be talking about what makes someone Deserving outside of the most conservative(tm) approaches like. this person isn't someone who just waits for things to happen :) like well hell yeah for them lol, meanwhile, i sure kinda am. being aware that in any given way i may not impress anyone / may be negatively assessed; only turns into "there go my power levels increasing again. shrugmoji" when correspondingly it's like, and i don't have to care, or certainly then blame myself about it if like oh boy, society when you have to be "objectively" judged as Worthy by randos, whatever their perspectives lol....or when like, the concept of social support is like, get a romantic partner, primarily, an ounce of backup from friends, the Real backup being family, or friends "as good as" family....or the ongoing journey of realizing like; it was never Just gonna be managing to leave [abusive childhood/family house]. the ways that other experiences outside that were Consistent, really, when being around peers means an immediate sense of doing something wrong / not being as good as them; authority figure adults sometimes acting just like an abusive parent does; no ways to regularly exist flexibly and/or less supervised/monitored, e.g. couldn't walk from [home] to [anywhere]....catching on like, ah, outside of That Situation? i'm still not inherently more valued by randos, still not Not liable to be regarded/treated with disdain / expressions of authoritarianism....Aren't We All; for real. but truly like oh hey, i didn't even realize i was getting all this Political experience in that [when you have a one on one personal abuser and You're Responsible For How They Treat You and Their Own Power Is The Whole Thing and You'll Never "Earn" Better But It'll Always Be Your Fault You Haven't] and all those kinds of logics and realities it's like of course this resonates crystal clear with logics and realities re: [political enemies] lmao. ofc they can be as "hypocritical" as they want b/c [you can just say whatever while you do w/e you want and other people have to deal] is an expression of power. of course "for [xyz]'s own good; individually or as a group" is really about ensuring the power to control their existences as property by shrinking the space in which someone can enact autonomous choices: anything For Children is about (conservative) parents controlling children as things they own and can do whatever they want with; like making sure kids Can't be gay or sm shit, it Is about children, just keeping them from being able to exist outside the sphere of control of an isolated Family life. hell yeah when they do anyways / tragically it always turns out people are actually people despite your wanting to disbelieve this / always have the power to ignore it..........but then yknow, the truth is we out here, and ofc it's like [police protect Property; enforce these property/owner relations] but what's Normal yet obviously harmful is also so borne by regular ordinary """harmless""" interpersonal interactions / people who feel supposedly well-intended but that's more superficial than in essence....even merely the Exhaustion in knowing interactions as Just chitchat w/supposedly amicable parties is like, a scrutinizing test that can only go wrong and lead to antagonism / animosity that can easily accumulate &/or compound. much less existence In Public and shit going wrong out of nowhere, and potential stakes....being like Lol at, again, years back thinking like "a horror short should be like, the premise that you might just be at a grocery or some ordinary asf situation but at any given moment, doing Nothing extraordinary, some rando suddenly goes Deeply Hostile Mode for a second. where even then suddenly disengaging from that mode is not a relief in that the [this could happen at any time] is emphasized" like lmfao that's [being in an abusive situation], that's [being autistic], isn't it so Zany that there's so much overlap / resonance.

Not At All being Lol abt how much actual discrete examples of produced horror is just like "what if there was disabled people." this is its own line b/c of the characters per block limit. but also disdainful emphasis

anyways lol wuh oh in conclusion, antifascism....isn't it always

#celebrating the true meaning of that autism acceptance month...and every other thing #gather round the disability justice [holiday tradition] children; who are people to be supported & not property granted to parents.... #just excising things lol been marinating on [more nonspeaking than i thought; even more nonverbal probably] & [more ''uh oh an autistic #person doesn't want friends? proves they bring it upon themselves'' than i thought] all based on All Life Experience #explaining like; more like Ultraromantic but in the way that [prefix Ultra] means Beyond rather than Superlative Of / Extremely X lol #ultraviolet light is not [as violet as you could get]....don't think it'd catch on. and: when it isn't not political lol #thinking of ''hell yes though for straightup Object/Concept names'' tendencies & like dramatic words for last names? v gay v trans #even [milo] was just a name i always knew i loved so that's been very simple & straightforward. but beyond that? how about Beyond that #thinking of ''what if a word that sounds cool and is a neat meaning'' like middle name kilopascal?? why not. but not set on that one lol #been testing out / placeholding Burrows for a last name cuz a milo burrows is mentioned in lotr. doesn't promptly answer letters lol. #me neither. but hmm B for Beyond. beyond what? it's flexible #testing it out in my mind. i'd be lastnameless fine as well but sometimes; it's convenient. specifying which milo in broader contexts #Public Universal Friend; Thou Sayest It shit #anyways Everything's Political let's get you some fruit #breathing's political as they say; for real. being in public. being in private. exchanges w/a rando. exchanges w/a nonrando.

[drchucktingle]

dr tingle, you're a huge inspiration to me. I'm trans and autistic and I feel like I have to correspond to society's whims and suchlike, but I appreciate that you're just weird and telling the world "hey this is me, deal with it or don't".

wow dang thank you it is HONOR TO BE HERE but also it is HONOR TO TROT ALONG WITH YOU AS BUDS WITH A UNIQUE WAY. chuck hears kind words like this and they never get old honestly so important and moving and they hit me deep like an arrow in the heart or a pound in the butt. we all trot in our unique way and THAT IS WHAT GIVES US POWER this timeline has been moving along for billions and billions of years and every random moment lead to US EXISTING TOGETHER. so yes i have so much gratitude to be here with you but also please remember there is NOBODY ELSE LIKE YOU AND THIS IS SO IMPORTANT AND POWERFUL. anyone else trying to trot your way would fail immediately but in this arena you heckin soar automatically

also as autistic buckaroo as well i remember MY HEROES who were on the spectrum of buds and how important it was to me to see them being COOL AS HECK. i have never been ashamed of my autism i actually heckin LOVE BEING AUTISTIC and that is partially from seeing DAVID BYRNE OF TALKING HEADS being coolest guy on the planet when i was a young buckaroo. so while i think there is a time and place to talk on the sadness of certain ways, my personal trot is to CELEBRATE and tell stories of JOY as an autistic bud and as a bisexual bud. ALL KINDS OF TROTS ARE IMPORTANT but it makes me smile a handsome smile to know you have seen my way and thought 'thats heckin cool' because that once happened to me too

thank you for writing bud and to all the other buckaroos out there thank you for being on this timeline and adding your unique way to the mix. NOBODY out there does it as good as you. LOVE IS REAL

#love is real #chuck tingle #autism #tingleverse