#yet i feel so insecure about it

[leopardom]

it’s definitely not the right time to do this but it’s bugging me so much i need to ask

would anyone still be interested in reading more analyses/interpretations about Damon’s photoshoots with Nace/Jan and Jure after many days or maybe i shouldn’t even bother to write them?

#if this post comes off as me searching for validation then for better or worse yes. yes i do #i still feel insecure af about whatever i wrote about Kris’ and Bojan’s photos and what i have in the drafts for Nace so far #i see everyone writing and i wanna write too because i’m ✨thinking✨ but then i’m like #“who cares you’re late and you write shit. not interesting. move on” #but yet i won’t be home until Monday #and i don’t have time to write right now so this is getting pushed back more and more #and if i do end up writing stuff i don’t want it to end up hitting a wall and just. go unnoticed #and i’m so sorry for bringing this in the band tag but as i said it’s bugging me so much…… #this is emma speaking #joker out

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here #i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral #texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet! #here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress! #you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better' #i Immediately started doing Worse! #i think i stressed myself out too much #pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3 #ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block #mentally i am banging my head into a wall #but its fine Its Fine #i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail #which is something i should be used to by now! #okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so #i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh #well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um. #i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive #not gonna tag this with anything actually. #love treating tumblr like my personal diary #ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me. #perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day #buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that! #with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!! #gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent #i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain #ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts #just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3 #look away look away

[andersdotters]

I think most people would agree that gift giving is Zhongli's highest love language (giving). After that, I think would be words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, then physical touch. As for his highest love language (receiving), it'd probably be quality time.

#genshin impact #zhongli #zhongli x reader #ngl i was torn between which would be his lowest #i mean logically it is physical touch #thats the obvious response #that being said zhongli views acts of service to be primarily transactional #not in a passive aggressive sense mind you #but he only engages in acts of service if it is according to the contract he has set in place #if it is not within the terms of the contract he will not act #just look at his voice lines #the traveler pays for all expenses incurred while he's on the team #an interesting note though is that while zhongli ranks high in words of affirmation (he does truly mean what he says) like.... #everything must be taken with a grain of salt #esp when it has to do with his feelings toward a person #it's interesting as a whole #zhongli speaks openly and without hesitation regarding his thoughts and feelings if he's allowed to #and yet..... he never reveals any of his heart #he can say he has warm feelings towards you but you will never be sure the depth of them #so even though he ranks high in words of affirmation it paradoxically makes you even more insecure about your relationship #like he's not lying. he's not lying when he speaks of his warmth toward someone #but it's the equivalent to a grandfather to his toddler grandchild #or a human toward an ant

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

[viiinz]

everyday I think about him (Ippolit Terentyev)

#idk why of all characters he's the one that has left such an impression on me but oh boy #it's been over a year since I've read his 'explanation' and everything that followed and it hasn't left my mind since #ippolit terentyev #the idiot #god all he wanted was some sympathy and recognition #and they just make fun of him #literally all this boy wants is to be taken seriously and no one does #they either laugh at him or beg him to shut up #because his vulnerability and the fact that he's dying makes them so uncomfortable #and he's so ashamed as well over his own vulnerbility #that even when people aren't laughing at him he'll imagine they are #and people blame him for being self absorbed?? like of course he is!! #he's EIGHTEEN and DYING #this is a teenager who's just come to the realisation that he has no agency over his life whatsoever #and that all that awaits him are the cruel laws of nature #he has a right to be upset about that #he's literally the man condemned to death that myshkin talked about #and yes he's ridiculous and awkward and not always right and incoherent and all that #and he can really be insufferable and contemptuous and unfeeling towards others #and even the state he's in doesn't really serve as an excuse for that #yet i feel bad for him #and he's such a teenager too he's so insecure and just wants to impress the people around him #and yes he's doing it for attention #of course he wants attention #can you blame him?? #all he wants is to be heard #to feel like his life mattered #but instead everyone's just begging him to shut up #like they're just waiting for him to kick the bucket so the uncomfortable ordeal can be over with #sorry i just have a lot of thoughts about Ippolit and I'm being very incoherent because i didn't plan on typing all this lol

[whentherewerebicycles]

i have a very stupid problem that is causing me a very stupid amount of distress. my aunts are planning my baby shower which will be in my home city (a place where none of my friends live). we are inviting a bunch of family and tbh it's solely so i can get stuff from my registry. i feel okay about that part because i've bought gifts for all the extended family baby showers and weddings over the years and it seems fine to be like 'ok now it's my turn i really need the help.' the part that is making me feel weird is that my aunts feel strongly that i should ALSO send invites to all of my out of town friends, including college and grad school friends, because those people might send me gifts too. i think that a lot of my friends WILL end up buying something from my registry or sending something (a lot of them have asked already!) and that's very nice of them!!! and i do think i might want to send a birth announcement or something later just as a "hey! a big thing happened in my life!" kinda thing. but i feel super uncomfortable sending out invites to an event i know they can't attend (and would never expect them to fly to a random city for!!) because then it just feels obvious that i'm asking for a gift instead, and that makes me feel bad!!! but also idk my brother and SIL just had a MASSIVE shower where like 50+ of their friends came (because they went to college in our hometown and all their friends still live there) and my cousin just had a big shower too (she lives and works in our hometown) so i also just feel dumb for like. having a very small kinda lame shower where my extended family is gonna be like oh... does she not have any friends?

#why am i on the verge of TEARS about this #it's so dumb #yet another one of these weird intensely gendered rites of passage or whatever #but also it's bringing up all these weird feelings around single parenting for whatever reason #like i feel like my extended family is going to be politely tiptoeing around the fact that i'm not partnered #and then i think i just feel insecure because part of me wants to be like but LOOK i have all these friends who i love and who love me #so i'm not like UNLOVABLE #but that is dumb why do i even care what they think #or what i am imagining they think #well maybe this is the topic to tackle in therapy el oh el #i just had a furious crying jag about it #i think i'm just going to tell them like #this will be a family only shower #and i'll send a birth announcement to my friends later

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

my friend: i want to listen to more music :(

my friend: billy. you should send me some of your music. show me some sick metal punk whatever music.

me: *shaking with excitement anxiety in the corner*

me: w-what...?

also me: okay so like... *inserts spotify links*

enemy of the world - four year strong

letters to our former selves - youth fountain

tribulation worksongs - modern life is war

let it enfold you - senses fail

turn on the bright lights - interpol

misery made me - silverstein

for when you're falling backwards - rome hero foxes

lifes not out to get you - neck deep

my friend: GODDAMN

my friend: thanks for the music

#will probably delete later #i feel so insecure talking about my music stuff on here because god i got shit on about it and so im jst v overprotective of it #BUT GOD I WANT TO RAMBLE ABOUT ALBUMS I FIND TO PEOPLE CAUSE OMG I FIND SUCH COOL THINGS AND I WANT TO SHARE THEM #but highly doubt my friends would like music like mine???? its a whole thing. i am not introducing them to grindcore #grindcore would probably discourage them so hard. same with slipknot. #so today i showed them a little bit of #uhhh... #pop punk mixed with post hardcore(?) idk what all the genres are here but ik like its not all metal ikikik #im not gonna show off HARD deathmetal to them because god i dont want to seem like a freak #anyway i recommend this????? i HOPE they listen to it?? #i have yet to explain the entire emo trinity thing but they know of mcr aparently but dont think they know much apart from *random incoming- #-g note* #*shudders*

[twelvedimensional]

also the depth the interiority that idle rambly monologue of the dr's holds, the fact that his offhand thoughts just coalesce into this wonderfully stark image (the tardis, revered, the tardis, reviled, the tardis, the center of a city and then all alone again at the edge of a sea)

#dw spoilers #and god that devastated FACE he makes after he finally opens up to 'donna' only to realize it's not her! and how it evidently jars him #enough back into his old ways of Repression even when he really REALLY wants to properly talk about it with donna at the end #him testing the waters to see if she'll even know what he's talking about before clamping it back down! #god he's so much more open than ten that you can SEE it hurts him to -- in that one shaken moment -- not feel fully able to confide in her #a LOT of really interesting characterization beats in this ep for both the dr and donna! how different donna feels too as we've already #started noticing in the previous episode; where now she feels a sense of belonging and worth at home and is insistent on treasuring it #yet at the same time the not-donna gnawing at her old insecurities and even the dr -- the real dr! -- playing into them even inadvertently #(that she's replaceable. that she thinks she's stupid. that this lack of confidence and self worth is so characteristic of her it warrants #'that's very donna. that's _so_ donna!' even if it's mellowed out partially by 'SOMETIMES she thinks she's brilliant'. that she's not quite #allowed to be different from the donna of a 15 years ago having grown in her sense of worth? or at least. that the dr didn't recognize #her for long enough that he almost accidentally replaced her with a parrot of a copy.) #SORRY LOTS OF CHARACTER THOTS ON THIS 1 #doctor who #donna noble #ten point two #i spy an original post

[soldier-poet-king]

I literally just do not understand how full grown ass adults go thru life like this. 0 self reflection. 0 concern about the impact of their behaviours on others. Continuing said behaviours even when they're pointed out as hurtful. Like????

#the duality of fran #idk its like the every few months i realize i sort of forgive my parents #bc things could be much worse #and they didnt MEAN to be hurtful. theyre just immature and selfish #they're not deliberately being like that #like their behaviour comes from a place of hurt and insecurity #and Yet its been pointed out SOOOO many times how bad it has affected me #and theyre always so guilt trippy woe is me when it's brought up #and maybe theyre trying. but honestly folks???? I DONT SEE ANY PROGRESS #like I cant cut them off i need somewhere to live + need somewhere to fall back on #once i move out. in case yknow. financial disaster (sh we are not thinking about my fears of financial instability that they left me with) #but like. ffs. ffs yall. I AM SO ANGRY #AND HURT #and im tired of being angry and hurt about stuff that isnt ever going to CHANGE #its a wound you know is there but it vant ever heal it just. prods and prods and prods #like the tldr of u can have a severely traumatizing shitty upbringing without ur parents being actually abusive #and it just adds this extra layer of guilt and complicated feelings on top of it all #like #please. just get a fuckin divorce. oh my god. also maybe dont have four kids while barely above the poverty line. #and then harp on your kids for every single perceived flaw or financial burden they incur. just. yknow. a thought

[luvsavos]

random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently

#mar.txt #it's weird being aro(?) and yet also longing for a relationship. maybe its just bc almost all of my friends are in one #maybe it's bc of how easily jealous i get #maybe its the fact that i'm constantly being reminded that i am nobody's most important person. there's always someone more important. #maybe it's just the all-consuming，gaping hole of loneliness within me #idk. #i don't even know if i AM actually aro or if i'm just so demi that i may as well be aro or if ive just had so many bad experiences that it #feels impossible for me to feel romantic attraction #a few of my ocs (shara and the alatreon) are how i think i'd describe myself; aro，but willing to be in a relationship provided the other #person isn't bothered by them being aro，bc they have their own equivalent to romantic feelings #i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the #only thing life has shown me is that i very much am not loveable. all the way back in first grade ppl were already using me instead of #actually caring #'dating' me to make someone else jealous. so they could have a drug buddie. a fuck buddie. so they could try to manipulate me into things #because i was a young teenager desperate for validation and to feel like i mattered and belonged and they were nearly adults who knew they #could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting) #and doing it every time i was around my 'boyfriend' and his friends #the only two genuine relationships i had didn't last either; one lost feelings after three years and the other just sorta stopped talking to #me and iirc eventually picked up a boyfriend that was actually local instead of long distance #i am not worthy of love. i will never be loved in the way that my friends are. hell i won't ever even find a qpp(?). and that makes me sad. #to know i will always be alone. that i'm destined to die alone. but it is what it is i guess. i just wish it didn't bother me so much. #i wish i could be content in my loneliness and not be jealous of everyone around me. i wish i could accept that i will never be anybody's #most important person. that the only person i can or will ever be the most important to is myself. self love，yeah? ha. #maybe 2024 will have something in store for me. god i hope it does. but i doubt it will. more of my friends will get into relationships， #those already in them will stay in them and/or take a step forward in their relationship. and i will remain alone. just as i always have. #anyways. sorry vent over i'm just. ugh. upset today. emotions are stupid and i want a refund on them. i did not ask to be saddled with the #burden of feeling such intense，suffocating displacement and loneliness. i did not ask to feel these negative emotions so strongly. #i just want to be someone's most important person. i just want to matter.

[formulaonedirection]

Max on racing: “I don’t know, I definitely want to try and get back into it. It’s a tough thing to get the ball rolling again, if you really know motorsports well. It’s a brutal world. But yeah, I definitely want to do that again because as time goes on I’m definitely missing it more, like for sure. Like the biggest thing adjusting from the racing was having that purpose. Because it was the only thing I ever knew what to do, you know. Like since I was 9 years old, I was racing every month and I felt like that was my purpose in life you know, to race. That was what I did. So like when I stopped it was like a big shock to the system. Okay, I was really happy to not race because it was a really tough year and I was just like “I need to get out of this space for a bit” but now I miss it again.”

#don't mind me i'm just talking to myself but watch the video! #I've literally been chewing on this video for the past week #like it was sad the first time i watched this time but i just thought about it again last week and tracked it down #and it made me sad AGAIN #just thinking about losing that ONE thing you've been doing for decades and you're still young you know you're 21 #but it feels like you've already failed #and then you're 22 and then you're 23 and you're still not racing but you still haven't really found your thing and it- it has to be a lot #and you're back home with your parents and it's lovely because your parents like you SO much and you like them too #and you keep telling yourself that leaving when you did was the best choice. it was the best and bravest thing you could do for yourself #and realistically you know this is true but that's not how insecurity and doubt work #what i'm saying is that I think my boy is immensely brave for making that decision #and putting himself out there still knowing it might not work out #max is a realist but he's also a little bit of a romantic #anyway! #just doing some character study for as yet untitled football au #max fewtrell #*maxvid

[arabian-batboy]

I have been in the mood to watch some Shoujo so I finally got around watching Fruits Basket since its one of the most iconic Shoujo out there and it just feels like I’m missing out on not watching it and while I’m definitely enjoying it so far, I have to admit that Yuki’s (and Kagura) annoying ass almost made me want to drop the show...

#Kagura is pretty self-explanatory #her forcing herself on Kyo and beating him up when he rejects her is NOT cute #I don't care that she's supposed to be a tsundere cuz tsundere who beat up the person they like are so lame and out-dated #Kyo plays the tsundere-like character far better than her #as for Yuki.....he's just a Mary Sue? #he's supposed to be drop-dead gorgeous and has the entire school fawning over him #and he's also extremely powerful and can easily beat up Kyo without breaking a sweat #but he's also a poor sad uwu boy with so many insecurities #I'm sorry he's so obnoxious lol #I think its because he reminds me of Tim #in that we're supposed to feel bad about him but also think that he's perfect/so much better than everyone else #it got a little bit better in recent episode but boy did he almost ruin the show for me #Tohru too with how much of plain protagonist without any real flaws she is but I got over it quickly #since she's supposed to be a self-insert for the audience (also she's a nice girl who doesn't do anything that's really annoying) #except maybe giving sappy speeches every now and then #aside form these 3 I absolutely love the rest of the cast #especially Uotani Hanajima Hatori and Kyo #and I haven't met him yet but I just know I will love Hiro when he appears #mark my word #fruits basket

[mariatesstruther]

okay hear me out modern au where Tommy and Maria first meet in a club in their 20s and they bump into each other while dancing and just start dancing together and they just hit it off but in the end they both forget to give each other their numbers so both of them go back to the same club the next week to hopefully meet each other again (also Tess and Maria definitely go clubbing together because I love them as best friends)

cowboy!!!! yes yes YES i LOVE this. and u could extend this meet-cute into like a whole thing where tommy and maria keep trying to meet at the club and exchange information, but something gets in the way everytime!!!! kid emergency!!! bar fight!!! cocaine bear on the loose!!! zombie apocalypse—who knows????

im thinking the first time, tess drags maria to a bar she likes because she’s been trying to get the attention of this hot dilfy guy at the bar, but he’s always tailing along with his friend. by tess’s design, maria and tommy meet and and hit it off and dance (to maria maria by santana) the night away. they fall in love and decide they want to go home together, so maria goes to the bathroom—but joel randomly comes up and is like “tommy, hey sorry selena’s mom called, sarah had a nightmare and she wants us both to pick her up, we gotta go” and in true miller dad-uncle panic they BOLT. by the time maria comes back, tess is like “idk dude, mine got a call so they had to go. seemed like an emergency. bummer” and they assume thats that

on the flip side: everythings okay with sarah, but after tommy and joel tuck her in tommy’s suddenly just like “fuck—fuck!!!!!” and joels like “what? what???” and he’s like “i didn’t get her number :(:(:(:( fuck” and so joel’s like “it’s okay, i see her friend there all the time” and so tommy’s like “omg :D do you have her friends number?” “well… no” “joel… what the fuck man.” so they make a plan to go back next week with the hopes of at least seeing tess and getting maria’s number from there—tommy also wants to get tess’s number for joel, but he doesn’t need to know that

little do THEY know, tess and maria are already plotting for next weekend. they show up to that bar looking fine as FUCK—they quite literally turn heads walking through the door. of course the miller brothers are there, sitting in a booth all the way in the back and waiting, making eyes. tess and maria are not shy, so they start making their way over. unfortunately, some drunk asshole decides to try to get handsy with tess on her way there—which results in her punching him in the face, which results in him trying to punch her in the face. she dodges, of course, but it starts a full-on bar brawl that the miller boys jump into without hesitation (joel manages to tackle and land a few good ones on og drunk asshole too so. slay.). none of them get arrested or anything, but they definitely don’t get eachother numbers on account of joel and tommy having to duck the cops

so i guess they gotta keep trying ;)

#missed connections au #honestly idk how i would even end this i think its so fun to imagine scenarios where some shit goes down and the bar has to scatter 😭 #tess calling joel her miller > #idk how joel turned into a shy type in this au but he did and i think itd be so cute #shameless flirt tess and shy nerdy dad joel who’s majorly oblivious?????? cmon #and then stuffy upcoming lawyer type maria who wants to be partner before shes 30 #meeting veteran tommy who spends his days taking care of his niece working with his brother and being a good mf man #he just wants to watch her be great and talk about her achievements and explain stuff to him #hes very complimentary to her yet insecure and one of these meetups she finds out hes a literal human calculator #like is crazy good at multiplication. she just spends all night giving him rando equations and checking them with her calculator #they are just sexy geniuses i love them #his ultimate goal is to take her on a proper date and maybe cook for her #it takes maybe 5 bar meetups for that to happen #one time is just gonna be them sitting and talking for so long that they just forget about numbers bc it feels like they have them already #i dont imagine maria having a son in this au tbh #this could def be a whole fic lmfao #tysm for this cowboy what a treat #sorry it took me long i wanted to edit typos!!!! #asked and answered #tlou #tlou au #the tipsy bison #tommy x maria #tess x joel

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

the thing about me is that having a crush is fun for the first little while and then I just slowly become more and more overcome with insecurity about it

#like yeah he's friendly and nice to me but I know there's no chance. NONE. that it means anything at all. #no way. like there's no way he'd ever see me that way. We Just Work Together #and it sucks because I genuinely do enjoy just being friends with him! like there aren't many people I've met #who I genuinely click with and we get along well like that. and we definitely clicked as friends yknow?? #and I'm super glad for that. I just feel so stupid for being in love with him when I'm too loud and too awkward and i fidget too much #and I'm just. not an attractive person on ANY level #so like even having a crush is so unrealistic and I hate that. he's the only guy I've ever genuinely wanted to be with #(beyond a brief infatuation that I knew wouldn't work out i was just kinda caught up in the theater stuff yknow) #like.... UGGGHHHH this is bringing up SO many insecurities bc I genuinely want more than a friendship #and gurt called me out the other day by asking how important it is to me that this particular guy likes me back #and I had to play it down bc it's SO important to me like. WHAT am I supposed to do with this??? he's the only guy #I've ever been able to envision a life with and I KNOW daydreaming like that is probably bad and dumb and I just feel #SO stupid for how I'm feeling about this whole thing and yet. I go to church and work with him and it's just really easy and nice #and we work well together and get along and it's just GOOD #and I want that forever #and idk what God is trying to do here but it's making me feel SO STUPID all the time!!!!!! girl help!!!!!! #Lu rambles

[danse--macabre]

if you'll allow me a self-indulgent music choice, bodyguard is such a ch'lakhou/astarion song... this is 100% the vibes once they're together

like the whole 'i'll be your bodyguard, you should let me ride shotgun' refrain

or some of the verse lyrics, like

'be your best friend /i'll protect you in the mosh pit / i'll defend you in the gossip / you know how people like to start shit'

or, early on

'inhaling whiskey as you kiss my neck / we're hurting but it's happy hour'

or the vulnerability in

'sometimes i hold you close just to know you're real'

i could just keep quoting lyrics but it's just them lol

#this is making me feel more justified in my choice to describe ch'lakhou as a han solo cowboy lol #this song is soooo sweet and yet there's a vulnerability and insecurity at its core... #real tough gal love song! augh love it so much #also i'm choosing to ignore the obvious jealous insecurity of 'i don't like the way she's looking at you' and instead apply that to araj lo #'i don't like the way that drow is looking at you [like a commodity]' #anyway doing my classic thing of listening to music and thinking about it and not actually writing about it

[that-was-anticlimactic]

okay so hear me out: one of ritsu’s tics is scratching. just like... imagining him scratching himself subconsciously all the time and he can’t stop even when he realizes it because it’s a compulsion. he tends to scratch his hands and knuckles and wrists a lot and it just gets worse the more stressed or anxious or overwhelmed he gets. and sometimes he doesn’t even realize it’s happening until someone points it out or mentions that he’s bleeding.

and thinking about that being a tic he’s not great at suppressing so he does his best to hide it from his family (he doesn’t care about that one at school as much because he could easily lie his way out of that one) so they don’t realize it’s a problem until one day when ritsu walks into spirits and such with blood caking and dripping from his hands (maybe during final exams or he’s in the midst of an anxiety/tic attack or maybe he’s just really overwhelmed with everything on his plate) and. y eah.

#it's about ritsu being willing to show people he's hurt and to let them take care of him because he's so used to making himself the perfect #little brother/son so no one would have to worry about him / so he wouldn't stress shige out and just. yEAH #i have. feelings. #i just think it'd be a big problem #i think one way the s&s gang would help with that is by holding his hands #like maybe shige would take his hands and just. hold them while reigen or serizawa or someone bandages them and he doesn't let go for awhile #and then teru and shou start grabbing his hands and holding them if he's scratching too (and either of these can be romantic or platonic) #and i feel like he wouldn't be totally comfortable with tome doing that yet but he would be eventually and he doesn't want the adults to do #it because it makes him feel like a child so they don't but. ough. and maybe one day he's freaked because he's worried that he'll scratch #whoever is holding his hand instead and like someone (maybe reigen👀) suggests trying to redirect that into tapping instead so he taps #everyone's hands and he feels so uncomfortable and awkward at first especially when the tapping gets - in his words - excessive and his #premonitory urge is like 'yes RUB rub their hands!!!' and he's so upset but no one minds and maybe tome and the adults will give ritsu their #hands and just let him tap and rub and poke their hands and stuff because ritsu is SUPER picky about touch and allows very few people to #touch him partially because of the ts and partially because he is Insecure and Textures and Comfortability and just. this is so important #for him??? and such a BIG step and shige is so proud and the scratching doesn't really stop but it gets manageable and not as bloody #it's about ritsu learning who he is and learning to love all the parts of himself even the ones he finds repulsive ough aNYWAYS #mp100 #ritsu kageyama #ritsu with tourette's #i am so right for this wow