#ykno the usual

[pixiethoughtsfairyfeelings]

When someone shows genuine interest in you do you start to freak out and overthink everything about the situation or are you normal?

#babygirl #text #like uhhh do you actually remember how average i am #am i pretty enough? #am i cool enough? #am i engaging too much?? #am i being too much? #ykno the usual

[kiivg]

.“S’alright, Lad.”.

#blackwall #dorian pavus #dragon age inquisiton #dai #dragon age #sketch #thom rainier #blackwall x dorian #dorian x blackwall #mxm #.again not shippy but to me it is mwah. #.I need to get back to my usual stuff but ykno eh shrug emoji.

[buqbite]

I like to imagine that her gentleness is genuine

#Havent used this brush in forever #it's usually too soft for my generally very... jagged art #ill write down some thoughts later lemme write the fandom tags first lol #hsr #honkai star rail #hsr robin #hsr spoilers #implied... its hella subtle tho #my art #(pulls out the plastic chair) ok listen up. #first of all i leaned a bit into the old timey tv style bc i felt like itd fit her vibe ykno #second of all the little pinkish thing behind her is meant to resemble a) a blood splatter and b) xipes fucked up halo #penacony is so fucked up and twisted and all while robin has been genuinely kind so far #Like even firefly was kind of weird and suspicious but she appears so earnest #and Im really curious how the story is gonna go for her. Im expecting her to still be alive in some way #Esp so we can find out why she left penacony #and her connection to the family #my hope is for her to be out of place in the place that should perfectly fit her vibe #alternatively itd be rlly funny if she was like. evil. not evil evil but more like Hey Remember How The Harmony Is A Hivemind

[neptunesailing]

sometimes i forget that he looks like this sometimes

#enstars #nep draws things #ensemble stars #sketch #hiiro amagi #I USUALLY DRAW HIM LIKE. YKNO. FLUFFY AND CUTE. BUT ALSO I FORGET THAT HE CAN LOOK REALLY REALLY COOL #get a guy who can do both ykno

[himbopunk]

NEW CHOKERS ON ETSY!!!!

New chokers, and I'm trying out something with the O-Ring ones where I have a set choker design that I make to order with custom sizing and such! So we'll see how that does lol.

Some are a bit smaller than my normal plus-leaning sizes, so check your sizing before buying!

Shop (Etsy) || Tipjar (Kofi)

#id had some requests for chokers in specific sizes at diff points but usually i just sorta use what i have #so i figured i'll see how it goes if i have a set design that can work for whatever size ppl need #theres only 2 available rn but i'll prolly restock it if ppl seem enthusiastic enough? #shop tag #dazed n confused #chokers #handmade #etsy #etsy shop #queer owned #black owned #native owned #uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #plus size #2/4 of them are still so ykno #alt fashion

[coldresolve]

Moneymakers, pt.xlii // Synthesis

Previous / AO3 / Wattpad / Masterlist / Next

He can’t stop picturing himself taking that final leap of faith, floating for the last fifteen seconds of his life. In his mind, he sees his own body splatter on the street below, organs liquefied by the force of the impact, head forming a flattened half-dome, rotting brain matter scattered among the litter. Bones turned to dust, limbs bursting at the skin. Blood seeping out everywhere, trailing toward the nearest trench drain. It’d be fitting, he thinks, if it was in such a mangled condition that disturbed onlookers began to question whether it was ever really human.

Newsflash: It probably wasn’t.

Twelve hours of calm followed by the crushing dread of a relapse – somehow both his own doing and not – serves as a stark reminder of why he got hooked on that stuff to begin with. A reminder of the mind’s heavy ease, which he could unlock if he wanted to. The key to just forgetting it all, as opposed to this: tension, bitterness, loathing, panic, confusion, rage; the snake that keeps eating its own tail. He wants to kill every person in this house. He just wants it to stop.

Every time he attempts to unravel part of the thread, he just entangles himself further. Always ends up getting smothered in the web of his own making. Always chokes on it, trapped and writhing, kicking, convulsing – Renee tried to take the straight and narrow path, he tried to get better, he tried, he tried –

And it always leads back to being his fault. He’s the one who chose to take Davin up on the offer, months and months ago. He started this fight, he lost control again, he took too much. He can’t stop. It’s gone way too far this time, but he can’t stop. He doesn’t know how. It all changes at a break-neck speed. The switch that rapidly flickers in his brain, with no middle ground between on and off. There’s nothing to interpret or predict, no moral of the story, no way to keep up. He doesn’t know which version of himself to trust.

Renee drinks the day away, only pausing to go puke in the bathroom when the alcohol cracks down on an empty stomach. The only reason he eats dinner is to comfortably drink the night away, too. Passes out still-clothed in his bed, and wakes up with a predictable gap in memory and a splitting headache.

Tylenol doesn’t help. Cocaine does. Easy math.

Outside his window, the sun is already setting again when Davin comes in, leans against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. Renee is sprawled across the bed, one ankle resting on the desk, head supported by a pillow on the wall. He doesn’t look up from his phone. Just keeps scrolling through social media, aggressively apathetic to every single thing he sees.

“Don’t get too wasted tomorrow,” Davin says.

Renee keeps scrolling.

“I already put up the invite,” Davin explains. “Said we’re ready to go at seven. A lot of them thought he was dead, you know.” He snorts. Hesitates, exhaling through a drawn-out sigh. “It’d be nice if you gave me a signal that you’ve heard what I s—”

“Leave me the fuck alone.”

Davin doesn’t. He sighs again, this time with a note of frustration, as he looks Renee over. “We’re both in this, Renee. You don’t have to like me, but base-level cooperation is the absol—”

Renee jolts upright to hurl his phone across the room as hard as he can. It leaves a small dent in the wall a few feet from Davin’s stupid face, bounces off the top of a side table before it disappears down the crack behind it.

Davin doesn’t flinch, but he does pause. “…the absolute least I expect of you,” he finishes, and there’s an edge to his tone now.

Something’s tearing through Renee’s chest. The familiar gnashing teeth of hatred. He locks his jaw, feels a sneer of contempt distorting his features. “Got it,” he bites out.

The fucker still doesn’t leave. He stands there, keeping the eye contact, before he casts a curious look at the dent in the wall. Turns his attention back to Renee, smirking. “Lucky throw, hm?” And he uncoils his arms, closing the door behind him as he leaves.

Alone, Renee lets out a hoarse growl, breaths coming quickly in the wake of the one he held. Once he’s relatively sure he can move without lashing out at something, he gets up to drag the side table away from the wall. He finds his phone leaning upright against the skirting board, surrounded by tiny fragments of broken glass coated black on one side. The impact left a ridge in the bottom right corner, and some cracks in the screen reach all the way from bottom to top, but when he tries to unlock it, there’s no issue.

Renee lets his arms drop, tilting his head back, eyes closed. Leans one shoulder against the wall, before he gradually lowers his head to it, too. Shifts his body, until he’s standing with his forehead against the wall.

“Shit.”

💵

Maybe absolution isn’t found in the writing burned onto the wall, but in the threads of defiance which arise upon beholding those words. Action, reaction.

Anger, unsuppressed, might be a point of focus.

💵

Because it’s no longer a game of ifs and maybes and depending. The odds have always been stacked in the favor of a violent end, and after escalation upon escalation, it feels like that balance has shifted for good.

Conrad has no idea what date it is, but he’s relatively sure at least a month has passed since that night in the van, maybe a month and a half. It feels like late November, or early December.

He wonders if he’ll even make it to the new year.

He wonders which one of them will do it. In the beginning, he would’ve cast his bets on Renee, but the man’s growing instability makes him reconsider that notion. He’s starting to view Davin as his murderer now. Doesn’t really matter if the trigger has yet to be pulled – it's done already. He wonders if Davin would even hesitate, if he would feel guilt, or even just a pang of simple regret, in the moment or afterwards. If the act of taking a life would have any weight at all.

What are Conrad’s options now? Keeping his head down and being complicit with demands doesn’t work, and neither does bargaining, or pleading for mercy. He tried to run, but that, too, is off the table now. Freeze, flight…

He wants to fight, on a sort of theoretical level, but he doesn’t know how. Can’t quite wrap his head around it. Can’t see the appeal in applying the slipping reserve of his energy to a cause that’s already lost. He’s physically weak and clumsy, he hesitates too much. The pills make him drowsy and slow. It would, objectively speaking, get him nowhere.

But the anger has always been there. And if he still has the option to craft a legacy from all this, he’d want to be the sort of man who resisted until his last breath, head held high. Someone who didn’t just lie down and take it.

Someone who was strong.

And he wonders, in the waning light of day, curled up in his usual corner of the bed, if showing that sort of resilience might make his dad proud. If it might act as an anchor in his grief.

And his throat closes up. He grits his teeth, hands coiled in the duvet, curling tightly around himself. The quietness of the room makes the high-pitched whines in his throat stand out even more.

Every time he thinks about them, the room starts spinning. It’s gotten worse the longer he’s been here. The hell they must be facing too, deep down knowing, just like he does, that this might be it for the memories they’ve made together.

But maybe facing the nausea that comes with his homesickness is worth it.

If he can’t fight for himself anymore, maybe he can fight for them.

💵

It’s not even about being violent. It’s about the refusal to bend.

It’s about the message it sends.

💵

It’s a protest against the smothering pressure surmounted by inauthentic penguin-looking pricks who can’t sleep unless their PJs are steamrolled in the right way. Like the judge, who looked him square in the eye, and told him that his records spoke of a destined re-offender, and then promptly removed any chance he might’ve had of putting his life on the right track. Or his father, whose PR team can pause in their struggle to curb the allegations of worker’s rights abuses to mechanically scrub public records for any mention of the CEO’s son.

Or like Davin, perhaps, in a much more insidious way. Because while he has spoken of partnership and mutual trust from the beginning, something else shines through every once in a while. This smug insolence – it’s so subtle, Renee isn’t even sure it’s there half the time. But then Davin drops a nonchalant remark – lucky goddamn throw – and he’ll wonder why he ever doubted it’s existence in the first place. He thinks he’s better. He thinks he’s so fucking smart.

It's about spitting in the face of the people who interpret your existence as an inconvenience. It’s about reaching up from the pits of hell to gain the upper hand.

He pulls the jacket on, leaves it unzipped over the plain t-shirt beneath it. Straps wrap over each shoulder, but they stop in the seam at his shoulder blades, don’t really have a function. The balaclava is balled into one pocket, the gloves stuffed into the other. His reflection in the bathroom mirror bears a blank expression, eyes dark, jaw set. He washes his face in cold water. Snorts two lines from the black marble counter. When he comes up for air after the second one, his nose is bleeding, and he grunts, stuffing the nostril with toilet paper. It’s not a bad one, though. Eases up after half a minute or so.

Davin is waiting in the hallway. He flicks his head when he looks up, as if he briefly forgets that his hair is bunched in a low bun. Slips his phone into his pocket, pursing his lips. “When I said we’d be ready to go at seven, I meant—”

“Go fuck yourself,” Renee says. Smiles.

Davin rolls his eyes. He turns to walk down the hall.

💵

He wants to mentally prepare himself for it, but when he tries to conjure up the appropriate attitude, it slides from his grip, and reality takes its hold instead. It’s not something you can predict. Not until the lights are on and the camera is rolling. All he feels is apprehension.

Honestly, he can’t stand the thought of looking him in the eye again. But he might as well be doomed if he can’t bite the nausea back and do it.

He grits his teeth as Davin opens the door.

💵

And he shudders. Wrought with the same paralyzing fear that always hits him in this moment; he sits frozen in the first few seconds, as Davin steps to the side and Renee enters behind him.

He’s not smiling. Looks uncharacteristically serious, actually, even if his gait is nonchalant. He comes to a stop in the middle of the room, fishing the gloves out of his pockets, and puts them on one after the other, flexing his hands.

Conrad doesn’t know how to fight, but he thinks he might know how to move, at the very least. So he untangles himself from the duvet, feels them both pause at that, and although he finds his movements unsteady, somewhat shaky, he manages to push himself to his feet, weight resting entirely on his good leg. Swallows down the thought of how dizzy he feels.

Body diagonal to Renee, fists at his sides, shoulders slightly hunched forward. He locks his jaw, mostly to keep his teeth from clattering. The breaths coming through his nose are shaky and superficial, but at least he isn’t hyperventilating. His gaze drifts from Renee to Davin, who intently watches the both of them from the comfort of the sidelines. It feels like they’re all looking at each other in the exact same way, dark eyes across the board, vigilant.

Then Renee gives an unimpressed snort, and he gets that humorous tug at his mouth again, albeit subdued. “I like when you try to grow a spine, Connie,” he mutters, cocking his head to the side. “How long do you think it’s gonna last this time? You tryna beat your fifteen second record?”

Conrad swallows. “I don’t, I don’t think being s… spineless has anything to do with, with being afraid,” he says hoarsely. “It’s about stooping to a certain level.” And he lets his eyes flicker to Davin again, just for a fraction of a second.

Renee raises a brow, nodding. “Nice. I like a good comeback. So how low are we stooping tonight, then?” He locks his hands on his back, bowing forward to meet Conrad at eye level. The sliver of humor is gone from his voice. “Do you wanna see how low I can go? Hm?” Upper lip curled. “I don’t give a shit. How many times do you want me to repeat it? I don’t give a shit.”

The shaking is getting worse, but Conrad doesn’t look away. He’s not fighting for himself anymore. He looks into Renee’s dark eyes, and despite the fear, he snorts. By some miracle, his voice doesn’t waver. He doesn’t even stutter. “How’ve you been sleeping lately?”

The switch from contempt to rage is subtle, a smooth transition. It takes a couple seconds for to sneer to fade, for his eyes to widen. His shoulders slide back slightly, and the depth and pace of his breathing changes.

But Conrad is the first to lunge forward.

Previous / Masterlist / Next

#writing #moneymakers #renee #conrad #davin #suicide cw #gore cw #usually dont give warnings here but ykno. its the first focken paragraph lmao #if u want the rest of the warnings for this one theyre on ao3

[morsobaby]

There's just such a fondness I feel whenever I hear the finnish dub cast of Transformers prime in random ads throughout my life bc i damn near immediately recognise them. It's like oh hi Ratchet how's bookbeat? Omg hello Arcee you're doing Vinted now? I once heard Airachnids VA on a pet supply store ad and it was such a dissonance hearing her put on a cheery marketable tone when I know Airachnid the character would more likely add all those animals to her collection.

Still, makes me a little reminiscent every time. It's a fun surprise.

#My thoughts #Morso puhuu #Ratchets VA is especially talented he has such range #Like he's usually cast in narrator or like. Those reliable feeling voices ykno? #Which is so funny bc back in 2012 he was screaming TARVITSIN SITÄ!!! #(“I needed that”)

[thegleampt2fromtheglowpt22001]

don't get me wrong I get suckered in2 relatively substanceless games all thee time by way ov strange visuals but in my drunk brain I'm concocting a whole thesis abt how games, by virtue ov their lower barrier 2 entry than say, filmmaking for bizarre visuals or literature for intricate obtuse prose, and because u have to interface with them somehow, have a much worse obtuseness-to-richness-ov-themes ratio than other mediums on average

#but maybe im just a self important cynic #after all sometimes i just like 2 interact w something novel #sometimes i turn my critical brain down and its just abt vibes #but ykno theres lots ov film n literature thats super pretentious but is usually easily penetrated #at least easy enuf 2 get 2 thee point u can just roll ur eyes #games there can b like surreal visuals and arcane unexplained mechanics #that u rly gotta work 2 piece together in2 thee themes present in a work #and then once u do ur like. huh thats fairly shallow but was so much (relative) effort 2 understand

[padfootastic]

yeah so it’s not like my codependent james & sirius don’t love or care for other people. it’s that, when it comes down to it, their default is the other and sorry if u don’t think that’s different but it is.

they’re not putting the people in their life on a twisted graded hierarchy, they’re just?? each others?? most important person?? like bro why is it that the most common tropes on fucking earth are a problem when it’s prongsfoot????

#if u couldn’t tell already #i keep going onto the anti pf side of things #and ykno what i’m gonna do it. i’m gonna take the plunge. do what i dislike. and block. #(no but i’ll try to. really) #lEt tHeM bE bRoS #dOnT cHeApEn tHeiR fRieNdShIp #yah and while we’re at this it let’s also let the history books say they were friends #because we don’t have enough male friendships so we need representation 😀 #(sometimes??? do they realise??? they’re regurgitating older homophobic phrases or???) #like bro. ur not the only one w life exp. #‘sometimes i think these people don’t/can’t—‘ shut up shut UP #i hate romance irl. can’t do it will never do it don’t like it. #but that’s not my fictional consumption now is it? #and won’t be either #j&s occupy a space more than friends OR lovers #also don’t know why some people r seeking realism?? in this universe?? esp considering what they’re writing usually?? #like. some self awareness pls? #if y’all can’t tell. i’m annoyed lmao #i’m just sick of seeing j/s treated like. idk. it’s the first or only ship to romanticise friendships or wtv #WHILE and this bit is imp WHILE loudly shipping w*l farar and j*gulus like??? #just say u like those ships and go?? #but also. that last point is just me being frustrated. i get the bitching bc i do the same w those two ships #so like. yeah. respect their right to rant. but won’t respect the rant lol #also…this isn’t @ like anyone in particular . it’s just many people on the anti pf mwpp side i’ve seen who have similar arguments #and they’re always the stupidest #which i wouldn’t care for so much it if they didn’t constantly bring up ‘real life! realistic! not how it works!’ etc etc #yah #that’s it for now #i’m sure i’ll come back later lmao #pen’s whining

[livingproofoftbd]

i fear to sleep knowing what i may wake up to

#ykno this would usually be the time i'd write or doomscroll tumblr but #now idk what to do

[littlestarbigfangs]

aint no way he who was threw in a tip for stabbing him a lil ???

#i usually either make him stab himself all the way (ykno for the astarion approval) #and we fight so i kill him #or just “do the right thing” and scare the dead woman #then he usually just gives me the gloves no gold??? #am i remembering correctly??? #he who was #bg3

[pixiethoughtsfairyfeelings]

Do you have bigger mommy issues than daddy issues?

Yes!! Very much so!! 💫

#babygirl #ask #LMAO #like #the mommy issues have fucked me up as a person more #ykno? #lmao #n e ways #the good news is that i am trying to work through these things witb my momma #mommy issues #daddy issues #the daddy issues is just like emotionally distant father #ykno the usual

[so-very-small]

How many asks do you have in your ask box cause i think it didn't send mine

i’m so so sorry, it probably did send but like. i get anywhere from 5-10 asks a day. i do try to answer all i can, and sometimes i save asks to answer later when i can write up a better response. but. i can’t keep up with all of them so i don’t always reply. im sorry i missed urs anon :c

#ive also been like. dealing with some irl stuff and in a weird headspace #i usually avoid asks or dms when im Like This bc i want to give coherent and thoughtful replies #especially when its like. a serious or well thought out ask ykno

[neptunite-stars]

pain and suffering on planet earth < still sick

#rambles #augurghrhrh i wanna work on the charns SO BAD #fucking dies #last night i had a Crisis and i was thinking about . so many things. i should get a job + do commissions for money and also get my life toge #ther but like. realistically ik that i wont be able to do that. hm now im thinking i should go to get diagnosed for adhd / autism. hm. well! #i was thonking about cosplay stuff before all of that and that sparked me realizing that im a real person that needs money to do things #sometimes i forget that i have a life outside the screen . #its strange . i have a specific feeling in my head but idk if i can put it into words. its like remembering that oh #there is beauty int he world. type of beat ykno. but its like oh. im a person. and usually i kinda hate that i dont like being percieved??? #but recently its more. huh. im alive. im alive and thats great. i should make my life better < but more as if im talking abt sm1 else #liek that one poem / quote thing i brush her hair because she deserves it bc i deserve it type beat #hm. being percieved as a living being doesnt sound bad right now. i think im spitting nonsense b. im sick. woo!

[strulovitches]

Lance had a new girlfriend?

Since when? What happened to the old one?

The old gf as in Sara Pagliaroli or Dian Scwartz? 💀

I think he broke up with Sara maybe a year ago (?) we haven’t seen them together in quite a while and i think they removed ig posts that showed them together so it was assumed they broke up (we don’t know why obviously). then early this year i think lance went to a yacht party in monaco and met Dian (she was the one who posted this pic). people assumed they were dating cause there were pics of them together at Chloe’s wedding in Venice (x). but idk what beef happened between those two but she posted herself muting Aston Martin on Threads a few months later (x) so i assume that things didn’t go well with her and lance 💀💀💀💀

and now lance has a new girl that’s from montreal ~ i think these past few weeks people have noticed lance appearing in some of marilou’s stories and now she’s hard launched tf out of lance (x). so yes! boyfriend!lance is coming back and let’s hope he has a happy relationship with marilou (and that we get more boyfriend!lance content) 🫶🏻

#i came with receipts girl #btw i don’t usually keep up with drivers dating life but #but i had to give evidence for my claims ykno #idk why i remember this timeline so clearly 💀 #so yeah #lance stroll #ask #anon

[gibbearish]

so like i want to talk more abt what suicidal means but the problem is "suicidal ideation presents in two general forms, active and passive. the thing most people think of as suicidal is the active version, where the person *actively* desires to be dead and/or is making a plan to get there. the passive form however gets almost no attention in media so many people experiencing it are unaware they are even depressed, much less passively suicidal. some examples: not wanting to experience death but feeling like you wouldn't mind if you didn't wake up tomorrow or just stopped existing; feeling deeply exhausted with just the entire concept of being alive; even feeling like you want to run away, change your name, and start a whole new life; none of these look like suicidal ideation to most people because they don't involve actively doing anything to get from point a to point b, especially the more abstract ones like the start a new life thing - but remember that in order to truly start a whole new life, you have to destroy your current one. it's not suicidal as in wanting to actually DIE die, it's just. wanting something close enough to scratch the itch. but just because you haven't booked the ticket doesn't mean you don't still revisit the 'vacation activities at point b' tab occasionally to daydream, yknow?" is i think very informative and specific, but its also quite long and run on-y so people are v likely to tap out like a third of the way through it, whereas "suicidal doesnt necessarily mean wanting to die" is way shorter and therefore catchier, but is also the kind of nonspecific phrasing that gets you a thousand angry anons about how you said all suicidal people are just pretending they actually want to die or some dumb shit. so it's a fun line to toe

#especially when youre far too lazy to dig up sources however if u google passive suicidal theres a lot of info #pretty front and center altho you will get jumpscared by the size 1000 font suicide hotline number #or maybe you wont but i sure was. why was it so big #in this house we simply post both as part of another hashtag relatable post in the hopes that the two for one bargain #will entice viewers to read the whole thing and go 'wait but /i/ feel like that what do you mean' #and then make a meta joke about it in the tags so the viewers think we're hip and cool #nah but seriously i see ppl not knowing abt this . so much and every time im like !!!!!!! no youre not crazy youre not supposed #to feel like this!!!! #so its one of the things where im like nah idc if im being annoying abt this as long as i hit the one (1) todays lucky 10000 who needs it #this one i dont remember seeing on any articles but id like to propose also that having trouble imagining your future can count too #and like obviously all of these have exceptions right like. ppl can just want to start a whole new life for non suicidal reasons #but if theres a pattern of these things or you find yourself being drawn back to one over and over again thats #when you should start being like ok somethings afoot #like the imagining ur future one you could easily have trouble visualizing things or even just Not Be Especially Imaginative #...or... it could be that deep down you dont feel like you /have/ one so your brain just. steers away from the subject entirely #and ykno. knowing which one it is is usually pretty helpful LOL #anyways. sorry theres no paragraph breaks i could not for the life of me figure out a good spot for them #/suicide #/suicide mention #/suicidal ideation #/depression #/death mention #and of course i think also like a lot of things this is more of a spectrum than a binary like obviously 'run away and #start a new life' is def a bit less active than 'id be ok w it if i didnt wake up tomorrow' but theyre still both on the lassive side #passive* #eugh im rambling now and not even in the slightly contained way the post itself is #im hitting post without rereading for the 40th time otherwise ill remember another tangent so if theres #any errors left my apologies