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darthspideys · 3 years

Text

antithesis // six

din djarin x jedi! reader

summary: You expected to find another of yoda’s species, much less under the protection of a particularly stubborn mandalorian. Little do you know its that discovery that will change life as you know it, and put all three of you in danger you never saw coming.

words: ~2k

a/n: No thoughts... only that next weeks episode is called “The Jedi” and we’re finally gonna get to see ahoska tano in live action....

disclaimer: I h8 baby yoda and it shows

It’s nighttime when you get to Yavin IV. Somehow you’d convinced him that if he wants to know where the child comes from, the three of you need to go there first. It’s comfortably silent, and stagnant, not even a breeze blows through the trees. You touch down as quietly as you can, and you breathe a sigh of relief as soon as you get your feet in the grass. You take off your shoes, which surprises Din. “I told you, I grew up on a farm,” You tell him.

“Does not explain not wanting to wear shoes.”

“I haven’t felt grass in forever,” You reply.

“You miss home,” He observes.

“Come on,” You say, as the child squirms in his arms, “We’re almost there.”

The door opens to the house and Kes Dameron steps out onto the porch, blaster drawn. Din reaches for his own blaster but you grab his hand to stop him, and signal him to stand back as you walk forward. You walk towards the house slowly, ready to dodge if he shoots which you don’t think he will.

“Hey,” You say, arms raised. “It’s me.”

He looks at you in shock and lowers the weapon. You see a figure crouched behind his legs, but as soon as you step into the light of the porch a little boy runs out into your arms. You smile as soon as you see him, and you scoop him up into your arms. Poe Dameron squeals your name, and you squeeze him tight. “Hi kid, I missed you.”

“You did?” His eyes are just like his mothers and they look at you with wonder.

“Of course I did,” You say, trying to hide the tiredness in your voice.

Kes finally leaves the porch and comes out to meet you, you can tell even more so now that he’s surprised to see you. To be fair, you're surprised that you came back as much as he is but desperate times. “Hi,” He says never taking his eyes off you.

“Hi.” You say back, allowing yourself to have a moment.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, finally.

“I’m in trouble, just a little bit.”

“Oooh,” Poe coos from your arms, “Are you going to get a timeout?”

“I don’t know,” You tickle him a little and he giggles, “Maybe.”

“What kind of trouble?” Kes asks you.

“The Jedi kind,” You sigh, “You’re not in danger but I need a place to lie low for a couple of cycles, and I need to use the tree.”

“Of course,” He says, “I still don’t know how you use that thing but it’s all yours.”

“I’ve explained it to you, multiple times,” You narrow your eyes at him. “You don’t listen,” You break with a smile.

“Probably because it makes no sense.”

The trees rustle and you turn your attention back to the tree line. You forgot that Din was there, oops. “Also I brought a-friend with me.” As if on cue, Din steps out of the tree line and Kes is surprised again.

He looks at you with wide eyes, “Did you go home?”

That’s a loaded question and he knows it. He should also know that you wouldn’t find him at home, though most people have a different definition of home than you do. “I didn’t, I just happened upon him.”

“That’s very coincidental considering the fact that you-“

You cut him off, by punching him in the arm when Din gets close enough to hear you. “Just a coincidence,” You say with a smile, signaling to him that the conversation about that is over. “Anyways I appreciate you doing me this favor and-“ You turn to Poe, who’s beginning to fall asleep in your arms, “shouldn’t you be in bed?”

He’s asleep now and you smile, walking into the house with Din at your heels. The two men stand in the kitchen as you put the young boy to bed in his room, you tuck him in softly and close the door quietly.

You see the way that Kes is looking at you from the kitchen counter, and you sigh. You turn to Din, “You should probably go check on the ship.” He looks at you confused at first, but eventually he nods and walks out of the front door. You turn to Kes, bracing yourself for the conversation you’ve been avoiding for the past year. “So.. long time no see.”

“That’s a nice way of putting it.”

A long drawn out pause ensues, “I’m going to be perfectly honest with you, like I always have been. I don’t know what to say here.” You keep your distance, “I’m not going to say I’m sorry because I know it will just make it worse.”

“But you are sorry?”

“Of course I am.”

“You told me you were done with Mandalorians years ago.”

You knew he was going to bring it up, you cross your arms over your chest and lean back in your chair, “I am.” He’s going to push it, and he’s going to push your buttons because he knows what they are. He’s angry with you, it doesn’t take a genius to know that, and on some level he has every right to be.

He crosses his arms in an attempt to mimic you and gives it right back to you, “It doesn’t look like it.”

“It’s a long story,” You start, knowing that he’ll tell you that he has time so you continue on with the story. “That child he has is force sensitive and I need it before it causes too much trouble. I didn’t think a Mandalorian was protecting it. You saw Mandalore, I didn’t think any of them were left.”

He looks at you in a way that you used to beg him to. He looks like he wants to reach across the table and grab your hand, “I know but-”

“What?” You ask, though you already know what he’s going to say. You know exactly what this whole conversation has been about, the issue that he’s been trying to unearth. It’s not about Din, it never was, it always was about you and where you’ve been.

“It’s been a long time, and you just show up out of nowhere. You didn’t even want to come, you just needed something from me.”

“I wanted to come,” You say, with emotion tickling at the back of your throat. You really don’t want to talk about it, but you figure that you're going to have to face it now or later. “It’s hard for me too, to be here, to see the two of you-”

“Hard for you? It’s harder for me and my son-”

“I can’t do anything about that!” You raise your voice louder than you mean to. “She was my best friend, Kes, and I miss her but I cannot be here,” You pause trying to hold back the emotion in your voice that threatens to overtake your entire argument. “You don’t want me here,” You say quieter than the rest of it, “Neither of you want me here. I am not his mother, I cannot be his mother, and you-” That’s a whole other thing altogether. “You don’t want me here.”

His voice is softer this time, “I want you here.”

You know what he means, you know what all of this means, and you’re mad at yourself for even coming here knowing what you know and knowing the history. He thinks he wants you here, but he doesn’t. What he wants is his wife back and he’s trying to hold onto you like you're some piece of her that’ll fit into a puzzle he’s trying to solve. Maybe you are, maybe you hold some piece of her with you, but you still don’t fit.

“I told you I couldn’t be here, I told you that this isn’t my life and that I couldn’t do all of this. There will always be people looking for me, always someone who wants to kill me and everyone that I love, I won’t put you in harm's way.”

“And suddenly I’m getting a sense of deja vu.”

“You ask me everytime to stay and I tell you that I can’t. It’s the same story, so what makes you keep asking?”

“Because every time I don’t want you to leave.”

“Well maybe if you didn’t want me to leave you could stop being so mad when I show up.”

He’s smiling, “Can’t help it.”

“I know, being a jerk comes so naturally to you,” You laugh a little. “I will stop avoiding you from now on. I will come back here to your stupidly beautiful farm and stay for a couple of days at least.”

“I’d ask you to promise-”

“-but you know I don’t do that.”

“Speaking of things that you don’t do, I think that you should reveal something personal about yourself.”

“To you?”

“To him.”

You roll your eyes, “And what do you suggest I tell him? That I don’t make promises, that I spent six months on a swamp planet with a tiny green thing, that I crashed two x wings in the course of two weeks and or something else that shatters the image I’ve built up of myself.”

“You always want people to be afraid of you.”

“I don’t want people to challenge me, very different.”

“I don’t think it's going to make him want to challenge you.”

You sigh, “I know, but it feels like I’ve lied about it this entire time.”

“Well the best remedy for that is to just come clean.”

You get up from the table and walk out into the yard. The tree glows blue in the harsh moonlight, you're drawn to it like you always are, like you're sure Luke was the moment he first laid eyes on the sapling. The way the force flows through it is familiar, you don’t know if it has the answers you're looking for but what scares you more is not finding them.

You reach out to the tree, putting your hand against its body. The energy is even more powerful when you can touch it yourself, like how the force is clearer when Jedi meditate together. It’s about the physicality of touch, the bringing together of hands, the closeness that comes from being able to hold onto someone or something and not want to let go.

You know Din is behind you before he even says anything, you've become more sensitive to the way he moves, the tiny telltale signs that he's close.

“I was looking for Mandalorians before I found you. I went to Mandalore after the empire-” You don’t even say it, “I stood in the ashes of the capitol and wondered where it all went wrong, and then I wondered if there were more. Which is more than just curiosity.”

“I figured it was more than that,” He says.

“So you know what it is then?”

You realize as you close your eyes and feel in tune with the tree that you should just come out with it. You’ve been with him for three days now, and if he wasn’t already suspicious then he should be. You turn around and his helmet is in his hands.

“I’m Mandalorian.”

“You’re Mandalorian.”

#din djarin #the mandalorian #din djarin x reader #din djarin x you #din djarin series #din djarin fanfiction #din djarin fanfic #din djarin imagine #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian imagine #the mandalorian serie #antithesis series

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fandom-blackhole · 3 years

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Hello there, my darling. It is me 🐣. Forst of all, sorry for leaving you on ''read''. I've been too busy with shitshow happening in my life. Finally, late at night I can indulge in our little world. Also, I am so happy that other readers have been participating! I've seen so many good points! Oh, but I felt kinda bad for the anonnie who was dissatisfied with Boba's lack of proper sexting. Sorry not sorry but I have a blast everytime we bully tech-grandpa Boba. Okay, onto your entries!

Yes, camping with Paz!!! He lives for hiking,

Also sharing a sleeping bag with him,

Yes, yes, especially since nights in the mountains are definitely cold 😉,

Oh god, oh yes, after some intense wrestling session, laying together and stargazing,

Paz with tatts??

Hell yeah!

I've seen noonies being onto idea that Paz is a geek,

So he definitely has a sleeve tatt with all of his favorite heroes,

Also Miles Morales! Omg, yes, Paz favorite movie is Into the Spoderverse!,

Also Paz has some inspirational/self-love related tattoos in this foreign language (mando'a?),

Trip too Zoo with our beloved clan = a disaster,

Lots of pics of Din holding Grogu while petting and feeding animals 😍,

Grogu and his weird food fixation, bless his soul,

Yes! DIPPIN' DOTS, BLUE RASPBERRY ICE FTW,

Yes a frog stuffie!!! When you guys get back home, he waddles back to his cool space room and introduces baby Yoda to his new friend!,

Ah yes, the frog catching disaster,

You and Din discussing getting Grogu a pet frog,

Uncle Paz helps with getting the right terrarium kit!,

You often catch Paz babytalking to his Ad'ika,

Typicial, who's the good boy? Yes, you are,

Also Paz playing dead and his little companion jumping all over him to revive him,

Din as Mando, Grogu as Baby Yoda and you as Omera, you say?? Heck yeah!,

Also Razor Crest needs a costume as well!,

Uncle Boba throwing a huge ass Halloween party,

Big deal event, celebrities showing up,

Kudos to anon who pitched the idea of Bonnie and Clyde!,

Also Pedro Pascal shows up at the party too,

He is dressed as mando,

Shitshow is about to go down 😂,

People getting confused because Pedro and Din not only have similar posture but they also sound similar, it's too uncanny-valley,

Boba would definitely kidnap you from the dance floor to do some urgent wrestling!,

Also umm 😳 gunplay!kink Boba 😳,

You and Paz going trick or treating!!!,

Witch Paz once casted a curse upon a customer who was being a huge karen to the waitress,

He loves his employees dearly, so no messing around is allowed!,

His employees were shipping you with him long before you became a thing,

Paz once jokingly said that he would lick and eat anything off of you,

You were like hmm even spaghetti?,

And he was like heck yess,

Eww, Paz baby, gross!

Next time he was slurp slurping pasta from your body, srsly this goofball,

Afterwards, he cleaned you nicely, through and through no worries,

Giving Boba a head while he dives his expensive car? 😳,

Also he has a big hot tube and a pool in his penthouse!,

Drinking expensive alcohol while snuggling in the tub?,

Making Boba to loosen up, skinny dipping in the pool??,

You and Din were wrestling rather intensively, and he mumbled something about adding another child to you little family,

You didn't pay much attention to that,

Until he started to grunt about putting a baby in you every now and then,

You having a talk with him,

He shyly explaining that it was his deepest desire to have a big loving family,

Admitting that vision of you carrying for Grogu makes him bothered every time,

Also he said he couldn't get the image of you with a baby bump out of his head,

Omg Paz being infertile???

You've just broken my heart as wel...

But Boba and Kamino project to the rescue???,

Or alternatively, he would have no problem adopting children, being blood related isn't important to him at all,

Auntie Armorer comforting him about his problem,

But imagine if he somehow managed to get you pregnant... 😭😭😭

Also, Mr Fett senior looking up from the heavens at his son, thinking when he'd get grandchildren to carry on the family ''business'' legacy

Once again sorry for the lack of my participation I will try to tune in more often, my darling! Also, I didn't add much this time sorry my mind was somewhere else this time. I will try to add more ideas later! - 🐣

Welcome back darling!!! I missed you, and don't worry about being away take all the time you need. I am also glad that you enjoyed all of our other little rambles that I've answered!

Paz named his dog Ad'ika, this man most definitely has quotes/self love tattoos in mando'a, mandalorian ruins, or aurebesh

Paz has a tattoo for all of his fallen friends and teammates he lost while he was in military

Paz baby talking his dog is so fucking cute!!!

Paz definitely taught his dog all of the tricks, including play dead

When the two of you go trick or treating some of the kids do get scared of him because he's dressed like chewie and he's huge. He pouts because he didn't mean to scare them

Paz totally does little curses to the people who come in and are rude, you don't treat his employees like that, or the other customers without retaliation

His employees had a pool going to see how long it takes before Paz actually mans up and asks you out, and then another one fore how long it'll take before the two of you are married

If you would let him, Paz would never use a plate again. He would eat anything and everything off of you, but his favorites are sweets

Chocolate syrup, yes please. Paz makes sure to thoroughly clean you up 😉

Paz finally opens up to you about his impotency issues one night and you hold him close telling him that, that doesn't matter to you

Paz would and could adopt every child he meets if he could

But also like imagine, one day while you both are still dating, you've missed your period for a month or two, but you don't think much about it because you can't have kids with Paz right?

Well you go to the doctors because something is obviously wrong, and because it is procedure they run a pregnancy and it comes back positive and you're just floored

When you get home and Paz asks how everything went, worried about you, you just blurt it out and Paz freezes

He doesn't know what to think, he's overjoyed and he loves you, but he isn't supposed to be able to have kids, so is it his kid? He quickly yeets that thought away because he knows and trusts you

After that he goes full daddy bear mode and is protective of you and just constantly trying to hover over you

Also Paz helping Grogu with finding and taking care of a frog

Din absolutely melted at the sight of Grogu feeding the animals, it made him so proud of his son

Grogu loves all of his stuffed animals and he is constantly playing and talking with them

His favorite is ofcourse his baby yoda

GROGU POINTS TO PEDRO AND ALWAYS CALLS HIM DAD. He does this with the mandalorian and just any pictures

You totally introduce Grogu to bubble tea, and he absolutely L O V E S it

Din making little comments about about want creating a family with you

Din always begging to cum inside of you

Grogu once asked for a little brother or sister and Din almost combusted

As for what Razor Crest should be for Halloween, I would say either a ting Razor Crest ship or tiny Kryate Dragon?

Pedro would be so ecstatic to meet his basically identical twin

(You accidentally go up to Pedro and kiss his cheek at one point before you realize you mixed and Din pouts)

Boba's Halloween party is totally Great Gatsby themed

Boba totally keeps trying to get handsys and you have to push him away

Slow and passionate wrestling in Boba's hot tub

ROAD HEAD! ROAD HEAD!

I raise you, Boba fingering the life out of you as he's driving

Imagine finding a picture of Boba and Jango and smiling at Boba telling him he looks just like his father

Boba joking about carrying on the tradition and making a little Boba

Then the both of you just look at eachother and pretty much jump eachother simultaneously

(Also imagine getting kidnapped by an enemy crime syndicate and Boba just going on a war path)

(SEND ME THOTS!!!)

#🐣 anon #modern au #din djarin x reader #din x reader #boba fett x reader #boba x reader #paz vizsla x reader #paz x reader

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littlespaceporgs · 4 years

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The Clone Wars Reacts - Part 1

Or, Leah thinks Yoda is a badass and thirsts and coos over Plo Koon.

Welcome to part 1 of season 1! Ngl I’ve only got 2 episodes for the first one because i didn’t have time to watch a third, so here we go. These are just the thoughts and notes i took as i made my way through the episode, in their absolute rawness, I’ve barely even edited them so enjoy? and before anyone mentions it, yes I could do these on tiktok and you guys could watch me being an idiot, would anyone be interested in that however?

Tags (if anyone else would like to be tagged in this series, let me know!): @acciokenobi @roseofalderaan @catsnkooks @peacelandbread @littlevodika @icedcoffeeandgays @captainrexstan @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @mcu-padawan

Episode 1: Ambush

> Fuck yeeeeeaaahhh this intro is a fucking bop, I forgot how much I like it

> OH WAIT HANG ON YODAS IN THIS EPISODE, like it’s actually Yoda centric???? mad.. i thought it was going to be anakin and ahsoka this ep

> FUCK I KNOW THAT VOICE *enter ventress* - this woman could step on me and I’d say thank you ✨

> Oh shut tf up Dooku, nobody cares what you have to say

> “Sprung the trap, we have” no shit, is it just Yoda’s trademark to say exactly what’s going on?

> HAHAHAHAHHAAH “ITS MY PROGRAMMING”!!!!!

> I have some questions, who has the creativity to come up with characters and planets that look like this?? Like that’s so cool????

> Huh you actually think you’re gonna catch Yoda???? Interesting thought.

> HAHAHAHAHA SMALL SHRIVELLED GREEN ONE WITH A LIGHTSABER *accurate tho, and I live for Ventress’ sarcasm ngl

> I want to point out the peak humour of one droid saying stop, we’re not gonna fit, followed by a droid attempting to fit >> actually scratch that the droids are hilarious in general

> HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH HIS GIGGLE AND THEN DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT HE MEANT?!

> why is yoda likeable in this episode??? If you can’t tell already, I don’t like Yoda very much.

> “He IS a little one!”

> alright fine. i admit it, I don’t think I’ve given Yoda enough credit, I didn’t like him much, but 10 minutes episode and I’m lowkey giggling at him.

> Dude Yoda is so cool *(Notes: i have written in a column here: should rename the title of part i to “Yoda is a fucking boss”)

> The force is so cool ngl

> “Trouble? Know nothing of this trouble, I do” hahahahaha hahahahaha

> AW HUNNY NO YOURE NOT EXPENDABLE YOU NEED TO GO WITH THE SHRIVELLED GREEN LITTLE SHIT

> good job Yoda make em feel better for me thank you

> *droid battallion approaches and Yoda just fucking sits there* Have I mentioned that Yoda is literally so cool?

> Bruh I shouldn’t be surprised that the 4 of them destroyed an entire battalion but that was legit AWESOME

> HA HA HA HA AH BITCH YODA GONNA KICK UR ASS

> Eh i don’t think I’ve said this enough, Yoda’s fucking cool.

> PFFFFFFFFFFTTTT fully just stole her lightsabers - imagine how much trouble Yoda would’ve saved himself if he had just kept the bastards instead of letting her take them back

> Alright fine, maybe I will enjoy this season.

Episode 2: Rising Malevolence

Notes: I am so sorry in advance, to be honest this entire one is just me either thirsting or cooing over Plo Koon and I can’t help it, and no, I still have not decided dad or daddy (its currently 14(?) hours after I watched the episode and I am still very undecided and I don’t think I’m ever gonna be able to make that choice)

> HEY ITS LITTLE BABEY AHSOKA AND OMG HOLY SHIT HES IN THIS EPISODE????????????????

> Lowkey I dunno if it’s dad or daddy?

> Awwwwwww Lil soka (wait I’m talking about Plo Koon in case you’re confused) (NOTES: uh I know I put it up top but just case you missed it)

> Sorry, did Anakin just say he was gonna ask the council?? The fuck??

>>Be mindful????? Who the fuck is this????

> Ugh it’s palptatunes slimy looking ass

> OBI OBI OBI OBI OBI OBI OBI

> oh shit man that’s bad *if you haven’t clued in I’m going on about the weapon

> AWWWWWW HE WAITS FOR THE CLONES TO GET ON FIRST

> dude what the fuck is going on with his hair??

> Everytime Plo talks my mind goes 🥰 sorry that’s off topic (or is it?)

> At least obi-wan sees sense, Anakin teaching an already reckless Ahsoka was never going to end up with them both being quiet

> AHSOKA! 😠

> Oh wait Wolffe doesn’t have his scar yet????? WAIT DOES THAT MEAN WE SEE HIM GET IT LATER?! Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh-

> HAHAHAHAHA HE ONLY TAKES A BATH ON BREAK

> HMMMMMM AWWWWW I VALUE YOUR LIFE MORE THAN FINDING THAT WEAPON

> There’s more alive, oh good I was afraid that they- aw shit poor Plo he sounds like he feels so guilty

> fucking hell I just wanna give him a hug and kiss his cheek and make it all better (NOTES: see what I mean???? Thirst or fluff?)

> OOP THERE IT IS! I was wondering when the usual Anakin would show up

> “Redeployed himself.... again.” I can feel obi-wans exasperation with this kid man

> Okay so, Anakin is a little shit. So disobey the council but don’t tell them that I’m teaching you that

> Aw no there’s gonna be more clones die??????? Oh no and they have to watch oh no oh no oh no-

> I have questions: How are they screaming? I don’t think that’s how space works??? Ok but I legit don’t know?? Is it even possible to scream in space?? And shouldn’t it have killed them straight away?

> Aaawwwwww Ahsoka my baby (literally anytime this child comes on screen)

> “Anakin where are you” I love obi wan so much hahahahahahahahaha

> WAIT NO PLO AND FEW OF HIS SONS TROOPERS ARE ALIVE DONT LEAVE

> oh good job R2, crisis averted

> Pfffftttt the droid humming is distracting me from the more potential death

> Plo Koon is cooler than Yoda, you cant change my mind so don’t try.

> YEEEEETTTTTT poor sinker yikes I can’t imagine flying through space is fun

> PALPATINE YOU BASTARD HE PROBABLY WANTS MY LOVE DEAD HOW DARE HE

> “Twice the trouble they have become”?????? No shit Yoda. What were you thinking pairing these two disasters up?

> AND THEN HE TRIES TO GET THEM TO ABANDON DAD(DY?)

> R2’s whirring is a vibe tho

> AAAAAAHHHH NOT TO ME PLO MY HEART 🥺🥺

> oh god the animation is terrible (NOTES: I can’t believe it took me that long to make that comment)

> Aw he seems so sad, thank u Ahsoka, she gave him the love and hug he deserves

> Ugh now my internet’s playing up dang it, well this is infuriating, I WANT TO KNOW IF THEY DESTROY THE WEAPON OR NOT?!

> He seems so genuinely scared??????? Plo has me getting major feels

> OH SHIT FUCK THE OTHER DROID SHIT FUCK NO SHIT

> how did everyone hate Ahsoka when this first came out??? I love her so much

> I mean like, I know they’re not gonna die??? But I still feel so anxious omg

> Holy shit the disappointment that rolls off of dooku is kinda hilarious (it took all of me not to start giggling at this)

> “Riiiiiiiiiiiiight the council report”

Alright gonna stop here, because I have class in 20 minutes and there is no way that I am leaving the library if I start watching episode 3 so uh see y’all next time for episodes 3,4,5 and maybe 6??

#star wars #star wars the clone wars #tcw #clone wars #react series #blue-space-porgs reacts #ahsoka tano #anakin skywalker #yoda #obi-wan kenobi #star wars imagines #i have a deep love for #plo koon #please protecc my love

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iwriteforthetincanman · 4 years

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Mandoctober Day 16: Tatooine

ALT TITLE: Stardust, The Force and one big beautiful mess

A/N: at first I wanted to continue the sandcrawler scavenger reader I did (which I will do eventually with or without Mandoctober to guide me) but I went through some personal stuff so I more or less wanted to base this around family and where your roots are from rather than Tatooine itself, which in its essence is that one scene with Luke skywalker standing outside his home with the twin suns and later on down the line, his final resting place along with his twin sister Leia.

Someone dear to me passed away almost ten years ago now. The anniversary is the day Season two comes out. Which is essentially why I’m so committed to this fandom now. But I also wanted to write something just to get the remaining grief out of my system.

Mum, this one is for you.

Ni kar’tayli gar darasuum Buir.

Poe Dameron x reader, Nameless!Mother (or Mother Figure) x Din Djarin

(FOR CLARIFICATION DIN DJARIN IS THE READER’S FATHER IN THIS ONE)

also somehow I wrote 5K in two hours none stop...am I Alexander Hamilton?

It had been so long since I had been home. It hurt to think of the place where I came from. Hatred had leaked into my very belief system, my culture...even my family.

I felt like they hated me for leaving... but I was scared that they’d never miss me. That I had only been a ghost in their lives. There for 18 years and then poof! I was gone.

My father, Din Djarin, the Mandalorian saved my mother from slavery when she was quite young. Around my age to be precise. He had no idea at the time because she had been living with an Ugnaught named Kuill. That’s why my middle name is Kuill. I owe that fateful Ugnaught my existence for freeing my own mother from slavery when she was barely even a woman.

She had nowhere else to go...and instead of keeping her grounded and sheltered away from the rest of the world. He let her live.

Growing up you hear stories of people dying all around you, neighbours, friends and yes, even pets. It hurts so much you can’t even comprehend it. You become numb and barren to the pains of the world.

It feels like you don’t care anymore.

It got to a point where I was making things up in my head out of anger. How I would’ve handled things differently, what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go.

But my father had only one strict rule.

Once we set down roots...we can never leave.

I never questioned it after the first time he told me why.

My mother...on the day I decided to leave, knew that something was wrong.

Lately I had been restless, agitated and easy to anger.

At first she thought I had fallen pregnant. Something that had made us both laugh at the time. It was a hollow memory to me now. I had no idea if she was dead or alive.

It hurt. The unknown. Death, life. It didn’t matter.

What mattered was the fight to live. To help others thrive.

You were raised to be everything the First Order was against.

So of course you wanted to join the resistance at the first chance you got.

---

“NO.”

“But-”

“No means no! Do you have any idea what your mother and I went through to bring you this life, so you could live in the peace that the universe scarcely gives? Do you have any idea how lucky you are?!”

“That’s exactly why I have to go! Don’t you understand that! I love living here. But some people aren’t as lucky. You know that more than anyone in this village buir. Mum knows it too.”

It went deadly quiet for a moment.

“I did not bring you this life...risked everything with my culture, my creed, just so you could selfishly throw it away...I don’t want you to die like my parents did Ad’ika.”

I didn’t say it then but...that was another reason you needed to go. To make your ancestors and those Mandalorians who came before your father proud.

It was the one time Din Djarin had let his guard down.

You crept away into the night, leaving only a kiss on your little (in size) brother’s brow and a note next to your mother’s tools.

It was the best way you could’ve said goodbye.

“I am one with the force and the force is with me...This is the way.”

---

Two whole weeks later I found yourself on a planet that was the polar opposite of what I was used to. So much technology that I didn’t know the names of, ships, speeders, weapons and people.

It was strange how seeing so many people made you euphoric at the time. I was only a rookie, and I had never left home before. Of course I was nervous.

There was so much to learn! Keeping up with the resistance is what scared you, what if they threw you out? You had trained under your mother’s mechanical know how just to get here but what if-

“Djarin! Y/N!”

“HERE!” You hadn’t realised how loud you had been until all the people turned to look at you funny. Whispers and giggles followed. Maker, this was embarrassing.

“Good to know you’re here. I’m Poe Dameron by the way. Noticed you weren’t paying attention. You nervous?” Making eye contact with the most gorgeous man you had ever seen was the last thing you had expected. He was a hot shot pilot apparently. You heard a girl giggle behind your head as she winked at him. Oh, give me a break.

“...A little.”

“Okay well don’t be. You recruited for a reason and according to where you’ve been registered you’re the best mechanic we’ve seen in a long while. Which is why you’ve been assigned to my X-Wing.”

Jealousy dripped in ugly green buckets. You were quite fond of the colour, with it being the colour of your little brother’s skin. But...it hurt nonetheless.

“Yes sir.” You whimpered pathetically.

You were doing this for them. Not for some pilot you had only just met. Well...him too.

---

Crashing into General Leia Organa with heaps of your paperwork was not how you planned your first day ending.

“Kriffing Bantha fodder! Why don’t you watch where you’re-Oh my god you’re Princess Leia.”

To say you had been absolutely obsessed with her when you were younger was an understatement.

She reminded you of your mother in so many ways it hurt to look at her.

Which is why you were so confused when she touched your cheek only to find yourself crying at just the sight of her.

---

“So...you left on bad terms with not only your father, but your family in general. Even if your mother never found out?”

“I’m worried that it’ll put a strain on my parents relationship with each other more than anything...I can’t contact them or write. It’s too risky.”

“Your father taught you well.”

“Wait...you know who my father is?”

“Many people have heard of the Mandalorian that killed Moff Gideon with the dark saber. Some have speculated that it was a myth...now I can see that it wasn’t since you are living proof of what Mandalorians can create.”

“My mother was never a Mandalorian. She was a Mechanic through and through...she just happened to be thrown into motherhood twice along the way.” you joked bitterly.

Your parents had told you the tales of Moff Gideon. It was a fairytale that had been shrouded in mystery. Something you weren’t expecting to hear from the two people you admired the most.

“I love my family. That’s all Mandalorians care about. Their clan and their people as a whole. I’ve neglected that part of myself for far too long. We had to hide to be safe. It made me angry. I told my dad I was going to leave the night before I did. He said no...I went anyway. It doesn’t matter what he thinks...not right now. I have to put what matters to me in this universe first.”

“Hmm...you sound a lot like a young jedi knight i used to know.”

“Are you talking about Master Luke Skywalker?” You were getting excited now.

“No...one of his students he took for a very brief period. You see the child was the same species as Master Yoda but he was already fifty years old. A relationship where a padawan is already older than their teacher? That...now that is strange.” Leia giggled to herself.

Everytime you glanced at her all you could see were fragments of your own mother. You understood why everyone here adored her. Why she was in command whilst others who thought they deserved it, weren’t.

She was a mother through and through. Whether to her own child or not, you knew she didn’t realise this one fact alone.

“You remind me of my buir. She has many similar features...not the same just, similar.”

“I’m honoured you think of me that way Djarin. But I believe that there is an anxious pilot waiting for you in the hangar.”

“Kriff! Thank you for the Caff General. It's a lot different to what I’m used to but it’s a welcome change.” Getting this out in one breath you bowed somewhat awkwardly before running out of the canteen.

---

“Y’know you’re strange right?”

“Kriff!” Banging your head on the bottom of Poe’s X-Wing was not how you wanted this to pan out.

“You’re annoying, did you know that?”

Watching his face was like observing a painting, depending on your interpretation and the angle the motions you saw were just-

“Mesh’la.”

“What...is that some weird curse word or somethin’?”

“Uh! No, I mean, yes! I mean...maybe.” scratching the back of your neck, you attempted to soothe the bump that was forming there. That was going to be a little ray of sunshine to wake up to tomorrow morning.

“Hey, let me take a look at that.” Turning around somewhat hesitantly. You let Poe take a look at your ‘wound’.

“Yikes, looks like a lot of blood.”

“What!”

“I’m kidding. It was a joke to get you less stressed out...obviously it didn’t work.”

“Sorry...I’m just anxious, I guess.”

“Wanna talk about it? My X-wing is in great shape right now by the way, my old mech checked her out before you shipped in. He was a great guy but...he was one of a handful we lost.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Hey it’s okay. Death is a part of life, unfortunately I learnt that at a tender young age.”

“What happened? ...if you don’t mind me asking that is.”

“...My mother, she was a pilot just like me. She fought for what she believed in and yet, she died anyway. It hurts but...I fight because of what my parents did.”

“No way! Me too! My parents took a back seat compared to what the resistance did back in the day but my Dad was a total badass and my mum...well, my mum was a slave.”

The look of shock you saw on Poe’s face was something you mistook for awkwardness.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped Captain Dameron.”

“Nah, you did the complete opposite actually...we’re gonna spend a lot of time together for god knows how long so it’s good that we get the emotional baggage out of the way first.”

The smile he gave you made your knees turn to jelly.

You didn’t know then how taken Poe already was with you, He thought you were cute, but he underestimated how much of a badass you really were. The knowledge of your parents though...he tucked that away for safe keeping right next to the ring that sat against his heart.

Little did he know then how much emotional baggage you really had...

---

-3 YEARS LATER-

“DJARIN WE NEED YOU IN MEDICAL STAT!”

“DON’T YELL AT ME LIKE I’M ONE OF YOUR NURSES MCLAGGEN! I CAN HANDLE IT!”

“I KNOW THAT, THAT’S WHY WE NEED YOU!”

Although you admired your crew mates sometimes you wanted to rip off their kriffin’ heads.

Everyone was stressed lately. All three of the golden trio had vanished, out of sight, out of mind. And to make matters worse, Leia was just as worried as you were.

“Commander Djarin!”

“Poe!” Running to your best friend in the whole freaking universe, you wrapped him in the biggest hug you could muster. You had been so worried about him.

“I missed you! I was so worried...I didn’t know what to think…” Shame and guilt crept into your very being as Poe stood before you, he was carrying a very solemn aura. Something bad had just happened. You could feel it all around you now. People were sobbing in the courtyard.

Everyone was upset...but that could only mean-

“No...No, don’t you dare tell me she’s gone.”

“Y/N I’m sorry.” Poe was a mess, just like you.

He held you in his arms as you screamed in agony until nightfall.

---

“I’m never gonna be good enough for this. Not like she was.”

Hearing Poe go through the worst thing he had ever faced once again broke your heart tenfold. More than yours was breaking already.

“Poe Dameron, you listen to me and listen well okay?”

Every part of his being was hyper focused on you as you said these next words, it’s like you were commanding them into his brain.

“Leia loved you. She may have never said it out loud but she said it in the ways any mother would. She was the mother of the resistance sure but she had a real soft spot for you after everything with...Ben.”

Comparing Poe to Kylo Ren was a painful business but everything about grief was painful, it made you focus on the good and the bad.

“Family is more than blood. That’s what my father’s creed taught me. I will never forget it as long as I live. When this is all over and he’s not going to put a knife through my chest just for leaving I’ll introduce you. Hell, I’d drag you back to my home planet right now if i could...you would love it.”

“I’m sure I would...Mesh’la.”

“...What did you just call me?”

“I got that right didn’t I? It’s not an insult, it’s a compliment? I thought it meant beautiful I was just guessing off interpretation I didn’t read any mmph-”

You had cut him off by slamming your lips onto his. Sure, it was inappropriate to make out in front of both your mother figure’s corpse but...you knew by now that many times she had told you to tell him how you truly felt when it came to war?

It was now or never.

She had that with Han Solo and in the blink of an eye he had left.

But Poe? Poe had been your constant throughout all of this, he loved you in ways you could only imagine and you loved him. Even if the kiss ended up not meaning anything...you knew you would never regret it as long as you live.

“Ni kar’tayli gar darasuum Poe Dameron.”

“WHA- what, um, ahem, does uh, that mean?” You had flustered him, you felt pride in your very soul for doing that.

But Damn if his tousled hair didn’t like so fine? Maybe it was the fact you had just clawed your fingers through it like the world was ending...but in a way it kind of was.

“I will keep you in my heart forever...that’s the Mandalorian way of saying I love you Poe Dameron.”

“Oh...MANDO’A!”

You leapt back at this, not the reaction you were hoping for. But it was so ardently Poe you couldn’t help the grin on your face.

“What about it?”

“That’s your culture! Your language! That’s why you told me your father is such a bad-...ass”

“There a reason you’re just saying ‘ass’ to yourself, General?”

“Oh bantha fodder...I’m gonna have to ask for your father’s blessing to marry you by talking to a Mandalorian?”

An audible gasp snapped him out of his stupor.

“You...you were gonna propose?”

“Of course.”

The painting had returned. The painting you kept in your heart and sang to every day. The one you comforted when he had nightmares, no matter how close to your body he was, you knew by that point your friendship was long gone.

You had never put a label on it...but in a way, you had always been each other’s ‘one’.

And now...He was asking you to be his riduur?

“Leia convinced me. She said if I didn’t buckle up and saw what was right in front of me throughout this whole war. I would've killed myself over my love for you.” Confirming that he was in fact, in love with you, was a breath of fresh air.

Even if the jungle you had been camped out in for months on end had changed your temperament you couldn’t help the tears welling up in not just your eyes but Poe’s as well.

“Y/N Kuill Djarin. I love you so damn much it hurts to leave you every time I ran to that hangar. I knew everytime I left it could’ve been the last time and it scared me. Because who was I going to be if I never found my forever girl? My mom told me that much before she passed…”

Shara Bey’s ring. The fact that he had carried the ring of his deceased mother around for years on end just to be close to her made your heart simultaneously sing and cry.

Not only because the ring was now yours to keep.

But so was the man who gave it to you.

That night, before the final battle, your hearts beat as one.

---

You had won.

Everyone had celebrated, you both drank so much that when you woke up in bed together the next day, despite the crippling twin headaches, all the two of you could do was laugh.

“I mean...if we think about logically it was only a matter of time before one of us pounced on the other?” You offered into the awkward harmony you had both fallen into.

“Yeah but I just really wanna know...I didn’t hurt you right?”

You had never told him, but Poe knew just by the way you had gotten up to get some water, despite the fact he was ready for round two almost instantly due to how the sheets bunched and fell from your figure, that you were a virgin.

But just from the simple process of illumination of what little you had told him of your life before the Resistance or BP he liked to call it (before Poe), you preferred BB (before Beeps), he knew you had never been in a relationship. Not properly anyway.

Not with him.

In a way the thought of being your first filled him with joy...but every time he had imagined it he had expected to be a gentleman, rose petals, lilies, gods, any flowers he could’ve found in that blasted rainforest would’ve been perfect!

What he didn’t understand was how the drink had addled his brain so drastically that he had just pounced like a feral animal on his precious girl. He wanted to take your innocence on your wedding night (Your engagement hadn’t yet been announced to the Resistance as you both wanted to wait for the onslaught of weddings to die down before the wedding of the century was even announced so in a way, your relationship as fiance’s technically still didn't exist).

And yet...you realised something during the haze and the blur of everything Poe and you last night.

You had made a new home here, a life for yourself...and it was good.

You had done exactly what your parents did and more.

So of course you were emotional. I mean, you two hadn’t even used protection!

Although...you didn’t share this with Poe the thought of a little version of you and him growing within you? It set your heart on fire. So when you kissed him with the passion of a thousand thunderstorms, you didn’t hesitate to return the favour of last night...and then some.

---

Shuffling into the cantina had never felt so awkward in all of your three years here. You were 21 years of age now. People hooked up all the time and it’s not like you broadcasted your virginity to anyone here.

That was until the green bundle of joy himself practically flew into your arms.

“Ad’ika?!” Your exclamation panicked Poe, his hand immediately going to your waist as he inspected the creature wrapped around your neck. BB8 whirled in Ad’ika’s wake, circling the figure of 8’s around the both of you.

“What, they did?” Ad’ika looked up at you like you had grown three heads. Sure, he looked like a kid. But he was now roughly 90 years old. He was a fully grown child now. You still blushed like a little girl apparently as he continuously giggled into your neck.

“Not important right now buddy. Where are our buirs?” You muttered tearfully. Today had turned into a whole other kind of day.

“C’MON GUYS HURRY UP I’VE NEVER SEEN A REAL LIFE MANDALORIAN BEFORE!!” Seeing friends of yours running past only to be met with the vision of your buirs brought you the relief that no bacta patch (or in this one specific case casual sex???) could ever give.

Your mother was vision as always and Poe confirmed it.

“Y/N...I knew the day I first met you that you were beautiful but the fact that your mother looks almost exactly like you right now scares me.”

“Poe, whatever you do don’t say anything inappropriate around my Da, he won’t appreciate it, at all.”

Even though you were smiling like crazy, Poe knew you were being deadly serious. You didn’t want anything to ruin today.

Besides, there was only one reason your buirs were wearing their armor once more. Your father was wearing all of his Mandalorian armor, scuffed and slightly dusty with age (he had clearly left in a hurry) but your mother was wearing her long forgotten robes. Once she was planning on giving to you one day. You realised she looks a lot like Rey right now.

The dark saber she carried at her side confirmed it.

But her eyes meeting yours from across the room as she spotted her daughter reunited with your son, caused both you and Poe to tear up once more as she grabbed her Riduur’s hand.

“Excuse us.” Polite as always, she waited for no one as she made her way to you and only you as she almost tripped over poor Beeps in the process.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

You both laughed a similar laugh that any one around would recognise. It was like Leia had come home but you all knew she was gone...she was never truly gone. She lived on through each and everything the resistance had touched.

Including you...and Poe.

Din and your mother.

Ad’ika...and Luke Skywalker.

Your mother the day she killed Moff Gideon with a light saber that she did not know she had the untaught skills to possess.

It was like strings were tangling and wrapping and strangling…

Except it was beautiful.

“We missed you so much Ad’ika.”

Looking into the eyes of your buir, his scarred and worn face now riddled with crow’s feet from the happiness you had placed there.

It was home.

---

Drums beating. Heart pounding. Numerous friends and family to you and to Poe squabbling over what hairstyle you would wear.

Today was the big day. Surprisingly you had announced it a week ago.

After everything that had happened, when your father showed up, Poe asked right on the spot if he could marry you. Not caring that he had to prove himself in the trials of Mandalore.

In his heart he had become one with your clan. He had become a son in your father’s eyes, another foundling that had just found his way here.

“I know men aren’t technically allowed to be in the chamber, but I just had to meet my future daughter-in-law before the big day.” Your breath catching in your throat, your eyes met those of a man you recognised.

Although you had never met it’s like you had a scrapbook in your mind or all the stories, all the little details of what Poe’s Dad looked like.

He was more handsome than you originally thought, but that was a given seeing as it was the exact same as when you met Poe himself.

“Nervous?”

“Surprisingly...not at all.”

“Poe...wanted me to give you this.”

A glance of the ring gave you a flicker of a moment of self-doubt. He would never have his own Dad break things off...would he?

“Don’t worry. It’s a family thing you know, for father’s to give away their daughter’s. I asked your mother but I had no idea that she was from the tribe of many mothers.” Giggling to yourself at that line, you realised where you had got your spirit from.

Leia was here with her own family today, you could feel it in your bones.

“It’s sweet of you to ask at all when we have never even properly met.”

“Ah, you’re wrong there, in a way we have. Poe told me so much about you I began to cry before the wedding even started. Good thing he told me at the bachelor party.”

Raising an incredulous brow at him, you wondered a silent question.

“It was just me and him for most of the night before drinks with his friends. Don’t worry, Poe’s not that kind of man.” Smiling to yourself, you knew he was right. You also knew this meant Poe had a terrible influence of friends. You loved them all. Of course Poe asked Finn to be his best man and you asked Rey to be your maid of honour.

They wanted everything to be perfect.

Although a week made everyone go a bit stir crazy. Someone even came up with the rule that as long as we were all staying on this damn jungle planet. We might as well have a week in between each one to plan.

You can’t remember how many bridezillas had attacked you over Poe Dameron in your dreams.

In reality everyone was happy for you, in their minds, if they thought about it you were the perfect match for Poe in each and every way.

Wait ‘til they found out how short the actual ceremony was.

“Anyway, Shara, god's rest her soul, would’ve given you this if she were here, but I’m here to tell the tale so I’m giving it to you to wear on the chain she gave him when he was little.”

Feeling tears well up in sympathy for the father and son duo, you couldn’t help but ask.

“I’m getting married so I need to know. How did you ever learn to cope with the pain of losing someone that close to you?”

“Simple...I didn’t. Poe was angry for years. Not just at the world but at the system. It’s why he felt he had no choice but to become a spice runner. The system wouldn’t let him win and he was exhausted from the guilt and the grief. I couldn’t bring myself to reprimand him.”

Remembering something your mother said to you long ago...you knew you had to tell your future father in law something that had been on the backburner for the last few days of preparation.

“There’s one small detail in all of this that you should know Kes.”

“What’s that…”

“...I’m pregnant.”

“Goodness! How? Wait no, I know how what I meant was when?”

“About a month ago now?” It was before my parents' surprise visit and Poe dropped the bomb on everyone that he intended to marry me.

“Let me guess, he asked for your Dad’s blessing?”

“Well...yeah.”

“Think of them as an early wedding present.”

“Thanks. Although at least this means I can get out of consummating the marriage.” Laughing nervously, Kes was about to say something else when the door creaked open once more.

“...Wow.”

“Hi Dad.”

“Um..sorry but I’m guessing your Poe’s father Kes?”

“Yeah, Heard a lot 'bout you and your daughter over the years.”

Smiling to yourself, you let them chat as your Mother crept from behind your father’s ceremonial cape (It had a red inner lining and fur lining the top, don’t ask) She looked just as radiant as you did.

“My daughter.”

“Hi Mum.”

“Did none of your friends fix up your hair?”

“We couldn’t decide on a style…”

Sadly you knew your time to prepare was drawing to a close, you needed to be as ready as you were when repairing the X-Wings.

“How about...I do your hair like my mother did for me?”

Tearing up at the mention of your grandmother, god's rest her soul, you wished she were here to see this.

“Please.” ---

Poe was nervous. No doubt. Finn was panicking and Rey wasn’t helping with all the screaming and waving around the chairs and tables she was doing by abusing the force just to get things done quickly.

Today...was a mess.

But it was the best kind of mess.

Jokingly, Finn had put a bow tie made for large Loth Cat’s around Beep’s neck. Poe had agreed that he had never looked so dapper. What they didn’t expect was your Dad’s distaste for droids and his dry humor.

Poe knew why though, so he didn’t get angry or throw a fit like the first time you met BB8 and was scared to shit.

It was strange that you had never met a proper droid before that day.

And wow, now he was marrying you. Time flew, so quickly.

To break the ice Poe had asked Din the story behind Ad’ika. In a quick attempt to get to his daughter before the ceremony took place, people filing in as he talked and avidly listening, he told the story of how he had come across the beauty that was/is your mother, how he met Ad’ika, how he had saved his life. Why Poe had discovered the secret tattoo of a mudhorn on your back. One that you had received from your Auntie Cara Dune you added fondly.

Who he would be meeting for the first time today.

The jungle had never looked so beautiful. You had both decided that the wedding would take place around dusk on the last night of summer, when it was not too humid and yet hot enough that the ceremonial wear had to be adapted to the heat.

Din had graciously warned Poe about Mandolorian traditional wedding dresses and how your mother had worked night and day to make your dress perfect. Poe quickly learned that your mother was a jack of all trades.

This was his family now. Forever and always.

A crescendo began as the miscellaneous Mandalorians dotted around the room beat the traditional drums to a high and demanding tune, light glinting off their multi-coloured helms dancing in the setting sunlight. With the Fur pressing against Poe’s throat he had jokingly said he looked like a king.

When Din answered back saying since he was a clan leader he technically was choked on his own spit.

Her fiance, the love of his life, had been a princess in disguise this whole freaking time.

It stuck in the back of his mind as the music grew too demanding, but as gasps filled the room he couldn’t help looking up.

Your mother was walking you down the aisle, your dresses looking not so similar yet similar enough that anyone and everyone knew you were one and the same, yet different.

But you, Gods above, you.

You looked like a princess.

Beskar cladded your upper arms, two feathers decorated your hair, matching braids flowing down your neck as your squeezed your mother’s arm in excitement upon spotting your future Riduur.

You had both made it out alive. And happy.

Not everyone had been so lucky, but you were doing this for them. To keep their memory alive.

And as Poe attempted to make love to you that night and you jokingly told him that traditionally you can’t touch the bride for another week if she has already fallen pregnant.

Let’s just say he got a matching bruise on his head from the first time you met.

Yeah, it was a mess.

But you were both finally home.

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stinkgh · 5 years

Text

16 (aka 'things I think are romantic' revisited)

I want a love that will make me feel safe and protected.

I want a love that will speak to my insecurities as if they were friends. Hell, I want to speak to my insecurities as if they were friends lmao I'm trying to get better with that.

I want a love that will fucking spoil my ass man I am a goddamn princess and yes I want a crown bitch. God please stroke my ego, but only when we're alone because that's more intimate to me than when we're in public. I dont like being the center of attention around other people but when we're alone I better be the fucking universe and all the stars in the system. I want you looking at me. I want you watching me. I want you cataloguing my every move. I want a love that will notice things I like without me having to tell them. I want a love that pays attention, because I do the same when I truly fall in love. You'll know when I'm in love because I won't be able to take my eyes off of you. Literally. And yes, I will be cataloguing you and noticing things you like without you having to tell me, either. I believe that people pay attention when they love someone.

But I don't want enmeshment and this is something I struggle with due to my upbringing, which brings me to another point. I want a love that will understand. I have so much pain from my childhood and because of that I've done shit I'm really fucking disgusted with. When I say I have trauma I want a love that uderstands what that means. It means I have a host of personality disorders that I'm currently sorting through, it means that I have an attachment disorder that makes me a fucking monster when it comes to this shit. At surface level it makes me not want to be around people for long periods of time. Anxiety and depression. Trust issues and abandonment. Clingyness and obsessiveness and anxious attachment because of deeper psychological issues I'm currently working to heal. In fact, this snippet was added on post because I'm realizing wanting to be watched so intently is actually one o those psychological issues stemming from my mother's neglect when I was a child. But this list is not set in stone and will grow and expand as I do. For right now, something like that is accurate. I want to be someone's center of the universe. Maybe that might change in a few months. Who knows? On a deeper level it means the way you say things can trigger a response in my body that makes me panic as if I'm right back in the abusive situation I worked so hard to escape. It means please dont throw that in my fucking face the way my family does. It means please respect when I need time alone, or when I see something in a movie that triggers me and I have to leave the complex because I'm having mild flashbacks and don't want to be there anymore. I need a love that will understand the nature of my trauma is embarrassment and shame and that I already feel fucking awful for needing to walk away in the first place. I need a love that will be kind to me, my trauma, and my triggers. I also need to do that for myself, and why I'm so excited to start therapy and learn some coping mechanisms and better ways to think. It's why I love my journey so much because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm so tired of living this way, so tired of being hard on myself, and that the changes I want will work because I'm declaring they will right here and now. I want a way out, a way around, a new ground to stand on, a better view 🙌 And that's why I know I'm doing this for me and no one else, but also possibly one day there might be someone else and I'd like to not regress into a literal bean when the bad things happen.

I want a love that wont allow me to become my shadow. I want a love that knows her self worth more than her love for me. I want to know my self worth more than my love for her. I want a love with potential to grow in spirituality and health if those are goals we deem worthy to share, and I add that last part because right now I struggle with both spirituality and health so first and foremost these are goals for myself. I want to be a healthy bean, not a rotten one.

I want a love that will put up with my obsession with Kimbra. But not just Kimbra, my love of music in general. I want a love that is able to share things but also respect our differences and not try to make one conform to the other. This is a huge me thing by the way. Enmeshment. Also ties in to avoidant attachment disorder due to my inability to be around people and exert my uniqueness without fear of being judged, ridiculed, or feeling like I have to change who I am in order to conform to others so that I won't be singled out. Which, really fucking bothers me because as a teen I never really cared about this shit before. I always prided myself on being different, the ""rebel"" but in actuality a huge fucking weeb who didn't care how weird other kids thought I was. Where the fuck did she go, HELLO?? ARE YOU IN THERE?? Oof, got a shriveled up "no" on that one, I know I know. You're hurt, but guess what? you're alive. Just all shriveled up like a raisin. Some people like raisins, you know. I once had a bag of grapes sit in my freezer for a literal month and some of them turned to raisins by the end of it. They were surprisingly good. You know what, I should buy grapes when I'm out tomorrow, but not the red ones they suck. The green ones taste better. Oh! Then I can make some green raisins and they'll look like Yoda! Hah!

I want a love that will embrace my sarcasm and dry sense of humor, but I also want a love that won't use sarcasm to hurt and that is also a huge me thing. I have to heal my family's run with emotional abuse before I can love someone else because I have already let it show itself and me and that is not my definition of what love looks like. I want a love that will not shy away from self inspection and mental health. I want a love that takes an interest in this process with me. I want a love I can lean on when it gets overwhelming, a love that understands when I mess up and wont be afraid to tell me when I'm wrong. I want to be capable enough of self Inspection to the point of letting someone else in without feeling threatened, to know that someone else has my best interest in mind and to do the same for my partner. I want a love that treats mental health as a vital aspect to life. I want a love that isn't afraid to speak their truth but can also handle hearing someone else's truth, because we are both individuals walking a different path and my truth will not always equal yours and neither will yours always equal mine. I want a love based on respect at all times. I want a love that doesn't push boundaries. I want a love that's mature enough to handle mature situations in a mature manner. This is a me thing, but also a requisite I'd hold long term for my partner as well. In fact, all of these things should be long term.

I want a love that's warm and cozy. I want a love that makes me miss it everytime I have to leave because it'll be that much better when I come back. I want a love that will hear my name and think warm, happy thoughts, and the same for me when I hear my partner's name. I want a love that lasts a lifetime. I want a love I can grow old with. I want a partner, a lover, a friend, a confidant, a business partner, a co-parent, a marriage, a bond, a mate, a werewolf to my vampire, an angel to my demon. I want a fire, a hot burning love filled with so much passion it could melt everything around it. Engulf me, I want to be consumed by everything a love like this would bring. I want to be swallowed up by a love so powerful we could rule the world together. I want it raw and then I want to bake it at the right temperature, decorate it and make it pretty. I want a love that will help me make something so beautiful. I want a love that will help me maintain it's beauty all the way until the end. And then when it's time to go I want a love that will help me eat it, too.

Yeah I just compared love to baking a cake. I also want a love that wont mind my cheesy metaphors. Secretly I like being poetic. My life has so much darkness you have to find light somewhere.

I want a love that will love me every bit as much as I love them.

This is the kind of love I want.

#ref1

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