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#you know maybe i kinda have feelings for her a little bit
xenteaart · 7 hours
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it's not about the roses
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pairing: chan x reader (i wrote it with idol!chan or producer!chan in mind, but despite a brief mention of the studio it can fit any au, really) word count: 1,1k genre/warnings: er, fluff, a hint of angst if you squint but overall just tooth rotting sweetness. reader being kinda vulnerable author's note: inspired by my and @skzms 's channie brain worms, me crying over how boyfie he is in may's dms and her coming up with this little prompt. i'm manifesting a sweet healthy relationship for y'all, never settle for less <3
you were never the one for flowers, really.
it just didn’t seem anything meaningful or special, an occasional cute little bouquet on some first date you had ages ago, meeting someone completely new after mindlessly swiping them right on a dating app. plus, it’s always such a bother to take care for it. disassemble the thing, cut the stems, change the water, maybe cut off the leaves too.
at some point, you began to think of yourself as more of a practical person, taking gift giving to the point where it completely lost symbolism. always getting your friends and family either money or something they specifically asked for.
“at least, they’re actually gonna use it and get some utility out of it. ‘s good, right?” you thought to yourself, ticking a box on one of your friend’s wishlists for their birthday. it is good. no stress of choosing and endlessly pondering whether they’ll like it or not.
or is it avoiding the vulnerability of going down a more symbolic route if they don’t happen to respond to your gift the way you’d like them to after carefully planting hidden meanings and confessions all over a seemingly useless present? yeah, maybe, that’s the one, actually.
it was a regular saturday evening, no work, no plans, no big day or anything to celebrate. so, naturally, you were just spending the time at your place, resting after successfully having done all the house chores in one go.
purposelessly lying on the bed, you wondered what chris was up to. it wasn’t something out of the ordinary for you two to leave each other hanging during the day, keeping each other’s messages unread and waiting for some free time to give a thoughtful, proper reply.
but the little “1” next to your kakaotalk message was starting to feel unfriendly because... honestly? you just missed him. you wanted to know about his day, what he ate for lunch and whether work was okay today (knowing full well the man couldn’t care less about days of the week, coming over at the studio any time he needed or pleased).
distracting yourself with scrolling tiktok for a quick dopamine hit, you end up losing track of time a little. and the thing bringing you back to reality is chan’s short message, popping up on your notifications bar.
“can you come out for a sec? i’m at the door hehe~”
it takes you three times to read to finally understand what it actually means. he doesn’t have keys to your apartment yet, and you mostly hang out at his place anyways, so him coming all the way to the opposite side of the city makes your heart skip a beat.
you rush to the door and open it almost immediately, only to see channie, your channie, standing right in front of you with a nice bouquet of red roses wrapped up in kraft paper. the next thing you notice is chan’s wide smile, so sincere and endearing it makes you wanna cry on the spot.
you were never the one for flowers, really.
red roses always seemed like something either too vulgar or “easy”. something that becomes men’s first pick because they just never care enough to look for anything else and assume every girl loves it by default.
right now, however, it doesn’t feel like either of those.
the way chris is a bit nervous and really excited all at once; his hands gripping at the crunchy paper-wrapped base as he's waiting to give the flowers to you. the way his eyes sparkle and shine with warmth and genuine adoration for you. and you read past the roses, you learn so much more from it.
you learn how he’s been quiet because he was plotting a little surprise for you, trying not to be too obvious.
you see how he thought of you during the entire process, from an idea to carefully picking out the best flowers, making sure they’re fresh and pretty and will stay this way a while.
you can hear his timid little “thank you” to the florist as they exchange their bows and polite smiles.
you imagine the slightly awkward small talk with the taxi driver asking him about the occasion — the traffic and the parking area next to your building is awful, so you’re guessing he did take the taxi. and the drivers sure love to talk on the long drives, this one you had to learn the hard way.
gosh, chan looks so warm and… so soft, his lips making a familiar heartbreaking :] shape.
snapping out of your thoughts, you look into chris’s eyes and swallow down a salty lump in your throat.
“please don’t be alarmed, but i probably will cry a little,” you warn him before your voice gives out and take the roses, holding them close to your chest where the heart is bleeding.
“so pretty,” you stare down at the gentle velvety petals and sniff quietly.
chan looks worried for a moment but quickly pulls you into his embrace, stepping into the apartment and locking the door behind him.
“hey-y, i expected a smile, not your tears, baby. i didn’t upset you, did i?” to which you shake your head to reassure him.
“no, no, ‘course not! what do you mean? they’re so nice. i’m just… really happy? and i missed you. so much,” the last words come out like a weak mouse squeak as you close your eyes and let your emotions roll down your cheeks, staining your skin wet.
chan nods and takes your face into his palms, wiping away the tears and looking at you so lovingly you think you might actually break.
“i missed you too, baby. do you mind if i stay the night? i…- uh. i bought some face masks too, so we can just relax a little before bed and cuddle?”
you squeeze out a little “yeah” in response, headbutting his forehead and putting your arm around him, with another still holding the roses carefully.
“i love you,” you say slightly louder, making sure that he hears it.
maybe, gifts don’t have to be practical all the time. maybe, it’s okay to put sentimental value into simple, useless things sometimes. make them mean something.
“i love you too, baby,” chris hums still a little confused, rubbing soothing circles into your lower back and planting a chaste kiss on the bridge of your nose.
you reach for his plump soft lips and press yours against them. and even though your tastebuds can feel the salt, it’s the sweetest kiss you two have shared so far.
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Right. I'mma just dump these ref sheets I made here because I'll be making some drawings with these guys, and I am bad at staying consistent within the design lmao.
I was inspired by these amazing designs, go check them out.
X || X || X.
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Ramble down here, where I try to explain the ""lore"" and my design choices:
So as mentioned above, the majority of the Dark Cacao kingdom is actually composed of kirins, mainly because Cacao was already a kirin in my older designs, and I wanted more of his citizens to match him. Maybe I'll draw the other Cacao NPCs mlp-ified and what I headcanon their species to be.
I ultimately decided to give Cacao a mane and replace his long hair with that. Ngl, I was always on the fence about Cacao and Choco's designs, but yeah, I think the mane works better than just getting rid of it. (Old design below).
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Btw, I dunno if I wanna give Cacao an actual crown, or just keep the additional horn things the leader of the kirins kinda have.
Dark Choco hasn't changed much, just in a different art style. I do however wanna say that he shaved off his mane out of shame and guilt for coming across the cursed sword not long after his banishment. Maybe when he and Cacao reconcile, he'll start to grow it out again, or maybe he'll keep it that way as a reminder of the past.
I actually drew (more like edited a screenshot) Caramel Arrow before, and she was originally just a pegasus, but honestly, the concept of hybrids and what they entail really intrigued me. I thought it would be fun if she were a hybrid kirin/pegasus.
Also, her horn doesn't exactly function, mainly because there's this headcanon I once came across a post that says faux alicorns do exist in the mlp canon. If you wanna know my full headcanon for this, feel free to shoot an ask, but to keep it short, for faux alicorns, either their wings are under developed, or their horn can't control the frequencies of magic that well or at all. Such is the case for Caramel Arrow. Though she has fully developed wings, she can't control magic with her horn, and if she tries to, it may cause a headache. But besides that, she's all fine and dandy.
Crunchy Chip, hm, I'd say when he was a little filly, he was found in the woods, either by Cacao, or Choco, and his horn was already broken by the time they came across him. When asked, the little guy said he was protecting the cream wolf pups from a monster, but he can't remember what else happened before he fell unconscious. As he grew older, his broken horn didn't really bother him anymore. He's adapted well, and picked up a thing or two about survival from his cream wolf pack.
Also, sidenote, the kirins' scales are actually very hard to dent, meaning their backs are usually safe from attacks. Crunchy once encountered... something when he was out on patrol, and he was out of commission for a week (to his incredible dismay + annoyance) because of how rare serious injuries to the kirins' backs occur.
Ah, Affogato. Actually, I really do like him as a character, I just tend to focus my attention towards the Celestia and Luna coded father-son duo a bit more. Oops. But anyway, I decided to make him a hybrid just like Carrow too, mainly to add both contrast and similarities between them. They're not too different, but their ideals and beliefs clash and cause conflict with one another, I just thought it was fitting. Also decided to give him a more elegant and curved horn design as a nod to his unicorn heritage. Unicorns in the Cacao kingdom (and maybe the Golden Cheese kingdom) have a curved horn, mainly because the east asian coded unicorns in the mlp canon have curved horns too, and I thought they looked beautiful. Affo is someone so elegant and refined in a land that's chaotic and holds danger everywhere.
And that's my unhinged thoughts for now. I think I'll design Licorice and the others next time, but no promises.
Anyway, thank you for reading.
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aniesvision · 18 hours
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distraction (bff!colby x f!reader)
based on a request! (im sorry it's not exactly how u asked for but i'll do more fics with colby and try to use all your requests, for now i hope u like this one 💕)
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warnings: little angst at the beginning, mentions of break-up and cheating (not her or colby), crying, kissing, making out, fingering, oral (f! receiving), handjob, p in v, pet names (baby, pretty girl), kinda rough (?), slight dumbification, spanking but just a lil bit, all fours!, orgasm denial, praising, pleading, backshot.
a/n: hi! I had this in my notes but in portuguese, so I tried to translate it, if the writing is different that's why! i hope you guys enjoy it, and just the usual reminder: english is not my first language!
synopsis: you go through a breakup and decide to drive to your best friend's house to distract yourself, but he surprises you with his choice of distraction.
note: Colby's purple!
🪻🪻🪻
Although I had always loved rainy days, the gray clouds covering the sun and the drops of water soaking the concrete streets, today I couldn't see it in a positive way. Traffic was at a standstill, a thunderstorm was falling on the glass, and the sound of my music was being drowned out by the loud noise of drops contacting the roof and windows of the car.
In any other situation, I would've just parked, turned up the sound and enjoyed the time. But now, I would do anything to stop all this and just get to my destination right away.
The stress of the current situation and the memories of what brought me this far rolled through my mind and all I could do was feel the tears forming and falling on the steering wheel.
It was just a few more damn blocks, just a few more streets, just a little bit more. The crying came as hard and heavy as the rain outside. If there's one thing I've always hated it's feeling weak. To be collapsing in the car, standing in the middle of the street with a storm happening, the feeling of being so close, yet so far from where I wanted to be, was too much.
Not only that, but having just moved out of my, now ex, boyfriend's house after he decided to finally confess that he had been cheating on me for the past few weeks while I had been traveling for work and thinking about how I missed him didn't help at all.
I didn't want to go for so long, I hated being out of the house, out of my comfort zone, and even though I enjoyed my job and learned a lot, maybe I could have avoided it all.
Of course, if he cheated, it wasn't because we were separated for a long time (witch wasn't even the case, it was just two weeks), it was because he was a dick.
But still, I can't help but wonder if things could've gone differently if I had simply refused the trip.
It was only two weeks, which in theory wouldn't be that long. Two weeks, in which I dedicated myself to work and tried to improve my career. Two weeks in which he was always too busy for a facetime, but said he missed me. Two weeks in which I bought gifts for him, in which I texted him whenever it was possible, in which he was fucking another woman in the same bed that I used to spend my nights.
I returned from the trip straight to him, straight to his house, straight into his arms. The hug and touch I wanted to feel so much.
He opened the door and didn't even smile at me. I walked in, asked what was wrong, my heart already felt that something was going to happen, that there was something wrong. I knew, even before he said anything, that we weren't going to stay together after that conversation.
When we sat down and he explained his reason for not wanting to be with me anymore, for making me feel guilty for leaving him alone, apologizing for cheating on me but not seeming to regret it, my heart broke into a thousand little pieces.
I didn't say a word, I just handed him the gift I bought him during the trip, knowing he'd like it, and walked out the door. I hadn't cried until then, even though I was destroyed from the first moment.
My idea was to go to my best friends' house and try my best to forget about all this. But, traffic happened, and the tears kept coming, and I couldn't even pull myself together enough to drive a few more damn streets. I cried, and cried some more, and even more.
I cried until I had no more tears left, and then I felt so tired that I couldn’t even think straight. I took a deep breath, started the car, and drove the rest of the way to his house. I knocked on the door a few times, and as soon as it opened, I didn’t even wait to figure out who had opened it, I just buried my face in the chest of the person in front of me and clung to their body with all the strength I had left.
The person in front of me gently pushed me back. Colby looked at me with concern, his eyes softening as he take in my state. He pulled me into another hug, allowing me to stay there as long as I needed. After a while, we separated.
He locked the front door and explained that he was home alone, but Sam would probably be back later if I wanted to talk to him too. We sat on the living room couch. Colby hesitated to ask what happened, due to my state. I took a deep breath, removed my sneakers, crossed my legs on the couch, and mindlessly played with my fingers while I told him what happened, without looking at him.
-He cheated on me. — I said, simply and directly, my voice slightly hoarse and still filled with sadness.
Colby's eyes widened in shock, and he quickly stood up, stopping in front of me.
-What?? —His voice carried anger.
He was in disbelief, caught off guard by my confession, but it was clear how furious he was.
I remained silent, unable to repeat the phrase that had already been so difficult to say out loud.
-He’s a damn idiot for cheating on a girl like you. Fuck, I want to punch him so bad right now. —Colby ranted, pacing from one end of the room to the other.
It was hard not to break down right there, but it was even harder to cry in front of someone else. Despite having cried in front of Colby before, I didn’t want to shed tears for someone who didn’t deserve them.
-I don’t want to remember it anymore. Can we talk about something else, please? I just need a distraction. —I said, frustrated.
Colby looked at me, the anger gradually turning into understanding. He took a deep breath to calm himself and nodded, extending a hand to help me up before pulling me into another hug.
-Yes, of course. Whatever you want. —He said, his tone softer now.
He stroked my hair with one hand and my back with the other. We stayed like that for a while, not saying anything, just appreciating the closeness. After a few minutes, he pulled away just enough to look into my eyes, studying me carefully, trying to understand my feelings. It looked like he was examining every detail of my face, maybe to gauge how I was doing, simply out of concern.
Colby gave me a small smile, cupping my cheeks with his hands and leaving a gentle caress there. His gesture made me smile back, and I looked at him as attentively as he looked at me.
Without saying anything or even preparing me for his next move, he pressed his lips on mine in a delicate, quick kiss, pulling away in less than five seconds, afraid of my reaction.
I stared at him, not angry, not irritated, not disappointed, just extremely confused.
-You said you needed a distraction. —He explained, his voice low and hesitant, as if he still wasn’t sure if he should have done that, if it had worsened the situation or possibly helped.
I think about what he said. Colby and I had shared a few kisses before at parties when I was single, and he was too. But, at parties, we were in a more appropriate setting for friends to just kiss spontaneously without needing any justification, purely out of desire or a “fuck it” moment.
And now, despite not being at a party, I was upset, heartbroken, and genuinely needed something to take my mind off things. So, the “fuck it” moment happened, and I leaned in to kiss him again.
What was supposed to be just a quick peck, turned into something more when he decided to deepen the kiss and brush his tongue against mine. It was the first time we kissed for real. It wasn't just a simple touching of lips, but a true tongue battle, with our heads slightly tilted to opposite sides.
His hands moved to my hips, pulling me closer, and I wrap my hands around his neck, playing with his hair. He was a good kisser, the synchrony of our mouths was perfect, and the distraction was working way too well, until he pulled away, with a smug smile on his face.
-Do you feel distracted yet? —He asks, in a sarcastic tone, like he wanted to find a way to provoke me as he always do. I roll my eyes with a small smile on my lips, not even thinking twice before responding.
-I think I'm not distracted enough.
He pulled me into another kiss, even more intense than the last one. Gradually, he took two steps back, sitting down on the couch, with his legs slightly open, his eyes focused on mine.
He pulls me by the hands, making me sit on his lap, each leg of mine on one side of his body.
We went back to kissing, not even giving ourselves time to process what we were doing. It felt so natural, as normal as a routine, it felt comfortable enough that I didn't even wonder if I should be making out with my best friend.
The kiss became deeper, more intense. Colby moves his hands to my ass, pulling me even closer, making me feel his already hard member through his sweatpants. In an automatic action, I move my hips, grinding on him and making him separate the kiss to let out a loud sigh.
Our gazes met once again, his pupils were dilated, his eyes looked different, the tension in the air was almost palpable.
He squeezes my ass, making me gasp, and a smile appears on his lips. I didn't know when Sam was going to come back home, I only knew that this was in fact happening when I felt my shirt being pulled off my body and thrown on the floor.
Fortunately for me I wore a nice bra today, which matched my panties. My idea was that someone else would see it, but it didn't happen as I expected.
I didn't know how to feel when my thoughts went to how slutty I was to let someone else see me that way so quickly after my break up, but considering that I trust Colby with my life, and it was visible how fascinated he was, I couldn't case less.
His eyes scan my body, his fingers lightly moving at my sides, almost shyly, feeling my skin. But he wasn't shy, it was obvious from the way he was basically eye fucking me.
- I really want to do this, but I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage of the situation to get in your pants. —He says. I smile, grateful that even though we were making out, he still thinks of me with respect.
I take one of my hands to his chin, lifting it with two fingers.
- I trust you. —My voice is firm, although it contains a certain sweetness.
He nods, getting the message, and kisses me again. In one quick motion, he takes off his own shirt, tossing it close to mine on the floor, wasting no time in exploring my exposed skin with his fingertips.
His lips trace kisses from my mouth to my neck, where he leaves some hickeys. My eyes remain closed, feeling every touch my best friend provided.
Without thinking too much, I run my fingers through his skin too, feeling every detail. Even though I've seen him shirtless before, this was different, it was another context and another occasion.
I let my fingers slide down to the waistband of his sweatpants, but before I could pull it down, he switches our positions, laying me down on the couch and doing what I planned to do, taking off his sweatpants and tossing it aside.
He does the same with mine, his eyes looking me up and down, his lips finding mine to another kiss.
Our glued bodies, the friction between our skins and the last pieces of clothing are reasons enough for us to understand that we were crossing a line. Even so, neither of us took the time to stop and ask if we were sure, it was obvious from how unable we were to stop. From the fact that I was already hot, my panties soaked and how hard he was.
There was no room for questioning.
Slowly, Colby's hands find the clasp of my bra, gently taking it off. He stares at my boobs for a few seconds, his mouth agape like he was seeing the best work of art of all times in front of him.
-So beautiful. —He mumbles, before bringing his lips to my nipples and leaving wet kisses there.
He squeezes my other boob with his free hand, making me gasp, which gave him even more confidence to continue.
He gave the same attention to the other nipple, gradually moving his kisses to my belly, stopping just before my panties, looking up and smiling before letting his fingers curl around the elastic.
Even though I didn't say a word to stop him, his eyes asked for my permission, and I answered him only with a quick nod.
He took off the last piece of clothing that covered my body, my skin completely exposed to the eyes of my best friend. A wave of nervousness hits me, making me somewhat anxious about the situation I got on.
Colby leaves light kisses on the inside of my thighs, getting closer and closer to where I wanted, taking his time to tease me. When finally his lips make contact with my sensitive area, his tongue tracing a line from my entrance to my clit, a small moan of pleasure escapes my mouth.
-Mhm, Colby, please... -I whine.
It only served to boost his ego, his tongue moving faster and more precise, my hips moving involuntarily against his mouth, his hands firm on my thighs as he kept his head in between my legs, making me completely forget how strange and maybe even wrong it was that I was so easily surrendering to another person.
-Colby... - His name comes out low, in a small plea for him not to stop, one of my hands intertwining in his hair and pulling him closer, my back arching on the couch.
Even though I can't see, I feel a smile forming on his lips, one of his hands sliding down my thigh. He slides a finger under his chin, pushing in and moving it at the same speed as his tongue.
A few moans come naturally from my lips, my hand holding his hair tighter, my head being thrown back and my eyes closing in pleasure. It was almost impossible not to give in, all the anxiety I felt earlier going away with the knot that formed in my stomach.
-Colby, fuck, I'm... -I try to warn him, his voice interrupting me.
-Cum on my fingers, baby.
A feeling of tension followed by relaxation takes over my body and little by little he withdraws his finger and his tongue from me, looking at me intently.
My only reaction was to hold his face and pull him in for a kiss, feeling my own taste. My hands move until I managed to get the last piece of clothing off his body, leaving us equally naked. I use one of my hands to feel him, his veins pulsing in my fingers, the tip hot and red. The sigh coming out of his lips as he feels my hand working on his member, not letting me continue until I'm done as he uses one of his hands to hold both of mine above my head, his other free hand lining up his member at my entrance and thrusting it all at once.
I bite my lips, trying not to scream when I feel the burning sensation and light pain before I got used to his size, a shaky moan leaving my throat. Colby continues to hold my hands, the other now at my waist, his face buried on the curve of my neck.
-Harder... -I plead, his head tilting so he could see me, a smirk on his lips.
-Yeah? Want me to be rough with you? Fuck you dumb? -His thrusts were faster and harder now, with each thrust he'd get balls deep into me, hitting all the right places.
-Please, please, fuck, Colby. -I cry out as he lets out a cocky laugh.
I didn't even tried to keep my moans low and quiet, they already came out loud and frequent, some curses and pleading being constant acts at this point.
The phrases I never thought I would hear coming from him, and from me to him, were the touches of reality that showed me that it was real, it was happening, I was enjoying it, and that, for some reason, my best friend was making me feel more pleasure than my ex made me feel in all the months we were together.
My fingernails had left marks on his back, but he didn't seem to care.
-Turn around. -He groans, pulling out and turning my body so I was in all fours.
I didn't even had a chance to speak before he was burying his dick inside of me once more, the new position making me feel him even deeper than before. Tears were already starting to form on my eyes.
He grabs my hair, keeping me up, leaning to whisper in my ears.
-Such a good girl for me, letting me fuck you like this.
I whine at his words, my legs shaking and another orgasm building up quickly in my stomach.
-Gonna cum for me again, pretty girl? —He asks, leaning down to kiss my shoulder.
I couldn't even speak at this point, so all I do is hum in affirmation, moans getting louder and louder.
-Hold it. —His demand was low and firm, and my eyes widen in surprise.
-C-Colby, fuck, can't, please, I need it so bad, please, please. —I look over my shoulder, catching his smirk before he pushed my head down onto the cushion and slapped my ass harshly.
-Cum with me, baby.
He slaps my ass one last time and my orgasm snaps, making me release all over his dick with a loud moan of his name. I feel him pulling away and shooting his load on my back, making me whine.
×××
We were already both lying down, next to each other, recovering the air and energy we had expended in the last few minutes, in silence, which was only broken by my laughter.
-I can't believe we did that.
He laughs along with me, shaking his head in denial and sitting up. Colby picked up all of our clothes on the floor, and handed me mine carefully, helping me up next.
-Wanna take a shower? —He asks, with caution in his voice like he wanted to proceed carefully from now on.
I nod my head, and he helped all the way through. The affection he showed was genuine, and I appreciated that very much, especially now.
After we are properly cleaned and in comfortable clothes, we lie down on his bed and he pulls me closer. I put an arm and a leg around his body, getting comfortable, and he wraps his arm around me, hugging me back. I rest my head on his shoulder, feeling his hand playing with my hair.
We stayed like this, no need to talk about what happened, just enjoying each other's company, until Sam arrived. I had to say, once again, the story of my breakup, but I didn't feel so sad to tell it anymore. Not while Colby held my hand and listened to everything intently, giving me the assurance that he would be there whenever I needed him.
a/n: I'm not sure how to feel about this one 😭
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lyrenminth · 2 days
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hi! hope you’re doing good, could you write something like justin going on a podcast (kinda like call her daddy) and talks about his personal life with reader (maybe they’re married?)
Nobody expected Justin to talk about his love life. Especially on a podcast, but since his friend Andre was talking about how hard marriage was for him in a very vulnerable tone, Jack the interviewer asked for his opinion.
"We know you have been married for...four years now?" he said, asking for clarification. "Yeah, we are five years in March" he clarified, a little too quickly. "So do you agree with this stance?"
"I mean, I think marriage is as hard as you and your partner make it" he said "My wife and I get along great. We're friends before deciding for the next step so that definitely helped.
"Even with your job? I mean the NFL is hard. Moving around a lot"
"Well, I think we managed to establish a dynamic that worked for both of us. It was a mutual agreement." The topic was left at that point, as the attention returned to Andre and his relationship. When Jack asked Justin what he admired most about his wife, Justin smiled a bit shyly and said, "Her resilience. She has gone through difficult events since she was young and has always been a wonderful woman. It's something I admire a lot about her." When asked what bothered him, he was straightforward, "She sheds a lot of hair, leaves hair everywhere. It's crazy." Everyone laughed.
Then came the quick questions. "Is there something you find strange about your partner?" Justin smiled as if remembering something funny. "She loves mustard, and I mean, everyone has their tastes, but she uses it on everything: bread, chips, vegetables, meat. Sometimes I watch her and think, 'Is that really necessary?' and she looks back at me and says, 'This is essential, you wouldn't understand,' and yes, I don't understand."
"Something you find endearing? When she doesn’t understand something, she tilts her head like a dog. At first, I thought she was doing it on purpose, like to look cute, but she genuinely does it when she doesn’t understand something."
The last question was about love. "Do you feel loved?" he asked both men. Justin was the first to respond. "Yes, absolutely. She has given me all her support and love since we were friends. I don't think I would be in the NFL if it weren't for her, you know? I feel…" he hesitated for a few seconds, but his eyes grew a bit teary, "so grateful. I don't know, she makes me a better person in every way." You could hear the love reflected in his voice.
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ekwolfwriter-blog · 3 days
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WIP Zutara Month Challenge: Drunk (Part 2)
So here is part two. Again, as mentioned in the other one, this will be talking more mature themes. You have been warned!
As for the next idea is for a WIP I call: Thank you, Cactus Juice!
The premise of this is Zuko being a bit high/ drunk on Cactus Juice. I had an old set up of Sokka making it when they were older which I will share but I think I might rework to something else. (It gets into more mature themes to read at your own discretion!)
And yet again, I am splitting it into two more parts because as I was thinking of this idea I came up with something I really liked. But could not decide
Something like they are all older (obviously) and maybe Sokka managed to sneak some of the cactus juice - for some use in the future, Katara is livid, Zuko is on her side on this. But Sokka suggests just small sips to take the edge off. Toph is only allowed one small sip as she gets wild with her drinks and Aang makes sure everyone is just not causing trouble as he does not want to drink. And to no surprise of some people, Zuko is a bit of a brooding dragon, but is calm while Katara turns into a giggly and cuddly in Zuko's arms. Sokka is tripping out before he suddenly comes to to see them cuddling while Suki is smiling and smirking the whole time but definitely feeling it like "I knew it."
Eventually they wake up and Katara realizes that she braided one of her beads into his hair. And if you know the significance - like Sokka does, one can already tell what they might have been thinking about~
(Side note - I know there is debate about if it is actual a hallucinogen like shrooms from what I heard never had it before or a suppressant like alcohol . But for now, I am going to say it is kinda like both - maybe in a concentration, it could be more like a drink. But in it's raw form, it causes people to go high.)
As for the current iteration, Zuko comes back to the palace loopy drunk because Sokka made Cactus Juice wine - kinda the same effect. And it makes Zuko at first pouty because it hits him hard before he can process that it was taking affect but then when he gets to see Katara, his mood turns around. (Again all adults and Aged up) But here is a snippet:
“Of course, my precious waterbender,” Zuko said as he plopped her down but kept her close to him. He still had that huge smile from before as he was looking at her and swaying, using her as support in a way. His top knot was nowhere to be seen as his hair was dangling in front of his face and his long hair was tossed around, but Katara could tell he was still looking right at her with such loving eyes.
Katara was still blushing too from how affectionate he was being. “Thank you, but are you okay? You seem out of it.”
“I am perfectly happy!” He exclaimed as he then leans into her again and hugs her tightly again. “I finally get to see my favorite girl tonight and hold her close. Nothing beats having my Katara here in my arms! My precious treasure should not have been left for long.”
“Oh… I was fine Zuko, honest,” Katara affirmed to him as she is getting flustered. ‘What is with Zuko? Granted, I love it when he is affectionate, but this is a whole new level. What did Sokka give him?’
“Zuko, where did you go?” A voice echoed from the halls as Katara tried to peak over Zuko’s board shoulders that were keeping her in his embrace. She managed to lean over and see Sokka walking by, seemingly intoxicated with something as he was flushed in the face.
“In here,” Katara managed to say over being lovingly smothered by Zuko, and surprised by the deep breathing he was exhibiting that sounded like low growls that were making it hard to focus.
Sokka looked over into the open room and then blinked at what he was seeing. Katara managed to get her hand to a point to wave and then point to Zuko. “Care to explain this?” she asked, her voice muffled a little.
Sokka then sighs. “Should have known this was what he was pouting over, damn drama king.” He bemoaned, almost not answering his sister’s question.
“Sokka, what are you talking about?” she asked as she managed to turn Zuko enough to have her face Sokka. Katara was not going to break away from Zuko hugging her, but she was finding it difficult to adjust in his embrace. Especially as he would pull her back in each time she managed to pull a bit, and that deep growl in his chest still pounding in her ears.
“It was all fine and dandy. We were just talking and having a few drinks. And I will admit, I was curious to see what Zuko drunk was like.”
“Sokka, you know that Zuko drinks socially and has a high tolerance,” Katara commented as she looked on confused at why Sokka thought that was going to work. Katara’s face turned red as Zuko was nuzzling his face against hers like a fox cat and was making it difficult to concentrate and her heart racing.
“Well duh, that is why we tried something else. But Mister Fire Lord of Pouts over there stared acting like a drama king after we tried some new drink I made. And while Iroh and I were having a blast, he was sulking and pouting without any reason,” Sokka began as he leaned against the door for support.
“You should have seen him. The more he had, the more he huffed like a dragon. Undoing his shirt and running his hand through his hair, sprawling on the seats we had like he was posing for some adult news scroll and flicking his head back like he was so over it. At some point, he was starting to sulk on the same couch and was muttering about seeing ‘his waterbender’ and ‘missing her so much’ that it was all he could say until we got him back here.”
“Well, that doesn’t make any sense of this,” Katara pointed to as she managed to turn around in Zuko’s arms as he was now nuzzling into her hair while her back was to his chest. This prompted Zuko to pull her in more and make her bend forward as he tried to cuddle her more. Katara let out a bit of a gasp at this as she could feel how strong he was, and how wonderful it felt to be held like this. She made a mental note to have him do this more often.
“How should I know? Not like I know what Cactus Juice Wine will do to someone all the time,” he shrugged, taking another sip of it.
Katara’s eyes widened. “You gave him what?!” Katara began to panic a little over hearing this.
“Cactus Juice Wine. I watered it down a bit,” he said. “Relax sis. It’s safe.”
“Sokka, that thing made you loopy for a whole day when that was unrefined! I don’t even want to know what a bottle of that stuff would do to you or someone else that is new to it. Are you feeling okay?”
“I am totally…” Sokka stared to say then looked like he was seeing something as he giggled and pretended to swat at something.
Katara sighed as she should have known that it would end like this. She glanced up to a still affectionate Zuko as he was muttering things like ‘so soft’ or ‘my lovely waterbender’ that was making her heart pound out of her chest from excitement of being called those things. Zuko was taller than her, so he could rest his head on top of hers if he wanted; and from the look of his smile, he was content for now.
“And you seem to be fine with all of this. Where is this so-called pouting prince that Sokka was talking about?” she asked him.
“Hmm,” Zuko thought as he was being vocal to be obvious. Katara only has seen him like this when they are teasing each other. “How can I be pouting when my beloved waterbender is here? And she is warm and soft, which makes me happy.”
‘Damn it, why did Sokka have to get him this drunk when I am the only one sober here?!’ Katara was cursing mentally as she managed to free her hand from Zuko’s strong embrace.
Hope you enjoyed! I will try to get another one done soon!
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vcrnons · 7 months
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YEJI [MIX & MAX] 'Break My Heart Myself' covered by ITZY YEJI & RYUJIN
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likeabxrdinflight · 4 months
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I am so sleep deprived and delirious lol but I still cannot believe I got the internship that I got. for safety and privacy purposes I don't think I can namedrop it, but trust me if I said the name, you'd recognize it.
and this kind of thing doesn't typically happen to me. like in terms of my academic achievement, I've certainly achieved. but always like...at the B-tier, you know? Like I'll have a high GPA but I'm never the valedictorian. I graduate magna cum laude, not summa cum. I get a nice scholarship at the lesser known state school and not the more competitive Big Ten school. I get into a PhD program but not a well known one (or one that provides a competitive stipend for that matter). B-tier. And I was always okay with that- you don't need a fancy Ivy League school on your degree to be a good psychologist or get a good job. a degree is a degree at the end of the day.
so when I applied for this more prestigious internship I knew it was a reach, and I never seriously considered that I would get it. I applied to a lot of other safer, smaller sites, thinking I'd more likely get one of those. Honestly I was honored that I even got an interview at this site, but genuinely I thought that was as far as it would go. like it was cool to be invited to the interview and that was good enough for me. so when I was waiting to hear where I would match I had fully written off this site as a serious possibility.
so to end up getting it is such...like I cannot emphasize enough how much this kind of thing does not happen to me. I never get these kind of A-tier, name-brand opportunities. this is wild. I can't believe I get to go home this summer and have the bragging rights for once.
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bastard-aziraphale · 11 months
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NO LITERALLY SOOO REAL. sparrow as a trans allegory is literally canon to ME!!! her fighting the allegations [vine boom shes laying on the ground family guy style] your art is so everything to me its sooo<3
WAHHH thank you :,,,,) yeah like fully it is so just. integral to how i read her character at this point? like, i don’t think it’s text and don’t want it to be text but it is like. So clear to me as subtext/allegory.
would like 2 draw more sparrow actively experiencing trans joy, though :,) but do know that in my head i am always rotating a complex series of intricate thoughts about sparrow and her gender identity.
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sysig · 9 months
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Okay actually, the OG Just Desserts style was onto something (Patreon)
#Doodles#Villainsona#Just Desserts#And also ft. the last little bit of the WOY style attempts#They were what convinced me to look at the original style doodles! Looking for poses#I started just by going back to the early TVAU doodles to give one more proper fair shake to those rejected outfits#Wouldn't you know it they're still rejected lol but! The wings are still very good#And the poses are silly lol#She is always real cute tho <3#It does feel funny going back to her early doodles and trying to style-match - my style was much looser at the time#Which is part of why her hair looks so good - those swirls are wild! It's very cool! But it's hard to replicate now :0#You can kinda see it in how hard and dark the lines are in her hair - before it'd basically be a scribble nest haha#Both have their aesthetic placement I just hrmm#I miss it a bit#There's something almost uncanny about trying to go back now - sizing maybe? Proportions? I'm not sure#She was always meant to have that chibi proportion big head and simplified body so maybe it's her neck being so visible that's throwing me??#I do like the small collar tho! It's gotten a little out of control lately haha ♪ Save that for alt outfits!#The weird shape of her hairline was a bit contributor to her overall hair shape as well - lots of little details! It's neat#That crying one has gotten two redraws now haha ironically not to actually ''improve'' just to dissect what's Up lol#I am happier with this one compared to the first redraw tho :D Her feet and ankles especially they actually make shape-sense!#And I have to admit the big flowery-bubble looking tops of her shoes it's very cute and the larger bonbons - proportions! Who knew lol#Her spinning the Staff was always one of my favourites hehe ♪ Confident and cheeky little Charm#Good for her
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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god
#thoughts#oni talks#mean girls 2024#I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits#and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh#I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot#since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe#I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD#like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either#half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol#leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially#like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way#via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent#but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one#like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story#like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if#she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s#so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing#I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out#like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean#more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too#biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind#closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very#like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story#could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with#that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family#also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like#iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for
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spamtoon · 1 month
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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doom-dreaming · 2 months
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how do i tell my mother that coming into my room calling me "lazybones" if i'm still in bed at any time past 7 a.m. for YEARS has done near-irreparable damage to my self-esteem and created shame about being able to just fucking relax?
#but she can rot on the couch playing mahjong on her ipad all day it's fine#i don't feel at all angry when i come home dirty and tired from work#and she tells me i'm making dinner#while she sits curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a book#sure mom. let me just take a shower and i'll get right on that#but please do let me know how hungry you are five times while i'm trying to scrape together some energy#i need to get out of this house#some small part of me kinda hopes she just doesn't come back from vacation#and. and .#as i'm giving her a VERY NICE vacation pedicure last night#she goes 'hey could i maybe use your hardcase on this trip? it'd just be easier in a customs search'#oh the brand new really nice hardcase suitcase that you got me for my birthday? that one?#not one of the four other suitcases you own?#sure. go ahead and take it#anythign else i can get you queen?#my belongings are not my own#my life is not my own#my time is not my own#yes i know i have control issues but i think i've earned them a little bit#i never learned to set boundaries and could never say no to my mom without being reprimanded#and i feel like a shell of a person because she's belittled my individuality if it doesn't conform to her worldview#and i feel like i'm dangling this husk in front of people and saying 'yep this is me. my whole essence'#all because i can't say no to her taking my fucking suitcase like it was never really mine to begin with#like she's just entitled to all my shit#i'm fine. i have a meeting with my therapist next week. i'm fine.
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fiendishartist2 · 2 months
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guys what if i want to make my own apollo justice game.
#i need to write a prequel to aa4 pls pls pls pls pls#okay get this: so phoenix isnt disbarred yet and he doesnt have trucy. hes still taking and winning cases#one day he gets a call from edgeworth and hes all like ''wright i need your assistance'' and hes like what for and edgeworth goes#''ive been given the most ridiculous case and i think youre the only man in law who can take care of it''#so phoenix bikes his ass to the detention center and boom. child behind bars#and phoenix is like ??? hey kid what are doing here. and this kid is the most surly mfer on the planet like you couldnt get-#-a word out of him if you tried. hes kinda giving phoenix the stink eye too but hes just the littlest guy on earth#and phoenix feels bad for him so he tries to get a rundown of the case (maybe edgeworth gave him an autopsy report or smth beforehand)#but get this. the kid still wont speak. he hasnt even moved a muscle. and after some prodding you find out this little dude-#-doesnt speak english (i dont love aa6 but i think apollos tragic backstory can be interesting so we're going w that but taking it seriousl#anyways so maya is like omg this kid is speaking khurainese but hers is kinda broken bc shes not from the mainland and only knows it-#-from like prayers#so you only get bits and pieces of the kids testimony. plus he still doesnt wanna talk bc ''dhurk told me not to talk to you''#so you start following the new lead but you ask too many questions and apollos like oh shit i said too much and wont talk to you anymore#but now you have two leads: khur'ain and a man named ''dhurk'' plus the fact that this is kid might be new to america since-#-he cant speak english but is smack dab in the middle of california. its all v curious and phoenix wants to get to the bottom of it#for the rest of the case i feel like it would go in the direction of ''we dont know exactly whats up w this dhurk guy or where this kid-#-came from but we do get him acquitted and phoenix is able to save him from the dark path he was heading towards'' thus steering apollo-#-in the direction of law and giving him a wayyyy better reason than aa6 gave him <3#i kind of like the interlinked nature of ace attorney's storytelling. like everything leads into smth else and everyone is impacted-#-by another person before they even become properly entangled w each other's lives#like how mia faced dahlia years before she met phoenix but dahlia was the one to connect them#or how trucy gave phoenix the diary paper but she's also the one who ropes apollo into the waa. even before they know they're siblings#or how lamoire left apollo and trucy as children and when they reunite as adults they cant recognise each other but they all find each-#-other anyways#i could go on but i think this could be cool yknow esp bc i think the most interesting thing about apollo's aa6 backstory is his life-#-post dhurk. like where did he stay? was he a foster kid? was he put into the system? how did that affect him? what kind of ppl took him in#i just wanna know how that whole thing would have effected him bc like when yiu think about it how did he even get to america?? his dad's#-considered a terrorist. idk man i think its interesting and apollo and dhurks interactions are one of the only good parts of aa6
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ihaventsleptinweekz · 7 months
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Sometimes I think I'm a normal person then the 11 pm thought kicks in and suddenly I'm insane
#Going to mildly and vaugly vent in the tags to buckle up ^_^#Will not clarify on any of this because it's more fun not to. Hope that helps#Anyway I'm kind of just. Weirded out by myself rn. Like I'm fine but I'm side-eyeing myself a little bit#And recently I've been believing thay I think really I was more immature a year ago#and while I do think back at her (year ago me) and kinda laugh at her for being overdramatic I feel kinda bad about it because yknow I was#But then I got kind of weirdly slowed down? In my being less freaked out process#Mostly because of Hellenite everyone say thank you hellenite (sarcastic love those fics so much)#But reading the fic kind of reminded me of the emotions that were going on at that time#And while I don't really miss or regret what happened too much anymore I think the general emotions of it started popping up again#Like idk how to say this but I'm over IT as a whole- but the emotions are still kinda left over?#Man really do NOT know how to put this#Cause it's kinda old news and frankly I am wildly happy with where I am right now#And I'm kind of thankful?? But also just a little :I about the whole thing. Which is making me inwardly side-eyeish#And I do think that I probably wouldn't change much if I could- and honestly I'm a little more embarrassed than anything else#Sorry for the weird long rambling tags just didn't want to call either of the like- maybe 3 friends I'd consider bringing this up with#I probably should check in with them though#Ough and I have work to do tmrw#Ew ew ew ew#Feel like this week has gone too damn fast and also not fast enough lmao#I'm also kinda nervous because I might have to take the ASL placement test soon to see if I qualify for skipping a couple ASL classes#Which would be nice cause I would LOVE to graduate quicker#And with all the AP classes I took in high-school it'd be nice to knock a bit of time off my college thing#Although admittedly I DID get that scholarship so it couldn't hurt???#It might actually give me more time to get EIPA certified and check out some internships??#Which would make getting jobs out of college WAY easier#Although maybe it'd be easier to get NIC certified if I retook a couple classes instead of trying to skip them??? God maybe I'd be behind#Ofc that wouldn't be a thing until after college#I'll probably have to save up money soon to start thinking about taking the test since it's so damn hard and so damn expensive#At least from what other interpreters have told me#Which is good!!! The it being hard thing anyways. Makes sure Deaf people get GOOD interpreters thst they deserve!!
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arosebyan0thername · 7 months
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Not speculating on a real person, but what if, yknow?
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pepprs · 2 years
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ok um. literally fucking pain and suffering. mutuals i need ur advice vote now on your phones 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#so we walked and talked and it was literaly the most non conversational conversation ive ever had i think. probably not ever had but it was#up there. AND ITS MY FUCKING FAULT because i dodged the bullet LITERALY right out the gate. she asked how are you feeling and i couldve#fucking talked about like… her leaving but instead i just started talking abt being in THSI new position which maybe she might’ve asked#specifically how are you feeling abt this new position but i forget lol. but that’s the route i took and never ONCE did i say like… from#literally DAY ONE my entire tenure as coordinator has been skewered by your sudden decision to depart this organization and ABANDON US AWLL!#and i told her a little bit abt the stuff i have to do and she was telling me abt like.. how to navigate that and then i asked how she was#feeling and… we spent the whole rest of the convo there LMAOOOO bc it was just abt how daunted she is by everything she has to do in her new#position but also being excited abt it and looking forward to the adventure. and i just had no idea what to say to any of it so ijust kept#asking lame questions and giving these like fucking weak reassurances that she would figure everything out and stuff. but she was going into#like intricate detail abt it which is fine! like im happy to hear abt it and i want to know and im glad she’s telling me. but i wanted to#talk abt how this has been like… painful? and we just literally like.. with the occasion of maybe 2 things that didn’t even rly count that#much. like we just didn’t talk abt it. i didn’t even say i’ll miss you or like anything like that. and the one thing i was rly hoping to get#out of this convo (basically like… ensuring that we will stay in each other’s lives despite this) kinda happened but it was so like.. idk#she was just like rly casually / lightly you can come visit me on the shuttle any time. but againwe were kinda saying it jokingly / lightly#and nothing abt it was like rly sincerely like… i care about you. you mean a lot to me. this journey we have been on has mattered so much. a#and it is ending in some ways but not in all ways and let’s work together to make sure it won’t end. that’s what i wanted. and instead we#had like 3 excruciatingly awkward silences and ended litsdally at 5pm on the dot and that part is to be expected but the silences sucked. i#only have one more chance to see her (technically 2 but i don’t think it would be fair for me to take that second one so i won’t) and i know#i can write her a card saying some of THSI stuff and i will but also like.. i want and need to say it to her face and hear her say in real#time that like. seriously this has meant a lot and we will stay connected. and i need to tell her how much she has meant to me bc i don’t#think she knows. so what i want advice on is like.. do i just say it in a card or do i ask her to do a phone call or virtual meeting or#something for literally 10-15 minutes at the very end of the day just to say that. idk. like what do u think seriously i know it’s cringe b#but this is like one of the most important people in my whole life and we don’t have the relationship i want us to and i know we never will#but i at least want to tell her how much i care about her and like affirm that we will still be bound by some cosmic whatever and in each#others lives. idk. lol. im trying so hard not to cry it’s rly hard to think bc im at the dinner table lol. but what do u think. just say it#in the card or do i ask her to talk for a little while longer just to say it and not chicken out this time. i hate being socially inept LOL#purrs#delete later#it’s also not entirely my fucking fault. like she just doesn’t.. she doesn’t go there. at least not with me.and im so frustrated and sad LOL
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