#youll never know how sorry i am for fucking this up so badly

[frecklystars]

THE LOVES OF MY LIFE OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 it's been so long since I've rly felt love bursting in my chest for any F/Os and I am feeling so so so so much for my girlboss girlfriend and my horsegirl boyfriend 😭😭😭💖💞💓💓💗💖💕💕💕💟💝

Her smile!!! god!!!! HIS smile!!!! god!!! these two are fucking saving my life I can't believe how much these characters are helping me get through the worst time of my life. THESE TWO are helping me get back into self shipping and helping me feel safe again when I really thought I'd never ever recover. I'm collecting screenshots of these characters and sighing with hearts in my eyes every time... I haven't done that in over a year... I'm making gifsets and writing fics and doodling again... it's all because of them and I'm such a weepy mess over it

#love notes #💕♫♪ ♡ You're the pink in my cheeks 🎀🌸✨♡ #💕 I'll fight for you!! - ̗̀🐎🏖️✨ ̖́- #every time i make a love notes post with them i get teary eyed and um this isnt an exception 😭😭 #theyre making me so happy and i havent felt this way in so long #im fucking happy you guys... god i havent felt. joy. with any F/Os in so so so so long!!!!! #self shipping is like. the core part of me. its all i've got and i went so long without it. that piece of me I NEED #fuck i finally found two F/Os who i know love me no matter what #and they're holding my hands telling me they'll never ever hurt me. wouldnt dream it. couldnt even fathom it #and slowly but surely i HOPE i will get back into self shipping just in general especially for transformers #but god. god!!!! god!!! i owe them my life!!!! #i couldnt fucking take it anymore i was falling so far and they!!!! are here!!!! in my heart!!!! #i was doing so fucking badly i was about to give up and they just. this movie comes out and im suddenly hopeful?? #pinkest movie of all time barbie rly said keri fuck your ptsd fuck your abuser youre getting better #and youll love pink again and youre gonna be okay and im like yes maam whatever u say maam #god 😭😭 sorry i know i talk abt them a lot but its been so long #and i know i keep repeating! that its been so long! i know i dont shut up about how im hurting! but! #i cant! describe how overwhelmed i feel! its like a part of me that was dead for a year is slowly coming back to life #and the fucking relief... i am just awash with tears

[katzgutz777]

okay its 4am here and i guess what better time to express how chronically online i am through homestuck gender, sexuality and mental stuff headcanons of mine *smile*

okay im gonna start off with the beta kids and trolls of course, probably will not go into the alpha trolls as i do not really know a lot or care a lot about them

one disclaimer, i dont see most of this shit as canon and this doesnt mean i dont believe or even dislike other headcanons, i love seeing all different headcanons and really use and see everyones headcanons of everything, so this isnt saying my headcanons are the ONLY way i see and interpret these characters its just how i see them without an outside influence so dont come after me like omg hes gay and trans.. IDGAF!!! HE IS GAY AND TRANS !!!!!! IDC IF I SAID HES CISHET AND YOU THINK HES GAY AND TRANS.. ME TOO i think everything, these are just my like, personal thoughts about the characters, i genuinely like and use all headcanons though

John: um i am a john/june coexistence believer so i will be going over both. I think john is defo straight okay like idk dont ask i wont be explaining like he just feels cishet to me dont get me wrong I love LOVE johndave but you cant look at john fucking egbert and tell me he is gay im sorry, and june is defo a transbian, thats all shes just a girly who likes girls. as for mental stuff both of them, I see personally having autism DEFINITELY and slight adhd

Dave: oh my god BI DAVE IS REAL. dave is one million percent bi no gender lean,but was ashamed of it for a while because he was scared to be gay cause he grew up thinking gay was something wrong, but eventually came to terms with it. i can see dave as cis or transmasc really they both fit very well to me. dave has to me, obv depression, but i think like a panic disorder because of his brother, some stuff brings him back, and while i feel the bro dave stuff wasnt as severe as the fandom makes it out to be, it still was pretty fucked up, and dave is still just as fucked up over it, a lot of the time its more self worth stuff wondering why his brother was such a dick to him blahblahbalh whatever you get what im saying, i also feel as if like, not a mental disorder thing but he tries to get attention from everyone he can because of the attention his childhood lacked and he is really scared and insecure anyways take all this as you will

Rose: ok rose augh bi rose is real,,, BUT she is SO SO SO female leaning, like shes like i like girls butttttttt there are a few men i will ... look at and want for. I think shes nonbinary demigirl, she/they but doesnt mind whichever set of pronouns you use. i think she has like pretty bad depression and struggles a lot with derealization and things in that area. i can also see her definitely having some form of autism

Jade: okay jade i see as cis and bi with no lean, i have no further explanation, while i see her as having bpd it presents itself way differently than usually associated with the stereotype for someone with bpd. this coming from being alone her whole life and feeling abandoned by everyone around her, because she might feel like shes the only one who puts effort into caring and is still left alone in the end maybe im projecting lalal youll never know !  i see her also having severe severe depression but tries to suppress it to make sure no one worries, she also has really bad add and some slight form of autism.

OK now onto beta trolls (warning a lot of these r gonna be bi headcanons oppsy)

Aradia: okay.... im not sure how to go about this one since i am aradia lol but uhh ill just go ahead and describe how i see myself i suppose? so I am cis girl she/her, bi with a pretty heavy female lean, ok if anyone wants I will go further in depth with this one but i have bpd and hpd which are both very similar but have some distinct differences xD anyways I also have some form of autism and have add, i struggle really really badly with depression along with derealization and depersonalization, this is all, umm as a little added thing I subscribe to catholicism but am kind of shitty at practicing it, but i still do hold some of their beliefs to myself

Tavros: transmasc absolutely cant fight me on this one, um also bi with a male lean, I think he struggles with an anxiety/panic disorder, and has autism + depression.. he also has dependent personality disorder REAL bad.. umm dont have a lot to say on this one LMAO 

Sollux: sigh everyones gonna kill me sollux can be cis to me......... if I want, but I also like trans headcanons of him? so idrk how i see him lel, hes definitely bi with a female lean. um he has bipolar.. canon so thats one, but I can also see him having aspd noo ren dont make him evil having aspd doesnt make you evil these are my headcanons so they will make sense to me differently than they will to you haha and he has depression

Karkat: transmasc karkat real ooouhhh scary ghost noise also bi with male lean, he so obviously has a panic disorder and ptsd, I also think he struggles with depression real, and like lol.. anger issues ok thats all i have to sat for him too ah oopsie a lot of these are gonna be depression but thats a given cause.. really who isnt depressed anymore?

Nepeta: BRAH okay listen nepeta isnt like.. not cis but she isnt not nonbinary!!!?!!?!?! like to describe it shes like nonbinary with she/her prns like shes just this little girl that breaks gender norms all day if u feel me? shes bi with a slight female lean but no real preference i think she defo has autism and adhd, but also struggles really bad with depression from how lonely she is

Kanaya: lesbian 100000000000% does not like men LOL um honestly she/her cis, she has depression and bpd shh shh everyone who is mad for my bpd diagnoses close your eyes, ok this is all

Terezi: cis girl and bi with a male lean, i think she has depression really bad and dependent personality disorder but it only starts showing outwardly later within the comic after all the stuff .... with her goes down

Vriska: transfemme bi with no lean, ok ahh this is not really a lot to unpack but it is? idk vriska though her personality seems like the posterboy for fucking bpd and people might say that gives people with bpd a bad reputation to be associated with her, as someone with medically diagnosed bpd i just dont agree, if the shoe fits... its probably for a reason, anyways vriska has the absolute most convincing and fitting title of bpd of any character within homestuck, but she also fits within depression in my opinion, but thats really a result of her bpd and stuff with her lusus driving people away anyways i can also see her having npd

Equius: brah gonna be honest equius straight but bicurious and transmasc, wants to be strong because of his rage stuff but also because hes insecure about not being cis and wants to be as “manly” as possible, nepeta always tries to convince him he doesnt have to be strong to be a man but hes so insecure it doesnt matter what she says. I think he personally struggles HORRIBLY with gender dysphoria and what trans person doesnt? but him especially, it makes him badly depressed and he wont admit it, I also think he is autistic

Gamzee: brah another cis male bi sigh he has a female lean but only a little. I think he struggles with drug induced psychosis, he started abusing substances when he was younger because he was depressed but it ended up frying his brain and making his body and mind dependent on the drugs and giving him awful psychosis issues

Eridan: cis male bi with no lean whatsoever he just wants someone to fucking love him, i think he struggles with bpd, hpd and npd along with depression ok thats all

Feferi: cis female bi large male lean, but still also likes girls a lot?? idk just kinda loves everything and everyone, has adhd really bad and autism, not depressed but sometimes has derealization episodes and doesnt know how to tell anyone and keeps them to herself

Jane: cishet, bicurious but is too ashamed to admit it because of how she was raised, i think she struggles with anger issues and some slight depression, but thats about it

Dirk: cis gay gay gay gay gay as fuck oh my god anyways i know i said cis but i can also see trans dirk real so idk, i think he has gasp! bpd, he also very much has awwwful depression

Roxy: cis bi female, male lean, deals with really really bad depression but keeps it to herself ah obviously has substance abuse issues that are to deal with the depression

Jake: cis bi male lean, on the aromantic spectrum sigh idk lel this is just what i think, he also has mega autism and also very depressed

ok these r all please dont hate me after this 💀

#aradia megido #homestuck #tavros nitram #sollux captor #karkat vantas #nepeta leijon #kanaya maryam #terezi pyrope #vriska serket #equius zahhak #gamzee makara #eridan ampora #feferi peixes #headcanons #john egbert #dave strider #rose lalonde #jade harley #jane crocker #dirk strider #roxy lalonde #jake english

[heavyskysystem]

cederic vent

"Adam already has stood up for you. Yelled at people for you. Does not share your little social anxiety trait at all. He is strong in a way your weak, I get why you admire him so much. I am weaker than that. I know, Fiona tried to stand up for you too and she got it all wrong, it turned out messy, destructive, a near crime.. she couldve seriously badly injured somebody. I know we get it all wrong. We are misalligned. Out of synch. But we love you. We care for you. Some of us atleast. I feel cold and dead now. I want what Adam has. I want that love. I want to be strong like that. I feel like.. you dont mean to harm me with this, you just dont understand how it feels, it feels unreal to you, like an outlier an anomaly, something that shouldnt happen on the inside. Jealousy is for outside people, not for people on the inside. Im sorry im like this. Im sorry its such a big issue still. I wish I could stand up for you like that. But maybe I am better, cause what if I can make you stronger from within, so youll just do it yourself and wont even need Adam to do that for you? You dont even have to get big bad and angry like he does. You can do it in your own, polite, cut-throat way. Id love to see that, honestly. And I know Adam isnt a fan of being used by you or used that way, but when it comes down to it he does get mad and take over and handles it for you. Yells at people and shit. Tears them a new one. I get why that would make you feel safe. Why you like it so much. You black out a little bit and the problem is solved. Cool. But I can help you too, I can be good for you too. Ill continue to improve. What we have is special. I believe that you think this too. You love me too, in your own way. But ill make you stronger even than Adam. I know what you really need. Do I look horrible to you for saying that? Do I remind you of bad things youd rather leave behind? Am I a bad person for this struggle? I know you do not see it as proof of my love, you see it as insecurity, weakness. Discomfort. It makes you shiver. You never want someone to be jealous again. You dont like it. But you feel sorry for me, you care for me. I do think you have a point by the way, I can see it from your perspective and for a second even I accept it as my own, that we .. could be peaceful if I just accepted how you see him. If I stopped competing. That what you expect is the normal and natural thing here and im in fact not the one in the right. But then I get a little bitter. A little bitter critter. I think Adam is not the big boss he thinks he is, that he has so much to learn.. and fuck he did make more growth than I have. He did back down so much more easily from hurting you. Im sorry that over and over again you had to deal with one persecutor and then the next. But I promise. I promise ill.. ill grow in my own way. Different from him. And itll be just as good. Even if took more. Even if I hurt you worse. I know, Adam is fucking impressive. I get it. A fucking narcissist that managed to handle your insults, that didnt meltdown from it, that bounced back that grew from it. But didnt I eventually do the same? Maybe not as fast, maybe not as impressively. Maybe I wasnt as loud about it. But I appreciate it more than he does. And I feel how little you want me to do this sad dance of bargaining for why im better, I do feel incredibly weak doing this, cause yes before I wouldve melted down in fucking us up physically to punish you. But apparently you really hate me making myself small and comparing myself. I dont think you understand just how.. youre our host man. I resolve around you not because im a bad person from your past, but because im literally incapable of properly fronting. Its.. I know Adam doesnt do that. I know hes so much more distinct. I just.. I cant deal with these feelings. I feel. so backed into a corner. so ugly and deprived. Maybe... you like shielding me too. Standing up for me. Being loud for me. I can just give you a little mental kiss. I dont have to get angry here like I used to. Youre right I really did change."

#cederic #vent

[glitxhwayventeen]

Ghostin

Seungkwan: Chapter 3 (Never Enough)

Characters: Seungkwan x female reader

Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, angst (a shit ton of sadness honestly), semi-unrequited love, death mentions, mental illness (depression), runaway mates, family fighting, implied violence. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.

Author’s Note: Okay so this chapter is a bit shorter than I had anticipated, but please bare with me. The next one for him should get pretty intense and I think it’ll be worth it. But this chapter had to slow it down a bit for explanation purposes. And I’m sorry for all the Angst recently, I’m better at writing that than I am fluff or smut. But I swear, Hansol and Chan’s chapters won’t be as edgy.

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts

🥀

Ghostin Master List

Chapter 3: Never Enough

It had been almost a week since you left. Seungkwan barely left his room. He hardly ate. He hardly slept. Hell, he hardly even cried anymore. He just stared up blankly at his ceiling. He was just doing the absolute bare minimum to stay alive for his pack, and that’s mostly because you asked him to. But he didn’t want to continue his life without you, even if you didn’t love him, he still loved you. You were everything to him. Living a life without you wasn’t a life Seungkwan thought was worth living.

At this point, anytime he slept and dreamed, it was of you. Whether it be some small memory he had with you, or just a random nightmare that terrified him to his core, it was always you. It killed him to see you without ACTUALLY seeing you, so he tried not to sleep much. Of course, he still did. He had to, and when he did, he always dreamt of you. And it seemed he wasn’t the only one who had that problem now…

Flashback

“How could you?!? How could you make her leave?!?” Seungkwan screamed at the top of his lungs at the older wolf, having to be held back by his other brothers so he wouldn’t lunge at him after he had spent hours outside looking for you.

He came home dirty, covered from head to toe in twigs, leaves, mud, and dirty. He tried to track you, he really did. But you were just… gone. He tried to follow the pull, but it always lead him back home, the last place he had seen you. He knew you must’ve used your powers or some sort of spell to mislead his instincts. You didn’t want him to find you, you left for his own good, and it broke him fragile little heart.

“Seungkwan… I’m sorry. I didn’t think- I didn’t think she’d actually leave you I-” Jihoon tried, still at a loss for words from the events that happened only hours ago.

“You fucking asshole!! I hate you! I HATE YOU!” Seungkwan cried out with mud streaking his face, trying to tear himself out of the other pack members grips to get to him, failing miserably due to his lack of strength.

“I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!” He sobbed into the closest members shoulder, finally letting himself fall to the floor in agony.

“I hate you… I hate you… How could you… I hate you…” he continued to mumble as Soonyoung started to comfort the younger wolf, rubbing his back softly while whispering words of encouragement to him.

Jihoon couldn’t believe what had happened. You actually left his brother to fend for himself. Seungkwan was too devastated to even speak coherently. You hadn’t actually denied him, you wanted to be sure he still had a chance at living and denying him would’ve killed him, but you could make sure he didn’t find you. And that’s apparently what you had done. You made true to your promise of leaving Seungkwan so that he could be happy. He could never blame you for it, he loved you, you were his mate after all. So that only left one other person he could blame it on…

“Jihoon… you fucking prick… I fucking hate you… I fucking HATE you…” Seungkwan whimpered out in the direction of the older wolf, still laying on the floor with his brothers surrounding him to be sure he didn’t hurt himself.

“Okay that’s enough. I think Seungkwan needs to go and rest. Hansol, you and Seokmin will be in charge of him. Take him up to his room and stay with him. He’s had a long day and- and he just really looks like he needs to sleep.” Jeonghan decided as the one currently in charge.

As one of the Alphas, it was his job to remain impartial and make sure everything was running smoothly. Usually, it was Seungcheol’s job as he was physically the oldest, but he went out with a few of the others to try and find you. So it was left to Jeonghan to take care of the remaining pack. But seeing his brother so broken and hurt from losing his mate tore at his own heartstrings. He decided it was best he be kept in his room under supervision to be sure he didn’t hurt himself.

“And YOU!” Jeonghan quickly turned and pointed to Jihoon, who was standing with wide eyes, clearly caught off guard by the sudden demeanor change in the older wolf.

“You come with me NOW!” He barked, walking to the back patio with the smaller boy following his exit.

“What the actual HELL were you thinking?!?” Jeonghan demanded, his eyes already starting to shift to red as he angrily stared his baby brother down.

“I- I don’t know. I just wanted her to treat him better. We all did. But she just- she just left…” Jihoon stuttered, not quite used to being yelled at by anyone.

He generally kept to himself and out of trouble. But this time, he was the direct cause of it. There was no denying it. And he had no fucking way to fix it. His brother was gonna hate him forever and NEVER forgive him. Even if he managed to find a way to get you back to him, he fucked up too badly.

“You damn well KNOW it wasn’t your place to say anything. It wasn’t YOUR mate with the problem so you shouldn’t have had a fucking say. And now look what you’ve done! You’ve made Seungkwan’s mate run for the hills and now he could DIE! Do you even realize the severity of the situation you’ve just made Jihoon?!?” Jeonghan screamed while throwing his hands in the air, really wanting to punch him in the face but knowing that that would solve none of the problems he was listing off in his head.

Jeonghan was the silly alpha who liked to have fun and pull pranks. He was NEVER the one to handle the serious situations. And generally speaking, when he did, he always found it easier to sit down and talk to the others on a peer level. But he was BEYOND pissed. And Jihoon knew why. Seungkwan was one of the kindest most innocent people he’d ever met. And he had just scared off his mate by running his big fat mouth off. He deserved the harsh treatment his brother was giving him and much more.

“I… I know.” Jihoon responded, looking down at his hands that were now connected over his torso in shame.

“I REALLY don’t think you do know Jihoon. Seungkwan’s one of the few pack members who can keep us all together. Even if she hasn’t TRULY denied him, we both know someone like him could never go more than a few days without seeing his mate before getting sick and DYING! What do you thinks gonna happen to not just him, but the whole pack when he decides to give up?” Jeonghan pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, attempting to keep himself calm.

“I- I don’t know.” Jihoon whimpered out, even though he knew just how bad shit was gonna get.

“Well know THIS.” Jeonghan started with his index finger pushing into Jihoon’s chest.

“If ANYTHING happens to Seungkwan OR (Y/N), YOURE the one that’ll be responsible. And YOULL be the one to dig the graves before we kick your ass out of the house FOR GOOD. Am I making myself clear to you?” Jeonghan questioned through gritted teeth, getting more upset at him by the second.

“Yes Jeonghan Hyung.” Jihoon whined out with watery eyes.

“Good. Now you BETTER find SOMEWAY to fix the damage you caused, otherwise you better start looking for a new place to live!” Jeonghan spoke as he gripped onto Jihoon’s collar, lifting him up slightly during the conversation to show dominance.

Jihoon was terrified. He didn’t want his brother to die. He didn’t want to get dropped from the pack. He didn’t want you to die, even if he made it seem that way. He didn’t want a bunch of shit to set into motion because of his stupid actions. He felt like he was spiraling into a pit of despair. What was he going to do? His brother was gonna die and it was all his fault. You were going to die and it was all on him. He wouldn’t have a pack anymore and it was all because of himself. It felt like the whole world was closing in on him and he couldn’t breathe.

Suddenly, flashes of your and Seungkwan’s corpses flashed through his mind. You guys’s eyes were white and hallow and your skin was cold and blue. Your mouths were stuck open in horror and all the life had been sucked out of the both of you. He killed you both. He killed you both. HE killed you BOTH. WHAT DID HE DO?!?!

-

Jihoon sat up gasping for air. He started patting his head and body, making sure they wouldn’t pass through him to prove he was awake. It was a dream. It was a dream. He was still alive. Seungkwan was still alive. You were still alive, at least he hoped. That thought frightened him more than anything, but he tried not to give into that fear.

He slowly laid back down to slow his rapidly beating heart and began breathing in and out at a deep pace. From through the walls, he could hear Seungkwan whimper in his sleep, his pulse beating as fast as a jackhammer. He must’ve been having another nightmare about you. Jihoon closed his eyes tightly.

He had to fix this. He had to help his brother. He caused all his pain. He was the reason he was alone in his room crying in his sleep right now. Seungkwan didn’t deserve what had happened to him. He was such a loving, sweet brother and mate. He had to get you back to him. But how could he possible do that? Your strange background meant you could do things they couldn’t even comprehend. You made it to where Seungkwan couldn’t even follow the pull. It was like you had vanished off the face of the Earth. So how the actual fuck could he manage to find you when even your own mate couldn’t?

Jihoon didn’t get anymore sleep that night, he staying up racking his brain on how he could get you to come home. And, by sunrise, he thought he had figured out a half decent plan. It was risky sure, but Jihoon would walk through hell if it meant getting you back to his brother now. He’d grovel on his hands and knees and beg you to come back with him if he had to. He had to rectify his mistakes.

He didn’t even care if he got kicked out of the pack at this point. He didn’t care if he lost his other brothers love anymore. All he cared about was Seungkwan and his sadness. The sadness he could hear every night. He had to bring you back, for Seungkwan’s sake.

And he was gonna do whatever he could to make that happen. Even if it meant getting himself killed in the process, he had to. Because even if he managed to lead you back home, no amount of sorrys or forgive mes we’re gonna bring his brother’s mind back from the abyss he had put him through. No amount of kisses or hugs from you were gonna have his brother’s smile shine as bright as it once had. Seungkwan was always gonna remember the pain of you leaving due to Jihoon’s hard words and actions. No matter what Jihoon did to try and make it all up to Seungkwan, it would Never be Enough in his eyes.

(Updated 8/23)

#seventeen #seventeen angst #seventeen au #seventeen fanfic #seventeen fluff #seventeen smut #svt au #seventeen x reader #boo seungkwan #svt seungkwan #seungkwan #seventeen seungkwan

[jossambird]

This Soul of Mine Pt 2

Main Incubus Otto x Reader (Incubus Axel and Oscar x Reader in later parts!)

18+ (also in later parts)

(Mentions of Rape but only passing, as Incubus are Male Demons who feed off sex, most of them are NOT kind Swedes.)

PART 3

-

You ran your hands over your hair once more, trying to hide a yawn as you listened to Father James’ sermon.

Fuck was this boring. Of course you had to be shipped to this honky tonk town, and attend mass with your beloved aunt. There was nothing wrong with your aunt of course, you loved her to death, but you would have preferred not to be involved in any of this-

“Oh, what a beautiful passage, don’t you find Y/N?” Your aunt whispered to you, smiling a tired old smile. You loved her.

“Yes, it was very beautiful.” You acquiesced, accepting the hand she put on your knee.

It was only when your aunt stood to go greet Father James did you notice the woman sitting beside you, jumping out of your skin.

Her eyes wrinkled, sharp blue eyes surrounded by black Kohl watching you as she pushed her white hair back.

“Am I that ugly, child? I thought I looked half decent today when I stepped out.” She laughed, elegantly hiding her teeth as she laughed. You had never seen her in your life, eyes taking in as much detail as you could.

“Oh god no, Im so sorry ma’am, you surprised me is all. You look great today.” You said, hoping she wouldn’t mention any of this to your aunt, or possibly even to Father James.

Her gaze was steady and unblinking. It was terrifying, if you could honestly say so. She looked like she was reading your thoughts, or more like, not being able to with how badly she frowned.

“My, I must say, I dont recall ever meeting you here, Miss..?”

“Y/N!” You supplied, shaking the hand she offered-

Her grip on your hand turned harsh, visibly not the strength of a old lady like her-

“My, nothing? Oh what fun. Tell me child, have you met any... beings, as of late, that haven’t gotten out of your head?” She asked quietly, releasing your hand from her crushing grip, patting her dress as if she needed it.

Her words were smooth, but they cut you deep, as if she could-

“Read minds? Yes, you’ve mentioned that already, but that seems to be all.” She whispered, huffing loudly as if she was angry, sitting too close all of a sudden. You had to escape, you had to get out-

“Dear, I think you should sit down and breath. I am not going to harm you, I am only here to... guide you, we shall say.” The old woman continued, smiling as you did as told and sat back beside her, listening as Father James started his sermon again. Your aunt sat at the front, the traitor, unaware of what was happening.

“You smell like him, you know. He imprinted on you, by accident mind you, but still, it is quite dangerous for your kind.” She was smiling so widely that you were sure now that she wasn’t human, eyes brightening a bit more.

“W-what do you mean?” You tried, voice too weak to summon anything other than the whisper that escaped you. It didn’t matter though it seemed, she had heard you perfectly well, brushing back her white curls, pretending to listen to the sermon, nodding.

“Oh darling, the man you met the other night. Tall, equally white hair, most likely drop dead gorgeous?” She suddenly looked 50 years younger as she turned to look at you, red lipstick clashing with her paling white skin.

“He touched you, didn’t he?” It came out from between her lips sounding cold, but her wide fluorescent blue eyes said different, curiosity shining brightly in them. Nothing felt right. You felt like you couldn’t breath, feeling as if nothing of this was real-

“I touched him. I bumped into him and he picked me up.” You shot back, surprising her as you tried to regain a semblance of power, remembering the dazed man’s surprised and kind eyes.

“What an interesting turn of events! I must say, I am impressed. Not only have you made his brothers and the Incubi world turn upside down, your also partly invulnerable to Succubi powers.” She seriously noted, scooting closer as if she could see the answer in your eyes. Something brushed against your ankle, but you ignored it, captivated by her gaze.

Nothing of what she was saying made sense, Incubi? Succubi? Childrens tales, nothing more than a silly tale told by the church to children... right? No, it was surely the Host wafer that your aunt had given you that was rotten and poisoned you. Yeah, that was surely it.

God, if only-

“Honestly, a rotten Host wafer.” She huffed as she turned her gaze away, rolling her eyes.

“Look darling, Incubi are exactly like mortal men; stupid, handsome, and driven by sex.” She looked mentally exhausted all of a sudden, rubbing at her temples, revealing a scar on her forehead in the shape of a round. The elder woman rose gracefully, her eyes back to the now dull blue they had been at the start, combing over your form one last time.

“If you truly wish to summon him, do so through your desire for him, either for protection or for... assistance, in personal matters.. He will most likely find his way to you within the following hour. You will need him just as much as he needs you.” She finished, turning as if to leave, lingering as you watched her.

“What is that saying again? ‘Speak now or forever hold your peace’? Spit it out.”

“I- ma’am, I appreciate all of this advice.. but if I may ask... who are you?” You asked, knowing deep down what the answer was. You had felt it, felt it between your ribs, in your beating heart. Her fluorescent blue eyes and never-ending knowledge of your inner thoughts were far from normal, and so was the cigarette she magicked before your eyes, watching you as if she had just struck gold.

“I am.. The Handler. I am the Succubus Ruler of all Incubi and Succubi.” She walked away from you then, looking confidently forward as she exited the church, lighting the cigarette between the final pews.

-

-

Finally elated to be done with Father James’ sermon, you stepped out of the Church to await your aunt-

“Y/N L/N?” Came the voice of a man, smooth, young but deep, accent reminding you of-

You turned hurriedly in excitement, heart racing until your eyes met with a platinum blond haired man, resembling the man who had occupied your mind ever since. Mild disappointment floored you until the old woman’s words came to mind:

He had imprinted on you, it was dangerous for humans, this was most likely another being of his kind.

“Ouh, that hurts cutie, I can smell the disappointment from here! I simply wanted to come meet my brother’s- Hey!” Said the man, grinning like a cat until you turned and sprinted with all of your might away, away, away.

-

Otto found himself looking down at the box of homemade cookies, cringing at the Church’s name. It shouldn’t be anywhere near your name, defiling such a beautiful name like yours was a crime.

He felt petty, reaching out and dragging a long sharp nail against the sticker, careful to not cross out your own name by accident-

“Your acting ridiculous Otto.” Came Axel’s teasing voice, surprised as he watched Otto jump out of his skin for what seemed to be the 70th time this week. What was going on?

“Are you.. okay, brother? You dont seem to be well.” Axel asked after a beat, knowing he had to confront him about it. For the first time in all of their lives, Otto seemed unfocused, out of it, mind drifting and constantly asking them to repeat themselves. They didn’t mind it much, but something was wrong. It had to be-

“Im sorry Axel. I...I keep feeling this... tug, of sorts.” Otto quietly muttered as he stared down once again at the sticker, entranced. It unnerved Axel for a moment before realizing this was serious, this was important. He walked over to his brother slowly, tail swishing out of anxiousness, feeling entirely out of his depths.

“Otto?” Axel asked softly as his clawed fingers met his brothers skin, receiving no answer for a long moment.

“Go see her, maybe after you do, youll stop feeling it. Maybe shes calling for you.” Axel said after a beat, deciding to comfort him brother instead of further pushing him into despair. Even if nothing would amount from an Incubus pining for a mortal. He smirked as he watched Otto turn to him, disbelief written all over his face.

“You dont understand brother-“ Otto tried before Axel waved his hand, not wanting to listen to the ‘why’.

“No, you’re right, I really dont, but if you really think you are her soulmate, shouldn’t you be going to see her?” Axel asked his brother, smelling his despair turn into agitated excitement. He smirked, watching and listening as Otto ran out of the house.

No matter how Oscar or he felt, and no matter what happened, Axel came to a conclusion as the distinct lingering scent of Otto’s desperate yearning met his nose:

He would support his brother in his ridiculous endeavour to win your favour, no matter what.

Where was Oscar anyways?

#Incubus Swedes #Incubus Otto #the swedes #ikea mafia #tua swedes #the swedes x reader #umbrella academy swedes #tua the handler #tua axel #tua otto #tua oscar #otto x reader #Demons #jossambird fic

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP.7 (Cont.)

“i have not now, nor ever, liked this creepy ass church elevator.”

“kanade please get out of my head, just because im hungry doesnt mean you have to tell me every time i am”

Hibiki finishes getting a full body X-ray. She’s fine.

“that anime protagonist immunity is really kicking in well!”

“by the way, your wife is here! and she’s looking mighty miffed., as opposed to me, mighty milfed.”

“you dont strike me as a mother figure but ill play along for now”

“i just hope miku’s okay...”

“oh, she’ll be fine! see, i’ve seen these kinds of plots before. big secret revealed, another lover is shown, the victim watches as they’re thoroughly cheated on, and they get to lik-”

“please stop breathing”

Genjuro’s wasting away again in Margaritaville. Looking for some daughter to adopt. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE’S A, WOOOOMAAAAAN TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME, BUT HE KNOWS

XYLOPHONE RIFF

THAT’S IT’S ALL HIS FAULT

XYLOPHONE RIFF

“i hate it when he gets like this. jimmy buffets not a good look for him.”

“for once you and i agree. seeing the commander sulk like this like a middle aged perma-tourist is genuinely miserable”

“hey homies! im back and i brought some bitches! oh, jesus, why does this place smell like mistakes in miami?”

“its me. im sorry. every time i feel like i failed as a dad, my anti-dad energies manifest. imagine every midlife crisis rolled up into a single ball, smacked into the face for eternity. thats the depth of my pain for failing this girl.”

In a moment of positivity, the friendship between Tsubasa and Hibiki is cemented.

> Tsubasa has joined the party.

“FRIENDSHIP!”

“fweindship.”

“uuuuhhhhh... dadship? yeah thats close enough.”

“WE’RE ALL GOOD FRIENDS!”

“ya tiddies are ringing again, better go get it”

Ryoko also points out that Hibiki’s relic is fusing with herself at an alarming rate. This is important to keep in mind.

Meanwhile, at night.

Miku is posing in the motherly “you done fucked up, where have you been young lady” position. A cold scolding is coming.

“.........................hey miku......”

“you can come in. are you worried im gonna bite? you suplexed a car. that shouldn’t be an issue anymore.”

“miku, i.... i wanted to tell you.... but.... the plot wouldn’t let me, miku....”

“should’ve told the plot to fuck off anyway. now you’re gonna live with that. you’re sleeping... on the bottom bunk.”

“b.... b..... b...... b.... b...... bottom bunk...?”

They slept separately that night. God, this is so stupid. All of this is so goddamned stupid. “I’m so mad at you even though you saved my life.” This is just so. AUGH. THIS IS DUMB. KANEKO WRITE BETTER ANGST THAT MAKES SENSE THAT ISN’T THIS.

Meanwhile, far away from this garbage...

Chris, having been evicted from Fine’s McMansion, wanders the streets of mumblemumble aimlessly. Don’t be fooled by her new fancy dress. Basically, she’s a combat-competent hobo.

“no food. no home. no victories. this sucks. whyd you do it, fine? we coulda been great together. but no. ya fired me. now i look like im prancing the red light district with a highly advanced superweapon around my neck.”

“no... hibiki’s to blame. ever since that genderbent little mac showed up to fight me, it’s been all downhill. fine thought me a laughstock because i couldnt take out her oversized boxing gloves, and now she beat me while i had nehushtan. god... i wish i never met that damn hamster faced chubby cheeked nerd.”

“wait, whats that crying”

Chris spies two kids talking to each other, one of them crying. Chris immediately makes an assumption, believing the big bro is bullying his sis.

“hey! stop nicking her lunch money, twerp”

Chris currently is a firm believer of corporeal punishment.

But the sister deflects the blow. Chris can’t even defeat children right now. Truly, this is a record low for her. You know you blew it when even kids are schooling you on basic morality. She then tells the little girl to stop crying, ironically mirroring her brother.

The infamous double T-Pose maneuver. Chris, you might as well get a shovel and start digging your own grave.

“i keep doing bad things badly, and now im doing good things badly... when fine said i was bad... did she just mean im not talented?”

Chris, finally, does a good thing and helps these kids find their parents.

“yeah. hibiki saved a kid when she got her gear. guess what? bam! im saving two! that’s fifty percent more kid per kid saved. take that, weirdo.”

The kids call her out on Chris singing unconsciously, and Chris gets flustered over it. Dawwwwww.

Chris manages to get them to safety to their Dad...

...while brutally lying about it, making Chris look like a predator. There’s a very crushing irony at play here, given who Chris used to serve.

“ugggggggggggggggghhhhhh hes not even gonna payyyyy meeeeeee why the fuck did i dooooo thiiiiiiissssss”

“hey, you know. you kids have a really nice relationship with one another. care to give me tips on how to be an empathetic human being capable of making friends?”

“maybe we’re born with it”

“maybe its maybeline”

“maybeline...”

Meanwhile...

A cold wind blows through Lydian Apartment 69-L. (I don’t actually know if that’s their room number, I just made it up.)

“jesus take the wheel, because i’m jumping out the passenger seat to save this current wreck of a relationship”

“miku please i saved your life, doesnt that count for anything”

“you already killed me the moment you lied. also im taking the bottom bunk so i dont have to see your face coming down the ladder.”

“miku you cant hide in this depression den forever. i know i hurt you and im sorry for it, but please understand i literally couldnt do it. you saw there were punches and violence and stuff... i didnt want you tied to that...”

“what was that? i cant hear your apologies over my incredibly loud snoring. SNOOOOOOORE. SNOOOOOOOORE. SNOOO- fuck, i just swallowed my spit, fuck”

“i hope this cocoon of displeasure you’ve made for yourself lets you erupt into a butterfly of acceptance so i can fly with you again.”

“......thats not fair. you cant say those beautiful metaphors and get away with it. let me be mad... sniff... let me be mad...”

Sadness wafts in the den of lies Hibiki has been forced into.

No music plays. There is only heartbreak, and woe.

In the midst of this pain...

Ryoko loredumps about how the Symphogears work and are immune to the noise on her blog, ‘hornyonmainforscience.org’, her hybrid science journal slash kink zone. It’s mostly a recap with some pretty good soft techno beats in it.

“i made a custom brew of red bull, five hour energy drink, coffee, and cream. i call it gamer girl piss.”

“damn. that’s some good piss.”

She muses about how Hibiki has managed to break the limitations of her Symphogear, making her a totally unique specimen. Wait, where have we heard this before...?

Hey... Ryoko... let’s just... cool it a bit with the Hibiki pictures... come on...

Ryoko touches upon the Custodians and the Curse of Babel. We ain’t touching that shit until later, because that’s another shitfuck box of crazy just ready to jump us in a dark alleyway to rob us of our wits.

Back to Lydian:

“miku whats the answer to the first three multiple choice questions”

“B. A. D.”

“oh, thanks. huh, BAD.”

“yeah. you are.”

“mmm. taste likes dissapointment. just like my life.”

“hey table for two haha get it cause there’s two chairs and miku for the love of god, please, forgive me”

“ive surgically removed my eyes and drew eyelashes over them with sharpie so i dont have to see your bird bangs.”

“thats very rude to both me and my hair. also, wig.”

Even Hibiki’s meal is judging her. Mainly for not eating it. Fucking look at this. God, that looks amazing. Fuck, why did I write this while I was hungry.

“miku you cant do this forever. i might die and youll end up crying on my tombstone going ‘oh god, why, oh god’, and really, i cant live with myself if that happens. mainly because id already be dead by then”

The Anime Janai crew show up to break some icebergs with a goddamn sledgehammer. As the self-aware Gods of this realm, they got very tired of this poor display of angst, and have decided to directly intervene.

Nevermind. They came for her kneecaps, and they most certainly got them.

PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. END THIS GARBAGE PLOT THREAD.

“look. imma lay down the facts. yall are gay. yall are in love. yall are angry for the wrong reasons. its nobody’s fault here but the writer. so please kiss and make up. pretty please.”

“kaneko... you fool... we all know what the original sin is. its your hack writing making this stupidity in the first place. let the pencil go, asshole!”

They bring up the fact that Hibiki isn’t doing her work and wonder if she has a job on the side, which isn’t allowed by the school. Miku gets annoyed and bails, with Hibiki running after her. Unfortunately, Miku runs faster...

“oh god miku not the rooftop whatever you’re thinking just dont do it! please!”

“no. i came here to angst, since this is the Maximum Angst Zone.”

“i..... okay! okay, that’s fair! rooftops are the perfect place to look sad while getting proper air ventilation, thats fine”

It really would have been better played if it was played off that she felt hurt not because of the lie, but because she felt like she could have helped her better having known the truth, and it being a self-loathing sort of scenario for not being there better for her and not fully understanding the risk at play.

But no, instead, we get this.

Absolutely obliterated. A heart ripped, shredded, and sent to the Shadow Realm.

The episode ends on that note, but has a post credit scene.

Naked. On an old timey telephone. On a computer. Wearing stockings and long gloves.

The main antagonist of the series, everybody.

She’s talking the best English possible to some random-ass American when suddenly bursting through the scene is none other than:

“I WANT WORKERS COMPENSATION YOU BITCH, BEFORE I UNIONIZE YOUR NAKED ASS”

“AND I WANT A GOOD REFERNECE FOR MY FUTURE EMPLOYER, AND ALSO A SEVERANCE PACKAGE SINCE I’M FUCKING HOMELESS”

“i paint my eyelashes with mascara made from the tar of freshly carbonated corpses manufactured through noise, what on gods green earth compels you to think id give a rats ass about you?”

“so you never cared, huh! you’re just a nasty naked hedonist trying to- trying to- what the fuck are you even trying to do?!”

“i want to live the dream every spicy little fossil like me yearns for.”

“I WANNA FUCK GOD!”

“how- what? what? how do you even- what? are you- do you want to be the pope? is that it? does the pope get to fuck god? are you- is this a larping thing? you’ve really been into larping lately! i don’t like this!”

“youve never read the old testament, have you. ass out, pussy bare, hips up and barefoot. that’s how god’s always liked it.”

“now get lost, punk. you tipped off my hand to genjuro and now you being here is going to ruin everything. if you still feel any semblance of devotion, eat one of your own bullets and call it a day.”

“it’s 2012 bitch, if the mayans dont get you, I WILL”

“what god gives, He takes away, and so do i. i built you from the ground up. your relic, which was good for jack shit on you. the nehushtan, which you failed to do anything with except zap a couple hundred people. stop wars? you’re a walking war, waged by me, for me. and your cartridge has just run out of bullets.”

“uh oh! hand’s acting up again! better bail before i send you back to smacktown where all the bitter little shittalkers like you strut around spending their lives being useless as hell.”

“ah fuck, im not dealing with no manos: the hands of fate bullshit again”

“and guess what else i got on motherfucker”

“i see the union efforts have officially been busted. understandable, have a nice day ma’am”

“LEAVE.”

“I’M GOING, I’M GOING”

#symphogear #symphogear season 1 #anime #recap #comedy

[getyouthemoooooooon-blog]

what ive always wanted

its really crazy to think where i am now compared to where i was a year ago. i was in the ending stages of a terrible relationship that seemed like it would never end. i never saw a light at the end of that tunnel. the amount of heartbreak and trials and tribulations we endured made it seem like that had to be my forever. i always thought, how could i go through so much heartbreak and turmoil over somebody i wasnt going to marry? i made myself believe that it was all worth it and not a complete waste of time.i made myself believe that because we had gone through so much shit and that it was so terrible, that it had to be right. it had to be what was meant to be, otherwise we wouldnt still be in each others lives. this is where it got toxic. i convinced myself that this abusive relationship was meant to be because it was so bad. sounds a lot more fucked up when i think about it in retrospect. i started realizing he wasnt the one when a few things started happening. lets start with the night he texted me and professed his apologies. something, every time we broke up, i had hoped so badly for. to randomly check my phone and see a text from him knowing what it was about. i remember one time i had woken up from a night i had barely slept, after we broke up, to a text form him. it just read “no.” and i immediatley knew what it was. i also immediately let him back in. that was my frist mistake. anyways, i had gotten that text one night while doing homework on my bed. it was around 11pm and i was finishing up some work due the next day. all my lgiths were on and the tv was on. i remember sitting there just looking at it, and then looking into the distance in confusion, tyrying to determine my feelings about this. it didnt feel the same. i didnt get that same excitement i had so many times before this when the exact same thing happened. something was off. but like old habits, i replied. we talked for a little and he made it clear this wasnt the beginning of a journey to win me back. it was simply him letting me know he was sorry and that he was in pain from everything. and even thought i didnt believe him about much towards the end, i believe this. i truly believe he was starting to feel the loss because it had been the first time we really broke up. something i hadnt really thought of the past few months which was extremely contrair to what is normally the case. we texted and then went to bed. nothing too serious. fast forward a couple months from then and i was sitting in my kitchen. i told alexa to play a song that i had been lsitneing on repeat that day. i sat there and really listened to it and started to think of him, and cry for the first time since we broke up. like really cry. thats when i texted him and told him i needed to see him. so we did. we went to buffalo wild wings and things were weird and we talked and i held his hand for a few seconds and that was it. we didnt really talk about anything and dinner was quick. we then got in my car and somehow it got rbought up and man i wish i could remember. but we both just started bawling. crying our fucking eyes out like a couple of newborn babies. i remember us hugging each other tight and getting snot all over eachothers clothes. and we couldnt stop. we didnt want the night to end so we drove all the way back to my house (which was a half hour away) and sat at the river in my car and cried. we talked a little but mostly cried. hard. im not kidding, all night. obviously when these moments are occuring there is a lot of passion. youre obviously both very upset and vulnerable. i was also really fucking horny. so i started to kiss his neck, and that made him cry harder. and but i kept going, until eventually his tongue was in my mouth. making out and then taking a break to cry more. eventually we were in the backseat of my car fucking. fucking and crying. that kind of sex is always the best, but once its over you instantly know it was the wrong choice. so the sun came up and we said our goodbyes. we had been up all night. i went home and just walked right in, nobody even knew i was out all ngiht. i went right up to bed and fell asleep. i woke up around 1pm and just instantly started crying. i was so confused. part of me was so sad because i didnt know if id ever see him again or what was to come of it, and the other half of me was scared i was going to get sucked back in. see, we had gone about 3 months without really talking or anything and it was the happiest 3 months id had in 3 years. but after that night i realized how much i missed him, but deep down knew how bad he was for me and how toxic it was. half of me that morning was scared i had opened the door even a crack to let him back in. i knew it was no longer the road for me but went with it anyways. so after that we had seen each other again and then were back in each others lives. things were back to how they normally were; terrible. but, if we were back in each others lives after all that shit then we’d have to be the ones for each other, right? no. wrong. compeltely wrong. i was so wrong. this was the first time i had ever felt this way. this is when i started to discover that maybe i would come to my senses and leave him for good. but, i shoved these doubts in the back of my mind and continued the toxic relationship. what made it even worse was that i had been on tinder and he had no idea. meanwhile he thought we were exclusive and working on things. i was messaging guys while he was in my bed. i never really thought about this but damn that was fucked up. this is also how i began to know. i wanted something else. i knew there was somebody out there for me that wasnt him that was just in my reach and so close yet so far away. i just had a true gut feeling that they were coming soon. but i didnt know if that was just a random feeling or it was the truth. so i kept him around. and continued to talk to guys on tinder. some really cool fucking guys. and i never hung out with them because of him. (just letting you know, im a huge advocate for tinder. shit slaps.) another thing that made me believe he wasnt the one was that after sex, i would always cry. not because i was so in love or wish things were better, but because i knew he wasnt the one i was supposed to be having sex with. i felt it my soul. i had never been more sure of anything. then, i started to get annoyed when id see a text from him in the morning. i would start to get annoyed when he would tell me he loves me and id feel forced to say it back. and then i started to forget to answer him. i started to leave him on read unintentionally or forget to open his snapchats. id forget he even existed for a few brief moments, which were nice. i really really really started to know once i stopped loving where he lived. i had fallen more in love with that place than i did with him. that place was something special to me. and i had stopped feeling the same joy there as i always had for 3 years prior. these began to accumulate and i grew unable to ignore them. after his birthday it was so clear. i didnt want to have sex with him i did wahtever i could to avoid it. i dreaded the thought of having to spend an entire weekend with him. i then dreaded having to interact with him when i got home. it had become so clear and so vivid. it was time to leave. for good. and i knew it and i was ready. so sitting in social studies, after he gave me a hard time about not answering his last i love you text, i ended it. i told him i couldnt do it anymore. and he knew. he didnt even put a fight because he could see it in me. he knew it was clear for me that it was over. so the conversation that day was short. i cried in class that day because it was sad. 3 years of constant turbulence was over. i was relieved and happy yet sad. but i deleted him from everything right after i sent the text, deleted our conversation, and it was done. i knew it. i had never known that much before. there was no doubt. every ounce of my soul and being knew it was over and i could finally breathe. i had been putting up with so much shit for 3 years and was finally out. i never thought id have enough strength to get my self out of it which is a terrifying thought. to truly enver think youll get yourself out of a fuckery of a relationship but you did. to pull yourself from the depths of hell and find the light again. truly something special. i knew what i wanted for myself and felt him there the entire time. i knew my future was a kid attending west point but i had no idea how id find him. there was a constant energy pulling me towards west point. i knew he was there and that was waht i wanted. i wanted it so bad. i felt like my soul was being called to there to know the love of my life was there. and after goiong on numerous shit dates, i had finally found him. we had talked for a week adn then stopped talking for about 3. i randomly messaged him and then we made plans to hang out which i baile don. then i called him on snapchat and that was the begining to it all. we talked on the phone for 5 hours that night. when we got off the phone i was like theres no possible way that was the end of it. you dont talk on the phone and connect with somebody like that for 5 hours and then never talk to them again. so the next day i woke up hopeful but with no expectations. this was approximately one month after i had broken up with that piec eof shit so i was enjoying life on my own. i almost didntw ant it to end but i knew that somsething was calling me there. so we texted and he called me the next day. we talked on the phone several times after that, each 4-6 hours long. we finally made plans to hang out. i was at work, sweaty gross and tired aftering training 12 year old gymnasts for 4 hours. but i wanted to go. so i raced home, showered and got dressed and drove to west point. i got there and picked him up right in front of the mailbox. nothing was awkward and everything was going smoothly. we took a walk and sat and talked for 2 hours. no silence, no awkward lulls. nothing. it was great. i had a smile on my face the entire time. we started to walk back and i started to get nervous because i couldnt read the situation. i had hung out with guys before thinking it was going great and then they end up not kissing me at the end. so were standing there, about to say goodbye and then he gives me a hug. and im like fuck man. hes not gonna kiss me... really? shit. that sucks. but then he asks when he can see me again, and my spirit lit back up. we set a day. and then he asked me to kiss him. and i did. a quick one. but it was nice. it was cold and he got boogers on me. i told him and we laughed, and he hugged me and said he was sorry. but it didnt bother me at all. i thought it was cute and funny. i got into my car and immediaately called my best friend. i told her how unreal it was. and that i was praying that this wasnt the end of it. and the weirdest thing of all, was that when i got in the car, bless the broken road by rascall flats came on. i was stunned. i knew right then and there that i had found my forever. the love of my life. the kind of love you see in movies. i felt like i had loved him from the beginning. and then i got a text. one i will rememebr forever. “okay, i kinda like you” and that was the beginning of it all. never had i had a guy tell me straight up how he feels like that. ever. it had always been so unclear and this was the first guy to ever tell me that. from there, we stngarted hanging out more and talking more. and even after the first tim ewe hung out, i missed him. i really did. i truly missed him and it was the strangest thing because we hung out once. how could i miss somebody i hung out with for two hours? what? that was crazy. but then we started hanging out more and then we started dating. and thats when things started to go downhill for me. i was upset i had given up my freedom so fast. i was now bound to another human and respinsible for their feelings. i had to now report to somebody again and make sure i wasnt missing their texts. i had no energy in me from my previuos relationship. it was too soon. and i knew that. i didnt even have energy for arguments. i never wanted to hang out with him and i never wanted to have sex with him. i was straight up mean to him.. even considered breaking up with him multiple times. i did not want to be in that relationship but something in me told me to stay. soemthing in me brought out the life in me. and i started to go from resenting him, to letting him in. i started to be vulnerable again. and very quickly, i started to fall in love with him. i realized i had gotten exactly what i wanted. exactly. what i had prayed for so hard and wished for every second with my entire life. and i really havent sat down to think about that in its entirety. i thought, how cool would it be to date a west point cadet, and be so proud of who they are. and travel to where they live and meet their family and be apart of this culture and make new friends. and i have it. i have it . lik ewaht?! i have it. and hes fucking unreal. he gave me a promise ring because he wants to marry me. and he will. and its what i dreamed of so many fuckking times. i have exactly waht i want and i couldnt be happier. im going to florida in 3 days to be with HIM in his hometown. my west point cadet that lives in florida, im going to visit. like WHAT dude. what teh fuck. crazy. thank you god. 

[wolfqueenartemis]

"He looked angry and I wasn't quite sure why. He yells "fight with me. is that so hard? You act like im great when I aint shit. Tell me I aint shit its what ive been hearing my whole life and i know you think it too" His anger much like all of his emotions easily reflect upon me, a curse i guess for loving him so, it only causes an anger to over come me as I yell back " fight with you? You want me to fight with you? Fine. Dont you ever tell me that you aint shit I am not those fucktards that have called you and i refuse to do it because fuck you dont see it but i sure as fuck do. You are amazing damn it all the shit youve been true and you still smile you still survive. All that fucking weight on your shoulders that i wish you would just share with me but no you carry it and dont let it weigh you down. Now tell me again how you ain't shit." I took a pause. He simply stared with his brown eyes he knew better than to interrupt me when i was on a warpath. I began " I just want more time. I am not blaming you for this. I know your job and I know your responsibilities and most of all... I know our situation demands secrecy. It would be unfair of me to ask you to forget about them and I refuse to be unfair to you. I see the toll this takes on you not just us but your life and I wont make you feel like less of an amazing man that you are simply because you are doing what you are suppose to do. This doesn't change the fact that I just want more time with you we have a long distance relationship in a short distance and while it shows just how much we love each other i get scared. Youve been told you aint shit but Ive never been enough for someone to stay and Im afraid youll wake up and not love me anymore. I know opening up is not an easy feat for you but I just want you to try just so I know this is hard for you too and that you love me too. Just give me time thats all I ask whether a text a call or a quick visit. Time is all I ask" by the time i finished talking I was crying and a tear fell down your cheek. You wiped my tear away and rested your face on mine. We closed our eyes and breathed each other in. After some silence you whispered "Never in my life have I been loved like this never did I think I would feel like this. I didnt think in life i would make it this far but here i am and here you are... And I love you...this is so hard for me to be with you but not be able to embrace you to hold you to call you mine in public. I need time with you more than you know and more than i would like to admit. Im sorry that words and feelings dont come easy to me but I will try more. You have changed me in more ways than you know and I know you're afraid of the unknown but thats life however what does scare me is just how much i want this how badly i want us. I love you truly more than I can express I love you" we stood there in silence leaning on each other. Getting strength from one another and in that moment I knew that no matter how hard this gets we will survive together and we may be struggling so much right now but at some point we will have easy and we will be stronger than ever"

-T.L.S.M

Im not super good at conversation writting but I did my best

#an excerpt from a book i'll never write #love quote tumblr #excerpts from a book i'll never finish

[lesbianskylor]

*slides you five bucks* holly,,,,holly,,,pls give me greenlove headcanons,,,,the world Must Know

greenlove hcs

so . greenlove is this super poly ship a lot of my friends and i came up with. we basically all made an oc and plopped them into a poly ship with lloyd uwu

so, ill explain the ocs to you first!

micah (owner - tumblr: witchlightsands ao3: whichlights) he/him bi flower boy. he a flower boy baby!!!! hes a flirty mess of a bi and is constantly supportive of lloyd. also he loves puns. bastard nerd

rhian (owner - tumblr: cynicalmiles ao3 - cynicalmiles) nb she/her ace pan. she has the elemental power of magic! she also has two dads (nyx and max) and a bro named jayden (owner - tumblr: lightning-jay23 ao3: lightning_jay23). good at makeup. the shortest lol. she’s in the exact middle of the bastard/nerd/dumbass/valid scale

myan (owner - tumblr: qibliwinter/lesbianskylor (HEHEHEHE ME) ao3: hollyus) he/they pan. depending on the au, he’s a vet student or a volunteer or owner of a shelter! he has a dog named scritch and he’s pretty much, besides micah, the most normal one of the greenlove gang. valid nerd

bo (owner - ao3: Nagasha) she/her grayace demiro. she’s a coolass serpentine (hypnobrai)!! she grew up in a group of serpentine girls and she met lloyd at a p young age. probably the most down to earth one of the group. at the very top of valid nerd

ver (owner - tumblr: terezi-kin) he/they demiboy polysexual aro. ABSOLUTE meme trash. ASKJNDLSDFDK jokes are like, his defining personality trait at this point honestly. tall bitch but not the tallest. chaotic good dumbass bastard

celestien (owner - tumblr: iwillheckingfightyou/anywaylloydgarmadonistrans ao3: i_will_fight_you) nb they/them and arospec multisexual. tol long haired redhead, punches transphobes. they have two moms

also: here are more specific ship names

micah/lloyd - brightshipping

rhian/lloyd - emeraldshipping

rhian/micah/lloyd - sparkleshipping

myan/micah - m&mshipping

thats,, kind of all we have so far rip

OKAY - now we get into the actual hcs (which im SORRY miles youve probably heard them all in the discord nsdjkfldk)

rhian and myan are the shortest of the group, celestien and ver are the tallest

SO, rhian and myan totally ride on their shoulders and have a nerf gun fight

(in the circumstance his family is an owner of a shelter) myan and micah totally meet before meeting the others because myan has a shelter that’s like across the street from micah’s flower shop

at some point micah adopts a cat named skittles from the shelter and he cries when he first sees her bc shes so cute.

she’s around 2 years old and she’s a brown tabby with a white muzzle, paws, tip of tail, chest and stomach

she’s affectionate af

lloyd used to be single as fuck before greenlove and everybody made fun of him, so when he gets SIX WHOLE DATEMATES he laughs in their face

after the whole harumi fiasco the ninja DEFINITELY keep their eye on his datemates.

kai, to all of them: hey? hey! you hurt lloyd i hurt you

nya: (pulls out her samurai x dual swords) ill let you figure it out!

cole: ok yall seem chill but if you ever treat lloyd badly…youll regret the day you were born. anyways who likes video games here

jay: you better watch out…you better watch out…yOU BETTER WATCH OUT… YOU BETTER WATCH

zane: (gives off sense of intense protecting of lloyd)

anyways, it is eventually proven that the greenlove squad are all also extremely protective of lloyd (esp after all the shit he went through) and would never hurt him intentionally so all the ninja become cool with them

greenlove is the lloyd protection squad.

all of the greenlove squad minus lloyd: i am the lloyd guardian. guardian of the lloyd

the ninja: morro quivers before them!

greenlove gang minus greenie to morro: FUCK OFF

ver constantly tortures micah with memes and jokes

though,,, they do bond over puns

ver: you wanna go?

lloyd: yea

ver: on a date with me?

ver: OH YOU DO

ver: OHHHH

lloyd: YOU ACT LIKE I FELL FOR A CUNNING PRANK IM YOUR BOYFRIEND YOU EGG

lloyd: turtles turn up

myan: hell yeah go turtles

lloyd: dead on beaches

myan: oh dear god

greenlove: (just doing shit)

ver: wait

ver: so bo’s a snake person yeah

bo: …well, the term is serpentine, but..yeah??

micah: yea- oh god ver no

ver: we’re all scalies

bo: oh, um? i dont quite get what you mean, but his name is skales! not sure how he would react to you calling him, uh, skalie?

lloyd: (wheeze)

myan has, lots of grandchildren and children

(hint: they’re all animals)

myan, when a cat gives birth: hey guys look! its our 34th grandchild :)

rhian’s basically besties with nya

whenever she goes out on a date with lloyd, nya does her makeup, and kai does lloyd’s makeup (since nya and kai are makeup masters obvs)

any love song that’s sweet and nice: plays

all of the greenlove members simultaneously: HOLY SHIT ITS OUR SONG-

celestien: happy one year babe!

ver: 

ver: im 18

celestien is ur friendly neighborhood anarchist :)

they have a discord with the ninja & co (aka adding on skylor and pixal) named “0 days since our last nonsense”

ver: @everybody

kai: i will kick your ass if you tag everybody again

ver: @here

kai: bitch

ver: (feigning innocence) but you didn’t say dont tag here :) :)

kai: fucker

nobody ever. ever. EVER gives ver mod/admin permissions. it happened once and theyll never make the same mistake again

my hc shortest from tallest is rhian, myan, bo, lloyd, micah, ver, celestien

celestien when they’re around tiny animals: (tearing up) you are so small? i could crush you? you’re just? so tiny?

micah dramatically during christmas: ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS , IS YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU

bo: micah i know you’ve been telling us this again and again for the like past 6 hours?

ver: you know what’s my music taste? youtube channel historyteachers.

ver, yelling at the top of their lungs: this plague is bubonic! B-U-B-O-N-I-C

ver: im factkin with the lady thats always singing in those videos

he listens to it so much that all his s/os can recite renaissance man to you on instant if you asked them to

myan: love is dead. you leave me as i lay here sick and festering. you have betrayed me

lloyd: woah whats up?

myan: my dog stole my fuckign popcorn

their older siblings/parents trade embarrassing stories about them and its just terrible for them but really amusing for their older siblings/parents

kai (lloyd), nyx, max (rhians dads), the reols parents (micah), myans parents, vers parents, the snake girl gang (bo), and celestiens moms: (cackling evilly)

bo: so, i was doing this and my friend-

micah: wait

bo: what

micah: oh my god myan and rhian rhyme,

rhian (before they started dating): writes her name on something

myan: holy SHIT THATS HOW YOU SPELL IT?

celestien nickname cel and rhian nickname rhi cause its cute

thATS MY HCS FOR GREENLOVE WHICH I LOVE!!!!!!!! sorry for taking for fucking ever

also if yall want to request hcs then Sure but from now on with hcs being put onto my inbox ill take them as suggestions- meaning, ill delete them if i dont feel like doing them (if you ask off anon ill post privately that i dont want to do it, if on anon ill just delete it lol)

#lloyd garmadon #lloyd ninjago #ninjago oc #oc x canon #ninjago #ninjago headcanons #cynicalmiles #ask

[allcatsaregreyt]

Sollux Captor - Today at 4:47 AM

[TA began trolling CA!] @Eri Ampora TA: hey, i know you really don't want to talk to me right now, and reflecting on everything, i can't say i blame you in the fucking slightest. TA: you don't have to respond to me TA: but TA: uh TA: please dont block me yet TA: because there's a lot a want to tell you and itll take a few messages to do it TA: afterwards ill leave you alone

Eri Ampora - Today at 4:49 AM

[There's no response. But there's no idle message.]

Sollux Captor - Today at 5:59 AM

TA: when i met you, you were just this fun guy who memed the appropriate amount to be unserious and likeable, and you were fun to mess with too. just. a really fun person to be around. i really wanted someone like that around in my life, you know? TA: the pitch crush i gained on you should have really stayed just a crush, because outside of playful banter and memes, our relationship didn't really have much foundation. you weren't ready yet, and i wanted more out of you than you were ever willing to give me. TA: you started getting flush for me while i started getting pale for you because the more i learned about you, the more i started to pity you. the more i wanted to help you. TA: i wanted to fix you. TA: what an arrogant thought, right? TA: but i never thought of you as a project or a puzzle, i always thought of you as a person, my partner, someone hurting that i wanted to see heal. i wanted to be the one who could help you get there. TA: but, well. i'm shit with people. TA: and we both agree that you have a lot of shitty qualities too. TA: i couldn't figure out how to help, the only thing i knew that worked to get you to open up was to push you until you cracked. no one ever offered any other solutions, and it was the only thing i had to get you to talk to me. TA: that was wrong to you, and i don't think i can ever apologize enough for doing that to you. it'll never be enough. TA: i feel like i was wrong for making you be in a relationship with me to begin with. TA: i'm proud of how far you've come, of how much you've healed. TA: but trying to evaluate that pride, maybe that's wrong too. maybe i'm only proud because you did what i wanted you to do. TA: and that's disgusting too. TA: i hate people doing what i want because they don't want to bother telling me otherwise. Sollux Captor - Today at 6:00 AM TA: all this time i thought i was doing the right thing. doing right by you. i genuinely believed it. i've poured so much into trying to get you to thrive and be happy that i lost that ability for myself, and i'm realizing that it not only wasn't ever asked for, but didn't even help. TA: i wasted both of our times, all these last few months. TA: i'm still guilty about hurting you, when i was trickster. TA: i remember the whole thing. i remember that i was made to hate you. but i was so bitter even without that. TA: bitter that you kept running away because you needed to be left alone, and i wouldn't give you that. TA: i should have given up, back then. TA: when of all the things you could have chosen to forget to make your life easier, you chose me instead. TA: that i was the thing making your life so terrible, that you needed to erase me from it to find peace. TA: what did i do instead? TA: i kept pushing. TA: maybe mindfang was right about me and i do have some kind of hero complex. TA: need to be a savior. need to create the disaster. TA: and it did this to you. TA: you deserve so much more. TA: you deserve someone who can love you the right way, not poison you with "good intentions". TA: i really hope karkat can do that for you. TA: i hope that nothing happens between the two of you because of me. TA: please dont be mad at him. TA: we never really even had a real talk about breaking up. TA: just some vague ventposts. TA: i've never been more blind in my life than i have when being in a relationship with you, eri. TA: i didn't know where to go, had no one who would tell me, and you wouldn't talk. TA: i had to do trial and error and even that was hard because you wouldn't tell me if i was doing something wrong. TA: i didn't WANT to give up on you. TA: but trying to help you has eaten me to the point of crying constantly, and i just couldn't fucking do it anymore. TA: my heart can't handle it. i couldn't do it anymore. TA: but i didn't have an intention to stop being your friend, or to stop supporting you. TA: karkat said he'd keep doing what i tried to do, and hell, god knows he's doing it better than i ever did or could. TA: he said that maybe, once you'd healed, we could be together again. TA: but i knew then that it wouldn't happen, even if i could be hopeful. TA: i knew karkat and i wouldn't be enough, that's why i used my contacts to set you up with a therapist who could. TA: i hope she helps you. > There's a pause. TA: i dont know what pushed you to want to kill people in my town, i don't know how saness found you to stop you. TA: karkat and i were really, really sick when that happened. TA: i could barely walk and still i told her i'd come there if i needed to. TA: i wanted to make sure you were okay. TA: but i TA: i felt like you didnt want me there TA: that me being there would have made it all worse TA: so i didn't TA: after i found out where you were i was trying to figure out how to make things better TA: i'm fucking terrified of star but i contacted him because you two were close TA: i thought maybe you two could stay together TA: so that saness wouldnt have to keep you prisoner TA: but then star told me that you two fell out TA: and i didnt know any other options TA: i wanted to talk to you so badly TA: i wanted to understand what was happening TA: i was at school when shit hit the fan and i asked saness again if i could go there TA: because there wasnt another way to you TA: and i was so fucking scared eri TA: i couldnt lose you TA: i couldnt lose another moirail TA: i didnt want anyone doing anything they would regret TA: and i didnt have any fucking answers to suggest anything TA: i heard you were going to that prince guy TA: nadire? TA: and he was kind to karkat TA: so i thought youd be safe there TA: and im glad you went TA: and fuck i've already said so much but there's still so much i want you to know TA: i'm sorry about everything that's happened with saness TA: i'm sorry i pushed you so hard TA: i'm sorry i couldn't be a good kismesis TA: or moirail TA: or matesprit TA: fuck i haven't even been a good friend to you. TA: i'm never going to regret meeting you, or loving you. TA: i'm never going to regret kissing you, or forget anything that the stuffed wolf stood for. TA: did you know i got the scarf its wearing from star TA: star told me not to tell you that but i dont think im going to talk to you again TA: star was the one who hired me to check up on you while you were still living with me too TA: i wasnt supposed to say that either but it doesnt matter anymore TA: you deserve to know all the things i didnt tell you or couldnt tell you or wouldnt tell you TA: ive appreciated all the time weve spent together TA: theres been so much trouble but theres been so much good too TA: i miss you TA: i miss holding your hand TA: im not going to live all that long compared to you but TA: youre someone im always going to think about TA: no ones ever going to replace you eri TA: so what if theres people with your name TA: so what if im dating one TA: hes not you TA: and hell never be you TA: hes got your voice but ive never heard you in his words TA: youre sweet and kind and troubled and so so gentle and TA: not replaced TA: im sorry i just realized you wouldnt care for any of this TA: im sorry ive guilted you so much TA: im sorry ive pushed you TA: im sorry i broke promises TA: im sorry ive hurt you TA: im sorry ive forced you TA: im sorry ive cornered you TA: im sorry for all the things i cant name TA: i blocked you because i thought youd be better off without me still trying to engage this awful friendship TA: and im going to want to every time i see you TA: because just seeing your username on the dash makes me smile TA: just like it did months ago TA: even after everything thats happened TA: thinking about you makes me smile eri TA: and it still will TA: im not going to go to your lighthouse anymore TA: im having a transportalizer put into the hole so i dont have to cross your property to get into it TA: and its far enough away that it shouldnt be a bother for you TA: ill stay out of sight so you dont have to see me at all TA: and if its still not good enough ill abandon it and dig out elsewhere TA: but i can't leave it because the bees need cared for TA: and im sorry for getting mad TA: at this point i dont have a right to be angry TA: i took your tag as an invitation and broke in TA: and hell thats probably what you were baiting me for TA: because youre fucking smart and im just a shitty lowblood that happens to know how to hack TA: i'm not going to say im sorry for being in your life TA: you would have died TA: and i dont know maybe you would have preferred that TA: but ive been grateful for the extended time ive gotten with you TA: but i dont think ive helped you at all since the start TA: just gave you a few laughs but ultimately ive only hurt you TA: and i dont even think youre still reading at this point ive sent a lot TA: youll probably block me before you finish because its annoying TA: so its probably safe to say this by now TA: before we cut this off forever TA: i want to see you one more time TA: i want to give you a hug TA: and i want to say goodbye TA: because youre a real person TA: and you deserve a proper seperation instead of everything happening over text [TA ceased trolling CA!]

Eri Ampora - Today at 6:05 AM

CA: i don't think i could look you in the eye wwithout feelin' sick. don't come to see me.[CA ceased trolling TA!][CA has blocked TA!]

#discord rp #long post

[landgraabbed]

REPLIES HERE!

@romeo-and-simulet : and your stomach is still the best stomach

YES it isss i’ll never make khal wear anything else

@romeo-and-simulet : I AM SO DEAD SO DEAD SO DEAD ALREADY AND ITS ONLY STARTING AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

SAAAAAAAME I CRY

@romeo-and-simulet : at this point, everything gives me life and death equally

deepest apologies for the pain bby :o

@romeo-and-simulet : fuck u

:ooooo

@romeo-and-simulet : can i adopt khal as my mum too

yes please! this boy was born to be a mommy

@romeo-and-simulet : smh @ ur tags i cant believe we are friends

BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK 2GETHER SMH

@romeo-and-simulet : FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKKKKKKKKKKK

;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

@romeo-and-simulet : AAAAAA T H E O U T F I T

YESSSSSS i swear this dang outfit is more memorable to me than jess’ wedding dress tbh........

@romeo-and-simulet : YES YOU DO MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD

annie and khal’s ghosts screaming DOOOOO IIIIIITT behind jess’ shoulder

@bonnypixels : well that was surprising XD how did that happen, zazz?

careless whisper playing in the distance as kade drenches himself in sakura tea

@romeo-and-simulet : pr...eGANANANT??????????????

can....... u...... get PRRRREGANTE??

@romeo-and-simulet : i cannot believe youll make me wait till tomorrow

my queue is satan is why

@romeo-and-simulet : JESSSSSSSSSS BBYYYYYYY AND NOSES

this is just in jess and mal HAVE MATCHING NOSES I CRY FOR THESE NERDS

@romeo-and-simulet : THOSE STUPID FACES I HATE THEM SO MUCH AAAAAAAA THESE IDIOTS

I WILL SUE THEM FOR MORAL DAMAGE

@romeo-and-simulet : eleven what is eleven. time no longer exists and neither does space. all there is is monster legs, bad shoulders and my ghost, floating around them in the void. good bye world good bye gen 8

aaaaaand this is annie on 8 cuils. im sorry i have many regrets and this is most of them i will play a miniature violin v badly in ur honor. but GEN 8 MUST COME

@romeo-and-simulet : yes yes it has been waiting long enough now you might as well have a jolly good time right here and i will watch For Science

god imagine the political scandal that would b tho mal would get fired faster than they would finish. *victor voice* public fornication is NOT SFE’s plans my boy

@romeo-and-simulet : after you told me what you told me im feeling this on such a deep level and its beautiful jess is beautiful

AAAAAAAAAA IM CRYING also this makes me think that i never Tell anything if its not for Emotional Evil

@romeo-and-simulet : this is how ppl die jess smh

and here i was thinkin it was bc of political corruption and bribes and cupcakes

@romeo-and-simulet : the great mysteries of africa

@david attenborough pls make a doc on cowplants

@romeo-and-simulet : ALSO WELCOME TO...SIDEBOOB TOWN?

HELL YEAA I WANT TO LIV TERE

@romeo-and-simulet : bby girl need some more grilled cheese

she doooooo im crying

@theothercausims : so gorgeous!

aaaaaa thank you so much!!

@myshvno : WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE MIDDLE LEFT W H A T

jess dropped her ring and mal found it and returned it to her!! ;) what a good samaritan

@romeo-and-simulet : can i order a supportive cinnamon khal too

yes you can and if you order two you get an extra blanket to keep them cozy!!

@romeo-and-simulet : i wonder what else hes been eating apart from the food jess cooked 👀

i know i saw this comment already but I CRIED AND SCREAMED AGAIN ALL THE MEALS THIS BOY COULD WANT A DIVERSE AND HEALTHY DIET

@romeo-and-simulet : that big tiddy

tbh it terrifies me lmao

@romeo-and-simulet : save me from his face with those upped thirst levels please

👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀

@romeo-and-simulet : tHE PIPE IS LEAKING TODAY IS SOM DAY MAN

👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀  INTENSIFIES

@romeo-and-simulet : i too aspire to sleep all day

the dream

@myshvno : omg hes so cute when he’s in love mal just do it alreadyy

he too needs a motivational shia video smh but few things make mal feel like an awkward noodle

@romeo-and-simulet : my boy....

pls teach him out to eat properly

@romeo-and-simulet : dat ass tho

👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀  one must know their assets

@davidmont : OMG

i KNOWWWWW SOMETIMES THE REALITY OF THEM HAVING A COWPLANT IS SCARY

@romeo-and-simulet : PRRRRRREGANTE

AT LEAST HES NOT PERGNUT

@romeo-and-simulet : ahdmbajshgbdfg

SAME i feel this on so many levels

@romeo-and-simulet : gEOFFREY WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS RUIN THINGS

geoffrey is the embodiment of gold star u tried....... he tries to do good but is a bumbling father help him

@romeo-and-simulet : HE LOOKS SO FLUFFY AND SOFT I WANT TO RUB MY FACE AGAINST HIS RIGHT NOW PLEASE

SUHFFSUFDHFSHFE IDK HOW HED FEEL ABT THAT U MUST TRY AND TELL ME

#romeo and simulet #theothercausims #myshvno #replies #non sims #tHANK U ALL SO MUCH BBIES

[wereg0blin]

for the ask meme? all of them u thot

For ur and Cris' demand1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?Yes!!!!! 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?UhHHHHHH it is 3 years older than me but hhhhhhh probably not3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?Bicth ten mins ago4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?ALWAYS5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?If there are they can go fuck themselves right in the butthole6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?CHOKE-I dont know how but they found me - mr seen aka my eX hHHhH7. What exactly are you wearing right now?a cute ass blouse thingy some tights and christmas deer antlers on top of a Santa hat8. How often do you listen to music?every chance i get9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?jeans i guess10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?i dont even remember 201311. Are you a social or an antisocial person?both damn12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?On the cheek yes13. What about ‘R’?platonically yes14. Can you drive a stick shift?i can climb sticks???? does that count??? 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?they 100% do and i dont really care bc everyone talks shit about everyone 16. Are you going out of town soon?i dont know how to reply to this because i live in two towns17. When was the last time you cried?Wednesday i think,, i wish i could cry more often 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?i try to say it as much as i can bc i have a lot of love in my heart19. If you could change your eye color, would you?maybe a lighter blue bc gray blue isn't that pretty20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?not counting evan,,, uhh Boys ARE A BLESSING TO THIS WORLD FUXK YEAH21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.am planning to tell mh parents abt my depression but hHHHHH22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?if it has boy in it iT CUTE23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?NopE cris is like,,,, my best friend wtf24. What are you sitting on right now?b e d i t s o f t25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?FRIENS. LOVE THEM. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?ALL THW TIME B I TCH27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?my roommates 28. Do you get a lot of colds?nop, but when i do its fuxked up29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?Switzerland 30. Does anyone hate you?yepity depity do and i hope they burn in hell fucking pieces of shits31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?it will be a cold day in hell when i drink my dudes32. Do you like watching scary movies?BITCH I L OV E MAKING FUN OF MOVIESSO SEEING SHITTY SCARY MOVIES IS A FUCKING BLESSING 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?Nah how tf am i gonna eat spicy shit then???? ¿¿¿¿34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?2015????or 2016??? i think that was the worst my depression ever was35. Did you have a dream last night?i think????? 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?right now37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?hope not???? but then again???? kinda hope i do????? probably not doe38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?yes i know at least 2 boys and i feel so sorry for them39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?probs40. Did you have a good day yesterday?mmmeh41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?oh shit i have no Fucking idea 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?y e s43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?i think???? cris must've told me at least one time and evan too so Uhhhh i guess???? ¿¿¿¿44. What’s the best part about school?i get to have unnecessary crushes45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?ppppplenty46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?yeah but he called me a slut and a whore 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?god fucking hell all the time 48. Were you single over the last summer?yep49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?nope thank the whatever the fuck is out there 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?sleeping i guess51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?evan is a precious cinnamon roll fuck off 52. Are you nice to everyone?YES YES YES YES ALWAYS as i saidk i l l t h e m w i t h k i n d n e s s53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?h hh hhh fuCking tAke a wIld Gue Ss m854. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?bitch when i cheat will be the day i cut my throat 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?bad feelings? yescrushes? n0Pe56. Do you think you like someone?i think but i hope not57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?nop i do not Think so my dude 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?why THE FUCK would that matter59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?current ones?? i dont think so??? 60. Do you hate anyone?nah i just,,,, strongly dislike themexcept the fucking bitches i called friends i hopr they die in a fire 61. How’s your heart?idk i guess ok??? im always okay62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?not really pffft63. Have you ever cried over a guy?yes all the time,, boys r beautiful 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?hmmmmmmmmm idk i can think of a few people but i hope not 65. Are your toenails painted pink?I W I S H66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?bih i wish i could have my first kiss67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?if boyfriend cries i cry thats bad 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?poor poor souls that actually had this happen to them69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my sister!!! 70. How do you look right now?bored Even doe im honestly just relaxed 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?i do that with everyone bc if u don't like me u don't have tk be around me 72. Can you commit to one person?yes ofc!!!??? 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?even bby ilu74. Have you ever felt replaced?i think?? yes probs75. Did you wake up cranky?nop76. Are you a jealous person?hhhhHA YOU DONT EVEN K N O W77. Are relationships ever worth it?Theyre fun but the end of them makes me wanna die78. Anyone you’re giving up on?crushes and teachers 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?3 more years bih u better wait for meand u too eben b safe u dork80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?sssstudy h81. Last person you cried in front of?mom82. Is there someone you will never forget?yyyES83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?nope he doesn't really care about me anymore (although i dont think he ever did) 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?BICTH ID BE KISSING THAY THOT ALL OVER HER FACE AND WATCHING SAW AND VORING PIZZAEVEN DUDE HHHHELTS WATCH SAW 3 AND LAUGH AT THAT DUDE BREAKING HIS LEG AND THWN I CAN HUG YOU TILL I DIE FROM DEHYDRATION 85. Are you over your past?i ggggUess??? 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?i have no idea 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? @lady-misfortune @space-ace-sneevee @thelilshadowchild88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?what has been has been but i guess idk yet bc ive had like 1 bf for now 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?never kissed 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?i guess???????? 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?i sure as hell have no idea92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?Michael Jackson and I are best buddies bItch93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?noPe94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?i was in a relationship with my laptop and i didnt leave him from 7pm to 6am 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?he a dicky 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?bicth fucjing prettiest people youll find97. Who do you have texts from?crissy gorl that im too lazy to reply to98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?happened to me and i said "glad u told me earlier i dont want u being with me if u r uncomfy" it did hurt like a fucking bitch doe99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?bitch never kissed 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?me, myself and i101. Ever kissed under fireworks?NEVER KISSED FFS102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?IN a jar nicely packed and handed to me? no but stomach butterflies so bad i wanted to throw up? yes

[heinouslyyours]

At 11: 51 pm 4/12, an email to a certain blog.

hey

listen i know that emails arent my usual mo but bear with me im trying something new

yeah bear with me i say then dont know what the fuck to say i got so much i gotta tell you how much of this stuff can i tell you that youll even understand god i must be so hard to understand flipping back and forth like one of those flipping billboards that turn right before you actually manage to read whats on sign

cause i know i have this like habit of taking all the good shit you offer me companionship and support and a safety net and all that then turning around and fuckin pretending like i dont need any of it like im a big enough dude to save the president sure i dont go into fits when i see people do daily activities like cook and sew doilies

and then going and in the same breath doing the exact opposite shit going on and on about how much of a fuckin victim of circumstance i am oh yeah that totally innocuous every day thing sure would be fun if i wasnt soooo broken sooooo fucked up did it tell you i came from somewhere fucked up already??? cause i did and wah its never getting better oh wait no dont sympathy me im too cool for that i got this

back and forth like a goddamn seesaw god i must be obnoxious to deal with retroactive sorry on that one

and you know what the real kicker is for all that huffing and puffing about strider credos and stoicism warping my tragic backstory into batman style phobia powered crime fighting kickassery it never did a godamn thing and it wasnt like i was doing anything wrong either i wasnt not good enough at being a coolguy it was just that being a coolguy didnt do jack shit for how much it fucking sucked no you know what it didnt fucking suck it hurt it hurts so godamn badly

i miss a lot of things i miss some things i never actually had id take every day rotting off my own bones chopped up and bleeding goddamn everywhere with unhealing wounds always hurting like theyd just been severed id take all that again for the rest of my sorry life over the pain im feeling right now but thats not how bargining in the real world works and goddamn it theres not a soul to blame i thought for the longest time things wouldnt be like this if i had just been better in the moment but the fact of the matter is sometimes shit things happen to good people for no fucking reason and theres no save file to reload and no shits given for fairness and when somethings gone its gone

so i need to get off my ass for once and do what i should have done a long time ago (strap in cause im just gonna have to embrace my uwu catboy flowerboy strideralt side here for a sec and get real beyond reason here)

laffi thank you for everything you have ever done for me at some point your returns had to be outweighed by your loses but still you never gave up on me you kept giving all you got for me and im never going to be able to tell you how much that meant to me i wouldnt tell you how much you got under my skin back then because that would give you too much power and i didnt trust you with that prided myself on not trusting anyone with that i knew that would give you a level of control i couldnt afford but it simply does not fucking matter anymore which is why im sending this now ive used up even inch of my spare time and i cant look away anymore i have to keep going and deal with that kind of vague ass always with me hallmark movie sentiment i have never fucking wanted to try experiencing but gotta anyways

so lafayette from the bottom of the heart you restarted im sorry this was so damn confusing thank you for everything i love you so much and i think i always will

-budgie

(ps i reread this monstrosity and it sounds like a really questionable note i swear im not gonna do anything drastic i just needed to get it all out there for once)

#ooc #gris-grisly #save #((messages from the FUTUREEEEE #suicide mention \\ #long \\

[somedaypast-thesunset]

the thing is .... there is already a distance between us right now which one of us needs to cross in order to meet the other and it has nothing to do with the compromises of what he believes is going on.

the distance is 100% his mental health as well as his maturity. he tried to tell me today that i think im “enlightened” but i am not at all. i’m like really far from enlightened because if i were at all enlightened i would not even struggle as hard as i do on a personal level. what i think i am is several times more mature and 70% of the instances where ive brought up a valid point has been shit on by immaturity. its not just waiting for someone ‘to get better’. its waiting for someone to grow up.

like when i first met him i was really really against polygamy. he wanted to have multiple partners and he sold this as it owuld be a family unit and everyone would live together etc. but he never once presented polygamy as its known to be in sociological terms. to him its on “his terms”. like he can just go out and meet someone and bring them into his family and have the other people just learn to adapt with this new person he wants to have. like we all just live in his world. 

this is not even true polygamy of a like equal mutual respect. like maybe its not for me. i’m lke pretty sure its not for me but i’m not totally sure. as i spend more and more years alone, the idea of having multiple people love you very deeply is attractive but im not sure i want to enter that life. i can barely get one person to love me very deeply enough to spend their life with me. i dont know if i would hold out for two who not only loved me but loved each other as well. 

the thing is though i have like really cloe relationships with everyone. almost all of them are “relationships” without sex. they all bond very close to me, we spend enormous amounts of time together, we depend on one another, we buy each other things, we invite each other into our extended families - like we become so much of each others lives that its almost hard to maintain another relationship seperately without if affecting ours. 

so i cant say that i dont see how this doesnt work. i can see that and i can see myself perhaps coming to this crossroads where maybe i honestly decide i will never ever have children not even by accident and keeping it but i still have this matronly feelings where i want to care and perhaps that care would go towards these other partners. 

thats how i can see it happening. do i think it WILL happen? its kind of unlikely. like 70% unlikely. but fuck man - what if i like, dont date at all? what if i just like hermit myself and hang out in my room and two, three years goes by and for whatever reason it comes up and i just like gave up on normality of life and this is it now. i dont know. right now i honeslty could not tell you if in five years i will be married or sucking dick to smoke weed. i cant even tell you that. 

but i have all of the power of the decision for that. i dont know what ill do but i have the power to decide. no one but me. like i already had a shitty family. and i dont have to accept another one. if i invest my time and love into this family ill only be shit on and dragged along. 

and listen. if youre going to make me apart of your family - if i have no choice because you refuse to let your love for me go then at some point you have to break the toxic cycle of abuse an hurt in a family line. nd for the sake of everyone before him and him and everyone after - the morally right decision is to stop it. its not right to be a third generation alcoholic. its not right to pass on molestation. it is not right to be so disrespectful and manipulative while knowing what youre saying is just bullshit. its just fanatastical bullshit. im sorry that some girl broke your heart so badly that youll never get over her to a point youre willing to pass on that same hurt to everone else you encounter. and then ask me to essentiallly do the same thing. i will be the one responsible member of your fucking family and stop this cycle. or atleast im not going to be apart of it. im not going to take my place in it. 

because my god i am so much better than this. i am bigger than this. i am more selfless and empathetic than this. and you know what? IVE DONE THE MOST AND GOTTEN NOTHING MORE THAN ONCE IN MY LIFE. and im NOT GIVING UP WHO I AM BECAUSE OF PIECES OF SHIT LIKE THIS. 

what i really hate the most about all of this is that it becomes so convoluted in the moment that later on i focus on these really stupid insiginifcant things that trap me in a mindset that any of it matters. 

like right now i’m thinking about the absolute contradiction and hypocrisy he absolutely refuses to address no matter how you approach it. in one breath he says he will have other people he will have other wives he will have a farm and in the next he says he doesnt know what he wants where he will be how he will end up and hes not disappointing me. he wont even see how at this point i dont even have the opportunity to be “a” wife. you cannot whole heartedly tell me a future plan but then tell me you have no future plans. you absolutely do. 

so what happens when he goes away? it takes him less than week on holiday to contact the next bitch consistently so in which way is it working on himself to be exposed to romantic situations you just left because it was all too much. 

i am actually actively working on being a better person even right now. like i want to do a lot of shitty things. i am and have been looking forward to the moment i can actively ignore his calls and messages. which is terrible. thats actually a really shitty thought to have even if the person “deserves” it. its not even like a deserving it retribution thing it should be that i just dont talk to him because i dont want to. not because i get a kick out of ignoring him. i dont want to steal the weed ill likely get from him but the chances of it happening seem higher than they should right now. and i dont want to feel okay about it.

i told him it was wrong to offer to be a credit card for weed while telling me that i needed to support myself.  there was no benefit for him to get me weed and leave and i understand being nice but why put me 400$ in debt before you leave while simultaneously telling me that i shouldve been paying for myself. 

he said it was “different”. i was “doing something for myself now”. as in these shows i started doing to have the money to  move with him but now i cant so i just have money i dont care about and spend on weed because i cant mesh my future goals to the person i wantt o spend my life with. its diferent now despite having always still paid him back but i guess since its not from my benefits its “real money” now. but do you see how im trapped? if i were to take it and not pay him back i’d become just another person who ripped him off. but the thing is i feel i could easily tell him that i care more about my own feelings right now and it makes me feel better to not pay him back. why not? if he can do it? 

he was right though. i afforded myself the ability to be completely cut off from everyone else to think clearly on my own and he doesnt have that. but i did that through trauma and fighting and like a fucking war where i sacrificed damn near everything that meant something to me. and i am thankful and grateful everyday. like i walked into my shitty ass stuffy smelly small ass room and sighed relief. like thank fucking god. thank god i live by myself. thank god i pay for myself. thank god no man is taking money in my name. and in two years without getting what i “wanted” (which was half the easy way out nd half pure love) i didnt just give in or find someone who would give me the easy way out. i strapped on my fucking boots nand trudged the trenches - again. i didnt need to do this. i absolutely in no way needed to do this but i did. 

and i get all the time in the fucking world to think about it. i dont get up for a 9 - 5 and participate in society - i choose how the fuck i want to live and i dont give a fuck if you dont like it because you didnt do what i did to even get here and here is not even fucking luxurious. its not even a real accomplishment to find yourself completely alone. its actually a sign of great stress, great tragedy. 

i told him today my fathers old saying. he would sit on our balcony on the weekends, smoking weed and drinking pepsi and vodka. and these were some of the most beautiful moments and memories i have of my father. honestly. but he would turn to me and say, “i wonder what the poor people are doing.” and id look at him like youre nuts, “we are the poor people, dad.”

but i fucking get it now. i didnt get it back then. i honestly thought my dad was delusional to think this life we lived was anything to gawk at. we lived paycheck to paycheck. we werent like roaches in our place poor but we were extremely tight for money. but this is a man who for 50+ years struggled on the streets and had to build his own life nd his own family and after all of this - after all the drugs and drinking nd partying and women and trauma and abuse and everything in between - he sat on his balcony with his fucking kid smoking his weed drinking his vodka. instead of fighting to live he was just kind of living at that moment. it took him 50 years but he was just living now. and it was better than fighting to live. so it wasnt that he was questioning what literally the “poor” people were doing. they were very much likely doing the same thing. but he didnt have to fight to get that money to get that weed to sit on that balcony and not have a worry. he wasnt worrying about rent. he didnt owrry about food. he was completely utterly content with just not fucking fighting anymore. and the “poor people” were the people poor in soul - those who were still fighting. and sometimes it was said in jest - like he was proud to overcome the struggles and others it was said empathetically like he was reminiscing on those times and really appreciating where he was now. 

and right now i feel i could say “i woner what the poor people are doing”. like my own evaluation on this - i am certainly poor. but my worries are few. ive come to terms for a lot of things.  for me, i’d say this not based in financial cares but that my mental health is not poor. because i fought really hard and sacrificed many things to get this. but i did not shit on other people to do it. i did not take away from other eoples lives and i wasnt a heavy burden. 

and now i have the time to properly look at what the world offers me. i dont have to take things out of desperation because i am not poor in my soul anymore. ive been very poor in the soul before and ive taken things out of desperation - its only been since late last year ive afforded myself moderate “stability”. and i know now the difference between obsessing on something and being focused. i, in fact, spend a lot of time with him as well but im just afforded more time alone. an obsession would carry through and id be thinking about it all the time but i dont. i allow these moments to toore deeply because i am not distracted and i choose not to distract myself with things that dont add to the solution. like im not going to cry and play video games or watch moves or tv shows to “forget about it”. you shouldnt forget about it. you should walk through it and feel it and every lesson it is teaching you. and it really hurts. i dont feel the need to self harm anymore because life honestly hurts enough now. 

he said, “you think youre so enlightened. you need to let go of your ego” i wish i was enlightened. and like the past six months i have been focused on an enligtenment but not to be enlightened. i have no goals of mastering spiritual planes and im not trying to be “beter” than my emotions. i am actually trying to let go of myself to such degrees that i understand the complexeties of emotions and thoughts which i and other people have no control over as human beings. its not me trying to make other people better. no one has to follow my path at all. i feel so assured constantly that what i am finding in my seeking of answers and questions is the right thing. it constantly proves itself to me. i dont need to believe in it anymore - it’s not “faith” or “higher powers”. it’s become nearly a science, as i practice and experiment with putting things out and accepting things in by frequently getting the same results with new thought patterns and concepts. i’m not like “if i think about getting this hard enough it will appear”. its a deeper empathy and understanding of what is happening around me to be able to control my own emotions and thoughts to have a better opportunity to find a sense of my own happiness and not add to the suffering of others. like its really important to me to not add to the suffering but i dont believe either that i have the capacity any longer to help those who are suffering. i am not a guru or spiritual leader, you know? i’m not a real caregiver. not anymore. more so by helping those who are sufferng i make it detrimental to myself which in turn likely adds to the suffering in ways im not seeing outright. 

and my attitude, you know? ive spent much time being severly depressed and i honestly feel maybe constantly a sense of depression so im not like overcome and recovered but it made me extremely negative in ways i can now identify in other people with similar depression issues. and it wasnt that this negativity made it “bad” for anyone else. i wasnt like a wet blanket to a positive experience. it was that my attitude left me wide open to be relatable to other extremely negative people which consistently “proved” how i felt about things to myself. and i would become bonded to extremely negative people that even once i began to see my own negativity, their extreme negativity was keeping me down and forcing me to address things i had already addressed times over with myself. but now i was arguing with a depression wall in someone else and i know what its like to be there and i know its absolutely futile and now i can see why i’m alone. i chose to be depressed. no. no i didnt. i chose to be negative. i didnt choose a depression. a depression is a natural emotion that everyone experiences but i chose to funnel that depression through extreme negativity and pessimisim. aand again because im alreay around people doing the same thing its really like a circle jerk of negativity more so than me personally bringing down someone else. but i chose to be apart of this and i chose to let these people influence my life and my daily thoughts. its not just this relationship - its friends as well. 

you can be depressed but once you become negative, you cant be helped. you have to chose not to be negative not to make yourself change your mind about being depressed. its not “fake it util you make it” its “Fake it to not detriment your recovery”. youre not convincing yourself that things are actually positive. they might actually still be negative. i can walk out my door and 14 shitty things will be there but if i tell someone all 14 shitty things thats the entirety of our fucking conversation and i missed the opportunity to have a real connection deeper than my negativity. 

even right now i decided not to be negative about this seemingly “crazy” act of obsessively focusing on something no one else will care about and being up at 1am typing it all out but i deserve this. i deserve a space with no fucking time limit, no interruptions, no profit on it - i deserve all the hours in the world to express myself because i fucking can. i cant say if anyone in the entire world “deserves” to have another person sit and listen to them ramble endlessly for several hours. but everyone deserves the space to do it even if no one is listening. even if its not an expert with a pad and paper compartmentalizing all your issues. 

its not that i want to be happy, i want to practice being less negative. not even like “be positive”. i would rather say nothing at all than spew negativity. i dont have to be positive but i dont have to be negative either. and this alone will open things up to me and people up to me tht i wasnt able to relate to before because theyre smart enough to stay away from such draining people. which only creates an even better influence in my life. 

i want music back in my life. i lack something when i chose a partner who doesnt have a musical talent of some kind. even if its like a deep love of music itself and they dont play an instrument. but a deep love. i want to dance in the living room. i want to sing at the top of my lungs. and i want to feel secure in doing this because thats who i actually am. its heartbreaking to spend so much time not being who i fully am. its not like im lieing. im just always holding back. i have capabilities but i dont want to share them because of the negativity around me. and its not just like insecurity - i am insecure but being in an environment of negativity only makes being insecure that much worse. i want to stay up until 4am discussing the hilarity of 80s hair metal and the intricacies of the keybords and organs in psychedelic rock and we spend hours back and forth “this is the best song of all time,” and its actually the best songs of all time and not some soundcloud rapper or pop singer. 

i want to wake up in the morning and the first thing he does is play music so i can sing along. i want him to send me songs throughout the day related to things we randomly talk about. i want him to love my love of music so much that i sing to make us happy. 

i want to be number one. everyone else who came before me have no lingering connection or meaning to them, there is no “great love” before me. there is no “if i had a chance,”. i am the number one pick and they wouldnt see themselves with anyone but me in the grand picture. im not expecting their dick to only work for me but i am expecting that i remain their first and foremost romantic thought. i will never be treated based on how someone else treated them. i will be treated exactly the way i deserve based on my actions towards them. i will not have someone treat me based on how they predict the future will happen for them. if i am faithful and loving and i am adding to our lives, i expect no insecurity, no lack of commitment because “some other girl cheated”. i will not be based on women before me. period. 

i want him to have an accepting loving family or no family at all (as cruel as it may sound). i mean fully outright accepting and loving with great support of him and myself and our choices as a couple. if i cant have that i’d rather him have no family at all than be put through the ringer of another two faced mother in law obliging her son to get his dick wet. his lack of family or choice not to be involved with them wont reflect on how i feel about him at all unless the circumstances are outrageous. 

i want money to be setn as a secondary to the relationship and i know this is a lofty want; i may compromise on it because its really hard not to fin someone who doesnt fear money or lack there of. but i want it to be seen as something our unit needs and our unit works on. i dont want to accept gifts or be paid for excessively - even if its offered. of course its on me to decline to set an example. but i dont want to accept them because it sets this precedence of them doing it out of habit and it is less of a unit “lets split a pizza” and more “im always buying dinner”. i dont want a partner who feels its a deal breaker to _not_ get that pizza because i dont have the money or dont want to spend it. they should be okay with going without a luxury for something less luxurious. the experience of life itself and our life together should be way more meaningful than going out for dinner. 

i want them to cook and clean equally as much as i do. no one is a handmaiden to anyone else. i want them to treat me right during sex - i am flexible and moldable, switchable and aim to please more often than not but i have no desire for it. 28 years old, fucked enough - no desire. i want them to know im here for them, i want them to get off on it and use me for it but know im here for them. not because im trying to get something for myself bu because im giving them something i could do without. 

they wont see our time together as time they “waste”. even if we’re laying in bed watchng netflix - they will love it as they love me. all of our time together is an investment into each other as people we love and adore. 

and its not going to be him. and im sad - clearly. im clearly upset. im upset like anyone would be for a break up and the end of something you wanted. of course, he tells me this isnt a break up - only i would consider it as such and would be making that decision. and that we ultimately dont work because he wants his “wives”. but we ultimately dont work because of all of the above that he doesnt begin to meet. maybe a bit of cooking and cleaning - my exs were terrible but its not good enough nor is it equal. he told me he wouldnt stop by here when he had to come back for a wedding in september because he thought any time we spent together here was not worth it. like just having time together itself isnt worth it. i must be giving something to him for him to care. 

i mean i have to really reflect myself on why i stayed with him and why i loved him. i find it very very very hard to describe or explain for all this time and im not sure if i was just hopeless romantic or if i refused to see things for what they were. do i still love him? why? why do i still love him? like im really thinking hard on it because my default response had alwasy been “hes nice to me”. which he is - hes very very very sweet and no one else has treated me with as much kindness as he has just like as a human being. like no one had ever been so affectionate and sweet. but thats not even enough. 

he told me that if / when ive decided to end this that i had to let him know. it was repeated multiple times that i had to let him know. and as i reflect now - it means nothing overall. ive read into thousands of things in my time and led myself in far off fantasy lands to be broken hearted because of my own stupidity. but i question why i have to let him know. why do i have to let him know? he has left the entire province, cut off accessible communication and plans to carry on fucking other people but i ave to let HIM know when i’m done and moved on? why? will you assume differently if i dont tell you otherwise? like do you think we’re “together” - how do you tell someone who youre not in a relationship with that youve moved on from the relationship you dont have? 

you know, its not about convincing myself about anything. i’ve accepted his departure to a point that i am debating on how i want to handle it. i’m not convincing myself that hes staying or come to a grand epiphany. its not going to be a grand epiphany. its goingto be shit that was sitting in front of him the entire time. it is completely asinine and delusional. it’s not like i’m going to go on a date with someone and suddenly decide fuck him never talk to me again - i will become disinterested in him. and he will know ive become disinterested. i wont even be sly about it, lets be real. so you either ignore what im doing up until the very point its crossed the line anyways and youre just getting a fucking random heads up that ive been seeing this person for weeks now or you realize im disinterested and stop communicating with me because its not my obligation to inform you when im going steady with someone else. why would i tell you i no longer am with you in a relationship i was never in with you? i dont have to actually tell you anything at all. 

and having this knowledge does what? how does it affect things for you? why is it something you need to know? you have no plans for me in your future other than “ill spend my life with you... later”. the plans remain exactly the same whether im fucking someone else or not. so why is it important? 

is it control? how can he control me with this information? if i have already disattached to a point i have to inform him of it, he’s become mostly powerless and this is simply knowledge for himself. 

its endearing. he does these endearing little things that make me feel different ways about things and i actually believe him at a face value but my _gut_ tells me something different. its not like im delusionally believing hes going to change his mind and we live happily ever after. from my own experience of him it coul take literally years for him to change his mind about even one part of it - my brain knows this. my gut is saying wow theres so many red flags here pointing towards this being a delusion hes carrying. 

like he is more in love with me than i be with him. he is constantly looking at me just to look at me, is constantly concerned with my well being and will immediately jump to help me if i need it. he has repeated several times that he is completely invested in me as someone in his life and he cannot stand to see me suffer or go without because he only feels good if i’m happy. im contantly asked, “are you a happy girl?” when hes able to buy me food and give me weed and seemingly present all the things i wanted. he calls me everyday, sometimes multiple times a day and then almost assumes outright i will come to his house which mkes me feel weird when theres days where i think maybe i could stay home but i feel wanted and its nice. he tells me that no one has ever treated him as good as i have, that i am constantly on his mind. and yes this comes with his moderate infidelities of which he obvious set up to not be infidelities. ive told him over and over again that when he slept with someone else, we’d “see what would happen” but the implication was that i’d likely no longer be with him and for two years, despite it being there, he chose not to. i dint make him do that. i didnt say like ill destroy you if you sleep with someone else. i just told him wht i would be doing with my own actions based on his actions. and it would be to stop being with him. 

my gut tells me there is both an honesty and dishonesty here. i believe he thinks he is being honest with himself when he says he is making a tough decision to better life for both of us. (of course, of course “what about the multiple wives”) i believe, in his mind, that the only thing that changes between us is the routine. he is not well enough to give security for anything about the future. he is grasping for straws and cannot see any light for all the shit piled on to him. to me, my gut - and my god could i ever be wrong. and ive never been so open and honest about the potential of me having egg on my face. honestly i could be so fucking wrong and it could go so opposite. i dont know. this is just my gut. my gut tells me that hving so much piled on without ever dealing or  making even an effort to see the light has left him in antiquated views - he is not actually anyone right now. he is not himself. he is an amalgamation of all the experiences he had up until now and his current life no longer reflects these ideals he once held in his early 20s but much rides on his ideals. like his whole ego and character rides on these ideals. so he is doing what he has known, what has been built for him by all these other things out of routine and straight out not knowing what the fuck else to do. hes not going to be a pleb but hes not going to live this fantastical life he thought he might at 21. 

i honestly dont believe the mulitple wives thing is the issue between us. there are several severalllll things he has said that really points towards having much deeper commitment issues and insecurities that were never addressed because he has to keep up with this character. it would be just as crazy to say, “im going away to try and rid myself of my multiple wives ideals” 

he said to me, “ive thought about bringing you with me - ive thought about it and was like wel what the fuck will she do once she gets there”, implying i hve no relative work skills to find a job. 

it shouldnt be that. it should be “i thought aout bringing you with me but multiple wives”.  every single thng should come down to “but multiple wives”. all of it. doesnt matter if i have a job or not. what im doing. doesnt matter. mulitple wives.

but here we are. “its not a break up, your only seeing it that way from your perspective and youre welcome to but thats your decision not mine”

“i’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. i have already committed myself to you. whether you are with me or not, i want you to be happy. i want to be with you, this doesnt change.” 

“i need the support. if i were in the military and went away for five months what would you do?”

BUT. MULTIPLE. WIVES. i realize now i am the logical one here. that i am logically chronically bringing up the fact that this brings an end to our relationship because it cannot continue the way it is long distance. and he is the one unwilling to actually let it go. i am almost asking to break up and to have him set a scenario where neither of us have to feel really shitty about it and he will not accept the break up as is. 

but multiple wives?

if i were 24... id put on the blinders. like im trying to tell myself in some way i wouldnt but i absolutely would. i’d be like fuck it im with you lets fucking hash out these however fucking many months cuz im gonna prove my fucking love to you. and id be like a hopeless romantic, completely fucking dedicated with hearts in my eyes like this was all going to work out amazing. 

but im 28 and not naive anymore so im at this crossroads where im being asked to do that but im world wear enough to know that u dont make any promises to someone who cant make them to you. 

but didnt he? through every single fight he has not once told me to leave. he has never told me he doesnt love me. ive literally only been told hes committed to me but because he has contradicted it through other statements and actions ive struggled and i was right to struggle. it would be a struggle. i am the one who brings up the potential of him meeting someone else and like every other possibility i bring up - he agrees it could happen. but i dont think it was necessarily his first thought. 

he said, “i’m not going to communicate with you every two hours like your friend expects her boyfriend to”. i exaggerated it to days and weeks, but we dont speak every two hours now. nor did we when he went away on holidays. when he went away on holidays he rarely was involved in my daily happenings. it is being a military wife but without the fucking pride of your partner saving lives. its like well today he would rather play video games for several hours and jack off than have a decent conversation with me. 

of course - i’m literally putting this on him quite like how he puts it on me tht i would be a bum if i went with him. we become so hurt in these moments that i definitely begin to passive aggressively jab at him which causes him to become defensive. our fights dont start the way they end but theyre stil about the same topic. 

as an experiment, i sort of want to lie to him .. multiple times. like take advantage of this scenario where the chances of breaking their trust is pretty high but the chances of it not working out anyways are probably higher so i could just like.. life experiment. no one will die. i will be a shittier person for it. someone will know im a shitty person. and ill have to live with it. i will have probably deeply hurt them in a way that affects how they act with others later. of course if they find out that is which .. terrible. very terrible. i know right and wrong. 

but id first like to lie about having a job. this would be something id do casually. i wouldnt make ike a huge elaborate lie with characters involved and like storylines of my great success. i would simply say i got a job. and if he asked me about it i would tell him i dont want to talk about it. not because its illicit or anthing, but because its undefining to me. it means nothing and changes absolutely nothing at all. i will seemingly be less available. i will seemingly have “more money”. i would like to see what the response is and the ongoing reaction to it. would he not care at all or would he keep trying to ask me about it? would it change his opinion of me? would i be treated differently? although this is a shitty lie its not that i’m trying to trick him; i would always work to be with him if i were with him. but im not so i dont. sorry not sorry. my benefits affect you not at all and i have a place to live and food to eat so chill?  i just want to know what would change. i wantt o know maybe is it worth it to actually have a job because his attitude changes in such a way that it seems like im stable or secure. if he questioned why it came now  when he was gone... i dont know. i had other opportunities. i dont want to talk about it, it doesnt reflect anything on your life now. 

id then like to lie about seeing other people. play through that scenario. tell him, whether i did or not, that i had been seeing someone for the past few weeks and we’re together now. he’d likely tell me he was happy for me and keep whatever disappointment to himself. id like to, if i had the balls, really lay into it. “i’m not your girl anymore. i’m not your property. i’m just not yours anymore and i’m not going to be shared.” because thats what it is. thats really what it is. i coul sugar coat it, “ive been seeing someone else” but it translates to the fact im not yours anymore. 

of course it’d all be such cruel irony that it comes to be that hes not wht he thought he was and im actually way worse than i thought i was and showed my own ass. i also want to not pay him back the money i currently owe him and whatever i may owe him in the future if he buys me more weed. who knows if he actually will right now. i think if he still does its a sign that i shoulnt be a piece of shit and lie or steal because its a commitment and dedication even with this frustration right now. 

i want to act as though he has already left before he leaves. i dont really want to see him before he leaves. this is my selfish act, i suppose. if youre gone, youre gone. i dont want to play house for three days and smile and wave as you drive away. thats not who i am and i deserve different.  it doesnt correlate with his vision that we’re still together very much but im just so upset and frustrated. and if im not being negatie and i dont have to be positive i want to be nothing at all in his life right now. neither negative or positive. im not going to support you the way you want on this so im not going to be there for it and make it harder on you. 

im actually pretty stoked not to see his mother anymore. honestly. shes very two faced to me now and ive lost any respect i had left for her. ive found it hard to treat her nicely and she is a reminder of a part of society that im not a fan of and wont be involved with. not only has he been detrimental, but she has been as well - telling me to my face outright that i had no friends outside of her son when i had a dozen more i saw regularly. thats not support or care or lifting someone up in any way. this is belittle and degrading them until they “break” and “come to your side”. i really appreciated that she was willing to “take me in” for what its worth but it was never anything that wouldve catapulted me to any where from where i am. but they felt they had given sooo much help to me nd that it all should be life changing because i have dinner with them. 

i am not even anxious or sad about the time im about to spend alone. and its going to be alot of time. im going to be too bitter for the first bit to be proactive in much of anything and i will take the time to be bitter. but ive learned to fill my days and as he fades more into the distance i think i will itch for something - anything - to look for in my future and ill make something for myself. 

[madigabz]

1-21-18

Yesterday was so busy at work I slept until 2:30pm today...I was still able to get one thought in before I passed out & that was me calling you my bf on the phone. I didn't mean to do that. I am trying to find out where to move to. If I stay here or go to South Carolina. I like it here and I don't want to be away from my siblings bc so much bs happened months after I moved to Colorado and I hated not being there 😞

I know we aren't dating. Honestly Alan, I have expected you to be with other people this whole time. Just like Valentyne giving you trust issues, you have given me them as well. You say you live in the present, but that's really contradicting when you're comparing me to that cunt in any aspect. Even if you don't fuck someone as soon as you get out- I'm going to get old. And if you need new pussy/ arm candy, like you do $ I have no luck. So please don't sugar coat your intentions and lie to me. I'm sorry I hurt you but to be honest with you; I never expected to end up in a relationship with you. Read this draft I found the other day about you

"1-16-13 when i said id stop talking to you you said shit happens-you said you would of neverrr been with me if makayla lived closer-you said shit happens if you get put back into foster care-you dont care if ppl are in your life or not-you walk away easily-you get pissed off easily-you get closer to me then ignore me and sometimes tell me you want to be done-you called me a bitch and you wouldnt sit in the back with me for whatever reason when we went to detroit then you fucked me at whits gmas..why do you think i slept on the couch?-you barely text me or talk when we hang out-you dont explain yourself all that much anymore-you like being right too much or proving your point :p-you rather be pissed off then fix it, even if what you heard was a rumor

you know me-i could tell you anything-you like the things people hate-youre real, sometimes-you see life the same way i do i think-you can be a gentlemen and drive or wipe off my car or just be sweet or cute-we have a five second rebound with each other-youre honest-you dont like getting close to people-youre stubborn-youre so adorable 🙂 <3-im scared that youll just walk away and be able to do it like i was nothing-you make me feel special when you say some of the things about why you like me & how i make you feel-you make me happy the way not a lot of people can-you play xbox too much and you arent social-youre playful-youre cute with kids-you do you and you dont change for people or around people-you always mess with me and attempt to give me hickies!!!!-you warn me and mess with my head-and you give up on a lot so easily-but i always have fun with you laughing and smiling

ill never meet another you thats for sure

and youve taught me how to be more independent and not put up with shit

even though i put up with a lot of your damn shit lol

i dont think we will date or ever get along all that well, itd never work i feel like but i wanted you to ask me out so badly especially when i found out you were going to! But im happy i met you even if youve made me feel really shitty before you were def one of those people to come into my life to learn from them. I trust you and I trust you with my happiness so I hope we can just make the best out of everything."

Alan, I don't expect anything from you. I do appreciate you and value you so much. But we were never suppose to be together, we are each others soul mates and all that we have done and continue to do is teach each other. I made all these videos this past year, talking about the shit you'd say to me while visiting. Saying to myself that we aren't going to work out 😞 even if I excuse all of the past, you still say shit that isn't okay. I've mentioned everything before so I'm not going to sit here and play the blame game. I know I did this. I sacrificed everything hoping you'd change your views on everything in your life. Values & thoughts. I couldn't do anything to help you see the beauty in this world or even within myself. Bc nothing is enough for you to be happy and satisfied. I am going to mail out everything I read today back in October. You won't want to read once you're out lol. It'll explain so much to you. I appreciate you telling me how you feel and I'm glad you're saying it before you get out. "You need to figure out where and who is best for you and do it." It's not that easy bc the bigger picture isn't about me and my feelings. I gave in and went to see you last month....but I know that all that we go through is a lesson that we are suppose to learn from in this life. Our souls have been through many lifetimes and ALL of our souls have to find our divine purpose in each life/ journey they encounter. We are just in the skin of two souls that have been together in past lives. Just like I said at 17 yos you are someone I am suppose to learn from.

What do you mean about learning from my actions, even my picture perfect as? lol. I know it wasn't smart, I had a feeling that something was going to happen. But I'm wreckless and destructive. I consider as my future as well, but I'm still only relying on myself. Which is the way it should be... but I have always known that I was going to be alone, doing my own thing; living in my own world on this journey. I don't hold anything to anyone. I don't anticipate on people staying or even being the person I project them out to be. And I own my own pain that I self inflicted. I accept that chance & still see people for the beautiful, imperfect human being that they are. People are worth the pain. You are worth the chance. "You can't change someone that doesn't want to change for themself." That just shattered so much hope I had for you. I just want the best for you and for you to be positive and happy. Meditating, eating well, healthy, HAPPY. But idk how to do that for you and the more I try the more my heart keeps breaking. And I keep surprising myself. I think that I can't hurt more, but it's never true. I know it all happens for a reason Alan. I'm trying to be as strong as you've taught me to be. Angel told me I had darkness in me that doesn't belong to me. I hold this cloud too no matter how much I try to shine. There's negative in everyone but you drive to the bad instead of ever being optimistic and seeing the good. You'll see in my letter... being aware and knowledgeable makes you more prone to being sad and having no hope. A new girl at the candlelab, Arin, is just like me. She went to Australia and Australians were shocked over how many ppl are depressed and have anxiety in America. She says they don't touch the food we eat everyday. She says it's the food- sugar and pesticides. America is so far up it's own ass we don't see how shitty everything actually is here. so unauthentic. I believe in karma. But beyond religion, what we believe in, luck or karma- all that matters is how we deal with it. I just ram into so much in my life that I am trying to be more gentle to myself and my feelings. I have been trying to mend myself so much lately. Learn how to handle this. Idk how moms deal with soooo much negativity and crazy shit that happens within her family. Like meme and my mom. So much makes sense to me now. I know nothing makes you happy Alan. Not even me, and everytime you let me go- bc you say "you know you aren't good enough" I run back. Even though I can't love you through it, I still try to pour all of me into you. Because I love you. But both of us are so exhausted already. What's the meaning to life? Being in the present, self love...we destroy our planet and all that we have is this earth. There must be other planets with living organisms. Who knows why we are here. Ppl have babies to try to make themselves feel better and be happy. But the world is so corrupt why keep us around? I'm just sleeping and moving, I'm not "living." Being a virgo my purpose is "I serve." That's literally what life consists of and I actually 100% agree with that and know its true. Aries is "I am." Tbh with you you are the only reason why I want to live and it shouldn't be that way. You have too much power over me and no matter how much I want to trust..I just can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not letting myself have the strength to go on on my own </3.It's time. I'm thankful for the trees and that I can swim. I just want to swim away. Just keep swimming for the rest of my life....what's happiness? What's the purpose of life? Self love. That's all that I got. All that I have left. All that I'm trying to get to. I hope everything goes good for your out date too. I don't think we should we fuck. And I understand if you want to be with other people. I've been slowly peeling off the band aid and it's time to rip it off.

I still want to pick you up but I can’t sleep with you. You’re my best friend but I don’t want to lie to myself or you. You know I’m not your future. Are both of us suppose to walk alone our whole lives? You know you got me wrapped around your finger. Do you have to let it linger? I’m sorry I hurt you. I hope all that I’ve done has helped you begin your spiritual journey to the light. Happiness, optimism, self love & rightousness. You’re definitely the reason for mine. Crying all day.

You’ll be out here so soon. Taking on the world and conquering it...I love you warrior.