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xangrr · 29 days
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Last year I told a family member "I have no interest in appearing feminine." (in case you didn’t notice because you've been ignoring every bit of evidence for the past 25 years) (I might not be as "pretty" but I feel more beautiful in my own skin than I have ever felt.) (Imagine how much energy I would save and how good our relationship could have been if I could have just existed as I am!)
Here's to showing up for myself and people around me, taking up the space that was never given to me, and making no more compromises for how I want to be perceived.
(Choi, she/her, cis gender-nonconforming for as long as I can remember but only came around to it over the last year. Happy transgender & gnc day of visibility.)
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xangrr · 3 months
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True story there.
I got diagnosed of the same thing my OC i roleplayed during years has been struggling with, never myself realizing that it was part of my own struggles.
Really it strikes hard when friends told me "This boy of yours has kind of troubles, how do you play it so well ?"
And for me it was all a matter of "Well I wrote him so I know him better". Turns out if you come to write specifically good about a subject so intimate, M A Y B E there's a pattern to check.
Its been years really (five at least) and I got to see psychiatrists only last year - for the exact same thing I've never suspected until roleplay pointed it. Now, I know exactly what my character has, and I know exactly why it was so natural for me to express it through him.
Turns out I've been masking all my life so much I gaslighted myself, and RP helped me unmasking. Through fiction I got to know myself better, and that, too, explained partly why roleplaying has always been such an escape and a relief to me. Isnt it amazing that our mind is capable of such wonders ?
Got told by a long time friend and RP partner
"Did you notice all the OCs that you make that you end up loving to write have this same trait? Even if they don't start with it you always end up adding x to them?"
And I was like haha what a coincidence
"Do you think it's a part of you thats screaming to escape and writings the only way you can express it?"
OKAY DAMN
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xangrr · 3 months
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xangrr · 6 months
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The Bone Library
"...and Coldharbour too had it's collection of books - ossuaries were to us gigantic bookshelves where knowledge of the cold-damned would one day join the pile of bones they, alive, were forced to study.
To tidy all this mess up was not even a burden. In fact, carving dates and conjuration circles upon those skulls had something soothing to our shattered mind. I thought, "that is a hobby I shall keep". For when we were younger, I copied books and scrolls at the Mage Guild already... Was there in fact any difference but the prime materials? "
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xangrr · 9 months
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Take off your disguise...
I know that underneath it's me.
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xangrr · 10 months
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Styriche and Kyriion visiting the grave of Sty's mother in the Rift. Another commission for @styriche-blackfyre <3
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xangrr · 10 months
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I really like this sketch I did for ArtFight ❤️
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My dunmer OC Varos is drunkenly teasing a telvani wizard 🤣 A very bad idea...
The poor Telvanni is lunacove.art OC Lliros ❤️
My AF profile ->
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xangrr · 10 months
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Leona's post is here.
Her YT video is here.
Please spread Leona's story, and her evidence, as much as you can. She has a mountain of evidence proving Bethesda/Zenimax a hostile work environment for trans women, and she deserves to be heard and to receive justice for being forced out of her job.
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xangrr · 10 months
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The Dancer - p.1
" Being a sorcerer, a shaman, is much like being a dancer. It is not this fortunate that we are so good at both. Sorcery is a matter of subjugation and mastery - and each step the dancer takes implies such a power it bends the world around their feet. When asked directly, I say that we are a dancer. Nothing more. And I let them figure it out - the meaning of what I call dancing. The meticulous undertones of all the gestures, the patient taming of this fragile mortal body, too tight for us, that we use to reach our quiet purposes. We are a dancer. We do not sing."
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" When I used to perform amongst people (each kind of dance I knew), they gave us many names in return - it was like a need for we said none, we cared more about which word they'll choose than how to reply. At first, many mistook us for a woman - something I never found insulting. Some men would have been harmed by such presomptions, I know it because I have seen it. To me, it is amusing. Lovely, even, and quite charming I'd say. We do not answer. As always, we let them figure it out. We are a dancer. We do not sing. I love how people from the cities build their own myths. It reminds the Child in us about his long-lost ashlands. Legends are always the result of daydreamed fantasies. Each daydreamer we met have their own story to tell. Most of the time, that story tells more about who speaks than anything else. They presume things, create pieces by pieces the image of their own monster - mesmerized and scared at the same time. Fear and subjugation come from the mystery we love to wrap ourself in. A lesson Mephala taught our people, a lesson we learnt as the most important of them all. They want to put a word on us so to understand us. They would baffle in illusions so to finally get the feeling to reach us. Doing so, they expose themselves. But we mean no harm, for we wield no sword. We unsettle them as we speak, it almost never happens. I tend to say: "it is as it is". We do not care anymore. We dance. We do not sing. We are just here, alive, in peace now. The right word to use is the name Sigma-El."
- Undated entry of Xgr's diary (and a little treat for @lokorum)
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xangrr · 10 months
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The False Sun
The mesmerizing warmth of their eyes hides the most hideous of Hunger. It takes many ressources to feed such a fire...
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xangrr · 10 months
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I must thank you for this. @thana-topsy
What make TES so intriguing are the many greyshades it is composed from. To me, things have to be greyshaded, I am not interested in a story where I am the absolute good person, and thinking to be so in a Universe that asks me to kill each and every character in my way without proposing alternatives to apease conflicts more deeply than that makes me wonder.
It is something I have many times dispised in TESO, where I am pretty active as a roleplayer and that is the first TES that have actually introduced me to the lore : when I got to learn more about the Worm Cult, that is the faction in which I roleplay the most, I got frustrated with how much potential is lost in storytelling because of how black and white is needed to be to acheive a brainless gameplay that won't question you in anything. Necromancers ? Bad. Mannimarco ? Bad. Wears black ? Kill. Don't think.
You could have done so much more by just wanting to breath in details of how, of who are those persons.
I will try to get myself clear here bc it is something I see many times in stories, but... Making your characters only black or white makes of them basic narrative tools yes. But a character is way much more than just what role you want it to play in your act, and only wanting it to be a puppet that achieve a certain purpose looks artificial as hell. If you chose to have a bad guy that's bad because you need to give your player a proper goal to reach, you will make it easy to indentify for him if this bad guy belongs to a faction you've qualified first as *bad*. Nice, as a narrator, a game master, congrats, you have made your player do what it was supposed to do, exquisite. Well done.
But how to make that character go from a simple pawn (that are black or white ohoho metaphors..?) to a PERSON you'll remember ? An encounter ? A figure ..?
Give them grey shades or even colours. It is not a way to try to excuse bad behaviors, not a twisted part of adoring criminals and fetishizing them, as many players I have roled with may have told me (bc I play @sigma-el that is quite a....case). It is that the world around you is grey, very very grey, in many many aspects of grey, nothing is the same grey for everyone, and every fictionnal worlds you will describe that has those greyshades will figure to your mind more realistic, more familiar than a chess plate.
TES are meant to be grey, not because violence is adorable but because it is how you approach the best how it works in real life - because everybody has paths, traumas, cultures, history and reasons. Chatacters in a fictional world have those too. Some will be punished, some not, but you will remember them because at some point, when you learnt about the context, you understood how this or that path have been taken instead of another. Those characters thought they were right ! This is what the main Stormcloak/Imperial thing is about ! What the main Ashlanders/Householders is about ! (citing those 2 bc you seem to enjoy them very very well)
There is nothing I dispise more than having to slay entire bandits camps because bandits. I want to know more. I want to have a *personnal* reason, and to have to opportunity to deal with a problem with other solutions than slaughter. Slaughter black pawns does not make of the main character a white pawn either.
Doing so, I am a bit angry after the writing of... Mannimarco, as you said. TESO's first words about him say "Mannimarco, King of Worms, the traitor, the one that killed you" ("votre bourreau" to be more precise, I do not have the exact wording). And never tell you more. Why ? Where does all this maddening obsession for power come from ? We do not know. We will not know. It is the enemy, slay it. We will not give him a single glimpse of diversity and complexity in his treatment. It is as it is, because one wants power and become a God, and because the Gamemaster needs a figure you'll inditify quickly as the antagonist so you will know what to do, where to go next, and it is the only purpose this kind of narrative treatment has. Mannimarco in TESO is written like a pawn.
Okay now let's say, you're a roleplayer or a writer (lots of fics are works of amazing writers, you do not need to be Kirkbride to have an decent opinion of the subject sorry not sorry). Do you know who, too, wants to achieve godhood..? How can you exploit it to make of it more than just a trivia ?
Well. Isn't it the whole Aldmeri shit, achieving back godhood ? So deeply rooted it is absolutely obsessing ? Can't we speculate it is the same obsession that leaded some mers to reject it, idk, Dwemers, idk, Chimers ? Isn't it the same shit that got the Maormer existing too bc at some point Orgnum was qualified as Satakal, or isn't it the fury that makes Altmers of Summerset having to reject their own children, trying to maintain blindly their home as untouched as possible, pushing old Altmers further and further into a maddening spiral of both regret (bc godhood lost), shame and rage to get back to their initial nature ? Many turning crazy because of it (Rilis XII) ?
It does not take a lot of energy to greyish characters and it makes them fascinating. Sometimes, like Mannimarco would need, just context can be added and things... may start to make sens. You do not need much, you do not need answers, as showing or suggesting is more powerful than telling in many many ways.
Sometimes, like Daedras, the lack of context builds an aura. Sometimes, this lack of context is just here because what we show you is a pawn that do not need to be anything more than a pawn. And when it is the case, you have to identify it, and can not blame people trying to make it have sens. It is the main difference between a pure gamedesign purpose and a narrative purpose.
One thing that bothers me about the Elder Scrolls community on Tumblr is their tendency to want to get rid of all the evil lore and characters in the game.
There’s plenty of evil lore like Aylied and Dunmer slavery, the creation of vampires, Pelinal’s genocide, racism against refugees, etc. Plus characters like Arondil, Naris, and Harkon.
The immediate response of a lot of TES fans on Tumblr is that this lore is bad and should be retconned or that the developers are bad for including it.
But if you remove all traces of evil and cruelty from the games, then who is left for a good character to kill and hate? The game would become a psychopath simulator where the only people left to kill are all innocent.
We need evil characters so that wet have people who are satisfying to fight and kill. Without evil characters, good characters would be destined to fight wolves and crabs forever.
We need more evil characters- not less! The more evil characters there are in the game = the more moral the player can be and the more justified our kills are.
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xangrr · 10 months
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werewoof pack commission! © 2023
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xangrr · 10 months
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Hey y'all! With Twitter failing more over time and it being my main income source as a disabled artist I figure I should share my Patreon. I share WIPs for every piece, have a very nice discord community and have monthly sticker tiers with a patron-only sticker every month. Patrons in sticker tiers also get to vote in a monthly poll for a design to be made and see what designs I'll be releasing in the shop later in the month. Regardless I really appreciate everyone who's supported or shared or enjoyed my work over the years, thank you!
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xangrr · 10 months
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Need quick help to find players that I would enjoy to meet
Hi there tesblr !
I need help with forums and such. To explain myself; its been two years that I found out about a guild in ESO called The Worm Cult. This guild had insane roleplay content (i loooved it) that was stored in an enjin forum. This forum closed with enjin, and doing so I never could get in touch with any of those roleplayers!
I can't find them in game and I fear that the amazing content and ideas this forum had in stock has now disappeared. Does any of you know a member of this roleplaying guild? Or how I can find someone? Or if the content is still reachable in a way or an other?
Thank you all who could give me an answer <3
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xangrr · 10 months
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One more character-page for Artfight.
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xangrr · 11 months
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Real quality here! A good good job with details and style, I really enjoy it.
Practise animation with my fan Castuc character yet again ouo/
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xangrr · 11 months
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WIP
The Vampire drank the Sun.
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