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vbecker10 · 2 days

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The Night Nurse (Part 1)

Request:

Pairing: Loki x female reader (Y/N)

Summary: You are the newly appointed night nurse for SHIELD and you couldn't be less excited about it. You have been given the side task of finding out who is stealing supplies from the infirmary. Soon after you start, you learn Loki is the one who has been slipping in at night to patch up his wounds and you confront him about why he can't heal as quickly as Thor. He reveals a dangerous secret he is keeping from the team and you worry increasingly for his safety as the two of you become closer over the next few weeks.

Warning: You asked for angst so I shall give you angst lol but also... some mentions of blood, minor injuries needing stitches, Loki generally feeling alone and isolated, arguing between you and Loki, very brief mentions of Loki's torture, Loki being an ass in the beginning, swearing, a pretty major injury towards the end but no one dies... a romantic ending was requested so of course there will be fluff and cuteness and whatnot it just won't be in part 1 (sorry)

A/N: I really really hope you like this @glitterylokislut! It accidentally got super long and I just went with it so I hope that's okay. Thank you so so so much for sending this request! I love it 💚

You have been given your new assignment by Director Fury and Dr. Palmer and to say you are less than thrilled about it is as understatement. You are officially the first and only night nurse for SHIELD, stationed in the Avenger's Tower. Unfortunately for you, Fury and Dr. Palmer thought you were perfect for the job and it was made clear that there was no room for you to turn down the transfer.

You were doing inventory a few days ago and noticed several discrepancies which you immediately brought to your supervisors attention. The decision had been made to staff the infirmary at all hours and since you discovered the issue, you were tasked with finding out who was stealing the supplies.

So here you are for the sixth night in a row and nothing... not a single patient, thief or otherwise to keep you occupied. Not that you are honestly sure what Fury expected you to do if you caught someone stealing. You aren't an agent and whoever it is has to work for SHIELD since no one else could even access this floor. Very few agents lived full time at the Tower and the ones who are here at night are working. This really only left the members of the Avengers but you can't understand why any of them steal bandages and gauze, it just doesn't make sense.

What is more concerning for you than the specific items being stolen is that whoever it is has been able to avoid the security system. While the infirmary itself has no internal cameras, the cameras in the hall leading to the elevators are all in perfect working order. Fury had the tech support team check and recheck the security system but they couldn't find any glitches or issues. No one had been seen entering or exiting the infirmary on the nights when the inventory went missing.

Maybe the Tower has a ghost, you think to yourself as you finish the inventory checklist yet again. You double check your count and note that nothing is missing. Tossing the clipboard onto your desk, you pull your book out of the top drawer and settle in for what you assume will be another long, uneventful night.

About five minutes later, you hear something coming from the main section of the infirmary and get up from your seat. Holy crap! There's actually a thief, you think as you leave your office quickly.

You stop short when you see Loki rummaging through one of the metal cabinets, one that you know you had locked only minutes ago. "What are you doing?" you ask him. How the hell did he get in here? you wonder. You hadn't heard the door open.

The tall prince looks up a bit startled by your sudden appearance but he doesn't respond.

"I'm not allowed to let you take supplies," you tell him, trying to keep your voice from shaking. You hadn't been prepared to confront a god, you had hoped it was some young agent who didn't know the rules or an older one who was too cheap to buy band-aids.

He curses under his breath in what you assume is Asgardian and slams the cabinet closed. He glares at you and turns to leave.

"Wait, do you need help?" you ask noticing the items in his hand are for stitching a wound and there is a hastily wrapped bandage on his left forearm.

"No," he answers in a harsh tone.

You put your hand on your hips and say, "You can let me help you or you can leave. If you leave, you can't take the supplies. I'll have to report this as theft of SHIELD property to Director Fury."

"Fine," he grumbles and walks towards you slowly. You point him towards an exam table and roll over a stool then you take the items he gathered, setting them out on a tray next to you. He watches you intently while you work, you aren't sure if he is trying to make you uncomfortable but it is clear he doesn't trust you.

How the hell did he cut himself like this? you ask yourself as you open all the tools you will need. And what is he doing here anyways? He has accelerated healing, the same as his brother. He shouldn't be bleeding this-

"Thor is not my brother," he corrects you. "And the manner in which I was injured is none of your concern, mortal."

You sit back and look at him angrily, "Get out of my mind. You know you aren't allowed to use your telepathy on SHIELD employees." He shrugs at your outburst but sits quietly while you finish closing his wound.

"Done," you say when you add a bandage over the closure. You snap off your gloves and push your stool away from him. You can't imagine he will thank you for your assistance so you add, "You're welcome, now get out. I have to clean up."

You turn away to pick something up and suddenly feel as if you are alone. When you look back towards the exam table, he is gone. You shake your head in confusion and walk over to open the infirmary door, the hinges creak loudly as it swings open and closed.

A few days later you are completing the last of your paperwork just as someone knocks on your office door. You gasp in surprise and nearly drop your coffee, looking up to see Loki standing in your doorway. He is holding his right bicep and lowers his gaze to the ground in front of him to avoid eye contact with you. His demeanor is completely different then the last time he was here.

"Would you help me?" he asks almost as if he expects you to say no.

You sigh and nod, "Of course, it's literally my job... even if the person who needs my help is an ungrateful ass."

He flinches at your harsh tone and says, "I am sorry I was unkind to you last time I was here."

"You were a jerk," you tell him flatly, crossing your arms over your chest as you lean back in your chair.

"I was," he says to your surprise. "I apologize for my behavior, it was uncalled for."

"Accepted," you say, not wanting to waste anymore time since you could now see blood begin to seep through his fingers.

He sits on the exam table you motion towards and begins to unbutton his dress shirt. You turn towards the cabinet to grab the things you need and when you look back you are struck by how annoyingly hot he is. You quickly remember that he can and will read your mind so you try to push the thoughts away but you are not fast enough. Loki looks down as he folds his shirt and places it next to him, the corner of his lip curling into a smile.

"Okay," you clear your throat. "Let's see what you did this time." He moves his hand and you see the long gash on his bicep. "Wow, you did a pretty good job on this."

"Yes, I thought the bleeding had stopped but it began again so I thought I should come here" he says.

"Good thing you did. It's going to need a lot of stiches, more than last time," you inform him. "Do you want anything for the pain?" you ask when to get up to grab a few more things from the cabinet.

"It doesn't hurt," he shakes his head.

"Really?" you ask, not sure if you believe him but you don't press the issue.

You sit close to him on your stool and begin to work on his arm quietly. Loki doesn't make a single sound or move an inch while you clean and stitch his wound. You reach for the tray to grab something and realize he is watching you again but this time he's studying you and not your work.

"So what happened?" you ask him. You are fairly certain he wasn't sent on a mission this week.

"Training with Thor," he says simply.

You nod, sensing that he won't give any more details even if you continue to ask him questions. You glance over at his right forearm and pause mid-stitch when you don't see the injury you treated last time.

"It healed," he answers before you can ask what happened.

"Stop reading my mind," you tell him and go back to what you were doing. He doesn't respond and you assume that means he doesn't intend to listen to you. You decide to search your mind for a song that can easily get stuck in a person's head, hoping that if he does go sifting through your thoughts he will at least be annoyed. It might be childish, but it's the best solution you can think of at the moment.

You look up at him when you are finished, sitting back on your stool you say, "I know the other day wasn't the first time you snuck in here." He tightens his jaw and gets up from the table, buttoning his shirt without saying a word.

"Are you the one who's been stealing supplies?" you ask him even though you know he is. He ignores your question but you don't think it is because he is being rude like last time. He almost seems distressed that you know his secret so you add, "I didn't tell anyone it was you."

"I know you didn't," he finally responds. "I assumed Fury would have spoken to me if you had." He is silent for a moment than he says, "Thank you," before turning to leave the exam room.

"Wait," you follow after him. "I can't keep hiding this from Dr. Palmer and Director Fury. They are going to want to know who was taking the supplies."

He turns to face you, "Why didn't you tell them it was me?" His curiosity seems genuine, as if he fully expected you to turn him in the first time you saw him here.

"I'm not sure," you shrug. "I guess I wanted to talk to you about why first you were doing it but then you pissed me off and I just wanted you out of here as soon as possible."

He nods, "Again, I apologize for how I spoke to you. I was not expecting anyone to be here but that is not an excuse."

You are stunned by the second apology and the abrupt change in his attitude since last time. Maybe I'll have a better chance of finding out why he is clearly not healing well now.

"I would rather not discuss that tonight," he says as he walks away from you and you know he read your mind again.

"Loki, I can't pretend I don't know it's you for much longer. Fury is going to want to know why the supplies are missing. It's the whole reason I'm here this late," you tell him.

He puts his hand on the door to leave and looks back at you, "I know you do not owe me this but please, do not tell anyone... at least not yet."

You sigh, "Fine, but this is the last time."

He nods and you watch in awe as he simply vanishes from sight. So that's how he gets passed all the cameras, he can just disappear?

It's been a week since you've seen Loki and after the fourth day you had decided he wasn't going to come back. You hope you will be able to finish out the next few weeks without any additional discrepancies in the inventory and things would go back to normal. Just as you are about to open your book, you hear him call your name and you roll your eyes. Of course he's back, nothing ever works out simply for me.

You walk out of your office to meet him, expecting to find the God of Being Annoying and Evasive needing a handful stitches like he has the last two times he visited but he appears fine. "Hi again," you greet him with the least excited tone you can manage.

He grimaces and takes a few steps towards you but falls, grabbing his side tightly as he collapses onto one knee. You move quickly to grab him but don't see anything wrong until he moves his hand and his illusion flickers. There's blood on his hand but it vanishes then appears again when his magic gives out. His shirt is covered in blood and you hold onto him, helping ease him to the floor.

"What the hell happened?" you ask trying not to panic. You remember your training and move his shirt to the side so you can see the injury clearer. He flinches when you press his hand on the open wound and tell him to keep it there. "Shit," you mumble a curse then get up to grab everything you need.

You kneel next to him and take care of his wound as quickly and cleanly as possible, stitching the long, deep cut closed. Thankfully it wasn't any deeper or you might have needed to call for help, the wound was too close to his lung to not be taken seriously. When you finish you help him sit up slowly and he uses his magic to clean the blood off his clothing.

"You need to stay here and rest," you urge but he shakes his head no.

"It will heal," he says and he tries to get up. You help him so he doesn't hurt himself further but you keep your hands on his arm. "Thank you," he tells you then takes a step away from you but you don't let go.

"Stop," you get his attention. "You can't leave, this wasn't just some little cut. You were stabbed really close to your lung. This isn't okay Loki, you're not fine."

He takes a deep breath as if to prove his lungs are clear and says, "I appreciate your concern, Y/N, I truly do but I need to deal with this on my own."

"No you don't," you argue. "Just tell me what's wrong, maybe I can help."

He shakes his head, "You are an excellent healer but this is beyond you."

"I don't get it, why are you getting so badly hurt. I thought you had accelerated healing abilities like you bro- like Thor," you correct yourself before he has the chance.

He gently rests his hand over the wound on his side and tries to reassure you. "I will heal, it just takes a bit longer than it used to. Thank you once again for your help Y/N," he says before he vanishes.

Three nights later, you are sitting at your desk looking down at your tablet while you drink your second cup of coffee. You've clicked on Loki's file but haven't opened it yet, your fingers drumming on the desk rhythmically as you think. You have treated him several times now so it isn't a violation of his privacy to view his chart but for some reason it feels like it is. You sigh and open his file, maybe whatever he is hiding from me is in here.

You intend to skim his chart then log his recent visits like you should have been doing but you pause completely confused. His file is almost blank, his name and general information has been filled out but there is not a single visit to the infirmary listed. How is that possible? He must have been able to heal at one point but he doesn't seem to be able to anymore.

You exit his file without adding anything, determined to talk to him the next time you see him. You only need to wait fifteen minutes before he knocks softly on your office door.

"Loki, are you okay?" you ask, your voice has more concern than you meant.

He nods and holds out his hand when you walk towards him, "It is only a small wound tonight."

You look closely at the back of his hand and agree, he will only need a butterfly bandage or two and some gauze. You hold his wrist gently and lead him into one of the exam rooms. Loki sits on the table and you roll your stool close to him with your tray of supplies next to you.

"What happened?" you ask, reaching for the tape and he hands it to you, "Thanks."

"A training accident," he says and you nod, unsurprised.

"I need to log this into your file," you say as you throw out the garbage. "The other injuries too," you add.

"I would rather you didn't," he says.

"I know but I need to, it's proper procedure. I could get in trouble if I don't," you explain. "I could lose my job."

He sighs and remains seated on the table. You sit on the stool again and move closer to him. "I'm sorry, I never meant to cause you trouble," he says.

"You're a nurse," he says, but his tone isn't condescending like it is when some people call you a nurse, it is as if he is simply clarifying a fact.

"Well... maybe if you tell me what's going on, I can keep it out of the record," you suggest. He looks up at you as you can tell he is thinking about your suggestion. "I can't tell anyone what we talk about, if that's what you're worried about, doctor - patient privilege and all," you explain with a smile.

"Yeah... it's the same concept," you sigh. "Loki, you can trust me. I don't want to see you keep getting hurt like this," you tell him honestly, touching his hand lightly and he looks into your eyes.

You aren't sure if he is reading your mind or not but finally he says, "You must promise me, no one will know what I am going to tell you."

"I swear," you agree.

Loki shifts uncomfortably on the lightly padded table and looks down at your hand over his. He sighs deeply then says, "I cannot heal the same way Thor does, I have never been able to."

"What!?" you ask unable to hide your shock. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that but... I don't understand."

He says, "Accelerated healing is an Asgardian trait and I am not a full Asgardian, I am half frost giant. When I was a child, I thought I healed slowly simply because I was smaller and weaker than Thor but now my lack of abilities makes sense."

"But how did you hide it all this time?" you ask. "Someone must have noticed you were always getting hurt."

"And no one knows, not even your brother?" you ask in disbelief.

"My mother helped me," he explains. "She taught me to use my magic to create illusions to hide my injuries and dull my pain. When I was alone, I would use my spells and potions to heal myself."

"Not even Thor," he shakes his head.

"But wait... so this was obviously working fine for the last thousand or so years, why isn't it working now?" you ask confused.

"There is something wrong with my magic," he tells you and your heart sinks. "It has been fading since I was taken by the Mind Stone."

I hope you liked this!! Please like, share and comment if you did 💚💚 Please let me know if you want to be added to my taglist!

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 14 hours

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Regarding your hypothetical DC Pride issue where the Riddler turns good in an attempt to woo Bruce Wayne: Does he have a chance here? Like, do you think Bruce could be swayed by this? Or is this pure Batman mode "well it's keeping him from committing crimes so far and might give me some hints for upcoming schemes if he does do them"? Please. I am invested in this now.

I think it would be silly to pretend there isn't a tiny part of Bruce's brain that is amenable to having sex with people that he's morally opposed to in theory; that's just a factually true thing about him.

but in this case it's like... it's a low chance. as numbers games go, the numbers are not in the Riddler's favor. the possibility that there might be an actual attraction developing isn't even on Bruce's mind; to him this is like 100% stone cold pragmatism. he has an angle to emotionally extort good behavior out of the Eddie and get close enough to keep an eye on him as Bruce Wayne in a way that's MUCH easier and more informative than Batman's usual surveillance methods, so of course he's going to leverage that. hell, letting the good people of Gotham think that Bruce Wayne is dumb enough to be wiped by the Riddler is honestly great for his cover image. (Lucius Fox is unavailable for comment; he's busy having a panic attack while he plans an intervention.)

plus I think Bruce would assume that Eddie also has ulterior motives and isn't Actually just trying to date Bruce Wayne; there has to be a scheme here. it's part of a riddle, he needs access to something. or is it? I don't know. Bruce certainly doesn't know. there's like five layers of mindgames happening here and regrettably I do think that actually counts as sex for the Riddler, so he sort of wins either way. but does he?

DC jesus christ let me write for Black Label, I have ideas and I know what the gay freaks wants (it's me I'm gay freaks)

#edward riddlehands #batblogging

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creature-wizard · 1 day

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The importance of separating belief from practice from economy when criticizing spirituality

I notice that a lot of people who want to criticize harmful expressions of spirituality often conflate the beliefs and practices of those spiritualities together, rather than separating them and asking themselves which one is harmful exactly, and why.

Sometimes, both practice and belief are harmful. For example, going on a highly restrictive detox diet because it will supposedly rid your body of toxins put into regular food by an evil conspiracy. There's no evidence that detox diets actually work as claimed (and if they seem to, it may be that you actually have a food allergy or intolerance, and you feel better because you happen to be cutting out that food for awhile), and they can actually be very harmful. Meanwhile, this sort of conspiratorial worldview has roots in old antisemitic conspiracy theories used to justify violence against Jews in the past, and today, justify queerphobia and ableism by way of suggesting that an evil conspiracy is putting chemicals in our food and water that turn kids gay, transgender, or give them ADHD, autism, or whathveyou.

But other times, it's not quite so simple. For example, let's look at modes of faith healing that hold that you should eschew evidence-based medicine in favor of praying and getting right with God. Meanwhile, studies show that people who rely on faith healing don't exactly have a great recovery rate. Many children have died from treatable diseases because their parents were taught that sickness was a test of faith and God would damn them for seeking conventional medicine. (Can you even imagine how terrified of eternal damnation you'd have to be in order to watch your own child die in agony?)

If we look at most people who believe in prayer, we can see that most of them don't agree with this extreme position. Most people believe in prayer and evidence-based medicine. If anything, prayer gives many people a way to feel like they aren't just sitting around doing nothing while their loved ones are in the hospital, and that itself is arguably beneficial.

Now, if you personally have trauma connected to prayer, or just don't find any meaning or satisfaction in prayer, then it's fine if you don't want to do it. But that doesn't mean it's appropriate to tell everyone else that they shouldn't do it. When you do this, you're just using your own personal feelings as a moral compass, and as we know from observing the "thinking about gay sex grosses me out, therefore it's unnatural and against God's will" crowd, that's no way to go.

So how about beliefs and practices used to extort people? For example, energy healing services often come with steep price tags. But let's be real, so does evidence-based medicine in places like the US. This clearly does not mean people should just stop seeking evidence-based medicine. It does means that we drastically need to change the system, so healthcare is more accessible. Additionally, if there's one thing I've learned from researching alternative medicine, it's that practitioners are more likely to actually offer something for patients' complains, rather than telling them that it's all in their heads or that they need to lose weight. This doesn't mean that an exploitative alternative industry should be allowed to exist, of course. But it does mean that we need to understand how prejudice among doctors fuels it. Moreover, I think we can agree that someone who watches energy healing videos on free YouTube after they've done all they can from an evidence-based medicine standpoint, or offers free energy healing sessions to friends who are in the same boat, are not in the same category as scam victims and scammers.

So yeah, when you're out there criticizing harmful forms of spirituality and religion, remember to separate practice from belief from economy and examine each one separately and in terms of how they connect to each other and to larger issues, rather than putting it all on blast together.

#religion #spirituality #critical thinking #diet mention #child death mention #antisemitism #conspiracy theories #ableism #witchblr #paganblr

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teamsasukes · 1 year

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people rightly criticize how team 7 reacted to sasuke's pursuit of justice for his clan, but one thing i feel is always overlooked in these discussions is how sakura literally is not granted the option by the narrative to learn about what sasuke has been through — not in the way that naruto, kakashi, or even team taka are. throughout all of part 2, she is operating under the assumption that sasuke killed itachi and then turned on the village for no apparent reason.

in part 1, she offers to help sasuke with his plan to kill itachi and even says she'll come with him so he won't have to handle a clearly dangerous and unstable sannin alone. she tells him she wishes he would be more open with her because she wants to understand what he's going through. (all of this stands in stark contrast to naruto, who says he'll break every bone in sasuke's body to bring him back, or kakashi, who projects his own traumas on to sasuke.) then in part 2, she can't bring herself to hurt him despite ample opportunity and even though (as far as she knows) he's become a violent criminal. throughout the series, she's averse to inflicting harm on others (aside from the punching naruto gag). is it really so unreasonable to imagine that if she knew sasuke was avenging the state-sponsored genocide of his clan, she would respond differently? with more empathy and compassion for his circumstances, and anger of her own towards konoha?

#people never factor this into their sakura discussions and it does upset me #like no offence but no one raised in konoha is going to have a political awakening where they realize how awful the system is #without some major catalyst (ie what happened to sasuke's clan) and she never gains access to that information #it's also been pointed out that her speech to him at tvote2 is really stupid and like. i agree #but if all she knows about the situation is from naruto and kakashi @ sasuke saying he's given into hate or whatever #of course that is going to be her response? like what else would she even say. she doesn't know what's going on LMAO😭#don't get me wrong i think in canon (pt1-2) their relationship has a whole body of issues but a bunch of them are intrinsically tied to thi #uchiha sasuke #haruno sakura #sasusaku #this is not really a shipping post but that's my tag for their relationship in any form sorryyy #naruto meta

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sga-owns-my-soul · 5 months

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as someone who has been misdiagnosed at best and fully ignored and not believed at worst about my health issues, it's really frustrating when people tell me i don't really have something unless a doctor has diagnosed me. doctors don't believe i have any issues to begin with, why are they supposed to be trusted over me?? like i get they have degrees but idiots get degrees literally all the time. idk it's just really frustrating when i tell people i have food sensitives and they don't believe me unless i can procure an allergy test. i tell people i have chronic pain and unless a doctor told me that, it doesn't count. i'm not allowed to identify as autistic until a doctor tells me i can. like i get looking something up once isn't the same as a medical degree but idk can we maybe just. stop pretending doctors are the only ones capable of telling what's wrong with someone? can we maybe trust that sometimes people do actually know what's going on with their body and their health?

#and there's also the whole thing about like #insane amount of ableism in health care #i can keep a full time job so clearly i don't have any health issues #my anxiety isn't debilitating bc i can deal with it most days (ignoring the days i can't breathe and i get severe chest pain)#my back pain doesn't prevent me from moving so it's not real (ignoring the times it does stop me from moving bc it's so bad)#i can still sometimes eat food and i'm not Eating Wrong so i don't actually have digestive issues #like i'm just. i'm so tired #i don't even bother going to doctors anymore #bc it just gives me anxiety and stress and they never help #i've seen so many and they all just brush me off #i just. i'm so sick of this #can we stop needing access to a whole history of medical records to believe people have health issues #can we just. not be assholes #please #im so tired #chronic illness #not stargate

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suncaptor · 27 days

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the covid vaccine really destroyed any last chance at a life I could have ever had huh.

#i really think i could have made academia work if it were just the psychological issues I was coping with #granted the main problem is i keep getting sicker and sicker due to the constant trauma and lack of living security #but until the vaccine i was fucking. making it work. but when my physical body gave up on me too it's just too much now #i could have probably have even found a way of compensating out the severe trauma from last year but my body just. doesn't work.#it's really really devastating #and i can see now it's not something that can be fixed #i can't be fixed #but like I can't keep living like this. i just i really can't. but i can't do anything that's required to survive. i'm not physically #capable. and I understand now that it's not something I'm ever going to heal from #and maybe i could get better enough to live a life worth living but that would only be if I had access to security and resources I do not #and will not have.#the thing is everyone always wanted me gone and society fucking does too i'm just a fuckign cockroach #but sometihng has to change. and if there was a way to fix it i would have by now. i would have.#delete #vent #tw suicidality

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straydogged · 7 months

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:( it figures, I finally got my shoulder back in place with the help of a supportive pillow and a heat pack to make the muscles relax, and now it feels like it might be slipping out again because I am no longer holding myself up by a pillow.

#the state of my shoulders is. every time I think too much about it I get stressed #idk how I'm gonna wear a backpack for school hahah #maybe I need to look into a shoulder brace or something. kinesthetic tape doesn't mix well with my skin; I've tried it and it's not worth i #I wish I had a doctor holy shit!!!!!#idk how I'm supposed to get one when the organization that is SUPPOSED to match people to doctors straight up told me #that I would have to go to multiple walkins with the same issue in order to be fastracked to have a proper doctor #guys. I have a complex multisystemic genetic condition that requires a joint effort by multiple specialist to properly manage.#which. by the way. it has not been. I have recieved zero support from my doctor who I saw when I lived in [redacted]#even after I was diagnosed! and she fought the diagnosis so hard and gaslit me constantly only for the geneticist to tell me that he was #without a doubt certain that I have hEDS. it took SIX YEARS to get off the waitlist for him.#sorry I'm getting off topic #I just. I need a lot more medical support than I can access and it scares me and makes me want to cry #I don't know how to manage or recognize when something is wrong with my body because of the gaslighting and the medical neglect #and the thinking my body was completely normal so never really questioning symptoms #:(#I need to stop before I make myself even more upset

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l-e-g-i-o-n-losh · 1 year

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Why are dc and marvel making it so dang difficult to pay them money

#trying to sort an issue w that subscription dads getting for bday #marvel doesn't actually have any step in the purchase process to INPUT a promo code #and dc wont even let me SEE the purchase PAGE guys cmon 7 day trial is cool & all but im trying to access the Actual Product You Sell.#i just want to binge some ock & doom whys this so complicated #songs that the hyades shall sing

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knife-at-a-knife-fight · 2 years

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you’re in my DMs. I’m being ignored by accessibility while five different people in the past month have suggested i talk to accessibility (each suggesting it for a different reason)

we are not the same.

#they really stick HARD to the 'DOCUMENTED disabilities' thing #everyone else always says they're there to help with accessibility needs for people who need it #none of them seem to get that it's not 'people who need it'#it's people who can get enough doctors to sign off on it #and historically #i'm not a person who is great at receiving medical care #i had a doctor bandage a laceration with 80% clear tape straight on my skin #i had one who told me the results of a scan and simply said 'it's nothing' when we both agreed that we could feel SOMETHING there #there was the ten month long sore throat of 2018 that i was twice told wasn't strep #they didn't test for anything else #my doctor's office was closed the day i really needed to know if i was up to date on tetanus #practitioners' incompetence doesn't diminish the extent of my issues #it just renders me ineligible for accommodations #and if they are completely useless for basic physical health concerns #what's the point in trying to address things that wouldn't show up on a scan?#if we can't agree on whether or not the lump that we feel exists #then how the hell am i supposed to convince them to do an MRI for an issue they'd LOVE to call hysteria if that was still allowed #and that's not even touching on the affective disorders #or the sensory based ailments #mine

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mordcore · 2 years

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Why white people don't like to talk about race: A Theory.

definition of "racialization" for the sake of this thread: for me what it means when a person gets "racialized" is that they are being put in a box labelled with whatever race people decide to assign them from the outside and kind of objectified/reduced to that label. i'd also argue that there are different degrees of this experience.

being racialized fucking sucks. if you're a person of color, i don't think you need me to tell you.

but most of us white folks probably don't experience it a lot. being confronted with the fact that i am white; based on my skin color which is: innate, out of my control, undeniable and immediately obvious to everyone who can see me; that is uncomfortable! even more so if it comes with being put in a box/assigned the label from the outside, and all the assumptions that might carry. i'm not sure if i understand the topic of white guilt very well, i believe it has something to do with the awareness that our ancestors or even just people in our "box"/racial category have done or are doing awful racist things, and with feeling guilty about it, but obviously incapable of changing other peoples past actions, which creates a conflict -- me personally? i refuse to feel guilty for things i had no part in. or i try to at least. but it is a sore spot and accusations of being guilty for being white hurt, and sometimes i also misinterpret things to be accusations when they are only pointing out this conflict to me.

this conflict is likely a part of the discomfort associated with being in the "white" category. now i know most white people don't get confronted with racialization very much, and maybe that is why so many of us struggle to act normal when we do. i also don't know how accurate my theories are and how much i can generalize my observations about myself, because of my specific trauma about the topic. idk if other white folks feel the same as i or the same level of it. but i think we could benefit from observing without judgement, in ourselves, how it feels to be categorized as white from the outside. do i have a knee-jerk reaction to it? what is my first impulse when this happens? am i trying to push any feelings away? which ones? why? is there an inner conflict?

for example, i feel a conflict between my need to be/believe that i am a good not-racist person, and my feelings of discomfort about the topic, that i try to push down because i feel like it doesn't fit who i'm supposed to be, therefore inadvertently deflecting whenever someone is trying to have a productive conversation. or out of fear of doing that, i fall into the fawn trauma response and feel like everything i'm doing is wrong, and like feeling like that is also wrong, and there goes the spiral.

i believe that most of us white people would benefit if we ask ourselves these questions, and our friends and loved ones of color might also benefit if we do, as well as antiracist activism in general.

#damn that was a tough nut to crack #to access and understand these feelings in myself i mean #ive been struggling with this topic for years and oh yeah i had to work through some trauma first to be able to even get here #despite what my fawn response is trying to tell me i think this is a good thing to have written and that i will not be punished if i pub #lish it #and despite it being 2 am i wrote something that seems coherent! whoa!#i actually typed into a text editor for 2 hours until i had sorted my thoughts and worded the point i was trying to make #and then i pasted together the relevant paragraphs #adhd hack discovered!#i've also decided not to disclose the 'specific trauma about the topic'#because i realized i feel the need to prove.. something?#basically it's an impulse that doesn't seem productive to the point i'm trying to make so i left it out #it was interesting to type it out though cause ive never. done that before. to see it all in one place is weirdly cathartic.#uhm ANYWAY #my stuff #white guilt #white fragility #btw i believe that mocking these feelings is counterproductive to solving these issues #i know it did set me back!#target audience: white people who want to do better and dont know how. secondarily; anyone who is interested in the topic

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