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shsy7573 · 10 months

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A Voltron Fanfiction by shsy7573 a langst addict

Description: As torturous as a war with the Galra is, it’s nothing compared to the constant mockery from inside Lance’s mind. When the team partakes in a training exercise designed to help them confront their insecurities, and grow closer as a team, Lance knows he’s screwed. No way they’ll want him around once they see how pathetic he really is. Will our favourite Blue Paladin be able to hide his misery, from the team, or will he break, and reveal to the team just how much he hates himself?

Info: Langst. Hurt/comfort. Original Paladins. Tbh this is probably one of my weaker fics. It’s not really descriptive. Mainly just focused on the feelings. Nonetheless, I’ve always enjoyed rereading it because of the concept.

Relationships: Klance, but it’s mild. Barely there.

Note: Tumblr kinda jacked up the formatting. I seriously need to get myself an AO3 account, but writing for that site intimidates me for whatever reason.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lance scanned the battlefield, his heart pumping rapidly as the supposedly easygoing mission went off the rails. They had planned to take over a small, low activity Galra base to try and find more information on what Zarkon and his people were planning. Unfortunately, this “low activity” base ended up being extremely more well defended than they’d thought.

There were Galra ships everywhere, spread out across the sky like a giant beehive. The Paladins were swamped, and the Castle of Lions had been forced to draw back for risk of colossal damage. With all the chaos, there was no opportunity to converge and form Voltron. Each Paladin was, for the most part, on their own.

And Lance was drowning.

He veered swiftly to the left as a Galra ship charged him from behind. Kieth flew by at the exact same time, and if it had been anyone other than The Red Paladin, there would have been a collision. Kieth banked up, and Lance just had time to shoot a laser at the ship tailing him before he and his lion ran face first into the debris.

“Watch it, Lance!” Kieth spat, and Lance cringed.

“Sorry!” He yelled.

There wasn’t enough time to dwell on it though, because the ship that had been on Lance had recovered from the Blue Paladin’s change in course, and was shooting at him again.

Lance groaned, trying to dodge around the lasers, taking one or two hits to the back. He yelled, his heart jumping as another squadron of battleships came at him from the front. Reacting fast, he sent Blue into a barrel roll, hoping the Galra ships would collide.

Fortunately, they did. Unfortunately, so did he and Pidge. The Green Lion, who apparently had been chasing the Galra ships, met the Blue Lion head on, both going at full speed and sending the Paladins into a tailspin.

“Lance, what the hell?!” Pidge yelled as they both regained control.

Lance chastised himself inwardly.

“Sorry Pidge!”

His mind was screaming at him. Way to go, fuck up!

“Lance! Look out!”

He looked up to see a Galra ship as it powered up a blaster. With how close it was, he should have already seen it.

Shiro flew by in the Black Lion, slicing through the ship with his jaw blade and putting it out of commission.

“Lance! You need to pay attention!”

“Sorry!” He said for probably the 10th time since the start of the battle.

What is wrong with you? Get your head in the game! You can’t even-

His thoughts were interrupted as he was once again forced to bank out of the way of a Galra ship. Sadly, he was too slow to react, and as he swerved upwards a beam of purple light collided with Blue’s underbelly. Lance screamed as he was jostled around in his seat, trying to regain control as another beam hit him on his left.

So now you can’t even fly? What are you doing?! I thought Paladins were supposed to be expert pilots!

“Lance!” Someone yelled as he tried and failed to gain control of Blue. More and more Galra ships getting hits in on his Lion.

Useless piece of shit! They all know it!

“Lance, control yourself!”

“Someone needs to help him!”

“There’s too many of them!”

“Fall back!”

Before he knew it, Hunk and his lion had grabbed hold of Blue and were pulling Lance out of the battlefield. The others joined up with them, and Lance felt tears welling up in his eyes.

As the Galra fleet fell away from view, Lance was able to retake control of his lion. Hunk let go, and they made their way back to the castle. Mission failed.

“Lance, what was going on out there?” Kieth asked, ever the hothead. Lance didn’t reply, only lifting his gloved hand to whisk away his tears. His mind was screaming at him.

You can’t fly for shit, that’s what! You think they’re gonna want you around after that debacle? I’m surprised it took you this long royally fuck. They’re gonna see it now! You’re not fit to be a Paladin!

—

They arrived back at the Castle of Lions, and for a couple minutes all Lance could do was pull off his helmet and just… sit there. Unable to bear the looks of utter disappointment on his teammates' faces. Unable to face the resentment.

Then he heard Shiro’s voice over the coms.

“Post-mission briefing on the bridge.”

Lance sighed, and finally forced himself out of Blue’s seat. He dragged himself to the control room, trying to stay as far back and out of sight as possible.

Shiro began speaking, but Lance could hardly hear him over the scrutiny going on in his own brain.

You don’t belong here! You know it. They know it. They’d be better off without you.

“Guys, this can’t happen again. We cannot lose our heads in a time of crisis. If we’re going to win against the Galra, we need to work harder. Not just individually, but as a team. We were completely divided out there, and we kept getting in each other’s way.”

Lance looked down, mainly me. He was certain that’s what everyone was thinking. He bit his lip, trying his damndest not to cry.

“We’ve been focusing on training our bodies, but I think we’ve been neglecting to focus on the most important part of Voltron: our minds. Our connection to ourselves, our lions and to each other is what powers Voltron, farther than any of our individual skills.”

Like anyone would want to connect with you. You’re the problem, you always have been. They’ll turn on you one day, and you’ll deserve it. Maybe you should just speed up the process. Get out of their lives before they come to hate you on their own. But you won’t, you’re too weak. Too cowardly to face the reality of that decision. Too selfish to give up your friendships for the universe.

“Lance!” A voice cut through the noise. Lance looked up to see Shiro staring at him.

“Are you even listening?”

They hate you.

“I, uh- yeah.” He could feel his skin crawling at all the eyes on him.

“Then what did I say?”

“Voltron is powered by our minds, or something.” It was the last thing he remembered.

The irritated muttering around the room caused him to assume he’d guessed wrong.

“Lance, I need you to be paying attention when I’m talking.”

Lance sighed, looking back down at his feet, “sorry.”

Had he been looking up, he’d have seen the slight edge of concern in The Black Paladin’s gaze before he continued. “Anyways… what I was saying is that tomorrow afternoon we’ll meet on the training deck to go through some mental team building exercises. I’m sure Coran has a few ideas.”

Lance nodded, but kept his gaze trained on the ground.

You’ll probably fuck it up, like you do everything.

“That I do. Don’t you worry Shiro, I’ll get it sorted.”

Lance looked up just enough to see Shiro nod. “In that case, you’re all dismissed.”

Lance turned, and headed out of the control room. His mind swimming with self ridicule. He could feel the tears threatening to fill his eyes. The days’ failures replaying over and over again in his mind.

Idiot. Useless. Screw up everything.

Suddenly, he felt a hand grab him by the arm, pulling him back slightly and forcing him to stop.

“Lance, wait.”

The Blue Paladin looked up to see Shiro gazing at him curiously.

“Is… everything alright?”

No. Lance forced a grin, “of course! Why wouldn't it be?”

“I just… you seem… distracted.”

Lance shook his head, forcing his smile to become even brighter. “I’m fine. I promise. See you in training tomorrow!”

He pulled his arm free, and began to walk (a little too quickly) to his room.

As soon as the door closed, he collapsed on the ground. Tears spilled out of his eyes. What was he doing here? He was no Paladin? He had no place here. Nobody here wanted him around, he was just their only option. If they had anyone else to fly Blue, they’d take them in an instant. Anyone would be better than you!

“Fucking useless,” he whimpered to himself, burying his head in his knees.

“All I do is mess things up.”

“I’m an idiot.”

“No one wants me around.”

“I’m…”

He trailed off, his throat closing up as he voiced his darkest thoughts to the empty room. Sobs racked his body. He sat there, back pressed against the door, letting tears spill down his face. Crying at the truth of it all. That he was the problem, he was the weak link. All he brought to the team was bad jokes and annoyance.

He had no special skills.

No special purpose.

He was nothing special.

He was just nothing.

—

The next day, Lance woke up as he usually did. Early. With a skip in his step, a smile on his face, and a silent prayer that today wouldn’t be the day that the mask slipped. That today wouldn’t be the day they saw how useless he really was.

He went to breakfast with the team. Pidge was still a little irritated at him for running into her. Kieth was broody, as usual. Hunk and Coran were happy. Shiro and Allura were focused.

Lance, as usual, was cracking jokes to try and lighten the mood. To try and drown out the voice in his head. To try and fein cheerfulness.

And the others, as usual, we’re not having any of it.

“Lance, can you shut up for five minutes so that we can eat in peace?!” Pidge snapped. “I swear it’s like you’re trying to piss me off.”

Lance smiled brighter on the outside, but on the inside, his mind screamed.

“Aw, did the Pigeon wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” He teased, and she grumbled, turning away.

He saw Keith roll his eyes, and heard him muttering under his breath.

You can’t let up can you? If you’re not royally screwing up a mission, you’re annoying the shit out of everyone.

But he would rather annoy them into not paying attention than allow them to see how worthless he was.

Selfish? Probably. But, he couldn’t help it.

Besides, if Pidge was angry he’d rather she take it out on him than the rest of the team. Unlike the rest of them, he deserved it.

—

And then the afternoon rolled around. Lance headed for the training deck, something akin to apprehension churning in his gut.

Come on Lance, afraid of a training session? A Paladin should be better than that.

He steeled himself, and entered the training deck.

Everyone else was already there. Lance couldn’t help chastising himself for that. Even though he wasn’t late, he was last. He’d kept them waiting.

“Has Coran said what we’re doing yet?” He asked, banishing the thoughts aside. If today was meant to train his mind, to connect them, he had to keep his negativity as far away as possible.

They all shook their heads as he reached the group.

“No, I haven’t even seen him since this morning,” Pidge said. Lance was glad to see that she seemed less aggressive now. Maybe a bit of time to wake up had calmed her temper at his previous fuck-upery.

Not that she’d be wrong to still be pissed.

Lance smiled wider.

Just then, Coran entered the room, holding a mass of technology in his arms.

“I’m here! I’m here! Sorry, I’d hoped to have this all set up before you arrived but—“

“It’s okay, Coran. We’re not in a rush.” Shiro assured.

Hunk smiled and walked over, “need some help?”

Pidge joined her friend as Coran nodded and they began setting up, the Altean telling Pidge and Hunk how to hook everything up.

Why didn’t you offer to help? Useless.

But then his own mind fired back.

You’re too stupid to help with something like this. It’s too complicated.

Lance resisted the urge to wince, refusing to let his expressions betray his inner rebuke. So far he wasn’t doing a very great job at keeping negativity out of training.

Then again, you never could do anything right.

He was grateful as Hunk, Pidge and Coran finished setting up. It meant he’d have something else to focus on.

His dreams of distraction were crushed as Coran began to explain the exercise.

“Today's exercise will be all about overcoming your mental barriers. In combat, you need to be completely open with each other, and having blockades and hidden insecurities can distract you from working as a cohesive whole. Today, the team will be given the chance to travel into each Paladin’s mindscape. Not actually, of course, mind travel is very dangerous and can more often than not lead to disastrous consequences. That’s where all this technology comes in. This will simulate a sort of virtual landscape for you all to traverse through. It should still be accurate, but it will prevent any serious harm coming to any of you.”

Lance’s stomach somersaulted. Travelling… into his mind… to face his insecurities?!

No way they’ll want you around after this.

Lance took a deep breath. Maybe he could worm his way out of it. Maybe he could delay, and they would run out of time and not get to him. Maybe he could fake illness closer to his turn. The healing pods didn’t cure sickness so he’d just be sent back to his room to rest.

They were feeble wishes, but a boy can dream.

—

Unfortunately for Lance, they did have time for him. All day, dread had been clawing at his chest, and he’d taken every possible opportunity to have someone else go first.

But… he couldn’t put it off any longer. He had really considered faking a migraine or some shit, but if any of them found out they’d think he was being lazy. Or worse, they’d question why he wanted out so close to his turn anyways.

They’d been through Shiro’s mindscape. Forcing him to confront his fears and regrets about his time with the Galra, and helping him accept that it was all just survival. The Galran prisoner he used to be was running purely off instinct, and the Shiro they knew would never be so callous. They also helped him wrestle with the guilt and pain of leaving Adam behind.

They’d been through Pidge’s mindscape. Helping to quell her fears about not being able to find her parents. They’d sworn they would help her, and do whatever it took to get Matt and her father back.

They’d been through Hunk’s mindscape. Helping him through all the anxieties and fears that had taken hold of him over his years at the Garrison, and now in space. They’d consoled him by telling him that he was brave. That it was okay to be scared. And that he would never be alone.

They’d gone through Keith’s mindscape. Begrudgingly, he’d admitted to his feelings of lostness. How he wanted to feel a sense of self, and get to know who he was and where he came from. They’d told him they would help in whatever way they could, but that at the end of the day ‘who he was’ depended solely on him. Not who his parents were. They’d even gone as far as to say Voltron could be his family if he let it.

And now… now Lance had to go.

And he was terrified.

Coward! Afraid of what they might find? Afraid they’ll see how worthless their Blue Paladin really is?!

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he stared at the mindscape device in his hands. He looked up at Shiro, who smiled down at him.

“We’re right here with you.” He assured.

Lance smiled.

But for how long?

He pushed the voice away, pushed everything away. All his thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Then, he put on the device, and closed his eyes. The world around him melted away, and when he reopened his eyes, he found himself standing on a beach. The ground beneath him which he knew technically shouldn’t, felt soft. Having been through several mindscapes by now, he was used to the strange faux sensations they caused. Making it seem like you were actually there.

He looked around as the other Paladins faded in, and took in their surroundings.

Finally, it was Pidge who asked, “where are we?”

Lance smiled as he spotted a house on the hill, not far from the beachfront.

“My home.”

—

They made their way up the hill, Lance making absolutely certain that everything they saw was what he wanted them to see. Keeping the nasty voice that haunted his conscious locked behind the walls of this fabricated world.

Okay, fabricated wasn’t exactly the best word. This was all still very real. It was just something he was more comfortable showing the team. Something understandable. Something sweet. Something wholesome.

Something better to the alternative. Something easier.

They reached the house, and Lance grinned as he saw his little niblings playing in the front yard. Rolling around the grass, wrestling over a yellow toy truck.

They didn’t see him though, nor did they see the other Paladins. At the end of the day, they were just spectators to a virtual reality. They weren’t actually in Lance’s mind, and thus, couldn’t interact.

“Aww, they’re so cute! Who are they?” Pidge said, cooing as they drew nearer.

“Those are my niece and nephew.” He said, smiling fondly. He’d missed them so much. He’d missed them all so much.

Almost as if his mind was reflecting this, the house seemed to pull away, just slightly. Not quite letting the Paladins reach it.

Lance frowned.

“Woah… what was that?” Hunk asked, looking at Lance.

“I’m… not sure,” he admitted.

He could feel the fringes of his paradise shudder as an insult tried to break through. He didn’t let it. He couldn’t. Not with the Paladins watching.

But he could see their unease as the trembling surrounding the area scape passed.

Fortunately, his mother emerged from the house before they had time to question it.

She began spewing how she missed him, and he felt tears prick his eyes.

Each time they got close to the house it shifted away again. Pretty soon they caught on.

Homesickness. Homesickness was the barrier he was choosing to show the Paladins. The guilt for leaving his family behind. It was one he found much easier to bear. One he felt they would understand and accept.

And they did.

They comforted him, and told him it was okay to miss home.

And he thought, just for a moment he thought he’d done it.

He’d really done something right. He hadn’t fucked it up.

“Is this why you were so distracted yesterday? In the battle? You were missing your family?” Shiro asked.

Lance nodded.

And then the voice came rushing in, faster than he could stop it.

A venomous, icy echo twisted around them, filling up the atmosphere.

Liar!

He forced it back, but it was too late. The Paladins were looking around, frightened and confused.

“What was that?” Pidge exclaimed.

Shit.

“I- I don’t know…” he said, his voice dejected. But he found lying much harder in the midst of his panic.

“Lance. What aren’t you telling us?” Keith demanded.

Then it happened. A sharp sound drew Lance’s eyes to the ground, where a crack was beginning to spread beneath his feet.

“What the hell’s happening?!”

“Lance! What’s going on?!”

He couldn’t think. He couldn’t speak. He was frozen. Fear was creeping through his veins, sending a wind rushing through the mindscape.

A Paladin. Afraid of his own brain.

Pathetic!

More cracks. He closed his eyes, and tried to shove the voice away.

There was still time, still an opportunity to hide this, to get past this. He could do this.

“Lance!”

He looked up. Everyone looked scared. He was making them scared. And this was just the surface. No way he could let them see the full force of it!

Nobody would want you around then.

The voice crackled in the wind around them, sharp as a knife, but also sweet as honey. A perfect tone of intoxicating mockery. One that had haunted him for years.

Shards were beginning to fall away, revealing a world of empty blackness, and Lance was panicking.

How disappointing. Paladins aren’t supposed to panic.

“Lance, Lance it’s okay! Just breath buddy. Tell us what’s happening. We can help you!” Shiro assured.

They’ll hate you.

“We won’t!” Hunk tried to reassure, reaching out a hand.

And then the world fell away. The cracks gave way and Lance was falling. Falling. Falling. Falling. Away from the hill. Away from Cuba. Away from his little paradise.

And down

Down

Into the bitter darkness.

Into the truth.

Into the nothing.

—

Lance inhaled sharply, his breath echoing all around him. All he could see was darkness. Darkness above, darkness below and darkness all around. Yet somehow, he was standing on solid ground. He tapped his feet curiously, a faint ringing echoing at the back of his mind. Like when you listen to the silence for too long.

Then he turned around, and found the other Paladins facing him.

His heart lurched. They were here… with him. Dios what has he done?!

“Lance… what- what is this?” Hunk asked, looking at his friend in deep confusion. Concern etched his expression.

“I- I don’t know…”

You never know! Came the voice. Harsher and clearer than it had on the beach house. Pounding in his head and vibrating in his skull.

He turned to see the faint outline of a person against the darkness. Inches from his face. It shoved him with a hiss, that’s the problem!

“Lance!” Keith started forward, sword in hand, but a voice interrupted him.

Are you gonna let him fight your battles?!

Another grey figure appeared in front of Keith, blocking Lance’s view of the Red Paladin.

I thought Paladins were supposed to be strong?!

Another figure appeared to the right of Lance.

But you were never much of a Paladin to begin with, were you?

Lance backed away. He closed his eyes and shook his head, begging it to stop.

Why? Why should we stop? Can’t handle the truth?

“Lance! Lance, it's okay! Look at me!” That was Shiro’s voice. It sounded so far away. Lance looked up to see the other Paladins, slowly disappearing behind a mob of grey.

They pity you.

You think any of them actually want you around.

Something latched onto his arm, digging its claws into his flesh.

After all you’ve done? After everything you’ve messed up?

Images of the earlier fight flickered all around them. Then it was all the fights before. All the times he’d done something wrong.

You’re a screw up, Lance! You don’t deserve to be a Paladin.

Lance was being dragged down. Dragged down by thousands of latching hands. Swarming and smothering him. Suffocating him in his own greatest faults. His biggest insecurities.

And he was faintly aware of the other Paladins screaming for him.

They were seeing all of this.

He hadn’t wanted them to.

Did you really think you could keep this from them? That they wouldn’t find out how weak you are?

How useless you are?

You’re stupider than I thought.

And that’s saying something.

Tears pricked his eyes as more claws dug into his flesh, ripping and tearing as he tried to fight them off.

Nobody wants you around!

I’d say go back home, but I doubt they’d want you either!

More hostile, hungry claws stretched from the crowd, latching onto his skin and screaming in his ears. Lance cried as the claws dug into his skin, but his voice was drowned out by the icy, honeysuckle tone of the never ending voice.

Pathetic

Weak

Selfish asshole

Can’t even deny it.

Lance curled in on himself, tears flowing down his cheeks and sobs racking his body. Surely they would all hate him now, after seeing all this. After seeing what a mess he really was.

Can’t even fight back?

You were never meant to be a Paladin!

You don’t belong here!

You’re just a cargo pilot!

Nothing to offer!

You’re not special!

Pain raked his body as he felt himself being torn apart. In the back of his mind he wondered how they were touching him. Coran said they wouldn’t be able to. But of course, Lance always did seem to do the impossible when it came to screwing up.

They would be better off without you and you know it!

There’s so many better options to pilot the Blue Lion.

Shame they had to settle for you.

He tried not to listen. Tried so hard.

You’re hopeless!

But they were right, weren’t they?

Stupid!

Deadweight!

And in that moment, Lance found himself lost. Succumbing to the sea of his own insecurities. They’d come on this mission to connect as a unit

But…

He had never felt more alone in his entire life.

It was just him, and the voice echoing over and over in his mind.

You’re nothing

—

Lance jolted upright, phantom claws still tearing at his skin as he looked around frantically.

He was back on the training deck. Sitting on the floor. He was fairly certain he hadn’t been on the floor when they’d gone in.

He was breathing heavily, his body shaking as tears ran freely down his cheeks. The only positive right now was that whatever wounds the figures seemed to have inflicted were gone… if they had ever really existed in the first place.

“Lance…” came an empty, uncertain voice. The Blue Paladin looked up to see the other Paladins standing a foot or so away, watching him completely break down after…

After…

Dios! They were gonna hate him. More than they did already!

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

If it was possible, he began quivering harder.

At that moment, nobody seemed to know what to do. They were all frozen in some sort of silent shock, mortified by what they’d just witnessed.

And then… to everyone’s surprise… Keith began walking towards Lance.

The Blue Paladin began scrambling away, trying to pull himself to his feet and failing as he stumbled backwards. He raised a feeble hand to try and hide his crying eyes.

Kieth grabbed his arm, catching him as he fell. He tried to pull away, letting out a frantic whimpering sound. But Keith held his grip and pulled Lance towards him.

And then they were hugging. Lance felt slender, firm arms wrapped around his back. He fought against them for a few seconds, but the Red Paladin didn’t let up.

So, Lance folded. Keith dropped to his knees as the boy buried his head in the Red Paladin’s shoulder, clutching the back of his shirt with trembling hands. Sobs raked his body, and Keith only seemed to hold him tighter.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Lance murmured through his sobbing. He hadn’t meant for this to happen. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. What would they think of him now?

Another pair of arms joined them, and Lance heard Hunk whisper in his ear, “It’s okay, buddy.”

Then something small weaselled its way between the hands already around Lance, and he heard Pidge murmur, “we’re right here.”

A hand fell on his shoulder, and Shiro spoke in a calm, affirming voice: “we’re not going anywhere buddy.”

And Lance cried harder. He was sure he was squeezing Keith too hard. He was sure he was making a fool of himself. He was sure they all just pitied him.

“I’m sorry.” He sobbed again wetly. Voice thick with misery. The embrace became more secure, and Lance was acutely aware of Shiro joining it fully.

Then, someone moved their hand into Lance’s hair. Working it between their fingers, and combing it gently. “Don’t—“ Keith rasped. If Lance wasn’t sure they all hated him now, if he wasn’t sure this was just pity, he’d say he heard a quiver in his voice, “don’t apologise.”

And they sat there, Lance sobbing into Keith’s shoulder as the team embraced him from every angle, smothering them in their warmth. This smothering, it wasn’t like what the figures had done. It wasn’t suffocating. In fact, with each passing second it seemed to breathe more life into Lance.

And even though he knew it wouldn’t last, even though he knew his time with the team was at its end…

He didn’t feel so alone anymore.

—

Keith was shell shocked. He couldn’t comprehend it. Lance was supposed to be the happy one. The one who cracked jokes, and… and kept everyone optimistic, and annoyed everyone with his dumb, extremely endearing pick-up lines.

He wasn’t supposed be sad. He wasn’t supposed to be the one falling apart. He wasn’t supposed to believe so little of himself that his own mind turned on him the second it got the chance.

Yet here they were. Lance in Keith’s arms as he carried the Blue Paladin to his room after he’d cried so hard he’d passed out from exhaustion.

It wasn’t right, seeing Lance so broken.

How long has he felt like this? How long had he been hiding it? How long had he been pretending?

Keith wasn’t sure he really wanted to know. Because if his instincts were correct (and they usually were): he never hadn’t been.

The Red Paladin approached Lance’s bed. He propped the boy’s body against him as he pulled back the covers. Then, cradling him gently in his arms (strange that this had happened twice now), he lifted Lance up and set him down on the mattress.

Keith couldn’t believe it. Salty tracks stained the Paladin’s face, and Keith had to fight to keep his own tears down.

Because seeing Lance like this… it hurt.

It was wrong.

It felt more wrong to him than anything had ever felt in his life.

And Keith knew why.

Because ontop of how unbelievable it was that this was how Lance really felt… Keith loved him. He loved Lance so much.

And seeing him like that, completely helpless. Completely broken…

It hurt worse than anything Keith had ever felt before.

And he swore to himself, right there and then, that he would make sure Lance never felt that way again. He wouldn’t give the Paladin room to doubt. He would make him see just how beautiful he was.

—

Lance awoke to a hand in his own - grip weak - and something pressed against his side. He looked around disoriented for a moment. He was aware of a couple things: the person beside him (obviously), the exhaustion and aching in his limbs, the dim lighting, and the stiff skin on his cheeks that came with dried tears.

So he had been crying? Why?

He moved a bit, sitting up to try and see who was with him.

Had they seen him cry? Dios he hoped not.

As he moved, he felt the hand atop his twitch, before the grip grew tighter. Lance gasped as the figure sat up, and blue eyes met black. The hint of violet in them was a dead give away as to who it was, as was the black mop of hair.

Lance would reckognise that mullet anywhere.

“Keith?” He asked.

“Lance!” And the boy in question had never seen Keith look so happy, so relieved. He wasn’t sure why, not like he was in a healing pod or anything.

“What’s goin’ on?” Lance asked, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

And then he remembered. The mindscape, and the figures, and the sobbing and the hugs… and he dropped his gaze.

“…oh.”

He knew his voice sounded small. Weak.

Pathetic.

He couldn’t hold back the wince.

Then a hand squeezed his. “Lance…” Keith tried to turn his gaze towards him, but Lance couldn’t look up. He feared he’d see scrutiny and disgust. He was certain now why Keith had waited by his bedside. He wanted to tell Lance he was off the team. Tell him he couldn’t be the Blue Paladin anymore. Tell him they didn’t want someone on the team who held them back.

And tears flooded his eyes.

“Lance, hey, it’s okay.” Keith brushed a soft hand against the boy’s cheek, brushing away stray tears.

Lance lifted his hands, pushing Keith’s out of the way as he frantically tries to wipe his own eyes. He felt guilty and embarrassed and stupid.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, though whether he was apologising for the tears or his very existence he wasn’t sure. He supposed it could be both.

Hands grabbed his face, grip gentle but firm. “Hey, none of that.”

And the tears came even more. Even now he was disappointing Keith with his stupid crying.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I’m sorry. I- I tried—“

“No, Lance! Don’t apologise.” Keith reiterated.

Of course, Keith didn’t want to see him grovelling. Didn’t want to see his pathetic attempts at asking for forgiveness. He was done with him, and nothing Lance said would change that.

But… dammit a part of him begged to be allowed to stay. Allowed another chance.

He cried harder.

“I know— I know you want me off the team. I know I’m a disappointment. I know I’m just holding you back. But please. Please, I can do better. I’ll work harder. I’ll train every day. Please! Please, Keith, don’t send me away. I- I can’t— I don’t—“ his pleas died out in exchange for desperate sobs.

Look at you. You think this will make him take you back? You’re disgusting! He’s disgusted by you! He’s right to send you away.

You don’t deserve his forgiveness.

You don’t deserve Voltron.

Keith’s voice broke through the terror.

“Woah, hey, hey, hey!” Lance could hear the awkwardness in his voice. Keith never really was good with people. Good with emotions. And here Lance was making it harder by crying all over him.

Deadweight. Dumbass. Worthless.

“No one’s goin’ anywhere. Okay?”

Lance stilled. He sobbing stopped, and he felt like the ground had just been pulled out from under him.

He dared look up, dared meet Keith’s gaze, and was met with nothing but soft, gentle eyes flooded with concern. Concern and heartache.

“What?” He asked weakly.

It didn’t make any sense.

Nothing makes sense to you.

“We're not kicking you out Lance.” Keith said, pain evident in his voice.

Lance was… so confused.

“But…” he couldn’t find the words.

Keith sighed. It wasn’t exasperated, or irritated. Just… heavy. “We need to talk, Lance. You, me, and the rest of the team.”

Oh. So they weren’t kicking him off the team. They were just gonna reprimand him.

I bet it’s because they pity you.

They don’t have the heart to send you to the whims of space. They don’t have the time to drop you back on earth. So once again, they’re just stuck with you.

The deadweight.

The burden.

“Why don’t you come with me.”

And then gentle arms were wrapping around the Blue Paladin’s waste, helping him to his feet. Lance’s legs wobbled, and a new bout of shame engulfed him as he clung tightly to Keith.

Fuck!

—

Keith led him down to the lounge area, keeping a stable, comforting grip around the shaking boy’s form the whole way down. The half-Galra could tell Lance was still exhausted, and for a moment he wondered if he should have told Lance to rest before dragging him all the way down here.

But, Lance was convinced that the team didn’t want him around, and the thought of letting those feelings simmer any longer made Keith’s heart ache.

No, they needed to talk to him. Before Lance regained the ability to try and cover it up… he was rather good at that. Despite all of this, Keith found himself admiring just how good an actor Lance was. He’d managed to get past Keith’s scary accurate instincts, the Red Paladin not having thought for a second that the boy he paid attention to the most on this ship was hurting so much. Not until it all came crashing down.

Which begged the question: What else had Lance been hiding?

Hopefully nothing. But that wasn’t important right now.

What was important is that Lance got help.

—

The others were already waiting for them when they arrived. Lance refused to meet their gaze as he was led by the Red Paladin over to the sitting area, where he was lowered onto a couch. Shame churned in his blood as he stared at his shaking hands. He was pathetic, couldn’t even manage to walk himself.

The tension in the room was thick, Altean space goo thick. The longer the silence grew, the worse Lance felt.

Just berate me already! Then we can all move on with our lives! He pleaded.

Not that you’d have anything meaningful to move on to, his mind filled in kindly.

Finally, Shiro decided it was time to put the Blue Paladin out of his misery. “Lance… we need to talk about yesterday. Your mindscape-“

Lance thought he would be able to bear it. To sit through another ridiculing lecture about his incompetence. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t bear to listen to the disappointment of his team members. Couldn’t bear to withstand the disapproval. So, against his better judgement, he interrupted desperately.

“I know! Okay, I know. You don’t have to say anything. I know I fucked up! I failed the exercise and made a complete fool of myself. I know behaved in a way no true Paladin of Voltron ever would! I know I compromised Voltron’s bond and probably put you all in danger, and I know- I- I know you all think I’m stupid, and weak and unworthy now! I know I’m not good enough, I know I’m only here because you don’t have time to find another Paladin for Blue, I know none of you actually want me around! I know! I know, I-“ Tears had begun streaming down his face again, his palms pressed into his eyes as he tried desperately to hide his obvious despair.

A firm grip on his shoulders caused him to look up with a start. In an instant he regretted it as tears spilled from bloodshot, tired eyes.

Weak!

But before he could wipe them away, or hide his face again, Shiro said something he was not expecting.

“No, Lance. No… no to all of that. You didn’t mess anything up, and none of us think you’re weak, or stupid, or unworthy. We do want you here. You belong on this team Lance, and it’s okay to not be… okay sometimes.”

Lance’s tears didn’t let up, despite the obvious genuinely in Shiro’s eyes. He should be grateful… happy. They weren’t mad. But… that… that couldn’t be right.

“N-no. No you’re- you’re lying. You don’t mean that, I know! I already know! I’ve always known! You- you’re just trying to make me feel better. You just- you- you’re trying to keep Voltron together so you don’t have t- to waste time f-f-finding someone else. But you w-w-want to. You want someone better. I know I’m not-“ his choppy, shaky voice cut off at a an angry voice coming from behind Shiro.

“Do you really think that?! After everything we’ve been through! You really think none of us actually care?!” It was Pidge, small, angry, heartbroken Pidge.

“How can you fucking say that shit when we’re supposed to be your friends! How can you fucking- think that shit about yourself— you don’t- how could you not trust us to tell-“ Pidge, smart, intellectual, tactful Pidge, was at a loss for words.

And then her anger broke. Taken over by guilt, regret, and most of all, fear.

“Did we really treat you that badly?”

Lance’s heart was thumping in his chest. No. No he made Pidge upset, now everyone was gonna be mad- he couldn’t- “No- n- no -o no no no, no, no! No! No! It was- you guys never! You guys were always so great! So good! I’m the one that’s the problem here! You never- I just- it’s just the truth. That’s just how it is- I didn’t-“ he paused for a beat, staring at everyone as they watched the interaction. Then, finally, he returned his gaze to his hands, “I’m sorry.”

“Okay, everyone just… take a breath,” Shiro said, stepping away from Lance, and sitting down on a chair across from the couch he was on.

There was silence as everyone situated themselves around the area. Keith sat next to Lance on his left, and Hunk sat on his right. Pidge sat next to Shiro on a stool, while Coran and Allura shared another couch situated next to Pidge and Shiro.

Then, finally, Shiro asked something.

“How long have you been feeling like this?”

Lance was confused. Again.

Idiot.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re not good enough… for Voltron.”

Lance was glad for the final specification. That made the question a little easier to answer. Even still, he found the words tangled in his throat as he feared the reaction the answer would recieve.

“I…” his body tensed as he felt all eyes on him. His heart started racing. He was trying to answer but he couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t. He could never do anything he was supposed to! They were asking him a question and he couldn’t even find it in himself to answer!

Stupid!

Weak!

Worthless!

Deadweight!

Fingers brushed against his thigh, and he looked down to see Keith’s hand slowly inching towards him, clearly trying to comfort him. To get his attention.

“Take your time,” the Red Paladin said. “We- we’ve got nowhere else to go.”

Lance looked away. Look at him, having to be placated like a child. Still, he hated to admit that the removal of pressure helped.

“I… I guess… I guess I… always?” He said uncertainty. Shrinking in on himself as he braced for backlash. Surly now they would see how inadequate he had been from the start.

But Shiro’s voice remained calm, and the room remained quiet.

“Why?”

Lance scoffed at that, leaning back against the couch, but keeping his eyes on his lap. “Isn’t it kind of obvious?”

“Tell me anyway. It might not be as obvious to some of us.”

Lance was pretty sure that wasn’t true, but he was already on thin ice with the team as it was, he wasn’t about to disobey Shiro.

Still though, it took him several minutes to be able to say the words out loud.

“You- you guys are all so… so good at stuff. Pidge is smart and good with technology and determined. She can hack into anything and we’d be dead like 10x over without her. Hunk is gentle, and big hearted, he’s a good cook and a great engineer for Voltron. He gets along well with aliens and he’s always there when people need him. Allura and Coran are the last of their kind alive! We need Allura to run the ship, she’s got altean magic plus she’s like royalty. She’s important. And Coran keeps everything running on the ship. He knows so much about space and planets, and he’s the best doctor we have - besides the healing pods. Keith’s our best pilot and our best swordsman. He’s confident and brave and insanely talented! Without him I don’t know if we’d have survived half the battles we were in, he’s a great soldier! And Shiro is… Shiro is our leader. Shiro’s been through so much. He’s so calm and level headed and determined and we need him. Without Shiro we’d be nothing! Without any of you we’d be nothing!”

He paused, taking a moment to catch his breath, recollect his thoughts, and brace himself for what he was about to say next. For the truth he’d kept inside for so long. There was no hiding it anymore, they’d all seen it first hand and now he had to explain it.

“But me? I’m nothing special. I’m not… any of that. I’m not smart, I’m not creative, or a diplomat. I’m not brave or talented or a leader. I don’t know things! I’m not important! I’m just Lance! I’m stupid and weak and annoying and useless and I don’t contribute anything but subpar shooting skills that any of you could probably learn faster than I ever did! I’m just a fucking deadweight, I hold Voltron back, I’m a fucking joke of a pilot! I’m not even really a fighter pilot, I got in a technicality! I always fuck things up! I’m a fuck up! A stupid, weak, good for nothing, worthless fuck up who doesn’t deserve to be a Paladin! Voltron would be so much better off if I just stopped being selfish and fucked off already so you guys wouldn’t have to deal with my shit anymore! Maybe then we’d actually be making progress against the Galra!”

He hadn’t meant to say that much. Actually he’d planned on stopping after ‘I’m just Lance!’ But, once he started, he found the words just poured out of him faster than he could collect them back up. And now… now here he was. With everything he’d ever felt about himself being laid on the table. Everything his own mind ever fucking screamed at him coming out in a convoluted mess as he finally found the words put to it’s mockery.

Lance lifted his hand, trying to whisk his still very much present tears away, when a gloved hand caught it.

He looked at Keith, making eye contact. Suddenly he was stuck. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think (not that he usually could).

Because Keith, warrior, closed off, emotionless Keith… had tears in his eyes.

“That’s not true! None of that is true! You’re not stupid, or weak, or worthless, or any of that! You are Lance! Smart, skilled, funny, beautiful, amazing, wonderful Lance! Lance who always seems to know how to lighten the mood or offer up a joke! Lance who keeps everyone positive and innocent in the middle of a fucking space war! Lance, the sharpshooter, who we know always has our backs in battle. Lance who cares so much about everyone around him, and who would give his life in an instant to save any one of us! Lance who hid for so long that he was suffering because he didn’t want to make anyone else upset! Lance who thinks of everyone so highly that he thinks he isn’t good enough! But you are Lance! You are good enough! You’ve always been good enough! You’re not a deadweight, or a cargo pilot! You are so much more than that!”

Lance just stared as Keith tried to drive home a message that he just… that Lance couldn’t comprehend. This wasn’t… this couldn’t… he’d always known that he wasn’t… and now Kieth, Kieth who hated Lance’s guts was telling him…

Hunk joined up, bringing Lance into his arms as he began to speak. “We care about you man. Me especially. Whenever I’m feeling nervous or overwhelmed, you are what keeps me grounded. Keeps me from completely freaking out. You’re my best friend, and I would be devastated if you left. I couldn’t do this without you.”

Pidge nodded, staying where she was as she added her own two cents. “I know I haven’t always been the nicest towards you… especially in our early days as friends. I made you feel like you were stupid and not worth my time, and I didn’t even realise or try to apologise because I had other things going on. But I’ve always admired you Lance… the way you embrace everyone around you so easily - except maybe Keith - and the way you’re always so aware of everything going on around you. You always know exactly what to say or do to take the edge off, even if it means you end up getting yelled at or in trouble. You take care of us out here, and I never told you before but… I am extremely grateful for you.”

Lance was speechless. They were all saying such… nice things. Things he never saw as passably notable or important. Things he’d always said he had to do to make up for the fact that he was a complete fucking pile of nothing. And of course they weren’t! Not up to the standards of everyone else. None of that really helped in the fight against the Galra… did it?

“Lance,” Shiro began, “you are a valued and inconsequential member of this team. Your bond with the Blue Lion is the strongest out of all of us. Your ability to trust so deeply and so completely in others has been life changing in our diplomatic missions. There’s something about you that is just… so disarming that people want to be around you. I just wish…” he sighed, “I just wish you’d trusted us enough to tell us that you were feeling like this. You didn’t have to suffer alone Lance, none of us ever have to go through anything alone.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Pidge asked. She always wanted to know the why.

Lance, completely taken aback by everything, took a minute to register the question.

“I… didn’t think anyone would care. I thought it was just common knowledge… or that if I told you then you’d realise I was right. I didn’t want to jeopardize our objective with my stupid problems, not when it was just as easy to go about my day pretending everything was fine.”

Shiro’s eyes grew soft, “Lance, we would never ever kick you off the team for talking about your problems. I promise. You should never be afraid to talk to us. You don’t have to lie, or pretend you’re okay when you’re not. We’re a team, we’re here for each other, and nobody is going to be angry at you for telling us how you’re feeling.”

Lance’s lower lip trembled. The tears, which had subsided by the time Hunk started talking, came back. He pulled his hand out of Keith’s grasp to wipe at his eyes… again.

“I just- I- I didn’t want you guys to hate me.” Lance had given up trying to sound okay. His voice was wet, broken and oh so afraid. As if any minute they would realise that everything he was talking about was indeed true, and that they’d send him off into space. It’s what he deserved.

Hunk pulled him in again, this time it was a proper bear hug. Lance cried. It wasn’t the raw, terrified, pleading sobs that had taken over his body in the training room. These tears were drawn from a place of relief and mild fear. After all this time he’d finally let it all out, he’d finally opened up and showed them what he was - what he really was - and so far… they didn’t hate him.

They could. They may one day just decide they didn’t want him around. But right now they wanted him… all of him.

So he cried; and when Keith wrapped his arms around Lance from behind he didn’t resist; and when Pidge and Coran came over to join he didn’t fight; and when Allura and the space mice nuzzled their way in he didn’t try to run; and when Shiro finally decided to join in fully on the embrace, he stayed put.

He didn’t scream, or kick, or claw or try to get away. He embraced them, all of them. Embraced their warmth and their love, and their desire for him to be okay.

And he cried.

And though those tears would not be able to wash away the toxin of his brain. The poison that had built up after years of his life feeling like he was just some second rate cargo pilot from Cuba… they were a start.

A start to the long road to healing. A start to seeing himself as equal to his peers. A start to seeing himself deserving of Blue and his Paladin uniform.

They were a start to his long journey to feeling like he was worthy.

Like he was something.