#twenty years later i accept that it wasn't my fault

[epickiya722]

Of all "hot takes" some people have about BakuDeku, whether from an anti or a BkDk shipper, the one I hate the most is the "bully actually likes girl who he pulls her pigtails".

It's stupid and to me it doesn't fit for them.

Bakugou and Midoriya don't seem like the type to always have been in love with each other since kids. They seem like the type who would fall in love much later in life. Why? Well, they have goals to become heroes and by canon, neither has expressed being interested in romance at this time or in their past. I just see them falling in love at the youngest being eighteen to early twenties when they have their shit together.

But during their middle school years?

I doubt either would have been like "Oh I've always been in love with you since middle school".

Bakugou already expressed why he bullied Midoriya. Simply put, he misunderstood how Midoriya saw him and has his own insecurities. He had people enable his behavior also. Sometimes, I wonder if the other characters are invisible to the audience because the way people like to just bring up Bakugou and not others whom mistreated Midoriya makes me think so. There were whole adults who bullied Midoriya.

From Midoriya’s side, it wasn't like he wanted Bakugou to bully him. He was aware he was being bullied and it was wrong. He couldn't say anything because who would believe the quirkless kid? And I'm sure he didn't say anything to his mom because he didn't want her to worry. Midoriya is the type who hides things out of the sake of not wanting to bother others. (Trust me, I know the feeling all too well.)

I feel like antis pull the "pigtail pulling bully" card just make BakuDeku seem even worse as a ship than what it is. Yeah, their relationship isn’t the best, but jeez. When you pull that card, even if don't like romantic BakuDeku, you are implying it is romantic somehow in some way. You're admitting that Bakugou has feelings for Midoriya and vice versa. In a way, you're shipping it without shipping it.

And with shippers, it may be because they like the idea of Bakugou and Midoriya being in love since forever, the "childhood romance" trope. The "those feelings have always been there, I was just stupid at the time" trope. It's cute, a guilty pleasure. But BkDks, you're not making the ship look any better if you're using that card. You're playing right into the antis' hands.

Now, if that's how you feel about BakuDeku, the "bully pulls girl's pigtails because he likes her" take, alright. I don't care.

But to me? I just don't see it. I don't.

That "bully likes girl" thing from my knowledge was something our parents told us to make us "feel better" about being bullied and that it stems from sexist views that men are dominant and women are submissive. That a girl should just accept that kind of attention because at least she is getting some attention, unwanted or not. That boys will be boys, they can get away with it. When the victim and bully are the same gender, that's when "honey, it's wrong" and "they're probably going through something or have issues they are unaware of yet".

That's the time people want to show concern.

So to apply it to a ship with two characters of the same sex and where it was clear as to why one of them was a bully and the reasons are nonromantic, it just... it's just strange to me. It doesn't make sense.

If we all know that bullies in real life most of the time bully someone because they have their own issues to work or their home life sucks in some way, why apply it to BakuDeku when we have the reasons why Bakugou is a bully?

What, Bakugou can't have his reasons be nonromantic? He can't have issues and faults and admit to them because he knows he was wrong?

And for Midoriya, why put him in more of the "submissive" role like that? Make him see naive than what he really is in canon?

I don't care to hear answers, these questions are rhetorical.

Just expressing a take that I hate and annoy me.

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #just kiya's thoughts #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #deku #kacchan #bakudeku #bkdk #💚🐇👊 #🧡💣💥 #when something annoys bad you even wrote a fic about it #i did

[anexperimentallife]

So we had to report someone after they posted a picture of El and me along with a long, totally unhinged (and wildly inaccurate) rant, @'d @thesurestthing and me, and sent dms to both of us, both the post and dms being about what horrible people we all are, how disabled people are just lazy, how anyone who has to ask for help after being hit with too many unexpected emergencies in a row is a terrible lazy person, that interracial relationships are bad, how I'm going to die soon, etc...

Oh, and how they they HOPE Zoey and El suffer for the rest of their lives after I'm gone, and how Zoey will be begging for help forever because she's useless.

So... Monday here.

Also, they claim Zoey is just my girlfriend (she's my wife), they didn't know she's from the US, and opine that it's my fault my youngest son died in his twenties of pneumonia (which according to them he did to himself--while I was a thousand miles away--but it's somehow still my fault) and my fault that my older son shot himself after refusing attempt after attempt from myself and others to get him to accept help for his bipolar disorder. So yeah, thanks for using the deaths of my sons to attack me. Shows a lot of class.

Also, they claim Zoey is a terrible mother, has no drive, and no skills (despite her being an excellent mother, earning a college degree while she was still in high school, and despite ONE of the reasons we're going back--in addition to me needing medical treatment--being for her to work and get a higher degree), and apparently we should both be working here even though we're not legally allowed to (because, again, disabled people are just lazy and we should also risk imprisonment, because THAT would be responsible)?

Somehow, they're also very concerned for Zoey and El despite outright saying they HOPE El and Zoey suffer?

Just completely off the rails, unhinged ranting.

They didn't even get the timeline right. I was autistic with ADHD and head and spine injuries before we found out (during the Philippines STRICT lockdown) that we were having a baby, and at that point I'd just gotten contracted for the licensing fee, which we had every reason to believe (based on the longevity of the company's other properties) that it would gp on for basically as long as I was game m--so it LOOKED like smooth sailing ahead. (That contract was the only reason we stopped being so careful to avoid pregnancy, too.)

So yes, I was disabled when we got pregnant with El, but in a stable way at that point. It wasn't until AFTER we found out about the pregnancy that I got covid three times that my health started scarily declining. THAT was when all the scary stuff with my eye and heart and feet and face started. But apparently we're horrible for... not knowing that was going to happen?

Thing is, if the company that was paying me a licensing fee to turn my first-sold story into a game hadn't canceled the project one year in with zero notice (while we were still paying for El's birth), if El hadn't had a mistake on her birth certificate that left her stateless and took almost two years to resolve, and if I hadn't gotten COVID three times, we'd be okay financially. We wouldn't have had to ask for help with El's legal stuff or my medical bills, and we wouldn't have to be asking for help now.

Of course, we're the only people they follow, and that's their only post, so they obviously made the blog just for this purpose. I think I know who it is, but I can't prove it, so oh, well. Took screen shots in case receipts are needed later, but since it's obviously a throwaway account, it would be pointless to @ them here.

(Oh, apparently we're also bad people for being... liberals? LOL We're leftists, man. Liberals are more conservative than we are.)

Like I said, pretty sure I know who it is, and they probably hate-follow us from another account anyway, but, y'know, they're too cowardly to show themselves. So hi. Go to therapy.

Yeah. Fun stuff.

Anyway, if you'd like to help us all get back to the US so I can use my benefits to get the medical treatment I need (which, again, is needed as a result of me getting covid 3X AFTER we found out we were having El), please see my pinned post.

#rob gets personal

[coffeewithcalypso]

I had a dream two nights ago about a friend I was friends with from high school into my late twenties. If you asked him, he'd probably say we still are. Since the dream I've been wanting to text him. But I absolutely will not. This is a boundary I've set for myself and I hate it but I won't.

See, he was never super reliable, and never reached out first. The last thing is something I've accepted with many of my friends because I attract introverts like strays and someone has to do the planning.

I opened up a lot to this particular friend growing up, I mean opened up in ways I don't with people. Was it because we both tended to abuse substances together? Or he was a writer so had a same weird brain? Or his life was more chaotic than mine so I felt he'd understand some of the angsty shit I felt that I didn't have an excuse for?

In his late twenties he got sober. Which is good. He very much needed it. But he was in the self righteous phase of sobriety when I was going through my break up. One night we went out together. For some context/defense I wasn't drinking alone at the time because I realized I was self medicating do this was my first night to drink in awhile, and he was driving, and a lot of people bought me drinks that night. So I got pretty good and drunk. I teased him a bit, and it was kind of mean teasing which I realized and apologized for the next day. I got some sort of like "I'm in a good place now and ready to help you when you're ready for help" speech back. Which was not what I needed at the time. Awhile after that I texted him one night at like 11:30 because one of the hard things after the break up was being up late with no one to talk to and my friend and I had always been night owls. I got some sort of "had a few, have we?" response. I will stress I had not had a drop to drink that night. So I stopped reaching out to him for awhile. So I kind of lost what I think would have been our last year through my own fault. At some point about a year later he realized he needed to go full no substances (he had gotten sober but still smoked weed) and basically MIAed. It involved halfway houses and strict curfews and things. As those loosened up, I would check in every now and then and we'd say we would hang out. Then he'd never tell me his schedule or anything else.

I eventually told myself to quit trying. I was tired of never getting anything back. I still think about him all the time. Facebook tells me he's had at least two girlfriends in this time so it's not like he isn't doing things. So yeah, I miss my friend, but I'm gonna ignore my dreams and not text him. Because that's the healthy thing to do or something

#why am i like this #i have a lot of good friends right now #just me and him had a different level #but i refuse to keep giving all the effort #a lot of this also happened around the time i was losing the nurse #my two oldest friends very close to each other #never though I'd be the person with no friends from high school #the actor #I'm sorry that this was painfully boring #but as usual i refuse to journal and have no one to talk to about it

[1-800-adoreyou]

IMAGINE: Harry taking your son for a driving lesson

1.8K words

Warnings: light swearing, mentions of car accidents, stitches

"Are you sure about this, Mum?" My son, Eddie, asked standing behind the kitchen countertop. He leaned against the edge, a weary expression plastered against his features.

I looked up from feeding Eloise. Once I saw my son's weary expression, a pang of guilt washed through me. "Yeah, Hunny. I'm sorry I can't be the first one to watch you behind the wheel, but I got Elie." My arms stretched out towards him, reaching for a hug.

After a moment, he accepted with an exasperated sigh. He hooked an arm around my shoulder. "It's just that..I don't know." He shrugged, pulling away from me.

Now it was my turn to sigh, needless spiking through my heart. "I know you don't know Harry all too well, but he's a great teacher. You know I'd teach you if I could, Ed."

Eddie's nose scrunched up and he ran a hand through his brown curls. You didn't need mother's intuition to feel the emotion that clawed through his veins. "Then tell Harry to watch Elie- you know, the kid he actually fathered."

He turned on his heel and stormed out of the kitchen, his booming steps being heard up the stairs. I felt my heart break in two, tears threatening to welt in my eyes.

The kitchen's atmosphere felt tight. I understood where Eddie was coming entirely, but it wasn't my fault his father left us. I knew it was hard having a random man you didn't know up until a few years ago walk into your life.

Truthfully, I could never imagine the amount of emotions he was feeling and that made my heart ache. My whole role as a mother was to be there for him and I fear I was doing a shit job at it.

My thoughts were interrupted by an angry baby hand, smacking at the spoon pressed between my fingers. An apology was muttered through my lips as I spooned the mushed banana-strawberry concoction into Eloise's mouth.

Eloise, Harry and I's daughter stared at me, her big green eyes boring into my soul. Definitely her father's look. This was the only thing that I hadn't missed about babies, their creepy stares without blinking. Skived me out.

I looked up at the celling, sucking my lip between my teeth. I didn't know how to properly deal with this situation. Sadly, they don't give you parenting handbooks at the hospital. They just hand you a screaming little thing and milk thousands of dollars from you, the only positive moment being able to leave that hell hole.

☼︎ ☼︎ ☼︎

About twenty minutes later, the front door opened and the sound of a bag thumping on the floor drifted over the telly.

"Da!" Eloise's yelped, hoisting herself to stand upright against the cushion, awating Harry's arrival.

A second later, Harry scrambled into the living room flaring his arms about. The sound of Eloise laughing bellowed through the first floor, making a smile stretch over my lips.

Harry ran over and scooped her up in his arms, his bright green eyes twinkling. "Hey, Monkey. You were standing like a big girl! Daddy's so proud of you!"

Elie placed her hands on his cheeks and squished his face, giggling as his face scrunched up. "Da! Da!"

He walked over by the couch, sitting Ellie in his lap across from me. His long, ivry fingers grasped her bear, and started playfully shoving it in her face. Laughter bounced off the walls. Their relationship was so pure.

It almost made me forget about the pain in my chest, knowing the boy upstairs was upset.

"Y/n, Darling?" Harry's voice rung out, concern blanketing his tone. "You look distraught, is everything all right?"

My only response was to bring my fingers to the bridge of my nose. Harry placed Eloise on the ground, telling her he'd play with her in a minute.

His arm wrapped around my shoulder, his head cocking to the side to look deeply into my eyes. I knew I couldn't lie to him. He could sniff out a lie before you could even think of one. "It's just Eddie isn't taking too kindly to you teaching him to drive today."

His thumb came up and wiped my tear away. "I get it. I could stay with Ellie for you, 'ya know I wouldn't mind." His voice was hushed, almost like Eddie was listening in.

I looked up into his eyes and shook my head. "It's not that easy, H. You guys need somewhat of a relationship."

"I know, Lovie." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, an attempt at solace.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Harry's Point Of View:

My knuckles wrapped on his door, a faint twinge of anxiety bubbling into my abdomen. I knew I didn't have much experience with teenagers in a situation like this, so I pray I'll have luck on my side.

The door opened, revealing a messy room and a disheveled looking boy. "Harry?" He spoke, a heavy expression slithering up his features.

"Ready to go driving, kid?" I smiled, hoping that that would give at least a small level of comfort. "I figured we could go down to the abandoned parking lot a few blocks away."

"Yeah. Give me a minute." His responses were clipped. He turned, then shut the door in my face.

I am not ready for teenage years at all. The way my mother never just threw me out for the stupid thing's I did, I'll never know.

The door opened once again and we walked down the stairs together. We walked by Y/n, who waved at us with a comforting smile along with a squee from Ellie.

"You excited?" I asked him, making our way down the driveway to my car. "We're using my car today, Ed." I smiled at him, waving my hand in a 'come hither' motion.

Eddie turned to look at the car with wide eyes, then back at me then to the car again. "You want me to use your new car for my first ever driving lesson?" He stared at me, seemingly waiting for the punch line.

"Yeah, why not?" He blinked in surprise at my nonchalantnes, but clambered his way to the car anyway.

Once we were in our respective seats, I overturned the engine. My eyes wandered over to my stepson, and nudged his arm a bit. "Did I tell you about my first driving lesson?" I asked him, peeling out of the driveway.

"No." He said, looking out of the window.

"Well, I was about nineteen- kinda late to driving, I know. But, I was going to pick up my girlfriend at the time, Taylor. I walked to her house and when I got there, she insisted we take the car and I drive." A chuckle left my lips as I remembered that day, turning down Montevideo road.

"No shit," Eddie breathed from the passenger seat, now looking in my direction.

"Yeah, man! This was our first date and she was, she…was an insanely intelligent woman with these big beautiful blue eyes. So, I was nervous as hell right off the bat." I tsked myself, shaking my head. "But, we went off to go to this new park in her car- mind you, her daddy didn't take a good liking towards me. I was a teenage dirtbag, I guess."

Eddie nodded, obviously not very interested. He hummed, an unserious look flashing in his eyes.

"Well anyways, it ended with us in the emergency room with twenty stitches because I hit the damn breaks too soon." Eddie snapped his head towards me, now listening. "But hey, you're a smart kid so you won't make the bone headed decisions I did."

"Twenty stitches? Do you have a scar?" He inquired from the seat, not even realizing we had stopped.

"I'll tell you right after this lesson, I promise." I spoke, making my way out of the car to switch seats.

About five minutes later, we were in our seats and Eddie was clutching the steering wheel for dear life. "I don't have to drive right now though, right? I like walking. Walking is cool." He shrugged, arms tightening against his side.

"Everyone has to start somewhere, Ed. It's alright to be nervous." I patted his arm, a smile flashing across my features. "Would some music help?"

"I ain't scared. But music would be alright to have in the background." He rolled his eyes, puffing his chest up.

I had to hold in a chuckle, not wanting to make it seem like I was laughing at him. My hand switched on the radio, a Kiss song flowing through the speakers. "Take your time. Just ease off the brakes and let the car roll."

His brown eyes flicked over at me, and I saw a bit of myself in him. I could see the same fear I felt all those years ago, undoubtedly trying to claw him alive.

A moment later, the car started moving slowly. The speed was about two MPH, which wasn't too slow for his first time. The car sped up a bit, then he turned the vehicle and slammed the brakes a second later. "Alright, good." My voice was steady.

"It wasn't! The back wheels weren't going the same direction the front ones were going!" He looked over at me like I grew a second head.

"See, you need to turn the wheel in the opposite direction of where you want the back end to go. If you want the ass end of your car to go right, turn the wheel left."

He nodded, laying off the gas with a quicker speed. He made left and right turns. The music definitely helped- he was adjusted to the vehicle and calmed down a bunch.

"Harry, we've been out here for like an hour." Eddie marveled, looking down at the clock on the car.

"You're right. Wanna turn in for the night?" I asked him, glancing over my shoulder.

"Yeah." He nodded, putting the car in reverse. "Hey Harry?" He asked, looking over at me.

"Yeah, Ed?" I asked, looking at him.

"Do you have a scar?" He asked, eyes turning into slits.

"Yeah, I do actually." I lifted up a loose curl on my temple, to reveal a small patch of skin a shade darker than the rest. "It ain't much, but at the time it was bitchin'"

Edward laughed, marveling at the scar. "It's cool, actually." His voice was quiet. He cleared his throat and jumped out of the car, wanting to get back home.

I wouldn't lie and say it didn't feel good to have time with him and connect, because it felt absolutely amazing. I looked at Edward as my own, even if that wasn't true. I'd take a bullet for him.

Once again, after a minute we were on the road again. The houses whizzed past us as we bobbed our heads to the light music playing in the background. "Oh, and Harry?" Edward asked.

"Yeah?" I nodded, stopping at the red light.

"I wouldn't mind you teaching me again, you're not too bad."

#harry styles #harry 1d #harry edward styles #harries #one direction #harry #musicians #harry fic #harry styles fanfiction #oned #harry styles blurb #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles writing #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles fluff #harry styles imagines #my writting #harry styles x y/n

[the-vault-apprentice]

im gonna be very real here. about a comment you made that i saw. constantly apologising for ‚being annoying‘ is ALWAYS more annoying that whatever you did!!! thats what makes people uncomfortable, is the constant behging of validation from everyone when what you need to do is to just accept who you are and the way you communicate!!!!!!! then you arent annoying!!!!!!!!

You. You do realize I know that, right?

You.... You also realize that after TWENTY TWO YEARS of being ignored, misunderstood, talked over, and made fun of, it might be difficult to be confident?

So I appreciate the... Supportive....? I'm assuming you didn't mean any harm with your message, but I have spent a VERY long time feeling like my mere EXISTENCE is a burden and an inconvenience. It's not something that's just gonna go away. I KNOW my over-apologizing gets annoying. That's why I am WORKING ON IT.

Believe it or not, I try to limit my apologies to either things that actually ARE my fault or things I have gone through and actually feel SORRY that someone ELSE is experiencing it.

Did- did you really come into my askbox just to tell me I need to accept who I am when I live with people who don't BELIEVE ME about my own mental illness? Buddy, I've been masking so damn long I don't know if I could just drop it. I was the "gifted kid" and god I wish I wasn't because now? Now I feel like a failure if I don't get it perfect the first try. I got so good at BEING the good kid that my own MOTHER thinks I'm making it up.

So excuse me if growing up in an emotional minefield and having unrealistic standards for myself have resulted in over-apologizing. I'm just REALLY used to people absolutely flying off the handle and completely losing their shit over things. You ever have your dad grab the top of the car you're in and shake it like a goddamn Bigfoot? You ever have to hook the laptop to the TV with an HDMI cable because the screen doesn't work after somebody threw it?

"You don't need to apologize-"

No, I don't. But for a long time I DID. And even sometimes now, I DO. It's a survival mechanism at this point. Am I working on it? Yes. In the meantime, maybe don't tell me that it's more annoying than whatever thing I actually did because guess what? I know! And I'll be feeling guilty about that, too!

Begging for validation- Yes! I am! Because for a very long time I have felt disposable! Living with someone who later admits they have been lying when they say "I love you" and they had been for YEARS will give you a REALLY fucked-up perception of your worth! Being ignored by a parent will do that to you! I just want to feel like I matter because I am SO USED to not!

And I KNOW validation from other people doesn't.... It doesn't work. You have to know your own worth from the inside. And dammit I am WORKING on that! But I still like knowing I matter to other people and I'm still so afraid of getting ANYTHING wrong!

Holy freaking Megabird, it wasn't supposed to be that deep. I was only SAYING that if I apologize a lot it's because I've gotten USED to being called annoying-

......

You know what, I'm just gonna shut up now. It's not worth trying to explain myself to an anonymous person online, just maybe next time don't tell us our apologies are more annoying because odds are we know and we're trying to stop. And people telling us we're only making it worse doesn't help. It actually kinda makes you look like an ass. Remind us we don't need to apologize and continue the conversation. If it keeps happening, you absolutely have the right to say "Hey, it's making me uncomfortable how you keep apologizing" or maybe "Please stop saying you're sorry because it makes me feel like I've hurt you and makes this whole conversation impractical" or really ANYTHING that provides us some context other than just "Will you quit that" but ffs, man, just telling us to stop is only going to make us apologize for apologizing because now we feel like we made you mad-

Whatever. I'm probably not making much sense anymore but it's kinda annoying how people want us to stop apologizing and be more confident when when we TRY... If we mess up.... We're just more annoying. Feels really lose-lose to me- I LITERALLY SAID I WAS WORKING ON IT!

Did you read the second half of the sentence....?

#the hell prompted THIS? me saying I'm used to being called annoying? #my brother in megan that happened in THIRD GRADE #I learned to keep my mouth shut or everybody would look at me weird #for the love of GOD I am TRYING! #I have a fucking BLOG now! where I talk at strangers online! I think that's PROGRESS! #wish upon a star #the faceless ones #smart move going on anon but joke's on you #I don't care who knows the shit I've been through #you're talking to a girl who thinks love was invented for storytelling purposes only because mommy and daddy were ALWAYD fighting

[monstdrug]

My father baptized me after his unresolved grief, the one that he hated, but couldn't completely get rid off. The first place he's dying to run away from, but couldn't yield the strength to abandon. I remember my childhood, when I wondered why I couldn't succeed in building emotional connection with him.

When looking at his eyes felt like succumbing deeply into a dark, empty well. His scent is so foreign. Every night he sat by the window, staring vaguely into nothingness. My eagerness to jump into his head and swim into his deepest, darkest thoughts grew fonder day by day. To crack his hard shell and perhaps discern why of all things he could name me after, he chose to call me grief. I took all the blame from all of my failed attempts, I was only ten.

I guess, my father was a good person; not a good father, to me, and I couldn't blame him for that. Years later, I turned seventeen. I remember he came to beg my mom. He was dead drunk again, That was the first time I cried at the age of seventeen, yelled at mom to go ignore the bastard that made her go through the day with a shuffle, made her try to accept the pieces of father in me that made her wounds wet so many times, I remember cursing him in my head while giving punches on his face with tossing feelings, knowing I grew up with a piece of him inside of me made me feel sorry for my mom. One time he told me I meant the world to him just to proceed into apologizing as he couldn't offer me a piece of him because I've stolen so much of his sanity. That it wasn't my fault, but I have to understand that he didn't wish to be a father, but he tried his best? No.

I know my father was a good person; but not a good father to me, but can I blame him for that? Because how about me then? I did not ask for a life so lonely as this nor did I beg him to father me yet I took all the blame unwillingly. My bones, my breath, my blood, every single part of me wanted so much to scream my anger into his face and desperately ask him to unburden me the weight I have to bear just because I was his son. He betrayed me and I was so clueless on how to deal with it. Now, I'm twenty four, completely detached from him. But I still see his figure everywhere—He's not even dead yet. I'm a bad person, some people say that and I'm okay with that, I didn't born to impress everyone even the people I care about, I didn't label myself good, I'm not good enough, sorry for those closest to me who feel that, in me, you can gone.

I am valuable for my self, for people who love me without judging me when they are angry, so if you let me go you don't deserve everything about me, anymore. But I dismissed the fact that for many years I missed the person I once called father, I was 10 years old, a 4th grader who felt the loss of a father figure, I dismissed the fact that you had a heavy burden that you had to carry, I dismissed the fact that you loved us your children.

I dismissed the fact that you are a great man but not a good father. Hard to bear the role of head of the family huh? you put it on me too early, you made me the lowest standard of a man, still afraid to commit to a woman because mom said i look like you.

You came to me the day i was about to graduate from high school you tried to talk to me but i chose to silence you with fist you, i miss you. I need a father figure which I said is not good. sorry for closing my eyes about you, about you trying, always healthy, where are you now? did you sleep warm? father, mother was great she alone made me and fani able to grow into what it is today. come again, please come again.

[melodramatq]

for daughters who are difficult to love

i tried to write a poem about my mother, but i came away with scrawled half-metaphors that felt more like repressed memories than poetry, a distinction as vague as a mother’s love. i am a daughter a dozen times over to women who learned how to love me, and how powerful that is-- to be chosen purposefully, to be loved without obligation. i will never be my mother’s daughter, but i will be loved enough so that, someday, i can tell the ten-year-old named blame that lives in the black of my heart that she is not at fault. someday, i will tell her i love her, and i forgive her, and i will no longer feel guilty for being the daughter i was born as, instead of the daughter i have become.

--i am more than a definition. 

#my poetry #poetry #mothers #daughters #spilled ink #love #found family #i was an imperfect daughter to an imperfect mother #twenty years later i accept that it wasn't my fault #poems

[rayofsunas]

s/o who dies.

A/n: listennnn, I wasn't going to write something dark, but then I unregretfully decided to listen to edgy/dark audios and I was suddenly in the mood to write this so yeah lmao. also, guess what? I'm planning on making a discord server right after posting this! so, be on the lookout for that when I get it all sorted out. also, note for Scaramouche's that the reader inserts tend to lean more femininely versed (I hope that's okay), the only reasons why I do that is because one I simp and I'm female AND two since I am doing a mini-series for Scara, I've kind of based his imagines/fics around that universe (baby daddy universe). I haven't started his yet, but consider these part of that series' universe. anyways as always thank you for requesting anon and enjoy! <333

Summary: you die + how the boys cope afterward.

Parings: Albedo/Gn! Reader, Xiao/Gn! Reader, Scaramouche/Fem! Reader

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, poison, illness/cancer, murder, arson, obsessive behavior

Word count: 2.1k

Albedo

"You need to keep this on your head." Your lover said for the one-hundredth time, placing the cold cloth on your forehead once again after taking it off only seconds earlier.

"This is pointless," You said, no longer wanting to ignore nor hide behind the invisible thick curtains of the obvious death sentence approaching. "My body rejected the medicine the first twice doses, what's a third time going to do?" You asked, knowing Albedo wouldn't answer; your hope was to knock some sense into his thick skull. but he was too worried trying to ignore the obvious as you had previously been doing, not anymore though.

This was saddening to watch, both Albedo's unfolding and the girl who accidentally poisoned you, whimpering into Sucrose's shoulder. She was only a young girl, barely seventeen when she was chosen to work under Sucrose and your boyfriend. She was very good at Alchemy and luckily had a desire to practice the craft. But unfortunately, she hadn't paid much attention when it came to Surcrose's educational poison lesson and had unknowingly mixed up poisonous liquids and materials.

After tipping over some clutter in Albedo's office and knocking over a test tube laying unsealed on the counter, you had realized the contents spilled on your skin, bleaching into your pores. You had been tasked with bringing the famed alchemist and his assistant some vials and materials for the collection of a rare butterfly they had found. It was both telling and obvious that something was wrong when you never showed up with the required materials requested and it was already too late hours later when the chief Alchemist, his assistant, and Alchemist in training came bounding down the stairs of Albedo's home laboratory.

It didn't take long for the trio to realize something was wrong. Sucrose had found the vile on the floor, most of its contents spilled and in a little puddle, plus your state on a nearby lounge chair was obvious; slumped awkwardly, forehead visibly sweating, eyes closed, breathing raspily.

You accepted the first doses of the supposed nullifying medicine without hesitation, just wanting the numbing feeling to go away. But when it never kicked in you decided it would be best to save the medicine, because it wasn't working. Your time was coming.

"Since the medicine is taking immediate effect, you should try to get the contents out of your system," He said, reaching out for you. Badly you wanted to argue that the medicine wasn't working at all, but he wasn't listening and already has his lean arms wrapped around your middle, helping gently lift and guide you over to the sink.

You hear materials being shoved to the side and soon enough you had your head dangling over the sink, shaking hands gripping the metalled edge tightly. Soon enough, Albedo's hand was on your back rubbing up and down, hoping to comfort you, it wasn't working though. You could only think about your death, what the other side would look like. Could there even be heaven or hell, maybe a place in between, maybe nowhere...?

As soon as you felt the urge to vomit, you did, and despite it being utterly disgusting Albedo seemed to welcome it happily. He took this as something good, but it only worried you when you saw the reddish hues in the bile.

"I think they should leave." You muttered acknowledging Sucrose and Elizabeth, the taste of gooey, metal only becoming more apparent. The blonde agreed, nodding and muttering "Okay."

As Sucrose lead Elizabeth towards the stairs, the pair heard you say. "Goodbye Sucrose, Elizabeth." Which only seemed to make the young girl wail louder.

You sighed sadly once the silence was back. Just your thoughts of death, and Albedo's slowly crushing heart.

"You should probably leave soon as well. I don't want you to be here when I go." Albedo frowned at your statement, head shaking.

"Don't say things like that."

Of course, he'd say that. Why did he feel the need to ignore this when it would only come back to hurt him even more later on when you were gone?

"You're the smartest man I know and we both know where this is heading," You said, head feeling much heavier than before. It was getting closer to your time. "I'm going to die, and you can't do anything about it."

"I'm not leaving your side. We promised to stick together through everything, you can't ask me to leave."

"I guess... But promise me this."

"When I go, stop blaming Elizabeth. It was an accident..." You said sincerely. Albedo wanted to make a fuss about it, tell you he'd never been able to forgive her. But for you, he would try. If it was your list desire, your last wish, he'd make it come true. Though it would be difficult. Accidental or not, she was the reason you were leaving him here, alone.

"Okay, I'll try..." He said honestly.

"Thank you," You said, letting out a shaking breath you had been holding for a very long time. Now you felt much more peaceful. "And since I know you stubbornly won't leave," You started, finally turning away from the sink to look into his cerulean eyes. "At least hold my hand."

"Of course, love."

even a year after your death, no matter how hard he tried, there was still this nagging feeling every time he looked at Elizabeth

he wanted too badly forgive her, but he couldn't

she had, although accidental, taken the one person that meant so much to him and he'd never forgive

Albedo is gonna be distant towards everyone he knows and it's completely purposeful

he doesn't like the pitiful gazes that people send his way and he hates that all the captains stared at him at your funeral

obviously, some questioned if he was able to stay in the field

he hadn't taken any time off, even when Jean advised he was welcome and that it would be best

tbh, albedo's going to have a hard time for a while

Xiao

Why did it have to be you? Why not him? He'd feel much better knowing you could live another day, after all, he'd been living a very long time.

But no, the fallen Archons, Gods, Yaksha had chosen you to join them. He wished that weren't the case

Humans and their pathetic vessels... So weak, he thought. Allowing something like cancer to beat them.

No matter how harsh it sounded, he didn't despise you, no. It wasn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. He just knew that if you were a godly being this wouldn't have happened like this or at least not so soon; Xiao had known Gods that had terminal illnesses to live years. Why couldn't you be like them?

He hated watching you lie there in that bed, immobile, sickly, and tired, and all you could say was that everything was going to be alright, that he'd be alright.

But it wasn't. He wouldn't be okay without you. He would struggle daily, fall deeper into a hole. You were the light of his life, the only light in his life. And you were gone, just like that. Turning external scars into internal ones tattered all over his dying heart.

Xiao for the longest time has been by himself, so the people of Liyue know it'll be harder for him to overcome this, no matter what he says or does to prove otherwise

Zhongli in particular knows how hard this will be for his friend

his first and probably last love, dead, gone in the blink of an eye

he'll continue fighting all the monsters he crosses, becoming even more violent when he does so, trying his best to get rid of this stupid sickly feeling of heartbreak

but it won't go away, no matter what he does, no matter how absurd

he just wants the feeling to go away, he despises that feeling so much

if you have a secret place somewhere, like in the mountains, Zhongli often finds him there, wallowing in invisible self-pity

"You know they wouldn't want you to be like this." Zhongli would say, only trying to help

but it doesn't

it only enrages Xiao, even more, fuels him to push everyone out of his life again instead of letting them in like he'd done in your presence

Scaramouche

How dare you. How dare you leave him like this. Alone, nonetheless with a toddler to raise who kept crying for her mommy. He couldn't do this without you, he didn't know how to raise a child, speak to her with the gentle care that you did. That was your expertise but now he'd be doing it solo.

And never again would he entrust someone who he cares about, into ignorant, incompetent arms. Never again will he ever allow any member of the Fatui to watch after his daughter; no matter their rank or position. They had one job while he was away doing business in Liyue. Guard your home twenty-four seven, accompany you into Inazuma's port town should you need anything, watch after his daughter while she plays happily in the luscious Inazuma fields. And they couldn't do that. All he gave them was one simple task, watch and keep you and your daughter safe. Instead, they slacked off, probably drunk in some bar while you were being brutally attacked by murderous mercenaries, left to fend for you and your daughter, only to die protecting her and leave your home to be severely burned.

He knew those idiotic Fatui soldiers were incompetent the moment he stepped foot into the harbor and found that everyone seemed to quiet down. Especially the eerily silent soldiers flanked on each side to welcome him home; he was the highest-ranking soldier in the land of Inazuma after all. Not a single one bothered to step forward and tell him what was wrong, what they all criminally allowed happen. Scaramouche only realized what had happened when he was mere minutes away from arriving home, his daughter had come running from his widowed mother's arms, the sight of smoke rising in the air, from the direction of his home. You were nowhere to be seen.

It all happened so fast, in the blink of an eye. His daughter was clinging to his shirt and his mother only stared with tears of pity.

It didn't take long for the puzzle pieces to be put together and before he knew it, Scaramouche was standing in front of his home, part of it burnt to a crisp and black.

He didn't need to ask what happened, he didn't need to know where you were, because he already knew. What he didn't know was who exactly had done this. But he was going to find out, now.

Incompetent, selfish, bastards. They would all pay for this. The lazy piggish Fatui soldiers who he should've never trusted with such a simple task and the thieves who had murdered you. They all had it rightfully coming.

Scaramouche hates the world after he lost you

he hates it so much and can't understand how this had happened

he's not a good person, so he blames it on karma and those stupid idiots who couldn't protect you

ngl, he's not gonna be around much after your death... his mother would argue that he should be here to raise your daughter, because she's also in pain and doesn't understand that this isn't some game of hide and seek this time

instead, he's focused and driven by revenge

he doesn't listen to a word anybody says, he's much more dangerous than before, and he only trusts his judgment

anyone trying to get him to stop his mission, is someone who doesn't want to see him happy he thinks (though that's not true at all. they hate that he is obsessive over this) but he will personally put a stop to that

and he'll only return home to his daughter and mother when he finds who did this and they along with their bloodline is exterminated

while he's gone, the remainder of his family is relocated somewhere he knows they'll be safe, for example, even though he despises childe, he knows his mom and daughter will be safe with his family

sorry, but Scaramouche will hold this deep-rooted hatred and love for you after you die

yes, he still loves and misses you dearly, but he hates you for leaving him alone, hates that although it wasn't intentional and out of your control, that you were gone

no matter how hard you tried to fight, it was selfish of you to leave him like this

he's not going to stop until he believes whoever was behind this is dead

and in his case, he'll stop believing when he chooses, even if they are innocent/guilty, he'll keep going

3.19.21, rayofsunas

#rayofsunas #genshin impact #genshin impact imagines #genhsin impact scenarios #albedo #albedo x reader #xiao #xiao x reader #scaramouche #scaramouche x reader

[on-a-lucky-tide]

I saw another comment today about Geralt being required to grovel an apology to Jaskier for his behaviour on the mountain, and promise to "be better" and it got me thinking about how that could go.

Factor in Geralt as the man who thinks nice thoughts for a lover who regularly invades his mind/who he has a complex relationship with; a man who made the decision he makes after Rivia despite just deciding to finally live for himself... just. Geralt, the selfless, dry humoured hero who thinks he's worth absolutely nothing and is regularly treated that way.

What if Geralt did give Jaskier that grovelling apology so many fans think Jaskier is owed?

What if Geralt's sense of self-worth is so low (read: non-existent) that he agrees that it was all his fault? Everything?

And after he returns, cap in hand, and admits all his faults, all his fragilities and deficiencies, he just... gives in to everything Jaskier wants.

He says 'yes' to every demand and makes none of his own beyond Roach not carrying two people because she works hard enough. After all, wasn't he the bad friend?

Want me to escort you to that competition? Sure. Want me to sit and listen to you vent about people I don't even know? Want me to talk at length about a monster kill even though it causes me pain? Okay.

Jaskier wants intimacy, so Geralt gives it without even thinking, because he's quite used to using his body as a bargaining chip in relationships.

Jaskier says that Geralt needs to wear better clothes in the evenings as an off-handed comment, so Geralt goes without some potion ingredients to buy himself a new shirt. He hides the resulting alghoul wound from Jaskier and walks at Roach's side until it heals.

He's desperate to make up for everything he said and did. Because he was such a bad friend and Jaskier is clearly his best friend and knows what's best. Knows him best. That would be the only reason Jaskier talked over him for years.

At what point would it be enough?

I can foresee Geralt treading on eggshells because last time he let his emotions out, everyone he loved walked off. He can't have emotions. He can't feel things. That's what other people are allowed to do, but not Geralt.

Jaskier is allowed to be self-centered, arrogant, emotional, loud, hurt, angry. But Geralt? No. He has to be the stoic, brooding hanger-on. His trauma is only acceptable when it's quiet.

But Jaskier wants Geralt to talk to him.

And he tries desperately to talk, but he has to weigh every word, because he isn't sure it's what Jaskier wants to hear. Whenever he's with Jaskier, he's constantly weighing up the reaction to what he's just said in case it was the wrong thing.

Does he need to apologise again? How much? What magnitude of an apology? He has to stop himself apologising automatically when Jaskier looks displeased, because he knows it needs to be meaningful and he's not sure what he's done. He knows Jaskier will tell him later, so he'll wait, his shoulders tense, his jaw clenched, to be told off.

How would Jaskier deal with that?

My unsympathetic headcanon is that he'd revel in it for a while, and then realise something is amiss. It's deeper than Geralt being sorry

Sure. It's nice to have Geralt's full attention, but not with that spooked/wounded animal tension he carries.

It's nice to have Geralt at his side in all the banquets, but not so much when Geralt has to meditate for a full day to regain some equilibrium (and then apologises for wasting time).

Jaskier realises that his friendship with Geralt has broken. Geralt used to be himself around Jaskier; grumpy, tired, dry. Relaxed enough to take baths and grump and growl (whereas the rest of the world got his tight, emotionless mask).

But now, the Geralt he spent twenty years with is buried; instead, here stands the man that Geralt believes Jaskier wants. A 'yes man' that is wholly convinced he doesn't deserve a single iota of anyone's kindness, patience or understanding, not even his friend's.

The act is exhausting Geralt and it's making him more distant, even when they're in bed together (which he then apologises for again; after all, hasn't he promised to be better? Not being better if Jaskier is remotely unhappy with something).

The damage of a one-sided apology over a conversation is huge, and the thought of it makes me want to wrap Geralt up and protect him from the bard.

#Geraskier #Jaskier #Geralt #rawrkinwrites #allow Geralt his trauma #I kinda wanna put this into a whole fic #the recent release blind-sided me and I felt for Geralt all over again #angst #one-sided apology #low self esteem #canon-typical

[dear-alex-chill]

May we discuss Ducktales and Body Language, especially in 'Astro B.O.Y.D'?

I want to talk about Gyro throughout this episode and how he acts, specifically because I noticed something really interesting. His character development for both his own growth, and what we learn.

Let's start with the earliest example, a small detail. When 2BO first returned to evil, courtesy of Akita, Gyro immediately began hyperventilating. While it may not have been as severe as that of Donald in 'The Town Where Everyone Was Nice' it's still something to note to show how much of an impact this has on him. Just in Season 1 he dangled dangerously over the gold in Scrooges bin while Bulb went mad with power and had a lot of strength and sharp things he could use yet Gyro didn't shake or look this scared. He looked nervous yes, but not terrified.

Second one, the 'I have to do this for me'

We've all had that Atticus Finch/Kirby Finn/ most protagonists moment where you did something, not only to help a person in need, but because you had to do it to prove something to yourself. The same thing goes for Gyro here. You can watch as he says 'You save Gizmoduck, I've got to destroy 2BO' he takes a deep breath and does the hand movement thing where it's like you're convincing yourself of something. He's got to face his problems and last, he can't let people keep fixing it for him. He can't brush this off or ignore it, he's got to be the one to do it. Gyro in this scene must prove to himself that he's capable of this. Furthermore when his plans get changed by Huey, he needs a minute to realize he's not destroying 2BO (or in his mind, his greatest failure) he's stopping him. Which brings us to this,

The Blame for His Guilt.

All these years and it's shown that when 2BO destroyed the city, it appeared to be Gyros fault. Heck, there's a newspaper in Akita's hiding place that shows exactly that. When Gyros blame is changed from; 'I did this. This was all my fault and I've got to change it' (which is the mentality he's had for years) to 'I was the scapegoat. It wasn't my fault, I couldn't have controlled it.' That is something you really don't want to realize, it's much harder when the blame that's been set for years changes, and it's even worse when he realizes he couldn't have stopped it. That command was to be executed no matter what, Gyro couldn't change that. So he lashes out now. He angrily shouts and charges as it becomes clear that he's been burdened with guilt, stress, anxiety, and pressumably some PTSD (which we will discuss in a second) from this. The way he moves in this shot especially you can see the pain on his face and the anger in his body as he goes at Akita. He's believed for years that he caused the Tolkyolk Disaster. That he failed. That his inventions were evil which is why he later in life tries so hard to justify his inventions being good. Gyro realizes he's been carrying a burden with him for so long he never needed.

The Intern Habit Returns.

This is a tiny note but one I love seeing. Cinematic parallels. The moment Akita arrives Gyros acts the exact same way he did when he was an intern. Scared, gripping a rectangular thing that holds information, and cowering. All at the sight of Akita.

((I think it's safe to assume Akita was abusive))

Scared. This one was when Gyro saw Fenton on the ground, temporarily incapacitated. He's scared for him. It's really sweet to see him actually care and be scared for Fenton or anyone besides Bulb. It's growth.

This time when BOYD is hurtling dead at him and he's begging, pleading, for him. This is the first time, in twenty years, he's told BOYD he's real. Was he denying BOYD being real because he didn't want to accept that everything horrible had indeed happened? Or was he saying that by BOYD being 'definetly real' his inventions were good, His ideas were valid and he himself wasn't a bad person? Both of these ideas really work for Gyros character. It's known he struggles with self-doubt and it's also known he doesn't like what happened in Tolkyolk, so much so he only vaguely describes it at the start of the episode. It takes a flashback for us to fully find out what happened, that's how little he discusses it. When he throws himself infront of the same invention that destroyed an entire city, trying to reason with him. That's character development. That's Gyro stepping up and taking initiative and proving to everyone that he can fix his messes, he can do good, he is more than his reputation. And to anyone, that would be terrifying. It's scary to think of stepping up and putting yourself in danger just to protect those closest to him. Yet he does it anyway.

--------------

That's all for my analysis, please rb if you have more you want to add on or if there's other pictures/scenes you want analyzed!

#dt gyro #ducktales gyro #gyro gearloose #gyro ducktales #astroboyd #astro boyd #dt headcanons #dt17 #dt 2017 #dt analysis #ducktales 2017 #ducktales #ducktales boyd #dt boyd #astro b.o.y.d. #fenton crackshell cabrera #alex analyzing stupid stuff

[n1kolaiz]

"You want to know what death is? I'll tell you. Death is the loss of life. Despite everything doctors like me attempt... a patient's life can still fall through our fingers. You think death lies in the apex of science? Anyone with such little regard for life will die by my hand."

Character Analysis: Yosano Akiko

Age: 25 || Ability: Thou Shalt Not Die

BSD CHAPTER CHAPTER 65-66 SPOILERS

table of contents:

1. Author counterpart.

2. Yosano's history.

3. 'Angel of Death' defined.

4. Yosano and Atsushi.

YOSANO BRAINROT!*(#&!*@#($

1. Author counterpart.

Having been given the “Sho Ho” at birth, Yosano Akiko’s counterpart—the real-life author—was known for her zealous take on both feminism and pacifism.

Side note: Once again, to avoid confusion, I will use the name Sho Ho in reference to the real-life author, and Yosano in reference to the BSD character.

Sho Ho's writings were pretty much out-of-the-ordinary in her time, and despite being suppressed by the social norms of gender hierarchy, she sought to reform society’s view on the cultural perspectives of women and their sexuality (She expressed her love for a woman in one of her poems, but many still argued on whether she identified herself as queer or not.)

"Thou Shalt Not Die," Yosano's ability, is actually named after one of Sho Ho's most famous, controversial poems. She wrote it for her brother, who was a soldier in the war between Russia and Japan (1904-1905). In her poem, she expressed her general distaste for war and how her brother was a part of it.

O my young brother, I cry for you Don't you understand you must not die! You who were born the last of all Command a special store of parents' love

Would parents place a blade in children's hands

Teaching them to murder other men Teaching them to kill and then to die? Have you so learned and grown to twenty-four?

- excerpt from Sho Ho's poem, "Kimi Shinitamou Koto Nakare"

Her words were blunt enough to inflict guilt on her brother's conscience, as she wasn't afraid to express her disapproval over how her brother took part in the typical violent bloodshed and manslaughter of war. Such opinions perturbed the authorities, and her work was eventually banned from the public for a period of time. Later on, it was used as an anti-war statement.

2. Yosano's history.

Now, as for the character in BSD, Yosano is seen to be generally strong-willed, and later on, we see that she is terrifyingly compassionately ambitious in the way she treats her patients. She treasured life itself, and hated the thought of losing a patient.

Yosano had developed her relations with Mori Ougai back in the Great War, when she was just 11 years old. Her ability was a great benefactor in saving lives. Realistically speaking, she was used for her ability to heal injured soldiers and diminish the effect of any casualty acquired.

Initially, she wasn't aware of this, until one of her close friends pointed it out by subtly accusing Mori of manipulating her to participate in the War under the close-to false pretence of 'saving lives.'

As much as her ability did save lives, it also forced soldiers to return to the frontlines and suffer injuries over and over again. The soldiers were never given the opportunity to return to their families because of her ability. This obliged them to carry on in the war without any excuse, inserting them into a vicious cycle they had no escape out of.

Metaphorically speaking, Yosano's hatred for Mori sort of mirrors Sho Ho's disdain for war and fighting, don't you think? The way Kafka materialised Yosano's past was quite interesting because he used chapters 65 and 66 to explain Yosano's dislike for Mori, reflecting how Sho Ho used her poem to explain why she condemned the idea of war and how her brother was part of it.

Before the effect of her ability was fully understood, however, every soldier praised and thanked her for what an angel she was. One of the soldiers she had befriended and gotten close to even kept a tally of the number of times she had saved him. He was the one who gifted her the butterfly hairpin she wore all the time.

The weight of the truth that her ability was a curse rather than a blessing fully dawned on her when her soldier friend ultimately committed suicide, because the fact of being indefinitely trapped in the throes of war agonised him until his spirit gave out. This drove Yosano to loathe her ability, or rather, how it was used.

In the time she participated in the War, Yosano was given the alias 'angel of death' due to the control she retained over the battlefield, but I thought that perhaps Kafka had a reason behind giving her this title, so I did my research.

3. 'Angel of Death' defined.

Side note: I wouldn't want to disrespect any culture or religion, so if my citations are inaccurate and/or disrespectful, do feel free to correct me/let me know! I did research out of pure curiosity, and I don't intend to twist the significance of any of the interpretations.

I had to grow up learning about the basics of religious stuff, so it's kind of nice to study something out of the box, and very much against my father's rigid belief system :D

ARCHANGEL ARIEL

(archangel: an angel of higher rank)

I came across the few characteristics of angels/goddesses and their roles, and the one which really caught my attention was the female archangel, Ariel, the angel of nature.

[ source ]

In Hebrew, the name Ariel means 'altar' or 'lioness of God,' and her role is to heal. In addition to that, she is also recognised as a helper to another one of the seven main archangels, Raphael, whose role is to provide physical and emotional healing, too.

She is the protecter of the environment and the animals therein, and is bestowed with the duty to oversee the order of heavenly bodies as well as earth's natural resources. She assures the sustenance of food, water, shelter, and supplies of human beings, much like how a nurse is to a patient I suppose.

In relation to Yosano, I think this part is pretty self-explanatory, or perhaps this is blown out of proportion HA, so take this as a suggestion rather than a fact, because I'd like to believe that Kafka had a reason for giving Yosano a title as such.

In the past, I've come across the angel of death only to perceive it as a female grim reaper of some sort, so it was pretty cool to find that the word 'angel' and 'death' made up a title of a someone like Ariel, one of the purest forms of humility and compassion.

GREEK GODDESS PANAKEIA

For my beloved (wannabe/or not) students of Greek mythology (much like myself, let's make a cult!), you've probably heard of Panakeia, the goddess of healing. Medicine finds most of its vital significance in Greek history, and in its mythology, Panakeia is actually known for her ability to heal any kind of sickness.

[ source ]

Her name means 'panacea,' which is actually defined as a remedy for all diseases. Terminal diseases and injuries lead to death, right? This would bring us back to Yosano's ability to nullify any injury's effects on a person, keeping them from death itself.

Now, we know that in order for Yosano's ability to work, her patient, or victim, has to be in a near-death condition in order for her treatment to take effect. This can't exactly fit into the description of resurrection, but it can be described as some sort of rebirth.

GREEK GODDESS PERSEPHONE

So another goddess which reminds me of Sho Ho/Yosano, is Persephone, the goddess of spring and rebirth. Before Hades, the god of the underworld, fell in love with Persephone to take her to live with him, Persephone lived a happy life.

Hades, with his nature of darkness and the like, was captivated by how pure Persephone was, and stole her away from her former life to live in an environment which differed sharply from her natural aura of purity.

[ source ]

Remember when Yosano's friend left a note behind before he killed himself? The note said nothing except for, "You are too righteous." Take that as you will, but figuratively speaking, you could say Mori takes the role of Hades in the story, while Yosano can be portrayed as Persephone.

Sho Ho can also be a parallel of Persephone, in that she had to adapt to the realities of war and disharmony, while Persephone had to adapt to the raw darkness of the underworld with Hades.

Sho Ho stood against society's norms and decided to reform it, making her one of the most well-known feministic pacifist in history, while Persephone managed to escape from the underworld to return to her former position, earning the title the 'Bringer of Life,' or the 'Destroyer of Death.'

Furthermore, the way Sho Ho's anti-war poem took its effect later on, reflects the way Persephone restored balance in the world after returning from the underworld.

4. Yosano and Atsushi.

chapter 66; Yosano: "It's my fault that those close to me died... Is there some place where it's okay for me to live?"

chapter 8; Atsushi: "If I have any chance of saving them all, of returning them home safely, would that mean it's okay for me to keep on living?"

I couldn't help but think of Dazai and Atsushi back when I was reading through these panels. Ranpo (my beloved), along with Fukuzawa, accepted Yosano as she was, despite how her ability was a cause of despair and misfortune.

Ranpo looked past her mistakes and the entirety of how dark her past was to welcome her into the Armed Detective Agency. Dazai, on the other hand, knew who Atsushi was and what his ability had made him do before anyone else, and still decided to provide a safe place for Atsushi to find his sense of belonging, journeying with him as he learned to use his ability properly.

For more info about Dazai and Atsushi's dynamic, you can check out the analysis I did for Dazai :D

Atsushi desired to save people to prove his right to live, while Yosano made her wish to achieve the recovery of all her patients the reason for her existence.

Others would prefer to accuse both Yosano and Atsushi of having a saviour complex, but the reason why they pursued to save people with utmost dedication, stems from the nature of what their past was like. You know the saying 'from broken to beautiful?' Yeah, it's something like that.

The way their pasts were written out gave them a desire to change, which was, I daresay, initiated by the people who took them in: Ranpo and Dazai. Their abilities were demonised because of how they were used, but once they broke from their abilities' effect over their lives, they honed their skills to control them for the right cause instead.

In a less cynical point of view, I believe both Yosano and Atsushi stood for what was right, and wanted nothing but to achieve peace and harmony in whatever way they could, even if it meant risking their own lives to save others.

So yeah, that's it for my rants today. Thank you for reading, and if you have anything to add, go ahead! I'm open to discussions ;)

#bsd #bsd atsushi #bsd yosano #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd characters #bsd analysis #literature analysis #bsd abilities #bsd anime #bsd manga #bungo stray dogs atsushi #bungou stray dogs atsushi #bungou stray dogs yosano #bsd dazai #bsd mori #bsd ranpo #character analysis #.daydreams

[slyttherins]

Quidditch camp (part 2) | Fred Weasley x Reader

Summary: You and Fred attend quidditch camp like every summer, but, this year, there’s been a mistake in the cabin and rooming situations. In other words, they’re short of bed and you and Fred will have to share.

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Reader

Word count: 1800

-

You hadn't talked to - or even looked at - Fred since the kiss.

Once you pulled away from the kiss, you had made a beeline for the bathroom, no longer caring that there was no hot water. A cold shower would do you good - and it was apparently very beneficial for the skin.

Anything to not be in the same room as him.

At supper, you sat with Angelina and Katie. You talked about the afternoon training session, which will cause your legs to ache in the morning and the latest gossip going around in the girls' cabin. Apparently, a girl had snuck into Cedric Diggory's cabin last night - according to Angelina the suspect was Cho Chang - and Madam Hooch was furious.

Most importantly, you didn't tell them what happened at the cabin.

Unconsciously, as Katie was telling you about a new broomstick trick she learned this afternoon, your eyes drifted to the redhead Beater - and the kiss you had shared. The same kiss that had left you wanting more.

Although Fred was three tables away from you, you could still feel his hands on you, strong and firm but not too rough, smell his woody soap and hear the soft sounds of appreciation leaving both your mouths as his warm tongue slipped past your lips and easily found yours. You couldn't believe you had let it escalate to that. At least no clothes had been removed - Fred was just in his shorts, but it still counted.

.

After supper, you left and went to your cabin, faking a headache. You'd usually follow the girls to their cabin and hang out until curfew, but not tonight. You needed time to think and, most importantly, get your mind off of Fred Weasley. Perhaps reading a book would help?

That didn't work for long because the twins walked in the cabin less than twenty minutes later, laughing about some prank they had pulled on one of the younger campers.

''It was brilliant, Freddie! Who knew Chambers could scream that high pitched,'' George said, talking about the prank.

''That image is forever engraved in my mind. Spiders! Spiders! They're gonna get in my pants!'' Fred mocked, imitating Chambers. ''It was hilarious.''

''How did you find so many spiders?''

''There's a whole colony behind Ron's cabin. I lured them into a cup and-'' Fred stopped himself when seeing you on the bed, his mood dropping and changing.

''Hey, Y/N,'' George greeted with a smile, going to his side of the cabin. ''You're here early.''

''I wasn't feeling good. I think it's the heat,'' you explained. If you were consistent with your lie and told everyone the same thing, no one would suspect it was a lie.

''Well, get some rest. Tomorrow's game day. We play against the Phoenixes.'' George fished for his toiletries and slung his towel on his shoulder. ''I'm gonna shower.'' He looked between you and Fred. ''Try to not kill each other while I'm in there, alright?''

Fred sat on his brother's bed and waited until the shower was running to speak. ''So...are we going to talk about it?''

''Talk about what?'' you asked, faking ignorance.

Fred gave you a stern look. ''Don't play that game, Y/L/N.''

You sighed. Forgetting it happened would've been so much simpler.

It's not like the kiss meant anything. It was just that, a kiss. There was no need to make a fuss about it.

''There's nothing to talk about.'' You closed your book and stood, slipping on your shoes and headed outside for a walk.

''Where are you going? I thought you had a headache.''

''I do, but hearing your voice makes it worse.''

.

The match against the Phoenixes was not going well.

McLaggen was sick, therefore he was sitting out this one, which left his keeper position to one of the younger - and less skilled, campers. Much to their bad luck, the young boy had let in five goals in a row. Five! He was probably nervous for his first time on the field, but five goals was a lot of points.

You were scheming the field, trying to spot the snitch, but, much to your luck, the only thing in your vision field was Fred's abs - which was distracting. To your defense, it was Fred's fault for bringing the bottom of his quidditch jersey up to his face to wipe away sweat. The little fucker also purposely flexed his abs a little every time he did it. You tried to look away, but those abs were difficult to look away from. Damn you, Fred Weasley!

Fred's exibitionist manners caused you to miss the snitch and, by the time you had snapped out of your staring, Cho had caught the snitch.

.

''Maybe McLaggen is right. Maybe we should fuck,'' Fred declared after the match, removing his protective gear.

You almost sputtered your water all over yourself. ''Excuse me?'' you asked, hoping you had heard wrong.

''You and me. We should fuck.''

A laugh left your lips. ''Did a bludger hit your head?''

''You were looking at me, weren't you? That's why you didn't see the snitch.'' A smug smile curled on his face. ''Do you have a crush on me, Y/L/N?''

''Wow, that bludger must've hit your head really hard, uh?''

''I'm not going to tell the team...if you accept to have sex with me.''

What?! You couldn't believe what you were hearing.

''Are you blackmailing me into having sex with you? You know that's sextortion, right?''

Fred shook his head. ''No. I'm saying, it's been proven that sex raises endorphins and other hormones that boost mood. Perhaps if we release those good hormones we won't be at each other's throat and picking fights during games...or staring at the other. It would be for the team's sake.''

You scoffed. ''The team's or your dick's sake?''

''I'm being serious, Y/N. Think about it.''

.

The time had been set. Friday, during the campfire, while everyone's attention would be occupied, you and Fred would slip to your shared cabin and...do it.

You didn't want to let it get to your mind, but it was all you could think about throughout the day. While the plan could work and ease the tension between you two, there was a possibility that the sex would go wrong - or be bad - and make things worse inside the team. You were also worried that it would be awkward afterward or that Fred would tell everyone.

During seeker training, you weren't flying your best. Madam Hooch had noticed that your mind was elsewhere and questioned you about it. You lied about not getting enough sleep the night prior and vowed to not stress yourself over tonight.

It was only a big deal if you made it one, right? To prove yourself, you didn't dress special - other than matching your underwear to your bra. It was just Fred, you didn't need to impress him. You didn't even put on lipgloss!

You started with kisses, slowly getting comfortable with each other, but quickly wanting more. His ginger hair smelled of smoke from the campfire and his lips tasted something sweet - roasted marshmallows. You hummed, slipping your hands under his shirt, feeling the curves of his abs and back. Merlin, you loved those.

''Did you lock the door?'' you asked, not wanting to be walked in on by any of your cabin buddies.

Fred hesitated and you sighed, going to lock it yourself.

When you returned to Fred, he had discarded his shirt, leaving him shirtless and you had to hold yourself back from biting your lip. Damn, that body.

Seeing as it was unfair that he was the only one who had taken off clothes, Fred helped you take off your top. You should've felt exposed, but it wasn't the first time he saw you in a bra and it wasn't much different than bikini tops, right? But, this bra was a little sexier than the sports bra you usually wore and, by the look Fred was giving you and your body, he didn't hate it.

''Ohh, I didn't know you owned other things than sports bras, Y/L/N,'' he teased, gliding the pad of his finger on the edge of the black lace.

You swatted him and he laughed.

His lips found their way back to yours, hands exploring each other's bodies. You felt the backs of your legs hit his bed and fell back onto it due to a not-so-gentle shove from Fred. You narrowed your eyes, but Fred joined you, crawling on top of you.

Small moans left your lips as he kissed the side of your neck and your hands went to his hair, keeping him there. He was probably going to give you a bruise and it could be a bitch to cover up, but you'll worry about that later.

No. No more kisses. You were running tight on time.

You snapped out of your bubble and pulled Fred off of your neck. If you wanted to be finished before anyone realized you two had vanished from the campfire, you needed to get straight to business and not fool around too much.

Sparing you both some time, you arched your back off of the mattress and unclasped your bra, throwing it somewhere in the room. You took a mental note to pick it up later to not give Oliver another reason to complain about sharing his cabin with a girl.

As you laid there, topless under Fred, the boy couldn't help but stare at your breasts, hunger in his eyes. He bit his lip and covered them both with his large hands, thumb brushing against one of your nipples, watching it harden.

''Weasley! Less ogling, more fucking. We don't have all night.''

.

''If you talk to anyone about this-'' you warned, pulling on your denim shorts and buttoning the button.

Fred emerged from the bathroom, having discarded the proof of your sexual intercouse at the bottom of the trash to cover your tracks. You couldn't let any of the boys see the used condom.

He scoffed. ''Don't flatter yourself, this was nice, but I'd rather no one knows.''

Was he embarrassed of having slept with you? It couldn't be. It was his idea - technically it was McLaggen's - to have sex.

''Because, you know, we'd get in trouble if Madam Hooch found out,'' he continued explaining, slipping on his shirt and running his hand through his hair to fix them.

Yeah, sure. That was the reason.

Everyone knew having sex on campsite was strictly forbidden and had great consequences - aka, sitting out matches - if Madam Hooch found out, but that didn't stop campers from sneaking around and doing it.

''I mean, it was fun, but you're not worth sitting out matches for.''

#fred weasley #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley fic #quidditch camp #harry potter #harry potter prompts #this one is a bit shorter but there WILL be a part 3

[siimjaeyun]

00: Welcome

Synopsis: it is part of human nature to be flawed and imperfect, maybe even vengeful when things don't go their way, and when seven boys find themselves in power to show those who are wrong that actions come with consequences, will they choose to keep their immortality?

note: mentions of of blood, and wounds

masterlist

---------------

Jay and Sunghoon grew up as normal half siblings- they had never met their shared father so their bond came as a surprise to most people.

If you were to ask them about their childhood, they would talk about the fun memories with their mom or the time they went on a road trip in the summers of elementary.

"Mom's been kind of nervous these past days, I guess they're not doing a good job at hiding their feelings about my 18th birthday." Sunghoon commented nonchalantly while scrummaging through the kitchen cabinets.

Jay answered nothing-afraid of the news that would unravel in a few days on his birthday.

On that late December day, a red shadow visited Sunghoon in his sleep and so when he woke on his 18th birthday, he was no longer the human persona he used to know.

-----

It had been seven years since their 18th birthday: lost memories and immortality had plagued them.

They hadn't chosen the life they were forced live: much less when it came with hefty price.

Their mothers had lost their memories of them: the side effect of immortality. With no family besides their newly welcomed father, it was the two of them against the human condition. They never understood the entirety of their supposed job. "Make humans face consequences," wasn't of much help.

All they ever understood was that they were never the one's responsible for the downfall of the individual.

-----

It was now ten years since their 18th birthday.

Ten years of observing from the shadows and watching as groups of friends, family and strangers destroy themselves until death. The body count of those lost had slipped their minds completely.

But today was different. While exiting their most recent school, they encountered two bodies on the paved cement. They knew the two boys: it was Heeseung and Jake, a pair of brothers.

Except they were dead.

When they came closer, their bodies were covered in several stab wounds and pools of blood had collected by their sides. Maybe it was the sympathy as fellow brothers, or the flaming instinct that their father had warned them of, but they pierced their own skin, dropping the red liquid into the mouths of the brothers.

Ten minutes later, and they were alive once more.

-----

[PRESENT DAY]

It had been fifteen years since their 18th birthday.

For Jake and Heeseung, it was five years since they had gained their own immortality. When they awoke that day, they remembered the trauma of being murdered by their own friends, and never expected to live to see another day.

Together, it had been another five years of understanding their job, knowing too well where to find the next person at their school.

Meanwhile, three boys prepared for their new day of school. Riki, Jungwon, and Sunoo. Three cousins who were forced to move to a new school under their parents switching to a new company.

Nervous glances, sweaty palms, and a rush of nausea represented how terrified they were to enter. As they stepped foot into the school, they immediately apologized to the group of four immortals entering for bumping into them.

The four immortals had found it amusing and an odd instinct drove them to watch them from a far. The way they bowed their heads slightly. The way girls would line up outside the classroom window to watch them. The way they could observe the envy growing on the faces of the previous three popular boys, losing their social place due to the fresh faces.

They weren't concerned with the well being of riki, jungwon, or sunoo. At first anyway.

When the basketball triplets had lost their income of fan mail, gifts, and hook ups was when an alarm rang within them.

Three hours later and the three new boys, sunoo, jungwon and riki were found covered in red and unconscious on the side of the road. The same instinct ran through them, and they once more dropped their own red blood into their mouths.

-----

Twenty minutes later and they found themselves in a blank white room. Remembering what had occurred minutes prior, they looked around and found themselves in tact.

"Jungwon, riki! Wake up!" Sunoo shook them slightly until they woke. At the same time, one of the immortal boys walked in with a tray of snacks and water.

"Take this, it'll help." They accepted the food hesitantly seeing as they just stared at them.

"Where are we?" Jungwon asked between mouthfuls.

"It's my temporary home, or well our new home given your new condition." He responded.

"I'm Jay by the way."

"But we were dead. I remember. We got ran over by the car earlier." Riki still looked at them, terrified almost.

"I know. We saw you get ran over, but we brought you back. So, you're welcome." Jay said sarcastically.

"You did tell them that they're immortal right?" Sunghoon had now stepped into the room, sipping on a glass of orange juice.

"We're what!?" They all screamed in shock.

"Immortal. We'll explain more tomorrow so get some rest." The doors closed but not before Sunghoon could get another word.

"Sleep tight and remember, nothing is ever your fault," at last the doors closed leaving them to think in dark silence.

-----

rubynote: ajnss yay I finally wrote the first chapter! This chapter is a lot shorter since it's more of an introduction :)

(taglist open)

#enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #heeseung #jungwon #sunghoon #enhypen jake #enhypen jay #enhypen riki #kpop ff

[kickingitwithkirk]

Greetings From Austin

Pairing: Alpha!Jensen Ackles x Alpha!Jared Padalecki x Omega!OFC

Summary: Jensen and Jared are at odds over a monumental decision that changes their lives in a way they couldn’t have envisioned.

Word Count: 2616

Warnings: a/b/o, homophobia, bisexuality, biphobia, angst, cursing, self doubt, depression/anxiety, medical stuff, sexual dysfunction, infertility

*additional warnings to be added in future parts.

A/N: Here we go again with one my weird as hell dreams, series Inspired by this art.

A/N II: There is no intentional hate or malevolence intended towards any of the Ackles or Padalecki families. This is a purely fictional piece containing real and created persons/names/events set in the fictional A/B/O verse. Some dates/events altered to fit story.

*no beta-all mistakes are mine

*divider by @writeyourmindaway​​​​​​​

*images found online

Prologue

Austin, TX

Mid July

“Babe,” Jensen softly says in a low voice to the person seated next to him in the waiting room, “Babe,” he says a bit louder, still getting no response. Leaning close, he blows into their ear.

Jared starts, his “what” muffled by the finger he’s been chewing on.

“You know you can’t do that, don’t want you getting sick.” Taking his hand Jensen pulls it away from his pretty pink lips, gently caressing the finger. Jared had finally stopped chewing on his hands when Covid-19 became widespread.

“Where’s your gum?” Jared bite his lip not answering.

Sighing, Jensen shifts retrieving his pack and hands a piece to him. “What’s got you masticating again?” He inquires as Jared pops the stick in his mouth.

Jared chews the gum nervously weighing how to answer the question knowing Jensen won’t accept anything less than the whole truth. “What if something goes wrong again because of me.”

Jensen’s brow furrowed. He learned years ago that while their relationship is one of equals, he had to be lead Alpha when Jared’s mental state overwhelmed him as it had the last few weeks.

***

After the public announcement in March 2019 that season fifteen would be Supernaturals last, they had agreed when finished with the pickups they would take an extended break, return to Austin and concentrate on their marriage.

Jared intended to stop acting indefinitely, pursuing other interests and Jensen wanted to concentrate on his music.

Of course, things didn’t quite end up how they planned.

Jared entered negotiations to star in the Walker, Texas Ranger reboot, along with being an executive producer. Jensen got a call from Kripke wanting him for the role of Soldier Boy in The Boys third season.

But by March of 2020, everything came to a halt thanks to the Corona-virus.

The shutdowns left Supernaturals final two episodes with no definitive filming date and their seemingly never ending last season put their other projects on hold.

For the first time in years they had the luxury of a leisurely schedule, not having to be somewhere on a timetable, they could communicate with friends and family uninterrupted, deal with their other businesses, charities, etc, leaving most days free to enjoy being together without constraint.

But even amazing, awesome, vigorous sex on every horizontal/vertical surface that could support the two big Alphas only filled so many hours and like many couples, they started getting each others nerves and looked for other ways to stay occupied.

By late May, Jared was unable to sleep or eat, even going out of the house became a chore. When he hit a consecutive fourth day in bed, Jensen bodily dragged him into the bath for a desperately needed shower and loaded him in his truck driving to his doctor's.

Upon checking in they were told patients only allowed in the facility. Jared started panicking, saying he was having chest pains and couldn’t breath. He was rushed in with Jensen hot on their heels after morphing into an overprotective Alpha mate no one was stopping.

Jared’s doctor deduced with the lock-downs prohibiting him from his routine checkups and periodic adjustments needed to his medications triggered this episode.

The first step was to wean him off his current prescriptions and change to a newly approved, alternative regime. He was checked in a facility for ten days under observation while detoxing off his meds.

His therapist switched his twice weekly tele-counseling sessions to daily for the foreseeable future and Kodas certification as an emotional support animal was approved. His progress was slow but he was returning back to his sweet natured, big hearted, exceptionally tactical, overgrown puppy self.

When the surprise call from the clinic came a few days ago about an appointment opening, Jensen initially didn’t want it, still in his overly excessive protective Alpha mode. Jared’s outburst made him relent, fearing they were on a collision course for a major setback if he didn’t.

And Jensen, being Jensen, went overboard to ensure the appointment was absolutely private.

Part I

Jared was about to speak when a woman in scrubs called out, “Mr. Bonham and Mr. Page.” they got up crossing over to her, “Hello, I’m Sissy, Dr. Rodgers nurse, please follow me.”

They pass through the doorway leading through a maze of halls like that of any other medical clinic except this one specialized in a very specific service.

The nurse opens a door near the back of the clinic gesturing for them to enter the spacious office, “Please have a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly.” She closed the door and they sat down in the pair of chairs directly in front of the large, dark mahogany desk.

Jensen, scenting Jared’s nervousness, lifts his right hand kissing his palm, making him chuckle at the tickle of Jen’s soft beard before twining their fingers together and setting them on his left thigh, smiling reassuringly.

There was a brief knock before the door opened and an older, silver haired Beta entered. “Hello, I’m Dr. Rodgers, how are we doing today?” He asks, moving to his chair behind the desk.

Jared gave him a tight smile and Jensen remained placid.

The doctor raises an eyebrow, “Relax Mr. Page, this is just a visit to go over the paperwork before deciding about how we proceed, not the Spanish Inquisition.” Jared releases his held breath but couldn’t completely calm himself.

“I know the process can be overwhelming but I must ask, is there something we’ve done to make you uncomfortable?” Dr. Rodgers inquires.

“No, everyone’s been really nice, very professional. It’s just we..we had issues the first time we attempted to do this.” Jared finished his sentence quietly, in the recess of his mind; something bad is gonna happen and it’ll be my fault.

Jensen squeezes his hand tighter, instinctively sensing Jared’s mind was trying to spiral again, “When tried this before someone leaked our plans to the media. It wasn't ever proven the clinic was involved but...”

“We do everything possible to keep our clients anonymity protected here. All of our staff have been thoroughly vetted and sign NDA, given your professions, you're familiar with how they work. Your real identities will remain completely confidential, even if you choose to not proceed. It is why you chose this particular clinic, yes?”

“Yes, it is.” Jensen replied.

“How about we get this bit of paperwork out of the way, then we can have a more relaxed visit. I’ve gone over the applications you both submitted and have noted a few discrepancies in the medical section that need clarification before we proceed,” He opens the top file, “Mr. Bonham, why did you omit Genu Varum from your medical history?”

Jensen kept his expression neutral as he felt his stomach automatically clench. He had been mercilessly teased throughout his childhood about his bowed legs by his older brother Josh and later his buddies from school when they’d come over to hang out. By the time he was in high school Jensen’s extraordinary looks and personality were what got people’s attention first. Nowadays, many a fanfic waxed poetic about those bowed legs.

“The questionnaire inquired about inherited genetic medical conditions and since mine isn’t, I didn’t think it was necessarily applicable.” Jared hears an edge creeping into Jensen’s voice and gives their tangled fingers a quick squeeze.

“Did you see an orthopedist and were they able to determine what caused the condition? Did they suggest any surgical procedures or therapies to straighten your legs?”

“I was born a preemie, the orthopedists my parents consulted decided my condition was attributable to that.” Jensen replies tersely, dropping his vocal range. Jared gripped his hand harder, telling him to cool the attitude. “The doctor didn’t recommend surgery but sent me to physical therapy, thought it would help them straighten as I grew.”

“So no others in your immediate family have this issue?”

“Everyone my family has straight legs, including my three children.”

Jared piped in, “He hates it but he does have an exercise regimen; stretching, strength training. Oh, he also takes several different vitamins, omega oils, turmeric and extra vitamin D to support his joints.” They watched the doctor scribble a few more notes in the file before closing it.

“Mr. Page,” Jared sits up straighter in his chair, “I appreciate that you went into detail about your mental health status. I see you’ve recently been hospitalized, your medications have been changed to an alternative regiment and you’ve also increased your therapy sessions?”

Jared’s interview continued for another twenty minutes as Dr. Rodgers questioned him in depth about his depression and anxiety, feeling said anxiety ratcheting up so he focused on Jensen’s thumb rhythmically moving over his hand and used every ounce of his acting skills to appear confident and in control.

Dr. Rodgers closed his file, “I only have a few general questions left then we can discuss how you wish to proceed.”

After a more relaxed, genial conversation with the doctor, Sissy took them to a couple private rooms with paraphernalia to help stimulate them into producing a couple semen samples.

Jensen was getting close to finishing with his favorite spank-bank fantasy when he felt Jared’s frustration across their bond.

~~~

Jared couldn’t get aroused.

He felt as useless as his flaccid cock.

His doctor warned him that loss of sex drive could be a possible side effect of his new regiment until his body adjusted to it. He had struggled with temporary impotence a few times on his old meds, always fearful Jensen would finally see him as undesirable, no longer a satisfactory mate.

Rationally, he knew it was his illness causing these exceptionally hard to deal thoughts recently and the nagging idea this wasn’t the right thing for them to attempt again continually kept creeping in.

Jensen’s unspoken reluctance about having more children at his age was also weighing on his conscience, warring against his own biological longings.

They had a humongous argument when he told Jensen about taking the appointment. Jen thought this was the wrong time to attempt it again, pointing out he was just getting his equilibrium back setting Jared went off on a rant about how he no longer wanted him and would leave him like Genevieve had because he was too broken to deal with anymore.

Unmitigated anguish was written across Jensen’s beautiful features, the very notion that Jared could conceivably believe that he’d ever abandon him made his soul hurt in such a way no verbal language on earth could ever express his devastated feelings traveling across their bond.

***

Everything they’d been through; from that bar fight solidifying their friendship, Jared’s first breakdown, the years of living as roommates while secretly a couple to finding wives who understood their unique relationship and still married them both in 2010.

The joyous arrival of JJ three years later that unfortunately exacerbated Genevieve's frustration of not being able to conceive coming out with a vengeance at Jared. His unexpected breakdown in Switzerland was the final nail in their marriage. Gen was there for him but in the end it was all too much and she filed for divorce.

Shortly after, Jared’s iCloud account was hacked. It was believed, but never conclusively proven, that Gen was behind it since her lawyer was trying to break their prenuptial agreement, the videos documenting his private and explicit sexual relationship with Jensen were legally considered adulterous. In the end, the court upheld the legal document but the ramifications...

They were summoned to L.A. for the meeting from hell with WB executives, both convinced it was the end of Supernatural and their careers.

After the reaming out, they each received a weeks pay suspension to cover some of what it was gonna cost PR in time and money to deal with the inevitable repercussions and placate the show's sponsors.

How would the show’s fans react? Would they still be able to accept them as brothers only on TV while in real life they were involved in a highly stigmatized relationship?

When they returned to work there was an atmosphere of tension that hadn’t existed before. It was an open secret that all shows had their share of bitchiness and backstabbing behind the scenes. Jensen may have the thicker skin, keeping tighter control on his emotions, but Jared knew it hurt him just as deeply the loss of some of their friends because of prejudicial, social beliefs that two Alpha males shouldn’t be involved.

Jensen’s parents showed up unexpectedly in Vancouver a few weeks later. What started out as a not quite comfortable visit quickly deteriorated with his religiously conservative parents. They had not raised him like this and blamed Jared, saying he had corrupted him, leading him into a sinful lifestyle. He needed to repent and return to his wife to whom he had made a commitment before god.

Jensen blew up, replying it was none of their business, it was between them and oh, yeah, Danneel knew about them before marrying him and they better not say anything to her. Without another word his parents left. When he later called them to make amends, his mother coolly stated that he was no longer part of their family and to never contact them again.

Three months after the twins were born in 2016 came the finalization of Jensen’s divorce from Danneel, painful but congenial. They easily agreed on joint custody and still spent most holidays together. Jensen gave Dani financial security in their settlement, he wanted to make sure she didn’t have to worry about working again unless she wanted to.

All these years later, Jared continually has nagging thoughts that they had let everybody down. They received support when they publicly came out as bisexual then lost some of it when they married, being mocked for not coming out as gay.

***

There was another knock at the door and Jared ignored it, it was that nurse checking on his lack of progress again. The knock turned into pounding, “Jared, open this door now dammit!” He flinched realizing Jensen knew what was going on with him. Releasing the privacy latch and opening the door a crack he saw concerned green eyes only.

“Sorry, I thought you were that nurse,” he stepped away and sat back down as Jensen came in and re-latching it behind him. “She came to get me when you stopped answering,” Jensen said, walking over to him and started running his thick fingers through his husband’s long hair, “what’s going on babe?”

He glances up knowing that Jensen already knew, “It’s okay Jay, take as long as you need.” He paused at the unpleasant scent wafting around him. “If you’d be more comfortable we could do this at home…” Jared shakes his head, “There’s the risk of damage, contamination and or not able to get it back in time that could make the semen unusable.” Jared quotes from a website.

Jensen softly chuckled, “Nerd.”

Jared notices the bulge in his jeans, “You didn’t...”

“Drain the snake..choke the chicken..spank the monkey.”

“Fuck, okay, you didn’t! Stop using old man slang.” He shook his head smiling  at Jensen intentionally goading him.

Jared reached up for the hand playing in his hair, grasping it to draw Jensen down next to him.

“Jack, I don’t want to wait any longer on doing this. I love JJ and the twins, you know I do, but they'll always be yours and Danneels. I know the timing could be better... but I'm almost thirty-eight and I want my..our own pups running around the house driving us crazy.”

“For the next eighteen years?”

“Minimum.”

tbc

Part II

SPN: @donnaintx​​​​​​​​​​​​ @lyarr24

GFA: @babypink224221 @waywardjoy @let-me-luve-you @all-4-wincest

Sam/Jared @idreamofplaid

Dean/Jensen: @flamencodiva

#J2 #alpha!jensen ackles x alpha!jared padalecki #jared x jensen #a/b/o #alpha!jensen x alpha!jared x omega!ofc #alpha!jensen ackles #alpha!jared padalecki #a/b/o ofc #Jensen Ackles #Jared Padalecki #spn au #husbands

[tranquil-space-ninja]

The Story (Sanders' Sides Human AU)

Ft. Platonic Moxiety, trans Roman, Imaginality (Remus x Patton), and Emciet (Janus x Emile)

Tw: suicide, homophobia, implied abuse, transphobia, f*g said, tra**y said, bullying, anorexia

--------------------------------------------------

Patton stared at his phone. He had a shift at the office in a few minutes, but he couldn't..... He didn't quite know what he couldn't do today, but he couldn't do it. He called in sick. Emile was very understanding. "Take as long as you need, Pat," he said. "Your mental health comes first."

"Thanks, Dr. Picani." He hung up and continued to stare at the message on his phone.

Unknown Number

Got ur number from Jan. How u doing?

It was him. After all these years, it was really him. And, paired with the fact that it was only a week till his brother's birthday.... The last two years of high school came rushing back.

Patton's phone chimed.

Ro's birthday is coming up.

Like Patton didn't compulsively write down the date in his calender every year. June 4. They would have been twenty-six.

I'm moving to ur area 4 work. I finally caught up 2 u.

Patton stared at his phone without really seeing the messages. Tears started to bluer his vision. He wiped them away, only for them to return with a vengeance. Finally, Patton just let himself sob, hoping to get everything out by the time Virgil got home.

***

Virgil waved to his friends as he walked to his front door. His dad's car was in the driveway, which was a surprise. Normally, he wouldn't be back until dinner. He slowly opened the door. "Dad," he asked. Patton gave Virgil a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Hey, kiddo! How was school?"

"Okay. How are you doing? Are you sick?"

"No, no, I'm fine. Just taking a mental health day. Sit down! I made popcorn. We can watch Black Cauldron."

Virgil sighed and sat down, leaning on Patton. Patton put part of his blanket around the teen and pulled him closer. He loved his son more than anything. He would not let Virgil go through the same things he did.

***

Just as Virgil was about to go to sleep, someone knocked on his door. "Come in," he called. Patton opened the door and gave him another fake smile. He sat down on the chair beside Virgil's desk.

"Can I tell you a story," Patton asked.

"I'm a little old for bedtime stories."

"Please? It's kinda boring, but.... I'll be quick. Please?" Virgil stared at his dad. He hated the desperate look in hs eyes. It was getting closer to June, which meant he'd grow quiet and a bit withdrawn. Maybe this was to preemptively make up for it?

"Sure." Virgil laid down and looked up at Patton.

"Thanks, Virge," he said with a slightly more real, relieved smile. "Let me tell you a story about six boys growing up in Florida."

***

Logan Crofters, Roman and Remus Ryan, Janus Pine, Emile Picani, and Patton Hart. They had been best friends since kindergarten. They were all inseparable. Things got worse in middle school when Roman came out as trans. His parents refused to let him transition or cut his hair, and the other kids were less than supportive. Remus let him wear his clothes, though, and his friends all defended him when they could. And they all survived until high school.

Fast foreward to sophmore year. Logan was on the fast track to becoming valedictorian. The other kids, in addition to whispering, "Fag," and, "Tranny," at them all in the halls, taunted Logan for his intelligence. Remus and Janus got into fights often to protect the others. Patton and Emile tried to keep the group's moral up. Logan and Roman always took it all harder than the others, but they had one teacher, Mr. Sanders, who let them eat lunch in his classroom and used Roman's proper pronouns. He even congratulated Patton and Remus when they started dating. He'd always pair up Janus and Emile for group projects, just to watch them flirt.

Patton, Roman, and Remus's parents passed around a petition to get him fired the next year. It was successful. That was the year everything fell apart.

Roman and Logan couldn't handle the pressure that came with the grades and the bullying. They always said they were fine, but....

One day, Logan quit his job at the library. Said it just wasn't worth it anymore. Roman stopped eating and always brushed his friends off when they begged him to try.

They died the same night. June 4, Roman's birthday. Roman overdosed on antidepressants. Janus, Remus, Emile, and Patton read his note over and over again.

Dear Friends,

I want to start by saying this isn't your fault. Remus, you were the most amazing, supportive brother anyone could ask for. Patton, Janus, Emile, Logan, you are all wonderful and perfect, and you all deserve the world. But.... I can't do this anymore. I can't live in this body one more day or hear someone call me Rachel one more time. I just can't do it. I love you all so much. Please don't dwell on this for too long. I want you all to be happy, okay?

Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't be everything you wanted me to be. I wish I could have been as good a son as Remus was. I wish you could have loved me as much as he did.

And, Mr. Sanders, if you ever see this.... Thank you. For everything.

Adeiu, best of friends and best of men,

Roman

Logan hung himself. He didn't leave a note. His parents at least gave him a funeral. Roman's parents didn't care enough to even do that.

Luckily, Remus, Janus, Emile, and Patton had saved enough from their various jobs to have him cremated. Emile's parents insisted on helping out, which helped a lot.

The group burried Roman's urn just outside the cemetery where Logan rested. Luckily, his grave was at the edge of the gate so Roman's could be near his. Remus painted a large rock to use as a marker. They all stood by the small grave, Janus holding Emile and Patton and Remus squeezing each other's hands, until the sun rose.

Patton stayed with Remus after Janus and Emile left.

"I can't stay here anymore," Remus had whispered. "I can't stay with the people who killed my brother."

"I know," Patton whispered. "I hate our parents." He brushed back his bangs to show Remus a black eye and a bruised cheek. "If we save enough, we'll run away together," he promised. "We'll get Janus and Emile, and we'll all go to Massachusetts, and we'll get married." Remus nodded.

"I like that." He gently pulled Patton close, and they shared a long, sweet kiss.

Things didn't work out. Senior year was worse. Janus, Emile, Patton, and Remus were the gays who were friends with the two who killed themselves, and that's all anyone ever treated them as. Janus's parents took him and moved to Delaware. He and Emile stayed in touch for a few months before the lost contact. Janus and Patton still talked occasionally, though, even after high school. Emile, Patton, and Remus stuck together, but things would never be the same.

When senior year ended, Patton and Emile prepared to move to Massachusetts, but Remus wouldn't go.

"Please," Patton begged. "We found a cute apartment in Salem. We can start over. We can get jobs while Emile is at school. We can build our own lives. Please come with us." Remus shook his head.

"I can't," he said. "It's only been a year since they died. I just can't leave them yet." Patton hugged him tightly.

"Keep in touch," he asked. Remus nodded and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Over the next few years, Patton kept in touch with Remus. Every year, he said he would finally move in with him, and every year, he had an excuse not to. Eventually, they stopped talking as much, and when Patton changed his number, he forgot to tell Remus.

***

"He and Emile stayed together, though," Patton finished. "Patton became Emile's receptionist when he started practicing independently."

"What about Janus and Remus," Virgil asked.

"Janus is still in Delaware, and I guess Remus is with him." Virgil nodded. He wasn't an idiot. He knew Patton had just told him his life story. He just wasn't going to press any further than that. Maybe someday, Patton would tell him more, but it was almost the day his friends killed themselves. Patton needed time.

***

The next day, Patton went back to work. Larry and Dot were happy to see him. When their appointment was almost over, another patient entered the waiting room and walked up to Patton's desk. "Hey," he said, head tilted down. His voice was low and familiar.

"Hi! Do you have an appointment?"

"N-no. I just moved here and was hoping I could set one up."

"Okay.... Dr. Picani is with a patient right now, but-- Remus?" Remus was staring at Patton, a sad frown accepting his dull eyes. "L-like I was saying, Emile--"

"Why didn't you answer my texts?" Patton began to fiddle with a pen. "You could have just said you didn't want to see me. I get it. I probably remind you of Ro and Logan, and that's fine. I failed you and I put off moving even though I said I would, and I understand that you're mad, and it's okay. But--"

"I wanted to see you." Remus stared at Patton, who stared right back.

"What?"

"I wanted to see you, but I couldn't say it. It's just so close to Roman's birthday, and I didn't know what to do or what to tell my son--"

"You have a son?" Patton nodded, tears in his eyes.

"I adopted him five years ago. His name is Virgil. He's funny, he's dark, and strange and sarcastic, and I love him more than anything."

"Boyfriend or husband?"

"Single dad and rockin' it." Remus laughed despite the tears that were escaping his eyes. Patton laughed with him, also crying. "I'm sorry. For everything," he sobbed. Remus took his hand.

"Me too." And that's how Larry and Dot found them five minutes later.

Holding hands and crying, together again.

--------------------------------------------------

#roman sanders #sanders sides #human au #remus sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #emile picani #janus sanders #virgil sanders #emciet #janus x emile #imaginality #patton x remus #platonic moxiety #tw suicude #angst

[ally-writes-many-things]

Secret Voight (Jay Halstead) Part 3

Part 1 | Part 2

Summary: You had just moved back to Chicago after an incident where you use to live. You put in your resume to the Intellgence Unit which is the unit your father works at. No one knows who you are but for Al and Dawson. How long is this gonna stay a secret?

Words: 3580

Requested: yes

Prompt:

Warnings or A/N: gif matches something.

      You sighed at yourself walking up the steps, thinking how stupid you were last night. All Jay was doing was trying to make sure you were okay, and you snapped at him. You saw Jay at his desk and as soon as he saw you, he looked away. You sighed once more and walked into your desk. You got a text message last night around nine or ten saying that Jin, the IT guy got murdered and Voight had a meeting with I.A. You saw your dad.  walked in, looking annoyed as hell. You sat up and looked at him.  "How'd it go?"

       Voight turned and looked at you. "It went. They asked some stupid questions. I left,"

      Jay stood up from his desk and walked closer to Voight. "Boss, where they at with Jin's murder?"

     Voight shurgged. "Nowhere. Where's Antonio?"

      You didnt know, you were a bit late due to traffic. Jay sighed. "He's meeting an informant. He's got a tip on some armored van thing. Sarge, why aren't we looking into Jin's murder on our own?"

     Voight looked like he was getting very annoyed at Jay. "For the same reason I told you last time you asked. They don't want us anywhere near it since we has in our unit, okay? He was a police officer. Area central is all over it,"

     Ruzek walked in at that time and looked at Jay and Voight. "So they had no updates this morning?"

     Voight who was clearly more annoyed than ever turned around to face the entire unit. "The update-The update is they're coming after my badge! So when there is another update I will convey it, okay? Until then, just do your jobs. Is it an inside job, or-"

       Jay raised his hands up in defense. "I already told you what I know,"

      Voight nodded and walked into his office and closed the door, you get up out of your seat and walked over to Jay. Jay did what he did when you walked in. Looked at you for a second and then away. "Jay, look I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap at you like that. It's just a personal issue,"

      Jay didnt even look at you when he answered. "Okay,"

     You rolled your eyes. "Jay-"

     This time he turned and looked at you and cuts you off. "No, you don't have to say anything else. What was it you said? We've only been partners for a month? Also, dont worry about me trying to make sure you're okay anymore,"

     You sighed and walked back to your seat. You desvered that. Ruzek walked over to your desk and noticed what happened between you and Jay. "What was that about?"

     You looked at Jay and then back at Ruzek. "Just partner things,"

     Ruzek puts his hand on your shoulder. "He'll get over it,"

    You moved to where Ruzek's hand fall of your shoulder. "It wasn't his fault,"

    You saw Antonio walked in and go straight into Voight's office. You looked over at Jay who was trying his damndest not to look at you. All you felt was regret. You didn't want him or anyone in this unit to know what happened because what was in that file was utter lies and everyone always believed the file. You sighed and threw your head back.

      ----

     You and the unit were following an armed van that has Ruzek in it undercover. You, Jay, Voight and Atwater were in one car and the other one was Al and Dawson.  You were almost to the point when the van started to swerve and Ruzek came over the walkie saying the safe word which was Popcorn. Voight pulled over and as other cars pulled up and started to shoot. You guys get out of the car while shooting was going on. Jay had told you to follow him, you put your hand on Jay's back as he led you behind another car. You saw a memeber out of the ambush loading his gun, you aimed and shot him in the chest.

        After a few minutes of shooting, the rest of the ambush leaves, Jay walked around looking at the aftermath of the shootout. You looked over and saw Al was talking to a pretty shaken up Ruzek. You pulled out your radio and called dispatch. "Lincoln 5021. Emergency. We have shots fired by the police. Roll an amboy. Fourteen hundred West Roosev. Multiple wounded offenders.

         ----

      You were in the backroom unloading things when you seen Jay walking by. When he didnt look or say anything to you, you grabbed your phone and sent the picture of your file to Jay. You heard Jay's phone go off, saw him pull it out and look at it. He turned and looked at you. "Before you say anything, no its lies,"

      Jay walked up to you and looked very confused and you beat him to talking. "A couple of years ago, a bout a two years or so after I graduated from the academy, I was at a police banquette and I was walking back to my car when I was stopped my very drunk police chief and-"

     Jay took a step forward and cut you off. "He didn't....?"

     You shook your head. "No. He did try to kiss me though but I politely declined and went home. A few days later, I was sent a letter saying that I was recommended to become a detective by the chief which I declined and transfer to a different station with a different police chief and a year after that I took the detective test and passed,"

       Jay nodded and stayed quiet. "Say something,"

      "You were scared to tell me this, why?"

      You sighed. "I dont know how a co-worker at my old precinct found out and twisted everything and told everyone.   I was called a whore and I 'banged' my way to detective and I was basically demoted and stayed doing desk work and I have enough of it and well here I am,"

        Jay was quiet once more. "And what about the text?"

       You pulled out your phone and showed him. "They started the day I got here and has stopped since. I put a trace and nothing,"

      Jay looked up at you and pulled you into a hug. "We'll figure this out. We'll go to Voight-"

     You pushed yourself from Voight and shook your head no. You didn't want Voight involved. For the exact reason of him being your father and hes protective. "No, I don't want Voight to know,"

      Jay looked at you confused. "Y/N, he can help-"

     "Jay, I only told you because I didnt want you to stay mad at me. Promise me you wont tell Voight,"

     "I dont know-"

     "Jay, promise me,"

     Jay sighed. "Alright fine,"

    ----

    It had been about an hour since you told Jay the truth and it felt like a weight lifted off you.

     You were in front of the unit informing them about the detail of the case. "We have the driver of the van, Lee Pratchett. Worked there for three months. Had a wife and a two year old kid at home. Dead crew member, apparently got a lead on that,"

     You looked up at Roman when he tried to talked. "Yeah, Jeff, I know him from my last-"

     You cut him off. "Not yet. We've got the shooter in the armored van. ID and soical came back bogus from the company. He started working there three days ago," you looked at Roman. "Now,"

     Roman nodded and walked up. "DOA is Jeff Gamble. Hes got a short five pages long. Posession, domestic battery, burglary, tap prior armed robberies. His cousin, Chirs, is basically his partner in crime. Chris wasn't involved himself but I'll guarantee he'll at least know what Jeff was up too,"

      Voight nodded and looked at Roman. "You and Burgess go find this cousin,"

      They leave to find this cousin and the State's attorney called Voight and Al into Voight's office. You get up from your seat and walk into the break room, you hear footsteps. You turned and wasnt surprised that it was Jay. "No texts yet?"

     You shook your head. "No,"

    "Do you know why they want to do this?"

   You shook your head again. "No, I dont know why it's happening. I didnt sleep with anyone nor did I accept the detective recommendation by the P.C either,"

      Jay pulled you into another hug. "We'll figure it out,"

      The way you feel when Jay wrapped his arms around you. You felt like nothing bad could ever happened and you felt like you were home.

      "If we could have everyone in the lobby. We caught a case,"

     You let go of Jay and walked into the lobby. You saw Al was next to board pinning photos on it. "Oskar Bembenek and his younger brother Jacob. Oskar ran a crime outfit for the last twenty five years. Prostitution, extortion, drugs, you name it. Now, Oskar never gets his hands dirty. He always subcontracts when it comes to taking someone out. That's how hes lasted this long,"

     Ruzek, who, looked up from the file they gave us. "Murder charge?"

    Al nodded but sighed. "Had a mistress. Wanted to break up so he stabbed her twenty five times. His shirt? It had her blood on it. I knew this girl,"

     He stopped himself. But continue softer. "I knew this girl. I was trying to turn her into an informant. Josie Martin,"

      Kevin's phone rang and he answered it. "Atwater,"

     It took a second before he relayed the messaged. "The supervisor from the armored van company went home sick,"

    Voight looked at you. "You and Halstead,"

    You grabbed your jacket as Jay told Kevin to text him the address.

    The more time you spend with Jay, the more time you feel yourself falling for him and you cant help it.

     ----

     You pull up to the supervisor's house and  started to walk up to the door. "So Jin, gave me a drive. Jin was working with I. Any shot that Voight is working with I.A?"

    Your father is a lot of things but being a rat? Wasn't one.  "Yeah, right,"

    You knocked on the door but no answer, Jay looked into the window. "Body,"

    You and Jay both quickly drew your guns before Jay kicked the door in. You cleared the house before checking the body. You pulled out your phone and bent down to see the face better. "Logan Hendricks?"

     You nodded. "Shit,"

    "Looks like he was trying to clear out,"

    You looked at Jay and then to where he was looking. There were suitcases on the couch. You looked back at Jay as he looked at you. "He was working for Bembenek. He hires the shooter in the van and then tips off the crew when he knows that we've got a guy inside and we're following,"

     Jay nodded. "I'll call it in,"

    ----

    The rest of the day didnt result in much. Just leads that lead no where. Jay was at Molly's which you were to meet him but Voight wanted you to stay back so he can talk to you. After everyone left, you walked up to his office and saw that he was doing some paperwork. "Dad?"

     He looked up and mentioned for you to come in. "So I had something I need to ask you,"

    You nodded. "Go for it,"

    Your dad was trying to search for the right words. "You left your first precinct on your own terms right?"

     Your heart started to beat. If Jay told him..."Yes,"

     He looked down at a piece of paper and then handed it to you. "Then what is this?"

    You walked up and grabbed the paper he had stretch out. It was the file. Fucking bastard sent it to him. "Dad, this isn't the truth,"

     Your dad gets up from his seat and goes and shuts the door. "Tell them me what the truth is then?"

    You told him the same exact story you told Jay eariler that day. "I didn't tell you because I wanted to figure it out on my own but I guess I can't,"

    Your dad takes the paper from your hand and pulled you into his arms. "I'll take care of it okay?"

     You nodded and wrapped your arms around him. He kissed the top of your head. "Next time just tell me okay?"

     You didn't do or say anything, you just stood there.

     ----

     You finally arrived at the bar, Jay had texted you the address. He looked at you and smiled. "Hey,"

     You sat down next to him and sighed. "Hey,"

     He looked at you confused as he playful shook you. "What's up?"

    "Voight knows,"

    Jay's eyes widen. "What? I didn't tell him. I swear,"

    You shook your head. "I know. Whoever has that file sent it to him,"

    Jay nodded as he took a sip from his drink. "Let me ask you something

Straight up. Are you sure there is no shot Voight is involved with Jin's muder?"

     You looked at Jay like he was the craziest person in the world. "Are you crazy?"

     Jay half smirked. "That's an answer to another question,"

    "No, theres no way,"

     Jay takes another sip of his drink. "Yeah, well, hes gonna bury this case, for God knows what reason,"

     You rolled your eyes. "Why? He has no reason,"

     Jay didnt even look at you. "Well, you have only been working under him for a few weeks, you dont know all the shady things he's done,"

    You knew a lot more than Jay thinks. A lot more than Jay even knows.

    You were deciding rather or not to tell Jay who you actually were but you eventually decided not too.

     ----

    You were in the interview room with Chris, Jeff's cousin. Thanks to Burgess and  Roman. "See, Chris, no one really knows this. It's my favorite thing to surprises people to lay on people like you. Say you and your buddies, I don't know, rob an armored van. Someone gets killed. Even if it was by the police, someone still needs to get charged with that murder. So we're gonna prove that you were there yesterday. An in addition to the attempted murder of a police officer, you're gonna get charged with the murder of your cousin. Or Chris, give us the others,"

     Jay, who had been sitting in the corner this entire time spoke up. "You can't be happy with the way this went down. Your cousin got killed for what? Hmm? How much did Bembenek pay you to get the shirt?"

    The guy looked at Jay liked he was a ghost. Jay stood up from where he was and sits down in front of Chris. "Yeah, we know about all of it. So quit, trying to figure a way out. Its over,"

     Chris thought about what Jay was for a few minutes before flipping. "It wasn't suppose to go down like that. They never said there was gonna be cops,"

     You sat down next to Jay. "Whose they?"

    "Oskar and his brother Jacob. They said it was only suppose to be a security team from the van company that was following and that there was gonna be more money. That's why we werent handing it over until we got the money,"

     Jay looked at him intently. "Hand what over?"

     Chirs without missing a beat. "The bloody shirt. The evidence bag. We told Bembenek that he needed to come up with two hundred thousand or we will drop the bag off at the nearest police station,"

     Jay sat up. "Where's the bag now?"

     "My buddy Christian has it but I'm suppose to meet him and back him up for the trade off,"

     ----

     While we were interviewing Chris, Voight had gotten a guy named Stilwell arrested for Jin's murder and Stilwell came out and said that Voight was working with I.A. You were unbelievably pissed. You saw him walking up the stairs, and you just stared at him. "I don't know what you heard but let me set things straight. In order to get my job back, I made a deal with I.A. rhe deal was that I put myself out there as dirty, so I could take down some of the high level criminals. I never nor did I agree to report on any other cops. You can like it or not, that was the deal,"

     Voight looked over at you but you looked away. Al started to walked downstairs. "Alright, let's gear up for the meet,"

     ----

     You were gearing up for the meet when Chris started to bang on the cage. Antonio pointed at him and yelled. "Sit down!  Now whether this evidence bag has been opened or tampered with or not or it broke the chain of custody. I dont really give a damn. That's for the state's attorney to determine. Main thing is to get Oskar to show up with the two hundred thousand and heads will roll from there and then we make our move,"

     You were about to follow Jay to his car but Antonio stopped you. "Hey Y/L/N, I know how you're feeling-"

     You cut him off. "I appericate it but nows not the time, Dawson,"

     ----

    You guys were at the place of the trade off waiting for Bembenek to show up. You notice a car pulling up to. Two cars pull up. Both stop and parked but only one of the car's doors open and out comes, Oskar, Jacob and some of other person. The guy walked up to Chris and Christan and showed them the money and Christan took the money and placed it in the car and pulled out the evidence bag and hands it to Oskar. Oskar ripped the bag open and pulled out the shirt and the next thing we know, guns were pulled out and they were shot as Oskar and Jacob took off in acar Antonio comes over the radio telling the team to move in. You and Jay, on the other hand went and followed Oskar and Jacob in the car. They tried to get out through a backway but you blocked the back and Voight blocked the front. You guys get out of the car and so does Jacob. Jacob holds up a hand. You and Jay both start to yell at him. "On the ground! On your knees! Show me your hands,"

    Jacob kept moving. "Its all good. Its all-"

    Jacob had pulled out a gun pointed at Jay and before Jacob could finished that sentence, Jay shoots him. Al pulled Oskar from the car and while getting handcuffed, Oskar was calling out to his brother. "Jacob! Jacob! You shot my brother,"

    You placed a hand on Jay's shoulder while you radio dispatch. "Lincoln 5021. Emergency. Shots fired by police. Multiple offenders down. Roll an ambo. Thirty fifth and Hamilton,"

      ----

      After a long but successful day, you, Jay and a couple of his friends were at a bar called Molly's. You were all having a great time when Jay jumped, you turned around and saw that it was Al. "Let me have a quick word with you,"

     Jay nodded and walked over to the corner with Al. "You have it so bad,"

    You turned around and face Sylvie. "What?"

    Sylive looked at you and chuckled. "You are so in love with him,"

    Your eyes go wide. "Am not! He's my partner!"

    All the girls go. "Mhm sureee,"

    Jay walked over to the table clearly shaken up. "Have a great night ladies. Imma head home,"

    Jay turned to you. "I'll see you at work tomorrow,"

    Jay grabbed his jacket and started to walk out of Molly. You grabbed your jacket and followed him out. "Jay!"

    Jay turned around and looked at you. "What was that about?"

    Jay sighed. "Oskar Bembenek just put a one hundred thousand bounty on your head for killing his brother,"

    You entire heart just dropped. "What?"

    Jay nodded. "Yep,"

    You shook your head. "You're not staying home alone tonight. Take me to your place,"

    Jay looked at you crazy. You rolled your eyes as you chuckled. "I'll sleep on the couch or something,"

     ----

     You had followed Jay in your car to his apartment. He let you in and you walked over and it was fairly normal of what you expect it to me. A bit cleaner than you imagined it though. "Welcome to my home,"

     You looked over at Jay and saw that he was clearly still shaken up, even though he was putting on a brave face. Before you could even say anything, Jay walked over to you and he placed his hand on your check and kissed you. You were in shocked and before you could even react, he pulled away. "I'm sorry, I shouldnt have done that,"

     You shook your head and grabbed his shirt and stood on your tippy toes and kissed him back. It was magic, the way his lips connected with yours. It was right. Your hands travelled up his chest, your neck and to his hair and tangled your fingers in his hand and you slightly pulled earning a low growl from Jay. Jay picked you up from the ground and carried you to his bed. He laid you down on his bed and hovered over you. "Are you sure about this?"

     You pulled his shirt over his head as your answer.

*

Tags: @xlittlescorpionx @lena-davina @baker151910 @alievans007 @tiiffanym @alievans007 @castellandiangelo @unicornlover747 @dreamingwithlens

#chicago pd #jay halstead #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead x you #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead x imagine #secret voight