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angelicimagines · 3 years

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Hey Mod Shuichi! Could I request Chihiro, Yuta, Tsumugi, and Chiaki with a cuddly S/O who starts crying when they’re given affection because they’re touch starved? I saw a similar request you did and I really enjoyed it!

Hey there @chihiro-comfort-imagines, of course you may. This ask is very cute by the way, thanks for requesting. Touch-starved gang rise up! -Mod Shuichi

Chihiro Fujisaki, Yuta Asahina, Tsumugi Shirogane, and Chiaki Nanami with a S/O who gets emotional when given affection.

Chihiro Fujisaki💻

💻 Nervous boy, nervous. Be patient with him, he's not used to much positive affection from people apart from his family. 💻 Please, hug him while he's overworking himself, remind him to take care of himself. 💻 Melts, literally. Congrats you have discovered Fujisaki putty, do what you will with this information (read as: love him). 💻 He knows he's small and weak and all that jazz, but he is determined to gather up the courage to give you affection first, he wants to protect you and this is a step in the right direction. 💻 After much thinking aka Mondo, Taka, and Leon pestering him about doing it, he decided to give you an unprompted hug and some head scratches (cuz nobody is immune to those fight me on this). 💻 Poor boy didn't know what was about to go down. He wasn't emotionally prepared to feel some wetness near his back and your body shaking with what he assumed where sobs. 💻 Ok so that didn't work, he's panicking now. In a brilliant moment of action association, he backed away like he had been burned. 💻 Was racking his brain on what to do because no amount of Wikihow articles could prepare him for this. Luckily, he wasn't completely out of ideas. 💻 Bless Taichi for giving him the idea. He mimicked what his father had always done when he wa distressed and hugged you again while tracing random patterns on your back. 💻 Oh hey that worked! Now to why you were crying…oh right he' d never done this before, it was probably too much for you. 💻 Well now he just feels bad. Might start crying with you a bit,but he'll power through. 💻 After the reveal, new arrangements were made. Now you have a hug quota that you will get every day or so help him. 💻 It takes a while, since he is also a bit overwhelmed by affection, but over time both of you get used to it 💻 During one of your daily hug quotas he'd reveal that he would give you all the affection it took to make you feel loved <3

Yuta Asahina👟

👟 How are you still hydrated with this man, he will always return your affection tenfold. It's the Asahina genes in him. 👟 You are probably not that touch starved with him as your partner, but that makes my job useless so touch starved you are for the sake of content. 👟 Yuta was a pretty affectionate person, but sometimes circumstances prevented that from happening. 👟 And so that's how you found yourself 5 hours away from your boyfriend. Her sister was participating in a swimming tournament and he went to support her. You couldn't make it (plus it was the first time you'd meet his sister face to face and the thought alone scared you), so yeah. 👟 Aoi was confused, since you were basically the only topic Yuta talked about nowadays and she was just dying to finally meet you; but nothing could top Yuta's reaction. 👟 Boy went through the 5 stages of grief and then some. He acted like he was on withdrawal from candy or something, he craved your touch 25/8 and was just…mopey. 👟 So that's how the idea entered his head. As soon as he laid eyes on you, he would make up for all of the S/O cuddles he missed while he was away. 👟 R.I.P your tear ducts ayyy. Nothing could've prepared you for the absolute love storm you were about to experience. Man's literally jumped on you and began attacking you with kisses and hugs and any other form of affection you can think of. 👟 Bursting into tears in the middle of an airport was not your proudest moment, but hey, you got your Yuta cuddles so who cares. 👟 UnLuckily for you, he didn't comment on your sudden pity party, instead he shushed your cries and wiped your tears away. 👟 He might not like math, but he figured sad S/O + love and affection = happy S/O. Quick maths. 👟 Would you look at that, he was right! Without your usual dose of cuddles you resorted back to not knowing what human touch is. 👟 Don't worry, it's a quick fix with Yuta. By quick fix, I mean you now have a koala stuck to your body literally all the time. 👟 What can I say, he is a man of his word. Says he wants to help you return to your normal cuddle amount, but Aoi ratted him out. He was just as touch starved as you. 👟 There's nothing better than two touch starved dumbasses experiencing affection, together <3

Tsumugi Shirogane🧵

🧵 Girl loves how affectionate you are, makes her feel special and not plain. 🧵 Also inspire her to make cosplays sometimes (when this happens I advice you run, she gets very involved in her work). 🧵 She hesitates before giving you any type of affection, what if she's too plain, what if she starts rambling about anime and you get tired of her, what if– 🧵 "No, Tsumugi, they do so much for you, return the damm favour, love them." And with this little pep talk she is on her way to find you and love the soul out of you. 🧵 She hides her intentions behind a simple date, a fun movie night critiquing the main pairing for being oblivious idiots. 🧵 During the movie, she got more affectionate, things like holding your hand for longer than usual and resting her head on your shoulder during the romantic parts. 🧵 She reasons that by being affectionate with you, especially during the more romantic parts of the movie. she symbolizes how much she loves you and that she does care about you. 🧵 Your poker face is working itself to the bone while your heart is going a thousand a minute. That might be the excitement or a heart attack, you can't tell. 🧵 Little did you know, this was only the beginning. Tsumugi was determined to end the date on her own little special note. 🧵 On the way home, she insisted y'all walked by the sakura trees nearby. It was a beautiful sight, the petals of the trees falling around you as she initiated a very sweet goodbye kiss. 🧵 That's right, she initiated the kiss this time. And that was your cue to start the waterworks. 🧵 When she pulled away she heard your sobs and saw your tears and panicked. Was it too much, did she screw it up? Oh she shouldn't have listened to that anime, now you're crying because of her and– 🧵 You sob out various I love you's and hug her tight, effectively confusing your cosplayer girlfriend. 🧵 Oh, oh. You're touch-starved, that's what's happening. She smiles to herself and giggles at her panic earlier as she returns the hug and wipes your tears away. 🧵 She can get used to this, she'll patch up the missing affection with a lot of love…and anime references <3

Chiaki Nanami🎮

🎮 She doesn't mind your cuddles, in fact she loves them! You probably can't tell but she's touch starved as well, she just doesn't know it yet. 🎮 You tend to cling to her while she's gaming, holding her and laying your head on her shoulder while she's trying to beat whatever pesky boss is preventing her from beating the game. 🎮 She subconsciously snuggles closer to you from time to time, to show she still cares. 🎮 She knows she tends to lose herself to her games a lot and that could cause you to feel like you're the only one pulling their weight in the relationship... 🎮 So she devised a master plan. The next time you give her any type of affection, she'll return it and then some. 🎮 She was dedicated to let you know how much she loved you, so she was ready to use every weapon in her arsenal. Also known as your downfall. 🎮 And so that's how you found yourself in eachothers arms while she kissed every inch of your face. 🎮 She thought she was doing great......until you started sobbing into her shoulder. Ok now she's worried, did she wait too long, did she do something wrong, why were you crying? 🎮 You started babbling about how much you love her and how long you had been waiting for this. Oh, so that's what happening. 🎮 She feels a bit guilty that she hadn't done this sooner, but that just means she can make up for the lost time by giving you even more affection. 🎮 Your eyes are cosplaying waterfalls hon, you're probably dehydrated by now. 🎮 The fact you get that emotional just because of something as simple as a hug worries her, who hurt you? 🎮 In all of her greatness, she devices a new plan. She'll give you as much affection as she can to make you connect her affection with routine. You won't be touch starved on her watch, not on her watch! 🎮 Cut to you getting overwhelmed the first 50 times. Over time, all you do is that deep breath people do when they're feeling extremely loved. 🎮 She realizes that this is what you both needed, after all they say love is the best healing potion <3

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pokelolmc · 3 years

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10 Danny Phantom Episodes with Good Concepts that Sorely Disappointed Me: “The Ultimate Enemy” (Part 2)

Alright, here I am, everyone—part two of my critical analysis on “The Ultimate Enemy”, and how its faulty writing let down a good episode idea. For those stumbling across this for the first time, I am in the process of composing an analytical list of ten Danny Phantom episodes whose concepts I liked, but didn’t like the execution of. “The Ultimate Enemy” is the first on this list. Due to the size of my complaints with the episode, I’ve split my arguments into multiple categories across multiple posts; I highly suggest you start from the beginning with part 1 here before moving onto this post. It covered the main introduction, and Category A of my problems with the episode: the plot points that were primarily irrelevant to Dan’s character.

For those of you continuing from the first part, I apologise for this part being overdue. I proposed I would edit and upload part two roughly a day after part one, but those days dragged on due to constant re-editing and problems with my mental health. Parts three and four shall probably take longer than a few days to edit and upload as well, as I discovered arguments in the essay that needed massive overhauls before posting. I can guarantee they’re coming eventually (the whole thing essay is fully written, point-wise); I need to rework and trim the fat off some paragraphs.

Without further ado, this post will take a look at everything I’ve chucked into Category B—my issues with Dan’s characterisation, and how what the episode showed us about who deserved responsibility for Dan contradicted what it told us about how Dan was created.

(Also, because of my saltiness seeping in when I was writing, my captions for the images got a little too snarky for an analytical essay, but I am too tired of re-editing this section to remove them. Hopefully, they’ll serve as humour; if not, I apologise.)

1. The episode incorrectly portrayed Danny as the only one responsible for Dan’s existence, and for the wrong reasons (the wrong events in the timeline). Upon scrutiny of the actual sequence of events that led to Dan’s creation, the direct responsibility for Dan’s birth was either an even split between Danny and Vlad, or slightly more Vlad’s fault (depending upon the interpretation of the event that did actually cause Dan).

(Spoiler alert: No. No, it was not.)

The episode initially chose to establish Danny cheating on the CAT as the cause for Dan’s existence. While this was partially, indirectly true (since it set up the chain of events that led to Dan’s creation), it was not the event that directly caused Dan—yet, the episode treated it as a highly important tipping point, close to the point of no return that led to Dan. Looking at Dan’s backstory from the information Future Vlad gave (as dubious as it was), and working backwards, it was clear that Danny cheating on the test was not the vital “point of no return” by any means. Neither was the explosion at the Nasty Burger, for that matter (which the episode treated as the point of no return after Dan cheated on the CAT in Danny’s place, which required the episode to postpone the narrative stakes of preventing Dan’s creation to the Nasty Burger fight).

(Well...not exactly--it didn’t ruin Dan’s future, but it did ruin Danny’s. There’s a distinction.)

Kick-starting the entire chain of events that set up the eventual moment of Dan’s birth was not synonymous with directly creating Dan, and blaming the causality for Dan’s existence on Danny cheating (the leap of logic that “Danny became evil in the future because he cheated on a test”) or even his loved ones dying at the Nasty Burger was incorrect.

To demonstrate the argument, I’ll shift to an in-universe hypothetical:

Imagine yourself in Clockwork’s shoes: an “evil future version of Danny” has been created, and you have to prevent Dan’s existence by searching through the events that led his creation to find as many openings between key events as possible, in order to change one and subsequently avert all the events (including Dan’s creation) that followed.

To lay it out in full, the chain (separating the events based on intervention windows) was as follows: (1) Danny cheated on the CAT -> (2) Mr. Lancer met with Danny’s parents at the Nasty Burger to discuss it -> (3) they (including Sam, Tucker and Jazz) died in the Nasty Burger explosion -> (4) a grief-stricken Danny went to Vlad in Wisconsin -> (5) Danny requested that Vlad numb his emotional pain -> (6) Vlad split Danny’s ghost half from his human half—only for the ghost half to immediately pull out Vlad’s own and fuse with it into Dan.

Dan’s existence being the result of (what was essentially) a disastrous line of falling dominoes made his origin more sinister, but also highly easy to prevent (at least, without taking into account the mess caused by the story’s poorly thought out use of time travel, which I’ll explain later in section C). After all, the more complex a system (the more elements necessary for a system to successfully operate and achieve a desired result), the more weak spots it has—as meddling with one part can affect all the other parts and lead the entire operation to fail.

Utilising any of the intervention room between the events in “The Ultimate Enemy’s” alternate timeline would prevent Dan’s entire existence. The only event, therefore, that could be labelled the direct cause of Dan’s existence was the event that immediately resulted in Dan’s birth, and the most dire pivotal point—which rendered Dan inevitable—was the event directly before that. The event of Dan’s creation itself (or the cause of Dan) was event number six—the removal of both Danny and Vlad’s ghost halves using the Ghost Gauntlets, and their subsequent fusion with each other. The event which led to this—event number five, which was Danny’s request for Vlad to remove his emotional pain—was the direct catalyst for the procedure, and therefore the important “point of no return” leading to Dan that the episode tried to make Danny cheating on the CAT (and once that was over, the act of losing his loved ones) out to be. (Technically speaking, it was one of possibly two options for the event upon which Dan’s existence truly hinged—number four was also a likely candidate).

Danny cheating on the CAT was not the cause of Dan (even if it set the eventual stage), because there were numerous ways to interfere after the incident of Danny cheating the CATs and still prevent Dan from existing. Clockwork could’ve interfered between events one and two, by changing Mr. Lancer’s parent-teacher meeting location to anywhere safer than the Nasty Burger, so no one died (he could’ve utilised Jazz to sway Mr. Lancer, perhaps—it’s safe to assume Clockwork was aware of her knowledge on Danny’s secret, and she was the one Mr. Lancer approached about Danny cheating). He could’ve interfered between events three and four—had Danny’s loved ones still die at the Nasty Burger but convinced Danny himself not to go to Vlad. He could’ve popped in between events four and five and convinced Danny, right after moving in with Vlad, to not ask for a way to numb his emotional pain. However, Vlad proved to be a dubious source in the flashback of Dan’s origin story, and was typically too much of a wild card, so preventing Danny from moving in with Vlad at all is likely the safest option.

Ergo, either event four or five should’ve been treated as the important point that led to Dan’s existence. On top of that, Vlad’s role in event six proved he was partially responsible for Dan’s creation, but the rest of the episode outside of the flashback neglected this fact in favour of pushing the “Dan was all Danny’s fault” message.

(Begin Vlad’s unreliable narratorhood in 3...2...1...)

However, Future Vlad behaved like an unreliable narrator of the “Dan’s creation” flashback, so his explanation of events shouldn’t be taken at face value. Assuming the basic outline of events was trustworthy, however, the episode indicated to us that Vlad was roughly equally as responsible for Dan’s creation as Danny. He conceded to Danny’s desire to escape his emotions and responded with the halfa-splitting operation that caused Dan’s fusion.

He stretched the reality of the event to Present Danny when he exaggerated the delivery of some (if not most) of his narration lines in the flashback. It was most blatantly clear in the line where he inflated his importance to Danny after the tragedy, “With nowhere else to go, you came to me—the only person left on the planet who could possibly hope to understand your situation.” He verbally emphasised the words ‘me’ and ‘possibly’, and the phrases “the only person left on the planet” and “could possibly understand” were hyperbole in their own right. Another was the line, “No more painful human emotions to drag you down,” where he spoke the italicised words with overt disdain for Danny’s emotions. It could be interpreted simply as Vlad’s typical habit of speaking in a dramatised manner, rather than trying to make himself look good to Danny by stretching the truth. However, even if choosing to interpret Vlad’s delivery as the latter, he still skewed his recount through vagueness and omission in the literal content of his narration (when linked to the visuals that ran alongside his lines).

According to Future Vlad, Danny asked for his emotional pain to be taken away; and Vlad removed his ghost half to “[honour] [his] wishes,” while the shot changed from Vlad’s sympathetic face at the grieving Danny to the procedure with the Ghost Gauntlets. Future Vlad never explicitly stated whether it was Danny or him that decided removing Danny’s ghost half was the course of action to take, Vlad only explained that Danny “wanted to make the hurt go away”, and then the shot cut to Vlad removing Danny’s ghost half with the only explanation that he was acting in accordance with that wish.

On top of not explicitly saying whose idea it was, (though, with Vlad’s knowledge and experience with halfa research far exceeding Danny’s, it was almost certainly his) the episode did not explain how his logic leapt from “remove Danny’s emotional pain” to “remove Danny’s ghost half”, which was an insensible method to solve Danny’s problems.

The “no more human emotions” line indicated that his intention behind the procedure was to remove Danny’s human emotions, yet he knew that the procedure entailed removing Danny’s ghost half.

It made no sense, in universe, for Vlad to competently assume that removing Danny’s ghost half from him would work to remove an emotionality rooted in his human half (the episode overall, by the way Dan referred to human emotions and sentimentalities as a “humanity” he gave up, implied that it intended to frame the emotional attachment to Danny’s loved ones as part of his human half). If it could be chalked up to an external fault, like the lack of clear research into the procedure’s outcome, and not Vlad’s failure to realise the logical inconsistency, the episode needed to give evidence of this. Without that information, the only feasible assumptions were either that he wasn’t making any sense in-universe, he was supposed to be sensible but the episode’s writing didn’t make sense, or he had an ulterior motive for convincing Danny into going through with the operation. Either way, it was yet another part of Dan’s creation that Vlad was responsible for, not Danny, and the episode’s message was illogical to contradict this.

Through potentially exaggerating his sympathy for the alternate Danny in his verbal intonation, and blatantly failing to mention the details of why he chose removing Danny’s ghost half to fix a “human” problem, Vlad told his version of Dan’s birth in a way that would minimise his moral fault in the incident to Present Danny. His only logically feasible motivation for this was to hide further moral accountability for Dan’s creation than what we already saw in the face-value version of the flashback.

To summarise this entire sub-category of arguments, the episode was wrong to pin Dan’s existence on Danny cheating on the CAT (and even on losing his family, as the second half of the episode changed gears to), rather than his desire to remove/escape his emotions (even if the deaths resulted in the pain that he wanted to remove in the first place, which I shall explain later in Section D). It was also mistaken to portray Danny as the primary cause of Dan, rather than acknowledge that Vlad was equally (if not more), responsible than him.

Additionally, the fact that Vlad, as an in-universe character, tried to minimise his moral role/accountability in the physical causality of Dan’s creation by skirting around the truth in his retelling was something that the episode itself should’ve acknowledged or called out, through more reliable information from a third-person or other characters’ perspectives such as Danny, Dan’s or Clockwork’s—but it didn’t.

2. On top of physical responsibility for Dan, the episode was wrong to pin Danny with the moral blame and identity of Dan. It treated the two of them as essentially the same person, and portrayed Dan as just a Danny from the future who turned evil because of a combination of Danny’s potential evilness (potential to do “selfish/evil” things) and tragic circumstances. Considering Dan’s backstory, it made no sense for Danny to be the sole owner of either Dan’s immorality or identity/personhood.

Dan’s backstory told us that physically Danny wasn’t solely responsible for his creation, but the rest of the narrative still deeply connected Dan to Danny alone by treating Dan as what would happen if Danny let his pre-existing moral flaws take over him—that Dan’s villainy (or evil nature) came from Danny.

Clockwork referred to Danny Phantom as “grow[ing] up into the most evil ghost on the planet” in the cold open (which, given that Dan was a product of a fusion, was blatantly false.)

“The Ultimate Enemy” attempted to build up the idea that Danny had the potential for evil, and that Dan was him realising his own evil, in the scene where the trio entered Clockwork’s lair. As they watched Dan’s carnage through the observation window, Danny excitedly admired Dan’s Ghostly Wail, completely oblivious to the seriousness of the situation, and Sam called him out for not reading the room.

(Though, Sam’s condemnation of Dan’s villainy was extremely underwhelming—calling a world-destroyer and (presumable) mass murderer just “kind of a jerk” in a snarky tone did not do the severity of Dan’s actions any justice.)

When they confronted Clockwork, Danny scoffed at him to find just “one” evil thing he’d done. The shot then immediately focussed onto “examples” of Danny’s “evil” in the time window—first, Jazz finding out Danny was going to cheat the CATs (which, as established in point one, was not as morally significant as the episode tried to portray it—that shall be further elaborated later in Section D). After Tucker sassed at Clockwork, “[I] bet you can’t find two!”, the time window changed to Dan standing atop his destruction in the alternate future, and Clockwork replied, “How about two thousand?”—implying that Clockwork was referring to what Dan did in the future as at least part of the (supposedly numerous) evil things Danny did (or would do). This made no sense unless the episode was implying that Dan’s immorality was Danny’s own. However, this implication was incorrect, leaving Clockwork to state that he had seen countless instances of Danny Fenton/Phantom being evil with no valid examples to show for it whatsoever.

Dan’s atrocities had no weight as examples of Danny’s morality flaws due to the fact that Dan’s evil was not primarily Danny’s to begin with, creating a feedback loop of invalidation; evidence for the argument was invalid because its own validity was dependent on the validity of the very argument it was supposed to be supporting.

(Danny, despite the episode’s reluctance to be fair to him with its accusations of his “potential villainy”, was actually justified in asking this of Clockwork. You know there’s something wrong with your story when your self-centred, short-sighted teenage protagonist is righter than your supposedly all-knowing Master of Time in this situation.)

(Cheating on a test is not evil, Clockwork, try again.)

(Nope, sorry, Dan’s evil is not Danny’s “evil”; your argument is invalid.)

(I typically put the “improvements/fixes” part at the end of each point, but for the sake of its direct relevance to the aforementioned example, I’ll put it here to avoid structural confusion in the essay:

“The Ultimate Enemy”, for some reason decided that its reason/foreshadowing of Danny’s potential for evil had to be self-contained; ironically, almost all (sans a small few) of the episode’s examples of Danny’s moral flaws weren’t “evil” at all, and they would’ve been far better off using actual events of Danny showing potentially villainous traits from previous episodes. Danny may have been justified in asking Clockwork to name one evil thing he’d done, because that accusation had no basis at that point, but Clockwork’s response should’ve been to show previous instances in the series where Danny took advantage of others with his powers.

For example, imagine if in the episode, when Danny demanded, “Name one evil thing I’ve done!”, Clockwork’s time window had switched to moments like the end of “Maternal Instincts”, where he manipulated Vlad into lowering his guard, or his acts of overshadowing Dash for petty revenge in “Splitting Images” or “Reign Storm”? Not only were they more legitimate examples of morally corrupt characteristics—tricking people for his own gain/victory and abusing his powers to the detriment of others—it would’ve given such a significant episode in the series more continuity with the previous ones. In fact, the examples in two of those previous episodes resulted in Vlad pointing out that Danny was becoming more like him, as a way to use Vlad’s relationship as Danny’s nemesis/character foil for the sake of tension. “The Ultimate Enemy” could’ve used those examples in its own narrative to turn Dan into a proper payoff of this long-term build-up of Vlad’s whole “We’re not so different, you and I” thing going on with Danny.

Also, it would add to the thematic irony of Dan being a fusion of Danny and Vlad’s ghost halves, if that aspect of his backstory was not altered in a rewrite of TUE.)

Vlad owned Dan’s evil nature equally as much as (if not more than) Danny because Dan was also half-Vlad. However, the episode neglected to acknowledge this outside of a few seconds on Dan’s birth in the flashback. While explaining the scene of the two ghost halves fusing into Dan, Future Vlad’s most honest lines of narration (because they straightforwardly confessed he was morally accountable for Dan to Danny, and thus had no motivation to be a lie) explained that, “My [ghost half’s] evil side overwhelmed you”. This implied that the reason Dan turned out evil in the first place was that Vlad’s evil took over Danny’s mind during the fusion.

Given that we trust Vlad’s line, Vlad (or Plasmius, as Vlad’s ghost half) deserved most of the accountability for Dan’s lust for destruction and lack of a moral compass, not Danny. So, calling Dan “Danny’s evil future self” was only accurate in the literal sense of “this is what remained of Danny’s mind/existence in the future—his ghost half—even though it’s only a part of a larger fusion with another ghost, and this fusion is evil”. Dan was not a warning that “Danny was going to turn evil”, because Danny was not the primary source of Dan’s villainy.

In regards to overall personal identity, rather than just morality, Dan was also not “Danny’s evil future self” on account of the fact that he was not “Danny’s future self”, period. He shouldn’t have been an “older Danny” (or essentially the same person as Danny but older and evil), according to his backstory’s statement that he was half-Phantom, half-Plasmius. Yet, for some asinine reason, Dan only identified himself personally as “Danny” for the duration of the episode (without mention of Vlad).

After travelling to the past under Danny’s guise, Dan referred to Danny’s bedroom and face in the mirror as his own.

(Whoops--another image where I goofed the subtitles, this time in formatting...and MS Paint’s lack of layers makes redoing it an unnecessary pain. Sorry about that.)

When he met Sam and Tucker in the future, he explained his cold response to seeing them again as a result of “[surrendering his] human half a long time ago”. His singular human half. Not plural…because even Dan himself wanted to pretend that he wasn’t half Vlad, for some reason.

Perhaps it could be chalked up to people behaving differently in different social contexts; in that case, it was understandable that—even if he was part-Vlad—his Danny-side and memories influenced him the most in front of Danny’s friends…but that alone didn’t justify him stating that he only had one human half as a fact. The only other option that made in-universe sense was that it was a deceit/falsehood on Dan’s part, and therefore knowingly untrue. Perhaps Dan didn’t want to admit that he had more than one human half to Sam and Tucker—because he was not obliged to divulge that information to them—or that he preferred to mentally distance himself from Vlad’s human half because the latter was still alive, and separate from Dan. However, it was still untrue to link Dan and Danny together as people, but not Vlad, with the idea of only owning Danny’s human half.

The assumption that Dan was a future, evil Danny in person (and not also part-Vlad in person, or a new person from either of them entirely) implied that the fusion resulted in Plasmius’s mind giving his evil to Danny’s and then disappearing into the aether. It implied that a fusion of two people resulted in a powered-up being that was solely one of them psychologically, in order to purport that Danny (or, at least Phantom as his ghost half) was still Danny in sense of self for the last ten years in the alternate future. This contradicted the more logically valid implication that Plasmius’s mind or identity still existed as a component inside Dan, and Dan was at least both Danny and Vlad mentally.

Vlad explained in the flashback, “[Vlad’s] evil ghost half mixed with [Danny’s].” The general interpretation of “mixing” implied that the two ghost halves merged together into a new being and their traits and minds blended together. His identity should, theoretically, be either a half-and-half joining of the two halfas, or a whole new person with Vlad and Danny’s ghost halves as mere fusion ingredients. Ten years of existence and experience after the initial fusion would also, theoretically, give Dan enough time to develop this new mixed mind into his own individual sense of self beyond who/what either of Danny or Vlad were as people (prior to the ghost half fusion). In that case, Dan was not Danny’s “future self” in identity, and had little reason to identify Danny’s face, room and family as “his old [life]” (or, at least his only one).

The next most obvious theory (about Dan’s psychological makeup as a fusion) is that one half was more dominant than the other during the fusion, leading to Dan to become primarily just one of them in identity. That dominant one had to have been Danny, based on how Dan identified himself in the episode, but that wouldn’t make sense. Phantom taking full control of the fusion and assimilating Plasmius into himself required that a grief-stricken fourteen year old was somehow capable of winning against a more experienced forty-something in a battle of minds, thoroughly enough to the point of absorbing the latter. Considering that Phantom was mentally weak enough to be the one “overwhelmed” by Plasmius’s evil (a single facet of Plasmius’s larger mind) almost immediately, that hypothesis seems unlikely. The notion of Phantom overwhelming Plasmius in the fusion to gain dominance, and Plasmius being the one to overwhelm him to turn him evil, contradict each other. Ergo, Dan being a mix of both Phantom and Plasmius was the most likely (and sensible) outcome of the fusion.

In that case, the episode was thoughtless and inaccurate to treat Dan as “Danny’s future self who became a villain”. Dan was not inherently linked to Danny in either the majority of his morality or his identity, due to the part Vlad played in Dan’s creation, and his mental component in Dan’s fusion.

2.5.A notable counterpoint, for the sake of not one-sidedly flipping all of the fault for Dan onto Vlad:

To be fair—as the idea of solely blaming Vlad would also be inaccurate to what Dan’s origin story showed—I should acknowledge a piece of evidence explicitly indicating that Danny still contributed some of his own darkness to Dan’s villainy, albeit less than Vlad. Once separated from his human half, Phantom ripped out and fused with Vlad’s ghost half of his own volition, all with a malicious grin on his face.

However, there was no clear motivation or reason for the separated Phantom to fuse with Plasmius (the physical cause of Dan that Danny/Phantom could be blamed for) —in fact, it made no sense for there to be any premeditated intention for Phantom to fuse with him, since he couldn’t have known that fusion with another halfa’s isolated ghost half was even possible at that point; it was an untried, never-seen-before method, hardly likely to mentally occur to Danny in the first place. Phantom resorted to attacking Vlad, stealing the Ghost Gauntlets and pulling out Plasmius for some unknown reason, but ghost-half fusion could not have sensibly been it. The Gauntlet attack simply demonstrated that Phantom took ill-willed pleasure from the act of hurting or depowering Vlad. After removing Vlad’s ghost half, fusing with it was the second step. Danny could be held responsible for his ghost half explicitly harbouring malice/potential evil in the attack (and his ghost half’s response to being removed was part of Danny’s responsibility in Dan’s creation), but that wouldn’t explain the crucial next step of the fusion itself.

This is where my ideas for potential improvements for the story of “The Ultimate Enemy” come in, as the exact extent of Danny’s contribution to Dan (in physical responsibility and mentality) wasn’t entirely clear—outside of this explicit evidence of Phantom’s facial expression. This uncertainty leaves the room for a do-over of the narrative to ask a lot of questions about how physically and morally accountable for Dan’s birth and evilness Danny actually was.

We could assume implicit evidence that Danny had some sort of inner darkness which contributed to Dan, even if only the minority, from the possibility that his grief at the loss of his loved ones (as well at helplessness at not being able to do anything to save them, and low evaluation of his own worth as a person) led to buried malice, anger and a desire for power to compensate.

Based on how splitting halfas apart worked in “Identity Crisis”, it made sense that Phantom had a sense of hostility and motivation to hurt Vlad once separated from Danny in “The Ultimate Enemy”. When Danny was split in half the first time, the halves took on the mental characteristics of the whole Danny’s momentary intents and desires. When Danny wanted his ghost half to do all the hero work so his human half could have the time to have fun, his ghost half took on an exaggerated hero personality and his human half an irresponsible teenager personality. Assuming this logic consistently determines the split halves’ personalities each time, and the fact that Danny’s desires in the alternate future revolved around escaping his emotional pain, it was logical that one of the split halves inherited a condensed majority of Danny’s pain (in this case, the ghost half), while the other half (the human one) was innocently blind to most of Danny’s grief and self-hatred—and that the suffering half acted out aggressively or malevolently as a result.

However, since we could logically assume that fusing with Plasmius was not the initial reason Phantom removed him from Vlad (and we assume the fusion was a spur-of-the-moment decision that occurred to him afterwards), why did he remove Plasmius in the first place? Was he intending to spite Vlad after all the grief he caused Danny in their rivalry? Was it a sense of inferiority telling him to tear Vlad down from his superior position? Was it to avoid letting Vlad stay a possible physical threat to Danny? There is such a large gap here, one could brainstorm countless possible motivations.

Furthermore, if that only covered his motivation to remove Plasmius, then what made him decide to fuse with him? Was he attempting to possess Plasmius as one ghost half trying to possess another for some reason? Was it internal panic? Was it a hunger for power pushing him to seize the opportunity that opened up? Why didn’t/couldn’t Plasmius fight Phantom off in the fusion scene?

These questions could be explored if the story of “The Ultimate Enemy” was redone. Present Danny, the Danny whose point of view we saw the episode from (rather than the Alternate Danny) hadn’t experienced the Dan future himself, so he didn’t know what was going through his alternate self’s head (human or ghost) during Dan’s creation. How much of it was his fault? How much of it wasn’t? How did he fill in the holes in the story Future Vlad told to him based on his own insecurities, and what did he blame himself for?

For that matter, why not get present Vlad wrapped up in it too? Have him take responsibility for what is HIS. If not, the episode should’ve at least acknowledged that Dan was not entirely “Danny’s evil”, and made it clear that he was cleaning up both his and Vlad’s collective mess by himself. If the message of the evil future self being Danny corrupted to the side of evil was so necessary for the episode, then simply remove the fusion plot entirely from Dan’s origin and have Danny become a villain by his own moral corruption. It weakened the impact of the future-self villain being a warning of “what the hero should avoid becoming” by having the main character only become evil by fusing with an already malevolent character.

3. The Observants’ conclusion that they had to kill Danny to save the world from Dan didn’t make sense, due to Vlad being primarily responsible for Dan’s evilness—but the episode, instead of acknowledging this inanity, actually reinforced the opposite.

Having now established that Vlad was half (if not more) at fault for Dan’s evil than Danny, the plot to kill Danny in the episode lost any of the ground it had to stand on.

(Nope...no, he didn’t have to.)

It was illogical for the Observants to assume killing Danny was the best way to stop Dan from existing when killing Vlad would equally achieve this (not to mention that either of these options were overkill, in the presence of the intervention methods mentioned in Section A). Without Vlad, Dan could not exist either. Eliminating Vlad would stop his continuous crimes against both worlds, and let Danny live to continue doing the good he’d done. After the events of “Reign Storm”, a large part of the Ghost Zone knew that Danny had saving Amity Park, and the entire Ghost Zone, under his belt—if an entire wasteland civilisation like the Far Frozen came to worship Danny for his victory against Pariah Dark (as shown in season three’s “Infinite Realms”).

(For that matter, where were the Observants hounding Clockwork to get on Vlad’s troublesome ass when he tried to steal the Crown of Fire and the Ring of Rage in “Reign Storm”, if Pariah Dark was so dangerous?)

If they were being somewhat rational, it was possible that they chose Danny as Vlad’s less powerful counterpart, and an easier target—even though they delegated the task off to Clockwork because intervention wasn’t their job, and they clearly acknowledged Clockwork’s power and competence to some degree. The Observants openly referred to Clockwork as the master of time while shirking their responsibility for fixing the future onto him, so whether or not killing Vlad would be too difficult for themselves would be irrelevant, since they made it Clockwork’s problem and became backseat commentators. Though, Clockwork would’ve probably foreseen Vlad’s importance in Danny’s emotional growth as his nemesis and also kept him alive anyway—but from a purely logical standpoint, it made little sense to execute Danny over Vlad, if they ever needed to kill anyone at all.

To be honest, the episode could’ve used the invalidity of the Observants’ plan to paint their incompetence more, expanding on Clockwork’s disdain for them and how he told the audience they “just observe”. However, to do that, the episode itself would’ve had to actually portray the Observants’ plan (not just the Observants themselves, but their actual plan to kill Danny itself) as nonsensical. The episode never did, however, as it had Clockwork—the character portrayed as bolder and wiser than the Observants—reinforce their proposition as worth trying and go along with their request for Danny’s demise. He sent two ghosts to attack Danny (although the fight with Boxed Lunch was more of a moral test about giving Danny the CAT answers, rather than an attempt on his life, Danny “failed” that moral test before Clockwork sent Skulktech after him—so, the latter at least counted as a potential hit on Danny) to the extent of attempting to kill Danny himself on the last attempt. That Clockwork went along with the Observants’ plan showed that the episode saw the plan as reasonable, despite its illogicality.

(While there is a possible argument for Clockwork’s knowledge of how the episode would end—insinuating that he knew Danny would never actually end up dying—justifying why he went along with the plan in the first place, the next section of the essay shall tackle that. Since Clockwork is the Master of Time, and the issues with his character were heavily intertwined with the effects the time travel lore had on the plot, that shall be addressed in Category C, the section covering the mess created by the time-travel in the episode.)

...actually, that just gave me an idea. You know what would be interesting, if a little too much to content to stuff into the narrative? Having an Observant character distinguished as their own individual, who doubts the other Observants’ unreasonable decisions and becomes a rogue element to the rest of the council, directly intervening in the timeline themselves. The rogue Observant could abandon the council of Observants to side with Clockwork, and characterise Clockwork by having him change his globalised impression of the Observants to understand this new, non-conformist one as an ally. Or, perhaps the Observant plays a more compassionate foil to Clockwork, choosing to himself save Danny’s life from the ghost attacks Clockwork sent after him?)

#danny phantom #danny phantom analysis #danny phantom essay #the ultimate enemy #danny fenton #vlad masters #dan phantom #the observants #danny phantom clockwor #time to get into one of the longest sections of this essay hoo boy #I apologise for the verbosity

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leviiackrman · 4 years

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The Encyclopaedia of a Design Students Imagination

Part 5: Jess Carter-Drake (Uncharted)

Part 1: Ophelia | Part 2: Spectre | Part 3: Una | Part 4: Isaac

Notes: there was wayyyy too much to include in her bio, so if anyone is ever interested in a longer writing of her story I can look into it!! anyway this one is long haha (she has been 4 years in the making...)

Words: 1,774

Tags: @chuckhansen @simonxriley @ciriofcintras @noonvvraith @ginadotjpg @ayrennaranaaldmeri @missdictatorme @callumtvrner @emuzeek @tommymillers

Having been born to a family of adventure, Jess was raised in Britain with the knowledge of treasure hunting; the lifelong profession of her father. With her sister Molly and Brother Aaron, the siblings had an average childhood – but with their fathers interest in history and travel, it soon became apparent where Jess’ attention really was focussed.

Over the coming years, she had followed her mother’s advice of keeping safe as best she could by choosing to study History at university; rather than pursuing her dream career alongside her father. At the age of 19 – while travelling home at night with her father – the two were struck by a truck, resulting in a terrible crash that unfortunately took the life of her father. Out of fear of being his distraction, Jess was terrified to go home, and so fled the UK where she lived on the run for a year or so.

---

Before long, she had made her way to Panama with the little money she had earnt from ‘trading’ goods – a thief’s term for stealing and selling on. Upon finding a decent venue to next smuggle from, Jess planned her approach carefully, but was caught by another shady figure attempting to rob the same Museum. Caught off guard by his presence, she failed to notice his gun before he shot the approaching night guard; fleeing out the window and creating the perfect sabotage for the young girl.

She was arrested shortly after and was thrown into the local prison. Surrounded by crooked smiles and wandering eyes, Jess found herself alone in her prison cell, the only place available being in the male quarters. But after all she was a murderer, so why shouldn’t she be with the worst of the worst – right?

With her new reputation on her belt and the guards not wanting another incident, they kept her separate for a while, until one day she overheard the guards complaining of a broken radio and offered her assistance. It took little persuading to be allowed inside their office – much to her disliking – before showing how the device could be fixed. Deciding she had more use than a treat for the eyes, the guards ordered her to work more around the prison, fixing light switches and other devices.

Within a year she had found herself comfortably wandering around the prison, tool kit in hand onto her next job. A set of lights in B wing had blown during the night, and while fixing one set, the guards ordered a search and sweep of the cell block. Those who refused to move were beaten – horrifically. When the man to her side refused to move, she made her best effort to avoid watching what was about to transpire. Seeing he was clearly in pain rather than being stubborn, she jumped down from her ladder as the guards left to get the man in charge, pulling him to his feet and returning to her station before they returned.

It didn’t take long for this mysterious man to find her, questioning her relentlessly on why she was even there. With the agreement to keep their personal lives and motives to themselves, the pair formed a close bond within the next year, sneaking many moments together without raising the guards suspicions.

---

2 years into her encapsulation, Jess was discovered within the prison and bailed out by none other than Rob; her father’s best friend and professional partner. Concerned for where she had disappeared to, he tracked her down, releasing her from prison and taking her back to the UK. Although relived to be free once more, Jess was adamant she didn’t wish to return home; begging Rob to take her elsewhere so she didn’t have to face the grief of her mourning family.

He agreed to take her somewhere private – somewhere she could be trained to fulfil the career laid out before her. Not knowing where she was going, Jess arrived at Croft Manor where she was introduced to the one and only Lara Croft. With their fathers having been close affiliates in earlier years, Rob was keen to see the 2 work together and learn from one another. Within the next several years – when Jess was now 24 – she had learnt a lot from her new friend (and lover, for a time), but wished to begin travelling again, missing the thrill of causing trouble.

With some solid contacts up her sleeve, Jess was able to make a name for herself within the business, becoming noteworthy to those around her. Aspiring to complete the works her father could not, she was approached by Elena Fisher – and inquisitive reporter keen to learn more of her travels. Over time the two became extremely close, their friendship lasting for years after. Introduced to other notable faces in Elena’s circle, Jess continued to work independently until she was unexpectedly recruited to help discover the location of one Henry Avery’s forgotten treasure.

With a hefty price laid out in front of her by her new employer Rafe Adler, she successfully acquired an old St. Dismas Cross, only to later discover it was worth a lot more than he was paying. Determined to earn a fair wage for her efforts, she donated the artifact to the Rossi estate, where she could witness the auction herself. While searching the venue as any good pick pocket would, she ran into Victor Sullivan – another acquaintance of her father’s she had met many years prior. Knowing of his shady business, his appearance piqued her interest and she soon discovered his plan alongside the infamous Drake Brothers.

---

Locking herself in an office to capture the thief who stole her cross, she could hear the commotion in the main hall of all the attendants being escorted out. Thankfully, she wasn’t the only one who chose this hiding place. Appearing from the shadows was a taller gentleman, almost definitely in communication with Sullivan, but didn’t resemble that of Nathan. Not wishing to waste time, she carefully staged the scene – a frightened guest wishing to escape the havoc outside and was graciously saved by the incredibly handsome stranger, blah blah blah.

With his interest now focussed on her, she swiped the cross and began to run; only to end up having a full blown brawl with this stranger to win the cross. The playful flirtation expired and her patience diminishing, she instinctively threw them both through the office doors and out into the hall where the rest of the shooting was taking place. Not wishing to die for nothing, she took her chance to run; leaving the cross behind but carefully watching the exterior so she could follow the boys on their way out.

---

It took a lot of persuasion, but as she explained her situation when approaching them at their hotel, her connection to Elena soon had her welcomed into the group. Sam on the other hand, not so much. Not knowing one another’s names, the years since they had met had faded their memories of one another without them knowing, and in doing so created a tension that lasted a good while into their adventure. Through-out their countless travels and endeavours, the group grew closer, taking each hit in stride and instinctively defending one another. The tension between the eldest Drake and the young explorer soon faded, this forgotten connection arising once more the longer they worked together.

With countless lies revealed along the way, Jess and Sam’s past was soon revealed to them when Rafe held them captive – finding humour in the fact the pair had no clue. Determined to leave Libertalia alive, Jess tried hard to persuade Sam to leave with them, promising more fruitful adventures in the future. Although sustaining a good few new scars along the way, the events of the past few months drove Sam and Jess increasingly closer to one another, keeping in close contact thereafter.

Aware of their past and the position Sam was now in, Jess helped him as much as she could to rebuild his life outside of prison. Over time they spent more time together, soon developing a secret relationship they thought would be fun to keep from the others, until eventually all their close friends knew. Within the first year of being together, a rift surfaced between them in the form of Jess’ ex colleague – Abigail. Successfully snatching Sam away, Jess left sam when she heard of him cheating, feeling empty for months after. Despite this, the two of them were able to work past it, her heart always slightly fragile around him even years into their relationship.

When things became more stable again, the mysterious stranger from Jess’ past in Panama returned, unveiling himself when he kidnapped both of them. Oscar – the man then revealed as the one who murdered her father – wanted to finish his business with the Carter family for good by employing Jess and Sam to find the missing relics of The Fountain of Youth – her father’s most precious job he could never complete. While not wanting to cause more troubles, they followed their orders while held captive, until at the last minute they saw an opening to escape, fighting off their attackers and trying to flee the area. In doing so, Jess was stabbed in the lower abdomen with her own blade, slowly dying in Sam’s arms as he struggled to get her back to a hospital.

---

Recovering from her injuries, they both returned home to live out their lives together, settled in their own apartment together close to Nathan and Elena. Although not certain that marriage was for them, when a sudden job was presented to Sam that he just couldn’t turn down, the 2 committed to marrying, having a small gathering with their closest friends and family.

With many obstacles in their lives, their individual lives work completed and having been successful enough to worry no more, the couple settled further into their lives together when surprisingly Jess became pregnant. Unsure of how to handle the situation and both nervous of what was to come next, they worked to have the birth of their son Tobin not upset the comfortable lifestyle they had built for themselves. As her grew older, they became more comfortable in their new world of parenting, leading to them having another but this time a little girl by the name of Natalie.

Suspense, danger, and tragedy; all ending in a fulfilled and peaceful life spent by the coast as their children grew older, their fears behind them and the comfort of each other guiding them through the final chapters of their lives together.

#my ocs #my writing #oc: jess drake #uncharted #character description #sorry if it doesnt make sense #in my head it does but then again i know all the things not mentioned..#oops

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pendingproductivity · 3 years

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2020 READING RECAP!

This year sucked ass in so many ways, but it might be the best year of reading I’ve ever had. I discovered so many new favorites, revisited some old favorites, and even read a few books multiple times. In this post, I’ve listed my top five favorite books from this year in the order that I read them because I don’t think I could possibly rank them against each other. They have all become some of my favorite books of all time. I’ve also included a few honorable mentions which are ranked with my favorite listed first. And lastly, I have two notable rereads of some old favorites. I also added links to each book on goodreads and bookshop so you can easily add anything to your tbr or buy it! This is going to be a long one, so buckle up. Without further ado, here is an overview of the books I read in 2020!

s t a t s :

reading goal: 30

total books read: 31

new (to me) books read: 22

average rating: 4.2/5 stars

t o p f i v e f a v o r i t e s :

Beartown and Us Against You by Fredrik Backman

(Yes, I know I’m kind of cheating by counting this as one book but just roll with me here) Beartown takes place in a tiny community in rural Sweden which is defined by their hockey club. When the junior hockey team has a chance at winning the national championships, the entire town throws their full support behind them. The burden of the pride of their community rests on the shoulders of a handful of teenage boys. For one, the pressure boils over and he commits an act of violence that leaves a young girl traumatized, and the entire community divided.

Late one evening toward the end of March, a teenager picked up a double-barreled shotgun, walked into the forest, put the gun to someone else's forehead, and pulled the trigger.

This is the story of how we got there.

These two books were downright spectacular. Over the course of this year, I’ve completely fallen in love with Backman’s writing style (we love a good onomatopoeia) but more than anything else I just adore his characters. Each one is multidimensional, and even the most infuriating residents of Beartown have their redeeming qualities. I also love the attention he gives to even the side characters whose motivations shape the story even if they only appear for a few scenes. These are stories about right and wrong, courage and fear, and most of all, humanity itself. I laughed and cried and felt more emotions than I thought was possible. Beartown was amazing, but I actually thought that the sequel, Us Against You, somehow surpassed it, so make sure to read both!! (TW: rape/sexual assault)

goodreads - bookshop (Beartown) goodreads - bookshop (UAY)

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

Paul Kalanithi was thirty-six years old and on the verge of completing a decade’s worth of training to become a neurosurgeon when he was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. His memoir, When Breath Becomes Air, follows his journey from being a naïve medical student, to a brilliant neurosurgeon at Stanford, to being a cancer patient and a new father confronting his own mortality.

I began to realize that coming in such close contact with my own mortality had changed both nothing and everything. Before my cancer was diagnosed, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. After the diagnosis, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. But now I knew it acutely. The problem wasn’t really a scientific one. The fact of death is unsettling. Yet there is no other way to live.

This memoir caught me completely by surprise. It was assigned reading for an English class and I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it let alone completely reevaluate my perception of the world around me because of it. Kalanithi discusses learning, medicine, life, and death as he seeks to answer the age-old question, “What makes life worth living?” and the unique perspectives that he offered fascinated me. When Breath Becomes Air is an unfinished manuscript, since Kalanithi died in 2015, but the epilogue written by his wife might just be the best part of the whole book. To tell you that I was sobbing while reading it would be an understatement. The reason why this book made this list is because I finished it in March, but I still think about it relatively often. When Breath Becomes Air has left a lasting impact on my life, and I highly recommend it!

goodreads - bookshop

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Evelyn Hugo was a Hollywood legend, but after her sudden departure from show business in the late 80s, she completely fell out of the public gaze. Now she is finally ready to tell the true story about her scandalous and glamorous life and she has specifically chosen Monique Grant, a virtually unknown magazine reporter, for the job. For Monique this exclusive is the opportunity of a lifetime. Evelyn tells her story of ambition, friendship, love, and of course each of her seven husbands. However, it becomes evident that Evelyn’s life has intersected with Monique’s own in tragic and irreversible ways.

It’s always been fascinating to me how things can be simultaneously true and false, how people can be good and bad all in one, how someone can love you in a way that is beautifully selfless while serving themselves ruthlessly.

This. Book. It was absolutely captivating. I’m honestly not even sure what to say here without giving too much away. The plot is truly a wild ride as Evelyn leads Monique through the story of her life. There are so many twists and turns: some that I saw coming and others that completely blindsided me. And that not even to mention Evelyn Hugo herself who is one of the strongest, smartest, most compassionate and deeply flawed characters I’ve ever read about. All the characters were complex and layered, but she was really something else. There were so so many emotions and so many tears and I really don’t know what else to say. I’m begging you to read this book; it will blow your mind.

goodreads - bookshop

A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman

Ove is a curmudgeon whose life is turned upside down when a young, vivacious family moves in next door. That’s it. That’s the synopsis.

Death is a strange thing. People live their whole lives as if it does not exist, and yet it's often one of the great motivations for living. Some of us, in time, become so conscious of it that we live harder, more obstinately, with more fury. Some need its constant presence to even be aware of its antithesis. Others become so preoccupied with it that they go into the waiting room long before it has announced its arrival. We fear it, yet most of us fear more than anything that it may take someone other than ourselves. For the greatest fear of death is always that it will pass us by. And leave us there alone.

You’ve seen the Pixar movie: grumpy old man meets young person who shows him life is worth living and they become buds etc. etc. Sure, you could essentially boil down A Man Called Ove to that simple plotline but it is so much more than that. It’s heartbreaking and hopeful and you’ll laugh and cry while reading it. This was the most wholesome story I had read in a long time, and I thoroughly enjoyed every last bit of it. I’ve already explained my love of Backman’s unique writing style, but this novel in particular does a beautiful job of tackling deep themes such as grief and purpose with a generous serving of humor. I also just adored the ending. While this book isn’t at all fluffy or entirely lighthearted, it gave me all of he warm fuzzy feelings I was craving. I cannot possibly recommend it enough!

goodreads - bookshop

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Elizabeth Bennet and her four sisters must find wealthy husbands because upon their father’s death, the entirety of his estate will be passed on to a male cousin, leaving them penniless. Conveniently, a wealthy gentleman called Mr. Bingley moves into the neighborhood, bringing along his even wealthier although most unpleasant friend, Mr. Darcy.

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.

I definitely didn’t think that I was going to enjoy this book nearly as much as I did. The story truly is timeless, and I absolutely adored Elizabeth and Darcy. The biggest surprise I had while reading is that the humor is still funny today and of course Lizzy is fucking hilarious. She is confident, principled, and more than happy to roast the shit out of anyone who deserves it. And then there’s the matter of Mr. Darcy being so sweet and kind (after he stops being an asshole of course) and greatly contributing to the unattainable standards I have for men. It was also nice to have a socially awkward male lead, and in many ways I related more to him than to Lizzy. This book is everything I want from a romance novel plus class criticism and feminism and Elizabeth being an absolute badass. Enemies to lovers is my all time favorite romance trope and I loved reading one of the OGs. Also, I’d just like to add that Mary is the most underappreciated character of the whole novel because she’s really just trying her best. Mostly I was just completely impressed with how this novel has withstood the test of time and it has become one of my favorite classics! Please please give this book a chance even if you don’t typically enjoy classic novels!!

goodreads - bookshop - barnes&noble (this is the edition I have and it’s just so gorgeous I had to include it!)

h o n o r a b l e m e n t i o n s :

The Martian by Andy Weir

Mark Watney is one of the first people to ever walk on Mars, and now it seems like he’ll be the fist person to die there. A raging dust storm forced his crew to evacuate without him and he finds himself alone on the red planet with the entire world believing him to be dead. This book just barely missed being one of my top five of the year, but it was absolutely amazing. I love reading about people finding clever solutions to problems and that is basically what this entire story is. I maybe understood half of the technical science jargon if I’m being generous, but the story is plenty enjoyable even without extensive scientific knowledge. I adore Mark’s wit and mindset, and I loved watching him wriggle his way out of impossible situations with the odds completely stacked against him. The Martian is a story of perseverance and humanity, but it’s also absolutely hilarious. I highly recommend this one if you haven’t picked it up!!

goodreads - bookshop

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

Shaker-Heights appears to be the perfect place to raise a family. It’s progressive, has low crime rates and is all around an idyllic bubble. This all begins to change when a single mother and her daughter move into town with a disregard for the status quo, and a custody battle erupts, dividing the community. This was a great book that ended up being surprisingly thought provoking, and I particularly enjoyed the novel’s criticism of liberal idealism. The story itself was entertaining and I think it’s definitely worth a read!

goodreads - bookshop

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

Alex Claremont-Diaz is the first son of the United States who finds himself intertwined in a damage control PR stunt with his sworn nemesis, Prince Henry. They have to pretend to be best friends to ensure that their confrontation at the royal wedding doesn’t get in the way of American/British relations. I’m sure you can guess where this is going. This is totally a feel-good love story, but it also finds the time to tackle real issues surrounding politics and societal expectations. I loved this book so much that I read it twice this year (the second time because I was so stressed about the election and I needed to distract myself with the fictional 2020 election that takes place in the novel) and also I’m just a sucker for enemies to lovers. (sidenote: the turkey catastrophe is one of the greatest scenes in literary history and you cannot convince me otherwise) 100% would recommend!

goodreads - bookshop

n o t a b l e r e r e a d s :

The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

The Jim Dale audiobooks are my ultimate self-care tool when I’m stressed or sad; I just find them to be so comforting and I can’t explain why. Because of this I probably listen to at least one of the books every year, but it’s usually just whichever one I happen to be in the mood for. But it’s been so long since I’ve listened through the entire series, and this year seemed to be the perfect time to do so!

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

This used to be my favorite book of all time. I’m pretty sure I first read it in sixth or seventh grade and I’ve reread it so many times since. I’ve been planning on rereading this book my first year of university for such a long time, and the time finally came! The book especially hit hard this semester because Cath feels disconnected from everyone at school because she doesn’t want to go to parties or make much of an effort to find friends, and because of COVID, I ended up in almost the exact same situation, (except unfortunately my roommate doesn’t have a cute ex-boyfriend who hangs out in our room). This was definitely another comfort read like the HP audiobooks and it made me feel a bit better about being stuck in my dorm room.

If you actually made it to the end of all that, wow, you’re a real one. I hope you got a few new book recs out of this! If you want to see the thirteen other books I read this year, you can check out my 2020 reading challenge. I read so many amazing books this year I had hard time narrowing down my favorites, so there are still plenty more great reads that aren’t included in this post. If for some reason you feel like keeping up with the books I read in 2021, follow my goodreads account for dramatic and ranty book reviews. Happy New Year, and here’s to 2021 being full of wonderful books!

#booklr #reading #reading recap #reading wrap up #mine

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alonely-dreamer · 5 years

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Dangerous Creatures | Chapter 17: Untrustworthy Creatures

Summary: Mackenzie Alemaund is an unlucky 18 year old teenager whose life changes drastically after she gets kidnapped by two vampires and learns, in the same day, that she is not human.

Pairing: Elijah x OC

Words: 2642

A/N: Please, note that I am French so there might be some mistakes here and there, besides I couldn’t have it edited! I hope you’ll like it!

PS: I had to rewrite this chapter because it disappeared from my laptop (now I know I have Norton Security to thank for that 🤪). I’m afraid it’s not as good as the first version but… I hope you can still enjoy it!

Masterlist

New Series: The Valuable Sun

Mackenzie usually felt bad about lying, yet when Elena asked her if she had seen any ghosts the day before, she lied. She didn’t feel like talking about it. Somehow, she knew Elena would bombard her with questions and Mackenzie didn’t feel strong enough to answer them. She wished Elijah were there. She’d have talked about it with him. She wanted to talk about it with him.

So, instead of talking about her dead mother, they talked about what they had discovered the previous night, thanks to a dead werewolf named Mason Lockwood, whom Damon had killed earlier that year. He had led the vampire into a cave where Alaric had later found carvings dating from way before Mystic Falls was founded. Given the Viking scripts they had found there, and how they translated into names, names they knew too well, they had asked Mackenzie to help them uncover the meaning of it. So, that’s how she ended up there, standing in the middle of a dark, cold, humid cave, telling Elijah’s story to Elena, Alaric and Damon.

“That’s Kol and Finn, Elijah’s brothers,” she said, pointing at the names on the wall, confirming Alaric’s translation. “Mikael is their father. Esther is their mother. They lived among the werewolves as humans before their mother turned them into vampires.”

“I take it that’s the Original witch,” Damon said.

“I guess,” Mackenzie shrugged. Elijah had never called her that. “Does Rebekah know you’re trying to wake her father?” She wished they wouldn’t. Sure, he could kill Klaus, but he also could kill Rebekah, and Elijah.

“Not yet,” Elena said. “But I’ll tell her when I ask her about all of this.”

“Are you sure you wanna do that?”

“I don’t have a choice. If we wanna know the truth, we gotta go straight to the source.”

“Well…” Mackenzie sighed. “Good luck with that.”

***

The elemental helped the history professor take pictures of the carvings and then helped him translate them once they were back in his apartment. Bonnie joined them, bringing the Original witch’s necklace with her, confirming what Alaric was thinking and translating the symbol that had the same design. Witch. Werewolf. Vampire. That wall told the story of the Original family.

They went back to the cave later that night with Elena who wanted to compare Rebekah’s story with the symbols on the walls.

“We filled in what we could,” Alaric told her. “We’ve got vampire, werewolf, slaughter, mayhem, etc,” he said as he stuck the post-it notes on the wall.

“That’s the white oak tree that was used in the spell to create the vampires,” Elena said as she flashed her flashlight over the carvings. “Which means,” she continued as she moved her flashlight over the next drawings, “that was when they burned down the tree, destroying the only way they could be killed.”

“Yeah,” Mackenzie nodded. “We already went over that. The thing I found that didn’t coincide with what Elijah told me was this,” she said, shedding light over the last symbols on the wall. “Elijah said that his father killed his mother.”

“Yeah, Rebekah said the same thing.”

“Then I can’t explain this,” the elemental said. “This is the witch symbol with a bleeding heart: Esther. And this is her, but upside-down.”

“Upside-down figures usually signify death of some kind,” Alaric explained.

“So, this must be the story of her death. But this symbol,” she said, pointing at the one in the middle, “is the symbol for both vampire and werewolf.”

“A hybrid,” Elena breathed out, coming to the same conclusion as her friends.

Mackenzie nodded. “Mikael didn’t kill his wife. Klaus killed his mother.”

“I need to tell Rebekah,” Elena said.

“Are you crazy?” Alaric asked. “She’ll kill you!”

“She deserves to know the truth! If she hears Klaus killed her mother and lied about it, she’ll turn on him.”

“Or she’ll kill you,” he repeated.

“I’ll go with you,” Mackenzie said.

Elena wasn’t her friend, Rebekah deserved to have a friend there when she heard that her brother killed their mother. Because Elena was right, she deserved to know the truth. Because Rebekah had been living with an abusive man for a thousand years and Mackenzie related all too well to it. It was time she broke free.

***

Mackenzie spent the entire night comforting Rebekah. Alaric had been right, the vampire was ready to kill Elena after she told her the truth about what really happened to her mother. Mackenzie didn’t know if it was because she was a vampire and everything was heightened for her, faster for her, but the vampire went through the five stages of grief in one night. First denial, then anger, that was when she had tried to kill Elena, then depression, when she cried all the tears in her body on Mackenzie’s shoulder, and finally, acceptance, when she agreed to help them kill Klaus. Maybe, she thought, it was because deep down she knew that her brother would be capable of it. Maybe, she wasn’t surprised by it at all.

Mackenzie couldn’t help but find it despicable. Using her grief like that, to get her to do what they needed from her, to get her to kill her brother, no matter how despicable that brother was himself, Mackenzie didn’t feel good about it at all. In fact, she felt guilty.

Damon and Stefan came through with their part of the plan. As Elena was shattering Rebekah’s world and destroying everything she had believed for the past thousand years, the two brothers had been making a deal with Mikael. To Mackenzie’s dismay.

Mikael was very motivated and determined. When Mackenzie left Rebekah’s bedroom in the morning, while the vampire was still sleeping, she had come across his dead body on the living room floor. He had a dagger in his chest. Stefan, Elena and Damon were standing there, like it was business as usual. And to them, it was.

“We need Klaus to believe his father is dead. We can’t risk Stefan’s compulsion selling us out,” Elena explained.

“Get Rebekah,” Damon told the elemental. “Klaus will want to talk to her.”

Mackenzie sighed, but nodded. Damon had been right, Klaus had wanted to talk to his sister. And Rebekah had come through. She didn’t stay long, though. As soon as Klaus hung up, she went back to her room. She was terrified of her father, even as he laid there, dead, she didn’t want to approach him.

Mackenzie wasn’t sure if it was because Rebekah cared that much about the homecoming dance, if she wanted to avoid her father, or if she wanted a distraction from the fact that her brother would be dead soon, but she had spent the entire day getting ready for the party. Mackenzie had helped as much as she could. Not being a fan of dances herself, she wasn’t a big help, but she tried to distract Rebekah as best as she could. Mackenzie welcomed the distraction too, as she couldn’t help but worry about what Mikael would do to the rest of his children once he was done with Klaus.

Rebekah was almost ready. And very early. She was wearing a sleeveless red dress that fitted her perfectly. Mackenzie would never dare wear such a dress, she didn’t have the confidence for it. Helping Rebekah get ready for the dance reminded her of the night when she went to the 60’s dance with Elijah. One of the last moments she had spent with him. That night too, they had tried to kill Klaus. She wondered if this night would be any different.

“Elijah took you to a high school dance?” Rebekah asked with a laugh as she admired herself in the mirror. “I would have loved to see that.”

“Getting a head start, uh?” Elena interrupted. She showed up behind them, leaning against the doorframe.

Rebekah looked up at Elena’s reflection in the mirror. “Embarrassing truth,” she said with a small smile. “This is my first high-school dance.”

“Ever?” the doppelganger asked, surprised, as she stepped inside.

“I never really had time for high school before. Nik and I were always moving around. Running,” she paused, thinking about the reason that they ran for ten centuries was somewhere downstairs. “Anyway. I didn’t want to leave anything to chance,” she paused again, hesitating. “Have you heard any more from him?”

“No. But I’m sure that when he does return, he’ll do it with flair.”

“And Damon and my father are all set with their plan?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. I just want to go to the dance and leave the rest to Mikael.”

“I know it’s really hard,” Elena said as she approached. “So thank you for helping us get Klaus back into town.”

“Just be careful,” Rebekah warned her, turning around to face her. “I’ve been running for a thousand years for a reason. Mikael is not a good person and he definitely can’t be trusted. No one in my family can.”

Mackenzie would have disagreed but decided to keep quiet. After all, she had known Elijah for a month. Rebekah had been his sister for a millennium.

“Are you okay?” Elena asked.

“I’ve spent my whole life loving and hating my brother with equal measure,” she said with tears in her eyes. “I never thought that I’d be the one to help drive a stake through his heart.”

Mackenzie placed a hand on Rebekah’s shoulder and the vampire shook her head, then turned back to the mirror.

“No tears. I don’t want to ruin my makeup,” she smiled sadly. “How do I look?”

“You look amazing,” Elena told her. “But you’re missing one thing,” she said as she took out Rebekah’s mother’s necklace from her jeans pocket. “You should wear it tonight.” Rebekah smiled. “May I?” the doppelganger asked permission to put it around her neck and she nodded.

Mackenzie stepped back to give them space. She could see Rebekah was very emotional, but she was happy to see her smile.

“Thank you,” she told Elena as she brought a hand to her necklace.

But as soon as she touched it, a gasp of pain escaped her. Mackenzie jumped, startled by the sudden movement, confused by what had just happened. It took her a second to understand that Elena had just stabbed Rebekah in the back, with a silver dagger.

“What are you doing?!”

“I’m so sorry,” Elena said, “I can’t leave anything to chance either.”

Mackenzie instinctively stepped forward, trying to stop Rebekah from falling, but Elena got in her way.

“We can’t let her help Klaus.”

“She wasn’t going to help him!” Mackenzie shouted. “She trusted you! How could you do that?”

“I couldn’t risk it.”

Mackenzie didn’t know what to say, what to do, what to think. She was frozen to the spot, staring at Rebekah’s desiccated body lying at her feet. She couldn’t believe it, couldn’t believe Elena would do such a thing. Rebekah didn’t deserve it. She had helped, she was on their side, she was looking forward to the homecoming dance and Elena just stabbed her in the back.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Mackenzie snarled, ignoring her blood boiling in her veins. She took a step forward and the look on her face made Elena step back, but she didn’t get the time to take another step as two hands grabbed her shoulders and pushed her against the bed.

“Now don’t make me do something you’ll regret,” Damon threatened her as he pinned her hard against the mattress.

Mackenzie effortlessly pushed him away with her magic. She heard Elena gasp as the vampire’s back met with the ceiling, leaving a considerable dent. He groaned as he tried to get up, but Mackenzie ignored him. She stood up from the bed and was about to make her way towards Rebekah, planning on removing the dagger, when someone else appeared in the room and stopped right in front of her.

“Calm down, Mackenzie,” Katherine ordered her. “This isn’t a good idea.”

“You’re right. It was a terrible idea and now I’m fixing it.”

“You can’t,” Elena begged. “She’ll work against us!”

“Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you stabbed her in the back!”

“She’ll kill me!”

“Maybe you deserve it!” Mackenzie barked at the doppelganger.

A heavy silence took over the room. Katherine watched Damon in the corner of her eye, just in case he decided to do something he’ll regret. Elena and Mackenzie looked at each other like they were strangers. They didn’t recognize who was standing in front of them. Elena spoke first.

“You’re right. What I did is wrong. And I’m not proud of it. But I couldn’t take the risk. I just… I just couldn’t. Klaus has to die tonight. He’s done too much.”

The elemental stared at the doppelganger, contemplating setting the house on fire. But then her mother’s words echoed in her head. You can’t let your emotions control you. You need to control the fire, or it will consume you. Mackenzie sighed, closed her eyes, then took a deep breath. Elena wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t right, but she wasn’t wrong. Klaus had done too much. He had daggered Elijah, he had killed Jenna, had turned Tyler into a hybrid, had turned Stefan into a ripper… It didn’t make it right, but she understood why she had done it.

“Good luck with tonight,” Mackenzie whispered before she walked away without giving anyone a single look.

***

Mackenzie was a terrible friend. On the three friends she had made this year, two of them had ended up being daggered in front of her and she hadn’t been able to help either of them. She was one of the most powerful creatures on this planet, and she couldn’t even keep her friends alive. What a joke. No matter how hard she tried to calm herself, she couldn’t. It didn’t help that she was driving back to Elena’s house.

She felt conflicted. On one hand, she wished they’d fail tonight, because of what they did to Rebekah, on the other, if Klaus died, it would be easier to get Elijah back, that is, if Mikael didn’t kill him first.

Trying to cool down (literally), Mackenzie drew herself a bath. Water always calmed her. If fire made her hot-tempered, water did the exact opposite. But tonight, even water couldn’t calm her worry. She had left so fast that she hadn’t even bothered to ask why Katherine was there. She wondered what part of the plan she was a part of.

She fell asleep in the bath and was awaken by someone knocking on the front door. When she got out, she realized it was over midnight. Whoever it was would tell her if Klaus was dead, or if everybody else was.

She quickly put on an old robe and went to open the door. She was relieved to see her friend was standing on the other side, unharmed.

“Are you still mad at me?” was the first thing Katherine said.

“Depends. Did you know she’d do that?”

“No idea. She acted on her own,” she said, like she was impressed.

“Is Klaus dead?”

“Not even a little,” Katherine sighed.

Mackenzie didn’t know if she was relieved or disappointed. “What happened?”

“Elena will tell you. I’m leaving town, I just came to say goodbye.”

“Where are you going?”

“Far, far away. Klaus will kill me on sight.”

Mackenzie nodded, understanding why her friend had to go, but not happy about it. Katherine was about to leave but before she could walk away, Mackenzie moved to hug her.

“I’m gonna miss you.”

It took a few seconds for Katherine to hug her friend back.

“Don’t do anything stupid,” was the vampire’s last words before she disappeared into the night.

**********

Thank you for reading!

Chapter 18 is already available for early access on my Patreon page! Chapter 19 to 22 are available for instant access! If you’d like to support me here’s my page: patreon.com/alonelydreamer any support is highly appreciated!!

If you can’t, it’s okay! Chapter 18 will be posted on Tumblr next Wednesday!

Have a good week!

Tags: @thepoet1975 @nerdysandwichqueen @catchmeupimgettingoutofhere @raegan-hale @captainam-erika-trash @silver424 @monetfatalia @vaniileiinkeks @valeria-winchester @favimag @colie87 @hamiltonmadesomemistakes @s0nh4dorasblog @poemfreak306 @white-chocolate-mocha-fan @thegingerthatwaited @therealwatermelon @dark-night-sky-99@aubri1313 @jardinsecos @gymnastgal1997-blog @thearaviagrace77blog

#vampire diaries #the vampire diaries #tvd #the originals #elijah mikaelson #oc #fanfiction #fanfic #imagine #reader #elena gilbert #katherine pierce #katherine x oc #katherine x reader #elijah x oc #elijah x reader #klaus mikaelson #rebekah mikaelson

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ohwriteiforgot · 4 years

Text

One last game of Tag? Agents of Shield #PartingShot

With this tag game, I want to know the answers to these five (5) questions and then tag 5 or more mutuals. Wasn’t tagged but want to join? Join in ! Everyone is an essential part of this fandom! Name from @ agent.of.shield_ on Instagram ( @agents-of-fangirling ) who had a great idea to post a picture of yourself with a drink (or just a drink) and tag it #partingshot as a finale goodbye to the show.

Thank you for tagging me, @daisylincs and @everythingirl44. I’m in shambles and I still haven’t fully processed... all that. But we’re all in this together and we’ll be okay. We will.

Where were you in life when you first started to watching AoS?

I was... what, sixth? seventh? grade. I must have been 12 or 13 at the time. I discovered AoS when it was just a few episodes in, and I had just gotten really into Marvel, and I remember I’d loved The Avengers SO MUCH. And then can you imagine, Coulson was alive? I fell in love with this show from the first episode. I basically grew up with it.

Back then, I was just a kid who needed a push in the right direction. AoS, Marvel, they are the reason I met one of the most important people in my life. They’re the reason I’ve set up this particular path for myself.

(Back then, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. An adventure to dream of for the rest of my life.)

When I started watching AoS I had nothing exciting going on n my life. And the show gave me that, the excitement, the imagination that anything was possible, it gave me a solid ground to stand on throughout high-school and it gave me so many dreams. And friends.

Where are you now?

I’m about to start Uni in a month and a half (WTF?!?!?!?!) and I know what I want to do with my life. Mentally, I’m not in the best place, but I’ll get there too, no rush. I’m incredibly invested in the happiness of fictional characters and I’m going through the stages of grief over my favourite show in the world ending. I’ve grown. Thanks to AoS, I’m now certain that I want to be a professional writer. I want to affect people with my words and my imagination the way the AoS writers did, still do, because I will rewatch this series again and again and again, and I will never stop feeling everything.

I’m anxious and excited and the show I’ve been waiting for every summer, sometimes longer, is over. (I’m terrified that I’m losing my connection with the old me, studying abroad while all my friends are staying behind, and now not having this small thing to look forward to, to have it when I think I have nothing else.)

What character development arc (or storyline in general) did you love the most?

I’m tempted to say all of them, but that’s not entirely accurate. My answer would have to be Daisy. We literally grew up with her. We saw this kid - she was a KID - find a place to belong, a home, meet people who finally felt like family, find her true self, go through ups and downs, go through loss and joy and still come out on top of all this shit. If you think about it, that’s just life. Her happens to be a bit more extraordinary than ours, but it’s still just life.

What will you miss the most?

Everything. Of course, everything. I’ll miss the characters, I’ll miss the cast’s Instagram stories during shooting, the bts shots, I’ll miss the thrill and the panic of waiting for the next episode. I’ll miss Clark’s “We’ll be back in a moment” and the infuriating endings of the episodes. I’ll miss each and every one of them, every character, every actor, I’ll miss seeing how many people are in charge of creating the magic we see on our screens. I’ll miss the possibilities of the next journey, I’ll miss the wait.

I will miss everything, even though I will never really lose it.

Favorite quote?

Three I can immediately think of that have a deeper meaning to me and one I really loved for its reference to the MCU.

“With great power... comes a ton of weird crap that you are not prepared to deal with.”

Skye said that in the pilot. And then Daisy went and proved that in each and every episode. She may not have been prepared to deal with it, but I’m so proud of her for doing it nonetheless.

“The steps you take don’t need to be big. They just need to take you in the right direction.”

Jemma said this to Yoyo and I can’t stop thinking about it, especially in the past weeks. I keep repeating it to myself and it’s comforting to know that it’s true.

“This is what we were fighting for.” “Family.”

Daisy and Coulson in the last last episode, speaking words of truth, completely wrecking me. I can’t even explain the impact this quote has on me. I hope I don’t have to.

“Barton, Romanoff, they never have an extraction plan.”

Pretty sure Coulson said this in season 1 and also pretty sure it was a nod at Clintasha which was later ruined by Jed Whedon’s brother but anyway, Phil, the problem here is that these kids are not Barton and Romanoff. Barton and Romanoff have always been different than the normal teams, you know that.

There are definitely others I’m missing. There is a ton more I wish there was, too. In a nutshell, just like Daisy, that’s what Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. was to me: family.

@thereisnocabbageinbasingse, @paradise-by-the-dashboard-light, and anyone else who’s a part of this fandom and hasn’t been tagged yet. Thank you guys too. The fandom is just as much a part of the show as everything else. Thank you.

#challenge #aos #aos finale #parting shot #I'm crying now

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behind-the-hood · 5 years

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Here's How Overwhelmed I Am:

WIPs (In No Particular Order)

1. Superbat. Omegaverse and character death. Jason died while Clark was in space looking for Krypton, and he comes back to Bruce in major mourning. A Superman Returns and Death of the Family crossover.

2. Superbat. No warnings. Clark is taken in by the Luthors while he's still a baby, but not as part of the family. He's treated as a experimental pet, and locked in the secret basement of LexCorp. Batman saves him--by accident. The Batfamily works to help Clark adjust to human life. Inspired by Togainu no Chi's Kau.

3. Superbat. Major character death. Bruce dies during a battle and Clark falls into a deep depression after not being able to save him. This story is him working through the stages of grief.

4. Lamen. No warnings yet. Laurent is a vampire hiding a werewolf in the dungeon of his castle. Damen is that werewolf. The plot is still in progress.

5. Superbat. Omegaverse and dub-con. Omegas are top dogs and will keep alphas as their pets, since alphas are such a rarity. They are prized but are little more then breeders. Bruce is heavily against this, but he couldn't help falling in love with his silent alpha. The alpha runs the first chance he gets, after years of being in Bruce's care. Bruce let's him go. He meets Superman years later, and is still hung up on his alpha. But Superman is persistent, and there's something just so familiar about him.

6. Bruce x Lex/Superbat. No warnings yet. Bruce and Lex are the power couple of the East Coast. But Superman keeps getting in the way, and Lex keeps endangering civilians to kill the alien, and Bruce has to make a choice of one man, or neither. The plot is still in progress.

7. Superbat. No warnings. The Batman of Gotham has to be a myth. No one outside of Gotham has seen him before, he's completely silent to the rest of the hero community, and even half the Gotham police force claims he isn't real! But the other half does, and that's enough to convince the Justice League to look into it.

8. Bruce x Talia/Superbat. Dark themes and emotional child abuse. Bruce makes his first kill just after he turns sixteen, but he's avenged his parents and pleased his master. With Talia as his bride and their first child on the way, he feels like he could rule the world. Talia has worries however, as their lives carry them back to Gotham and Bruce goes heavily undercover for Ra's. The brainwashing isn't taking like it used to, and Bruce is slipping more from her fingers everytime he comes back from a meeting with the Justice League. The plot is still in progress.

9. Superbat. Implied emotional abuse. Batman is captured by Luthor and, instead of killing him as planned, Batman's reverted to a teenager. The problem with this, other than the obvious, is that all of his memories have gone as well. Bruce thinks he is still being trained by the League of Assassins, and is horrified to discover how old Alfred has gotten, and that he has children, and has an alien boyfriend.

10. Superbat. Omegaverse, threatened non-con, and some dark themes. Clark is the last alpha on earth, and Bruce is one of the few omegas left. And once captured by the government, they are expected to mate and produce more alpha and omega children, like it's that easy. Being locked in a room together forces their hands; they must either comply, or work together to escape.

11. Laurent x Torveld/Lamen. Omegaverse. Damen and Laurent have pined after one another for many years, but Damen didn't make his intentions known soon enough, for the next time he sees Laurent, he learns of his betrothal to Torveld, an alpha prince from Patras. With broken hearts and much longing, will Laurent and Damen accept what fate has wrought?

12. Lamen. Implied underage themes and slavery. Auguste and Damen meet on the battlefield, and Auguste lowers his sword, begging for Damen to hide him away. He warns that his uncle is attempting to have him and his family killed so he can take the throne for himself. Damen doesn't want to believe it, just another Veretian lie, but then the horns blow. A signal that a royal has fallen, and Damen knows it to be true. That is how Damen finds himself with the Veretian crown prince hiding undercover as his slave, just long enough for Auguste to come up with a plan to save his brother and his throne. The plot is still in progress.

13. Lamen. Emotional child abuse. Damen and Auguste meet at Auguste's coming of age, and then again at Damen's. They've grown close over the years, but Damen hasn't yet met the younger prince. Auguste tells Damen of how shy Laurent used to be, even with the crush he'd developed for Damen. Damen is curious and comes to visit Arles to meet the young prince, only to find that at every turn, Laurent is under his uncle's wing, constantly in one lesson or another. The plot is still in progress.

14. Lamen. Underage themes and dark themes. Auguste and Damen were cops, partners actually, until Auguste got shot and killed during a drug bust. Damen was supposed to watch his back and keep him safe, and now Auguste's little brother has no one but his uncle left. After losing his brother, Laurent is trapped with his uncle, a sex trafficker and pimp. A pedo too. And Laurent can't meet Damen's eyes anymore, especially once the physical abuse starts, after Laurent's grown too old for his uncle's pleasure. So he avoids Damen, and it's all too easy for Laurent to slip back into the trade. He knows sex, and he's good at it; and with enough money, he can run away from his uncle and this town and this life, and start over fresh. Even if he can't see Damen anymore. The plot is still in progress.

15. Lamen. The Papa Makedon series.

16. Original story. No major details yet. The plot is still in progress.

17. Lamen. Omegaverse and implied underage themes. To prevent war and keep his yet unborn sibling safe from his disgusting uncle's clutches, Auguste proposes that Damen, should he present as alpha, marry the unborn child, on the condition it be either a girl or an omega, so Damianos--clearly an alpha to be--can produce heirs. It is accepted on those term, and an unsteady peace is born, along with the child not minutes later. A boy. Over the years meetings are arranged so the betrothed couple can grow to know one another, but the problem becomes persistent and causes tension within the kingdoms; Laurent is well passed being of age, and has yet to present.

18. Lamen. Some underage themes and more to be added. Laurent is dragged away from the safety of his brother by his uncle and poisoned. The poison takes his sight from him. He's presented to the Akielons as a prize for winning Delpha back, a peace offering, a show of no hard feelings. Laurent knows if he is discovered, he'll be killed on sight, and he'll never be with Auguste again. So he keeps silent, and hopes the Akielons are not too harsh with him. The plot is still in progress.

19. Lamen. Canon theme warnings. Everything is essentially the same, except Laurent is a girl. This story will be exploring the taboos of Vere. The plot is still in progress.

20. Lamen. No warnings. Damen is the king of frat boys, and Laurent is his loving, nerdy boyfriend. The plot is still in progress.

21. Lamen. Pirates of the Caribbean AU. The plot is still in progress.

22. Lamen. Heartbreakers AU. The plot is still in progress.

Ideas Written Down But Not Yet Started/Elaborated On (In No Particular Order)

1. Superbat. Captive Prince AU.

2. Superbat. Injustice AU. Non-con and major character death.

3. Lamen. Soulmate AU.

4. Superbat. Batman Who Laughs AU.

5. Superbat. The trinity is a band.

6. Lamen. The Little Mermaid AU.

7. Lamen. Cinderella AU.

8. Lamen. Little Red Riding Hood AU.

9. Lamen. Alice in Wonderland AU.

10. Superbat. No capes AU. The batfamily are all part of the military. Character death.

11. Lamen. The Proposal AU. This has already been done by someone, so expect mine to be very different.

12. Pairing undecided. King Author AU.

13. Superbat. The justice league is a police department. I want this to be funny, but I'll probably put a bunch of angst in it instead.

14. Superbat. Identity Reveal AU. Every screen on earth starts revealing the identity of superheroes, both new and old. And suddenly, the world isn't a safe place for any of them.

15. Lamen. Loveless/Omegaverse AU.

16. Superbat. Bruce is abducted by aliens. The Justice League is looking for him and his family is covering his disappearance. The aliens remove one of Bruce's arms and injects poison into one of his legs, testing a human's limitations and weaknesses before they invade. Bruce still manages to fight them off and escape. The aliens are horrified and decide to leave earth alone. Bruce ends up needing to get the leg amputated. The rest of the story will be about him coping.

17. Pairing undecided. Omegaverse. Omegas are born human. Alphas are born as animal hybrids. Betas do not exist.

18. OFC x Elleon. Story is about why he faked his death and chose not to tell her.

19. Lamen. Medusa AU. Laurent is a priest of Athena, one of the very few, and is raped by Poseidon for his beauty. To keep him safe from any man who would dare harm one of her most loyal worshippers again, she curses Laurent to a horrid form, and any man who meets his eyes is cursed in return to be turned to stone. Enter: Damen.

20. Lamen. Princess Bride AU.

21. Lamen. Dragon Age AU. Probably just gonna be Porn Without Plot, maybe Porn with a little Plot. Damen will be a Qunari.

22. Lamen. Laurent is a stripper and Damen is head of the Akielon Mafia. I plan to have Laurent give Nik a lap dance on Damen's orders as part of the job application. So I hope that's something to look forward to.

23. Lamen. Princess and the Pauper AU.

24. Lamen. Break Up AU.

25. Lamen. Rewrite The Bet series to be better and longer.

26. Lamen. Damen works at a psychiatric facility and Laurent is a patient there. Laurent believes he's a prince and swears he can here his brother's voice in his head and that his uncle, who used to visit him monthly, is plotting to take his kingdom. Mentions of underage non-con and some sort of questionable work ethics on Damen's part.

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pkmn-fangamer · 5 years

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Pokémon Uranium Review

Intro:

Enjoy the region of Tandor, with over 150 new original species of Pokémon, complex characters, and many secrets to discover. Become Champion, complete the Pokédex, and beat the many challenge modes available; it’s time to prove your worth as a trainer! Pokémon Uranium, at its core, is a homage to the original Pokémon games, which have been in the hearts of many of us since childhood. Coupled with a serious storyline and slightly harder gameplay, this fangame is aimed towards a slightly older audience: one that often remembers Pokémon with nostalgia.

How to Play:

Go to Pokemon Uranium’s Reddit here, which gives several download options and further instructions.

Story:

-Light spoilers below-

The story of this game is unique and interesting. For the most part it is strongest at the beginning and the end of the game, though it’s not particularly weak in the middle. There is a cut scene at the beginning of the game in which your mother is working as a scientist at a nuclear power plant, where she disappears during an accidental nuclear meltdown. Your dad, Ranger Kellyn, originally from the Almia region, is struck with grief, and becomes obsessed with his work as a ranger. You, the main character, are forced to live with your elderly Aunt, and later become a Pokemon trainer and assistant to the local professor to financially relieve her.

If you find the above summary of your first fifteen minutes of game play intriguing, you’ll probably enjoy the plot of Pokemon Uranium immensely. I certainly did- the game’s story mostly took itself seriously, getting dark in a few places without getting too edgy.

The biggest difference between main series games’ plot and Uranium is the lack of your average evil team. The enemy in this game is both physical and philosophical. I’ll only get into it partially, so I don’t spoil it too badly. The main enemy are Nuclear-type Pokemon, and whoever/whatever is causing the meltdowns of nuclear plants across the region. But these plants were obviously created by humans, and in turn Nuclear-type Pokemon are also in way man-made. Nuclear Pokemon may be the obvious enemy in this game, but the human perspective is also lightly explored, and for this I was glad.

This is also the first fan game I’ve played through in a while with genuinely interesting characters. Your rival is a bratty child at first but matures and develops as a person by the end, for example. Additionally, your absentee father may seem distant and uninvolved in your life at first, but eventually you grow closer to him too, as you battle Nuclear Pokemon alongside each other. Many of the gym leaders are also interesting past their gimmick, and are encountered not just in their gyms, but are also present in another part of the game that you’ll just have to find out for yourself.

Score: 9/10

Pokemon:

The Pokedex of this game contains exactly 200 Pokemon, about 150 of which are original Fakemon, the rest being Pokemon selected from various regions. At first, I was puzzled as to why some real Pokemon were included, but then I later realized that many of these Pokemon were either given new evolutions or mega evolutions, which in the main series are sorely needed. The best example of this is Dunsparce’s new evolution, Dunseraph, making it a strong Dragon/Flying type Pokemon. However, a there are a few main series Pokemon that are included without any improvements being made to them, so their appearance does confuse me a bit, though I’m not totally against their presence.

The Fakemon in this game are overall likeable. The starters are all well designed, and in my opinion are some of the best Pokemon in the game. They are unique because they’re only two stage Pokemon, with all main series starters being 3 stage Pokemon. I picked Orchynx, which is a Grass/Steel cat Pokemon, and there was never a point where I regretted my choice. The rest of the Fakemon are pretty good- there are some designs I’m not the biggest fan of, but this can be said about many official Pokemon too. The Fakemon range widely in abilities, types, and movepools- which brings me to my next topic.

Undoubtedly, one of the biggest gimmicks of the game is the new Nuclear-type. Nuclear Pokemon are weak against every type except themselves, but their new Nuclear-type moves are super-effective against every type but Nuclear and Steel-types, and doubly so against Pokemon with more than one type. This makes these Pokemon super interesting to use- the strongest of their types can be the ultimate glass cannon in battle if used correctly.

There are both Nuclear versions of main-series Pokemon and some original Nuclear Pokemon present in the game. The former are much more numerous than the latter, and I wish there were a few more original Nuclear types, but I understand coming up with new Pokemon for a new type must be time consuming and difficult.

Score: 9/10

Gameplay:

The gameplay of Uranium is great overall. While the game is contained in a single region, there is an East and West segment that makes it almost seem like there are two different regions in the game. The West half that you begin on is land-based, and the East half is water-based, on an archipelago of islands. The wealth of different cities, areas of interest, and routes are sure to give the player more than enough to take in and explore.

For those of you curious, I would put the difficulty of Uranium at a bit above the average main series game. It’s not horrifically hard, and not much grinding is necessary until towards the end of the game. A balanced team will help you get far, and I’d say it’s rather important to have a Steel-type, Nuclear-type, or both on your team to help you get through battles with Nuclear Pokemon. However, if you’re looking to bump up the difficulty level in playing, having neither of those types will definitely help challenge you.

HMs are present in this game, but there are items that you can receive later to replace them. It is nice that these items become available later in the game, but I wonder why HMs exist at all in the game if the creators were willing to replace the HMs with items. I would have preferred receiving these items rather than HMs from the get-go, but it is pleasant at least that you don’t need HMs eventually. My biggest gripe about HMs is how late you receive HM Fly in the game- not until winning your 8th badge. Luckily, there are various methods of transportation available, like subway and boat, but paying for these services and coordinating which methods work in what town is a little tedious.

In general, the gameplay of Uranium is very polished. There are so many tiny features that make this game more playable than even main series game, still without making the game too easy. One such feature is the Pokepod, your main technological device. In it, there is a Jukebox used to listen to any in-game track, your region map, and a phone to call the regional professor, and store numbers of trainers looking for rematches. A Pokeball is present next to trainers who want rematches, and best of all, your opponent’s rematch team has levels that are scaled to be equivalent to yours. This makes grinding much easier and more enjoyable.

Score: 8.5/10

Art/Music:

The overworld art resembles Gen 4 graphics in a way that is creative and original- I can barely find a tile that was imported directly from Gen 4, aside from some overworld character sprites. The landscapes are varied and nice to look at, many of them being based on the country Brazil. My favorite city is Venesi City, which is a beautiful port city based on Venice, Italy.

The in-battle art and animation are fantastic as well, based on Gen 5, with your Pokemon and your opponent’s actually moving around a bit. There are also many moves with great animations. However, there is also a fair number of moves lacking any animation. This bothered me a little, but perhaps it could have been a glitch? Either way, the battle scene is very polished- almost every new area has new background art accurate to whatever time of day it currently is. With how much time is spent battling in this game, I appreciate the effort put in to make it look as nice as it does.

The music in Uranium is about a 50/50 split of well-composed original OSTs and re-orchestrated versions of tracks from other generations. Since these re-orchestrations are well made and contribute well to the game’s atmosphere, I don’t mind the lack of original music in these spots. I especially enjoyed that the diving theme was a slower, more beautiful version of the in-game surf music.

There is one more important thing of note before I move on, and that is the ability to choose a well-designed, non-binary player character. Gamefreak should really pay attention and implement that feature (but I know they won’t). Fantastic job on inclusivity in this area, and I especially loved the proper usage of pronouns depending on which appearance you choose.

Score: 9.5/10

Misc:

If you play Pokemon fan games, or have even heard of them at all, then you probably know at least a little bit about the incredible rise and forced decline of Pokemon Uranium. I urge you to read about what really happened here, according to one of the creators, @oripoke. I don’t have much more to say about this topic without getting heated about it, so I suggest checking out the provided link here if you’re at all interested.

Because of the cease-and-desist order from Nintendo, the community for this game is a little more hidden than it would be for a famous fan game. However, you can find an extremely helpful wiki here, and the main discord here.

Overall:

I’ll begin my conclusion by saying that this is the third time I’ve attempted to finish Pokemon Uranium, and boy am I upset that I didn’t stick to following through with this gem of a game earlier. Uranium truly does have just about everything fans could want- a game with a slightly deeper storyline than main series games, with nearly all new Pokemon (and even some old ones, if you prefer), a new region to explore, and even a new type to spice things up.

I would gladly recommend this game to Pokemon fans new and old. This is a polished, pretty product, and you won’t find many other fan games as complete and polished as this one. There are almost no glitches- the only one that I experienced was the music cutting out occasionally, but the game can easily be saved and rebooted to fix this.

Usually I have more to say in this ending section, but I think that’s all for my final thoughts. This game really is just a work of art, and because of its interesting plot and gameplay, I can see myself picking Uranium up and playing it through again in a few years, possibly even more than once.

Final Score: 9/10

#pokemon #fakemon #pokemon uranium #review #pokemon review #uraniumreview #uraniumcommentary

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truthbeetoldmedia · 5 years

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The 100 6x10 “Matryoshka” Review

You know, when I was assigned this episode to review, I wasn’t expecting to be discussing a moment like THAT (you all know what I’m referring to), so please, be kind while I process by obsessively refreshing Twitter and try to put my thoughts together.

There’s definitely a lot going on in this episode, some of which I LOVED (take a wild guess on what part that is folks), and some of which I was less than fond of. It’s all high tension and high stakes, even more than the last. I’m a big fan of the moves they made to set everything into place; this is probably one of my favorite episodes of the season.

Action and Reaction

Here’s the thing. Putting almost all of your characters in one place forces conversation and development, which can turn out fascinating, or it can illuminate the truly unnecessary plot points and characters that have been hanging on all season.

Raven and Abby are back from space and being taken prisoner like the rest of the Arkadians when Simone, angry about the loss of both the synthetic nightblood and the mind drive they used for Kane, tells Abby that Clarke is dead. As the audience we know that this isn’t exactly true, but Abby has no reason to think she’s alive, since every other host body is completely taken over by whoever’s mind drive is put in that body.

I was pretty peeved with both Raven and Abby’s reactions to Clarke’s “death,” even though it’s been an ongoing joke online that Josie!Clarke could basically say and do anything and Abby still wouldn’t notice that something was up with her daughter. Raven’s been mad at Clarke for the entire season, so I guess I understand a lack of reaction on her part — but Abby? Her lack of reaction is only so off-putting because just last episode we saw an absolute outpouring of grief over Kane. It makes no sense that the news of her only child’s death wouldn't even garner 10% of that.

The thing is, that’s poor characterization either way. Failing to show an emotional response that makes sense is a failure of the writing, and making her grief over Kane much more significant than over Clarke on purpose only highlights how far gone she is. That’s not a character worth keeping around, especially if this difference in emotion and priority is never addressed (and I don’t think it’s going to be). If the writers room is so keen on keeping her around they need to put some effort into showing the audience why that’s worthwhile. I know there are people who like Abby, but when it comes down to plot, what purpose does she serve? In a cast so large they need to trim loose ends or suffer for it, and I think hanging onto Abby for so long is an example of that. What has she done all season besides hole up in the library looking for a way to heal Kane, who’s been technically dead since the Season 5 finale? You could argue that they need her for the synthetic nightblood, but giving Becca’s notebook to Raven and having her do it also makes sense, especially since Abby doesn’t even leverage that ability when she should. Case in point: when Russell decides to burn them all at the stake after Simone’s murder, Murphy is the one who brings up being able to make nightblood from bone marrow, thereby saving everyone from a super vintage execution (for now).

While we’re at it — I can’t believe Abby is actually mad at Murphy for helping the Primes, even though he and Emori explain that they both thought Clarke was actually dead and nothing could be done about it. Sure, what Murphy did was a little cold and sketchy at best, but it’s right on brand. Clarke’s dead? Nothing can be done about it? Better leverage this to my advantage. Self preservation, baby. That’s much less than Abby did literally ONE episode ago, being fully complicit in Gavin’s murder and actually recruiting him to host Kane’s mind drive even though she knew exactly what would happen.

That’s exactly why these scenes with everyone felt stale: not every character is pulling their weight, and when that happens the scene gets bogged down with unnecessary interactions. There’s too many characters that really only take up space. Characters like Jackson, Miller, Niylah, and even Echo are dead weight at this point. Again, I know that these characters have their fans. That doesn’t change the fact that as far as the narrative is concerned, they're all relatively useless. Just being a named character doesn’t automatically give them significance, that significance has to be shown. What exactly does Miller bring to the show? Or Niylah? Even if they were once important that importance is dwindling if not non-existent. Miller could have been a compelling character: he was Bellamy’s right hand man in Season 1. He’s one of the original hundred. They could have done more with him, but in reality he’s replaceable. If you took Miller, Jackson, and Niylah out of the show, nothing would change. You could even say the same for Abby and Echo; they have more screen time than the rest, but Abby’s continued presence on the show feels forced and Echo is far from a developed character. Their “skills” can easily be transferable to other characters. Characters like Jordan and Emori are MUCH more compelling.

Another thing that drags the episode down (and the season, if I’m being honest)? The whole “Sheidheda” making Madi a murder princess. I absolutely cannot fathom WHY grounder culture is still a thing on this show. They are on another planet, over a century later, with a thousand better things to focus on. I understand that Madi’s nightblood is significant, and the flame might be as well (from a technology standpoint). But why introduce this “dark commander”? if they wanted Madi to go full assassin, the pain of losing Clarke would have been enough to justify it. Also, what point does Madi/Sheidheda being so threatening towards Gaia serve? Having to listen to anything about the commanders is honestly exhausting, and it’s holding the show back. They’ve moved on (literally) in almost every capacity, and the show’s tendency to beat a dead horse only ever backfires.

Not to sound too harsh, but that feeling I get whenever someone calls Madi “heda” is the same feeling I get if I’m at a party and this one person can only talk about how great high school was. This again? We’re in our late twenties. High school wasn’t great. Please, let it go.

With that being said, they are setting up the next episode in a way that makes me think they might take the flame out of Madi for good, so we’ll see how that goes.

Now, there are some compelling pieces here: it was nice to see Raven go back to being sciencey and a little bit philosophical after almost a full season of nothing but self-righteousness. Her conversation with Murphy about morality, not immortality, as a way to avoid hell was well done. The 100 loves a good morality conversation, and with things getting more dire in Sanctum and the growing comparisons between the Primes and Arkadians I’m sure that’s not the last we’ll hear of it.

Getting almost everyone in one place, setting the stage for getting the dark commander out of Madi’s head, and setting up one last ditch effort to appease the Primes was great. The pacing in this case was well done and well executed, despite the issues that I did have, and I know that the final showdown will be epic.

The hold that the Primes have over Sanctum is disintegrating, to put it mildly, and my guess is that a mass witch trial-esque execution isn’t exactly the way to put the populace at ease.

There’s even an internal rebellion being incited by Ryker, who tells Delilah’s parents and another man that their loved ones aren’t “one with the Primes,” that nothing is left of the original host when the Prime’s mind drive takes over, and they’ve been lied to for decades. I’m curious to see the reaction when everyone in Sanctum learns the truth.

The Primes are Dead. Long Live the Primes.

Here’s the thing about the Primes and the Arkadians — they’re so concerned with not being like each other that they conveniently ignore or justify what they’re doing. Russell is hellbent on not ending up like the Arkadians, but how, in any way, are the Primes better than the Arkadians? At their current positions, I’d say that the Primes are decidedly worse. Here’s the thing, though — they’ve had time. Josie said it herself — she wasn’t always like this. Give the Arkadians a few centuries, and who's to say they wouldn’t devolve into something similar?

The driving force for both groups has always been taking care of “their people.” What’s not usually discussed is that in order to put your people first you need to put other people last. Someone almost always suffers, it's just about prioritizing that suffering.

It circles back around to that question of trying to save humanity but never bothering to question if it even should be saved. Sure, the Primes can live forever. Should they?

Clarke even gets a glimpse of Josie’s morality, or the morality she used to have, as their minds start to disintegrate and Josie’s memories bleed into Clarke’s mind space. We see Josie in love with Gabriel, watching that memory fondly until she absolutely has to let it go. In another episode, Clarke already discovered that memory of Josie’s from that diner on Earth.

Finally, when Gabriel and Octavia find Bellamy and Clarke/Josie and Gabriel is about to take out her mind drive, almost all of her memories are gone. Eliza Taylor absolutely kills this whole scene, and I actually could have shed a tear for Josie when she speaks through Clarke, saying she can’t remember, but she’s sure she did terrible things.

Josie had morality. Josie lost it.

The entire run of the show has been exploring morality and what it means — no simple task, I know. I think, however, that Gabriel really embodied that when he let Josie die. He said it himself, he’s been in love with her for centuries. But he needs, everyone needs, the cycle to stop. Putting an end to using hosts is the only way to do it.

That’s Love, Bitches

I mean… come on. Come ON.

This scene was everything. Well acted, well written, well directed. I cried, you cried, everyone cried. Twitter imploded. I’ll go to my grave being adamant that Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship is THE best and most well done thing about the show. The entirety of the sixth season is built on Clarke being gone and Bellamy fighting for her to come back. Love, sacrifice, forgiveness — all are main tenets of The 100, and all are wrapped up in Bellamy and Clarke.

It’s crystal clear that they’re paralleling Gabriel and Josie with Bellamy and Clarke. Josie dies, Gabriel letting her go while saying that their time is over, only for Bellamy to immediately bring Clarke back? Josie and Gabriel’s time is over, and Bellamy and Clarke’s is starting. A literal new life.

They really threw every romantic trope at them this episode. Clarke’s heart stopping in front of Bellamy and him pleading for her to come back? Bellamy saying he needs her? The CPR? The remnants of Josie try to kill Clarke, and she only comes back when she hears Bellamy’s voice? The first thing she sees when she comes back is Bellamy’s face? Octavia’s smirk in the back? The audacity.

This scene was lead up to with a full six seasons of development — from the beginning they were the head and the heart. Gabriel said it, the heart needs the head to tell it to beat. Clarke, clinging to her mind space, only came back because Bellamy restarted her heart. He’s her literal heart, guys.

Bellamy has thought Clarke was dead three times now — the first was during Praimfaya, the second when he discovered Josie was inhabiting Clarke’s body. Both of those times he could only witness and not do anything, so you better believe he wasn’t going to let Clarke die if he had anything to say about it.

There is a clear stage for romantic Bellarke being set here, and anyone who says otherwise is not watching the same show. You don’t have to like it, but it’s happening.

Honestly, anything I could say about this has already been said. Just know that this episode killed me, and I’ll be watching the next one from the afterlife.

Alyssa’s episode rating: 🐝🐝🐝🐝

The 100 airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on the CW.

#The 100 #Matryoshka

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thenerdparty · 5 years

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Avengers: Endgame Film Review

Written by Shawn Eastridge Has it really been 11 years since the first Iron Man? The Dark Knight might have taken all the credit that year for revolutionizing the superhero genre, but Iron Man’s legacy has proved just as important. While other films in Phase One hobbled somewhere between decent and mediocre, Joss Whedon’s first Avengers exceeded any and all expectations. To this day, it stands as one of the greatest superhero films ever, and it paved the way for the remainder of Marvel’s Cinematic Universe.

Over the course of the past decade, the MCU has seen its fair share of highs (Anything directed by the Russos), lows (Thor movies not directed by Taika Waititi) and everything in between. But through it all, Marvel Studios has maintained a consistent level of quality, conjuring up box office numbers that made Warner Bros SO JEALOUS they ruined Superman in the attempt to catch up. (Hey, WB: I’m still available to help get you on the right track with the Man of Steel. Call me.)

But now, twenty-two movies later, it’s all come down to this. We’re in the Endgame now, the long-awaited BIG FINALE to Marvel’s Cinematic Universe.

Let’s be real, though - we all know this isn’t really the finale. The MCU will chug on and on forever. In fact, we’ve even got another Marvel movie right around the corner. (That would be July’s Spider-Man: Far From Home) And while that knowledge does dilute Endgame’s overall effectiveness - can anyone ever stay dead in the realm of comic books - it seems foolish to recognize Endgame as anything other than a monumental success.

Seriously, this ‘conclusion’ to the MCU’s recently dubbed ‘Infinity Saga’ satisfies on nearly every level, fulfilling arcs set up in prior films and providing proper send offs for characters we’ve come to know and love over the past decade. Instead of collapsing under the weight of its ongoing 22-film arc, the Russo Brothers, along with screenwriting duo Stephen McFeely and Christopher Markus, rise to the challenge and then some, wrapping things up with style, grace and a surprising amount of emotion. That is perhaps the most pleasant surprise: Endgame is genuinely touching in the way it thoughtfully concludes this ongoing story arc. You may find yourself dabbing the corners of your eyes more frequently than expected through the film’s brisk three-hour runtime.

This isn’t all to say that Endgame is without its fair share of flaws - and there are plenty that I’ll get into during the spoiler section of this review - but honestly, the nitpicks feel so minor when compared to all the things that work. Marvel Studios hasn’t just raised the bar for superhero filmmaking and ‘big finales’ in general. They’ve obliterated it.

There. That’s my non-spoiler reaction. MASSIVE SPOILERS await you ahead. So, do yourself a favor: if you haven’t seen Avengers: Endgame already, see it. Immediately. If you have any fondness for any of the films in this massive franchise, there’s no way you’ll be disappointed. Once you’re in the know, come back and check out the rest of this review.

Sound good? Okay. Let’s push forward.

. . . . .

Where Infinity War brought the comic book action early and often, Endgame’s opening moments are more meditative and somber. Our heroes have just faced a crushing loss. They’re still reeling from the devastation of Thanos’s infamous Finger-Snap Heard ‘round the Universe. Nothing will ever be the same.

After staging an effectively heart-wrenching opening scene, giving us a brief glimpse at Hawkeye’s family life before his wife and kids fade into ash, the Russos keep the mood low-key and mournful for the duration of the film’s first act. Then we get one of Endgame’s earliest and best twists: within the film’s first twenty minutes, the Avengers find Thanos and discover he’s destroyed the Infinity Stones to prevent anyone from undoing his monstrous deed. In an empty gesture, Thor chops off the purple dude’s head. It’s a brilliant way to kick things off, throwing the audience for a loop and suggesting an ‘anything goes’ vibe to keep us on the edge of our seats.

The story jumps ahead five years(!!) to find our heroes scattered and broken, attempting to mend together the pieces in a world still devastated by its new reality. I loved that the Russos let us wallow in our heroes’ misery for a bit. You really get a sense of the loss they’ve experienced, that the entire world has experienced. These scenes offer some wonderful character beats and conversations, something that has always elevated Marvel above the rest of the pack.

Scott Lang, a.k.a. Ant-Man, escapes the Quantum Realm (you saw Ant-Man and the Wasp, right?) to discover a significantly altered world. But he brings a message of hope with him: the duration of time he experienced in the Quantum Realm was only 5 hours, suggesting the potential for time travel. Maybe they can find a way to fix the devastation Thanos has wrought by traveling back in time?

P.S. Can I just take a moment to talk about how much I love Paul Rudd in this movie? Ant-Man has been on the periphery of the MCU’s big events and to see him take on such a big role in this movie was a huge thrill.

This glimmer of hope inspires the band to get back together and it’s genuinely surprising where some of them have ended up. Bruce Banner has finally made peace with his meaner, greener side, resulting in Professor Hulk, a version of the character that maintains Banner’s intelligence and personality. Thor never overcame his grief and has spent the past five years descending into drunken slobbery and gaining a significant amount of weight in the process. This provides one of the film’s best sight gags. Plus, it’s maintained throughout! Kudos to you, Russos!

And then we have Mr. Tony Stark himself, the key to figuring out how to make time travel work. But he’s moved on. He and Pepper have an adorable daughter. He has absolutely zero desire to lose what he has. Ultimately the realization that he can save the lives of countless billions - including one surrogate son Peter Parker - drives him to support the cause.

Endgame’s 2nd act centers around the newly reassembled Avengers time-traveling into the past to gather the Infinity Stones, bring them to their future and use them to ‘un-snap’ their fallen comrades. These sequences are fun and light on their feet. They’re especially effective in lieu of the grim opening scenes.

Here’s the thing, though: As much as I love this portion of the film and the way the time travel stuff is handled, I couldn’t help feeling there was a general lack of consequence to everything that happened during this sequence. Even when things skew from the team’s set plan, it doesn’t feel like a significant snag or an insurmountable obstacle. These moments are treated as minor annoyances before our heroes carry on with a new solution, nary breaking their strides or a sweat in the process.

It’s all fun in a Back to the Future Part II kind of way, but it’s treated more as an extended comedy bit than anything else, and to a certain extent, this robs Endgame of some level of suspense. Plus, it’s time travel. Once you throw time travel into the mix, all bets are off, and I couldn’t help shaking that feeling. After all, what’s to stop them from using this plot device again and again in the future, consequences be damned?

At the very least, the wackiness of the time travel sequence is balanced with some great character beats. I loved Thor’s tender moment with his mom. I loved Captain America vs. Captain America. I loved that Tony gets a sincere heart to heart with his dad, offering some much-needed closure. Robert Downey Jr. has never been anything less than wonderful in this role, but his performance in Endgame might take the cake. Honestly, everyone brings their A-game to the table and these moments ground the sequence, keeping it from getting too bonkers.

This sequence is also balanced with a genuinely tragic moment: Black Widow sacrifices herself to get the Soul Stone. I don’t know why this scene has been stirring up some people, because here’s the thing: this moment works perfectly. Natasha (Black Widow) and Clint (Hawkeye) travel to Vormir to obtain the Soul Stone. As established in Infinity War, the only way to obtain said stone is to sacrifice the thing you love most. Clint’s willing to take the plunge. He’s become a monster in the five years since his family’s disappearance (but an awesome, katana-wielding monster) and he doesn’t feel he deserves to see them again. Natasha knows this isn’t true and she’s willing to sacrifice herself to ensure Clint gets his happy ending. After all, he saved her all those years ago. It’s time to return the favor. It’s heartbreaking, but it feels right and Scarlett Johansson and Jeremy Renner sell every minute.

The plan is a success, but it's not without its snags. Past Thanos ends up getting involved when past Nebula tunes into future Nebula’s wifi and begins broadcasting everything future Nebula has seen, including the Avengers’ time travel plan. Thanos gets worked up into a tizzy and he and past Nebula devise a plan to get him into the Avengers’ future so he can ensure everyone snapped out of existence stays snapped out of existence. Also, why not wipe out everyone else in the process just for good measure? Because that’s what big, angry, purple maniacs do. Don’t question it.

Is it a bit weird that the Thanos the Avengers face isn’t the same Thanos so carefully fleshed out in Infinity War? Yeah, a little bit. To be honest, it makes things feel kind of impersonal. This Thanos feels more like the mysterious being teased in dozens of MCU post-credits sequence than the layered, thoughtful villain of the previous film. It’s a bit of a bummer, but it is what it is.

Ultimately, my biggest gripe with Endgame is the same gripe caused by Infinity War’s conclusion. We already knew the disintegrated heroes were going to come back for their obligatory sequels. Their arrival during Endgame’s epic battle to end all epic battles feels inevitable more than surprising.

And, look, let me be clear: Endgame’s climax is the ultimate superhero big battle you’ve been dreaming of since Nick Fury first name-dropped the ‘Avengers Initiative.’ I went nuts with the best of them when all our heroes returned from the abyss for this ultimate showdown, so understand my next criticism comes from a place of love. Once all the heroes show up, the stakes disappear. I didn’t have any doubt the Avengers would win. As a result, the climax is robbed of its suspense. It’s basically fan service to the nth degree, which again, I’d like to emphasize I was totally cool with. It just prevents the battle from conjuring up any emotional depth.

This isn’t The Return of the King. It's not the Battle of Hogwarts or the Death Star trench run or even the first Avengers' Battle for New York. It’s a big, flashy special effects extravaganza overflowing with crowd-pleasing beats, but lacking in genuine (here’s this word again) consequence. Again, I want to emphasize that I loved every second of it, but there’s a significant lack of loss during these scenes. Ultimately, Tony Stark sacrifices himself to save the universe and it’s absolutely BRILLIANT and heart-wrenching, but no one else seems in danger. Iron Man dies so that dozens of franchises can live on.

The remaining twenty minutes or so of Endgame are low key. We witness Tony’s emotional funeral, torches are passed (go, Sam Wilson, go!) and some unexpected-slash-exciting team-ups are teased (Fat Thor with the Guardians of the Galaxy? I am SO in.) But it’s during these quiet scenes that the Russos skillfully remind us what has always mattered the most: the characters. And I’m not going to lie, it’s difficult not to get choked up when Steve Rogers, a man who has sacrificed so much for the greater good, finally gets his happy ending, dancing the day away with the love of his life.

Big finales don’t get much more enjoyable or fulfilling than this. Marvel’s Cinematic Universe will go on and on and on. Inevitably, its quality will wane and fade, but we can rest easy knowing that the heroes that kicked everything off got the send-off they deserved. It might not be perfect, but it’s pretty damn great. Most importantly, it’s satisfying.

With the Infinity Saga, Marvel Studios has accomplished something extraordinary. They’ve touched countless millions across the globe without compromising the artistic quality of this multi-billion dollar franchise. We can rage on and on about Disney’s domination and how everything is just a corporate product and blah, blah, blah, but we’d be ignoring the fact that they got to where they are because they honored their source material and went out of their way to give the fans something special.

So to Kevin Feige and the entire team at Marvel Studios, cast, crew, writers, bean pushers, etc., I’d like to say thank you. You’ve earned every record-breaking penny. We love you 3000.

Now can someone please un-cancel Daredevil?? Come on!!

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hannahharrington · 5 years

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CRYING IN EUROPE (postcards from italy)

I struggled with whether or not to post this; I still am, honestly, because it is very raw in every sense. This is something I wrote a year-minus-two-weeks-ago, holed up in an AirBNB in Rome, about losing my good friend Jaymee and the bizarreness of having the best and worst time of your life simultaneously. I did not look at it ever again until a few days ago. It wasn’t written to share with anyone, only because I needed to put thoughts down at the time. Any editing has been very minimal.

The last section I wrote yesterday.

CRYING IN EUROPE (postcards from italy)

1. The first time is on the first day. I land at Heathrow only to find out the express train isn’t running because of the snowstorm and the tube is beyond fucked. I nearly cry out of frustration and jet lag exhaustion but I don’t. I end up emerging from Shepherd’s Bush Market half a mile from the hotel and have to drag my suitcase through blustery snow that whips me so hard in the face it makes tears leak out of the corners of my eyes.

2. The second time is the next morning, five minutes after I first find out you’re dead. I guess the first five minutes are a mix of me just having woken up, an hour before my alarm, still on New York time as I scroll idly through my phone messages only to see it blowing up with the news; and maybe shock can be used as an excuse, even though we all knew it was coming.

3. Over the Hilton London Kensington breakfast buffet for Hilton Honors Members. I’m telling Barry how I was supposed to see you before it happened. My voice cracks and eyes overflow with tears, and I’m apologizing and Barry is being so kind about it even though I can tell he’s not really sure what to do or say, which is okay because I don’t know either. It occurs to me later that in all the years we’ve known each other, this is the first time I’ve ever cried in front of him.

You said you were terminal, and released to home hospice care, and I told you I would fly to California if you wanted and read you mean celebrity blog comment sections, like how I did for you when you visited me in Brooklyn (I’ll never forget how we laughed until we cried like middle schoolers at a sleepover). I followed your lead in trying to blunt reality with a joke because that’s what you always did. The last thing you posted on any social media was a repost of our Facebook “Friendaversary”, saying how you were due for another one of my dramatic readings. I was going to buy a plane ticket when I got back from this trip. I was supposed to be there.

4. The first cigarette I smoke.

5. And the second, all while thinking about how terrible a person I am for smoking because you hated it and hated having cancer and hated that I would do something that could make me sick. You wanted me to stop, and if this were a movie I’d quit on the spot. But it isn’t and so instead I stand chain-smoking and hating myself.

6. In the shower.

7. We go see the Hamilton matinee hours after we find out, and it’s the cruelest twist of fate, experiencing this thing you loved so deeply and brought into my life and that we shared together. You’re the reason I saw it with everyone else at the matinee Obama attended. I lost the lottery, the lone one of all of us without a way in, and I was feeling a little sorry for myself and about to leave. I went to say goodbye to you, and immediately you pulled your Jaymee magic and got me a ticket at the literal last minute. And it really did feel like magic.

When you first saw it at the Public, I tried the lottery and lost, and I joked for you to go on without me, to die a million happy deaths. You said if I were being mugged and you were the only one who could save me, you’d still make me wait until after the show. I know if I skipped it you’d literally come back to life and kick my ass. But that doesn’t seem like a bad deal. I’d never see Hamilton again, I’d burn all of my playbills, even the one from the off-Broadway run I got signed by the original cast at the stage door. I’d tear the donut bag in half, the one we joked about being good luck, the one I had Lin-Manuel Miranda autograph. I’d do all of that if it gave me five more minutes with you.

I keep my shit together more or less until the second act. When Hamilton pleads to Washington with Why do we have to say goodbye?, I start crying and don’t stop until curtain call.

8. Right before I left on this trip, I threw together a playlist for my phone. The last song I added was Eva Cassidy’s cover of “Fields of Gold”, thinking it’d be pretty background soundtrack for train rides through lush, rolling Italian countryside. A year ago I went down one of my weird little Internet research rabbit holes and read all about Eva, her melanoma, how she died and her last performance, and wondered why there hadn’t been a movie made about that particular beautiful tragedy. After Hamilton I tell Barry I feel better, like it was an emotional release, but then the next afternoon we go to a pastry café and they play a jazz standard cover of “Fields of Gold” over the speakers and my chest seizes.

9. Friday night we’re supposed to meet up with Jen for dinner before she flies back to Philly. I’m sick to my stomach in the cab ride over to her hotel, and when we get to her room I drop my purse and hug her and don’t let go. That thing happens where I’m trying not to cry and it makes me cry harder and I can feel Jen crying too. We sit and Jen and Danielle talk about their travels and the whole time I feel on the verge of throwing up. Finally I say we need to talk about you, about what we’re going to do. Jen says June told her sometimes in Filipino culture they ask for donations for the family instead of flowers, so she’s not sure what’s preferred. I don’t know why I was expecting Jen to have more information, something to make me feel better, but nothing she tells me does. I take one of the Ativans my mom gave me for the plane ride because I can’t calm down. You said they gave you Ativan at the end. You said it helped. It helps me too.

I excuse myself from their room and get lost in the dimly lit maze of their hotel, until finally I find a side exit to the courtyard, and I light a cigarette and text my mom, who happens to be around. I try calling, but this stupid SIM card I got won’t let me connect to the US, so I wait until I’m back at the hotel and Barry is out at his show. The instructions to dial out don’t tell me the overseas rates, but I call my mom anyway, and spend twenty minutes on the phone with her sobbing like a child.

When we check out of the hotel, I’ll find out the call cost me over a hundred pounds, which probably with the obscene exchange rates approximates to three hundred dollars. I rationalize that’s what I would have paid out of pocket for an emergency therapy session anyway.

10. I find your aunt on Facebook and ask her what the family wants done. An hour later she messages me back to say flowers would be lovely. Your mother is beside herself with grief, she says. You were her best friend, she says.

It feels better to be doing something, to feel productive, so I make it my mission to organize the flowers for your memorial. The whole next day between sightseeing at Kensington Palace I’m looking up florists in San Mateo, figuring out who wants to contribute, making sure everyone is included. Bridget agrees to place the order. It’s midnight my time when I run downstairs for a smoke. Bridget and I are trading texts, trying to figure out what to write on the card. I’m not a writer, she says. You should do it, she says. I start crying because I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. When I go to head back into the hotel, a British girl with blue hair sees me wiping at my eyes. She calls me love and asks if I’m okay. I’ve been in New York too long; my own public meltdowns don’t even embarrass me anymore. I’ve forgotten that the rest of the world doesn’t politely ignore you when you’re losing your shit on the sidewalk. I know how I must look, crying messily in my pajamas, walking around like an open wound just bleeding over everything.

I try to stop the tears long enough to assure her I’m fine, really, and when I stumble out the words that a friend of mine just passed away, she grabs me in a hug before the words finish getting out. She’s so nice that it makes me cry even more and I let her convince me to take the free cigarette she offers. She tells me she’s here with her gay husband and I joke through tears that I’m here with mine too. We stand and talk about Camden Market and the magic of New York at Christmastime, and when she’s satisfied I’m not a suicide risk she adds me as a friend on Facebook.

11. Things feel different in Venice. I start to feel like maybe I’ve hit the bottom of this, it’s only up from here, and even as I’m thinking it I know it’s delusional. I had the same feeling when my dad died, and I learned then that grief is not linear. There can be moments where it’s all temporarily bearable, only for a fresh wave of pain to knock you flat on your ass a minute later.

But for most of Venice I feel lighter, like the darkest clouds of the storm have passed. We get lost in the labyrinth of alleyways and eventually I duck into a Murano glass shop. Back in January when I went to Fort Myers, I took an Uber from the airport, and for the first time ever I had a woman driver. During the drive to the beach somehow the subject of this trip came up. I mentioned I’d be in Venice, and she told me how her day job was at an art gallery. They made jewelry from Murano glass, a Venetian technique. She made me promise to seek it out when I went.

The shop has all kinds of figurines, and in the back corner I discover these thimble-sized cows. Cows were your thing. Not just thing—borderline obsession. I still don’t know what it is about them you loved so much, but you did. When I was in Amsterdam I passed by an actual Cow Museum, snapped a photo of the storefront and sent it to you. You couldn’t believe I didn’t go inside. Now I’m here in Venice, looking at these little cows and thinking of you, and of course I have to get them. I scoop four of them into my palm and go to the cashier and whatever part of my heart that’s been healing over gets ripped open raw again. My throat burns too much for me to manage anything more than a cursory grazie as I watch him bundle them delicately in bubble wrap. It almost feels selfish to hurt this much, when there are people in this world who loved you longer and harder and better than I did. But I do.

12. In Florence Barry and I split up for the day. He runs off to the Duomo while I visit the Ambrogio market, the one the owner of our B&B tells me is for locals. I pick up random ingredients for my mother, whose burgeoning interest in the culinary arts still baffles me considering I subsisted on almost nothing but microwave dinners as a child, and two sweaters for myself.

I’m back at our apartment-sized suite, arranging the packaged pasta and sun-dried tomatoes on the wooden table for an Instagram photo when I click some random button that takes me to my inbox.

There’s only one message in there and I realize it’s from you, from over two years ago. I click to see it’s a video taken in Marie’s Crisis. Some pitch perfect soprano sings bars from an unrecognizable show tune at the piano, and then you turn the camera to yourself, bobbing your head along with a coy smile. I can’t believe it. I click out accidentally and have to Google for instructions on how to find it again. The video is only fifteen seconds but I watch it ten times in a row and then put my head down on the table and cry until it hurts.

13. Bucket list items have a greater sense of urgency now than they used to. At the last minute I find a woman who agrees to take me to a horse farm in Tuscany. She meets me at the Piazza Cavalleggeri behind one of Florence’s countless gorgeous ancient basilicas and takes me to meet her business partner so he can drive. He’s an old guy who speaks zero English, and it becomes evident when he climbs into the driver’s seat that he has Tourette’s. Every ten seconds his tic makes him jerk the steering wheel so the whole car swerves. We lurch our way up narrow roads that wind up huge hills, endless greenery on all sides, the woman chattering happily about vineyards and olive trees as I brace myself in the backseat, positive the guy is going to tic us right into oncoming traffic and certain death. It rains on the way there, and the woman worries it’ll be too wet to ride, but sure enough we arrive and the sky clears up just long enough for me and two other American girls to go for an hour-long trek. It’s been ten years since I’ve been on a horse, and I’m nervous about it, but the second I’m in the saddle everything comes back to me. We ride through steep hills, surrounded by the kind of scenery that’s beyond picturesque. It’s so gorgeous it doesn’t look real, like an oil painting. For the first time in days I feel a weightless kind of happiness. I know as it’s happening that this is something I will remember for the rest of my life.

When the woman drops me back off in Florence, I trip over myself thanking her profusely, holding back tears because I don’t want to explain that that was maybe the most beautiful experience of my life and I’m so grateful that for three hours the Jaymee is dead, Jaymee is dead, Jaymee is dead track stopped spinning in my head.

14. Rome is a welcome change of pace. I like big, bustling, metropolitan cities; they make me feel comfortable. Safe. Even just through glimpses out the taxi window I can see Rome is bursting at the seams, vibrant and colorful and a startling clash of ancient and modern. Our driver asks where we’re from and I say New York. He laughs and tells us he doesn’t like America, but he likes New York.

On a tour of the Vatican museums, our guide shares all the juicy stories of how Raphael and Michelangelo loathed each other, and the illicit love between Antinous and Hadrian, and we marvel at the frescos on every wall and the breathtaking scope of the Sistine Chapel and the inside of St. Peter’s basilica.

I was skeptical as I always am of anything to do with organized religion, but you liked the new Pope. You thought he was progressive, refreshing. You’d joke all the time about your “Jesus problems”, how you struggled to reconcile your Catholicism with your personal politics.

Afterward Barry scurries off to scale the bell tower. I ask our guide if there’s anywhere in the basilica to light candles, like how you can do in St. Patrick’s. She tells me it’s not allowed—it’s too much of a hazard, especially after a crazy man declared himself the second coming of Jesus and attacked Michelangelo’s Pietà with a hammer, chipping off fifteen pieces in the mayhem, including Mary’s nose.

Instead of waiting for Barry outside in the square I retreat back into St. Peter’s, to the closed off chapel. The guard asks me if I will be praying. It forces me to confront what I’m really planning to do, and after a heartbeat of hesitation I stutter out a yes, slip through the parted curtains to the pews. I’ve never prayed in my life; I have no idea how to do it. I look to see how others around me kneel and try to imitate the stance, hands folded in front of me, knees against the padded rest. It all feels clumsy and awkward until suddenly it doesn’t. Suddenly I’m just crying. I watch my thick tears plop onto concrete and absently wonder how many people before me have spilled salt on these floors. Probably a lot.

I don’t know how to pray. In my head I’m just screaming please forgive me, and I don’t know if I’m saying it to God or to you. I guess I know now what Catholic guilt feels like.

I should’ve been there. I should’ve brought Schmackary’s cookies and the good luck donut bag and flown out to California and seen you. Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was? Why did you have to make your yes a joke? (A quip about doctor’s orders, it comes as no surprise you embraced the gallows humor.) Why couldn’t you be earnest? Why couldn’t just say I need you right now, I don’t have much time, please be here? Did you even know? Because I swear I didn’t. I thought I could wait. I thought you had more time. None of it fucking matters because I can’t forgive myself, not ever.

…And that’s it. That’s where I stopped writing. I didn’t cry on European soil again after that. Not because the last cry was cathartic or healing; it wasn’t. The healing would come later, long after my plane touched down again in New York. It happened in ways I can’t explain, slowly, until one day the thought of you didn’t automatically bring me to the brink of tears or knock the wind from me like a sucker punch to the gut, where the tenderness of loving memory ran parallel with the heartbreak rather than being subsumed by it. Eventually the day came where I could think of you and how you were and what we shared, not only of the ways I failed you. A year later and I still think of those too, sometimes. And there are still tears, sometimes.

I feel like I always had this idea that you go through The Worst Thing and life just evens out after that. My Worst Thing happened when I was in my teenage years and I was supposed to be in the clear afterwards. But life doesn’t work that way. There’s no plateau, no neat ever after. And every so often we break in ways where yes, you can scrape the pieces together and carry on, but you’re never made whole again. You’re never the person you used to be. You become a new version of yourself, mismatched and full of jagged lines, and you find a way to forge ahead.

In the immediate soul-crushing wake of the 2016 election, someone created a Subway Therapy project in the tunnel of the 14th Avenue station that stretches from Sixth to Seventh. I went to see it then, a modern day marvel: the long tiled wall papered with thousands of bright post-its, each full of encouragement and commiseration from fellow grief-sick New Yorkers. The sight was a life preserver in the sea of misery I’d floated in that entire week. I was not alone in the feeling, however singularly devastating it felt.

Countless others have been here. I am not the only one to have shed my tears on ancient chapel floors, unable to imagine I would ever feel okay again. Experts painstakingly restored the Pietà after the attack, but if you were to find your way behind the bulletproof glass and touch the Virgin Mary’s cheek, you would still feel hairline traces of their work, a difference of texture; if you were to peer close enough, you would see the faint lines on marble that belie its pristine repair. It was broken once. It could not be remade exactly as it was. It’s no less a masterpiece.

That day in the 14th Street station, I peeled off a blank post-it and wrote out an Abraham Lincoln quote I’d read once: Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better… And yet this is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again.

Time buffers out the rough edges. It is the only thing that does.

#jaymee

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soworthloving · 6 years

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A LETTER FROM ERYN

Before I begin... This is my story, and I entrust you with it like you have with me. For you skimmers out there, rest easy: I’m not going anywhere. I'm okay. So Worth Loving is not going anywhere. SWL is okay! Today is actually her birthday! We made it another year fam. Cheers to perseverance and impacting lives!

I remember sitting in a Kroger parking lot at 7:15am on January 2nd, feeling confused. I had no make up on, a beanie on my head, and 3-day old hair as I listened to music and wept. I didn't know exactly what I was crying about because there were so many layers upon layers of emotions. Everything was gray. I rationalized in my head that... this happened because this happened; and then this happened because this happened; and then this happened. Nothing could stop my mind from racing. The only thing I could do was think. Then over-think, and then spiral.

I want to share something not many people know, unless you are in my inner circle. And if you do know, it might be because you are an observer from afar or caught wind of he said/she said.

This year, I hid from you because I truthfully thought I wasn't deserving of a community of people that believed in me. I was struggling to understand what my truth was.

Did you know that diamonds are found in the dark, created under pressure, and cut by another diamond? I didn’t; and if I’m being honest, I have felt that same cataclysmic pressure, too. I found myself in the dark, encountering an unbelievable amount of pressure, experiencing relationships that refined me and made me better. If I could share every detail of the last year of my life, every nook and crack in my heart, I don’t know if you would be "Team Eryn" anymore. Or maybe you would, because maybe you would find that I am just like you.

I never want to sit on a pedestal and claim that I know everything about business and self-worth. I don’t. I've only hoped and prayed that my voice be used for good. Hoping that I could share my perspective, create a space for you to share yours, express what I’m learning, and celebrate vulnerability and connection. I’m here to inspire empathy in safe places.

So, I'll quit with the hesitation and dive in.

Over the past year, I have been desperate for empathy. For myself and others. I’ve carried my own mistakes and the weight of those around me. I’ve seen the worst in friendships and the beauty in nitty gritty, raw, authentic relationships. I’ve blamed and shamed myself and others. I saw parts of myself I couldn't believe were inside of me. What I've learned is the moment you start to believe you are immune to something is the moment you become the most susceptible to it.

Sharing this part of me is terrifying. That's why I have even more admiration for you as I read your stories. I believe in the power of storytelling. I believe in the power of transparency and the healing that comes with it. I believe our stories have the power to transform others, and if my pain and failure can help one person, I've done my job. Today is So Worth Lovings birthday and in the last 6 years of So Worth Loving, I’ve seen suicide prevented, self-harm addressed, rehabilitation being remitted, and recovery from divorce. I’ve seen people get out of bed for the first time because they decided depression would not hold them down any longer.

Brene Brown says, "We are vessels for stories.”

I’ve carried your stories with me. When my eyes encountered your stories of pain, I wept with you. When my ears heard your stories of victory, I celebrated with you. But when my world was completely flipped upside down, I struggled to be present in my own story. Because of that, I began to fracture and break.

I want to be careful with this, because my story is woven with another's. I respect their story. I don’t know how to navigate this well, but I’m going to do the best I can to be as vulnerable with you as you have been with me, while also honoring another.

This year, I experienced heartbreak on a level I didn’t think was imaginable. I knew real heartbreak existed, but I didn’t know what it was like to physically feel a gaping hole in my heart. I didn’t know what it felt like for my spirit to shake and break.

The light I prayed for since I was in 7th grade, I watched slowly become dark. I’ve had people in my life who have gone through it, but I never experienced it like this. I guess I was naive. People have a tendency to do strange things in times of grief, and we all handle it differently. I experienced the 5 stages of grief. It was as though I was on a hamster wheel of grief and couldn't get off.

For me: I was in denial. I was confused. I was angry Because of this, I began to isolate myself. I no longer saw myself as worthy of anything good. I self-pitied. I got physically sick. I was faithless. I was exhausted. I was gossiped about. I was betrayed. I was lied to. I lied. I was depressed I carried guilt. I felt shame. I became numb.

I was shutting down. I was blocking out any noise that contributed to the sounds in my head and the false whispers in my ears. When you are in a season of uncertainty, it’s easy to acquire everyone else's beliefs as your own.

When I made the decision to end a marriage after 9 years, it became apparent who was no longer in my corner. I couldn’t take on their beliefs and let their judgments define me.

As you walk through life, you will encounter phases that require different levels of courage. But how do you take those first steps of courage without a "How To" manual? Christine Caine says “The first step of courage is cut away things that hold us back or hold us down.” So that’s what I began to do...

I began to cut away the fear and allow myself to feel every single emotion. I began to cut away the feeling of shame and stop saying what I was feeling was “bad” or “wrong.” I began to let myself feel, so that I could begin to heal. I sought help and guidance from others who understood the level of pain I was experiencing. I learned that I didn’t need to be told that I was going to be okay, I needed to be told how I felt was okay. Through this past season, I discovered the depth of my well. I discovered the depth of my faith.

I’m coming out of it ready to be an anchor for you like never before. Now I know I can sit with heartbreak and grief on a multitude of levels. While the circumstances will certainly be different, I know the emotion connected to it, and I will feel with you.

I will not ask if you found resolve yet. I will not rush you towards a solution. I will sit with you while you figure it out, and I will hold you up when you feel like falling down.

While the last season of my life has broken me down in so many ways, in my personal and in my business life, I’m so thankful to have found some of the most incredible humans who weren’t scared to walk alongside me. They challenged me, questioned my decisions, and loved on me so tenderly and patiently. I got to witness people who didn’t see me as my circumstance, but saw me as Eryn. The Eryn who failed them, yet they loved me anyway. Those same people didn’t give up on me, even when they felt uncomfortable to lean in, consistent in their word to stand by me. They let me talk too much, sometimes in circles about the same thing. They showed up on my door when I would ignore their texts or calls, never taking offense or believing it was a reflection of who they were, but simply a reflection of where my heart was. Hidden. They showed up because they knew sometimes getting out of bed and believing in yourself when your life has been hit by a tidal wave is so hard. They knew that one more expectation wasn't something this heart could handle.

These people are like you. Willing to catch the broken hearted and say "this is just temporary. This is not a punishment, it's development."

Now... I am thankful. I am renewed. I am inspired. I am taking ownership. I am moving forward I am ready. I am forgiving. I am forgiven I am faithful. I am alive. I am grateful. I am healing. I am so worth loving.

In this uncomfortable season, I learned an even deeper understanding of the phrase "so worth loving.”

So Worth Loving started with you. It began with your belief in the importance of talking about our struggles so we may help someone else feel less alone in theirs.

We were fortunate to grow quickly, but as my personal circumstances began to crumble, so did I. I found myself taking on more than I could handle. I found myself creating and building on the back end of logistics when I deeply desired to be on the front end talking, creating, laughing, crying, connecting, and loving with you.

When I started So Worth Loving, it wasn’t to be a t-shirt company. It was to simply use apparel as an entry point to talk about self-worth. Because the conversation was our primary focus, we moved all of our inventory out of our office and into a 3rd party fulfillment facility a few months ago. This decision took me out of logistics and put me back in a space to dream a little bigger and get a little closer to all of you. It opened up our capacity to expand and set out to do what is closest to us - start conversations through apparel, where self-worth and self-care can be the emphasis. It will give us the space to create resources for you to be able to find the proper help and support that you need when looking for the right books, therapists, & safe communities near you.

Again, I reminded myself: “The first step of courage is to cut away the things that are holding us back or holding us down.” -Christine Caine

After many phone calls, conversations, and emails, I decided to move out of our office space and SWL will no longer be behind walls, but outside the walls of a physical building like we once were. We are coming back to our roots and will continue to be online so we may focus on the areas that matter most. For those of you who don't live in Atlanta, none of this will look any different than what you're already used to — we'll still see you online!

We will be going on tour this spring and partnering with Airstream for 6 weeks. While our fulfillment is in Ballground Georgia, I've settled on 16 acres in North Georgia where I will spend my time writing, creating, and listening to you. We are in the filing process of the So Worth Loving Foundation where we will be able to partner with college campus counselors and be their support in the mental health community. We are realigning. Recalibrating. Pivoting back to the basics. This season will be where we can get back to what we feel called to do, and that’s to be closer to you.

Our heels are digging in deeper than ever before. We need you like never before. This next season will be a wild ride, and with every transition there is an opportunity to fail. But with failure comes the opportunity to learn more of who we are.

I hope to be the Eryn who will make you proud, and I hope you will continue to love her and our team as well as you always have.

Will you join me in this next season of So Worth Loving?

#so worth loing #separation #self empowerment #Empowering #heartbreak #depression #anxiety #isolation

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umusicians · 3 years

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UM Interview: Luxtides

Luxtides is the solo project of Danni Bouchard, known as half of folk/pop duo Oh Honey. Through her time in Oh Honey, Danni enjoyed international success, garnering millions of streams through commercial, TV, and film placements but now she’s ready to step out on her own. Luxtides represents dreamier songs that soundtrack her experiences with heartache, mental illness, and letting go.

Amandah Opoku sat down with Luxtides to talk about her new single “After”, embarking on a solo career and more!

Amandah Opoku: Danni thank you for doing this interview today! Before we kick off please tell our readers about yourself and one new artist you've discovered recently Luxtides: Hi guys, I’m Danni Bouchard and I’m an artist called Luxtides. Prior to being a solo artist, I was one half of the folk/pop duo Oh Honey. An artist I’ve discovered recently is Lizzy McAlpine via TikTok, which is a platform I’m definitely trying to get better at.

AO: You were part of folk/pop duo Oh Honey which disbanded in 2016. After that you began creating music as a solo career. How has the transition been from creating music as a duo to a solo artist? Luxtides: When I started Luxtides, I wanted it to feel completely separate from Oh Honey. The music is darker and moodier, the lyrics are sadder. I’ve really enjoyed working with different writers and producers, and also just sitting down and writing at my keyboard by myself, which is something I lost for a while. As a person who loves to be in control of all aspects of my life, being a solo artist tends to work well for me. The decision-making process is tougher though! I am THE most indecisive person, and without bandmates to bounce ideas off of, I’ve been trying to get better at owning my decisions. So it’s been a good life lesson!

AO: Do you feel any pressure to match the success of your previous music endeavours with your music career? And has that affected the music that you make as a solo artist? Luxtides: Definitely. With OH, things exploded so quickly, and I was thrown into all of it without really knowing what I was doing. We did a lot of incredible things in a short time, but there were also things I wish we did differently. With Luxtides, it’s been a much slower, more deliberate build, but I feel so much more knowledgeable and better equipped this time around. It’s way too easy to compare, but one of my favorite quotes is “comparison is the death of happiness,” and it’s so true. I’ve learned to celebrate the wins, big and small, and I’m trying to do a better job of living in the moment vs always thinking about what’s next.

AO: During your time creating music as part of Oh Honey, what’s one piece of advice you received that you’ve carried with you as you pursue your solo music career? Luxtides: Write about what you know - and sometimes saying less says more. And that the music industry is extremely unpredictable, so you have to really, really love what you do and trust in that on the hard days.

AO: What would you say is the biggest challenge you’ve experienced as you’ve pursued your music career, both in your previous music endeavours and now as a solo artist? Luxtides: Probably pushing through my anxiety and lack of self-confidence. I’ve been making music for a living for 7 years now, but I still struggle. It’s a brutal industry, and it’s easy to compare yourself to your friends, or doubt yourself, or your talent, or your music. There are days when my anxiety spirals out of control and I shut down. I’ve learned it’s so important to take care of my mental health and also allow myself to take breaks. I’m trying to figure out a better balance.

AO: If you could use 3 words to describe your music, what words would you choose and why? Luxtides: Dark, dreamy, raw. A lot of my songs start as late-night poems or a lyric idea born on the subway. My main goal in my songwriting is to be honest but also to create music I want to listen to.

AO: 2020 has been quite a year for all of us. How has the pandemic affected you as a musician? What have you learned about yourself? Luxtides: As a human, I was a bundle of nerves in the beginning of the pandemic. But I decided that one of my goals was to get really good at recording and producing my own vocals during lockdown - it also gave me something productive to do when the rest of the world felt like it was put on pause. “After” is actually my first release I produced the vocals on, and I am so incredibly proud of that. Beyond that, I really miss in-person writing sessions. Facetime just isn’t the same, it’s missing that “magic” you feel in a room full of friends (or strangers). That’s one of the things I’m most excited to get back to when the world is safe again. I also weirdly miss the subway (never thought I’d say that) - I do some of my best writing there. And obviously live shows!

AO: Earlier this year, you released your debut EP ‘Flood Sounds’. The EP was very personable, honest and raw. Going into the records release what did you set to achieve with it? And how has the response been? Luxtides: Thank you! Flood Sounds is the culmination of the first batch of songs I wrote as Luxtides, and I’m super proud of it. I went through so much that I was never able to write about, so once I started Luxtides, I had a lot to say. The songs on the EP each represent one of the five stages of grief, and are ordered in the way that I typically move through the grieving process. Releasing Flood Sounds (in the middle of a pandemic) helped me let go of a lot of pain - it also felt like it was paving the way for the next chapter.

AO: “After” is your new single, releasing on December 11th. What was the writing and recording process like? And how did it differ from the process for your earlier releases? Luxtides: “After” was written over a FaceTime session with two of my friends during the second week of NYC lockdowns. I wanted to write about what was happening in the world, but also about how I was processing it. I suffer from OCD and anxiety, and my mental health was in bad shape when all of this started. My co-writers Jackson Hoffman and Julia Brex are some of my favorite people I’ve ever worked with. The song came alive in the span of a couple hours. Jackson produced the track at his apartment, I recorded the vocals here, and we sent ideas back and forth via voice memos and videos. It was all very 2020.

AO: Following the release of “After”, what can fans expect from you next as we head into 2021? Luxtides: I feel like I always say this, but I have some really exciting things coming up that I can’t quite talk about yet. But 1000% you’ll be hearing more music.

AO: What do you want fans and new music listeners to like to take away from your music? Luxtides: I want people to feel heard. I listen to music when I‘m craving solidarity, to feel like someone else out there knows what I’m going through. My songs are about my life, so if someone can listen to them and feel a little bit less alone, that’s pretty much all I can ask for as an artist.

AO: As you continue to pursue your career as a solo artist, what goals have you set for yourself? And what do you hope to achieve within the next 5 years? Luxtides: If you asked me this before this year, my answer would’ve been very different. Since it’s pretty much impossible to plan anything in the current climate, other than (safely) getting back onstage, I would probably say….stay alive? Seriously, I’m so incredibly lucky to be healthy (knock on all the wood). 2020 definitely reframed my priorities, but I’m excited to start planning and dreaming again soon.

AO: Luxtides, thank you for sitting down with me! Before we close this interview is there anything you want to say to your fans and our readers? Luxtides: Follow me on all the socials! @luxtides. And keep streaming and sharing “After.” :)

Connect with Luxtides on the following websites: https://www.luxtides.com/ https://twitter.com/luxtides https://instagram.com/luxtides https://facebook.com/luxtides

#Interviews #Amandah Opoku #Luxtides #Oh Honey

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chokememrstark · 6 years

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A Thousand Lives // Angstmas Day 5

Words: 2674

Summary: After Lucifer's death, Sam's inner turmoil won't let him rest, so he tries to distract himself by cleaning his room. Under how bed, however, he finds a book he has never seen before and curiosity gets the better of him when he sits down and opens it. He doesn't know what to expect, but what he finds makes his grief only worse and he can't do anything about it.

character death (mentioned), grief, past lives, reincarnation, mourning

Note: I promised a longer fic, didn’t I? Inspiration came from a prompt I saw a while ago about one’s lover being immortal. I had to do it, I’m sorry.

Tagging: @shebahda @sassysupernaturalsweetheart @spnyoucantkeepmedown @wearemykingdom @brieflymaximumprincess @secretlydaydreaminglifeaway

If you want to be added to/removed from the taglist, please let me know!

Read on AO3!

Sam didn’t know what he had discovered when he turned the mattress of his bed in the bunker over and revealed the thick, leather bound book that was hidden under the head of the bed. His first reaction was confusion, which quickly turned into curiosity when he picked it off the floor and blew the dust off the cover. It must have been there for quite some time already, but where did it come from?

Sam forgot that he was about to clean up his room from one corner to the other and sat down on the bed, his mattress not even in the right place again yet, and looked at the book in his hands. Somehow he wanted to open it, on the other hand he was cautious because it could be dangerous - it wouldn’t be the first thing they randomly found in the bunker that turned out to cause trouble. And still, something about this book was… familiar. As if it had waited for him for however long it was down there.

For a while, Sam simply sat there and looked at the book. Sometimes he brushed over the leather cover and amount the engraved word ‘Memories’, wondering how long it had been there and why he had only found it now. It wasn’t a good time for him to begin with, he had only started to deep clean his room to somehow distract himself from the thoughts that came back whether he wanted them to or not. After they had lost Lucifer - though it wasn’t so much a loss for anyone but him, but he never expected any less - Sam had been stuck in a constant state of misery. And this time, no matter how much he hated to admit it, he was in this all alone. He could never talk to anyone else about this, because to the outside he had to pretend to be glad about the outcome of this awful dimensional disaster. Inside, however, it was eating him alive and he didn’t know how to stop it.

Eventually, knowing that he would do this anyway, Sam sighed and opened the book. His curiosity was there, yes, but the craving for something else but this inner agony was stronger. At least until he read the words written in a very old and pretty handwriting on the first page.

I always knew that I would lose you again, but at least I can keep you in my memories.

Now, Sam was also a bit confused. He had expected some magic book or at least something else coming from their own library, but apparently this was a very personal book that someone had left here - for whatever reason. A little more curious now, Sam flipped the page to reveal the next one. There, he found a charcoal drawing on yellowed and wrinkled paper, indicating old age. Maybe sketch was the better word for it, as it was very simplistic and apparently done quick, but he noticed that the eyes were incredibly detailed. For some reason, Sam felt a knot in his stomach when he looked at those eyes and the shape of the face. Even the hair, though different, was kind of familiar to his eyes.

“Coincidence, that’s all,” he huffed nervously and flipped to the next page.

There it was again. Another sketch, this time with a different pen or coal, but it was obviously the same person. The face was slightly smaller, as if the person was younger, and the hair shorter, but Sam looked at the same eyes and the exact same person without a doubt. Now goosebumps accompanied the knot in his stomach.

“What the...” he mumbled and flipped through the following pages.

Every single one of them contained another drawing - all of the same person, sometimes laughing, sometimes with a neutral face, sometimes with slight differences like the nose or the mouth, but all of them were definitely the same person: Sam.

“Okay, this is getting creepy now.”

Sam swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at the next page, which was surprisingly empty. Frowning, he continued, only to be met with a photograph of himself. Not just any photograph though, it was visibly old and in black and white, corny and stiff looking but again, it was definitely Sam on it. He looked into the camera with a slight smirk, wearing expensive clothes and sitting in a huge chair, a cane in his hands and a hat next to him on the armrest.

Something about this felt eerie and Sam paused for a moment, still staring at the picture in front of him. How could this be possible? Why were there drawings and now apparently even photographs of him in this book and who had put them there? This all didn’t feel right and at the same time it made Sam sad looking at these images, even though he couldn’t explain why.

After the first photograph, Sam found many many more and each of them showed himself in a different setting, with different clothes and - surprisingly - mostly happy. Looking at these pictures of someone who definitely looked like him, but who jumped in age from what looked to be almost a child to a man his own age, was fascinating and scary at the same time. Those all couldn’t be from the same person, he realized that very quickly, because there were certain differences that just didn’t match up. Still, for some unknown reason, all of these boys and men looked like him.

When he stumbled over the first colored photograph, Sam’s heart skipped a few beats. There ‘he’ was again, barely sixteen or maybe seventeen - a young boy with rosy cheeks and a smile so wide that his happiness almost jumped out of the picture. And right next to him, giving the boy a proud and admiring look as he clung to his arm, was Lucifer. Sam shook his head and looked at the photo again, but he couldn’t deny that this was, indeed, Lucifer. He looked a little younger, not quite like Sam knew him but there was still a similarity. The same blue eyes, the same smile, even the hair was similar, even if it was combed back and a little lighter. Sam couldn’t believe it.

With a heavy weight on his chest, Sam turned the page again and faced a second picture, obviously from the same photoshoot. This time, the young boy had his head leaned against Lucifer’s shoulder and the blond pressed a kiss on his head with his eyes closed. The boy’s eyes were closed too and Sam swore he had never seen a face so full of bliss and content before. It physically hurt looking at this picture. A big part of him wanted to throw the book away and never touch it again, but at the same time he desperately wanted to know what else it contained.

After pressing his eyes shut for a minute and trying to calm down - with very little success - Sam kept going through the pictures. Now they were all colorful photographs, most of them showed a brunet boy or young man alone, but sometimes he wasn’t and every single time the same man was by his side - Lucifer. Unlike ‘Sam’, Lucifer never really changed apart from his hairstyle and clothes. The more photos Sam saw, the more he felt his heart drop in his chest and his mouth become dry.

There were elegant portraits of him and Lucifer, photos in front of houses or out in nature and eventually the pictures changed and Sam realized that all that came before those were professional photographs, now he was looking at personal pictures - ones that were taking in privacy. Before that, everything looked a little staged - apart from very few examples - and now it seemed all much more relaxed.

The first picture like this Sam came across was of ‘him’ again, wearing a long, black dressing gown. He was sitting in a window, a cigarette in his hands and looking outside onto a big city. His feet tangled above the ground and his face was dreamy and far away, but there was some kind of peace in the scenery that touched Sam’s heart. This picture wasn’t taken by someone who was paid to do it. It was taken by someone who deeply loved the young man in it and who found this random moment worth capturing. Sam kept looking at it until a wet drop suddenly hit the back of his hand. Only then he realized that his eyes had began to tear up and he quickly rubbed them dry again.

The next photo was from the same young man, this time sitting in a café and laughing about something. There were other people too, but Sam only had eyes for the man that looked like him. He wore something that looked like a dress, but Sam noticed that it must have been altered to just look different. It reminded him of dresses from the twenties, something that was only intensified by the hat on the table in front of him. All the other people were definitely women, all pretty and dressed up, but the fact that the young man was too surprised Sam.

When he saw the picture after that, he knew that his first instinct had been right. The young man was definitely wearing a dress because in this picture he was dancing with the same blond man he knew from previous photographs already and the skirt was flowing through the motion. Somehow it didn’t look weird at all though, because the brunet man looked very feminine and elegant and could pull those clothes off perfectly. If he wouldn’t have known he was a man, Sam would have probably been fooled by his general appearance.

The following photographs were all from him and Lucifer, going through their everyday life - drinking coffee, talking, one time even kissing. Sam felt a slight jealousy creep up in him when he looked at the happy couple, but he tried not to allow it to grow. This plan was blown away when he found the last picture of them though, or better, only of the young man. This one was definitely a private picture. ‘Sam’ laid on his back on top of a bearskin, the only thing covering his naked skin a piece of silk that was draped to just hide enough and yet reveal more than was needed to be ‘suggestive’. His legs were playfully in the air and the look of seduction in his eyes made the purpose of this photograph very clear. It took Sam a whole two minutes before he realized that this picture told more than just what it showed - he knew full well what happened after it was taken and this thought caused him to blush furiously and cover his mouth with a hand.

Sam knew he should stop, put the book away and forget he ever found it, but he simply couldn’t. These photos, these drawings… they were Lucifer’s, he knew it. He couldn’t imagine why this book was beneath his bed or why Lucifer put it there, but it was clear that this was his doing. If he had put it here, maybe he did it so Sam would find it? Or did he want to get it back one day and never show him? Or show it to Sam himself? He didn’t know and the questions kept pulling on his mind, but he couldn’t put the book down again, he simply couldn’t. He had to know what else was in there, even if every new picture hurt him more and more.

And there were many photos to come. Sam slowly watched the clothes change and witnessed the brunet man grow older, before he was inevitably replaced by a young boy again. It was a cycle it seemed and every time there were a few years worth of photographs following the first one of a new boy, before he was gone and another took his place. There was no way to misunderstand what was happening - the man died and Lucifer found the boy again, reborn into a new body. The realization that all of these men were Sam hit the hunter harder than anything else before.

Now he flipped through the pages almost frantically, tears running down his cheeks and dropping on the paper here and there - and everywhere he saw himself and Lucifer laughing and smiling and being happy, if only for a short time. There was so much love in these pictures, so much happiness and joy, that Sam felt awful when he realized that they had never had a minute alone where they had been happy. All the time it had been accusations and hatred and anger and rejection, again and again and again. Out of all these lives, the one he currently lived was probably the saddest and loneliest one. And Lucifer knew that too.

The last picture in the whole book was of himself, his actual self this time. It was the only picture of him in there and it was only a small one, taken during the time he was in Stanford. On the picture, Sam was on his way to class and looked at the sky, a peaceful image with the snow surrounding him and the smile on his face. Beneath it were words, written in the same handwriting as at the beginning of the book.

I have promised to love you forever and always, through a thousand lives and a thousand deaths, and I will never break my promise. You and I, we are two souls that were created together, two souls that keep a part of the other inside us. No matter the pain we have to go through, my love for you is as eternal as the sky above you.

With undying love, I promise you I will find you again and one day we will not be ripped apart. One day, eternity will be ours and I will be here with you when this day finally comes.

Sam flipped through the rest of the book, despite knowing it would be empty. When he reached the last page he stared at it for a few minutes, almost angry that there were no pictures of him and Lucifer in there anymore. Of course he knew there wouldn’t be, after all, this life was not one where they had been happy, but he still felt betrayed when all he was met with were empty pages. The anger didn’t last long though. It quickly changed into grief and sadness over the happiness that they had not been granted this time and that he was unable to remember all those time that they had been happy.

The worst thing, however, was that Lucifer had known, and this thought shattered Sam’s heart. he clutched the book and pressed it against his chest, now finally allowing the tears to fall - and they did. Lucifer had remembered every single one of their lives together - every kiss, every smile, every touch - and he had died knowing that this time none of these wonderful things had happened. And it was all Sam’s fault, he knew that. Lucifer had tried his best and all Sam had done was push him away.

He wished he had never found this book in the first place. If he had never found it, he would have never known how much he had thrown away by clinging onto morals that he never agreed with. If only he had allowed himself to listen to his heart, rather than his head. They could have been so good together. They could have been happy and maybe, just maybe, this time could have been the time they found their eternity together. Now it was all destroyed and no matter how much Sam cried - and he felt like he would cry for the rest of his life - there was nothing he could do to change what had happened.

#samifer #sam x lucifer #angstmas #sam winchester #spn lucifer #myfics #angst

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