acuddlywinterbearinhybernation - Tumblr blog

acuddlywinterbearinhybernation · 4 years

Text

mono no aware

I feel like I’m in that pit again, being swallowed by an insatiable hole of darkness and despair. The emptiness that overwhelms my senses is being forced into real life- I am alone in a never-ending plain in which flowers rot and leaves are crushed under my feet, creating an eerie atmosphere that makes a sound so insignificant all I can hear.

I see faces in the smudges on the window and ominous figures moving on a blank TV screen. Laughter echoes around my empty home and nails tear the wallpaper from the hall my bedroom waits at the end of. And as I struggle to regain consciousness, to escape from the terrifying visions I must call reality, I can taste the irony tang of blood and can only wince at the stinging on my forearm, where the stress still creeps out from inside me. It casts a shadow on my wall, using light I have yet to see at the end of this tunnel to tower over me as I simply stare in wonder.

How could something so beautiful be so terrible? It’s a distorted image of physiognomy that I feel is supposed to embody all the hate hidden within me. I smile and open my arms, welcoming the cold embrace. The deafening silence engulfs me. I am whisked away to a small apartment where all the furniture is either torn or collapsed and the draft from under the mangled door tickles the frayed ends of my dress.

Photos hung on the walls depict a single figure whose face has been slashed in a desperate attempt to hide his probing, profound eyes from me. There is no use. He is the man that joins me in the early hours of the morning to watch as I cry to the moon and beg for mercy. He is the man that curls around me as I sleep. He is the man I grip onto when my legs won’t carry me out of bed the next morning. He is me, and I am him. We’re one and the same, and yet we still have so much to learn about one another.

“It seems this visit will be longer than the last.”

5 notes · View notes

acuddlywinterbearinhybernation · 4 years

Text

I feel like giving up

WARNING: mentions of self-harm, depression, mentions of eating disorders, etc

Ever since I noticed these uncomfortable changes with my body (basically the start of puberty), I’ve been unhappy. I knew somethings were bound to happen. Bigger breasts. Bigger ass. Maybe some stretch marks. But out of nowhere, I must have... stopped being happy? And then stopped exercising? I literally have no idea how it happened. First, I was b e a u t i f u l. I loved living. But now I’m on the brink of being overweight and I can’t look at myself anymore.

When quarantine started, I told myself that this was my sign. That this was what I had been waiting for. I was going to lose weight by watching what I eat and exercising. I’m going back to school in 2 weeks and haven’t started. I fucking hate myself for it.

Everyone else is going to have done something productive and look so much better. I know I’ve put on weight. But I’ve left it so late there’s not much I can do. I feel like giving up, and then I remember that if I’d not given up before I wouldn’t be feeling this way now.

I weigh fucking 72kg at 162cm, and it disgusts me. My goal is 54kg. I used to tell my friends about what I felt. They told me it was healthy, as in, my “thicc” thighs were attractive. And you know what? If it was just the thighs, I might have been able to deal- cause sometimes I don’t mind them too much. But it’s the stomach as well. It’s the fat on my cheeks. It’s my double chin. It’s my flabby arms.

I seriously can’t do this anymore.

During quarantine I’ve been through some very rough patches. I’ve hurt myself more than ever. One of my friends began ignoring me, so in result I ditched them all. I literally have no more friends. I’ve had multiple panic attacks. I eat nothing, then everything at once. The works.

People tell me that if I just went outside and exercised, if only for 30 minutes a day, I’d be so much better. But they don’t understand. My weight ‘activates’ my depression. The depression tells me there’s no point. The anxiety tells me everyone would look at me if I tried to go jogging. Then I can’t get myself out of bed. Then I get called rude, fat and lazy.

My god, I’d love to go outside like other teenagers. I’d love to love myself. But I fucking c a n t.

#depression #anxiety #ed #help #weightloss #iwishicouldlovemyself #iwishiwasgoodenough #sofaraway #fat #ugly #overweight

2 notes · View notes

acuddlywinterbearinhybernation · 4 years

Text

Numb

Earlier today, I made a really dramatic and important decision. I wrote a letter to all my friends, and told them what I really thought of our friendship. In this letter, I explained what I’d been feeling and what I’d been pondering over for weeks. I decided that I could no longer be friends with them; I feel like I’m the least favourite in the friendship group and that I always put a downer of the group’s mood.

While I am known to be the responsible, maternal friend of the group, I began to feel like it was holding the group from having fun. They all tried to convince me otherwise, but I know they’re lying. I bet they’re more than happy that I finally removed myself from their lives.

As for myself, I’m not sure how I feel. Considering I haven’t seen them in person in about half a year due to COVID-19, and it’s the Summer Holidays, I don’t really have to worry about dealing with them head-on. Maybe I’ll feel different once I return to school and have to live with my decision, maybe I won’t.

For now, though, I feel as if I have done the right thing. But even then, I struggle to have an opinion on my own life.

I feel numb.

#numb #friendship #school #diffiucltdecisions

0 notes

acuddlywinterbearinhybernation · 4 years

Text

I’m torn.

I have had the same best friend through secondary school (the past 4 years), and our relationship has always been about having fun. We try to avoid more serious things, and we’re always rescuing one another from doing something we’ll regret.

However, ever since we’ve been forced into quarantine, it seems that she’s done everything in her power to avoid talking to me. I understand perfectly that she’s simply not allowed outside her house due to her carer’s medical complications, but texting and calling one another is not unheard of.

Before quarantine, we’d facetime one another every weekend, and every day after school when we had the chance. Now, we rarely text and whenever I call, the phone is put down on me, or left to ring. I have asked multiple times if there are only certain times she can call, but she tells me she’s available whenever. On multiple occasions she has admitted to ignoring me on purpose- without reason.

I’ve asked if I’m being too clingy or annoying, yet every time she reassures me I’m not. More than ten times has she texted me for 2 hours straight, and as soon as I ask if she can call me, my messages suddenly go un-read. There’s no point trying to pretend she missed my message or is busy; she was talking to me minutes before.

It hurts. Having nobody to talk to outside of my family is really difficult to adjust to and actually enjoy. It hurts more, knowing that I’m being ignored on purpose. Without an actual reason that has been made apparent (to me, at least).

It may sound like I’m jumping to conclusions, but we went into lockdown in March. It’s now the end of July, and she’s been doing this since the start. Something’s telling me she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I’d just like to know why, and then I will happily move on.

Sure, it will difficult going into our supposed last year of secondary school together further apart than we’ve ever been, but if she genuinely wants me to leave her alone, I will. Of course, I have many other friends, but it’ll never be the same.

Though for her sake, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

#bestfriends #bestfriend #helpneeded #GCSE #stressed

0 notes

acuddlywinterbearinhybernation · 4 years

Text

BLM

As time goes on, I’m getting more and more disappointed in myself for not involving myself more in the Black Lives Matter movement. I fully support the cause, and have spoken about it to anybody that will listen, but I haven’t said much in terms of my social media. This in itself is a huge let-down. Normally, I’d be straight here and posting about it, but my mind’s got the best of me- rather, it did.

I have told myself on multiple occasions that I didn’t deserve to speak about it so openly and emotionally- I told myself I wasn’t permitted to, considering I don’t have any experience with what those discriminated against because of their race have gone through. But, if anything, that gives me an even bigger reason to spread the word about it.

Multiple times have people been let down by a selective system, and shut down when they fight for justice. Too many times have people like and you and me been told our opinions are invalid, or that they’re not justified or informed enough because of this, that or other. It shakes me to my core when I realise how many people of colour have lost their lives as a result of disgusting, unnecessary, oppressive police brutality. It genuinely frightens me that right now, people are protesting, marching hand-in-hand, for peace- only to be greeted with rubber bullets and tear gas.

Why are we still fighting for equality in a society that claims to be so open-minded and all for freedom of speech? I cannot imagine the immense fear coloured people all over the planet feel when they get news about another murder. I cannot imagine the pain the families of these victims feel on a day-to-day basis- knowing that their murderers are still free, living life to the fullest.

So many people have been left to fend for themselves by a government that claims to want nothing but the best for its citizens. And yet nothing has changed since the murder of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery, to name a few of the thousands of victims killed unjustly and brutally.

I understand I will never be able to empathise completely with black people about their troubles, but I ask humbly that instead of fighting for this cause alone, you let me fight with you. At protests, let me stand by your side- better yet- I will stand in front of you to protect you from the bullets and tear gas that are sure to be heading our way. Let me help you, and together we’ll change the world.

My heart goes out to all those affected by police brutality, I pray every night for your lost friends/family members. All the best from me and my family.

0 notes