jo-is-missing

[jo-is-missing]

I’m less than 10 pounds away from my UGW!!

✨Time to make a new ugw✨

#goal weight #ultimate goal weight #anamia #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #weight loss #thoughts

[jo-is-missing]

Had to share my Home Screen cuz I’m a little obsessed.

#ios 14 #homescreen #iphone #ios14 update

[jo-is-missing]

You ever just sitting there, you know, feeling actually fine, and someone slides in to ask

“Are you okay?”

And then you get all in your head and wonder

“Am I okay?”

And then you kinda become like not really fine?

Just me? Kk cool good talk

#anamia #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #goal weight #weight loss #thoughts #i’m fine #current mood

[jo-is-missing]

No offense…: but you’re doing this for YOU. And you know when you sneak an extra serving without tracking the calories. Or put in half the the effort to your workout. You know when you cheat yourself and you can see the results all over your stomach, thighs, calves, arms, and back. You get what you put in. Put in the effort to take the stairs each time, leave the last few bites on your plate, drink the extra glasses of water. Simple. This is for you. Don’t cheat yourself.

[jo-is-missing]

I deleted this app for a month or so and thought that maybe I would *just get better.

Well. As you see...

Here we are again.

Send those diet plans my way. <3

#anamia #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #goal weight #weight loss #thoughts #bulimic #bulimia

[jo-is-missing]

do you also watch muckbangs when you are fasting? Or is it just me? lol

[jo-is-missing]

Them: Omg you look so good! How did you do it?

Me: *guiltily staring at the floor* uhh thanks haha umm I just uh have been uh...

.

.

.

I regret how many times I’ve had this interaction

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #goal weight #awkward

[jo-is-missing]

Downloading this app again is a relapse in itself.

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #goal weight #relapse

[jo-is-missing]

Contemplating

So, the other night, I got really drunk and told my friend all sorts of things about my ED that she didn’t know. Needless to say, it did not go well. She was of course upset, and then she asked me ultimately, what I was going to do about it. I was initially stuck of course because it’s a much more loaded process than just eating and being fine. It’s not like I can just eat normally and just be peachy. Two days. I went two days eating “normally” and here I am once again, venting to you all after a b/p. I told myself and someone close to me that I would try. I contemplated giving my scale away. Maybe burning the journal that I track literally everything in. I don’t know. It just feels like a waste at this point. I don’t wanna say I don’t wanna get better, but I wanna be in the place where I can get better and have it actually stick, you know? It’s tough. All of this is tough. I don’t want to ruin my life, but it’s like so hard being stuck in this place. This place where my self destructive behaviors are the only things that give me some sense of myself. Like my pain is the only tangible and real thing about me. I know somewhere deep down there are redeemable traits about myself that someone may see, but in the end, all I see when I look in the mirror is nothing. Nothing in my eyes. Nothing in my smile. Just nothing. “I don’t know” is the easiest response when it feels like nothing matters. I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point. Let me know if you relate to any of this. Love you all. Goodnight.

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #goal weight #thoughts #brain #venting

[jo-is-missing]

Update:

It seems I only gained half a pound from the meals yesterday. Not the worst considering some days I still purge and end up gaining anyway. Hopefully I can still hit 185 before my trip!

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout

[jo-is-missing]

I was trapped today. Out with my roommate and had to eat two meals with her and her friends with no possible way to sneak and get away to purge. I’m hoping my body does its thing to work out those impending pounds, but I’m also curious to see how much weight I put on after eating those two meals. I’ll make an update in the morning. I’m counting this as preparing for vacation, as I will be stuck with my sister and having to eat all the things in the world and may not have the chance to purge.

Wish me luck!

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #weight loss #goal weight

[jo-is-missing]

*wakes up with sore throat*

“Oh no...I’ve got the rona*

“Oh wait haha I’m just bulimic”

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #bulimia #bulimic #coronavirus

[jo-is-missing]

JUST LOOKING FOR AN EAR...

I feel like I’ve been losing myself for a while now. Before coronavirus. Before George Floyd. Before any of the life altering stuff that 2020 has dropped at our feet. I feel like a lost myself months ago.

So when people ask me how I am with “everything going on,” I can’t tell if they are asking for my opinion on the current world climate or if they can see straight into my mind. I feel so conflicted when anyone says “how are you?” I die inside honestly, because as a black American, I feel like people are expecting me to have something to say about George Floyd. And I must have something to say about the craziness of coronavirus too right?

But I don’t. I know have anything to say. Not to anyone. Not even to myself. I feel lost inside my mind, and I low key feel bad for asking anyone for help in a crazy time like this. I don’t know. I guess I just needed to vent, and Facebook didn’t seem like a safe place to post this. So please. Hear me. Show some love. If you relate, send me a message.

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #george floyd #black lives matter #coronavirus #covid 19

[jo-is-missing]

Sometimes you just gotta turn that phone on do not disturb just to get rid of the burden of explaining yourself to people.

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #sad

[jo-is-missing]

Therapist: *staring at me awaiting a reply*

Me: *wondering how many calories are in toothpaste*

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #anorexia #bulimia

[jo-is-missing]

Just had a fucking rager of a b/p. I lost 3.2 pounds in a matter of minutes. Reblog for the luck to spread to you! We got this y’all!

#anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #bulimia #anorexia #purge tips

[jo-is-missing]

Is it just me?

Or does the number on the scale each morning define your entire day? Like every tenth of a pound up or down marks the trajectory of the next 24 hours. Like any ounce more means hundreds of minutes obsessing over your skin and how it hangs over your bones, and how your teeth hold on through that next purge. Or how your eyes cry tears that encapsulate all the wishes and inspirations you are dying to embody. It’s hard. This shit is hard. I want so badly to not be consumed by these thoughts daily, but I also fear so badly letting go of them. I just feel like I’m stuck in this gray void, and I don’t know how to get out.

#grayvoid #anamia #thinspii #ed thoughts #bones #bonesp0 #like #send asks #fat #workout #bulimia #anorexia #thoughts #reblog