lifeofruck

[lifeofruck]

A TEST OF PATIENCE : LEARNING TO LAUGH AT MYSELF AND FOCUSING ON CREATING AN OPTIMISTIC OUTLOOK ON LIFE.

TLDR ; Anxiety, Depression, and ADD/ADHD--overcoming behavioral patterns and trying to shift a negative mentality into that of an optimist.

I’m fairly open about my mental state at all times, and I have to address that since December, it’s been a challenge controlling my mental behavioral patterns. In fact, they’ve worsened to the point that academics and personal life were strained and I decided to seek professional help, because frankly I have never felt worse.

Pessimism is always a struggle of mine; I am constantly worried about disappointing myself or others--which feeds into social anxiety and depression (and being a blabber-mouth about everything). My ADD/ADHD left my mind blank and unable to retain information, my emotions were way too intense for me to handle and I soon felt my self-control spiraling. I didn’t quite know what to do, and I didn’t want to burden anyone further about my problems, because on the outside I look fine. Yet and still people seemed to be either repelled by my constant inability to focus / empathize or completely ignorant / unaware of the level of distress I was experiencing despite my addressing that I was going through a (very) rough patch... and that I was obviously not in the headspace to be the friend or person I needed to be. Unfortunately, many people unexpectedly had a negative influence on my mental health, with(/out) their knowledge.

But, after revisiting therapy, I’ve been intensely focusing on rehabilitating my mentality from traumas that I’m not quite willing to share and would rather keep off of the internet, at the moment. What matters is that, after 2-3 months, I am feeling like the person that I want to be--or at least I’m on the path of being that. I am trying to be more optimistic and confident in my life decisions--I’ve always been sure of what I want out of life, and thankfully, I’ve always pursued the goals I’ve set for myself despite the obstacle. I just want to extinguish the urge to tell myself that “X person doesn’t like you, so you shouldn’t go to Y event” or “I’m too weird for people to like me / continue speaking to me” or “Maybe you’re not ready for this...” or “You’re not X kind of person.” I know that I SHOULDN’T TELL MYSELF THESE THINGS. My mentality beats me down and I get attached to negative feedback, people or things that I know don’t belong in my life--but I couldn’t bear to let go because it gives me a certain type of comfort. 

Now, I’m refusing to let anything or anyone get in the path that I set for myself to become the woman I need to be, to achieve the career I want to follow, the list goes on. My “I quit” phase won’t stop--because I have to quit a great many (negative) influences, activities, people, and situations. And it’s not necessarily bad. It just means that my relationship with all things uncomfortable just becomes more snug than before. I have to learn to receive information in the lightest way possible, learn to laugh at or dismiss things that normally would trigger me, and smile hurdle over depression. I’m being cheesy and cliché, but isn’t that what you’d expect of me?

T.

p.s. special thanks to those who have lent their ears and have been gracious enough to be patient and understanding with me.

#mental health #depression #anxiety #adhd #adhd problems #adhd positivity

[lifeofruck]

A TEST OF PATIENCE, PART ONE : AN INTRODUCTION TO IDENTITY.

*The following entry is based on experiences unique to my life. I do not want to encroach on anyone else’s headspace by saying that this is how every Black-identified person feels or should feel. Thank you.*

As a young black woman I feel very strongly about my identity—especially in recent years, due to the sudden uprise (aka media coverage) of bigoted and racist attitudes in the United States.

Moving to another country at the end of 2016 birthed a confusion in me that I’ve never felt before.The ignorance, bigotry, and racism in a culture different from my norm had opened my eyes and ears to a whole new kind of way of dealing with racism: nationwide denial and false inclusivity. J’ai quelques soucis, France.

I, like many, have passed certain milestones that a black person unfortunately will experience in their lifetime. And, being a multi-racial human, I have faced situations unique to mixed persons. With that, undeniably, comes a certain type of privilege; the “but” is now introduced into the conversation. I am black but I have lighter, more “caramel” skin... the hue in which Kardashians aspire to be. I have tightly coiled hair, but it straightens easily...making me look almost racially ambiguous, “exotic,” and/or even “prettier than my natural self”*. I am “well-spoken,” y’all can we be real on this one, I don’t even have to explain the level of nope on that statement and where it always leads to*. The list goes on. However, these attributes are enough to render me “not black enough” and in turn, some people think it’s ok to openly discuss, question, or complain about blacks--not expecting me to speak out against anything that is usually insulting. Because I’m brown. But not “like them”-- stereotypically “ghetto.” I’m here to tell you: don’t. 

Don’t start your sentence with “I’m not racist, but...” Don’t give a compliment attached with a negation. If you’re held up on what’s ok or not okay to say, don’t say it. Google it. 

As for the French society, I’ve found that racism and bigotry is more veiled than anything. Enter immense denial of racial behaviors. Racist or ignorant behavior is often passed off as not a problem by many folk, and hardly an apology is offered when the other party is offended. In fact, the opposite happens: the subject is either immediately swept under the rug, explained away, or passed off as a joke. It’s a slap in the face with an opera glove: soft, but best believe ya girl still been slapped and she’s not here for it.

While this is my personal experience, I have heard similar stories from POC and expats in France. Here, “I do not see color” is alive and well—and shows through the refusal of races based census and statistics. Without these census how are we to know the demographics of POC in this modern country? This is acting as a type of erasure, yet many accept it as “the way that the world works” because it “does not encourage racial separation”... except it does. I have many questions that are difficult to ask and receive an adequate answer.

POC is not POC in this case. POC is replaced by nationality. This confuses me.

I’ve waited to speak about this publicly because I have honestly been internalizing this topic, though it constantly circulates in my mind. It’s caused me to be silent around non-POC friends and my partner, yet I need my safe space. And that is here.

Despite the disorganized nature of this post, I’m raw and trying to find my voice by writing from a place of hurt, confusion, and frustration. 

*All remarks I have heard from strangers, friends, lovers, and even family. Yikes.

*And in case you don’t know where the “you’re so well spoken” leads to, it’s often followed by an extremely uncomfortable conversation about how you are not like “the others” or the fact that you must have received a “good (white) education”...

#identity #black identity #life of ruck #france #american in paris #lol #blog #blog post

[lifeofruck]

how to avoid education burnout

have 3 achievable goals a day: having a laundry list of things to do everyday is super unrealistic, and you just end up feeling bad about yourself because you didn’t accomplish your goals for the day.

leave your sundays open: i love sundays because they’re my day to chill out and catch up on school work that i wasn’t able to finish during the week.

recognize when you’re at your emotional limits: forcing yourself to get work done when you are unable to comprehend your study material does not benefit anyone.

learn how to say no: people will ask you for your time and it will stretch you to the limit, whether it be at your job, in your extracurriculars, or in your personal life. know when to step back and say no.

take care of yourself physically: take breaks, go for walks, shower regularly, get enough sleep, eat healthy, see your friends

celebrate your accomplishments: go out to eat with friends after a big exam, indulge in a night off after a busy week with some netflix and wine

make a study plan beforehand: it can be daunting to see how much work you need to put in to a class or task beforehand, but this allows you to spread your work evenly so you don’t become overwhelmed.

learn how to ask for help: it is very rare that people make it through school, whether it be high school or university or any graduate program, without needing the advice of others or just a kind soul to vent to. find that person.

never forget your hobbies: you will need things that keep you sane. if you love to play music, write, play volleyball, or cook, make you sure you don’t lose these things. they will become your escape when times get tough.

log off from time to time: it is exhausting to be constantly connected to social media and your email. just physically disconnecting from these for a night to take care of yourself can really help you clear your mind.

#not my post

[lifeofruck]

RECLUSE / LIFE UPDATES.

Some might say that it is quite unhealthy to spend so much time in your apartment. I say, I don’t plan on resurfacing until Monday afternoons.

Yes, kids. It’s nearing finals and my mind is overloaded with all the information I’m taking in, it’s almost like the average French students’ goal is to become a walking Encyclopedia by the time that they’re in L3* and I’m absolutely bursting with anxiety on how I am to achieve this. 

As a result, I have yet again neglected this blog. I’m not sorry, I’m a busy-bee student who was working two jobs, juggling 8 courses, and trying (and failing) to reach 8-9 hours of sleep every night. Frankly, I was becoming overwhelmed and was soon to reach the point of struggling. I decided to turn off my phone and take refuge in the Netherlands. It was wonderful to not have my phone buzzing with “Let’s hangout”s or “When can we meet to start X project”s, I just needed time to think, expand my headspace, and come to some conclusions on things I had been pondering on.

Soon after returning from the Netherlands, my brother came to visit and we took off to vacation in Belgium. I found that I had little time to spend with him because my schedule was so jam-packed and I didn’t like that. During this time, I really lost control of my academic discipline; I took a step back and reevaluated what was making me unhappy, I thought to myself: Why am I doing this? You don’t need to be doing so many unnecessary things that are to no benefit to you, it’s time to make some executive decisions and let go of your fear of failing. I started letting go of anything and everything that is holding me back from being a more progressive person. Finally, in my shitty little Eat, Pray, Love moment I quit. 

I quit Rock Climbing training. I quit my job. I quit procrastinating. I quit my phone.** I’m happier, less stressed, and still working on the process of saying no.

Currently, recovering and progressing is my priority. And, as a non-emotional introvert, writing and expressing myself so freely and publicly is still so unnerving. The reason I write here, instead of social media, is to remove the shallow meaning of a Facebook post. I do not want to contribute the meaninglessness of social media, as I feel like what I want to say is meant for those who want to take time to come here and read what I have to express, instead of merely clicking “like” impulsively. And if there is anyone out there who does take the time to read this, thank you for being you.

T. 

*License 3, aka Senior year.

**OKAY, I drastically limited my time / deleted social media apps.

[lifeofruck]

Me: *sees a relatable meme*

Me: même

[lifeofruck]

ECHOING ME TOO’S.

This is a bit late to say Me Too, but is there really a “too late” to say something holding such weight? 

I’ve been thinking a lot about sexual harassment and abuse lately…why? Because I’m a woman. Because it happens to me every day. Because it happens to women every day.  Because it happens to teens—to children, even. Because I’m thinking, constantly thinking, about ways to protect myself mentally and physically against these attacks. About who around me could be an aggressor.

Just the other day I was sexually harassed, this morning I was sexually harassed. It’s something that I am tired of. Why do men think it’s ok to invade my personal space in the metro? I have questions…What makes you want to rub your groin on the lower half of my body in a crowded metro? What do you think I will say—after you, a strange man, follows me for blocks on foot or in your car? “Hey why don’t you join me for coffee, you look like a nice fella and you’re so interested in me I noticed you were working up the courage to come talk to me after having followed me all this way, hollering profanities. Yeah, baby, come on over let’s be together.” FUCK THAT. I’m scared, I’m afraid—I always will be.

Watching The Keepers with a friend*, I was bombarded with questions about why women wait so long after experiencing / enduring harassment and abuse. “Why don’t they just come out and say that X male has done something to make them feel unsafe or suffer psychological harm?” 

We were, and are, afraid. This frightening feeling manifests after our first harassment, this happening at an average age of 12-13 years old. We’re so afraid to lose our family, friends, and jobs. However, it’s not all our doing, there are cases where we are threatened and manipulated to keep quiet—recent news of the Weinstein harassment is evidence of this.

Yet, it’s not all on us women. It’s men, and their unspoken “guy code” and fragile need to upkeep their image as a man with as little conflict between their buddies as possible. Men, I have my own questions for you. While I know that “not all men” take part in this blatant ignoring of this type of behavior—thanks for reminding me—the men who speak out against these issues** know who they are. Why choose to keep quiet about knowing of situations of harassment / abuse, when you know that “it’s none of your business”? 

And, to be fair, I have encountered women who are guilty of the same action. Just because you do not want to be involved in any funny business doesn’t mean that you can’t alert others of this behavior in a tactical way. Just a thought. 

* A cis-male

** George Clooney

#ME TOO #sexual harassment #harassment #street harassment #women

[lifeofruck]

It’s Sunday.

Sundays are days of reflection, revision, and reparation. Of the body, home space, and above all, university notes that have absurd, non-class-related comments reminding myself to set an appointment with the optometrist.*

I have been so extremely focused on administrative and educational tasks that I’ve been losing track of my social life and enjoying where I am in life. It took an alert like a painful stomach ulcer for my mind to finally switch from “MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE” to “CHILL.” So chill, I did.

Despite being a devout atheist, I love religion. And given that I’m studying Art History and am currently enrolled in a two Medieval courses (Medieval Architecture / Archeology and Religious Iconography), I am bound to be surrounded by religion. Recently, I have been dedicating an enormous amount of time during the weekend(s) researching L’Église Saint-Gervais-Et-Saint-Protais for my individual project. Therefore, I have decided to go to church...for studies, funnily enough.

One major thing that I discovered while researching was that the Sacramental Bread of the church was freshly picked from the wall each morning.

I digress. This weekend has been wonderful to say the least, while I’m still making sure to maintain my study progress (ugh), I’m living the Sex in the City life I am meant to live. (Oh geez, I hope I’m not being a complete Carrie Bradshaw.)

This weekend was the first time I didn’t feel pressed for time. I tend to get anxious and buckle under stress. Additionally, I don’t like to slow down to take time for myself because I feel like I’m losing time… When I’m that way, I tend to lose track of myself and what I want. It took an ulcer for me to slow down and realize that while working hard is definitely a good thing, I don’t need to be grinding myself so hard. I’m in my early 20′s, so I don’t need to be acting like a character from Mad Men–meaning every task is not a dire need to do now situation.

I’m making time for myself, going to cafés, taking long and lazy walks in the city without keeping track of time, and finally, writing and creating art. Yet, I feel that I still have more that I could be doing?

*

[lifeofruck]

IT’S BEEN A WEEK.

It all started with the French (anti)Administration.

For those of you who aren’t aware, the French Administration is notorious for being wildly inadequate. Everything you can imagine going wrong has, is, or will go wrong when dealing with them... Recently, I have been going to the Police Prefecture in order to settle some Visa business that, in theory, should be easy to complete. This was not the case.

After waiting in line at the prefecture for three days in a row, I had waited a total of about 10 hours just to ask one question...What is the status of my visa that I was supposed to receive a convocation for, about a month ago? Y’all. In this three day period, I experienced an existential crisis and a stress-induced stomach ulcer. I was an emotional roller coaster--to have been rejected so many times in such a short period of time is the most discouraging feeling.

The difficulties I faced at the prefecture happened in stages:

1. Waking up extremely early (but not early enough) to get a good place in line in order to meet the ridiculous one hour (14h-15h ; 2PM-3PM) office hour of the department I needed to speak to...let’s just say it didn’t happen.

2. Having to leave to meet other, equally important, appointments and being obliged to leave the queue--later forcing myself to return in order to subject myself to the same hell of waiting in line for hours.

3. Experiencing rejection and the erasure of my appointment right in front of my eyes after fighting with security that I do, in fact, have an appointment despite their completely unreasonable denial. Then, dealing with the embarrassment of having fought with a man who brought me to tears after telling me that I am a literal idiot (and other personal insults) in front of 30+ people queuing. Talk about awkward.

4. Witnessing many fights between the visa workers and students who’ve waited in line patiently to address their issues. These fights ranged from intense verbal arguments to violent, physically intrusive squabbles. As an American, I was absolutely appalled that an office worker would lay hands on and physically assault (push, pull / yank and grab roughly) a much younger student. And, frankly, I was worried and afraid that this could happen to me if I were to disagree with or squabble with an office worker.

In my experience, the workers at any prefecture or government prefecture or office are equivalent to pit bulls bred to fight. In any circumstance, no matter the time of day, there is no right time to speak to an office worker. They’re mood is as sour as milk left in the fridge three months after the “best by” date, and there is no changing that. No amount of California smile or American friendliness will even brighten their visage.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE, I was able to get a hold of an email address that may be able to help with my situation, and received an email from a worker the same day after I wrote them. A miracle, which was promptly celebrated by a good night’s sleep. And in an effort to keep my posts short and sweet, I will end this here. 

Let’s hope for the best, this is yet to be over.

#a rant about french administration #french administration #france #paris #french visa #visa process

[lifeofruck]

ABOUT

Hey there!*

My name is Talia, a Californian studying Art History and French. During the 2016-2017 / 2017-2018 academic years I have been studying in Paris, France at various institutions.

Now, the purpose of this blog was originally intended to be a personal blog about studying abroad, yet I find that I am not able to dedicate myself to making a blog with a focused on one topic. As I have been wanting to create this blog for a while now, I have finally just decided to go ahead and do it without any hesitation. 

A year after moving to Paris I finally decide to make a blog? Well, yep. I always saw writing publicly as a stress-inducing act, always thinking that I needed to edit my words and worrying that I’m not clear or relatable enough. And of course my fear of opening my life to the public, as I am a private person. Now, I’m choosing to override this feeling and go ahead and write what I want. Though, I’m still worried about not being able to dedicate enough time to blog weekly or regularly, so we will see how this goes. I’m a busy woman. 

Why The FAQ? 

So many people ask me the same questions! Though it’s nice that many of you are so interested, it can be a little tiring responding to the same questions, etc. Therefore, The FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) is born. I invite you to interact with me via the “MESSAGE” option located at the top of the page!

*I’m quite horrible at introductions and get-to-know-me bios. yikes.

I will also be sharing websites, apps, tools, and techniques related to my studies and traveling if you’re interested in that. (Links on my blog will be available via sidebar.)

(Disclaimer, information reblogged / adapted from other studyblrs, websites, etc., will be stated.)

#About

[lifeofruck]

LINKS

TAGS

APPS

FRENCH STUFF ( - PHRASES - VOCABULAIRE -)

JOURNALS

MENTAL HEALTH ( - ANXIETY - DEPRESSION - ENCOURAGEMENT - INTROVERSION - SOCIAL - )

NOTE TAKING

STUDY ABROAD STUFF

STUDY SPACES & PLACES, PICTURES

TIPS

TOOLS

WORDS OF INSPIRATION

WEBSITES

#links #art student #studylikeanartstudent #new study #study hard #studyblr #studyspo #student #new study finds #new study blog #new studyblr #new studyspo #new blog