merelymedia

[merelymedia]

"You are strong, you are supported, you are loved." You whisper the words in your car where no one can hear you. Your hand resting on your abdomen is the physical sign the words aren't meant for yourself, but for the new soul growing inside you.

The first time you see those double lines your mind goes blank with shock. You custom order a cake and use references from your husband's favorite show to make the picture perfect surprise announcement. You giggle and exclaim and plan to keep it a secret until you know everything is fine, only to tell half your friends the very next day. You're hesitant, you know things can go wrong and try but fail not to fall head over heels in excitement for what is to come. You're nauseous, and exhausted, and sore, and hungry every second despite not wanting to eat anything. But you relish it because every ping of nausea reminds you of how much you love what is growing, of how lucky you feel that there are no signs of anything wrong. And then two months of dreaming in you get to the appointment, disappointed that thanks to the pandemic your husband can't be there to see your child's image for the first time, or hear the heartbeat; but so ready to finally get that confirmation everything is fine.

And then there's silence. You sit alone in the hallway waiting for the doctor to confirm what you already know. You try to hold it together long enough to listen to your options, to decide if you want the physical pain of medicine, the emotional pain of waiting, or the financial pain of surgery; you know some women end up with all three. You have to wait a week, to confirm, even though there is no doubt. And in that week you go back to work, and your body hasn't realized. And now the pings of nausea that come make you want to scream, or cry, or hit something. Because how is it fair to still be so pregnant knowing there is no baby coming?

The second time you see the pink lines there is hope, there is joy, but they are overshadowed by fear. You wake your husband and briefly tell him the news before giving him a kiss goodbye as you leave for the workday. This time you tell fewer people. When things go wrong it's less shocking, less painful, and yet more destructive. The doctor and the old sayings both tell you that if you get pregnant right after a miscarriage it's more likely to be successful. Everyone says once you have one it's statistically unlikely to have another. So you had hope. But when that hope is proven wrong what do you have left?

The third time you see the lines you consider just leaving the test in the bathroom for your husband to come across. It no longer means anything except anxiety. You don't start wondering what the gender will be, instead you ask yourself "I wonder how long this one will last." You don't tell a soul. When it ends it feels like a cut on numb skin. Something you know should hurt but you can't bring yourself to feel. Why is everything so much harder than it needs to be? For the first time you start to question whether this will ever happen for you.

The first time you're angry. You lose it over small things. You about get yourself in hot water going off at work about everything and everyone.

The second time you're desperate. You use your lunch hours to break down in the car. You come this close to quitting your job. Because surely there has to be something you can change to make things work out differently. Surely it can't actually be this out of your control.

The third time you're withdrawn. Things that used to feel important no longer feel worth your energy.

But you learn things too.

The first time you learn your coworkers have your back. They'll listen to you rant because they know you need to be angry about something easier to face, so they'll let you without taking it in. You learn it's okay to have boundaries, to unfollow social media accounts of people expecting and going through the newborn years. You learn to take time doing the things that calm you.

The second time you learn to find a therapist. You learn not to put your attendance record at a job that doesn't care for you over your own wellbeing. You learn to accept the love of friends bringing/sending you care packages to keep you stocked with sweets and chocolates at all times. You learn you are surrounded by honestly wonderful people that care about you more than your anxiety let you realize.

The third time you learn that sometimes you have to let go of always planning for the future and live for now. That it's okay to spend some money when you have it on things you want, instead of always worrying about things you may need. You learn to focus on the love that fills your life now.

The past year has been a difficult one. And yet I still feel blessed. I feel blessed to be surrounded by the people that I am. I feel blessed to have jobs through uncertainty. I feel blessed that one way or another I know I will see my husband be the amazing father I know he will be, and that we will have a family of our own. I'm grateful to the people who have and continue to love us and care for us. And I'm hopeful about what the future will bring.

#pregnancy and infant loss awareness month #i am 1 in 4 #pregnancy loss

[merelymedia]

Okay but, same.

PALM SPRINGS (2020)  dir. Max Barbakow

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you ever just get in bed and ur like yep this is where i’m meant to be

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After a stressful day I was about to down a full bottle of wine but took a pregnancy test just to be sure, despite neither my husband or I feeling the juju this month.

Instant positive!

But the reality is instead of being excited I’m just wondering when this one will end. I miss my niave self that thought pregnancy equals baby. At this point I see positive tests more as a miscarriage waiting to happen than anything else.

I want to be hopeful but I’m so tired.

#pregnancy after loss #pregnant #pregnancy #maybe one day we’ll get our rainbow baby #but it doesnt feel like it

[merelymedia]

Melissa Fumero as Det. Amy Santiago 

#melissa fumero #amy santiago #brooklyn nine nine #b99

[merelymedia]

People: ACCEPT CANON

Me: WHYYY??

People:

Me:

#yup #oh look it me #otp #why are noncannon ships the best ships

[merelymedia]

So I just started a suits rewatch and I can’t with these two. I’ve never believed in love at first sight. But the heart eyes Harvey unknowingly has from the very beginning...

I present to you a list of things that happen in the first two episodes entitled “very heterosexual new professional relationship”

1.) Mike plays Harvey’s games, and instead of his normal need to beat anyone who challenges him, Harvey respects Mike for it.

2.) Sleep deprived, delirious Mike starts acting like an idiot and Harvey just stares at him like the adorable goofball he is, playing along with his random cocky finger guns.

3.) At the very end of a case Harvey lets Mike bring it home and take the credit, so he can experience a win.

4.) Harvey, who never fights for anyone chases down Mike, who is still a brand new hire, to convince him not to quit.

5.) Sensing something is off with Mike Harvey interrupts him mid sentence, orders him to stop saying “Look at me” while staring into his eyes from mere inches away.

6.) Donna, Harvey’s best friend tells Mike that he hurt Harvey (the one who is supposedly chronically unattached so he never gets hurt) by letting him down.

*I feel the need to chime in here as a reminder they are still in the first weeks of their realtionship*

7.) Harvey stares at Mike’s back as he walks out the door, smiles and utters the phrase “good boy.” (Really with this one????)

This is how they interact when they’re practically STRANGERS! I’m not sure I’m ready to get hurt by these two again.

Suits 1.01 | Pilot 

#suits #mike ross #harvey specter #marvey #suitsusa #not my gifs #otp #god non canon ships rip your heart out #ships

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Paxton looking at Devi without her noticing

#never have i ever #daxton #devi x paxton #nhie

[merelymedia]

What did you most enjoy about playing Captain Pike in Season 2? - Anson Mount Star Trek: Discovery Season 2 interview, January 7 2019

#star trek discovery #star trek #anson mount #discovery #captain pike #pike #chris pike

[merelymedia]

Me.

#im in this and I do not like it #michael scott #the office #oof #me

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#brooklyn nine nine #jake peralta #b99 #oh look it me #2020 mood

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[merelymedia]

I’m thinking about getting into fic writing again now that life has calmed down. Thanks to tumblr’s lack of time stamps I’m sitting here wondering, are people still into the suits/Marvey fandom even with the show over?

Any other active fandoms you’re loving right now?

#fanfics #marvey #suits #mike x harvey #harvey x mike #harvey specter #fandoms

[merelymedia]

Dear the 1 in 4 American men who don’t consider exposing yourself to someone without their consent to be sexual assault:

FUCK YOU.

That is all.

#ive been off tumblr for nedaweek because triggers #but then I had to deal with the most threatening indecent exposure event ive experienced to date #I work late so everyone is asleep #thus the shouting into the tumblr void

[merelymedia]

Without a doubt: Of Mice and Men

I was not prepared.

I may or may not have thrown my book across the portable in a fit of rage.

And engaged in a heated debate with my English teacher. And by heated I mean we were literally yelling at each other as 30 other 16 year olds just kinda stared.

I’m still not over it.

what books were you assigned to read in a class that you still hold a violent and bitter grudge against

for me it’s into the wild and the scarlet letter

#of mice and men

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if Dog’s are Man’s Best Friend cat’s are man’s favorite roommate who showed up one night to eat our food from our fridge and decided to stay

#b99 #brooklyn nine nine #I had no idea where this was going #but...yup

[merelymedia]

The Good Place - 2x11 - The Burrito

#the good place #tgp #michael #pll