onlyamy

[onlyamy]

I Do? I Guess I Don't Remember....

I was watching CBS Sunday Morning not long after I'd heard things were amiss with my father when they did a piece on Glenn Campbell. He'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and it had progressed to the point that his kids were in his band so they could help him feel familiar with his surroundings and support him when he did things like, forget the lyrics to a song he'd sung over a hundred times. When they were interviewing his wife they were asking her what it was like to watch him struggle with Alzheimer's, Glenn sitting next to her, looks confused and asks her, 'Who has Alzheimer's?' 'You do Glenn' she replied and he looks even more confused and says, 'I do?' I sobbed. I knew that all to soon this would be what we'd be facing. But I've started in the middle of this story,  to understand everything I'll take you to back to the beginning.

When I was 8 years old my biological father left. Like, left-left. My Mother and sister and I had been gone for the weekend and came home and he'd cleaned up and cleaned out leaving little more than a note on a table and not much else. I'd spend the rest of my childhood, teen years and early adulthood feeling that abandonment I'm sad to admit out loud. You want to believe that this might change you a bit but in the fairness of all honesty it did more than just affect me a little. It changed who I was and since he'd never come around again until my late 20's, with much conviction I'd spend those crucial years believing all men lied, left, and had little love to give. 

When my mom met Ardie I was in my mid 20's and I wasn't exactly open and accepting. They dated, I rolled my eyes. They got engaged, I rolled my eyes. They married, I rolled my eyes some more. They started living a life and I just kept waiting for a fall out. But then change took over my world, the one man I decided to let in I married, and he proved that a tragic mistake only reinforcing my anti-men belief. But Ardie he remained strong. There wasn't anymore eye rolling. In fact when my brief marriage fell apart he was there to help me pick up the pieces, like the Father I'd been waiting for.

As the years have gone on I became closer & closer to him and what I began to realize was there were so many wounds he'd healed I'd been unaware of until I faced 'losing' him. The misconception is that if they're still there physically that you don't feel the same pain someone else does who's truly gone from this world. I've learned that both are equally tragic. Both you lose the one you loved. Both you mourn that person not being present in your world anymore. What I had never prepared for was how you never stop mourning when they're right in front of you. Your heart continues to break over & over again. 

I was in Texas when my mom called to warn me he'd not been acting the same. But you argue with yourself it's nothing, it's just old age. Until you're sitting in a Doctor's office and they're telling you it's Alzheimer's and here's the protocol...and then you tune out. Because you feel to young to be losing a parent. Because you'd spent all of your life waiting for that Father void to be filled it can't be done already. Because you had no idea you could feel so much sadness so quickly. But with having friends who'd lost parents before you had, you'd SEEN what it was like first hand...you thought. You thought you had until it happened to you. Our family, my mom, have all rallied. Have all been so amazing. A true team spirit. We are one and all we want is to ease this journey of his and quite a journey it is...

For now you find yourself sitting in a hospital room repeating the same thing over and over again to a man who used to be so smart he ran a company. You find yourself getting yelled at by him about how mean you are because you won't give him what the doctor's have told you he can't have. You spend most days crying because your heart never stops praying for this to end. You find yourself reading every article you can find written about it--Amy Grant, Lee Woodruff all will write articles around the time you're hearing his diagnosis and you cling to their words of encouragement like a life raft. 

I have acted in ways since his diagnosis that aren't me. I've pushed people away that I know would do my heart good. I've yelled at people when I didn't mean to. I haven't said anything at all to others when I was doing more harm than good by saying nothing at all. I've taken career and life risks when I didn't have the heart or will power or strength to do it and I've failed because I feel so guilty leaving the side of this person who in so little time showed me what a true Father figure was. 

I'm not ready to let him go. But I truly want more for his life than this. Where he can't be left alone. Where he can't even make decisions about his own lunch anymore, forget about making multi-million dollar decisions for a pharma company. He's big in stature but now has to be handled, watched, and catered to like a little child and I feel selfish for struggling with letting him go. When a glimpse of him comes around every now and again I usually cry myself to sleep knowing it's just a fleeting minute of the old him, of his wonderful heart.

I miss the man who used to call to check on me to see how my latest adventure was making out. I miss the man who used to take me aside and tell me that no matter what other's were saying about my decisions he believed in me and if I put my mind to it I could do anything I wanted to. But more than anything I miss his heart because he even though he physically sits right in front of me his spirit is long gone and mine is here left to fight for him, love for him, advocate for him until his body decides to go meet his spirit...

Take each day as it comes. Enjoy the good days, knowing the bad days will loom large but will pass and loving him like there's no tomorrow. Because someday there will be no more tomorrow for him and then I'll mourn the loss of him some more... 

#alzheimer's #dementia #family #fighter #love #father #daughter #lee woodruff #amy grant #sadness #death #life #life choices #cbs sunday morning #Glenn Campbell #senior care

[onlyamy]

Giving Without Expectation

How many times do you think about giving without expectation?

And I'm not talking about a thing here, like a physical object.

I mean to give something like your friendship, your heart, an ear to listen?

How many times do you do this without expecting something back?

I want to say this, I think MOST people do this. Expect something back that is--even if it's a certain reaction. Those of us who are a glutton for punishment ( I KID, I KID!) do this whole give without thinking sometimes to our detriment... in other words we give and give and give. 

BUT in my little time alone recently (alright so I was sick and flu like and no one technically COULD be around me. but whatever) I spent that time rehashing some things. Some people. Some relationships.

One you know about, I released a post right at the new year, 'An Open Letter' about loving this person beyond measure. Wishing I had, had the nerve to tell them this but that we had evolved (Okay so he met someone else, again, whatever) but now we were trying to be friends (trying MIGHT be the operative word here--but hey at least we're trying!) and I did a soul release with that letter (yes, I know that sounds hippie dippy!) But I decided I was going to let that carry on into the rest of my life. I was going to go into this year without doing that to another person--without expecting someone to give me something back or behave in a certain way because I'd reached out. That's a heavy load to bear, to put your expectation onto someone else about what you want back out of what you've given them.

But it came into discussion today, a buddy of mine was calling and hashing out some girl problems (SEE ladies WE'RE NOT the only ones who do this!) and he was saying, 'Yeah but when I text or call and she doesn't respond I'm just so let down I'm not going to keep doing X, Y and Z if she doesn't do this_____' and I said to him, 'Wait you're going about this all wrong. You should never do that to another. I mean yes, you should expect a mutual respect. But you should just do/be/give without expectation. AND you should definitely not expect something in return. So I even gave an example of the said mentioned guy in the first paragraph, I said, 'Okay so if I text him or call him I'm doing it because that's what I WANT to do. Not because I'm expecting him to react in a certain way. I don't do that to him. If you want to truly give you give without thought. So you're kind to someone else because that's who YOU ARE. Now I'm not saying get walked all over and I'm not saying you have to do this forever. But someone else's reaction or what you get out of it should not be where you find the source of your happiness.'

But my friend isn't the only one who does this, and I'm not saying I'm perfect--far from it. But I am really (REALLY) working on this, 'giving without expectation this year.' Just trying to be happy. Trying to remind myself how to be a better friend, a better person by giving without expectation. Doing without expecting something in return. It's kind of like a pay it forward for your relationships because I'm quite sure there are those around me who have done this for me and I am completely unaware. Completely.  

So as I was finishing talking to my friend and hanging up I get a text back from him, almost immediately saying, 'That concept of giving without expecting something--that's a good quality to have you know.' and it made me smile. Because it takes so little to shift your way of thought but you get SO MUCH out of it. When you let go how others behavior affects you and just let you be you.... a weight is lifted.  So this whole "concept" as my friend says I think I'll keep trying to make it a top priority...because a little giving without expectation is all any of us really need.

Truly.

A pay it forward for your spirit indeed. 

#Giving #expectation #men #women #mars #venus #commuication #pay it forward #madonna

[onlyamy]

You Turn A Corner...

And suddenly there is your past staring right back at you....

Looking almost the same. Only a little wiser. A little grey at the temples. It's been so long though the heart attack that takes place in your chest is your indication that this is one of those moments that just stops you dead in your tracks.

What is it like when you turn that corner and your past is standing there? Well ironically after the heart stops racing. The pulse calms down and you're able to articulate a thought all you want to say is, 'It's good to see you friend..... It's been way too long.' 

And you hope that the past stumbles, issue and problem that caused you to divide so long ago you can't even remember when you spoke last--only that it wasn't good and there were tears---are forgotten just like that date you both parted. 

Gone like a leaf in the wind.

Turning that metaphorical corner tonight couldn't have come at a better time...

It's a brand new year.  We're literally being given that brand new shot. Truly. Honestly. Sincerely.

Here's to hoping it's not just a run in with a ghost from the past...but an old friend being welcomed back into a new world.

One.

Can.

Only.

Hope.

2013 you weren't kidding when we looked at each other and said bring it.... 

#new year #corner #old friend #old ghosts #2013

[onlyamy]

To L.A. and Back...

So it seems I'm not the only one who's hit the 2013 ground with a take charge, take no prisoners attitude...

I mean I'm not surprised.

How often do you hear people going into a new year with a positive attitude--like every other nano second! But this year I like the chutzpah surrounding some of us.... Here's the deal, I was talking in a few different conversations with various friends we talked about life and what we wanted different from this new year.

And the common theme, which I found shocking both because 

A) Most won't admit this (at least out loud)

and

B) The vulnerability of it

was....drum roll please--our relationships!

Some of the friends in a relationship want them stronger, safer, a bit more solid. 

Those of us not in one admitted (out loud!)  we may want one..  What-the-What?!?

KIDDING! JUST kidding!!

But up until now I would've just laughed it off because here's the god's honest truth I don't necessarily need a relationship ( I may want one now. But that's different than needing...but I digress). 

I rather like myself alone.  Independent. I can do my own thing.  Be my own girl. Travel where I want to. Stay in pj's all weekend if I want to. Watch every Housewives of  any city I ever want to with no one saying otherwise....

BUT since these conversations were open and honest and with people I trusted we started talking openly about our best (and worst) relationships and I got a laugh when I admitted that my favorite one had been long distance... (kind of telling I guess).  BUT it was true!

First off he was a blast.  Second off he let me be me.

He lived in Los Angeles and I lived in Miami and we dated for over six months. And they were  six awesome months. Still makes me smile. 

I mean he had the ability from across the country to let me be my own independent self. And never did he have an ounce of doubt or mistrust. Never. That kind of self belief is AmAzInG---AND rare (trust me!). It was like having the best of both worlds. I had a boyfriend that I would spend time with, eat dinner with, talk about our days with, (albeit via webcam) and I had my very independent life too.

Now don't misunderstand, I'm not reminiscing over an old flame wishing something were that isn't. Not at all. What I realized is it wasn't the person that was my favorite at all. It was the kind of person he let me be while I was in the relationship. It was the relationship I liked the most, that I realized was my favorite, not the person who'd been in the relationship with me ironically. 

But I'm not 30 anymore, and while I actually think I would be fine long distance. Let me correct myself-- I know I would -- but it pointed out the obvious to me and to my friends who had, had similar relationships...that relationships, men like this, are one in a million. To find a man in today's world who's both secure enough in himself to handle a relationship much less an across country one.  But then to make you feel like at no time are you begging for attention. Yeah, like I said, rare.

So what we all discussed was how hard it was to get out and find that, "Mr. Oh Yeah I Dig You!"  instead of, "Mr. Eh You'll Do For Now."  it's confusing... and sadly men don't want just a woman who's independent and her own girl. They want a woman who chases them

--This happens a lot apparently--who knew?!?

Ladies this is horrible that not only they expect this but who started this trend?!?  If it's an equal chase I'm fine. But chasing a man until conditioning him that, that's what ALL women do? That's just wrong. BUT at the same time they expect us to chase them a woman can play this game of stopping and letting him (and I quote) 'swoop in' <--this comes from a few guys I talked to. So sorry guys, your buddies rat you out when they're alone with a girl...  In a nutshell it's still the game it was back in high school. Only we're older and with more issues. 

So our little Sex and the City conversation evolved with well we can do one of two things we can either think we had to be this hollywood created version of the girl that does the cat and mouse game. OR we can be our own person. Be our own girl and keep on keeping on until the man who doesn't want us to change one bit comes along. The man who will let you be your own independent self whether you live right next door or across the universe from him. The man who's not scared when you call him because you wanted to talk and didn't feel like waiting for him to call. The man who wants the girl who goes out on her own for a weekend with her friends. The man who's secure enough to know that past issues don't mean a forever problem. A man who just lets you be. Period.  

The truth is each and every one of these girls I know is very secure in herself. Had her list of things to do in 2013 about improving herself. Learning something new. Pushing her own boundaries. It just so happened to include wanting to share this crazy life with someone too. Like I said, who knew?!?!

#SexandtheCity #2013 #relationships #independent #Los Angeles #Miami

[onlyamy]

New Years Goals... (gag. gag. gag.)

 So I was kinda hoping the Mayan's might be on to something so I didn't have to go into a new year with new resolutions and well that didn't work out so well (dang Mayan's).

I'll be the FIRST to say I try NOT to set resolutions that have me stopping something. I usually try to make a list of things I want to do for the first time, or good habits I want to pick up. <--I've never been one motivated by 'don't do. negative' hanging over my head. It only makes me want to do it more. I say I can't eat as many sweets it's like I try to rebel against myself and find myself in the kitchen eating cookies for breakfast. I'm awesome that way--I can even piss myself off by doing what I'm not supposed to do! 

BUT I'll also be the first to admit the last few years or so I've even fallen short of my good goals/fun new things to try list. Why? Maybe I'm not challenged by it anymore? Maybe because the last few years have been oh so ripe with not so good things I've just thrown my hands up and said, 'Eh. F-it. Next Year'?  So when I came across the following from Melody Beattie, I kind of liked it, kind of a twist on what I used to do but with a bit more accountability and let's face it we as people need accountability and the person that should come from first is you-ah. So here's what she said;

"Make New Year's goals. Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come.

Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction.

What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to attract into your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?

What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life?

What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career?

Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go.

The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals."

- Melody Beattie

So I did it. I sat down. Wrote it down. Should probably put it on a sticky note hanging in every room of my house if I know me at all, screen saver~ book place saver~ wake up alarm reminder...you get the picture. But I thought, if there's one way to go into a new year it's to go into a new year really meaning you want change. Last year I did start that way and actually was surprised to look back to see some of that growth (albeit small) but I hardly put my mind to it. So this year--THIS YEAR--the mind is being put to it. Here we go.....

World you have been warned *wink *wink <--not really if you know me at all you'll know this warning is pretty warranted.....

#New Years Resolutions #2013 #Calvin &amp; Hobbes #glitter

[onlyamy]

Here's to 2013...

Here's to a new year of never being forgotten...

#2013 #New Year #Glitter #Girl #Never Forgotten

[onlyamy]

They Say It's Your Birthday.....

Make. A. Wish.

I sat to write a positive birthday post.

A rah-rah-rah, it's a new year, birthday post. A, 'This is the list of things I plan to accomplish this year' <---I still have that list. 

But as I get ready to go into this new year, while I'm still positive--do not get me wrong. I am also humble beyond belief at what this gift of another year is.

I go into this year with the awareness of the frailty of a parent's changing health. And realizing even as an adult you might still be too young to think about a parent not being there. Because this crosses your mind as you go from 'child' to 'caretaker'.

The awareness that the economy has kept so many like me in a spot of temp-to-hire instead a working part of an amazing team. When that's all we're dying to be.

The awareness that life is short.

That people change--some will stay--some will go-- and the ones that do either of those things sometimes will leave you picking your jaw up off of the floor because they'll behave the opposite of what you thought. Staying when you thought for sure they'd be the Ghost of Christmas Past. Leaving when you thought they'd be the one you grow old with. 

So what do you do when you find yourself in the midst of transition? What do you do when all of your songs, blog posts, phone calls, letters reflect that clearly this is a time that has brought a lot of seriousness to the table and made you the most Eeyore version of yourself? 

You pick your chin up.

You tell the naysayers to go naysay somewhere else. --You don't need them (and besides you're kind of amazing that way. You're oh-so-positive and your own worst critic all in one).

You write your positive list of things to do/change/accomplish this year and then you blow out the candles. Because truly life IS to short. It is SO fragile. Enjoy it.

You wear sequins in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day if you want to.

You listen to that old 80's hairband (cough, cough--Stryper) a little TOO LOUD so that when you pull in the parking lot people turn and stare.

You help a stranger.

You remember to not live the length of life--You live the width of it too.

You take care to call the people you care about. You can put it off until tomorrow until tomorrow's not there <--so just stop putting it off and enjoy them, enjoy being in the moment. 

You do not judge others. No one is perfect. And no one is you. And the irony you find as you stop judging OTHERS less you start to enjoy YOU more. Because when you judge others you're really judging a part of you that you don't like that you see in them.

You say bring it. Bring on another year.

I.

Am.

Ready.

#80's Hairband #Be kind #Call #Family #Happy Birthday #Help #Live the width of life #Make A Wish #Stryper #Friend

[onlyamy]

Until....

Oh, now we all know I'm an admitted Meg Ryan fan. Love, love, love her. Love, love, love her movies. Whatever. Don't judge. She's not Hollywood's darling without reason. I got sucked into the Kate & Leopold marathon today and went to put a totally different quote and this part of the script came up from the end of the movie and I loved it more. I loved how it made me feel like I was reading a hidden poem from someone lovely like Frost or Cummings. Or maybe I was just caught up in the feel good day. Either way I loved it. Made me smile. And a Sunday should always end on a smile... Don't you think?

~UNTIL;

If I caught the world in a bottle And everything was still beneath the moon Without your love, would it shine for me? If I was as smart as Aristotle And understood the rings around the moon What would it all matter if you didn't love me? Here in your arms where the world's impossibly still With a million dreams to fulfill And a matter of moments until the dancing ends Here in your arms when everything seems to be clear Not a solitary thing would I fear Except when this moment comes near the dancing's end If I caught the world in an hourglass Saddled up the moon so we could ride Until the stars grew dim Until... One day you'll meet a stranger And all the noise is silenced in the room You'll feel that you're close to some mystery In the moonlight and everything shatters You feel as if you've known her all your life The world's oldest lesson in history Here in your arms where the world's impossibly still With a million dreams to fulfill And a matter of moments until the dancing ends Here in your arms when everything seems to be clear Not a solitary thing do I fear Except when this moment comes near the dancing's end Oh, if I caught the world in an hourglass Saddled up the moon and we would ride Until the stars grew dim Until the time that time stands still Until... {Kate & Leopold}

#Movie quote #Kate &amp; Leopold #Meg Ryan #Robert Frost #E.E. Cummings

[onlyamy]

HOME

Sometimes you just feel something pull you. 

A picture. A person. A place. A song.

Many things can grab at your little spirit and make it swell.

Maybe it's my life right now...I mean it has been a tough year or so.T-O-U-G-H. I have been chewed up & spit out, metaphorically speaking, more times than I might want to admit...

And my biggest flaw (if you want to call it that) is when I fall down--when things have fallen down-- I jump up  so quickly in order that no one around me sees that I've fallen that I sometimes make it worse..Fall down even harder because i've no balance yet to right myself.Maybe a hurt on the inside that I never let heal because I've jumped right back into action and should've just sat still for a second. Or if they happen to have seen me fall that maybe by me jumping up and into action so quickly maybe makes them think I wasn't affected by it, that I'm not hurt. That need to probably sit still and be silent is there, but in order to do that I might have to admit to myself more than anyone else I just don't know what is coming or what to do next...

Maybe it's the emotions that have been pouring through me about my life, my family...

Maybe it's some people I want to hold on to and some people I know I need to let go of....

Who knows? 

But I heard this song and I know it's just what my heart needs to hear...

That I'm not alone.

That's what any of us need, right? To feel like we're not alone.

That when we're in a crazy transition, when life can isolate us and make us feel spent. When our heart is just needing a little bit of validation.

When we need to know someone just gets it.

Gets us.

 I love a line in this song 'Home' for that very reason. Makes me feel a little stir that someone has felt this way before.  The line is this: 'Settle down, it'll all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down,if you get lost, you can always be found...'

Always.

Always be found.

Just trust. I've put the rest of the lyrics below not because they're tragically complex or anything like that. But because I know that it's not easy out there on your own. Because a song can convey emotion so much more than a little blog post. And surely I'm not the only one out there who needs to hear these little words of wisdom....

Hold on, to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road And although this wave is stringing us along Just know you’re not alone Cause I’m going to make this place your home Settle down, it'll all be clear Don't pay no mind to the demons They fill you with fear The trouble it might drag you down If you get lost, you can always be found Just know you’re not alone Cause I’m going to make this place your home.....

#Phillip Phillips #Home #Fallen #holding on #Letting go

[onlyamy]

Definition of a Single Girl (?)

There seems to me 2 types of "single girl" images in our society today. Now as I say that I'm not saying it's A) Right or B) Something we haven't as women done to ourselves. I think maybe this is just a natural evolution of single women trying to figure out where we fit in. That explanation out of the way the 2 types I think there are, or that we're being told there are:

1) Joan of Arc Type; The girl who goes running through her life like she's on a war path about being single and men are the devil incarnate. 

or

2) Weak-Kneed Sally; The girl who's so in love with love she's watching The Notebook for the 3,405 time even though she could technically tell you it by heart and she's reading every cosmo article and taking every online quiz regarding, 'How to meet THE ONE'.

I have to confess which one I am.......

Neither.

Truly.

I'm not either.

So that means there's really THREE types (if not more) so then why does it seem the only ones we're hearing about are the two above?!?

I only have come to realize the above after it kind of jogged my attention a few months back when one of my fav women I followed on Twitter, who before had just given fun, empowerment messages about being your own girl (which by the way I am and love that way of thinking) and such, switched and switched in an angry way. Gradually her posts went from empowerment & you're an amazing girl don't you forget it, to very almost  angst & angry like. Kind of like the single girl men might be afraid to be set up with on a date because if he does anything like even pull out a chair he'll get a lecture about how she can do that for herself. Seriously, I'm not exaggerating this at all and it actually really (REALLY) began to rub me the wrong way. So much so I stopped following this person. I thought you know I may not feel like I'm "missing" something by not being in a relationship and I may not be combing the singles websites to find a date--but I do not think that men as a whole have done anything that should make us this angry... bad, bad, bad representation of women for sure!

I started thinking after that at what point did we as 'Single Women' begin to see ourselves as this warrior, and not warrior in a good way. Warrior in a take no prisoners, men suck kind of way. Now, I joke with my girls, like any girl would after a guy maybe has done her wrong--we'll laugh, maybe call him a few names of the fowl kind but it's nothing more than that...and usually we're all of the same mindset...okay it happened, move on. BUT move on without letting it turn you into an angry young woman or this wounded soul. The overall impression I keep getting from these Joan of Arc type posts is men are bad, You're AMAZING on your own so why on earth would you need a man period!?!? And then the image is further made worse that if you felt this empowerment as this Joan of Arc should you feel guilty if you meet someone and no longer feel this angry young woman bit? 

This is where I reference what I said before; I'm not the girl who feels like she needs a guy. I don't. I've been told before by guys I date in fact it's weird how comfortable I am with or without them being in the picture. BUT, that being said I don't think it makes me weak if I decide, even after all I've been through (and truuuuust me I've been through A LOT) with men that if I want one around it makes me less of a fearless female.

Why are we as single women putting us in a spot where the only options are Joan of Arc or Weak-Kneed Sally persona? Why can't we be both strong AND okay with meeting someone? Or not meeting someone but not having that fueled by anger? It just seems to me an interesting spot we've wedged ourselves into. There's got to be a way to make a girl who doesn't feel good about being alone change that way of thought and feel empowered...just like there has to be a way that the girl who feels anger over what has happened to her by men/in relationships not let it consume her. Not let it change her. We've enough to be angry about that are REAL issues. 

The reality is both of us, both men and women behave and do things to the other that are not always on the up and up. And I'm all for a girl believing in herself and herself alone. But I don't believe in doing it at the expense of others.  We came along fresh out of the women's independent movement of the 60's and 70's---that's really not that long ago. I get why we're still trying to adjust, find a place for us, figure it all out...I just hope we realize we've a long way to go. That it's okay to be you without all of this other stuff.

No Joan of Arc.

No Weak-Kneed Sally.

 Just you in all your AmAzInGnEsS.

Period.

#Single Girl #Joan of Arc #The Notebook #Love #The One #cosmopolitan #Twitter

[onlyamy]

Grace

                                         -- Question; "How we can lovingly accept that an answer to what we ask for is NO?" 

This question is all about what point of view we like to view answers from. Getting a "No" or "being rejected" is just a certain take on a situation. 

  The reality is we are simply getting feedback as we filter our way through this energetic Universe. 

We all know that like attracts like. 

I have personally chosen to interpret the "no's" in my life (and there have been PLENTY), not as "no's", but as "not yet's" from the universe. 

When we get caught up in the specific form our dreams and the things we want, we can miss the miracle. I'm not saying the form isn't important, and I am also not condoning misinterpreting a potential romantic's firm "no" as anything other than a no. Sometimes a no, means no - FROM THAT PERSON. 

But not from The Universe. 

Let us remember Grace. Grace is the YES of the Universe in our lives. But we have a limited perspective, so many times the things we think we want aren't what we need at all. So getting a "no" from someone or something that we REALLY REALLY REALLY want is always a part of a larger YES from the universe (though we can't always see it). 

The key is this: to interpret rejection and not getting what you want as GRACE. See it as a part of a larger YES from the universe that is still unfolding. Don't let the opinion of one person become your opinion of yourself. 

Remember: a delay is not a denial.

We are being groomed, prepared and polished so that when we do get what our heart's desire, we have the capacity to not only see that this is what we've been asking for, but that we have the capacity, courage and humility to RECEIVE and SAY YES to what we've been asking for. 

The heart yearns for things the mind doesn't always understand.

But, so even though we do not always know exactly who or what we are asking for, the universe does and It is constantly working on our behalf to help us remove the blocks that are within to love, to joy and to abundance. If all our inner blocks were removed, we would be able to receive what our hearts desire NOW, but many times we have so much internal resistance within us that we keep the good out. 

So, interpret the no's from people in your life as a part of a larger YES from the universe. Detach from the form it comes in and be receptive to the subtle messages and guidance you receive daily. CHOOSE to interpret those rejection moments as GRACE. 

As one of my favorite poet's Rumi says, "If you're bothered by every rub, how will you ever be polished?" 

---The Daily Love; by Mastin Kipp

#The Daily Love #Mastin Kipp #Grace #Rejection #Universe #Rumi

[onlyamy]

Regret

I've been having this run through my head the last few weeks. I've had to realize that this age, this thirty something girl age, isn't all fun and flirty and without thought.

I mean, don't get me wrong --it is fun and it can be WAY flirty and a heck of a good time quite frankly...

But, this thirty something age starts to also bring about an awareness.

Starts to make you/it less hard at forgiving~ more understanding we all have our own demons to fight.

Starts to make you more you~ less what you thought your were going to be and it takes a load off when you realize you're not the only one who feels that way.

Starts to make you realize you're getting older~ that you're now thinking as a caretaker for people instead of the roles reversed.

You think more.

Forgive more.

Love more.

Laugh more.

Care less A LOT more<--in a good, self assured, doesn't matter, because I'm confident and know who I am kind of way.

But you regret.

You regret a lot.

You regret being so wild and crazy in your 20's --okay maybe you don't regret that, but there are somethings I did because of being so good at being 20 I regret...

You regret that maybe your life isn't where you thought it would be

--you're not who you thought you would be--much less where you would be.

Life just isn't what you thought.

There's also a freedom that comes with this self awareness.

This appreciation of who you are---and who you're not.

 But you do start to have the conversations, kinda like that old Bruce Springsteen 'Glory Days' song about what used to be and what is.... and it's kind of funny what people always say. What their biggest regrets are.

Read below, these were answers given in a study of the top 5 regrets given by people on their deathbeds of things they wish they'd handled differently in their lives.

See any you relate to?

See any that you think--yeah, maybe that might be me some day?

Maybe you're in a spot where change is seen as a freeing thing that brings a smile to your heart.

Maybe you're not...change can be very scary and there are a lot who are still living their life like they're  Peter Pan and answer to no one.

If that's the case may you know someday you have someone around you who probably has stopped and asked themselves these questions and you can go and sit with them....talk with them.

I think the point of a conversation like this is to bring an awareness. Bring us together. Make you maybe not have to regret one day--after all you're still in a place where you can change the direction and do something about it. *Insert big smile here to that one*

  The Top 5 Regrets People Say Aloud On Their Deathbed;

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient asked. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But  most were men they deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

 Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content.

#Bruce Springsteen #Glory Days #Live #Love #Regret #forgive #Live the width of life #Top five regrets of people #thirty-something #Peter Pan

[onlyamy]

Ask Me Yesterday....

Looking back to long ago, back when I was young enough to know...

That's when I had the answers.  That's when I had enough.

That's when I held tomorrow in the palm of my hand...

So ask me yesterday, when my heart was wild... I threw it to the wind with a reckless smile.

And I had all the moves. And I knew just what to say.

So, ask me anything at all, but ask me yesterday..........

Tom Keifer, ~Ask Me Yesterday

#Tom Keifer #Yesterday #The innocence of youth

[onlyamy]

(Don't Look Closely)

                            *Objects In Mirror May Be Less Brave Than They Appear*

How many times in a day/week/month/year do you put on that brave face?

That never let them see you sweat demeanor?

That, I will drop before I say I'm not okay shield?

Never? Oh, now come on you can admit it to me...sometimes I find that it's easier to admit it to someone else than it is ourselves. Maybe I shouldn't speak for everyone. So I'll say for me; I am usually the last one to admit it to myself.

I wear the brave face.

I put on the, 'Never let them see you sweat demeanor.'

I have the, 'I will drop before I admit I'm not okay' shield.

Totally. I am the worst at admitting I might have made a bad choice. Or I need you. Or your help <---that's the worst. I don't know about you but me saying to someone I think I need your help hurts me more than an actual wound. 

What I am realizing is I am only as strong as the army that stands behind me. Well, let me rephrase that, I am able to be my most confident self because, and I realized this when going through a trying time, I've an army of people standing behind me who believe in me. When you have that. When you have people who believe there's nothing you can't do and they've got your back, it's quite amazing actually how much strength you gather from that. Don't get me wrong, in the end if you have others who believe in you but you do not all of that army's strength won't amount to a hill of beans. But if you use it to push what you have inside of you to it's farthest breaking point. You find you're far more willing to climb out on that farthest limb of that tallest tree.

If you had looked closely at me lately; peeked in when I wasn't paying attention to the quietest, darkest side of me you would not have seen the me I was presenting to the world. I'm good at this. My tell; if I say I'm fine too much you know I'm not. It was humbling to have to open up to some to say I might need them. May not know if I can do some of the things I might have coming down my road on my own. It wasn't just humbling it was HARD. So hard for me. But the relief when I stopped and realized that the reason I wanted to turn to them. Talk to them. Was because the reason I'd always felt like I could literally go out and grab  the world by the neck was because, yes, I had my own self belief. But I had an army standing behind me not only saying yes you can--but saying, of course you can --if anyone can do it you can. That realization. That belief. That army standing behind me gives me the courage even when I may not have it.

How many times in your life have you hidden the fact that you're afraid? Hidden it so much so that even you don't know what's going on? Is it a normal reaction? For some. For others not so much. I think it's a balance to strike. The fine line of knowing when to push past the fear on your own, and when to lean on the army that stands behind you. 

A balance that's not always easy to strike, but once it has been there is no stopping you.... period.

#Introspective #LookInside #mirror #army

[onlyamy]

Can Women and Men JUST Be Friends???

Just friends.

Think about those two words together and then immediately hear the speech that is given in 'When Harry Met Sally' when Harry is telling Sally it's impossible for men and women to JUST be friends. 

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally: Why not? Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: You only think you do. Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: How do you know? Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry: Guess not. Harry runs into her later and says he never meant that---that there's an exception to the rule. You can be friends if you are dating or involved with other people.... at which point they become friends. And maybe this is a horrible example because we all know how this movie ends and they end up together thus proving Harry's point in the first place.  BUT this is a movie and I actually think there are a few very valid points here against Harry's theory. I actually do think men and women can be friends. I say that because I have many. I actually have a few who I dated first and then we became friends. Not always possible. But as one of them who I was talking to the other day about this very issue said to me; 'Amy, here's the deal. I've never seen anyone be able to do that but you. It's who you are. So I'm not surprised you're trying to forge a friendship'. <--trick is it ain't easy kids....try getting the guy you used to let woo you to believe you 'JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS' and he's thinking he probably has a better chance of buying swamp land in Alaska.  I actually think it's a fine line to walk--the older you get the trickier these friendships do become.  But half the reason I like having male friends is they really do offer the other opinion. I will never pretend to be able to think like a guy and why would I try? So I just go straight to the source. Plus, with the dating issue above mentioned--maybe you realize you two can't happen dating wise for whatever reason or season. But he's not a bad guy, in fact you kind of quite like him so why would you not be friends then? It's a natural step in the grand scheme of things. I think that we've had it drilled in our heads that it's not easy. Like Harry said, that one always wants something romantic. But truth be told that's not always the case, and since I can count on one hand guys that I've dated and not stayed friends with I'm thinking I'm proving that theory all kinds of wrong. Here's the deal at least from my little point of view; I think at the end of the day we're all just complicated humans. And if you're lucky enough to find someone you can call friend. True, genuine, lovely, friend. Then whether or not they're the opposite sex is moot. They're a friend--and as you and I both know true friends are extremely hard to come by.

The other side of this coin is being friends first can lead to the being more than friends later. There is SO MUCH TRUTH to the old adage; 'Being Friends First Gives You More To Stand On Later'~ it's true. If your concrete base is friendship you're SO much better off. Friends have substance. You can have faith and trust in a friend. You can weather a storm with someone who's not just romantically inclined to you. Because being attracted to someone only goes so far. <--I mean do not get me wrong I'm all about the being attracted part (*wink, wink, insert smile here).

BUT, I am all about the being friends part. You truly can fall in love with a person for who they are and you CAN fall for someone for what they look like. But the one that has the strongest staying power is the one who looked at you as a friend first. Said to you, I am your friend first and foremost. Because life gets hairy sometimes. It takes your emotions and beats them up against the cliffs like the ocean waves in a storm. And someone who you've only a physical attraction to can't sustain that kind of weather. It's hard enough to do that having the friendship platform first but it is the only thing that will survive it for sure. And trust me the being attracted to a friend is such a different and cooler relationship than anything else. But this is a whole other egg to scramble I'll leave for another post. 

For now....

Be a friend first.

Period.

Don't mess this up and make it more complicated than it has to be.

Leave all the complicated stuff of, Men & Women can't be friends to the movies....                           

#When Harry Met Sally #Women #Men #Just Friends #Dating #relationships

[onlyamy]

*Censorship

I had someone ask me when I first started this blog what my intentions were. Initially it was to take someone through a day, week, month, ~ year in the life of a 30-Something Single Girl (which by the way is how I see myself. I still can't believe I'm old enough to be called a woman) <--that was a truly UNcensored thought.

That was this person's next question. How do you intend to do that? I mean if you're completely honest. COMPLETELY honest. That's exposing an awful lot of truth out there. They smiled and finished with saying, I don't know if I could do it. 

Truth be told I didn't know if I could either. And I said as much to them back. I said well for the sake of everyone around me I won't use real names and in fact in most cases will flip things around entirely so as to preserve the anonymity of all those involved. Quite frankly the anonymity of myself. So I've done things like flip sexes made guys girls and vise versa. I've made me a 'friend' and I've made a friend, well you get the idea--me.  It's been still a soul baring experience. Especially considering in the last two years I've been at a very vulnerable place--this blog has seen me through a 2 year lay off, a shedding of a former life and a shedding of a relationship. All very raw and way to real. It wasn't until recently that I had some life experiences happen that I just couldn't bring myself to write about that I recalled the conversation mentioned at the beginning.   

  I guess she's right. I guess there are just some things that you can't be completely honest about. Can't completely bare your soul about because if you always share everything you're going through you lose something. You lose that part of yourself that does crave keeping it close to the vest pocket. You lose something in the translation sometimes when you can't tell it exactly how it happened and you make it less authentic--less you. Maybe? *shrug* I don't know. I know that there are somethings I've not been able to, as I call it, go all Taylor Swift on people and tell, tell, tell. I've censored myself. I have so censored my thoughts and quite frankly I think that while censorship by government isn't necessarily in the best interest. I highly kind of love the freedom of speech idea <--insert impish smile here. I do think there's something to censoring ones own thoughts when being a writer of any kind. Be it a storyteller or musician--these thoughts, while therapeutic for the writer,most often puts them in a precarious spot of telling too much.

But as for me, sometimes a censored thought has saved me having to explain and apologize for putting someone else's thoughts and privacy out there for others to read about. It's challenged me as a writer. To speak the truth and to share what's going on in my world but in a way that still is what I wanted this blog to be about but not so much so that I leave John Mayers' in my wake. <--another reference to my going 'All Taylor Swift' on you.

So now you know my secrets. But here's the deal, I'm going through some things that I just may end up putting on here. In all of their ugly glory because it may just help some other 30-Something gal out there... It may not be easy and it may not be pretty. But it will hold true to all things I wanted about this that this blog is a piece of me. A day in the life. Sometimes censored. Sometimes not. Always the real deal.

#censorship #life #30 Something #Honesty #Taylor Swift #John Mayer #Truth #writer #musician

[onlyamy]

Crazy. Stupid. Love.

                  Crazy; adjective 

1. mentally deranged; demented; insane.

 2. senseless;impractical;totally unsound. 

3. Informal,intensely enthusiastic;passionately excited

Stupid; adjective

1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull

2.Characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness;foolish; senseless 

Love; noun, verb

1. a profoundly tender,passionate affection for another person.

2.A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection 3. sexual passion or desire.

Here’s the thing about the above words; the first two accurately describe the last—you really do need crazy, stupid in front of love—-at least initially—and definitely in the hard times. Because here’s the thing about loving someone—and having someone of quality love you back—-IT’S. NOT. EASY.

In other words, you have to have a little insanity to make the situation work. If we were sane about the initial process—weren’t afraid, didn’t have a little crazy we wouldn’t have what it takes to work through the fear. Only Crazy and Stupid can work through fear. They are not afraid. They are literally—crazy and stupid.  These things God was smart to attach to the initial feeling of love. Because it allows you to plow through. Allows you to fall. Allows you to open up and go blindly into a situation that if you didn’t have blinders on would allow you to see just how scary this whole loving someone really is and we would all——stop. dead. in. our.tracks. 

No one wants to be afraid. No one wants to be vulnerable. No one wants to hear the God’s honest truth about what you’re about to do—which is you don’t just get to love someone during the good/happy/fun times. You get to love them during that, yes it’s true. But you get to love them during the sucky, angry, disappointed, stressed out over: work, kids, MONEY, life times. And the stupid, crazy part is what allows you to almost get through that. Those 2 words allow you to love someone SO MUCH & do that first—-so that it’s almost like a painkiller on reserve. By the time you come back to reality—it’s to late. You love them.

You can’t just say, Nah, I think I only want you when you say what I want to hear. I only want to love you when life is good. And I am happy. And I am confident. And you are not telling me to acknowledge I messed up or didn’t hear you or didn’t behave kindly. See those two words allow you to drop anchor when you feel those last mentioned thoughts…allow you to say, I may not like what this feels like—but dang, that crazy, stupid way you made me smile, and my heart skip when we first met—that, that I like. So that is what got me into this and that is where we will work back to.

There’s a saying I read recently; ‘They didn’t agree on much. In fact they hardly agreed on anything. They fought all of the time and challenged each other every day. BUT in spite of their differences they had one important thing in common; they were crazy about each other.’

Now I don’t know if I agree with all of that entirely—but I will tell you that during the hard, day to day part of life those sentiments ring well and true. Because you will have that. You will have that challenge—that don’t agree spot. And it may cause you to think I just don’t want to talk to this person. But if you have one thing—you’re crazy about each other—it’s your anchor—it’s your pull through cord to the other side.  And funny how there’s that crazy word again. Its just true.

You can’t have love attached to anything else. Crazy. Stupid. It’s like God’s way of doing to relationships what a child’s love does years later to the pain of childbirth—It makes you forget. Makes you remember the good because you need it to keep you sane to outweigh the bad. Sanity and Insanity holding hands in a true juxtaposition of love and life.  Do you ever think that years into a relationship people look back and say, Yeah I LOVED the bad?  No. Crazy/Stupid has them remember what they needed to out of the bad. Has them learn how to love each other better stronger, harder so they can pull through to the other side of insanity to make it. 

Crazy Stupid Love? Maybe? Definitely.

#repeat #crazy #stupid #love #bears repeating