#-i think of the psych ward as the place i want to go and thats rly bad fjfldl thats rly rly bad that that is what my brain wants

[magnoliamyrrh]

i think that whole "never felt safe growing up and most of my life" thing did real damage to my psyche lmao

#......... whole damn childhood of not feeling safe. i think... the one place i can even think of where i was truly comfortable was my aunts #house. and id see her rarely and not get to stay w her that often/long... #.... apart from that?.... just constant fucking fear and wanting to escape and be left alone #... when i got older like middle high college id feel somewhat safe at friends houses. but i always dreaded having to go home #when i lived at college was... the first time i actually lived somewhere where i felt kinda safe and at home. but my parents made sure to #remind me that it wasnt my actual home lmaoo and that they could take it away at any moment #just like how after we moved from romania i had to hear all the time. while i was stuck in a foreign country as a kid. that my room isnt my #own nothing is my own i owe them everything privacy wasnt allowed etc etc #...... after college i lived w my partner in the ghetto. like shots outside 7+ times a day sorta ghetto. i literally felt safer and more #comfortable and vibing and chill than i did at home with my parents?? lmaoo jfc i actually miss it #apart from that... probably the second time i was in the psych ward lol #and after i come back from romania its gonna be months again of having to stay alone w my stepfather whose like. weirdly sexually attracted #to me and loud and agressive and it just. triggers me so fucking much. god. i hate all this. i hate all this #twenty two fucking years of knowing little else than fucking fear and loneliness. i just. want. to feel safe. #for fucking once #so often i just wanna curl up in a borrow and never come out. thats all i want. im so tired. im so tired of this

[teruthecreator]

trying so hard to be normal but i really don’t think i could survive going to the psych ward and i’m rlly like. bothered my siblings are pushing it so hard

#in neg city #they were rlly like ‘we can’t force you’ but then just kept fucking talking about it #even as i’m crying and saying no no i don’t want to go i’m not going i really don’t want to #and like. idk. when ur sister gets sent to the psych ward at a pivotal point in ur childhood #and that subsequent action adds onto the trauma u were already experiencing at that point like idk man! maybe going to the psych ward would #in fact be very very bad!!! #like any time i think abt the psych ward i think abt my sister one day just disappearing from the house. i think about when the doctors #withheld my letters and i thought my sister either hated me or was fucking dead. i think about having to hide all this agony behind polite #smiles while i was also being bullied mercilessly at school and my CHOIR TEACHER WAS DYING OF CANCER #i think abt the car ride when my aunt told me and my brother that she had to go back in #i think of empty houses and missing places at the dinner table and arguments and so many fucking arguments #i cant go into the psych ward i won’t. and it just felt like that’s all they wanted me to do #and then it became well michelle how do u want us to help u? LEAVE ME ALONE #THATS HOW U HELP. YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME FIGURE IT OUT #i get rlly overwhelmed and stressed when too many people are trying to butt their heads in #and i know they mean well but it just feels like they’re both gonna become mom and i’m not talking to mom for THIS EXACT REASON #idk i just don’t think they can help. i get that they’re rlly worried but i can’t let them help i don’t know what they could do #and they wanna talk about this again tomorrow so now i don’t wanna sleep bc i don’t want tomorrow to happen #but i don’t have anything to do bc i’m in such a terrible mood #i rlly wish i wasn’t alive sometimes #clearly i’m putting too much stress on my siblings and mom is probably worried sick but i’ll never kno bc we aren’t talking #i’m just ruining everyone’s life i rlly shouldn’t be on this planet anymore

[piplupod]

the brain better figure out a way to fix this shit real quick or idk what is going to happen honestly. i feel very sick

#counseling appt tomorrow (well today now lol.) and it is very hard for me to not ask to be put in psych ward #i would be free from spiders there. they would feed me meals. i would be given sleep meds #i would still be able to kill myself or hurt myself bc they're so shitty abt safeguarding things there but I'd at least have ppl around #i feel really sick and really awful #i just cannot stop having my heart pounding from anxiety and its been all day and I'm so tired #i dont want to do this anymore #i feel like im going to die from all this honestly even if i dont kill myself fjfkdl like this has to be taking a toll on the body #idk ! i would honestly go to psych ward tomorrow if i could but unfortunately my mother is an issue lmao #i hate that the ward feels like the safest place rn i hate that i dont have a safe home i hate this house I want out of here #im trapped and stuck and even if i filled out all the applications for everything possible tonight i would still be stuck here for weeks #at least weeks lmao its more likely months to even potentially like... 2+ years #and theres no way out !!!!! i dont know what to do. im very scared #sorry im just. really reaching the end of my rope and ik I've said that a lot lately but this isnt even pmdd rn #this is just me rn fjfldl no fucked up hormones at play #im very afraid and i feel very sick and i cannot sleep and i just feel like i want to go home and when i question myself on that- #-i think of the psych ward as the place i want to go and thats rly bad fjfldl thats rly rly bad that that is what my brain wants #okay I'll stop now sorry #i hope everyone else is doing okay fjfkdl i am glad ppl exist and live their lives and have ppl around them #it makes me very happy that other ppl are real and alive and are doing okay #idk . im tired. i hope i can sleep soon and i hope my heart stops acting up. i hope the holter monitor on thurs can get me help for this #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #suicide tw

[austinsastrology8991]

Uranus and why your life is a ShiT ShoW > URANUS IN Yer HOUSe <

Uranus in the FIrst - You are the most unpredictable little fuck-head that everyone loves. They always change > there clothes, there direction in life > their hair colour. they thrive in change unless you try to change them, they are the ones changing and dont you dare change them, thats all they have left ;( Uranus in the Second. - Crazy self esteem issues. these people think they are the greatest then the worst person, also same applies to their income because they dont think they are worth much, until they invest into bitcoin and think they will be the next warren buffet. honestly the only thing stable about you is the perception of your value changing. But they love change, something to look forward to i guess Uranus in the Third your brain and communication skills are kinda fucky you know that dont you. you always know how to say something shocking, and extremely good at changing the subject of a conversation, like you dont have to say much, but what you do say just made everyone go huh what the fuck you say? its amusing tho we appreciate you Uranus in the F4urth - Emotionally avoidant, dependent, and attached personalities. They cant make their mind up on how they feel, so they experiemnt with every feeling to see if they vibe with that. mum was probably very unpredictable, and they wanna be like her. they just trying their best to forgive her <3 Uranus in the Fifth - Okay this one is the genius. This one people actually think your onto something when your showing off because you break free of every social convention, and archetype, but in the most perfect way. everyone believes your special, and you can change the vibe of a room like dat Uranus in the Sixth - what a fkn mess your life is. I had this one friend who would have 10 different drinks in his room and he would drink each one sparingly (they were all warm too). he had some serious health issues, and lets not get into his mental health okay. but yall have crazy lives and you make it that way Uranus in the Seventh - Im not a player i just fuck a lot. they choose their partners based off how interesting they are, if you can satiate their curiosity you got em. but if your boring or not worth figuring out yeah g-bye. also they just come off strange so everyone is extremely curious. they get projected on a lot but they dont mind its a good way to find out something interesting lol Uranus in the Eighth - Freaks who will do anything.... and im not just talking about sex, if they want something they'll find any way to get it. masters of attainment, even if its probably not healthy for them, they don't care if they want it they get it. then the object of their fixation changes as soon as they do get it. they are like obsessed with 'progress' but its hard to call it that sometimes Uranus in the Ninth - Clever minds who are always skipping segments of a speech, or a video to find the juicy parts. They have very quick minds that are so easily bored, but if you talk to them, they'll never not have something interesting to talk about. also when change does occur its a LOt Uranus in the Tenth - why are yalll like this. just baffling people like they know how to make an entrance and when everyone starts loooking at them, they decide to make fun of everyone by doing something a lil bit too shocking, almosst making fun of you for looking at them. gets off on shocking ya Uranus in the Eleventh - They wanna change the world, but not in a way that is practical. until it is. They have a million friends because they have a knack for understanding people, but when you ask what they want or what scares them. it just makes you rethink why your even friends with them in the first place. 12 - your crazy. and its endearing but everyone is this close to calling the cops on you or locking you up in a psyche ward. maybe tone down your retardation. we all got something going on but you take it to a whole new level.

#astrology #astrology blog #astrology notes #astrology observations #astro community #astrology placements #astrology houses #house placements #uranus aspects #uranus #uranus through the houses

[astriodent]

hey, it's miu/nagisa now my name is clove. i want to explain my situation and why im an anti radqueer now. i dont want to debate, i just want to explain myself. i sent this to a radqueer blog as well.

it started when i made my first blog, @/transnpd. side note i think its silly that someone took my old url/pos. anyways, thats where it started. i was starting to go into an episode, and i had just discovered the rq community. i liked it, i felt like i related to some people. i was comp-c, and my main ids were transnarcolepsy and transnpd. i had delusions of being miu, but i tried to fight them at this point. people encouraged me, not mant people talked to me but i had a few supporters.

and now my second blog, @/purepunk and later @/puritypunks. this is where it got worse. people encouraged me and my delusions more and more, i had more and more supporters. during this era i mostly just coined things and made flags for them, i feel like most are lost to time though.

then the third blog, the big one, NAGISAISM (also nagisaisms and nagisa-ism) i was at the height of my multiple year long manic-psychotic episode. i had delusions of being a goddess, i refused to take my meds, and i was openly fucking PRO CONTACT. ew. and ALL of this was encouraged by my little cult (or im sorry "fult") following. i thought everyone loved me and i was famous, i could do anything i wanted, i was delusional and on top of the fuckin world. i loved it. but my mental health got worse and worse and worse. i got hospitalized at some point after getting fired for wearing radqueer pins after my supervisor asked me what they were and looked it up. i was MANAGING a place. i thought it was okay because of this community and my following who praised the gd ground i walked on. sure, you guys didnt MAKE me do it but you made me think it was OKAY.

the aftermath? well like i said i was hospitalized, put in the psych ward. i was given heavy doses of antipsychotics and bipolar medications, and slowly i started to see things clearly. im still transid, im still a paraphile, but im not the way i used to be about it, euggh even thinking about it makes me feel gross. anyways, yeah im an anti now

i'm so sorry that happened to you. radqueers will deliberately feed into people's delusions and won't take responsibility for it even though they know what they're doing is wrong.

i'm proud of you for changing and growing as a person. you will always be welcome on my blog.

i wish you well, and congrats on being able to leave the rq community.

#anti radqueer #tagging so other antis know

[radqueer-takes]

hey, it's miu/nagisa now my name is clove. i want to explain my situation and why im an anti radqueer now. i dont want to debate, i just want to explain myself.

it started when i made my first blog, @/transnpd. side note i think its silly that someone took my old url/pos. anyways, thats where it started. i was starting to go into an episode, and i had just discovered the rq community. i liked it, i felt like i related to some people. i was comp-c, and my main ids were transnarcolepsy and transnpd. i had delusions of being miu, but i tried to fight them at this point. people encouraged me, not mant people talked to me but i had a few supporters.

and now my second blog, @/purepunk and later @/puritypunks. this is where it got worse. people encouraged me and my delusions more and more, i had more and more supporters. during this era i mostly just coined things and made flags for them, i feel like most are lost to time though.

then the third blog, the big one, NAGISAISM (also nagisaisms and nagisa-ism) i was at the height of my multiple year long manic-psychotic episode. i had delusions of being a goddess, i refused to take my meds, and i was openly fucking PRO CONTACT. ew. and ALL of this was encouraged by my little cult (or im sorry "fult") following. i thought everyone loved me and i was famous, i could do anything i wanted, i was delusional and on top of the fuckin world. i loved it. but my mental health got worse and worse and worse. i got hospitalized at some point after getting fired for wearing radqueer pins after my supervisor asked me what they were and looked it up. i was MANAGING a place. i thought it was okay because of this community and my following who praised the gd ground i walked on. sure, you guys didnt MAKE me do it but you made me think it was OKAY.

the aftermath? well like i said i was hospitalized, put in the psych ward. i was given heavy doses of antipsychotics and bipolar medications, and slowly i started to see things clearly. im still transid, im still a paraphile, but im not the way i used go be, euggh even thinking about it makes me feel gross. i now go by clover, i have green hair and neopronouns and im pale as fuck. thank you for listening to me rant, i saw someone had my name in their mouth lmfao.

!

Disclaimer. The owners of this blog may not agree with the opinions submitted. Remain civil in the notes, please & thank you.

#<🕸> speaking #pro radqueer #pro rq 🌈🍓 #radqueer #radqueer community #rq safe #radqueer safe #rq community #rq 🌈🍓 #rqc🌈🍓

[slutdge]

Heavy subject matter under the cut im just not feeling well and need to get it out of my system

i used to constantly try to convince myself that my experiences with police brutality werent that trauamatizing but im glad i got over that, cause girlypop if you were slammed down on the ground, handcuffed and screamed at to stop resisting (all this during a mental health wellness check) despite yknow. being handcuffed face down on the ground while an officer was digging her knee into my spine so hard i couldnt stand up straight for over a week afterwards was, in fact, bad for your mental health. and this was only one of many instances. dont give these dumb fucking pigs any grace.

with that being said, i dont think ive expressed enough how much you will never feel safe after experiencing police brutality or mistreatment even if its just one time, whether its in your home or in public, you will never feel safe again anywhere because you know first hand they can do whatever they want and get away with it, and its something ive really been struggling to cope with lately now that im kinda drinking less off and on. like i dont know how to function knowing that that could happen again at any time no matter where i am and i couldnt do anything to stop it because even if you dont resist they still wont give you any kind of mercy, there is nothing you can do to snap them out of their fascist power trip because thats why they became cops in the first place. i dont know how to not live in fear and despair when cops are out there especially with the added factor that my abusive parents have on multiple occassions made false 911 calls that ive said i had a plan to kill myself so that i would be arrested and taken to the psych ward every time theyve suspected ive been getting too close to escaping from them and going no contact with them like i want to, even going as far to get a court order to have me arrested. idk i just dont know what to do anymore lol theres not a single thing in my life that isnt tainted with despair idk how im even alive still. sorry for the depressing incoherent late night thoughts, i hope yall are having a good night 🫀 it sounds silly cause its just tumblr but truly this blog is the only place i feel like i can freely express myself and i appreciate everyone who has taken the time to send me kind messages, more often than not thats the only positive thing ill experience in my day

#ptsd

[briarpatch-kids]

A lot of the people attacking Morg because they supposedly can't go anywhere without "violent screaming meltdowns" and thats somehow his fault for complaining about stairs, sure haven't ever mentioned the police even though the people I know who DO do that due to disability are constantly dealing with the cops because of that. I'd think "hey I don't want to get thrown in the psych ward for having my sensory issues triggered" would be a very real and very common issue when someone self harms and disrupts in places like the grocery store or movie theater. It's a legitimate "will my rights be respected" issue for people with those issues, and that's why they have to wear things like ear defenders to get in the door the same way I have to use my wheelchair to get in the door.

Hell, I don't have meltdowns in public because I'm fairly privileged when it comes to sensory issues and holding my shit together, and I've STILL had extensive interactions with law enforcement due to my mental health and violent self harm during meltdowns.

Anyways I think a lot of the people complaining are actually people who need accommodations to stay and be comfortable rather than to just get in the door. Doesn't mean they aren't important, just that getting in the building first is a priority.

#tay dont look #disabled drama

[cicadangel]

erm.! diary 12/4

hi i havent been online in a bit or written any diary entries recently bc well i was really depressed and then i just like forgot or whatever. but uhmmm life updates sorta/just how im doing right now.

i will start with the good news :-) i am not depressed! ive been feeling good pretty consistently for the past 2 weeks i think? ive been happy enough to be able to function normally and do all the stuff i need to do. also school swim started so i got to see my crush (the one i talked abt a bunch last year) and i actually need him so bad he's so fine i need him. not much has happened w him (in terms of moments or whatever) but it will soon trust!!!!!! also ive been feeling a bit more confident lately in terms of how i think guys percieve me so i hope maybe that will inspire me to make a move but probably not. oh well.

as for everything else. well. i have been having issues with that one bitch "friend" ofc hoping to hit her with a car sometime soon. but thats not rly new ig. i am kind of having issues too tho with one of my other friends bc he's being weird and annoying. recently hes been extremely sensitive abt just everything which is whatever except he won't tell me, he'll just get upset and try to get me to ask him if he's upset except i won't play that game ugghhhhh if u have a problem with me tell me bc i wont understand otherwise!!! i cannot possibly fathom what he's got wrong with him about me so im not even gonna try. if he wants to fix it he can use his words otherwise no bueno it is not happening!!!!

he's also been like. weird to me recently. we're in psychology class together and we're gonna be at the "abnormal behavior" unit soon (which is mental illnesses) and he keeps saying ohhhh we're almost at your unit we're almost there when it's like stop thats actually so annoying. i am abnormal and crazy but that's not ur place to say? i dont talk to my friends abt my mental illness struggles but i guess it is obvious there's smth wrong with me or whatever but it's just annoying. i will talk abt how im against involuntary commitment to psych wards and how sooooo many therapists only end up doing more harm than good and my problems with the whole mental health industry and the modern understanding of it bc it's smth im rly passionate abt, but he just brushes me off as if i dont have first hand experience with all of the terrible ways psychiatry and the mental health industry can fuck people up???? i also feel weird talking to him in general sometimes bc i know he'll bring me up to his therapist (because he constantly mentions it) and i feel like i cant talk to him bc he's gonna tell her and that just puts a weird strain on the relationship. like his therapist knows me, but just from his pov and that kinda weirds me out im ngl.

oh i also got in a fight w my mom today. actually we're still fighting. it was over something soooo insignificant but i got so overly angry like i always do and now im going to make it ruin the rest of my day because i am insufferable. she's just been really angering me lately also ive been feeling destructive which is complicated. i dont rly like the term "splitting" but it's def what ive been doing a lot lately. ugh. also i like dont know what to do with my bpd "diagnosis" it makes me angry and like i just have so many problems with it in so many ways REGARDLESS if i actually have it or whatever which i could talk abt for hours. in some ways it's nice to have a label for what ive been going through my whole life but in most ways i am like not too happy with the fact that ive been handed a disqualification from ever being upset again. if i am, it'll just be because im a crazy borderline! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. more on that whole mess later sorry

#diary

[cpunkwitch]

i dont like that i have to wait till the end of the month for my dentist appointment to finally fix the fucking pain i have all because my dentist got sick so they canceled all of my earlier appointments

the pain came back and kept waking me up when i tried to sleep, its hard to eat anything

when i first got there i told them the pain was bad and i wanted the tooth causing it to just be removed

instead they decided to clean it and give it a filling and that didnt fix shit

i came to you in pain to make the pain stop why are you prolonging my suffering

my parents literally think its got an infection thats making me sick its gotten so bad

coulda been avoided if the dentist fucking listened to me and removed the tooth in the first place but no now the appointment in going to at the end of the month is to remove my wisdom teeth instead

im fucking pissed off and in more pain

they literally talked about doing a root canal to remove the tooth thats causing the issue but didnt do it

why is it every doctor i visit for something, the dentist, the ppl at the psych ward etc, never actually help me fix my problem they either make it worse, tell me shit i already know or do something completely different from what i came for?

whats worse rn is my sister used some strongly scented shit, a lot of it, now its making my headache worse and making me feel sick. its fruity too yuck

i guess todays and angry day

#cass rants

[system-of-a-feather]

Kind of some sort of Riku Squared Blur mess at the moment, leaning a bit towards XIV by choice but, it's whatever, but a comic on dysphoria had come up on our feed and it made Riku think and now me(?) as well abut how long it's been since it even registered that we are ""female"" - like it really doesn't even click with us even when we are miss gendered or straight up called a woman. The only time I think it hits anyone is when the dysphoria itself is being Bad TM and suddenly its all that I we can think about and its like a really shitty intrusive thought; which it honestly might be cause 9/10 times I don't have an issue with thinking I'm a woman and even in the moment I don't think I'm a woman but its literally all I can think of but ANYWAYS

That was a tangent cause I fucking hate dysphoria; but it is really wild to think that two years ago Riku was entirely in their egg. Actually most of the system were in their denial egg except for Ray who was dying so badly that he - as primary gatekeeper - just put like 10 thick dissociative walls between him and anything relating to gender after getting the system back onto a track for paying attention to our body.

And like, following a year later I came back and took on the mantle as the gender King, voice, and the representative for our complex and painful gender issues cause honestly, I had the affinity and ability to feel negative emotions and handle it better than almost any other part in this system, and honestly - I mad respect Ray and I looked back there and Im like nah, I'm not gonna make the guy who soloed this and barely got out of it alive come onto the battle field unless I fucking have to

And its been fucking HELL. 2021 we were genuinely considering putting ourselves in a psych ward cause I was getting bad, but luckily we sorted the worst of that out with T and shit.

But honestly, it's kind of pretty nice to have the concept of us being "female" so foreign and distant that whenever it comes up we just raise an eyebrow like "ok you are a bit confused but OK lol".

I dunno, I'm intentionally not looking at the corner that will stab me cause right now its not appropriate to deal with that since we have a final to cram for along with other things and that thing will always be there for me cause I can't repress shit thats assigned to me, but it is kind of nice to be sitting at a resting place of being whatever gender it is that we experience.

We're not a woman, god no but also not a man. Maybe man-adjacent, maybe but *shrugs* who knows. Specifics and boxes are lame anyways but

Ugh anyways I'm gonna put this box away before I accidentally dive back into my usual realm of anger, annoyance and angst. I was sitting here trying to have a feel good Riku TM moment where I reflect on how far we've come and how the pain and shit was worth it - and yeah it is and shit, but this shits too potent for that healing feeling to last and overpower whats still here

Riku really wanted to do a healing ramble on this and I ended up out so I was like "you know what I can do it" but nah. I can't, go figure we have DID after all.

Anyways, I tried, thats what matters.

Thesis statement: It's pretty cool how far we've come and I'm pretty proud of what we've reaped off of my productive misery, but good god is it still fucking miserable jesus christ + I suck at trying to make happy bow tie posts. This just got harder and harder the less blurred with Riku I was

-Mostly XIV now

#alter: riku #alter: xiv #gender dysphoria #trans #transmasculine #transmasc #nonbinary #alter: riku squared

[pattonsfam-ily]

//ooc again but sorry can I just get like ,, a rundown on the characters + some basic plot points here ? this au seems so cool but I don't know where 2 start. also sorry for spam liking ur posts they r so silly I love them:)

don’t worry i don’t mind spam likes! anyway im not really sure how old anyone is at this point bc i took like a year+ break thinking i was done with all of it and i just can’t remember shit like that lmao they’re all like mid 20s but hey i remember the age differences & heights at least so i’ll say those ig (trigger warning for heavy topics like mental shit substance abuse unaliving/self harm & abuse) buckle in this is gonna be long af

so Logan Roman Virgil and Patton met in middle school. Lo Ro and V started dating shortly after Lo left his ab*sive ex boyfriend in high school. and Patton has always been a father figure to Virgil. when they graduated high school they all moved in together and Patton adopted Virgil despite their very small age difference (like 3 years i think). then a few years later Virgil’s older brother (by 4 years) Devin moved in with them and eventually Patton moved into his own place. Remus came back into Roman’s life at one point and stayed with them for a while but now he’s living with/dating Janus & Remy.

character descriptions:

Logan is the oldest in the LRV throuple. white. 5’10. gay/aroace spec. cis man. he/him. he went to college to become a teacher and was a substitute for a while. now he’s working at a science center and giving classes to toddlers/kids. he’s autistic and has a really rocky toxic relationship with his parents. they don’t approve of his relationship or his career choice (they wanted him to go to medical school like they did)

Roman is the second oldest. white. 5’10. bisexual. cis man. he/him. he got a drama/theater arts degree. he works at the local theater and acts in the plays they put on every now and then. he’s a recovering alcoholic with anger issues that lost his cousin/best friend to s*icide in high school. he has a great relationship with his parents. they’re really kind and completely accepting of him. he and his twin Remus have a younger sister named Reagan. i think she’s like 9 or 10 now?

Virgil is the youngest of the entire friend group/family. white. 5’4. gay/aroace spec. amab demiboy. he/they. he has some vague dysphoria/discomfort so he got mtf bottom surgery a little while ago. he tried to get a degree in art and child psychology i think?? he wanted to be an art therapist but he dropped out and now he’s a streamer/youtuber. he’s also autistic, diabetic, has ptsd, anxiety, depression, shitty immune system thats actually getting better with treatment, and he’s recovering from an ed. he has a great relationship with his mom & her gf and used to have a good one with his father but he was mostly an abusive asshole that went to prison and later killed himself bc he couldn’t handle all the guilt

Patton is older than those 3 but younger than Devin. white. 6’0. aroace spec. cis man. he/him. he was taken away from his shit parents & put into foster care at a really young age and eventually aged out of the system. he was never adopted. he got into lots of trouble throughout his life but some of what was discussed on here isn’t fully canon anymore. but anyway he got a degree for childcare management and opened his own daycare but eventually he sold it and now runs his own small crochet business.

Remus. same age as Roman obviously. white. 6’0. gay. cis man. he/him (but his pronouns might change). he didn’t go to college. he just makes tik toks showing off his oddities collections. he’s also an alcoholic & drug addict (he mostly just does hallucinogens now) with pica/eating issues and intrusive thoughts & extreme self harm tendencies so he’s been in and out of rehabs & psych wards his whole life. rocky relationship with his parents despite their support and used to have a rocky relationship with Roman but they’re mostly okay now. absolutely adores Reagan. will actually kill a man and/or die for his family.

Remy. little younger than Devin. white. 5’10 i think. gay. genderfluid. he/him. i cannot remember what degree(s) he has but doesn’t really matter now bc he’s a stripper by night barista by day lmao he probably also has an onlyfans but we haven’t talked about that lmao he’s a sort of recovering drug addict with suicidal tendencies & religious trauma. he also never takes his sunglasses off. they’re a security blanket/comfort item and they cover a scar his ex boyfriend gave him. his relationship with his family is awful. his parents abused him his whole life and his older sister holds it against him and treats him like shit now but she’s mostly been cut off.

Janus/Dee. year younger than Remy. korean/navajo. 5’7/5’8 idk. trans man. he/him. he’s taking testosterone & got top surgery but never got bottom surgery and never will. he went to college twice. first time for graphic design. second time was law school. he got a master of legal studies degree bc he doesn’t wanna be a lawyer. he just wanted to learn about the law. he’s a compulsive/chronic liar and very deceitful but mostly in a silly way. not 100% sure what his family life is like tbh but his relationship with his mom is strained in some way. but yeah his first languages are korean and diné. he learned english in high school.

now for my 2 main ocs:

Devin. oldest of everyone. white. 6’1. pan/aroace spec. cis man. he/him. he got a degree in computer science. he does a lot of different coding projects and once had a pc building business. but now he’s a streamer and in a band called DeCode with my other oc. he’s a recovering drug addict and has psychosis. he was married to Thomas but they got divorced a little while ago lol also has a great relationship with his mom/her gf and of course hates his father for the way he treated Virgil. he’s very protective of his baby (brother). he has and will fuck up anyone that hurts him.

Coda. a year older than Lo & Ro im pretty sure. black. 6’0. gay. cis man. he/him. he’s Virgil’s boyfriend outside his relationship with Lo and Ro but he’s completely monogamous. he got a degree in photography and art. he’s a tattoo artist & streamer and the other person in the band DeCode. (he met Devin Remy & Janus in college so thats how he met Virge). his birth parents kicked him out when he was 13 for being gay and was later adopted by two moms. he now has 3 siblings. two younger twins named Cole & Nevaeh and an older brother named Mason.

other random plot points i remember: Remy’s attempted suicide, Remy got Janus pregnant so he had an abortion around the time Remus joined the relationship, Coda got shot during an armed robbery at his tattoo shop, both Patton & Coda got back in contact with their birth parents for a short while, Virgil’s been abused both by a p•do and an ex boyfriend he had like 3 years ago.

other background ocs you’ll probably learn more about as they’re mentioned: Dante, Maeve (Devin’s girlfriend she/they), Jimmy & Noah (Coda’s best friends/coworkers), Ryan, Ximena, Aaliyah, Morgan (ngl tho he’s never been brought up again since the first time), and all the parents (pretty sure thats everyone?)

yeah thats a lot lmao lemme know if you need anything explained further/clarified or have any other questions!!

#ooc #LRVerse #info post #LRVerse info #suicide mention #sh tw #self harm mention #alcoholism mention tw #alcoholism tw #substance abuse tw #drug abuse tw #eating disorder tw #ed mention #disorded eating #violence mention #violence tw #abuse mention #abuse tw

[chronic-invisibility]

Tw for mental health issues and shit

I feel like i should maybe tell my parents i think i need to be hospitalized, im so so so depressed it’s not been this bad since 2019, maybe even since 2012/2013. But im terrified to go to the hospital, it was so awful when i was there in 2013 and obv it would be different bc i was in a pediatric ward and now i’d be in with adults, but it would be so awful. None of my usual routines and they’d try to make me eat food i either cant or wont eat bc a lot of food gives me gi issues and a lot of food i cant handle bc sensory issues. They’d probs put me on meds that either i’ve been on before and havent helped or meds that would give me more gi issues bc apparently thats just my thing now. I was trying to look up and see if theres anywhere that specifically does inpatient for autistic adults but mostly its just horror stories of how awful autistic people are treated and how bad and unprepared and unknowledgeable they are about autism, and im probably “not autistic enough” (which is bullshit bc thats not a thing) and most of the places that claim to be specialized autism treatment places use aba which just no. And our insurance is shitty and most places dont take our insurance so idk if anywhere would even be covered if i could find somewhere. I have relatively low support needs when i’m doing ok but i am really not doing ok now and im petrified that if i had a meltdown or smth theyd restrain me or throw me in isolation or worse. But the idea of being in a regular psych hospital is too scary bc id just have to mask so hard the whole time and id still be treated poorly and invalidated and forced to do things i cant handle which would make everything worse. Like i couldnt rock up to the psych hospital and say heres a list of foods i cant eat and things i cant do and meds i cant take, they’d make my life worse on purpose bc they’d say i was being difficult or defiant and i’ve heard too many horror stories of people labeled defiant by the mental “healthcare” system to think they’d do anything but make things worse. And i’m trans, what if they put me in with women bc my birth certificate still has a stupid F on it? What if they dont let me take my T while im there? What if they do put me in with guys and they treat me poorly? What if everyone treats me poorly just for being trans?

I just cant take being like this anymore, i dont really want to die i just want to stop existing, i want everything to stop being so fucked up and awful and i want to just run away and hide forever. I dont know what to do.

#vent

[naturalbornkillass]

delayed post from 07/10/22 - A weird week: still depressed // might need to get the “hottest girl in rehab” sweatshirt. // modern feminism // why am i attracted to older men i dont even ducking have daddy issues

The last part happened today but i’ll include it into my evenfully unevenful week

i’ve been ridiculously depressed and irritable this week. i havent touched my prescripted medicine and i probably should. i’m in no way getting better.

During the 4th of july, i got into a hugeeee argument with my dad and i ended up staying home and playing roblox w my friends. it was kinda fun, then it all hit me. I’m at home during the 4th of july, doing absolutely nothing. I was bored and depressed. I HAD NOTHING TO DO!! So I ordered some food from grubhub and it made me feel better for a little bit. Then it hit me again. I'm getting fomo. How can i celebrate the 4th. of july? and listen I’m not the most patriotic citizen, and to be honest, i’m not big on independence day. although I am big on the celebrations itself, whether or not i really give a fuck about the reason of the celebration .

i decided to try lsd for the first time, and it was def the most sensational type of high i’ve ever experienced. especially bc it was laced with some other strong ass shit, which i didn't really know until i got tested positive for other stuff. I didn't rly mind tho, i had a good time regardless. My therapist was not happy ofc, so they actually told me that they may have to send me to a 30 day rehabilitation program if things don’t improve within the next week. It’s either that, or I have to stay at a psych ward for 7 days minimum, which isnt as bad, given that it’s so easy to trick them into thinking that you’re doing well within the span of a week. But either way, i’ll be stripped away from any sort of communication with all of you. unless i can memorize all of your number. not tryna do all that.

I'm against it, obviously. I’m functioning! I should be fine.

The reason why i’m not making such a big deal out of this is bc I’m not being too irresponsible with everything. Honestly i really do believe that they’re just trying to profit off of me. No one really knows what to do in those places. None of the staff members really know what they were getting themselves into. If you’re there for the money, why cant you at least try to put some effort on the shit tht you were supposed to do?

if i do end up in one in the future, best believe i’m pulling up in the corniest fit ever

but fr tho i actually have to start putting some effort because i’m not trying to go to some goddamn facility. I have many plans for this summer and living in a place w a bunch of druggiez isnt my thing. if all fails, i hope to be grouped with cool people.

i met someone on roblox, which i’ve spent a few hours with….at night. it was fun okay, and im not for edating, but this is entertaining for me. i wonder how many ppl he’s groomed online. better yet, i wonder how many people get groomed on roblox??? He’s 21 btw i forgot to mention, and yeah he does sound like it. Thats all i can say tho.

The thing is, you’ll never know if your the groomer or the groomee. Edating is so funny to me despite the times that i’ve attempted to do so. I got out of that phase towards the beginning(-ish?) of 9th grade. After that, I’ve just started fishing for some creepy pedos online and i tried to see if i can get money off of them. I found many, but they all wanted my fucking face to be in pictures/videos and they wanted to be able to hear my voice and such, like how desperate can you be? Theyre all really fucking pathetic and it just pissed me off seeing people live like that. Discord users are really something else……..

just dont edate. It's that easy.

One thing that I have noticed is that I kinda have a problem with older men. Why am I writing about this online rather than telling a professional about this? Idk but I just felt like it needs to be talked about. No, I don't have daddy issues, which proves that it's only a common stereotype. Women have such a great amount of power, simply just by existing. Next thing you know, you've hypnotized them into throwing their cash onto you.

#naturalbornkillascore

[gay-kurapika]

I sort of want to talk about this, I'll probably delete this post but who knows lol. But in the psych ward there was a therapist intern who brought in a little paper with a story that was supposed to make us think but honestly it was incredibly triggering, especially in a mixed ward where many of us had trauma around sexual assault. I've probably talked about it here before because I was MAD, like I knew I had to leave the room or I was going to have an episode mad. Concept was a woman is sexually exploited by a man so she can visit her boyfriend, because this man denies her passage unless she pays with sex. Her boyfriend will not visit her, and she already tried an alternative route with someone who "didn't want her drama". At the location her boyfriend lives he rejects her because she cheated, and then she askes a different man to beat up her boyfriend because he rejected her. Literally no agency for the woman the entire time, her entire story is shaped by the men. A man beats up her boyfriend, a man rapes her, a man is who she is seeking the entire time. And I got mad, because people were doing "what if's" about the woman. What if she was a stalker and that wasn't mentioned but the man didn't know she was coming? What if she turned everyone against this man with her fucking vagina or whatever. What if she was abusive and deserved everything coming to her. I swear to god I got so fucking mad because THATS WHAT PEOPLE SAY!!! That's what people do! When you have been sexually assaulted that is literally what people say and do, what did you fucking do to deserve it? You were his girlfriend, or you were in the wrong place at the wrong time or you were dressed or certain way or you were asking for it or you were somehow the bad guy. Despite EVERYTHING you were somehow the bad guy. I actually did flip out and start crying when some of these what ifs started but I had no power. I couldn't really say anything against this fucking male therapist because I wanted to leave and I wouldn't he able to leave unless I cooperated. And I left the room in a panic attack after I had heard these 50 year old men defending the rapist and the boyfriend

[bloodfairymagic-visualnovel]

Bloodfairymagic inspiration (YouTube comment edition) part 1!1!1!1!!1!1!1 (joke)

Ok, in all seriousness I saw lovesart23's post about her overhaul series and it talked about the 7 rings of the underworld however, there is ""bonus"" ring to it, which is ""heaven"" (a false version of heaven)

And I saw some comments about it and there were some interesting theories, I've decided to screenshot some of my favorite comments from that post and well made this

(also before I continue talking about blood fairy magic I just wanted to say that is it just me or that I feel like lovesart23 kinda copied my idea for the heaven arc of blood fairy magic???? Maybe I'm just a little paranoid or something but lovesart23's worldbuliding for overhaul is similar to mine, actually I have pointed this out in the comment sections but lovesart23 didn't really reply to me yet so yeah)

Anyways, ever since I saw the comments I had some ideas for the pride ring (also known as heaven) and I wanted to share them here

Here are the ideas:

-the pride ring is an home for ALL angels (regular angels, fallen angels, angel/demon hybrids, weak virtues, etc) however there are some other creatures who live in the pride ring (for example: demons, sinners (humans), mermaids, etc)

-there are some delusional Christians that also live in the pride ring

-speaking of "delusional Christians" some of the Christians became delusional luciferians (meaning they now worship lucifer now)

-there is common stereotype for pride citizens where people think that all people who lives in the pride ring are angels who worship lucifer alot however not all of them are like this, in fact some of them kinda don't really worship lucifer at all

-the pride ring has a lot (and I mean ALOT) of cults (the church of starry wisdom, the council of luciferians, midnight suns, the abyss watchers, million favored ones, dark knight initiative, Global Occult Coalition, Halo of the sun, heavenly host, Vassals of the morning star, etc)

-there is a place called "the delusions district" thats for delusional psychopaths who think that just because they followed the Bible or something thinks that they should go to real heaven (spoilers: in this universe, heaven doesnt really exist anymore since heaven and the underworld are combied into one place now)

It's an psych ward and it's near dysphoric catholic church (an homeless center)

That's the only lore and worldbuliding I can think of for this series, ill probably make an part 2 to this if I find more inspiration from lovesart23 and her fans

Hopefully lovesart23 won't copy my ideas and try to claim them as her own again, sorry I'm just paranoidddd

Anyways au revoirrr (goodbye in French)

#blood fairy magic #bfm lore #lore #world building #something random