#2020 me hated mc dream

[dteamain]

i just saw someone saying they just realized that dreams skin is why everyone draws dream as dream blob...... there are people who joined the fandom so late that they think dream blob drawings are a cute little character design for faceless dream that the fan artists made up

#what the hell😭😭😭😭😭 #i realized he only uses dream blob on his mc skin and alt twitter #meaning people who are joining the fandom post face revel sometimes don't even know about it if they don't watch is mc content #FUCK WE ARE AT THE POINT IN DREAM TIME THAT THERE IS MORE NON MC DREAM CONTENT THEN MC DREAM CONTENT #WHAT THE FUCK #2020 me hated mc dream #i would have been flourishing if i joined the fandom now #instead of nearly three years ago #fuckkkkkk

[wildpeachfarm]

this is meant lighthearted : instead of “all men are trash, women do no wrong” a secret third thing “PEOPLE suck in general”

as someone who grew up with an absent father who tried to make life difficult for my mother once she took him to court for child support for me and my siblings - ing…I grew up with a not nice view of older men BUT my grandpa was a big big influence in not making men a negative experience for us.

the recent shift of the last 4-5 years has been worrying. I used to liked jkr and could emphasize where she was coming from originally. but it was scary to see the gradual descent into where she is now and the stuff she is saying. Bc she is so far removed from what she originally stood for. It can happen to anyone, I even get worried if I’m on that slope sometimes. This whole situation had me second guessing myself bc I gave gnf time and believed in him. I had a moment when a few female creators made remarks (not from mc community) and I checked myself bc I was scared I was falling into the conservative rhetoric to blame women and protect men. Then I saw others who had more information and actually looked into it and also found this blog where the nuances were being discussed and let out a breath of relief that I was just using my critical thinking skills lmao

There are so many men out there who just aren’t given a chance bc society is set up for them to fall into a certain role. And I think a lot of men are trying to break that role and stereotypes. I became a dream fan bc I saw him doing this, saw a gamerboy in 2020 who was passionate and excelled at the game but didn’t fall into the toxicity of the space, actively fought against it.

and women should not be encouraged to drag men through hell bc they feel empowered by the rhetoric of recent years. women can and are just as selfish and shitty people as men. Sometimes they are worse

we’ve gone so far off center, we’ve essentially gone from one extreme to another. Which I learned two years ago was called terfs 😂 the movement needs to go back to its previous meaning. Feminism is not solely female empowerment it is the deconstructing of the patriarchal roles and belief that push men and women into boxes. Feminism, as I was taught over a decade ago, was the fight for women and MEN to be equal and have the same rights and opportunities. We can uplift women without putting down men. if this feminist movement doesn’t correct itself, it will allow more men like andrew tate to grow and influence young men.

The lack of female representation in the sphere cannot be corrected by women. It just can’t. Men need to be part of the change bc if the environment is not corrected, women cannot succeed and thrive. They can become successful but the hate and obstacles directed towards them is crazy. This is in general not just for streaming.

It can’t just be women solidarity, men need to learn and actively engage in calling out misogynist behavior. Women need to talk with their males friends and call them out when they say or act in disgusting ways. Women need to hold women accountable as well! It is unfair and unattainable to put female equality solely in the hands of women. We need to All work together.

Puffy is so good at this when she streams, especially on the smp. Hell, she even created a whole villain arc to call out the people telling her to “be a therapist to Tommy, omg your like dreams mom”. Puffy is awesome 🥹

men =/ bad

women =/ good

PREACH ANON

this breaks it all down so well and i really sympathize with you about having a poor view of some men in your life and trying to not let that influence your views but also not go so far off the other end that you end up blindly defending them without critical thinking.

Really important discussions and introspection about how your thought processes work that I think everyone should have at least once when situations like this come up

#ask #anon #anti drummyache tag

[relaxxattack]

how come twitter hates knifetrick? i havent read it nor have i ever been involved in any mcyt or adjacent stuff btw

oh man. ok let me explain the story. it was around exactly a year ago the main bit of this shit happened actually

in 2020 minecraft roleplaying (mcrp) becomes super mainstream with the rise of dream smp. in these series, stories are scripted and then acted out live with some improv stuff

in the fandoms there is a LOT of drama over whether it's okay to ship the roleplay characters. there's lots of stances on this. in the beginning, most people say it's not okay to ever ship rp characters, because the youtubers usually just use their own persona as a base for an oc, so it's basically the same thing as shipping the youtubers together. shipping irl people is weird and gross, so nobody wants to do that.

in 2021 a couple of ships start getting confirmed as canon in the rp. characters date or get together or canonically have romantic scenes. this makes the fandom hurt itself in its confusion, because it doesnt understand if it's allowed to ship those characters together.

two guys have their characters literally get married and have a child. the fandom LOVED these characters, they were well written and cute and had a great dynamic. the fandom wanted to ship them and support their marriage so bad. BUT. they were played by real people. those real people (tubbo and ranboolive) were also minors at the time, who nobody wants to risk being weird about obviously.

the mainstream fandom decides that to solve this problem, they will pretend that the marriage is platonic, and ostracize and witch hunt anyone who claims it's not. they draw tons and tons of ship fanart of the two characters, all helpfully tagged as "platonic", sometimes tagging every single use of the word "husband" as platonic.

EVENTUALLY, people start realizing, hey wait, this is roleplay. it's fictional. the streamers are not actually traumatized war veterans who invented nukes, have amnesia, raised a child, are half hybrid alien etc etc etc.

in fact... it's actually really weird to try and make their roleplay relationship the same as their real life one. in the roleplay, they are married and have a kid and act lovey-dovey... why would you claim that's their real relationship? why would you conflate the two? can't we just understand that it's fictional?

most of the tumblr fandom, eventually, realizes that fictional characters and real human actors are not actually the same person. (it helps that the actors themselves state the same thing.)

the twitter fandom however... does not eventually realize this. they stay in their "platonic husband" hell, simultaneously being really weird about shipping and outwardly hating all shippers.

fastforward a bit, there's another mc roleplay series. it's a spinoff series of that first one we were talking about, and it's an athology series-- a whole bunch of oneshots with new characters each time. keep in mind, these characters are NOT EVEN RELATED TO THE STREAMER'S PERSONAS... they make up new ones each time!!

anyway they do one of the oneshots in a cool futuristic city and i was like "man it would be cool to write about this." one of the characters (ran) acts very weird and suspicious for the 5 lines he has total, which leads to a lot of silly theories about what he might be up to in this future city. i think, "man it would be fun to write about him." a different character (jackie) remarks on that character as well; jackie is also one of the only characters to live to the end of the oneshot.

ages after this oneshot was actually aired i thought to myself, what the hell, i'll write a story about ran and jackie. they have literally no existing personality and the futuristic city is not even remotely expanded on- i get to do all that myself!

so i write a comedy mystery action romance novel about an alien assassin (ran) assigned to kill the general of the city's army (jackie) while they try to find some kidnapped kids. keep in mind, i had basically nothing to work with for these characters-- they were side characters for a single episode from a spin-off series, they had around ten lines total. i got to make up basically everything about who they were and where they came from and what they would do myself. the story is also chock full of OCs, and all of the mechanics for the city itself were original and invented by me-- it was a huge labor of love and invention and original work.

the romance wasn't intended to be a whole thing, but honestly it felt very natural (and all the story's fans definitely wanted it), so it eventually happened.

surprising no one, the same twitter fans who believe that fictional characters are somehow LITERALLY the same as their actors started trying to tell me i was shipping real life people. (what? gross?). they told me i was being a bad fan by going against the wishes of irl people who didn't want to be shipped. they accused me of so much, of just trying to "hide" that i really shipped irl people, tons of things. but my story was not about irl people. the characters literally have different fucking names, appearances, personalities, dynamics... EVERYTHING.

twitter users eventually started a "cancellation" of me. i don't even use twitter. but anyway they dug up a bunch of weird innocuous comments or fanarts i had done before, and then pointed to knifetrick, and said i was secretly a gross person, that i was a guy who shipped gaming youtubers, etc. there was a thread about it, idk.

eventually the harassment in my inbox caused me to take a break from tumblr for several weeks. i actually wasn't sure if i would come back. HUNDREDS of people were talking about how terrible i was; people on twitter literally have me and my works in their goddamn dnis. it was such a surreal experience and it caused me so much anxiety.

eventually, several of my friends convinced me to finish the story, because really there was nothing all that wrong with it in the first place. i came back to tumblr.

i added the banner that is currently in my pinned to discourage gross shippers, or people who think *i* am a gross shipper, from coming near me anymore.

as far as i'm concerned, ran and jackie are my OCs. they were from a oneshot-- a oneshot that has not been MENTIONED by its creators for years now-- who i gave an entire story to. i don't want to associate with that fandom anymore, so i don't want the characters i worked so hard on associated either.

they still talk about me on twitter sometimes, kind of as an urban legend of drama. "holy shit you guys remember the knifetrick stuff? that was so gross, how did we let any of that happen. people kept defending it too 🤢". it doesn't bother me as much anymore, because i'm surrounded by people with the critical thinking skills to tell the difference between tom hanks and woody, but it's still sometimes surreal and hurtful.

don't take this as just me complaining though- making knifetrick was incredibly fun, and i still adore all the fans and memes and fanart to this day. you all were incredible and pretty much make those awful episodes worth it <3

in case you're wondering, the steamiest thing those characters did, that people were so upset about?

they shared a chaste peck of the lips for .2 seconds before one of them tried to kill the other.

#knifetrick #THE WHOLE THING SUMMED UP! ONCE AND FOR ALL! #sorry for going on for so goddamn long anon but you needed more context than just the story itself ToT #(slight ventish(?) ahead) #those were seriously the most anxiety inducing weeks of my whole life though. every morning when i woke up i wanted to puke. #i cant imagine what its like for big internet creators who get cancelled. i literally dont know how they survive it. #bkt

[dreamhot]

let's talk: canon events! how'd you get into the dream team? what brought you to dtblr?

real ones knows i was a bit of an anti once upon a time LMAO not in the sense of running bitchless hate campaigns, but i was Sick To Death of hearing about dream/dsmp and had heard enough passing bullshit about dream being a twat (generally for various misinfo reasons) that i was like Yeah fuck that guy, he's annoying,

in 2020 i was a pretty devout watcher of the eboys channel (rip), and half of why i was aggravated by mcyt content was because a lot of the (admittedly tiny) fandom i was in was shifting over to watch the dsmp instead. the boys also collabed with some of the dsmp people here and there (much to my chagrin), but that wound up being my introduction to dream himself. he was in the eboys vs dsmp video, and i distinctly remember hearing him speak for the first time and thinking ... 'this is it? this is the big scary arrogant douchebag? but he sounds like a little guy ???'

the direct exposure piqued my curiosity, even if i was reluctant to admit it lol i listened to the eboys podcast with him as a guest, and that did a lot more to thaw me to him. it also drove me to look into some of the discourse surrounding his assorted faux-pas, and i soon learned that a lot of it was taken out of context or wholly exaggerated. he wasn't perfect, no, but he certainly wasn't an evil mastermind either. i tried watching some of his own videos after that - pretty sure i started with the mc unsolved series, for whatever reason - and it was all downhill from there 😭

originally i tried to make a twt account to join the fandom, but as anyone can prob attest to, it's Very Difficult to break in there without being industry planted. being more familiar with tumblr in general, i decided to make a brand new blog so that i could interact without connecting things to my old (mostly defunct) main blog. i mainly wanted to post art, but i started with a few gifsets, which helped to meet a few people and make some mutuals. that was back in april 2021, and ... here i still am, despite everything 😅

#smile.ask #anon #sorry for rambling blarhghgh

[lee-minhoe]

OKAY MEL BUCKLE UP YOUR SEAT BELT BC THIS IS GOING TO BE A RIDE ! also ik i have 9203402849 potential love letters i could write but there is one that truly warrants a long explanation because all i've ever written is hate mail about him to you... yes this is about lee fucking jangjun of course it's about lee jangjun 🙄

ok but i swear i'll try to actually write nice (🤢🤮) things unlike my one lino letter LOL

your favorite thing about them  he is sUCH an entertainer!! ofc he's funny and high energy and very much an enfp (the synergy of him with other enfps is insane LMAO) but also he does put in effort to be prepared when he goes on variety shows (vaguely all i know is that he does research beforehand especially if he's meeting other idols, prepares some jokes or stunts or props, idk maybe thats standard but at least it's not lazy)! besides him being absolutely deranged for entertainment purposes, i do love watching him on variety shows he really does the whole entertaining idol gig thing with such ease with his very mc-host way of speaking, his comedic timing, and the way he puts people at easy by ironically catching them off-guard with his irreverent jokes, etc. etc. honestly it's an especially great skill bc he's interacted w a lot of dongsaeng/rookie groups while hosting ssap possible and idolympics.

when you Knew TM they were your bias  LMAO the way u literally watched my realization in real time... okay but i don't actually remember what exactly cemented my coffin. i started noticing his rarer soft / calm / cute moods (instead of his obnoxious parodies of aegyo) and that he just happens to be good at everything. OH I REMEMBER NOW. SOMETHING SOMETHING HE IS GOOD AT COOKING ASDKFJLSJDFLKSDFL!!! lmao fuck why is it cooking that always gets me! also that was around the time i learned that he won 10 medals at isac 2018-20. and can do like 5 hurricane kicks in a row while singing. oh and he went from being literally tone deaf (or so he claims) when he auditioned to making it past several rounds on king of masked singer. okay but even tho he's good at everything he failed kindergarten <3 we stan having capabilities that can't be assessed by a standard education curriculum and being successful anyways 🤪

your favorite looks on them  jokes on you i don't look at him. ok just kidding u got me. honestly i rly haven't watched that that much content to be super familiar with his full range of looks/fits but i'll give you my top 3 from my jjun tag: 1) the white hoodie outfit from one of the ssap possible episodes with curly brown hair just got me i think he was super sleep deprived that day bc he was very subdued and sleepy the whole time it was very cute 2) pink jjun from the rata tat tat mv was insane w the givenchy tank and silver necklaces and and arm band... 12 dead 47 injured. 3) glasses + leather jacket from dream radio!! okay i couldn't even see half his face bc of his mask in this radio special but it was a great outfit so i had to give it a shout out. he did lower it at once point to show off his side profile ! 🥰🥳💕 ... did i mention men's health magazine nov 2020? haha forget i said anything what.

your favorite verse/chreo they do  the entire poppin' song he did with sungyoon!! some highlights w timestamps: - he has a pretty high pitched voice so i'm easily impressed by how he manages to pitch it down pretty low for the chorus. - also his verse after the first chorus is so addicting, there's something about the pitching and tone and varying emphasis of that verse that is so funny and satirical - my favorite part is the one singing line he gets lol a rare commodity as for choreo idk why the only thing i can think of rn is that time he danced w weki meki LMAO

your wish for them (solo stuff, being in a drama,  a nap maybe  lolo) to me he's honestly up there with seungkwan and baekhyun as born-entertainers so i hope he sticks around the entertainment industry for a long time 😃👍

anything about them !!!!  THIS HAS ALREADY BEEN TOO MUCH ABOUT HIM. and i've already spoken so much about him to you in the past month LMAO i swear i also love golcha joochan and jibeom dearly too :( anyways i shall leave you with a picture of jjun in a soda can and we shall never talk about this post ever again 🤫🤐

surprise ! <3 my gift for u for making it to the end ily 😘

i was CACKLING WITH GLEE WHEN I SAW THIS WAS ABOUT LEE JANGJUN HAHAHAHAHAAH

no you're right though, it's a skill to be such a great entertainer and mc like not everyone can do it! and to put people at ease and read the room and research guests beforehand, it takes work!! (and from the jangstar videos that you sent me to watch, mad respect to him for it cuz i would open the video thinking that i'd only watch the timestamp you sent but then end up watching the whole thing lmao)

LMAO i remember watching your realization happen in real time, it went from "no way jjun is gonna become my bias" -> "oh no i think he might be my bias....." -> final acceptance of the fact 😂🤣 oh but the cooking explains why you also bias lino hahahahaah i agree that gets me as well (although, mark cant cook eggs to save his life so idk). also jjun FAILED KINDERGARTEN LOL love that <3 he's so good at everything else

okay but the DREAM RADIO OUTFIT omg....he looks so good even with the mask on and with the glasses too (lol i guess how it's the cooking that gets you, for me it's the glasses) and then sunoo's fckin cute smileeeee omgggg 😭😭 the pink jjun with the tank and arm bands though 😳😳😳 and mens health ok bestie dont need to pretend you didnt mention that because i remember you mentioning it to me so i already know exactly what youre talking about and yes i will torture you

okay moving on to poppin, his verse after the first chorus really is so addicting and so good, he nails the satirical tone well there (and then sungyoon's part after it omg). THE WEKI MEKI DANCE IS SO FUNNY?? the way he just turned it on and started dancing like he's always been a part of weki meki LMAOOO he got really into it

(blurry af pic of jjun dancing to the song fabulously)

the soda can jjun is so cute 🥺

also i cANT BELIEVE YOU SURPRISED ME WITH THE LEE KNOW PIC AT THE END YOU HIT A SPECIFIC WEAKNESS i literally have that pic saved in my pinterest.....he's so hot....i had to stare at that pic as i was typing up this response and i was in PAIN and the ROLLED UP SLEEVES WITH THE WHITE BUTTON DOWN omfg this is literally one of my WEAKNESSES okay clearly you can tell i am now spiraling, this is what lee minho does to me 😐😐😐 i blame you

tell me why you love your bias!

#answered #siyuan 🎨 #thank you for finding the courage in you to write the one and only love letter you will ever write to jjun to me <333 #HAHAHA #love youuu #okay now time to go write my lino love letter.......

[hermithomebase]

i got into dream through wilbur too lmao. i got into wilbur’s mc but videos and then by extension got Really into schlatt and actually hated dream for banning him from the smp. like i was like “this guys such a cunt who does he think he is” and then i listened to him talk more abt his reasoning and was like Okay That’s Reasonable and then kept getting recced his videos (i did not watch) and then i got top surgery august 2020 and spent the entire week after BINGING everything dream, george, and sapnap had uploaded until that point and was dreaming in cubes lmao. i have been here entirely too long - bird

BIRD THIS IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL..

i really love the common theme of "this guy sounds like a total arrogant egotistical cunt" and then people listen to him actually talk or explain himself and they're like "oh. oh he's just like, some guy" like it really shows how easy it is to paint someone as a bad person through word of mouth and misrepresentation. also u just gave me a Great idea of what to watch when i eventually get my surgery

#im gonna rewatch all the manhunts its gonna be awesome #prompt.input #bird tag

[hugsforthoughts]

What happened with the dteam fandom, if you don’t mind me asking?

Over the time when people grew out of MC youtubers phase, it became a joke like most things did from 2020-2021 (covid) times. While much controversy has come out of cancel and cringe culture, people love to hate on the Internet because it's a type of their venting, anonymous harassing people online. Of course there were things ppl get rightfully mad at. Those compared to what is happening now were 100 times more coherent though. Now people just hate to hate. Because they have someone they can collectively shit on, it became socially acceptable to say ableist, queerphobic, horrible things to us and dream. Thus the fandom is thinning out. People don't want to be crushed by excessive amounts of hate

[xomoosexo]

(I know this was hours ago but I just woke up lmao)

But basically, I'm mcyt for life. Ever since little 9 y/o me found MC content I always watch some flavour of it even as I watch a few other things. I always bounce between a few CC's and what have you

Anyways so it's like August/September 2020 and I've just experienced an SMP I didn't really like so I was a little burnt out on them, so when I heard about the dsmp I was like, no thanks I'll pass

(Although I think I did watch a few of George's in this time but didn't see much else that interested me)

Then dream's vidoes started popping up and they were super clickable, but I was so annoyed with clickbait that was like, yeah no thanks

And then in late October, a clip of the Red Festival popped up on my YouTube recommended and as you say, the rest is history

I started over on SBI, but always loved Dream, even as he was dragged through the mud and other SBIers hated him I continued to love him. And then last year happened and I made the complete switch so yeah

I've also been into mcyt for fucking ever. like since 2010 how to minecraft era. I've basically just been bouncing between different mcyters for the past 13 years lol

#askies

[ravenadottir]

We were done so dirty with the wedding episode, so I wanna know- what would the li's weddings actually be like? What's the theme (and color scheme)? Where do they get married? (Destination wedding, in a church, on the beach, stuff like that)? What things from their cultures do they incorporate? What traditional things do they forgo? Who is the best man/maid of honor? Most importantly- what do you think their first dance song would be?

ooh ok, so let's go li by li, 'cause this is a long one!

*maid-of-honor. definitely an mc choice so i'm leaving it out.

**first dance. i'm really bad at choosing songs and most of my playlist nobody has ever heard of :/

***some of the li's i can't spoil much 'cause there's already wedding scenes written for them, so forgive me if they seem a bit dry.

****there's a moodboard for their wedding made back in 2020

- location, theme, color scheme, culture incorporated, best man.

bobby. outdoor wedding. mint or navy blue**** (i couldn't decide on one o i made both at the time), wearing a kilt and mc a sash of the same color. best man: gary. ((i wrote his wedding scenes and you can find them starting here)). for the first dance i would make him take pointers from someone who knows how to dance, maybe lucas. and he definitely plays with his old band, no doubt!

carl***. garden wedding. navy blue and silver. irish stepdance. best man: bobby and gary, or lucas and kassam. the boys try to teach him how to dance but they're a bit concerned about the results. aesthetic.

elisa. luxe hotel wedding. gold and white. she's wearing a dress but no veil, possibly a small golden crown. maid-of-honor is priya and lottie, who bickered over every decision because this is more priya's lane. elisa already knows how to dance. aesthetic.

gary***. rustic outdoor wedding. barbecue reception with LOTS of beer and guests, the whole town is coming so be prepared! blue and champagne, as neutral as he can have. lots of tree trunks and barrels serving more than one purpose. nan's roast is the main course. best man is dicky. tries to learn how to dance but... oh well! he ends up having fun for sure! nan is definitely dancing at least one song with the bride. aesthetic.

hannah. the surroundings remind you of cottagecore but the colors are mint and soft pink. she wears a dress with a veil and a small crown. her vows has book quotations she loves and she dips into humor about how long it took her to find her prince because he was a princess. her maid-of-honor is lottie and she's hiding her tears behind a small maid-of-honor bouquet, partly because she's wearing soft pink for hannah. aesthetic.

henrik. ceremony on the backyard of his dream house (that he already lives with the bride), reception on a built planthouse, sage green and sand****, best man is lucas, he picked up on a few steps with the best man. bobby made the cake and chelsea organized the ceremony and reception. i also wrote a wedding for him: it starts here.

ibrahim. golf course wedding, (i thought it was tacky until i researched some venues). lavender and peach, (he wanted purple and orange but got into an agreement to get softer colors since it was looking a bit halloween-ish). he's making the violet man cocktail at the reception and there's mini golf for fun after the drinks and dance, possibly adventure golf with maps and all. best man: noah. he knows his way on the dancefloor, no major issues there. aesthetic.

kassam***. if he had a choice he would elope. hates big ceremonies but will make an exception because he has to admit that without his friends and family there it would feel wrong. warehouse wedding. silver and dark purple. absolutely a rave for reception, lots of neon lights and paints for the actual party. best men: lucas and carl. aesthetic.

lottie. winter wedding. dark purple and black. would wear a black dress and a veil with a small silver crown. at least one person giving palm readings FOR SURE! maid-of-honor: hannah or hope. she dances gracefully so i doubt she needs any help, but mc is leading. aesthetic.

lucas***. outdoor wedding. black and grey colors, burgundy details on the bride, dark blue details on the groom. his parents would want to reinforce a korean tradition, most specifically the paebaek, but lucas doesn't want children so it's... complicated. his best man is henrik but i also want carl and kassam by his side. aesthetic.

marisol***. outdoor wedding. black and white (she's putting her foot down about it, especially because everyone wants it so colorful). lots of spanish/latin foods and genres on the playlist, there's no ABBA playing in this wedding. her best man is shannon. aesthetic.

noah***. fall garden wedding. terracote and cream. i'm convinced he would want to honor both of his halves (which we don't know what they are). best man is ibrahim. he learned how to dance from a young age so he's got this! aesthetic.

priya. beach ceremony. yellow and cream. she wouldn't give in to a traditional wedding of any sort. her best man is chelsea. the dance might be the concession she does to her parents. aesthetic.

#litg #love island the game #litg s2 #litg season 2 #litg bobby #litg carl #litg elisa #litg gary #litg hannah #litg henrik #litg ibrahim #litg kassam #litg lottie #litg lucas #litg marisol #litg noah #litg priya #queue #wedding

[dteamain]

he played minecraft???? and he had an ex gf (gator said thats a sensitive subject so a yes/no is perfectly fine)???????? theres a blob???????????????

and ig i "joined" in 2023?? im interacting more with you guys but i thought dream was just a youtuber -🐺 (yea the one from lees inbox)

umm hello!!!????!

this is crazy, you guys really exist and are enjoying the roses and sunshine, i actually love that for you.

let me corrupt you and explain the blob! (this kind of feels like the time there was a christian girl at this party and she told me she never kissed a girl before or did drugs so i shotgunned a blunt with her and we made out afterwards and ever since i felt like i morally corrupted her) anyway....

yes dream plays minecraft, in fact it used to be the only thing he would play/make content of😭 which was a pain for me bc in 2020 i hated mc content. he is a specific type of youtuber called 'mcyt' or minecraft-youtuber

let's talk about the blob though it ties in with dreams origins.

back in 2019 dream was deving for bbh's mc server and decided to quit his irl job to do youtube full time. but he had no social media at all and never used it so his gf at the time(yes he had one, yes it's sensitive, she caused harm not only to dream but to the community and that's about as much as anyone needs to know) decided to help him set it up so he could promote himself. they created his yt profile and all sm pfps on ms paint and he made his mc skin match:

he did this for brand recognition (which worked oh so well)

anyway for awhile this is all we knew dream as so artists will draw dream as blobs for that reason:

sometimes the blob is actually dream (left picture) sometimes they make all of dteam into blobs(right) adding a bandana for sapnap and goggles for george (holyshit do you even know about that? the bandana and clout goggles are from saps and george's mc skin, yes they are mcyt as well). and even sometimes the artists will draw the blobs as us, the fans! like dream will be surround by little blobs telling him things and that's us! it's cute!

anyway thanks for letting me corrupt you a bit

#🐺 #anon

[antiloreolympus]

11 Anti LO Asks

1. honestly the fashion in LO was never great (the Korean readers saying Persephone looked like she was in a napkin was so right) but at least there was a few stand outs, usually Hera and Minthe, but S2 has been such a downgrade. It's all either frumpy 60s fashion or just?? boring minimalist sheets? and all the men are in the same boring suits as always. if she cant bother to make the characters or environment look good, cant they dress nice at least?

2. it honestly feels like hades is more of the MC at this point than persephone. we know so much about his past, his goals, his wants, his dreams, he has fleshed out relationships and is on an arch to get something (a wife/family), meanwhile persephone is just there. she has no friends, no family, we know nothing about her past beyond random flashbacks that get retconned anyway, and her world only revolves around him. it really feels like shes secondary in her own supposed story.

3. you know how the synopsis of LO is how "you see the gods as youve never seen them before" or w/e? yeah, youve never seen them like this before because rachel made them completely OOC from their actual mythology counterparts, butchered any sort of connection/basic foundations of mythology, and isnt following a single myth and is just making a convoluted fanfiction versus actually retelling the myths. literally none of the "myths" or characters match what we know. that's not good.

4. i was reading a review on the lo book and the reviewer posted a snippet of the dialogue (without visuals) and it just dawned on me how generic the writing actually is? and how personality less it is? like it was a part of artemis talking, yet you wouldnt be able to tell, it just sounded like a generic party girl over the goddess of the hunt. like truly, if it didnt have that unique style in the beginning to ride off of, i honestly doubt this writing would even pass an intro to writing class.

5. I've stopped going to WT theory pages because overwhelmingly every LO theory is either so obvious it's not a theory, or just obsessed about demeaning every other character (woo boy, they love saying Artemis will be the next twist villain because she's purple!) or saying Persephone HAS to give Hades kids "like in the myths" like?? That's so dehumanizing, Does Persephone have no worth or purpose outside of bearing him kids? Also, no, they didn't have kids in the myths. Sorry to say but it's true.

6. In regards to that one ask, I don't believe RS has said in particular in she's only writing the Trial week by week, but she did give in interview early in 2020 where she admitted she writes the next episode as soon as its published on Saturday, so it's not that she's only writing this plotline in a weekly fashion, it's that in general she writes everything in LO in a weekly fashion. That's why plot lines are dropped, new ones randomly pop up, and there's too many retcons to count.

7. The anon that said LO only concerns itself with aesthetics is so right. It does! It coasts off all the bright colors, fun events (like Hades and Persephone going shopping), shallow drama (like the various non-canon sexual and romantic relationships between the gods) and out-of-nowhere stakes (like Kronos waking up), which all sound very nice and interesting and attractive in theory, but in LO's story they're so random and disjointed... They're only there for the aesthetics of a good work!

8. Honestly looking on Barnes and Noble at the images included for how the pages look between Hooky and Lore Olympus. Even if I enjoyed Lore Olympus the book would have to look really amazing, but instead it looks like it was done relatively quickly with not enough care(again from the images they’re trying to sell it with, I have not seen a physical copy personally to judge)

On the other hand, while I hate the daily pass system, it was part of the reason I was looking into getting the Hooky graphic novel, along with the fact the preview pages look amazing. Hooky overall offers a much more interesting story and it suits the graphic novel form, while Lore Olympus just does not in its current state. 

9. if the fans are perfectly willing to excuse persephone for mass murder, excuse hades and hera having a centuries long affair while acting holier tthou than zeus, hades' constant abuse of his citizens, employees, and literally owning slaves, then i think they could have handled persephone being like, 200 years old. RS claiming shes "subverting" the "powerful old man with a submissive young girl" trope is such a blatant lie its honestly maddening.  its your kink, lady, lying about it doesn't help.

10. i hate how the stans claim rachel is "being so respectful" with the serious topics like SA and the age gap when she doesnt. she constantly sexualizes the fact persephone is so young and depicts her as acting even younger (why did she retcon their first meeting to where persephone was NAKED and possible underage?), and the SA is only there to push the couple along, with it not depicted well at all and even forgotten most of the time. If actual victims tell you it's badly depicted, LISTEN TO THEM.

11. Been looking through your blog and though I agree with most takes, I gotta tell you that as a designer it's actually quite important to ask the target audience for feedback on the product. User testing for a product is important. It isn't odd that she asked her fanbase what they'd like to see more in a story since the story IS a product. We do that in my field all the time. Now, can't say that she made the wisest decisions in her story, but the approach to the fandom to ask about their expectations is normal. 

From OP: Ah ok! Thank you for telling me /pos

I found it weird because it wasn’t very specific but then again, that’d probably spoil the story lol

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

[kanmom51]

Bangtan bombs, packages & other official BTS content masterlist

JK log 18 Jul 2013 - Bangtan

BTB You're a holiday , such a holiday~ (Bee Gees - Holiday) - 3 Aug 2014

2014 AHL JK

Bangtan bomb Feb 2015

10 Star photoshoot making 

Bangtan bomb 6 May 2016 - ISAC Feb 2016

Jin birthday surprise 10 Dec 2015 - Tae eureka moment

Tae’s reaction when JK says it was his mission as spy to ignore him...

Did JK say he desires JM?

160703 [BANGTAN BOMB] BTS at 5th GAON CHART K-POP Awards

What Jimin said on 16 November 2016...

BTB Jin&Jimin M countdown Special MC from 17 Dec 2016.

Fire MV the making of - Jikook

Arguing with your bff as opposed to arguing with your bf

Global Vlive top 10 BTS

170110 [BANGTAN BOMB] Message to A.R.M.Y as 'Blood, Sweat & Tears' last day

KBS music bank comeback Feb 2017

Summer package 2017 - the dream catcher necklace incident

12 July 2017 Wings Japan tour documentary.

Can someone please explain to me what exactly JM is doing there???

the Wings Japan tour documentary

JK collapsing - Wings concert Santiago Chile 2017

The behind mission for the comeback show preview Vlive

When JK tried to feed JM

2018 summer package hidden cameras in rooms

BTS Sweet party Harajuku - what JK likes about JM...

Hobi the protector

2018 season greetings - were JK&JM holding hands?

Jimin nothing stronger & kookphoria links

Jikook right after JK’s RB 

Summer package 2019

Japan Fan café magazine Vol. 7 2019

Season greetings 2020

Purple radio live comeback special

Bangtan Bomb Black swan VCR behind

Festa 2020 - Jikook and the rainy day fight

Festa 2020 - what JM, Tae & JK want to do with the other members

2020 season greetings - what JK is allowed to get away with when it comes to JM

Break the silence commentary

Dynamite Holiday Remix - fanservice?

Dynamite Holiday Remix - coming back to this moment

Winter package 2021 JM wearing JK’s sweatshirt?

Butter

Festa 2021 - JM’s wishes

Fix you - Jikook moments

Quiz on the block March 2021

Muster 2021:  

Can we go back to this please? ;  

JM’s sigh, JK’s grin ;

JK’s reaction to JM’s photocard

JK remembering Film out in Muster 2021

Another cute moment - JK’s JM sense

PTD & JK’s inner diva

PTD dance practice

BTS do have different work schedules at times...

Vmin Butter album opening

PTD project - latest “you are me I am you”

And yet again in unison

BTS Bubblegum talk - true translation of JM’s words

The not so hidden agendas behind the misinterpretations of the bubblegum talk

They (the editors) said it

OMG JK said “I love you” to Tae + stop the “JK never said I love you to JM” narrative

Tokopedia - JK saying “I love you, I love you” to Tae - actual meaning explained by K-army

Bangtan Bomb 29 Aug 2021 - SBS 2020 performance: 

Link 1;  Link 2;  Link 3;  Link 4

Jimin ain’t surprised JK focuses on his lips

BH editors are the biggest Jikook’s?

Bangtan Bomb 17 September 2021 JinJikook 

Bangtan bomb Grammy’s 29 September 2021

BTS 5 years Seoul tourism ambassadors 

3J’s BTB 3 October 2021

3J’s BTB Jikook pure happiness

[BANGTAN BOMB] Meeting with Megan Thee Stallion - BTS - 8 November 2021

JK’s powers of teleportation

BTB 28 October 2021 - BTS visit to the UN

BTB 28 October 2021 - JM’s finger heart

PTD online live concert - JK telling the haters what he thinks about them

Love yourself 4 year anniversary

2021 Season greetings teaser - is this a coincidence?

Suga merch launch clip - who’s there behind the camera JK?

JM merch launch clip - 7 year ongoing joke

JM merch launch clip - Jikook Jikooking

JM merch launch clip - I purple you

JM merch behind clip - his inspiration

JM merch behind clip - again with this?

AMA’s 2021 behind BTB

BTS MBTI test episode 1

BTS MBTI test 

BTS MBTI test - JK hates talking on the phone and texting

BTS MBTI test - the perilla leaf saga with JK and JM

BTB Coldplay X BTS ‘My Universe’ MV Shoot

Army calendar 7 June 2022 episode 12 (1).

BTS “do you know me?” game by Constellar - Jikook and the falling star in Malta

BTS Xylitol ads

BTS honorary ambassadors for Busan Expo 2030

JK D’Festa Tokyo

Big hit Global auditions 2022 (BTS) message

Hobi Jack in the box party W Korea photos

Xylitol smile season 2

Jack in the box party - BTB

More from the Jack in the box BTB

JK’s camping Vlog

Samsung flip ad

Samsung Galaxy flip ad - Jikook cut

Merchbox 8 Interview Photobook scan: Jungkook

Merchbox 8 Interview Photobook scan: JIMIN

Me, Myself & Jungkook

Me, Myself and Jungkook - what we have so far (16 August 2022)

Me, Myself, ​and Jung Kook​ ‘Time Difference​​’ ​Concept Film

Me, Myself and Jungkook ‘Time difference’ Teaser 1/2

Me myself and Jungkook - and the moon

Me, Myself and Jungkook ‘Time difference’ Teaser 2/2

BTB Bad decisions recording sketch

Happy Chuseok

Disney+ clip (no Eng. subs)

Why are they so adorable?

BTS LY Speak Yourself - Final concert Seoul

BTB BTS Visited the White House to Discuss Anti-Asian Hate Crimes

Jikook at the white house - BTB

BTS X Cookie Run Kingdom

The KFA’s

We got the Samsung hug in HD

Cookie run - Jikook’s love for cheese balls

BTS Cookie run behind the scenes

Us ourselves and BTS ‘We”

JM praising JK, cause it’s always about JK

Piggybacking, as suspected

Us, Ourselves and BTS photoshoot sketch

Special 8 Photo-Folio Reaction Film #1

Run BTS dance practice

More from Run BTS dance practice

18 November 2022 Coway Behind

'RUN BTS TV' On-air part 1 Preview Cuts - JK & JM

Run BTS TV - part 1

the two in the bunch

Smile JK cause JM tells you to...

Nothing new here folks

JK/JM behind cuts

Feel the Rhythm of Korea  Making Film

How did I not notice this?

TMA’s BTB released 25 December 2022

BTS investment club

BTS investors club behind cuts

TMA's BTB 25 December 2022

TMA’s 2022 masterlist rant

BTS suite life photo (white version) JM & JK - 28 DEC 2022

BTB BTS @Yet to Come Busan masterlist

BTB 28 Jan 2023 - VIBE (Feat. Jimin of BTS)’ MV Shoot Sketch - BTS

JK about JM being cute - AGAIN

Special 8 Photo-Folio Reaction Film #2

JM Choreography practice BTB

#masterlist #kanmom51 materlist #Bangtan bomb #BTS season greetings 2020 #BTS official content #Bangtan bomb masterlist #Season greetings masterlist #BTS season greetings #BTS official content masterlist #Kanmom51 masterlist

[needyounow-love]

Obey Me Masterlist - 1

All the masterlists

Started: 25/04/2020

Updated: 14/07/2020

Rules

Prompts List for requests

Obey Me

Ps: I'm trying to write all the headcanons with gender-neutral pronouns, but it's still easier for me to write with my own pronouns, so the other prompts will usually be with my own pronouns (she/her). This doesn't mean that you can't ask for a prompt with different pronouns: I will do my best to use the pronoun that you want!♡

Memes

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11

Headcanons

How would they react if MC started crying because of a nightmare (Mammon, Belphie and Levi)

How the brothers would react if their s/o was jealous of some succubi who always try to flirt with them and to hurt their s/o

How the brothers would react to their reckless MC who always get injured

How would the brothers react to MC being a known historical costumes' designer - Part 1 (Mammon, Levi, Satan and Asmo)

How would the brothers react to a MC who paces a lot

How would the brothers react to a MC who usually is very edgy, but nice and cuddly only with them (Mammon, Levi and Asmo)

How would the brothers and Diavolo react if they ended up having to sleep in the same room as MC and MC confessed their love for them, while they (MC) are sleeping

How would the brothers react to a MC that came out as FTM

How would the brothers react to MC starting her period in the middle of the night and being really embarrassed about accidentally getting blood on the sheets

Pegging Mammon (nsfw)

How would the brothers react if they found out that MC has a degradation kink (nsfw)

How would the brothers react if they walked in on MC getting changed

How would the brothers react if you told them that you hate them (without meaning it)

How would the brothers react if MC wore a cosplay of their demon forms

What would their nationalities and jobs be if they were humans? (brothers + undateables)

How would the undateables react if they found out that MC has a degradation kink (nsfw)

What safe word would the brothers use?

MC having a crush on Levi/Mammon and faking to be offended by the two brothers calling them a normie/lowly human to tease them

Brothers - from biggest fo smallest (nsfw)

MC being an angel

How would the brothers react if some incubi tried to flirt with MC

Undateables - from smallest to biggest (nsfw)

Making the brothers watch TV series like Supernatural, Good Omens and Lucifer

MC is having trouble sleeping and asks to sleep with Lucifer and for him to hold her in his arms until she falls asleep

What brother would be most likely to take photos of you during or after having sex (nsfw)

How would the brothers react if they saw their very dom!s/o in a military uniform (mention of nsfw activities)

How would the brothers react to a MC that has a resting bitch face

How would my favourite brothers react to a bilingual MC who starts going off on some demon in another language because she's had enough of their shit (Leviathan, Mammon, Belphegor)

How would the brothers react if MC lost her memory and didn’t remember about them

How would the brothers react if MC started sleep talking whilst having a wet dream

Levi random headcanon - Dildos

The brothers reaction to a bubbly/cheerful MC who suddenly changes expression

How would the brothers react to MC chewing ice/anything hard but MC doesn’t bat an eye or show any signs of pain

How would the brothers react to a MC that sings in scary situations to cheer herself up

How would the brothers react to a MC who’s very intimidating

How would the brothers react to a MC who changes her hair colour often and who will change it to match the brothers’ hairstyles

How would the brothers react to accidentally finding out that MC’s stuff and private photos are being sold by her stalker who MC kept a secret from the brothers

How would the brothers react if MC got sick of the brothers talking down to Mammon once again and just started yelling at them about how they treat him

How would the brothers + undateables react to seeing MC in a wedding dress for "wedding day" of spirit week?

The brothers get in a petty argument with MC and say something that they don’t mean to them, making MC cry (Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan and Belphegor)

How would the brothers react if you called them by the wrong name

How would the brothers react if they got stuck with MC in an elevator suddenly out of service

Levi and the ocean

The brothers with a MC who's very open about what they want (nsfw and sfw)

Undateables with a Fem!MC who likes to be spanked (nsfw)

Each brother reacting to MC choosing another specific brother over him

How would the brothers react an extremely drunk MC being all over the them and asking for their attention and snuggles (nsfw references)

Levi, Satan, Asmo, and Mammon with a MC who loves the fantasy genre

How would the brothers+undateables react to a MC who was being physically/emotionally abused by her family before ending in the Devildom

NSFW Alphabet headcanons

All the brothers - D

Mammon - from A to Z

Leviathan - from A to Z

Leviathan - C and X

Barbatos - from A to Z

Solomon - X

Asmodeus - C

Diavolo - F and X

Diavolo - K and P

Lucifer

F!MC Punishment (nsfw)

Sub!Lucifer x GN!MC - Happy birthday, Luci! (nsfw)

Mammon

F!MC Look at the sky (fluff)

The Deal (nsfw) - Mammon gets gangbanged by some witches

F!MC Can't help falling in love with you

F!MC Can't wait (nsfw)

F!MC Promise Me (nsfw)

Leviathan

F! MC Friday Night pt.1 (slightly nsfw)

F!MC Friday Night pt.2 (nsfw)

F!MC A new kink (nsfw)

F!MC You're mine (nsfw)

F!MC Thank you (fluff)

F!MC Let's start again

F!MC Cuddles (fluff)

F!MC Sea monster, not lizard! (nsfw)

F!MC Game Over (fluff)

GN!MC - I dare you

Satan

F!MC Wet Dreams (nsfw)

Sub!Satan x GN!MC - A good kitten (nsfw)

Asmodeus

GN!MC Let's put that mouth to good use (nsfw)

Beelzebub

F!MC Beelzebub x MC x Belphegor - Need some help? (nsfw)

Belphegor

F!MC I missed you (nsfw)

F!MC Hanahaki Disease (angst/fluff)

F!MC Don't forget about me (angst)

M!MC - Puppy eyes (fluff)

GN! Your Lies (angst)

F!MC Beelzebub x MC x Belphegor - Need some help? (nsfw)

All the brothers x MC

F!MC Laser Point

F!MC MC gets turned into a child

---

#masterlists

[mariaiscrafting]

ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

#ive been writing this on and off since 830 am est SHEESH #dreamwastaken #dream critical #eh i think im relatively lenient of him here given my past posts ab him #but still just in case the blacklist tags for yalls convenience: #discourse #/neg #asks #long post #long posts #this a LONG one bois #morango

[thatmultifandomhoe]

The Size of a Heart

Pairing: Lee Hoseok (Wonho) and Reader

Word Count: 9,919

Genre: Established Relationship AU - Slice of Life AU - Smut - Angst - Fluff

Overview: Between work and obtaining an MFA, it had been too long since you and   Hoseok had gotten to spend more than a few hours together, let alone be intimate with each other. When he whisks you away for a well-deserved   weekend getaway, just the two of you and no one else, you eagerly jumped  on board, and him. But when you wake up alone left with your thoughts,  unable to escape the insecurities you once put behind you, this weekend  changes your relationship in a way you hadn’t even hoped for.

Warning: Tattooed Wonho, Pierced Wonho, messy kisses, Wonho is a hoe for the reader’s boobs, size kink - body insecurity, body dysmorphia, talk about dieting, talk about starving, talk about binge eating, fasting, self-hatred, self-conscious, use of the term fat in a negative view – explanation of the butterfly project.

A/N: This drabble was perhaps one of the hardest fics I’ve written, and that’s because this story deals with something that I’ve struggled with for many, many years now. With that being said, one of the many things this story deals with is body dysmorphia.

For those who are unaware, body dysmorphia or - Body dysmorphic disorder - is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or  flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by  others. I am stating this right now, I have never been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, but I have done many of the things that are mentioned later on in this fic.

This was not an easy story to write because I put in my own experiences with being self-conscious, with hating what I see in the mirror, with seeing an image of myself that isn’t what others see. To be honest, I’ve also left out a lot of the things that I’ve done because of that. There were many moments were I had to stop and walk away from this fic because it was so hard to read the things the MC is going through, and knowing that I did them, that I still do. It’s not easy.

This is just a heads for those who may not be comfortable reading such things. And that’s perfectly understandable. For those of you do decide to read this fic, well, I hope you enjoy. I really do. There are moments that made me laugh, so I promise it’s not all angst lol. I really do.

Master List:

Music Playlist:

Part of the Intimacy Anthology Project

©thatmultifandomhoe 2020. Do not repost, translate, or use my stories without permission.

The sky was burning as the sun set for the night, cloaking the city in its familiar darkness. Leaning against the side door, you watched the world blur by from the passenger seat of Hoseok’s car.

Only half an hour earlier did you get a text from him telling you to pack a bag. Somehow, he managed to clear his own schedule, and knowing that you were free as well, he decided that the two of you needed a getaway from reality for a few days, even if it was only to his place. The best of it all, was the promise of spending all day in his bed.

You and Hoseok had only been dating for six months at this point, and while sex with him wasn’t a new thing, this was the first time that you were going to be spending a weekend with him. With all the hours that he put into his tattoo shop, and you working on obtaining your MFA while still working full time as an assistant to a family run law firm, more often than not your schedules didn’t line up. Work and school dictated both your lives, making it near impossible to spend more than a few hours together.

Despite living in the same city, the two of you relied on video chats and messaging apps to stay connected as if it was a long-distance relationship.

Which is why once you had received his text about his plans, you had rushed around the apartment, ignoring the strange looks your roommates gave you as you ran to your room, throwing in clothes from the closet without a second thought and those lacey bra and panties that had been waiting for their moment to shine.

Three nights. Two days. Alone with Hoseok sleeping next to you, was all that you needed and wanted to do. There were no plans whatsoever that involved leaving his bed.

Shifting in the seat, the corners of your mouth lifted when seeing Hoseok glance at you, his eyes lingering on your bare legs as you straightened them out more. He was driving one-handed, the other resting on the console, fingers intertwined with yours as he rhythmically rubbed the back of your hand with his thumb.

“Won’t be much longer,” Hoseok said, lifting your tangled hands to kiss the back of yours.

You hummed in agreement, watching the corner of his eyes crinkle as he smiled and chuckled, glancing up at you before focusing back on the road. He had asked for you to be ready to go by seven, that way there wouldn’t be much traffic to deal with.

“You sure you won’t have to work this weekend?” You asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hoseok nodded, kissing your knuckles once more and keeping them against his lips for a few extra moments. “I promise, love. I made sure not to book any sessions.”

Adjusting in his seat, he shifted his knee against the steering wheel, the clicking of the blinkers going off as he pulled into his driveway. Your smile widened as you let go of his hand to gather your purse and backpack, prepared to open the door when the lock sharply echoed in the car. There was no time for you to react because the next thing you knew, fingers were gripping your chin and turning you to face Hoseok. For a split second, his sneaky grin took up the majority of his face before his mouth descended onto yours.

His plush lips were soft against yours, and while he had given you a quick kiss when you had left the apartment, you had been too excited about being with him to be able to properly enjoy it. Now…the bags slipped from your fingers, a dull thud barely registering in your mind as you cradled the back of his head. Briefly you felt him smile, but when you leaned further into him, his hands sliding their way down and around your frame as the kiss deepened.

It had been so long since either of you kissed like this. Usually you settled for soft and sweet, occasionally indulging in his games when he would try to pull you back for a chaste kiss, then another, and then one last one, I promise, until you had to rush to get back to the office or class.

Hoseok tugged on the bottom of your shirt until it was freed from your jeans, eagerly sliding his palms over your back, trailing each bump of your spine and leaving your body shivering with his sudden touch. Threading your fingers through his black hair, you lightly tugged on the locks, his sudden groan shooting you straight in the heart.

“Been too long,” you murmured, shifting in the seat so that you were sitting on your knees in the seat, and for the first time ever, hovering over Hoseok as you leaned back down, hungrily kissing him.

When was the last time the two of you were able to lose yourselves in each other? Without worrying about work and projects getting in the way every single time?

There was no warning from Hoseok except for a squeeze of your hips when you felt yourself becoming airborne for a few brief seconds, finding your new position to be straddling his hips. His hands felt like they were everywhere, lost in the taste of the mint gum he must have chewed earlier to do anything more than moan when his hands slipped into your back pockets to squeeze your ass.

Taking advantage of your open mouth, he slipped his tongue in, grip tightening on your ass as he felt your hips rock against him.

Even with the AC on, the cold air did nothing to cool your body temperature, making the already warm summer day hotter inside the car. Although you knew who to blame for that sudden change.

Your heart was racing as the kissing continued breaching into desperate lust. Your chest was aching from the lack of oxygen, but you refused to give in to such a simple thing like air. In your opinion, this, kissing your boyfriend, was far more important despite how much your lungs were disproving this decision.

It didn’t help that despite being on his lap, space between you and the steering wheel were tight. Needing something to hold on to, you slid your hands up Hoseok’s chest, gripping the sides of his leather. The sudden pull on his jacket had him moving forward, and with your minds preoccupied, neither of you realized the consequence of that action until it was too late.

The horn blared in your ears, jolting the two of you apart at the unwanted noise that only stopped when Hoseok tugged you off the steering wheel and against his chest. For the short moments afterwards, the outside world fell silent, your chest heaving as short gasps escaped from trying to catch your breath. Palms placed firmly on Hoseok’s chest, they moved with him as he tried to regulate his own breathing, and it was there that they shook with his shoulders, his giggles starting out soft and adorable before growing loud.

His laughter was infectious. So much so that you found yourself resting your forehead on his shoulder, cheeks aching from smiling and laughing so harshly. The longer that you sat on his lap, a dull ache settled in your knees, but there was nothing in this world that was going to make you leave his arms, the very ones that were wrapped around you with one of his hands cradling the back of your head. He held you just tight enough to reassure you that he was in fact here and holding you, that this wasn’t just another hopeful dream.

“Are you okay?” He said, his voice light with his giggles.

Nodding, you leaned backwards to look at him, eyes smiling as bright as his smile. “I’m fine,” you reassured, stealing a glance behind you to make sure that you didn’t hit the steering wheel as you shifted on his lap.

 His soft pink lips were darker and his hair was disheveled from your fingers. Reaching you, you gently fixed the messed up looks, missing the way that his laughter turned to only the occasional giggle, his face softening as he gazed at you. Before you could remove your hand, Hoseok was taking it in his, fingers automatically lacing together with yours as he bumped his forehead against yours.

You closed your eyes at the connection, catching the faintest scent of crisp apples attached to his clothing. It was fresh, yet reminded you of his shop at the same time. He must have come straight to your apartment from working on a client.

Inside your chest, your heart didn’t race, instead it slowed down, comfortably beating as his nose softly brushed against yours. As much as you had missed the passion and his kisses, out of everything, it was the simplest of innocent touches, his familiar presence that you craved and missed so dearly. He had a way about himself that was able to turn the mood up to a hundred, and carefully bring it back to normal.

“How about we leave this car,” Hoseok murmured, his palms resting on the small of your back. “I don’t know about you, but I’d rather spend our little vacation inside the house.”

As perfect as this moment was, he was right. The ache in your knees had grown along with a minor fear that if the two of you kept this going in the driver’s seat, that you would once again be getting a rude greeting from the car horn.

Lifting your forehead off his, you raised an eyebrow at him. “Anywhere in particular inside?”

The corner of his lips twitched again, bringing back his smile at full force. “Wherever you want to be.”

A scoff left you too easily. Pushing off of him, you undid the lock and with his hands steadying you, got out of the car and headed in the direction of his front door. A summer breeze kissed at your heated body, the leaves from the trees shaking from up above as small lights blinked in and out around the yard like miniature falling stars. It had been awhile since you last saw fireflies. They were childhood memories and nostalgia that had you diverting from the original plan of going inside, content with staying out for a little while longer.

When a pair of arms wrapped around your frame and hands settled on your hips, Hoseok’s head leaning against yours, it was easy to picture this moment happening over and over again every summer. While it was a little shocking how easy it was to imagine, nothing felt more right than this. Maybe not always right in this spot, but by his side was where it felt perfect. Where it felt natural.

Lips nibbling at your neck had your eyes closing, easily leaning against his body as you were brought back to reality.

“Didn’t know you were into public stuff,” Hoseok teased, sucking at a particular spot on your neck that had you gasping. “I’m not sure how my neighbors will feel about that though.”

You swatted at his thigh, feeling his lips curve upwards before he pressed himself completely against your backside, allowing you to feel every inch and curve of his body. Shifting in his embrace, your eyes widened upon feeling something else pressing against your ass. One that brought back more mildly more recent memories and weren’t childhood friendly, saliva building up and forcing you to swallow.

“Maybe…maybe we should go inside.” you suggested, voice barely above a whisper as you tried to remain calm, taking a shaky breath despite wanting nothing else but to continue.

Hoseok hummed against your neck, leaving one last kiss. Straightening up, he winked and tapped your ass, leaving a hand on your lower back to guide you to the house, all as if he wasn’t walking around with an erection or that he had riled you up. Like this was normal for him.

It only took seconds.

Fifteen seconds to get inside his house. Ten seconds to kick your shoes onto the shoe rack he had, and only five seconds for Hoseok to spin you around and bring you close enough for him to kiss. Like in the car, the lust was quickly ignited once more as you tried to keep up with him, wanting to taste and feel more of him. You wanted him, in every which way possible, to the point where it was an overflowing pot, and yet, even then it wouldn’t be enough.

You would never be able to get enough of the man that was Lee Hoseok.

With an ease that still surprised you, Hoseok gripped your waist and picked you up as if you weighed nothing, making you wrap your legs around his hips to bring you closer. Once he had you like he wanted, he secured his arms around you and carried you away all while keeping the kiss going.

He walked with a clear destination and kissed like he was the devil coming to collect his debt, personally bringing you to Hell’s gates where you knew that only his touch would run hotter than its fires.

A chill erupted along your spine as blankets and pillows gently encompassed your body, only then did the kiss break, chest heaving as you tried to look around the room, but when he nibbled on your shoulder it was game over. You moaned, taking a moment to indulge in the feeling before reaching up to push his leather jacket off. He barely removed himself from you to take off his favorite clothing piece, but he tugged it off and only ended up lightly biting your skin, eliciting a gasp from you.

“Sorry love,” Hoseok murmured, kissing that spot oh so gently that it questioned whether or not his lips had actually touched the skin.

“It’s fine,” you chuckled, tilting your head to kiss him once again.

When Hoseok kissed you for the first time it was after your sixth date. At first you had thought it was strange that he would wait so long for a kiss that most people gave out after a second or third date, but he had never been one to rush things, and by taking his time, it had made that first time all that more special. They had been addicting back then, and as he took you to Paris in the comfort of his room, you found yourself never wanting to stop.

Shirts were quickly discarded and you managed to get Hoseok on his back, taking the advantage of straddling his waist to leave your own love bites around his neck, kissing your way down his sternum, feeling each and every shaking breath that he took before hearing his groans.

A black and grey scale of a lion took up the majority of his chest, strands of its mane peaking up onto his shoulders and the base of his neck that always teased you when he wore a shirt. Due to how large the piece was, the mane covered his pecs, practically hiding the silver bars of his nipple piercings. A dare he had gotten back in his younger years. When he told you that story it was always with a smile. Free piercings and jewelry, I just had to prove I had the balls to go through with it.

A deep moan sounded from above when you kissed his nipple, the metallic taste of the piercing lingering on your tongue, his fingers digging into your hips as he tried to grind himself into you. It only succeeded in sending the fire that was boiling straight to your heart, your nails raking down his sides and causing him to flinch at the sensation.

“We can tease the fuck out of each other later,” Hoseok groaned, undoing the button of your shorts with quick movements. “I’ve missed you too much to wait any longer.”

As much as you enjoyed worshiping every curve and groove from his muscles, he was right. Releasing his piercing, you leaned back up to steal a kiss that he readily accepted. His palms trailed up your body, almost wrapping around you as he rolled you on your back and slipping between your lower half.

Breaking the kiss, Hoseok messily kissed down the valley of your breasts, his fingers making quick work of removing the offending shorts off your legs and tossing them to the floor without a care to where they landed. The bra didn’t last much longer. Once your breasts were free, he descended on the left one, sucking and licking the nipple as he fondled the other, forcing a gasp from you as you felt your underwear grow damp.

The blankets were bunched up and shifting towards the edge of the bed, and when he suddenly let go of your breast, the air in the room suddenly too cold as it made contact with the wet mess he left, you let go of the blankets and chose to hold on to his shoulders when he latched on the right nipple. As if not wanting to let it feel left out, he ran his thumb over the saliva he left, spreading it over your boob.

“Hoseok,” you whined, back arching off the pillow.

He hummed around your breast, lips curling up until he released you with a satisfied grin as the corners of his eyes crinkled.

“Sorry love,” he murmured, messily kissing you again. “Couldn’t help myself.”

“Take off your pants if you’re so sorry,” you said, raising a leg to push at the jeans that clung to his body.

“Gladly.”

Pushing himself up, his black bangs fell in his face as he worked on removing his pants, the belt clattering against itself as it fell to the floor.

Wetting your lips, you watched, unabashedly drinking in the way your boyfriend had built himself up from all the late night and early morning workouts he did at the gym, even occasionally slipping one in during the middle of the day. All his hard work and protein shakes had paid off, even with his odd obsession with eating ramen at random times.

However, as he went to push them down, you quickly leaned forward to trace the black cursive letters that were tattooed near his abs and v-line, right above the band of his jeans. He didn’t have this the last time you two had sex, and there was no memory of him mentioning getting another tattoo.

“Monsta…X?” You read aloud, glancing up at him.

His smile widened but he didn’t speak, settling for only raising a single eyebrow.

Of all the things he could have gotten inked onto his body, this was perhaps the strangest. Usually he only got tattoos that were important to him. The lion on his chest was symbolic to protecting those he loved. His entire upper left arm was a nightlife scene with bright colors of Seoul, South Korea to represent his home country, and underneath that on his forearm was a small bouquet of yellow daffodils that appeared as if the flowers had grown right out of his wrist, they were so realistic.

Everything had a meaning, so what was so important that he had to get those words tattooed? Especially in a spot that made it impossible to not steal a glance at his…

“You named your dick Monsta X?” You gasped; eyes wide as his body shook with his laughter. “Why?”

“Why not?” He giggled, continuing to remove his pants.

Your mouth opened and closed repetitively, but a slow grin overtook your face and you shook your head, just as amused if not even more than Hoseok was. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“I mean…” Tossing his pants away, he winked as he reached over to the nightstand drawer and pulled out a foil, setting it on the bed next to you as he sat on his knees, his thigh muscles stealing your attention briefly when they flexed, the bulge in his briefs almost straining against the fabric. “You always call it that anyway.”

The sudden laugh was ripped from your throat and you hurried to cover your mouth with your palm. If it weren’t for the fact that he was grinning – his eyes met yours for a moment and his smile softened, almost daring to dip into shy territory before he cleared his throat - and you knew that he had a sense of humor, you would have been trying to fix what you said. Besides, it wasn’t like he was wrong either, it had just been the last thing you expected him to say.

“Now that we got that out of the way,” Hoseok said, still amused while lifting your legs together in one hand as he removed your damp panties with the other, tossing them like a basketball towards the door despite your halfhearted protests. He quickly discarded his own pair without a second thought and after rolling on the condom, with no warning whatsoever he tugged on your legs to bring you closer to him and in-between you once more.

Leaning down, he captured your lips in another kiss. This one, unlike the others, was slower, more sensual as he took the time. Despite the heated impromptu make out session in the car, it still felt like forever since the two of you had last been together. Not just intimately, but in the simplest, and loving ways.

When the kiss finally broke, there were a few beats where the world seemed to stop turning as you gazed at each other. Even though it had only been six, glorious, months with Hoseok, the thought of it one day coming to an end was nonexistent. With him, it felt like you were right where you belonged.

He stole another kiss, then a second, but could one even call it stealing when you’re just as eager to kiss him? As the kisses continued, fingers trailed down your hip and thigh, feeling it grip your leg and moving it around his hip before repeating it with the other.

The night was long, but as the sheets twisted in your grip, you knew it was going to be everything and then some.

Shifting against the sheets, you pressed your face further into the warm pillow, the blankets tucked around your body, ensuring that at no point would the chilled air reach you. Not wanting to move around too much, you stretched a hand out to the side, hoping that Hoseok would feel you moving around and pull you close. He always ran warmer than you, even going so far and to tease about you using him as your own personal heater.

Instead, your fingers wrapped around cold sheets.

The difference in temperature had you yanking your hand back to the safety of the warm cocoon you were wrapped up in as you tilted your head. Blinking, you saw that the side where Hoseok should have been, was neatly made up, with only a single wrinkle from when you tried to feel around for him.

“Hoseok?” you said, wondering if he was even still in the house.

He had promised that this weekend was for the two of you with no interference from anyone. Including work and school. Holding the blankets to your chest, you took your sweet time sitting up. The sunlight that was streaming in through the blinds and decently sheer curtains blinded you for a few seconds, forcing you to tilt your head away from the window. Although in only a short time were your shoulders relaxing as the sunlight warmed the bare skin.

Now that you were up, you were able to see that the floor had been cleaned up from last night’s reunion, the clothes that neither of you had gave a damn about where now in the hamper by the bedroom door, and your purse and backpack were sitting on the leather desk chair with a red silk robe folded over the back. It was the exact opposite from the night before. The only exception was the missing Hoseok.

Yawning, you ran a hand through your hair, recalling the way that Hoseok had brushed the locks away from your face to kiss you. The corner of your lips curled upwards, and you had started to lay back down on the bed, the warmth of the blankets coaxing and teasing the possibility of a few more hours of sleep, you spotted a piece of paper on his pillow.

It was folded in half with your name written carefully on it with a heart, bringing a smile to your face before you had even read it.

Morning love, I promise I didn’t sneak off to work while you slept. I told you that nothing work related would interfere with our weekend, and I’m keeping it that way. So you’re probably wondering where the hell I am then. Don’t worry, I just went to the gym nearby for my morning workout. I should be back by noon, unless you’re still asleep by the time I return, then this letter will be pointless.

Either way, I’ll see you soon.

Always,

Your Muscle Bunny.

Despite the fact that he was still gone, a grin appeared and you were pressing your face into the pillow, still holding onto the letter as muffled giggles filled the room. He was never going to let you live that down, but even then, it was so true.

Hoseok was without a doubt jacked up and he took the time to research, spending hours understanding the muscles that he wanted to work on and finding the best exercises to achieve that. Making protein shakes in bulk. There had been many conversations where you’d ask and he’d go on and explain it all to you. At times it made you wonder why he never became a doctor.

But then there were those moments – the rare times the two of you managed to find time together – and he’d be the one tugging you closer for cuddles, sometimes laying on top of you with his head resting on your chest while watching a movie and playing with his hair. When it was hard to find time to meet up for dates, instead of going home to your roommates, you found love letters addressed from him, each one handwritten asking how you were and catching you up on his life. They were personal, each one containing a faint whiff of his cologne, sometimes little mementos that he thought you might enjoy, a slip of poetry or even ones he created himself. Every one you received was carefully placed in a box that you kept on your dresser, more often than not rereading them when all-nighters were the only way to get work done.

He was buff and strong, but at the same time he was soft and didn’t care who knew.

A true muscle bunny.

Rolling over on the bed, you set the note on the nightstand, making a mental note to save it for the memory box when you got back home. The clock had revealed that it was only eleven in the morning as you got out of the bed, quickly nabbing and covering yourself with the robe before going anywhere else.

Without having Hoseok home, the place was quiet as your footsteps papped against the wood floor when you went down the hallway to the bathroom. If he was at the gym then he’d be hightailing it to the shower, unless he wanted to be mean and give a sweaty hug, and you wanted to take advantage of the hot water before he got back. Living with a group of undergrads to try and save money had come with many pros and cons, but the true loss had been the long hot showers you treasured. It was a luxury if you were able to snag fifteen minutes without someone banging on the door.

The fact that he had written out a note instead of sending a text kept the smile floating as the water heated up, your favorite playlist playing loud enough to be heard from down the hall. It was the little things that he did that made you wonder if it was right to tell him those three special words. Since the two of you started dating, it was impossible to imagine yourself with anyone else, and while you didn’t want to jump the wagon and declare that you were ready for marriage, being able to say I love you and hear him tell it back to you, sent butterflies dancing in your stomach.

Reaching in to check the water, you hung the robe on the hook, glancing at your reflection in the mirror. Purple hickeys dotted all over your body, primarily centering around your breasts and neck. Unable to help yourself, you stepped closer to the mirror as you let down your hair, tracing the shape of the marks that he had left out of love last night.

When you thought back on it, he had been so focused on your breasts, his hands remained on either your hips or your face, tilting you constantly so that he could kiss you in whatever position he put you in. But never once had they touched your stomach. Eyes falling to your torso, the lack of any curves had you biting the insides of your mouth, ignoring the dulled pain as you swiped away the fog that had gathered on the mirror.

At least, you thought they had been out of love.

There were no curves. It was just a square. You were just a square. No wonder Hoseok had ignored your stomach last night. He was constantly working out and even with his abs and broad shoulders, his waist still had the slightest curve that was obvious when he wore tight shirts, giving his body the appearance of an upside-down triangle. He put in the time and effort for his muscles and here you were, just a square.

Your workout routine? The most of a workout that you got involved walking on campus to get to each class and then your car for home or work. You couldn’t remember the last time you had carved out a set amount of time to go to the gym or do a home workout. There was barely any time to yourself.

The hot water raining down on you was a momentary distraction from the thoughts swirling around. It only lasted a few short minutes. Like wildfire, they ignited memories and beliefs that you swore you had locked up and burnt to ash years ago. Especially when you have been doing so well recently.

Numbers of a scale rapidly spin each time you stand on it. The black and white numbers playing wheel of fortune as they decide your fate for the night. Did you lose? Or did you gain? The cards were always held by the ringmaster that was the small scale and whether or not they were what you originally wanted; they were never good enough when they were finally dealt out.

It was never enough. Never good enough. You always had to push it and even then, it wasn’t enough. The image you saw in the mirror convinced you to take smaller portions of meals, pushing the hours in-between meals before suddenly cutting off eating after a certain time, because the way your stomach twisted in pain and begged for some sort of substance had you convinced that it was working.

Days. Weeks. You’d be so good at keeping up with it, but there was always a hiccup that sent you plummeting in a spiral. It could be a snack, a small cherry tomato or even a cracker, and the next thing you knew all the containers were on the counter as you shoved whatever you could down your throat without a care in the word. Even then it wouldn’t be enough. It was never enough. You’d be eating, but your stomach would feel like a bottomless pit because you were so hungry. Hungry to the point that you wouldn’t be able to recall what the food you ate tasted like.

Then the scale would be mocking you all over again.

Leaning backwards against the wall, the water from the showerhead made it impossible to distinguish between the tears sliding down your face. You just pressed your lips together, just staring at the floral shower curtain that was hanging up, the shampoo bubbles sitting in your hair as you remained still.

You have been doing so good lately. The past hadn’t even been lingering thought and when Hoseok entered your life, everything just seemed to be falling in place.

Yet here you were, standing in the shower with water that was steaming but you felt nothing, rehashing old thoughts that were crawling their way through any empty space that was available. The tiniest crack of an opening was all they needed to enter uninvited.

He didn’t know about this. Hoseok. You had been so good with eating, no longer cutting back or bingeing that it never crossed your mind to tell him. But as you moved under the water to rinse out the suds, your fingers grazed the hickies he had left in his place. All over your chest and neck. Avoiding your stomach. Your thighs were barely even grazed. Everywhere but your stomach.

He knows, you thought, pressing the heels of your palms against your eyes, gasps and whimpers filling the bathroom but drowned out by the music as you cried. There was no other way to explain it. He saw what you used to see, what you still see. The square. Nothing more than a body with rolls that hung on you. It was a miracle he was able to still have sex with you last night. How could he be with someone like you when it was so obvious that he put effort into maintaining his own body.

Body on autopilot, your hands went through the motions of washing out your hair and then applying conditioner while your mind detached itself from the mundane task at hand. The idea of him seeing you like this, with no shape at all, what you considered to be a square...no. A square was too nice of a term. You were not a square. A glance through the opening of the curtain let you see your reflection in the mirror, and your eyes watered up once again. Not a square, you thought. A blob. A fat, overweight blob, taking up his time and space.

Twisting your hair, you stared at the locks as water poured out before abruptly shutting it off, fingers gripping the handle that controlled the temperature as you pressed your free palm against the wall. The bathroom was like a sauna. Even after with the water shut off, the room was hotter than hell.

You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to push away those thoughts. They were leeches clinging to the inside of your mind and no matter how much you pulled, they weren't coming off. In a daze you manage to straighten up and get out of the shower, wrap a towel around yourself and hair, all while biting down on the inside of your cheeks in an attempt to push them away. When you looked up however, the smear mark from when you wiped the fog off the mirror was still there, allowing you glimpses at yourself. For a split second you saw bloodshot eyes stared back and purple hickeys staring at you, but you looked down towards the floor to hurry out of the room, unable to push those thoughts and images away.

That’s because it’s you.

That blob is you.

It’s you.

Last night was wonderful. Beautiful. Perfect even. But now all you could think about was how Hoseok had avoided certain areas of you on purpose. That perhaps, he didn’t think you were as beautiful as he thought.

You didn’t recall changing. One second you were entering the bedroom in nothing but a towel and the next when you looked down to grip the fabric tighter, you were dressed in one of his black t-shirts and a pair of panties you had packed.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, the towel fell from your fingertips and in an attempt to hold on to something, anything to keep you from floating away, you slid them over your face and into your hair, twisting and gripping the locks until there was a hard ache on the side of your scalp.

“Go away,” you softly whispered, tugging a little hard to make those pesky leeches leave you. “Please go away. Please”

They needed to go. Disappear. It didn’t matter if you had to burn them to a crisp and leave behind a permanent scar. You just needed them to go away, because spiraling was not an option. Not again.

The house was silent when Hoseok arrived, his keys jangling together until he closed his fist around them, making him wonder if perhaps you were still asleep. A small smile formed as he quietly toed his shoes off, the first destination in his mind was to go to the bedroom and see if you were there.

Last night, neither of you had gone to sleep, or truly slept, until dawn had begun to peep through the curtains – because apparently the night didn’t last forever like the two of you had thought. A fault that was perhaps all on him and he should have known better. He was supposed to be older, wiser, more experienced, but how people liked to forget that he was still a man only in his twenties. Just…later in them.

But as he neared the bedroom, he remembered full well how you had wrapped your limbs around him, coaxing him back for more, kissing him not only on his lips but in everyplace where his skin wasn’t dotted with purple love marks from you.

Since he wore tank tops to work out in, the marks had certainly left an impression on the guys at the gym, receiving more head nods and grins than usual. The older man at the jewelry store however, had been less impressed. Then again, that could also be because Hoseok had gone straight there after working out, skipping out on his shower to pick up his order before the store closed for the day.

Not exactly the best decision that he’s made in life so far.

Carefully pushing open the bedroom door, his smile softened upon seeing you curled up on the bed. Not wanting to disturb you, he quietly set the box on his nightstand and left the room, going straight for the bathroom to shower.

As much as he would have loved to tease you, you didn’t deserve waking up to him smelling like dried sweat.

However, he frowned upon seeing the floor mats placed on the floor and condensation covering the mirror, droplets of water covering the entire surface of the bathroom. He turned to look down the hall, but he couldn’t hear any movements or your voice calling out his name.

Maybe she was still tired even after showering, Hoseok thought, shrugging it off as he shut the door behind him, hoping you hadn’t used up all the hot water.

Water dripped from his hair as he entered the bedroom, the towel tightly tied around his hips and confirming every single imagination and daydream. A glance over at your body revealed that you hadn’t moved at all in the time that he was gone.

Smirking, he kneeled on the bed, moving until he was behind you, pressing a hand on the mattress in front of you to maintain his balance while he leaned down to kiss your neck.

“Wake up love,” Hoseok murmured, dragging out the kisses as he took his sweet time in trailing them up to your jawline, last night once again reclaiming his mind. It was a joke to even consider that it had left in the first place.

He wasn’t going to lie and say that he hadn’t missed the sex when the two of you were apart more often than not, sex was great, amazing, otherworldly and even more with you. But that wasn’t even number one on his list. More often than not, he missed being able to sling an arm around your shoulders or waist to bring you in for a hug. The way that your fingers would run through his hair when you thought he was asleep, and the way your eyes always lit up when you talked about something that happened in your classes. Or when you would bump his leg with your foot to ask him about a word that was just on the tip of your tongue, but just conveniently out of reach at that second. It was always a simple word, but the way you exaggerated your arm motions while trying to describe it were fascinating to him.

Hoseok missed you.

Feeling you shift underneath him, his lips curled into a smile as he lifted his head, prepared to give you a kiss that you deserved, only for that mindset to suddenly change when he saw your watery eyes.

That was not how you normally woke up.

The last time he had seen you crying after waking up was when you had gotten your period in the middle of night. It had been a week early and the cramps came out of nowhere, leaving him clueless with what to do but willing to do anything to help ease the pain. Which meant a late-night run to the twenty-four hour convenience store, looking at a picture of the brand of pads you used on his phone, along with buying your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream and the big bottle of Advil.

He already had a heating pad at home for days when he overworked himself and his muscles got sore. Before leaving for the convenience store, he had set it up for you.

“What’s wrong love?” Hoseok asked, shifting so that his weight was on his left hand behind your back, hovering over your body to try and see your face better.

Before he could do it for you, you were quickly wiping your face with the heels of your palms. “Nothing,” you hurried to say, moving to sit up with the mindset of rushing out of the bedroom to make a run for the bathroom, hoping he would believe that it was a simple eyelash in your eye.

But he was too quick for you, his hand gently capturing your wrists and moving them down as he cupped your chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Baby, it’s not nothing. What happened while I was gone?”

Sniffling, you shook your head. No. Why would you point out the obvious? He knew what you looked like. He saw. So why was he playing this game with you?

He sighed at your stubbornness, but that didn’t mean he was going to give up. Not caring if he got the blankets and sheets wet, he settled down beside you and slipped an arm underneath your body to roll you over and into his embrace where he securely wrapped his other arm over you. Once you were nestled in, Hoseok rested his chin on top of your head, drawing a lazy shape on your back, patiently waiting for the moment that you found your voice again.

The second Hoseok hugged you, the back of your eyes burned and you tightly squeezed them shut, not wanting to see anything, an old way to tell yourself that if you couldn’t see, then you wouldn’t have to see what was being reflected back at you.

But wrapped up in Hoseok’s arms, with his heart beating like a sweet lullaby, arms strong enough to fight off anyone who tried to hurt you, even he was unable to find and protect you from the leeches that forced you down the path that was littered with the broken glass and bloodstains that was your past.

His heart broke at the sound of your cries echoing in the bedroom, feeling the tears slide down his chest as he rubbed your shaking body. There was nothing he could do or say to make you feel better until he understood what was happening. All he could do was be here to hold you until you were ready.

Time passed by slowly, but at some point, the tears began to dry up, and the gasps for air had calmed down, allowing you to be able to breathe normally again. The only time you had physically moved was to cling to Hoseok, despite not wanting to tell him what was swirling around in your mind, you didn’t want him to leave you.

A blob.

You’re just a fat blob.

Do you really need to eat lunch today?

“Make it stop,” you whimpered, fingers clenching on the pillow behind Hoseok as your fist dug into his back.

His body jerked at the new bump but he ignored that, choosing to focus on what you were saying. You didn’t know it, but the entire time you had been crying, tears had fallen silently down his cheeks as he watched them fall into your hair. He hated seeing you in pain.

“Make what stop love?” He softly asked, moving a hand to be able to stroke your cheek.

“My mind,” you cried, not yelling, but your voice cracked as the emotions swirling inside you forced it to raise. “Please, make it stop. Shut it off, anything, please.  Please, make it stop!”

If the world was to crash down around him, Hoseok knew that it would only take seconds, or even minutes, for it to crash and end him. Six months ago, you had agreed to go on a blind date set up by a friend of yours who had gotten a tattoo done by Hoseok. It had been a spur of the moment, neither of you really searching for anyone, but the thought of being in the company of another person instead of alone had tempted both of you enough to say yes.

Six months ago, you became his entire world and here you were, crashing around him, begging for him to stop whatever it was that was going on in your mind. Something that he had no feasible solution for. If he knew how to fight the demons that only you were able to see, he’d do it in a heartbeat. But he couldn’t, and knowing that, had him feeling like he was failing you in every possible way imaginable.

Gently, Hoseok shifted your body and moved you next to him on the bed, and when you tried to look away, he cupped the side of your face with a tilt in his direction. There was no avoiding in seeing the pools of tears building up and over his eyes.

“Tell me what’s wrong love,” he whispered, stroking your cheek once more. “You’re scaring me, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this.”

God, he was hurting. You hadn’t expected him to react in such a way.

Lie. Tell him you’re fine. He’ll believe it if you believe it.

You’re fine.

Everything’s fine.

Wetting your lips, you repeatedly opened and closed them, feeling like a damned fish unable to breathe and in search of water. Instead of suffocating, you were drowning.

“I…”

An ache built up in your stomach, reminding you that you truly hadn’t eaten anything since last night. Twisting and curling, the sharpness of running on empty was the cold kiss from a toxic lover. Memories of binging on food after midnight cuddled you from behind, weighing you down with iron shackles locked around your stomach.

“I…”

Skip lunch, eat a little bit of dinner so he won’t worry.

Tell him that you’re fine.

“Please love,” Hoseok begged, his fingers smoothing back locks of hair that had begun to fall in your face. “I can’t help if you don’t tell me. You don’t need to carry this by yourself.”

Lie dammit.

“I’m starving,” you whispered, watching his eyebrows pull together, fingers pausing on your skin but you reached up with a shaky hand to cover his, gripping tightly. “It hurts. So much Hoseok, but I don’t want to eat. I tell myself that it’s better if it hurts, but I…I can’t anymore…I can’t.”

The leeches were shrieking in your mind, white tips of a burning fire were touching them and they were dropping to the ground, yet the fire didn’t hurt one bit. For the first time in so long, the shackles of your secret came undone allowing you to step away from the broken path you had set yourself on.

Hoseok had turned his hand to run his thumb across your knuckles, the realization of what you meant hitting him. Eyes watering up, he opened his mouth to speak, only there were no words that felt right. You were hurting so much right now, the last thing he wanted to do was say the wrong thing without meaning to.

But like a dam that had suddenly burst, the words that he couldn’t find, were flooding out of your mouth. “I…I was so good, better than I have been in years, but last night and this morning, it was one thing after another and I couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t stop my mind from going there and it was all I could think about and I…I don’t want to think like that anymore. I don’t wanna be that person anymore.”

“Last night,” Hoseok softly repeated. What had he done the night before, a night that he had thought was so perfect, that was able to nearly cripple you this morning? The idea that he hurt you without even knowing it made him clench down on the inside of his cheeks.

You shook your head, knowing that you weren’t saying it right, implying that it had been his fault when it hadn’t. “While you were gone, I was showering and I…it’s so fucking stupid, but I saw my reflection and your note saying you were at the gym I just, I just started comparing myself to you. You’re always working out, doing what you can to stay fit and it was like years of self-hatred suddenly came back, reminding me of how gross I was, how fat I am and I couldn’t stop it…it was like once it came back it wasn’t going to leave and I – ”

Except you didn’t get to finish. Between the tears once again clogging your throat and Hoseok yanking you back to his chest, his shoulders shaking as he started crying because there was no way in hell he was able to hold it in anymore. The words died off, but you both knew where it was heading.

The fabric of his shirt that you wore wrinkled under his hands, the soft fabric of the towel that he wore grazed your legs. How it hadn’t managed to come undone from all the moving around was a tiny thought that stuck inside your brain.

“Don’t.” Hoseok’s arms tightened around you, almost painfully, but his grip was in only one arm as the mattress dipped underneath your bodies, and the next thing you knew he was pulling you to sit on his lap as he sat up with his back against the headboard. His eyes were rimmed red, cheeks flushed. There wasn’t a time where you recalled being able to compare his eyes to an ocean. Not until now at least.

His chest was heaving as he leaned his head back against the wood with a soft thump, bottom lip trembling while trying to form together something to say. Words. He needed words. “I…you never…not once did you say anything to me.”

“Because I was good when we met,” you cried. “I hadn’t been doing anything, and I’ve been so good this entire time, but this morning it was like…like I was suddenly drowning in it because it’s always been like this, always coming in waves. And I wanted to start it all over again.”

Despite how much it hurt, how hungry it made you, there was that painful satisfaction of seeing the numbers go down on that evil scale. To be able to wear the clothes that you never could before. The way your stomach aches and cries out at one, two in the morning yet you deny it the simplest thing it wanted, because for a period of time, you were the one in charge. You had control over what was happening in your life and it…it was fucking addicting.

“But you’re already so small.”

The tears had slowed down, always slipping down his cheeks faster when he thought of how long you’ve been hurting, and he had never known.

Bottom lip trembling, somehow, you managed the weakest of smiles, voice cracking as you spoke. “I know.”

You always had been, but the reflection you saw in the mirror, never was real. For years you were purging yourself of a you that never once existed.

The person that Hoseok saw when you thought he wasn’t looking, the one who gently swayed to her favorite music, who had a love affair with words and their meanings but more often than not forgot them. The woman he saw who, on their third date hurried him over to the park to watch the fireflies dance in the night sky because they were the only type of bugs that you liked, and the woman who he reached out for when waking up first thing in the morning even if he hadn’t spent the night at your apartment, was not the same one that you saw.

You saw a version of yourself that you hated, so much so that the only way you would be happy with your reflection, was to destroy yourself.

Instead of speaking, Hoseok simply hugged you tightly to him, resting his head against yours as he felt you curl yourself around him. To say that this wasn’t how he had pictured this morning to go was a mild statement, but as he left a gentle kiss on your shoulder, he simply wanted to love you, and show you what it was like to be loved.

Time ticked by slowly, but when Hoseok finally lifted his head off yours, the tears had stopped falling leaving his eyes itchy and dry. He barely glanced at the clock on his nightstand. Instead, his gaze went to the black jewelry box he had set there. With everything that’s happened, he forgot that he had even picked it up.

“It’s – it’s not my place to tell you what to think,” he softly said, reaching over to retrieve the box. He felt you shifting and knew that you were watching him, a glance at you showed the curious frown you wore. “But I think you’re wrong. To me, you’re not gross. You’re not overweight. Ever since that blind date, six months ago, you’re the only woman who I care about.”

Without any ceremony, he held the box out for you to take, gently smiling and nodding when you looked up at him as if to ask if it really was for you.

Carefully, you opened the lid, feeling your heart nearly collapse at the sight of the necklace that delicately laid a bronze gold heart on the white fabric. On the side sat a tiny firefly, and in the center in elegant cursive read, ‘You’re the reason why my heart beats.’

“I love you,” Hoseok finally confessed. Lifting a hand, he brushed the hair back out of your face, his fingers gently grazing your cheek as he did so. “All I want is for you to be happy, love. You mean the world to me, and I want to help you through this. To me, you’re the most beautiful woman in the world and I wouldn’t change a single thing about you, but now that I know that’s not what you see, then I’ll help you. So that one day, you might be able to see what I see. Whenever that may be.”

His image blurred once more. Instead of hiding your face from him, or wanting to get away in general, you reached up to pull him down for a kiss despite the tears. Each one was short and sweet, but like an addiction, you kept going back for just one more.

Even if he didn’t understand it completely, or maybe he did, but he was willing to learn to help, because that wasn’t a life you wanted anymore. You just…you just didn’t know what to do, or how to do it by yourself. Not when those leeches were able to corrupt such an amazing night in seconds.

Hoseok wasn’t one to break away from a kiss but this time, he leaned back to take the necklace from you, undoing the clasp and hooking it on for you. The heart rested right in the middle of your chest. Right where it belonged.

“Now, I know I promised to not bring home any work,” Hoseok said, gently wiping away a few stray tears on your cheek. “But I remember you talking about getting that tattoo done one day. If you want, I can do it for you.”

“I never decided where though.”

His eyes softened. “I heard someone talking about this thing called the butterfly project. The idea is to draw a butterfly in the place where you’d hurt yourself, and by having it there, it’s supposed to help stop those urges. Maybe…maybe we can do something like that.”

The room fell silent.

You had been wanting to get your fireflies tattooed for years now. They were a favorite reminder of a simpler time. When the world was kind and beautiful and not harsh like you had painfully learned it to be. Sitting here with Hoseok, he served as the reminder that despite the hurt, there was always hope nearby. Whether it was from him, the world, or even deep within yourself.

Hope and love had a funny way of coming together in the darkest hours of our lives.

The tattoo gun buzzed loudly in the kitchen.

Hoseok pressed his lips together, eyebrows pulling in concentration as his gloved hands skillfully moved the machine while he began the process of outlining the cluster of fireflies on your thigh. When this was all over, there would be fireflies flying around at dusk on your body forever.

It was something you loved, in a spot that you passionately disliked, but even now you smiled. Because how could you look at something you loved with hatred?

None of this was going to be easy. Gazing at Hoseok, a small smile appeared. Perhaps he felt your gaze on him, but as he lifted the gun to wipe the area, he glanced up at you. A soft smile instantly appeared.

This wasn’t going to suddenly fix things. That was far from the truth. But that was okay because in reality, that was life. There was the good, the bad, and everything in between that got thrown at you.

Life isn’t perfect, but with Hoseok…it felt like it was.

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[schnitzelbutterfingers]

The Stroke of Midnight (Ethan Ramsey x f!MC)

Book/Pairing(s): Open Heart/ Dr. Ethan Ramsey x f!MC (Dr. Abigail “Abby” Chacko)

Word Count: 2175

Summary: How would they get their New Year’s kiss if there are obstacles in their way?

Category: Angst with a happy ending

Warning(s): hospitalization (car accident, coma, fainting, depression, anxiety) kissing (ofc, it’s New Year’s Eve-)

______________________________________________________________

December 29th, 2020 (9:52 P.M.)

Abby loathed it. 

She loathed wearing those damn masks that made her suffocate. She loathed wearing at least three pieces of clothing, which got her all sweaty and sticky. Best of all, she loathed COVID-19. 

Damn every single human that doesn’t know how to social distance.

She got it. She knew how it felt to not spend time with her dear friends. She knew how it felt to not go to gorgeous beaches and get her tans. 

But this whole pandemic would be over if everyone followed the damn rules. People are acting as if they are seeing their families for the first time. Airplanes flying across the sky with every seat filled. Beaches filled with women in bikinis and men in shorts. Parties filled with people and alcohol. 

Abby is wholeheartedly done.

She recollected how Seb and Amma when they couldn’t come to Boston for the Christmas and New Year’s celebrations because of the fast-spreading virus. Even if she missed her family, she video-called them with Ethan, laughing and sharing joy with one another.

The moment of tranquility at that time inhabited her memories as more patients filled the ER, the moans and groans of pain settling in the overcrowded room. With a sigh, she got back to work, tending to them who may possibly have COVID. 

After placing one patient in the ventilator after she had trouble breathing, the junior resident went to the diagnostics room to take a break. It was depressing to call their families and tell them the heartbreaking words that their loved ones might not make it. And for a bonus point, during the holidays.

And it’s already depressing enough that Ethan hadn’t called her yet. He was supposed to here now; his shift was going to start in 5 minutes. Habitually, he got here early, either to finish paperwork or to start his rounds. The fact that he is not here know made her stomach feel wary.

She jolted at the beeping of her pager, signalling her to the ER room. I wasn’t even gone for five minutes.

Reluctantly, she went back down to the ER. She could see figures not far, and a bloodied man. Automatically, her thoughts went to calling his family about this accident. She hated heeding the cries coming out of their mouths, wishing she could do anything, anything, in her power to to save their loved one. But she prompted herself that she tried her full hardest.

Thrusting those thoughts aside, she rushed down to the patient. Suddenly, a pair of hands ceased her from taking another step forward. Naveen.

“Abby, don’t go down there,” Naveen said, worriedly. Huh?

Abby was confused and impatient. “What are you talking about? I’m a doctor. I can help him!”

Naveen replied in a hushed, soothing kind of tone. “There are other doctors there. They’ll tend to-”

Just then a paramedic came, someone the Chacko doesn’t know. “Patient is Ethan Ramsey, age-”

The world stopped. People annulled their motions. At least, that’s what she concluded. Her pulse, however, grew rapid. Her eyes widened. In horrible fear? In terrible anguish? In emotional pain? She doesn’t even know. 

“...Naveen? Please don’t tell me it’s who I think it is.”

“...I’m so sorry, Abigail. His car was hit by a truck and it rolled over a few times. He will be okay, I promise-”

But she’s not so certain. She wanted to slap herself. To cut herself, for ever thinking that. But even she took a look at Ethan. He’s covered in blood. She couldn’t even recognize him. 

“No...”

Then, she said it louder.

 NO! NO! ETHAN! ETHAAAN! Let me go. LET ME GO! NAVEEN, LET ME GO!!” Abby struggled, trying to release herself from Naveen’s grip. He was maintaining a vice-like grip on her, murmuring soothing words that he will be alright.

But she couldn’t make out anything. The world was spiraling, and so was she. 

“...Ethan...”

In one blink she fell onto the floor, her knees making an uncomfortable thud on the white tiles, and her vision went black.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

December 30th, 2020 (10:06 A.M.)

The first thing she overheard was the beeping of a heart monitor. Next, she saw the IV going through her arm. She found out she was lying on an uncomfortable bed, sunlight streaming through the windows. Finally, she sees the Chief with an anxious face.

“Abigail! Ladoo, are you alright?” Naveen asked, concerned.

Only one word came out of her mouth. A name. “Ethan...”

She placed everything now. The bloodied body of Ethan Ramsey. Her true love. Unconscious. Unaware of any of her calls. She gasped out.

“Ethan! Naveen, where is Ethan? Where-”

Abby couldn’t breathe. She is suffocating. And she wasn’t even wearing one of those damn masks.

“Abby, deep breaths,” Naveen soothingly commanded.

She did as she was advised. Her breathing got normal, but her pulse didn’t.

“Naveen! Where is Ethan? Is he alright? Where-”

“Ladoo. Ethan is in the ICU, currently in a coma. He had a major surgery in his lung and chest. Thankfully, the surgeons stopped the blood loss. He had two broken ribs and a broken arm.”

Abby couldn’t get that first sentence out of her mind. “He’s... in a coma?”

The senior doctor sighed profoundly. “Yes, Abigail. We don’t know when he will wake up.”

We don’t know when he will wake up.

A tear spilled out of her eye, but she forced herself to swab it away. She will not break down. At least not now. Finally, she cared enough to question about herself.

“...What’s wrong with me?”

A sigh pulled out of Naveen’s mouth again. “You fainted after you had heard the news about Ethan. Your blood pressure increased. Fortunately, you’re fine now. I’ve informed Seb and Jazmin about this. They sensed you would be uncomfortable with talking about Ethan now, so they’ve decided to give you some space.”

She was appreciative. For having the best brother and mother. She treasured them. Too much. “I’ll shoot them a quick text message later. For now, I’m going to Ethan’s room. Where is he?”

“Abi-”

“Please. I want to see him.”

With a defeated sigh, Naveen and a nurse aided her onto a plastic wheelchair, much to her annoyance. She could walk fine, she’s not paralyzed or anything.

Abby was wheeled down the familiar hospital hall as nurses and doctors kept sparing pitiful glances. She didn’t need pity. She needed Ethan.

She walked into the room, preparing herself for what she was going to see. She wasn’t prepared at all.

Ethan was wearing a hospital gown and looked exhausted. His eyes were closed and he looked calm. Peaceful. Tranquility.

Some of her friends were already there. Bryce, Sienna, Jackie, Elijah, Rafael. They knew Abby would want to see her love. Some of them whispered comforting words. Others patted her on the shoulder. They all left her, and soon, she was alone with her fiance.

She started. “Hi, Ethan. It’s me, Rookie.”

She looked at the calendar. December 30. 

“Two more days till this horrible year is over. Life always throws us curveballs, don’t they?”

Silence.

She sighed. “Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. Couples are supposed to kiss each other at the stroke of midnight. I need to feel your lips on mine at midnight. Please.”

The tears she tried to hold fell out like a dam breaking. She broke out in sobs.

“Please, Ethan. I... I can’t live without you in this damn world. If you die, I die, Ethan. I die. Please. I wanna feel you lips on mine at midnight. We planned so much for the future. Please. We’re engaged. We’ll be married next year. We’re hoping to build a family. With Jenner, as our third wheel. Please wake up, wake up, wake up. I love you too damn much.”

She whispered the last sentence. She tangled his hand in hers and held them tight. He may be in a coma now, but she’ll sing a song for him now. 

The sun comes up It's a new day dawning It's time to sing your song again

She takes a deep breath to keep her voice from cracking. Whatever may pass And whatever lies before me Let me be singing When the evening comes

Bless The Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship his holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship your holy name

She sighed. He didn’t move, but something told her that he will move soon. 

“Rest now, my love. I’ll be waiting for that kiss when you wake up.”

He didn’t wake up that day.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 31st, 2020 (11:40 P.M.)

Abby was with him yesterday and planned to stay in his room the whole night, until Naveen discharged her and gently forced her into an on-call room. It’s amusing how he thinks the 22 years old would get any sleep. She wanted to be in Ethan’s comforting arms. Him stroking her musky brunette hair. Her wrapping her narrow arms around his waist. Sleeping under the brilliant moonlight. But now, the coma threatened to take away that lifelong dream.

It was 11:40 P.M. on New Year’s Eve, and Abby was still waiting for that midnight kiss. He promised he would kiss her at 12:00 A.M. He didn’t have any problems in doing that. If so, he would have told Abby. He didn’t have to go into a coma to hamper it. Abby would still love him.

Abby was looking at the wall, staring at it blankly as she clasped his hand and gave it a squeeze, hoping for it to jerk. And minutes later, it did.

The first jerk got her out of her train of thoughts. The second jerk made her look at his bruised face, hopeful for a holiday miracle. The third jerk made him slowly open his eyes, his familiar hand gently stroking her thumb as to figure out who is next to him. 

She gently fastened her eyes. Oh no, what if he loses his memory? It was a serious car accident after all. Stop it, Abby, Naveen didn’t mention a head injury. Oh no, what if he was lying? What if he was trying to make me feel better? What-

“Rookie...?” She looked back at her, only to observe Ethan staring intently at her, with a slight glimmer.

“Ethan...” She couldn’t hold back the tears this time. 

The ocean eyes lost glimmer and instead widened with evident alarm. “Abby, don’t cry. What happened?”

Abby released a tremulous breath, one that she barely knew she was holding. “A truck hit you car and it flipped a few times. You were in it. You had a major surgery in your lung and chest. The surgeons stopped your blood loss just in time. You have two broken ribs and a broken arm. And you were in a coma.”

If Ethan wasn’t alert before, then he definitely is after hearing her last statement. “I was in a coma? For how long?”

“Just for a day, luckily. It’s New Year’s Eve.”

She looked at her watch. 

“... 11:55 P.M.”

Ethan nodded his head slowly, before gently stroking her cheek to wipe away the salty droplets of water. “Rookie, don’t cry. I’m awake now, am I not?”

She broke. Again. 

“B-but, I th-thought you wouldn’t m-make it. I thought y-you would never w-wake up. I thought o-our future was de-destroyed. I thought I would ne-never see you bl-blue eyes again. I thought-”

She gave up saying the last sentence and the first sob came out. Ethan’s heart broke piece by piece before shattering. 

“Lie down with me.”

She was hesitant. “But w-what if I h-hurt you?”

“You won’t,” Ethan assured. “I want to hold you.”

Slowly, she got up from the uncomfortable plastic chair and gently lied down with him. Her hand came around his waist, mindful of his injuries. Ethan’s hand went to the daily job of stroking her hair down. 

“I’m right here. Our dream will never be shattered as long as we have each other’s hearts. Even if I did die-”

“Ethan, stop-”

“No, Abigail, let me say this. Even if I did die, our hearts would be mended together. If you died, I would never love someone else again. You would be mine always, no matter what happens. My heart would belong to you and only you.”

Joyful and comforting tears obscured her vision. “I love you, Ethan.”

“I love you, too, Rookie. To the squares of infinity.”

Just then, they both heard the countdown. 11:59 P.M.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

“Are you ready?” Ethan asked.

Six.

Five.

Abby smiled. “Hell yeah, I am.”

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

And their lips met at the stroke of midnight, fulfilling his promise.

“Happy New Year, Abigail.” The former attending said, a beautiful grin adoring his face.

“Happy New Year, Ethan.” Abby returned with the same grin.

As sleep was overtaking both of them with colorful fireworks decorating the night sky, Abby managed to ponder on one more thought.

Good riddance, 2020.

notes: If you’ve made it this far, thank you!

notes 2: Happy New Year, and good riddance! Let’s all pray for a good year this time. I wrote this fic in one day, and I am pretty impressed of myself. But I thought I would give you one more fic as this year comes to a close. Forgive me if there were any spelling mistakes or grammar errors. Thanks for reading, and hope you enjoyed! ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ

tags: @missmiimiie @aylamwrites @starrystarrytrouble @udishaman @caseyvalentineramsey @queencarb @choicesstan1 @newcolonies @arcticrivers @angela8756 @takemyopenheart @rookie-ramsey @ohchoices​ @ohvamsey @ohramsey @natureblooms24 @drariellevalentine @maurine07 @lucy-268 @drakewalkerfantasy @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @gryffindordaughterofathena

@openheartfanfics

@choicesficwriterscreations

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