TBOSAS on Crack short take (75)
*The wrong phone call*
Sejanus: Hey, Babe.
Coryo: Yes, Babe?
Sejanus: Can I ask you a question?
Coryo: What’s wrong? Are you being bullied again?
Sejanus: No. I-
Coryo: Who was it? Was it Jubilee? Peacekeeper Joe? I’ll ask Urban and Pup to fight them for us.
Sejanus: No need! I just want to know someone’s phone number.
Coryo: But you already have our phone numbers. Even Arachne’s and Livia’s.
Sejanus: I know.😔
Coryo: So who do you want to call? Lepidus Malmsey? Lucky Flickerman?
Sejanus: Oh, Panem, no. I don’t like weird magical clowns.
Coryo: Mama Cardew?
Sejanus: Heck, no! She might even kill me with my family’s taxes.
Coryo: President Ravinstill?
Sejanus: He’s a dinosaur.
Coryo: Mrs. Aurelia Ravinstill?
Sejanus: Aurelia? Who’s that?
Coryo: The Vice President of Panem.
Sejanus: Oh, she’s the one who’s extremely allergic to charity, poor people, and homeless Hilari!😀
Coryo: Yes, that’s right.
Sejanus: At least our poor Felix didn’t inherit his mean mother’s explosive temper.
Coryo: Fortunately.
Sejanus: Thank Panem.
Coryo: So who is it?
Sejanus: Who’s what?
Coryo: Who do you want to call?
Sejanus: Oh, right! I almost forgot. Do you perhaps know the phone number of Professor Sickle?
Coryo: No. Why?
Sejanus: I accidentally left my ✨Bread Body Bag✨ inside her office yesterday and I really need it back before my Ma finds out.
Coryo: You left your precious B.B.B inside Professor Sickle’s office?!
Sejanus: Yeah, but to be fair, I was busy searching for something very important-
Coryo: You were busy searching for my pretty feet pics, weren’t you?
Sejanus: And Creed’s.
Coryo: I knew it.😑
Sejanus: So. . .
Coryo: Ask Ney Ney. She’s her fam.
Sejanus: Ok! Whatever you say, my love!😍 *turns to Vipsania* Hey, Ney Ney!
Vipsania: *is sleeping like a pure little lamb*
Sejanus: She’s asleep.☹️
Coryo: Not for long.
Sejanus: What do you mean?
Coryo: Hey, Ney Ney, your beloved dumbbells and expensive running shoes are on fire! They’re on fire!
Vipsania: *immediately wakes up* Call the fire brigade and Creed’s working ambulance right now!
Coryo: I’m poor.
Vipsania: Call my daddy too!
Sejanus: Ney Ney, calm down. We’re just kidding-
Vipsania: But don’t tell my mommy! She will celebrate my demise!😭
Coryo: Vipsania Sickle, for the love of Panem, do you know your auntie’s phone number?!
Vipsania: My auntie’s what?
Coryo: Phone number!
Vipsania: Why?
Coryo: My boyfriend needs it.
Sejanus: I’m Coryo’s boyfriend.😀
Coryo: We know, Babe.
Sejanus: Just saying.
Vipsania: What do I get in return?
Coryo: What do you want?
Vipsania: The latest treadmill?
Sejanus: Deal!
Vipsania: Fine. Give me your phone. I’ll call her myself.
Festus: *walks in* Hey, guys!
Vipsania: Hey, Creed!
Hilarius: We’re back!
Apollo: We brought snacks!
Diana: Banana!
Felix: Hey, Coryo, I brought you your daily cabbage. Catch!
Coryo: Thanks, Class Pres! You’re the best!
Felix: You’re welcome.
Sejanus: How about me?😀
Coryo: You’re my boyfriend. You’re always the best in my eyes, Babe.
Sejanus: Coryo, kiss.😘
Coryo: Later.
Sejanus: When?
Coryo: After lunch.
Sejanus: Broom closet?🥺
Coryo: As always.
Sejanus: Yey!
Hilarius: How about me?😀
Coryo: No.
Hilarius: But I want a kiss too.😢
Coryo: Get your own sugar daddy.
Hilarius: Hey, Felix!
Felix: No.
Hilarius: Is your crazy President Gran Gran still available?
Felix: What the f*ck, Hilari!
Hilarius: Is he?
Felix: He’s like a hundred years old! He’s a dinosaur!
Hilarius: Just asking.
Felix: Don’t ask me again.
Hilarius: Is your daddy available?
Felix: He’s happily married!
Hilarius: How about your crazy uncle Achilles? Is he available?
Felix: He’s in prison!
Hilarius: For what?
Felix: For smuggling fireworks.
Hilarius: That’s illegal?
Felix: No. He just wanted to fly.
Hilarius: Dammit.
Coryo: Bro, I thought that you were pregnant with Strabo Plinth’s baby.
Hilarius: Oh, that’s right! Thanks for reminding me, Snowy.
Coryo: Anytime, virgin.
Hilarius: Sejanus, pay up.
Sejanus: Ask my old man.
Hilarius: Mr. Plinth scares me and I need money right now.
Sejanus: I’m not paying child support.
Hilarius: But we’re family!
Sejanus: You’re not my Coryo and you’re not carrying my baby!
Coryo: That’s right!
Hilarius: But good sir, my poor miracle baby is still your half brother!
Sejanus: Your fake baby with Strabo Plinth is not my half brother!
Hilarius: Half sister?
Sejanus: You’re dead to me.
Hilarius: Coryo, help!😫
Coryo: Lol. I’m recording this.
Festus: So what’s up?
Vipsania: We’re calling my auntie.
Festus: What for?
Felix: Are we in trouble?
Hilarius: Is the gym on fire?
Apollo: Are we dancing again?
Diana: Banana?
Coryo: No. My Seji Pie left his precious B.B.B inside her office yesterday.
Diana: B.B.B?
Coryo: Bread Body Bag.
Festus: Lol. His Ma will kill him.
Sejanus: My Ma will kill me.🥲
Vipsania: Then stop crying and whining and give me your most expensive phone right now.
Sejanus: Here.
Vipsania: Thanks. *starts pressing random numbers*
Festus: Yo, it’s ringing!
Coryo: Obviously.🙄
Felix: Are we even allowed to call Professor Sickle?
Hilarius: Calling your auntie is not illegal, Class Pres.
Felix: In my family, it is.
Vipsania: Well, she’s my aunt and I’m her favorite niece. She’ll answer my calls. Just you wait.
Felix: Turn the volume up. I want to hear the conversation.
Apollo: I wanna hear it too!
Diana: Banana?🥺
Vipsania: Fine. There.
Com.Hoff: *picks up the phone* Hello? This is District 12’s Commander Hoff speaking.
Coryo: Commander who?
Felix: District 12?
Vipsania: Auntie?😀
Sejanus: *quickly grabs the phone* Professor, I’m so sorry but can you give me back my precious ✨Bread Body Bag✨?!
Com.Hoff: Your what?
Sejanus: My body bag!
Com.Hoff: Body bag? What body bag?!
Sejanus: Are you Professor Sickle?
Com.Hoff: Are you a rebel?
Sejanus: A what?
Com.Hoff: Are you a rebel?!
Sejanus: No. I’m baby.
Com.Hoff: Tell me the truth, boy!
Sejanus: I’m baby!
Com.Hoff: Are you stupid?!
Coryo: *grabs the phone* Why are you shouting at my sugar daddy, you creep?!
Com.Hoff: Sugar daddy?!
Coryo: He pays for my bills and groceries!
Com.Hoff: So?
Coryo: Creep.
Com.Hoff: I’m not a creep!
Hilarius: Are you a pole dancer?
Com.Hoff: A what?!
Hilarius: A pole dancer!
Com.Hoff: I’m the commander!
Hilarius: A commanding pole dancer?
Felix: Is that a new position?
Apollo: Cool.
Com.Hoff: No!
Festus: How much do you make?
Diana: How much for a dance?
Com.Hoff: Where’s the body bag?!
Coryo: None of your business!
Com.Hoff: Tell me now!
Coryo: No! My Seji Pie will cry!
Sejanus: I will cry!
Com.Hoff: Where are you?
Coryo: Where are you?!
Com.Hoff: I’m in District 12!
Coryo: You’re a forest hippie and a pole dancer?!
Diana: Nice! A versatile man!
Com.Hoff: I’m not versatile!
Vipsania: In bed?
Com.Hoff: What the actual f*ck.
Festus: So you’re a loser?
Com.Hoff: Give me your current location.
Felix: Sorry. We’re still planning our next class vacation.
Com.Hoff: Where are you?!
Festus: In your mom’s ugly closet!
Hilarius: Under your pathetic bed!
Apollo: Behind your back!
Diana: Banana!
Com.Hoff: You bastards!
Festus: I’m stealing her hats!
Felix: And I’m wearing her dress!
Hilarius: Oh, look! An eyeliner!
Com.Hoff: Give them back!
Hilarius: Do you want to see my pretty feet pics? I’m selling.😀
Com.Hoff: How much?
Hilarius: 50 bucks.
Com.Hoff: I will find you and I will kill you-
Vipsania: Wrong number!
Com.Hoff: Don’t hang up!
Festus: Bye, loser!
Com.Hoff: I’ll buy those feet pics!
Hilarius: Really?😀
Com.Hoff: Are they prettier than General Crassus Snow’s feet pics?
Coryo: F*ck no. *hangs up*
Vipsania: So who wants pasta?
Coryo: Ney Ney, don’t tell me-
Vipsania: Yeah, I don’t know my favorite auntie’s current phone number. Sorry.
Coryo: That’s impossible.
Vipsania: I was kicked out of the house, remember?😢
Coryo: Do you want a tissue?
Vipsania: Give me the whole box.
Festus: Let’s call again!
Apollo: Let me try! *grabs the phone and dials a random phone number* There!
Diana: It’s ringing. I’m excited!😆
Felix: Shh! Somebody might hear us.
Hilarius: I just hope they’ll buy my feet pics.
Coryo: Hilari, please-
Hilarius: Poor homeless Hilari needs some fast cash right now.
Festus: And poor Festus Creed needs poor homeless Hilarius Heavensbee to pay his freaking rent!
Hilari: I’m trying my best!
Festus: Penelope disagrees.
Hilarius: She’s a rat!
Festus: And she disagrees!
Sejanus: I still need to get my body bag though.☹️
Coryo: Don’t be too sad, Babe. We’ll just ask Anderson to steal your bread bag later.
Sejanus: Ok!☺️
Vipsania: Quiet!
Mayfair: *picks up the phone* Hello? This is District 12’s Mayor’s daughter speaking.
Coryo: Ew! A cheater!
Mayfair: Lucy Gray?!
Diana: Are you a pole dancer too?
Mayfair: Who the f*ck is this?!
Apollo: I’m the sun god!
Diana: And I’m the moon goddess!
Hilarius: And I’m having your dear daddy’s miracle baby next summer!
Mayfair: My daddy’s what?!
Hilarius: Pay up, sister!
Mayfair: I’m not your sister!
Hilarius: I need child support!
Mayfair: Go f*ck yourself!
Coryo: Your daddy’s a cheater!
Mayfair: And you’re a stupid whor-
Sejanus: Take that back!
Mayfair: Cry harder, loser!
Coryo: Well, tell your stupid boyfriend to suck a f*ckin’ di-
Mayfair: *hangs up*
Coryo: The audacity! Call her again, Class Pres!
Felix: Fine. *dials back*
Mayfair: Hello? This is Mayfair-
Coryo: Suck a d*ck!
Mayfair: F*ck you, you whor-
Coryo: *immediately hangs up* There! I won. I’m happy now.☺️
Sejanus: I’m happy too!
Festus: My turn! *grabs the phone*
Diana: Me next!
Hilarius: But-
Festus: It’s ringing!
Apollo: Felix, you answer!
Felix: I hope it’s not my mom.
Hilarius: Or mine.
Festus: My “dearest” mommy never picks up my calls.
Coryo: Creed, do you need a hug?
Festus: Yes, please.
Coryo: *hugs Festus*
Sejanus: I need a hug too!
Coryo: Fine. Come here.
Sejanus: Yey!
Elmer: *picks up the phone* Hello? This is District 13’s Elmer Coin speaking.
Felix: Elmer Coin?
Elmer: Yes, I’m Elmer Coin.
Felix: Never heard of you before.
Elmer: I’m the current president of District 13!
Felix: What’s District 13?
Apollo: Are you the mole people?
Elmer: Seriously?
Festus: District 13 doesn’t exist.
Elmer: Who told you that lie?
Festus: It’s a universal truth, you uncultured swine!
Elmer: District 13 still exist!
Coryo: I’m poor. So I need to disagree.
Elmer: I swear we still exist!
Felix: My mommy said you don’t!
Elmer: Your poor mother’s wrong.
Felix: My mommy is never wrong and she’s allergic to poor people.
Elmer: I’m not poor!
Felix: Not on my mommy’s watch!
Elmer: Your evil government is brainwashing your mother!
Felix: My mommy is literally the Vice President of Panem.
Elmer: She’s the VP?!
Felix: And my lovely daddy is her secretary.
Elmer: Seriously?!
Hilarius: *grabs the phone from Felix* Do you want to buy my pretty feet pics? They’re on sale.
Elmer: Who are you?!
Hilarius: I’m Hilarius.
Elmer: You’re not funny.
Hilarius: But I’m Hilarius!
Elmer: Are you rebels?
Felix: I’m allergic to rebels.
Elmer: Not you, you freak.
Felix: I’m not a freak. I’m a sweet baby Ravinstill.
Elmer: Same thing.
Coryo: Are you a mole person?
Elmer: I’m not a mole!
Hilarius: Do you live underground?
Elmer: That’s none of your business!
Apollo: Do you sell glue?
Elmer: How old are you?
Apollo: Physically or mentally?
Sejanus: I’m from District 2 and I’m old enough to screw!😀
Coryo: We know, Babe.
Elmer: That’s great! You’re one of us! Do you need some help?
Sejanus: On my biology homework? Of course!
Elmer: Homework?
Sejanus: Yes, homework! Our insane Professor will most likely fail me.
Elmer: Why?
Sejanus: She hates me and I’m dumb.
Festus: Same.
Apollo: Do mole people like to eat snakes or spiders?
Elmer: I’m not a mole!
Apollo: Doubt.
Elmer: Am I talking to a bunch of stupid children right now?!
Vipsania: Maybe.
Sejanus: My gorgeous Snow Bae and I will be having 24 kids and more!😊
Elmer: You’ll have 24 kids?!
Sejanus: And more!
Vipsania: I’m baby.
Coryo: Jealous, Elmer?
Elmer: You’re a child!
Coryo: My boyfriend’s rich and I’m pregnant!
Hilarius: I’m pregnant too!
Elmer: So?
Hilarius: So pay up, Elmer!
Elmer: Pay up?!
Hilarius: I need child support!
Elmer: I’m not paying anything!
Hilarius: It’s your baby!
Elmer: *immediately hangs up*
Hilarius: The audacity! *dials back*
Elmer: Hello? This is D13’s leader-
Hilarius: Pay my f*ckin’ child support, you b*tch!
Elmer: Go away!
Hilarius: You’re a mole f*cker!
Elmer: A what?!
Hilarius: *quickly hangs up* So who’s hungry?😊
Festus: I’m hungry.
Coryo: Me too. Let’s eat.
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