#I apologize for not writing more but I’m still coming off that irl bullshit I’ve been dealing with

[fuckedprophet]

I’m back on my work week— so I will be sparse and probably not all that around.

#. ooc #I apologize for not writing more but I’m still coming off that irl bullshit I’ve been dealing with #my brain hasn’t taken a deep breath and relaxed really so we’ll see after this week #😘💕

[ficforthought]

On being SO DONE with M*sha, a rant a decade in the making!

After giving this some thought I'm going to go ahead and give my opinion on Misha and yesterday’s situation in public for the first time ever. I was going to just post on Twitter but since this has been 12 years in the making I have exceeded the number of tweets I can put in one thread! There’s A LOT in here, so my summary is also long. I'm aware that I will lose followers over this, I'm not looking to offend anyone but it will inevitably happen. I wish anyone leaving all the best as fellow human beings.

TL;DR - having kept quiet for so long I’ve finally reached my limit and it’s all come bubbling out. I’ve never been a fan of Misha, I’ve been ambivalent for the most part, but have never criticised him in any hateful way, that's not who I am, but after all these years of putting up with his bullshit, attention seeking and troublemaking I am DONE. Deleting his tweet containing the word Wincest and replacing it with an APOLOGY just to pander to his Minions and save face is the straw that broke the camel's back. He has consistently pushed his ship on not only fans but on other actors (despite Jensen's discomfort, and him having repeatedly made his feelings known on it), he has stood by while his Minions/Hellers have harassed, victimised, doxxed and sent death threats to people based on their FICTIONAL ships. He has pandered to their gatekeeping, constantly demanded attention in obvious and not so obvious ways, and to the best of my knowledge never criticised their actions even though he's aware of it in a very real way. Some of his Minions have now taken their shit into The Boys fandom and created negativity for Jensen before the guy has even got a foot through the set door, and how is that supporting one half of your ship?

Misha has claimed to be a victim of targeted harassment from Wincest/brother fans (not only shippers) yet his fans have said and done the most despicable things on his watch, all in the name of what he must think is entertainment, or even his idea of a ‘joke’.

Any respect I had for the man based on his humanitarian work has gone because I can only take so much hypocrisy. He and his pandering because of a desperate attempt to be woke and wholly inclusive (which is actually impossible, no matter how good intentions are) are beyond pathetic. Whilst I have never seen why people think he’s so great I have friends IRL and online who genuinely adore the man, yet they have been shocked and upset by his contempt for half of the fandom that made him somewhat famous. It's disgusting and I'm not scrolling by any more. Misha, I hope to never see you on anything J2 related in future because none of us need that kind of negativity, *especially* not J2. Be gone, foul fiend!

OK, so to the too long part. Please be aware that these are my opinions as a fan of the show, of Sam and Dean, and J2, not only as a shipper. I can separate canon and fanon, and can view canon from a gen or shippy PoV. Whether you agree or disagree with my opinion let me be clear that I do not condone constant bashing and hate of a person or character so this isn’t the start of a regular thing for me. It's possible to have an opinion and not show the same vitriol that has been following this man around for years, and that’s what I’m doing. I've not posted this to prompt more negativity, it's simply to get it off my chest and make it clear how I feel. I stand by my philosophy of ship who you want to ship, enjoy it, but don't force it on other people and don't be a dick about it…hmm, that kinda sounds like familiar behaviour, though, does it not?!

I have ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUE with other people liking Misha, Cas or Destiel when it’s for the love of the characters and the ship. What I *do* have an issue with is people who are the true definition of a Heller. I don’t see that as a generic term, don't be ignorant and think I do because I know the difference between actual ship fans and the crazies, both ships have ‘em and I want no part of either of their venom. If you are reading this and class yourself as a Heller then you are part of the problem so run along and as you are all so fond of saying, 'get help' and take your bestie king with you.

I’m stating my opinion in what I feel is the most mature way I can, because unlike many people on SM, I am an adult and can act accordingly, with forethought and without resorting to temper tantrums and bullying of other people to get my point across. I am able to tell the difference between reality and fiction, I don't tar everyone with the same shipper brush and I don't expect everyone to agree with my opinion, but as we know opinions are like arseholes, we all have them and sometimes they stink. Unlike some, for the most part in life (online and offline) I *do* stand by what I say and don’t backtrack or delete things to appease the masses. I have spent a lot of time writing this out to be as clear as possible without being intentionally hateful. Bear with me jumping between actor and character where relevant, at this point they're conjoined. I will say this before I go any further, it doesn’t end well for Misha, I don’t mince my words and if you don’t like seeing facts and opinions laid out, this isn't the post for you.

I’ll say right off the bat what most of you have surmised - I’ve never held Misha (or Cas) in high esteem but I have never *hated* on him. I have shared mild criticism of his actions and opinions on Cas over the years but never, I feel, in any way that has made me feel I have something to apologise for. I have said several times I've been unhappy about Misha crashing con panels, taking attention away from J2 when at those cons *most* people paid their hard earned money to see the STARS of the show they love, first and foremost, and anyone else is a very nice bonus. The odd appearance here and there crashing a panel is fine (and Misha isn’t the first or last person to do it), maybe take up a few minutes then leave, but when someone commandeers an entire panel, that's just not on. It's not only selfish, rude and attention seeking but also disrespectful to other actors, fans and to the organisers who work hard to make sure everything ties in to give us the best con experience we can have. Everyone gets their turn on stage, there's no need to try and hog any more of the limelight, Veruca Salt style. Oh, and if you’re reading this and not getting that reference, (a) you shouldn’t be on my blog because you’re far too young, (b) look it up, and if you still don’t get what I’m saying… well then please refer to point (a). Thank you, kindly!

There was a time in Kripke's era where Cas was - I feel - intentionally used as a pawn by the writers to divert *canon* from the ‘questionable’ relationship between Sam and Dean, i.e. Wincest focus. Prior to that people (other fans) lightened up and just accepted the fact that Wincest had been there since day one in terms of the writing of the show and the fandom. All the cast and crew knew - J2, Kripke and JDM in particular - and made light of it, never judging, never shaming and often encouraging it because they understand it’s a fun part of fandom. Wincest was present enough to be part of the not so subtle subtext, as I said people just accepted it. Kink tomato was alive and well, so was ‘don’t like, don’t read’ and we all just scrolled over things we didn’t like without turning everything into a personal vendetta and excuse for bullying others who didn’t share our views. When the angels came into the plot I think most of us Wincest fans gave the Dean/Cas innuendos the small laugh they deserved and then turned back to the focus of the show which was the brothers, as it had always been intended. Misha, however, milked those moments as much as possible which was amusing at the start but got old *very* quickly, not just for fans (shippers and non shippers alike), but for other actors, in particular Jensen who is on record MULTIPLE times showing his dislike for Destiel. He told people outright that's not how he was playing the relationship between the two characters and CATEGORICALLY said "Destiel doesn't exist" but did it end there? No, it did not because neither fans or Misha let it go, in fact Misha only pushed more, goaded fans into flogging the same dead horse as much as possible. He’s never stopped, not even when there was so much discord in the fandom, a huge wedge was driven into it because of ships, which IMO he heavily contributed to.

Fast forward to over a decade later (a decade, seriously man, let it fucking go!) he didn’t even stop when Destiel did partially go canon. I have never doubted that Cas loved Dean (Sam, too) because in SPN lore angels are made to love, even rebellious ones. I, along with many others, liked that about Cas because who doesn't love a rebel, especially one rebelling for very good reasons, and because of those two wonderful men? Sam and Dean allowed him to see beyond what he'd been brainwashed to believe his entire existence. The fact is that although the nature of that love changed for Cas, it never did for Dean and was CANONICALLY UNREQUITED because Dean was incapable of loving anyone else as much as he loved Sam. All that mattered to Dean, even when he saw other characters as "family" was still Sam…ALWAYS Sam, every step of the way. Again for those who have too much Misha shaped wax in their ears, that’s canon. Whether people choose to see that love platonically or romantically is up to them, soulmates don't always have to be romantic, either way, brotherly love won out above all else on the show. No amount of Misha screaming ‘hey look, Destiel!’ changed that, but it sure didn’t stop him trying, did it?

So now that the obvious has been stated, here's something else we all know - never once in all of the years on the show did Misha drop rallying of the troops to his precious, ego stroking ship. Never once (that I am aware of) has he called out his Minions and Hellers on their continued harassment of everyone involved in the show and other fans despite the fact that they have bullied, victimised and wished bodily harm, rape and death on people who don't see their ship and because didn't get the ending to the story that they wanted. Not once has Misha shown any remorse for the trauma his "fans" have caused, and I’m taking REAL trauma, here, not the kind Twitter stans see as ‘triggering’ - people have been driven to close SM accounts, attempted, and in some cases succeeded in taking their own lives. These Minions have openly mocked Jared’s struggles with depression and anxiety, and Misha - who claims to be friends with J2 and be supportive of them in every way  - has stood by and let it all play out, knowing full well some of the goings on, if not the full extent of how toxic these people are. We know he sees things being said online, and I have absolutely no doubt he spends time online searching his name for things that are relevant in some way to him in an effort to insert himself into a current conversation, or even start one so that attention is on him. Gotta stay relevant, somehow, right, Mish?

He has actively encouraged bullying by his actions of enabling the behaviours above, both by the flogging of the aforementioned dead horse, AND by not objecting to unacceptable behaviours. Remember when Minions and Hellers were slating J2, particularly Jared, for not posting on SM about BLM and other topics? Yeah, he didn’t ask them to stop doing that, either, even when he was tagged in things along the lines of ‘If Misha can post why can’t J2?’ etc. There have been some token protests, con vids I've seen have show his 'objections' which IMO have been done in a very tongue in cheek way, meaning that those people who needed to be pulled aside and told to change their ways just carried on, because their evil overlord didn’t explicitly explain it in terms a three year old could understand that bullying and forcing your opinion on others is WRONG. Not all of his cult are young and impressionable, not by a long shot, but many of the more vocal and vitriolic ones are.

As a father himself I wonder what Misha would do if he found out that his kids were behaving in ways his Minions are? I’m aware they’re young, but kids are cruel and bullying doesn’t just happen online. Even at whatever age they are, would he laugh it off the way he appears to have done with all of this fandom toxicity? Not bloody likely! I wonder if he’s as desperate to gain the approval of his family, friends and colleagues as he appears to be for that of his Minions/Hellers? I would certainly hope so, but that question can only be answered by Misha, himself, and I can and will not presume to speak on someone else's behalf on things in their personal life. For the record I would never presume I know what J2's answers would be on anything, however I do feel that after 15 years I have an accurate gauge on what kind of people they are so would be confident that any opinion I had on a matter aligns with their morals and ethics. As much as J2 have shared of themselves with us - willingly and under no pressure to do so, I might add - we don't *know* them, but we know enough to have an informed opinion. I can’t say the same for Misha because based on the behaviour he’s repeatedly displayed, things I've heard about from other fans as well as people I know IRL who have had direct dealings with him through cons or GISH (including some very actively in the early days when it was GISHWHES) he just hasn’t seemed like a person I wanted to follow on SM. I’ve never watched any of his solo panels, though I have watched ones with both or one of the J's, mostly being left irritated because of his behaviour. Watching the J’s put up with that shit is painful, and it’s a testament to how good they are as actors that they managed to hide at least some of their disdain for as long as they did. Microexpressions give them away, particularly Jensen, and they certainly have faces I have spent many years watching closely. Beautiful faces to go with beautiful souls, both of them! <3

I have precisely ZERO interest in Destiel as a ship, very little interest in Cas as a character anymore (though I did like him in the early days,and his relationship with Jack in late seasons) so I have absolutely no reason or desire to follow anything Misha does. That said, I've obviously been peripherally aware of some things he's been involved in because of friends, from things I’ve seen on SM and general fandom stuff. Despite the things I've already mentioned about his behaviour, up until now I have been able to maintain a level of respect for him as a person because of the humanitarian and charity work he's done. He seems like someone who really does want to change the world for the better and I am in full support of that fact, so much so that I have supported TWO campaigns relating to him. I bought one of the Super Good t-shirts for the campaign he did with Michael Sheen (a true angel!), the SPN/Good Omens x-over to help homeless charities, and I chose the design with text only and not artwork of Michael and Misha on, basically because I didn’t want to be wearing something with Misha’s face on it and I make absolutely no apology for that, whatsoever. I also bought Alex's #TheEndHasNoEnd shirt, which some of the profits went to Random Acts who do great work, so again, despite not liking Misha I still willingly contributed for a cause bigger than me, and to support Alex, who I absolutely ADORE. I'm aware that Stands aren't popular with some of the fandom, however since most of the cast of SPN are happily affiliated with them then I don't feel it's my place to either judge, or to discuss topics I know next to nothing about. But I digress, as a decent human being I have shown support tangentially to a man who I don't care for out of respect for the work he does outside the fandom. Telling you this isn’t to paint myself in a good light - I don’t need your approval, I’m a big girl, unlike some I don’t need constant validation! - only to provide background on how I’ve actively *not* hated on Misha.

Now though, any respect I had for him has come to an abrupt end, the events of the past 24 hours has seen to that. Whilst I have been annoyed at his behaviour in regards to shipping, I don't feel it's ever gone this far, or at least not that I've seen first hand. This man has, IMO, contributed to so much toxicity in the fandom by way of things I've mentioned before, he's claimed - without actually saying the words - that Wincest fans weren't interested in him as a character when he came onto the show, and hasn’t felt included because of the fans’ love of the brothers. Um, hate to break it to you, love, but when you come onto an established show that is about two people, and you’re a *guest star* you can’t expect everyone to love you. Some characters we as individuals do fall in love with straight away (Bobby, Charlie, Crowley and Rowena are good examples for me), it takes time to establish a dynamic, so if that’s how he felt then it was incredibly naive of him as an actor to expect instant acceptance from anyone. Also, why wait until after the show finished to bring it up AGAIN … oh wait, yeah, that would be to step back into the limelight in a way intended to garner sympathy from Minions and INTENTIONALLY piss off bro fans and Wincest shippers alike? How fucking self centred, desperate and disrespectful do you have to be to shit all over the finale of a show that for the most part accepted you and kept you in paid work for 12 years? Well, Misha Collins levels of all of those things, obviously.  

So, on the topics of self centred, desperate to stay relevant, attention seeking and being oh so needy, the tweet yesterday from Amazon mentioned Castiel. He wasn’t tagged in it, so I refer to my earlier comment about searching online, because how else would he have possibly seen that? It’s possible someone sent it to him, I appreciate that, but if we go off past behaviour it’s not any stretch at all to believe that didn’t happen. So, once again, having seen the tweet he took it upon himself to - oh so predictably - turn it into something relating to Destiel. When I saw it I immediately rolled my eyes and thought ‘here we go again’, but then also had a little smile because I really liked the fact that he explicitly mentioned Wincest, therefore seeming to accept that his poor old dead horse wasn’t the only one in the race. I actually mentally tipped my hat to him then because it appeared that he’s matured enough to acknowledge by name the ship that predates his inclusion on the show. Great, I thought, this is a positive thing in a sea of negativity surrounding the man and his sunken ship, because what followed was Wincest trending in the US (it may also have been other countries as well but I had to sleep!) … largely due to the fact that Hellers were responding to it, calling him out on mentioning the dreaded ‘W’ word. I’ll repeat that because it’s been a rare occurrence up to that point… the Minions were actually disappointed with their overlord for mentioning another ship. We all know what they think of it and I for one, don’t give a flying fuck about their opionion. Ship and let ship, it’s all fun (or meant to be) so we have different tastes, that’s life kiddiwinks, deal with it. I mean, you really don’t have much of an example set for you when your king has proven several times over to be one of the biggest obnoxious brats out there, but just give it a try for your own sakes, yeah? Awesome, good on you, besties!

An unexpected development - to my joy and that of other Wincest shippers - them doing that got the topic trending, only *kept* trending by the fact that were all coming online asking why it was trending. Wincest shippers barely lifted a finger, we just flooded each other’s timelines with lovely content and basked in the Hellers - and Misha - shooting themselves in the foot, which was awesome. But did the vitriol stop? No. Did he get the attention he so clearly craves? Yes. Was it in the way he wanted? Fuck no, so poor, emotionally wounded baby backtracked after seeing that his name was trending alongside Wincest because that’s *so* not what someone narcissistic to do it in the first place, wanted.

Now here’s where I could easily have just moved on with an unusually fond chuckle, giving him an ironic pat on the back and a ‘thanks, Misha’ for being the one to instigate hours of fun, but once again his despicable behaviour made that impossible. It’s been more than obvious for many years that he cares more about what his fans think than anything else to do with the show and the fandom in a larger sense, but to delete the tweet and APOLOGISE for daring to be so insensitive to the snowflakes’ delicate sensibilities for mentioning Wincest in the first place was absolutely disgusting. Stating , “I used a term that I had never really given any thought to other than, "that's a thing?! Yuck." is not only complete and utter bullshit, it’s pandering of the highest order.  

We all know he has referred to Wincest on multiple occasions, so to say he hadn’t thought about is a flat out lie, which IMO is an insult to everyone, not just Wincest shippers. Does the man have no self respect at all, why would you contradict yourself in the face of such overwhelming evidence? Instead of either ignoring all the people calling him out, or addressing it with another tweet saying ‘yeah, that happened’ or something similar he chose, I repeat, CHOSE the route of claiming he didn’t realise he was being offensive to people who felt ‘triggered’ by him using the word Wincest. He basically shat all over an entire ship and large sector of the fandom in an attempt to appease his own fan base which consists of a lot of children (or those that act like children) who have no idea what RL is like.

Once again, he’s reinforced the idea that if you shout loud enough at someone just because you don’t like something they said, they will back down and apologise for something even when there’s nothing to apologise for. If he wants to be such a role model then he could easily have pointed out that a fictional ship doesn’t condone RL incest, any ACTUAL trauma people have suffered because of RL situations, and made an effort to make sure people understand that. He COULD have used it as an opportunity to do some good in the fandom by encouraging people to build bridges, to accept that people are entitled to their beliefs and that sometimes we see things differently but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t treat others with BASIC HUMAN DECENCY because of it. Instead he YET AGAIN chose to show that he cares more about what Minions think of him, keeping them onside to constantly stroke his unbelievably fragile ego in everything he does.

It is my understanding that Misha is big on (or claims to be big on) putting positive energy out into the world, treating people with respect, helping others and accepting people for who they are, not who you want them to be… all this after YEARS of consistently practising what he preaches only when it suits him. He sends out a message that it’s perfectly OK to bully, to spread hate, to draw attention to yourself at the cost of others, to throw colleagues and friends under the bus and at the same time use them to further your own agenda and get hits for your YouTube channel. Is this really the legacy he wants to leave? Is this an environment he wants his own kids to grow up in as well as future generations? Is this what he thinks is a valuable contribution as a human being? JFC, the arrogance, hypocrisy and the need for constant validation this man exhibits is nothing short of cringeworthy… actually it’s beyond that. It’s deplorable behaviour, it’s not new, and he will continue to act like this for as long as he’s being enabled and this harmful cycle needs to end.

I have friends IRL and online who are (now, possibly, were) big Misha fans, who have supported him from either the beginning of his run on the show, or since they started watching, and this is how he repays this behaviour? He’s willfully alienating decent people (including multishippers) all to make himself look good by being seen to do everything he can not to offend people. Spoiler alert, you DID offend people, you continue to do so time and again and we’ve had enough. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to be such a perpetual people pleaser, but let me say it’s not doing you any favours in any way, shape or form.

Misha, you are *not* a role model, you’re *not* someone to look up to when you can't live up to the ideals you preach. You’re spitting in the face of people who have supported you even after some questionable things in the past, who gave you the benefit of the doubt because we’re all human and we all make mistakes. The key to growing as a person is not to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, understanding *why* what you said and/or did was a mistake and making a concerted effort to make changes. I don’t ever see you doing that, you will continue down this path of only caring about Minions under the guise of caring for people in general. You are transparent, you are sad and despite the fact I’ve never particularly liked you, I didn’t speak up because I didn’t want to get involved in the drama. Well now I have spoken up and I’m saying you’re a disgrace, you have no respect for other people and nobody is fooled anymore. If it hadn’t been this tweet it would have been something else, but I for one am glad it happened so soon after the show ended so we can finally be rid of the limpet-like behaviour. It’s over, let it go for the sake of what dignity you might have left, for the sake of your family and friends and for the sake of anyone who isn’t capable of seeing through your ‘it’s a joke’ mentality.

You have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, Misha.

For anyone who made it to the end of my ramble, thank you. This has been a cathartic exercise and I’m drawing a line under it now, I don’t think I could possibly make my thoughts any clearer. I urge you not to get caught up in any petty squabbles with his Minions, let’s celebrate J2 and other cast and crew members who have shown us all respect and who I am proud to call part of the SPN family. There’s always one member of the family who needs to be frozen out for the good of everyone else.

#ficforthought speaks #sorry not sorry #i spent way too long on this #purging the poison

[sageinacage]

Why I am leaving this blog

This is the truth as of why I'm abandoning my tumblr, @/sageinacage.

CW: swearing/harsher language; mentions of breaking boundaries, sexualization, bondage, non-con/tickle torture, kinks, toxicity, overall rly uncomfortable topics

TLDR at the bottom.

Before I start, I want to say that I’m not talking about everyone in this community. Not everyone is like this, but still a lot of people are, and unfortunately the negatives are louder than the positives.

Having this blog was quite an adventure. It definitely had its ups and downs, but I was quick to notice that it had a majority of downs instead of ups. As of now, I'm dreading being on this page.

I don't feel comfortable here anymore and it's incredibly hard for me to feel any sense of safety in this community, and I honestly feel personally ashamed to be in the MCYT tickle community with the bullshit me and others have seen and experienced.

People go around on anonymous and practically harass creators, I've seen so many rude anons get sent to myself, my friends, and people on my dash. People are also breaking CC's boundaries left and right, and no one will listen to anyone when it's spoken up about. I remember making a post stating that if you send anon hate then DNI, and I lost 4 followers. So disappointing. Actually after I took a screenshot of my boundary/trigger list and posted it, someone sent me an ask and did EXACTLY what was listed in my triggers. It went fully against my boundaries, and it caused me to feel scared whenever I get a notification in my inbox, because I’m scared that somebody is trying to purposely trigger me again; and I shouldn’t have to be on Tumblr with such paranoia as I’m experiencing.

Going onto the topic of the more weird and uncomfortable side of the community, I also remember I made a post a while ago saying "if you support putting minors in heavy bondage, then unfollow," and I lost 5+ followers. To put it bluntly, that’s fucking disgusting. For those people to admit for putting minors in a borderline NSFW situation, since heavy bondage is quite literally something that only happens in the kink world and there’s nothing wholesome or cute about it, and for them to admit to doing it, is fucking weird. Though, I’m thankful those people got off my blog.

I have literally seen someone post art of c!Ranboo in heavy restraints and it didn’t even look remotely fun or consensual. It was pictured, or at least my friends and I interpreted it, that he was being tickle tortured and it was non-con. Though, it’s to be expected when the art is a dark-lit room with an intense tickle machine with heavy bondage, with a blindfold and what looks he is genuinely struggling. What made me even more uncomfortable is that an adult drew it. Another person wrote a fic of c!Ranboo in a lot of bondage with the sign “tickle toy” attached to him. That’s fucking weird. That’s practically something that never gets condoned in a strictly SFW sense. The sad part is that others and I have seen a lot of this happening around.

I was actually informed that an artist the other day on another MCYT tickle server drew literal non-con tickle art of Technoblade (/srs). I was revolted. The worst part is, some people didn't even have an issue with it and reacted to the image with heart emojis. For someone to draw non-con in a completely SFW server filled with a bunch of minors is creepy and weird. Non-con isn't a fun thing, and so many people, including me, have horrible experiences related to it; and for someone to turn it into a "heehee fun tickle" situation is fucked up. For someone to even fantasize non-con as a tickle fantasy just makes me feel sick. There are a few fics like this I've seen as well, unfortunately.

Related to non-con things, I've actually gotten a request before asking me to write Schlatt literally tickle torturing Tubbo, and multiple asks that are similar to that; even when on my request rules it stated not to ask for things related to that. Anything with the word "torture" in it is not consensual, especially in the context it was in. I’ve probably had to delete around 5–8 asks in total from my inbox that were related to non-con or torturous things, even after I already stated in my rules I do not write that stuff.

Another thing I've seen is romantic-esque things written with CCs and then the creator slaps a "/p" onto it, and all of a sudden it's okay? Ranboo has even stated in a stream that he is uncomfortable with his IRL self being written/drawn cuddling his friends, and I see so many fics and concepts of IRL Ranboo cuddling in some way (which I've spoken out about before, but again, no one listened).

Moving on, I've probably met the most toxic people in this community than any others I've been apart of- and I've been apart of a lot, I've been on Tumblr on different blogs since I was 11. For some reason, so many people love to guilt trip here (both my friends and I have noticed and experienced a bunch of people doing it in this community), and the people who get called out for it avoid apologizing like the plague. A person in this community made me and a few others literally scared to say no and scared to advocate for our boundaries, because of how much we got guilt tripped. And no, no one received an apology. But still, people DEFENDED this person, even though me and other people spoke out and explained how this person hurt us. That’s so fucking upsetting. I automatically don’t feel safe in a community where people willingly associate with a literal manipulator and someone who hurt probably over 10 people in total (/srs).

Another thing I've noticed is that so many people seem entitled to something. For example, when I got practically harassed by anons for my discomforts/triggers, basically trying to squeeze out reasoning. No one needs to explain their boundaries/discomforts to you, and this community doesn't understand that from what I've experienced; after being harassed by multiple people on anonymous multiple times, all of which were because of personal reasons I was not obligated to share. No one should be able to say that they got harassed by people on anon for their OWN BOUNDARIES. ON 3 DIFFERENT OCCASIONS AS WELL.

Long story short, I can’t help my triggers. Each of my triggers has developed from trauma I’ve gone through or a bad experience, and I shouldn’t even have to defend myself for my triggers/discomforts if people were respectful and weren’t so fucking entitled for an explanation. So many people in this community can’t mind their own business, and I unfortunately had to learn that the hard way.

I've also seen people project onto IRL CCs. Those are real and breathing people. I understand doing it for comfort, but, the CCs have a literal character that people can project onto, but for some reason, people have to push their things onto real life people. I’ve seen someone headcannon IRL Tommy as trans. That's like the same as your friend "headcannoning" you, a real person, as a different sexuality that isn't what you identify with, and one you may not even be OK with being seen as, and without knowing if you're comfortable with it or not. It's weird.

There are more points I could bring up and more specific things I could state, but I think you got the gist of why I'm leaving. I don't feel comfortable being a member in a community which a lot of its members condone in this stuff.

This is the reason why I'm only active in the MCYT tickle community on Discord, because my server, "Mcytickles," actually respects CCs boundaries and is truly an SFW server, and people are respectful towards each other. It's the only safe space I have in this community anymore, so please do not join it if you exhibit any of these things on this post.

No, I will not be coming back, so please do not try to convince me to stay. I’ve been wanting to leave for about a month now, so this isn’t some impulsive decision. I’ve been in the MCYT tickle community since April, and these problems have always existed but have just gotten worse and more extreme, so I’m leaving for my own mental health and to protect myself from further harm than what I’ve already received.

TLDR: I am leaving this blog and the MCYT tickle community on Tumblr due to the many boundary breaking and unacceptable behaviors I've seen be exhibited, and it makes me not feel safe and comfortable to be here anymore.

I want to thank my mutuals, though. You were all awesome and such kind and loving people, and I’m happy to be your guys’ mutual. I want to thank those who were always so nice to me and hyping up my work, and those who were respectful to everyone and advocated for boundaries. Thank you so much for everything, moots <3 (/gen)

[ckret2]

On the subject of murdered sinners, do you think that in the show we'll get to see or meet any sinners who were harmed by the main cast. The obvious one being one of Al's victims, but to our knowledge Angel was also in the mob and very likely killed and harmed people. Husk was also a soldier (allegedly), so maybe meeting an "enemy" soldier from a war he fought in...

I’d say that’s less likely than not based on what we’ve seen. Between what we’ve seen so far about Angel’s life outside the hotel and what’s been said about Vaggie’s plot arc likely revolving around mental illness, my guess is that one of the overarching themes of the show is gonna be “many people who seem to be ‘bad’ (i.e., sinful enough to end up in Hell) ended up that way because they were hurt badly and never healed,” and that the process of “redemption” for the characters we’re intended to care about will just as much be a process of healing from whatever emotional wounds they’ve got.

And a story like that works best with, like... really close-up, personal hurts and the close-up personal ways that people lashed out after being hurt. Not things that seem bigger and more abstract like serial killing or mob violence.

That’s not to say you CAN’T balance big abstract crimes and small emotional moments. Like, just with the two examples I listed: IRL there’s a much higher rate of childhood abuse in serial killers’ histories than in average people’s, so you could definitely write a believable link there; and I’ve already seen some great writing on how homophobia and Mafia culture could have interacted to shape Angel’s pre-death personality, in a way that keeps both the big over-the-top mob violence and the close emotional violence. So it’s possible to do! BUT, all the same, that’s not the vibe I get off of the show so far.

And if it doesn’t explore that sort of stuff, then the easiest way to keep our main characters sympathetic while still having awful stuff in their backstory is to leave it in their backstory, unexplored. Something that we’re informed of, but not shown directly in a way that would make us have to think about the full extent of their past crimes.

Once you bring in their victims, the audience is asked to think hard about their past crimes—and it can’t just be a throwaway joke or reference anymore, because now you’ve got a killer face-to-face with the person whose life he ended. In a story about redemption, it’d be very hard to bring up someone that a main character hurt THAT badly, and then NOT spend plot time & writing energy on making amends, without it coming across as weird. Especially in Angel’s case, considering that thus far he’s the only character who’s being directly put through Charlie’s sinner rehabilitation program. It’d be possible to work some of his mob hits into the story line—maybe as a “part of redeeming yourself is being able to say you’re sorry. So I went and found all these people you killed so you can apologize!!” “oh NO, CHARLIE”—but I still feel like it’s unlikely.

Husk I consider a little more likely than Angel. I could see Angel grappling with his past traumas and coming away an improved person with a satisfying narrative arc even if you focus only on his current sex work and the bullshit Valentino puts him through, leaving out his mob history entirely; but on the other hand if it’s true that Husk was a soldier and that is a significant factor in Why He Is How He Is, it would be hard for him to make progress without directly confronting that trauma. Which would lend itself well to an arc of him meeting and coming to grips with someone he killed. Alastor, I’d think less likely (even though I’m not expecting a hardcore serious redemption arc out of him) since the whole Cannibalistic Serial Killer Who Summons Shadows And Tentacle Monsters thing presents him as sort of a cartoonishly over-the-top evil character, and introducing one of his victims immediately slams him back into grimly realistic evil.

But ALL THAT SAID, even though I just got through saying I don’t think it’s that likely......... I’d absolutely love to see them meet some of their victims. So I hope I’m wrong lmfao. And even if it doesn’t get explored in the show, I’m sure plenty of brilliant fanworks will!

#hazbin hotel #meta #anonymous #ask

[rpbetter]

Hi Vespertine. Sorry to add to the pile, I promise I will send in some writing related things to compensate later. I also misgendered that user in a comment by accident with she/her. I blocked them, but they still looked at my blog, and they made a post that said by using the wrong pronouns, which they thought was intentional and meant to hurt them, I purposefully called them a hysterical woman stereotype. Obviously that wasn't true. I was just going off a comment someone else made on my blog where they used she/her, and I thought I had to correct myself. It was a case where good intentions, even if I was not happy with the user's behavior or expected to talk to them again, I was still going to use the right pronouns, but my intentions were warped by someone with an agenda. I'm sorry to hear you're getting the same heat. I didn't use my rp blog to interact with the user or talk about them because I was sure something like this would happen, either by them or other people like that callout blog, and I think other people had the same idea. I dodged a bullet there, but I'm still paranoid. I'm paranoid I'll hear a notif and see my rp blog in a callout for this, because someone hunted it down, or a callout for trying to talk to the person who started all the drama. Nobody should be scared to talk about someone on their own blog. Nobody should be scared to talk openly, in general. Nobody should be called out for trying to talk with someone either. This culture of fear is so disturbing to me.

Hey there, Anon!

Oh, I would love that, but you totally don't have to, of course. Don't feel bad for adding on, I'm here for anything at all, and honestly, with the job I'm doing IRL right now, it's really hard for me to concentrate well enough on finishing any of the advice posts (at least, to be the quality y'all deserve). It's a hot topic, it's included so, so, terribly many people in the RPC. It's also one that's generating some great, needed conversations. So, it isn't like you're adding to anything bad, annoying or distracting me, or contributing to the inflammatory side of this.

Hell, it's got to be really nice for some of the people in messages I've received to see proof that they weren't alone in this experience. I can keep publishing the hate anons for exactly that reason, and I can promise people they aren't the only ones (in this or in any such horrible behavior), but it's different to see it coming from a third party! So, thank you for that.

Though, I am deeply sorry that you were treated to more than a ringside seat in this debacle.

It's not very encouraging to be thoughtful and respectful of other people when literally nothing you can say or do will result in anything other than more twisting of your words, and that's a big problem I have with this shit. Things like actual transphobia, intentional misgendering, actual infantalization and shit treatment of ND people, actual harassment, etc. etc. etc. matter. It's just more trivializing of real problems for the sake of blowing nonexistent bullshit up, and that is immensely disgusting to me. The fact that you damn well know someone out there has had the reaction to this behavior of, well, fuck you then, fuck trans people is really upsetting.

Like, yeah, let's be real, if you require social rewards to do the right thing, you have some problems lol but at the same time, you know who does require social rewards to develop themselves? Young people. And the RPC is largely comprised of people in their early twenties who, for a variety of possible reasons, are still at that point

Furthermore, no, it's not anyone's job to be good representation at all times, especially when that performance comes at a cost to themselves, but maybe don't go out of your way to be the person that is the necessary push in the wrong direction of someone's formative experience with people of your community. If it's costing you nothing to not clown on serious issues, but is costing the entire world another bigot for you to clown on serious issues, the choice should be a bit obvious here. Whenever you're in a safe place - physically, emotionally - and capable of that kind of logic, exercise it, damn.

It's definitely a better course of action than playing out skewed activism by vilifying innocent people, more worthy of one's effort than losing their collective shit over a very easy mistake. One that I'd say was even less avoidable in your case. AGAIN, how, exactly is anyone supposed to know this shit when they're blocked? When they aren't subverting the blocks they, themselves, put in place? I know for a fact none of them are looking at the information of the people they choose to try to drive out of the RPC, but everyone else is supposed to make zero reasonable assumptions, check and recheck blogs they have made an effort not to visit for good reason. Sounds absolutely reasonable and sane!

So, you know what? I'm going to be even more offensive here and talk for a moment about why these mistakes are reasonable.

When we see a post and reblog it, it's not unreasonable to assume that the OP had knowledge we didn't. Since we blocked the offending party, but they're discussing them. OP uses the incorrect pronouns, we end using the incorrect pronouns as well. This is not malicious intent. It isn't intentional at all, it's just having a discussion. A discussion that wouldn't have even transpired if they hadn't taken it upon themselves to (what a coincidence) take personal issue with a RPer they repeatedly took out of context and decided to shame for it, before proceeding to get an even bigger stick and pot.

When we decide to block a blog, it's our responsibility to stay off of it. Not go looking at it for any reason. That is now off-limits. When someone blocks us, it's also our responsibility to respect that decision, no matter how outrageous it was, no matter what we might need to verify. That's the issue with blocking when we don't exploit how easy it is to get around blocking on tumblr; we've cut ourselves off from any further meaningful communication, including passive communication like rules and posts. Kind of like how you cannot expect an apology to mean a damn thing when you've blocked everyone you harassed, then made that apology in a post on your blocked blog. Don't put up walls you expect people to see through, then get upset when they can't see through them.

As a community, the RPC is primarily afab. That's never a problem to bring up when someone wants to be angry about their female muse not getting equal attention and so on, but it's a problem to discuss any other time, about any other problem. Dealing with the things that we're socially raised to ascribe to as afab people is that problem. It's reflected in our behaviors, interests, and speech. We may not want to live in a gendered world, we may eschew that, but we were raised in a gendered world and it shows. One which has a lot of complications for being that, like almost everyone feeling safer around afab people by default of the All Men Are Bad, All Women Are Harmless bullshit.

We not only know that the RPC is primarily afab, we tend to assume comfort, especially in hostile situations, by assuming those pronouns in others.

And it so does not matter how much any of us like it, some people have more masculine or feminine tones. Even in text. That means neither that someone's gender identity should be disregarded nor that this text-based presentation is correct, but like every other unfair thing that exists, it's a thing. Like you, Anon, you genuinely come across in tone as primarily neutral, slight lean toward masculine. Even if I wasn't inclined to do so, not knowing you and all, I'd use they/them for you instinctively because that's what your speech is giving me. That isn't any more unreasonable than ascribing another set of pronouns based on the same information.

Oh yeah, I know, lurkers, the difference is that they/them is the appropriate choice when one does not know. I know that logically, but people aren't always operating like robots, weirdly enough. We default to a lot of instinctive behaviors, and we aren't always operating at the top rung of cognition either. Being human works like that, it's really that simple and not malicious if you're not reading that into it.

As we're all aware, it is being read into, and your experience is exactly why; you now feel worried every time you get a notif, you've been outed as a supposed transphobe, and while it is incredibly fortunate you stopped this from transpiring on your RP blog, it still transpired somewhere and has had a negative effect. If they find they correct thing or set of things, they can get so many more people to dogpile you over it. Get enough people to do that, make someone miserable enough, especially people who are already going through a hard enough time already, they'll leave.

It is a terroristic act, and it has the effect of all terroristic acts; people are afraid to exist outside of shifting bounds (that shifting is a part of the terrorism). They can't have an opinion, write any muse/topic they wish, be honest on their own blogs, support the "wrong" topics, muns, or blogs. Attacking people for a mistake, not allowing them to address it either, just furthers all of that. It's showing the community what happens when you aren't on the "right" side, even if that isn't even the case. They certainly turn on their own quickly enough.

So, of course, it's a culture of fear and it is disturbing as hell. No one has any right to make someone feel unsafe over fiction or a hobby or a difference of opinion. Everyone has the right to say whatever they want on their own blogs, to talk openly, and yes, to try to talk to others without feeling at risk.

Even if what someone says is genuinely unpleasant. This isn't the way one handles it. By all means, have a problem with something, have a problem with someone, but grow up and talk to them openly, without bringing everyone you can dredge up to join in. I have no issue with people arguing, I have an issue with bullying. If it's your whole goal to harass people without consequences to the end result of deactivation and lockstep behavior from everyone else, that's what you're doing, folks. Bullying.

If you can't win an argument, especially one your own ass began, in any other way than this, you're not engaging in an argument.

#vespertine #answered #anonymous #callout culture #rp harassment

[arethereanyoriginalusernames]

I’m sorry

I’m sorry to my followers, my mutuals, and most of all, to put I call friends. I’m so, so sorry

I know at least one person’s going to want to reblog this, saying that I’m not a shitty person. Well, this post is for you I guess. I hate just being here, trying to convince myself and others that I’m a good person, but really I’m not. I’ve ruined potential friendships and actual friendships over and over again. All because I want people to validate me, because I want people to pay attention to me, because I think that what I think needs to be shared with everyone.

I’ve wasted people’s energy, time, and I think I might have ruined at least one person’s offline life because I thought I could help them when I had no place to do so.

If for whatever reason you don’t think I’m awful after this, well I guess I can’t stop you. But I hope that this might finally get people to recognize that I’m not someone worth supporting. Enjoy my content if you want, but don’t pretend that I am, by myself, an enjoyable person.

1. My “contribution” to the Zoophobia fandom

You know, there’s nothing on my blog that I’m more ashamed of than my Zoophobia critiques? Back when I first started on tumblr, my pretentious ass thought that I was going to be super special and become “a zp critic who didn’t hate Vivziepop and enjoyed her content”.

Yes, I was that up my own ass.

At the time, the only zp critics I knew of were the ones on the bad wiki forums and the late Zoophobia Critiques account. Which, for the record, I still agree that a lot of the criticism gave there was super spiteful and overblown. I gave the excuse that we could learn how to improve our own writing by analyzing works we love when I was criticizing a 4 and a half chapter webcomic the creator wasn’t proud of.

You know, I’m at a loss for how nobody has called my critiques out for being misinformed, disorganized, poorly spelt, and like someone who just heard of writing criticism and was parroting stuff they heard on a YouTube video. My criticism of how Addison’s ptsd was handled was disgusting, and my criticism of Jack was vague and was clearly a reach.

And my non critical Zoophobia content wasn’t even that good. I made a bunch of nothing posts that only discussed a couple or one character ever, and they were so stupid.

Then there’s how I acted during the pre Hazbin Hotel Vivziepop drama. You know, where I acted like a deluded three year old? Voicing “my concerns”, and totally not babbling a bunch of nonsense and pushing it onto others. I remember how one former mutual of mine, Lisaury, rightfully “burst my bubble” (that’s how they put it) by pointing out my flawed information.

I honestly don’t blame Lisaury for never talking to me again. God, I barely spoke to her to begin with. Just sent her worthless post after worthless post.

My “criticisms” of Vivziepop were idiotic at best, and now? Zoophobia and criticism of it may have resurfaced thanks to Bad Luck Jack, but this only made me realize how nothing my posts were.

Other critics would just call me a wishy washy sheep, and fans would rightfully see me as an idiot if I posted now what I posted then. Ever since the short, I’ve been fearful of someone finally pointing out my bullshit, making it clear to everyone how awful my content was. And I feared it because I knew it was true. I just didn’t want other people to realize it.

Fuck, you’d at least expect someone to notice how much of a dickhead I was when critiquing people’s fanfics.

-

2. Art / characters

In 2020, someone invited me to join an art discord, and I created an account to do so. This discord had actual artists, many who had been to art school. So when my self taught, delusional self posted art into a criticism channel, they rightfully tore it to shreds. Called it out for the lacklustre, mediocre anime garbage it was. Gave me advice, and pointed out exactly what was wrong with it. One person made a very accurate description of it. “It looks like something someone drew on those shitty phone apps without a pencil”. And they were right.

And how did I react?

I had a meltdown, deleted a bunch of my art and posts, ran crying to a bunch of people, desperate for validation, because I, someone who made criticism posts, couldn’t handle actual criticism. And the same group rightfully called me out on it. I lost the log in info for my first account, so I don’t interact with that group anymore, but I should have listened. They rightfully pointed out how all my male characters looked like traps and how my art lacked any artistic skill. And what did I do? I screenshoted what they said and showed it to others, like “omg, pity me!”

I can’t look at my old art without wanting to vomit. I still can’t understand how anyone can enjoy what I make, despite people telling me that they do. Especially when they make better art than I ever could.

And despite how shit it looks, I just shove art and all posts I make in people’s face, because they “have to look at it and pay attention to it”

-

3. Such a great “friend”

I don’t have conversations with people anymore. The majority of my Tumblr conversations are filled with me sending post after post after post, weeks with just my fucking stupid posts, because they totally matter so much. I barely have any conversations with anyone anymore, and I don’t even return the favour of reblogging their content. Because after all, I need my friends with bigger follow counts to reblog my stuff. That’s the only way my posts get attention and I get validation, after all. Seriously, look at posts reblogged by eclecticcoyote, and compare the notes there to those he doesn’t.

If I didn’t constantly send people like him posts, expecting a reblog, I probably wouldn’t have followers. I know my content wouldn’t get any attention without his help, and I feel disgusting because it just feels like I’m taking advantage of someone’s audience.

Although it’s probably better I don’t talk to people whatsoever. One friend I have... well had, I don’t expect him to contact me ever again. I’ll refer to him as B for now. B was dealing with issues related to his mental health and offline life. I initially reached out to him after he made a post about having no friends

And then I didn’t message him for a while and was surprised when he told coyote that he felt like I didn’t care about him.

I started crying at him like “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” (no I’m not kidding). I ended up talking with him through several emotional break downs, because I didn’t want him to kill himself. I had the nerve to talk like I knew what I was talking about during those times. I gave unhelpful advice, like “go for a run”, “punch a pillow”, etc. Hell, one time, I had the audacity to say that it felt impossible to talk to him because it didn’t seem like he wanted to listen to people trying to help him, and that he only heard what he wanted to hear.

And I shoved my personal issues onto him as well. Because, again, my life is so important.

Then, at some point he developed feelings for me. I don’t feel the same way about him. And at this point, he sees me as one of the people who have helped him out the most with his issues (ironic, considering how I likely just made his life worse). So, what did I do when he confessed to me?

Oh, you know, instead of being mature and responsible, I panicked, got another friend involved because “I don’t know how to deal with this 😭😭😭”, made B upset and depressed all over again, and I basically got someone else involved in what was a personal moment for him, betraying his trust and throwing privacy out the window.

I tried to apologize the next morning, but it was too late. I honestly hope he doesn’t try to contact me again, and realize that I have, and can only make his life worse.

I constantly keep freezing out friendships on here by not actually talking to people and just sending them post after post. Recently, one person who reached out to me and tried to be my friend? Looking at past conversations with her, I come off as disinterested in her and dismissive. I might not have intended to, but...

Oh, and then Coyote invited me to his discord server. I recently started deleting all my posts on there, so that nobody would have to waste time scrolling through my bullshit. I shit you not, I would go on essay long tangents about my characters and art, while, comparatively, the attention I gave to others’ content was close to none. And in the first couple months there? I still tried to help people when I clearly couldn’t.

For fucks sake, I even dragged people there into my own personal irl drama when they didn’t need it. The night I self harmed in front of my parents, I should have kept it to myself because I. Knew. That people there would become distressed by it. But nope, because my problems are so important.

I would say dumb shit that ended up upsetting people, I would post over people, and overall just act like a self entitled, annoying bitch.

Just yesterday? Someone I considered my friend shared an image of some characters of hers that were in a polyamourous relationship. And what did my dumbass do?

“You know, I find people in poly relationships admirable bc I have trouble hanging out with more than one person irl bc lol social anxiety and lalala, lemme make this all about meee~!”

And then someone replied saying that they don’t understand poly relationships but support them, then I’m pretty sure the who posted the picture got uncomfortable at that point.

And wouldn’t you know it, recently that person announced that they were taking a break, which hey fine, and they mentioned that some of the stuff said on the discord was upsetting them.

Gee, I wonder who contributed to that?

And then there’s my constant validation seeking, me being silly during situations where the person needs me to be serious, my overall inability to respond in a way someone should whenever people don’t enjoy things I suggest or share...

-

Look, maybe I’m overreacting and being stupid. Wouldn’t surprise me. I currently have no friends outside of discord and tumblr, and I’m constantly disappointing my family and everyone around me by always failing at everything no matter what.

I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t even know if this is just me attempting to get validation or what.

I just... can’t do anything. I can’t trust myself to do anything. If someone requests that I do something, then fine I guess, but

I don’t want to hurt anyone else

[darkgeminisworld]

This is gonna be a rant about a probably toxic friend so if you don't wanna read it, this is a heads up.

Okay so for several reasons, most of them being that I need to move on, I decided to write this lengthy rant about a friend I'm pretty sure will not be a friend of mine for much longer, which sucks bc he's almost my only irl friend but also feels good bc he's exhausting and I'm pretty sure he's also toxic.

I've met this guy like 6 and a half years ago, and we pretty much bonded over shared interests pretty fast. The first thing that bothered me was that he'd always be late, which would be absolutely fine if he'd been honest about it. But writing that it's five minutes until he's there and then showing up 30 minutes after that, or writing "I'm on your doorstep" and taking another ten minutes to show up, almost every single time, isn't, especially since I strained to be on time the first months (meaning I'd be too early bc my brain only does too early or too late, nothing in between). And his being late wasn't just 20 or 30 minutes, several times he was over an hour late. Oh, and once when we had agreed to meet he legit wasn't home and I waited around 2 hours, which I really should have held a grudge for back then and been way more pissed at him.

The second thing that bothered me was that he was way too nosy. He'd ask if I'm free to meet and play video games or whatever and whenever I said no he'd ask what I'm doing and if I can't manage my time another way to make time for him. And the thing is, not only did I not ask several times after he told me that he's busy that day, but I actively told him, several times over the course of about the last two years, that it bothers me and asked him to tone it down. My problem here is only that he didn't stop after I asked him to, bc before I told him and asked him, how was he supposed to know.

Coming out to him went well, though he did ask me whether I'm into him, which... No. Obviously it could've gone a lot worse, but still.

The next is more a small annoyance, a small itch, although it might have been a warning sign. He couldn't handle defeat very well. In most video games he was better, but he low-key aggressively denied it when I pointed out the win-lose ratio in my all-time favourite video game series and he'd try to cheat at other games. If it was only about him being competitive I'd understand, but that doesn't mean trying to rewrite the past by blatantly lying about it and ridiculing me for pointing out that that's bullshit, especially since it's only games, played for the fun of it.

We also went to the cinema sometimes, though if it had been up to him it'd have been way more often and that's another point where he really didn't let it go after getting a no. Whether he wanted to watch a horror movie after being told, several times, that I really don't like horror movies, or just the general question of whether we'd be going to the cinema, he'd ask again and ask what I'm doing, why did I not want to go, would another time be good, couldn't I ask my parents for money (which, to be fair, I could have. But I preferred not to bc back then it was really stressful bc we had to move and renovate and I just didn't wanna add more frustration if that makes sense? Plus I wanted to get my hands on some things, which required to save up) etc. Almost every time we did end up going, it was he who initiated it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see some of the movies just as badly as he did, but... And if he can't even accept "no" from a friend of several years (also a 100% guy friend as far as he is aware bc I didn't start to address gender issues with him), I'm worried about other contexts with that word. Also we did some kind of text role play (just texting back and forth with OCs inserted into several fantasy works like the Inheritance Cycle, who would parttake in the storyline, no set rulebook or anything) and his characters did some questionable and even outright deplorable things and when I wanted his character to suffer consequences, he always wanted him to get away with it. Like, his idea for one of his characters "pranking" mine in reaction to a prank which in itself was a retaliation to his character's pranks was kidnapping and waterboarding my character. And he kept defending it as a prank and demanded that my character should just forgive his character, like... It really made (and continues to make) me wonder and worry just how much of his darker thoughts I don't know about. And I don't know how accurate it is but I once saw a post with a quote that went along the lines of "man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." (btw I couldn't think of a satisfactory way to phrase it so I ended up looking up the quote and apparently it's from Oscar Wilde)

So I spent a fair amount of time arguing with him over that and trying to explain to the best of my ability why it was wrong, and for some time it went better.

Fast forward a few months to the blm protests or more specifically news coverage of it and info I sent him. He defended cops and blamed the protestors and even justified the atrocities of the cops, so that was the first instance where we had a huge fight. I practically drowned him in links and videos etc and some weeks into that I thought I'd managed to get through to him (Spoiler: I didn't really get through to him) so I kept it in mind but continued to have contact with him and everything (bc at the time I didn't know that I didn't really get through as much as I thought).

From there on it pretty much went downhill. We had been thinking about doing a trip to London for a few days (his idea but at the time I really wanted to go, it was around 2 years ago when I still practically worshipped that one author, she who must not be named) and to this very day he's not letting it go completely. Even though the pandemic puts lots of obstacles in the way and I have more important things to worry about, namely final exams and applications. Even though London is expensive as shit and I still have no way to earn money atm. And about the vacation, I finally canceled last summer (and gave the aforementioned reasons) and he completely lost his shit and got super aggressive, insulted me and tried to guilt-trip me into taking that back and agreeing to still go on that vacation with him. Then we got into another fight where he wanted me to cancel the vacation with my grandparents, which was already planned and booked and everything in order to make time for the vacation I'd already said I don't want to go on with him anymore and aggressively demanded (he didn't ask, he sent a demand and bombarded me with exclamation marks) to know when exactly I'd be going on vacation with them. Then he went offline after I refused and ignored the next few messages I sent him and only replied when I asked "what I'd I reconsidered my stance on the trip?". I mean, baiting him with that definitely was shitty of me, but the result showed that that was basically what he wanted, pressure me into still going on that vacation. That specific conflict had been going on for weeks, bc despite me telling him that it's counterproductive and detrimental to my mental health to increase the pressure and therefore my anxiety about getting a job to pay for the trip, he kept pressuring me while acknowledging that he's giving me lots of pressure and anxiety and even using that against me.

He also didn't acknowledge that most times we try to meet, he goes offline for hours before replying and disappearing again. That would be absolutely fine if he didn't accuse me of doing that, which btw is his standard technique and it took me a long time to realize that. He always tries to shift the blame to make me look like the one at fault, and he always, always demands that I apologize when we had a fight via WhatsApp.

And when I started enforcing my boundaries and telling him to stop asking again and again why I can't meet, what I'm doing, or demanding other explanations, he started to attack me for the kind of language I use, so when I'm ever so slightly sarcastic he immediately latches onto that and creates a new conflict.

But this still isn't all, oh no. He's also basically an ecofascist, and is fully okay with sacrificing social justice to save the environment, completely choosing to ignore that the people he's protecting are the ones at fault and that the ppl who contribute the least are the ones experiencing the hardest ecological consequences.

He's said multiple times that he thinks both sides are equally bad, in the context of left and right in general as well as antifascism and fascism and that he doesn't "condone the oppressed defending themselves with any means necessary" bc that, too, would include violence. He's defending the "right to free speech" even when right-wingers say really disgusting shit, he disagrees with prohibiting demonstrations of ppl who think that Corona is a hoax, he has zero empathy for ppl who are affected, who suffer long-term consequences from infections, not even for ppl who die from it (he literally said "people die anyway, that doesn't justify imprisoning everyone else") and somehow still thinks he has the moral high ground.

And the last bit he did was explaining to me, from his endocisallohet white guy perspective, how I'm "not discriminated against" bc gay ppl in my country can get married (only since 2017 btw) and when I, despite the fact that I shouldn't have had to and that it was a real blow to my mental health, wrote him a message that was almost the length of an essay, he calmly started to question my replies with the detachedness of someone who's discussing whether pineapple belongs on pizza and demanding further explanation. To top it off, he said that marginalized ppl have to always reply to everyone calmly and politely, no matter if it was offensive bc the person asking might be unaware of that. Otherwise, he said, everyone would be right to stop listening to us. Like, he literally said that we don't deserve human rights if we're not licking the boots of our oppressors if that way of thinking is followed through to the end.

I almost forgot, he also thinks that white ppl should have a say in whether something is a racist slur, or whether something is racist in general (we're both white, but at least I'm trying my best to unlearn what my upbringing taught me instead of being the cliché of the white person who goes "how dare you call me racist, I've never been more insulted in my whole life!", which is basically his reaction)

So up until this last fight, I conceded some ground to him to end the fights and keep him as a "friend" not only bc I feel horrible when I imagine losing one of my only irl friends but also bc I was hoping I could get through to him and educate him, to the best of my ability, on how to be a good ally to marginalized people. But the disregard with which he treats my explanations why the way he talked (wrote) about marginalized people is absolutely not okay and the fact that he just told me that he genuinely doesn't see how he did anything wrong even after I explained it to him in detail is just too much to bear at this point.

Oh, and while looking through the chat to prove him a liar I found that apparently, to him a promise is a promise, no matter whether it was given under pressure or voluntarily, so do with that what you will.

#toxic friendship? #rant

[risaonda]

i was friends with salem and when i found out about the things they did and i asked them about it they portrayed themselves as a reformed person and i genuinely believed them. they came off as a poor little defenseless uwu artist and said that they had changed and i’m just so baffled. i’m just sending this now because they’ve been brought up. like their partner is a pedo and they never apologized i’m having a moment here sorry they’re such a manipulative person it boggles my mind like???

honestly that part is like my biggest gripe with the whole thing. like i was willing to be like...what fucking ever, let sleeping dogs lie. obviously ur not ever going to actually address this and ur going to keep pushing to people that u’ve apologized and bettered urself, fine. but u better Actually be working on this shit then.

but when i have people coming to me to try starting shit? because “they apologized, this was years ago, ur just harassing them!!!” when a) they literally haven’t, b) it doesn’t matter how “long ago” abuse happened...time passing doesn’t mean it never happened and that the abuser shouldn’t be held accountable when Again, they literally haven’t apologized or tried changing their behavior and c) the literal only times i ever even talk about them is when people come to me about them and push and prod until i snap and say something? like I Do Not Think So. maybe after they actually address what they did so people stop coming to me saying i and several several other people are lying because “well THEY said this” then i won’t have to jump back in and be like “actually here’s literally exactly what happened. here’s proof that this is exactly what happened.”

they posted something a LONG while ago saying they’d apologized to all of us and i had someone ask me if that were true back when that happened, so i’ve even addressed this already before. the fact that it’s Still the narrative they are trying to push while i’m still getting randos in my inbox on occasion like that other person, lol. as i said before, that says WAY more than enough to me about how much they’ve really changed. they’re going to just keep pretending they’ve never done anything wrong and they can’t be held accountable because they said some hollow sorry before continuing to harass and abuse us. “it happened so long ago” because when i started speaking up about it, they went quiet and distanced themself and pretended they Did Not See It and let years pass before saying “it’s okay tho, i said sorry :)” without also actually doing anything to stop their fanbase from continuing to harass us for them (which i’m not surprised about considering when i wrote the call out, they made a post encouraging ppl to “Call Op Out On Their Bullshit” if they saw it)

but anyway. i don’t have much input on ur other message. i don’t see their art these days bc i don’t like. seek anything out about them, and i definitely am not following anyone anywhere that’d put that in my feed. i used to see it occasionally when i would go through the newest on toyhouse but i haven’t browsed through that in a while (i’ve just been on toyhouse less kjdfnh not because of them or anything but because I Am Avoiding My Writing <3 also i have irl stuff to focus on now so just less time to do that). but also this was a while ago and i can’t imagine it looks the same now as it did then

#also regarding their partner...again i don't have much to say about them #idk much about them beyond. they're one of the ppl that were part of A Particular Tumblr Situation from a while ago #and other things i've had ppl mention offhandedly to me. like so #but idk anything specific abt that #Anonymous #look an ask

[hana-and-her-bs]

IRL Hisoka's Bullshit: A Comprehensive Guide

Welcome to the long ass timeline of david’s lies and misdirections. Make sure you’ve got time before you read this, it’s almost 4,000 words long.

(hana, while editing this to post: please add a “keep reading” cut right here.)

Our tumblr family’s first encounter with David was when he made a headcanon request in my inbox. He asked for several characters with an s/o who is depressed and self harms, adding an extra comment on the fact that he wasn’t feeling well lately. When I refused this request and said he could talk to me about that if he wanted to, he sent in another anonymous ask apologizing for triggering me or anyone else and asked if he could tell me why he was feeling this way. I assured him that it wasn’t a big deal and referred him to several nonspecific helplines. He then sent in another ask, this time he coming off anon. He told me that he was trans and that his dysphoria was really bad lately. I answered this ask privately with several more specific hotlines and a little bit of advice. He thanked me in another ask and headed off to sleep. 

The next event in our little timeline is Hana’s hate anon. The earliest appearance I found was on July 29th, although I know there were some before that. This is only a hateful ask and not the essay that led to Hana’s hiatus. That essay was submitted by an anon on August 1st, and it got lots and lots of love and support from many, all of them rightfully telling Hana how amazing she is and defending her against the hate. Hana then announced she was going on hiatus. We believe David took notice of the attention she received here and decided he wanted a little of his own.

Mere hours after Hana’s hiatus announcement, she made a second post entitled “Hiatus of Hiatus (Momentarily)”. The body text of that post said, “Please stop Dming me and telling me not to kms. I’m not going to, I promise. I really don’t want to be reminded that I’m in a position where people think that I would do that. I’m sorry, I appreciate the concern, however, I’m not suicidal in the least.” 

These are the first few events in our timeline. Remember, every claim here is alleged. If we’re wrong about everything we look like assholes, so everything is alleged.

Now to the interesting part. On August 3rd, David made a post that said, and I quote, “Can you please, please stop sending things to my inbox saying ‘you’re still a girl’ and ‘you’re a fag and a tranny’ Please I’m so tired of it”. Are you noticing a pattern? The phrasing of this post is uncannily similar to the phrasing of Hana’s “Hiatus of Hiatus (Momentarily)” post. There were no posts about getting any asks on his blog at the time, and no one who has been following him since August 3rd remembers there being any. It’s unlikely he answered some in a post and then deleted them, as this doesn’t appear to be a habit of his in the future. In looking for receipts for this timeline, nothing we were looking for had been deleted. Not a single post. So it’s highly unlikely he somehow managed to post these anon messages and then delete them before any of us could read them. Another possibility is that he deleted the messages as soon as they entered his inbox, and that’s a reasonable argument. The only thing that makes this illogical is the fact that he posted every other anon message in the future. It makes no sense that he would delete the first ones and decide to answer the second ones publicly. It would make more sense if he had hate anons that he was posting first and then decided to delete the messages after he got fed up with them. But that’s not what happened, as you’ll see later.

At this point, David is only claiming to have hate anons. We have two theories for why he didn’t just send himself hate messages at first rather than only claiming to be receiving them. One is that he used this post as an interest gauge that he wanted to see if he’d get as much support as Hana did when that hate anon’s essay was posted. The second is that he hadn’t thought of the idea yet, that he hadn’t realized he could send them himself instead of waiting for someone else to come along and send some for him.

He then made a post on August 4th saying “I’m done. Absolutely, done. Wtf is wrong with you anon. telling me to kms. I’m doing what Hana did I forgot what it’s called tho. Fuck you anon. I’m waving my white flag [white flag emoji].” This is him saying he was going on hiatus like Hana had announced only 4 days prior. Again, there is no actual evidence of him receiving any real hate anon messages yet. It’s unlikely he did. Hana had 250 followers at the time of getting hate anons, while David had no more than 10. While it’s not impossible for him to have actually gotten hate anon messages, it’s highly, highly unlikely for reasons previously stated and reasons yet to come.

David didn’t really go on hiatus at all. To give him a little credit, he didn’t post anything notable for about 3 days after this, but I’d hardly call that a break. On August 7th, though, all hell broke loose.

August 7th was the most notable day in the entire timeline. Because this was the day when we saw the first actual hate anon messages. The first one he received said “Hi! I just wanted to say Your just a fucking tranny and a fag and god hates you. Please delete this app! Your fics aren’t even that good. They suck. Also kill your self nobody would care!” To which David replied a simple 3 dots. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never actually seen David write anything on his blog. I know he has, but I feel like you’d have to be awfully active on his page and have been there from the very beginning to know about the fact that he’s posted fanfiction. After the first post got a lot of backlash from myself and David’s other mutuals at the time, a second and third anon message came rolling in. These had a much more loving theme, however. They weren’t the hate anon, but a couple of anons supporting David (one of which was me). After David replied to those two positive anon messages, three more hate messages were posted with equal amounts of support for David in the replies as before. After that, three more love anons pulled in, again, one of which was myself. A final anon message appeared for the day, and with that, the hate anons were over for the 7th. He got another love anon after that. The next anon message posted was one of the last love anons asking for a request. Again, he doesn’t really write and the fact that requests were open wasn’t advertised or even written anywhere, leading us to believe this anon is also David himself. The anon asked for headcanons with a couple characters dating a demisexual girl. David said he’d have to do some research because he didn’t know what the term demisexual meant and asked a few more clarifying questions, claiming the headcanons would be posted “Monday or Tuesday”. It’s been over two weeks since then and no such headcanons were posted. This led us to believe that he was this anon, and that he was using this ask as fuel for future hate anon messages. The final thing that happened on the 7th was a request clearly made to trigger someone. It had mentions of suicide and sexual violence, both topics David has expressed he is uncomfortable around. Again, I think this message was sent by David for aforementioned reasons. He doesn’t really get requests and not many people knew he took them. However, to play devil’s advocate, he did get that anon message asking for a demisexual reader before this and this supposed “anon” could’ve gotten the idea there. Unlikely, but possible. (an added note after: I told David in a dm that day to turn off the anon option so that the hate anon could be traced, and he refused. Just an interesting detail.) That wraps up August 7th.

On August 8th, he posted that he punched a cop and was placed in a holding cell, being released sometime on the 8th. It’s unclear when he was originally placed in the cell, if this happened at all. After this, he received another hateful message, assumedly from the same anon as the previous night. This one criticized him for not knowing the meaning of demisexual and insulted his appearance and his writing once more. He apologized for not knowing the definition and moved on, until another message popped up insulting him and misgendering him. Both of these also got a lot of backlash from myself and his other mutuals at the time. We were encouraging the hate anon to come after us instead of David in these, which will come into play later. He also got 4 more love anon messages, one of which seemed to be written by him. It said, “I love your writing, sir. Pls don’t listen to rude people. I hope I rote this correctlly English is my second language.” As Hana can confirm, non-native English speakers simply don’t type this way. It was very clearly written by someone with English as their first language pretending to be someone who didn’t know the language very well. This looks to me like he has been sending himself multiple love anon messages to encourage other real people to do the same, and he’s trying to make it look like there’s a lot of different people supporting him rather than the same few, which leads us to believe several other love anons were also David himself. Again, all of this is alleged, it’s just what it looks like from here. After those few love anons, the hate anon appeared again, only this time, it was in Anarchy’s inbox. Anarchy defended David fiercely, much to David’s satisfaction, I imagine. There were multiple exchanges between Anarchy and this supposed hate anon, each time Anarchy responded with a lengthy paragraph about how much she appreciated David. In one of the anon messages, the anon used David’s deadname, which he never listed on his profile (obviously). You might think that’s damning, but he explains it away later. The last things that happened on the 8th was that he made a post saying how much he hated being with his mom and step mom due to then treating him unfairly. This led to a post that said, “Hi this is davids step mother. I don’t understand why he has been saying these things. I will be taking his phone because I have never done this to him.” This is unlikely for a number of reasons. How did the step mom know what he was saying if we almost know for sure she doesn’t have tumblr without having taken his phone already? And who makes a Tumblr post about taking their step son’s phone away right after doing it? It reminds me a lot of that one Xbox live chat where the kid pretended to commit suicide and then acted like his father messaging the person who “caused his suicide,” but I digress. He later updated his followers by saying he didn’t let her take his phone. Riiiiight. Okay. Moving on.

August 9th was a big day for David, or at least for who he’s portraying himself to be. Not at first, though. This was the day he claims to have moved in with his boyfriend and the day he was proposed to. Or at least, that’s what he wants us to think. But we’ll get to that in a second. The first thing of note that he posted that day was that he was having trouble with his dysphoria, which led to multiple anon messages reaffirming his gender identity. He also posted a storytime that also supposedly happened that day about going to the beach. To quote it: “So me and my boyfriend went to go for a walk along the beach. We’re walking and I have to go to the bathroom luckily there was a restaurant not to far from there so I just ran because ya bitch had to pee. Anyways a girl started hitting on my boyfriend while I was In the bathroom (he told me and i saw when i came back) so i’m walking back up and what do I see? a girl really close to my boyfriend and she has her hand on his shoulder so i start To walk over there and my boyfriend sees me and runs and jumps into my arms and kisses me. The girl rolls her eyes and leaves. I’m a blushing mess from the PDA. I put him down and go get Ice cream.” Now, this is just a nitpicky thing, nothing to do with the rest of the points made. But that story looks like it was ripped right off of r/thattotallyhappened I’m so sorry if it was actually true but at this point, with how much he’s (*ahem* allegedly) lied about, I wouldn’t put it past him. Back to the main thing that happened on the 9th. This is the first point we have definitive proof for. If you reverse image search the image David posted of the engagement ring, it brings up the following pages:

And what do we see when we click on one of those links?

A list of different kinds of wedding rings and their respective pros and cons, including this very image. I think it’s safe to say this website didn’t rip this photo from David’s tumblr page. Get excited, people! This is indisputable evidence that he lied and there’s no way to explain his way out of it! Awesome. Moving right along, this is getting hella long. 

August 10th. Nothing really notable about this day, David posted a submission about how to block anons though. This was also the day that the hate anon came into my inbox instead. Not to attack me, but to attack David. Again, at this point we’re going with the assumption that David is the anon. I defended him again, and when I got sick of it I turned off the anon option to see what would happen and surprise surprise, no more anon messages. That’s about all that happened on the 10th.

On the 11th he claimed to have gotten r*pe and death threats without posting the anon messages. At this point, it’s almost reasonable to believe he deleted them right out of his inbox and moved on. Almost.

On the 12th, the hate anon was back in my inbox. They sent me two asks, one of which I responded to and the other I didn’t. At the second one, I blocked the anon’s IP address, meaning that they could never send me another ask again, anon or not. What’s damning about this is that after this day, I never got another ask from David again. Normally he’d at least send something while ask games were going around, but from that point on I got absolutely nothing. This is almost definitive proof that David was his own hate anon.�� Another thing that happened that day, after Hana flirted with me a little bit publicly he encouraged us to date. That’s wrong for a number of reasons and seems extra creepy now, but we won’t be getting into that now.

Things died down a bit until the 15th. This is the day the hate anon supposedly forgot to press “ask anonymously” and revealed themselves. The account was someone he claimed to be his sister, but the entire account was based around David and there was no previous activity and as soon as all the (*cough* manufactured) “drama” died down, the account disappeared. Just stopped existing altogether. We think David used this account to explain how the hate anon seemed to know him so well, even though the account seemed a lot like it was created and run by David. There was a dm conversation between David and this sister account posted on David’s account, basically with the sister insulting him and him responding very calmly to that. He only posted the hate message the sister sent off anon after he’d said it was his sister. What I’m wondering is how David knew this account was his sister by just reading the username. If there was no previous history (indicative of the account being created with the sole purpose being to hate David) how did he know it was his sister? It’s not like he’d think to just ask her irl if that was her account. Another thing that happened on the 15th was a post about him talking with his uncle. To quote: “I was on the phone with my uncle (who hasn’t seen me in 7 years) and he asks how old i am and when I tell him, he gets so quiet. Like is he surprised?” Notice how he doesn’t list a specific age in the post. He’s told everyone in the tumblr family group a different number, and he’s trying not to allude to that fact. He also claims to have had a big verbal argument with his “fiancee” that day where his fiancee threw his ring at him and packed up for his sister’s house on the 15th only 6 days after their alleged engagement. We don’t get another update on that until the next day, the 17th. 

The 17th was when “Jackson” and David officially broke up.

On the 20th, a mysterious account called “jackson-periodt” showed up, reblogging David’s posts publicly begging David to take him back. But David refused. Like the sister account, this account had no previous history and disappeared after the “drama” subsided. The fact that we know now that he definitely lied about being engaged brings up all kinds of questions. What did he tell the truth about? Or, to be more apt, what didn’t he lie about? Is anything he’s told us true? Was he ever even dating a “Jackson”? And who asks for a second chance PUBLICLY on TUMBLR?

Then the 22nd, when all the pedophilia and predation came to light, David issued a half assed apology and hasn’t been heard from since. At least on his main account.

  For awhile, there’d been a Carolina anon going around the tumblr family’s blogs and everything. 

When David’s predation was brought to light, they came off anon, sporting the URL @/carolina209. Awfully similar to the Jackson alias, don’t you think? It’s just like the other accounts, the sister one and the Jackson one. No previous history, no profile picture, no banner, nothing but a title and a bio. You’d think they’d be a little more fleshed out, but they’re just… not. This Carolina anon was in everyone’s inboxes in our little tumblr family besides mine. That might be because they just don’t want to talk to me, or it could be because the hate anon, David, and Carolina accounts all have the same IP address that I blocked. Outlandish, I know. But if you look on the @/hana-and-her-bs account and all the screenshots of dms between Hana and Carolina, it starts to look a little more believable. Carolina’s flighty, her stories don’t add up. And she’s claiming to be a BNHA writer without having done any actual writing or anything to allude to the fact that they even actually like writing. Sound familiar? It should. Now, again, playing devil’s advocate here, it’s very possible she just hasn’t gotten around to posting any writing yet. After all, her account has seemingly only been around a few days. But she got real close to us all real quick, especially to Logan, the previous object of David’s revolting behavior. The Carolina account has tried to make it very clear that they’re a minor. If David is behind it (which we’re 99% certain of), this absolutely discredits his entire apology post. If he was truly sorry, he wouldn’t be trying it a second time.

Another thing that convinces me David is behind this Carolina account is that Carolina is defending the fact that David’s a minor. Not outright, but subtly. If you check those aforementioned screenshots, you’ll see what I mean. The account implies it has proof that David is 16-17. It seems like he’s trying a little too hard to sell this “innocent little girl who’s just soooo afraid of the scary bad man” persona on this alt account. The whole thing is just a little suspicious.

  And that’s everything we have so far. It’s a lot, I know (3.8k words worth my lord), but I hope you can all understand just how deep this goes. We thought this was a simple case of predation, when in reality it’s a very clear pattern of insecurity and compulsive lying. Again, all of this is alleged (except the ring part. That’s not alleged, that’s definitive proof) so don’t @ me, alright? Alright.

  Dishonorable mentions: 

He claims his birthday is on August 5th, while the Carolina account (supposedly a close real life friend of his, but we think is actually David) says his birthday is the 6th.

He told me he went on a first date with a boy 2 months ago, then got engaged on the 9th. When I asked him how long they’d been dating, he said 3 years, then he clearly claimed to have been dating him for 7. It doesn’t add up. 

Claims his dad left him and then days later says his dad is the nicest person you’d ever meet and that he lives with his dad while his sister lives with his mom. Again, doesn’t add up.

He reblogged anti-pedo posts about having pedo apologists unfollow him, and said, “its disgusting how two people unfollowed me.” while literally being a pedo. This one’s more funny than annoying or disgusting.

The alleged sister account, @/okay-but-who-asked? They liked one of my posts, and I can’t prove it at all, but it’d be HELLA funny if it was because David forgot to switch accounts before liking my content. 

  A closing statement: David, if you’re reading this, please take a break from tumblr. From all social media, honestly. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I’ve said this over and over again, but I’m gonna say it again because it’s important. If you’re going to use your platform like this, you don’t deserve a platform. Full stop. Please take a break and come back when you learn how to act like a decent truth-telling human being. This story is honestly really sad to think about, the fact theory that you’re so insecure you made a hate anon persona to get attention. There are better ways to make friends, man, trust me. Get a therapist and figure it out. Pedophilia isn’t a valid coping mechanism.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Thank you, Babe! A timeline to keep in mind for the grand finale, which is postponed. For the time being, please try your hardest to make a friend like bond with Carolina, for I’ll be gone for 5 days starting tomorrow. After that, shit will hit the fan. ❤️❤️❤️ Hana

@jmeyerss​ @gayfanficanonymous​ @anarchytheselfshipper​ @red-riot-rat​ @squishytenya​

[spnreactionblogging]

LAST HOLIDAY

spoilers below - backdated from 10/9/020

oh hey abaddon, is alaina huffman in this? that would be nice all these beheadings, damn I couldn't watch this live when it aired because I don't have cable but I bought season 15 on amazon this time last fucking year so technically any time after 2AM I could've watched it, not actually sure I'll make it through everything tonight because I started at 10pm and I am Tired the livestream misha did was fun for the first 30 minutes but then I had to turn it off to avoid spoilers so I guess I will revisit that later I like sam's flannel in this one too. like gold, light grey, dark grey? A+. this is queer flannel. this is from EXPRESS, not Kohl's the bunker has a gas stove I guess which I should've known having all the appliances fail suddenly is very relatable to me and perhaps one of the worst monsters of all don't mock luigi, he knows how to deal with ghosts sam has the plans and dean just smashes buttons god that burger does look great "meat man" who wrote this one ah the dean deluxe the scooby doo boxers are pretty cute honestly who is jeremy adams 1958, yeesh "everybody?" "everybody's dead" standby mode huh, were they supposed to have like... lights this plot is very narnia, wake up to find out everyone you loved is dead they have extra abilities in the lead-up to the final boss, and the network is willing to spend more on the electricity to give them more lighting sam is right to doubt anything ever being good is anyone going to tell jack they're leaving him alone with some random person and lmao thank you sam as I was typing this he pointed that out jack's shirt/sweater looks very cozy snickerdoodles are great magic roomba... thanks for calling him the son of satan, lucifer doesn't even want to be called satan "ignoring your trauma doesn't make you healthy" THANK YOU SAM time + space, indeed uh just throwing this out there he could use some emotional support too probably please accept this sandwich as an offer of solidarity god it's nice to see alex be allowed to emote again leave these guys alone, they're drinking blood packs with curly straws aw, come on :( those guys didn't deserve that I guess if she's a wood nymph she can summon a christmas tree? where's the secret christmas decoration storage room in the bunker yeah tell sam to smile :\ I hate holidays except halloween god I love how jack waves I do love how much jensen loves wearing goofy outfits, this made me smile big time. I'm glad they clearly had so much fun on the set with this stuff especially knowing what comes next IRL :( she's right to be worried about his cholesterol just waiting for the other shoe to drop with something terrible befalling this group watching dean run in that outfit is hilarious poor jack doesn't deserve all this but I'm glad that she's helping him kind of work through the grief where the fuck is cas so it seems like ultra fucked up to be watching them do no-knock shit into people's homes and shooting them no questions asked, and it has always seemed fucked up but right now the methodical nature of this and their goofy smiles taking packed lunches while setting out to murder people minding their own business is not cool with me and never has been the 50s were bad, actually god sam has the hammer of thor. thank fuck. is it may? is it sam's birthday in-universe? what files was she going through, eyes emoji jack is smart, actually oh boy is she brainwashed, are they keeping her held hostage with magic or something, because the men of letters don't give a FUCK about monsters and will use them jack's a millennial and can look up instructions for how to operate a reel to reel and 100% knows what it is because he lives in the bunker "son of a bitch" jack's spending too much time with dean sam has a big date huh, I hope it's with eileen "abercrombie and bitch" IT IS EILEEN!!! dean should definitely be nicer to sam poor jack has no one to turn to for help :( where is cas!!!! can they not afford to pay misha also I don't feel sorry for nazis there are a lot of beheadings on this show, pulling someone's head off definitely seems like yanking on a plant vs pruning it with sharp pruning shears or whatever oh you're shitty lady "do you ever think they're scared of what you'll do to someone else" uh yeah there was that time they locked him in a coffin please stop hurting this child if she's so sure sam and dean would approve then she'd do it when sam and dean can see her yeah I am not surprised she was poisoning him MAKE THE BUNKER SAFE AGAIN!!!!! maga shit, get rid of all the monsters, says a monster the writing here is.... iffy. little heavyhanded dean's thinking about it, that's what's so fucked. like "look I already tried to kill him one time" we just keep comparing jack to snakes but I prefer when yockey's doing it sam looks so much like vincent from silent hill 3 in this outfit sam really is the smart one. jack's a child, he hasn't had a lot of experience with this. dean... I guess tried to explain what he wanted but didn't realized he'd get overruled but sam is smart because sam knows how to deal with witchy shit. like he'd survive in a hansel and gretel situation. GET HIM JACK GET HIM this is BULLSHIT dean tried to kill him and he didn't answer the question re: "do you still think i'm a monster" fuuuuuck this WHERE IS CASTIEL, why is jack always trapped alone with dean and unable to get away OTL dean won't admit he himself is a monster either lol oops. or that sam is. oops!! dean is mourning the loss of omelets and his new mom who can cook and some semblance of normality "evil mary poppins" is very funny to me because I've been watching venture bros and dr killinger has been showing up how long has this been actually? sam's birthday is in may, did they actually celebrate all those holidays in real time? I got the impression that it was a holidays-speedrun but now I'm doubting myself why is it always torture THANK YOU SAM!! SAM SAID IT!!!! "jack is not a monster, he's a kid who's gone from one tragedy to another" THANK YOU!!! sam just won so many points with me for saying it out loud "pain is just weakness leaving the body" huh, at least it opened the door :\ sam poor baby lost all his fucking fingernails trying to stand up for jack :( it's wild seeing smoeone's eyes glow green this is why cas can't be here, because castiel could just stop her just go back to your forest lady sam's right, the men of letters just use monsters for their own ends sam goes "we care about him" dean goes "oh yeah jack's useful" which to be fair dean's trying to logic/rationalize it, that the world needs jack, but I don't know that those lines would have been reversed insofar as characterization feeling authentic she's having trouble processing her own grief ah yeah there it is "sorry I ripped your fingernails off one by one" yeah god she hasn't seen the sun in decades?? "it's an interdimensional geoscope" "I looked into it earlier and didn't see anything" "oh that's... not good" I'm glad sam and jack are talking about how jack is feeling and if he needs to talk I'm glad dean is cooking happy birhday jack where is castiel for this I have mixed feelings but I guess this turned out okay, still waiting for DEAN TO APOLOGIZE TO JACK? but dean never apologizes to anyone. the cake is a step in the right direction but cake doesn't make up for locking him in a box and threatening to kill him several times over, sorry

#s15e14

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

#txt #mine

[emeraldwaves]

Hi everyone!! I think it’s so important to highlight and honor our amazing fic writers! I love so many people in various fandoms and so many lovely people have given me so much joy from both their friendship and their writing!! I’m going to do these posts by fandom, so finally, I’ll be posting about K Project. I KNOW it’s been a long time since I’ve been writing K Project, but it is still so important to me and means so much <3

@its-love-u-asshole - LOL ADRI... where do I even begin. TBH you could have your own whole damn post for how much I love you, and I would rec every single fic you’ve written. You’ve been my biggest support for YEARS and this year has been extra amazing. We’ve gotten to hang out IRL so much, AX was just amazing and of course our awesome movie watching times and macrons LOL I know we’re not technically in the same fandom (even though I sometimes dabble in HQ stuff) but you are ALWAYS supporting me, reading my bullshit, dealing with me when I’m being depressing and always pick me up when I’m down. I’m not sure why you put up with me but ffff I love you so much!!! We finally COLLABED this year and I just love your collab fic so much! I can’t tell you how happy that made me. Thank you for being the most amazing person, your writing is just INCREDIBLE and watching you improve and grow has just been the best thing. I am gonna rec Shaking in my Skull specifically, cause it will always be one of my favs, it’s so beautiful and I’m sure you like some of your HQ stuff more, but SIMS is so amazing. like you should be so proud. 

@theweakestthing - I feel like this was maybe a weird fandom category to put you in Robyn, but I wanted to include you no matter what because even though we haven’t had time to talk lately, I will always love and respect you as a writer. You’ve written the most AMAZING fics for both K and Daiya. You’ve always been such an inspiration to me and I’ll never forget how excited I was when you actually liked and supported my stuff. I know it’s not K but I always have to rec folie a deux cause I will forever be in love with it and you <3

@missgine - GINEEEEEEE!! I feel like you’ve always been one of my biggest supporters, especially of Mikorei. I can never get over how amazing your comments are and how amazing your SMUT is LOL! Seriously, I don’t think I’ve met someone who writes smut as well as you do. You are such a fun person and I love you so much. You deserve all the joy in the world. I hope we can all write Mikorei together again eiojsdkml. my body is always one of my favs of yours and Bs <3

@silverwings104 - B!!!!! ILUUUU I love freaking out with you about ALL the pairings whether it be K, Kingdom Hearts, FF, or BHNA it’s always so so much fun! It was also SO AWESOME getting to meet you at AX!!! I am always so excited to plot ideas with you and have you plot with me and I love reading your stuff and trading ideas and thoughts, you are so fun and great! I can’t believe we saw the Mikorei movie together! Until The End always hurts my soul <3

@darksylvir - SOFFFF you are so incredible and I am so happy we will always be a part of the Mikorei crew! Your Moulin Rouge fic is seriously one of my favorite fics of ALL TIME. I just LOVE Damocles. It’s so creative and amazingly written. I think it was one of the first Mikorei fics I got so super invested in! I know you are destined to be an amazing writer and do awesome things, and we are always cheering you on <3

@brynne-lagaao - Brynne, You are such an incredibly talented author. I will always adore Give It Two Weeks, it was so fun reading with everyone and getting so hyped and excited. It was such a sweet fic and I loved everything you did with. I also will always be such a fan of your smut too cause it always felt so realistic to me? It was sexy but REAL and I LOVED that. I also always felt like your AUs were so creative and fun. You’re fantastic and I hope you know you’re an awesome writer <3

@melonsflesh - Meruuuuuuu! You are so sweet and so talented. I am always SO impressed by everything you do and write... your sarumi fics were always some of my favs. Your nature reserve fic, Bear With Me will ALWAYS be one of my favs, I just LOVE how you characterize both of them. Your writing sucks me and I can’t stop once I start one of your fics. You’re so sweet and supportive too, I love seeing you and Tasha being goofy on my TL <3 ILU so much even if we’re not always in the same fandoms!

@saruhiko-bb - TASHAAAA ILU!!!! Getting to meet you at AX this year was honestly so wonderful. We made so many amazing memories and omg you made me laugh so much. I’ve always considered you an amazing writer and Sugar was one of my fav fics to follow. I’m SO sorry I fell behind and I really gotta get my K project spark back and catch up. ALSO im SO LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR MIKOREI!

@chromekins - I LOVE YOU AND ASH SO MUCH!! Ahhh getting to spend so much time with you at AX this year was just AMAZING!!! I had so much fun spending the majority of the con with you guys. PLEASE COME BACK LOL! I know you guys aren’t really in the K fandom anymore, but I’m happy we’re all still friends, and I will always adore Quickening, your writing is so stunning and you’re just so amazing <3 I know I cried reading it ;---; <3

@ridiasfangirlings - Ridia, you have so many amazing fics, it’s always hard for me to pick one to rec. Your Reisaru, Afford, has always been one of my all time favorites, but Make a Shadow always holds a special place in my heart. I loved that fic, your imagery and writing was just so so perfect and I love love love everything about it. One of my favorite soulmate fics for sure!!

Here are a few extra fics I love from K! 

Becoming (ReiSaru) - an amazing canon future fic!  Nautilus (ReiSaru/Mikorei/Sarumi) - the coolest ABO ever!!

I know this is a super long post and I apologize… i ESPECIALLY apologize if I forgot anyone!! I am on vacation using my PC so I feel really off and I’m certain i left SOMETHING or SOMEONE off…. so I am super sorry, but thank you to EVERYONE who has read and commented and supported my K fics, you all are AMAZING. I am sorry I don’t write for it as much anymore, but I’m hoping to do some Mikorei for mikorei week!! <3 <3

#k project #fic writer appreciation #fic rec #<3

[eorzean-capitalist]

So, now that I’ve had some time to think about it.  Let’s break this down.

A couple reasons, honestly.

One: If someone has gone out of their way to avoid contact with me, I think it would be inappropriate to publicly air out issues between us.

This is an excuse.  There are definitely a number of people who have publicly come forward and said ‘Oz did this.’  And even provided screenshots of what you did and said to them.  These are all things you can publicly apologize for.  I’m not sure what you mean by ‘publicly air’ any issues.   What this tells me is you are still clinging to this belief that said people are ‘bad actors’, and not worthy of a direct apology sans excuses or reasons why what you did was at least somewhat justified.  That there is some kind of argument to be had, because you don’t actually believe you were entirely in the wrong.  (Hint: You were.)

As for people who have not come forward.  You don’t need to name names, you KNOW what you did.  And if you cannot remember, that’s staggeringly awful.  Do you have so many victims that you cannot even recall?  Think about that, long and hard.

I know I would have a hard time not being incredibly cynical about that coming from someone else and I wouldn't expect differently from others.

That is for your victims to decide, not you.  So far, both your attempts at apologies have fallen woefully short.  

 I really don't think there's a way to do that in remotely good taste and I think THAT is definitely an example of someone trying to control a narrative.

Oh there’s a way to do it tastefully, you just don’t seem capable of it without this highfalutin language and weird dancing around the actual apology thing you are engaging in.

I want to avoid just talking past people, if that makes sense?

You are failing miserably.  You’ve been talking in circles every time you address this.

Two: Even with the people who haven't done that, I think it's pretty inappropriate to publicly air out those kinds of issues. I don't think it's possible to own and fully discuss your bad choices and where exactly you went wrong without talking about the context.

No.  You can figure out the context yourself, your victims and the community at large do not care what the circumstances were.  They only know you abused people, and would like to see some actual remorse from you sans excuses.  Go see a real therapist, take all this stuff to them, and work out your issues.  For the apology, don’t bother.  Just say ‘I did the thing, I admit I did the thing and I am sorry I did the thing’.  No one wants to hear your bullshit word salads anymore.

A good example of one is where there was someone who was defending a pretty skeevy individual, I took some nasty gossip at face value and acted on it in a pretty gross, reactionary way. There is no way to talk about that in specific detail that doesn't look like I'm saying, "See? Other people are bad too!"

... that is precisely the kind of bullshit you’ve been doing, Oz.  I’m glad you’re aware of it.  But do you really have to say ‘I did this because of bad gossip?;  No.  Just say ‘I targeted someone unfairly, I apologize for doing that.’  See? It’s not hard.  

I think an important part of the kind of self-examination that should come after you realise you've been acting like a real piece of shit is looking at the things you reacted to and why, exactly, you reacted that way. It's great to say you'll never do something again, but if you don't examine the reasons you had and why you acted poorly in response to those reasons, saying that is meaningless.

Yes, but these are self examination things you can do without involving the community/your victims.  This is where YOU do the work, without dragging us along for the ride.  You take this to a therapist, you sit down with them, and you work out why you did these things.  (And please, get a therapist that won’t let you devolve into excusing yourself because hey, some of these people were bad so that makes me going abusive angry on them and anyone who dared to speak to them ok.)

You do this on your own time, away from everyone you hurt.  You show eventually that you have learned, by your actions, not your purple prose.  

Three: It's REAL clear there are some hard lines being drawn here by a few people and it is my genuine worry that me putting anyone on the spot to publicly forgive me, hear me out, or whatever else puts them at risk of falling on the wrong side of a line.

Oh cut it out with the fucking dramatic bullshit ‘I’m so worried about the people I hurt’.   You weren’t even remotely worried about these people when you were publicly cutting them down on your Tumblr.  In the last hours of the secrets blog, you were flailing around so much you were striking at shadows, naming names left and right.  Where was your concern then?  

No, you’re more worried about your public persona right now and how you’ll be perceived.  There I can’t entirely blame you, both of your apologies were met with a chilly reception, because they were bullshit.  You don’t seem to understand what people want from you, or you are reluctant to give them what they’re asking for: An apology without excuses.

No one has to hear you out.  Some of your victims don’t want an apology, but you should give it all the same.  Without excuses, without having to examine why you did what you did.  Without needing to directly contact them to discuss the matter.  If they want to talk to you, that's their business.  There are no hard lines being drawn here by anyone but you.

This just looks like another excuse to not have to actually apologize.  

Alternatively, it's the "public proposal" effect and I think that's a social pressure that's really pretty gross. If someone wants to just rage at me, I think giving them the benefit of a private space to just go off isn't a bad idea.

And giving you the space for you to gaslight them is just as dangerous.  I do not forget how you came to me right after my initial breakdown of your first apology.  (Btw, you can add ‘trying to gaslight captain-ameribunny’ to your list of things to apologize for.)  You tried to actually make yourself a victim to me and I was having none of it.  I don’t care why you did it, I only know you did do it and that you need to apologize for doing it.

I obviously don't have much right to ask people to not examine everything I do in the most cynical way possible, but there are things that are wrong to do for cynical reasons that are also right to do for uncynical reasons. It's not the action that's wrong, it's the motivation behind it.

What. The. Shit. Is. This.  

Are you actually complaining that people are reading what you write and taking it at face value?  See, this is why no one believes you, Oz.  Because you say things like this and we all realize you’re nothing but a bullshit artist.  You’re more worried about people’s perception of you, than in fixing this situation that you caused.  

Also, your motivations aren’t relevant.  Figure that out on your own.  Don’t make me or anyone else have to sit through your self discovery.  

I've reached out to a few people who've invited it and I'm not going to talk about how those conversations went because I think that would look like trying to profit off a conversation that didn't happen in public and the other party might not care to talk about.

Good, leave them out of your bullshit.

I'm trying to tactful and also I guess tactical about who I talk to and when. It's something that has to come in steps, it's a process. I spent a while fucking up, unfucking this situation isn't going to happen in one day.

No, see, that’s where you are wrong.  Well, ok, going to a therapist and figuring this shit out with them will definitely take time.  Learning how to not be an abuser is sometimes a lifelong process, and one you should get started on immediately.

But for the victims left in the wake of your abuse?  You can end this right now.  Apologize, without excuses or blaming others, and then leave.  Let them have the game again without fear of running into you.  Let them breathe again, without worrying you’re around the next corner.  Your victims have anxiety about being anywhere near you or running into you.  Many of them have quit Tumblr and FFXIV, just to get well away from you.  Let them have both, without your presence there to remind them of the trauma you caused them.

Pack your bags.  Hand off your FC.  And leave.  Go sort out your shit irl with a real therapist.  Then prove to everyone you’ve changed by action, not bullshit word salads that no one believes anymore.  Your credibility is gone.

#abusive people #thelegendofkungjew #long post

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #158

nsfw warning, there’s quite a lot of sexual questions in this one.

Where was the very first kiss you had with the last person you kissed? My back porch. Do you have a best friend?  If you don't count Sara, no. As a kid, did you ever get in trouble for drawing on the wall?  No. What are your #1 priorities in life?  My mental health. Have you ever had your mouth washed out with soap as a kid?  Been threatened with it, but no. Do you believe in a lot of conspiracies?  The only one off the top of my head that I believe may have some credence is the "our world is a simulation" theory.  It sounded ridiculous to me before I learned more about it.  If you're into this stuff, I totally recommend reading about it, it truly is interesting.  I lean more towards that it's false, but.  Possible. Being told to eat more is as offensive as being told to eat less?  Hm, not sure.  I guess it depends on the situation the person is in. Have you ever seen a ghost?  I believe so. What emotion are you most likely to hide?  Jealousy. Explain why you last ‘had to lie’.  Because I knew she'd be mad if I told her the truth, she called me out and I sincerely apologized, told her why I lied, and, as expected, was mad about it. (: Feeling guilty about anything?  Not really. Have you ever been through a phase of thinking emo guys were hot?  That phase never ended lmao. How old does someone have to be to be officially an ‘adult’ to you?  18. Anything you find gross that no one else does?  Probably... but nothing's coming to me.  Oh, actually ear gauges. ^ what about attractive?  Well I know some people hate most piercings besides ears. Have you ever dated someone that could play an instrument?  Well Girt played in high school band, but I doubt he still knows how to play. What makes you nervous?  Um everything????? Weirdest picture you’ve ever taken of yourself?  Who the hell even knows, but probably those pictures I took with Summer years back. Any bridges near where you live?  I mean, no *big* ones.  But I mean bridges are everywhere? Do you have a Gameboy?  Yeah, old as fuck. What do you do when you feel alone?  Most likely talk to Sara. Have you ever traveled by train?  No. Do you have a dirty mind?  Not especially. Ever had to have someone help you walk before?  Yes, after I fainted or when I've been very dizzy. Ever been kicked out of anywhere?  No. Do you truly HATE anyone?  Not anyone I personally know, but like rapists, abusive people, etc. Most historical/famous landmark/building you’ve been to in your country?  No clue. How long does it take you to apply your makeup?  It depends on what I'm putting on, but not too long regardless. Favorite flavor for most things?  Strawberry or chocolate, depending on what it is. Do you care what people you don’t know think about you?  Maybe a bit too much. Ever taken pictures in a photobooth? Who with?  Yeah, friends, ex-boyfriend. When was the last time your computer had to be repaired?  Now lol.  I've been using my sis's old one for months. Do you know how to knit? If so, do you do it often?  No. Have you ever flown before? If not, do you ever intend to?  Yesss, learned to love it.  If I have the window seat. How annoying are your neighbors?  The old woman to the left is super nice, according to Mom.  Don't know much about the ones to the right, other than my initial judgment is kinda negative just because of how they kept filthy yard sale shit in the front yard for literally months.  It's probably very shallow to judge over that, but like.  It doesn't make you look very good to keep couches and such sitting out in the elements with the intent for someone to actually buy that. Have you bought anyone their Christmas presents yet?  No. What are three of your favorite songs to sing?  Hmmm, not sure.  Lately I guess "This Is The House That Doubt Built" by AD2R, "High Hopes" by P!ATD, aaaand.  I should know this.  I sing in the car quite a lot lately.  OH maybe "LA Devotee" also by P!ATD, Brendon's just great to sing along with. What is your favorite ride at the fair?  Ahhh ferris wheels.  But I also love carousels my fat ass will still ride them. Would you ever marry someone who was lower class?  I usually delete purely stupid questions, but????  Honestly fuck you if that's a deciding factor???????  Work together to climb out of the lower class, the fuck?????????????? What color is your recliner?  We don't have one. Who do you write letters to the most?  I don't really write letters, but I've sent Sara a few lovey-dovey notes. Who is a singer that has given you chills?  Amy Lee. Do you get carsickness?  No. Which style of wedding dress is your favorite?  BALLGOWN. What’s a good boy’s name that starts with the same letter as yours?  The name that immediately came to mind is Bryson. Name 5 things you don’t believe in.  Horoscopes, soulmates, tarot cards/fortune telling, prayer doing absolutely anything, and the fucking outrageous anti-vaxxers.  A fucking disease that hasn't been seen in forever came back recently because of their bullshit.  Vaccinate your damn kids, for the love of god. If you had all the money you needed and didn’t have to work, what would you do to fill your time?  T R A V E L Do you ever get nervous about where your future is headed or are you just going with the flow?  Both.  Don't know which I lean more towards. Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed?  No. Have you ever held hands with the same sex?  Yes. What is your mom saved as in your phone?  "mama bear." Ever made out in a pool?  Maybe very briefly??  I don't remember. Do you change your phone background a lot?  Nah. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?  No. Do you tend to fall for people who don’t return your feelings? History says not usually. Who is someone you aspire to be like? Does anyone??????  Who reads these?????????  Not know??????????????????????? Do you believe in fate? No.  You make it.  What would honestly be the point of living if fate was true?  You're just walking through a story instead of writing it. Do you believe that humans are inherently good or evil? I lean more towards mostly good, judging by how we have a natural conscience. What turns you on? VERBALLY EXPRESSING YOU LOVE ME, sarcasm wars, "make me"/that kind of shit, playfighting, do not grab my hips or it's over, neck kisses, lip bites. What is your favorite type of foreplay?  Don't play with my boobs or it's also over. Do you believe in the death penalty?  For extreme offenses like rape and murder with no sign of guilt or wanting to heal, fuck yes I do.  I'm not even sure if you should give them a chance at rehabilitation. Do you use sex toys? By yourself or with a partner, or both?  No, but being with a girl now, I would. Have you ever done role-play?  Not irl/sexually because FUCKING AWKWARD, but I'm a serious forum meerkat RPer, in other words it's not a silly/playing around thing, but literally writing a story with others. Favorite sex position? If you’re a virgin, which position interests you? Uhhh no clue of the name, but probably where I'm pretty much sitting on his lap with my legs around him. Favorite dessert?  Hmmmm probably cake. What quote or mantra do you live by? Mark's "life hard, shouldn't you be too?" because it's the best inspirational innuendo I've ever heard. Where is the craziest place you’ve ever done it? Uh I guess the floor, nothing really notable. Do you judge people for what they wear or how they express themselves? It depends.  Definitely not by what they wear.  If how you're expressing yourself is harmful to others, yes, I will judge you. What was the best orgasm you’ve ever had? I've never had one.  I was right on the verge once, but panicked and stopped because I was actually kinda fearful with how extreme it felt.  And my family was home so I was worried about crying out. Do you shave or trim your pubic hair?  Trim a bit, yes, but I don't pay much mind to it. Have you ever/would you ever do anal? Nononono noooot into anything going up my ass. Biggest sexual fantasy?  Don't really have one. What’s more important- length or width?  Why?  I'd imagine length because depth, but I've only done one guy, so I wouldn't really know.  There are so many dirty questions in this one. What are you known for by your friends and family? The meerkat-obsessed, very reclusive and quiet weird one. What is a dish you are dying to try?  Nothing, really. What political affiliation do you associate yourself with?  Independent.  I'm such a mix. What is the worst experience you’ve ever had with food? Diarrhea to the point of blood AT MY GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE FOR MY FIRST STAY after I tried a way rarer steak than I enjoy.  My stomach is seeeensitive to "different" food. Do you talk dirty during sex? Not very much, I'm shy. My relationship with my siblings: Not real impressive.  I'm not as close as I wish I was to any of them. My relationship with my parents:  Good.  Mom is everything. What I find attractive in girls:  I will find good tattoos attractive on.  Anyone.  ESPECIALLY SLEEVES. Favorite video game series?  Silent Hill. Favorite video game hero?  Spyro.  Duh.  I'm getting a small and adorable tat of him some day. Favorite video game villain?  Pyramid Head, if you consider him a "villain." Favorite video game boss?  Hmmm as far as fighting goes, most likely Avion from SotC.  Phalanx is my favorite in general, but getting on it two-three times is so tedious. Least favorite video game boss? I hate the Cenobia fight also in SotC so much.  Takes forfuckingever to get its armor off, anyone who's played that game knows the amount of flailing/losing your grip is horrendous, and if it knocks you down once you're most likely fucked. Do you like t-shirts with text on them?  Yesyesyes I'm a sucker for geeky graphic tees. Have you ever had foreign candy?  I don't believe so. What’s a candy that you absolutely can’t stand?  Twizzlers. Is there any piece of technology you want to buy?  PS4, drawing tablet, new phone. When is the last time you bled?  Now because being a woman is fun. Would you rather use hand soap or hand sanitizer?  Soap.  Feel cleaner. How many video games do you own?  Lots. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)?  No. Have you ever visited a sex shop?  No. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal?  No. What do you normally do while waiting for your food or drink to arrive?  Talk to those with me. Describe one of your most emotional farewells.  Me and Jason's final talk. How have your tastebuds changed since you were a child?  Used to love peas.  Hated mashed potatoes.  I was crazy about Sprite, now I hate it.  I'm sure there's more. Who was the last person you cried in front of?  Mom. What was the worst mistake of your life?  Letting someone be my whole world. If you were pregnant, would your parents make you keep the baby?  Um, no????  I'm an adult???????  I would only keep it if my life wasn't endangered though.  And even then I wouldn't wanna be and the child would be put up for adoption. Have you ever donated blood?  Yes. Have you ever been to SeaWorld?  As a child, yes.  Would never go again because it's fucking animal cruelty. Do you like avocados?  asdkjfaowj no. Is your Facebook profile private?  Yes. Do you remember your locker combinations from high school?  I didn't have a locker in high school, but middle school, nope. Who were your best friends in high school?  Jason if you count s/os, Hannia, and Girt. Who was your first boyfriend or girlfriend? Aaron was the first with the title. What insects are you afraid of?  Get roaches away from me.  And beetles. Who was your first best friend (apart from a sibling)? Brianna. What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? Hm, I dunno.  I guess just talk and play together. What time of day were you born?  Noon. What is the best hairstyle you've ever had?  I like what I have now I tell you hwat. Do you think you look better with dyed hair or natural hair?  DYED. Do you think your look better with curly hair or straight hair? Straight. Do you think you look better with bangs or without? Everyone looks better without bangs tbh. Do you think you look better with long hair or short? Short. When you look at your baby pictures, do you recognize yourself?  Not always. What is your favorite thing to do in the pool? Swim around. Cacti or seashells?  Ohhh that's hard.  I think seashells, but if you include all succulents, them. Dreamcatcher or wind chimes? Dreamcatchers. Have you ever taken a picture at the perfect moment? Hmmm maybe? What color(s) eyeshadow do you wear the most? Black is all I wear. Beyonce vs Rihanna? Probably Beyonce?  She has a better voice to me, dunno whose songs I like more. What’s your favorite horror movie? Both of the The Blair Witch Project movies. Would you say you have a high sex drive or not so much?  I'd say it's pretty average.  I've noticed leading up to my period though I'm usually a horny mess. How do you feel about swallowing pills? Doesn't bother me.  I do throw my head back if it's a larger one, though. What animal is the scariest in your opinion?  Hmmm.  Probably the most dangerous animal, surprisingly the hippo.  They charge fast and suddenly and those teeth are fatal.  Now if I saw a hippo and I was far from it, I wouldn't be too concerned because I believe if you keep your distance they're good, I wouldn't be too scared.  Fear on sight though... probably sharks?  Quick and so toothy, plus they might mistake you for prey.  I'm aware how rare shark attacks are, but I still wouldn't be out in the open with one.  Visually scary, giant squids are just a big 'ole nope. A band or an artist you liked when you were younger, but not so much anymore.  Ummm... I dunno.  Probably something pop.  Or country (I know right, surprising). Come with an unpopular opinion.  Don't spank your fucking kids.  You're teaching them hitting others is sometimes the answer, gg. What’s fake about you? Like extensions, fake nails, botox etc.  Nothing. What’s considered cheating in your opinion?  As soon as you're flirting in a clearly non-playful way. What about favorite person to stalk on Instagram?  Mark, who knew. What’s the cheesiest thing you’ve ever experienced irl? Idk. Something you feared as a kid but don’t anymore? Needles.  The first time I understood I was getting my blood drawn, I deadass bolted, screaming and crying, to hug a pillar thing.  Multiple people had to help Mom to pull me away from it lmao.  Then when it actually happened, I was just asked, "... That's it?" Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Coach Collie. What are five of your favorite stores at the mall?  HotTopic, Spencer's, I would love Victoria's Secret if I wasn't a FAT FUCK, and that's... like it. What is the best gift you have ever given someone?  I'unno. What is the best gift you have ever received?  My dog. Has anyone ever spread lies about you? Jason's ex spread a rumor we had a baby.  Even though it was obvious through all of high school I was never pregnant???? Do you have an alarm system on your house?  No. Who do you tend to get in fights with the most? Mom, as far as people still in my life. Would you prefer a small, intimate wedding proposal, or a big-scale, over-the-top proposal?  The former, definitely. Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? No. Have you ever gotten rid of something you shouldn't have and then really regretted it later?  Not really regretted. What's the best pizza place in your town? Domino's is Daddy. Which planet is your favorite, besides earth?  Saturn! Have you ever seen a double rainbow?  Ye. Did you win any scholarships as a senior in high school?  No, I don't believe so. Skeletons or scarecrows? s k e l l y  b o y s Do you like candy corn? Omg no. What seasonal candy do you think is gross? ^ What's one social media site that you're not on? Snapchat. What is your favorite wild animal?  Meerkats.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

[bottomphiw-blog]

Do a 2012 angst thing. Dan confused about his sexuality and he ended things with Phil now he kinda wants him back (love you're writing by the way!!!!!)

lol i listened to over again by one direction while writing this. i hate myself.

this is so overdramatic !! dan is an ass !! (he’s not an ass irl but i write him pretty bad at one point) so sorry about that.

thanks for the request. i have many and i’m always taking them! i love to write so hit my ask up (:

–

“Hi Dan.” Phil looks up to his flatmate.

Dan nods his hello, not saying anything as he flops onto the couch near Phil. Phil continues looking at his computer as Dan lays beside him.

“Are you okay?” Phil tries, looking to his friend with concern. He wants to reach out and comfort the other, but he can’t. Ever since Dan ended things on such a dramatic note, physical touch has been awkward and rare.

“I don’t know,” Dan sighs, his voice shaky. Phil may not know him like he used to, but it’s a cue that Dan is about to lose himself in emotion.

“Hey,” Phil sets his computer down and moves to the ground beside the couch, level with Dan’s face. “If you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong, that’s fine, but I’m here for you.”

Dan opens his eyes, weakly smiling at Phil. “You’re here, and that’s incredible, but why?” He mutters out, searching Phil’s face for any display of emotion. “After everything I’ve done to you, and how many nights I’ve made you cry…why?”Phil frowns, sitting back a bit as their close proximity grows achingly apparent. “Because I love you. Regardless of if it’s romantic, this is the best relationship I’ve ever had with someone.”

Dan closes his eyes again as he continues, “But, I hurt you. That doesn’t make a good relationship.”

Phil shakes his head, despite the fact Dan can’t see it. “You never physically hurt me, you never called me a name or insulted me. Yes, I was hurt, but heartbreak is only that.” Phil knows he’s spewing bullshit - heartbreak is gut wrenching and the worst feeling to trudge through, especially while still living everyday with the person who caused it - but he’s not about to tell Dan this. Instead, he moves his hand to Dan’s shoulder, rubbing lightly.

Dan doesn’t flinch or push him away, merely remains the same. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Dan opens his eyes again, and one tear escapes. “What if I was wrong?” His voice is so fragile Phil has to strain to make out the words.

“Wrong?” Phil frowns, unsure as to out of the many things that have happened Dan is referring to.

Dan pushes himself up quickly. “I’m sorry, I’m shit at talking about this.” He stands, walking to the doorway. “I’m going to go to bed, goodnight Phil.” He doesn’t look to Phil as he talks, and he leaves as quick as he can.

Phil remains where he sat, thinking over what just happened. Is Dan questioning it again? Phils stands, unsure what to think as he shuts the lights off and heads to his bed.

-

After what feels like ages of attempting sleep, Phil is finally out. However, rest only lasts an hour before he’s awoken.

“Phil?” Dan stands at the side of Phil’s bed, the lights in the room on.

Phil squints up at him, rubbing his eyes, “What is it?” He mumbles lethargically, out of instinct he looks for his glasses.

“Here,” Dan grabs them off of the nightstand and holds them out for Phil. Phil smiles his thanks and slides them on.

“Dan? Why are you crying?” Phil questions right away, noticing Dan’s red face and puffy eyes.

Dan shakes his head, not able to offer a vocal reply as his words get caught in his throat. Phil doesn’t know what to do, and how far is too far now that they’re friends, but he does what he would’ve done since he first met Dan: Phil slides to the side a bit and lifts his blanket, silently inviting the other into his bed.

Dan hesitates, sniffling as he looks between Phil and the bed, but he gives into his need and climbs in. “I’m sorry.” He bites his lip, wiping at his tears before wrapping his arms around a surprised Phil.

“What are you sorry for? I told you you can’t apologize for questioning your sexuality.” Phil whispers, wrapping his arms around Dan he cuddles a bit closer. Part of him remains alert, in case Dan grows angry with the physical touch, but the tighter Dan holds him the more reassured he grows.

Dan shakes his head wildly before pulling Phil closer to his chest. “But what if I’m wrong, after ruining us, what if I’m not straight?” His whisper is so quiet, Phil almost has to keep from breathing to understand what he’s saying.

“Only you can answer that.” Phil offers, refraining from turning his head and pressing a kiss to Dan’s forehead.

“This is hell.” Dan’s laugh is weak.

“I went through the same thing,” Phil starts, “not as bad, and it was a long time ago, but I still questioned everything. You know you’re not alone?”

Dan nods. “I know, but that doesn’t make anything easier.”

“I love you so much, Dan. You mean the world to me.” Phil mutters. “My love is in a ‘bro’ way, and I’ll help you the best way a friend can.” He adds on the lie, just in case Dan is bothered by his ‘I love you’.

Dan doesn’t reply, he stays silent as a small sob bubbles up. “Thank you.” He sighs after a little bit, not offering much more before pulling away from Phil. “I know it’s a lot to ask after everything, but can I sleep with you tonight?” He speaks quickly, looking down at the bright duvet.

"Of course you can.” Phil whispers, rubbing at Dan’s side.

Nothing more is said as the two hold each other, and it’s comfortable. Like the way it was when they were together; all of the cuddling and all of the affection. When Phil closes his eyes, it’s easy for last year, 2012, to seem like nothing more than a bad dream.

-

Phil wakes to a bright room, his glasses still on, a stiff neck, and a sleeping Dan holding onto him. He wearily looks around, noting that it’s 12 once he looks at the clock. “How did we manage to sleep sitting up?” He mutters quietly to himself, wanting to get up and stretch his limbs, but the feeling of Dan stops him.

Phil always liked cuddling, but once he started talking to Dan, and they finally met in 2009, he’s developed such a need for cuddling close to someone he loves. It’s been months since they last were like this, and even if his body is in a bit of pain, he can’t bring himself to move until Dan tells him to.

It takes a little over ten minutes for Dan to wake up, but Phil doesn’t mind. He stays there with his eyes closed, one hand playing with Dan’s soft hair. It’s a curly mess and Phil loves it.

“How are you not dying of lack of comfiness?” Dan mutters once he wakes up, not moving away from Phil.

'Because I’m finally being held by you’, Phil smiles to himself, but knowing he can’t say what he really wants he goes with a simple shrug. “Not really sure, haven’t been awake long enough to realize any uncomfiness.”

Dan shakes his head and laughs a little. “Shut up, you have to at least be a bit stiff. I know I’m dying.”

Phil is incredibly surprised by the fact that Dan hasn’t left yet, or grown awkward. “Okay, maybe a little bit.” He mumbles, blushing as Dan laughs loudly.

Dan sits up, looking to Phil. “You fell asleep with your glasses on!” He exclaims, reaching forward and taking them off of Phil. “Last time that happened you had a nice glasses indent on the side of your nose.” He teases, setting them on the bedside table.

Phil doesn’t say anything right away, unable to understand that Dan is touching him, teasing him, and in the same bed. “Leave me alone.” Phil pouts, a smile spreading across his lips as Dan’s laugh echoes throughout the room.

“I’m going to go get some cereal, you come too.” Dan starts, jumping out of the bed he pulls at Phil’s arm. Phil remains confused, and a bit apprehensive, as he climbs out of bed and follows Dan. He pushes the feeling down, wanting Dan’s newfound mood to never leave.

Phil is smart though, and he knows no matter how much he wants it to, this won’t last.

-

“Phil!”

Phil can hear Dan’s yell as he sits in the gaming room, and he can hear the angry tone. The one that only means fighting, and Dan screaming, and more hidden tears. He stays silent, hoping Dan will give up on looking for him.

“Phil, where the fuck are you?” Dan yells again, and Phil can hear a bedroom door slam along with it.

It’s been four days since they woke up cuddled together. That day was nice, and like normal (minus much touching, of course). Since then things have only gone downhill.

Now things are back to the way they were before - maybe a bit worse.

Phil can hear Dan starting to near the room, so he sets his phone down and stands up. He’s not sure what to prepare for this time, but nevertheless, he prepares himself.

“What’s up, Dan?” Phil nods once he comes into view. Dan stops at the doorway and crosses his arms, glaring at Phil.

“Why didn’t you answer when I was calling?” Dan remains expressionless as he stares.

Phil shrugs. “You sounded angry, I didn’t want to fight.”

“I only sounded angry because you didn’t answer.”

“I’m sorry.” Phil whispers, anxiously fiddling with his hands as he tries not to look away from Dan. “Do you need something?”

“We need to talk.” Dan says, walking further into the room. He sits down in one of their gaming chairs, waiting for Phil to as well. Phil sits on the couch, watching Dan expectantly.

“Why did you let me sleep with you that night?” He starts, his face remaining stone cold.

“Because you wanted to, and you seemed upset. I wanted to help.” Phil whispers, unable to keep from more fidgeting.

Dan takes a deep breath. “Phil, I know I’ve been angry a lot, and I tend to yell at unnecessary times, but you don’t need to be so anxious. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Phil offers a smile, nodding his head. “I know, I just can’t help it.”

The two remain silent, waiting for the other to speak as they look at each other. Phil almost wants to cry at how awkward it is, he never wanted for things to be like this between him and Dan, but he keeps his tears at bay. His time to cry will come later, his tears won’t help Dan now.

“I just want to know, if I’m straight and you know I have an issue with everyone telling me I’m not, why would you let me cuddle you?” Dan no longer looks angry or sad, just frustrated.

Dan said himself he wasn’t sure. Dan is not straight - Phil knows that’s not for him to decide, but he’s not deciding it, he knows. He knows Dan.

Without much thought, Phil starts, “You’re not straight.”

“Excuse me?” Dan raises his eyebrows, sitting back into his seat.

“You’re not straight.” Phil repeats. He doesn’t want to, but this all needs to end.

Dan shakes his head, laughing incredulously. “What gives you the right to tell me my sexuality?”

“I’m not telling you,” Phil keeps his voice soft, “I know you aren’t.”

“How do you know?” Dan exclaims, his voice slowly raising.

“Because I was your boyfriend for four years! I helped you come out to your family, I helped you accept your sexuality, I was the first guy you slept with.” He looks down as he talks, feeling embarrassed the more he speaks up.

“So? How do you know that wasn’t all a phase?”

“Dan,” Phil shakes his head, feeling a few tears slide down his cheek, “that wasn’t a phase. I wasn’t a phase.”

Dan remains silent as he listens to Phil’s soft sniffles. “I don’t know what to say.” Dan stands.

Phil looks up to Dan, standing as well. "Just tell me the truth.” He shakily whispers, wiping at his tears.

Dan sighs, looking into Phil’s eyes. “I’m straight.” He looks away at the last second, waiting for Phil to disagree. The other stays silent, his expression full of disappointment once Dan looks back to him. “Phil,” Dan bites his tongue to stop himself from saying it out loud. Once he’s said it, it’s real.

“Kiss me.” Phil speaks quietly, his cheeks flooding with red.

“Kiss you?” Dan furrows his eyebrows, looking to Phil with confusion. "This isn’t a romance novel.”

“I mean, if you’re not straight kiss me.” He speaks again, avoiding Dan’s eyes. Phil knows Dan used to be afraid of saying things, terrified of the difference between what things mean when you think them opposed to saying them. As far as he knows, that trait hasn’t changed. And maybe, by some miracle, Dan can say it without talking.

Phil jumps at the feel of Dan’s hand on his cheek, but the touch is soft. Something he’s craved for too long. “I’m sorry for everything.” Dan whispers, thumb delicately resting over Phil’s bottom lip. Phil keeps himself from crying in relief as Dan moves in. The man ses hesitant, but the look in his eyes proves he wants to.

Dan presses his lips to Phil’s. By habit, his hand travels to the back of Phil’s head, the other to Phil’s hip. Dan slowly uses more force, slipping his tongue into Phil’s mouth. A small whine releases itself from the back of Phil’s throat, and Dan didn’t realize how much he has missed it until it was there.

“I’m not straight,” Dan pulls away, quickly moving back to Phil’s lips. Phil smiles into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Dan’s back he trails his fingers along his T-shirt.

His heart jumps as Dan lightly pushes him down onto the couch, but once he realizes Dan isn’t pushing him away he grins. “I know, I know you aren’t.” Dan smiles at Phil’s words, his cheeks turning a bit red as well.

He moves down and situates himself so both his knees are beside Phil’s thighs, slightly hovering over the boy. “Thank you.” Leaning down, he kisses the grinning boy’s lips.

Phil kisses back with all he has, a bubbly feeling spreading to his fingertips. It feels different from all the times they’ve ended an argument with kissing (and much more), it feels like there’s finally closure.

“I love you, I still love you. I always did.” Dan speaks with tears in his eyes, resting his forehead against Phil’s as he slowly trails his fingers along Phil’s arms.

Phil laughs a laugh mixed with tears. “I love you too, Dan.” He moves his hands to Dan’s cheeks. “I never stopped either. I never will.”

-

“Where do we go from here?” Dan asks the next morning as Phil sits down at the table with him, both with cereal bowls in their hands.

Phil shrugs. “Where do you want to go?”

Dan looks down, swirling around the cereal. “I don’t know, I just want to be with you again. I want to forget everything that happened.”

Phil nods, resting his chin on his hand. “I agree, I do want to be with you again. I just don’t know how easy it will be to forget 2012.”

Dan frowns. “I understand, I know I fucked up.” Phil nods at Dan’s words, his leg bouncing up and down frantically from under the table.

“I know you aren’t lying about this, but I’m so scared.” Phil’s voice cracks as he speaks, he gratefully grips onto Dan’s hand the second he offers it. “How do I know you won’t do it again?” Phil tears up, looking down in embarrassment as he wipes his tears with his free hand.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” Dan stands from his chair and pulls Phil into his hold, pressing a kiss to Phil’s head. “Hurting you has ruined me, I don’t think I could do it again even if I wanted to.” Phil shakes in his arms as he finally releases everything. Dan’s been the one to express his emotion this year, even if it was through anger. Phil stuffed, he stuffed and he stuffed without realizing it’s effect. And now, as he sobs in Dan’s arms, tears rapidly dripping onto his hands, his heart gradually begins to feel lighter.

“I can never lose you like that again.” He whispers, hugging Dan back as tight as he can. The two stay in that position for a while, listening to the other’s breathing slow to a relaxing pace.

“Here, I need to officially apologize before we decide anything more about us.” Dan pulls back from Phil, moving down so he’s kneeling in front of him. Phil laughs lightly as Dan takes both of his hands in his own, looking up to the boy with a smile.

“Okay.” Phil sniffles, looking down to Dan with an expression of nothing but affection.

“To begin, I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” Dan’s grip on Phil’s hands slightly tightens. “I regret everything I said, every time I pushed you away, every time I yelled at you for no reason. Thinking about how you grew scared of me, my words and my actions, makes me feel sick to my stomach.”

“Dan, you didn’t-”

“Phil, don’t even try to minimize what I did.” Dan laughs as Phil’s blushes. “You can say whatever you like, just don’t excuse what happened.” Phil nods, rubbing one of his thumbs against the back of Dan’s hand. “I should never have grown angry with you for trying to help me, or blamed you for my confusion regarding my sexuality. I should never have been so angry around you, I’m so sorry I didn’t realize how it affected you until it was too late. I love you Phil, I love you so much. I will do everything in my power for this to never happen again. I need you.”

“I need you too.” Phil leans forward a bit. “I love you too, I want us to start over again.”

Dan moves up and kisses Phil, laughing as the other’s surprised by the action. “I’ll never hurt you like that again.” He whispers, pressing one more kiss to Phil’s lips.

“Most people probably wouldn’t do this, but I accept your apology.” Phil nods. “It will be a challenge for me to fully trust you again, but I know we can make it work.”

Dan sighs out in relief, quickly wrapping his arms around Phil, “I don’t deserve your apology, but I will do everything I can to prove myself.”

#dan and Phil #Phan #2012 #Phan angst #Daniel Howell #Phil Lester #OneShot #phanfiction #bottomphiwwriting

[theboykingofhell]

Hey Ricky, prefacing this with I love u but I kind of have a different view on the way shipping culture evolved. Honestly I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that people are becoming more critical when it comes to ships and unhealthy dynamics- I remember the days of 2009-2010 when things were a lot different and not always for the better (i.e rape being normalized in fanfics and abuse being presented as okay/not really abuse) . (1/Probably 2)

(2/2) Personally I just get kind of wary when it seems like people are jerking it to someone else’s abuse/suffering bc they can- A relationship with no problems is boring, of course, but as an abuse victim it just kind of makes my skin crawl when people who may or may not have been through the situation they’re writing about or consuming in some way present it as entertainment without thinking about who it might affect or what’s really going on inside it

well i mean.. i agree with you haha there’s like ten thousand different opinions i have about shipping culture especially now, especially with the life experiences i have now. i mean, it’s rly hard to make blanket statements about a lot of fandom stuff considering how huge fandom is and how many different individual things are happening… fandom isn’t a hivemind, so a lot of what i was talking about, especially before, is honestly just really specific to my dash and what i’ve been seeing on it in the past year or two compared to, let’s say 2009-2010

like, i understand that abusive dynamics is an incredibly fetishized thing in fandom, and i understand stuff like… i mean, what i’ve come to realize now that i am a survivor of a shitload of bullshit things is how so much of the hurt/comfort genre… can read as really fetishy depending on who is writing it and who actually has an understanding of what’s being written. some hurt/comfort does read as an exploration of trauma and recovery, and then other hurt/comfort stuff just looks like a woobiefying circlejerk over one cute character’s pain

so i do enjoy the fact that it’s becoming more known what’s wrong with this kind of shit but what i’ve found is that now there’s so much backlash towards anything in that vein, there’s no moderation and there’s no differentiation between someone who is being really fetishy and someone who is respectfully enjoying material for more personal reasons. i was talking more about the backlash one ship in one fandom has gotten because, especially out of late (i mean, it comes in waves when you check the tags) there’s been a lot of hate being thrown, lots of death threats, lots of people being blacklisted just because they’re into a ship, and that’s just… WEIRD to me! it’s not like a new thing, shipping wars has always been a thing, but there’s a new level now. i feel like (and this is an overarching problem on tumblr i’ve noticed that is only being aimed at fandom for this topic, but i see it with everything) that there is a VERY black and white, and very basic set of morals that people are forcing themselves to adhere to that aren’t realistic because, frankly, they’re kind of ignorant? in that it seems like, instead of forming their own opinions, people are latching so hard to ideas they read on tumblr and then run off to attack people who don’t conform to those ideas instantly, until that idea morphs and gets more and more extreme, until we’re left with nothing but this really extreme ONE view without any give-or-takes happening, no gray areas, nothing. which is largely because there’s just a lot of young people on here who are still trying to figure out where they are and that’s an unfortunate matter on its own blbhgkj

like, that’s one opinion i have on the subject, and then another is just the fact that, myself as a survivor is different than other people as a survivor, and i get that. there are people who have the opinion that there is absolutely no reason rape should ever be depicted in media as a plot form, ever, and that’s based on their experiences and that’s a valid opinion for them, but for me, when it’s written right, then i’m fine with it. then i’m more than fine with it. i like these kind of topics. i’ve always gravitated towards darker shit like that, even more so now that i’ve experienced it irl, so i’m also aware of the fact that my… let’s say, alarm, about the popularity and shift in tone in how these topics are talked about has changed is just because i’m so used to the 2010 era of fiction, and i’m still in that 2010 mindset where no one ever bats an eye to it, and my opinions and tastes now are the same as they were back then. if bakudeku had come out at the same time naruto had, i’m certain they would be the hugest ship out there in the fandom. now, that’s just not true. which is interesting!

and i hope it also doesn’t sound like i’m saying this is a bad thing. i’m just saying it’s different! for good and bad reasons, because, again, i’ve seen a lot of terrible behavior spurned from this kind of thinking and i think that is behavior that needs to be fixed, but just because other people have a different taste than i do doesn’t mean it’s wrong. so i apologize if it sounds like that’s what i thought cuz it’s not :s

#love you too bby :* #liveblogging bnha #cthulhuoflongisland #ask tag #rape mention //--/ #abuse mention //--/