#I don’t want to be home alone

[try-set-me-on-fire]

Me: this one will be a slow burn I think

Eddie Diaz: no actually i need to tell him i love him immediately

#calm down sir #i was driving home thinking about how to continue the scene i just posted and was like well what if Eddie’s like. #we’re partners in every other way why not try romantically. haha. (so nervous he’s about to vomit) #you dont have to raise this kid alone because i didnt have to raise my kid alone. i had you. #and buck is like Eddie. Eddie…….. #you have to know I love you but i dont know if i can do that right now #if I’m about to adopt a child- #i mean first i haven’t even been approved yet and I don’t know what a new relationship does to my chances #second everything’s going to a mess for awhile i dont want Us to immediately be put under so much pressure #and they;re just like :( at each other #and buck’s like is it awful to ask you to wait for me #and Eddie’s like of course not. of course i will. #and you’re still not going to be alone. I’ll be here for you however you want me. #and then they have to go back in to the dinner party and try to be normal! good luck!

[fuckyeah-bears]

I feel like trash sooo hard right now so here’s a bear

#I’m Definitely sick #Dunno if it’s Covid #Gotta wait til I get off work to go home and take a Covid test tho #And before anyone says anything #I’m alone in the office I ain’t endangering anyone by spreading germs #Ain’t nobody but me fucking here #And fuck do I not want to be here right now I feel so awful #Don’t mind me just whining and feeling sorry for myself hardcore #🙃 #But I feel like garbage so I’m bear posting

[worstloki]

Thor tries to pick up the designated driver pilot role after feast parties and off-realm adventures following Loki’s death but it soon becomes apparent that the only decent pilot left on the team is Fandral and he’s insufferable if you drink excessively and don’t let him join

#Thor not tending to be in the mood to drink after Loki dies bc his emotions drop and he hates it btw #or worse his body sees it as an excuse to start feeling things and that’s almost worse #so anyway better to just avoid it for a while #so he volunteers to fly everyone back home #they all know how to pilot of course #it just becomes very clear very soon that knowing how does not make one good at it #passable sure but when everyone has a headache or is on the verge of passing out you don’t want a ride that upsets any stomaches #you don’t want people losing their balance or clutching their heads from spinning when you’re driving in a straight line back to the palace #aaaand Volstagg is throwing up over the side of the skiff. oh no not again this is unbelievable #maybe walking would be better next time #but no one wants to walk after that!!! #what if they abruptly need to use a bathroom #it’s not acceptable to use the side of a road in Asgard I think #let alone when you’re a group of prestigious warriors #of course we have members of the group with a piloting licence!!! we just WANTED to walk!!!

[candy-fae]

IiiiIIIIIIIIITS MY BIRTHDAY!

I’m. Having a not great birthday!!

But I am a year older today none the less, and will try to get my hands on some cake, and try to have a good time.

Please send me some art requests, perFERRABLLY of blorbos. Or ponies. Or like. My ocs. I wanna talk about my little guys on my birthday.

#I don’t even know why I’m sharing #might delete! #I’m 23 today #home alone #and my mom called to tell me she wants me to move and uproot my life #told me #actually #because I’m moving back in with her in February but my brother told me she kept it a secret until I had no other options #so #yeah #she tricked me #again #I love her so much but she’s so manipulative and sneaky #I just wanted to hear happy birthday #like you could have stopped there #delete later #love love love her saying none of my friends would stick around if I needed help but SHE would #she’s always the only one I can rely on #obviously #she always has been right #so. yeah. guess I’ll just do that since instead of being honest she took MONTHS away from me where I could have been looking for a roomate #vent #it’s my blog and I’ll post and delete as I please ig

[catastrxblues]

—

#okay i actually want to rant a bit 😭 - not advised to read this because then you might get brain damage #because oh my god??????? weird #(was going to write an entire diary but nvm here’s the gist of it) #basically i was coming home from this chem thing right #i used the train as i always do when it comes to this. and because the new station just got a shiny renovation it is now connected to the #new mall in front of it (we have two now it’s an addition to the first one). and guess what 😭 #i had to go in and get to the first mall because my dad said he’d just pick me up at the lobby instead of the bus stop in front of #the station entrance right. #and when i was on the elevator going up on a call with my mom about food orders 😭 #the guy i used to have a very very VERY heavy crush on in middle grade got to the elevator leading down just as i was on the landing 😭😭 #and i had to make sure i wasn’t hallucinating so as he was descending and his back turned to me i examined the back of his head and i’m #pretty sure it was him. curiosity killed the cat i should’ve remembered that shit because you know what my stupid ass did?? #i was already walking away on my way to cross to the first mall but then that curiosity got the better off me and i steppedonto the elevato #leading down 😭 and followed him out into (apparently) the fucking bus stop #oh my goddd I JUST REALIZED this is my the one moment help #except i don’t think he recognized me because i was never even friends with him lmao. wrote tons of poetry about him ✅ #actually had one proper conversation with him ❌ #i was delusional and kept alone with my thoughts living in my head do not judge me #but seriously even though i don’t really care about him anymore this would’ve been (unfortunately) SUPER important to middle grade me #she would’ve taken it as a sign or something and write like five pages about it #and i just keep thinking about that #funny how things change because IF YOU KNEW how many credits and exaggerated compliments i gave him in my old journal #oh you would’ve laugheddd #like i used to SPEND SO MUCH TIME pondering over him it’s so 😭 #i used to have an oc and i think i based it on my idea of him and then i think that idea of him was even the reason i started to TRY to #write poetically. and i used to relate every taylor swift love songs to him (esp the ones in debut lover and rep and fearless) IT WAS SO #FUNNY LOOKING BACK AT IT NOW #i think he did see me though. i put on this act as if i was searching for someone confused and then (my go to) pretended someone called me #and then i whisked off as if to find that someone #i’d like to think i look pretty cool though. not because of anything (def not my looks because i was SO TIRED from that extra chem lessons

[shima-draws]

MANNNN my anxiety won’t QUIT. Send me some asks perhaps 🤲

#Long story short work has been REALLY fucking stressful #Like. I’ve just been completely buried for what feels like months #And I can’t keep up #And I keep getting chewed out for things that aren’t even my fault 😭 #Talked to my coworkers today and they’re in the same boat #Me: Did you get chewed out by [boss name] too #My coworkers: Yup lol #I’M GLAD IT’S NOT JUST ME #That made me feel a little better #But I’m still just. A ball of stress #I can’t calm down 😭 #I really need to learn how to leave all my stress at work once I walk out the door #But no she follows me home like a stalker. She won’t leave me ALONE #There’s only so much I can do. As one person. As one human being who only works 8 hours a day #Lies down #I’m so tired. I don’t want to be anxious about this but apparently my body is making the rules! Damn her!!! #Shima speaks #Just remember you’re not alone Shima…your coworkers are as stressed and overworked as you are…

[hydrodragons]

READY FOR MY SON❗️

#i could’ve just left the na alone but i will spoil my son he deserves it #im still debating if i should triple crown but we’ll see #pls come home 6 times plsplsplsplspls i will treat you so well my child 😩😩😩 #im literally at 0 pity ​i skipped chevy in order to get more copies of gaaming that’s how badly i want his cons 😭😭😭 #i wouldn’t mind faruzan cons too tho!!!! my scara and xiao would appreciate her c6 very much 🫶🏻 #this is the one banner i don’t wanna win 50/50 on bc of the 4 stars (watch as i get xianyun early) #early nahida cons are not looking too bad tho 👀 but i have to save for the imminent kazuha rerun i cannot be spending too much #lou.txt

[songtwo]

idk i think my bf might be developing a drinking problem and i just don’t know what to do…..

#it’s been going on for a couple of months now but he promised he would stop and he had been doing well until today…. #and it’s like. on one hand i never wanted to be w an alcoholic and i told him straight so he promised it would stop #but on the other hand i can’t just abandon him #and it’s like we used to go out a lot and party but like. that was it but ever since he met this guy he just gets lost when he drinks w him #and the thing was he got like aggressive like he didn’t do anything to me and i can’t really explain it but he just wasn’t himself #and like. we talked about it a million times and it’s not like it happens every week #it’s been like 5 times since december #but 3 have been on the past month alone #and two weeks ago it got bad like he almost got into an accident #and like i’m not even physically w him anymore like we really only see each other once a week since i moved #and from the very first time it happened i told him i couldn’t be w him if it kept happening #and after that incident two weeks ago he swore it was the last time but it just happened again #by the way he and that guy get wasted it really is a miracle they get home alive #and like. idk what to do #i really don’t want to be w someone like this #and i hate feeling like this like if i were to think only about myself i don’t want this i hate feeling like this #but i also can’t abandon him #like not even bc i would miss him or whatever i just wouldn’t feel good leaving him alone #but like i don’t want to live like this #maybe i’ll ask for some time to just figure things out #but it’s gonna suck so bad bc we were supposed to see kendrick lamar next week and then we already had plans for his bday and omfg #i don’t wanna leave but i don’t want things to be like this either #and i asked him to stop and gave him multiple chances but idk #i just don’t know what to do #i love him endlessly but i need to put myself first but i can’t abandon him:( #and our 1.5 anniversary was also next week….. #but i think time is the sanest and safest thing right now

[enchanting-grom-fright]

did u know

#i don’t know when i but i’m taller it must be something in the water #i grew up here til it all went up in flames except the notches in the door frame #my recurring dream i’m at the movies i don’t remember what i’m seeing the screen turns into a tidal wave #when the speed kicks in i go to the store for nothing #the house where u lived with snow white i wonder if she ever though the storybook tiles on the roof were too much #the drugstores r open all night the only real reason i moved to the east side #and here everyone knows ur the way to my heart hear so many stories of u at the bar #either i’m careless or i wanna get caught #i can’t open and forget how to talk bcs even if i could wouldn’t know where to start wouldn’t know where to stop #close my eyes fantisize three clicks and i’m home #when i get back i’ll lay around then i’ll get up and lay back down #i know i know i know #like a wave that crashed and melted on the shore not even the burnouts r out here anymore #either way we’re not alone i’ll find a new place to be from a haunted house with a picket fence to float around and ghost my #friends no i’m not afraid to disappear the billboard said the end is here i turned around there was nothing there yea ig the end is here #and now my feet can’t touch the bottom of u #of somebody who loves u more #so i will wait for the next time u want me like a dog with a bird at ur door #and there’s something i’m supposed to say but i can’t remember what it is #and if and if i could give u the moon i would give u the moon #u r sick and ur married and u might be dying #i would do anything for u i would do anything i will do anything #laying down on the lawn i’m tired of trying to get in the house i’m thinking out loud #i’ve been playing dead my whole life #i hate ur mom i hate it when she opens her mouth it’s amazing to me how much u can say when u don’t know what ur talking abt #i feel something when i see u #bcs i don’t know what i want until a fuck it up #i’ll climb through the window again but rn it feels good not to stand #day off in kyoto got bored at the temple looked around at the 711 the band took the speed train to the arcade i wanted to go but i didnt #called me from a pay phone they still got pay phones it cost a dollar a minute

[redemptiionss]

Sometimes I just think there’s something deeply wrong with me idk

#txt #where did this fear of forming attachments come from #and my fear of being in committed relationship with someone #and just etc #idk I think I’m destined to die alone lol #lol #and not to mention the ✨depression✨ #seriously my life is just work home work home every day #and on weekends I just don’t go anywhere except to the damn grocery store #but also I’m always just too tired to do anything outside of that #sometimes I don’t really enjoy work #but it’s also the only thing that gets me up in the mornings during the week #and I’m getting older. I’m not getting any younger #who am i gonna want? I have not had any interest in any guy/man in a long time lol #and frankly it’s hard for me if I don’t trust men #I guess the truth is that I have no love for men irl #don’t get me wrong. I’m a straight woman. who’s unfortunately had unpleasant experiences with men in the past lol #but anyways. also with me getting older. who’s gonna want me lol. #also there’s the added factor of me being Deaf 😂 there was never really a lot of fish in the sea for me to begin with

[earths-way-of-laughing]

I had so much motivation this morning to do stuff but then I fell into a lil depression hole.. but I just went on a walk to get ice cream and I started doing laundry :,-)

#it’s the little things #like I don’t even want to eat rn.. I’m just so tired of being home and alone you know #and I have a job interview this week and somehow that depressed me more #I think I’m going to crochet my lil pig that I got for Christmas tonight #and maybe play a game? or read more chainsaw man #I know no one cares but this is my lil diary entry for me #I just want to cry #bean

[salsflore]

i miss my irls and my cat and my house this is so SICKKK what did i ever do to you, december

#vent -> #i am so homesick i havent seen my friends in forever. i had an incredibly good sunday i was looking forward to the next 2 weeks #and then you make me get FUCKING ARRESTED???? #and i’m just so irked and i’m so sad why is nothing going right. don’t i deserve good things!!!!! #of course you do this to me when i’m not dreading school anymore and i’m actually enjoying the company of my new friends #so annoying. i’m just so sad i want to go home #i’d be fine with all of that but then you had to take away even my online buddies like what the hellll #if another person tells me to [ tolerate it for a little longer ] i might just explode in front of them #i just feel awfully bitter and alone and sad #💭

[merevide]

thinking about killing eve again. thinking about eve. and her inhabitions and how she was so repressed and unfulfilled and her only true escape from that was her extensive research into female assassins and through that and getting fired and then rehired she meets villanelle and they basically bring out the worst in each other obvi but that’s also kinda their best selves because all villanelle wants is to be understood and that’s also what eve wants but she denies and denies and denies and she basically keeps denying everything until it’s too late and she’s left alone, again, screaming out in the water.

#like this shit is tragic IF ONLY IT WAS WELL WRITTEN. my god #i haven’t even rewatched this show ever since the last episode aired how do i have all of this just stored away in my brain #eve is such a wasted character because she’s literally so interesting #and then they just kinda fuck it up because they couldn’t really commit to her and her desires #which is also reflected in the show through her character bc she denies and denies and denies until it’s too late #too late being villanelle ending up dead and villanelle was basically the personification of all of eve’s dark desires #like villanelle kinda fucked up her life and killed her best friend and hurt so many of the people eve loved #and eve still was in her orbit because. BECAUSE!!!!! #i’m literally ranting right now and i don’t even know why #like i could go on and on but none of u wanna hear that #like eve is alone in a mental sense in the start and she’s alone in a literal sense in the end #like lol. this isn’t even talking about the romantic aspects of it either #don’t even hit me with that their obsession went deeper than romance sit they wanted to fuck each other let’s get real #i kinda need a reboot of killing eve but with good writing all the way through #i dunno. i dunno why i’m even talking about this #like i’m gonna be 80 and still babbling about killing eve and toxic yuri madness in the nursery home #this show wasted literal years of my life i’m never gonna get back…. #BLEGH. sick sick sick sick sick sick sick SICK #killing eve #my text

[pepprs]

ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes

#purrs #conference tag #chicago #im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o #if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been #other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel #less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt #like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself #if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely #anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared. #like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell #myself that i make it so. #trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED! #i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something. #obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen #to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie #i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have #been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha #i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before #like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i #genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still

[floral-hex]

Okay okay, I usually hate posting selfies, but then again, I also love a little mild attention. So, to strike a balance, here are 4 recent ones, but I’m posting them at 2am so I don’t have to worry about bothering too many people. Yeah? Ok thanks I love you

#yes I know how time zones work… they’re fake. it’s night everywhere right now. duh. #sometimes a girl just wants to hear she’s pretty 🤷🏻‍♂️ #I’m sorry I have a perpetual grumpy face. I don’t know what to do about that 🤷🏻‍♂️ #god I’m bored. and lonely. and yearning. yeah… #I don’t want to get into that right now… ok I do but maybe let’s not do it in these tags #anyway I’m actually probably going to chop off most of my hair this weekend #I know I know. dudes cutting off long hair is a sin but also… it’s hot. my hair is heavy and gets gross easily #it’ll grow back soon enough but for now it needs to be razed #so what else what else… #this is my third night staying in the hospital while my mom is admitted #she’s doing better but I don’t really want to leave her here alone for too long #being stuck in bed feeling like shit all day gets lonely and tiresome so someone’s gotta hang with her #it’s not so bad on my part. I just sit in this chair all night on my phone and then eat breakfast in the cafeteria #easy peasy #I haven’t been home much in the past few days. just a few hours at time to nap and then head back #but it’s good. things are getting better #yup… #I guess that’s it… I don’t know what else to say #you can ignore this #take it sleazy #me #selfie #gross boy

[cinewhore]

I did fine on thanksgiving until like the last twenty minutes of being awake lol

#it’s not even about family #my mom hates being at my brothers and i can’t blame her #which is why i didn’t go #still wishing i had friends in the area #now my mom isn’t sure she’s coming for Christmas #and I’ll tell you one thing i won’t be at home if she doesn’t #csuse i don’t think i can do this twice #idk even where I’d go but i do not want to be alone for Christmas lol #I’ve been trying the bumble app for friends and it’s just…not happening #now that’s what i call blogging