#I feel some pity for the 19-year-old because gods know that your sense of self preservation doesn't quite work yet

[a-heist-of-words]

In the most 'Greek theatre' of ways, this is a tragedy. Tragedies are meant to teach onlookers: "See how these rich idiots, despite their riches, cannot escape the consequences of their actions, their hubris, and their defiance of the laws of common sense and decency? See their awful demise? Don't be like them."

#oceangate #titanic #I feel some pity for the 19-year-old because gods know that your sense of self preservation doesn't quite work yet #and maybe for the Titanic expert but honestly dude you should've known better #rest of them though? you fucked around and found out #like one of them went to space with the musk-rat #he clearly wanted his epitaph to be as wild as possible

[neraidaastrid]

Relapse

Niklaus Mikaelson x reader

Fandom: the originals

Word count: 1616

Prompt: you relapse with your anorexia and hide it from klaus. He finds your behaviour strange until your best friend, Hayley, mentions that you had the same behaviour back when you had the disorder.

Warnings: ⚠️eating disorders! Self harm! Suicide! Swearing!⚠️

A/N: I know this is a sensitive topic but I do unfortunately deal with some of these struggles and I decided to write something around it but give it a happy ending because we all love happy, fluffy endings.❤️

3 years. 3 happy years with klaus. Those years had been the best years of your entire life. This man was now your entire life. You met him through Hayley, your best friend, when she got pregnant back in mystic falls. You and her had been childhood friends from back in middle school. So when she got pulled into the Mikaelson family drama, so did you.

During high school, there were a few problems with your mental health. Everyday felt so gray. All this pain build up inside and you took it out on yourself. It started with a couple cuts a week, to masses a night. Your reflection in the mirror made you want to through yourself off the nearest cliff. One minute you were eating a bit healthier to completely missing out on meals. It got to the point you only ate a few meals a week.

All this anger and sadness built up so much that in your second year of college, you had attempted to take your own life.

6 years ago......

Tears streamed down your face as you rushed to your appartment. Hayley has told you she was going to be out for a while during the afternoon but what you didn’t know is that she didn’t go ahead with those plans.

Hayley sat in her room to the shared appartment as you hurriedly locked the door. You couldn’t stop the flow of water droplets from your eyes. This had been your last straw. Some girl at your college made a snarky comment about how you weren’t very skinny and pretty had led you to come to the conclusion to end it. End the pain, the torment of life. No time to say your goodbyes, you just had to get it over with.

Swiftly you made your way to the bathroom. As soon as you shut the door you grabbed your razor from the side of the bathtub. There was no point in locking the door as someone had to find your body, you just hated the fact that you knew it was going to be Hayley who finds your lifeless body.

Turning the tap on in the bath, you take the blade out of the razor. Not caring for your clothes you keep them on while you turn the tap off and step into the cold water. Sitting in the water you try to stifle your sobs, horribly failing. The tears kept falling and falling as you raised the rusted blade to your wrist.

Hayley sat peacefully in her room scrolling through her phone when she heard muffled sobs coming from the bathroom. The sound alerted her as well as the bath running. She found it odd as it was 3 in the afternoon and that you were crying. Her curiosity got the best of her as she exited the room and headed toward the room the were currently in.

You hadn’t heard shuffling from outside over your hushed cries. This was it. This was when the pain was finally going to end. Slowly you landed the sharp object onto your wrist and added pressure, gliding it along your arm over recent cuts before. It hurt like a bitch. God it stung.

“Isn’t it a bit early to be having a bath Y/N?” Hayley joked, well tried, she was worried as she could hear your sniffles.

“Y/N?”

Shit! Hayley was home! You panicked, anxiety flooding your body. You had to finish, you’d come to far to stop now. Trembling, you lifted the blade into your other hand. It was hard to keep still as blood oozed out of your wrist. Once again, you raised the blade to carve the other arm. Just before you could, the bathroom door swun open with a worried Hayley standing there mesmerised by the sight.

“Please, Y/N! NO! Stop!” She screamed, running towards you. With all her might, Hayley wrapped her arms around your upper body to grab your attention. “Please don’t.” Her voice croaked with desperation, shattering your heart. You dropped the blade before doing anymore damage towards yourself.

Hayley reached at her phone in her back pocket to call an ambulance. Once the phone conversation finished, you both cried in each other’s arms waiting for the paramedics to arrive.

Present........

After that incident Hayley found out about your anorexia and you opened up about a lot. 3 years later she got knocked up by the famous Klaus Mikaelson while the two of you took a trip to mystic falls so she could see Tyler Lockwood. So because of her reckless actions, you both moved to the city of New Orleans, where you fell in love with the big bad hybrid.

When you first had moved to New Orleans you had started to fall back into old eating habits due to the stress of moving. It lasted a few months and you lost a lot of weight. You didn’t want to mention anything to Hayley as she was getting kidnapped left to right, but she did notice the drop in weight and helped you out of it. If it wasn’t for Hayley you wouldn’t have made it this long.

He didn’t know about your past, the reason, you didn’t want him to pity you. You didn’t want to accept the fact that you had a problem and that it still creeps back sometimes. It took some time but Hayley promised to keep your secret.

During Hayley’s pregnancy, you and klaus had a connection, flirting back and forth. After Hope’s birth, he asked you on a date and it started from there. Your love for him has only grown more and more during the years.

It had been just over 3 years of you and Klaus dating. He had your heart and you had his. Hayley has keepen her promise by not mentioning it to anyone. Well for the moment, she had.

The urge to cut or to miss meals had disappeared these past few years, until the trigger. You were just walking through the quarter, alone, when a boy around 19-20 called out to you. He called you a fatty. That’s when realisation hit, you’d let yourself go. Once again, your head came flooding back with the thoughts.

All you could do was run. So you did. You ran and ran until you couldn’t feel your feet. Tears stroked drown your cheeks as you moved through the streets. You didn’t even know where you were running, you just had to go.

It felt like eternity had passed by the time you made it to the compound. Sniffling, you wiped the tears away with your sleeves. Luckily no one was home. The sky had turned dark, so you assumed everyone was out either killing people, or at Rousseau’s.

Unconsciously, you found yourself in the bathroom, making you way towards where you had your razor. You took the blade out, shaking.

That night you cut. For the first time in what felt like forever, you cut everywhere you could. Arms. Legs. Stomach. Anywhere you could, you did. Now you just had to hide it.

2 days later........

No one really noticed, well that’s what you thought. Klaus thought you were acting odd but didn’t comment on it.

Every meal you could skip, you did. Whenever everyone went out you cut, or you went out to do it.

You were in the kitchen playing with hope when Klaus came in. “Hi Hope, Y/N.” He smiled as he walked over and picked Hope up in his arms. “Do you want me to make you lunch?” Klaus turned to ask you. “No, thankyou.” You walk out of the kitchen, leaving him confused.

Hayley huffed, “No, she can’t be.” She muttered to herself. Klaus picked up on this and turned around to the brunette who was making Hope food. “What are you on about?” His voice concerned as he let his daughter stand.

“Hope, can you go and play with someone while I talk to your father.” Hayley told the little girl as she hopped out of the kitchen. That’s were Hayley told Klaus all you history and how she had just picked up on that you’d fallen back to those problems.

You’d been laying on your bed for about 10 minutes when Klaus stormed in with tears in his eyes. He rushed to you and sat on the bed infront of you.

“Please, love. Show me the cuts.” His voice cracked and a tear rolled down his cheek. As his words made sense in your head, water pooled your eyes and you stood from the bed.

“Hayley said, didn’t she?” You whispered. He nodded and repeated his words. “Please, show me.” He pleaded, more tears flowing. You reached to pull your top up and took off your sweats, leaving you stood in your bra and underwear.

Klaus’ eyes scanned over the scars. After a few minutes of silence as he studied, he wrapped his arms around you, letting you cry into his shoulder. “I love you, please stop, I love you too much to watch you harm yourself.” His voice was wobbly as he held you. Your dainty arms found their way to his waist as you shook. “Ok.” You breathed through your sobs.

That’s why you loved the hybrid, he was there to love you. Even through all his rage and scariness, he had a soft spot for you, and could be super sweet.

That night he promised himself that no one, not even you, could harm you. He would always protect you. He wouldn’t let you destroy yourself. He will love you when you can’t love yourself. You will be happy, that he will make sure of.

#cute #imagine #fanfic #fluff #not really angst just fluff #klaus x reader #klaus mikaelson #klaus mikaleson imagine #klaus mikaelson x reader #niklaus mikaelson x reader #niklaus x reader #niklaus mikaelson #hayley marshall #hope marshall #hope mikaelson #the originals fandom #fan fic author #the originals fanfiction #the cw #the vampire diaries #the vampire diaries fanfic

[foureyeswithanicesmile]

Red Hood.

I wanted to try out shit with Jason Todd because he’s fine as hell. Oh and readers gender isn’t specified. Angst sorta? mentions of sexual themes but nothing too extensive.

‘ You want to get me off your ass- Kill me then’ You threatened.

Unlike everyone else’s regular friday night that consisted of either drinking in their own home or fucking some random stranger, you were stuck with presumed-to-be-dead Jason Todd after a good number of years.

Everything was fine, the both of you were fighting physically and you had all the advantage, weaponry, agility, all of the requirements- yet something was off, as if he didn’t want to kick the shit out of you just yet.

Then he gun butted you over the head with your own pistol and rag-dolled you to some shitty apartment.

‘ Sorry for the abrupt awakening’ He apologised as he poured an ice cold glass of water onto your face, you gasping at the sensation.

‘ Hell do you want from me?’ You spat, looking up at his tall form.

‘ I want you to co operate with me- help me out even’ He offered, almost crouching intimidatingly in front of you.

The question sparked confusion, after all these years and the man knocks you out just to ask a question? Either way a vigilante with such a grip on gotham at this time asking you for assistance was almost flattering to you.

‘ Fuck do you want help with? You fight me- knock me out all of that and you want my help?’ You asked, blinking rapidly as water seeped into your eyes.

‘ I want to get revenge on Batman’

The words caused you to go silent with thought, the room now being filled with thick confusion. You understood where Jason was coming from you really could, what happened to him was despicable; but killing Batman wouldn’t do anymore than allow criminals to do even more harm.

‘ What’s with the silence?’ Todd added, tilting his masked face to the side almost like a dog.

‘ Take that stupid fucking mask off Jason i’m not going to start crying at the sight of you’ You requested with a sigh, whilst the emphasis on your profanities signified your frustration, you seemed too emotionally exhausted to fathom any serious fight.

You never liked Batman either, don’t get it twisted, his ways were crude, and after you found out he was Bruce Wayne your hatred was only fuelled more. All the money that man had and all he did was beat up poor people and damage low income areas. Everything he did you perceived as repulsive, allowing criminals like the Joker to keep going, constantly allowing impressionable children take on the roll as Robin, only to end up either disliking him or nearly dying.

But killing him would make shit worse.

‘You gonna kill him Jason?’

‘ He deser-‘

‘ No Jason’ You cut off abruptly, getting up from your place against his counter.

‘ You realise that Batman being murdered would shake more than just Gotham? More than just Dick and Barbra? You’d shake half the fucking country’ You scolded, pacing up and dow’ in the same footstep rhythm.

You could tell Todd was conflicted, with his helmet now off you could watch his brows furrow and his eyes narrow in thought, his face now scarred in certain places. The facial features sharper with age and internalised hatred. Batman assured him that he wasn’t going to be hurt, but look at what happened to that? There you were, now stood in front of the 19 year old who was supposed to buy you a soda as a kid after loosing a bet, now around 6’0 and wanting revenge on one of the only people he thought he could trust.

Clearly your stare was piercing enough to catch Todd’s attention, as he was now staring at you, his breath slightly hitching as he remembered how truly sharp your glance was.

For the first time in ages, Todd felt self conscious, nervous even; did you think he was ruined? Did you feel pity for him? He had no clue.

Without any further debate, you walked up to him, looking up and down at him whilst you were only what seemed to be a few inches away from him, the lack of space allowed Jason to observe the various changes in your appearance.

Suit was certainly different, now white and tighter fitting. Your eyebrow had a scar that resulted in a slit in the hairs, making you look more intense than used to. Similar to Jason you had also grew a good number of inches in terms of height, no 6’0 of course, but you were getting there.

Silence and observation was broken by your shaken exhale, your eyes slightly welling with minimal amounts of tears. You were surprised at the man you were in front of, now wanting to kill the man he once idolised more than anyone else.

‘ What happened to you Jason?’ You asked, a hand cupping his jaw as your other one stayed put on his opposite shoulder; Your head faced downwards in slight anguish.

At this point in time, Jason Todd was completely silent, face vacant and eyes wide as your words preoccupied his head repeatedly. Jason Todd wanted you to be proud. He wanted you to not worry about him dying again, or being alone. Jason Todd wanted you, and that’s taken him a death and rehabilitation for him to realise it.

His sudden realisation caused him to impulsively lift your chin up with his hand, messily catching some of your hair in his hands as he did. Your eyes looked tired, ones similar to his after a few weeks of making a new name for himself.

Your wet face and parted lips made him intoxicated, constantly wanting more of you, more that not just anyone could get. He wanted the exclusive. He wanted to see what the mirror does when you cry, or what your ceiling does when you relieve yourself of any sexual frustration.

You wanted the same of course, maybe it was the months and days spent grieving over his imaginary death, or the way he restricted himself when fighting you- clearly recalling your fighting style from his Robin days.

But now wasn’t the time to just stand and think, now was the time to act. To kiss, to cry, to fuck even. Time was stopping for the both of you and it took you enough balls to fucking use it.

Lips conjoined to his harshly, his hands having to secure your waist to prevent you from falling onto him recklessly. Your hands laced into his hair roughly, eventually moving back down to his cheeks that you stroked with your thumbs. Jason tried to take the kiss slowly, wanting to savour the sensations after god knows how long; But your harsher movements and demanding hands said otherwise.

Eventually, you pulled away, looking up at him as your saliva and his strung from your lips.

‘ Jason, I’m not going to help you fuck up the city. What I’m going to do is help you take down the fuckers of this shit hole- and that is it. No Batman. Nothing of the sort.’ You asserted sternly, fixing yourself and taking your weapons with you; now returning to the ‘luxury’ of your apartment.

For once in his almost second life; Jason Todd had felt a sense of need.

#red hood #jason todd #dc comics #angst prompt

[timdrakequotes]

Hey! Was wondering if you could pull up some of Tim’s serious/inspirational quotes.

1.  ‘One of the things I’ve learned is that it gets bad for everyone sometimes. Superman, Batman–everyone. I remember I’m not alone. I remember things do get better. Sometimes on their own, most times when you work at them. And when I have trouble remembering those things, I find people to talk to. […] Your folks, an old friend, even a trained counselor you’ve never met before. Someone who has a totally different perspective because they’re not as close to the problems as you are. Maybe they give you advice, and that’s great…or maybe they just listen. Sometimes, that’s all you need. Anyway, that’s how I deal with it when things suck. And it works.’ –Tim Drake (Robin #156 – The High Dive)

2. ‘Get up. Get the hell up. You don’t get to quit!’

–Tim Drake to himself (Robin #167 – The Promise)

3. “You know what? You never made me Robin. I made myself.”

–Tim Drake on Batman (Robin #100 – The Price of Justice)

4. ‘All of us. We’re not the costumes. At the end of the day, we’re just a bunch of scared  guys trying to fight through the fear and leave the world a little better than we found it. People always ask,“Why Young Justice?” I’ll tell you why: Because we’re so damned glad that we found each other, that we hold on to each other like life preservers as the flood waters rise. We don’t get more complicated than that. We don’t have to.’

–Tim Drake (Young Justice #55 – I’ve Got A Secret)

5. ‘Maybe…maybe it was the pressure. When you’re fighting for what you believe in–for what’s right–you find out just how alone you are. Every time you face up to evil, you have to beat it. But you only have one life…and you can’t afford to lose it. It’s a knife-edge not many can walk. Sometimes…even heroes fall.’

–Tim Drake (Batman #466 – No More Heroes)

6. ‘I don’t like people putting us in a box. Telling us what we’re capable of. Telling us who we are. I chose to become Robin, nobody picked me.’

–Tim Drake (Teen Titans #4 – Breaking the Rules)

7. “I hear a lot of loose talk about “justice” these days. Maybe we should talk more about peace.”

–Tim Drake (Robin #26 – The Hard Lessons)

8. “Despite how cold and empty I actually feel, I go out of my way to keep it lighthearted. Because I’m not going to surrender to the void, no matter how attractive and comforting it seems. The all too welcoming abyss. That dark place where Batman lives.”

–Tim Drake (Robin #132 – Fresh Blood Part One of Four: Too Many Ghosts)

9. “I can feel it now, like Batman used to. Electricity and guilt, shadows and sadness, kinetic energy and hope. It’s my city now if I want it to be. Not Dick’s. Not Bruce’s. Mine. But to make it that way…to make it right…what will I have to become? So many choices…but what will be my decision…?”

–Tim Drake (Red Robin #26 – What Goes Around…)

10. ‘If I were no longer Robin…that would mean that no more innocent people are being threatened. No more criminals going around breaking the law. No one was living in fear of their lives. No more crime or wrongdoing. It would mean that mankind had entered Utopia, and I’d be happy for humanity. Because that would be the only circumstance under which I’d quit the game.’

–Tim Drake to Young Justice (Young Justice #7 – Conferences)

11. Robin: [to Jack Drake’s grave] I’m tired of pretending that not having you here isn’t killing me. That every time I lose someone else, it doesn’t take a little part of me with them. Before…before it happened, you told me it was all worth it. This life was all worth it, and that I should never question it. Well, I’ve been trying…please believe that I’m still trying…but every day I have to find another reason to put this mask back on. Sometimes it’s for Bruce. Sometimes for Conner, but a lot of times, I do it for you. Because you were brave enough to understand the man I wanted to be. And you lost your life because of it. If I was just some normal kid with some normal life, you’d be alive today. Maybe Mom would be alive today. Were your lives really worth all the others I’ve saved? God, how can I even ask that? Dad, I used the night of your death as a reason–no, as an excuse to turn into someone else…and I came here tonight to tell you it won’t happen again. I’ll never give up, Dad. Not while there’s a breath in our bodies–neither one of us will ever give up.

Batman: [above Tim on a tree branch] No. We won’t.

Robin: We’ll get stronger. We’ll get faster. We’ll get smarter. We’ll honor you, and everyone else we’ve lose. We’ll die before this happens again. We won’t forget. And maybe some day… Maybe you can forgive us.

Batman: Goodnight, Jack. I’ll take it from here.

–Tim Drake with Bruce Wayne to Jack Drake (Robin #167 – The Promise)

12. ‘I don’t care if I am afraid–I can still act!’–Tim Drake to Scarecrow 

(Batman #457 – Master of Fear)

13. “Here’s the thing: no one can predict their own future. The best a guy can do is to look to those who’ve been much longer on the same path as him, and see what a life of walking that path has done for them. For me, those people are Bruce and Dick. 

You see what I’m getting at? Bruce has been on the job the longest. It’s slowly driven him madand eaten the human part right out of him. But what about Dick? Surely a guy like him can’t dedicate himself to this line of work and keep a level head on his shoulders? I wanna yell “He can!” But I can’t forget the glimpses I’ve seen recently of the same kind of monster eating at Dick, too. Little things that, looking back now, I can remember seeing in Bruce a few years ago. Should I call them “early warning signs”? Do I dare to assume it’s a disease I can’t catch with time?” 

–Tim Drake (Robin #100 – The Price of Justice)

14. ‘You can’t have a friendship without trust…nor a relationship…nor a teammate. Take Batman for example… He trusts me to keep his secrets, to cover his back. I trust him the exact same way. He knows that I’ll always consult him on anythinghaving to do with those secrets, and vice versa. Because of that implicit trust, our relationship works. And it’s unique.’

–Tim Drake to Secret and Spoiler (Young Justice #30 – Round Robin)

15. “No time for ego, hurt feelings, petty disagreements…it’s all in the past. I need help. I can’t do this by myself.”

–Tim Drake (Red Robin #9 – Collision: Part One of Four)

16. “Hesitation…second guessing…self-pity… Leave them behind. They’re death now. Use what you know. Remember what you learned. Be smart. Stay alive. Save the girl. Remember what Shiva taught you…what Ducard taught you. Remember how Dick moves so effortlessly. Remember Conner’s own special “techniques.” Remember what Bruce did. Use it all now. Win the next fight and the one after that before you get there. Remember everything your teachers gave you. Don’t be any of them. Be all of them.”

–Tim Drake (Red Robin #8 – Council of Spiders: Part Four of Four)

17. Tim: Robin is a symbol just as much as Batman is. It isn’t just a symbol of the law, it’s a symbol of justice. And Batman needs a Robin.

Batman: What I do is dangerous.

Tim: I know.

–Tim Drake with Bruce Wayne (Young Justice Secret Origins – 80 Page Giant: Little Wing)

18. ‘Of course we’re going to do this. I said it looked tough, not unbeatable.’

–Tim Drake to Secret (Young Justice Secret Files and Origins – Take Back the Night)

19. ‘“Never fight angry.” I didn’t know what it meant until tonight. He wasn’t talking about style or common sense. He was talking about weapons. Honor. Purpose. That’s what helps you survive and win. When all you bring to the fight is anger…you’ve already lost.’

–Tim Drake (Robin #25 – Sophomore Lethal)

20. ‘If you’re asking if I plan to continue as Robin, the answer is yes. I’m more determined now than ever before. But don’t for a moment think I’m now like you, Bruce. I’m not about to let these losses turn me into another copy of you–grim and vengeful and closed off from most of what keeps us human. Steph and Darla and my Dad died in a war worth fighting–made even more so because of the terrible price they paid, not in spite of it. I won’t squander their sacrifice by quitting again. So, if you’ll still have me, I’m Robin, and I’m in it for the long run.’

–Tim Drake to Bruce Wayne (Robin #132 – Fresh Blood Part One of Four: Too Many Ghosts)

21. ‘This is the deal. You want us to be part of the Teen Titans, this Tower has nomore rules. We get enough of them at home. We won’t sit on the sidelines. We won’t be treated like inferiors.’

–Tim Drake (Teen Titans #6 – War and Peace)

22. ‘We know we’re right, but what’s the point in being right if we’re not willing to fight for it?’

–Tim Drake to Red Tornado (Young Justice #18 – Revolting Developments)

#answered

[cinder-wulf]

Character Questionnaire: Cinder

Player Task 001: Character Development. 

BASICS

1. Height?

I'm 5'7".

2. Eye colour?

...green, though Haruhime called it forest green.

3. Do they need glasses?

I don't. I have a hunter's eyesight.

4. Scars and birthmark?

None.

5. Tattoos and piercings?

None. I was thinking of getting the same tattoos as Haruhime, though. Hers were amazing.

6. Right or left handed?

Both. (He is ambidextrous.)

7. Any disabilities? Physical or mental.

None.

8. Do they have any allergies?

I'm not sure. I got sick after eating crabs once but I did eat a lot of them that one time and I haven't gotten sick from eating crabs since.

9. Favourite colour?

Green. Sometimes red.

10. Typical outfits?

My kannushi clothes. My mentor Ryuki gifted them to me, so they're...nice.

11. Do they wear any makeup?

Nope.

12. What weapon do they use, if any?

I use my ceremonial scimitar, which is basically just a normal scimitar but with the Sai family's special emblem. They're very traditional, you know.

PERSONALITY

13. Are they more optimistic or pessimistic?

I'd say I'm both. (Nope, he's very pessimistic. He only gets optimistic for money.)

14. Are they introverted or extroverted?

Extroverted. (Nope. They were extroverted before but the Sai family tragedy has since turned them introverted. They do get extroverted for money or when drunk but by default they've since been introverted.)

15. What are their pet peeves?

...questions. Lots and lots of them. (Also, anything that smells bad. His senses are heightened somewhat.)

16. What bad habits do they have?

None...of your business. (They can be very moody and antisocial. Their habit of keeping secrets can be terrible as well, especially if it ends up to the detriment of their allies.)

17. Do they have any phobias?

I fear nothing. (He's afraid of spiders, well, getting surprised by them at least, and flying roaches.)

18. How do they display affection?

I don't. (He used to be very touchy and even wrote poetry for Haruhime before. These days, he rarely does, unless it's for money or when he's drunk.)

19. How competitive are they?

Eh, not very. (He is secretly super competitive but only with things like hunting, tracking, basically things that he associates he worth with.)

20. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?

Nothing. I'm perfect the way I am. (He secretly wants to change his heritage. He sometimes believes that if he wasn't who he was born as, the Sais wouldn't have suffered their tragedy.)

21. Do they have any obscure hobbies or routines?

Nope. (He observes what can only be described as the equivalent of real-world Shinto worship to Melora. He also has a soft spot for incense, tea ceremonies, and for some strange reason, flower decoration.)

BACKSTORY

22. What are the names and ages of their close family members? Parents, siblings, etc.

The Sais, master Ryuki and Haruhime, were my family. Master was old enough to be my father and Haruhime was around my age when we first met. (Cinder never met his real parents, as he was abandoned as a child. He does not know where his parents are if they are even still alive today or if he had any siblings.)

23. Is their family alive and are they still in contact with them?

...no. (The Sais passed away after suffering a tragedy, and his last contact with Ichi, Haruhime's cousin, was three years ago. He has no idea if his biological family is alive, having never met them.)

24. Where are they from? City, nation?

I'm from the far east, where cherry blossoms bloom and snow falls.

25. Did they have a childhood best friend?

Yes. Her name was Haruhime.

26. Have they had any pets?

No. I am usually the pet.

27. Did they grow up rich or poor? What were their living conditions like?

I had to fend for myself growing up when my family abandoned me as a child. That was, until I met the Sais who accepted me as their own. We lived simply, neither rich nor poor, in the service of the Sai family shrine.

28. What is their educational background?

I was mostly taught by the Sais. (He was tutored, basically home-schooled, by the Sais. He is surprisingly very literate and well-versed in magic, which he refers to as his "okurimono," and religion, specifically everything involving Melora.)

29. As a child, what did they want to be when they grew up?

I wanted for nothing but to live with the Sais until my last.

30. What advice would they give to their younger self?

...to never leave the Sais' side and protect them at all cost, even if it means your own life. There is nothing else past them, only sorrow and despair.

31. Growing up, were they ever bullied or were they the bully?

Neither. (He was most definitely bullied for being a homeless runt...until the beast within scared his bullies off. Then he was chased away by concerned parents.)

32. Who do they look up to/who is their role model?

Haruhime...and Ryuki. (Cinder didn't just love Haruhime. He actually looked up to her as a role model and saw her as his hero, being everything he wished he could have. Ryuki was more of a father figure to him, having taught him most of what he knows, than a role model, but he does admire his patience and commitment.)

PRESENT

33. Do they currently have a place of residence?

...yes? (Technically, no. He does have a room at Lunacrest, sort of, but he's always scrambling to pay his rent. The only reason he still have it is because the owner takes pity on him after accidentally hearing his story from a drunk Cinder, extending his due date whenever he can. Cinder also often wakes up in random stables, sometimes right outside the gates, after nights of heavy drinking.)

34. What is their most treasured possession?

My kannushi clothes. My ceremonial scimitar. The things that remind me of home and the Sais.

35. What is their drink of choice?

...the Redheaded Harlot. (Deep amber red and thick like blood, this shot is supposed named after a tavern's best lady of the evening. Made from fermented berries, Tree Ent Root, and Deer's blood, the rim of its flagon or glass is usually also coated in honey and dipped in a red sweet powder that is to be licked before pounding down the drink. It is said that all who drink this become very charismatic towards the opposite sex for the entire time the drink is in their system.)

36. Which king/queen are they loyal to, if any?

Whoever will pay me the most, of course. My loyalty is for sale to the highest bidder.

37. Have they ever killed anyone?

... (He has, though he never speaks of such tragedies.)

38. What was their last promise and did they keep it?

... (He promised the dying Haruhime that he would live his life like she did hers, without bitterness and anger. Clearly, he has failed to keep it. He had tried before but he just couldn't keep to it.)

LOVE

39. What was their first kiss like, if they’ve had one?

It was...the best feeling I've ever had. (It was actually pretty brief, as it was an accidental kiss between him and Haruhime. She was trying to surprise him with a peck on the cheek but he turned to look at her, curious at what she was doing.)

40. Are they in a relationship/have a love interest?

... (Haruhime was the love of his life, and he believes he will never love another.)

41. Have they ever been in love?

...yes.

42. Have they ever had their heart broken?

... (Haruhime's untimely passing broke not only his heart but also his spirit. He hasn't been the same since.)

SPIRITUALITY

43. Do they follow a god, if so who?

I follow Melora, though the Sais know her by a different name. I used to know her by a different name as well, but names are less important than what they do.

44. What do they think happens to them after death?

I'll be reunited with the Sais again.

45. What is their spirit animal?

A wolf...or maybe a fox. Both?

#romtask #character development

[ammapreker]

CELIA ST. CLEMENT 19 / theater actress

[ content warning for alcoholism ]

an inescapable need for more ∘ blurry memories ∘ waking up inexplicably bruised ∘ forgetting yesterday ∘ tangled limbs ∘ stage lights spilling across an empty stage ∘ crumbling flower petals ∘ shakespeare’s words caressing careful tongues ∘ empty wine bottles rolling against hardwood floors » a dramatic creature with a mercurial temperament / some days, her jovial moods can conjure only the bright beam she makes herself into; others, the shadows hang closer, shrouding her in darkness / her sister’s mirror image, only just noticing the spidery cracks crawling through the glass / widely considered the dark shadow to clara’s gleaming light, but perhaps it was always the other way around (or, better yet, maybe neither of them could ever have made a claim at innocence) / drowns her traumas in alcohol even before scarlet floods her palms, a symbol of her guilt that can’t be washed away / sobs harden in her throat, echoes of how could we have— silenced roughly before she speaks the final words, makes them real / life, she begins to believe, woozy with alcohol and drugs as her feet drag across a stage, has lost all sense of reality / regret seeps into her bones, flooding her senses until only two artifacts of her former life remain: the flask hidden within her pockets and the lie that keeps them safe—for now.

connections » clara st. clement [twin sister] / shiloh spencer [co-actor]

needs » the rest of the murder crew / theater actors for the shakespeare festival / former (and/or current) lovers / drinking buddies

DAWSON HUGO 35 / songwriter

piano notes spilling from a dark room ∘ whispered temptations ∘ subtle humor ∘ hidden desires ∘ script-filled notebooks ∘ creeping loneliness ∘ a toe stepped carefully over the line ∘ secrets locked behind sealed lips ∘ slipping into the darkening night » a lesson on monetizing the thoughts swirling in his mind, the temptations beating in his heart / a man who came from just above nothing and now has everything he’s ever wanted—or does he? / a former keyboardist in a band that never made it who’s risen on the back of his own penned verses / doesn’t feel pity for the bandmates whose lives he once knew as well as his own, rarely seeing them after their fall / he knows he’s gifted, talented, creative—perhaps too well / even so, he feels safer in the shadows—unremembered by crowds, sought by artists wishing to give voice to his scrawls / a dreamer who plucked his dreams and thrust them into reality before finding they’d lost their glimmer / unsatisfied, and reconciled with it (or so he thinks) / jumps from girl to girl and song to song so often, throwing himself into each before his interest wanes / finds a girl for keeps, or so he thinks until another comes his way / pleas of just this once slowly burning away every line he’s never crossed / he steps, and steps, and steps (he thought he was better than this) / he’s drunk on a girl he shouldn’t be, losing himself to the toxicity / addiction’s never felt so sweet.

connections » birdie barnes [roommate & songwriting partner] / daisy howard [girlfriend]

needs » his former bandmates who may or may not hate him for ending up with a songwriting deal even after they crashed and burned (he was the keyboardist) / a brother who never quite got over living in his shadow / exes he’s fooled around with and inevitably left due to prolonged disinterest / friends in the record industry / friends in general / singers he might have worked with in the past

FRANCESCA MANCINI 21 / croupier

[ content warning for murder, hit & run ]

a bookcase filled with whodunnits ∘ expired contacts littering the trash can ∘ waking to an early dawn ∘ fervent “i told you so”’s ∘ a tendency to over-prepare ∘ stepford smiles finally loosening their grip ∘ a desperation for salvation ∘ crippling paranoia ∘ a sudden recklessness ∘ too smart for your own good » the clever girl gone sour, gone cold, gone fearful / once, she might have convinced herself that the bright future she saw before her could remain as it was—true, pure, incapable of being tarnished by any deed she might commit / (she hadn’t known, then, what she’d be capable of) / one moment, they’d been light as air, flooded with victory; the next, a crash had left them plummeting to the ground with no safety net / they keep the secret, cover their tracks—they know how, after all / she thinks, then, of all the crimes she’s witnessed, solved; what would i have done, she’d wondered, to not get caught / perhaps she’d always known that she’d find herself on the opposing side, another criminal aching to bury her secrets / they don’t bury them deep enough; i know what you did, the letters say, promising retribution with words unspoken / all she can think: what will i do to not get caught. 

connections » ludovica mancini [sister] / audrey astor, luna graves & the rest of mystery inc. [best friends]

needs » scooby doo-inspired request / co-workers for the illegal gambling den she’s currently working undercover at (with plans to expose them) to feel less guilty / exes galore / friends outside of the scooby gang who she’s likely distanced herself from as a result of what happened / literally anything, she’s completely open!

LIAM HANLON 31 / paralegal

[ content warning for death ]

newspaper pages tossed aside in a flurry ∘ clenched jaws ∘ pulsing migraines ∘ eyes glued to a phone screen ∘ a life passing by, unnoticed ∘ grasping to self-assurance as the world collapses into ruins ∘ burnt coffee ∘ time ticking endlessly away on a watch face ∘ brisk strides ∘ this cannot go on » a man consumed with a future that’s not his own / wants and dreams glisten upon the ladder he’s thrust himself upon, certain that the top will provide everything he wants—a name, a position, a surge of support swelling beneath him as he makes his own political strides / if he ever reaches the top; if he ever manages to pull himself from the outskirts of history into its center / currently a paralegal with dreams of a brighter future that’ll never come to fruition / driving himself mad with impatience and jealousy / stares at the ring on his fiancée’s hand and wonders if it would be better to leave, better to break up the monotony with a complete abandonment of his current life / the death of her sister dismantles any actions he might have taken; their inheritance of a two year old with only an aunt left to claim her submits them to mere fantasies never to be made real / the pressure mounts—the baby’s cries, zara’s grief, his mother’s new book—until the cracks begin to show / it’s only a matter of time before he breaks.

connections » zara şensoy [fiancée]

needs » siblings who are equally f*cked up with a mother whose parenting books delved a little too deeply into their childhoods / exes galore / friends. he’s a lot but he needs them / especially friends with children because he somehow has a baby now???

ROSCOE RYAN 21 / student

unquenchable curiosity ∘ obedient tongues ∘ 20/20 peripheral vision ∘ whispers quieting after stepping foot into a room ∘ a diary full of words unspoken ∘ burying a past with dulcet lies ∘ unrelenting pride ∘ a villain casting himself in the role of the observer, nothing more ∘ imminent betrayal » a boy born to trailer parks and unappeasable parents no, let’s rewrite the story, shall we? / a boy born beneath the glistening stars of los angeles (true) with parents unaffected by his presence (true) and consumed by the monotony of their daily lives (true) as heirs to a fortune passed down from his grandfather (lie) / the moment he steps within the bounded gates of ucla, he reinvents himself, sprinkling importance and wealth into a past bereft of both / the collections of photographs that hang upon his walls impress upon the viewer two facts / the first: the frat he’s grown in, thrived in, means everything to him / the second: his life, as he’d prefer it, began three years prior with his steps upon the college lawns / perfection blooms in every scene, every pose, even as whispers threaten to tarnish the gilded legacy he’s built / did you hear? the students gasp amongst each other, their gazes sliding across every boy decked in the letters of sigma chi / the rumors—hazing, terror, oh my god, is he—spread like wildfire / still, the kid won’t speak / still, guilt hovers above them all, awaiting a place to rest.

connections » pierce griffin [fraternity brother] / bambi wheeler [former friend & neighbor]

needs » frat boy crew (request to come!) / miscellaneous hook ups / old trailer park acquaintances he’ll pretend not to know / someone to tell him his frat almost put the blame on him for the hazing incident

SILAS GRAVES 24 / vampire bartender

last night’s glitter clinging to your skin ∘ hollow laughter ∘ cheshire grins ∘ jumping into pools fully clothed ∘ fake blood recipes ∘ coffins are rather comfy, you know ∘ locking memories away ∘ empty wine bottles cluttered around sinks ∘ gathering fog ∘ dark streets slick with rain ∘ sink your teeth in » a boy who glorifies in bringing the traits of the undead into the land of the living / is it all real, or just an act? that’s a secret sealed behind reddened lips, one he’ll take to his grave / you can only guess as rants regarding edward cullen spill between the would-be vampire and his audience, compelled—by curiosity, by magic, who can say?—to listen the dulcet tones of his voice uninhibited by the fangs curling around his teeth / believes himself untouchable, untethered—free / still, his past clings to him, pulling him backwards at every turn even as he crushes the memories that seek to undo him / he’s nothing more than this—a glitter-clad man longing to be a monster known from fables / untouchable, untethered to the reality that everyone else finds themselves bound to / that, there, is true freedom. 

connections » oskar björk [employer] / fleur zhao [being catfished by her]

needs » additional coworkers for the horror bar / exes, currents (flings and flirts) / people for him to argue with about the merits of edward cullen’s popularity amongst vampires / more people for the adoptive graves fam / friends who either embrace or ignore his weirdnesses / literally anything else

SPENCER LINDSAY 23 / con artist

ghosting™ ∘ sharp stilettos clacking on a subway car ∘ longing for a stranger’s touch ∘ swollen lips ∘ empty houses ∘ discarded half-smoked cigarettes ∘ strawberry milkshakes ∘ silent screams ∘ hope lingering just out of reach ∘ a crunch of glass underfoot ∘ never look back » a ghost, haunting the remnants of her former life / past spencer lindsay: beautiful, popular, a bright future gleaming in her eager palms / current spencer lindsay: beautiful, nameless, stolen money and jewelry sparkling against the bright gleam of a street lamp / the division: a fortune nearly lost, a mother’s desperate act, a stepfather’s final breath / her father’s fraud charges and subsequent rush out of the us barely merited a recollection outside her social circle; her mother’s murder trial, however, summoned the attention of los angeles and it held her captive / her mother loses; she disappears in the night—door left open, a broken wine glass scattered in pieces on the living room floor, a closet full of clothes she couldn’t carry with her / no investigation can cease the steady stream of rumors even now—dead, killed, gone / she waits in the wings, knowing she should never have come back, unable to keep herself away.

connections » nicholas hawthorne [ex-boyfriend] / benji wyatt [ex-boyfriend] / chloe valentine [con besties] / willa de witte [former best friend]

needs » the o.c. crew (request coming shortly) / people to steal from / the bling ring crew (request to come!) / exes from her high school days / people to hook up with while she pines away / people she f*cked over back in the day / people she’s f*cking over now / someone who knows her by one of her other aliases and who she may or may not have stolen from (oops) / people who/whose families her dad stole from back in the day who might be holding a grudge

TRISTAN BENNET 22 / runaway

crooked smiles ∘ unspoken desperation ∘ dreams warring against doubt ∘ ripping away old skins ∘ the growing ease of a lie ∘ worn sneakers ∘ festering distrust ∘ crumpled bills stuffed into pockets ∘ rush of adrenaline ∘ being watched ∘ shoes pounding against asphalt » formerly a texas boy, he’s since shed his accent, his history, his very own name—the only truth he’s maintained is his sister / they stole away in the night on the eve of the wedding their parents had forced upon her, giving up their lives as they knew them for a chance at freedom / freedom is: devouring every matt damon and ben affleck movie they can get their hands on, learning the twists of the boston accents they’ve affected; bringing their sister back from the dead as their “connection” to los angeles, forcing their memories of her into the role of hopeful young actress dreaming of the big screen; learning to force smiles upon his lips as nerves eat away at the blessed happiness that had encompassed him upon their escape / it’s terrifying in its splendor, in its ephemerality / he thinks: if they find out. he thinks: they can’t. / spends his nights waking to every footstep outside the motel door and his days jumping at each and every craigslist ad he can get his hands on / the money he’d stolen as a second thought dwindles in his palms and he’s starved for safety, for survival / he thinks: what might i do, for that. 

connections » juliet bennet [sister] / the shakespeare theatre crew [he works part-time backstage]

needs » friends are likely in short supply since he tends to keep himself ~under the radar~, but he should have some anyway / maybe a drug dealer for him to get involved with to make more $$$ / people with some fun craigslist requests for interesting threads / potential make outs now that he’s ~free~ and able to explore his sexuality (he’s a virgin, please be gentle) before he ghosts them

#throwshaderp #m: development #please kill me if i make any more.

[isobel-thorm]

All for Grant. >:3c

1) How do they respond to having a song stuck in their head? Does that happen to them often? “Oh God, not that one again” then begrudgingly play it til its out of his head. 

2) How do they feel about confronting their friends when issues arise? He’ll only confront them if the situation turns absolutely dire/Grant thinks the friendship is on the brink of disintegrating. He’ll try to keep his own feelings close to his chest if he thinks it’ll lead to a confrontation. 

3) When speaking to themselves in their mind, how do they refer to themselves? “You” and a buncha self-deprecating or self-preserving adjectives. 

4) Do they enjoy wearing socks/stockings when they aren’t wearing shoes? Not really. Socks get annoying after a while. 

5) Do they have any unappealing habits (ex: picking their nose, hawking loogies)? Does nearly nonstop self-hate count?

6) How do they cope with losing a game? Shrug it off and move on

7) How do they cope with losing an argument? Same as the last answer

8) How do they cope with losing a friend? Fuck him up entirely. Losing one if they part ways after a fight is right up there with losing his friends in that skirmish, so a lot of anger/grief goes internal and he either shuts down or turns the blame on himself. 

9) How do they cope with losing a lover? Not as upset about losing a friend, but close. It takes him a while to decide he’s even worthy of love, so it’s an outlook of “they’re better off without me.” 

10) Do they enjoy sitting on countertops? I wouldn’t say “enjoy” but he does if the place he’s in is cramped and the space allows for it. 

11) How expressive is their face? Are they easy to read? Not very expressive/he usually keeps a neutral face, but he expresses himself a lot via expressions, so when he does react to something, a little goes a long way. 

12) How do they deal with experiencing physical pain?  He’s got a high pain threshold, so he basically just rolls with it. 

13) Are they easily insulted? Not at all

14) Would they prefer to act or react? Depends on the situation. In general, react, if there’s an emergency or someone is in danger, then definitely act first. 

15) How would they respond to performing on stage? The only way to get him up on a stage would be if you had to administer medical attention on a flat surface while he was unconscious. Can’t respond to being up there if you go out of your way to never get on a stage. 

16) Would they ever wear perfume or cologne? When? What would the scent be? He’s not a cologne guy in the least. 

17) Could their personality or interests be considered “flighty?” Do they change their mind/interests often? Not at all. He’s got a small handful of interests that never really change/suit him just fine, so he’s happy with them. 

18) Do they daydream? Of what? All of the “what if”s if his life hadn’t gone to shit. 

19) What is the most inappropriate thing they have ever done in public? Decked a guy in passing for poking fun at an injured homeless vet. It was an emotional day for him to begin with, and it’s not ‘inappropriate’ per se, but he’s still not entirely thrilled he did something that escalated that quickly. 

20) What was their favorite toy as a child? Little He-Man figures that his uncles got him. 

21) What was their favorite way to play as a child (ex: playing pretend, playing games with rules like tag,)? Playing pretend, though usually it was basically only half a game, because he’d pretend to be a rancher/cowboy in the Old West while helping out at his uncles’ farm. 

22) How do the sneeze (ex: loudly, quietly, openly, into their elbow, hold the sneeze in)? Tries to be as quiet as possible, into his arm 

23) When engaged in an irritating conversation, how to they conduct themselves? Lots of smiling and nodding. 

24) What words make them cringe? “Purpose” , “square” (in a ‘town square’ sense), “guilt”

25) How do they feel in large crowds? Fairly comfortable, though the soldier in him is constantly noting how many exits are around/what have you in case of an emergency where he has to get people out. 

26) Would they ever spend an afternoon in a library? What section would they spend the most time in? He probably wouldn’t, but if he had to, probably any place with the comfiest chairs. 

27) Do they find it difficult to try new foods? Not at all, he’s willing to try new things right off the bat. 

28) If a friend asked them to taste something and it turned out to be unpleasant, how would they handle it? Not let them see him struggle with it, keep his face/voice as pleasant as possible. He’d rather die than hurt their feelings. And he’d wait a few minutes/at least a couple of it’s a quick cooking process and make ‘harmless suggestions’ to try and improve the dish - but deliver the suggestions so blase so it doesn’t seem like he’s actively correcting them and they think it’s mostly their personal change, ie: “Oh, that could use... I don’t know, little something for an extra little kick” “Hmm. Oh, I could add more sugar, even out some of the bitterness!” “Perfect!” 

29) Do they wear underwear? 100% of the time, yes

30) Can they pee in front of other people? Only people he’s close to/has known for years. 

31) What story gave them nightmares as a child? When his parents talked about getting promotions and the like - which meant less time for him, so he’d dream about them leaving him somewhere/forgetting him/being all alone etc. 

32) How would they respond to being handed an infant? Absolutely petrified. He would hate it, fear that he’s tainting the kid and try to hand them off to someone else the first chance they got. He’d definitely have to have someone right there next to him to reassure him that he’s being really good with them. Which is a crime because most babies usually immediately love him. 

33) How would they respond to being asked to watch over a child for an afternoon? “Uuuuhhh is there.... someone... else? More qualified?” 

34) Do they enjoy climbing trees? No. Doesn’t really see the point. 

35) In which of their own skill sets do they have the most confidence? Why? Threat assessment while referring to people, because it’s what he was good at in the Army. 

36) Do they enjoy receiving compliments? How do they respond to it? Laugh it off and be super dismissive about it. “Thanks, but not really.” 

37) How often are they the one to initiate physical contact? Not very often. He’s got to be in a rare affectionate mood to initiate. If someone else initiates he’d be happy to go along with it, though.

38) Do they prefer salty or sweet things? Sweet

39) Do they get the urge to jump from high places? ... ... You all know the angsty direction I could take this which is ABSOLUTELY true, but for now I’ll say no and be lying through my teeth. 

40) Have they every written a dirty letter and actually sent it? Not at all. Dirty communication of any kind isn’t his forte. 

41) How would they describe their love life?  “Non-existent and loving it” (John or Matthew walk by) “... ... Okay so that was an outright lie and I’m happy.” 

42) How would they describe their sex life? “Not bad” - he borders on ace so it doesn’t happen much, which he’s absolutely fine with. 

43) Do they hide objects? What and where? He doesn’t hide any objects. He figures he hides enough of his personal life, why add more things to the list? 

44) What are their reasons for getting up in the morning (outside of achieving their main goal)? Again there’s a very heavy, very true, very angsty answer that I could go with, but for now - he doesn’t want to disappoint and/or worry Nic, John or Matthew, so he’ll get up for them, then genuinely enjoy the day just because he gets to spend time with them. 

45) Who is their greatest confidant? Who confides in them? Nic. She was the first one in years to not pry into his life with annoying, over-asked questions. She didn’t constantly give him pitying looks either. She treated him like a regular person and let him come to her with details about his life, so she earned his trust and friendship, and that gives her confidant status. And it’s mutual for that reason. 

46) What is something they’ve always wanted to do, but know they shouldn’t? Tell off his parents for being shitty people. He could, but there’s already been so much damage between them and done to himself he’s afraid he’d rip apart what shreds of a relationship they have left. 

47) Is there someone whose laugh makes them laugh as well? Nic again, John on occasion, Whitehorse, Matthew

48) How festive are they on holidays? Depends on who he’s with. If he’s alone, he’ll be vaguely festive. Put him with Nic, or whichever boyfriend he has depending on the Universe, or his family he does have a good relationship with: “Hell yeah, give me that ugly sweater, Hell yeah I’ll help you with the ham, Hell yeah I’ll play Santa for the kids.” 

49) How would they respond to their ears ringing for an extended period of time? Would drive him absolutely bonkers and he’ll try any trick in the book to make it stop. 

50) How likely is it that they would be the first to point out a full moon or a beautiful sunset? He wouldn’t be the first to point it out but he’d be the first to notice it. 

#Deputy Grant #Sad sad sad neutral sad ANGST neutral CHRISTMAS #is exactly how these answers go #amistrio

[justscreamingnothing]

Some quick thots on sex and the like

It kind of does bother me that I’ve never had sex before in the same way that it bothered me that I had never driven before- i just want to know what the experience is like firsthand. I’ve had friends tell me what some of their sexual encounters are like and sometimes even in detail if they’re willing to share but it’s not something you can pry. Like if they feel uncomfortable or you get the sense you’re going too far you kind of just have to let it go. Which is fine- I don’t want to know all the details of the sexual lives of my friends but I jsut wish it didn’t elude me so much. I want to know what it really actually really feels like. I have so many fucking questions as to how it all works, what it feels like (not like how your actual pussy feels but how you feel in the moment when yo’re having sex) and it’s so weird asking somebody especially all at once because it can veer into them patronizing you or otherwise pitying you, you poor sexless cretin. In general I sometimes think about how it looks from the outside that I’m a big ole virgin (not that I really tell people) but I know that they’d just think it’s because I’m fat, like oh yeah, of course you’ve never had sex before, I mean look at you. Which is.... not something I want associated with myself. I mean most people don’t assume that I’m a virgin if that ever comes up (thank god) but even though I wouldn’t say I’m “ashamed” of being a virgin it’s also not something I feel good about bringing up if someone asks because I don’t want them to look at me a certain way. Does that make sense? Like I don’t want someone to like, ask me how many people I’ve been with, and then I say “none haha” and them just be like oh, ok, that makes sense, and just kind of feel sorry for me. Especially because I don’t see myself as someone who is sexually shy, actually, I’m an extremely sexual person, it’s something I think a lot about, I’m horny more often than not, I’m really really willing to experiment in the bedroom, I just have never gotten the chance to do that.

And the longer I go without ever having fucked the harder it gets because I want to be having casual sex and I want those walls to come down and then to get beat up but with every passing year it becomes a bigger and bigger thing. Like, ok, a virgin 19 year old is no big deal but a 23 year old virgin? 24? 25? Maybe it’s not a big deal to some and I understand that I am young still obviously but for me it’s just becoming more and more of a pressing issue. I guess I don’t want to admit this but I am a little bit ashamed of never having had sex. Like, it makes me feel like even more of an outsider. It’s just not a conscious choice anymore. I really do wish I could have regular casual sex but I don’t want my first time ever to be with some person I barely know that doesn’t really care about me. GOD there’s just such a big divide between the life I thought I’d have- the life that’s playing out in my head, and the life I’m leading. Which is something I have to learn to make peace with. I can’t continue to be hard on myself because I’m not leading the life I never planned for, the perfect life I set up for myself as a teenager. This is the life I’m leading now, the life I’m trying to steer in the right direction. It just breaks my heart. I thought I’d be in a job I like, living alone or with roommates, having a string of boyfriends and girlfriends. Having at least the options, but none of these is true for me. Maybe there is a person I like, but maybe I just think that because we get along and she’s a nice person and she’s available and I’m horny. Talk about the wrong reasons to get in a relationship. I don’t know what to do. Like, with myself. When I get this way I feel like I could just explode. Like I’m going crazy and all the stars and colors and patterns inside of me are going to burst out and destroy everything I know. 

And all this because I’ve never had sex LOL. I guess there isn’t any one way to do life. I had a dream last night that I had been having sex with my friend so I went up to this guy I knew and propositioned him because I wanted to know what it was like to have sex with a guy (I know, I think I’m Arya) and I told him that I’d be at the club the next day and the guy was really into it. I wish I could have that confidence in real life. It’s not that I don’t love myself but I’m also very aware of how other people see me, and it sucks not to live up to societal expectations of beauty, even if you don’t think you’re ugly. There’s such a big difference in how you view yourself and how you know other people view you. I remember going to the club not too long ago and I asked three different guys to dance with me and they all turned me down. Three. Different. Fucking. Guys. And they all said no. How am I supposed to fucking feel? Like damn ok, even if I were here to get it I’d be going home alone. I don’t know man, it’s all so fucked up. I just really fucking want someone to keep me warm. A like, talk to me? And check up on me? And fuck me? And care about me? And want me to fuck them? 

I don’t want sex to elude me anymore, I want to be playing from inside the fucking field. I want to know and understand and experience it and not just spend 20-30 minutes masturbating every night. I want a lovely experience and it doesn’t really look like that’s on the horizon for me. While we’re at it- you know what else i want? I don’t know if this happens in real life or not but I want that trope where two people meet and they’re just automatically sexually attracted to each other and they like fuck in random places. Does that happen to people in real life? If so I want that. Most of all I just want to have life experiences. I don’t know who I pissed off or what I did wrong or what I’m doing wrong to have been left out of so much but I want a relationship! To move out of my parents house! To get a nice job I love! To be a regular fucking person. I think not having certain experiences has really contributed to me feeling like such a fucking outsider and further distancing myself and even hurting my self esteem because it’s always been like ok, why not me? How come I don’t get to go to college or be in a relationship or drive or be respected, or have a bunch of friends or, or, or? It’s really fucked me up but no more, I can’t be cast out, I didn’t do anything to deserve that. I’m gonna know what the fuck it’s like from the inside- sooner rather than later.

(Ha! and these were supposed to be “quick thoughts”)

#og post #reminder april 23 2019 #thoughts on sex #god I want intimacy so fucking bad too ugh #i'll prob write about that later #also jealousy I should write about that too

[spikeisawesome456]

So... I decided to do all of these asks, because I was bored. :-D 

Obscure Asks.

1. what’s your favorite way to dress? Uhh… Comfortably. I tend to just wear yoga pants, graphic t-shirts, and a Dipper hat.

2. if you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? Ohhh… I both want to say lots of things, and nothing. Because on one hand, there are things about me that annoy me (I overshare, I sometimes get insanely hyper, like now, I can be really mean/rude, etc.…), but on the other hand, I do enjoy who I am. For all my faults, I am proud of the person I’ve become, and the person I’m still becoming. Maybe I’d make my memory better, so I could really utilize my intelligence, and stop forgetting people’s names because it’s starting to get really rude.

3. what movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? Eh… I like to play Stardew Valley, but it doesn’t help me calm down. I play it when I’m calm. It actually used to stress me out… probably not a good example. Uh… Nothing, I guess. Music helps. Sometimes. Basically, when I’m stressed, the only thing that can help is solving the problem or ignoring the problem. And if I can’t ignore it, I just… get stressed. Hugging my mom sometimes helps.

4. what does your room smell like? Like… a room? It smells okay? It recently smells like Maple Cinnamon Pancakes, because I got a Maple Cinnamon Pancake candle from Bath and Body Works, so… yeah?

5. do you like to organize? Ehh… Like to, yes. Do I do it? Noooo….

6. what kind of music would you listen to if you could only choose one? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Why Would You Ask Me This???????????? Also I’m assuming this means genre. But… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

7. what song is your aesthetic? Um… I don’t really know my Aesthetic? I’m a bit all over the place. Girly, tom boy, shiny, glittery, matte…. Fast, slow, everything in between and outside. If you know of a song like that, then that’s me! Otherwise… Eh.

8. what color do you think goes best with your personality? Uh… No idea. I like blue, though. I’m not that calm a person, though. Well, sometimes, but not always. Well, it depends on what you mean by calm. So… Probably purple, a mix between loud red/orange and cool blue.

9. do you believe in auras? Not… really? A little? Like, we each have our own personal feel, and energy. Like, in a psychological way. But in the color way? Not really. Can people feel other’s energy better than others? Sure! But that’s just a hyper awareness of self and other, not a “six sense,” or whatever.

10. what do you wish you hated, but actually like? I don’t wish to hate anything.

11. vague about your crush(es) I… don’t have any. I decided a long time ago that crushes were stupid, after I ruined a good friendship with my weird crush. Plus, I don’t spend enough time around people to develop crushes.

12. is there someone you have mixed feelings towards? Not… really? Some of my old professors, maybe. My Abnormal Psychology professor was nice, sometimes, but could say such mean things at times about people with mental illness.

13. talk about an au or story you came up with Oh! I made up a story about a man who has two sons (though I changed it so one child, the elder, was a daughter in the last edit, so…) who sold his soul to keep them safe and happy, after he lost all his money when his business partner skipped town and left his embezzlement charges with the man. The man didn’t get sent to jail, since the small town had pity on him, but he did lose all his money, meaning his eldest, now a daughter, had to steal. Hating that, he made a deal with the devil. 2 years later, the devil (who isn’t evil, but more like the Jewish idea of the devil, who is a temptation) comes knocking and the man learns that instead of taking his soul, since the devil would get it at his death regardless (in order to make a deal with the devil you had to commit the greatest sin, murder, thus tainting your soul), the devil took the thing you loved most. For selfish men, it would be their fame and money. For lustful men, it would be their object of affection. For the man, who had made the deal for selfless reasons, it was his children, whom he loved more than anything.

The plot would have gone into the man trying to escape the devil, who graciously gave him a week to prepare, but I didn’t know how to write it, and it’s kind of been in my notes on my iPod for years. It would have ended with the devil catching up to the family, with the man finally begging the devil to let his children live, that it wasn’t their fault. And the devil would have smiled, sweetly, before killing the children while the man watched. As the devil turned away, the man would have brokenly asked why? Why he couldn’t have left them alone? And the devil would have chuckled sadly and said that it was what had always been planned. That the entire chase had been futile from the very first moment. The devil had sympathy for the man, but he couldn’t go against the orders of God (my version of the devil is kinder, more sympathetic to the plights of humans, since I view the “devil” not as an enemy, but as, I previously mentioned, a temptation. He tempts people, on God’s orders, but doesn’t have any true animosity towards humanity. He just follows orders). Finally, the man begs the devil to kill him, to end his suffering, that even an eternity in Hell would be better than living knowing he killed his children. And then, I’m split on the ending. In the dream that inspired this story, the devil smiles wickedly and says, “I thought you’d never ask,” before bashing the man (me, in the dream) over the head with a bat, since in the dream the devil was eviler. But I think it’s more poignant to let the devil laugh softly again, turn, and say “Oh, my dear man. That’s the whole point,” before walking away/disappearing.

Anyway, that was my main story idea. I really like it, and wrote about 20,000 words for it, but got stuck on the middle part. I wanted to add an old friend of the man’s, who became an alcoholic following the death of one of their old friends. The friend group fell apart after the man left for plot reasons, which I don’t have time to explain, and it grew worse until one of their friends died, and the whole friend group fell apart and she became an alcoholic. However, I wasn’t sure if this subplot took away from the whole plot, and I felt it was written poorly, so I kind of gave up. Plus, I had no idea what obstacles the devil could put in their way, since I don’t know religion. Though… I am currently taking a bible course in college, so maybe I’ll revisit the story. If anyone wants to read what I have, send me a message. :-)

14. do you like makeup? Eh… Depends. I sometimes like it. Also, after writing about my whole story, going back to these questions just feel weird. Eh.

15. do you prefer space or the ocean? I like the ocean, since I can see it more often. Though, I love looking at the stars when I can. I just live in a city with tons of light pollution and can’t ever see the stars.

16. if you could pick any planet besides earth, where would you live? ????? What other planets could I live on??? I don’t know any real planets that have life on them, and none of the 7 others we have interest me much. Or is this fictional? In which case… I don’t know?

17. what form of government do you like the most? (capitalism, socialism, etc.) Um… this took a dark turn. “Hey, what’s your favorite color??” “Do you like makeup??? :-D” “What is your political preference, you capitalist/commie scum???” This question just feels like a trap the cops laid in the middle of a silly, fun little quiz.

18. what animal would you keep as a pet, if you could? I’d keep a cat, but I’m allergic. And a little afraid. Also, I think this means like, wild animal, or mythical creature, but I wouldn’t want to keep a wild animal captive, even if I could. Same with mythical creature.

19. what do you think our purpose is in the universe? To do our best and to enjoy the life we’ve been given. This relates to the next question, but I believe that if there is a God, they’d want us to enjoy life.

20. do you believe in god(s)? Continuing from the last question, yes and no. I believe in a higher power, since I don’t see how the entire universe and life can just be random, but I don’t really believe in “God” or “gods” as humans have imagined them, as helpful or destructive forces that meddle with humanity. I believe they would be a high creature, humans unable to sense them since we don’t have the body parts available to “see” them. There would likely be multiple higher beings, but it is possible one is in charge of earth, to look over us. Though, no miracle granting or listening in, since they probably aren’t on the same timeline we are, or an entire generation to us is a second to them. The afterlife is tricky, which is why I’m so terrified to die, so I won’t go into it. But, long story short, yes. I do believe in a sort of “God.” What they mean to earth, what they want with us, I don’t know. But I do believe something created the universe, and watches over the various planets. Also, I believe that other planets have life, and that aliens may or may not have visited earth, but if they did, we might not have known, since, like with “God,” we don’t have the appendages or body parts available to “see” them. I mean, if we didn’t have eyes or ears, we’d never know what we were missing. Who knows what we can’t “see” because we don’t have the right parts?

21. is there a song you can’t handle listening to, even though you like it? Ehh…. Nothing, really. But, there was a P!nk song I had to turn off halfway through. Not because I hated it, but because it reminded me of my family too much it hurt. I didn’t really like the song, but it was okay. I think it was called Family Portrait? Update, I looked it up, and yes, it is called Family Portrait, by P!nk. It’s not completely similar to my family, but it’s close enough that it just… hurt.

22. what ex do you miss the most, if you have one? If you never date, you can never have an ex you miss the most. *Insert guy tapping his forehead meme here*

23. do you like soft, fluffy blankets or rough/smooth blankets? Soft ones. Who… who likes rough blankets??? What??? I mean, I prefer smoother ones, I guess, to super fluffy. But rough? Really??

24. what is your favorite thing to learn about? Psychology!!! I love it!

25. what country’s history do you find the most interesting? Um… I don’t really like history. I’m taking a history class, though, and I liked Islam’s history. No one country, but the history of the Middle East and Islam.

26. what do you think about genderbent ____ (insert someone here) I think this is one where you had to send in a question for. So, feel free to ask me about any genderbend you like, but warning: I tend not to like genderbent characters. I just think it’s weird, and pointless. Especially if you genderbend a character to make a gay ship straight. Like… dude. Or, vice versa, to make a straight ship gay. It’s just… unnecessary. Make new characters or find a different ship.

27. what breakup was the hardest, if you had one? *insert answer from question 22, but exchange “Ex you miss the most” for “hardest breakup”

28. do you have someone where you can’t decide if you like them romantically or just as a friend? Not really. Going back to question 11, I don’t spend enough time around people to really know. But, as I have weird understandings of friendship and love, as well as a deep loneliness that makes me emotionally invested in anyone who is even slightly a friend, this sort of happens all the time. I just want to be less lonely, usually. I’m just… bad at people. I tend not to like them, and they bore me, yet I long to be around people and have friends. So. Lots of contradictions.

29. what do you think about Tumblr discourse? Eh. I think most of it is stupid. Just… chill. The world sucks, it’s best just to do things you enjoy, don’t sweat the small stuff. Even the big stuff. If there’s nothing you can do, just… move on. Live with it, and live your life. Don’t yell at random people, even If they’re “terrible.” Nothing is black and white, and as soon as you start attacking others because of your opinion, you’re becoming a person in the wrong, even if your view is virtuous. No one is right. No one is wrong. It’s just a matter of opinion. Now, does that mean you shouldn’t argue your point? No! Your view is valid and if it matters to you, express it. But don’t hate on another because of it. Or else you lose your virtue, your moral “righteousness.” Sorry, this went in a wrong direction. But… yeah.

30. what instrument do you wish you could master? Piano, guitar, and violin. Piano the most, though.

31. how easy is it for you to be honest? Pretty easy? I tend to be honest, most often, because I don’t really see why not. But it’s also easy to tell white lies or to omit truths, if it makes my life easier. So. Eh.

32. do you have any strange interests? Nothing I can really think of? Nothing that other people aren’t interested in. I like collecting coins, but so do many others.

33. do you have any strange fears? Ehh… I’m a bit afraid of animals, but it’s mostly because I’m afraid of them hurting me, which isn’t really strange?? So… again, not really? Most of my fears are common. Maybe my fear of holes? Like, on the skin? But people have that fear, too. And it’s less a fear and more of a disgust.

34. what food do you binge on when you’re lazy? Anything I can, really. I tend not to get super hungry, so I only eat when I’m bored or “lazy”, or when I know people should eat. Also, I dislike calling it lazy, since I think that’s a negative word for a more complicated feeling. For me, at least.

35. when you get angry, how do you show it? I tend to go quiet and seethe. I don’t usually yell, though I will if the other person (my dad usually) is yelling. I prefer leaving the room, though, or else getting all “righteous”. Like, righteous fury, though I’m not always righteous when I get angry.

36. do you have any impulsive movements? (twitches, ticks, flapping, etc.) Dude, yes. I tend to crack my knuckles/twist my hands impulsively/nervously. I also tap/rub my thumb against my fingers, or move my foot. Mostly when I’m “hyper,” or possibly manic. Otherwise, when I’m more down, it’s just the cracking knuckles thing.

37. what do you listen to music on? iPod/Phone, and my computer. I tend not to listen to radio. Sometimes I’ll listen to new music on YouTube, but it’s mostly iTunes/the iPod/phone music app.

38. are you left brained or right brained? Well, we all have both right and left brains, so I am both. Since no one side of the brain can be really more dominant. Unless part of your brain is dead, like my mother’s, who is more right brained, since parts of her left brain died when she was born. But, since I understand what this question is asking, I am, really, both. I’m creative and logical. Shocker.

39. earbuds or headphones? Oh, headphones, every time. I HATE earbuds. They always fall out of my ears. I mean I’ll take them if I have nothing else, but I hate them.

40. do you like light blankets or heavy blankets? Eh…. I tend to have heavy blankets, even though it’s hot where I am, and I need a fan to keep me cool. So. Yeah.

[sending-the-message]

You complete me by blankdreamer

My earliest and best friend from childhood, Mark, was the complete opposite of me. I think that’s why we got on so well. He was incredibly smart and an utter book worm. I would drag him outside to play and explore the world and he would tell me why trees grew the shape they did or describe the entomology of the bugs we caught. We swore when little even if we split up later in life we would write letters to each other regularly. I know letter writing is old fashioned but a childhood pact is a childhood pact. Even though Mark worked around the world as a high-energy particle physicist, we have (by and large) written to each other once a month consistently. However Marks letters have taken a strange turn recently that has me concerned and I wanted to see what others thought:

23 January 2017

Happy New Year Buttface! I’m concerned for you Hazza. Can’t believe you fell for one of those icky girls. Yuck. Brooke sounds like a great girl for you. Don’t screw this one up you schmuck. I shouldn’t tell you this as its classified but I am BURSTING! We’ve have a major breakthrough at Cern in our search for the Higgs-Boson particle with the Large Hadron Collider – you know the one the media call the "God Particle" (eye roll) because it adds mass to matter. We think we found the damn thing! It will be months before we can release any confirmation or data publicly so for gods sake (heh heh) keep it under you hat Harold or I’ll give you an atomic wedgey next time I see you. Write soon Hazman.

25 February 2017

Loved your last letter my friend. That Brooke is sticking around hey. Good for you dork. Our research on the Higgs-Boson is not as straight forward as we thought. It’s providing some strange data that doesn’t fit our model. But that is science for you – our models are always only temporary as we dig deeper into reality. I find myself getting frustrated and grumpy which is really unlike me. Anyway take care you slob and let me know how your work is going.

19 March 2017

Things sound like they are going great for you H. I’m jealous. Can’t remember the last time I had a girl. Makes me a bit angry when I think of how stuck up the women here are. There is a lot of tension at the facility at the moment. We think the particle we discovered is not the Higgs-Boson now. It’s way too different. We are all working at fever pitch on it. We come in on our days off and some even sleep in the lab. We are all suddenly possessed with a craving to discover what this damned particle is.

5 May 2017

H-man – I actually got into fist fight the other day. Yes me! Me! One of my colleagues, Watson, was trash talking my hypothesis on the particle (he says he was just critiquing it with a colleague) and I confronted him. Things got heated he pointed his finger at me, I pushed him lightly, he pushed me back and then I DECKED HIM. Seriously. One punch and the little wuss went down. I still can’t believe I did it. After speaking with HR they put it down to overwork and stress and have strongly recommended a month’s leave. But I spoke to my manager and we both agreed I needed to keep working as we feel we are right on the verge of a breakthrough with this particle. And you know something? I’m kind of proud of what I did. I freaking enjoyed smacking down that fuckwit Watson with the hot wife and nice suit. Even though my hand hurts the feeling of pain and humiliation I inflicted on him felt damn good. I might try and chat up his hottie of a wife next time she’s in. I’m sure she gave me a come-on look the other day.

18 July 2017

Sorry I haven’t written for a while Harold but we’ve had a HUGE BREAKTHROUGH! You know how I’ve told you that there is both matter and anti-matter in the universe? How every particle has an opposite? Well we think – only think at this stage mind you – that what we discovered is actually the anti-particle for the Higgs-Boson. We nick-named it the “Devil Particle”. Yes, not in the slightest bit witty but hey we are scientists – what do you expect? You should have seen the meeting where we tried to award credit to who discovered it. 20 scientists all wrestling and punching each other in the conference room like a WWE royal rumble. You think I’m exaggerating but I’m not. It was insane. I’ve got a black eye and bruised knuckles on both hands. When we got our sanity back we all agreed not to make any complaints to HR or the police so we can keep our work going. Ps I fucked Watsons wife. She was well up for it the little slut.

6 September 2017

I’ve just come from the police station Harold. My colleague Watson was found dead. He was found hanged in his home. The police presume suicide but wanted to talk to all his colleagues. I won’t pretend I have much sympathy for him. I hated him. A strange thing I’ve found Harold. It’s amazing what strength you have when you really hate someone. Hate is kind of thrilling. Its lets you take care of problems quickly and easily without the worry of “morals” or “ethics”. Write soon if you wish.

27 November 2017

Dark Matter. Dark Energy. You won’t know much about this being quite stupid yourself Harold. This anti-particle we found is powerful. More powerful than anyone dared dreamed of. Unlimited energy, unlimited power. I am sure it is what makes up the 70% of unknown matter and energy in universe. Darkness is what the universe is made of Harold. And hence so are we. Darkness is the truth. The pitiful sparks of stars in the sky are immensely outweighed by the darkness between them. I have become as cold and as empty as the space between the stars. It is what tears things down and destroys that has the true power. Something is growing inside me, taking me over, and changing my atoms. I feel a huge sense of destiny. I have a strange rash on my forehead. I swear I can see a 6 in it.

25 December 2017

It is very late Harold. I have the laboratory to myself. I am going to go into the particle collider and turn it on. This should kill me and in a way it will. My body shall be crucified on this technological cross. But I have faith I shall be reborn. My particles become anti-particles. My true self shall emerge. Merry Anti-Christmas Harold.

NEWSPAPER REPORT dated 2 January 2018

Massacre at Cern Laboratories, Switzerland

18 Scientists were found massacred yesterday at Cern Laboratories in Geneva Switzerland. Cern is the European research organization that operates the largest particle physics laboratory in the world including the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). The area is sealed off as police investigate. A cleaner who discovered the bodies spoke to our reporter. She claims that the scientist’s bodies were torn apart and disemboweled. Some bodies were pinned to the wall with steel shafts. There were strange phrases in an unknown language written in blood on the walls.

28 January 2018 [This letter is written in a dark substance]

It is now the year prophesied. The Beast has risen from the earth. I am the destroyer. I shall summon a dark age for mankind. Pathetic human laws will have no place. Blood, sacrifice, pain and torment shall be the rulers of this world.

I remember you told me when we first became friends Harold that we would do amazing things together. I was the smartest kid in the world you said, but I needed you to take action in the world and change it. You didn’t say whether it would change for the better or worse. As kids, what first attracted me to you Harold was your goodness. You were kind, you would stick up for kids against bullies and try to help people when you could. And you know what they say. Opposites attract. Join me my old friend, and let us rule together. Don’t bother writing. I shall see you soon.

Little children, it is the last hour: and as you have heard that Antichrist cometh, even now there are become many Antichrists: whereby we know that it is the last hour. — 1 John 2:18

#reddit #nosleep #scary #story

[ramberambleramble]

Things I don’t like about myself

I always say I hate attention but I love it.I like to joke about the tragedies in my life.I love it when people feel sorry for me. I love to talk about my problems with other people.  I think by laughing at my pain that others will see me as strong and I’ll get more pity from them. I love pity. I love to be pitied. I tell all my friends the stories of my grandparents dying, my pets getting killed or my family breaking apart, and I don’t want them to forget it so I turn it all into jokes, maybe jokes that they want to hear again. I want my problems to ring in the ears of other people, so they might ask me to tell them again.

“Hey man tell us how your pets died again”

“Ha ha sure thing. It all started with this chihuahua I had way back......”

And there I go for another hour, telling the tales of my losses.

People think I’m funny. I’m not funny, and I don’t care how many people tell me I am.I am not funny. I’m just a leech, I’ve never came up with anything original in my life. I’m incapable of doing so. I can’t create something new I can only take bits and pieces from others and mash them together. It’s disgusting. No I’m not someone you should laugh at. What did the audience ever even hear from me, oh a wacky sound, oh a controversial political opinion in a funny accent. Fuck me. I make myself sick. All I am is a leech, no, less than a leech, I’m just a copy, a mimic. Even a leech has ability all it’s own. Not me. I have no talents, no gifts, and no drive or willpower to develop one. I’m just a lump, a pile of unmolded clay drying in it’s container. I squander my own potential an then have the gall to blog about it like some dramatic little bitch.  Oh how original, airing your problems on tumblr for all the world to see, hoping someone sees it and offers help. What am I even doing. I’m losing steam. I was angry at myself but now I’m just feeling sadness. Just overwhelming sadness. If i wasnt typing right now I’d just be sitting here, in my room doing nothing. Just nothing. I’d just sit in my chair and I’d stare, to sad or unmotivated to sleep, or eat, or do anything fun. I’d just sit here and star and stare and stare.

Found a new sore spot for myself.

I have stories you know, like original stories, and I know that contradicts what I typed above but that was a different me, a different emotion. No i have a story in my mind and I love it. It a sci-fi tale that I’ve been thinking about for the last 6 years at least. I’ve tried so many times to write it down but there’s something wrong with me. I just can’t do it. Whenever I go to write I just lose it, it vanishes from my mind. All gone. That not true, what actually happens is a number of things. I’ll go to write it and suddenly this cool idea just seems so dumb. All my drawings and stories get erased and torn up because after I write or draw something I hate it. i hate everything I make. I hate it all so much it never comes out right. The dialogue is clunky, the plot makes no sense, I an’t figure out what I want to happen.l can’t picture anything in my mind. All i see is black. I don’t even have dreams when I go to sleep. I can’t remember anything, names faces, conversations. I always have this god damn headache. Every single night without fail I just get so sad. i can usually stave it off by talking to a friend over the internet though. It feels so good you know, to hear the voice of someone who understands you. I have a friend who understands me, and they know more about me than anyone else on earth. Not my family, certainly not my parents, my friends knows the real me. The me that I hate. The messed up me. The perverse me who prides himself by how neatly organised his depraved porn collection is, the disgusting me who masturbates to drawings. The pathetic me who is so afraid every body that he’s never had date or even tried to get one.

I am lonely on purpose. I do it to myself because I’m scared.So scared of people. I have friends yeah, but I always feel like some needy puppy when I'm around them. i feel like they dont really like me, even the friend who I said knows everything about me. I feel like I’m a bother to everyone, but that’s just friendships, its worse for love. I’m 19, still young, but I’ve never been on a date, and what’s worse is I’ve never tried to get one. I just don’t know how. how do you just talk to someone you’ve never met before, how do you initiate friendship, how do you initiate romance. I’ve never made friends with people, I always wait for people to make friends with me. I have no idea how to talk to a new person. how do you just walk up someone and talk to them without being creepy. Do compliment them on their clothes? will they think that i was staring at them? Do I try to join in their conversation? Wont that make them think I was eavesdropping? how the fuck do you talk to people? How god damn it? I don’t think I’ve ever started a conversation in my life.

I’m not one for self diagnosis but something is wrong with me. I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I Can’t go to anyone with this. They’ll think I’m loony, they’ll put me on watch lists. They’ll think I’m dangerous. i’m not dangerous, I’m just sad. I ruined my chances though of getting help. Let me tell you about that.

This is my absolute greatest pain in life. My parents splitting up, my grandparents dying, all my animals getting killed. None of that matters, if I could stop any of that from happening, I wouldn’t, instead I’d stop what I’m about to tell you from happening. I was going through my mothers box of memories from when my brothers and I were much younger. I found a note from my first grade teacher in a folder about how much she enjoyed having me in class all those years ago. So i thought it would be really cool if I found my teacher on Facebook and sent her the note and caught up with her. I’m very sentimental, I get sad throwing away old pen, so I thought this would be a fantastic way to connect back with someone from my past. but GOD FUCKING DAMNIT DID I FUCK UP. I sent her the note and told her who I was. She was thrilled to get my message and we chatted back and forth for a couple of days and all was good. however, there were a couple of outlying problems, a few confounding variables, you see, sometimes meanings get lost through faceless text conversations. So when I told her “I had a bad memory” Instead of me not being able to remember anything, it was taken as me being a troubled child with a memory of a bad event. Maybe you can see where this is going. Oh but that’s not the worst part by any means at all. When I tell you this next thing your going to think I’m the dumbest piece of shit to ever walk the planet. you're going to wonder how I even survive. Holy shit its so bad. Ok, I have a poor memory, I can’t remember a dang thang. What I failed to mention, and I know you don’t like this word, is that I am FUCKING RETARDED. I wanted this teacher to supply me with something to help me jog my memory of this school hadn’t gone to in over 10 years. So in my infinite fucking wisdom, I asked her to take a picture of a map of the school and send it to me. So if  I told you that a possibly troubled kid just randomly sent a messaged out of the blue asking for a a teacher for map to a school he hasn't been to in over 10 years, what do you think that means? Well, to people unlike myself, who have normal functioning brains, that sounds like a guy who want to come and shoot up an elementary school.So I got some calls from some police departments, got some calls from my family, left work, cried a bunch, beat myself up and stopped using Facebook. The greatest pain I’ve ever experienced in my life was, and is, the pain of knowing that my idiocy, and my bumbling, caused people out there to feel unsafe. It hurts so bad knowing that my stupidity killed the peace of mind of others. I’m so sorry. I have a fear now, you know? i’m paranoid, I think It’ll happen again. i’ll open my mouth and hurt somebody. So ever since then, I don’t talk to people as much. I go to work, don’t speak unless spoken to. Go to class, don’t speak unless spoken to. Visit family, don’t speak unless spoken to.

I’m not having a good time, but, I don’t know. Could be worse.

now I’m going to put some tags on this wall of text because I want people to read this.

#self #self help #help #writing #wall of text

[johnlockismyreligion]

EUROVISION 2017

This is my personal ranking of all the entries of the competition. Mind that this is just my opinion, based on my personal music taste and the fun level of the song, because I think that at Eurovision having fun is important, so all the boring ballads won’t be in my top ten, sorry.

It’s not even a ranking about “who I think will win the competition”, but rather of my favourite songs (Clearly, I don’t think that Cyprus has chances to win, but I like the song).

Where available, I put a link to the live version of the song as, you know, they’ll sing live in Kiev, and this is quite different from the recorded version of the song. Some singers are good on record, but haven’t a voice powerful enough to impress on stage.

Under a cut, ‘cause this post is very long and I don’t think you want my musical rant on your dash.

I wanted to be fair, so I didn’t included my Country, Italy, in the ranking, but honestly I think we have a good chance this year, even if the cut version is worst than the original one (Francesco’ song is 3’38’’ long, and the limit for Eurovision is 3’). Besides, I’m really proud that Francesco will sing in Italian in a sea of English songs… C’mon people, shouldn’t it be a festival to celebrate diversity? So why are y’all singing in English?

42) Lithuania - Fusedmarc, Rain Of Revolution Ugh. I tried to listen to this song. I swear I tried, but to me it’s the biggest nope of the year. Her voice is quite weak, too.

41) Malta - Claudia Faniello, Breathlessly I don’t listen to this often, ‘cause I risk to fall asleep on the desk.

40) Spain - Manel Navarro, Do it for your lover I tried to count how many times he says “do it for your lover”, but I lost my mind after ten: it’s so repetitive that it becomes obsessive. Besides, it sounds “old” to me and not in a nice way: it would have been good if heard from a juke box on the beach in 1986.

39) Slovenia - Omar Naber, On My Way Ugh, ballads. Ballads are boring.

38) Armenia - Artsvik, Fly with me I’ve listened to this song several times, but I can’t keep it in mind and memorize the melody or the lyrics. Nothing special.

37) Russia - Julia Samoilova, Flame is burning I suspect that Russia aims to self-boycott, because this song is similar to other 1k ones and leaves you the impression you’ve already listened it somewhere. Even if she has a beautiful voice, here it’s totally wasted.

36) Ireland - Brendan Murray, Dying to try I’m dying to not hear any more ballads.

35) Georgia - Tamara Gachechiladze, Keep The Faith Another great voice wasted on a plaintive ballad. Pity.

34) Australia - Isaiah, Don't Come Easy Another romantic ballad. Dull.

33) Germany - Levina, Perfect Life The first time I pressed play, I thought that I’ve selected by mistake Titanium by SIA. To me half of this song is a plagiarism (but feel free to disagree), and I don’t like the half that isn’t.

32) Serbia - Tijana Bogićević, In Too Deep Forgettable. Not bad, but not good either.

31) Austria - Nathan Trent, Running On Air It seems the song of a boy band from the ‘90s. Not a bad song, but I’ve never loved too much boy bands.

30) Bulgaria - Kristian Kostov, Beautiful Mess Did I mention that I don’t like ballads?

29) The Netherlands - OG3NE, Lights and Shadows Average pop song. Nice, but not my cup of tea, sorry.

28) Czech Republic - Martina Bárta, My Turn When I saw that she’s a jazz singer, I was excited: she has a terrific voice and jazz is wonderful, I was dying for a touch of jazz at Eurovision… instead she chose a ballad. Not a bad song, but why? Disappointing.

27) Iceland - Svala, Paper Indifferent, nothing special.

26) Denmark - Anja, Where I Am Generally it’s an appreciated song, but it doesn’t speak to me.

25) United Kingdom - Lucie Jones, Never Give Up On You When I first heard the song, I thought she was singing a cappella, as the musical accompaniment was non existent. The new version revamped the song a bit, but I still think that music is weak. Nope.

24) San Marino - Valentina Monetta & Jimmie Wilson, Spirit Of The Night A song that leaves me indifferent even if many people are loving it. I don’t wanna say it’s a plagiarism, but sure it remembers me of some other similar dance songs of the past.

23) Albania - Lindita, Botë I quite like the Albanian version, the song has something epic in it, but she will sing in English, so she lost many point in my ranking.

22) Croatia - Jacques Houdek, My Friend Another song that leaves me puzzled. I love a lot the part where he sings opera (god, what a voice), but I don’t think it blends perfectly with the other vocals. I still hope to see him in the final.

21) Israel - Imri Ziv, I Feel Alive I was expecting something better from him, but the refrain has a good beat.

20) Sweden - Robin Bengtsson, I Can't Go I don’t understand why people go crazy on this song. Nice, but it has nothing special to me.

19) Finland - Norma John, Blackbird This song would be good in the soundtrack of a fantasy movie. But is it Eurovision winning material? I fear it isn’t. Perfect to listen if you want to relax, tho.

18) Poland - Kasia Moś, Flashlight The only ballad I really like, it has a dark touch (especially in the verses, less in the refrain) and she has beautiful voice. Good luck Poland!

17) Norway - JOWST, Grab The Moment Interesting. Not in my top ten, but surely a nice, good song with a personal touch. Better than Sweden, to me.

16) Greece - Demy, This is Love This song is clearly a clever points catcher, with a tad of ‘90s eurodance touch. Smart move, but after some listening, it loses appeal.

15) Latvia - Triana Park, Line Talking about dance/pop/electropop/whatever-you-call-it songs, I think that there are better competitors this year, but I love their psychedelic, energetic staging.

14) Hungary - Joci Pápai, Origo I hope he will sing in Hungarian, because I fear that an English version would be a disaster, as melody and words are closely linked, here. If you’re searching for something different, listen to this song: it’s captivating, with almost a Middle East touch.

13) Belarus - Naviband, Historyja majho zyccia This is one of the first song I heard this year and I still find it great, it makes me smile and the tune is original. I really hope they’ll keep it in their native language.

12) Estonia - Koit Toome and Laura, Verona A ‘90-ish and classic song. It has a catchy tune, they’re a well-matched pair on stage, so I’m sure it will do great.

11) F.Y.R. Macedonia - Jana Burčeska, Dance Alone Not bad, not bad, a good dance song with a pretty cool refrain, a song that grows on you.

10) Ukraine - O.Torvald, Time Another very underrated song from my point of view: okay, they aren’t Muse or something, but this is the only rock entry of the competition, ffs! And their staging and makeup is cool, I want to see it again.

9) Romania - Ilinca ft. Alex Florea, Yodel It! A rap yodel. No, seriously, it is. And it’s funny af. Plus, her shrill vocals are impressive.

8) Portugal - Salvador Sobral - Amar Pelos Dois Aw, my little snowflake! This song generally received bad comments and a low position in many rankings, and I can’t understand why: it has a retro touch that distinguishes it from all other entries. Plus, he’s singing in his native language. If Finland song would be great in the OST of a fantasy movie, this one should be the main track of a nice romantic movie.

7) Azerbaijan - DiHaj, Skeletons Talking about dance music, to me this is the best entry of Eurovision, with a cool mystery/dark atmosphere. It has a great beat.

6) Moldova - Sunstroke Project, Hey Mamma I effin love this song: it’s bright, happy, makes your body move. And, hey, Epic Sax Guy is back!

5) Montenegro - Slavko Kalezić, Space At first, it didn’t seem too good to me, but it gradually grew on me. I love the lyrics, I love that it’s gay af, and I believe that Slavko will surprise Europe with a sumptuous staging. As I said, to me Eurovision means also having fun, so of course he’s one of my favourite.

4) Belgium - Blanche, City Lights At first I would say that this kind of song is not in my comfort zone, but the tune is mesmerizing and she has a particular voice that catches attention. I’m sure it will do very well in the grand final, but it need a great staging, too.

3) Switzerland - Timebelle, Apollo One of the first songs that I have heard and which has remained in my heart all the time. The lyrics don’t make much sense to me, but the melody is beautiful and she has a great voice.

2) France - Alma, Requiem I don’t agree with her choice to sing the refrain in English, to me she ruined a perfect song. It’s still winning material because the song is very beautiful, but the all French version is better.

1) Cyprus - Hovig, Gravity This song had me from the first hearing: fresh, catchy, with a good rhythm, and Hovig has a powerful voice. Absolutely my favourite, even if I don’t think it’ll win. I hope he’ll valorize it with a good staging.

#Esc2017 #Eurovision ranking #Eurovision top songs #Eurovision #Kyiv 2017

[malloryspence-blog]

Whispers on Joy

Well guys, I have a confession to make. I have been letting myself fall into self-pity instead of choosing to be joyful. There. I said it. Now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you what I am learning.

I am 25 years old, so I’m not old or wise yet, but I have been through my share of distress and sadness. Yet, I have always been okay. I have been able to trust God through tears and hard times and frustration. But I have been struggling lately to find joy in each day. Some days I have it, and I’m light and free. Other days, I let myself crawl into the pit of self-pity and tremble in fear of what’s going to happen with my life and how I am going to take care of myself.

I still don’t have a job. I know. You’re thinking, “Mallory, it’s been a week since you last talked about this. What did you expect would happen?!” I know!!! I know. I am just struggling because I really want to be able to provide for myself and help my future husband so we can grow in new life together. 

Last night, God hit me with the truth that I already know, but I desperately needed to hear. Let’s just say I’m more than a couple days behind on reading Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. (This book is so good. I’ve read it year after year. Check it out!) Sooo I open up my book to the October 5 entry, and what does the first line say? “Remember that joy is not dependent on your circumstances.” Guys, I just had to LOL at that statement. God has a sense of humor for sure! 

Immediately I started reflecting on all of my emotions from the past couple of days. The fear I let myself feel and the stress that I allowed to fill my body had taken over and stolen my joy. But joy is mine to take back, so that’s what I am doing today. Today, I am fighting against the fear and the stress of my life, and I am trusting God to help me. I am allowing myself to put problem solving on the back burner and instead focus on living closely with God. It feels GOOD.

I don’t know what you are going through, but I hope you haven’t let yourself fall into the pit of self pity like me. If you have though, you can get out! Let’s work towards choosing joy together.

“Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.” - Habakkuk 3:17-19  

XOXO,

Mallory

[tripping-on-assid]

111417

553pm

So I made an effort into wanting to post today, mainly because I had a lot on my mind. There is a sort of effort that goes into this that makes starting this a huge pain in the ass. Sort of like school, but more leisure-oriented. First of all, I skipped my pre-calc class today. Which I have been doing more often now towards the latter end of this year. I don’t know, the past week has been a “wallow in self pity” type of fest for me. I just know I don’t need that class anymore for my major that I switched so why care? That is a horrible mindset because that just throws a ton of money down the fucking drain. But hopefully I can makeup my fuck ups by my past dual enrollment credits and I don’t know. I don’t know. Right now I would probably be high. Which is what I really want to talk to you guys about today. Even if I only have one fucking follower, I still don’t care, it’s more of a diary than anything else. My dealer texted me about two days ago saying he had some “sour diesel” and I’m just like “yeah sure fuck it”, I’ve been wanting to text him for a few days now to hook me up with a prerolled blunt but I didn’t want to intrude on him too much since I bought a quarter off of him a little over a week ago. But, soon enough, I gave in, and two days ago I asked him for the blunt. Well, there’s just something about smoking now that makes me very uneasy. I don’t feel good where I am in life right now. I just don’t. I feel like it’s a variety of factors but the main one HAS to be smoking. It has sucked my motivation dry to do schoolwork. And that is upsetting coming from a Cum Laude High School honors student. College doesn’t really matter to me. It never has. I was never given an emphasis on applying for scholarships, I never went to go visit a college to see what it’s like to live the University life, I’m stuck in a time in my life where I don’t give a fuck about school because I was really never given the emphasis on how glorious it may be. Throughout all my years trudging through highschool, I just want schooling to be over. So bad. But I know with time, I will get AT LEAST my associates and then be able to live a more independent life. 

You see? I’m 19 years old. I want to live that life already, I know it sounds naive and really immature but I just want to fucking move on with life already. 

And I feel like this immature feeling is just coming from the perspective that 2017 was not my year. Not in the least bit. It has been nothing but a downwards spiral in so many aspects of my life. Socially, academically, with my job (kinda sorta), it’s rough, you know? I think the major factor of it is because I REALLLLY like the way pot makes my mind feel. I like the thoughts I have. Everything else sucks though, my physical health has deterred a lot because of it I bet. 

That’s why I want to start a new phase in my life soon, where I just don’t smoke. Back in the olden times where I actually invest my time into something that matters. Something I enjoy doing. Something that makes an impact in society, in life, rather than just mope around and smoke pot. It’s humiliating to a certain extent, and there needs to be an end to that. 

You see, the past year has been good to me (which is contradictory from my last statement I realize), in the sense of learning about the world, learning about life, coming to terms to things about a lot of stuff. I have dove into spiritual depths I never imagined. I organized life. How the world works. Oh my god I just feel like I have come to terms with so much. I’ve discovered so much, but the question is, do I regret it? These are vital times in my life. By having these experiences I actually had to give up quite a bit of success, instead of being “magna cum laude” I got an F in the last quarter of a class of mine that brought me down to only “cum laude”. Shit that could have easily been avoided if I were to just do my homework. I failed a college class while in dual enrollment (thank god it was my last semester being a senior or else I would have been kicked out) because I forgot the due date of our final and then only about three days later I logged into my college account to realize I forgot the final, and I just shrugged it off. I didn’t email the professor, nothing, I just took the L which could have not have been the case. I know I’m more than likely going to fail precalc, I withdrew from my financial accounting class, no longer a business major...this is the purest form of fucking up your year academically, and I could give less of a fuck about what my GPA is. This is me going off the deep end. This is me ruining my life.

Not only academically has it been hard but socially it’s been hard too. Honestly, I know I have a great girlfriend. I love Journey a lot. Why? Because she has been a role model of who I’ve been wanting to be like for yearrssss. She’s self-driven to get what she wants. She’s motivated. She’s cute, sweet, funny, oh my god there’s so much I adore about her. But with all the investment of her I’m missing out on a ton of personalities. Which is one thing you got to sacrifice when you’re in a relationship. But it’s not just that. It’s my best friends. I lost them too. I lost Emily and Torin. Emily because I was irrational and unfollowed her and eventually blocked her because of drama caused between me and HER bestfriend. And Torin because, well, drugs. Torin has been my friend for about three years now, and considering I don’t really maintain people long in my life, that’s pretty long for me. Emily was my friend for about a year and a half. And you know, I could ask for them back, I could tell Emily I’m sorry and that I miss her and she’ll probably understand if I tell her the whole story about how I felt but, I know it’ll never be the same. And Torin? I know I could probably just get more invested back into video games and we’d be closer but he’s got his own crowd that he fucks with now.

It’s an odd time in my life. For sure. But I want to change it because weed has been nothing but self deprecating the past few weeks and I don’t want to feel that. I want to be more fit. I want to be more energetic. I want to take tasks face on and not procrastinate as much. I want to feel happy and content with life without the use of drugs. And I can do that, I’ve done it before. it’s just rought transitioning you know? Outside from a certain mindset or state of being. It’s tough, but I bet I can make it to where I don’t smoke as normally as I do, that I can be more physically active, I just don’t know where to begin with most of that stuff. It seems so challenging but I know it’s just the mindset of how to begin it. 

[a-r-i-a-n-i-s-h-e-r-e-blog]

MILLER: That's all I've got to say.

JONES: What comes now folks? What comes now?

MAN 3: Everybody hold it. Sit down.

]ONES: Say. Say. Say peace. Say Peace. Say Peace. Say Peace. What's come. Don't let--Take Dwyer on down to the east house. Take Dwyer.18

WOMAN 4: Everybody be quiet, please.

]ONES: (Inaudible) ... got some respect for our lives.

MCELVANE: That means sit down, sit down. Sit down.

JONES: They know. (Groan.) I tried so very, very hard.19 They're trying over here to see what's going to happen (inaudible). Who is it? (Voices)

Get Dwyer out of here before something happens to him.* Dwyer. I'm not talking about Ujara. I said Dwyer. Ain't nobody gonna take Ujara. I'm not lettin' em take Ujara. It's easy, it's easy... (Inaudible.)

Yes, my love.

*What raises questions about the authenticity of the audiotape is that U.S. Embassy official Richard Dwyer was wounded at the Port Kaituma airstrip while the suicides were in progress.

WOMAN 5: At one time, I felt just like Christine herself. But after today I don't feel anything because the biggest majority of people that left here today for a fight, and I know it really hurt my heart because--

JONES: Broke your heart, didn't it?

WOMAN 5: Broke my heart completely. All of this year the white people had been with us, and they're not a part of us. So we might as well end it now because I don't see ...

JONES: It's all over. The congressman has been murdered. (Music and singing.) Well, it's all over, all over. What a legacy, what a legacy. What the Red Brigade doin' that once ever made any sense anyway? They invaded our privacy. They came into our home. They followed us six thousand miles away. Red Brigade showed them justice. The congressman's dead. (Music only.)

Please get us some medication. It's simple. It's simple. There's no convulsions with it. It's just simple. Just, please get it. Before it's too late. The GDF20 will be here, I tell you. Get movin', get movin', get movin'.

WOMAN 6: Now. Do it now!

JONES: Don't be afraid to die. You'll see, there'll be a few people land out here. They'll torture some of our children here. They'll torture our people. They'll torture our seniors. We cannot have this.

Are you going to separate yourself from whoever shot the congressman? I don't know who shot him.

voices: No. No. No.

(Music.)

JONES: Let's make our peace. And those who had a right to go, and they had a right to--How many are dead? Aw, God Almighty, God. Huh? Patty Parks is dead?

WOMAN 7: Some of the others who endure long enough in a safe place could write about the goodness of Jim Jones.

JONES: I don't know how in the world they're ever going to write about us. It's just too late. It's too late. The congressman's dead. The congressman lays dead. Many of our traitors are dead. They're all layin' out there dead. (Inaudible.)

I didn't, but my people did. My people did. They're my people, and they've been provoked too much. They've been provoked too much. What's happened here's been since Tuesday's been an act of provocation.

WOMAN 8: What about Ted? If there's any way it's possible to, eh, have and to give Ted something to take then, I'm satisfied, okay?21

JONES: Okay.

WOMAN 8: I said, if there's anyway you can do before I have to give Ted something, so he won't have to let him go through okay, and I'm satisfied.

JONES: That's fine. Okay, yes. Yes. Yes.

WOMAN 9: Thank you for everything. You are the only. You are the only. And I appreciate you. (Applause.)

JONES: Please, can we hasten? Can we hasten with that medication? You don't know what you've done. I tried. (Applause, music, singing.)

They saw it happen and ran into the bush and dropped the machine guns. I never in my life.22 But not any more. But we've got to move. Are you gonna get that medication here? You've got to move. Marceline,23 about forty minutes.

JUDY IJAMES OR JOYCE TOUCHETTE:24 You have to move, and the people that are standing there in the aisles, go stand in the radio room yard.25 Everybody get behind the table and back this way, okay. There's nothing to worry about. Everybody keep calm and try and keep your children calm. And all those children that help, let the little children in and reassure them. They're not crying from pain. It's just a little bitter tasting. They're not crying out of any pain. Annie Miguel, can I please see you back ...

MCELVANE: ... Things I used to do before I came here. So let me tell you about it. It might make a lot of you feel a little more comfortable. Sit down and be quiet, please.

One of the things I used to do--I used to be a therapist. And the kind of therapy that I did had to do with reincarnations in past life situations. And every time anybody had the experience of going into a past life, I was fortunate enough through Father to be able to let them experience it all the way through their death, so to speak. And everybody was so happy when they made that step to the other side.

]ONES: (Inaudible.) It's the only way to step. That choice is not ours now. It's out of our hands. (Children crying in the background.)

MCELVANE: If we have a body that's been crippled, suddenly you have the kind of body that you want to have.

JONES: A little rest, a little rest.

MCELVANE: It feels good. It never felt so good. Now, may I tell you. You've never felt so good as how that feels.

JONES: And I do hope that (inaudible) will stay where they belong and don't come up here.

What is it? What is it? They what? Alright, it's hard but only at first-- only at first is it hard. Hard only at first. Living--you're looking at death and it looks--living is much, much more difficult. Raising up every morning and not knowing what's going to be the night's bringing. It's much more difficult. It's much more difficult. (Crying and talking.)

WOMAN 10: I just want to say something for everyone that I see that is standing around or crying. This is nothing to cry about. This is something we could all rejoice about. We could be happy about this. They always told us that we could cry when you're coming into this world. So we're leaving it, and we're leaving it peaceful. I think we should be happy about this. I was just thinking about Jim Jones. He just has suffered and suffered and suffered. We have the honor guard, and we don't even have a chance to ... (Inaudible.) I want to give him one more chance. (Inaudible.) That's few that's gone. There's many more here. (Inaudible.) That's not all of us. That's not all yet. That's just a few that have died. I tried to get to the one that--there's a kid (inaudible) I'm looking at so many people crying. I wish you would not cry. And just thank Father. (Inaudible.) ... (sustained applause.) I've been here about one year and nine months. And I never felt better in my life. Not in San Francisco. But until I came to Jonestown. I had a very good life. I had a beautiful life. I don't see nothing that I could be sorry about. We should be happy. At least I am. (Inaudible.) (Applause, music.)

WOMAN 11: ... Good to be alive today. I just like to thank Dad cause he was the only one that stood up for me when I needed him. And thank you, Dad.

WOMAN 12: I'm glad you're my brothers and sisters, and I'm glad to be here. Okay.

(Voices.)

JONES:26 Please. For God's sake, let's get on with it. We've lived--we've lived as no other people lived and loved. We've had as much of this world as you're gonna get. Let's just be done with it. Let's be done with the agony of it. (Applause.)

It's far, far harder to have to walk through every day, die slowly--and from the time you're a child 'til the time you get gray, you're dying.

Dishonest, and I'm sure that they'll--they'll pay for it. They'll pay for it. This is a revolutionary suicide. This is not a self destructive suicide. So they'll pay for this. They brought this upon us. And they'll pay for that. I leave that destiny to them.

(Voices.)

Who wants to go with their child has a right to go with their child. I think it's humane. I want to go--I want to see you go, though. They can take me and do what they want--whatever they want to do. I want to see you go. I don't want to see you go through this hell no more. No more. No more. No more.

We're trying. If everybody will relax. The best thing you do to relax, and you will have no problem. You'll have no problem with this thing if you just relax.

MAN 4: ... A great deal because it's Jim Jones. And the way the children are laying there now. I'd rather see them lay like that than to see them have to die like the Jews did, which was pitiful anyhow. And I just like to thank Dad for giving us life and also death. And I appreciate the fact of the way our children are going. Because, like Dad said, when they come in, what they're gonna do to our children--they're gonna massacre our children. And also the ones that they take capture, they're gonna just let them grow up and be dummies like they want them to be. And not grow up to be a person like the one and only Jim Jones. So I'd like to thank Dad for the opportunity for letting Jonestown be not what it could be, but what Jonestown is. Thank you, Dad. (Applause.)

JONES: It's not to be afeared. It is not to be feared. It is a friend. It's a friend ... sitting there, show your love for one another. Let's get gone. Let's get gone. Let's get gone. (Children crying.) We had nothing we could do. We can't--we can't separate ourselves from our own people. For twenty years laying in some old rotten nursing home. (Music.) Taking us through all these anguish years. They took us and put us in chains and that's nothing. This business--that business--there's no comparison to that, to this.

They've robbed us of our land, and they've taken us and driven us and we tried to find ourselves. We tried to find a new beginning. But it's too late. You can't separate yourself from your brother and your sister. No way I'm going to do it. I refuse. I don't know who fired the shot. I don't know who killed the congressman. But as far as I am concerned, I killed him. You understand what I'm saying? I killed him. He had no business coming. I told him not to come.

#JIM JONES

[character-aroma-project-blog]

Misplaced Priorities in Africa:  When the Extended Family is Placed Above the Nuclear Family!

One widely spread social ill in most African communities and especially with what I have recently observed  in Uganda and other parts of Africa, is that a married man could still be more committed to his grandfather, aunties, siblings and all more than to his children and wife. Why did this man get married in the first place?  Did he understand the principles and purpose of marriage?  Did he go for premarital counselling? Why should such ‘immature men’ who are still ‘boys’ in their mindset, be allowed to marry?

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” - Matthew 19:5, Genesis 2:24

A lot of destruction and heartache has been as a result of people jumping into marriage when they have no business going there in the first place.  Those who claim to be marriage-material state their reasons for marriage as:

“I am of age – all my mates are getting married so I should follow suit!”

“I have a good job and it is prestigious for someone like me to have the ‘married status”

“My mother is demanding for grandchildren”

“I want to show-off to my mates that I have a beautiful wife – it boosts my ego!”

“I need someone to cook for me”

And many more

Of late, I know a woman who was sent packing out of her marital home after over four decades of marriage because the husband together with his own relatives ganged up against her with all sorts of selfish accusations!  The grounds of this action was based on the fact that the wife wasn’t supportive in the way the relatives wanted to care for the terminally ill husband. On the part of the wife, professional doctors from overseas had warned against taking contrary medications that would further worsen the man’s health.

The man, craving for attention, believed the lie of his relatives that the wife wanted to kill him. The children had witnessed the way their mother cared for their father and so discarded this accusation. The man did not even inform his children about the decision he took to drive out their mother.  According to him, their opinion does not matter where as they are well-educated adults. He disgraced his wife in public without giving her the benefit of a doubt.  

I can imagine the pain the wife felt – betrayal after years of  commitment to the marriage to this man – raising his children, looking after the home, giving him company on occasions, looking after him when ill, etc. even though he frequently broke his marital vows up till date. And it is interesting to know that this woman raised all his children from the other women for him.  

One of the extended family member, the ‘engineer’ of the whole family conflict, left his pregnant wife and children in one district, to go and forcefully look after the man he calls ‘grandfather’, yet this patient already had a wife and children and all the help he needed.  Didn’t his own family need him more?

Is it fair therefore, to place one’s extended family above the nuclear family?

Here are some reasons why, in my opinion, such men are more committed to the extended family:

Being stuck in primitive cultural expectations whose foundation are not based on the truth. For example, families usually have one person as the bread-winner of the entire extended family.  This can also in way be a sense of pride on the side of the bread-winner.

Ignorance of what a marriage entails.  Yes, your family raised you and so are important, but once you get married, you start a new family – and this group of people MUST come first above all others. Most men actually never ‘leave’ their parents and therefore never ‘cleave’ to their wives to be one entity.

Lack of maturity; spiritual, emotional and psychological.  A 70-year old man can be regarded as a ‘boy’ while a 20-year old is seen as a man depending on their world view and values that govern their lives. The way we think determine the way we act.  How we have worked on ourselves over the years to develop godly character determines our maturity in the decisions we make.

In most cases, especially when the man is terminally ill, the extended family usually steps in including those who were never available from time immemorial, suddenly showing up and pushing the nuclear family aside to show the whole world that they are more important.  Well, I hope there are no ulterior motives behind all these especially where many assets are at stake.  Should such inheritance, according to the extended family, not remain with them instead of being left to widow?  Fights can break out because of this – even murder in the worst case scenario!

What is often forgotten is that the man’s wife and children pay the highest price and ought to be honoured for this.  The money that would have been diverted to give them the very best, had been diverted to look after the needs of the extended family for years.  They deserve a ‘thank you’.  And in the case of the man’s death, the nuclear family feels the deepest loss since they were actually closest to him.

Not having one’s priorities right.  I am  not saying that we should forget our relatives but that we need to put the extended family in the right place – this is what I consider to be the acceptable order: (1) God (2) Yourself (3) Your spouse (4) Your children (5) Others

The egomaniac nature of some men.  They often want to be popular, get the attention, be in control of a larger circle of people, saying: “If I helped you, then you owe me!”  This is the opposite of love – utter selfishness. So even the elites in society can remain stuck in primitive thinking of this nature because of the love for power.

Lack of wisdom.  A life without boundaries can lead to stress and frustrations in a home.  We as human beings have limits. If you have your own children, and looking after someone else as well, why won’t you be burnt-out most of the time.  And this rubs-off on the wife too.  Why can’t someone stop to ask, “Why am I the only one, out of about 100 people, the one who has to take on more and more responsibility? Why can’t others help?”

The prevailing dependency culture – this is major factor behind the backwardness of Africa. Primitive cultures that encourage laziness, self-pity and ‘they owe me because I belong to this family‘ - attitude, etc. all promote laziness and irresponsibility within the extended families.  May will never strive to be better, work harder and aim higher.  You find that members will then feel free to enjoy life – have as many sex-partners as they want, have as many children as they want and then just dump them on one bread-winner, while continuing on with their lifestyle.  This is inconsiderate! Why aren’t people speaking up against such behaviours? 

“Don’t allow the approval of others to obstruct your view of yourself.” – Bob Gass

I write this piece with a burden on my heart, calling out to all fathers - the pillars of every home to esteem your wives and children above all others, for you will give an account to God who entrusted you with them as a steward.  Treat them well - with patience, understanding, forgiveness and love so that you can give them a strong foundation to stand on their own even when you are no more - LET US LEARN TO GIVE THE NUCLEAR FAMILY THE HONOUR AND RIGHTFUL PLACE THAT IT DESERVES, let us put our priorities right! 

Mother Africa, you can change! Prove to the whole world that yes, indeed, we can!

Join the Train of Transformers Esther Kuganja Adedoyin (Mrs) Character Aroma Project

01/07/2017