#I honestly thought if I said yes that I wouldnt get to transition | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

somnilogical · 4 years

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like the evil people at cfar & affiliates have no philosophical leg to stand on and they know it. all they can do is violate their wistleblower policy, try and make a narrative where they see which transfem they can dismiss as crazy / rapist / brainwashed. trying tentative exploratory lies in each direction. then when challenged being like "ah no i didnt mean it like that!! i love trans women!" and then doing it again.

ive documented so many of them. a lot of the lies were calculated such that it would be mortifying to repeat them even to correct them. like elle benjamin saying emma thought torturing children was hot. thats a lie. or kelsey piper saying emma was indistinguishable from a rapist.

but the correct response at these tentative tries at defamation is to repost them in full and drive straight against the expectation that you wouldnt want to repeat these lies aimed to eliminate people who could disrupt the social order.

here's kelsey piper comparing emma to brent dill, saying they are indistinguishable from a rapist for talking about philosophy on the internet:

https://pastebin.com/tje4hN33

heres emmas parse of it:

<<actual lintamande quotes simplified:

glass said [they tried to do what a] person really endorsedly wanted [...] even if the person claimed they wanted something different

[they may have been seeking social] proof that we didn't really have an ethical injunction against it

and part of my main concern about glass, etc. is that their priors seem really really off to me?

so if they say they'll use their social priors to decide when it's appropriate to violate peoples' preferences, I am more scared than if someone whose social priors seem sensible to me says that

combination of two things. one is that, yes, people's "this person is manipulating me and coercing me" detectors ping, at glass in particular, and asking people to turn down their 'this person is manipulating me and coercing me' detectors is a big ask and not always good for them

with comments interspersed about Brent so that people would associate me with him>>

lex (trans) noted this pattern about the chatroom:

<<[11:19] alexander: they’re like... kiiiinda incapable of criticizing the ethical positions of a trans woman without lowkey calling her a rapist. which is like all cis people ever but i’m not happy with it>>

heres elle benjamin choosing to "believe" the lie that emma thought child abuse was hot:

(emma was never let in the "feminist" group to...talk about their experience of being abused.)

heres elle benjamin talking about how much she loves trans women and has empathy for emma being abused. while lying about emma thinking child abuse was hot and lying about them having been violent and banning them from the "rationalist feminist" group they mod. (using the same excuse kingsley did when he said that he chose to believe the lie that anna salamon, president of cfar, wasnt involved in hiring at cfar. "oh someone else told me this." as if that shunts responsibility on to someone else for you believing obvious lies. (it doesnt. someone telling you stereotyped lies about minorities doesnt abdicate responsibility for joining in with the mob.)):

its all so deeply evil what these people are doing. but all they have is "for vague unspecified reasons its Deeply Wise not to listen to what these people say" *sage nod* "they are infohazards, glitches in the matrix, we should all agree on a social norm of ignoring these people." because they are actually wrong and will lose in a debate if they have to justify, say, why they are saying OpenAI and DeepMind have 'alignment teams' when they know thats not true. or why 0 trans women have ever been hired by cfar. or why miri lied about what happened to the fundraiser. or why who is baked in to an fai as morally relevant is determined by a political process, excluding those who have died and nonhuman sentience. or 1000 other questions they can not answer.

these exploratory tendrils of "what lies based on nothing can we get away with?" they also did this with somni and ziz and gwen, the lies they try have a pattern of being blatantly transmisogynistic. for instance patrick sensa lavictoire after sinking a marginal 71,000$ into a failed fundraiser, tried the lie of [ziz is a "gross uncle" style abuser like brent]. https://pastebin.com/TUZ7EThz

there are a lot of avenues people tried that i have catalogued. pete michaud (listed on the cfar staff page) tried saying that ziz was tall and anna was a ~small vulnerable cis woman~. one of these people is the president of a large organization.

<<I'll preface by saying outright that what follows is a full throated, shameless defense of Anna, my friend and colleague, against untrue and ungrounded accusations.

[…]

1. An accusation of Anna that might actually land is that she is a little fast to feel threatened in social situations. She is a woman who is unusually small and has dealt with minor physical disabilities from childhood. She is a full-grown, competent person who navigates life fine (probably better than most, frankly), but the sense of physical vulnerability has deep roots, and she carries it into her social interactions.

2. The context with Ziz is long, and importantly begins prior to Ziz's gender transition. Anna's perspective on a lot of their early interactions is as a small, socially-vulnerable woman, interacting with a male-presenting person who towers over her, and has a penetrating social presence and quite unusual mannerisms that are a combination of low-affect and extremely direct (a combination easy to interpret as aggressive or depersoning).>>

https://pastebin.com/Y5E8d29D

pastel (trans) commented: <<pete michaud's post is invalid

you don't have to read ziz's blog to understand that he is doing bullshit stereotypy

"full-throated defense" suck anna's cock a little deeper, buddy

"anarchists are scary and evil, they throw bombs and wear black">>

pete is a sycophant and probably since he hangs around anna is used to an environment where you can just be this transmisogynistic. anna certainly expected the strat pete is trying to work on ziz.

<<At WAISS, my intent to not be net negative was partially consumed by the intent of Anna Salamon to prevent whistleblowing, and by her timeless gambit that trans women must know our place as inferior to not be “dangerous”.>>

there are a lot more. all playing on transmisogynistic stereotypes, all not true or not relevant. probably the easiest coordination mechanism for ostracism these people could locate.

fortunately for the fate of sentient life in the multiverse, transfems have been talking with each other and know the metagame so when cfar affiliates push the button that activates the trapdoor to flush transfems out im just levitating above empty space.

they could have read the metagame too, but i guess all they would have chosen to see was painful infohazardous static. frying their brain, making their eyes bleed. which honestly is pretty metal. credit to porpentine for neurotype stenography. i know way more about their strategy than they do.

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bladekindeyewear · 5 years

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Boots Reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 12 - Candy Page 18

==>

Time to see what all the fuss was about Page 18. We’re with Jane... that might not be good. Especially given Lollipop proximity.

Jane scoffing at troll genocide again. :(

Gamzee seems more woke than Jane here.

GAMZEE: sO yOu SaYiN yOu NeEd DiFfErEnT sHoEs FoR yOuR hUmAn DiCkS aNd WhAt NoT?

Pfffff

Jane narrows her eyes at the disingenuous buffoon.

I dunno, he sounds like he’s being pretty goddamn ingenuous right now.

It’s not the first time they’ve had this conversation? Are they black with each other or something??

What’s more likely is he’s attempting to get a rise from her. To get her a little hotter under the collar. To put her in a certain mood.

Oh my gosh she’s genuinely black for him, hahahahah

GAMZEE: AnD AlL I EvEr bEeN TrYiN To dO Is gEt yOu rIgHt tOo, WiTh mOrAlS AnD GoOdNeSs, AlL fIlLeD uP iNsIdE yOu As TiGhT aS yOuR tAsTy HoE bAlLoOnS aRe WiTh HuMaN mOo JuIcE.

Jesus christ that’s not the kind of metaphor i want to be hearing from canon

or anyone for that matter

JANE: No! I’d rather die than touch your disgusting clown baton ever again.

....yyyeah, context is showing she’s PROBABLY super Black into this. Still, pretty jarring to see a clear consensual “NO” right in the middle of things.

Quit calling her a dairy queen!!! D: D: D:

Oh god they named the baby Tavros.

Alright, there’s some grade A discomfort in this scene, which I’m enjoying, really. I can see why they singled out page 18. I could traumatize some people with some of these paragraphs out of context.

HOO HOO HOO, THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO THE DARK CARNIVAL!!!

Eeeeuugh

JAKE: Anyway whats up with you? Hows life with davekat going? JADE: oh its great! im really glad i just went for it JADE: all of us together... it really is the best of every world

God damnit Jade why are you obliviously torturing them????????

You could’ve been REALLY GOOD for them both if you just FUCKING LISTENED TO THEM AND RESPECTED THEM INSTEAD OF SITTING ON THEM.

JADE: theres no way me and dave could have a regular baby together because im... JAKE: Whats wrong? JADE: well lets just say that after all the sburb stuff its done some things to my body JADE: like merging with bec mostly

Oh my FUCKING GOD please don’t canonize this. This didn’t need to be spelled out so-- D:

jesus

D: D: D:

This... is actually making my stomach roil again????

not because id object to-- i mean, it’s one thing to deal with

FAN SCENARIOS

ISOLATED divergences from canon where she has to deal with that and its kind of hilarious, but can be safely ignored when it comes to her character arc as a whole

but once its CANON???????? D: D: D:

suddenly you can’t IGNORE the full import when you’re done with, like, an RP or something, of the psychological struggle she would be forced to deal with given an abnormal biological situation. Instead of thinking “Oh, that could be pretty painful to deal with! Let’s explore it temporarily for fun” it becomes “Oh, that would be painful to deal with and you have to think about her having to deal with all the complications of that whenever you hear about her LITERALLY FOREVER.” D:

andrew i know you couldnt resist because of how funny and practically-xenoprogressive it was but whyyyyyyyyy did you have to canonize that WHYYYY

Now instead of a fun joke thought it also has to be SAD FOREVER

AAAAAAAA D’:

i dont know why this would be the line thats crossed to upset me

Rose surrogate?

JADE: no jake, dave wouldnt be the father in this scenario!

Pffffff. Andrew’s just diving RIGHT into the, er, doggy fanfics here. I should... TRY to lighten up about this. Try. D:

(...wait, shit. Knowing my friend, THIS whole bit is why they alluded to this page. God damnit.)

[[ EDIT: askshenhibiki said:

Now that you read Candy 18, flash back to Meat when Roxy is talking about gender... and look at Jade's reaction looking at "where her hands rest on her lap". Yes, Meat hinted at that "mix" too.

Ah, let’s see...

ROXY: and so i got to thinking ROXY: what even is gender ROXY: amirite lol? JADE: oh yeah JADE: that makes sense i guess........

Jade looks at where her hands are folded in her lap. Bites her lip. She has her own concerns about this, her own thoughts. Reasonable thoughts, I’d say. But I’ll refrain from any further comment. I’m staying away from this subject, from now on.

...yeah, guess Dirk at least had the decency not to spring all that on us before Jade got the opportunity to do it honestly. ]]

Guh, back to Jake suffering in his sad, trapped scenario. I hope THAT gets at least resolved by the end of this. Someone save Jake from this, because it looks like he’s not really that capable of saving himself?

==>

Dammit, Jade, I’m cringing at these descriptions of your intrusion.

Oh wow, John went for the mustache. Guess we knew that from, like, his stuffed statue oldself?

Jade doesn’t pick up on the obvious subtext in the conversation, however, because she’s been willfully undermining the subtext in her own personal life for nearly a year now.

D: D: D:

Seriously, Jade, how is what YOU’RE doing any better than what you were frustrated at seeing THEM doing, avoiding the real feelings and truth of anything even if it was conspicuously on body-language display?

KARKAT: THE NEW ADMINISTRATION IS CRACKING DOWN ON CERTAIN KINDS OF INTERSPECIES ADOPTION LAWS.

It’s like Andrew wants us deprived of even a happy imagined future for Earth C on top of everything else!!! What the hell! >:(

Is this about politics? Is Andrew just venting his anger that the Orange Guy is going to get away with ruining everything forever?? Because as understandable as that is, he could at least give us some imaginary happyfutures to look forward to.

Reading on... Hm, yet another intentionally-misused fridging reference.

KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS A FLAMING WRECK OF AN INTERSTELLAR WARSHIP HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET AT TERMINAL VELOCITY WITH THE ENTIRE CREW BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED UPON REENTRY, SHOVED STRAIGHT DOWN THE CHAGRIN TUNNEL AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SHAT OUT THE OTHER SIDE, THUS FLOODING THE ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN IT CLOGS UP THE LOAD GAPER.

Yep, that triangle’s fucked. Wonder if the conversation’s going to transition to the CURRENT triangle’s problems...

...yeah, John using the R word there isn’t far from the fucking truth from the looks of things.

JADE: maybe that would work for a few days, but one thing i learned from dating around a lot in my youth is that no ones going to leave a bad relationship until its THEIR idea to leave

She takes in a shaky breath and shuts her eyes. Her hair spills around her face when she leans forward to put her chin on her knees. Dave and Karkat exchange a look that is equal parts confused, miserable, and desperate.

Oh SHIT. Is JADE going to be the one to finally vocalize about the problems here???

Something else comes hurtling out of the hole in the sky, too fast for Jade to catch. It hits the ground with a clap of green lightning. The collision sends a geyser of dirt, rock, and vapor into the air. Dave flash-steps to shield Karkat. Jade doesn’t move, taking the brunt of the explosion face on, using her abilities to warp the energy around her so that she’s a mote at the center of the storm. When the dust clears, she’s the first to jump in the crater, trailing smoke behind her.

There’s a body at the center of it. The torso is bloody, tangled, and curled into a fetal position. Its shoes are missing, but otherwise the outfit is quite familiar to her: it’s a dead ringer for her old Witch of Space uniform. Jade touches the body with the toe of her shoe, and then gasps when it rolls over to reveal its face.

JADE: its... JADE: ME???

Okay what the FUCK. It sounds like there’s going to be some context for that postscript after all. Something to bridge the gap between when that 16-yo Jade falls into the singularity and when Aradia goes off with her through a wormhole

I’m going to guess up front that this happens BEFORE the postscript... this younger version of Jade fell into the black hole and came out in THIS alternate timeline, possibly rather changed by the experience. But then again, the way the sky opened up... actually, couldn’t that be just a “natural” manifestation of the black hole abilities encouraged by Calliope or done by the singularity alone, followed by later in the Postscript this Jade actually getting control of it??

And... reading on, from the sound of it, her eyes aren’t black yet, either. Sounds like that’s to come, before the postscript. Question being, is it alt!Callie black eyes, or some black-hole-powers visual manifestation? Wait, never mind, I misread; this teenage Jade-corpse has NOT opened their eyes yet, so they couldn’t possibly tell, and the stuff about them “shaking” was about the adult Jade standing over her. Never mind. Let’s see which timeframe this Jade came from.

Also STOP TRAUMATIZING ADULT JADE ON SCREEN ITS NOT OKAY IM SICK OF IT ANDREW

==>

Page 20...

Stop letting babby not!Vriska bully babby not!Tavros.

Hm... same stupid tooth poison? No, Jade didn’t get hit with a tooth... so it’s more getting hit with shards of spacetime and spiraling down a black hole. Also whatever alt!Callie did to just barely keep her alive.

Hm, so the Heart stuff falls apart if you’re too separated from the mass-whole at Light’s center? That’s certainly a hypothesis at least.

ROXY: sounds like its time for another funeral lmao

ROXY WAKE THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING A VAGUELY ROXY-LOOKING LMAO-ZOMBIE. WHERE THE FUCK DID REAL ROXY GO.

And where the fuck is Calliope anyway, she’s just being left in the dust and nobody’s even talked to her from the looks of it.

Hm, cut apart by political differences, this group...?

ROXY: woah ok karkat i get ur all fired up about politics and stuff but lay off gamz ok

ROXY WHO REPLACED YOUR FUCKING BRAIN WITH A BLOCK OF CHEESE

ROXY YOU’RE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER PLEASE GIVE US AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY YOU’RE ACTING NOTHING LIKE THE COOL SMART PERSON WE READ ABOUT.

JADE: dave what the FUCK did you say to him downstairs?

Oh my god you asshole don’t blame DAVE for this >:(

ROXY: this time next week well corpse party like its the end of the world!

I don’t want to think this has anything to do with Aradia, but we DID see her in that postscript bit... And, I mean, what the hell could she even do?? It’s not like this Roxy is just Aradia in really convincing cosplay or something.

==>

She leads John and Jake into the building and down the center of the nave, humming happily to herself the entire time. An equally effusive Calliope trails behind her, carrying a bouquet of purple flowers.

Well there’s Callie. What is WITH these hypnotized motherfuckers. I need a revelation on these shenanigans STAT.

What is with people being bathed in light here?

each time we witness death, we fall in love in with the important people in oUr lives all over again.

Calliope is gazing at Roxy with glassy eyes. She sniffs as she plucks the last petal from her rose. A breeze washes through the cathedral from the crack in the door at the end of the room, brushing the petal off-course and causing it to get stuck in Roxy’s over-sprayed hair. Calliope reaches out with a visibly shaking hand to remove the plant offal, but she does not draw back. Instead, she lets her hand graze down the side of Roxy’s face and cup her cheek. Roxy puts her own hand over Callie’s and holds it.

Uhhh.... huh.

So.

If Roxy was just lying to herself, then............ WHY??????

John tilts his head and squints at the image in front of him. Hmm.

Is John realizing he’s in some sort of fanfic drawn by another character, hence all the people in serene lightbeams at tender but unjustified moments?

Everyone whips their heads around to see, of all people, Aradia hovering in the foyer

Pff

(...I hope Aradia didn’t come here, like, from the postscript. Where the “action” she talked about might have just been this corpse party. Because that would be pretty fucking lame.)

KARKAT: MAYBE FUCKING NEPETA IS ABOUT TO POUNCE FROM BEHIND THAT GROTESQUE STATUE OF THE HUMAN SUFFERER T-POSING OVER THERE.

Pfffffffffff

The description of Human Jesus we all had in our hearts, but were too afraid to voice.

Alright, now we see the body we took our eyes off of. Is it going to get back up, or did it escape earlier?

since nobody was willing to dislodge the huge, otherworldly shard from her chest

My damn god, people.

...alright finally, everyone’s talking.

JANE: Agreed. I’ve always felt that Kanaya has done an exemplary job of providing a model for compassionate, empathetic behavior, which others of her kind would do well to follow.

JANE STOP BEING A XENOPHOBIC BASTARD

CALLIOPE: please. roxy gathered yoU all here for a reason. CALLIOPE: at least listen Until the end. CALLIOPE: after that yoU can argUe all you want.

...Huh. Huuuuhh. What the fuck is all this for. Are you saying ROXY caused this? Or...?

Okay I like this reinforcement she’s making in her speech about how different changes can influence how all of this unfolds, gives me hope that maybe these two cliffhangers aren’t all we’re going to be left with and we’ll be able to at least think of an IMPLIED future different from them if we wanted to like we thought about the seemingly-infinite-possibility original ending of Homestuck that I’d rather have been stuck with than this oh god breathe boots

okay there’s the labor going into good distraction

alright corpse get back up

JADE: i am not jade.

Right, so like the black eyes in the postscript suggested this is more just a... vessel for alt!Calliope now? To give HER a future beyond the one she sacrificed for that black hole business? And between alt!Callie’s became-the-black-hole nature and Jade’s Spacey Green Sun connection that’s been singularified, she has access to cool Black Hole powers? And is gonna do cool shit with them in implied future adventures we won’t see while Aradia gleefully watches the carnage? Huh.

The congregation watches her go, but no one moves to help her, or even looks in her direction. In her wake, she leaves a primal, echoing wail.

Oh my god why wouldn’t they have just a brief discussion or something IT’S NOT THAT BAD D:

JADE: and while i cannot say the same thing for the rest of you, JADE: i, at least, am exactly where i am meant to be.

Well fuck. So she just disconfirmed this timeline as... something. Relevant, possible, I dunno.

JADE: and i have entered this body to protect your world.

Okay that’s good. So thanks to alt!Calliope these side timelines where things unfolded differently MAY be preserved. Pretty fitting given alt!Callie’s origins.

.......unless there’s some other stupid interspecies civil war threat that she’s going to be fighting too, here, when the political situation falls apart. Dammit.

==>

Terezi talk Terezi talk

-- JOHN EGBERT sent TEREZI PYROPE the photo “ghostrain.jpg” --

TEREZI: WH4T TH3 4CTU4L FUCK JOHN: it started a few days ago. the sky above the capital of the troll kingdom just cracked open and ghosts began raining down everywhere.

Oh my GOD. So alt!Callie kind of “saved” all the doomed ghosts that got swallowed up in the black hole by redirecting them all to THIS UNIVERSE and timeline???????

That’s pretty interesting! Heck my stomach’s even calming down!

they can’t even be judges! TEREZI: G4SP

Yeah that’s pretty terrible!

...yep, the resistance WOULD put him in charge. I had a feeling it may have ended up in that direction in Candy since it wasn’t in Meat.

--oh FUCK YOU Jade for splitting up what he had with Karkat before they could sort it out!!! You did the OPPOSITE OF HELP and neither of them are going to end up happy thanks to you! D:<

PFFF wow, John’s so concerned about babby not!Tavros’s living situation that he’s considering legit kidnapping. That means things must be pretty fucking bad.

--okay Calliope’s still out and about with Roxy instead of being cooped up in her room like in the other timeline, that’s good.

Pff, trying to redeem Ghost Eridan in front of Ghost Feferi. Yep, that’s Gamzee.

GAMZEE: fIrSt, A LiTtLe RiGhTeOuS sPlAsH oF tHe NaNnA nEcTaR tO cLeAnSe ThAt DaNkNeSs FrOm YoUr SoUlS...

Gamzee takes out a baby bottle and flicks it, covering them both with little drops of milk, as clergy does with holy water. He then takes a swig from the bottle himself before returning it to his codpiece.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

I don’t want to believe that what’s in that bottle is what he’s making it sound like it is, but OF COURSE it is. Why would it be anything else. I bet there’s not even any Lifey hypnosis going on, it’s just the literal stuff.

The crowd falls silent as they raise their heads to watch a drone ship pass by overhead.

Jegus fuck stop going whole hog condesce janey

ROXY: lmao you worry too much ROXY: janeys got her head on straight shell show you yet

ROXY. WHERE DID YOUR BRAIN GO. I MISS IT. YOUR BRAIN WAS THE BEST FUCKING PART OF YOU.

Touching photo.

Alright lemme post split. I haven’t gotten as far as the last post plowed through since I’ve been typing so much... ah well.

#Homestuck #Homestuck Epilogue #Upd8 #Homestuck Liveblog #bladekindeyewear #BlastYoBoots

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drabblers · 5 years

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Three months late

Prompt: Mystique Fandom: Rurouni Kenshin Setting: Modern AU, Actors. This is part two continuation for the one-shot: “A Comedy of Romance.” The last part was “Goodbyes aren’t always final“. Characters: Kenshin Himura, Kaoru Kamiya, Misao Makimachi Word count: 3307

<…and if you would like to see more about my interpretation of the character, I would be pleased to do also demos from other scenes. Looking forward to hearing back from you. Respectfully yours, Kamiya Kaoru.>

Kaoru frowned at the email she had written, gnawing on her bottom lip thoughtfully. No, it was as good as it could get, she decided and pressed send. The email left, leaving her to stare at her depressingly empty inbox. Twenty-two applications send, only two replies – and both of them nicely worded versions of “sorry, not interested.”

It sucked to be an actress between jobs, with no good prospects waiting.

True, it was the same for all the starting actors and yes, she knew the industry was extremely competitive. But still, if she just got a chance, a real chance to play a significant role in an action movie… She sighed deeply. Sometimes her dream just felt too distant. Unreachable. Like a mission impossible. But Kenshin had told her that she just had to keep trying and to differentiate herself from her competition the best she could. For example, when she had an option to choose scenes to do a demo for, she should select ones that suited her strengths instead of going for the popular choices.

The thought of Kenshin drove her to check her mailbox’s spam folder, just out of habit. Ads for sunglasses, bags, online shop adds, and nothing else. Just typical.

It had been twelve weeks since the last shooting day party, since that night with Kenshin… since he had left for the Gobi desert. She hadn’t heard anything from him since then. No phone call. No email. No message. Nothing. His shoots for his next movie had supposed to take six to eight weeks, but now… it had been three months. Had she just dreamed that night? Maybe she had been too drunk and just come up with this elaborate make-believe memory and fooled herself into believing that Himura Kenshin had asked her to date him?

Or maybe, there was no self-deceit or mystique to it at all and it was like Misao said, that her co-actor had just made promises to get into her pants and after he had succeeded, he had fucked off to his merry ways and left her reeling.

She shook her head.

No, Kenshin wouldn’t do that. He was not the sleazy type, thank you very much. Which she had tried to explain to Misao as well – but given that her secrecy contract forbid her from mentioning Kenshin’s name until it was officially announced – her explanations had fallen on flat ears.

Kaoru groaned to her hands. She was frustrated and angry at herself, at Misao and most of all – at Kenshin. Why hadn’t he contacted her? It was the Gobi desert, not Mars! They had some form of communication down there, hadn’t they? Even if they didn’t have reliable phone lines or internet, there had to be old-fashioned snail mail or a courier or... something? Surely, If he wanted to, he had to have some way of contacting her?

…If he wanted to.

Gods, that was the one thing the devil on her shoulder kept whispering her. That she had understood the whole dating thing wrong and it was like Misao claimed, that he had just wanted one night’s fun.

No. Nope. She slapped her cheek, as if to drive away the poisonous thought, and rose, heading to her kitchen. Misao should be coming back any minute now and she had promised to cook tonight. Nothing fancy. Just something simple even a kitchen disaster like her could throw on a frying pan and call it dinner.

She lived in a two bedroom apartment in downtown Tokyo with her roommate since University days, Misao Makimachi. It was a useful arrangement for both of them. After all, freelance reporters and actresses shared the same problem: they got paid per project basis.

Kaoru had just gotten the frozen dinner on a pan when out of a sudden, the doorbell rang.

“Wait a minute!” Kaoru yelled, dumping tofu and frozen vegetables on a pan and setting to heat to hot. It should take several minutes to warm up anyways. She huffed, sweeping her hair aside and looked down at her comfortable pajamas. She had not bothered to dress up for the day, after all, it wasn’t like she was going anywhere. Should she change clothes to answer the door? Nah, no need. It was just Misao.

The doorbell rang again.

Kaoru growled. Seriously! Was Misao carrying something large, or just being lazy that she was not using her own keys to open the door?

She pulled the door open, about to say something rude but the words died on her tongue and she blanched in realization…

...and slammed the door shut right in front of his face.

———————————————–

“Oro?” Kenshin blurted, too stunned for more cohere words.

Something slammed against the door with a thud. Her back? Then, her shaky inhale echoed in the silence.

Kenshin lowered his hand and wetted his lips. “Miss Kaoru…?”

“Why didn’t you send a message?” She asked softly. “Even a letter? You had to have some form of communication available, even down there in the middle of nowhere.”

“I… I, ah… Um, one is sorry, that he is.”

“Sorry…?” She asked, taking a pointed pause. “I waited for you. Week, four weeks… twelve weeks and nothing.”

There was hurt in her tone: bewilderment, pain… but also anger. Kenshin squeezed his hands to a tight fist. God dammit! He should have known that man couldn’t keep things professional between them.

He took an inhale, finally gathering himself enough to speak. “This one did send you messages. Every day, in fact. But it seems that they got lost in transit, that they did. This one is sorry, that he is. Miss Kaoru – please, forgive this one.”

Clothes rustled, and something hit the door – her fist? No, her forehead?

He heard her drawn breath. “What happened?” She asked, her voice wavering only a little. “If what you say is true, how can you lose over a hundred messages?”

“That’s… Um, it’s a long story. A very personal story, that it is.” Kenshin cringed. “But in essence, this one’s interpreter… well, Enishi has a reason for being angry with this one, but this one honestly assumed that he could put his feelings aside and maintain a professional relationship.”

“…your interpreter?”

“Err, yes,” Kenshin said. “This one doesn’t speak Chinese – more than few words, that is – and whenever one does movies with Chinese one needs help with the language.”

The lock twisted, and she opened the door.

He stared at her, drinking in every detail of her. Her hair was in a messy bun, and she was wearing her pajamas and under her eyes, she had dark spots, like she had been trouble sleeping. Yet, despite everything, she looked like home and something in his chest ached. He wanted nothing more than to pull her close and tell her how he had missed her.

“Let me get this straight,” she started, gnawing on her bottom lip. “Your interpreter had a grudge against you? And he took it out by not sending your messages? Did the guy never want to have work in the industry or what?”

“Um, that’s… well, most likely he knew this one wouldn’t rat on him.” Kenshin hazarded, “As this one said, Enishi has a good reason for his anger, that he has. You see, this one, well, one was, but...” He stopped abruptly and looked aside, clearly trying to find the words but failing miserably.

She blinked slowly. “Um…”

Instead of continuing his stammering, Kenshin shook his head and dug into his shoulder bag and pulled out a stack of letters with a huge red stamp with Japanese text for "Return to sender" on them. “This one picked these up at the mail office in China. See the address?”

She took the stack gingerly, turning the unopened stack of letters in her hands. “That’s my name but… what the hell?”

“Enishi did send the letters as this one instructed him to, that he did. He just misspelled the address and when the letters did not reach a proper destination, they were returned to China – and given the distances, this one only found out about this last week, that one did. Note how small the error is?”

“Are you sure it was deliberate?” She asked. “I mean, even to me – it looks like a human error.”

Kenshin exhaled, relieved that she seemed to believe him. “I… Well, could this one come in?” He asked, glancing over his shoulder where a neighbor was peeking from the doorway. “One will tell you, but as it relates to personal history, one would prefer to keep it between the two of us, that he would.”

Miss Kaoru followed his gaze and blanched. “Err, yes – of course.”

She opened the door, wordlessly inviting him in… into an apartment with visible puffs of smoke floating around.

Kenshin stared. “Um-“

Which was, of course, the moment when the fire alarm blared to life, filling the apartment with ear-splitting beeping.

“Oh fuck.” Miss Kaoru said, pressing her hands to her ears. “Wait here!”

And she ran off to where the smoke was coming from.

Too curious to his own good, Kenshin followed her to – kitchen? Miss Kaoru had pushed a frying pan onto the kitchen sink with its contents and all and was staring at the fire alarm fixated to her ceiling like she wanted to smash it to pieces.

No wonder why, like him – she was on the shorter side and the kitchen did not have a convenient a ladder or step-stool. Well, not a stool most people would use to reach high places.

Kenshin grinned and without a second thought, grabbed a chair from next to her small dining table, stepped on its seat, tilted it on two legs and climbed to stand on the backrest, balancing it while reaching to the offending fire alarm.

And there!

Blessed silence.

Miss Kaoru stared up at him, her mouth falling open. “So you really do your own stunts—“

Kenshin covered his mouth with his hand, but couldn’t quite contain his snort in time.

She pouted at him.

And then he really couldn’t help it, but burst into laughter. Gods, her expression! He knew it wasn’t polite – no, it was downright rude but she had an unparalleled ability to make him laugh and forget his worries and stress. It was amazing. Just for that, he would have fallen in love with her…

“Mou! It’s not that funny,” she grumbled. “And get down here before you fall down, break your neck and force me to cart you down to hospital.”

“Sorry,” He straightened and jumped down. “It just seemed to be the fastest way to solve the problem, that it was.”

“I was not complaining.” She grumbled, turning to the offending attempt at dinner.

“Kaoru…”

———————————————————

His voice was soft, gentle when he whispered those syllables. He always said: Miss. He had never called her by her bare name. A shiver raced down her spine and something fluttered at the pit of her belly.

She didn’t turn around. Because if she did… she wasn’t sure what she would do.

Footsteps behind her, and then he stopped, close enough that his breath tingled at her neck. “I… This one missed you.”

She swallowed. “I missed you too.”

He laid his chin on her shoulder, resting his arms around her waist. Not forceful. He was simply there. Warm. Solid. And there. For her. She inhaled deeply, turned around in his embrace and asked, “are we still dating?”

“I… This one…” He frowned. “Aren’t we?” He finally asked. “One means, if you don’t want to…”

“I do!” She hurried to assure him. “I want to. I just, it happened so soon an then I didn’t hear anything from you-“

“One is sorry about that, but there was-“

“I believe you,” Kaoru hurried to interrupt him. “I know you said the whole thing with messages and interpreter spiraled out of your control and I want to know all about it, but before that… I just, are you sure that you want to date? With me?”

He blinked slowly. “Why wouldn’t one want to date with you?”

She looked aside, gnawing on her bottom lip. “It’s, well, you are you and I am…“ She waved her hand, directing his gaze to take note of the apartment’s small kitchen and all signs of student lifestyle style therein. The difference to the standards he was used to had to be obvious. After all, even when discounting the fact that he was a celebrity, he was exceedingly well of man and she… she was just a rookie actress starting in her career with a whole bunch of student loans to pay for.

He took his time studying her apartment from his spot, still holding her in his embrace. Finally, he noted out loud, “It’s homely, that it is. A lot cozier than the apartment this one used to live when he was just starting out, that it is.” He smiled at her, a hint of mischief sparkling in the corner of his eye. “Did you know, this one afforded to purchase a futon only after the Legend of Hitokiri Battousai was published and started breaking the box office records? Before that, one used to sleep curled against the wall.”

“…huh?” Kaoru gaped. “You mean…”

He shrugged. “This one knows very well how difficult it is to start out in this career, that he does.” He drew his arms a little tighter around her and looked at her seriously. “One knows how very proud and self-reliant you are, that one does. But if you ever feel that you could accept introductions or some other assistance one could offer…”

“No!” She yelped. “No, I’m fine. Thanks for offering though.” She mumbled, feeling the heat to rise to her cheeks. Gods, did he think she was asking for help? She wasn’t about to take advantage of him! “I was just…” She paused, and thought through what she had been about to ask which really came down to the question: are you sure that am I good enough for you? And suddenly, she felt very stupid. “It’s nothing”. She mumbled, pressing her face into his shoulder.

The whole time she had known him, Kenshin had been very consistent in his appreciation of her. His glances at her, his constant smiles, the way he always took her questions and concerns seriously and offered any help he could… No, even if she had no idea why he had decided to like her, it was obvious that he did enjoy her company.

“Kaoru…” He hesitated. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes,” She mumbled. “I just feel stupid, that’s all.”

He huffed fondly, stroking her cheek, wordlessly asking her to look up. “You are amazing.” He smiled. “You are funny, charismatic and if one could, one would never again leave your side.”

That last line! Only he could repeat his character’s line at her like they hadn’t spoken those words to each other in front of cameras and five dozen people three months ago!

She grinned, and replied her part, “Then stay.” And rose on tiptoes to kiss him.

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back, drawing her to his embrace like they had never parted. They kissed and kissed each other again…

“Kaoru, you are never gonna believe this, but the neighbor’s old lady said she saw…“ A female voice called out, only to turn to a shriek: “Oh my god.”

A shopping bag dropped to the floor.

Kaoru froze and turned to look at her roommate staring at them. Blushing, Kaoru untangled herself from Kenshin’s embrace and swallowed, “Um… Hi, Misao-chan.”

“Kaoru, you…” Her roommate stared. “That’s…”

Kenshin rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Um... Hi, I don’t believe that Miss Kaoru has mentioned me.” He smiled awkwardly, stepped closer to Misao and offered his hand for a handshake, “I am Kaoru’s colleague, Himura Kenshin, that I am. It’s nice to meet you.”

Misao took his hand and shook it. “Uh, Misao. Makimachi. I have heard quite a bit about you.”

“You have?” Kenshin asked, guileless.

“Uh huh.” Misao nodded, her eyes lighting up with unholy glee. “But more importantly, what was with that kiss? Do you kiss all your colleagues like that?”

Kaoru felt like face-palming. “Misao…”

“Hey, hey,” Misao protested. “It’s a valid question! A girl’s gotta know these things.”

Kenshin stiffened. “Uh… No. That’s not the case, that it isn’t.”

“Then, what’s with the kiss?” Misao’s smile had teeth. “Because if you step in Kaoru’s life just when it suits you and end up hurting my friend…”

Kenshin looked at Kaoru, a question in his eyes. Clearly, he wasn’t about to say anything if she wasn’t okay with it.

Kaoru’s heart melted. She smiled, and stepped to his side and wrapped an arm around his waist. “We are dating.” She said to her friend. “It’s a little bit sensitive information, so please could you keep it to yourself?”

Misao blinked. “Okay, if you say so… but, uh, what about the three-month long disappearing act? Weren’t you angry about that?”

Now Kaoru did cover her eyes and groaned into her palm. How often had she talked, ranted and whined about her mysterious colleague that had left of to shoot his film in China during the last three months to Misao? She couldn’t even venture a guess. “Yes I was, but there was a bit of trouble with the interpreter and...” She trailed off, noting how tense Kenshin seemed to be. Hadn’t he said it was private? Given his habit of understating things, it really had to be something he wasn't comfortable at speaking about. She looked at Kenshin and said decisively, “It’s all fine now.”

He shot her a relieved little smile that spoke more than a thousand words.

She had made the right choice then. She exhaled in relief, spun around and grabbed her phone from the kitchen counter. “But before that, perhaps we could order something to eat?”

Misao glanced at the kitchen sink. “Don’t tell me you burned the dinner again.”

“This time it wasn’t my fault!” Kaoru protested, holding out her phone. “Is Chinese fine for everyone?” She froze, realizing the faux pas as soon as she said it. He has just been three months in China. He had to be sick and tired of Chinese after that.

Kenshin grinned sheepishly. “Or perhaps this one could cook?” He volunteered. “You seemed to have planned on having a homemade meal tonight.”

Kaoru’s stare turned to shock.

Even Misao boggled. “You cook…?”

“Sure,” Kenshin quipped back and leaned down to gather the groceries Misao had dropped to the floor.

“Kenshin…” Kaoru hesitated.

“It’s fine.” He smiled at her. “This one enjoys cooking. It’s one of his hobbies even to this day, that it is. Besides, one did interrupt your cooking rather badly, that one did...”

"That's..." Kaoru cringed.

"Please, Miss Kaoru." Kenshin smiled at her. "Let this one do this small thing for you."

What could she say to that? Wordless, Kaoru nodded at him.

In silence, She and Misao settled down to sit around the dinner table and stare the spectacle of international action mega-star, Himura Kenshin unpacking Misao's groceries with quiet efficiency, and them rummaging through their fridge, pantry, and freezer for supplies to cook a dinner for them.

It was quite obvious that he knew what he was doing.

Kaoru gnawed on her bottom lip in silence, and Misao leaned over to whisper to her ear. “Forget everything I said and hold to him for your life. You and him... It's obviously a match made in heaven.”

AN: Happy new year!

#Rurouni Kenshin #Kenshin Himura #kaoru kamiya #kenkao #kaoken #misao makimachi #Rahmakapala's drabbles #AComedyofRomance

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blessyourheartdharps · 6 years

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band-aids don’t fix bullet holes but they do cover bites || Platonic Soulmates

who: Dani Harper & Abel Hayward

when: 8/25/18 - night (I literally forgot to post this)

where: their house ; Dani’s room

what: after an argument, Dani bit herself and Abel fixes her up

warnings: blood, depression, technically this is self harm, mentions of death and abuse

It was stupid, the way she felt. She knew he had a point. She knew he was right, but she was frustrated. Dani had never had this issue. Never had to worry about hurting someone like this. Whatever was happening with Mercedes was weird. It was wrong, but not in the way it should be. Dani knew Mercedes deserved the world and that Dani wasn't that. She was a wreck and that wouldn't change anytime soon. In truth, it was likely not to ever fully change. Abuse stayed with a person and that mistrust, especially with people who talked to her drunk was part of it. It sucked. And she'd gotten frustrated and bit her arm, hard. She'd tasted the blood fast but hadn't let go until Abel was gone. Until she'd heard the door close. His words felt like a kick to the gut and she'd ended up just getting up and going into her room, door locked tight behind her. She didn't even look at her arm, she knew it was bleeding, but she wasn't going to deal with it. She deserved to hurt. So, she'd laid on the floor, her depression playlist blasting and closed her eyes, letting the darkness and the lyrics consume her. It started with Pain by Three Days Grace and then transitioned into Sharp Edges by Linkin Park as she let everything sink in, doing her best to ignore the feeling of blood running down her arm onto the wood floor beneath her.

Abel knew he was out of line when he told her that things, but he knew that if he didnt try, he would be watching his best friend going after someone and it somehow turned on a switch for something, that he didnt know. He hadnt discussed what he told Dani yet in therapy. When he got to his car, he hit his hand against his car and he groaned out of pain. He let out a breath, knew that he couldnt be running off somewhere else when Dani was this down. He headed back into the house, ignored the pain in his hand and closed his door once he was in there. He put his headphones on, started to play songs from Aaliyah and turned up the volume as he tried to ignore the pain and tried to draw. He kept messing up and it still wasn't getting any better. He turned down his music some, placed his headphones around his neck and swallowed hard as he gotten up. Abel knew that he needed to check on Dani, since he didnt leave and he felt bad for doing so. He headed into their bathroom, grabbed the first aid kit and headed to her door. He tried to open the door, but it was locked. He rested his forehead against the door, let out a breath as he closed his eyes. "Dani! If you don't open the door, I will kick it down! I dont feel like replacing a door at the moment!"

The music continued to play, her arm still bleeding onto the floor, as she lay there. So much of her begged her to get up, to change the music, to clean up the blood , to patch up her arm, to stop hating herself. But she couldn't. The exhaustion of the day mixed with need to not feel but also feel, kept her from doing it. If she let herself bleed, this was just an accident. This would keep her from doing it on purpose. Because she as scared she would. Scared that if she fixed the bleeding, she'd just want to make it a new escape. Even as she heard Abel yell at her through the door, she just continued to lay there. She cared but she didn't. She couldn't let him in. Couldn't let him near. She was scared of what she might do to him.

"Dani Harper, get your ass off of the floor and let me in. So I can bandaged that up! Im seriously going to kick down the door if you don't let me in five minutes!" Abel shouted over her music and knew that he needed to get into her room. "Seriously, I don't really want to replace a door, but I will if you just continue to lay there! Also, I don't want to explain the blood that would be stained on the floor!" He placed the kit in his left hand as he gotten in position and looked at his left wrist. "Five..four..This is your last chance!"

His words had her huffing and she got up, ignoring the way she felt the blood change direction towards her palm. Swallowing she stared at the door, trying to convince herself to do it, to open the door, to let him in. As he started to count down she turned the lock, and opened the door, simultaneously turning on her heel and going back to her spot in the middle of the room, sinking back to the floor. Clenching her fist she grimaced at the feeling of blood on her hand. It was worse than she'd thought. There wasn't a lot of blood on the floor, most of it still on her arm, but there was enough to warrant needing cleaning up.

Abel raised one of his legs up as he kept an eye on the door and looked up when he saw Dani. He turned off his headphones, placed them on a box as he headed into her room, being careful not to step in the blood and turned off the music. "I'll get that cleaned up after I clean you up." He replied softly as he ignored the pain in his hand before he started to pull out what he needed and started to clean her arm up once he put on gloves. "Im sorry for saying that and then leaving you. Something clicked and I knew that I needed to get away from you, but I hit my hand against my car. So that's karma kicking my ass for you." He whispered as he grabbed another wipe and looked at her. "Why did you bite your hand? I mean, I would get it if you bit my hand, but why yours?"

Dani didn't even really respond as Abel turned off the music or started talking, all too fascinated by the blood on her arm. the bite mark in her arm. She'd never actually broken skin that badly before. It was weird. "I don't know... I was frustrated and I didn't really have anything to scream into and I don't know the sound proofing in this place so like my arm just seemed like the best way to muffle that but... I bit harder than normal. Cause I do it a lot when I don't want people to hear me scream..." She couldn't look at him, even as he cleaned up her arm, instead focusing her eyes on her own arm, what he was doing. "I'm sorry."

Abel listened to her, glanced up at her and looked back at the bite. "You could always scream into my chest next time, okay? Or even into my arm. Anything besides biting at your own skin." He said softly as he raised an eyebrow as she spoke and looked at her. "No need to apologize, D." He grabbed a bandage and placed it over it. "It doesnt look too deep for stitches, but if it worse. I advise for us to go to minor care and see what they can give you, since you're recovering." He took off the gloves before he put on new gloves to clean up the blood. "Also, I hear going outside and screaming might be a good idea. However, not around here, obviously or they might call the police."

Dani sighed as he spoke. "Felt like I deserved it, I guess. Always do. It's easier, attacking my own body. I control how bad I get hurt. I don't hurt someone else." She shrugged a bit as he said she didn't need to apologize. Maybe she didn't, but she felt like she did. "Yeah, I guess." Dani hated the idea of going to minor care, or really anywhere, where the reasoning behind her actions would be questioned. Yes, she was getting help. Yes, she was recovering from multiple addictions. Yes, she was a domestic abuse survivor. No, this would not save her from being admitted to the psych ward. That was the last thing she wanted, to be locked away like that. "That's why I didn't just scream, cause God forbid the neighbors heard. That's the last thing we need right after moving in."

Abel paused his movements and let out a breath. "Dani, you don't deserve any of this shit thats happening. I know me saying it wont change your mind, but honestly. You dont deserve heartache or anything like this. Especially attacking yourself, when you're punishing yourself. Its not right. Im gonna see about installing a kickboxing bag down in the basement. I know it wont solve all of our problems, but it will be a step." He looked at her, swallowed hard before he started to clean the blood. "Im sure they would probably think we were watching some show and get pissed because let's be honest. We've done that before. Besides, it wouldnt be anything surprising since we're living in New York and people screamed at each other before."

Dani pulled her knees to her chest, resting her head on her good arm. "Attacking myself is better than hurting you. I hate hurting other people, but especially the people I love." She sighed. "I normally don't break skin anyway, but now I'm scared. Scared I'll do it on purpose. Cause I've felt the pain and the relief and the feeling without feeling..."Dani closed her eyes for a moment then breathed out. "I need to get back into derby so bad. Get back to being physical like that. The extra energy is causing problems. Problems we don't need."

"I can take it. I dont look like it, but I can take it." Abel said with a shrug and looked back at the spot as she talked, hoping it wouldnt leave a stain. "Then make sure to talk about it in therapy." He paused as he looked back at her before he slowly nodded. "We've got 99 problems but a bitch aint one." Abel hoped it would make her smile but he knew better than that. "Sorry, I thought it was appropriate since we're in New York and Jay-Z is from NY. Yeah, you definitely need to get back into Roller Derby because honestly, you need it and we need it as a family. Like I need to get back into working out and doing shit that makes me focus my energy into something." He paused as he bit his inner cheek. "I wonder if Saph can give me a number of a celebrity trainer who is willing to come here and help me get back into the gym. I honestly need to get a manager so that way Saph doesnt need my shit on top of everyone else's." He looked at Dani. "So, will I be expecting you in my bed? Or you?" He asked when he heard Batman near the door. "Also, if you want, we can change his last name again before I leave town. If I leave town." He sighed.(edited)

Dani groaned, shaking her head. "So could the bitch, but that doesn't mean I want to take it out on you. I didn't even want to take it out on her and she fucking deserved it most of the time." It was true. Dani hated the way her and Angela would fight, even if Angela started it. It was something Dani hated doing and it made her feel sick, more than the thought of relapsing with self harm tended to. She tilted her head at him. "Yeah and I'm sure they can, though if Saph is the kind of person I've been told they are, your shit isn't an issue." Dani could remember the things Puck and Quinn had told her and it seemed reasonable that Saph was the kind of person who took on the weight of the world for everyone. She furrowed her brows and stood up, walking so she was in front of him before making it so she was on eye level with him. "We will figure the dark knight name situation AFTER you get back from picking our girl up. None of this if you leave town bullshit."

Abel relaxed a bit before he started to attack the stain again. "I know and to be fair, she still deserves it." He pointed out once the stain was gone and took off his gloves. "Saph is and I know, but they need a break from everything." He watched her get to eye level with him. "Will you be here when we get back? Because I need you to promise me that you will go to all of your appointments while Im gone."

Dani sighed. "Maybe, but the less I have to think about her, the better. She's my past and as painful as that is, as hard as it will be to get over, I will. Given enough time." Dani nodded a bit as he talked about Saph. "I can almost guarantee they've had quite the break while in Lima." She smiled at him gently and held out her pinky to him. "I, Danielle Maria Harper, promise you that not only will I be here when you get back, still clean and sober and harm free, but that this house will be perfect for our family when you do. That I will go to my appointments, even if it means having Hunter force me." Her face was serious and sincere as she spoke, looking him directly in the eyes.

Abel listened to her and gave her a smile. "I know, you can do it. Remember, baby steps." He nodded. He raised an eyebrow. "Wait, they're in Lima? Damn. Oh, OooOh. Damn." He saw her gentle smile as he held out his pinkie as well. "I, Abel Cyrus Hayward, promise to be clean and sober while Im traveling with our kid and I will also find an AA and a therapist while in Lima. When I get back, I will go to a meeting & a session. Good." He said as he wrapped his pinkie around hers and shook it as he met her eyes.

Dani nodded a bit as he spoke. "Yeah, Puck is one lucky fucker." Dani laughed a bit and then her face fell serious as she listened to him. Nodding her head, she curled her pinkie around his the rest of the way. "We've got this."

Abel looked at Dani and chewed on his inner cheek. "Lets hope so." He said, hoping that it would be true.

#parawhatif #self harm tw #blood tw #abuse tw #depression tw #i: abel hayward #p: abel hayward #p: 007 #p: all

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i-bounced-byeeee · 3 years

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Man I remember when I tried to come out someone they were like

"No you're not!"

And these were their reasons why i wasnt (bonus my refutation)

1. I was a girly kid, I didnt have a tomboy phase.

- about that, I was very much encouraged to like girly things. I remember very well once when I was maybe 4 or 5 years old, I saw either my brothers or my sister get cars for their birthday and wishing that cars were "girl toys too"

2. I liked girly stuff too much.

- I dont have to be a woman ur woman identifying to enjoy traditionally feminine things like glittery stuff, sparkles jewelry, nail polish, longer hair, and cute stuff like stuffed animals and the like. I still enjoy these things and me being trans doesnt have to change that, although I do shy away from it sometimes because I dont want my gender identity to be invalidated or to be misgendered.

3. "You like your boobs too much!!"

- (yes this was a real phrase someone said to me)

ABOUT THAT

I liked how other people liked my breasts, and because other people liked them I kinda went with it because it made me feel attractive to have big honkers on my chest. When it boils down to it I didnt actually like wearing clothes that were revealing or form flattering, and I hated the attention I got from it even more, even when people were around. I assumed this was because of the "women are objectified and sexualized and get assaulted" stuff and I'm sure that was part of it but I'm sure some of it was also dysphoria, but I didnt know enough about gender and gender identity to figure that out at the time.

4. "You didn't show any signs!!"

- On the contrary! When I was a teenager I lost count of how many times I told my girlfriend I wished I was a boy. I remember chopping off all my hair and how stoked I was about it, and how my girlfriend ran her fingers through my hair like "you look like a boy!" I remember finding any excuse I could to dress like a boy even though people make jokes about how I looked like a 12 year old or a 10 year old boy. The signs were all there. Just no one noticed them. Not even me.

But I still had imposter syndrome and its taken a lot for me to get over that. Honestly a lot of it also stemmed from the fact that My sister questioned her identity when she was a teenager. She identified as trans, and wanted a binder, asked us to call her he/him and changed her name. She was like this for about 2 or 3 years. She tried to start Testosterone but never did bc the therapist she was seeing wouldnt help her with it.

What happened? Idk but one day she started using she/her pronouns again, and asked us to use them again for her, now she identifies as a cis lesbian instead of a trans man.

And I was worried I would go through the same thing.

I also had to over come some internalized transphobia and conditioning, which was the result of uneducated cis people and terf rhetoric. It's been a long road. I've grown a lot

I'm a lot more comfortable and confident in my own skin and I know beyond a doubt I'm trans just because of how my heart sinks when I'm deadnamed or misgendered. Theres no doubt in my mind.

But my initial coming out was hard. If it wasnt for my friends I might have gone back into the closet because the 1 person i thought would have been supportive no matter what, wasnt as supportive as I thought theyd be. Without my support circle I probably would have killed myself back in 2018.

Now I feel a lot better about myself than I did then (even if it's not always obvious) I still struggle with mental illness but since transitioning theres one less thing contributing to my depression and insecurity.

#cryptid mumbling #trans tag #suicide mention cw

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rqs902 · 4 years

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wow im like 2 mins into the first round and they’re introducing fruit planet and im already convinced tencent did a better job at making this finale ep than youku did for snzm LOL

oof these questions hit home right away. wow xiao zhi changed a lot to become the leader he is today, someone who wants to see his band grow together. you can tell youzi has done some serious reflecting too, to call himself too unrestrained before. ughhh you can just see how much they love runze and how much he loves them. i love parents. xiao zhi really gave runze the confidence he needed and they all gave qiang ge the encouragement he needed. im surprised the suo na worked as well as it did with the disco song and im so happy to see how happy they were on stage.

LOL muji is the real one to rein in szb and is harsh on him bc he needs it. the way muji says hes not afraid to get on people’s bad side and be the bad guy kinda reminds me of huang enyu

hope hyt and xiao xiong have really learned through their growing pains (same to ljt and szb) does that mean fruit planet is the only group where the main duo’s main fight wasn’t against each other but tencent? lol i cant imagine xiao zhi fighting any of his kids? wow i still find it amazing that zhao ke can so proudly say that 熱帶低壓 was his happiest times in front of the rest of 氣運. like thats legit love he feels for 熱帶低壓 and they respect that. wowowowow hyt’s “i can be strict towards myself, but i gotta let go for them” is like the ultimate lesson for micromanagers and he’s learned to believe in and respect his teammates and not feel like he needs to control everything. good for him.

maybe im just biased but the pitchy-ness of 氣運’s singing (xiao xiong and ma zhe /cough) just bugs me so much ugh it makes me sad bc the song is nice and id like to add it to my playlist otherwise, but i cant listen to this without frowning at the vocals. to be totally transparent, I didnt like the 午睡 song much at all (sorry ljt TT) and disco is not my style (sorry fruit planet) but at least the fruit planet perf was fun. im just kinda disappointed by these perfs in general :\

tencent putting the order as fruit planet first and 午睡 second and 氣運 last is a sign they already know 氣運 is gonna win... bc fruit planet was first place last week but if they go first that puts them at a disadvantage aka no one will be a match for 氣運 lol

lol wat is this intro video.... the plushie fruits hanging from their suits LOL im gonna have to go look up footage of their busking!! watching this second perf... this is a song i will add to my playlist :) i just love seeing xiao zhi jamming out like hes enjoying it from the beginning to end, and i esp like the contrast when wsh switched to his drum set and the part where youzi sang! his vocal tone is such nice contrast to yrz’s. and i love how theyve figured out how to incorporate qiang ge’s suo na into their music. i will say it was kinda messy in terms of runze’s rhythm and they messed up some of the lyrics but for the amount of time they had to prepare im happy with this last perf :’)

aw idk how i feel about ljt voicing that he’d rather do a band than be a soloist... but LOL MUJI a gentle but cruel real talker lol okay. who came up with these intro videos wtf????

OMG I CANT BELIEVE THEYRE DOING “I WILL MISS YOU” ARE THEY ALLOWED TO DO THIS SONG??? omg omg thats such a attack in the feels tho wtf this is such a throwback ugh i still remember this song from when zyx and ljt performed it on the first mrzz and now ljt’s bringing it back? omg but it has so many memories from the first mrzz kids and wow idk how i feel about this. i mean i know its HIS song so he’s perfectly entitled to perform it but its wild bc this song is so mrzz1 its kinda strange to bring it back for mrzz4. like does it feel like the mrzz1 kids are being replaced? or maybe i should take it like ljt is singing it in their honor and bringing it back to where he began. lol like zzn and mby know the lyrics bc theyve performed this song themselves before :’) okay so the beginning was a tiny bit pitchy but ljt is the best singer compared to everyone else!! the way he sings 揮揮手 with such power is so oof and i still just love his vocal timbre. one thing i like about 午睡 in particular is that none of them are trying to fight ljt to be a vocalist, which is unlike the other two group, and i think its nice that he can just be trusted to handle the vocals and it keeps it cleaner bc hes a capable vocalist on his own. im happy to see muji on bass too bc its cool he can be so versatile. LOL LJT introducing everyone in the middle of the song i love him hes so funnn. i will say, the arrangement of the song felt a little frame-heavy? idk if that phrase is the correct way to describe it, but i felt like there wasn’t enough sound filling the song, but jym is really jamming out in the background (im so happy whenever i see a glimpse of his drumming smile) and ljt is carrying with the vocals in the foreground. maybe its just bc im not used to this arrangement so it sounds strange to me. AW ljt going to zzn and mby to get them to singggg and AWWWWW muji running to yingge, sam, tyler, ruiyang they look soooo happy to hug him aawwwwwwww i love roommateesssss and also i still see them as this crowd of misfits who dont really fit in but can find solace in each other. can you imagine what wouldve happened if 太空餐廳 had stayed in this race? wild, i feel like they couldve made it to the end too. LOL ljt really treating this like a finale on a concert, such a pro LOL. OMG IM SO HAPPY TO SEE MAOMAO TALKING AND LJT TALKING BACK, i looove their friendshippppp awwww

wait i just had a random thought, but are the clothes they’re wearing like their own clothes? bc some of these 氣運 kids have a flashy wardrobe if so LOL

omg xiao li’s written 78 songs for 氣運????? LOL CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE INTRO VIDEOS BC 氣運 ‘S WAS SO NICE WTF HAHAHAHHA its so biased???? like wtf were the first 2 intro videos nonsense, and then you get to 氣運 ‘s and theirs is all artistic and pretty and dramatic and nice???? what???? hahahhahaha oh my goodness they even shipped hyt a drum set in the middle of a freaking grassy field wtf

okay i honestly think xiao li is the best singer in 氣運, maybe im biased but even he started a tiny bit pitchy but he adjusted quickly and his voice is just so nice and he puts a lot of care into his vocals even while playing piano!

unrelated to the music, but honestly i thought i liked xiao li with short hair better but i do like the bangs he has framing his face here. i just prefer the back of it to not be so long LOL

WOW i said all that about xiao li’s voice before xiao xiong started singing (and i immediately wished xiao li would sing again.. oops sorry to xiao xiong, but he gets off key easily when singing soft and low contrast pitches) and then xiao li SANG THE CHORUS AND WOW his voice is so nice i like it so much!!! i really hope he feels satisfied with this perf, as its their last perf and hes said before that he couldnt face their songs straight-on yet. wow i just have to go back and listen to him sing the chorus again wow the way his voice sounded on "傷心" OOF.

what is zhao ke looking at when he raps? lol i feel like hes always looking off in a random direction but maybe im just not remembering correctly. but also the vocal effects they put on his mic make it hard to understand what he’s saying? but he also sounds like he has an accent. I dont know much about zhao ke like where he’s from or anything, but im curious if thats just bc of the vocal effects or he actually has an accent.

UGH im sorry but then xiao xiong starts singing again and hes still off key and im still cringing..... i mean id noticed he was pitchy in previous episodes but this episode seems particularly noticeable?? im not sure if its bc they did any autotuning in the past but idk xiao xiong’s kinda not doing so great today :\ also the transition from zhao ke’s rap to xiao xiong’s singing was weird??? okay xiao xiong is fine once he starts projecting and puts more strength behind his voice, and then his vocal color is pretty nice! but prior to that....

lol am i think only one who thought it was weird that they recorded the guitar solo instead of having someone play it live? was it xiao li that played it on the recording? also zhao ke outside of rapping is basically a accompanying bass vocalist at this point lol

im happy to see hyt being so happy jamming out back there, but his drum set is legit WILD.

i know xiao li isn’t super popular but i wish people could acknowledge that 氣運 would be nothing without him. ugh he does so much for their music and sound, look at how much he was involved with in the credits for this song gosh.

thank you to nana for voting for fruit planet, even tho we could kinda guess she would. but honestly not voting /cough/ is basically voting for 氣運, because everyone knows theyre gonna win the popular vote sooooo

XIAO ZHI IS A TOTAL DAD NAMING HIS KIDS, staking his claim to xiao xiong, runze and tyler L O L its cute that he told them they dont need to grow up

also can we talk about how xiao zhi said fruit planet wouldnt be here without youzi.... yooo their friendship is so real

LOL xiao li yelling at hyt REPEATEDLY that hes a flamingo LOL

im really torn about his hair length, still thinking about whether i actually like it.....

these are the superficial side thoughts that are going on in my head as i watch this show, yes.

OOF qianye saying qiang ge is 優秀, not just his suo na aww i love seeing qiang ge laughing at pengpeng’s yelling at him and getting all this love and encouragement bc it feels like its taken him a while to open up but im glad he really seems to have

i like this yelling segment, will have to go look for more clips of it

wow this last performance really giving a visual demonstration of the group splitting is kinda sad for 銀河 bc they dont get to show up until the very end and theyre not even one of the last groups standing oof but also gives you a visual representation of how it’s been especially difficult for qiang ge, muji, and zhao ke, and also the others who had to go through group splitting.

muji and sam smiling at each other at the end is all i need to see to smile.

LOL ZZN’S WELCOME TO WJJW IM CRYINNGGGG rip

aw im kinda surprised (but not) that fruit planet came in third loll what can i expect from tencent. but also its nice but also sad to see them cheering for themselves. i think they knew they wouldnt win but i think they deserved better

lol the fact that they had a banner for 氣運, and 氣運 won by like a HUGE margin, lol everyone already knew who would win

lol can we just talk about how all the kids and teachers are just like in their own world talking and hugging behind the kids giving their winning speeches LOL they give no effs to this live broadcast LOL

LOL IS THERE ANOTHER EPISODE NEXT WEEK BASICALLY?

LOL THE THIRD ANNOUNCEMENT IS LITERALLY A PLUG FOR MAOMAO’S CONCERT HAHAHHAHAHHA THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH 氣運, BUT OKAY HAHAHAH

well its over. now i can go watch the recording of yingge’s livestream from sunday without fear of spoilers LOL

honestly looking back, this was a good show. i started it not really thinking id get invested bc i was also simultaneously watching snzm and since snzm is an idol show i knew id naturally get more invested in that. BUT these mrzz kids have really grown on me. theyre good kids and theres lots of talented kids among them. im curious how wjjw will deal with having 3(?) bands to promote now, but who knows, im just hoping to see more of fruit planet, ljt, and xiao li’s music in the future. i went into this show for ljt, and i came out of it with more music on my playlist (which is always great) and a high appreciation for xiao zhi and xiao li. hoping to see more of them in the future!

#rants #i appreciate how much this show focused on their bonds and friendships as groups #cant help but wonder whats next for these kids but im looking out for xiao zhi and xiao li and of course liao juntao :)#FRUIT PLANET BEST GROUP

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wanderrlex · 7 years

Text

Things to know about The Philippines

Hi guys! So I thought that the first major article I write should be about my trip to Manila and what I learned during the weeks I was there. The Philippines are a very diverse and exciting place, and I think it’s hard to make any generalizations about the culture of a country made up on 7,500 islands-- but I’m gonna try anyway! I had the time of my life while I was there and want to encourage everyone to consider the Philippines when planning a trip to South East Asia! So here it goes:

1. Karaoke is God

Filipinos LOVE Karaoke, an activity rumored to have been invented by a Filipino (or so the locals say), that I think needs no introduction. There are Karaoke bars everywhere, karaoke machines in restaurants/laundromats/hotel lobbies/general stores/EVEN IN CARS. Seriously. We rented a van to take on a weekend trip and the van had a karaoke plug in installed in the car. It’s incredibly fun, except if you live above a Karaoke bar like I did. Hearing young girls passionately butcher Kelly Clarkson songs until the early AM is a torture I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.

2. You will gain weight, and you will have fun doing it

It should go without saying, but Filipino food is incredible. Amazing. Life changing. In the 5 weeks I was there I gained 10 pounds, no shame. I could and probably will write an article just on Filipino food alone. Most traditional dishes are based around rice and a protein, like chicken or fish or pork. Some things I tried that blew me away were Turon (fried crepe with banana, sweet potato, or other fillings), milk fish, adobo (all kinds), lumpia (spring roll type thing), chicken Afritada, halo halo (a korean dessert loved by filipinos), biko (sweet sticky rice, often served wrapped in grass husks) and lots more. Almost every restaurant you visit will have side dishes of vinegar and calamansi next to the napkins on the table, try both on everything. Calamansi is a small, bitter fruit that resembles a tiny lime.

In urban areas, you will find a lot of American style food, lots of Burger Kings/Mcdonalds/KFC’s/Jolly Bee’s- a largely successful filipino fast food chain. There are plenty of korean BBQ places as well, and honestly Korean BBQ changed my life. Most of them are all you can eat too, a phrase that is reversed to “Eat all you can” at most places in this country. Starbucks are also common place, but if you get the chance to try filipino coffee you should. There is a kind of coffee called Kopi Luwak, or Civet coffee, that is made in remote areas of the Philippines where monks will feed cats coffee, then harvest their droppings and use that to brew their drink. Yeah, you read that correctly. Cat poop coffee. Its a thing.

Try everything green tea favored, especially the kit kats. SO MUCH BETTER THAN NORMAL KIT KATS. Also try Queso Ice cream (cheesecake like flavor), Ube (purple sweet potato), and pretty much all desserts.

As far as street food goes, there are some things that I stayed away from. Balut is a delicacy that is consumed all over Asia, its a bird fetus inside an egg. Not my thing. Another delicacy is deep fried day old chicks, feathers and all, also not my thing. Other than that, the street food is amazing. Buko juice, or coconut juice, is sold everywhere and totally delicious- the perfect drink on a scorching island day. Be advised, not all street vendors are honest about where they get their meat or what kind of meat they are serving.

3. Pet the strays!!!

I made a mission to pet every stray cat or dog I could and let me just tell you, I only met like two mean stray animals my whole time there. This is partially because Filipinos treat pets very different than how Americans do. Many animals are treated as independent parts of the community, and specific ownership of cats and dogs is less common. It’s actually pretty cool, and because of this a lot of the strays are used to human interaction and though dirty, really nice. So pet the strays. Just wash your hands after.

4. Pretty much everyone speaks English

English is the second national language of the Philippines, and pretty much anyone with a scholastic education speaks it. English is everywhere, especially in urban and touristy areas. Don’t worry about not being able to communicate, 99% of the time someone around you will speak fluent English and will be more than willing to help translate things for you. The native tongue, Tagalog, is a really cool language with lots of english and spanish aspects in it.

5. You are Po, he is Po, they’re all Po, EVERYONE IS PO

“Hello-po” “Salamat-po” “Thank you-po” “Bye-po”

Po is a sign of respect that gets added at the end of words and phrases. Use it! It’s an easy way to be polite to the locals and incorporate some culture into your language.

6. For the most part, it is a VERY safe country

One of the biggest concerns I had before arriving was safety. American media likes to portray (for political reasons) this country as unsafe, and I think its a load of BS. Yes, the southern islands are very different than the north and central. If anything, the only real threats to safety are in Mindanao, which isn’t a very popular tourist or traveled area anyway. There isn’t a lot of crime, thanks to capitol punishment still being used by the government. The men are extremely respectful, like shockingly. I was the only white person in my volunteer group, and I went 3 weeks without seeing a single other white person- my point is that I stuck out everywhere I went. The men would stare a little longer than normal but the only things they would said to me were “hello ma’am” or “what is your name?”. Seriously. Not a single cat call or disrespectful interaction. I traveled alone pretty often and never once felt threatened. Just be aware of your surroundings and don’t be stupid.

7. It’s cheap, but not as cheap as you’d think

The current exchange rate is 49 Philippino pesos per 1 USD. Rural areas are a lot cheaper than urban ones, and Manila prices are pretty much equivalent to american ones. I spent wayyyy more than I thought I would, but I was living in central Manila near universities. Most personal services are much cheaper there, like massages/hair/nails/etc. I got an hour long massage for 600 PHP, which is close to $12 USD. I also got my eyebrows microbladed for around $100 USD, and they look amazing. Most hotels range from around 800 PHP a night to 2,000 PHP a night. So just do your research! I found a seven hour boat tour of Puerto Princesa for like $20 USD, it’s rad.

8. The fake bag industry is a blessing

In north eastern Manila, there is a mall called Green Hills, where you can find every designer you can dream. Every bag, every shoe, every belt, everything. And most items are under $100. The catch? The items are fake, but its next to impossible to tell on a lot of them. It is rumored that the high end fake bags even receive excess leather and materials from the designers themselves.

9. Manila Traffic is the worst traffic you will ever see

Manila, being the most populated city on planet, has a lot of traffic issues. Driving in the Philippines is driving to survive, I felt like. I have really bad anxiety in cars and I would just stick my head between my knees and talk to God during most drives. For short distances, walking is better than driving. Short being under 5 miles. Jeepneys are a very common form of public transit, also very cheap transit, but pretty confusing to try and figure out. I was there five weeks and still don’t understand jeepneys.

10. Download the “Grab Car” app before you go

SO, because transport is confusing, use Uber and Grabcar. The Grab car app is awesome, better than uber I think because if traffic is bad (it always is) they don’t charge you extra. It’s also used a lot more than Uber because of that reason. You can negotiate with Grab Car drivers too for longer trips, I got from Manila to Tagaytay for like $15 USD (740 PHP) several times!

Alright guys. That’s all I can think of for now. I know that was a lot of info, so if you have questions or want me to elaborate on anything just shoot me a message! Keep in mind, different islands have very different cultural standards and so I think keeping an open mind and observing eye is a good skill to develop- and that applies to all traveling.

#manila #philippines #travel #travel blog #travel tips #manila travel #philippines travel #luzon #palawan #filipino #bylex

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chelsanitys · 7 years

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anon post

for all 3 of my fans

i live for ur wit and sass

thx n same

Dont fuck with the best! Kate works hard to get the craziest anons to post in her yard, and I've got nothing but respect. There's no fan in the fandom as genuine and earnest as she is. Wishing her and her cats a long and healthy life!

lmao yall need to quit

you've probably answered this already but what do you think will give vm the best shot at the OG?

a good short dance + a good free dance + gui missing the catch-foot on his twizzle again

Are you taking the bar exam this summer?

no i just finished my first yr

I will cry if T&S end up together, They would be a horrible match. Surely I'm not the only one who sees this??

i am ashamed that this is the level of trollin i get. step up ur game!!

"i hope tessa marries semple so i can see all the shippers cry tbh" Poor Alex! Marrying him would probably restore his self confidence and prompt a return to the cfl! Still holding out hope!

honestly alex was the hottest of all her bfs. fedor is balding, has a dad bod n is wearing khakis on the beach now. and semple was always fug. also rl talk i didnt know canada had its own football league until this guy came around. thats so cute for canada

"i hope tessa marries semple so i can see all the shippers cry tbh" I want her with the Bitove guy. His family looks like the type that will post tons about them on sm afterward.

lmao yall know his grandfather started the toronto raptors?? i knew this brodie’s last name sounded familiar. also apparenty he and his fam golf at trump’s resort @ mar-a-lago VOM. tessa is 500% going to end up with a smarmy, filthy rich trust fund kid like him like its not even a question

Hey now. I want shippers to get overthemselves, too, but Tessa marrying Semple, god no. Basically, Tessa, open your eyes and save yourself.

lol i actually wish she was still dating him so all this mindless speculation rn would stop

Bitter and hateful is what I come here for. Anons should just fuck off and go to the Disney website if that's what they want.

vm fans are so damn soft n sensitive about everything lol, i rly wish some of yall would stop taking everything i say so seriously

Please come back, without your snark the fandom is controlled by the most delusional shippers.

i’ll post more when there r actually things 2 talk about. being around here when nothing is happening and ur all screaming into a vacuum about the same things over and over is like being institutionalized in a loony bin

why are you always up so late?

nhf for this east coast bias, it is a perfectly reasonable time in california

Which of the current/rising juniors do you see making tbe most impact next quad?

carreira/ponomarenko are going to win a olympic medal in 2022. even if the shibs, h/d and bock don’t retire, i see them easily rising through the pack - they just have the Look and aren’t without talent. i’m iffy on the rest - mcnamara/carpenter are too creepy and weird, parsons have no height difference and are siblings, both are coached by an unproven staff, everyone else are varying levels of mediocre. hawayek/baker will go to worlds 2018 if they’re lucky and prob never again if no one else retires.

i wouldn't take h/d's music choices as an indicator of what vm will have. they are the c team and vm are the a team in that camp. look at last season... h/d got stuck with marie-france's lame ass idea of the evolution of music and vm got prince.

true..... altho i think personal taste is important too. tessa would die b4 she ever approved an ‘evolution of dance’ sd

I want Tessa to steal Fedor back from Meryl. All that drama would be hilarious. Fedor lost his looks and is butt ugly now so he is exactly Tessa's type, even more so than in 2009.

i nvr thought he was that cute but he literally looks like he goes door to door selling pool cleaner now

I noticed that when Tessa shakes hands or kisses someone on the cheek (like during medal ceremony or interviews) Scott often puts a hand on her lower back even though there had not been any physical contact between the two of them before said handshake or kiss. It just always surprises me and I'm not sure I understand why he'd do this. What's your take on it ?

lmao ik u want me 2 say its bc his subconscious is screaming out in jealousy and he wants to covertly claim her and show the world she still belongs to him but i rly think they r just touchy ppl who like to touch. or hes makin sure she doesnt lose balance and fall off the podium as she’s leanin over

moulin rouge would've been a much cooler choice in 11/12 for their musical fd instead of funny face, but i don't see them doing it for their olympic fd. it's a bit tacky and overdone. i figure they'd want to do something that's a little bit more special and unique then that.

ia it wouldnt have been a bad filler fd for an off year. i just dont see it doing it for their Last Ever and for the olympics. its such a warhorse - what could they possibly say with it thats original? and its such a character piece - they r such overly emo, earnest ppl, i dont think they’d want to do something that different from themselves for their Last Ever.

huh what, vm don't stand a chance against moonlight sonata?? Pls... that would be a flop, such an overused piece of music everywhere, it's like Für Elise - hearing the first notes of it makes me vomit in my mouth a little

ya bc no one’s ever won a gold medal skating to a warhorse before

it sounds more believable to me than vm and moulin rouge tho

What interpretation? PC will just float around. They can do that in any key and judges will eat it up.

true, gui gui is a demon

No way. The judges will think they're watching Gordeeva/Grinkov again and just hand the gold to them immediately.

remember when pc said they didnt even know who torvill and dean and g/g were lmao

If scott doesn't cut his disgusting gutter frat boy hair I'm renouncing my Canadian citizenship and moving 2 Peru

was legit lookin @ pics from autumn classic n skate canada and i cant believe how short his hair was then, i can not believe i was complainin so much. i am honestly such a whiny bitch lmao this is my punishment

i have mixed feelings because Prince is the best short dance of VM's career so far but then Latch was one of the worst lol. It dragged in a lot of areas, especially the middle, and it never felt complete. I don't hate it by any means but considering we only had 2 free dances left and that was one of them... :| so I'm torn between trusting MF, and then thinking she's one misguided song choice away from ruining VM's swan song.

the thought of mf picking out the music for vm’s last ever fd makes me kind of sad. like yall have no ideas? at all?? ur relying on instagram suggestions and mf’s adult lite fm spotify playlists for inspiration? im surprised n disappointed tbh, like they arent kids anymore, i thought they would take more ownership of their careers.

but idk we’ll see. whenever i complain a lot, i usually like their material later lol

why do i feel like vm are gonna come out in their sd with despacito... the justin bieber version...

ok who is this person who keeps sending me despacito questions?? you sound like you want it to happen more than anyone else and are trying to will it into existence

It's funny because Tessa is SO cautious about everything she/they say, that she comes off/is rehearsed--I don't understand why she cares so much. They are not politicians or even super famous. Plus most people who watch (excluding Tumblr fans bc they're all extra) watch during high times like Worlds and Olympics. Most people don't watch interviews and press conferences. If they do watch one, it's usually only the fun "game" interviews or the mainstream ones like etalk which they are not tons of

idk what this is in reference to but ok lol. it prob matters to her bc its her life and she cares bc its happening to her? just spitballin here

Oh no what has Max Trankov said I'm scared to know now. If he's a Trump fan I might have to #nopeout lol he’s russian and a male chauvinist pig. he once said he wouldnt do a quad with tati until she had a baby for him...”and then maybe we try”

still gonna stan his trash ass to the end of time tho

Speaking of bad music cuts I could not stand the way HD's music was cut this year. Like I like all the songs they used individually but it just felt so weirdly put together like the songs didn't flow well into the next. The only part I liked was the last part with earned it.

really? i thought earned it was the part that seemed completely out of step with the first 2 pieces of music. the transition was way off and the tempo was so much faster than the other 2

The Facebook q&a is the first time I felt vm are actually compatible enough to be a couple.

should’ve published this steaming hot take when u sent it a month ago bc i have no idea what this is in reference to now

what do you look like?

tired mostly

haha funny how we went from vm are in a relationship to they hate each other.

dont ‘we’ me bitch i have nothing to do with this fandom’s daily emotional yo-yo-ing

Can you explain the Tessa/Kaitlyn Weaver friendship? Are they really friends? Kaitlyn seems like the kind of girl Tessa would make fun of behind her back.

more like kaitlyn weaver is tracy flick and is trying to bring down everyone in her path tbh

I get a bit of a superiority, cold vibe with Tessa, don't you?

no but i dont have self esteem issues

I think people who find Tessa cold and snobby do not get her at all. Yes, she is far from perfect and her feminism is all (...) but to call her cold and unfeeling means you haven't been paying attention at all. Like get off her dick and/or stop following her career.

i dont think shes cold either. standoffish maybe, but i dont feel like thats from superiority or aloofness. some ppl just want to mind their own business and chill?? not everyone’s a chatty cathy like scott

Music stresses me out. The only thing I've gathered from all of the various discussions is they should be exciting but not too exciting because it's an Olympic season. But they shouldn't also be too safe. Like I know you have mentioned various choices that would be good but what would be in your mind the ideal program, both SD and FD. It's their third Olympics, so how do they build on the past while still being fresh but also them. Or do they just not and give the audience what they want?

something original thats not a warhorse but is also audience friendly and is instantly musically palatable to a lot of ppl

so basically mahler

Which songs from moulin rouge should they use?

if they were doing mr (which i doubt), the orchestral score is 500x better than the cheesy ass nonsense from the soundtrack. like come what may with nicole kidman’s tremulous bird vocals and ewan mcgregor literally straining not to pop a vein would almost be too dramatic and Too Much. i think that kind of thing only works for a v specific kitschy, performative kind of team (a la russians) and wouldnt vibe with vm’s super earnest approach at all. but the orchestral score is genuinely moving and effective in a less garish way

but i dont think they’re doing moulin rouge lol

"the movies honestly made it hard 4 me to interpret hermione’s undying loyalty and devotion to harry as anything other than latent sexual attraction tbh lmao" Hahaha, pretty much. Plus, the whole Harry and Ginny thing, even more so in the movies, seemed to come out of nowhere and was cliche as fuck.

is bonnie wright still acting? i’ve seen dead fish more alive than her on screen

LMAO someone posted a clip from VM's show when they were having dinner with WP and they were talking about how WP live together and they ask VM how they deal with one another and LOL I stg I started loling cause their reactions were #priceless. S literally just had a WTF look on his face while he said something hella awkward & T looked like she wanted to slap him. Her follow up that she doesn't think they could ever spend all their time together just cements why they'll never date for me.

lmao that whole scene is so stupid. kaitlyn n andrew r such good friends i swear

Thanks for setting that anon straight. Set some boundaries so that they don't egg on shippers?? WTF. They're fine with doing what they're doing, and if they're dating others, those others are obviously fine with it too. Besides, it's not like they're filming porn or something. If you can't handle it, stop watching them.

idek what these r in reference to anymore but it sounds dumb as hell lmao

Wow I cannot believe that people actually think VM owe fans any explanation for their relationship/partnership. Like we don't know them, we're never going to know them or be friends with them? Why the fuck do they owe fans a detailed explanation of their personal business? I stg these shippers have lost their damn minds. As long as VM continue to put out good programs and do well I couldn't care less what they're doing off ice. Whatever it is it's clearly working for them. You do you VM.

the entitlement of some fans is insane. its STILL happening now with tessa’s ig now too. why dont yall just let her live n let her white-girl post to her hearts content. she is literally doing nothing differently to what every other skater does, idg this absurd criticism

Fr tho both of them have such nice teeth and I've never seen pics of them with braces, like how??!?!

tessa’s r so nice i cant believe she’s never had braces. and they r such a natural white? like u can tell w most skaters that they get it professionally whitened but hers dont have that artificial look at all

Are you in college? Your bio says 23 but it said that last year too.

i actually turned 24 a while ago im just 2 lazy to change it. im in law school currently

I just read an ancient interview with vm where they said Mahler was about getting married or something... WHAT

ya i cant remember if it was them that said or marina that said it tho. i remember a story about a guy who wrote them saying he and his gf were watching mahler at the olympics and once it was over, he was so moved he got down on one knee and proposed to her and marina was like ‘thats what that program is meant to do’ lol

Do you think Zach is a good skater and partner? I keep changing my mind on him.....

he is such a bland, wet noodle - no taste, no flavor, just empty white carbs. its up to madi to add any spark to the team bc she’s the real star, he just stands there and is tall and can lift her

Why the fuck are so many people freaking out because Tessa did not attend a wedding with Scott. 1. They are not dating so there are no reason for Scott to bring her. 2. She has people visiting 3. I bet they don't even hang out off ice 4. I think Scott has a secret girl in Ilderton. 5. TS not dating. I wish people would claim down.

this is so far back in my inbox i have no idea whats happening

I love it that whenever Tessa posts an IG story the fandom goes crazy analyzing and speculating about Scott what there even when he is clearly not Then there there are talks about TS wedding. WTF Soon it will be TS having babies. I am wondering if maybe the fandom (new fans) are mixing reality with those fanfics.

honestly no clue

I know this has been discussed before but I don't get how Scott and Jess even communicated. Jess could barely seem to understand English back then and Scott couldn't speak French. I wonder if them not being able to speak to each other is part of why they lasted so long actually

lol bryce davison actually learned french so he could communicate w/ her. not scott tho lol

I don't think T cares too much about fs friendships the way other skaters do. Of course she's friendly with a lot of them but she's not really close with anyone except her partner, which doesn't really count lol. She has her own friend group outside of skating and that's what she seems to stick to. It's funny you mention Meryl, Brooke, Tanith, and Lauren because they're all still really good friends.

honestly i think skating stressed (stresses?) her out so much back then that she really hated being in that world for too long. i dont blame her for wanting to disconnect and not having to hang out with skaters who just talk about other skaters and skating 24/7

I don't mean this in a mean way. Watching Avatar. If you paint Meryl's face blue she could be in the movie

it kills me when ppl say she looks like a disney princess? ya the ant queen from a bugs life maybe

I think Tessa sometimes forget that Scott is a huge part of why they are successful and she wouldn't have all of these deals w amazing brands if they weren't so strong+didn't win everything. it's easy to put her on the pedestal bc she's gorg and can dance, but he should get/deserves just as much credit-- i mean he is the one lifting her and she could not do any of this by herself. sometimes i get the vibe that she thinks she's too good for him. maybe he's not as fancy, but he has a heart of gold

i’ve literally never gotten that she thinks she’s too good for him...? they go out of their way to pay each other compliments all the time and dont even jokingly diss on each other. its actually kind of weird that after knowing each other so long their relationship isnt just one long roast section where they talk shit about each other bc thats what my relationship w/ all my lifelong friends r like....but then again im a flinty bitch and they’re super earnest and emo like all the time. like i bet they both cry during sex

i find it kinda gross, disturbing and a bit pathetic that so many people feel the need to write erotic fan fiction about Tessa and Scott--like they are real people not characters, and it's kinda creepy that people spend so much time writing and reading them. Also, i would pay a million dollars to have someone show TS what people write about them--they would literally die and so would i--some fans are kinda extreme crazy

u know how on graham norton when he’s always showing celebs really erotic fanfic and fanart of themselves and they’re just dying of embarrassment?? i would literally pay everything in my bank account (so like....twenty dollars) for someone to do that to vm

omg it's gonna be so awk when tessa and scott have to see klawes...poor klawes, she just could not hold a candle to tessa. still don't know why klawes still follows tessa's insta--like i would unfollow and would not wanna see some of the pics t posts of TS giving each other lovey looks/touchy regardless of whether ts are together or not. also, it's never like t and klawes would actually be friends bc they're polar opposites

v disappointed that the olympic summit did not deliver on this #drama

tessa and kl were real friends tho, i think its sweet. and its nice they still keep in touch even tho scott is a dog

Are you a fan of tessa's style? She wears so much expensive yet ugly shit in my opinion.

lmao no. i think some of her casual wear is cute, but she wears some of the most hideous high fashion shit ever when she’s going out. like that blue carpet jumpsuit? yall know wht im talking about. those hideous trousers??? also she wears an unbelievable amount of boring black dresses

also gf needs to do smth with her hair. tired of her high bun and slick pony. she looks way cuter w/ her hair down imo

Do you think Tessa pays for all the Adidas stuff she wears?

no she def gets it for free. i was a walk-on my freshman yr of college for half a second and even i got a bunch of free shit from nike

How do u as an ed sheeran unstanner feel about ts doing these songs their obviously using him for the sd next season and i wouldnt be suprised if they use him for the fd as well

reading this made my cholesterol go up

really hope they're exhausting all the ed sheeran options now so they won't actually use it for comps lol

ngl i do kind of dig that embarrassing white boy rapping galway girl song but that cld prob just be my girl saorise ronan hypnotizing me like she always does

Minus the horrific man bun, do you think Scott's hot? Also, do you think Tessa finds him attractive?

no and probably yes now that hes so fug

Do you think Scott's attractive?? Also, do you think Tessa being told she's beautiful constantly on sm has made her get a big head--she often comes across as a bit cold and stuck up prancing around in her $1000 + outfits? Love her and she's gorgeous but...

some of yall need to stop projecting your shit onto tessa for real

Power plays of the figure skating journalists. Inside Skating does a very literal interview and article with P/C which blows up and then they go to Jackie Wong so he can basically write up a damage control press release. Kind of fascinating to see both journalists doing their thing with the same content. Hard to believe Inside Skating didn't think their article would create a storm. Interesting.

speaking of jackie, skaters r really going to him for their exclusives now huh? dying that ashley gave him her big la la land fluff piece instead of tsl. pays 2 be nice and kiss ass

Doesn't look like KH/JLB will have much of a chance to advance cuzis so crowded with the current seniors not retiring and juniors moving up. KH/JLB needs to work on their twizzles, thier lines, skating skills, chemistry looks promising. Some of those junior and senior teams should consider representingif they want a chance at aCanada doesn't have any promising teams once VM-WP retire. I feel like CB, SS, HD ain't retiring till they win Wch or OG which may never with PC around.

hawayek/baker could prob skate for gb because jean-luc has citizenship and carreira/ponomarenko could prob skate for canada bc she’s from montreal but i doubt the us fed is letting either of them go. they’ve invested way too much at this point. i don’t think c/p need to move tho, i think they’re talented to rise organically through the ranks. i think they’re more likely to be us #1 instead of not tbh

I don't understand the whole David and Tessa affair; like some people say it happened after he was separated and others talk like it was a full blown affair. The only thing I do know is that her being called a "homewrecker" or anything else of that nature makes me want to punch something because it's disgusting, and it's society go-to response. Be cruel to the woman and basically give the man a free pass. But maybe he received shit, too? I just never heard about it.

i think he was basically separated but not divorced when it happened

Do you think if TS and Cappelini and Lanotte switched partners they would be a good team?

lol no. anna’s not a great skater and luca looks like he’s shorter than tessa

Wait is that Tessa's ex Semple in that photo you posted of her pre and post nose job? Cause if so damn does she lowball herself. Like she could have such better looking guys I do not understand. Girl is very pretty she needs someone to help her pick better guys.

~we accept the love we think we deserve~~

I think T is cringeworthy as a speaker bc she's sooo gd rehearsed. Not a things she says comes across like she didn't practice it in the bathroom mirror 75 times that morning. She would be pretty good if she could lose even half the pretension in her delivery and tossed out the eye rolly words she keeps littering the sentences with like privilege and journey.

they honestly both suck. she’s worse than he is, but they’re both super stiff. and they always do this forced banter bit at the start which just seems so awkward lol

That one anon pointing that some have denied the nose surgery - this is exactly what annoys me about those shipper blogs, not that they are shippers (you can want them two to be together- that by itself doesn't bother me), but their ways and how they always have to insist on vm's perfect image - they all get so upset and aggressive when you point some issue out, like why would you deny Tessa has done a nose job... so out of touch! vm are interesting exactly cause they're real people with flaws

i can not believe ppl r denying her nose job. like yo its right there. it does lend credence to my theory that all shipprs r just hallucinating n seeing things that arent there tho

If Tessa and Scott did hook up while officially with SOs I have a feeling they wouldn't consider it cheating.

ok lmao??? im sure something extremely profound i said provoked this

how rich do u think scott and tessa are???

prob millionaires by the time 2018 comes around if they get their sponsorships

i might do part 2 later if i can be bothered... but nothing really makes sense out of context lol, its like watching charlie kaufman do slam poetry

#Anonymous #vm #fs

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byjove-cannibalcove · 7 years

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I would like to see a sort of phantom-of-the-opera themed fic, where Will works for the opera, not as one of the singers, but in the orchestra pit.

(long stream-of-thought summary of the story below)

Will is a very good player, and the orchestra MOSTLY likes one another, so everything is technically very stable where he stands, better yet that he has no aspirations to first-chair (which is more like being class president than anything, everyone in your section looks to you for queues and to match energy, it isn't actually a rockshow type thing) so technically he is quietly doing his thing. Very talented and stable, but not a magically amazing perfect player. He has earned his place and he doesn't show off.

But there is a newer guy, put into the pit because he’s the nephew of the new theatre owner. He is not amazing. He’s not the WORST either, but he tries to show off when he should be harmonizing, he plays too loud, and his bow transitions aren't as smooth as they could be. It is really only noticeable to the other violin players, the audience isn’t going to pick up on it, so they just grin and bear it.

Not always, but often, there is something like a ball in the front after a show. The rich patrons get to meet the singers, or the orchestra, whatever, and attendance is more or less mandatory. In the latest of these, Will meets Hannibal, who is very new to the area, had always made it a poitn to donate to theatres, but has only come to a few showings so far. Will cant quite fathom why, of EVERYONE at this party, Hannibal would zero-in on the man that most clearly does not want to be there, but fine.

There is a bit where they shake hands and Hannibal turns Will’s hand over and says ‘i see you are one of the strings’. (technically that's lefthanded, lets say Will was caught off guard and was holding a drink)

Will is surprised, says yes, he’s one of the violins.

Hannibal seems... pained... Asks if he is new and when Will says he has been here for a few years, Hannibal relaxes.

Will points out that he can tell Hannibal is a chef from the callouses on HIS fingers, and Hannibal is clearly pleased, though he of course corrects him.

They talk a bit, Hannibal is casually asking about the theatre itself, who works there, the management, the actors, the orchestra. It's a nice conversation, honestly, Hannibal has actual questions and seems to know what he’s asking about, it’s not just mindless ‘i wish I could play an instrument but its too hard, i have a life, unlike you hahah’ type of chatter.

Will to point out the newest member of the strings, jokingly telling him that Hannibal now knows more about the theatre than the owners kid, “too bad YOU don’t play”

Hannibal plays a little, but not violin unfortunately.

The conversation is very mild, and the next weekend he sees Hannibal again, socializing a bit more, but a smile does pass between them at least, Will leaves early i bet after that exact ‘you must have no life outside of violin haha’ joke happens (which is technically true).

It is a complete surprise when, a week or two later, the (many) people who sleep at the theater come downstairs to the body of the new violinist, strung up from the rafters like a marionette, they might not have noticed if not for the pool of blood.

The police naturally are of no help, because this is the 1800s, it basically comes down to asking all the violinists if they had a grudge, getting overly aggressive with a few ,then deciding it was probably more to do with his wealthy father.

The very superstitious people are now acting like anything odd in the theatre must be the ghost of the violinist, and SOME of them think a ghost killed him. Its a lot of nonsense, but they are all artists and theater people so OF COURSE it goes to their heads, they start coming up with more and more dramatic stories, until nearly everyone superstitious (aka nearly everyone) is now in a PANIC over it. Will snaps at a few people over it, but honestly everyone is snapping at everyone so it is hardly noticed.

They are preparing for a new show and one of the dancers trips. It happens occasionally but they all FLIP and start saying she was shoved. A few of the actors are in hysterics over this, one of the singers passes out. They call for the theatre doctor (that was a thing, lots of people there and lots of injuries) (would this be chilton?) he comes, but also comes Hannibal! Will is strangely thrown off by this, he hadn’t really expected to meet him outside of those parties, or possibly ever again. Chilton probably starts condescendingly telling the female performers to all calm down, talks about hysteria, mass panic (which is true) but he's really shitty about it. Hannibal tends to the singer and calms her down, is really sweet and gentle in a way that will clearly have her falling for him. He might say something like ‘even if nothing but their fear is attacking them, yelling at them won't steady their hearts’

Will naturally does not fall for him (not even a little bit, even if he is totally charmed and okay maybe he fell a LITTLE) but he is invited for dinner at Hannibal's somehow and rides in a carriage with him and possibly even helps make dinner, i dont know. Hannibal maybe hasnt hired a maid yet and said his house is lonely.

They probably do NOT kiss, because 1800s, but that atmosphere is THICK

More accidents are happening at the opera because of panic and the fucking owner tells the audience they are haunted (either sincerely, in a ‘forgive us if it isn’t perfect tonight’ or a ‘isnt this exciting?’ way. Probably the first since his sons dead). This panics the backstage people MORE, the dancers tumble, the singers miss notes, its a MESS, Will cant help but laugh at it. (secretly, in the audience, Hannibal is amused too, he had not expected this performance to go well after all, and it was more a comedy story anyways)

Hey guess who is one of the set designers? Hobb! Hey did you know his daughter was the singer that passed out earlier?

Do you wonder if Hobbs would kill a few of the other singers to move her up the hierarchy a little bit, disguising it as either a ghost or the original killer? I am 100% sure he would do that, actually, but that's just me.

(Abigail is “little angel of music that could” but actually she isn’t nearly good enough to be top-billing, but TOO BAD Hobbs is going to kill his way up the ranking anyways. Lots of the workers are going to quit, but nope, he’s just-a-killin’ left and right, she’s going to be a STAR)

Will is subtly investigating these murders because it ISN’T A GOD DAMNED GHOST and possibly even getting Hannibal (who he is definitely in love with but won't let himself touch because Laws) to help him out on occasion. Will notices the pattern of Abigail always moving up, but technically it could be any one of a couple lower-ranking girls, he only notices Abigail really because it happens TWICE and her dad works there and doesn't seem worried for her.

He tells Hannibal, since he isn’t sure what to do with this since its basically just a feeling and the police probably won't listen (lets say he has a reputation as a weirdo or something, or some past scandal he doesn't want anyone looking into (gay? crimes? asylums? witch? Who knows, all, neither, Will wouldn't do well in the 1800s, he doesn't even do well in 2010)) so it basically comes down to confronting him directly and scaring him off. He takes hannibal with him.

It does not go well.

Betcha Mr Hobbs tries to kill Will

Betcha Will fights him off

Betcha Hobbs runs STRAIGHT for his daughter onstage

GUARANTEE he slits her throat, because she is doomed to have this happen in every universe

Will does not shoot (why would he have a gun at his violin job) but probably beats him half to death, while Hannibal holds Abigail's throat closed

They both end up covered in blood ON STAGE (this is a rehearsal, which is why Will isn’t in the pit right now) and everyone sees it.

Somehow everyone STILL ends up deciding that the phantom in the opera house had possessed Hobbs, somehow, because no right-minded man would ever try to kill his daughter.

Probably you cant survive a throat slitting in 1800s, but she does anyways, because Hannibal.

Hobbs is arrested, but largely for the sake of asylums and exorcisms or something, he’s alive and will probably see his daughter fairly often when she visits him, but she cant sing anymore so she might be demoted to set work (not HIS job but like... heavy hard work girls wouldnt usually do, because the other innocent set guy doesnt want her ending up on the street. she takes to the job well and will always have a croaky voice)

Probably Will goes home with Hannibal Abigail is stable, presumably because they are ‘both’ stressed and in need of comfort. They bath, seperately, but they end up in front of the fire less put-together than usual, comfortable clothes, and Will cant help peaking at Hannibal, trying to be subtle. Maybe Hannibal is like ‘maybe its not the best time to show you, but i bought you a gift’

Its a new and VERY fine violin, to replace his aging one, and WIll plays music for Hannibal, glad to find his shaking fingers steady on the strings, like they always do.

Id like it if somehow they could dance, but i guess its not really workable. They definitely kiss, but Will pulls away from it and they go to bed separately.

Soon enough things wind down enough for Will to learn about murders happening OUTSIDE the theater, in other parts of town, and he will actually end up finally talking to Hannibal about his feelings. Hannibal is unrepentant, which Will takes to be because Hannibal is foreign. They kiss, and after several more dinners and things at the theatre calming down, these two FINALLY have sex, that whole deal, being 100% for-sure illegally in love.

and just as suddenly, Will figure out that Hannibal is the RIpper

Will probably goes to visit Hobbs, to ask why Hobbs thought killing was worthwhile, but its so COMPLETELY not why Hannibal kills that it actually puts Hannibal into perspective for him

Will probably tries to tell the police that Hannibal is a killer. They dont believe him. Will outright tells Hannibal that he had tried to turn him in but it didnt work. Things are tense, but Will eats the meat and then they PROBABLY end up having rough+tender ‘i know you are a murderer’ vs ‘im a murderer who loves you, and to the police that love is the worse crime’ sex, because im trash

Let's then have a VERY public arrest of Will for (pick your fav, past or vague gay actions, general witchiness, insanity, being born in to a cult under a different name, i dont care, pick your poison) , which they caught after someone at the station recognizing him from SOMEWHERE but it took a few days for them to be sure from where. He’s arrested and of course put into the same asylum as Hobbs. They probably never even cross paths, but it doesnt matter, Will knows that they are in the same place for wildly different reasons, but in the end its all the same to the powers-that-be

Have Hannibal somehow save Will, possibly by already working at, coming to visiting, applying to work at that asylum himself, or maybe taking him out on ‘a walk’ and actually bringing him to a waiting carriage and running away.

Either way EVENTUALLY Hannibal manages to spring him, they run away together, both their own type of criminal, and it more or less ends on Will, very unhappily, deciding that if his life is a crime ANYWAYS, if his love for someone can have him sent to the same punishment, he might as well eat people, because fuck it.

Uhh, but more angsty and poetic, he IS an artist after all.

#hannigram #phantom of the opera au #will graham #hannibal lecter #my writing #prompts #i didnt mention it really but im picturing this being in baltimore #even though i have NO idea if baltimore was a proper city around 1900 #i mean it PROBABLY was right?#did they have an opera house?#ive got no idea

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bornanxious2018 · 5 years

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I miss the old me sometimes ?, or do i?

Another really stressful morning at our place with Oscar he’s transitioning between two different medications, so there’s bound to be teething but at one point this morning , whilst being scissor kicked by a screaming kid, who won’t dress and him being so anxious I can’t get near him at all, which is gutting as we had broken that behaviour in the summer.

Oscar has done two nights of sleeping through without his sleep medication, and I’m so proud of him , he can’t have the sleep one with this new day one, but it means starting the day with nothing in his system and there being a crossover ,until the morning one works, so we’re winging it for an hour, but it’s our busiest hour so everything’s how it was premedication!!!!! , screaming , dropping to the floor, head butting, hitting out running into things, and just being over loaded and unable to cope , the day is starting and he isn’t ready , it makes me want to wrap him up and protect him as I can see in his little face he’s frightened , but the behaviour is unbelievable it’s maximum noise, and movement he’s warning me off ,despite symbols and visual clues , I showed him his getting dressed sticker this morning he screwed it up and shoved it in his mouth!

Usually he loves a sticker and allows me to dress him , so yes it was that bad😶 and I’m not stalking his consultant but, I did have to call him (again)and we are now giving the new medication at wake up time,before people happen! Hopefully this starts our days better.

So as I’m being kicked I just thought for a second where have I gone? This Autism parenting has taken over! I miss the old me and regret getting so stressed about other stuff before , I was a bit precious before everything just so ,two perfect kids , mainstream schools, normal targets ,yet I would get stressed about normal targets!

Looking back I didn’t know I was born, and if I could go back I would have had more lie ins! Not had one of those in 5 years!!!, more impromptu nights out with the girls 🌟,not had one of those for almost two years! More pj days withthe kids and duvets, and watching movies , more relaxing holidays and been overall more relaxed ,and enjoyed it all more, and now those things are a distant memory and it’s honestly like I’ve lived two lives , one shallow one we’re I didn’t know how lucky I was 😶and this one were I’m blessed to realise all of this ,which is a hindsight most get at the end of their life, and it leaves me grateful🙏 ,oscars a test and a lesson to us all ,and a good one , exhausting!!!! but worth it ,he has opened our eyes and our hearts to a world that is the most kind and caring and diverse in every way and we are supporting others.

Being supported by others❤️❤️❤️, you feel so much unity and love by the acceptance of other special needs families.

when I think of that carefree person I was before and think of how I viewed things which was acknowledgment of disabilities but no experience ,if I could go back I would enjoy it more the freedom of parenting before and life ,But honestly I’m proud of my journey so far thankful for who I’m becoming.

I’m proud of my children, and glad special needs has touched their lives ,I think we are all richer for it ,and in truth I would miss he regimented routine, the progress we are making , the celebrating everything , the organising of emotion , the planning of oscars care.🌟😊🇬🇧

I would miss the intuition I have now, I didn’t have before , the fire to advocate I didn’t have before, as these are the rewards of the sacrifices and hard work we have put in ,so far , so did I reminis today at a high stress point? Yes? Did I in my head really want to trade? No, no I didn’t, I wouldnt want to go back to being just a regular family , I love being a special one , I’m proud of it 💙🌈🌟🇬🇧🎉

That said, a night out, with giggling all glammed up ,that’s worry free ,would be amazing but just one, followed by a massive lay in and a fry up you never know it could happen soon 🌟😀

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adambstingus · 6 years

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The surprising thing her friends worried about when she came out as trans.

In June 2015, I picked up the phone and dialed my old friend Ricks number, guided by the muscle memory of having done it so many times before.

This time, the topic wouldnt be our excitement over the new Dungeon Masters guide or some neat piece of esoterica we had learned in Mr. Zebrackis history class. This discussion would be much more abstract.

I have something to tell you, Rick, I began. I realized recently that Im transgender, and Im planning on transitioning genders at some point in the next year or so, so that I can live my life a little more honestly.

After a moment of silence, Rick said exactly what I was hoping to hear: Youre one of my oldest friends. If thats what you think you need to do, of course I support it, and Ill help you however you need me to. But he also had some questions: Would I still play video games? Would I still like Star Wars?

Rick and I bonded in high school over our mutual love of nerd culture, which we had embraced long before anyone else thought it was cool.

It started with daily after-school pilgrimages to the comic shop to buy Star Wars cards, our beloved pastime that occupied us for hours. The amount of time and money we spent on them was ungodly. As we grew older, Star Wars cards eventually gave way to encyclopedic knowledge on movies, music, anime. Rick even found a way to make sports nerdy with his encyclopedic knowledge of the history and statistics of any given game. It was more than an obsession. It was in our DNA.

Yet Rick, and many others I shared the news of my transition with, still wondered whether changing my gender presentation would affect my bone-deep love of nerd culture.

Friends asked, “Can we still talk about ‘Doctor Who’?” and “Does this mean you wont play Starcraft with me anymore?” My dad even asked me if Id still want to make beer with him the way we do every Thanksgiving. The nature of these questions made me realize how invested people were in the assumed gender alignment of the activities we all enjoyed together.

“Of course Im still going to do all of those things!” I replied each time. From my perspective, I was making a change that would lighten my mood and allow me to enjoy life better. Yes, I would look different, and I would be happier, but I wasnt concerned any of my passions or interests would disappear. To those who expressed these concerns, I may as well have been walking away from everything that made up my personality.

I realized at a basic level, they thought nerd culture was boy stuff.

Before my transition, I hadnt thought much about how that attitude might have affected the girls experience. Now that I was moving from being one of the boys to “just like one of the boys,” I realized how different those experiences really are.

For people socialized as men, being part of a predominantly male clique is an important part of building a self-concept. It supplies men with a healthy sense of validation and inclusion. Its that same pack mentality that gave rise to concepts like “guy code,” “bros before hoes,” and “locker room talk.” Without feeling a connection to it, some men feel they are missing out on a crucial part of life.

The essence of male hierarchy touches all cultures, as Katelyn Burns points out. So it should come as no surprise that it also touched communities I was involved with.

I, too, had been socialized to believe certain things were for men and other things were for women. Any crossover should be looked at as foreign and suspicious. I dont blame men for these aspects of toxic masculinity that seep into the general population. Its a part of the blueprint men are handed in youth. It’s the same blueprint I was given and lived with uncomfortably for 27 years.

Girls, on the other hand, tend to approach being “one of the guys” as something we use to get past gender barriers and just engage with the things we like.

Women tend to see the activities we participate in as less enabled by gender (i.e., “boxing is a sport for men”) and more enabled in spite of gender (i.e., “just because Im a girl doesnt mean I cant be a boxer”).

Women are conscious that participation in male-dominated activities tends to be at the leisure of the men involved, and that membership in the group could be revoked at any time.

For example, if one of the men begins to pursue a woman in the group romantically and she doesnt return his interest, her continued participation may be threatened. This becomes even riskier for women in male-dominated professions like cybersecurity my own field of expertise. In professional settings, the stakes raise dramatically. Rejection of a mans advances can cost us more than our hobby, sometimes it can cost us our jobs.

Often, women deal with this fundamental outsiderness by creating secret spaces where we can pursue feminine interests on our own terms, where being “one of the guys” is no longer the only key for entry.

When I reintegrated into my old hobbies post-transition, I found there were entire subcultures built by women of the group, for women. These small, isolated, and distinctive societies women created were completely invisible to me before I transitioned.

It was like finding a secret room in a house I lived in for decades.

In these women-centered spaces, topics of feminine interest could be discussed openly and out of view of the men in the group. We were shielding ourselves from having to openly remind anyone that we were women. We feared if they noticed, our passageway into acceptance might close.

I watched this happen many times online, in particularly hostile ways. Once men realized an opponent was a woman, players in online games like “Battlefield,” “Counterstrike,” or “Halo,” emboldened by anonymity, would launch into misogynistic attacks after every victory or loss, or sometimes for no reason at all. Any given round I could expect to hear sage platitudes, such as, go back to the kitchen, or why dont you make me a sandwich? not to mention a barrage of slurs.

The nerd culture narrative is that were a group of outcasts who built a community to cope with the awkwardness and rejection of being a pariah in a social structure that didnt value the same things we did. But we brought the seeds of our own inherent caste systems with us.

It perpetuated an unspoken marginalization of girls that bordered on outright contempt. It forced girls to find ways to evolve and to express themselves despite the constraints that exist when men make the rules.

Nerd culture is always going to be a part of me and my history. I wouldnt be who I am without it, and Im glad that I still have a place in my communities no matter what Im wearing, what my name is, or how I look. In many places at my local gaming store, at my friends houses, and in these women-centric spaces I never saw before Ive found the accepting and understanding community that nerd culture is supposed to be.

Ive also realized how far we are from being that all the time, for everyone.

The road to acceptance runs directly through a minefield of toxic masculinity, and womens participation is often tentative and requires we leave our woman-ness at the door.

Our identities are complex. The interests of women are broad and deep, as is our capability to adapt to situations in casual and professional settings. Being the versatile creatures we are, women will always find a way into communities that interest us.

We have a chance to set aside any preconceived expectations we have of gender and fight the goblins together. Were going to need all the help we can get.

This story first appeared on The Establishment and is reprinted here with permission.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/the-surprising-thing-her-friends-worried-about-when-she-came-out-as-trans/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/179733011987

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allofbeercom · 6 years